Mel Got Served

The Bachelor: Don't Tell, Show (and Dump)

2019-03-11T22:16:00.002-04:00

Finale - Night 1

Chris Harrison and the producers get into a van to hunt down Colton, Live PD style. Eventually, they retrieve an emotionally exhausted and dejected Colton walking down the street and is ready for this whole thing to be over. The next morning, Chris Harrison comes to talk to Colton in his hotel room and the dude is heartbroken over going on without Cassie. He was falling for the other two girls, but in love with Cassie and thinks she loves him too but having two other girls in the picture scared her. "Or she's just not that into you," says Chris Harrison, the blunt speaker of possible truths.

Colton decides to not just tell but show Cassie she's the one. And so Colton heads to Tayshia's hotel room and ends things with her, so much so as saying he straight-up loves Cassie to Tayshia's face. Tayshia requests an off-camera conversation and her wish is actually granted of no-cameras, but their microphones are still on as they talk, cry, and hear pounding heartbeats. Tayshia grabs her purse and gets in the van to leave. Cut to, Tayshia reliving this at the live reunion in front of an audience and understanding that when he came to her hotel room and he seemed shaken she knew bad news was coming. Then Colton comes out with his hideous hair (WTF is happening dude??), and Tayshia wonders what was missing (he was all-in on Cassie, basically). Well I stan Tayshia for Bachelorette but I know this show will pick a blander choice, but please know Tayshia has my heart.

After what seems like 800 years, Hannah G actually appears on this show and is so excited for her Colton time. She has no clue what's coming and he informs Hannah G that he has stronger feelings for someone else and he loved Cassie. For a long time he thought it would be Hannah because she reminds him of "home" (what does that even mean??), but his heart went another way. She's crushed and blindsided. Even Colton doesn't know if he's doing the right thing and he sobs in the hallway, comforted by a producer. Colton wonders if he gave up a "for sure thing for something that isn't even possible." But he's willing to give it all up for Cassie. Cut to, Hannah G watching this all in front of the audience. Confused is Hannah's buzzword, but she's no longer in love with Colton because she deserves to be loved back. Hannah felt fairly led on with no reasons it would be a no (plus he got blessings), but why didn't she get maybe a little more of a chance? Colton didn't want to make her a backup plan because she didn't deserve it, and after the Cassie heartbreak he didn't want to be The Bachelor anymore and wasn't going to do a date he wasn't into. Hannah wants jumping-over-the-fence-for-me love and she's over this flop.

And THEN there's more filler, with ex-Bachelor Ben Higgins and Blake, Jason, and Garett - Colton's buddies from last season. It is not at all valuable.

Skip to, sad crying Colton knocks on the door to Cassie's room for a cliffhanger OF COURSE.

[All images credited to ABC]

The Bachelor: Colton Jumps the Fence

2019-03-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

Week 9 - Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All

It's Fantasy Suite week and we've been waiting all season for it. Not because we want to see Colton bang (but the show does), but because he finally jumps the fence that we've seen in all the previews! Off to Algarve, Portugal to get it started and maybe Colton will make sweet, sweet love to someone he's in love with.

Colton and Tayshia hop on a helicopter to escort them to an epic cliffside view where they rehash the visit to Tayshia's hometown and make a lot of virginity jokes. Bone zone or not, Colton knows this overnight time without cameras is a good time to really get to know another person. Tayshia understands Colton's resistance to talk about his virginity (Ummm it's like all we hear about), and she opens up that she only slept with her ex-husband before marrying him and he cheated on her. Tayshia's excited for the next step and since her boob keeps falling out of her romper, seems like she's very ready to potentially be Colton's first. But she's not. Maybe some things happened, maybe they just talked and slept, but Colton's virginity is still intact. Also still intact, the breakfast setup for them that they never touch because Colton leaves pretty early. Colton's not in love with Tayshia yet but says hey maybe, you can't force feelings.

For date number 2, Colton and Cassie go full tourist complete with a convertible, feeding each other dessert, checking out shops, and smooching against alley walls. Colton's totally smitten with Cassie and can't keep his hands off her, which is what he wants in a wife. In fact, Colton believes his night with Cassie may be the night he finally enters the Bone Zone. Cassie is falling for Colton but also wishes they had more time and is thrown for a loop when Colton reveals that her dad did not give the marriage blessing during hometown dates. The fact that Cassie's family isn't sold on her relationship with Colton makes her really confused, so the show really ups the ante.

As Cassie prepares for the night portion of the date, she gets a surprise at the door: her dad. Cassie's dad wants her to think really hard about this possible commitment and if she's truly ready because she seems conflicted. Cassie isn't ready for the relationship to end, but also isn't sure about a potential proposal at the end. Sooo, the gossip in the house that she wasn't ready isn't totally wrong. Dad tells Cassie that you can't force feelings and there shouldn't be any doubt when she's found the one. And with doubts swirling in her mind about everything, Cassie heads to the night portion of the date and makes a bold decision: she's ending things with Colton. She loves Colton but she's not in love with Colton. He's absolutely crushed because he's in love with Cassie and wants to be with her and will be patient if she wants time. And thus begins Colton's breakdown after getting his heart destroyed. He hightails it out of his unused Fantasy Suite and bolts, hopping over the fence, and gets lost in the wilderness somewhere. Will we ever find Colton????? Oh yeah, probably, because he's at the Women Tell All.

And just when this week should be over, it's the Women Tell All special AKA be noticed enough to ensure your Bachelor in Paradise slot. So we get to endure Nicole and Onyeka again, and Courtney trying to shove a pacifier into Demi's mouth. You can't even hear what the women are telling because they're all shouting over each other. Caelynn tries to defend the conversation her and Cassie had about being The Bachelorette, but Katie insists Caelynn wasn't there for the right reasons and admitted over-the-phone the truth. Demi gets in the hot seat because she's great, and for some reason, Nicole gets a visit to the hot seat because she cries a lot and free year's supply of Halo Top ice cream. Hannah B's hot seat visit is an obvious campaign for Bachelorette because of her staunch belief of thinking everyone deserves a strong love that loves them back, with Chris Harrison toasting to her finding "fierce love". Caelynn gets really emotional watching the playback video and was blindsided by Colton dumping her. Colton comes out with a really weird haircut? Or maybe the color? Weird makeup? It's very Jake Pavelka and that's not a compliment. Colton still has no good answer to give Caelynn any true closure except that he didn't love her. The fence jump is discussed and Colton explains it feels crappy to not be loved back and just because you're The Bachelor doesn't mean you're invincible and guaranteed to have every girl love you. Then the bloopers roll and Colton says "Nailed it!" A LOT. And so now we wait to see how Colton's love story will end? Is this a psych-out like past seasons? Will Hannah G get a Fantasy Suite? Does Colton chase after Cassie? Has Colton banged? All answers to come in in the finale.

[All images credited to ABC]

Survivor Edge of Extinction: Let's Have a Dialogue

2019-03-03T18:34:00.000-05:00

Week 2

Reem finds out Edge of Extinction has no defined timeline except her own personal limits, so if at any time she wants to quit she can raise a flag. So she spends her time starving and crying alone on a deserted island, as we all probably would.

Back in the main game, the Kama tribe remains hellbent of getting rid of the returnees despite the tribe getting along well and their skillful moves for Ron's dream dance-number entrance to the next Immunity Challenge. Since Joe is defined as the physically strong one, the target on Aubry grows even bigger, especially after the newbies compare notes and see Aubry has tried to have "a dialogue" with each of them. Good news for Kama is that Manu is much more of a mess and scattered in their plans. Wendy feels like she's next to go and puts all the blame on Kelley, trying to loop in Rick (who is apparently getting the last night treatment "Devens") and David - and David's sort of open to the idea of cut-her-before-she-cuts-me. But in order to blindside Kelley, they need to get a majority and sharing the plan with the wrong person could make it all backfire. Speaking of secrets, Kelley's #1 fan Lauren finds a Hidden Immunity Idol but keeps it super secret and rehides it in the sand to keep it away from nosy folks because unlike men, women don't have junk to hide it. Speaking of junk, CBS censors, you sure it's a good idea to leave men in their wet undies instead of a swimsuit?

The Immunity Challenge this week requires swimming and carry a giant, heavy snake through the water and nailing ring toss. Manu initially falls behind due to Keith's swimming and a lack of strength to lift the snake, but catches up and loses the ring toss battle - also in part due to Keith. Wardog thinks the tribe should target Keith because he's a challenge liability whereas Wendy is a good swimmer and does well, but Kelley would rather vote off the person actually targeting her. Keith is such a nice, loyal guy so Chris wonders if maybe they should blindside Kelley and keep Keith - just like David and Rick/Devens wanted! But then Chris tells the plan to Wardog who is opposed to the whole plan and thinks she's a better shield to keep around if there's a tribe swap.

