Mel Got Served

Reality Rundown: Stop Using Canned Ingredients, K Guys?

2012-02-12T12:04:00.001-05:00

The Biggest Loser - Adrian puts his foot in his mouth again by telling the black team that he didn't vote for Nancy. Bickering ensues again and Cassandra has no time to cry about her grandmother. Mark feels Adrian possibly threw the weigh-in to have bigger numbers this week when he isn't immune again. This show was once about changing lives. No it's about a house of assholes. It's like an MTV Challenge but fatter.

Speaking of challenges, this week's is to hold onto a rope to keep their trainer out of the water. The team that loses the challenge won't have their trainer for the whole week. Neither trainer is happy to be in the dunk position, especially Bob the height-phobe. Despite the red team being packed with men, Bob's black team wins the challenge. Dolvett sorta gets the week off; he's not in the gym but instead gets to watch them on hidden cameras all week. Well I guess it's not hidden when you're on a reality show. And then black team works out a lot, sympathizes with the newbie, and then gets some restaurant menu tips. The only good part of this episode is when Dolvett whips out a piece of paper called "The Conda List" which describes all her complaints about Adrian and everything in general. She is horrible.

At the weigh-in, the Red team loses 2.73%. These are good numbers and moreso impressive when you remember they did this work on their own this week with merely a last chance workout with Dolvett. It looks like the black team is going to lose but nope, they don't (3.16%). It would seem like Adrian is the easy target. The votes are split between Adrian and Mark (who some say could complete the journey at home). After too many excuses, Adrian is eliminated, pissed, and asks everyone not to hug his sister. Ok, bye.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants enter the kitchen to find five dome covers and since there's four chefs, that means the winner of Last Chance Kitchen is joining the gang. That winning chef is... Bev. Cue the fucks and bitterness. Onto the domes, the Quickfire is to raid the pantry while wearing a blindfold and then use all those items to make a dish (don't worry, they don't have to cook blindfolded). The winner of the Quickfire has a choice of prizes: a new car or an automatic spot into the final round. Sarah wins the Quickfire with a corn soup; Sarah chooses the automatic spot in the finals, the biggest duh prize ever.

Padma and Tom brings the final five's mentors into the kitchen, leading to everyone sobbing about how inspirational their mentors are. They are of course here for the Elimination Challenge which is a dish to impress their mentors. The winner gets that leftover Prius and Sarah, now automatically in the finals, doesn't have to compete and can instead chill with her mentor.

Beverly's dish is gulf shrimp and BBQ pork singapore noodles. She is praised for cooking with her heart and using a wok to cook for so many people. Lindsay makes a seafood stew over toasted couscous and a broth with emulsified cream (Lindsay regrets the cream). The judges don't get the cream either but the seafood is cooked perfectly. Paul serves a chilled sunchoke and dashi soup with summer vegetables. I'm wondering WTF sunchoke is, but that's a Googling for another time. He's commended for his balance of flavor since initially there was hesitation it might be too salty. Ed finishes off the meals with braised pork belly and smoked oyster crema with pickled vegetables. Tom notes he didn't care for this kind of oyster and we the viewers know Ed has to settle for a pre-packaged smoked oyster and not fresh so we all know how using pre-cooked/packaged items usually means.

At Judging Panel, Beverly and Paul are the favorite dishes of the week; they are both in the finals. Paul is chosen as overall winner so he gets Prius. The judges really enjoyed Lindsay's dish but didn't care for the cream or the dried herbs. Ed's oyster sauce is what killed the dish and the lack of fresh oysters is, of course, frowned upon. In sad news, one of the only chefs I liked on this horrible season is sent packing: Ed. Booo.

Reality Rundown: Ben Hates Scrapbooking

2012-02-07T17:30:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 6

Panama! Pa-na-ma-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Oh, excuse the Van Halen but me blog singing is probably a zillion times more interesting than Ben. The girls are excited because everyone gets dates this week except, ut oh, the dreaded 2-on-1 Thunderdome date is this week. Yesssss!

The first date of the evening is Ben's second one-on-one date with Kacie B and they travel via HELICOPTER! Be still my heart. It's like they are trying to woo me to audition for this show with champagne wishes and helicopter dreams. The helicopter drops them off on a deserted island where Kacie reveals the three items she brought along: a monkey (toy, not real), pocket knife, and a bag of candy. I like Kacie B already. This is hardly a date and more like a moron's version of Survivor. The survivin' is just daytime hinjinx and head off for a romantic dinner together. Talk gets serious when Kacie admits she used to have an eating disorder. Ben gives Kacie the rose and then they kiss in the middle of the street. Have you idiots never seen Final Destination?

Ben picks the ladies up in some long-ass boat and pretends to be the worst tour guide ever. Wait sorry, he is not acting. He's just that bad. They dock the boat on the river by a bunch of little kids playing soccer in loin clothes and I am pretty sure a different Chris is going to greet them here. The local women bring the girls into huts to put them into some traditional tribal garb which are some sort of bra tops over their bikinis. Courtney decides to be "one with nature" and lost the bikini under hers to show some nip action. The kids are lovin' this exotic nippled American skank. Ben shows up in a royal blue loin cloth and I'm not kidding, at first I thought the short stout Panamanian man with him was Ben. You can see my thoughts on Ben at this point. Then they paint temporary tattoos on themselves and I hope someone either uses hobo code or puts something hateful on Courtney. Courtney is a Ben-hog (it's like an Annhog but worst) and no other girls seem to make a real effort to get some tribal time.

After the rainy day in the wild, Ben and the ladies clean up for a hotel poolside cocktail party (I don't think they are on a roof sadly). It's all a fucking waste because Ben might claim he cares about the other women but he just wants to shtup Courtney. Some chick Jamie who I honestly did not know was on this show until last week decides to get ballsy and wants to just plant a kiss on Ben. Ben kinda doesn't care because he's distracted by Courtney swimming alone in the pool by them. In fact it's fun to watch him painfully try to not check out Courtney in the pool; like his brain hurts from telling himself, pretend Jamie is interesting and don't check out Courtney's bikini. Jamie doesn't get a kiss. Emily and Ben have a nice chat and a kiss since she doesn't talk shit on Courtney the whole time. Emily apologizes for her "rash judgement." Courtney doesn't respect her and gets all pissy again. Lather, rinse, repeat, STFU. Lindzi the horse girl gets the group date rose to reaffirm the feelings Ben is having for her. Courtney is upset she didn't get the rose so she extends Ben an invite to her room. We get some sob story about guys liking her a first then losing interest like we're supposed to like her. Guess what? Ben doesn't show and no one in America feels a bit of sympathy.

Blakeley is ecstatic she'll get the 2-on-1 date because it means only competing with one other person, clearly not understanding that she is the obvious dumpee. Rachel, who you may recall from the dullest date this season but got a rose for being hot, is not as confident. Ben takes the two women Latin dancing to find some chemistry which I think means dancing boner. I think the dance instructor is more likely to get a rose than these two bums. Blakeley won't give up her time and uses her sexuality to seduce the prince of the Bachelor duds (the king is either Jake or Brad- I haven't officially named a full royal court). Horrible dancing gives the trio an appetite so they head off to an awkward dinner threesome. Each girl gets alone time with Ben and Rachel lays it on the line and gets some kissin', a good sign. Blakeley said she "feels it" and thinks a one-on-one would've validated Ben's feelings for her. To show how much she cares, Blakeley breaks out her opposite-of-burn-book where she wrote (actually, cut out words from magazines) all her feelings about Ben. Ben hates scrapbooking and dumps Blakeley, giving Rachel the rose.

Time for the scandal of the season featuring some girl with about 10 total minutes of screentime the entire season. Chris Harrison and his accordion hand gestures asks to speak to Casey S in private. Ew she walks around the hotel hallways barefoot? C'mon, gross. Chris lets Casey know that it was brought to his attention (which means the producers have known since the beginning but kept it as an ace in the pocket) that she is in love with someone else: her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend at home. Michael, the boyfriend, told the show they aren't broken up and are still in a relationship. Casey denies it and explains like he didn't want to marry her and she wants a guy who will treat her better and marry her (sorry hun, Ben ain't marrying anyone here). Chris brings Casey to Ben and he's surprised to see her (good thing there was a camera crew in the room with him to catch this surprised reaction!). Casey tells Ben she wanted to get over her ex, hasn't, Ben thinks other girls who did like him got the shaft in her favor, and Ben asks Casey to go home. In a minivan after a long ugly cry. Ben pulls a half-Mesnick (leaning over a railing thinking hard but without the sobbing) pondering existence or what size Courtney's boobs are.

Everyone uses the cocktail party to make sure Ben knows they aren't rebounding from marriage-phobes back home. "I'm honest!" says everyone. Jamie wants to be noticed by Ben and show him she can please him too. How does she do this? Straddle Ben and kiss him. This is... awkward. After 10 minutes of Ben getting a boner from Jamie, the show mercifully gives us a commercial break and then the rose ceremony. Jamie looks like an even bigger fool when she doesn't get the rose. Humiliating indeed.

The Amazing Race 20 Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2012-02-06T09:39:00.007-05:00

Whoa- it's the 20th season of The Amazing Race? That's pretty amazing. I commend the show for lasting this long but truth be told, I'm not totally excited (starts Sunday, February 12th at 8pm EST). While I think the cast isn't terrible, none seem like incredible racers. The show itself is static and stale and I want to be optimistic and excited for the new season but I just know the race will be the same shizz as usual. But I'll at least try to invest myself by making my usual pre-show winner prediction.

MELISSA PREDICTS....

Nary and Jamie will win The Amazing Race 20

I was seriously close to picking sisters Misa and Maiya only because I loved their different take on the generic team photo. I actually think they could do well too but I felt their ages may be an eventual hindrance (do the young'ns ever win?) I know Brendon and Rachel of Big Brother will be tough competition and I expect a lot of people to predict their victory, but I think butting heads might be their downfall. While they were never even a consideration for me, I give a shout-out to Joey and Danny for best how they met backstory: in a Jersey Shore club dance battle. But in the end, I decided to pick Nary and Jamie, the federal agents, as my predicted winners. I think based on their occupation they should be physically tough and smart. They seem level headed and not like Bickersons and they aren't too old or too young. I also feel like a woman team has a high possibly of winning this season.

Who do you think will win The Amazing Race? Leave your prediction in the comments. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.

Photo Credit: CBS

Reality Rundown: Pancakes for Peewee

2012-02-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - After voting out that rando lady last week, the night continues with the two teams meeting Alison in the gym. Alison brings in the brother/sister aqua team, Adrian and Daphne, that didn't make it on campus but worked out at home for a chance to return a month later. Together, the aqua team needs to lose 50lbs to re-enter the game. Daphne gets on the scale and loses 26lbs; her brother Adrian loses 34lbs. Both siblings want to train with Bob and rock-paper-scissors to choose the trainer because they didn't want to debate. Daphne ends up on Bob's black team, Adrian to red, and both of them have immunity this week. Welcome to the ranch. Prepare for the wrath of this group of a-holes and by that I mean Dolvett's team of miserable shitheads.

I wish the red team weren't such turds because Adrian's backstory (his child was born pre-mature and died, which led to him gaining weight) in heartbreaking and he needs this experience. Adrian and Daphne are thrust into the true Biggest Loser workouts and as painful they may be, they are happy to be on the ranch but worry about their outsider position. Cue the red team talking shit about Adrian in the kitchen, saying Adrian has said things that tick them off. My guess is that it's because Conda and Kim are nasty bitches.

The teams are escorted in vans to the beach for a challenge. The challenge is to bounce medicine balls off a trampoline to the other side of a wall which then goes into a team bin; the balls and different points and the team that makes 100pts first wins. The winning team gets to pick one player from each team whose weight will not count at the weigh-in. Not only are medicine balls hard to bounce, but running back and forth in the sand is exhausting. The red team wins the challenge but not all is well. Back at the ranch, there's a team meeting about certain people being assholes. It's so dramatic that Dolvett gets involved.

At the weigh-in, the red team decides Megan from the black team and Nancy of the red team will sit out of the weigh-in. Megan has a big week (9lbs) so the red team chose wisely; red's Nancy doesn't drop big numbers but gets below the 200lb mark. New-to-campus Daphne is a huge disappointment with only 1lb lost; the black team is not pleased. It's a mediocre night for the black team with team loss of 1.72%. Adrian's first impression on campus is only a 2lb loss, which is bad since he's a big dude too. Adrian and his sister insist that the change in diet affected their weight loss. The red team must lose 32lbs to defeat the black team and it comes down to big mouth Conda; her 2lbs fails the team.

Adrian is immune, much to some of his team's chagrin, and Kim has the highest weight loss so she's safe too. In the team talk, Adrian tries to apologize but he's accused of playing the game (throwing the weigh-in). I guess in case they want to torture Adrian (AND ME) they keep Conda around and vote out Nancy. Adrian wins himself no fans when he claims voting Nancy out is "playing the game" (no, that's what your Mark vote is) and the team is offended because they've bonded with Nancy and are sad to vote her out. Nancy interjects and tells him he's ruining the moment.

Top Chef: Texas - In the kitchen are tons of stacks of pancakes- it's like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. Into the kitchen rides Pee Wee Herman on a bicycle, tooting the horn; he is the judge. The cheftestants have twenty minutes to make an inventive pancake. Sarah immediately wins me over when she makes funfetti pancakes because that's what I shouted when Padma told them to get creative. The winner of the Quickfire (and $5k) is Ed for making the best pancake Peewee's ever had which is pancake bits with fruit and bruleed marshmallows. I want to eat it.

The Elimination Challenge is to make a family style lunch for Peewee and the judges. Easy right? No twist galore: they'll be give a bike, a map to the Alamo and money and they need to buy food and find a kitchen to cook in on their own. So you can't just have them chill in a normal kitchen and make some sort of childish, delightful food? No, ok, let's let this dumb bike thing happen. It's pretty awkward seeing them begging random restaurant owners to use their kitchens. Conflict arises when Lindsay finds a kitchen, leaves to get more food, and comes back to see that Sarah has claimed that kitchen.

Sarah makes a summer vegetable egg salad and the judges think the eggs were perfectly cooked, though a little under-seasoned. Lindsay makes a stuffed zuccini and there may be too much goat cheese. Ed make grits and gravy but the chicken has a weird, almost undercooked texture. Grayson makes chicken stuffed with spinach and egg yolk but the fresh salad stuff doesn't work. Paul's red curry gastrique is good with a combination of heat and sweet on the roasted chicken. Lindsay wins the challenge, with Paul close behind her. Packing up the knives this week is Grayson because her portion was gigantic and her butternut squash and tomato combo doesn't go. The final four cheers but Padma calls them back to the judge's table to announce that someone is returning by being the victor of Last Chance Kitchen aka Redemption Island. So who is back next week: Beverly or Grayson? Don't know, don't care!

Survivor: One World Pre-Show Winner Prediction

2012-02-02T19:50:00.006-05:00

Survivor: One World is starting in two weeks (February 15, 8pm EST on CBS) and I cannot wait. I think the twist of both tribes living on the same beach is the perfect twist and change on the game (far supreme to the awful Redemption Island). Dynamics are going to be interesting and everyone will be looking over their should. The teams are split into men vs. women to start with but being on one beach, I expect a lot of cross-tribe alliance right away. That being said, the cast this year was hard to read in videos. I spend a lot of time over-analyzing the CBS.com videos and bios and watched the TV Guide preview special. I narrowed it down to two candidates and decided much like last season's pre-show winner prediction victor Phil, I'm going for a ballsy pic.

MELISSA PREDICTS....

