How are your commitments for love going?  Have you created a structure for making your dreams come true this year?

Most people, on New Year’s Day, are pretty psyched about their resolutions, especially when it comes to getting an amazing body, making more money, or finally finding true love.

But just a few weeks later, the excitement dissipates.

Even the smartest, most well-intentioned people find themselves falling back into their usual mindsets.

Maybe you’re experiencing this yourself.

Is doing what it takes to find genuine love starting to seem like too much?

Are you giving in to the all-too-familiar mental trap of telling yourself things like “There’s just no one worth dating where I live”?

Look, I know changing your approach to finding love can be very challenging, but. . . .

If you want to be married by this time next year, you’ve got to maintain a steadfast commitment to your resolution and let go of anything standing in your way.

Especially if the person standing in your way is you!

GETTING OUT OF MY OWN WAY

Trust me, I know what it’s like to get in the way of myself.

I’ve always really struggled when it comes to exercising consistently because I prefer to sit behind my desk working, coaching or generating ideas.

And it’s crazy, because when I do yoga and Pilates, I feel amazing, balanced and energized. When I don’t go to my classes—because I keep telling myself that I don’t have time—I feel the opposite—sluggish, tired and unbalanced.

Well, that’s how it used to be before I experienced a major breakthrough by becoming aware of the gap between what I wanted (to feel fantastic) and what I was actually doing (making excuses) and then creating a structure to heal that gap.

When all these things clicked inside me, I realized that I had to use the same techniques that have helped me achieve some of my greatest successes.

I’m the kind of person who loves to work with the end in mind—I love to imagine results.

Meet to Marry: A Dating Revelation for the Marriage Minded —my book—is a great example of how I operate.

I made a cover, noted the publishing date and marked it a New York Times bestseller even before I wrote the first word.

Then I took all of the actions to transform these intentions into realities.

I made a writing schedule, decided how much time I needed to write each week, figured out how many chapters I’d write per week and blocked out regular chunks of time in my calendar.

I also realized that I couldn’t do it all on my own, so I hired my support team: an agent, an editor, graphics people, and other experts who I could count on to help me actualize my goals.

Were there days when I didn’t feel like writing?

Absolutely, but I was so passionate about achieving my goal that I made sure to set out by removing any internal or external obstacles and establishing a routine—a plan—that guided me through the inevitable bumps on the path.  Even when I didn’t feel like it, I wrote because I was devoted to getting the word out that “extraordinary love is possible” for all people who want it.

I used the same technique to find my husband.  I pictured my future life in my mind and I took the inner and outer steps to make that happen.

And I depended on this strategy when getting out of my way in terms of exercising.

HOW ARE YOU BLOCKING YOUR PATH TO LOVE?

Ask yourself these questions:

• What are the gaps between what I want and what I actually experience in my love life?

• What is it about these gaps that are keeping me from finding the love I need and deserve?

Maybe you’ll realize that one of the big gaps is that you want love but keep telling yourself there’s no one good for you in your city.  In this case, you’re becoming aware of how you’re getting in your way by claiming to want one thing but saying it’s not possible.

Be kind to yourself as you enter this process of observing the patterns that are separating you from your heart’s true desire.

You need to see yourself clearly, and it’s hard to do that if you’re being harshly judgmental about yourself.

When you feel ready for true change, look in the mirror and say, “I want to shift my experience.” 

Then, ask yourself:  What can I do to close this painful gap and get out of my way?

If you’re blocking yourself in the way I just described, you might try letting go of the negative mental chatter and consciously replacing it with the simple affirmation that you can, in fact, find just the right person in your city.

The next step involves figuring out what kind of structures you need to put into place to make your dream of meeting and marrying the most amazingly wonderful person come true this year.

Tap into other areas of your life and think about what has helped you succeed in them.

Ask yourself:  How can I apply these structures to my love life? 

When you’ve come up with some initial ideas, map out your plan and get to acting!

I’M HERE TO HELP!

Don’t let your commitment to finding exactly the right person and creating your own richly rewarding marriage fall to the wayside!

If you have questions related to anything I’ve shared today—whether they’re about getting in your own way, overcoming negative mental chatter, or creating a structure—share them in the comments box, and I’ll offer you some insight.

I know sometimes you want to keep things more confidential, so if that’s the case, email your question to bari@meettomarry.com.