Tribal Council time! Probst asks if the people who got votes at the first Tribal Council are nervous, and both didn't love the feeling. Kelley defends why she needs to remain in the game, including her strength since this tribe is a clunker. Keith get asks about keeping the tribe strong when his performance was, and I quote Jeff Probst, "a disaster." Keith hopes his loyalty and trust will be more valuable. The tribe is sure this vote will be a blindside, but it's not to Wentworth as teased. Alas, Keith and his bad challenge skills are voted off the tribe and as he gets to the Edge of Extinction sign he can't make up his mind which way to go. Guess we'll find out next week.

[All images credited to CBS]

The Bachelor: Colton's Falling In Love with Everyone

2019-02-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

Week 8 - Hometown Dates

Caelynn kicks off hometown date week at the highest level: a horsedrawn carriage to get soft serve ice cream. Then comes the whole meeting-the-family-part where apparently they invited any distant relative for a barbeque. Caelynn's stepdad can't stop watching from a distance out of fear they're making hasty decisions (or just dude hates PDA and watching his daughter get fed). Caelynn's mom is having a hard time processing meeting Colton and then in like a week, her daughter might be engaged to him. Caelynn's stepdad recommends instead her and Colton be friends. I mean, it's a possibility if she gets to be The Bachelorette. While Colton is falling in love with Caelynn, he knows there are more discussions to have. Good thing they would have one whole Fantasy Suite date to cover those looming questions! Stepdad questions if Colton is really ready to be married, but with some assurance gives his blessing. I'm sure Caelynn's mom is totally cool with it, but no need to asked her. Now that her family can see their connection, Caelynn ends the night by telling Colton she loves him.

Hometown date #2 brings Colton to Birmingham, Alabama to meet Hannah G's family. But first, Hannah brings Colton to etiquette lessons to get trained on being a southern gentleman (not re-enacting A League of Their Own like I hoped). After Colton learns the proper way to eat a roll with butter, the teacher basically says be yourself and protect Hannah or something. I forget, I just really want a roll with butter now. Onto dinner where Colton makes what seems like a nice toast but Hannah's mother doesn't like it, especially knowing that her daughter could be heartbroken at the end. Hannah's sisters bring up the virginity and she isn't bothered by it. Hannah assures her mother her feelings for Colton and genuine, and her mother accepts her growth as a woman. Colton gets dad's blessing and never talks on-camera to Hannah G's mom nor gets her blessing. Hey guys, moms care too. Anyways, Hannah tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. Sound familiar?

Colton arrives in Orange County, California only to be immediately blindfolded by Tayshia and brought to the airport for some skydiving. Colton accepts the payback for making Tayshia bungee jump with him previously and enjoys the ride. Or fly? As the sun sets by the airplane hanger, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. That's 3 for 3! Tayshia's family is welcoming of Colton but also very protective since she's been through a divorce before. Dad says just don't lead Tayshia, or any of the women, along in this process and be honest with Tayshia if Colton is dropping "I love yous" to everyone (fun fact: despite saying he would, Colton at no point has told Tayshia he's given the same schpiel to all the women). This dad, however, isn't as quick to give a marriage blessing because he just met this dude. Tayshia and her dad have a great heart-to-heart about how much Colton means to her but also his concerns as a dad not wanting to see his daughter hurt, but he also trusts her instincts and decides to give the blessing afterall.

Last stop is Huntington Beach, California to see Cassie and get a surfing lesson. Cassie feels strongly for Colton but isn't dropping the ILUs as easily as the others. Cassie's dad is giving a watchful eye as Colton is all touchy-feely on his daughter, wondering if he does the same with the other girls (yes, he does). Cassie gushes to her sister about Colton and thinks maybe she's falling in love with him, but doesn't want to feel rushed to say it and sees the potential that's why she's sticking around. Her sister says if there's any doubt, don't feel pressured into it. Colton tells Cassie's mom he's falling in love with her and they have undeniable chemistry, which is a weird thing to tell a mom. Dad reminds Cassie she's 23 and doesn't need to rush into a forever decision. Despite the nice talk together, dad can't give a premature blessing and it's a downer for Colton. Also, Cassie doesn't end the date with an "I'm falling in love you" like everyone else so it's another kick in the balls for Colton.

The four women reconvene at a fully re-done barn or something for the Rose Ceremony. Someone won't be going to the potential Bone Zone with Colton and he has to follow his heart to get there. Hannah G, Tayshia, and Cassie receive roses, which blows my mind to see Caelynn gone as I thought she was kind of a shoo-in. Caelynn feels like an idiot for thinking this was going to work out and even picturing their future together, but it's hard to not picture the future when Colton literally tells you he sees their dog and kids and stuff. Caelynn leaves crying, while the other 3 start pondering what's going to happen in the Fantasy Suites with virginal Colton.

[All images credited to ABC]

Survivor Edge of Extinction: Reem to the Extreme

2019-02-24T15:40:00.002-05:00

Week 1

Fourteen new castaways are preparing to be marooned in the middle of the ocean for the 38th season of Survivor, but they're not alone. No, not the camera crew. There are four returnees competing alongside them: Joe Anglim AKA Joey Amazing, Kelley Wentworth, David Wright, and Aubry Bracco. Jeff Probst hammers home to everyone that Survivor is an unpredictable game where you have to push yourself further than you ever imagined and this is all subtle Probst hyperbole to not out the big secret twist of the season. In this season, after being voted out, you can choose to go home or go to the Edge of Extinction for a chance to get back in the game. And with that, the tribes start hustling and grabbing supplies, fruit, etc. before paddling off to their new homes.

Returnees Kelley and David are placed on the Manu tribe with blue buffs and ingratiate themselves fairly well despite being obvious threats. After tribemate Keith nearly drowned in the marooning, Reem and Wendy (who has mild Tourettes) give him some swimming lessons. This trio is viewed as the tribe's weakest members, and more annoying since Reem touched everyone's laundry, so they're easy early targets. Over on Kama beach and sporting yellow buffs, Aubry and Joe try to lay low as the returnees and get the newbies to trust them. It's hard for Joe to fly under the radar though when he's the guru for all things survival related and makes fire without flint. Newbies Eric and Gavin agree that a new player should win this season because returnees have had their chance, and plan to go after Aubry first since Joe is a great shield. Also, the first Secret Advantage of the season is found by school teacher Ron, who snagged it at the marooning. Ron finds the Advantage Menu, an ala carte choice of three different advantages but he must use it by the third Tribal Council.

The first Immunity Challenge is an intense obstacle course, which gives Kelley the first head wound of the season. The giant slide puzzle is the deciding factor and the Kama tribe wins immunity and the Manu tribe will be the first to visit Tribal Council. The Manu divide is obvious, but when Reem suggests breaking up returnee Kelley and newbie Lauren's initial tight bond, it's Keith who fills the majority in on Reem's schemes and that really helps seal the target-deal on her. Oh and because she's deemed weaker than Wendy, likely because she's an older woman - a common Survivor trope. Wardog suggests voting off Wendy instead because regardless of the bigger plan, Wendy insists on voting with Reem. Reem is not a happy camper when she gets wind of being the target and isn't going out without a fight, or a sharp machete.

Tribal Council time! Probst asks about the tribe's initial dynamic and any pairings, but he's quick to transition the conversation into Reem's noticeably bad mood because she's doomed. Kelley says her name and Lauren's were thrown out too, so it doesn't feel good regardless if you're new or returning. Reem says Kelley's name being a target is an honor because she's a legend. Yeah but legends ain't coming to be first boot. This Tribal Council is the Reem show and we're all here for it as she defends herself and actions. Reem knows the age and mom-card are against here, and even though Wendy is her friend she can tell Reem's fate is sealed. Reem's loved ones told her before the show "Don't be the first one to get voted out" and it's a bad omen, as Reem is officially the first one eliminated from the game. BUT ALAS, it's not over for Reem. When she faces the fork-in-the-road (well sign) to choose to end her game or a chance to return, Reem takes the voyage to a dark, isolated existence on the Edge of Extinction.

[All images credited to CBS]

The Bachelor: Where's the Truth?

2019-02-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

Week 7

So long Asia, we're heading home! No, literally home for Colton because they're off to Denver, Colorado. After the warning from three different women that there are still girls in the competition that "aren't ready," Colton needs wisdom and guidance. Enter Ben Higgins! Ben nods while Colton talks about his dilemma about falling for multiple people, then they hug it out. Then the girls meet Colton's dog and try to put on their best "I'm here for the right reasons" face.