SABRINA will win Survivor: One World

I spend a redonk amount of time overthinking this year. I realized my initial gut idea, Matt, was the same player I always pick: a strong, good looking, charismatic male. The problem is, we're not in the age of Colby anymore and the alpha males don't win. So I decided to think outside the box and go with someone I felt was strong, could make good personal connections, and still play the game. I was torn a little between Sabrina and Kim. Kim I thought might work because she's outdoorsy and could socialize, then I realized she seemed to have no planned strategy going into the game. Obviously strategies change but to not have a game plan seemed stupid. Sabrina's video caught me right away. I see her as a person I'd want to hang out with on the beach and others would too. She looks like she'll be strong in challenges and I'm thinking will be smart enough to form alliances with the opposite tribe to protect her down the line. Now let's just hope Sabrina wins, or at least lasts a long time. But if you're going early Sabrina, at least get out week 3. Week 3, bitches!

Who do you think will win Survivor: One World? Leave your prediction in the comments or tweet me @melgotserved. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.

Photo Credit: CBS

Reality Rundown: The One Where Ben Dresses Like the Old Man in Jurassic Park

2012-01-31T17:46:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 5

Next stop in the Ben-wants-to-get-laid-televised-event is Puerto Rico (Whore-to Rico?). Everyone gets a date this week so no one can bitch and whine: one group date, two one-on-one dates.

The first date card is in Spanish and it tells Nicki she'll find a new love in old San Juan. I hope "new love" in removing that neon yellow nail polish. I'm a polish aficionado and that color is horrible. Her nail polish is almost as vibrant as her multi-color dress. I love color too but damn girl, simmer. But after all my shitting on Nicki, IT'S A HELICOPTER DATE!!! Nicki is excited to be with Ben and do things she's never done before... like each snow cones. The outside walking date is a rain-out so they dash around the streets barefoot until the rain stops. Because they are soaked, they stop in a store to buy the most authentic duds. This means Ben dresses as a Puerto Rican guy from 1967 or John Hammond of Jurassic Park. They sit outside a church where a wedding is happening, gawk, and talk about wedding shit. Or second wedding shit cause Nicki is divorced. Later they dine in the rainforest and talk about Nicki's marriage and how it ended. Ben feels a connection with Nicki and gives her a rose and some kissin'.

On his second Puerto Rican excursion, Ben and his harem go to the Roberto Clemente Stadium for a "diamonds are a girl's best friend" date. Cue the dunces being bummed that it doesn't involve free jewelry. Many of the girls are quite athletic, though it's no A League of their Own. Chris Harrison shows up with a megaphone and has trade hand motions of just opening and closing his arms. The date will only continue this evening for the team that wins the baseball game. Because there are nine girls, one girl gets to be on both teams and is guaranteed to get to be on the date later; Ben chooses Lindzi. There's a lot of runs scored because 1. Ben's a sucky pitcher and 2. the ladies can't field. The red team (Kacie, Jamie, Courtney, Casey S, and Lindzi) win the game and an evening with Ben. Blakeley is a sore loser and bitches at her team for blowing chances. The girls cry the whole bus ride home and it's fantastic.

A HELICOPTER!!!!! lands in the baseball field parking lot to bring the ladies to the romantic night date. There's a couch and bonfire on the beach and of course some booze. Everyone gets their Ben one-on-one time on the date and Courtney is beginning to notice Ben has feelings for some other girls. Ben and Kacie B have a really nice conversation where he confides the women he's loved have never loved him back. It's very nice and Ben takes her aside another time to give her the rose. I will agree with heinous bitch Courtney on one thing: Kacie B does seem much younger than the rest. Courtney grabs Ben for alone time as soon as he returns from rose-giving. Courtney just wants a bottle of wine and some skinny dipping, giving Ben an immediate semi and something to ponder.

Elyse gets the one-on-one date after kvetching to the group that she's only had one group date the entire time and no other Ben time. Elyse's date to find love "somewhere private" is actually a private mega-yacht which all the girls see and get totally jeal of. This is a make-it-or-break it date since Ben and Elyse's relationship is the slowest grower of them all but he thinks maybe the magic of the sea can help. I can't focus on anything Elyse says because I am transfixed at the dinghy being dragged behind the boat for when Elyse probably gets dumped. Aw boo, she makes it past the boat date for a night dinner date. Dinner is mad awkward and Elyse talks about honesty so Ben decides to be honest. Ben grabs the rose and talks about missed connections, but admits he didn't find what he was looking for today and dumps her. Ben walks Elyse to her dinghy of shame (it's actually a different one than the behind-the-boat dragger). I'm assuming this boat will bring Elyse sobbing back to America, Elian Gonzalez style.

Courtney is so pleased that Ben listens to her (?) and dumped Elyse that she makes good on her promise to Ben. Still in his tux from dumping Elyse, Courtney brings some wine to Ben's room wearing only her robe. They sip wine in his room but Courtney hints they should go to the beach to you know, bare each their privates and get all up in the salt water. Ben's head says no but... well you know the rest. There's an option to go undies but nah, they go full nude, hop in the ocean, and kissing and rub all over each other. This is the closest we'll get to seeing actual sex on this show. The other girls will not be pleased.

Ben feels like a total skeeze the next night after what he did with Courtney considering he's still dating nine other women. Blakelely uses her alone time to pour her soul out to Ben, talking about some list she makes each day of something new she likes about Ben. Her speech may have saved her from getting dumped. As Ben chats up the girls, Courtney brings up skinny dipping and they all talk about how freeing it is; Courtney smugly agrees and chimes in that it's great to skinnydip with someone you care about. She even says she'd love to skinnydip in the Puerto Rico moonlight. Dumb girls. Emily uses her alone time to apologize for using her time last week to ramble about Courtney... then does it all over again. Emily done fucked up again.

The tropical colors of all the dresses at the rose ceremony almost breaks my HD. One girl is getting dumped since Ben already shipped Elyse off on a dinghy. I'm pretty shocked when Ben dumps "best kisser" Jennifer, the redhead, gets dumped. I know the main spoilers this season since I read Reality Steve, but I don't really know the week-by-week. Ya got me there! I thought wouldn't-STFU-about-Courtney Emily would get dumped.

Next week: the other Casey cries a lot after being around Chris Harrison. I completely understand.

Honey Nut Cheerios signed by Michael K. Williams AKA Omar Little

2012-01-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

The Wire is hands down the greatest drama series that has ever aired on TV. Yup, I said it- sorry, Lost. A fascinating look at the cops, criminals, politicians, and citizens of Baltimore, The Wire had intricate plot lines, humor, crime, sadness, and some of the best characters and actors. One of the best characters ever: Omar Little, portrayed by Michael K. Williams.

Omar was like the Robin Hood of Baltimore, robbing only the criminals of the city involved in "the game." Omar lived by a strict moral code (no crime on Sundays, it's church day!), doesn't swear, and defies all gangsta stereotypes by being gay. But what I remember Omar most for was his love for Honey Nut Cheerios. If you had cereal and it wasn't Honey Nut, Omar was on his way to the store to get it.

I had always told people my dream was to get a both of Honey Nut Cheerios signed by Michael K. Williams because it would be beyond awesome. And then it happened.

Thanks for the magic of Twitter, Michael K. Williams and Martin Morse helped make that autograph dream come true. I actually tweeted indirectly about my autograph dream once maybe a year ago (how did I not save that!) and Michael saw that tweet and told me to send it. I wasn't sure where to send it, but I was on a mission. Thankfully I tweeted again and Michael put me in touch with Martin. I have no words for how amazing this autograph and how much it means to me, a lover of The Wire, Omar Little, and the acting talents of Michael K. Williams.

To Melissa
A woman's gotta have a code.
Michael K. Williams
Omar
The Wire

Reality Rundown: Chicken Salad IS Really Boring

2012-01-29T15:33:00.000-05:00

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - One hour episode - yessssss. Thank you Mr. President!

The episode kicks off right away with news that Buddy went home for a few days since his wife gave birth; he'll still weigh in. The losers are all gathered together though for a challenge where only the winning team gets to use the gym this week. The challenge is an obstacle course where the teams use a battering ram to knock down doors that are answers to trivia questions. The challenge is beyond boring to watch but the red team wins so Dolvett gets to use the gym. I'm sure Bob will get all pissy.

After the challenge, Santa's wife Chris is crying in the bathroom that she hates it here and wants to quit. Ugh, another quitter? Then don't apply for the show. Bob has to play therapist to try to convince her to stay. Tears and whining ensue but there's no quitting and instead lots of outdoor workouts. On the other hand, Dolvett's team is a bunch of assholes still, particularly Conda, mouthing off constantly. Dolvett puts her in check so Conda comes back with her tail between her legs.

Weigh-in. Buddy returns from the birth of his son. The black team loses 52lbs (2.72%), with everyone doing well except Megan who makes such a weird stank face at her 2lb loss. It's also a decent weight loss considering they didn't have access to fancy gym equipment. The red team is so close to beating black and the producers wisely choose giant turd Conda to be the last to weigh-in and thus get some blame should the red team fail. Conda, however, doesn't fail and loses 10lbs. So Bob's black team has to vote someone off. I assumed Chris, the woman who expressed wanting to quit, would be eliminated by some other older chick Gail gets the boot.

Top Chef: Texas - Cat Cora, who has a new Bravo show coming up, is in the Quickfire kitchen with Padma and Emeril. Padma splits the six into three teams: Grayson/Chris, Paul/Ed, and Lindsay/Sarah. The Quickfire is to test technical precision against the clock which is peeling and deveining shrimp, shucking corn, making fettucini and then with the time left making a dish together. Paul forgets to put the shrimp on the plate, which DQs him and Ed. Grayson and Chris are the winners of the $10,000 prize, despite what appeared to be a bumpy time getting their items prepped.

Elimination challenge: each pair has to compete against each other and create the same dish for a block party for 200 people. Chris/Grayson chose chicken salad and a watermelon salad, Ed/Paul pick Korean BBQ with pickled vegetables, and Sarah/Lindsay do meatballs and vegetable salad. The pairs then learn that they have to actually make healthy versions of their dishes in the most heavy-handed Healthy Choice product placement ever.

Paul makes a turkey kalbi with eggplant and white peach kimchi; Ed makes open face kalbi with kimchi chipotle puree and some pickled shizz. Grayson serves a chicken salad sandwich with arugula on a whole wheat bun, with little mayo; Chris' chicken salad has no mayo and rather a tofu emulsification. Sarah has Calabrese style turkey meatballs made with whole wheat bread; Lindsay goes for a Mediterranean meatball with lamb, veal, and greek yogurt.

Grayson, Paul and Lindsay are called to the judges' table first; they are the winning dishes from the block party based on attendee votes. Grayson is given props for making each sandwich to order, but chastise her for choosing something as lame as chicken salad. Grayson gets really defensive and pissed that a meatball is more exciting than chicken salad. Uh yeah, it is. They love Paul's hot sauce and his use of ground turkey. Lindsay's meatballs had great seasoning. Paul wins another elimination challenge and receives $15,000. Paul, Chris, and Sarah are brought in for their bottom three berating. The use of bread is empty calories and removing the fat from short ribs takes off the good stuff. Chris is commended for healthy choices but since the sandwiches were pre-made, it was all dried out. Sarah's meatballs need less cheese, more fat and the salad didn't have a consistency throughout; but it was moreso a loss because Lindsay's was just better. Chris is eliminated.

Reality Rundown: Go Fish

2012-01-25T17:48:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 4

Ben and the women head to Park City, Utah which seems like the ideal place for polygamous dating to take place. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Booo I want a Thunderdome date, for real.

Ben brings Rachel on the first solo date to "let nature take its course." If it's survival of the fittest, Kacie B won't make it cause she's that whiny girl who had the first date and now is desperate for another date. But it's time for Kacie to STFU because... HELICOPTER DATE!!! About GD time. The helicopter lands in the mountains for Ben and Rachel to go on a canoe ride and enjoy a picnic. By enjoy I mean force conversation and sip champagne. Shouldn't the booze make you chatty? Hours later they have another romantic meal in some pelt-covered hut and their banter is awkward and not flowy. Once Rachel opens up about not opening up it's enough for Ben to give her a rose. That and because she's attractive. Ben is transparent. They make "sch'mores" (really Ben?) and kiss.

The group date brings to the wilderness to ride some horses and go fishing. Considering the constant state of drunkenness of these women and their general stupidity, shouldn't these hoes be wearing helmets? The horse ride ends for a wardrobe change to go fly fishing to catch their lunch. Hope someone fishes out a bottle of champagne. The editors must want me to hate Kacie because they devote so much airtime to Kacie's constant pleas for validation. Courtney doesn't care for group dates and makes it her mission to take Ben alone and make it a solo date. Ben doesn't care because he's obsessed with Courtney and their shared love of mustard. Outdoorsy Lindzi tries to weasel her way in but no luck: Courtney catches a fish and makes herself even more almighty in Ben's mind.

The group migrates to a hotel for dranks and there is a pool but it's not on a rooftop. Nicky, who has only been on group dates, is soooo feeling Ben and wants more alone-time, and wisely uses it to talk about her dead boss and seizing the moment. Turns out Ben has a dead-friend story to share too. Then, Samantha interrupts with the no-date scenario and just asks for a solo date to get some time with him to make an impression. Ben appreciates the honesty but thinks group dates are good to observe others and notes she's highly emotional and maybe not even here for him. Burn! Even better, he tells her right away that he doesn't seem them lasting much longer and ends it ON THE DATE. SERVED!!! Ben has to explain to the girls what happened and reiterates he is taking this very seriously and they should be too. Kacie eventually gets her reassurance alone time so maybe she'll shut her fucking mouth now. Courtney whines about having to share a date with others and claims it's hurt her opinion of their relationship. Get this: Ben runs off to get the rose and give it to Courtney as an apology and reassurance. Then she uses Charlie Sheen catchphrases and ugh, die bitch.

Best-kisser Jennifer gets the other solo date to "pick our love song." Another private concert? Ughhhh. But first, Ben and Jennifer climb over a fence with a No Trespassing sign and encounter a bigass crater in the ground. They get harnessed up, lower themselves into the crater and then drop into the water. Belly/butt flop! They spend the evening eating a romantic outdoor dinner that gets thwarted by the rain. Ben wasn't really sure if they had a romantic vibe but the date helped so Jennifer gets a rose. They makeout on a ski lift ride and come upon a Clay Walker concert with a fake crowd of townies and Ben/Jennifer standing high above them in the crowd.

The cocktail party begins to bring out the cattiness as the process goes on. The elephant in the room: Ben doesn't seem to notice Courtney is an asshole. Emily seems most bothered by Courtney, comparing her to a beautiful, cold, hard marble sculpture. Emily decides she has to be the person to point out Courtney is a different person around the girls. Ben asks Emily to not read into things and tells her it will only lead to her own demise. Someone has watched many an-episode! Except if Ben watched the show he'd know that when the girl is an asshole, your relationship won't work. Some other Casey I have never seen before relays to Courtney what Emily told Ben; Courtney half brushes it off, half curses Emily out in front of the group. Emily begins to realize maaaaybe she made a mistake using her alone time to talk smack and the verbal smackdown she got doesn't help. Lucky for Emily, Ben lets her buttinski nature slide this week and it's Monica who is eliminated.

Next week: Courtney continues to be a megabitch in Puerto Rico.

Reality Rundown: Dolvett's Team are Jerks

2012-01-23T20:12:00.000-05:00

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - A Temptation lies ahead in a room filled with Chinese food. Besides the crab rangoon, fortune cookies, and lo mein I'd pass on all that ish. This week will be face-off week where each team will put a person head-to-head against them, and the winner of the Temptation will get the make the decision. Winner also gets a 2lb advantage to either keep or split. Bigger twist: if no one eats or if it's a tie, they automatically face off against their loved one partner. Eeeeevil. The red team decide together to not eat anything. The black team decides to eat one fortune cookie and no one wants to eat the THIRTY CALORIES. Cassandra steps up and eats two fortune cookies. Cassandra gets the power and the 2lb advantage. I love the red team bitching about the black team being weak but it's like 60 calories and they didn't want to compete directly against a loved one sooo STFU.

