Meet The Brownie ...

10 Years Later

2017-08-06T23:18:00.000+02:00

I just checked my first post on this blog, I was 23 :) coincidence

Oh I was so young and unhappy

10 years later, here I am

10 years I have been through a lot

A lot of my dreams came true el hamdoliah

Dreams I've never thought they will come true.

I changed a lot while I became me.

I wish I did not worry that much when I was 23.

I wish I enjoyed it more.

I am 33 now and I don't miss being 23, my 33 is actually much better el hamdoliah

So for the 33 me, please stop worrying, enjoy your life like it is, stop being sad over stuff you don't have now, being alone is not always that bad, and no need to worry about you friend and his family of 4 are coming day after tomorrow to share your one bedroom apartment, stop worrying about the wrinkle or the stray white hair, you are the youngest that would be today so enjoy it.

Miss my Blog

2017-08-05T22:54:00.000+02:00

I miss my blog, I miss writing, I miss it here.
My blog helped me in the hardest part of my life, so I owe it a lot.
Although I use social media now to vent, it is not like my blog, am more honest here so I am coming back here.
I love talking here much more than anything so lets get re-started
Although it is sad because it is quitter, a lot of bloggers, like me, had stopped writing.

The Character in Chapter 4

2017-08-02T18:03:00.001+02:00

You will be always the character in chapter 4

I will always love you without even knowing you.

I will never hate you.

Although I hate you.

I will always love the way we talk, the way we laugh, the way that am excited to tell you something funny and I know you will get it.

I will always miss you

P.S Written one year later~

He Just Came Back

2016-11-01T02:16:00.000+02:00

To tell me he is getting married
That he still loves me
That he tried but I did not give us a chance
That he wants me to be his kids' mom
That he was childish when we first met
That he wants me more than anything
And I said no
And I cried, I cried and cried and he asked if it because I loved him and I said no
I cried for my older self that lost a dream today.
I wanted you back then so much, I wanted you to tell me all what you said that day, I was ready to fight for you and with you but now am not me 10 years ago. Your loss!

Wish List

2016-01-31T22:27:00.000+02:00

I want to lose my mind for awhile.
To act spontaneously.
To go ahead spend all my savings on traveling and shopping for stuff I can live without.
To stop being angry at you and treat you like nothing has ever happened. To treat you the same as I used to do.
To talk on the phone till I 4 AM.
To stop working hard. To stop having goals.
To stop wishing. to stop dreaming and to stop missing you.
To be happy, happy for myself and not for anyone else.
I want to laugh till I pee.
I want to feel loved again.
I want to be able to trust you again.

As Simple As Love Could Be

2016-01-31T22:19:00.002+02:00

Love is the most awesome feeling you could ever feel.
It is amazing and it is so simple
It as simple as "لقد رزقت حبها"

You don't need to say you love someone when you don't
You don't need to change someone to fall in love with.
And definitely you don't need to cheat on someone.

Love is beautiful so don't ruin it

Broken

2015-10-20T22:41:00.000+02:00

Am broken.
I don't want to forgive or forget.
I just want to be left alone.

To Wear Or Not To Wear..That Is The Question

2015-10-19T23:17:00.003+02:00

I know this is not a new topic but I want still to talk about it.
Recently a lot of girls I know have taken off their Hijab and as much it boomed at the beginning, now it is disappearing as quickly as it started.
People taking it off for many reasons and the main reason, we look better without it.
The idea scares me, I am afraid that I would wake up and decide that I don't want to wear it anymore.
It scares me like when I start missing prayers that I might stop praying, God forbids, it is not that praying is equal to wearing Hijab but both are very important to me.
Also I don't like the idea that people praising me for still wearing my Hijab, am not wearing it probably and I have a lot to improve so don't make believe that I do what am supposed to do which I am not.

Another thing, there a lot of so-called Hijab Fashionista all over the social media that they don't have anything to do with Hijab, I know I don't have the right to judge any of them but after I followed a lot of them to get idea to dress nicely, I found that they have to do nothing with Hijab.

The Turban Hijab is not Hijab.
The super-tight Hijab is not Hijab.
The loads of make-up is not Hijab.
The head to toe brand names Hijab is not Hijab.
The ankle length pants with anklet is not Hijab.

The Hijab lost its essence while some people try to make it easy. Again am not wearing Hijab as it should be but am not telling 20K followers that this how you should dress your Hijab.

I actually feel more feminine when I dress in a loose skirt or long dress.

