How do you know you don’t want to do them?

You aren’t doing them.

Have you noticed yourself not doing a to-do? But still thinking you want to/should do it, so you don’t take it off your to-do list?

One of my favorite techniques is to keep moving it from one day to the next. Ya know. Because I’ll definitely do it tomorrow! And it just keeps not getting done as I move it off today’s list and on to tomorrow’s list.

Again.
And again.
And again.

Why do we do this? What will magically happen that would increase the odds that the to-do will get done tomorrow?

It depends on why we keep avoiding doing it and why we keep thinking we will/should do it.

When I notice myself moving a task to the next day on-repeat, I have started to ask myself a series of questions and maybe they’ll help you figure out what to do about that task.

If you have a to-do that just won’t get done, here are some questions to help figure out WHY:

1. Why is it on my to-do list?

Do I know why I am doing it?
Am I clear on how that task moves me forward?
Is it aligned to a vision I am clear on?

2. Is it a should?

Did someone else create the to-to/tell me to do it?
I am I aligned to that person’s goal/vision?
Do I actually want to do it?

3. Is this something I DO want to do, but I’ve written a full-on project as one to-do task?

Do I keep avoiding it because I don’t know where to start?

Is any of this resonating with you?

If you have a to do that you keep NOT doing, start by thinking about why you don’t want to do it (as evidenced by the fact that you aren’t doing it).

This doesn’t mean you will always not want to do it, but just that there is something currently blocking your path to get there.

Here’s what to do to figure out what’s blocking that to-do from getting done:

1. Get clear about the result you want from the task.

This might be a vision problem. You might not be doing the task because you don’t understand (yet) how it aligns with who you want to be or what you want to have in your life. A common example of this for me is working out. If you keep putting it on your to-do list, why? Why do you want to work out? What is the result you want from that? Focus on THAT and be realistic about what you are willing to do to get that result. I may say I want 6 pack abs (I don’t) or to run a half marathon (also no), but am I actually willing to do what it would take to get that result?

Do I know what it would take?

Maybe the lack of clarity is based on a lack of a strategy that you are willing to undertake.

It’s vital not to delude ourselves on what we are actually WILLLING to-do–it’s not just about what we say we want.

If this is the stuck, adjust the vision or the action step of the to-do to align.

2. It might be that you resent the to-do.

Maybe it was your idea and you resent having written it down.

Or it’s possible it was someone else’s idea, and you honestly just don’t want to do it.

If so, this may warrant a conversation with the person impacted by you not getting it done. Be clear about the vision you want in that relationship and trust me when I tell you that if you aren’t doing the thing you said you were going to do (repeatedly) the impacted person or people are probably also resentful that you keep not doing it. It won’t secretly go away.

Be clear about if you will or won’t do it and why and let that person or people know. On the other hand, it’s possible you wrote a to do down with every intention of doing it and now some kind of mindset around fear or belief that you can actually accomplish it keeps coming up. If you DO want to do the thing, consider Step 3.

3. If you want to do the to-do and keep getting aggravated or shaming yourself for moving it from day-to-day-to-day, stop.

If you are clear that you want to do it and why (aligned to who you want to be or what you want to have), it might be a strategy problem.

Have you written down a project instead of a step?
If so, break it down into each, tiny step and write THOSE on your to-do list.

Would it help to have a mentor give you some perspective?
Do you need some new information on a strategy that would work to get it done? What have other people done?
Stop doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Try something else.

If you find yourself moving the same item on your to-do list to tomorrow’s to-do list….stop.

There’s a reason you keep putting it on your list. And there’s a reason you aren’t doing it.

Maybe you keep moving it because you don’t actually want to do it.

Free yourself from getting it done if it doesn’t move you forward towards the vision you have of a life you would really love.

And help yourself get it done by asking what is in the gap between writing it down and it being done-it might be a gap in vision, mindset or strategy.

(Top photo by Eden Constantino on Unsplash – thanks!)
(Bottom photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash-thank you!)

The post Stop putting things on your to-do list you don’t want to do first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

If you have ever tried to celebrate the holiday season with multiple groups of family members, this is for you. There IS a way to actually get to hang out with the people you love around the holidays in a more fun and less stressful way.

This idea developed over a few decades in our family, starting with the year when my husband I were newly married, and we attended four Thanksgiving dinners in the same day.

Four.

Thanksgiving dinners.

In the same day.

We thought we were gonna die.

But when you have multiple family units and you want to see them all (and, let’s be honest, not have anyone be mad at you for not spending time with them), it’s what you do. Well, it’s what we did because we were young and dumb. (My apologies to past me.)

Maybe you can relate to the joy and trials of wanting to be with different family groups for the holidays.
And maybe you are eager to discover another way of celebrating with those you love in a less crazy way.

Read on.

Fast forward from those poor, over-stuffed newlyweds about 20 years on the eve of the holiday season AND an imminent foreign move that would take our (now) family of five to celebrating American Thanksgiving in not America (and far away from family for 6 months).

Enter: my brilliant niece. (The next generation is the one that will save us from ourselves in so many leveled up ways, you guys.)

We were all sad that our trip departure was the week before Thanksgiving. So, my brilliant niece suggested we celebrate Thanksgiving the week before.