Joe, whose brother was the dick that got eliminated last week, packs up his suitcase and decides to leave campus. His team is not happy but he wants his family. Bob is not happy to see his black team is short a member, giving a weird confused face and wishing it was a joke. Bob calls Joe at home, and BTW there is a camera crew with Joe, and is not happy and worries Joe might not have learned enough to finish the journey at home. But whatever, back to the gym to focus on the people that want to be there in a very tough week of battles.

There is of course a challenge, which is to pump water, transport it through an obstacle course, and melt an ice cube with a prize envelope inside. Slightly different, the trainers are involved in the event helping their teams stay on track. The red team wins the challenge, even if Santa Roy almost blew it by not hearing them. The prize inside is video chats with their family- not surprising. Some of the red team members give up their videos so members of the black family can have them. Mark gave his video to Chism since he's young and has a girlfriend and mom to chat to, so in turn Buddy gives his video to Mark. Aww.

After the tears from videos and last chance work-outs, the weigh-in commences. Since Joe forfeited and quit the show, old lady Nancy wins one point immediately for the red team. The the black team starts to get some points. Lauren lets the red team down a bit with a mere 3lb loss. The biggest showdown is annoying red team bitch Conda vs. Subway sandwich winner Cassandra; Cassandra demolishes Conda and brings the victory point to the black team. Santa Roy has the highest percentage of weight loss so is immune, but before they depart Dolvett gives them a pep talk to let them know he can and will push them more. The votes come to old, weak Nancy or Lauren, a young girl with no screen time but I guess has a stable home to return to. Lauren gets eliminated and I truly had no idea who she was until tonight so goodbye girl I didn't know existed.

Top Chef: Texas - The silver fox chef Eric Ripert is the guest judge at this week's Quickfire which is to grab three ingredients from a conveyer belt to make a dish. The catch is the longer you wait, the better the items but then time to cook is less. Some people, like Ed and Beverly, take ingredients right away while Chris, Lindsay and Sarah wait around a while. The winner of the Quickfire is Lindsay who made a bouillabaise and wins immunity. Beverly would've won if she remembered to put the damn Rice Krispies treats on the plate. Story of our lives, huh readers?

The Elimination Challenge is to make a dish for a queen: Charlize Theron who is playing the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman. This product placement challenge is to make a seven course gothic meal which means everyone is thinking of what would look repulsed and murdered. Bloody handprints, maggots, dead birds- truly mouth watering. The dishes are actually quite inventive and delicious, despite the grotesque overall theme. The judges are totally wowed but the meal and consider it one of the best they've had on the show.

Judges Table. The panel loved Sarah's amarone risotto in red wine. Lindsay's scallop over stew with dragon bean was creative and reminded them of something a witch would brew in her pot. Ed's black and white sauces had a lot of depth. Chris had dessert with some smoke and fog that was the perfect amount of sweet. Beverly's seared halibut is perfectly cooked and the rice not coconuty. Grayson used a creepy black chicken which was a stunning visual effect, especially when the claw still on. Paul's bloody hand print was cool, but his enchanted forest sort of salad tasted great too, and Paul wins the challenge and gets tickets to the movie premiere. The bottom are Sarah, Beverly and Grayson and while they did well, someone has to go home so it's down to severe nitpicking. It's at long last the end of Beverly and since was so close to immunity, it's a suckier feeling.

Reality Rundown: Get Off Your High Hearse

2012-01-17T17:44:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 3

The hangovers of Sonoma are left behind for the next round of dates in San Francisco. If Ben's group date isn't re-enacting the Full House opening credits I'm fucking done. Oh but Ben's sister lives in San Fran so it's an early season family pow wow.

For his first San Fran romp, Emily and Ben go climbing. Climbing the Bay Bridge! It looks sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge except not red and not as awesome, but I guess climbing to the top of the bridge hasn't been done before right? Oh wait, Oprah and her fans did it in Australia so Oprah did it first. Ok, so it's pretty impressive, Emily's scared, Ben makes Top Gun references, and a telescope is coincidentally in the hotel room so that the women could find them on the date. To help her get to the top, Ben gives Emily like the tiniest kiss ever and it's such a motivator that they scream and make it. Later they romantically dine on a pier overlooking that now puny bridge. Emily tells her horrible dating back story: she was on an online dating site, filled out the questionnaire and a top result was her brother. Best story ever. Guess what: I actually like a contestant on this show! I like Emily and so does Ben cause he gives her a rose, they kiss, and actual fireworks shoot off.

Group date time and hopefully this time it doesn't involved decolletage bopping around in front of children. This date comes straight from Ben's "leap list" is to ski down a hill in San Francisco while also promoting the 2012 Honda CR-V. But wait, it's a comfy 69 degrees everyday how is this possible? Oh because the show shuts down a street and covers it in snow and ice! Ok show, this is an impressive date. But since it IS nice out, everyone skiis in bikinis just like the trailer for Aspen Extreme. It's fun to watch because Casey B can't ski and ends up coming down the hill bass-ackwards and bumping into the sides.

Meanwhile, Brittney gets the next solo date and even a necklace to rock. I seriously thought Horse Girl Lindzi would get the date because she didn't have a date last week. You know who else is surprised? Brittney who is upset, confused and doesn't want the date which is odd. Brittney isn't comfortable with the circumstances of the situation, you know having a dude tongue-slobber 25 girls, and because her heart's not in it, Brittney packs up her suitcase and goes to find Ben to deliver the news.

The bikini ski slopes wind down and Ben and his hoes go to some sweet restaurant with an indoor like Tiki pool or some shit. I don't know but I bet it has delicious Mai Tais. At some point Casey B pulls Ben aside and they just walk down the street with their dranks. Is that even legal? This isn't New Orleans. But they make out a lot. As Ben is getting his drank and talk on, Brittney comes downstairs, luggage in tow, and lets Ben know she doesn't want the one-on-one wasted but she needs to leave. Ben is a bit stunned and delivers the news to the other girls. He's stunned but not too phased so he gives Rachel the group date rose.

With a solo date leftover, horse girl Lindzi gets the solo date which to me just means the show knew exactly what the plan was and made a great storyline. It's so obvious Ben was never interested in Brittney anyways and a solo date would've been more suited to Lindzi, who he immediately clicked with. I hope the date is to scrub all the self tanner and cakey foundation off of Lindzi's face, but it's instead an exploration of San Francisco at night. Will be harder to see the humongous homeless popular in the dark- bummer! Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car to get a huge taste of San Francisco- Rice-A-Roni factory tour?? Close- ice cream! Ben lives in San Fran so he really wants to remain there and have a woman who can love the city like he does. The trolley drops them at San Francisco City Hall, which Ben has a super secret key to, and enter to the grand staircase to find a private concert by Matt Nathanson (WHO???). After, they grab dinner and drinks in a speakeasy with bookshelves that lead to private rooms. I want to go there. Lindzi tells Ben the story of her famous text dumping, which it turns out is a Simpsons reference as someone told me on Twitter. Deep down, you know Ben is laughing hysterically on the inside. But he does really like Lindzi and they have a nice vibe; Ben gives her a rose and then they play pianos.

A mysterious car is driving over the Bay Bridge talking to Chris Harrison on speakerphone (I almost typed speakerwhore and I like that better) saying she's on her way, her and Ben have talked before and Ben is going to totally fall in love with her. Someone's gonna fuck up this rose ceremony and that someone in... mortician Shawntel who fell for Brad when he was the overly apologetic Bachelor and she'd like to take a chance at getting Ben to date her. Chris Harrison explains the cocktail party has started and she'll need to walk right in there and get his attention.

So much for the drama-free night the ladies toasted to then. Ben flirts with ginger Jen (it's more auburn) and he says she's the best kisser thus far, but they've kept their smooches secret. Well until others can clearly see them. As the other women try to make their bond with Ben, Courtney talks shit about how she hates everyone. We get it Courtney (though you're totally spot on that Blakeley is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with). The ladies aren't pleased with Courtney's shithead behavior and are sure Ben's not aware of her bitchiness. Doesn't matter because Ben is so into Courtney and while he has good banter with the other girls, he makes a goofy smile around her. As Ben talks to some girl I have never seen before (her name is apparently Elyse), Shawntel the lady in red just strolls through the party and everyone's like "Who is that stranger walking through the hotel room?" They assume it's an ex-girlfriend back to win the winemaker's heart.

Ben is completely shocked to see Shawntel, far more shocked than Brittney quitting the show. The ladies begin to realize it's not Ben's ex but rather Brad the downer's fourth-place ex. Shawntel explains she was upset to know he was the Bachelor because they talked before and felt they had something, so she's here to give it a shot and if he wants to try, give her a rose. Ben is shocked but hopes the women will be "gracious and welcoming." LOLOLOL. Rando girl Elyse is like "But you don't know Ben you were on Brad's season!!" You didn't know him either until a week ago, trick. Queen bitch Courtney is like, if he gives her a rose I'll quit and then attempts to cry; stick to modeling, your acting blows. The women are pissed and wonder why a person from another season can just come on the show. Guess these women don't realize this show is fixed and set up. Kudos to Nicki for the "Shawntel rode in on her high HEARSE" pun.

Chris Harrison makes the announcement that the cocktail party is over and it's rose ceremony time. Ben ponders whether Shawntel is worth giving a shot to; the women claim they'll quit if he gives Shawntel a rose (they won't). Everyone is crying like crazy the whole rose ceremony which is beyond weird. Ben prepares to make his final rose speech and Erika, the goddess in the teal dress with gold chain sleeves, faints and hyperventilates. I guess this overshadows Jaclyn, the girl sobbing, "I'm getting dumped for a girl he's known five minutes?" Erika, then falls back down after getting officially dumped. The final rose doesn't go to Shawntel or Jaclyn either. Everyone shoves glasses of water at Erika, Jaclyn's sobbing in the bathroom, and the women are rejoicing that Shawntel's gone. Ben explains to Shawntel he's flattered but it's just not fair, which Shawntel cries about in her interview.

Reality Rundown: Restaurant Bores

2012-01-15T16:57:00.000-05:00

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Samantha Gene Brady comes to the kitchen to give some insight into the week. The person with the highest weight loss on the winning team can give immunity to a player on the other team, a huge incentive. But first, two team captains from each team have to follow Ali into another room. Black team sends Joe/Emily , red sends Kim/Kimmy. There is a chance to win a 5lb advantage for their team by gambling how much they expect their team weight loss to be and the highest bet wins. Then (ugh, long rules) that highest bet team must lose that amount to get the 5lb advantage or the other team wins it. Red bets 3.8% which is 94lbs or 10 1/2lbs per person. Worst bet ever and of course black doesn't try to top them. Kimmy is laughing that they intimidated them which is dumb because it's that they set a totally unrealistic goal for week two for a kind of older aged team but maybe Dolvett's team will triumph again. The rest of the red team? Not so happy. Dolvett? Not loving it, considers Kim/Kimmy worst gamblers ever.

After initial workouts and a Dr. H visit that is luckily interrupted by a Mitt Romney New Hampshire primary thingy, there's a challenge at a pier. The challenge is for a prize of the Biggest Loser meal plan for six months once they get home which will definitely help keep up healthy eating once they get home. The teams have to turn an anchor wheel to lift puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle (giant team photo) and then raise the puzzle up. Seriously, did the Survivor people consult on this season? The black team wins the challenge and gets their meals on wheels for fatties.

Hey remember the aqua team siblings that got eliminated because, you wouldn't believe it, they were out-of-shape? Well back in Chicago and nutritionist from the ranch comes to visit them at home to help teach them the tricks. Don't worry everyone, we DO get Jennie-O product placement to make turkey breakfast burritos.

Workouts, workouts, workouts, Dolvett graffitis the wall, emotional chats... which I fast forward through because I reeeally want to start Dance Moms. Kim, the red team big mouth who made the terrible bet, only loses 3lbs. Haha idiot. Kimmy, the other shitty gambler, loses 4lbs. So... don't go to Vegas with these two schmos. The rest of the team continues to lose not even close to 10lbs a person so of course the red teams fails in the overall task (2.09%), but at least they are losing weight. Black team gets the 5lb advantage and has to lose over 48lbs to beat the red team. Since it's week two, a typically weak week, black team isn't getting huge numbers either. Bob's team is able to pull the victory (2.22%) thanks to 8lbs loss by Jizzum, I mean Chism, and the 5lb advantage.

The person on the black team with the highest percentage of weight loss is Chris who gives immunity to her husband Roy aka Santa Claus. The red team heads to deliberate aka cry a lot and someone sacrifices themself. Mike is pointed out to be the laziest at last chance workout; we saw him earlier get a Dolvett therapy time talking about his on-ranch partner being the half brother he didn't meet until age 12. Mike thinks Kim's dumb bet should get her eliminated over him. In the voting room, Mike's snacking behavior, need for breaks, chewing tobacco, and shitty attitude becomes a hot topic. I don't recall ever seeing a heated vote-out like this before. Mike gets the necessary five votes and is eliminated and expresses he felt like a loner. This goes on for far too long, delaying my Dance Moms experience.

Top Chef: Texas - I cannot begin to tell you how bored I am with this season and that it took me three days to even turn this episode on. This week is the week everyone is typically excited for: Restaurant Wars. This twist year is that it's a battle of the sexes and they'll be dining in each other's restaurants (a two-day affair).

Canteen, the men's restaurant, opens on night one with a rustic mess hall sort of feel. Their service is a mess since no decisions were made before regarding expediting the food and the servers are morons. The first course is a Thai style crab and shrimp salad and a ham and pork pate with a fried egg. Second course, the main dishes, are poached salmon in warm totato water, clams, salmon skin and tomatillo jam and a crispy pork belly with green apple and sweet potato puree. To wrap up the meal, desserts are an Almond Joy cake with banana coconut puree and malted chocolate mousse and cracker jacks with peanut butter ice cream.

The women name their restaurant Half Bushel; insert "bush" joke here. Seating customers becomes completely backed up because Lindsay refuses to only work front of the house and keeps going back to the kitchen. Then the kitchen backs up. First course served is a peach salad with pickled shallots, candied pistachios and bacon vinaigrette and a mozzarella filled arancino (risotto ball) with a sweet and sour eggplant and celery salad. Main course are braised short ribs with a potato puree and apple slaw and grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo and a fennel and sherry salad. The meal is completed with a schaum torte with vanilla meringue and champagne berries and hazelnut cream Italian donuts with banana sugar glaze (OMG I WANT THOSE NOW). The night is completed by having Lindsay go into the kitchen and bitch that Bev ruined her halibut when I say if you have a hard dish, don't run front of the house.

Half Bushel wins Restaurant Wars, despite the horrible service Lindsay did as front-of-the-house. The only critique is that Lindsay's halibut was slightly overcooked, likely making her blood boil. The best dish winner is Beverly for her short ribs, and she wins a 3 liter bottle of wine and a trip to tour a vineyard. The men get their critique which is that the judges and diners both disliked the cuisine. Ty-Lor's Thai dish lacked any Thai flavoring. Seasoning is the biggest critique across the board. They are also critiqued for a sloppy presentation, lack of coconut, and soggy croutons. The judges think all should go home, but it's Ty-Lor that gets sent packin'.

Reality Rundown: Prince Pinot Just Wants to Smush His Grapes

2012-01-11T17:43:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 2

Ben and all his ladies are brought to Sonoma to get their crunk on at the vineyard they'll be staying at.