I am actually lucky el hamdolliah that I live in European country, believe it or not, Hijab is never a problem here.
I meet clients 3adi with my Hijab and am very presentable not like what they usually say back home.
I went to swimming class with my full covered swimming suit and they had no problem whatsoever with it.
I was never not allowed to go in a place because am covered.

For every girl who about to take it off, pray for God first, renew your beliefs, أن القلوب لتصدأ try to dig for the reasons you first wear it for and go shopping for new clothes.

If you still want to take it off, don't start saying it is not obligation...بلاش فتى وحياه أبوكى

At the end, I can only say اللهم ارنا الحق حقا وارزقنا اتباعه وأرنا الباطل باطل وارزقنا اجتنابه

Grateful

2015-08-23T23:22:00.000+02:00

Today I felt great الحمد لله so I wanted to share. that is it

Well Deserved

2015-08-22T16:51:00.000+02:00

For every time I complained about how lonely I am when I actually I was not.
For every time I complained about my friends want to hang out with me all the time.
For trusting you when I should not.
For every single time I wanted to be left a lone & could not.

I would not complain now I just wish for it to end soon...That is it & that is all

My 30s

2015-05-23T21:34:00.001+02:00

So today is my birthday, as usual I have to write a post so here is what I learn during my years of living;

Family and good friends are what keep us alive so be grateful if you have good ones even if you want to kill them sometimes, you are not easy yourself, are you?
Traveling is so nice, do it even inside your country. Bring something that remind you with you trips. I bring magnets, they make me smile everytime I look at my fridge.
Live alone, you would learn a lot, you will discover stuff about yourself you never knew.
In love, listen to your inner annoying voice and if it is too good to be true, it is probably is.
Enjoy being alone, get yourself gifts, make yourself happy when no body there to make you happy.

On a positive note, I have 29 years left to retirement...YAAY
I want to adopt a kid soon inshaallah

Update - 25.05.2015

So at the beginning of the month, I was in a complete mess because the one I thought is the one.

It made everything looks bad and I wanted to just quit everything and just go home.

I usually buy myself a lot of gifts and plan to travel on my birthday, I always make big fuss of it.

I believe that if you are happy on your birthday, the year coming should be good.

Because of him, yes him, I did not feel like doing anything, I did not feel like buying anything or even did not want to travel.

Then because Allah is the most generous and I asked Him to guide me, I prayed Istakhara, I did not prayed it earlier because I knew the answer. I enjoyed it so I want to be here for a while.

Then all come at once, it became clear to me that I cannot do that to myself el hamdolliah.

My friend suggested to go to Prague and we planned everything in a week, and till the day I traveled, I still had the feeling of not wanting to travel. I traveled and had so much fun.

I got myself Kindle although I did not want it that much.

On my Birthday, Living a way from my family and my few friends were traveling and for a person who care much about birthday, that is not nice.

I cried on my birthday eve over Grey's anatomy episode and because I missed him.

I thought he might remember my birthday but he did not, now am so glad that he did not.

I spent all my birthday reading on my kindle, and I love it, answering my phone or replying to people's messages.

My friend gave a me a surprise party in Prague.

Another friend sent me flowers and chocolate and made up my day.

Another friend got me a gift back home and sent me its picture.

A friend called me on my birthday while she is traveling to make sure am not depressed for spending my birthday a lone, which I was not at all el hamdolliah.

My brother called me the moment he wake up and if you knew my brother, you would not know how difficult that to him.

My sister sent me a morning voice message with her and my nieces singing happy birthday, I wake up on this message. she called me like 4 times that day :)

I was wondering why people made all these efforts to make me feel special.

I nag a lot, I have the worst mood swings, I can love/hate you in one minute. I could be horrible person sometimes.

The thing is that people who truly love you, will see deep inside your heart, they will really take you for good and bad.

I missed the happy me, he brought a lot of drama into my life and accused me of causing it.

Stand up for yourself whenever you get the strength to.

El hamdolliah for everything I have, for everything I have gone through and for the yet to come.

Home

2015-02-19T21:59:00.001+02:00

I want to go home.

To pack all my stuff and just leave.

2014...The ups & downs

2014-12-26T21:37:00.000+02:00

In 2014, I had grown like never before, I experienced a lot of new stuff, I have been to places I have never been to before, I fall in and out of love, I spent the most awesome month, I cried my heart out, I became fully independent. It was amazing year el hamdolliah. A lot of firsts, here are some;

The first time to live in Europe.
Took my first sewing class.
Took my first rainbow picture.