This isn’t the brilliant part (standby for that). This is pretty standard when families want to be together but cannot for any specific holiday. You just pick a different day to celebrate that holiday.

But what she said NEXT was the brilliant part: Let’s celebrate Thanksgiving, AND Christmas AND New Year’s all together that weekend!

And so, Holidaypalooza was born. A time where family gathers to celebrate the holidays, but not on the holidays, in quick succession.

It took us a year or two to realize what we had our hands on. But eventually, we understood the magic of getting to be with one group of family we loved for the holidays via Holidaypalooza AND getting to celebrate the day of the holiday with another group of family or friends (or in our own home) and it became evident that we were brilliant.

We started with a core group of about 14 people, and with marriages and births we are ever expanding (including our newest married couple who doesn’t have to do multiple Thanksgiving meals/Christmas celebrations between their new families, you’re welcome).

Here’s how it works:

1. We pick a date that covers 3 days where we can all be there.

This is actually the hardest part. Planning months in advance helps. Working ahead of Thanksgiving can help, aiming for earlier in November. So far, this has mostly worked for everyone to be there the whole weekend, but there have been a few times when a person is only there for part of it. We work really really hard to find a date that works for everyone. It’s a priority for us all, so that also helps.

2.  We host at one location.

If most of the family you’d include lives in a similar geographic area, I still think it’s way more fun all being in the same house, like a giant sleepover.

My brilliant niece has ended up hosting it every year until now. This year, we are going for a massive upgrade to keep her family from bearing the brunt of hosting all of us for so many days (we share the cooking and cleaning workload, but being host is just inherently a lot of work).

And we ran out of bed and floor space this year with our growing numbers.

So, she suggested we find a house to rent on VRBO on Airbnb that could accommodate all 20 of us.

(Shoutout to Utah for being geographically convenient for our people coming from 3 adjacent states AND having a lot of homes that can host a ton of people.)

Holidaypalooza is an iterative process, so we’ll see what we learn this year that will make next year’s event easier and enable us to focus on time together and not logistics.

Also, did we all get matching pajamas this year? Yes. Yes we did.

3. Commit to the bit.

It’s important that you realize it’s all a bit ridiculous and press in accordingly. This is not the time for those traditions you might get miffed about if they don’t go just right. We have found a balance between doing those things you really want to do with the group (like a fun white elephant gift exchange or Christmas craft that scales up to 20 people well) and avoiding those that work well in a more intimate setting (like going around the table and each person sharing what they are thankful for). But it IS a time to do silly festive things that are great with a mixed ages and interests crowd.

The best pro tip I can give you is this: Assign the organizing and running of the event to a handful of the Eldest Daughters.

Give them love and support and be manual labor, but it’s best to have a small group of powerful, wise, get ‘er done people in charge of the festive chaos. They organize meals and some of the activities ahead of time and assign the cooking and clean up tasks.

This year, with increased travel time for all of us, we are planning on 4 days. This is how the schedule looks:

Day 1 – Travel/Arrival Day

Day 2 – Thanksgiving, then Christmas Eve

Day 3 – Christmas, then NYE

Day 4 – Depart/Travel Day

Remember, the point of Holidaypalooza is to gather, celebrate, and hang out. Focus on good food and don’t over plan it. It’s meant to decrease stress and just get to enjoy being together. The stakes are low because it’s not the actual holiday, which means things don’t have to be perfect. They can be looser and a bit more casual, if that’s your vibe.

Embrace the crazy sleepover/holiday craziness! It’s also a unique opportunity to learn a lot about your family and be as close as only 20 people sharing 5 bathrooms can be.

Happy Holidays!

The post Holidaypalooza: family holiday gathering with less stress and more fun! first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

As I write this, it is just about 8 weeks until the New Year. And if you’re anything like most people, you can feel the productive work energy starting to, well, stop for the year. Maybe you’ve got a few weeks of focus left, but after Halloween it’s basically Christmas, with the New Year a quick beat behind.

But what if you chose to keep going on the goals you would really love to make progress on THIS year?

It’s not even so much about what you get accomplished (though let’s not negate that), but more importantly: what version of yourself do you get to be as you arrive at the end of this year?

What would make you proud of yourself and show evidence of your growth this year?

What action would be informed by the version of you who keeps going?

Where would you love to say: I didn’t know I could do that!

You don’t have to slow down. (And a note that I am all for INTENTIONAL rest, but I’m not a fan of TAPPING OUT rest, ya know?) When people around you start to stop and for the love of all things holiday it seems more difficult to move things down the field, you can take ownership of quite a few things and keep going.

There is definitely a shift in energy around productivity this time of year, for a myriad of heaped on reasons. People start to get the illness that is going around, have increased family commitments or vacation, various kids in your life might have recitals/shows/holiday music performances. And maybe you need to increase the time you cook/clean/volunteer/or shop the next 2 months.

Even now I can feel myself starting to evaluate goals for this year that I’m like, eh, do I really want to push through the holidays to keep that moving forward? Especially if it appears likely that I am not going to actually accomplish it fully?

Yes. I do. And you probably do, too. Because we’re watching ourselves make choices that remind us who we want to be.

Keep going.