Kacie B., a 24 year old administrative assistant, receives the first date card and she proclaims herself the luckiest girl alive. Ben picks Kacie up in his mediocre Jeep (the most realistic car on this show ever) and gives her a tour of Sonoma. Why are there no people on the streets of Sonoma except four people hanging out the front door of a bar? After looting a candy store Kacie "coincidentally" finds a worn-in, beat up, tattered tape baton and twirls for him. They share a romantic dinner together talking about Ben's history in the town, his dad, and his passion for NoCal. He's digging Kacie and could see her fitting in the town so he gives her a rose and a kiss. Ben teases something another surprise: a private movie showing lame-ass home movies of Kacie B and Ben and their dads. For Kacie it's nice but since Ben's dad is dead it's kind of heartbreaking. But back to snark, if you don't think these dates are pre-determined, how do you explain an entire compilation movie made for ONE girl? Please don't insist they made a video for everyone. Staged!

A dozen skanks head out on the first group date of the season with their all their boobies hanging out, particular horse-toothed Blakely (can't anyone get natural veneers?). Showing the boobage seems wrong since they are performing a play written by elementary school kids, but I bet the boys are happy. The women have to audition for the children which means humiliate and degrade themselves, moreso than initially agreeing to be on this show. Best moment in Bachelor: the kids also agree showing the tits is inappropriate. The girls put on their ridic costumes (gingerbread skank, wizard, princess, hippie, donkey- the usual) and perform the play about "Prince Pinot" in front of an audience. I'm going to fathom a guess that an 11 year old didn't come up with a character named after wine, so it's sadder that 20-something year old production assistants wrote this shit. It eventually allows Prince Pinot, now a sheep, to strip down to his undies.

Post-play they head to a hotel for a pool party!! No rooftop... yet. Blakely, the 34 year old fake-tittied fake teeth VIP cocktail waitress annoyance, will do anything for a rose and feels no competition. All the girls hate her because she's a skank and it even leads Samantha to go mope in a handicapped bathroom stall. Soon everyone strips down to their bikinis for some pool and hot tub time. While Blakely plots how to get a kiss, Jennifer is getting her smooch on in the pool. Blakeley is desperate for attention in her teal 90s ruffle bikini and keen to show her kissing skills to Ben. I'm sad he accepts her teeth and veneers in his mouth. That bitch gets the rose, shocking me and the roomie who thought he and Jennifer really his it off. Errbody on that date is pissed.

House bitch Courtney receives the second one-on-one date card and she makes a Charlie Sheen "Winning!" reference and I hated her before, I hate her more now. Make "winning" stop, seriously. She's also a major bitch when she gets the date card to everyone just to piss off the other girls. Ben brings his awesome Jack Russell terrier Scotch on the date and he better not give that dog wine because it's made of grapes and that's toxic!! They walk into the woods and try to get Scotch to howl. He looks terrified because he can read that Courtney is a total bitch. His howling is cries for help. "Hooooooooooooooe!!!" They sit by the water for a picnic and some wine and talk about the future, like kids and shit. Ben thinks Courtney is the perfect package and they have a little kiss. Ben and Courtney kick Scotch to the curb at night for a romantic dinner in a vineyard. They have some deep relationship talks like why a hot model is still single and that reason is LA guys (read: Jesse Metcalfe from Desperate Housewives and Passions) all party and are douchey. Ben's smitten and gives Courtney the rose then they share a really awkward kiss.

Cocktail party. Ben assures horse-riding Lindzi she made a good enough first impression to not need a week two date (she'll probably get a solo date next week). Blakely explains her mentality for the group date was to pretend no one else existed besides Ben. And because she's crazy, cue her cutting in on Samantha at the key line "I don't like drama." And since she has a rose it sparks the every-season argument that people with roses don't need cocktail party alone time. So Ben has alone time with another girl and Blakely interrupts again for more alone time (he kind of ditches her). Crazy, ain't that the tooth- I mean truth. Jenna "the blogger" gets insecure and cries in the bathroom. Somehow they blame Blakely for this, the girls talk shit, Blakely cries in a corner. Ben learns she's the scapegoat and comforts her in the corner. His next duty is to check on a sobbing Jenna laying in a bed. Sober up, assholes.

Rose ceremony. Blakely, Courtney, and Kacie all have roses so it's time for a bunch of girls with no screentime to go home. Heading home is neurotic "blogger" Jenna and some chick with skunky highlights (Shawna?). Jenna, no surprise, has a crying fit that is moreso a case of the drunks or as I call it, see you on Bachelor Pad this summer you loon. And bring your wizard's sleeve.

Next week: a bunch of skanks terrorize the homeland of the Tanner family.

Reality Rundown: Winners, Losers, and Barbequers

2012-01-08T20:40:00.001-05:00

New! The Biggest Loser • Top Chef Texas
New! The Biggest Loser - It's been only THREE WEEKS since the 12th season ended and now it's time for season 13. This show truly doesn't understand that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The theme of the season is "no excuses" and a new set of fatty pairs are outside of a gate to the ranch. Along with the typical pairs there is a pair of strangers (the pink team) and both are former athletes. But before they can get through the gates, they have to complete a challenge and, shocker, the last place team doesn't get onto the ranch. Yawn. Same shit, different numbered season. The first four teams to complete a 40 yard dash immediately move on. The gray team dad might've pulled a hamstring but his son's name sounds like jizzum so I can't focus. The remaining six teams go to round two: move puzzle pieces and complete them. Oh jesus, who marathoned a season of Survivor before designing this challenge? Four more teams move on and then the last two teams compete head to head. Those bottom two teams the pink team (strangers) and the light blue team (siblings). The final challenge is an endurance battle to balance on a barrel. The pink team wins, sending the siblings home. I never understand this whole concept of making out of shape people compete for the chance to get in shape. It seems cruel. But of course, in one month they get the chance to get back onto the ranch if they lose a combined 50lbs. Honestly show, be innovative for once. Your tricks are old.

The first official day on campus begins at the gym where they are introduced to Bob and Dolvett, who arrive via motorcycle and helicopter (HREAM!), respectively. If you look really closely you can see Anna Kournikova picking up her unemployment check at social security. The losers get two hours with the trainers and then they will have to decide which trainer they'd like to work with for good. While fake puking is not an excuse, an almost passed out mall Santa possibly is, but it's actually some brother on the brown team that loses his marbles and can't even recall Bob's name. We find out Jessica of the pink team is a former Olympian who decided instead of getting bossed around she'd boss around hamburgers.

Alison comes into the gym to drop a bombshell: in a season of no excuses, it's also a season of no partners. While they came in as pairs, they will each be on different teams so that they can learn to rely on themselves. As a couple they will need to decide which person goes to Bob and Dolvett. Some teams have logical discussions (grandma orange team really wanted Dolvett, Santa's wife wants him to have a Dolvett body) while others leave it up to chance. This team selection was maybe the fastest thing this show has ever done.

Dr. Huizenga shows up at the halfway mark as I predicted and I fast forward through him. I hate the medical evaluation where they tell the losers they are on death's door and a 22 year old in an 85 year old body.

Bob's team is kicking ass in last chance work-outs, while Dolvett's team is self-described bad news bears. He's got an old lady, Santa, potty breaks, injuries- nothing goes right. He says there's no excuses, especially when it comes to losing weigh-ins. Once he calls out his team, they step up their game. We also learn that the other pink teamer now on Dolvett's team was a professional wrestler that once had a hot bod, but in a match gone wrong (broken tailbone/back) her career was over. But she still beat the other one in a match because she's a winner. F yes.

Weigh-in. The scale has a new font that seems to have a kinda weird glare/glow to it. Bob's black team gets on the scale and while the contestants are smaller and weight is being lost, it's not the usually first week gigundo numbers we're used to seeing. The black team loses a total of 103lbs (3.15%). Dolvett's team hits the scale with Santa's 14lb loss- a great beginning for a 62 year old. His team is rolling strong until old lady Nancy gets a mere 5lbs on the scale and proceeds to make an excuse. Kim, the wrestler, drops 13lbs and that is awesome. Buddy, originally of the red team and has the backstory of a dead daughter, holds the fate of the team in his belly. Buddy knocks it out of the park with a 22lb loss, giving Dolvett's red team the victory over Bob's black team. I think this is a first? The black team has to eliminate one person from their team. Megan is sobbing because she's lowest loser, but strong dude Ben wants to go home because he misses his family (9 kids?!). His team's like aw hell no, but still complies with his wishes and sends him home.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants are greeted at their pad with Modernist Cuisine, five huge-ass books about cooking, and are told to study. The next day Padma and that cookbook's author are in the kitchen for the Quickfire: create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. Talk about a no shit title of challenge. The winner gets immunity and the cookbook which they beat into our heads is brand new and everyone wants it. We fucking get it and no I'm not buying this cookbook. It's a lot of weird molecular gastronomy stuff going on in the kitchen. The winner in my eyes as Beverly for jizzing foam all over the judges and dropping all her shit. But the real winner is Ty Lor for his watermelon topped with tapioca. Tapioca gives me the willies.

Elimination challenge! Fuck the modern nonsense and get back to basics... barbeque for 300 people. The chefs have to split into three teams of three and surprise, no one wants to work with Beverly (she ends up with the two Chris'). The cheftestants gets all night to cook and are expected to three different kinds of meat with two sides, not to mention they'll have to cook the meat on a fire pit. They'll serve their grub at famous BBQ establishment The Salt Lick, where we get a mouth-watering tour. During night-time prep, Beverly stupidly reduces bourbon on the stove in the camper and sets off the fire alarm with it's big ass flame. Tom gets by and after being told he'll be getting "sex in the mouth" BBQ, he announces the winning team gets $15,000. The smoke and Texas heat gets to Sarah, who gets an airmask strapped to her face and taken away via ambulance. Her teammate Ed is not pleased.

Blue team (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) serves up Asian spare ribs, chicken, brisket, charred brussels sprouts, and a watermelon salad. The Blue teams wins because their meat was cooked perfectly and they took risks in their flavors instead of straight up BBQ. The Red team (Ed, Ty Lor, Sarah), irritated by Sarah's late return who throws off the flow, prepares Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, smoked brisket, poppy seed cole slaw and pinto beans. The chicken had no smoky flavor and seemed more grilled, the ribs were tough and overseasoned, the brisket got rubbery, and the cole slaw had a weird mint flavor. White team (Chris, Chris, Beverly) has beer can chicken, brisket, and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs served with coleslaw and pink lemonade. Beverly's coleslaw is bland and traditional and her beans were undercooked, the chicken was just grilled, the ribs were salty and inedible, and the Dr. Pepper sauce was terrible. Chris C aka Malibu aka good looking Chris made a horribly salty rib that couldn't be saved, eliminating him and giving Beverly another week to be a klutz.

Reality Rundown: Welcome to Dumpsville... Population 24 of You

2012-01-03T17:59:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor - Week 1

Previously, winemaker Ben got down on bended knee and got dumped by dentist Ashley. After finally opening himself up, Ben has no regrets, moved to San Francisco, made more wine in Sonoma, and had bonfires with his friends. Don't worry, he never cut his stupid hair. Ben is ready to start again (by that he means, get paid a lot of money to mess around with chicks) so moves into the rented Los Angeles house and plays "This Year's Love" on the piano, so you know that'll be the finale song too. It's no "On the Wings of Love." Most shocking, no shirtless workout montages!

So what perfectly normally women want a chance to get boozy with the winemaker? A girl who got dumped with the best text ever ("Babe, welcome to Dumpsville.... population YOU."), a girl who eats cow balls, a nurse who raised her siblings, and a diplomat with a horrible nose job. If that's her real nose, my apologies but that shit looks weird. And of course we've got a single mom and divorcee (but her dog is adorable!), a recent trend in the show. The season bitch will likely be the model whose dressed as a bride soooo much, loves competition, and I'm sure isn't there to make friends.

Ben arrives at the mansion and after one of those lame chats with Chris Harrison (you were not missed sir), the ladies start making their limo exit. Overall, I kinda like the entrances because for the first time the bachelor makes some snarky comments after they leave ("Love the smack on the arm," "I do love these brunettes"). There's a Canadian with the last name Bacon, a law student with a horrible lawyer pun ("You're guilty... of being too sexy!", and a blogger that can't put together a verbal sentence quoting Ben from last season. The first kiss of the season comes from a chick that sprays some binaca in both of their mouths and gives them both Purell. What is this horrible trend of short dresses made into floor length gowns with sheer overlay? I hate it. I also hate the women who try sooo hard to say something witty and interesting but it's not. Hottest of the night is Sheryl, a retired 72 year old on crutches because she's rocking a boot, but she's not there for Ben- her granddaughter is. Grandma does stay for the party though because who turns down an open bar? The "Oh no, this is definitely not something producers planted" entrance award goes to the final girl (Lindzi) who rides in on her horse. The ladies hate horse girl for making an impression.

The women are swooning and getting their drank on, so they let Ben into the house for the shit storm to begin. The other girls don't like the girl with the grandma (Brittney) because it seems like a you-can't-cut-her move. Grandma says she hopes to see Ben again "maybe at her granddaughter's wedding." Don't press your luck, nana. Shawn, the girl with no bra, bright green dress, and horrible black underlayer under her blonde, brings Ben outside for soccer. Some girl makes him do push-ups while the Kentucky girl puts him in her floppy hat. Dianna, a non-profit director, blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy from a brown bag. Um, weird. Yet the most uncomfortable is the Purell girl who "raps" which is just the worst spoken word poem ever with some turntable hands.

It takes 77 minutes before we get the first "not here for the right reason" bomb so drink to that! Monica seems more attracted to some other chick(Blakeley) in the house than Ben, and this infuriates blogger Jenna who won't STFU. They sit together to hash it out and Monica mentions we're girls and Jenna's response is "We're girls, we can share a tampon some time." Uhhh I know it was sarcastic but it makes no sense. Can't wait to read her blog. Ben even sees her crazy and insecurity, so she cries in a bathroom.

The first impression rose goes to Lindzi which is a no brainer as it's hard to forget a girl who greets you on horseback. Ben says it's not the horse but rather their down-to-earth convo that earned her the rose. It's time for the rose ceremony to commence but ca-raaazy Jenna isn't there and is either in the bathroom or hiding around the corner claiming she doesn't want to be famous yet is clearly doing something for attention. Monica does get a rose and Jenna's face is a priceless but crazy bitch gets a rose too. Maybe they'll give her some hair dye to even out her dull, grown-out highlights. The roseless ladies are candy-feeding Dianna, the Bacon chick, the diplomat's daughter, and four other chicks that I don't think got any screentime.

This season on The Bachelor: helicopters around the world!! Crying! Bitchy model!

Charity of the Month for December 2011: American Cancer Society

2011-12-31T15:40:00.003-05:00

I can't believe 2011 is over and we're moving into 2012. For the first time ever I truly made a new year's resolution and actually seeing it through has felt great. I've learned about so many new charities this year and I am sure my contributions will help do great things in this world.

For my final charity of 2011, I decided to donate to the American Cancer Society. This holiday season someone close to me lost someone to cancer. It saddens me this for disease to continue in this world and I hope that my contribution can help in taking the steps forward to curing cancer as well as providing help for those currently battling. I encourage you on this final day of 2011 to make a donation, just a little one, to a charity that means something to you. Trust me, it feels good.