Colton takes Tayshia on a tour of his favorite places with his dog and I'm here for any date where a dog gets to have ice cream. Colton tells Tayshia he knows she's not a wrong reasons girl, and while Tayshia is hesitant to say something so honest she believes the recently departed were referring to Cassie and Caelynn, supposedly discussing being the next Bachelorette and saying they're not ready to get engaged. After being forced into the tattle tale spot, Tayshia and Colton head to an Airbnb apartment to cook dinner with Colton and talk a bit about her family before hometown visits. Tayshia's dad is potentially going to be a hardass since she was married before, but she's confident he'd be happy to give a blessing because she's so happy. Colton gives Tayshia the rose and they celebrate their pending hometown visit with a makeout session while Tayshia wears an "Underwood" football jersey.

Caelynn's 1-on-1 date takes her snowboarding with Colton and he puts on a truly exceptional happy face considering he's heard that she's not there for the right reasons. The snowboarding lesson is brief before cutting to the serious convo and she's upset and frustrated because she insists she's here for an engagement to Colton. It ruins the whole date as dinner is super uncomfortable and not just because it's in a random log cabin or something. Caelynn tells Colton she's totally herself with him and falling in love with him (and he with her). It's a fairly somber date overall but ends in a rose and a private concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Good thing she got the date or this Brett Young dude and his band would've set up for no reason.

Caelynn fills Cassie in about what was said about them, then heads downstairs to confront Tayshia. Tayshia defends herself and apparently, all the girls noticed Cassie and Caelynn being most defensive about the allegations so they agreed it was them. Well, guess this friendship is over.

On the last 1-on-1 date of the week, Colton takes Hannah B to meet his family which seems like a big step and also weeks before this usually happens. Even weirder: Colton brings Hannah B to meet his family, even though he isn't feeling love for her yet and she's saying she's in love with him. Seems... mean and misleading? Colton gets actual advice worth listening to from his dad, a major upgrade from Ben Higgins (sorry Ben). Since Colton is really serious about finding his wife and sussing out the liars, he asks Hannah B to basically defend her love for him. Colton appreciates her honesty and open heart, but is honest with himself and isn't sure he is there with her and can't go to a hometown asking for a hand in marriage if he has doubts. And with that, we lose Hannah B.

The group date girls board an old choo-choo train with Colton which is less Murder on the Orient Express than I hoped. Not even a Hercule Poirot "right reasons" investigation in the dining car? Shame! On her alone-time, Heather shows her maturity by telling Colton she can't take him to her hometown when she's not totally feeling him, so it's off to the caboose for her. No seriously, she leaves alone on the caboose. There's still the Cassie of it all, and everyone knows these aren't lies. She insists she's there for Colton and doesn't understand why they'd make up these lies. Kirpa knows what ending an engagement is like and doesn't want that for Colton, so she provides the solid evidence of the two girls getting defensive after the last rose ceremony. Cassie gets upset that Kirpa threw her under the bus again, and Kirpa believes what Katie said. Well, this is going nowhere. Colton holds onto the date roses for later at dinner to make this drag out even longer. He quickly gives Hannah G the rose because he was practically banging her last week and she's not in the drama. But the drama ain't over guys because Caelynn just rolls up on the date to tell Colton more truths, but then they cut away! Colton returns and gives his rose to Cassie, because he's falling for her regardless of the she-said-she-said.

WTF happened? No idea.

[All images credited to ABC]

Survivor Edge of Extinction Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2019-02-18T19:18:00.001-05:00

It's cold as heck around the country, but thankfully we'll be transported to the sunny beaches of Fiji yet again for Survivor: Edge of Extinction. The 38th season is a battle of will power and never giving up, as the castaways have the choice after being voted out to either end the adventure or have a chance to return to the game by living on the Edge of Extinction. It's about never giving up and pushing yourself, and that's why I'm confident in my pick.

I've done my usual research of reading player bios, checking out some videos and articles, maybe a podcast here and there - but this season I also followed my heart. Again.

MEL PREDICTS...

Aubry will win Survivor: Edge of Extinction

My beloved BFF Aubry is back on Survivor so there's no question who I'm picking to win. Aubry is a true badass with a strategic and social mind. Jeff Probst himself said Aubry is "one of my favorite Survivors ever." Same Jeff, same.

Now it's your turn! Time for YOU to cast your pre-show winner prediction. Who do you think will be the winner of Survivor: Edge of Extinction? VOTE BELOW - voting closes right when the east coast premiere begins!

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[All images credited via EW via CBS]

The Bachelor: A Punch to the Face (and Heart)

2019-02-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

Week 6

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton easily cuts Onyeka and Nicole because it was obviously coming and also they spent the whole cocktail party throwing each other under the bus. Both are upset but take solace in the fact that the other girl was cut. That's the spirit!

Colton brings Hannah on his first 1-on-1 date in Vietnam for a sexy spa day where they make out while wrapped in banana leaves, sitting in mud, and in the shower. Both share a love for showering. Hannah G opens up at dinner about her parent's divorce and since Colton is also a child of divorce they bond more. And by bond I also mean kiss. Hannah G gets the date rose, a slow dance, and a voiceover that Colton is falling in love with Hannah.

A group date invite sends Demi into tears as she expected to finally get a 1-on-1 date. Good thing she can fight out her feelings with a vovinam date (that's Vietnamese partial arts for you who don't want or don't feel like Googling). Chris Harrison co-hosts the fights with the host of the Vietnamese Bachelor and their chemistry is like Colton with most women: non-existent. At the night portion of the date, Demi really pulls a big move by having Colton call her fresh-out-of-jail mom with her. On the other side of the spectrum, the girls not getting as much attention as the clear front-runners verbalize their displeasure and Colton feeds them the Kool-Aid that it's all OK. Sydney gets the saltiest to Colton's face about being deserving of a 1-on-1 and while Colton keeps trying to string her along because of this show, Sydney decides to leave because she actually wants a magical relationship. Colton's still working out I guess how much love he has to give or something, but he gives his date rose to Tayshia while kind of looking like Debbie Downer.

Kirpa gets the final 1-on-1 this week and that's because we haven't had anyone get dumped unwillingly outside a Rose Ceremony yet. Colton kicks off their sexy fun time by solemnly discussing Sydney's departure. Then they snorkel together and over dinner, Kirpa reveals she was engaged to a virgin who she was with for 8 years and Colton reminds us yet again his lack of boning is not related to religion. Shockingly, Kirpa is not dumped on this date (and I had to rewrite this paragrah) and gets a date rose.

Demi feels her connection with Colton is pretty strong so she decides to get gussied up and show up at his hotel room. Demi tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he "appreciates it." But that's not the lowest point for this moment. Colton tells Demi he doesn't see a future with her and he can't drag her feelings along like this until a Rose Ceremony. Poor Demi is dumped but we know her true love awaits her in Paradise.

After explaining that "Things have definitely changed here in Vietnam" and not meaning it as a deep history lesson about war, Chris Harrison lets the girls know the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Oh noooo. Katie (who?) doesn't get a rose and leaves Colton with an ominous warning that there are girls remaining who aren't ready and Colton is shook.

[All images credited to ABC]

The Bachelor: Heather Been Kissed

2019-02-05T20:15:00.000-05:00

Week 5

Heather gets the first 1-on-1 date in Thailand and if you thought "Will Colton lose his virginity?" was an annoying question, imagine a whole date around "Will Heather have her first kiss ever with Colton?" The pair take a boat out to this amazing floating city with shops and food - book my ticket, please! Heather is waiting for her perfect first kiss but is totally OK licking the same ice cream cone as Colton which I find far more intimate (and germy) than a smooch. At dinner, Heather explains she dated a guy for 8 months and they didn't kiss because it just never happened/wasn't right and even Colton sees the no kissing as a red flag. But that doesn't stop Colton from giving Heather the date rose and her first kiss ever under a sky full of fireworks.

Elyse becomes the first girl to snap from "the process" of harem dating on a reality TV show. Elyse puts on her most flowy ethereal dress and heads to Colton's hotel room to explain she needs time and attention for a true relationship, which is non-existent in this show. Colton's into her but she can't share his time with other people and then be expected to get engaged at the end of this. Girl, this is the WRONG show. Elyse quits the show because she knows she can't accept a proposal at the end of dating for a cumulative time of maybe four days. Someone.... actually is upset at themselves for choosing to be on this sham of a show? I'm speechless.

Ok my speech is back and we're onto the group date. A wonderful guide gives Colton and his ladies training on how to survive in the wild, like identifying poop, eating bugs, and touching creepy crawlies. Colton confronts his fear of snakes by letting one sit on his neck so that's progress. While Colton and his group of ladies scavage for food, somehow (AKA producers handed) Demi and the Hannahs bring plates of burgers as the food they "found." What a laugh! Colton is super into Tayshia because she snuck him away for mid-food-scavaging kissing and they kiss on the beach. Hannah B will see your sneak-away kissing and up the ante with the "I'm falling in love with you" line. Onyeka decides to pull Colton aside to tell him that honest Elyse said Nicole is using this show as an opportunity to "leave Miami." Nicole's upset, Tayshia defends Nicole that the conversation was misconstrued, and it's all a mess.