Consider this: What would YOU in February of next year be really glad you did right now? If you kept moving forward, even a little bit, what momentum will you have created as the year starts in January, all fresh and new?

(Keep in mind what you are actually WILLING to do, not just what you WANT to do. There’s a powerful difference.)

Here’s my encouragement and challenge to you:

– Look at the goals you are still thinking about from the beginning of the year or this quarter (even if you’ve made zero progress on them).

– Pick 2-3 goals you have some excitement/energy around.  What would you really want to make progress on now and not be starting from cold 8 weeks from now?

– Brainstorm: what 8 tasks would keep the goal moving down the field for the next 8 weeks of the year? Keep in mind who do you want to BE on December 31st?

– This step is key: where is your accountability going to live for this? I.e., TELL SOMEONE what you are committed to keep going on. Knowing you get to tell someone about your progress is a great incentive to keep going towards the version of you who is clear, calm and committed. Change in your life doesn’t often happen in isolation. Right? We can let ourselves off the hook on what we say we are going to do, especially as the days get shorter and holiday merriment can get distracting.

What if you made progress on the thing that you really wanted to this year, even a little bit?

Run to the end of the year.

You don’t have to stop.

There are 62 more days of progress you get to make on something that matters to you-namely, who you are.

Keep going.

(Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash-thanks!)

The post Keep going: why now is not the time to stop for the year first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

Athletes hire mindset or skill coaches. Actors hire acting coaches. Writers hire writing or book coaches.

And you’ve probably heard of Executive Coaches. If you are an actor, writer, artist or other creative, maybe you think they aren’t for you.  Maybe you haven’t thought much about them because you think they are for more ‘business-y’ kinds of people or careers.

But did you know that there are specific skills that executive coaches bring into the lives and careers of their creative clients that can create phenomenal career growth and personal happiness?

In fact, many successful people point to a coach who has helped them get unstuck. Or to enhance their performance. To help them see what they are really capable of. Most of us vastly underestimate what we’re capable of. A coach sees things clients are blind to that are getting in the way of the goal they say they want. If you want to know what’s getting in the way of your success, a coach can be the key to figuring it out and for you to get to move forward.

An executive coach, in particular, concentrates on a high-level strategic focus for a creative career. What does the actor, writer, or artist really want for the whole of their lives, where are they at right now and (importantly) what’s in the gap?

Executive coaches who work with creatives often bring a deep understanding of the entertainment and creative industries, providing some perspective and know-how to help clients see when they are bullsh*ting themselves.

This is one of my favorite parts of knowing the entertainment and creative industries as an executive coach. It is incredibly powerful for a client and I to be like, “Is that true?” when exploring places they are stuck and their beliefs about the industry.

Executive coaches are also uniquely qualified to help artists develop leadership skills–essential for leading their own creative career, collaborating, and operating in the business side of the creative life. I think a lot of creatives don’t see themselves as leaders and this can be a massive shift in thinking. When you lead, you take ownership of your own life AND acknowledge the power of artistic influence on your world and THE world. Having a mindset and insight around yourself as a creative and as a leader are a potent combination.

Essentially, executive coaches focus on helping clients develop a thrilling vision for their lives, hold space to explore mindsets that may be keeping them stuck, and bring a particular set of skills to the coaching space (please hear me say this in Liam Neeson’s voice).

What I have found with creative clients I work with is that clients see measurable progress towards their goals in a set timeline. Executive coaching focuses on turning insight into action. We don’t just talk about things; we explore what kind of movement they can take that aligns to their vision. And then we create accountability and support around that.

Insight is great and useful. But it’s action that changes lives and careers.

I sometimes distill the difference between all the different kind of coaches available that the ‘execute’ in executive means to move. To go. To take action and get it done.

Here are some specific takeaways actors, writers and artists gain from working with an executive coach:

How an Executive Coach can support a creative life and career:

• Strategic Focus: Executive coaches often work with artists on high-level strategic goals, such as career trajectory, brand development, and industry positioning.
• Industry-Specific Insights: They bring a deep understanding of the entertainment and creative industries, offering tailored advice on navigating these fields.
• Leadership Development: Executive coaches help artists develop leadership skills, which can be crucial for those managing teams or leading projects.
• Networking and Influence: They leverage their networks to connect artists with influential industry contacts and opportunities.

Wonder how an executive coach might be just the person you want to add to your team? Connect with me here and we can explore what action you want to take on all those thoughts swirling around in your heart and mind.

[Are you an actor who wants to explore what you are capable of? Join me for a free online workshop to explore vision, mindset and strategy! Register here!]

The post Why do actors, writers and artists hire an executive coach? first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

Did you know that? We aren’t born with a fear response (except an innate fear of falling and of loud noises). The rest of our fears develop over time. We learn to be afraid.

The things we don’t learn through lived experience (being afraid of dogs if you were hurt by one as a kid, for example), we make up. And we make up a LOT of fear.

What’s wild about this is that the brain does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. We have the same physiological response to a scary event we pretend (make up in our imagination) as we do to the real event.

Lemme say that again–your brain doesn’t know what is a real story and what is one you are just thinking about.

(Please use your imagination to insert a shocked face emoji here.)

