IMG_0593 © by Hans J E

I love turkey day just like the next person but I don’t look forward to it like my one coworker. He actually decorates his cubicle for Thanksgiving. This whole month at least two days of every week he wears some kind of turkey tie. I never knew there that many turkey ties out there. Then there is the casual Friday where he wears his tacky turkey sweaters.

While most Holiday people are prepping for the Christmas season this guy has a screensaver of Macy Day Parade. I don’t know how he does it but his desk smells like turkey every.single.day. Seriously, how does one do this? I swear he always gobbles in meetings. Then there is his email signature – its a moving picture of a turkey.

I guess it could be worse and it IS quite entertaining in the end.

I’m just glad he isn’t this excited about Christmas because honestly I couldn’t deal with the constant stream of holiday music. So, I guess the moral of the story is – it could always be worse.

I just wonder if I am the only one who works with someone who is enthralled with Thanksgiving?

1. There is a spell check for a reason people – USE IT! I’m really not sure how some of these people even got their jobs when they don’t understand proper grammar skills.
2. Oh, so you think your reply should go to all 200+ receipts? I had no idea that your response was that inspiring that it should be shared with the whole company.
3. I planed on responding to your email request you don’t need to ask for updates after 5 minutes of sending the original one. You really need to step away from the computer.
4. I understand you’re busy but do you really need to reply to emails why in the stall in the bathroom? That is just plain disgusting. Some things can wait.
5. It is just an email message and unless it says you are fired you really need to stop deep sighing so your coworkers twenty feet away are asking if everything is okay.
6. I don’t see a microphone attached to your computer and it doesn’t look like you have Siri app on your flip phone so please stop talking to the monitor so everyone knows all the details of what you are working on.
7. This is not text messaging so please stop shortening every word you can.
8. Stop using slang because not everyone on your distribution list knows what you’re talking about
9. The recall application doesn’t work 30 minutes after you sent the email and it doesn’t bode well with you when you do it every.single.time.
10. Two to three words don’t count as an email – pick up the phone instead and the information you need
11. This is a bonus one: GOOGLE IT! We all get those emails with the most simple request and the answer could have been found if they took 5 seconds to think about it.

1. The fake phone call – this is always top of the list however it does take prep work. In order for this to work you have to rig your cell phone for speed dial to automatically dial your work line. This way you area able to break away with an important phone call.

2. The Bathroom break – this also take some prop work in order to properly execute it. When you see the coworker coming by having some type of food in hand and start to get up while grabbing your stomach. Then go onto how you have to run to the bathroom. Feel free to substitute food with mylanta.

3. The Urgent Email – first things first have a draft email to yourself on standby and your speakers volume up. As soon as the coworker starts up the conversation click “Send” and bing – you’ve got mail. Then scan it for a few seconds take a deep sigh stand-up and say, “I don’t believe it! I have to go see (insert managers name here) and take care of this!” Then storm off.

I bet there are more and would defiantly like to hear your thoughts on how you deal with that annoying coworker. Let me know in the comments below.

I get it you really like Halloween but do you have to bring in all that damn candy and unplug everyone’s damn mouse? It’s annoying and your “tricks” are that of child. Grow up and get your act together because really it’s just embarrassing. Trying to scare people as they come around the corner gets tiring especially with that damn laughter you get and the, “I got you”. Jesus! You know that laughter in the break room? Well, it IS about you.

Slutty Costumes

Halloween Party 043 © by Robert Bejil Photography

To the girl who doesn’t mind dressing like a hooker because it’s “Halloween” we know you are just looking for attention because your boyfriend/fiance or whatever the hell he is this week isn’t paying you any attention. While the guys don’t mind looking it is quite depressing when you constantly throw yourself at them only to have them reject because you start asking them if you look pretty. When they hesitate for a second you immediately  start crying.

Thank God Halloween is one day because I can’t stand these people.

1. Work…good God seriously I had to step away from my desk just to breathe and you’re bringing up work?!

2. Emails. We really don’t need to relieve every.single.email that was forwarded around the office, do we?

3. The score. Yes, I did catch “the game last night” but I’m not interested in talking about it with you.

4. Lunch. Really? It’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m working on my coffee so the last thing I’m thinking about is lunch.

5. Friday. It’s Tuesday so talking about the weekend isn’t going to brink it any faster and YES I am ready for the weekend…everyone is!

6. Meetings. There is absolutely no need to recap the hour and half meeting we just had. I’m trying to forget it already.

7. Facebook/Twitter. Yes, I’m on them and there is no way in hell I will “friend” or “follow” you so stop asking.

8. Boss. You REALLY think I’m going to complain about the boss in this open setting where word can get back to him?

9. Coworkers. No, I will NOT talk about other coworkers behind their back with you – I would hate to think what you say about me to them.

10. Kids. Yes, the majority of us in the office have one and while we like to hear and share stories of them it doesn’t need to happen every time we see each other.

…did I miss one?

I don’t mind having a couple glasses of wine and enjoying myself. If I’m hung over though I don’t come into the office or I try give myself a quick remedy. This coworker? Nope, they don’t care.

How was your New Years Eve party? Are you at work tossing your holiday cookies? I can’t be the only one dealing with this…right?

#1 Sports Fan

I’m a sports fan – I really am. I have some favorite players and teams. I spend some of my weekend watching some of the college and pro games. I’ll even read the sports section and look over my fantasy football team. I’ll make jokes about the latest lame attempt of a struggling team with my coworkers.