Had my first 3zooma ever in Ramadan.

The first time to be into Cathedral (Christ Cathedral Church)

I was asked out for a coffee by a complete Irish stranger.

The first time I snorkel in Sharm El Shaikh.

I decided to take my first swimming class ever. (Bucket List)
First time to Paris. (Bucket List)

To rent my own house and live on my own. (Bucket List)

I saw the ocean for the first time. (Bucket List)

Took my first Yoga class. (Bucket list)
Visited New York and absolutely loved it.

Saw the snow.

To be Continued in 2015 inshaallah =)

Growing Old

2014-11-26T02:04:00.002+02:00

How many times you wish for the hours to pass so you could finish your job and go home?
Are you still waiting for the weekend every Monday?
Did you count the days till your trip? till you meet your beloved ones? or till you get what you want whatever it is?

So you keep wishing for time to pass and when it pass and you grow older, you feel sad.

Till you die, you will always have unfulfilled dreams and duties and time will pass anyway.

Emotionally Independent

2014-11-20T01:07:00.002+02:00

A broken heart

Last time I had nervous breakdown, I literally cried my heart out, took sick leave without being actually sick, something that I cannot remember doing it in my whole career, but I was so emotionally sick so I guess I earn it.

But next day, I was amazed by how was capable of handling myself and putting me back to the right path.

I was the old happy me and I did not wait for the broken promises anymore. I feel free all over again.

Stand up for yourself, break down when you feel like it and talk less, much less, about your misery to people.

While Wondering

2014-08-01T18:58:00.001+03:00

I took off my roots and decided to leave for a new adventure.
I wanted to miss people I used to love and forgot all the anger I had for them.
I did not want to be attached to anyone, to any place.
I wanted to be left alone, I wanted not to be able to reach out for a help when I need one.
I wanted to stand on my own.
And it worked.

And then I started feeling loneliness and longing all over again and then I found you.
You filled in my life and at moments, you were exactly all I need.

Then again, all "what I get myself into", "this is not going to work", "I want way out" thoughts came back rushing.

And again I missed the me not attached to anyone, the lonely me, the one and only can make myself happy and sad.
Because no matter how less I expect from you, you never cease to disappoint me.

Is it time to take my roots out and start wondering again?

European Hijab

2014-06-09T22:18:00.002+03:00

I always tell my cousin, who live In Europe, that If I was born and raised in Europe, I might not have realized the importance of Hijab and I would have never wear it.

But when I moved to Europe, I realized that Hijab here does its job more than in home, Egypt I mean, because here men stare and might comment if you wear sexy clothes, never touching or bad words, just nice compliments.

Don't tell me that you don't like to get nice compliments if you wear nice sexy clothes.

In Egypt ba2a, Hijab or without Hijab, you will get harassed, if you smile, if you drive, if you cycle, if you walk, meaning if you were born a girl, يالا حظك السيئ

Egypt May God have His mercy on you =(

30

2014-05-23T21:30:00.000+03:00

So I am 30, single and independent and that is awesome :)

I just hit my 30s, so don't ever dare telling me what to do.

About Love

2014-05-20T23:29:00.003+03:00

Today I saw a couple hugging and show affection, I know it is not new, I live in Europe and this is normal.
But those specially touched me. they were so sweet.
He walked by her side, holding her hand in one hand and his bike in the other hand.
From time to time, she would stop him to give him a kiss or a hug.
It made me wonder, how does it feel to be deeply in love, to be able to hug him/her anywhere, to be safely in love.
If you had this kind of love for once in your lifetime, then be grateful, you probably deserve it.

Life is difficult

2014-05-04T01:11:00.000+02:00

Yeah true it is.
Lets forget about the photos with the smiley faces.
All the nice places we check in.
All the Am fine words.

Because I am not fine and life is not fine.

I hate being alone and I love it in the same time.
I want to have a dog but I cannot.
I cannot stop think of you.

I want just to sleep tight and happy.
I want to be happy but till then am just fine outside, heartbroken inside.

As Promised...A Cheerful Post

2014-02-17T00:16:00.000+02:00

It is a bit late but it is never actually late for good news.