Cassie finally gets a 1-on-1 date with Colton and take a boat to their own private makeout island. Like that's ALL they do. Barely talking, just nonstop ocean kissing. Fast forward to nighttime where they stop full on making out for a while (but still continue periodically kissing) and talk about the ol' virginity bomb we hadn't heard in like a week maybe. Turns out Cassie's "community" (whatever that means) doesn't know she's not a virgin and will find out because of this show. So you can't be a virgin, but you also can't not be a virgin on this show? Help, I'm confused. Somehow they end up snuggling and smooching in a bed and Colton tells Cassie he's "crazy about her." Of course she has a date rose because Colton's way into her and hopes she's all-in too. Foreshadowing???

At the cocktail party, Colton lights a lantern with Tayshia, gets a trust ring from Demi, and has Kirpa check his teeth. Nicole tries to assure Colton that she's genuine and here for real love, but then decides to throw Onyeka under the bus by saying Onyeka has been bullying her the entire time. Onyeka is appalled by these accusations and confronts Nicole and as they go back and forth, for some reason Colton decides to join and listen to their redundant argument. He realizes this is pointless and annoying and literally walks away from the entire cocktail party to avoid this bullshit.

[All images credited to ABC and Fanart.tv]

The Bachelor: Leapin' and Leechin'

2019-01-29T22:11:00.000-05:00

Week 4

The girls are released from their California mansion prison and jet set off to Singapore in their first destination of love.

Tayshia receives the first 1-on-1 date in Singapore and while Colton feels their relationship isn't as strong as others, he still enjoys her company. Well, nothing will develop a bond quite like an extreme Bachelor date going bungee jumping, which leads to some ocean smooching. Over dinner, Tayshia opens up that she is divorced. Colton appreciates her openness and gives her the rose, following by a makeout session in one of those fancy Ferris Wheels that are tourist traps.

Colton gets leech therapy which is only the second most sucking he gets on this date as thirteen women vie for his attention on the streets of Singapore. Hannah B fears Colton is ignoring her after Caelynn called her manipulative, so she eats a fish eye to impress him and then immediately grabs him on the night portion of the date to express her feelings and it's all OK again. Colton and Cassie kiss despite being told in a past life they were siblings. Demi is an attention hog, but gets vulnerable by revealing that her mom was just released from prison. Courtney is complaining about no Colton time because she's not getting up an interrupting, then gets pissed at Demi for getting two alone-time moments when she's had none. Demi gets the group date rose for showing another side to her, sending Courtney into tears that Colton likely acknowledges that he had no alone time with Courtney and doesn't care.

A hotel butler hand-delivers Caelynn's date card where Colton "spoils" her with a shopping spree on production's dime. She gets all these fancy gowns and yet she wears none of them to the night portion of the date but I guess the bedazzled feather gown can be worn any time. Caelynn opens up to Colton on a new level and reveals 4 years ago she and her friends were sexually assaulted after their drinks were spiked, the legal system failed her, and all but one guy got away with it. It's a beyond awful story and Caelynn is a strong woman for sharing such a hard story on national television. Colton opens up about his ex that also experienced sexual abuse (not named, by Olympian Aly Raisman) and has seen first hand already how traumatic this can all be and how much it affects a person and intimacy. For all the bullshit we've had to deal with on this show, this is an important discussion the show allowed to breathe and be true and to that, I give them kudos.

But back to the normal shitstorm that is The Bachelor. Colton admits he barely knows anything about Hannah G since she's slow to open up, but he still digs her and they really make out on a bed. Meanwhile, the other Hannah and Caelynn call a truce. Courtney makes some passive aggressive comments about Demi, so Demi tells Colton that Courtney is not deserving of his heart and he shouldn't waste his time. Courtney is appalled when she learns that she's been dubbed "the cancer of the house" and says that's Demi. Wrong reasons alert for Demi! But all this do anything to save Courtney and she leaves along with Tracy. Looks like Demi won those battles.

[All images credited to ABC]

The Bachelor: Beautiful Monsters

2019-01-22T19:43:00.001-05:00

Week 3

The first group date girls head off to a live pirate show where the two best lady pirates battle head-to-head in front of a crowd (Tracy and Caelynn). Hannah B confesses to Colton that her and Caelynn are former pageant friends but had a falling out and implies Caelynn is a bad person. Colton feels confused by Hannah B saying there's no way he could be attracted to the both of them given their personality differences, but he ultimately chooses to give the group date rose to Caelynn. She wants to be happy but can't because Hannah B shit all over the night with drama. All over this overshadows everything else that happens which is pretty much Demi calling Tracy old again and blindfolding Colton and massaging him with a mannequin-hand massaging.

Colton takes Elyse on a helicopter ride to San Diego for their 1-on-1 date and it feels like producers dropped in this helicopter just to try to grab my interest. The pair get an entire theme park rented out just for them and their group date companions: kids! One little girl watches the show with her mom and I truly wish that child said, "They should have picked Blake" but alas, not so lucky. Colton runs a charity for children with cystic fibrosis so this is a date that means a lot to him and there are no virginity jokes, so A+ there. On the night portion of the date, Elyse reveals her sister passed away after childbirth due to a cancerous tumor and they also started a charity in her honor. Elyse gets the date rose AND a "private" concert in front of an audience. The sugar high from the cotton candy was much needed for this long but awesome date.

Actor Terry Crews and his wife Rebecca host the "Bachelor's Strongest Woman" competition to be declared the strongest of them all. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are there to provide commentary as the women do impossible challenges that surely will give them hernias or other medical problems. Teeny Caitlin miraculous pulls a limo (thanks producers!) but Onyeka wins the trophy - and cake! Colton is very turned on by all the "strong, confident women" and does a lot of night-date kissing. Except with Caitlin where it's not progressing and there's no chemistry, so Colton cuts her loose early.

The house is shook at Chris Harrison's announcement that there's no cocktail party... cause there's a pool party! Colton hopes to lighten the mood while also getting the answers to his lingering questions with no shirt on. Colton assures Hannah G that their connection is very solid, that's why she didn't have a date this week. Hannah B wants to forget that she spent time shit-talking Caelynn, then decides to let her "beautiful monster out" should Caelynn dare talk shit about her. Caelynn does use her Colton time to say that Hannah B is manipulative and deceitful. Hey, it's what Hannah B called her too! But who is telling the truth? Hannah B tells Colton that if he picks Caelynn, he wouldn't ever see the true her. Oh his brain does not compute and the pool party is ruined.

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton keeps Hannah B so looks like we can "enjoy" this storyline for at least another week. Or until a 1-on-1 date.

[All images credited to ABC]

The Bachelor: Don't Touch That Rose

2019-01-15T20:18:00.002-05:00

Week 2

Comedians Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman host the first group date where all the girls have to share their "firsts." It's boring overall minus Megan and Nick's cursing and sexual overtones. Elyse bravely talks about being over 30 on this show and Tracy tells a story about dating a virgin and getting punched in the face. Demi tells how "she got the first group date rose" by walking off stage a kissing Colton. The girls don't like Demi's 'tude/confidence and when Demi deigns to touch the group date rose on her own accord and not by the hands of Colton, Tracy confronts her. It leads to pretty much nothing and over-30-Elyse gets the group date rose despite Nicole opening up about her austistic twin and Hannah G reminding him of "home" - whatever that means.

Hannah B gets a birthday treat (is ittttt?) with a 1-on-1 date with Colton riding horses in the desert. Caelynn isn't happy her pageant rival Hannah B got the date and experts Hannah to shift her personality and snap or something. TV dating is not Hannah's forte so it's an uncomfortable date and a little cringey. After Colton encourages Hannah B that it's OK to not be perfect, so of course they talk about Colton's virginity. Ultimately, Hannah B opens up and gets comfortable so she gets the date rose and a kiss on an unmoving boat.

The second group date brings the girls to "Camp Bachelor" with grilling and games... and being shouted at by comedian Billy Eichner. When you have the dullest Bachelor ever, you bring in talent! The girls are divided into two teams to compete for a night at sleepaway camp or heading home early - like me when I went to YMCA camp in 5th grade! The red team wins more Colton time, which allows Heather to reveal to Colton that she's never even kissed a guy. One-upping the lead! Heather doesn't get a kiss from Colton but she does get the group date rose.

Come cocktail party, it's apparently turned into a young vs old battle which I imagine is divided by who can get a rental car and who cannot. Sydney gets interrupted by an air horn, so she returns the interruption by crashing a pan, and I'm pretty sure the caterers don't want their equipment damaged. The Tracy vs. Demi battle continues as a bathrobe-clad Demi interrupts Tracy's talk time to give Colton a massage. Demi apologizes, it's boring. Colton gives out roses, it's also boring and some women go home that I basically don't remember anyways. Not as torturous as week 1 but I still barely care. Thank you, next week.