“When you specifically imagine something, really trying to mimic reality, you activate the same regions in the brain you’d activate when you are exposed to the real thing.”  – Dr. Daniela Schiller, neuroscientist, as quoted here.

You probably know this if you have ever imagined something horrible happening to a loved one and found yourself moved to tears at their totally made-up funeral when you keep going with the story you are unfolding in your brain.

I know I’m not the only one who has been caught sniffling and been like, ‘Oh, nothing’s wrong! Just curious, what songs would you want played at your funeral? (*wipes eyes*) I have definitely traumatized myself with various scenarios like this. I have MADE ALL OF THIS UP and my body has responded with grief and sadness over an entirely MADE-UP event.

Not to say that using our ability to create a fearful story is never useful. For sure, fear can absolutely keep us safe. If you’ve never read Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear – Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence, I highly recommend it.

Fear is an incredibly useful tool. In contained doses.

The problem with letting fear run the story is that it is only useful for a second. When we are in fight, flight or freeze mode, processing to other parts of our brain slows down and we have difficulty making rational decisions, or even speaking.

Think of it like when you put your hand on a hot stove. How long do you need to feel the pain for it to be useful information? Not more than a fraction of a second. After that, keeping your hand on the hot stove (or making up stories based on our fears and worries) just does unnecessary damage.

So if the story we are making up is NOT HELPING us, why not make up a different story?

I’m not saying let’s pretend a lion is a house cat or a decide that the person in the dark alley is just friendly. Most of the fear-based stories we are making up are worry and anxiety about the future and future events that are not based in immediate physical danger.

We’re worrying about that bill or the relationship or what will I do if….? We are making up stories and scenarios about the car breaking down or the college-aged kid and the choices they are making. The inner dialogue we are creating about these possible futures is keeping our brains under an incredible amount of (made up) fear and stress.

Living in these fearful scenarios keeps us from being able to use our imagination to create possible solutions. Our brain spirals in fear and our capacity to actually problem-solve gets smaller and smaller.

Since we are making things up anyway, what if we made up some alternative stories that aren’t based in fear?

You might say: we can’t just go around and pretend everything is fine! To which I’d say, why not?

How? By using our imaginations to create from the very opposite of fear – love.

“Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist best known for her model of the five stages of grief in terminally-ill patients, had some profound thoughts about love and fear.

In her book Life Lessons, Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living, co-written with David Kessler, Kübler-Ross discusses some big ideas about love and fear. Love and fear are the two primary emotions in humans. Kübler-Ross argues that all other emotions exist under these two primary emotions: either an emotion comes from a place of fear or a place of love. These core emotions underlie every other emotion we have.

Love and fear are opposites.

Love breeds positive emotions like joy, peace, and satisfaction. Fear breeds negative emotions like anger, guilt, and sadness.”  — Ward Andrews, Design.org

If you remove fear, what else is possible in the story you are making up? I’m not saying to change the facts of your life (you have a bill that is due). I am talking about changing your limited perceptive of that fact. What else is possible besides fear? Let’s pretend (because we can) that you are afraid of the bill because you don’t know how you can pay it. Set the fear of the consequences of not being able to pay it aside for a moment. Pretend you CAN pay it. Now, you’ve given your brain a problem to solve, and I wonder what you can come up with.

If your brain thinks it’s possible to pay the bill, it will start to find some solutions. You’ll suddenly remember birthday money from your Aunt that you have tucked away in your drawer. Or you’ll recall that record shop that mentioned they were looking for albums in the era you have left over from your garage sale. Maybe you’ll call the business and see if they can work with you on a payment plan.

The idea is to remember that fear is made up. You’ll know your story is coming from fear (and not love or even reality) because it will create feelings of anger, guilt, shame or sadness. Fear will make you panic and fret and be anxious.

Fear is a terrible use of your imagination.

Try making up some other stories. What pretend scenarios create feelings of curiosity? Gratitude? Creativity?

What else is possible? What other options can you see?

(I almost posted a list of funeral songs here. But I resisted because that is NOT the story I want to make up!)

Photo by Emmeline T. on Unsplash – thank you!

The post Fear is a terrible use of imagination first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

Have you ever thought about what you’re good at? And what would happen if you spent less time trying to get your weaknesses stronger? What if you focus on what you’re good at? And imagine if we used this idea with our kids.

Listen-I’m coming in hot as the parent of a teen who is about to enter her senior year of high school. Which means, there is an overlying level of parenting anxiety around how to help our kid think through and plan her next steps.

We’re fine, we’re all fine here…how are you? -Han Solo when rescuing Princess Leia thinking of shaping a human’s future.

I am trying not to panic and think of all the things we haven’t prepared her for (that’s next year’s anxiety, so I’m making it wait it’s turn).

Currently, it’s the task of helping her see what possible life plans would make her most happy and successful. (Meaning having a life that supports her material needs, brings her joy and fulfills her sense of purpose). You know, what is she good at and how does she build a life out of that?

I started out by panicking a bit about the things I felt were her weaknesses. How was her difficulty with Algebra going to impact her life? Or her weakness in developing strategy? Or her inconsistency with daily habits?

In an effort for me to understand her more and HER to understand her more, I found the Clifton StrengthsFinder for Students. Years ago, I took the version for adults, and I remember how much it impacted me to see what I was good at.

