Melissa's Marks

On Losing a Child... 20 Years Later

2013-10-23T09:53:00.003-04:00

October 23, 1993, twenty years ago. We were excitedly planning the arrival of a baby, a brother or sister for 17 month old Nathan. Without going into all the details, I had a pregnancy complication that would recur in several other pregnancies. Despite all the best efforts, including emergency surgery in hope to prolong the pregnancy, at 18 weeks, I delivered our second child - a baby boy. We named him Andrew Stephen. I was not able to hold Andrew; I physically and emotionally did not have the strength. (Hemorrhaging following delivery sent me to the OR for hours and recuperating for weeks.) I remember those early hours and days as if I were watching someone else experience them. How much was morphine induced and how much was simply a God-given way to cope with the circumstances I know not.

Through the years, I have been reticent to share. Too difficult, painful, raw. Too personal. Too depressing. And, at times, simply because I didn't want to face the awkward silence that inevitably comes when someone doesn't know what to say. "How many children do you have?" "Five..." "Oh, what are their ages?" "...but four are already in Heaven." (Cue crickets.) Conversation killer. So, my standard answer, unless I know that they are sisters in grief, is usually: "One, Nathan. He's (filling in age, current activity, etc.)."

It hurts not to be able to freely say that I am the mother of five. However, I do understand that most people don't understand. Which is why I have felt pressed to finally share our story.

I want to let those who have walked this path know that they are not alone; to know that you will survive; to have hope that you will go on with living. To those who have no reference on what it is to lose a child, I hope to give a glimpse into the grief, thoughts, and feelings on losing a child. So often, we find we can identify and comfort those who have lost a parent or spouse; it may be difficult, but we can imagine and understand those losses. However, it is very difficult for someone to approach one who has lost a child because it is unimaginable.

The doctors and nurses were terrific, empathetic, and concerned. They moved me to a general ward floor instead of the recovering mother's floor so that I did not hear the cries of newborns as they were brought to their moms. They placed a card with a flower on it on my door. When I asked what it was for, the nurse quietly told me that it was to let the staff know that I had suffered a loss. This way they would have the appropriate demeanor as they entered. (She didn't say that, but that was the intent.) Finally, three or four days later, I was sent home with many booklets and pamphlets regarding grief and the loss of a child. "When you are up to it, they might be a help in some small way."

As the weeks went by, I began experiencing terrible, shooting pains in both my arms, so much so that I thought I was going insane. I finally picked up one of the booklets I was given. From it, I learned that I was experiencing a phenomenon called "empty arms syndrome." It was described as similar to an amputee patient feeling phantom pains in the limb that has been amputated. I wish I could find the booklet; several moves may have caused the misplacement or loss of it. There isn't much on the internet about empty arms syndrome. However, it is real.

Should you find yourself experiencing unexplained pain in your arms following a miscarriage or infant loss you may be experiencing empty arms syndrome. Many suggest holding or cuddling a pillow, stuffed animal, pet or, as I was able to do, my toddler. It took several weeks for it to subside. I then begged God to never let me have to experience that again. Unlike not holding Andrew, I was able to hold Caleb and Naomi, both second trimester babies, and did not experience empty arms syndrome. Even following my 10 week miscarriage, I did not experience the syndrome. Some things can't be explained; but, I know, God graciously answered that prayer.

If you have the chance to hold your baby, do. Take pictures. Keep the baby clothes they give you. Add their birthstone to a mother's ring, bracelet, or necklace. Remember your baby in some tangible way.

Losing a child is losing a part of your own self; a part of your future, or rather, what you thought your future to be. It is the loss of hopes and dreams for that child. Part of my grief are the missing faces in the photos. People say: "Oh, it's so good to have all the family together!" Although it is good to be with extended family, I see four little faces missing from around the table. No first words, first steps, first days of school, ball games, recitals, graduations, weddings, ... or perhaps, grandchildren. Holidays can be difficult because there are presents that aren't purchased, baskets not filled, valentine's not sent, birthdays not celebrated.