[All images credited to ABC]

The Bachelor: Colton's Horrible Premiere

2019-01-08T19:08:00.002-05:00

Week 1

Colton the former NFL playing virgin is The Bachelor! I point out the virgin thing because it's apparently the crux of the entire season to get this guy laid - oh, and to find true love. The show knows we care so little for him that in the first 30 minutes his only appearance is in a framed photo. Instead, the show introduces many of his future girlfriends who all talk about Colton's virginity because again, there is literally nothing else about him. Eventually, we watch him parade around in many shirtless activities and acknowledges none of us wanted to see him as The Bachelor. But he apparently really fell in love last time and is ready to find his life partner on this show.

After an additional 25 minutes of filler content of franchise alumni, fan parties, and randos getting engaged, the show actually begins. I already hate this season.

The limos finally pull up and, of course, the first girl out throws out a virginity joke because, again, nothing else of interest. Most of the other girls give their standard greetings to make them not be total tools on TV, but there's always the exception. Caitlin makes him pop a balloon AKA a cherry, Courtney makes him each her peach, and Katie takes his V-card. Alex D takes her "Colton takes it slow" pun to the next level by dressing as a sloth and it's the only virginity joke I can tolerate because the costume distracted me. Hannah G gifts Colton with his favorite underwear: an empty box because he wears none. Heyo, freeballin! Tracy the wardrobe stylist arrives in a cop car as fashion police and it's so forced that I can't even. Some girls bust out second languages, but Bri stands out with her Australian accent - which is totally fake as a way to stand out. Erin, whose career is "Cinderella" apparently, arrives in a carriage and leaves her shoe behind. And Catherine brings her dog Lucy because I'm guessing she couldn't afford a longterm dog sitter.

Colton comes inside and gives a speech about being ready and excited for "all of this" and I'm glad one person feels that way. He gets one normal conversation before getting the "Why are you a virgin?" question (his personal life took a backseat for his career and he's waiting for the right person/moment) Then it's back to bonding and he shares his first kiss of the season with Miss North Carolina Caelynn. Catherine the dog girl interrupts women two times, gets a light scolding from Onyeka who tells her to chill, so Catherine interrupts another time. Content creator Hannah G in her shimmering gown gets the first impression rose for reminding Colton of home. Honestly guys, I paid maybe 35% attention to this and I know I should be recapping legit but like, this is basically a journal about reality TV and I make about $100 every 7 years from the blog so I'll say what I feel like. This is my Bachelor downward spiral.

At the Rose Ceremony, Colton gives out a bunch of roses and the last rose goes to "fourth time's a charm" interrupter Catherine. Colton cuts a lot of girls I don't remember but one is the sloth so guess she'll always have that onesie. I'd much rather have that onesie than Colton, TBH. Fingers crossed this season improves because lords and ladies, that was a painful three hours.

[All images credited to ABC]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Nick is the Sole Survivor

2018-12-28T12:16:00.001-05:00

Week 13 - Finale

Everyone goes idol hunting after the double play last week. Angelina finds then loses a clue to the Hidden Immunity idol, but she at least successfully found the ladder to climb up and get the idol. To avoid being caught meandering around the well, Angelina lies and fake cries that she fell nearby. Good news for Angelina: Nick invites her and Mike on his Immunity/Reward combo meal which happens to be setup right by the well. What a convenient location! Angelina proposes a final 3 deal between then and then confides about her idol dilemma and drunk Mike with a wine glass in hand re-finds the clue on the beach. The trio secures the idol from its wall hiding spot and she's gleeful to help up the percentage of women finding immunity idols.

As usual, everyone wants to get Alison out and Alison mopes about being hungry and targeted. The group consensus, however, is that Angelina is obsessed with getting out Alison and that Davie is the bigger threat to go after (because he's delightful and pals with Nick). Mike begins persuading Angelina to vote with him and Kara to break up the David-bonded-bros. Tribal Council time! Alison says not everyone is being discussed and it's her and Davie on the chopping block. Angelina and Alison discuss their complicated relationship in the game. Davie explains that as the numbers dwindle, the bonds get stronger and betrayal is what can lose you the game. And so it hurts even more when Davie is eliminated from the game and Nick denies his involvement (true fact). Longtime superfan Davie, who wasn't initially meant to be a part of this cast, is a great sport though and promises whoever led his ouster will receive his vote in the finale unless someone else makes a bigger move. "I orchestrated it," Mike laughs. I mean, he did!

Nick is furious that Angelina and Mike broke their word and voted off Davie, leaving Nick as the last David in the game for easy pick-off. Good news for Nick is he wins immunity again so even if he was the target, he can't go home at this vote. It's time for Alison's inevitable vote off that has basically been spoken about for five Tribals now, but Angelina has a grand plan of playing an idol correctly at a "pivotal" point in the game to impress the jury but also rub salt in Alison's wounds. Alison discovers the fake idol, Angelina fakes sadness that she's going home due to Alison and Kara's votes against her, then plans to surprise everyone at Tribal Council with the real idol. This is wonderful TV but horrendous gameplay. Mike doesn't really like Angelina's master plan and tells Kara what's going down, then Kara and Alison wonder if they should blindside Mike because he's their only option. Tribal Council is theatric but less so because of Angelina. Alison acknowledges her spot as pretty much the only target, but throws out Mike's "clever game" and he calls her out and says there's a way to leave the game with a "shred of dignity." Oof. Alison plays her fake idol cause why not and it's declined, then Angelina plays her Hidden Immunity Idol with the level of hubris you'd expect (none). But it's unsuccessful because Kara and Alison don't give her any votes to allow her the satisfaction of successful idol play. Alison finally gets sent to the jury.

Nick wins immunity yet again, but this is the final Immunity Challenge of the season which guarantees him a spot at Final Tribal Council and lets him choose who joins him and who will be sent to a fire battle. Angelina, Mike, and Kara plead their cases to be taken to the end, but Nick announces the least surprising announcement ever: he's bringing Angelina to the end because she's clearly the easiest one to beat. Kara begins practicing her fire-making skills to show she deserves a spot at the end and could win, while Mike is full of nerves as he attempts to practice (eventually he succeeds). At Tribal Council, Nick talks about the weighty responsibility he holds from winning that final immunity challenge and explains he has the least probability to win against Kara and Mike, so he's taking a grateful Angelina. Mike and Kara take their seats at their fire-making stations and get to work. Mike gets a spark that takes off and he builds on it with a gleeful look as it burns the rope and sets his victory flag high. Kara has some successful fire attempts but ultimately can't get it to last and becomes the last member of the jury.

The final three bask in their final day glory: take in the sunset, making day 39 breakfast, and telling their tale of personal triumph and why they deserve to win. Well, it's time to convince the jury of that and as the final three take a seat on their stumps, the freshly cleaned jury is here to question them on their outwit, outplay, outlast on their different gameplay. Nick's explains his strong social game with named alliances, sharing idols/advantages, and winning challenges with his puzzle acumen. He also brings up his backstory of family with drug addiction and compares that to being the lowkey David that had to fight his way to the end. Mike's social game included working with anyone who had a final two deal with him and eliminating those who didn't want to work with him. He played hard and as one of the oldest and physically weakest Goliaths, he found his niche and made his way ahead in the game. He didn't play for the pot of gold at the end, but the rainbow and the fun and adventure of the game. Angelina bounced back after her Elizabeth-jury-pandering move and made connections with newer people. She brings up the rice yet again, and Davie points out by constantly talking about the rice it wasn't in fact the selfless act she claims to have done. Gabby gives Angelina props from Gabby for being last woman standing and women get treated differently in this game, which Angelina is thankful to hear and explains she had to dig deep to succeed at challenges/camp and eventually found an idol (which is a rare occurence for women in the game). Her theatrics are praised but also challenged, as it felt her fake idol was meant to humiliate Alison - which Angelina denies, but Nick nods yes. The jury gets a moment to think of their choice and then heads to vote.

Mike receives 3 votes to win, Angelina receives none, and with 7 votes Nick is crowned the Sole Survivor. At the reunion, Nick says now that he's won this show and money isn't his sole purpose in life, he intends to use his law degree to follow his passion to help those in need rather than chase a paycheck. Mike is similar in that he turned down a job to be on Survivor and have the adventure of a lifetime (besides 2 times on The Amazing Race). Angelina is proud of her game and being a strong woman, though admits maybe she didn't see in the moment how it came off to others (the rice, the "50 foot" ladder climb, Natalie's jacket). Speaking of Natalie, Probst pretty much shames her for her saying she got a bad edit. Probst is smitten with fan-favorite Christian whose analogy for playing Survivor is "first day of school" and you don't know what's going on, you might make new friends, and you can spread your wings. Also he and Gabby are still besties despite betrayal. Oh and Lyrsa has a tattoo of her famous teal jacket like a baller. All in all, this was one fantastic season and I enjoyed it all.