What I won’t do is spend all day Monday and Tuesday talking and analyzing every.single.game. I get it – you’re a sports nut. More power to you brother but seriously when we need your input on a project spending 20 minutes talking about the AFC’s defense isn’t worth it. You have know something is up because in the fall / winter you are never picked up on end of the year projects.

This COULD be the reason you were passed over, several times, for a promotion. Who am I though? I love sports but you take the cake in this one buddy. Congrats!

Office Romance

Why? Why? WHYYYYY? Why do people fail to read what I write? Seriously?! It’s happening again even AFTER I wrote Office Romance is a No-No! I’m going to stop writing because what I do write people just don’t want to pay attention.

I understand it’s your life. I understand that you’re “single and ready to mingle” but seriously it really does hinder your co-workers performance.

So, here’s the story and like Law and Order the names have been changed to protect the innocent but the story is true.

Tom who works in my department recently broke up with his long term girlfriend of seven years. Almost married he basically got cold feet and didn’t want to be tied down. Now, this young individual whose been in my department for the past four years and have grown a friendship with. Yet, was a little taken back when he came up to me last week:

Me: “Hey Tom – you and Sandi have any plans this week?”

Tom: No, we broke up – a week ago. She was talking about getting married and having children…I don’t want kids right now and she knew that.

Me: “Wow…I’m sorry to hear that”

Tom: It’s fine – I’m over it I’m single and ready to mingle

*eye roll*

Me: Ok

Tom: Hey, you know Missy over in Accounting? I think I’mma ask her out. I’ve been checking her out for the past year and I heard she’s been asking about me.

Me: NO! Don’t do this – it never turns out right. The last thing you want is cause some drama at work.

Tom: Yeah…you’re right. I gotta get – Matt needs these reports before 5.

End of conversation, right? I thought so but later that day I hear through the inner-office grapevine that Tom DID in fact ask Missy out and this past Friday they went out. Apparently it was an all weekend date because all I’m hearing is that she stayed at his place the whole time and there are whispers of “tramp” and “player” going around. Nothing but dirty looks are when the two are around.

Please don’t be Tom and Missy and have this happen.

I’ll keep you posted as this develops.

The narcissistic coworker

Something about working with a narcissistic coworker that makes the day so pleasant. Is the sarcasm jumping off the page? Okay if you haven’t figured yet I am totally joking and cannot stand these type of people. If you don’t know the type they are the ones that can’t help themselves in giving themselves a pat on the back. The essence of self-loathing.

There is usually one in particular in every office. You know the one. Guaranteed you’re thinking of their name right.this.minute. It’s not that you’re trying to ‘mean’ but being realistic. This is the coworker that every time they get put in a group with you – you sigh. You sigh heavy.

Below is a list of traits that I’ve combiled to know when you are working with a narcisstic coworker, or worse – you are one.

It’s All About ME-ME-ME

You’re dog just died and all the coworkers all giving you their condolences…except one. This particular one decides to go into a 20 minutes about how THEY lost their pet and how THEY got over it. Go figure.

Look At ME!

Oh, you just knew it was coming didn’t you. This individual does anything they can to not just be the star of attention – just attention from anyone. If there was a lull in the office this coworker would insist on telling some outragous tale that is more than likely made up on the spot. It’s that feeling you get when you know a child doesn’t get enough attention at home. It’s quite sad.

I DID IT!

Oh, this is the best part. As I mentioned in the begining if you are working with a narcissistic on a project. No matter how big or small the project may be this person feels the need to make sure EVERYONE knows exactly what they did on it. They might’ve just come up with two graphs on a presentation but will ask everyone in the office about it.

Whose #1?

No need to ask the question because everyone knows…right?

Okay, now while this has been written towards “co-worker” believe me I’ve worked under some narcissistic managers in my time and they all have the same traits mentioned above.

Have I missed one? Feel free to share below.

Performance Review

Ah, the infamous performance review – you love it. You sit down and await for hopefully constructive criticism from your supervisor. It can go one of two ways: Good or Bad. It’s all about the attitude – yours and your supervisors. The last thing you want to happen is walk into a performance review when your boss is having a bad day.

In order to survive a performance review in today’s economy I’ve come up with some tips to get you thru it without the headache.

Kiss UP F.A.S.T.

Not a huge advocate for this particular tip but in reality you do have to be on top of this. I remember working at a job that I absolutely detested. I was young and could really care less of the job – don’t get me wrong I worked and did my job but going above and beyond the “call of duty” – no thanks. Yet, on the week of the review I would do everything I could to butter up my supervisor.

1. More Coffee: What can I do to better serve you with drinks and snack from the common area. Oh, out of your favorite pop? I’ll run out and get it.
2. No more shop talk: Find something that THEY like whether it be sports or entertainment and talk about it NON-STOP!
3. Hungry? Lunch on me. That’s right offer up to pick up the check when you go to lunch with them.
4. Copies? Collated? Office supplies running low: I’m on it. Your supervisor might have an assistant or can do these things themselves but why?

Spreadsheet of Performance

Why have your boss do all the work on trying to evaluate you? Just put together an itemized list of projects and your contribution to it. This takes some time, especially if you’ve slacked off the past 6 months. This is why I go with the first option so far. Nonetheless sometimes you just have to do the work to get by.

Letter of Appreciation

You did well on the last performance review so why not bring it in just in case your boss gets on you about your recent lack of enthusiasm for the job. Maybe you worked with other co-workers or clients and they felt you did an excellent job helping them so why not print out that email.

It shows that you are in fact doing something besides playing solitare.

What have you done to survive a performance review?