I totally forgot to write my list for week three. That’s not to say I didn’t make the list in my head, it just never got onto the blog. So  I’m cheating and here they are.

Week 3 – 10 Famous (Living) People I Would Like to Meet, but Would Probably Make an Ass of Myself Upon Meeting Them:

1.  Gene Simmons

2.  Paul Stanley

3.  Keanu Reeves

4.  Nikki Sixx

5.  Drew Barrymore

6.  Robert Redford

7.  Oprah

8.  Tony Robbins

9.  Carson Kressley

10.  Helen Mirren

Week 4: 10 Famous (Dead) People I Would Like to Meet, but Would Probably Make an Ass of Myself Upon Meeting Them. (They Would Not be Dead When I Met Them, Because That Would be Gross):

1.  Kathrine Hepburn

2.  Elvis Pressley

3.  Eric Carr

4.  Jim Morrison

5.  Isaac Asimov (I original had Heinlein here, but I think Isaac would be more fun at a party)

6.  Albert Einstein (speaking of parties)

7.  Greta Garbo

8.  Freddie Mercury

9.  Lucille Ball

10.  Christopher Reeve

What follows was written immediately after meditating this morning. I typed it without looking at the keyboard. A total stream of consciousness piece. I have edited it only for spelling and punctuation.

I chose the wrong meditation from the list on iTunes today. It was the short two minute mindfulness of sound one. I wanted the 17 minute breath and loving kindness version. When it was over I heard Spats the cat beep at me (he’s not much for meowing). I looked down at him and decided that instead of playing the 17 minute meditation I would do Mindfulness of the Cat.  I lay down beside him and at first he became playful and nibbled my arm and licked my fingers as he always does when he plays.  Then he became quiet and restful.

I lay beside him being mindful of his breathing, of his twitching. I observed his tail and realized that what had always looked like fluid movement was actually a series of ripples . I believe it is the vertebrae in his spine moving in links that cause that effect close up. I watched as his tail made curls and released, and could discern no rhythm or reason for the movement. I watched his whiskers twitch ever so slightly and noticed that in his left ear he has whte spots instead of all pink.  I never noticed that before. I noticed that he has about thirty white hairs that run up his nose – it’s not all black.

I noticed that he breathes more shallowly and faster than a human. I could see the dust on his silky black fur along his back. I was there to see his pupils dilate when he heard a creak in the house, and his head twitched and his ears moved  - rotating like satellite dishes –  to capture the location of the sound. He relaxed again and then his head popped up, eyes dilated and he was instatnly on alert, and in the swiftest, most elegant movment he was running toward the patio door. He sighted two sqirrels doing their acrobatic maneuvers in one of the trees in the yard. He watched them with keen interest as if there were nothing else in the world that mattered or even existed. Then they left and he waited by the window for their return for a bit.  Giving up, he curled himself up on the rug and sat staring at me across the room. Just staring as if there were nothing else to be doing. I stared back in the same manner. Time did not exist. Thought did not exist. Just us two staring across the room occasionally slitting our eyes to say I love you.

I grabbed my laptop and began typing this entry without ever looking at my keyboard. Luckily my hands can still do that on occasion. I let these words flow from my mind into my fingers without editing, without caring, just capturing the thoughts as they were born.

Spats is now looking out the window at nothing in particular. I realize he is the pefect example of mindfulness. He gives eveything his fullest attention until he doesn’t any more.  So simple. No time constraints (They still haunt me). No purpose – just being. He is here and he is alive and that is enough and that is all there is.

I have finished week three on the new and improved Atkins Diet and I have lost a total of…..drumroll….five whole pounds! So three weeks in the amazingly transformative, fat burning Induction Phase of the diet and I have lost all of five pounds and no noticeable loosening of the pants. Am I disappointed? You bet your bippy! I have consumed no sugar, flour, starch nor alcohol in three weeks. That’s 21 days folks and I have lost a total of five whole pounds!