After 10 days of creative, relaxing, and wonderfully unstructured vacation time, I’m ready to make big things happen. I am inspired in knowing that I have the power to make anything happen in my life as long as I’m willing to leave my comfort zone and stretch.

What do you want for yourself this year?

Do you want to be married to someone who understands you and wants to build a life together?

Do you want to wake up feeling content and loved by the person you’ve always dreamed of?

That is totally possible for you!

The best part of having a new beginning is you get to start the year with a blank slate.  Had a few “bad” relationships or dates last year?  Now start the year fresh!! Reboot yourself, your dating patterns and your life. Say good-bye to the past and see yourself as new.

The first step in rebooting yourself is realizing that the “bad” dates weren’t “bad”, they were simply lessons and part of your unique journey.  So shift your view, close doors, and move on to create the life you want for yourself.

Begin this year with a blank slate by getting “complete” with last year.

Get complete by acknowledging the things that worked and the things that didn’t, what you accomplished and where you fell short. Then declare 2012 complete and just let it go knowing that you did the best you could.

Woo hoo!! That is freeing…. and feels so great!

Next, set your love and life goals for 2013 and create a plan to make it happen.

Creating goals, reviewing them daily and being in action consistently will keep you motivated.  After all, goals are nothing but dreams with a deadline, right?  I’m an “idea” person with a big vision, and I can tell you that without structure and discipline my ideas would have never been implemented.

My goals (in part) for next year are to make a bigger difference in the world by writing posts consistently, to complete my next book, to create amazingly creative videos, to hone my public speaking skills, to speak in 10 States, in Israel and Europe.  To make my husband Michael feel even more loved and understood and to be a supportive force for his creativity, to work with ease by doing yoga and pilates 4 times per week, to take frequent breaks, drink more water, and take walks on the beach with Michael and Sammy.  To increase compassion in the world by supporting the JSPCA, Farm Sanctuary and various animal rescue groups and doing fund raisers for organizations making a difference for people and animals.

If ideas remain only in my mind, I feel frustrated and upset that I’m not making any difference and without the structure, they can easily go out of existence.

If you want your life to be different in 2013 then the time to create that new life is NOW.

In summary:

• “Get complete” with 2012
• Create your love & life goals for 2013
• Live in gratitude

Know that what you want is possible. Have unshakable faith and make a commitment to yourself that you can change and grow, you can see things differently and that each new day and new year brings new opportunities for love.

I assure you that that you CAN wake up next New Years Day snuggling with your true love you found in 2013, and right now is the time to make it happen.

Wishing you joy, peace of mind, and extraordinary love.

I’d love to hear from you.  Please share your goals and comments below.

Have honest and considerate communication by ending dates with clarity

Women have logged thousands of hours trying to analyze how men think and men themselves wonder what a woman is thinking at the end of a date. How many times have you replayed a date in your mind wondering if you should have said or done something differently while trying to reason why he/she hasn’t called. For there to even be another date, it’s important that both people are on the same page. So if you’ve just completed a date and you don’t feel a connection, saying “I’ll call you” when you know you won’t (or don’t want to) may be a “quick fix,” but is highly inauthentic and inconsiderate.

Just the other day, a 35 year old guy, seriously dating to find the one he will marry, shared with me a short story.  After telling a woman at the end of coffee date that he’d love to see her again later that week, she replied….”no, we’ll just see each other at so and so’s wedding,” instead of a straight ‘no.’

Don’t be afraid to speak the truth

People are so afraid of speaking the truth for various reasons- from not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings to wanting to keep the door open just in case. But none of these are effective.  It’s more hurtful to string a person along when you can simply close the door. People would always rather know the truth than have false hope.

At the end of your coffee date (or phone conversation), be clear about where you stand and exact about your intentions

If you don’t want to see the person again, you can say “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t feel the attraction that would be necessary to pursue a relationship” or, “I think you are super interesting but our values are too different for the long term. I may have a friend to introduce you to, would that be okay?”

By letting the person know that you are not interested in meeting again you are setting them free and closing that door knowing you’ve been clear and respectful of them and their time.  And, they won’t be wondering over the next few days whether or not you’ll be calling.

If you do want to see the person again, by all means set another date.  Something like ”I would love to go out again next week and continue getting to know you.  How is Sunday evening?”