The evening ends with a preview of Survivor: Edge of Extinction where 14 newbies will take on 4 veterans. See you all in February for another season!

Now guys, not to get all Angelina on you here, but this is a BIG moment for me. I've been doing winner predictions since Survivor: Nicaragua and I've been wrong every season. 16 times I've chosen and while very close at times (Aubry, Woo, Sabrina, Chase, to name a few), I've never gotten it right... UNTIL NOW. Yes, 17th time is the charm and I finally got a Pre-Show Winner Prediction correct! And congratulations also to the 3 others who correctly predicted Nick would win this season: @jessicanfrey, @joshua_, and @sunnyjac0b (who BTW is one of the top winner predictors of all-time here).

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Idol Hour

2018-12-18T19:27:00.000-05:00

Week 12

Best friends are fun in the game... until the end. Nick fakes finding a Hidden Immunity Idols to throw others off the hunting scent, but his bestie Davie does find the latest idol via an advantage clue. The idol is good for one-night-only unless he plays a game to up its power, but a sign from god tells him not to try. This isn't Davie's only shining moment in the episode, as he wins the Reward Challenge and brings along Nick and Kara - much to the chagrin of a literally begging Angelina. On the reward, Davie suggests to Kara the idea of blindsiding Nick because he may have two idols in his possession.

But then Nick confides in Davie about his fake idol move and Davie wants to undo his plan. That seems to be OK with the Davids who plan to target physical threat Alison, but Mike White wins Individual Immunity and wants to make a bold move. He's very insistent (and correct) that Christian would easily win this entire game and they need to strike, but there's resistance to the idea. Mike uses any leverage he has to whip the votes in his favor and lets Nick know that Davie was ready to turn on him. Nick's pretty upset his buddy turned on him, not to mention while they were on a reward together, and wants to vote off Davie now. Can this group ever get on the same page? Nope, and that's why it's so good.

Tribal Council time! Probst asks if there's any change in the pace of the game, but of course, there's nonstop scrambling and flipping (great TV for us). Angelina points out the nature of Survivor is trust no one, yet to get to the end you have to trust people. Christian points out that he has to work with whoever is willing to work with him since pretty much everyone has tried to vote him out at some point (15 points, closet to beating the all-time record of 19). Davie and Alison both feel this is a season of voting blocks rather than alliances, with Mike piping in that each vote off is a new day and not a grudge-holding-vendetta. Well, some hold grudges as Nick tries to take a shot at Davie. BUT A-HA! Davie plays his one-night-only Hidden Immunity Idol to protect himself, so nice try Nick! Also, nice try at attempting to play a fake idol to get everyone's reactions, then mis-play your actual idol on yourself to avoid a possible blindside. It's a good call, but unfortunately, Nick wastes his idol when no votes are cast against him. Instead the votes come to finally vote out the most likable threat to win the game, Christian the master of slide puzzles and future Comptroller of Slamtown. He shall be missed but, honestly, does anyone think Christian isn't getting invited back to play 4 times?

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Family, Friends, and Betrayal

2018-12-10T18:58:00.002-05:00

Week 11

It's Survivor family visit time which gives loved ones a chance to see how smelly and emaciated their loved ones are and get probed by Probst with real softball questions. Competiting in partners, Angelina and Nick win a boat trip and grub with their parents and choose to bring Davie and his mom and Mike and his boyfriend along. The reward group agrees this is their ideal final four, but Davie feels like the outside given he's the only non-Jabeni member of the four.

Meanwhile back at camp, Gabby is tired of Christian getting credit for all the moves because he's lovable and wears glasses. She begins the campaign to target her BFF and has Alison and Kara to back her up; they just need two more. Well the good news is, Nick is pretty pissed that Christian was part of the Carl blindside and is ready for revenge. Kara beats out Christian for Immunity, which means the door is open for the attack. Only one problem: Christian has an idol. Nick and his group are down to attempt the Christian blindside, and suggest throwing a couple votes Gabby's way in case an idol is played. Pretty diabolical. But Davie doesn't love this move even if Christian burned them, so he tips Christian off that his BFF Gabby is coming for him and a scorned Nick is OK with it. Christian tries mending fences with Nick, but the damage is done in Nick's eyes.

Tribal Council time! Nick expresses feeling burned by the blindside at the last vote, and there's a discussion of the ramifications amongst the tribe and within relationships. Gabby is feeling much more confident and says going forward she's not going to need reassurance to make the moves she needs to make. Alison compares Probst to the Grim Reaper, and not because he beats a topic to death, but because she was nearly axed at the last vote and that big move to get out Carl saved her. Alison believes she is still a big target as is everyone, but Angelina is basically like nah the threats aren't equal and at this point, she's eliminating people who she doesn't see being with her until the end. Mike points out this is a game of deception, and while the tribe thinks maybe they can dupe Christian, it doesn't work. Maybe it's theatrics, maybe actual uneasiness, but Christian takes a minute to verbally ponder playing his Hidden Immunity Idol and goes through with it. All the votes against Christian are null and out comes an Alison vote. Gabby turns to apologize to the ally she expects to go, but it's a little premature because two votes come out of the turn that send Gabby off to the jury.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs Goliath: Don't Drink and Confide

2018-12-03T18:43:00.002-05:00

Week 10

Alec helps his reward challenge team come from behind and win a picnic, letters from home, and the physical anguish of puking and pooping from the overeating. It's a great distraction for Nick, who sneaks off to find the Hidden Immunity Idol he found a clue to the night before. At the next Immunity Challenge, Probst gives everyone to the opportunity to overindulge on nachos and margaritas, but most forgo immunity. Carl is starving (and loves a good, cold beer) so he opts out of the challenge, as do Angelina and Nick. Alec is very aware that he's the biggest physical threat left in the game so he needs this immunity and is confident he'll win. However, never underestimate Christian's willingness to hold on in an endurance challenge if it means he can converse with Jeff Probst about anything and everything in the universe. With Christian rocking the immunity necklace, Alec begins hustling to gain Christian's trust again and try to change his fate in the game because he's heartbroken to know he's likely ending up a unanimous vote-out. Alec's possible saving grace: Carl "The Godfather" who is calling all the shots, and also starting to irritate Gabby when he talks game plans in front of non-alliance members.

Tribal Council time! Probst kicks off the night asking about the almost-six-hour Immunity Challenge and Christian said he plays his hardest because he only has this one time (dude, you'll be invited back for the rest of time). Alec really wanted it but couldn't last as his body basically gave out on him. Alec brings up that it shows position in the game and character if you opt out of a challenge, and Carl reminds Alec that's he had literally no reward food and has been living on rice. Kara agrees with Alec that ultimately Carl felt safe enough to eat instead of guaranteeing safety, which gives Christian the chance to talk about calculated risks. Angelina agrees about the risks and uses this as leverage to talk about the Goliaths betraying her at the last vote. There's no risk-taking in this vote and the tribe unanimously votes Alec out. Who will become the next big target?

The second hour is all about "The Godfather" himself: Carl. Our man Carl finally gets to go on a reward meal and along with fried chicken and cheesecake - and there's beer! Carl loves his beer and it makes him a little loose and he tells Kara the plan is to vote off Alison (her ally) next. Back at camp, Gabby is tired of being bossed around by "The Godfather" and him getting all the credit for the moves her and Christian are making. Not to mention, she knows she's being pushed out of the David alliance in favor of them replacing her with Angelina. Gabby begins her scheming to blindside Carl with the help of the three remaining Goliaths, while Carl tells Christian the plan to vote off Alison but purposely exclude Gabby from the plan. Let the David battle begin.

But first, let's actually survive the game. The tribe is pretty much out of rice and they're probably going to starve so Angelina takes on the role of negotiator to get some rations out of Probst. Ultimately, they give up a lot of gear and Angelina sits out of the Immunity Challenge for the sake of sustenance (and winning jury votes with her selflessness and willingness to make big moves). Davie wins Individual Immunity and it's quite the night of challenge beast-ness for the self-described "blerd". The tribe arrives back to camp with their new ration of rice, and Carl hopes to celebrate with extra servings when they vote off Alison. Dude, what about rationing to last until the end are you not getting? Ultimately the swing vote between Carl and Alison is Mike, torn between voting off the bossy one around camp or the big physical threat. Mike uses his skills as an actor to play it cool while listening to all the arguments to vote a certain way.