So I sit here looking at the parameters of the plan, and compare it to my intake and behaviors. They do say to avoid diet soda because aspartame might slow or stall weight loss on this plan. You know me and my good friend Diet Coke! I have to admit that I have actually increased my intake of diet coke and diet ginger ale since curtailing my carb intake three weeks ago. I hereby promise that in week four I will go down to a maximum of two cans of diet soda a day. Sorry body, I’m just not ready to go down to one can and totally abstaining is completely inconceivable! Caffeine is a necessity when you have MS fatigue

The thing that ticks me off is that in the past I have guzzled Diet Coke with wild abandon while on Atkins, and dropped weight without a problem. Of course I was ten years younger, not downing enough medication to choke a horse, and not heavily dosed with immune suppressing drugs. I guess those could be more of an issue than the soda, but I can’t change them so…

Let’s see if slowing down on the soda does me any good. If not, total carb deprivation is going to end. I’ll stick to gluten free and accept my awesomely gelatinous thighs :-p

Update: It’s the day after I started writing this post and I seem to have gained 2.5 pounds overnight! Oh how I love being a girl!

This a bit of a deviation of a prompt from another blog doing the 52 lists.  Her version was Fun things to do Alone, but I shifted it to be more specific to some of my little quirks. Some of the things I like to do alone are pretty common, but I think some are a little out of the ordinary.

Alone With my Thoughts

Things I Like to do Alone

1. Sleep – no kicking, snoring (other than my own), no blanket theft.
2. Vomiting – should be self explanatory.
3. Go to Movies -what I want, when I want, where I want.
4. Drive – My new limitations make this a luxury.
5. Exercise – I hate the gym or exercise classes. Don’t want to share my pain.
6. Cook – I get all nervous and confused when there is another person in the kitchen.
7. Grocery shopping – see #3
8. Museums – this is #3 again too! And I can stare for as long as I want.
9. Doctor visits – before MS I always went alone, now I need a buddy and that sucks.
10. Watch TV – that way I can hear and see every minute!

Am I alone on some of these or do you all secretly like to be alone at these times as well?

Well, I have just finished my second week of induction on Atkins.  I have done the diet before with success when I was much, much younger. The program has been updated in some really great ways, such as a needed focus on green veggies. I picked up a copy of the new book New Atkins for a New You and made sure I remembered the basics and learned the changes.

I spent most of my younger years seeing myself as fat. When I was about nineteen I went on a very restrictive, near starvation diet, especially cutting out all sugar.I was tired of being fat and I had started to show a tendency toward hypoglycemia. I got as low as 112 pounds and, seeing those old photos, it was not the best look for me. By today’s standards I looked great, but by my standards I did not.

Age 19, 112lbs, Size 8

After succumbing to a myriad of infections and health problems I realized I needed to get to a more normal diet and got myself back to a  135-140lb range. I walked for exercise and ate mostly healthy foods with the occasional normal splurge we all make. I had age on my side and it was pretty easy to maintain that size. Oh, I was still a smoker in those days as well

Age 29, 130lbs, Size 10

As I entered my 30′s, I was a very comfortable 160lbs. No, I’m not ridiculously tall (5’4″), I’m just an Italian girl with big hips and big boobs who likes food. I always felt very healthy at around 160 lbs. I got myself down to 150 when Bill and I first started dating because I ended up working out twice a day on some days because I would take his spin classes at night as well as my usual morning workout. Once the spin classes ended, I went back to my normal 160.

Age 32, 160lbs, Size 16

Then I had Gracie. I only gained about 40lbs while pregnant, and lost almost all of it within the first month thanks to breastfeeding and having a sick child that consumed all of my time and energy. Slowly, as I continued to age, and I stopped working out as much, my weight climbed. So I’ve been a happy and honestly pretty healthy 180-185 pounds for about seven years.

Age 42, 182lbs, Size 16

If I’m so happy, why Atkins? Well, since MS came into the picture almost two years ago, my happy and healthy full figure has lost most of its muscle mass and in its place is an overly gelatinous substance. It’s not nice healthy girl cushion, it’s just plain fat and it’s gross. On another front, I have read so much about the possibility that a gluten free diet can be beneficial to MS patients, so I decided to combine fat loss with gluten loss.

Age 43, 185lbs, Size 16 & Drooping

I hit the ground running on 1/2/12 and have kept myself to a max of 20 grams of carbs daily with most of that coming from salad greens and vegetables. No wheat or non vegetable starch has passed my lips in thirteen days. No alcohol has either. I have been eating lots and lots of chicken, lean beef, shrimp and salmon as well as eggs. Yes, I’m eating bacon, something I normally reserve for vacation, but it’s the only way I’m going to get through the initial cravings.

As I sit here today, ass spreading over the sides of my desk chair, I have lost a total of four pounds and I feel like complete crap. Now, I think four pounds is pretty good for a woman. I have done my minimum of 3 workouts per week. I had hoped to do more, but my legs and body seem to disagree at this point. I am extremely weak and tired and my legs don’t want to take me places.