2013 had been awesome for me el hamdoliah in many ways and brought a lot of good stuff into 2014;

Career wise was and still magnificent el hamdolliah.
I got promoted el hamdoliah el hamdoliah.
I discovered who are my real friends are.
I moved to Europe where people are very polite and smiley :)
I live alone, I hate it but I discover how much my family and friends love me, I can hardly find time to stay alone by myself even when I am miles away.
And again I dumped some people so hard and actually enjoy it.
I walk happily and safely in the street el hamdoliah.
Home sickness of course, I wish I can get mom, my sister and her family and Popsi over here, it would have been much better.
I have a home of my own, kind of yeah .
Planning to get a bike inshallah very soon.
I discovered that I love Egypt but I hate Cairo, it it the worst ever.
I have been to different places for the first time.

1st time to see a seagull and actually photography it

It is

I never loved the Nile as much as I loved it in Luxor

Wadi El Rayan

The closest ever to the ocean

Green

My first ever picture of the Rainbow...Subhan Allah

You could never know when your life might begin, just always be ready.

Moving To The Unknown...One more time

2014-01-27T22:23:00.000+02:00

I know I have promised a cheerful post, with all going into my life, perfectly it is el hamdoliah, I should write a one.

But you know when you get something you have never dreamed about, and it is very good but still scares the hell out of you, that is what am going through right now.

After only five days, am going to leave my home, family and friends and leave Egypt, I know, I know FINALLY. although am grateful for such opportunity, am still scared as hell.

And since am not a good talker recently, I prefer to write it here, so till I move and settle down and will be able to write about the good experience...am here

Old & Single

2013-09-26T21:00:00.000+02:00

I know that many have talked about this topic but here I want to talk about my personal experience.
I am 29 years old and single and of course am still staying at mom's house, so here are some highlights of my life of being old and single.

I never imagined how a husband or a partner to be specific is very essential until I lost my friends to marriage. It is like "We are friends, till marriage fall us apart".

I have to understand that they are busy to go out or even to call every now and then. I have to understand that our meetings can be canceled and modified according to their agenda. Which I normally don't understand and that slowly ends our friendship.

Your siblings have moved out too and although they always there for you, you still cannot reach them all the time. They have their own lives now and other people to look after.

Your mom is old and settled, your interests are completely different, while you have this youth madness. You want to explore the world while she wants you to set still, so that someone can notice you and propose so she can get off her burden.

Whenever you talk about good news, work-related or travel or whatever, a prayer for finding the right one is always the answer. a reminder that you happiness still is not enough, you still miss the most important part.

Your friends started to give you advices, they would never dare to do it, but since they are now guarded with their rings, no one could understand them wrong. You are the one who should be taking the risk unwillingly.

One week engaged in her earliest 20s, share her experience with you because ya 7aram you don't know what does it mean getting engaged, she knows more than you do, have not you noticed the ring?!

Lets not talk about the family gatherings and all advice and the worse one "shedi 7ilk" ok but what am I supposed to do exactly?! then the blank face come into scene.

I hate when I share people about my dreams of a perfect marriage and they transfer the negative side of their marriage, then why you want me to get married to be miserable like you are saying? it is not always real because we complaint a lot 3ashan el 7asd.

I really don't care about what other people think, but I want to get married.

I am old and till now am not ready to give up the qualities I want in my husband, I don't expect him to be perfect at all, but I want him to fit me perfectly.

I hate being alone and am missing being part of someone future plans. the sweet "we are going to" phase.

I want someone to be always there for me, not only whenever he is free.

I want to be priority in his life.

That is it, till then am happy old single woman.

Fernwah...رغبة عارمة للسفر

2013-08-02T22:53:00.002+02:00

Home does not feel like home when you hate every part of it.
When the one you live with does not share your passion of life.

I want to leave.

I want to open my eyes every morning to endless green and warmness of a hug.

I want to see the ocean.

I want to travel every year to a new place. To fall in love with new people, places and spices =)

Let me out ba2a ....sigh

My Last 20 Something

2013-05-23T09:46:00.000+02:00

It is my last 20 something birthday unless I live to be 120 something =)

I feel happy and grateful el hamdoliah for all I have been through.

I love when I feel good on my birthday el hamdoliah.

Although I have not achieved what I want but am so grateful for what I achieved so far el hamdoliah. I have done my best so it is not my fault that life was not that easy el hamdoliah.

I have a lot to do in last my last 20 something :)

Taking off my braces..Yaahhhh \0/.
Getting a car inshaallah.
Travel abroad inshaallah.
Be a better person inshallah.

They say 30s are the best, I have one year to try, I would let you know how they are inshaalah