Past Charities of the Month
January: The Ronald McDonald House • February: Autism Speaks •
March: Operation Smile • April: ShelterBox • May: AIDS Walk Boston •
June: Save the Chimps • July: Plan • August: Birthday Wishes •
September: Boys & Girls Club of Brockton • October: Morgan Memorial Goodwill •
November: Community Servings

Reality Rundown: The New Dragon Slayer

2011-12-26T13:19:00.004-05:00

Finale! Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

Finale! Survivor: South Pacific - The final duel is the most Ozzy-est of challenges: hang on a pole as long as you can. Brandon does a decent job staying up for a while but of course Ozzy prevails. So Ozzy returns to the game and becomes the prime target. Ozzy of course wins individual immunity in the form of stacking blocks like a card house. Sophie, who for some reason owns a card stacking book, throws a hissy fit for Albert to help her. Albert tries to use this as leverage as to why Sophie should be the next to go, though Rick is really the top one to go. Ozzy reveals to everyone at Tribal Council that he made a final three deal with Coach, making him livid, and then says Sophie is a brat, leading to her having a breakdown. It's silent mustached Rick whose torch is snuffed.

In the last immunity challenge, there's one of those big obstacle course jungle gym things to retrieve puzzle pieces and then assemble them. Ozzy takes the early lead and gets all his bags first, but he's a puzzle failure and Sophie wins immunity. Coach declares Sophie the new Dragon Slayer for finally taking Ozzy out. Despite reassurance from Coach that the deal is still on and begging for a fire challenge tie breaker, Ozzy is eliminated for good.

At the jury, Albert keeps pretending he was BFF with all the jury members and insists he was the puppetmaster. Sophie makes logical explanations as to what she did to stay in the game: strategy, alliances, and winning challenges. Coach feels this is his redemption story and he played with "honor and integrity" and because he keeps saying this phrase over and over, it rubs the jury the wrong way. Coach eventually admits he had to play shitty sometimes. Albert still gets the most ripping by the jury because they believe he knew Brandon was going home and Rick thinks Albert used god to get ahead. The best part of the whole jury questioning is when Sophie reveals they staged the whole Upolu "We found the idol!" moment since Sophie/Albert/Coach found it early and kept it a secret from Rick and Brandon. They jury votes and we come to the present day set and the winner of Survivor: South Pacific is.... SOPHIE!

At the reunion, Sophie gets like four minutes of airtime before Probst only speaks to the male contestants. He gives Ozzy so much credit and Ozzy wins fan favorite by a landslide margin. The worst moment of all time goes to Probst suggesting a Brandon vs Russell Battle of the Hantz season and I will tell you know if that happens, get your recaps elsewhere.

Now, most importantly, at the beginning of each season of Survivor I predict who I think will win based on questionnaires, pre-show interviews, etc. Obviously I was totally wrong with Mikayla, BUT this season we have a winner! Everyone please congratulate Phil Robinson who chose Sophie before the game started. Kudos to him because truth be told, I figured she'd be one of the first out.

Top Chef: Texas - The Quickfire is interactive this week, taking suggestions straight off of Twitter. This includes having to cook something with bacon in it (snooze), make a hash (hashtag challenge, har har puns), and use a random ingredient picked by another cheftestant. Paul is declared the winner for getting bacon, blueberry, asparagus and clams to not taste like shit. He wins $10,000 but no immunity.

The elimination challenge is to create a dish inspired by the person who taught you to cook. Here's where you get a lot of clips about their moms and grandmothers. Alleged new judge of the entire season Emeril finally returns to collect a paycheck and is joined by celebrity guest judge, Patti LaBelle. The winner of the challenge is Sarah who was inspired by the stuffed cabbage her grandparents made. The bottom three are attractive Chris, Grayson, and Heather. I figured Grayson was the shoo-in to go after making a literal copy of her inspiration dish and having horrible portions. Turns out karma's a bitch for nasty-ass Heather who is eliminated for overcooked, tough, dry meat.

Reality Rundown: Hmm I'm Gonna Go Smell the Pizza

2011-12-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

Finale! The Amazing Race • Finale! The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

Finale! The Amazing Race - The final destination on the race around the world is Atlanta, Georgia and man I would like a Phaedra Parks cameo. Amani and Marcus are from Atlanta so lucky break for them. Their route info sends them to a flight simulator which would be puke city for me. Marcus has a fear of flying so has trouble not really flying on the ground. Amani and Marcus takes ace to succeed at fake flying.

Next, teams go to "The Dump" which is the residence of the dude who wrote Gone With the Wind. Since they have to figure it out themselves, they're lost. Jeremy and Sandy end up in a furniture store, frantically searching. Ernie and Cindy are able to make a call to find the right location. At The Dump is a "who gives a damn?" Roadblock to type out their next clue on an old typewriter, but there's no 1 key so they need to use lowercase L. What an exciting finale task. Ernie and Cindy complete the task before Jeremy and Sandy even arrive.

The next clue is at Turner Field based on Hank Aaron's stats. At the field, there's a big ass map that one team member has to climb up and use a rope and carabiners to plot out the race course. This is a better challenge as it requires brains and brawn. Cindy really remembers the race course so her only challenge is maneuvering up on a harness. They receive the clue to head to Swan House, the final pit stop in the race. Then they hover over their cab driver's GPS cursing the "Recalculating" voice. Smart editing makes it seem like Jeremy and Sandy are close but I'm doubtful. Ernie and Cindy make it through the cheering crowd of losing racers and become the winners of The Amazing Race: Worst Season ever. Seriously, what an unchallenging, uninteresting, piece of shit season. Of the remaining three teams, I guess I was pulling for Ernie/Cindy or at least I remembered who they are (sorry, Jeremy and Sandy).

Finale! The Biggest Loser - If you're looking for two hours of filler with periodic weigh-ins, have I got the finale for you! Anna even puts on a pleasant face for someone who was fired for being unlikable and intolerable. While we get some silhouettes of the final three, until then it's the other losers competing for the at-home prize of $100,000. The "huge difference" in this finale is that all the losers have already weighed in and the top three will get on the giant fake scale for the final at-home prize weigh-in. I don't love the way they display the weight loss as it doesn't make it as clear as to their starting weight and ending weight. The at-home prize contenders are Vinny, Patrick, and Jennifer. Yeah I don't really remember two of those people either. The big fake scale is rolled out and Jennifer wins the at-home prize after losing 43.94% of her body weight (145lbs).

The final three, Ramon, John, and Antone, come strutting out to reveal their new skinnier looks next to their fatass holograms. The show then fills and immense amount of time and I'm not kidding about this: I started watching the episode at 9:50PM and completely caught up at 10:21 PM. We get a sneak peak of Biggest Loser 13 which premieres in only three fucking weeks and the twist is they arrive as pairs but the pairs are split: one family member with Bob, one with Dolvett. John loses 225lbs to win The Biggest Loser and gets the confetti in his hair he dreamed about.

Survivor: South Pacific - Ozzy and Edna battle in the latest duel: slide puzzle, hatchet to cut puzzle pieces, than a stackable puzzle of cubes. Ozzy has an early lead but hey, the commercial shows Edna's possible upset. Even Upolu is giving her help from the sidelines to take on Ozzy. No upset at all: Ozzy wins.

It's time for the five to start eating each other alive and Albert can't wait to pull of the biggest blindside yet: Sophie. Are you fucking kidding me? GET RID OF COACH. He even begs Coach to listen to his Sophie pleas, but Coach isn't listening and sees the paranoia. Albert sees Sophie as a threat now so wants to adapt his gameplay to work with Rick and Brandon better. Albert realizes Rick would be ideal for final three because he's a total follower that has done exactly nothing. What Albert isn't considering is how fucking obvious it is that Coach will win. Well until Ozzy inevitably comes back into the game and gets all the Savaii jury votes. Sophie suggests to Coach that Brandon should be sent to Redemption as their best chance to maybe eliminate Ozzy permanently, or at least eliminate his god-loving chances of winning. Coach starts to get Russell flashbacks with Brandon, who is bossy and a butt-inski.

The immunity challenge is to climb a wall to collect puzzle pieces which have to be sorted into pairs, but the extras will make a number code to unlock a box. Gahhh could they make challenges easier for recaps? Winner gets immunity and pizza, soda, and garlic bread. Since the entire pre-immunity strategy talk was to get rid of Brandon, he of course wins immunity and thanks Jesus. He gets to pick one other person to enjoy pizza with him, so Brandon picks Rick to join him while they eat pizza in front of them.

Since Brandon's safe, Coach and Sophie agree it's Albert's time to go since he thinks he's better than everyone. Sophie goes to "smell the pizza" and lets Brandon/Rick know the plan is Albert and he's got a final three with everyone. Brandon doesn't like liars cause the bible hates liars. Rick even speaks saying that Albert checked him with him re: a final three as well. Sophie loves seeing Albert squirm. Albert knows he's screwed but tries one last time to get Brandon to open his heart to him and Brandon forgives him and announces he won't vote for him. Brandon even says if he has to he will give Albert his immunity necklace. Brandon knows he's safe with Coach and even tells Coach said plan. Well this puts Coach in an awkward position.

Tribal Council time! 4 seconds into Tribal, Brandon announces he'd like to give his immunity necklace up and puts it around Albert's neck. Brandon is willing to give his space up for others to show his alliance dedication. Brandon is fucking crazy and dumb. Jeff asks Albert if he would in turn re-give the necklace to Brandon if he were in trouble; Albert says yes, Sophie's not so sure. The realization begins to hit Brandon his time could be up but Albert hopes Brandon has faith in himself and Coach to keep him alive. No shit he keeps the necklace. The votes are cast and, a-duh, Brandon is eliminated.

Top Chef: Texas - Quickfire: make a dish that pairs well with the product placement tequila. Tasting time- shots, shots, shots, shots-shots-shots! Best dig: Heather's dish tasting like the dish of the week at a chain restaurant. The winner is Ty-Lor who made steam clams in a That style fish caramel sauce, a good spicy contrast to the tequila.

Elimination challenge: pair up with the person next to you to cook game meats for their assigned famous chefs, who each come with their meat request. Other catch: all the cheftestants will be judges too and there's double elimination. Winners split $10k so that's a positive. Heather gets paired with Beverly, who she hates. This will not work out well for the bitch. Chris Jones is also in the partner shitter by messing up the sweet potatoes and his partner, Grayson, gets pissed when he admits the flaw. Ed and Ty-Lor are named the winning dish for their quail.

The cheftestants have to vote the three worst pairs to send for elimination. To the judge's table go Heather/Bev, Chris Jones/Grayson, an Nyesha/Dakota. Nyesha/Dakota made a great dish (gratin success!) but the meat was too rare. Grayson/Chris cooked the meat well but the dumb chain linked fence of sweet potato was dumb. Beverly/Heather could've been rendered more but didn't feel like a finished dish. Heather throws Bev under the bus as fast as she can, questioning her work ethics. Dakota comes to Bev's defense because Heather's just being a bully, though her argument is that Bev just doesn't have enough self confidence and over-questions. The pair eliminated is Dakota and Nyesha which I think is kinda bullshit but I guess you have to cook meat right in a meat challenge.

Reality Rundown: I Won't Be Happy 'Til the Confetti Falls

2011-12-11T09:22:00.002-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - After sleeping in the Atomium and shoving more Ford product placement in, the teams have to dress as detectives from the Tintin comics, realize who they are, and find a Tintin mural. What's funny is they didn't attempt to make this a movie product placement yet shove Fords down our fucking throats. The snowboarders get a good idea and Google what they look like, but fail when they think they're Charlie Chaplin. Others have the good fortune of finding people that know the comic and characters.

Teams cross the Atlantic to Panama City, Panama and I pray they never have to go to the cesspool of Panama City Beach, Florida the week of spring break. Horrible! Once there, the teams take cabs, then boats in the dark to sign-up for tattoo appointments. It's not real, thankfully, but just paint and it is actually their next clue: San Francisco Bay Towers. It's a Roadblock to cross a tightrope, round-trip, 35 stories high above Panama City. Sandy has to do it, based on the rule that at the end the Road Blocks must be evenly split, and she's afraid of heights.

Teams then have to find a statue to their Detour clue. The Detour this time is to deliver assorted seafood to vendors or make a pair of sandals. All the teams completely misinterpret the next clue on the dancers for the Pit Stop and end up in a totally wrong location. This is a fail on the race's behalf because they made the clue completely horrible and difficult to find. Here's a hint: next time you want to send them to a location and hide it on the dress, don't let them wear other pieces that say another location all over them. Lucky for most teams, Jeremy/Sandy's cab driver gives their cabbies all the correct location. Jeremy and Sandy are team #1 and win a trip to Turks and Caicos. Last place are the snowboarders Andy and Tommy, who drove way to far to a wrong possible Pit Stop. They are last to check in and eliminated from the race. I can never pick a fucking winner.

The Biggest Loser - The final four head home to be greeted by their families and townsfolk where they show off their new bods. They receive DVDs from their trainers that also include the pre-show interviews with their fat selves. This is 30 minutes of filler before we get to the only interesting part: Vinny proposes to his girlfriend at the Grand Ole' Opry. I went there once! Then Antone benches his kids. The trainers eventually visit the losers back at home to make sure they are fucking up their progress. John is still a dick even to his wife. Becky is the only person who goes back to work afterwards, making this a more accurate representation.

Then, the final four return to campus (well the desert) to run their season-ending marathon. Then all the loser losers get off a bus because as you recall, everyone will run the marathon and whoever wins gets a guaranteed spot in the finale. BUT, there's more: Walgreen's is going to give money to the top 5 finishers ranging from $2,500 to $25,000 (for the winner). Big stakes! Old lady Bonnie isn't running which I know surprises us all. Annoying old man Johnny walks the marathon while wearing a barbershop quartet hat or something. Courtney, who went home week three, is the early leader; Ramon passes her at like mile 9 but Courtney is still close. Dr. Huizenga thinks a lot of the losers are looking horrible which is like duh, these people are not trained marathon runners. He pulls Joe from the race eventhough Joe wants to finish his last 5 miles; he refuses. Smart move for that torn ACL. Ramon wins the marathon, gets $25k, and a spot in the finale. Rounding out the top five are Courtney, John, Jessica, and Patrick.

Final on-campus weigh-in! The final four are duking it out for the remaining two spots in the finale since Ramon snagged the first slot. No America's vote- yay! John gets all dickish and says he won't be happy til he's pulling confetti out of his hair. Bob admires John's competitive nature. Joining Ramon in the finals are... John and Antone. Vinny and Becky are eliminated which is a bummer cause I guess I liked them. I didn't really care; I had no one I was routing for this season.

Survivor: South Pacific - Cochran realizes he got used and abused by Upolu. Ozzy is confident he's going back into the game. Their duel is to retrieve balls in bags, which will then by used for a table maze. Cochran comes so close but fucking Ozzy wins again. Cochran's not totally bitter because he lived and breathed Survivor now and all the moments he's seen on TV he's now experienced. It brings him to tears.

More tears come rolling because after a tree mail cell phone pre-game, the loved ones are on the island to visit. Instead of a competition, Ozzy gets to choose whose loved one sticks around for the day. Ozzy chooses Albert, Coach, and Brandon to get family time. Do we have to give Coach fucking everything? The families will head to Redemption Island with Ozzy, and the cameraphone, to takes pics. Best moment: Coach says being on Survivor is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Says the guy whose been on THREE TIMES. Also, Coach proposes a secret final three deal with Ozzy when he likely returns to the game. Brandon's dad is like, screw the god stuff and play for the million. Brandon's dad decides his son's game sucks so much that HE tries to get Coach to bring Brandon to the end.

The immunity challenge is to flip puzzle pieces to make a path and not step on the same tile twice. The best part is the big ass puzzle is shaped like a pineapple which reminds me on Psych. Jeff makes some metaphor about it being like the game of making big moves early to get the biggest piece. Edna tries her damndest since she knows she's the outsider without immunity this is her last day. It's pretty clear she knows she's next too since Brandon tells her everyone is gunning for her elimination. Well Coach wins immunity so Edna is fucked.