Imagine having this piece of information and building a life on your strengths?

No, really. Imagine if you were 16 years old and really knew what your strengths were. What would be possible for you if you didn’t have to figure all of this out via unnecessary trial and error? What if you had a chance to focus on what you’re good at?

(Which is why the assessment was developed in the first place. In an era of psychology focused on people’s problems, Dr. Don Clifton asked the question: “What if we studied what was right with people?”)

Which was a bit of a mind-blowing perspective to me–to figure out what people are good at and see what’s possible when you focus on that. There is a whole line of thinking for this if you have kids called Strengths Based Parenting.

We poured over her results and the information in the report, and it was like watching a light bulb go on for all of us.

Things she wanted to spend her time and energy on made total sense once we saw her top 5 strengths out of the group of 34 strengths. It doesn’t mean she will be or do a specific thing. The list of strengths doesn’t say things like ‘Be an architect.’ It describe how a person with Ideation as a strength thinks and operates and how you can apply that out in the world.

My daughter’s strengths are all in the Relationship Building category, which means she is talented with people. Applied, this might look like building a team (in any industry). If she knows this about herself, she will look for ways to utilize this strength at school, work and even social events. (I bet she can create an exquisite guest list for an event-a great mix of fascinating people who will enjoy each other’s company.) The student version is designed for teens who are likely headed to college, which I am not sure is her path). But it was still very insightful to her to see the results and see what those strengths can look like in the real world.

Current research indicates that our strengths stay pretty consistent over our lifetime. (There is a version of the assessment for kid as young as 10 called the StrengthsExplorer.) Imagine being armed with this info as you guided your kid through childhood. What if you knew it for them and about yourself even now?

Your strengths and the order they are in for your top 5 are incredibly unique.

Of the 15 million of people around the globe who have taken the assessment (as of 2016), the chance of someone having your same strengths in the same order is 1 in 33.4 million. Even having the same 4 strengths in the same order is a 1 in a million chance.

I think it warrants paying attention to what each person’s particular strengths can create in their lives and in the world.

But, what about being well-rounded? We can’t just ignore our or our kids’ weaknesses!

I am absolutely NOT suggesting we ignore basic levels of competency. Especially for kids in school settings where a certain amount of their opportunities are linked to grades. But basic competency is different than focusing on being totally well-rounded.

It means as we approach this summer with my daughter, I am really considering how to support where she will excel and minimize the time, energy and resources spent on things that make ME feel better as a parent and that ultimately will not help her.

Her C-grade in Algebra isn’t going to keep her out of college if her art portfolio (her strength) is spectacular. What if we spent this year being clear about where she needs support to feel competent? And then focus on blowing the embers of her excellence into hot flames that cannot be ignored.

“Knowledge and practice will help you move from good to great in your areas of talent. But remember, there’s a limit to how much you can do. Everyone is talented, but no one is talented at everything. If you spend your life trying to be good at everything, you will never be great at anything. Many colleges–and society as a whole–encourage you to be well-rounded, thinking that if you work hard enough, you can master anything. but you can’t. Trying to become well-rounded breeds mediocrity…Trying to be well-rounded at the expense of being great is a waste of your time and talents.”
– CliftonStrengths for Students, Gallup Press, 2017, pg13.

“Trying to become well-rounded breeds mediocrity.”

A funny thing happens in those areas of weakness when we stop giving them all the attention. Research shows that when we focus on what we’re good at, areas of weakness improve. Even with less time and attention focused on those weaknesses.

This happens because you have a happier kid who feels good about themselves. Getting better at things we are good at does this and the more positive stance spills over to other areas. So, no, my daughter isn’t likely to enjoy her Algebra tutoring session more. But she will feel better about her general level of ability when she excels in her area of strength. Like when her artwork was chosen to be in an art show.

I realize that my issues with her weaknesses is that I am afraid they will limit her in some way. But imagine if she gets to work towards excellence and not just mediocrity? I think that will open more doors for her than my fear-based approach to get her to be well-rounded.

Focus on what you’re good at. Help your kids do the same. Create a family environment where everyone’s unique strengths get to play all out.

(What do you think? I feel like we’re doing our best as parents and humans. I hope a shift in thinking brings more joy and less suffering into your conversations around plans for the future. Let me know if this article does that!)

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash – thanks!

The post What if you focus on what you’re GOOD at? Heads up parents first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

Here’s the wild part–the story you are making up is not necessarily true or accurate or right. Nor is it necessarily false or inaccurate or wrong.

But we ACT as if what we are thinking is, in fact, true. With a capital ‘T’.

And so does every other single person, according to the story THEY are also making up. And you may have noticed that people can see the same event and experience it in wildly different ways. (Hello, any post on social media that has to do with a social, political or medical topic.)

When I’m working with clients, we often put these stories through a bit of analysis called Event vs Perception. It’s exactly what it sounds like–we take the thing that happened and then look at their perception of it. And then we play around with other possible perceptions of the same event. We aren’t looking for the ‘right’ perception or belief–we are just exploring the idea that there may be other ways of seeing the event.

I ask a series of questions to help them explore other possible stories (or reasons) that could explain actions/reactions/behaviors of themselves, or other people involved. Keep in mind that it doesn’t matter what is ACTUALLY ‘True’, it’s the story that we have each created that informs how we behave.