Now I could sit here and decide the diet is a failure and dive into those Tostitos I found hiding in the cabinet or I can look at all of the variables, such as where I am at in my monthly menstrual cycle and my monthly Tysabri cycle. Lo and behold, I am one week away from my next Ty infusion. Hmmmm….this is usually the crappiest week of the month for me, so maybe it is the Ty not the diet?

Age 44, 185lbs, Size 16 w/spandex and elastic waist

My big plan is to wait and see. I get my fix on the 19th and I will give it through the weekend to see if my legs come back and if the fatigue abates. If not, I will call my neuro on Monday. Now last month’s Ty infusion was followed by an awful four days of weakness and fatigue and I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen this go round, but if it does I’m still calling the doctor. This new weakness and burning in my quads has me pretty freaked out and if Ty doesn’t put it in its place, well… I don’t know what the end of that thought is.

The good news is that my short term memory has improved thanks to a reduction in one of my daily meds. I had been getting a little freaked out about my forgetfulness, but it really came to a head when we went to see Mission Impossible. As the movie started I turned to Bill and said, “Wow, they are going right to the  movie without showing any trailers.” You should have seen his face when he said, “We just watched twenty minutes of trailers.” (Insert Twilight Zone theme here!)

If I feel better after Ty, I will continue on the Induction portion of the diet for a total of four weeks, and then I will begin the slow introduction of gluten-free, healthy, high fiber carbs. I have this pair of pants that used to fit quite nicely at this very same weight, but post MS will not button easily and they look horrible. My goal is to be able to button, zip, sit and look like myself in those jeans again. Hopefully along the way I will rebuild some muscle and feel better than I do today.

Oops.  I almost made it through this week without posting a list. That wouldn’t have been a great start, would it?

You can get the scoop on what I’m doing in my 52 Lists post from last week. I’m too tired to repeat myself.  Seriously, I’m having a bad MS week and my next Tysabri infusion isn’t for five more days. I’m feeling like a cell phone battery with one red bar and far too many calls yet to make. Oh well, it is what it is.

Wondering what I do when I’m feeling down? I read more than most people for sure, but sometimes I am too tired to follow a plot. That’s when I go to Etsy. I don’t go there to shop, I go there to browse at the fun and beautiful art made by people not machines. I love that their favorite button is a little heart. It is the perfect way for me to say, “I love this.”

So this week’s list is:

Thinks I Love on Etsy (click images to go to Etsy listing)

This button makes me crack up. I used to collect buttons in high school and college and this would have definitely been given a prominent home in my collection. I really could use some minions right about now!

I am on the hunt for some really nice stud earrings. Now that I don’t have to be corporate chick anymore I can reclaim some of my youth and insert the earrings in the extra piercings in my ears. There were four in total, but that one up high never stopped hurting, so I let it close a long, long time ago. These garnet studs are a gorgeous example of handmade jewelry. God how I love jewelry that has been created with human hands!

This t-shirt has a very special significance to me nowadays, but to be honest, I loved naps long before MS demanded them. There is nothing like the decadence of sleeping in the middle of the day when you could be doing something else. For me the best naps are the ones that I take curled up bathed in sunlight coming through a bedroom window while a gentle breeze caresses my face. Further proof that I was a house cat in a previous life

This button made me laugh my ass off. I don’t know what else to say about it other than to point out its pure comic genius.

Another great laugh. You know how everyone gets all busy looking when a superior wanders through unexpectedly? People become so intent on blank papers on their desk or that spreadsheet on their monitor becomes the most fascinating puzzle they’ve ever seen! There was a guy where I last worked who would walk around all day carrying paper towels and Windex while I was visiting his location. He would dutifully stop by the office I was using to shine the lamp or take notes on what needed to be fixed. The funniest part was that he thought I really believed this is what he did all day. Not that I’m comparing myself to Jesus, mind you, but imagine if the world got five minutes notice that Jesus was going to appear. I bet some people would get busy looking pious really fast!

If you haven’t yet met my friend the Honey Badger, you need to stop right now and watch the video. Warning, the language is PG-13 with a little R thrown in, but it is soooooo funny! I kept seeing references to this little guy around the web and I just had to know what he was all about. Once I saw him I was hooked. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this video and I still laugh. So this to-do list, especially for a person who lives by her to-do lists, is just too darned funny!