Edna feels like a second-class citizen on the tribe, excluding herself from prayer circle since she knows Brandon doesn't want her in the tribe. The tribe doesn't like Brandon's big mouth and wishes he had some tact, but I guess they forget he's a Hantz. Edna tries to campaign against Brandon to Coach, Sophie and Albert and uses Brandon's horrible, inconsistent actions regarding honor and integrity to help defend herself. Edna even tries to get Coach to play his idol, but he declines. All the scrambling doesn't matter because at Tribal Council the core group of five vote off Edna.

Top Chef: Texas - This week's Quickfire is a saucier test where the chefs draw knives of different types of "mother sauces" and make a dish with a personal spin on the sauce. I enjoy seeing the judges scoff at when someone doesn't use a roux. The winner of the Quickfire is Grayson's ravioli and beschamel.

The Elimination Challenge is to work as one big team to make a four-course steak dinner for 200 people, in which two courses must include steak and must be cooked medium rare. The challenge winner gets some Toyota car too because we need more product placement so badly. During prep, Ty-Lor cuts his hand up all nasty and bleeds on his marrow bones. As if they weren't gross enough. He's in charge of steak cooking though so he's very nervous. No one else is willing to step into the grill leadership role since no one wants to get eliminated. Meanwhile, fat Texan Heather won't STFU about Beverly's shrimp prep and taking a long time.

The Cattle Baron's Ball is being held at Southfork Ranch, so add in lots of dated references to Dallas. Since it's a charity event I love that it's a steak event with a bunch of women who are like "oh, red meat!" and look startled. First course: tomato-watermelon summer gazpacho, which is deemed safe. Second course: grilled New York Strip carpaccia with a tomato and grilled asparagus salad. The steak is great, but the salad is a clunker. Third course gets delayed which means cold, ugly steak. The dish itself a grilled rib eye, braised brussel sprouts, and creamy potato gratin. The steak is overcooked and the gratin sucks. The final course is dessert and they serve up a "right-side up" peach cake, which the judges love but diners aren't so keen on. The dinner is deemed just fine, so I look forward to a hostile judge's table.

The group wonders in the stew room what excuses they should pull out and Heather gets pissy about the shrimp... again. Chris J, Nyesha and Heather are the best this week. Nyesha made an excellent compound butter and sauce that saved the dish. Heather's cake was tasty but the original cake base wasn't hers (it's Ed's). Chris' steak was perfectly cooked and flavorful. The winner is Heather, which delights Ed so much. Ty-Lor, Whitney and Ed are the bottom of the pack. Ty-Lor knows his steaks were overcooked and takes responsibility. Whitney's potato gratin was not ideal given the climate, plus it was undercooked and borderline raw in spots. Ed's asparagus and cherry tomato salad was safe, lazy, and didn't compliment the steak on the plate with it. Tom says tonight was so easy and Whitney is eliminated..

Reality Rundown: The Pagonging is Complete

2011-12-04T12:22:00.001-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - The To Be Continued leg goes on, sending teams to the Ford Proving Grounds (still in Belgium). Ford is THE Ford as in the cars and this Road Block is a giant product placement to drive an "America icon" in tests of speed, slalom, and donut... in Belgium.

Afterwards teams drive to the city of Gent for their Detour: build a floatable raft or assemble a waffle stand and make/decorate perfect waffles. If you get to eat the waffles, I'm all in. The teams are split between the Detours which is good cause I hate when all the teams to one obvious option. The trick of the float is the clue is split in half so you have to retrieve both pieces, which the snowboarders didn't notice. Jeremy and Sandy suck at waffle making and this is the first time I remember their names. If they win this race it would be the least memorable team ever.

At De Muur they have to pigeon race and let a bunch of pigeons free and find the address. I'm totally birdphobic so I fast forward. At the address they get a teeny picture of this Atomium sculpture which teams have to find to check in to the Pit Stop. Andy and Tommy are team #1 and win new Mustangs which they can customize themselves. Last place is Bill and Cathi which I knew since on Sunday night my mom was like "Bill and Sandi..." and I'm like "STOP I haven't watched" and she said "Well you don't know if I was going to say they went home" and I was like "Then why would you bring them up?" Then it took me seven days to watch cause this season is lame.

The Biggest Loser - The losers meet Ali out in the mountains and it's a put the weigh back on challenge, which they do ever year. They strap on weights and drop them as they reach check-in points. Everyone realizes what fatties they once were and they never want to be in that state again. A-hole John is the winner, narrowly beating out Antone, and receives a 1lb advantage.

This boring-ass race just leads to their Progresso Soup sponsored makeovers (plus $5,000) so that they'll look "soup-er." UGH. They get the Pretty Woman hooker treatment on Rodeo Drive, new 'dos with Ken Paves set to annoying music, and get pampered at a spa (gold facial, whaddup). Their looks are revealed on a red carpet to a crowd of extas. Inside the theater? Their families, of course. The losers and their loved ones, some who have slimmed down at home as well, take in a private showing of Cirque du Soleil's Iris. The families also get to stick around the ranch for a bit and meet/get lectured by the trainers. There's one last chance workout which is the last time in the Biggest Loser gym.

Sunny kicks off the weigh-in losing only 1lb, which sets Bob off a bit. John loses 9lbs and gets his 1lb advantage; Dolvett is cheering because he's not getting kicked to the curb yet. Also, hot red blazer on Dolvett. Vinny loses 10lbs, getting him into the final four as well. Below the yellow line are Sunny and Antone, who even though he lost 8lbs it's not a big percentage. Sunny is eliminated which surprises me since I figured John would take the easy way out. Now, everyone goes home and returns for one last weigh-in on campus before the big finale.

Survivor: South Pacific - There's another truel because producers don't understand the word origin of "duel." Ozzy, Whitney, and Dawn balance ceramic dishes on a wobbly arm. It's a mix of bowls and saucers as usual. Dawn, the mom who should be better with dishes, drops first. Whitney drops next which means stupid Ozzy is still in this game. If another three-timers wins this season. Ugh, just no words.

The tribe is cracking now that they have to pick each other apart. Sophie is over Cochran, who really aced prank phone calls as a kid ("I'd like to trade sperm with you.") Cochran notices the tribe is a Manson-like cult, weird prayers and suppressing evil urges. Cochran pleas his case to stay and Albert/Cochran do feel like the owe Coach but Sophie definitely doesn't. Albert is earning the rep of "Prince Albert" for sitting around and doing nothing, though he thinks the people who do laundry and forage are useless too. Edna is just desperate to not be eliminated right after Cochran. Still no one dares consider kicking off Coach. LEMMINGS.

The immunity challenge is a narrow-down sort of thing. Toss sandbacks, then sling coconuts at targets. Whatever, it's lame since it's all rehashed shit. Albert, Rick (who?), and Sophie finish the sandbags in the first three positions so they move onto coconuts. Albert wins immunity, a shower and a massage; he picks Coach to bring along with him but gives his massage up to Cochran as a birthday gift (Lie! His birthday was six months ago!). Hope it has a happy ending.

Back at camp, Cochran and Coach see their shower, massage table, and two unlucky women who will be caressing their creepy bods. Coach and Cochran bond more as Coach sees Cochran as a little warrior. Post-massage, Cochran and Albert talk strategy and Cochran is sure Coach would flip on Rick. Cochran even tells Albert about the new nickname around camp. Edna is down with voting out Rick, anything to give her another three days. Finally Cochran approves a lei-clad Coach to give all the deets about Rick and where the votes could lie at Tribal.

Oh mysterious Tribal, what will happen? Coach feels the game is pretty open-ended and there aren't final deals in place yet. Cochran says he's likely 7th out and hopes Upolu will give him a mercy three days for helping them get to this point. Brandon can't ever keep a secret and blabs that it's either Edna or Cochran, no one else. Then he starts having some ethical dilemma about wanting to do bad things but stopping himself. Uhh, awkward. Sophie talks but then Cochran interjects that basically all that matters now each week is the immunity winner. So is it Cochran or Rick- which side will Coach choose? The Pagonging is complete and Cochran joins the rest of Savaii on the jury.

Top Chef: Texas - Still at the Tejas Rodeo, Padma tells the cheftestants the next morning they'll be departing for Dallas. So long, Alamo references! Into the product placements they go and crank up their "Life is a Highway" (or so I'd assume). But the "highway", which is a completely closed off street, has a cop pulling them over. Of course it's a setup and Padma and famous chef John Besh are standing in the fields for a Quickfire. The task ahead: create a dish using the survival kits packed in the trunks of their cars. So there should've been a tip off when the show was like "Hey, don't put your luggage in the car." Lots of canned goods, no knives, hardly any equipment; what fun. The winning dish is Lindsay's vienna sausage soup and a sandwich made with saltines. Sounds... interesting?

When the cheftestants get to Dallas, they will create a course for a "progressive dinner party" which means they eat one course at each house and then move along. The teams are split randomly by Padma based on where they are standing and eventhough it's teams, they are judged and creating dishes as individuals. Lucky for them, the couples hosting these dinner parties are total richers and have super nice kitchens. The cheftestants are appalled when dessert house guy expresses a passion for gummy bears. SNOBS! Won't lie, I kinda like this progressive dinner party thing. It's like a key party of houses with food. The judges join the party hosts, including some lady who classes it up with some Henna tattoos, and go house to house hatin' on the food (and sometimes liking it). Best part: these richers have no palettes and Tom Coliccio hates everything they like.

Sarah, Grayson, Paul and Dakota are brought into the judges' table first with the best dishes of the night. Two desserts, two apps. Dakota's bread pudding seemed like a large portion, but was a favorite across the board. Grayson made a delicious chocolate dessert. Sarah, I forget what she made. Paul's brussel sprouts were executed well and he wins the challenge. Bottom group: Chris Jones, Ty-Lor, hot Chris, and Chuy. Hot Chris' cupcake was awful- chocolate, strawberry, banana and mint. Too much! Ty-lor's plate was out of proportion and too much food that looked bad. Chuy's salmon was overcooked and the goat cheese developed a weird texture. Chris Jones knew he took a risk making his dish look like a cigar but it wasn't the best use of ingredients. Chuy is the dinner party fail and eliminated.

Charity of the Month for November 2011: Community Servings

2011-11-30T08:57:00.003-05:00

I'm great at donating, bad at blogging. I've been meaning to post for weeks but have been a slacker. Forgive me.

I was riding the train from from work and along with staring at the weird people, I always check out the ads. That's where Pie in the Sky, part of Community Servings, got my attention. Pie in the Sky is their Thanksgiving drive where people can sell pies, donated by restaurants, to raise money for meals to deliver to people with critical and chronic illnesses who cannot shop or cook. Every Thanksgiving you can either buy a pie for your dinner and pick it up or buy a pie that they'll deliver to one of their clients. I was like a day late to donate a pie to someone else so opted instead to donate directly to the organization. Just $25 can provide a week's worth of meals to someone. During these holiday times, it's a small thing that can make a huge difference.

Plus how could Mel Got SERVED not donate to a charity with SERVINGS in its name?

Reality Rundown: 20 Miles to Legoland!

2011-11-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - Teams head to the Hans Christian Anderson statue to retrieve their first clue for this leg of the race. It's a Road Block: memorize a poem, ride a bike with a map on the wheel, and then repeat the poem verbatim in a super dramatic way. Because it's a tourist landmark, Cindy encounters issues reading the poem since a bunch of schmos are blocking the poem. Most teams just can't ride a bike and look at a map on a wheel at the same time. Others need to step up their acting game.

After they finish the poem they head to LEGOLAND! George Michael, 20 miles to Legoland! At Legoland they need to put together some legos while riding a Lego version of the tea cups with a pirate theme. HURL CITY, YO. Sandy almost pukes and almost is no fun when you're watching reality TV. Do it to it, gurl. Once they complete the puzzle, teams have to drive across the border to Hamburg, Germany where I'm hoping there will be a Five Guys eating challenge. Nope, they now have to take a train to Brussels, Belgium which, quel surprise, is an equalizer. At some point, Cindy loses her ticket and we know this because the show does a dramatic zoom in. How do racers never notice their camera person not moving and taking a shot of the ground? Cindy/Ernie don't have enough Euros to buy another ticket and need to get ta thinkin' so they get on the train and decide to see if the conductor can help them reprint while on the train. Oh wait, the conductor never ends up collecting tickets so nothing happens.

The next task is a Brussels from Muscles challenge where they need to get in some skiivies, get a nasty spray tan and oiled up, and perform body building moves. It. is. gross. From day one I'm like, man I can't wait to see the old people in speedos and bikinis so mind read. I don't know if there's any ball slips because of online pixelation but I sure hope there was! Amani and Marcus wisely make the choice to take their time practicing so they get it right the first time. It pays off because they arrive at the mat first except it's to be continued leg! I hate non-elimination legs, but I love to be continued. It lasts forever and they get cranky. Yesss.

The Biggest Loser - The kitchen is covered in plate of delicious Thanksgiving food, which Alison decides is an opportune time to remind us we all eat like shit that day. There's three incentives benefits to this Thanksgiving temptation: $500 per pound lost this week, an at-home gym installed, and a 3lb advantage. They have five minutes to eat as much as they want but it's not about how much you eat, just who has the lowest number on the bottom of the plate. Lowest number gets to pick first, etc. Sunny can't believe everyone is eating and gives into eating to not be the only one not participating. It becomes a little psychological, deciding whether to stick to one dish and or try to get a lower number while perceiving others had a good number and that's why they ate less. The winners are, in order: Vinny 3lb advantage, Becky the home gym, and Antone gets the money for pounds lost.

The big cliffhanger this week is that if John, the last red team member, is eliminated, Dolvett is out. Anna makes her people play tennis. The losers have a Thanksgiving dinner where they say what they're thankful for. Bob likes Sunny best because she reminds him of her sister.

There's a challenge to race one mile on one of those Jacob's Ladder endless staircase machines. Enjoy those calves tomorrow, losers! There are three prizes, a give/get: give the Biggest Loser meal plan to an eliminated contestant (and get some for yourself), $2,500 to give and $2,500 to keep, and a 1lb advantage for yourself and a 1lb disadvantage for someone else. John completes the challenge first and picks the 1lb advantage (he will give the disadvantage at the weigh-in). Sunny comes in second and picks the meal plan (her meal plan to give goes to Bonnie). Ramon rounds out the top three and is given the remaining prize, the money (he also gives $2,500 to Vinny).

At the weigh-in, John gives the 1lb disadvantage to Sunny because it's easier to knock out a woman and Sunny has the potential to lose much more weight. Classy move! John loses only 5lbs (ouch), upped to 6lbs with his advantage (1.94%). Maybe the creepy slicked back hair reduced his weight? Antone wins $4,000 for losing 8lbs. Vinny passes the 100lb mark, making it a special weigh-in for him (11lbs lost plus a 3lb advantage). The two below the yellow line Sunny (lost by 1/100th of a percent thanks to the disadvantage) and Ramon. Sunny is pissed because it's allegedly Thanksgiving week and this is a shitty thing. John gets the chance to save face and keep Sunny, yet still votes her out because he wants to compete against Ramon. What a turd. Based on a tie, Ramon is eliminated for having the lowest weight-loss. Ramon heads home, gets his own makeover, go on a skydiving date. And of course we'll see him propose on the finale.

Top Chef: Texas - The kitchen is filled with tons of super hot chilis and the hotter they are, the more money their worth. This is because if you win the challenge, the hotter chili you use the more money you make (up to $20,000 if you use the ghost chili, the hottest chili in the world). Only one dude (Paul) chooses the ghost pepper for the money and to test his skill, while others choose varying degrees of heat. The risk pays off for Paul, who made a chilled coconut soup with ghost pepper relish; he wins $20,000 and immunity.