Here’s an example of Event vs. Perception, OR
What Happened and The Story You Are Making Up About It

Event: when the client was out-of-town, a co-worker received a package that was for the client, opened it, set it in a closet and didn’t tell the client about it, but the client stumbled upon it.

Client: (based on contentious history with co-worker) OMG! She stole my package!
Me: What else could explain this?
Client: NOTHING. She is horrible!
Me: Maybe.
Client: She didn’t even say anything to me!
Me: I wonder why that is?
Client: Because she’s horrible. (But has slowed down to think…)
Me: Maybe. What else could it be?
Client: Well…I guess she might have thought it was hers, since it was accidently delivered to her office.
Me: Maybe. What else?
Client: I guess that might explain why it was opened, but why was it shoved in the closet??
Me: I don’t know…did you ask her?
Client: Oh, heck no.
Me: Okay, what do you think she might say?
Client: She was stealing my stuff?
Me: Or?
Client: (sighs) Maybe she was embarrassed that she opened it when she realized it wasn’t to her.
Me: Maybe. What else might be possible here?

And we keep going until the client is able to look at this event curiously. In this instance, the client desired resolution, so she did confront the co-worker. Turns out, the co-worker didn’t realize the package was for my client and had shoved it into the closet to deal with as a return later in the week. But imagine if the client only considered her one perception to be the correct one?

Even if the client had been right and the co-worker had meant to steal it, my client got to show up with calmness and curiosity because she held the possibility of a different story in her thoughts.

And that is the kind of person she wants to be–not reactive, angry, and jumping-to-conclusions. By being able to stay curious about behavior she didn’t understand and be mindful of how she wanted to show up in this conversation with her co-worker, she created a story where she got to respond the way she wanted to, not just react to something she didn’t understand. Note that she got to decide how she was going to be in the situation even before she knew the co-worker’s story.

My client had decided that the story she was making up about herself as being calm and curious was the one she wanted to act under.

It didn’t matter what the co-worker’s story was.

My client made up a story that helped her to show up calm and curious. Just exploring the possibility that her first story might not be 100% true enabled her to behave from a different place, a different story. The event was the same-the package was still shoved into a closet by a co-worker.

Do you know what story you are making up?

How we think (the stories we make up) is how we react and respond to events and people in our lives. And we act as if they are capital T ‘True’, even when very few perceptions of events by us or any other human are 100% True/Right/Accurate. We each have a story that supports our behavior. Imagine if we considered that everyone in the situation was acting according to their own perception of the event and that no one was right or wrong–it’s just how we are each making sense of the event.

This is important not only because you get to not show up as a jerk when you don’t understand someone’s behavior (and honestly, that would be enough in this world, to have a few less instances of us acting like jerks to other people when we don’t know their side of the story, or their perception), but because when you realize YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT STORY YOU WANT to act under, you get to pick your behavior. You get to pick how YOU show up. You can be open to the possibility that everyone is acting under their story, and that you don’t have to be right to

So if someone’s behavior doesn’t make sense to you, be curious about what story are they making up about the event.

But more importantly, decide what possible stories are available for you to make up and act out of so you get to show up as the person you want to be. You get to decide that every time you choose the story you are making up about yourself and how you are in relationships, how you respond to events and how you get to be in the world.

The post Do you know what story you are making up? (And why it matters!) first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

Life – capacity for growth, reaction to stimuli, self-sustaining processes, energy transformation and reproduction. (<–I grabbed this definition from here so it wasn’t just my 18 year-old brain remembering it.)

While this definition can be applied to things like puppies and fungi, it can also be used as a kind of BuzzFeed quiz for things like your work, your relationships and various domains in your life.

And sure, you can be killing it in one part of your life (um, ‘killing it’ meaning ‘really life-ing’ here) and another part of your life may be in serious decay.

Let’s use these 5 general life domains to consider all the various aspects of your life:

1. Spirituality
2. Family and Intimate Relationships
3. Work and Creativity
4. Health and Well-being
5. Community and Connection

Spirituality is not necessarily about religion, though it can be. It is a belief in power beyond just yourself and a life that searches for meaning, purpose and connection.

Family and Intimate Relationships include roles and responsibilities that are essential or meaningful.

Work and Creativity includes activity that helps foster a sense of belonging in society (including school), livelihood (including all things related to finances), or production of creativity.

Health and Well-being encompasses physical and mental health, as well as a personal sense of agency and safety.

Community and Connection is where we are united and feel a sense of belonging with others, including helping others and fulfillment of group ventures.

4 questions to ask yourself to know what is living and what is dying in your life

For each domain, ask yourself:

1. What’s working here?
2. What’s not working?
3. Where am I confused?
4. Where is something missing?

How to know if something is working (living) or not working (dying)

Take a look at the definition of life above and use it as a measure of the 5 domains of your life. Is there growth? Is there change? Are you creating something in or from that space?

If there is a domain area that is not experiencing some marks of these, it may be dying and in need of resuscitation or reinvigoration.