I really want this Exploding Tardis t-shirt. It was one of my absolute favorite Dr. Who episodes and I love Van Gogh. The combination created such a unique look at mental illness, artistry and time travel in a loving and respectful way. The writer didn’t try to cure Van Gogh, because he knew that his mental illness was a key part of who is was and what made him great. It was bittersweet and in the process a new and beautiful piece of art was created. I want the print of this artwork as well, but the t-shirt is a good start!

How funny would it be to have a few of these around the house when company is coming? Love it!!!

Oh come on, you know you want a pair of these! I think they are both pretty and cool. It’s not like a giant statement and most people will not notice right away. Would make a fun conversation starter and a great way to show your geek pride!

By now I hope you have watched the Honey Badger video, so you will find this item completely hysterical! Think about it – really ponder it- and you will see its true creativity. Love it!!!! This is the last item on my list for this week. Time for another nap because this honey badger don’t care

The thing I have always loved the most about the worldwide web is how links lead to links which lead to links and still more links. Surfing the web has become such a banal term, but when I really step back and look at how I use the web, which is truly worldwide, I am in awe. For me it has always been an ever changing journey. I ride the information waves with abandon and I often find myself in the most wondrous places.

(BTW, I am a huge fan of StumbleUpon, not as a promotional tool, but as a way to ride the waves blind. So much fun!)

What does this have to do with 52 lists? Keep your panties on! I’ve got tons of time on my hands nowadays, so I have dramatically slowed down my pace in life and you will just have to take a deep breath, grab a cup of tea and be patient while my genius unfolds

One of my favorite scrapbooking blogs is Scrapbook Obsession. Erika is a woman much like myself, who is a little too into scrapbooking and, in particular, we share an addiction to patterned paper. She doesn’t know that I am a lurker on her blog. I read every post she writes and never comment. I know that’s not necessarily cool, but I’m usually reading on an iDevice and I can hardly type on a real keyboard so… Anyway, on the first of the year she wrote a post about 52 Lists in 52 Weeks. I was truly intrigued so I followed a link in her post to another blog, which was promptly added to my reader, called Get the Words Out. Kellie did the 52 lists challenge last year and I have really enjoyed reading through some of her lists. They will serve as my prompts when I am stumped for a weekly list. She also has a linky thingy at the end of each post so you can share your lists with other listers.

Then I googled “52 Lists” and found this super fun site aptly named The 52 Weeks. This is not a site about lists, oh no, this is a site about doing things every week! Rather than trying to explain this myself, I will let the authors, Karen and Pam, share the concept via the description on their blog:

“This blog was created by two friends who made a pledge to try something new, fun, challenging, or even ridiculous every week for a year. At times, life got in the way, but we forged ahead. Our stories have educated, entertained or inspired many. In 2012, we hope to inspire many others to get better, get moving or get over it!”

I am pretty sure I am not ready to attempt that kind of challenge, but I know I will enjoy following them this year and I hope to get the courage to try some new things along the way.

From The 52 Weeks I ended up at a Huffington Post – uh post – about New Year’s resolutions, which seemed pretty pedestrian until I saw the final tip, Be Still. Hmmm, sounds like I keep bumping into the mindfulness thing everywhere I turn. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something

Now without further ado and rambling, I bring you my first list of my 52 Lists 2012 Project (insert drum roll)

Things I Wish I Were Better At

1. Being Present: My mind always seems to be somewhere other than where I am. Whether it is in a fantasy day dream world, the painful past, the hopeful future or the plot of a recently watch TV show, my mind is seldom where it should be – with the people I love in the moment. Yes, I am learning to be more mindful, but I had no idea it would be this hard and some days I just don’t feellike making the effort.
2. Writing: I have so many ideas and none of them ever make it on to paper or screen.
3. Paper Crafting: I can work for hours on a project and be somewhat satisfied with what I’ve done then I’ll see something in a magazine or at a crop, and feel like I have no talent. Which leads us to #4.
4. Being Nice to Myself: I feel that I should be better than I am at everything. No wonder the first list idea that popped into my head was the one I’m writing. I actually feel sometimes that I’m not good enough at being Melissa. What the f*** does that even mean? I guess it goes back to all those years in grammar school of getting those dumg SRA test results. I can hear nun after nun saying I was in the top 98th percentile for my age, and I am not living up to my potential. “You could do so much more!” I ask you all now – honestly, if you were a ten year old who could get A’s without having to study, would you work harder or would you spend that time doing something you actually liked? As part of being nice to myself I am starting to think like that ten year old girl again. I don’t have to be awesome, amazing or inspirational. I can be good enough and that will be good enough.
5. Taking My Own Advice: The next time you hear me lament about my lack of discipline or productivity, just smack me upside the head and point me back to #4.
6. Keeping Up with Current Music: I’m quite sure that I am missing out on a ton of really cool music, but I tend to slip back into the comfort of my long time loves. For me KISS, Queen, Motley(SixxAM),and old broadway show tunes are like a warm snuggy blanket with bunny faces on it.