Mother's Day is extremely difficult for me, as it is for many mothers who have lost children to death or those who suffer from infertility. In the first years, tears would flow the day before, before church in the morning, during church, after church, nearly all weekend long. Nathan, now twenty-one, does a wonderful job of spoiling me, but there are still faces, hugs and kisses missed. Some years I just wish that day didn't come.

The Mother's Day following the death of our 17 day old preemie son, Caleb, our pastor realized that I was hurting terribly. The death of Caleb had affected many in our church as well. That Mother's Day morning, for the first time that I remember in any church that I had been a part, the pastor honored all moms who had lost children -- miscarriage to adult children. That meant a lot to me. I appreciated it because it acknowledged the lives of my babies.

Even twenty years later, tears still happen suddenly, without warning, without knowing or understanding what has triggered them, though it is not nearly as frequently as it once was. This is especially true around the birth, delivery, and death dates. Time, though, has helped; there are far less tearful bouts than there once was.

But, how do you continue on? How can you suffer loss of this magnitude and still go on?

The Great Comforter helps. He is the translator when I cry out in my prayers; when I don't know how to pray or what to pray. He is the One Who is there in my darkest hours -- in my tears, anger, depression, anguish, despair. He is the One Who carries me through, lifting me up when I cannot go another step. He is the One Who gently prods me to keep going. He is the One Who gives peace in an unexplainable way in the midst of an unfathomable despair.

What I do that helps me is read the Word. King David lost a child to sickness. He grieved himself sorely while the child was sick, so much so that his servants feared telling him when the child died. But, David sensed by the way his people were behaving that the child had died. When asked how he could pull himself together now at the death, David replied:

²²And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live?²³But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:22-23)

I remember in the Word that Jesus was "acquainted with grief." Jesus was fully God, and, yet, He was also fully man. Jesus suffered grief. He knows the pain that it causes. Because of that, I know that when I cry out to Him with my questions, my anger, my depression, and all the other feelings that go along with grief... He knows. He understands.

That is how I view grief now: grief is an acquaintance. It is someone you know. You have had a shared event with them, but they are not someone that you constantly see. Grief isn't something that is always there, but I bump into it from time to time. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes I see it coming. It is like living with a shadow. Shadows are not always present, but we know that they will appear.

The loss of a child is something that you carry all your remaining days. We must go on living, but we do not have to forget. When those tears come, let them fall in memorial to your child, cleansing away the hurt, the loss. It is okay.

When those feelings of loss surface, channel them for good to remember your child. Encouraging or helping others is a wonderful way to help yourself through bouts of grief. Donate toys or clothes to a women's shelter or a pregnancy center, make a Christmas shoebox, choose an angel from an angel tree, send a birthday box to missionary kids, surprise a Sunday school class with ice cream coupons. {Or agree to make 'n' take 10 personal pans of brownies for Nathan and his college friends when we go visit for Thanksgiving! :-) } And, when you feel you have an opportunity to share their short life with another, do so.

The doctors have since told us that I should never have carried Nathan to term. He is our miracle. Little did we know when we named him how appropriate it would be: Nathan - "a gift," Paul - "small." He most definitely is our small gift from the Lord, our blessing. But, I do miss my other children. However, I have a great hope because I know that I will see them one day. There's a saying: Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside you. Four pieces of my heart are running streets of gold right now. Their little lives were short, but they made a huge impact on this world, on my world. I love you Andrew Stephen (20, 18 week delivery), Caleb James "C.J." (16, born at 24 weeks, died at 17 days old), Gabriel (15, 10 week miscarriage), and sweet Naomi Grace, (14, 23 week delivery).

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

2013-10-23T09:53:00.001-04:00

In Christian circles we tend to shun speaking about depression. Often it is seen as spiritual weakness or a "sin problem." It is neither; however, depression could develop into one or the other if not treated and overcome. Depression is a normal emotional response when faced with loss or trying circumstances. Depression can be caused by severe exhaustion or burnout. The problem comes when the individual seems to become "stuck" in a state of depression.