Never leave it open-ended by saying “I’ll call you” or “I’ll be in touch.”

When I met my husband, he ended our first date by saying “I would love to see you again.  Are you free on Sunday night?”  I felt cherished and wonderful because the feeling was mutual–and we both knew it and you will too!

#1 Choose a date by which you’d like to be married and picture your future life.

Imagine yourself crossing the finish line. Athletes picture themselves performing and they even imagine how it would feel to cross the finish line!  They imagine themselves winning and it guides them to train their bodies for maximum success.  The same applies when dating for marriage.

Achievers keep their eyes on the prize and their world aligns with their vision. Just for fun, write down the date you’d like to be married by and imagine other details of your future married life! Imagine your wedding day as the happiest day of your life, not because of the big party, but because you have found that person who will love you unconditionally, that you will grow with; and also your future together is a blank canvas.  Imagine your dream spouse and how it feels to be with him/her. Then image your wedding.  How many people? Inside or outside? Hear the music and imagine the happiness that day will bring when it’s with your true match. That is sound motivation!

#2 Share your dreams with others

People who achieve their goals have such a clear vision, that they are easily able to share with others. They create the space in their heart and mind to become the picture of success that they see. When you enroll others to help you achieve your dreams, dreams happen. It takes many hands to get a ship to sail.

If you want love, say so!  Life holds no guarantees, but with an honest open heart, you will open your life to the love you deserve. Tell the truth, first to yourself, and then to those who love and support you. By sharing your clear vision, soon enough you’ll find yourself attracting true love.

#3 Be positive and act “as if” you’ve already met him or her.
Winners act and feel as though it’s already happened.  Failure is not an option for them. They know it will take persistence and the proper attitude. Sometimes they don’t know how long it will take, but they have the perseverance to get there because in their hearts, they have done everything they can to make themselves winners already. By acting and being winners, they have the energy to create the life they want.

Same applies when dating for marriage. Be the kind of person you’d like to attract. If you want kindness and affection, be kind and affectionate. Choosing positivity means saying yes to yourself and saying yes to the world. No one enjoys being around a closed hearted, negative person so let it go.  See today as a new day and focus on all the good in your life. You can be someone who chooses positivity every day.

We hope you take these three steps to heart and let your energy flow! Imagine yourself crossing the finish line, enroll others in your dreams, and become the person you truly want to be! Love will happen naturally when you love yourself completely.

Not looking, but if it happens it happens?  How can it happen without intentionality?

Realizing your dreams requires intentionality

What great things in life happen by accident?  Did your great career just fall into your lap? How about your education, your certifications, your skills, your friendships, your toned body? Of course not. All of these things require proactive engagement, knowing your intentions, and seeking them wholeheartedly.

Are you hiding your dreams (out of fear)?

If you are someone who truly wants to find love, this passive “wait and see” attitude can be that which is keeping you from achieving your dream of partnership and unconditional love.  Don’t hide out, worrying about what others will think, or engage in “well what if it doesn’t happen” thinking.

Life is life and it take its course.  But you must be open.  Ask yourself: why don’t you share your dream of finding “the one”? The answer will most likely clue you in to a blind spot. Once you uncover this blind spot, you can open up and allow love in your life.

In all areas of life, people who think like winners (with positive energy and powerful intentionality) score big!

Start living with intentionality today. Envision your “dream life” and act in ways that will cause it to happen for you.

It was a period of concentrated effort on dozens of projects and working with the many people involved in building and living the Meet to Marry vision.  A Geico commercial asks: Have you been living under a rock?  My answer is that I have been single-mindedly focused on the mission of helping you to find love. I’m rubbing my eyes and shaking off the dust, and I can finally feel the sun on my face and much gratitude.

Now that we’re back, we’ll share and chronicle with you the many Meet to Marry stories of love, success, and breakthroughs via video, interviews, tips, and stories.  The most exciting of which is the launch of the coaching programs.  Dreams do come true!

People often ask me what Meet to Marry is about and I describe it as follows:

Meet to Marry is a principled philosophy for finding the person you’ve always dreamed of marrying in a three step approach:
1)   Assessing yourself (becoming the one)
2)   Articulating what you are looking for in a spouse
3)   Acting to find him or her

Why?  Because if you’re human, you deserve to find unconditional love and partnership and to live the life you’ve always dreamed.  We help you to dream and to articulate it.  Here’s to unlimited possibilities!