Okay, that is my first official list. I had intended it to be longer, but #4 got me thinking quite a bit and then I started feeling guilty for any other items I might add to this list.

If you decide to do this 52 Lists, let me know and make sure you post a link here for me to start a new surfing trip

When taking pictures of family people are always so focused on getting everyone to smile, and careful to insure that they can see everyone’s faces. Sometimes they will take another shot if someone’s eyes were closed or didn’t smile. What I find as I am looking back  at my old family photos, which I freely admit to being obsessed with, is that I’m not looking at any of those details. Instead I am like an archaeologist sifting through the pixels to find clues to the way we lived in bygone days.

This month I have been updating my Facebook profile picture with photos from my childhood Christmases and I’m having some good laughs along the way. I grew up in the 70′s and, as anyone who grew up those days knows, it was a colorful era of questionable taste.

Join me while dissecting this little gem of a photo I just came across in my stash:

 1.  My hair is honestly the first thing I see. It actually looked surprisingly good for me in the 70′s. Anyone who has ever doubted my natural blondeness can stick that in their pipe and smoke it!

2.  The denim colored pantsuit just screams Laurie Partridge. Too bad it didn’t have a ruffled collar.

3.  Why yes that is a Space 1999 wrist radio (AM only) and yes it was my most favorite gift of the year.

4.  The leopard print couch is always a hoot and it is one detail I have never forgotten no matter how hard I try.

5.  My mom used to crochet. She made that afghan on the couch with her own hands in her favorite color. When did she stop doing that and why?

6.  Gotta dig Buddy’s leisure suit with dumbo collar! He looks thrilled.

7.  I really did love that butterfly painting hanging over the couch. It truly captured the colors of the room, which incidentally contained two orange walls and two yellow. You may be horrified, but I assure you that this room, including its flame red shag carpet, was very representative of the decor of the period – really.

8.  The glass globe light hanging over the Christmas tree had a twin on the other side of the couch. The one in the picture remained in the room even when it became my bedroom (sadly so did the flame red shag carpet).  Many a person in our family has suffered brain trauma from hitting their head on that damned lamp.

9.  Let’s take a moment to investigate the Christmas tree itself. My mom really wanted a tree that represented her style – not a kiddie tree.  So she got herself a small white and silver tree and festooned it with pink satin balls and purple garland.   She did end up with some crocheted kiddie looking snowmen as well. They seem confused.

10.  The plastic wreath hanging under my brother Michael’s grammar school graduation is a nice touch. Did you notice that the picture frame is orange? It’s orange because it’s on one of the yellow walls. Yup, that’s color coordination at its finest. It also puts us at circa 1973/74.

11. What is up with my hand?  It’s looking freakishly large and I don’t think it’s a photoshop trick With hands like that you would think I’d be well over 5’4″ as an adult.  WTF?

12.  Finally I notice the perennial red eyes of 1970′s photography, which, let’s face it, is an issue we sill struggle with today. I had truly hoped that by the time we got to 1999 we’d all be traveling in space and I would have the cool ability to transform into any animal at will, but at the very least I thought we could get rid of the freaky red eye issue.  Oh well, at least we all have hover cars and dress in silver jumpsuits. Oh, wait…

This holiday, take out some of your old photos and bring them to family gatherings to enjoy your own history lesson. I promise it will make you smile.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkha, Happy Kwanza, Blessed Yule, etc, etc, etc.

Um, that box on the left contains a 3′ tall bottle of alcohol with a pump attached. Don’t ask!