Sometimes you aren’t living and are also not dying-but there’s a catch

There is a biological term for this: homeostasis. This is a short season of self-sustaining activities–where you are maintaining internal stability in your life (or a particular domain area in your life) while you adjust to changing external conditions. The caveat here is that it is temporary and in preparation for change. Think about how a toddler gets adorably chubby just before they shoot up 2 inches. Or how family life might be reduced down to the bare minimum in seasons of transition.

The catch is that it is short-lived. It’s best if it’s intentional and you are paying attention to when it can end. Otherwise, it can become a habit verses a specific tool for a specific season.

Where in your life are you dying?

And to be clear, not everything that isn’t working should be resuscitated. Sometimes things aren’t working because they aren’t going to work. And that’s okay. The key is to examine why it isn’t working. Maybe you don’t want it to work and you’ve been trying to make it work because you think you ‘should.’

Should-ing is not a life-giving reason for any domain.

Note that in the definition of life there is no ‘it should grow’, or ‘it should produce something’. There is also no doing things or not doing things because of fear: of judgement, of failure/success, of what will people think, etc. Is there ‘responds to stimuli’? Yes. And that’s different then reacting based on fear.

As you put your life through the paces of the 4 questions above, here are some action steps:

1. What’s working here?
   Celebrate and do more of this!
2. What’s not working?
   Fix or prune or stop doing this.
3. Where am I confused?
   Figure out what you need to get clear about.
4. Where is something missing?
   What can you add in to create more life?

If things aren’t growing, they are dying. There is a flow to energy in biology–the life science. Your life operates under the same laws of nature–which is great, because you can absolutely know how to look for life signs in your own life domains.

Where do you want to create more living and not dying in your life? Maybe the dying thing won’t ever thrive in your life and it’s okay to let it go. Maybe an area of your life is going to require more resources to be living and not dying and you will get to decide if you want to do that.

Photo by benti kaur on Unsplash – thanks!

The post What is living and what is dying in your life: 4 questions first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

When I have broached this question with people this week, a common response is something along the lines of, “If it was a cool, guaranteed future, then yes, I’d definitely want to know!”

I mean, sure. Wouldn’t THAT be nice…

But I’ve been surprised at the conversations around NOT wanting to know what your potential is.

What’s the harm in knowing what you’re capable of?

When you picture having a clear vision of a future that would be really cool, do you feel inspired? Or do you feel resigned (I’ll never get that), shame (What’s wrong with me that I’m not doing that?) or guilt (I’m wasting my life!)?

I’m guessing that if you feel energized and inspired at what’s possible for you, you believe it could happen. If you feel resigned or shame or guilt, there’s something else going on.

Are there benefits to not knowing what you’re capable of? 

Maybe we don’t want to know our potential because we are afraid it means just doing more and working harder at the same thing we’ve been doing.

Like, living up to your potential means working a lot harder and you’re not sure you can work much harder. Perhaps we don’t want what is on the other side of all that effort–you know, more of the same.

Or would you be afraid that what you are currently doing IS living up to your potential? That there is nothing more for you than THIS. And you aren’t loving this life, so not knowing this might be IT at least keeps you hoping for something else.

We don’t want to know what our potential is because it just looks hard. Like a lot of work. Grinding, grinding, grinding. Or hopeless–we really wanted there to be more to this life for us and what if there isn’t?

(An aside: if you connect with that last statement, I want to encourage you with the truth that our lives are not static and if you have a yearning for something beyond where you are right now–either in work, relationships, spirituality, creativity–it is because it IS possible to change your life.)

What if discovering your actual life potential was about more joy, and peace and fun in your life, not just more work?

In the (albeit fictional) town where the show is set, people didn’t seem distressed when they discover and start to do the thing that is their potential life–they seem energized and happy. (I am keeping my eye on one character who didn’t get the response they were expecting.)

Having clarity and knowing what your potential is can bring a sense of contentment, joy and energy.

So back to the question: if you could, would you want to know your potential?

Because based on the conversations I have been having, not wanting to know seems to be based on avoiding the feelings of resignation, shame and guilt about what to DO with the information.  When I ask people if they would want to know their potential, their chief concern is about how much work it will take.

I’m like, EVEN IF IT IS GUARNTEEED SUCCESS doing what you would love to do?

Yeah, even then.

Because there is some stress with having and knowing your potential…pressure of living up to it or the fear of failure (or success). If you don’t have a healthy relationship with failure (as in, it’s the normal course of action along the way to ‘success’) or a health view of success (as in, it will not solve your problems, it will just amplify where your growth as a human is paramount to having a life of contentment and joy), then yeah, knowing your potential can definitely complicate your life.

Here are two questions I use with my coaching clients when we reach a conversation around the life they want and the resistance they feel to move towards it:

1. What do you not want to give up for that?

2. What are you willing to give up for that?

I know, it’s a real kicker.

Turns out, sometimes, people just want a comfortable life and are willing to give up a lot to not get uncomfortable. Which is fine, right? Life is pretty hard. If you can have some contentment and enjoy where you are at, go for it. I think it was Simon Sinek who talks about choosing two paths in life, and they are both equally good choices. One is to create a nice, comfortable life for yourself and your family and then enjoy it. The other is to create a life of impact that means constantly stretching yourself.

You likely know which direction you lean towards.