Dream big.

So if you want Feb. 14, 2013 to be one of giving and receiving love and joyful commitment, you must begin Feb. 14, 2012 a bit differently.

Be honest with yourself and share with others who you truly are and that you are marriage minded.

In a recent USA Today survey of a group of 5,541 singles surveyed, 46% said that they are not actively looking for marriage, but if the right person came along, they would consider it. Really? This response in my opinion is a reflection of how many people are hiding their true vision. This is a reflection of what’s really going on behind the scenes of the “singles” epidemic we hear so much about. Name one thing in life that’s been meaningful that just “came along!” Did a Master’s Degree just happen to fall from the sky? Did a great career call out your name and you jumped on it? Did a great balance sheet, or any relationship you value, for that matter?

Or more likely did you put effort, focus and concentration into studying, searching and nurturing the good stuff that is so worth having?

If you want to get married and find the one, you must tell the truth about it to yourself and then to others. And by stating the truth about your dreams (along with action, of course), you will be a vessel for love and draw that person to you. Begin by imagining now as though it’s already happened. By sharing your marriage mindedness and your vision, whatever that is for you – whether it’s to build a family or move to Rome – your expression and desire to find a life partner who will love you unconditionally on the good days and bad days for a lifetime is key to making it happen. Don’t hide that you that you want to meet the person with whom you’ll share rainy Sundays; your best friend, your partner.

Many hide the truth because it might “scare someone off” or to maintain a facade to look cool. Drop that. Step out of pack-mentality and take a stand for yourself and your life.

People who make space in their minds and their hearts for love are in a position to attract it.

Personally, I don’t give much credence to Valentine’s Day because for me, true love is a daily expression of gratitude for my husband and the life we share. But on this day, where Hallmark and flower purveyor’s reign, take the opportunity to share your true expression with yourself, then with others and get busy finding your one!

Now that we’re back, I want to share with you what we’ve been up to recently. I love the holiday season because it is exciting to begin anew with a blank slate.  My favorite part of winding down is that it’s a time to reflect and to plan, both of which I find invigorating. The season, with its built-in downtime, enables us to acknowledge our accomplishments, to reflect on what worked as well as what didn’t work, and to look ahead to a brand new year primed for new and fresh possibilities.

My husband Michael and I use this time to review our long-term goals, which we call our “life plan,” and to evaluate our progress. We then do an exercise called “Creating and Completing.” We do this while relaxing at the beach on cushy chairs–one of our favorite settings. As we breathe in the negative ions provided by the ocean breeze, we take some time to gain perspective away in a quiet atmosphere. We take a step back and, with clarity, acknowledge what together we accomplished in 2011. Then we look at where we fell short, what we learned, what was missing and what we would “do over” if we could. This is the process of completing.

It’s so important to acknowledge accomplishments and to joyfully celebrate them!  It makes having done what you did to reach the finish line so much sweeter—and celebrating moments is what we will remember.

Get complete for new love in 2012.

Reflecting on completions allows for new freedoms, which are especially essential in the romantic arena. In the Meet to Marry coaching program, there is a date to marry tip that says “Be 100 percent free of past attachments” so that you can have room in your life to welcome someone new.

Incompletions are those things that eat away at your energy and vitality—they bug you and you can’t seem to shake those nagging thoughts. Among these incompletions are communications you never shared, regrets you carry or unresolved anger affecting you the same way a clogged pipe prevents a steady flow. These are the “if only’s,” “should have’s” and the “it’s not fairs.”  Incompletions can be compared to walking around with a pebble in your shoe. Why would you want to start a fresh new year with blockages or needless pain when you can simply make a new choice to get complete?

Incompletions can keep you from being open to new love and you might not even know it.
Just like the pebble in your shoe, being incomplete with people is limiting. Getting complete from past relationship disappointments is a liberating experience.

Getting complete is a result of choosing to do so.

To get complete, nothing monumental has to happen. You just have to choose to declare the past relationships that you are sad or regretful about as “complete.” And that will make it so.  A blank slate. If something were meant to work out, it would have.

That is being in reality and that is the point.