What follows are the exact words I wrote in an email today:

Here’s a laugh for you.  So I’ve been really dragging since the weekend.  (I’m starting to see a pattern of having a really bad week just before my Tysabri infusion. Almost like the stuff wears off or I’m going through some kind of withdrawl).  Anyway, I slept through most of Monday so today is the only day I have without therapy or a doctor’s visit this week.  I’ve got holiday stuff piling up and the cleaning lady is supposed to come today.  Also have to take Gracie for her checkup this afternoon. 

I had an epiphany on Saturday. I don’t remember why or how and that is totally okay. Well, I tell myself that now, but moments ago I was struggling to remember what brought about this revelation and trying to pinpoint if it was Saturday or Sunday. Then my mind said,’What difference does it make when or how? Just write the damned article!’  That was the revelation at work.

For most of my life I have been a perfectionist.  Please do not take this to mean that I have done everything perfectly and that I achieved perfection on a regular basis. As a matter of fact no one, that’s right, NO ONE can truly be perfect or achieve perfection. A perfectionist is someone who is never satisfied or happy with what they have achieved or the effort they have put forth to achieve it. No matter what the outside world tells them they will always feel that they could have tried harder, done more, been better.

This constant dissatisfaction drives them harder and harder. In today’s culture we look at perfectionism as a badge of honor. We want to hire perfectionists because we know their internal drive will push them to succeed. Children who push themselves to achieve higher grades, better sports performance and perfectly well rounded transcripts are lauded and given scholarships to the most prestigious universities.  We value perfectionism in all areas. Look at the insane amount of televised programming geared towards creating a more perfect life.  The perfect meal, the perfect body, the perfect soul! Take a look at the best sellers lists and note how many are on the topic of self improvement and how many are biographies of people who were relentless in their pursuit of perfection.

My epiphany?

It is all bullsh*t.

(I thought of using a different word, one that wasn’t as crass. A word that conveyed my contempt in a more perfect way, but bullsh*t is a good enough word and it works well enough so that’s what you are getting.)

Balance and perfection are mutually exclusive. 

You cannot have one when pursuing the other.

To achieve balance you must surrender perfection.

To seek perfection you must surrender balance.

It is entirely possible that this epiphany has already been written about ad nauseum, and in my previous pursuit of perfection I would have done tons of research on it before beginning to write.  Not anymore!

Okay, I admit it is probably going to take me more than one revelation to truly let go of my perfectionist self. I also admit that my epiphany didn’t come out of nowhere.

Last week at the support group I attend, we talked at great length about our feelings of worthlessness. Our beliefs that we are not truly loved for who we are.  Our deep rooted sense of being less than. We cried and railed and discussed and cried and railed some more. We pushed each other with questions seeking the root of this sickness – and sickness it is.

What we came to was a room full of people who had believed since childhood that they were bad, unlovable and worthless. Their inner child learned that to get love and attention they had to achieve.  Without achievement they were nothing. They became people pleasers and over-achievers, not out of a sense that it was good and right, but out of a fear of being unloved. Some of you reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. You too are living this nightmare.

Two days a week, for four hours each day, I sit in a room with a group of people, who like myself are in crisis. Whether due to illness, loss of employment, divorce or other life disaster, we have had to confront the reality that perfection is not possible for us.  We are no longer able to over-achieve and because of this we have snapped.

Reality has cracked like an dam and we cannot contain the flood.

For six weeks I have been listening and sharing with this group and the repeated theme is our need to find balance. It is our only salvation from drowning. Slowly and gently this concept has melted into my heart and my mind and balance has become something I crave. I have realized that if I want balance I have to let go of perfectionism.

I don’t have to be the best Operations Director in the largest market on earth to be a valuable person. People did not love me for my achievements. They loved me because I am a genuinely lovable person. Looking back I can now see that what my team appreciated most about me was my willingness to be flawed in front of them. I was real and human and I loved them. That was enough.

I am the world’s best mother, but my daughter loves me without reserve. I haven’t always been the most attentive and well behaved daughter but my mommy loves me and wouldn’t trade me for anyone or anything.

Not too long ago I believed that my husband loved me for my drive, my strength and my aspirations. Turns out he loved me because he sees a light inside of me that makes the light inside of him happy. He will love me as I drop every wine glass and dish we own. He will love me when I can no longer earn money to support us. He will love me when I can no longer walk. He will love me when I can no longer go to the bathroom without his help. He will love me simply because he loves me.

Balance is peace.

Peace feels nice.  Not great, not awesome, just nice.

I want to feel nice.

Would you like to join me?

Gracie & me in all our imperfect glory.