We often see people become overwhelmed with a series of trials, both large and small, compounding the normal response. In two decades of working in ministry, I have seen and heard of many pastors or other Christian leaders who have simply quit ministry, depressed and discouraged, because there were simply so many crises, so many fires to put out, so many hurts, that they could not keep up. Some fell into depression because of one major event, either personally or ministerially. Some went even further and committed suicide. Why? They didn't have the encouragement and support they needed.

But, they are pastors; they are Christians. They should be able to handle it.

A family losing a child is a great trial, a tremendous grief. This family made a significant ministry change and move two years later. They then had several job changes and another move to a different part of town. Additional stress came when Mom became pregnant and placed on bed rest. Unfortunately, all measures the doctors attempted could not help her carry the baby to term. She delivered at 24 weeks. They spent 17 days traveling to and from the hospital NICU to see their baby, waited anxiously during surgery on a heart smaller than your thumb nail, only to have him die in their arms on day 17. The next year she miscarried; he was laid off three times in six months. The following year she again followed her doctors recommendations of surgery and bed rest, only to have their baby girl at 23 weeks. Three infant losses in three years; four infant losses in six years. More lay offs and job changes - including Dad working three jobs a day just to meet the bills; another move across town. Ministry hiccups, disappointments, hurts and betrayals came as well during this time.

All these things occurred over 12 years, most during an 7 year span.

It was in the midst of all this that I found myself in serious trouble. It was not a lack of faith on my part. I was in the Word; I was praying. I was serving in choir, Children's Church and any other area asked. But, I still was in a desert with no oasis in sight.

Professionals might call this complicated grief - the inability to move on from one loss. I call what happened compounded grief, compounded depression. There wasn't a chance to come up for air because there was one loss or stress taking place right after another.

I knew that I needed help when I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. It was by God's grace that I did not. Additionally, I did not want my young son to be the one to find me. It was in the midst of an argument, a rage on my part, that I finally blurted this out to my husband who insisted that I go see a doctor. I did.

I told the doctor I felt like I was at the "kill or be killed" stage. She ran tests and put me on hormonal therapy. Within a month, I was a different person; I physically felt the difference. It was only then that I was able to begin to deal with and heal from all those stressors.

How did it get so far? Why didn't anyone see what was happening?

I think there are two reasons. First, being a ministry wife, I'm not supposed to have feelings like this. I'm supposed to be strong, to be the example of how to handle life's problems, disappointments, griefs. So, I hid it. I played the role that was expected of me. I succumbed to the potential stigma. I didn't feel I had anyone I could talk to without judgment, to talk to freely. Which brings me to the second reason: no one noticed. No one asked how I was doing. And, if they did, they did not push to help. I really think it boiled down to that they didn't see the signs.

One of the keys to healing from depression is to recognize the signs of depression. It was because I did recognize that I was in trouble, and finally told someone, that I was able to heal. Keep in mind, depression is a part of grieving. That is not the problem. It is when someone remains in a state of depression for a prolonged period of time that they may have crossed over to clinical depression. The signs listed here are for watching for clinical depression, the inability to move on and heal from a grief causing event.

Persistent sad, empty, or numb feelings. Blank stares, loss of interest in life or things they once enjoyed. The inability to recognize happiness.
Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness. Persistent pessimism. Inability to see the bright side; to see another way. Blames themselves for what happened (anger turned inward). May fixate on past mistakes. May feel no one cares.
Increased agitation or restlessness. Easily irritated, even over small matters. Quick to anger. Hand wringing, pacing. Inability to sit still.
Fatigue, decreased energy. Inability to finish projects or lists as before. May feel unproductive. Slowed thinking, speaking, or movements. Much effort given to the simplest tasks.
Loss of interest in activities, hobbies, etc. that were once enjoyed. May stop visiting family, decline invitations. May stop participating in hobbies such as reading, crafting, clubs or sports.
Difficulty remembering details, focusing or concentrating. Mental "fog." Taking a long time to complete a complicated process. Forgetting appointments, names, etc. Indecisive. Easily distracted.
Physical signs: sleeping too much or too little (insomnia); overeating or loss of appetite; persistent pain, headaches, stomach issues that do not resolve despite treatment.
Thoughts of death or suicide. Direct statements might include: "I wish I were dead." "I want to end it all." Indirect statements might include: "You'd be better off without me." "I can't go on." "Soon, I won't be around anymore."