Tribal Council time... again! Kara said last week's vote was essentially a sacrifice to try to work with the Davids and hopes this show of good faith by Kara and Alison will save them. Nick says camp is less chaotic now that the Davids are in control, and Angelina says camp is "jovial" but Tribal Council is the coliseum where they come to fight it out. There's also a lot of breakfast metaphors. Probst asks if the vote is as simple as picking off another Goliath and Mike says no, plus reward celebrations together help to build new bonds. Angelina brings up that the reason she made the negotiation move was because she's backed by strong allies that will stay by her side. Davie makes the best point that yes there are a couple plans for the night, but every person has their own plans to make it to the end. The move is made and David blood is drawn when Carl is eliminated from the game. I'd say pour one out for Carl but I don't think he'd want you to waste the beer.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Nullify and Blindside

2018-11-26T10:52:00.001-05:00

Week 9

Davie celebrates the massive blindside of John the Mayor of Slamtown by whipping out the jacket he now possesses, which in this jacket-obsessed season is the ultimate coup. The Davids correctly surmise that a played idol means a new idol is hidden, and eventually Christian finds that bad boy. While the Davids are bonded, the Goliaths are falling apart and looking to make big moves, while Mike is imploring the gang on a burger reward to just stick together. Dan is upset he misplayed his idol and lost a close ally, and his downer 'tude is making his Goliath pals consider maybe cutting him loose - even his flirtmance Kara, who confides to Alec and Alison that Dan has a second idol. Operation Goliath big move: blindside Dan.

Alec wins Immunity, leaving Dan vulnerable and open to the big plan. Kara and Alison approach Gabby and Nick with the plan to split the vote between Dan and Angelina and they're onboard with anything. But Alison quickly backtracks worried that the Davids are "too onboard" with the plan and it's this bigger move for the Davids to usurp the power. Umm, they're the minority alliance and you want to pick off a Goliath so methinks they'd be very onboard. Alison and Alec return to the original idea of simply voting off Christian again, and the Davids can seeing the Goliaths reconvening and changing their mind. Tired of getting screwed over again, the Davids share all their advantage and idol information, laugh at how much power they actually have, and put their heads together to seize control.

Tribal Council time! Alison says John's blindside was the wake-up call to finally play the game. Gabby said it wasn't joy she felt at John's blindside but relief that they felt the underdog position. Probst asks if it's back to David vs. Goliath and some Goliaths (Dan and Mike) express that it still is, while Gabby encourages the Goliath bottom-feeders to join the Davids for a move. There's discussion that basically then you're the bottom of both groups, but ever-the-optimist-Carl says the game is always changing. And boy does the game change at this vote. Nick plays his vote steal advantage and steals Alison's vote, allowing him to vote twice. The Goliaths are distraught and Dan whisper-asks Kara if he should play his idol for Alison (looks like Kara might have whispered "Play the idol on you"??). Dan opts to play his second Hidden Immunity Idol to cover his butt... except Carl plays his Idol Nullifier advantage and sends shockwaves through Tribal Council. The Idol Nullifer is played on Dan and all votes cast against him are valid. 3 votes for Christian, 2 votes for Angelina, and 6 wonderful David votes against Dan. Talk about amazing use of advantages. If people played them this well all the time, maybe I'd actually like them!

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Brochacho Blindside

2018-11-20T20:10:00.002-05:00

Week 8

The Goliaths are pretty much ready to sacrifice their numbers advantage to get rid of Angelina after catching her red-handed trying to manage the jury with the Elizabeth boot. The Davids get an even bigger opportunity to make this happen: they find an advantage! Yes there was a clue at the merge feast but no one noticed it, so it got re-hidden. Davie and Nick find the clue, Davie provides the dancing diversion, and Nick and Carl search around the palm tree until they find a steal-a-vote advantage. Carl opens up to his allies that he has the Idol Nullifier. And Davie, well he's still keeping his idol secret. But it's Advantageddon for the David tribe!

But their obstacle for surviving the game comes from an unlikely source: Mike. Despite being a part of the "Strike Force" cross-tribe alliance, he's beginning to fear a David-uprising against him and sees Christian's threat level from both a strategic and fan lovability level. Oh hey, remember when Angelina said this same point a couple days ago? Unlike the usual Survivor story-telling, this is not the moment Christian wins immunity to protect himself. Nope, two-idol Dan wins immunity and the plan becomes more concrete to blindside the slide puzzle master. Angelina is the decoy plan and she's freaking out it could go wrong. Alec doesn't love the plan to oust Christian as it will ruin the relationship he's established with Nick, so he tips Nick off. Nick takes that info along to warn the others what's happening and ponder using their new advantage to save a fellow David. Davie knows the advantage helps, but his secret idol would guarantee his safety. What's a guy to do?

Tribal Council time! Angelina hopes she's back in the Goliath's good graces and while the Davids think she's a good target, they know it's a numbers game. Mike hints that Davids were involved in Elizabeth's vote and likely tonight's vote. There's talk about trust and the relationships needed to establish genuine trust and allies. Threats are targets and Angelina basically says Christian is a threat for having relationships and they have a little back-and-forth. The tribe casts their votes and Probst touts out the urn and does his Immunity Idol speech. Davie gets up and plays his super secret Immunity Idol on a mind-boggled Christian. Angelina begins to freak out and begs Dan to play his idol on her. It's so reminiscent of the "Natalie, can I have your jacket?" incident and it's so glorious. This time, the request is answered and Dan plays his immunity idol on Angelina. 7 votes for Christian are null. 2 votes for Angelina are null. But surprise! The Davids outwitted them all and cast 3 votes to blindside John AKA the Mayor of Slamtown.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: It's a Merge Party

2018-11-12T19:32:00.001-05:00

Week 7

Pack up your bags and drop your buffs: it's merge time! Donning some beautiful sky blue buffs (a welcome reprieve from season after season of black merge buffs), the Davids and Goliaths come together for a wonderful merge feast. Laughs and gossip are shared (Alec orchestrated the blindside against a Goliath! Drunk Carl is tired of Elizabeth!), and the tribe is officially named Kalokalo, which Elizabeth Googled and found is the Fijian word for stars. As Alec perfectly explains, the merge is the big party and everything else before this point is pre-gaming. Let the real game begin!

Sure they're one big happy tribe, but the reunion of 7 Goliaths means constant reiteration of the term "Goliath Strong" with a plan to pick off the 6 remaining Davids. But Goliath Alec, once already a turncoat, is thinking past tribal lines and forms hybrid alliance of Davids (Gabby, Nick, Christian) and Goliaths (himself, Alison, Mike). The Davids are all fairly willing to sacrifice Elizabeth for the big picture, and that's good because she's on the top of Dan's shitlist. Elizabeth hears Dan and Kara whispering all night and starts talks to get rid of Dan, which gets back to him via Alec - the epicenter of this episode. Dan's mind is boggled that anyone would dare consider voting for him, despite being a brawny guy with a flirtmance and two idols.

The survivors compete in their first Individual Immunity Challenge and Alison succeeds is swinging her pendulum the longest, bringing her joyful tears and giving Probst a smelly hug. The Goliaths convene to make a decision who to target, and Angelina steamrolls the group with military terms she learned from her husband to blindside Christian. The other Goliaths are reluctant to follow Angelina's demands and Dan creates a mini insurgence to return the target back to Elizabeth. Angelina gets upset at her loss of control and in a moment of true emotion (or jury strategy), she tells Elizabeth she's getting voted out at Tribal Council. Elizabeth tells Gabby what went down and decides Tribal Council will be a great time to blow up Angelina's spot.

Tribal Council time! We learn there are many "factorials" in managing a post-merge game, a delightful moment of comedy via the Brochachos. Angelina voices that for this first merge vote, Goliath plans to stay together and this is Elizabeth's window to open. Or smash. Elizabeth insists there is a fracture in the Goliaths and tells everyone that Angelina spilled the beans earlier about the vote. Everyone assumes Angelina is already trying to set herself up nicely with jurors for her eventual Final Tribal Council speech. Gabby gets emotional (pretty on-brand for her) about Elizabeth defending herself for wanting to stay, and Angelina defends herself and apologizes for her emotional decision. Elizabeth has hopes maybe a couple Goliaths will see there's a fracture and swap over, but in fact no one makes the leap: Elizabeth is unanimously voted out and becomes this season's first juror.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs Goliath: Kebabs and Choices

2018-11-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

Week 6

With Mother Nature taking a few days off, all the drama this week is generated by human interactions. After a cutthroat move to blindside Angelina and get her jacket, the Jebani tribe doesn't trust Angelina. The Brochachos continue to bond and feed each other, with Christian the center of this David-becoming-a-Goliath storyline. Gabby is extremely nervous about her position in the tribe, so she pulls Alison aside to try to make inroads to protect herself. Vuku is the sole losing tribe of the ring toss for kebabs Reward Challenge, then have a spat at camp after Elizabeth tries to fix the bamboo on the shelter to help her bad back and snaps on her tribemates.

Jebani loses Immunity in an embarrassing fashion, totally unable to successfully carry a giant saucer of water without spilling. Mike has it in his head that all the Goliaths are mad they voted out Natalie and to keep himself safe he has to stay Goliath strong with the numbers. Lysra not willing to work with Angelina, and Angelina is surprised but c'mon, she wrote Lysra's name down to try and dupe Natalie into giving her a jacket. No one wants a 2-2 tie, so the secret partnership of Mike and Nick AKA the Rockstars hold the power.