The Elimination Challenge is a chili cook-off and all I can imagine is a big bowl of Scott Tenorman chili. The cheftestants are split into teams of three to create one pot of chili and get all night to cook. No time limit? Score! Oh that's because they have to cook it at home, not in the Top Chef kitchen. They will serve their chili at a rodeo and the attendees will select a winner. Along with the raid on the supermarket, the house becomes a shitshow to grab equipment, stuff from the fridge, and a spot to cook. Chili tastes better the longer it cooks so a lot of teams pull all-nighters to get the perfect stew.

The rodeo begins and all the cowpokes start sampling all the chilis. Green team (Sarah, Chuy, Chris C) makes chili con carne, no beans with beef chuck topped with a roasted corn mixture. The flavor gets better as the judges eat it, but wish they had a bread or tortillas for all the extra sauce. Red team's (Dakota, Whitney, Chris J) chili is braised brisket and short rib and just typing that makes me hungry. It's smoky with a fair amount of heat (so kids don't like it) but the texture is a little odd. Blue team (Heather, Edward, Paul) have smoked brisket chili with summer pickles (and topped with pork rinds- ew). Black team (Nyesha, Beverly, Richie) serve chili mole with cornbread, so it has chocolate and cinnamon in it. The cornbread is a pleaser but the chili isn't what they judges necessary wanted. White team (Lindsay, Grayson, Ty-Lor) become mortal Texas enemies when they serve a three bean and beef chili (since beans in chili is a Texas no-no). They have poblano cornbread though and any cornbread is OK by me. The pickled veggies in the chili is divisive amongst the panel.

Padma rides into the rodeo on a horse to announce the winner, selected by the diners, of the chili cook-off. The Green team wins and while I'm sure the chili was great, perhaps Sarah's constant declaration of being an authentic Texan helped. The Black team is named worst chili by the judges. They have a chance to prove they belong in the competition by transforming their losing chili into a winning dish. Beverly makes seared tuna with habenero creamed corn. She is given credit for owning up to the mole by using the sauce while changing the flavor profile. Nyesha serves Frito-encrusted black tiger shrimp with roasted corn salsa. The judges think it lacked sauce and the corn seemed easy. Richie also rocks the Fritos, encrusting a pork tenderloin over potato hash and ricotta cheese chili puree. The judges find it lacking in seasoning, one-note, but made a lot. The person bucked from the Top Chef rodeo is Richie, making his BFF Chris very sad.

Reality Rundown: Bunnies Jumping Hurdles Are Cuter Than Anything Imaginable

2011-11-20T19:15:00.002-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - It's off to Copenhagen, Denmark, a first time ever for the show. Not a first time ever: shoving Ford Focus product placement down our throats. Oh and there's another dumb Double U-Turn will be waiting for them in Denmark. The only thing that could be good is that dumb father/son Laurence and Zac used the U-Turn on Amani and Marcus last week but it didn't matter since they were ahead of them. All teams are on the same flight to Denmark via the Netherlands except for Laurence/Zac who book a different flight via London, which arrives first. Amani and Marcus make the dumb mistake in Amsterdam that everyone will be on the same flight so they go eat and doddle around a Hudson News or something. Wrong! Everyone is way gone and they are stupidly still there.

Who gives a shit about flights though when there's an equalizer, as the clue opens at 7am (well, Marcus and Amani might because their flight lands at 8:20am). When the location opens, teams need to search for two flags that will tell them their next destination: Frederiksborg Slot. The teams deduce that "borg" is castle and a map at the castle incorrectly advises the dating couple to go to some other castle. I don't even know this couple's name but eventually learn it's Jeremy and Sandy; still don't care. This dumb mistake gives Amani and Marcus time to catch up, but then blow it by having horrible sense of direction and an overuse of football metaphors.

At the Slot the teams encounter a Road Block: one person needs to rock a period costume and learn a three-part old timey dance. Zac is horrible at it and takes forever and his dad yaps that he could've done better if he did it because it's "his forte." Well maybe you should fucking volunteered, braggart. After dancing to some hypnotic flutes, the teams perform a Detour: lead a rabbit through a steeplechase course on a leash or churn butter. In case you were wondering, seeing bunnies on leashes completely an agility course is the most adorable thing you will see in your entire life. Churning butter is less adorable and a little more like watching an episode of Gigolos.

Ernie and Cindy finish their tasks first and make it to the Double U-Turn first and use it on Bill and Cathi since they were churning butter together; Ernie isn't a fan of the move. But since Bill and Cathi come upon the Double U-Turn second, they U-Turn Laurence and Zac since they know they were behind them. I am happy about the U-Turn only because everyone was churning butter and neglecting the adorable bunnies since animals are temperamental at challenges. Bill and Cathi nail the course thanks to their newest, cutest pal, Speckles. Amani and Marcus easily get their bunny through the course too which shows that bunny challenges are perhaps the best choice going forward.

Ernie and Cindy head to the Pit Stop, Havet Ship, and finally win a leg (and a trip to Fiji). Jeremy and Sandy get so lost and they seem the obvious elimination choice, or maybe just last place seeing how many non-eliminations there have been. U-Turned Laurence and Zac have a quick course thanks to an encore use of Speckles but then get insanely lost driving and stuck in a massive traffic jam. This mishap allows Jeremy and Sandy to check in as team #5. Laurence and Zac are eliminated from the race.

The Biggest Loser - Alison informs the losers they are competing in a pentathlon all week and teams are gone; singles time! Return of the yellow line! The person who has the most pentathlon points at the end of the week wins immunity; last place in points gets a 1lb disadvantage. Alison, who has been standing by an election curtain, asks the losers to rank each in order of most deserving aka popularity contest and the coolest/least biggest a-hole gets 7pts and so forth. Sunny uses the Sean season 1 of Survivor strategy: alphabetical order. Others do strategy, Bonnie gives better scores to teachers, and John goes by weight-loss. So one event down, four to go!

Event 2 is to retrieve pegs to eliminate other players, so it's about playing the game and removing the threats. Sunny wins the challenge taking out Becky. Event 3 is "Knowledge" which is nutrition trivia. In a question about cheese, Bonnie calls it "mozzarelly" and "provoloney." Antone wins trivia with close to a clean sweep. Event 4 is strength and balance by pulling themselves across a pool while balancing on some bright yellow peanut shaped float thing. Surprise, Bonnie falls immediately. I figured she'd fall on the pool deck so she beat my expectations. Sunny wins her second event, making her a contender for that final prize. Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno comes by to shove Subway sandwiches down our throats. Actually, the losers throats but how annoying. Apolo leads the losers out to event 5, the final event, is to run a mile really fast but Apolo is going to run with them to motivate them. Jeez, maybe they should've hired you instead of the failed athlete. Ramon wins the event and beats his normal mile time.

The highlight of the episode for me is when Dolvett has a talk with John and opens up about his past as a foster child and being adopted. Won't lie, I got verklempt. I love Dolvett. Dolvett encourages John to fight and explains the reason he is pushing John by dropping a medicine ball on his stomach to make him fight. John later opens up to Dolvett about the death of his father and how he did the ceremony. OMG sad.

Weigh-in. First, the results of the popularity contest are given and Antone wins immunity and top of the chart. Sunny's alphabetical order totally effed her over- HAHA! Last place is Bonnie, so she gets a 1lb disadvantage. Bonnie loses 5lbs, which is surprising and shows she doesn't give up (except at attempting to run a mile). Unfortunately, everyone has a really good weight loss week where 5lbs (1.88%) for a woman is kinda low. Bonnie falls below the yellow line with her former teammate Becky (4lbs, 2.15%). Bonnie cries a bunch and I had to have my roommate translate that Bonnie requests to be voted out and to keep Becky.

Survivor: South Pacific - If you play the game three times you should be a master, so Coach's improvement is somewhat awesome. He tries to pacify the remaining Savaiis about Jim being a threat, though Whitney isn't buying Coach's Kool Aid. Cochran admits to sipping it and does a little Dragon Slayer Chi with the man. Coach admits his paranoia and vows to protect Cochran as well.

There's a "duel" between Ozzy, Jim, and Keith to balance poles with a board on top. The winner of the duel sticks around, the two losers because the first two jury members. No one is routing for Ozzy, Whitney is routing for Keith, Coach routes for no one, and others want Jim to win. Well Jim drops out first so bummer there. Keith falls out afterwards meaning Ozzy's fish binge paid odd. He then yaps more about enjoying time alone at Redemption eating fish and getting strong.

Immunity challenge: balance a bowl of rice on their heads across teeter totters and put into a container. Brandon, Dawn, and Sophie are the top contenders in the race. Sophie gets real ballsy and fills her bowl over the rim. This extra rice adds lots more weight and tilts her rice scale to victory. No reward or anything but there's a big twist coming to Tribal Council and Jim won't announce it til either.

Dawn is desperate to stay and Cochran is open to flipping again and rejoining Dawn and Whitney, which he thinks will make him look better to the jury. After the immunity challenge, Cochran double checks with Coach that Dawn and Whitney are the targets. Cochran is smart enough to think ahead that the twist could be an immediate immunity challenge and another vote and sees he could be in trouble. Dawn and Whitney aren't rolling over and decide Albert would be the best bet at a logical player. Albert's open to this because it gets him in good Savaii graces on the jury, takes out Coach's bottom bitch, and makes Cochran feel appreciated and higher up the food chain. How does Albert convince Cochran? By telling him Cochran is definitely looking at seventh place and he buys it (whether it's true or not, who knows). Albert and Cochran approach Sophie to help make this Edna plan happen and Sophie's torn about being a swing vote. Coach sees the scrambling and is not pleased and threatens "instant death" to those who "go against the family."

Tribal time! The pecking order is the discussion because Savaii is getting Pagonged and Jeff doesn't believe Cochran isn't thinking ahead further. Coach denies being the tribe leader and Whitney rolls her eyes cause it's so obvious Coach is the don of his scrappy little mafia. Jeff talies the votes and my main lady Dawn is heading to Redemption Island to eat fish and fruit with Ozzy. What a waste of exciting editing.

Cochran's earlier suspicions are correct and there is an immediate immunity challenge and vote happening at Tribal. The super quick immunity challenge is survival trivia questions with a wrong answer being immediate elimination. #1 target Whitney comes very close to winning immunity, but Sophie beats her in a final true/false question. Whitney is then quickly voted off. Next week, Cochran will probably go and it'll be a full Pagonging of the Savaii tribe.

Top Chef: Texas - Audition bullshit is finally over and now it's time for the good shit: Quickfire. And the first real Quickfire: cook some rattlesnakes. And I won't even dignify reusing the Snakes on a Plane line Padma drops. Soooo 2007. Bottom: Paul, Richie (too much citrus), Nyesha (overcooked rattlesnake). Best: Beverly, Dakota (beer battered, yum!), and Sarah. The winner of the Quickfire is Dakota, who gets $5,000 and immunity.

The cheftestants draw knives to be put into two teams: pink and green. Their client is a 15 year old girl having her Quincenera which is like a Sweet 16 except a year earlier and Spanish. They have to cater the event and since it's a birthday party there has to be a cake. Ding dong Keith botches immediately for the pink team by purchasing cooked shrimp for a cooking competition dish. Uhh, duh. The blame should go to the others too for not saying anything. There's some team friction with Keith who just wants to compete and skip the bickering. Green team has an authentic Mexican on their team to validate flavors so score one for green.

Pink team's dishes are: avocado fritter, pork tenderloin with pineapple salsa, ceviche with some popcorn, choclo con chile, enchiladas with salsa verde, carne asada, cochinita pibil, and a cake with strawberry and pineapple. The green team serves: pork carnita charrone, shrimp ceviche with yuca chip, tomatillo gazpacho, empanadas, goat birria, beef short rib asada, pulled chicken mole, and a vanilla tres leches cake that's got a crazy lean on. All in all, Blanca has a pretty sweet birthday, wears a big pretty dress, and gets to be on TV.

The winning team is the green team, meaning crybaby Beverly is safe (ugh). The obvious target is Keith, the cooked shrimp purchaser. They call in Ty Lor, Sarah, Lindsay and Keith to the judge's table; they are the least favorite dishes. A lack of leadership and poor menu planning are cited as main reasons for the downfall. The cooked shrimp comes up quickly and Hugh thinks it was a dumb move and deserved the lashing he got. Ty Lor's corn fritter was dry. The storebought tortillas Lindsay used sucked. Keith gets flack for using a flour tortilla for his empanadas, since you use corn tortillas. Sarah is like "I grew up in Texas and never use flour tortillas" and the judges are like, um shouldn't you have spoken up? Sarah is this season's Lisa- WHO BURNED MY RICE? Considering Lindsay lived in Mexico and failed, it's kind of a strike for her right off the bat. The first to go is Keith and his crummy empanadas and shrimp buying skills.

Reality Rundown: No One Curr About Fish

2011-11-13T14:20:00.001-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • Top Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - I hate to be a Debbie Downer but watching TAR this season is like homework to me. This week the teams take a bus to the town of Salima for their clues and are warned there's a Double U-Turn ahead. Angry Mel alert! A team is still in the race because of last week's non-elimination so they have to complete a Speed Bump and there's the possibility for two teams to get screwed over, or the non-elimination team to get royally screwed. This show is so poorly planned this season. The bus doesn't depart until 7am so, surprise, Amani and Marcus are able to catch up with the pack and cut the line to get onto the same bus.

Amani and Marcus are immediately greeted by their Speed Bump when they arrive in Salima: solve a slide puzzle. Finally, a Speed Bump that is challenging and not like "drink this glass of water." The rest of the teams jump right into the Road Block, which is to operate a bike taxi and drop off a customer. Would be a lot nicer if they got a banana seat. Jennifer finishes the task but doesn't have her clue since she left it with her brother, meaning she's stumped what to do after she's dropped off his passenger. She is wandering around hoping to see another team rather than, I don't know, find your goddamn brother, get the clue, and start over?? It takes her ages to make that decision which was to come back anyways or something.

Next task is the Detour to paddle canoes or unload cargo from a ferry boat, walking in the ocean. In case you can't decide, the most obvious choice is the canoes since the cargo is to unload a shitload of stuff and people. The show didn't even put fucking effort into this and instead made an obvious Double U-Turn fuck-over task. Can you tell I'm over this shadow, a shadow of what it once was? Ernie and Cindy can't operate a foreign canoe and opt to use their Express Pass to skip the canoe (and the lugging) and avoid being U-Turned. Amani and Marcus are the true geniuses that do the unload the cargo. Did I mention they have to carry PEOPLE TOO? They end up getting ahead of a few times so I guess it's not too hard to lift people and cabbage when you're a former NFL player.

Ernie and Cindy reach the Double U-Turn first and instead of stickers there are touchscreens to use technology to fuck other people over. Laurence/Zac (the father/son team) try to U-Turn Amani and Marcus but haha shitheads, they were there just before you! It's an Ernie/Cindy and Andy/Tommy footrace battle to get to the Pit Stop first. It's so close, pretty much the only exciting thing to happen all season; Andy and Tommy are team #1 when they get checked in by Malawi's Coolio doppelganger. Andy and Tommy win $15,000; I am one step closer to an accurate winner prediction. Justin and Jennifer are way behind thanks to the setback and for once, there's no a goddamn non-elimination and they are out of the race.

The Biggest Loser - Ramon is crushed they sent his girlfriend home. The loser explain their vote was because Jessica was strong and a "threat" which some people don't like that the competition angle came up. Joe thinks he made the best decision for the blue team, but Ramon isn't hearing it. If the game is going to be played, dear god let Ramon throw the weigh-in!