The person experiencing clinical depression may not be aware of what is happening to them. It is important to be mindful of the above signs and act to help the person. Depression is one of the most common factors associated with suicide.

If you or someone you know experiences two or more of the above symptoms more often than not for more than two weeks, you or they may be experiencing clinical depression. A "depression quiz" is available here at the Meier Clinic website.

Where can you find help? Begin by talking with a friend or family member, your pastor or a Christian mentor. A medical doctor should also be consulted to check for chemical or hormonal imbalances or other possible physiological causes.

For me, I needed a medical doctor to determine that I was suffering from a hormonal imbalance before I could move on in order to heal.

Depression tends to bring about a spiritual stigma. It shouldn't. Elijah, King David, Job, Jeremiah, Jonah, and Paul are only a few in the Bible who experienced various degrees of depression. It is how we deal with depression that makes all the difference.

Not all those who suffer from depression do so because of a "sin problem." Depression is a natural response to overwhelming situations and, occasionally, from sheer exhaustion. The longer a person stays in a state of depression, however, it can lead to spiritual weakness which may further complicate the situation.

I encourage you to seek the help of your pastor and doctor to help you. If you simply do not feel comfortable with those resources, the Meier Clinic provides a whole body approach to counseling which will deal with physical causes as well as emotional and spiritual causes. Another excellent resource for locating a Christian counselor is the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

Finally, let me encourage anyone in ministry who finds themselves, a family member or, perhaps, the entire family in a situation where you need counseling care to please seek help. Our ministry, Hold Fast the Truth, is completely based on anonymity for any pastor or ministry leader that contacts us, regardless the need. If you need help, but do not know where to turn, please do not hesitate to contact my husband, Evangelist Dan Woltmann, through our ministry website, churchhelps.org. We will do all we can to match you with the help that you need.

No words can express how much the world owes to sorrow. Most of the Psalms were born in the wilderness. Most of the Epistles were written in a prison. The greatest thoughts of the greatest thinkers have all passed through fire. The greatest poets have “learned in suffering what they taught in song.” In bonds Bunyan lived the allegory that he afterwards wrote, and we may thank Bedford Jail for the Pilgrim’s Progress. Take comfort, afflicted Christian! When God is about to make pre-eminent use of a person, He put them in the fire. -- George MacDonald

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Stages of Grief

2013-10-23T09:52:00.003-04:00

No one is immune from the effects of death. Family, friends, co-workers, even an entire community can be affected by the loss of one person. The closer in relationship to the deceased, the more stages of grief you will feel and the longer it will take to go through them. It is important that we are familiar with these stages, not so that we can check them off a list as they occur, but to know that these stages are normal responses. The danger comes when someone seems to get "stuck" on a particular stage causing them to be unable to move forward.

The stages of grief are not a checklist nor will they necessarily occur in order, or in the same order, for each individual. Some may vacillate between several for a while; others may repeat stages. There is no real time frame for "when it will all be over," either. However, it is recommended to not make major decisions for at least a year following the death of someone very close to you.

Most counselors recognize five stages of grief. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial. This is the initial stage. There is shock and disbelief as we first learn of the news. People may initially feel numb. "Why is this happening?" "You must be wrong." "I don't believe it." Denial is a buffer zone, a self-defense, for our minds to be able to slow down and process the information that is coming in. It is important to not sugar-coat necessary information. Speak the truth, but with love and compassion. While those facing the news of the death of a loved one will more quickly accept the news, those facing the news of a terminal illness may attempt to ignore the diagnosis, pushing off decisions that need to be made.
Anger. In this stage, the individual may express his anger in outward ways. Shouting, throwing things, and verbal attacks are good examples. Blame may be placed on people - the doctors, the person who died, those that were with their loved one, even God. Many people turn their anger inward which is known as guilt. "I should have seen the signs." "If only I had,...." Guilt may also occur if the person is angry at the deceased. "Why did you leave me?" When dealing with someone in the anger stage it is important to not take it personally should the anger and rage be turned on you. Try to remain non-judgmental.
Bargaining. An individual may try to reach a deal for a different outcome. "I'll do anything..." "I'll give my life, money, etc." There may also be statements of "If only..." The person may secretly try to bargain with God to change the outcome. Bargaining is another defense mechanism in order to help come to acceptance.
Depression. Loneliness, hopelessness, utter sadness, fear, regret. "Why bother..." "I can't go on." A person may refuse visitors, may spend most of their time in tears, and may not be able to function in their normal routine. These are all a part of depression. We must understand that the depression that occurs following a loss is not the same as clinical depression. However, it is important to note that those who seem to stay in this stage too long may have slipped into clinical depression which may warrant intervention. Remember, though, there is not a time frame to go through the depression stage. Once someone reaches this stage they are beginning to accept the new reality.
Acceptance. Those who reach this stage are not "cured." They simply have come to the place where they can move on with life. While the grief over the loss of their loved one will always be with them, they can now pick up and adjust to life without them.