If you could know what was possible in your life and be sober-minded about what you were willing or not willing to do about it, would you want to know? The clarity of knowing yourself and letting go of an imagined life you just don’t want to pursue can be really freeing.

As James Clear says:

“It doesn’t make sense to continue wanting something if you’re not willing to do what it takes to get it. If you don’t want to live the lifestyle, then release yourself from the desire. To crave the result but not the process, is to guarantee disappointment.”

But if the idea of knowing what you are capable of excites you, let’s pretend I handed you a printout of what you are capable of and you just read it.

Check in with how you feel about knowing. Are you excited? Afraid? Not sure what to do next?

However you react to the idea of knowing what your potential is, here’s what to do next: figure out the smallest step to move that direction. Tiny. Once you get clear on where you currently are in relation to that life, you can see some possible gaps to figure out. So just pick the most nuclear, tiny step that will move you forward.

You can do it.

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash

The post If you could, would you want to know your potential? first appeared on Melissa Caddell.

This story doesn’t go the way you probably think it’s going to. If you run late for appointments, this one’s for you. Unrelated, have you ever heard the definition of integrity as “doing what you say you are going to do, when you say you are going to do it?”

Because my dentist’s office was right to cancel my appointment when I showed up late.

(Can we all just pause and notice how grownup this article is since part of the story involves attending to preventative dental care?)

I had a long-ago scheduled dental cleaning this week and called to give my dentist’s office a heads up when I realized I was going to be late. I checked to if they could still see me because I was going to be at least 15 minutes late. You should know that this is a dental practice where I have never waited more than about 5 minutes for an appointment. They keep their small waiting room moving smoothly.

The office manager said they would still see me, and I headed their way. As it turns out, I was 22 minutes late.

All that to say, when I finally dashed in, I hoped that they could still see me, but felt pretty bad about being as late as I was.

The office manager checked with the dental hygienist and then very kindly told me she was sorry, but they couldn’t accommodate me as I was now well into the next person’s scheduled appointment time.

UGH.

I mean, part of me knew I had 100% created this problem, but the other part of me wanted to still be seen and was apparently fine with them (and the next patient) bearing the consequences of me being late. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who would’ve wanted this.)

Let’s be honest–this interchange could have gone a couple of ways:

Me: huffing and exasperated that they wouldn’t try to fit me in for an appointment I had made 6 months ago and that would take weeks and weeks to reschedule.

OR

Me: shameful and embarrassed and kinda begging to get squeezed in still.

OR

Me: acknowledging I was late and not making excuses for it and taking on the consequences for it like a grown up.

Oh, I hear ya–that last option sounds a little unlikely to happen in most scenarios (at least from my American perspective).

But here’s the thing–the dental office has a policy they remind me of every time I make an appointment that if patients are more than 10 minutes late, they will have to re-schedule your appointment.

(As an aside, this is in Los Angeles. There is a general culture of lateness. Where being 10 minutes past an appointment time is the norm for most people and businesses. I’m not sure you are actually late until you are at least 15 minutes past the scheduled time. So having a place actually adhere to appointment times is not the norm.)

Here’s the thing–I’m actually glad they did what they said they were going to do and rescheduled my appointment. It makes me feel oddly safe to be clear on where the boundaries are and to know the rules we are operating under.

Does that make sense?

It’s the definition of integrity: Doing what you say you are going to do, when you say you are going to do it.

There’s no judgment assigned to it-it’s not good or bad or right or wrong. Just as I wasn’t good or bad or right or wrong for being late. I just WAS late and there were clear results of that action.

Having clear boundaries and acting with integrity around them lays things clearly out on the table so everyone knows what the agreement is. They said to be on time, I agreed when I made the appointment and then I wasn’t, so there were consequences for me as I broke our agreement.

Being ‘late’ is breaking my word–does that make sense?

Not just here where they created clear expectations and healthy boundaries (dang it), but every time I say I am going to do something or be somewhere by a certain time. (Even not hitting your snooze button is a kind of integrity.)

This whole situation struck me because I know I could have recounted this story and somehow made it about how I was wronged here–what kind of customer service was this? Do they want my business?? (Actually, I don’t know if they do want patients who show up late and then expect other people to manage the mess it created for schedules and other patients…..all signs point to them not wanting those kinds of patients.)

But notice how willing we are to not keep our word and then want other people to take on the fallout of it.

I do this all the time. Eeek.

Up until now.

I want to be a person who can be trusted to keep my word with appointment times. Being on time for appointments is part of my integrity–doing what I say I am going to do, when I say I am going to do it.  And if I don’t keep it, I want to think and act as if I am responsible for the mess, not other people.

Once I started to pay attention, I was surprised at how much I have expected other people to bear the brunt of ME being out of integrity in these situations. Eeek.

Can we just take a moment and celebrate my growth as a human here? I actually did apologize for being late and the impact it had on them, offered to pay the cancellation fee and rescheduled the appointment. I didn’t whine, make excuses or pass off any of the responsibility for it on traffic, etc. I truly do appreciate that this dental office operates with this level of integrity. Even when it’s inconvenient for me.

The new appointment is scheduled in four weeks. And you can bet I’ll be on time.

The post Running late is a matter of my integrity first appeared on Melissa Caddell.