Tribal Council time! Probst starts the night bringing up the bond this tribe of four has, despite being challenge flops. It's less about David and Goliath now and more about trust and loyalty. There's loose talk about following through on plans, but since everyone has plans they're just hoping the one they chose is the victorious path. Lyrsa stresses she's honest and loyal, but that's not enough: ultimately the tribe chooses to vote her out of the game.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Jackets and Eggs

2018-10-30T21:35:00.004-04:00

Week 5

Another massive storm hits Fiji, but this time the cyclone is so strong it requires everyone to be evacuated from the game for 24 hours. We haven't seen this happen since Millennials vs. Gen X and methinks maybe the tax break from Fiji isn't worth the hassle. The next day everyone returns to completely decimated camps but they're all alive, so that's a plus.

Vuku wins the grand prize of chickens in a Reward Challenge, which is a great way to form bonds after blindsiding one member of the tribe by voting out her bestie. Kara tries to make in-roads with everyone, but Elizabeth in particular feels like Alec would stay by her side while Kara would go back to the Goliaths. Over at Tika beach AKA Slamtown, Christian is inducted into the Brochachos with John and Dan. Dan continues his Immunity Idol dominance by finding another clue for an idol, hidden at the next challenge (which he successfully retrieves).

But this week's episode is all about Natalie Napalm and her impact on the Jabeni tribe. After the tribe wins a dozen eggs at the Reward Challenge, Natalie irritates the tribe with her insistence to cook all the eggs now. Culinary school graduate Lyrsa tries to make her point, but this is Natalie's camp and you're all living there. Natalie seems in a pretty good spot with the Goliath majority, so when Jabeni narrowly loses immunity in a very cool snake-ball-balancing-game it seems like a David will go. To really put a cherry on top of this debacle, Angelina mentions she wants Lyrsa's jacket (she's freezing) and Natalie uses this as a "negotiation tactic" to try to sorta blackmail Nick or Lyrsa. This is the biggest fight over a jacket since Grease 2. But Goliath Mike is pretty tired of his whole Survivor experience being Adventures in Babysitting Natalie and would like to flip.

Tribal Council time! Angelina talks about the importance of keeping the Goliath numbers with a merge impending. Despite being the epicenter of pretty much all drama this season, Natalie insists back home she's laid back and drama-free. Talk turns to the eggs and the jackets, so Angelina defends Natalie a bit about the jacket plan. Natalie interjects a lot which throws Probst for a loop, which gives him the epiphany that Natalie has to have the last word. The tribe votes out Natalie in a 3-2 vote, and while Natalie doesn't have the last word she has one last laugh: as Angelina begs Natalie for her jacket, Natalie gets her torch snuffed and leaves the game with her beautiful, warm jacket in tow.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs. Goliath: Charmpocalypse

2018-10-22T20:02:00.004-04:00

Week 4

The David and Goliath tribes come together and Jeff Probst's big news is pre-empted by Bi choosing to quit the game due to her injured MCL. With Bi out, Probst can move along to his announcement: drop your buffs! The tribes are divided into three new tribes, all with Goliath majorities. Odd-man-out Carl destined for a couple of days on Exile Island until he joins the losing tribe. But cry not for Carl as he finds a secret advantage during his exile: an Idol Nullifier, which can block the use of an idol by another player.

Kara, Natalie, Alec, Davie, and Elizabeth make up the new Vuku (orange tribe), and Elizabeth works to bond with Kara quickly (both love horses!). Natalie is at the forefront of the new Jebani tribe (purple), as Nick and Lyrsa get to see what Angelina and Mike have lived with since day one. The Tiva tribe (green) has to start completely from scratch and bond while building their new shelter. Mots importantly, Christian gets to ask John all about Slamtown and it's as magical as you dreamt it could be.

The first Immunity Challenge as the new tribes is a blindfolded maze and puzzle challenge. It's a pretty close race, but Vuku loses and has to face their first shuffled Tribal Council. Given the 3-2 count in favor of the Goliaths, things look grim for Davie and Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to vote out Natalia and tries to get Alec on her side, but both Elizabeth and Davie are willing to write each other's name down to save themselves. But the Goliaths aren't us united, as Natalia's demanding ways appears to be rubbing Alec the wrong way. However, if Alec flips his vote then the Davids have the majority when Carl joins the tribe. Is it time for a true David defeating Goliath moment?

Tribal Council time! Carl gets to watch from the sidelines to hear the dynamics of his future tribemates. Probst asks if it was obviously an easy vote, and Natalia says yes. Elizabeth hopes she'll be kept around for her character, while Davie is already saying Elizabeth is an end-game threat that needs to go. Elizabeth isn't too mad and she's willing to go out in a blaze of glory if need be, encouraging resume building. Then Alec gets up to whisper to Elizabeth, dropping the tribe's jaws. Natalia can't believe it, while Kara still is trusting Alec who whispers her some sort of plan. Well, it wasn't the right one as Alec, Davie, and Elizabeth blindside a furious Natalia out of the game.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs Goliath: All About Natalie

2018-10-15T19:30:00.002-04:00

Week 3

The blindsided members of the David tribe take Jessica's elimination hard, while Nick and Christian excitedly celebrate and find a way to pin the blindside on Gabby. Gabby is potentially the next target of the tribe, which would be sad for her as her and Christian have big dreams about meeting the Mayor of Slamtown, John. John over on the Goliath tribe is having a real learning moment on the island as he discovers a nice side to him that enjoys building relationships. In particular, he likes working with Natalie but knows it'll take a lot of work to safe her. Well good news for him, because Jeremy starts painting his own target pretty big. He bickers with Natalie, gets paranoid about game talk, and outs Dan's idol to anyone who will listen.

The rain of Fiji doesn't like to take a day off and drenches the survivors in their obstacle course/puzzle immunity challenge. Bi injures her knee at some point, but the David tribe is able to ace the four-piece pyramid puzzle and finally evade Tribal Council. Natalie blew the puzzle and is difficult to live with, but Jeremy's social game and desire to scheme makes him Angelina's prime target. Her alliance isn't as sure and wants to keep their tribe strong, but also everyone is really tired of Jeremy and Natalie's bickering.

Rainy Tribal Council time! Probst asks about the harsh weather conditions, which is usually a way to make idle small talk but in this season the rain is its own character - sort of like the city of New York in any movie. Tribal Council eventually becomes a Natalie pile-on about her behavior around camp, but she says she's open to constructive criticism. It's a pretty good ruse of a venting session as the Goliath tribe unites to vote Jeremy out of the game.

[All images credited to CBS]

Survivor David vs Goliath: No Exhilaration Without Risk

2018-10-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

Week 2

The weather is completely miserable, so bad that the tribes are gifted fire making kits and temporary tarps to withstand the cyclone. When the weather does calm down a bit, the game is most definitely on.

After a close-call with being the main target on the David tribe, Nick and Christian solidify a partnership as the "Mason Dixon" alliance. Davie finds the Hidden Immunity Idol after noticing a tree with a bright orange string. Carl throws out Lyrsa's name as weakest on the tribe to sacrifice if they lose, and she's pretty pissed. Over on Goliath beach, Dan's game is getting sloppy. Jeremy finds the idol in Dan's hanging laundry, and everyone is very aware he's smitten with Kara. Angelina, Kara, and Natalia make a girls alliance and plan to drag along three other guys to get the majority. But Natalie's target is only getting bigger with her strong personality and lack of self awareness that others aren't liking her vibe.

The Goliath tribe completely dominates the Immunity Challenge that requires paddling a boat, then very delicately balancing and assembling a puzzle. While the Davids got to avoid voting their first time around, the game has officially gotten real. Jessica, Bi, and Carl intend to vote our Lyrsa for being weak, but Gabby is concerned is strength is a priority then she could also be a target. Elizabeth and Lyrsa flip all the plans around and choose to target Jessica, to knock out two different pairings with Bi and Carl. Gabby awkwardly asks Christian if he wants to play with her ("In the sand?"), but really she wants Christian to vote on her side. Mason Dixon are the deciding votes this week, and I guess naming your alliance after a line would lead to something like this at some point.

Tribal Council Time! The tribe addresses the horrendous weather they'd endured in such a short span of time, while also developing bonds. Lyrsa vocalizes she knows she's been dubbed the weakest link and is on the chopping block. Jessica says if you want to play the game until Tribal Council, then that's too late. Gabby's polite about it but is basically like uhhh, we're all playing girl. Everyone agrees they have a play tonight which means someone, or some group, isn't fully in the know. Nerves are high, and it all comes to a head in a big ol' blindside when Jessica is voted out of the game.

[All images credited to CBS]