Not everyone who experiences a loss is able to move on to acceptance. Some remain in the anger, bargaining, or depression stage indefinitely. Those who seem "stuck" may need additional counseling or more support from those around them. Those who attend church may want to speak with their pastor for help in this area. There are also numerous support groups consisting of individuals who have suffered similar loss available today. GriefShare is one such group that deals specifically with those who have suffered the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend.

Again, these "stages" are not check marks on a check list. Once you have "gone through them all" does not mean you have completely healed. Grief is a life long journey; it may appear at any time, without warning, throughout your lifetime. A good illustration is that of recuperating from an injury. While the injury may have healed, pain from it may occur without warning; it is a weak place in the body susceptible to recurrences. All of us at one time or another will experience grief. The important thing to remember is that it is normal.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

What Causes Grief?

2013-10-23T09:52:00.001-04:00

Often we may think that only death causes grief. This simply is not true. Grief can be experienced on many different levels for a variety of reasons.

Life changes.

Death of a spouse.
Death of a parent.
Miscarriage or the death of a child.
Giving a child up for adoption.
Moving. Particularly difficult for children, first-year college students, newly marrieds, and the elderly.
Death of a pet.

Relationships.

Dating break-up, particularly if it was a long relationship.
Marriage. Some people feel loss because their relationship has changed which may bring changes with other relationships. Some may feel a loss of independent decision making.
Birth of a child. Some feel a loss of independent decision making. Some resent lifestyle changes.
Divorce and separation. Not only are the adults affected, but the children and extended family are affected.
Empty-nesting. When a child leaves home, many parents experience varying levels of grief.
A way-ward child.
Friendships. Sometimes friendships end, whether due to arguments or geographical changes.

Health. (These may affect not only the patient but also those that love them and will be caregivers.)

Diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, whether personally or that of a loved one.
Diagnosis of a disorder or medical condition of a child that would cause life-long care, and the loss of the life the parents had hoped for their child.
Diagnosis of infertility.
Personal injury resulting in drastic lifestyle changes and disability.
Personal injury resulting in temporary changes.
Aging. Some grieve the loss of strength, loss of physical appearance or independence.

Work or School.

Failing an exam or failure in a project.
Loss of position or promotion.
Increase in work load or responsibility.
Change of job or school.
Graduation.
Job loss.
Retirement.

Other forms of change.

An act of violence.
Loss of home or possessions due to natural disaster or accident.
Financial loss due to national economic collapse, stock market crash, banking issues, etc.
Change in habits or lifestyle such as quitting smoking, changing diet for health reasons, cutting back spending due to economic loss, etc.

You may look at the lists above and think that some of them are a bit "over reaching" in describing them as "grief-causers." We need to remember that each person is different and, therefore, will respond to the above situations in their own way.

For example, a week or so after Nathan graduated from Kindergarten, he broke out in hives. Although we tried to rule out anything and everything, the hives persisted through over the counter treatment. We took him to the doctor. She checked him and took a history. She asked if he had just graduated from Kindergarten. We said yes. She told us that many times children have difficulty changing their routines, especially when they know that they would not be returning to what they knew as "normal." The hives, in this case, were the physical way to express what he could not express verbally. She gave him some medicine to deal with the hives and encouraged us to keep him talking about the changes and what to expect in the future. {We were switching to homeschooling.} In a way, it was part of his grieving the loss of what he knew.