To assist you in getting to the point of declaring completion, here is a powerful action you can take:

Write a completion letter to someone you are not complete with.

If you are upset or stuck about a past relationship that didn’t work out, write a completion letter. Take a few minutes to write a letter (that you will not send) to the person you are not complete with. In the letter, express your gratitude for what you learned from the person and for the time spent in the relationship (perhaps for your children if you have children with the person), your feelings of regret or sadness (as applies to you), what was missing for you and anything else you’d like to express.

Finally, end the letter by wishing the person well and letting them know you are moving on. Then tear up the letter. If you prefer, you can call the person, if it’s appropriate, but most of the time, this simple letter will do the trick.  Repeat this for all of the people (and situations) you are incomplete with. You know who and what they are because you spend time and energy thinking about them and wishing they, or the situation were different.

Get complete and acknowledge your accomplishments.

Acknowledge the big things as well as the small things in all aspects of your life, including personal, family, business, spiritual, health and creative where you are incomplete or feel you missed the mark or fell short. Make sure to also acknowledge your triumphs.

During our sessions on the beach, Michael and I acknowledged our triumphs! I acknowledged having published a book, appearing on TV and radio, speaking in front of over 500 people, giving up caffeine and starting pilates. We got compete by acknowledging where we got stuck and tripped up and we recommitted to having more fun, balance and communication. I let go of where I personally fell short and forgave myself and recommitted where I needed to. We got our calendars out and planned the new year. We added classes we would take, places we would visit, people we would help and support, as well as various other business, personal and spiritual goals.

Getting complete and acknowledging what worked and what didn’t work is powerful. It shows forgiveness, gratitude and maturity. With that blank slate in front of you, you are ready to plan your 2012, the year of possibility and love in which you will design the life and love you dream of and deserve.

Why is generosity inherently valuable? It’s simple: we need to give and be generous to make a difference in someone’s life, and that fulfills our deeper need for meaning in life.

In dating, generosity is being free to share yourself with others. Our society promotes an attitude of “what have you done for me lately?” In reality, we should have an attitude of generosity toward those around us. The more love we want, the more generous we should be. If you are a loving, generous single, you will attract a loving, generous person.

True love involves nourishing someone else’s soul, not just finding someone to nourish yours.

So while you’re wrapping presents for your loved ones this holiday season, remind yourself to carry that generous attitude with you throughout the year!

Instead of asking about his best Christmas tree decorations or her favorite latkes recipe, why not try out some of these holiday party conversation starters?

1. “How do you know the host?” Establishing common relationships is an easy way to open a conversation with a stranger and can give you insight into this person’s social life. Did they meet at a book club (he values reading and learning) or know each other from childhood (she values long-lasting relationships)? While common interests are not essential in a match, getting someone to talk about their passions can give you some insight on what a person prioritizes.
2. “How does your family celebrate the holidays?” This is another natural way to find out more about what a person values. For example, does her family go to a special religious service together? Maybe his family volunteers together during the holiday season. Finding out what makes this person unique will help you understand their true spirit early on.
3. “How do you envision spending the holidays with a partner/family?” This question can give you some insight into this person’s hopes and dreams for the future—and easily translate to a larger conversation about their marriage vision. It’s important to share a common vision, values and goals, so listen closely to what they have to say about their desires.
4.  “What makes you happy during the holidays?” Finding out what brings contentment and joy to a potential mate will help you determine if you would feel happy and satisfied with them as your partner. Maybe they love finding the perfect gift for their friends or just spending time with the people close to them—listen for answers that make you smile and relate to them. It’s important to find someone whose personality you love, and this question can help you determine that.
5.  “What’s the best New Year’s resolution you’ve ever made?” This question gives your conversation partner the opportunity to talk about their ambitions or goals. If they name a goal that they made and kept, you can find out a lot about their essence by listening to how they accomplished it.

Overall, listen for answers that you find inspiring or intriguing. If the person you’re talking with seems less than engaged by these kinds of questions, move on. It’s perfectly acceptable to politely close the conversation and continue mingling with other party guests.

Even if you don’t find “the One” at one of these gatherings, recognize the value of meeting new people, practicing your dating-for-marriage skills and enjoying the holidays with the people who mean the most to you.

So dress up to feel your best, break out the eggnog, and be the happy, confident single you know yourself to be!