Alison shows up not to the losers but to the trainers. This week, only one loser per team will represent their team on the scale and the trainers will have to select. The trainers have until the weigh-in to decide so I guess the best worker of the week (or the fattest person left) will be their choice. The trainers are there to benefit everyone though and give equal time, perspiration, and therapy chats to each team member.

All the losers and trainers head to the Art Institute of California's Los Angeles school for a challenge. The teams, along with their trainers, have to whip up a healthy dish in 30 minutes and be judged by Biggest Loser winner Olivia and Devon Alexander, the author of all the Biggest Loser cookbooks that people drain their money on. The prize for this challenge is super lame: a private chat with Olivia and their recipe in the new cookbook. There's also 1lb advantage, so that's a decent prize that makes up for the other junk. The winning team is Bob and the black team's pork medallions and slaw, which had only 210 calories. Impressive! The black team enjoys their victory lunch with Olivia and get scrapbooks made by their families.

Weigh-in. The trainers have to select their weigh-in loser before everyone climbs on the big fake scale. The "lucky" losers: Becky (black), Joe (blue), and John (red). John loses 10lbs (3.04%) and isn't happy; turns out old lady Bonnie did much better percentage wise. Becky loses 6lbs for the black team along with the 1lb advantage (3.65%), which leaves her team unscathed. Bob is mastering this season. Anna made a wise choice not picking Sunny (2lbs) and Ramon loses only 6lbs. Only Joe's weight loss masters in terms of the game this week and he loses only 2lbs and they are up for elimination. The black and red team get to decide who goes home from the blue team between Joe and Sunny. Joe is eliminated from the game and feels a little betrayed. You mean like when you kicked off Ramon's girlfriend last week?

Survivor: South Pacific - Post-Tribal, Ozzy and Cochran talk solo and Cochran explains it wasn't a revenge vote but him playing the game he's loved for 11 years. Then Whitney asks if Cochran was the vote (um, dingaling, he admitted it a Tribal) and Whitney is pissed and is "disgusted" by him. The Upolu embrace the sad ginge. Coach later performs his Dragon Slayer Tai Chi on the beach and gets a shaky fist. Perhaps he's shaking his fist at the tribe name: TE TUNA.

Immunity challenge this early? Oh yes because it's Double Tribal Council night! The first immunity challenge is in stages: toss coconuts, first four to finish then crack coconuts and spit water into a tube Double Dare style. Physical challenge! I was routing for Dawn, who each week surprises me. Instead Jim of the former Savaii tribe wins immunity. Ozzy is screwed.

Coach and Ozzy talk because Ozzy knows he's done. Coach doesn't mind the desperation pleas but is also like ehh too little, too late, love your Jesus hair. Dawn does some ass-kissing in case her name comes up and considers flipping again. Jim and Whitney bitch about Cochran flipping. Jim proposes to Ozzy that he'll give Ozzy his immunity necklace tonight to try to get everyone else to vote out Cochran. Wow, this is dumber than Ozzy's original Redemption Island plan.

Tribal Council. Savaii makes their arguments to show that they always saved Cochran and he's dishonorable. Jim makes his "epic speech" about getting rid of turncoats, wanting to give the immunity to Ozzy, blah blah. Coach has no plans to change the game and thinks getting rid of Cochran would send the message if you stand up for yourself you lose. Ozzy uses his god awful "I feed the tribe" argument. No one gives a flying fuck about the fish Ozzy. After talking such a big game, Jim keeps his immunity necklace and Ozzy is sent to Redemption Island. Again. Ozzy joins Keith at Redemption Island and dives deep into the reef to catch a gigundo fish for them to feast on. Oh jeez, maybe they should've kept you on the tribe!!!

Immunity challenge 2! They have to balance on a beam while balancing a ball on a bow. For the arrogant players, they can sit out the challenge and feast on breakfast goodies: muffins, donuts, iced coffee. Coach is torn because he should compete but he is hungry. Only Jim, Dawn and Whitney compete in the challenge; all of Upolu and Cochran binge-eat on donuts. HAHA AWESOME. Best moment: Probst asks Coach if he regrets not doing the challenge and Coach just begins to laugh with a mouthful of donut. Dawn claims she'll stay up as long as she can so Upolu can stuff their faces because they're "one tribe." Kiss ass! Dawn ends up bobbling and falling and Whitney wins immunity.

Cochran dances around camp wearing Coach's gaudy blazer. Jim thinks Cochran is playing a great game for third place and is confident he's out. Jim approaches Sophie and Albert, who he believes aren't drinking the cultist Kool Ad, with a plan to get rid of Edna. Albert appreciates the effort but would much rather get rid of likable, friendly Dawn, who is making friends with Upolu and getting in with the alliance. A tribe talk has Coach trying to evaluate whether to get rid of the snake (Dawn) or the rhinoceros (Jim).

Tribal Council. Jim is physical, Dawn is likable (and pretty physical, too). Brandon doesn't buy Dawn's earlier kind words after she contradicts herself and feelings about the breakfast feast. Brandon is ready to pick off all of Savaii one-by-one, excluding Cochran. Whitney cries about being vilified. In the Savaii sacrifice, it's Jim meeting up with his bros at Redemption Island.

Top Chef: Texas - More audition round qualifiers- gahhhh. The "final" group (because we know the kinda-rejects will cook again tonight) have to decide as a group who will cook with each ingredient. There's octopus, brussell sprouts and most importantly: RICE! WHO BURNED MY RICE?!?!? There's one more twist: under another silver platter, each person gets a timer with different time allotments to cook. The people with 20 minutes are not pleased! Moving on: Paul (grilled trout), Lindsay (braised veal), and some other chick whose name I missed (Korean style octopus). Bubble chefs: Andrew (roasted mushrooms), Laurent (duck). There's another rice failure when the risotto dude fails to plate.

The bubble chefs are freed from the stew room afters hours of judging each others' merits. There are two slots left and the buble chefs have one more qualifier to get in. The almost-cheftestants can use any ingredients to make a dish that proves why they should be here. This guy Edward really slices his hand up and while he wants to jump in right away, the medics clean his shizz up first. Blood free duck, please! Coats go to Grayson (bacon wrapped shrimp with fig) and Edward (bloody duck dude). Thank god auditions are over cause this is dullsville to recap.

Reality Rundown: Enough GD Non-Elimination Legs

2011-11-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: South Pacific • New! Top Chef Texas

The Amazing Race - The teams finally leave Thailand and fly to Malawi, Africa (home of Madonna's baby!) And whaddayaknow it's an equalizer with everyone on the same exact flight. Their clue takes them to a tobacco warehouse to pick up the next clue: a Roadblock. One teammate will have to transport 10 bales of tobacco through the warehouse using a little dolly. The actual workers of the warehouse are the only distraction, cheering and singing as the racers complete the task. It's fun to see how excited they are. The old folks and Amani/Marcus are at the back of the pack due to crappy seats on the plane and bad cabbies. For a big dude, Marcus sucks at pushing the little cart and the team that departed first from the Pit Stop is now dead last.

After haulin tobaccey, teams take cabs to Memorial Tower to retrieve the next clue. The clue is a Detour to sew up seams on a coat and pants or to head to a local school and build two children's toy trucks. I'd do the trucks just to give back to the kids with a fun toy, but the suits would also be helpful so it's a win-win. Ernie/Cindy and old folks Bill/Cathi do the sewing which isn't too hard but a little tricky to find. Jeremy and Sandy finish the toys first and head to the next clue at a wooden furniture shop.

The teams need to pick up two beds at the furniture stop and transport them on a truck to the next Pit Stop. No beds, well they'll have nothing to sleep on and get a penalty. Sibling team Justin and Jennifer are team #1, but didn't pay the truck driver that helped with the beds. This means Andy and Tommy, who arrived seconds after, are team #1 (again!) and win a trip to the British Virgin Islands. Amani/Marcus end up behind thanks to a broken down cab on the way to the Detour. They kind of catch up and eventhough Bill/Cathi have the didn't-pay-the-driver-blunder too, Amani and Marcus are last to check in. Oh but who gives a shit because there's a third non-elimination leg and who the fuck cares there's no stakes on this race.

The Biggest Loser - The age-based teams and gone and now Anna will be able to get people of a variety of ages eliminated. To get their new teams, the losers put on their original age shirts and meet up with Samantha Gene Brady. The nine are split into groups of three and have to guess calories of dishes. If you come closes you pick first, second picks second, third gets stuck with Anna (cause we KNOW that's what'll happen). In the end a young, middle, and old will end up on each team. The new teams are: Jessica, John, Bonnie with Dolvett; Vinny, Antone, Becky with Bob; Ramon, Sunny, and Joe stuck with Anna. Ramon doesn't like Anna for her stupid personal comments last week so this should be awesome. Now Joe picked Anna not for her hot bod or training abilities: he chose based on the members of the team. Now did he mean they would be a strong team or that he could beat the other two? We'll see.

Right off the bat, Ramon airs his grievances with Anna for being a buttinski. Joe just continues to insist Bob knows him so well and Anna will fail. Anna tries to explain that they can't be addicted to trainers, they need to do this on their own. Then she tells Joe to not be a crybaby. Anna kicks her teams' asses to show she's the boss. John, now on Dolvett's red team, breaks down in tears in Bob's arms. O. M. G. You're insane. Dolvett brushes it off and is ready for the challenge of working out losers in different age ranges and skills. Antone is a little mopey with Bob because he misses the old team. Again, get over it. Not bitching? Bonnie! She's free of Anna, loves Dolvett, and has an emotional breakthrough about finding love again.

The challenge is most awesome: slip 'n slides! They'll sliiiiide down, pick up blocks, and use these blocks to spell out the prize they want. Bonnie takes her time down the slide so that her teammates can do the puzzle and she cries at the end? Another fake injury? Nope, overwhelmed with joy. The blue team wins with "Immunity for 1" and the black team is just seconds behind (they were shooting for "3lb advantage"). Blue team has only five minutes to choose who gets immunity and are all boo-hoo we all want immunity. Well maybe you should've read the puzzle right. They rock/paper/scissors for it and Joe gets immunity.

Weigh-in! We learn a twist this week is that the two winning teams will vote one person off the losing team. Dolvett's red team puts up some great numbers (3.84%), with John dropping 15lbs- crazy! The black teams heads to the scale and all hit double digits (4.15%)- crazy x2! For Blue, Sunny and Ramon put up great numbers and it's up to immune Joe to not screw over the team. Joe drops big weight too and gives the blue team safety (4.91%). Goddamn, now I can't make Anna sucks jokes. Dolvett ends up the losing trainer again and it's time for the blue and black teams to vote off a red teamer. I figured it was a pretty obvious vote with Bonnie heading home. Except the votes aren't coming out in Jessica's favor and she's eliminated. Ramon ain't happy, especially with his new teammates.

Survivor: South Pacific - Savaii starts planning for post-merge. Keith is passive aggressive and Cochran agrees to be the double agent that will pretend to flip on his tribe. Ozzy, over at Redemption Island, tells Christine that Cochran played the idol which eliminated him from the game. Will the move pay off?

In a weird twist that clearly screams "tribe merge!", everyone is invited to watch today's duel between Christine and Ozzy. Ozzy puts on a pissed off show while Cochran plays sad sap loser; Upolu doesn't buy it. The duel is to construct a long ass stick to collect keys to unlock locks. We've seen this a bunch of times. And of course, Ozzy's master plan could come to fruition, because indeed the winning playing will re-enter the game. After kicking ass for many days alone, Christine loses the duel. This means Ozzy's ballsy move pays off and Savaii might've pulled off something amazing. If anything, this is a huge selling point for Ozzy should he make the finale.

The newly merged tribe gets their feast and crushes some brews. Coach and Cochran have a little chat and he tells Coach the tribe hates him. Coach isn't stupid and completely calls Cochran out on everything and can tell it's some BS story and it was a bold move that played off and Savaii will be drawin' rocks next Tribal. Coach said if it's true Cochran felt ostracized, join the Upolu side and change the game. Cochran is not sure what to do: he actually trusts Upolu but reciprocates the trust from Ozzy and gives the immunity idol back. Cochran and his Savaii tribemate Dawn talk about their outcast status and worries about backstabbing the tribe, however Savaii treated Cochran like shit and she feels bad for not standing up for him.

First individual immunity challenge and what a second, there are two necklaces! One man and one woman will win immunity. They have to balance a coconut on an ever-expanding rope. This could be huge for Cochran and Dawn! Or just Dawn since she wins immunity for the girls while Cochran barely outlasts first-out Edna. Oh lordy, Cochran. The men comes down to Ozzy and hot Albert balancing their coconut. Albert drops and Ozzy wins immunity.

The Savaii 6 chat who to vote for and choose Rick after considering Sophie. If both tribes go 6/6 then you have to draw rocks and whoever pulls the purple rock goes home. Cochran tells Sophie the Savaii plan and Cochran might be wavering- it's hard to tell. Cochran just doesn't want to get jumped gang style after Tribal. Dawn and Cochran chat and he's thinking of flipping his vote once they get to a second re-vote.

Tribal- gaaaaaah what'll happen. So it's an obvious fact that there will be a 6-6 tie and likely it'll be up to fate to choose who is eliminated. I'm trying to pay attention but all I can think is "pull some fucking rocks!!!!" The immunity idol is a question and Albert points out Ozzy's horrible acting skills. Ozzy says WE, his tribe, have the idol. Ozzy plays the idol at the vote, or rather he gives it for Whitney to play. One problem: all the votes are for Keith so that didn't work. The votes are tired between Keith and Rick so there is a re-vote and you can only vote for Keith or Rick. The votes come in 7-5... Keith is eliminated. Cochran immediately admits he flipped and says he'll explain. He's called a coward by his team and Brandon defends him and says that's what you get for talking to people like that. Wow, SERVED. But then I feel SERVED because Keith's not out-out... Redemption Island still exists. Oh FML.

New! Top Chef Texas - 29 chefs meet up at the Alamo because it's Texas and you need to shove a Texas landmark in within the first 25 seconds or this season is shit. They will split into groups of three and then compete to make it into the top 16. The potential cheftestants head to the Top Chef kitchen for their first quickfire, hosted by head judge Tom Coliccio and new judge Emeril Lagasse. The teams will need to create dishes using the different cuts of a full pig (which they need to butcher themselves) and then majority rules when judging their dishes. You're either in, our, or on the bubble and will need to compete again. Those who make the grade get their navy blue Top Chef coat.

First group, which is like 90% chefs from Chicago. Some asshole guy, whose name I could care less to learn, brags the whole time and then ruins pork tenderloins and other meat. Tom is like, go, please go, you're cut. YAY! Two of the chefs competing are actually colleagues at the same restaurant and help each other. Coats go to: Chris (for an interesting take on pork and applesauce), some chick who made crispy pork skin, Nyesha (braised pork shoulder with TexMex flavors), Heather (baby back ribs over grits), Richie (onion soup with pig ears). On the bubble are cruise chef Molly (soup) and Grayson (itty bitty stuffed pork tenderloin). They will compete another time to maybe get the 16th slot.

Group 2 quickfire: all ten must pick the same ingredient and make a dish using it. The group picks rabbit and I weep on the inside. I thought Padma was the ultimate fail at pronouncing Tyler until I saw a dude's name was actually Ty-Lor. My apologies, Padma. Who gets coats: Whitney, Keith (cold rabbit and corn salsa), Dakota (rabbit creppinettes), Ty-Lor (confit rabbit leg with a side of sweet mustache), Chris (confit rabbit, best cooked of the day according to judges), and Chuy (adobo marinated rabbit). Bubble: Ed, Janine (rabbit nugget over grit and hash).

But wait, there are still nine chefs we haven't seen and bubble people. NEXT WEEK DORKS.