When we hear of someone experiencing any of the above situations, remember to encourage them. Send a card, make a phone call, buy a bag of groceries, send a pizza (pre-paid, of course!), offer child care -- there are so many things that we can do to help and encourage someone who is suffering from a grief-causing situation.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

2013-10-16T17:07:00.000-04:00

There have been times in my life when I felt that I was suddenly dropped into opposite world. Conversations and events that I was a part of, along with others, were completely turned around. The actions or words that were falsely attributed to me were the very actions or words of those who were repeating the matter in a false way. Some of these situations were harder to take when other individuals, who had been present in the original situation, for fear or perhaps lack of character, began agreeing with the liars. Then, there were those who believed the lie without doing any due diligence by coming to me to seek out the truth.

We used to live in a society of innocent until proven guilty. However, that is no longer the case. All it takes is for a few people to make disparaging remarks or attribute actions that were not committed by the individual and someone’s reputation, business, ministry, or family is damaged. We are more willing to believe the bad about people than we are to believe the good.

In Part 1 of this series, we learned what the Bible says about liars. We now will examine what the Bible says our response to lies should be.

First, anyone who hears disparaging remarks about someone has a biblical responsibility. That responsibility is thoroughly covered in the blog post, Protecting Yourself from Being an Unknowing Gossip.

Additionally, we must follow biblical principles regarding lying.

**Hate lies; love truth.

Psalm 119:104, Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.

Psalm 119:128, Therefore I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right; and I hate every false way.

**Focus our hearts on seeking truth.

Philippians 4:8, Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Proverbs 4:23, Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

**Remove liars from your life. In other words, run; run far away from a liar.

Psalm 101:7, He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.

Proverbs 4:24, Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee.

Proverbs 17:4, A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue.

**Do not allow yourself to become entwined in falsehoods or situations in which someone is destroying the life, reputation, business, or ministry of another.

Exodus 23:7, Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

But, what if I am the victim of lies?

We have excellent examples to follow in God’s Word when we are faced with the trial of lies.

**Jesus, Himself, was falsely accused, yet He answered not.

Matthew 27:12, And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing.

**Stephen, in the budding church in Acts, is another example. The disciples appointed Stephen, along with six other men, to be the first deacons. Acts 6:8, And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people. Nevertheless, men of the synagogue disputed with Stephen and could not overcome his wisdom and spirit. (Acts 6:9-10) These men stirred up the people against Stephen. The word “suborned” in verse 11 means they bribed men to lie.

Acts 6:11, 13, Then they suborned men, which said, We have heard him speak blasphemous words against Moses, and against God. 13 And set up false witnesses, which said, This man ceaseth not to speak blasphemous words against this holy place, and the law:

Instead of defending himself when allowed to speak, Stephen presents salvation through the history of the Jewish people. (Acts 7:1-53) Despite cutting through to their hearts (conviction), they turned on him, took him out, and stoned him. Sometimes, we may suffer wrongs when we serve our Savior.

**King David is a prime Old Testament example of facing liars. From King Saul to his own son, Absalom, David was lied about and had many conspirators against him. When King Saul came after him, David was careful not to touch God’s anointed. King Saul may not have been following God, but David knew it was not his place to correct or address him. When Absalom stole the hearts of the people away from King David, David stepped aside, leaving his position as king in the hands of God. Throughout Psalms, we see David pray for those who lied, focus on the Lord, and leave the outcome of judgment in the Lord’s hands.

Psalm 63:9-11, But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. ¹⁰They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes.¹¹But the king shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.

It is difficult when we are being lied about, having errant rumors spread about us, and having our names and reputations tarnished, at the very least. However, Jesus tells us how to handle these situations.

Matthew 5:11-12 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. ¹²Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

When we decide to take a stand to do right, to follow the Lord and His Word, will and way, we will suffer wrongs for His sake. Remember, God is our defense. He will protect us and judge those who insist on remaining in wickedness, often catching them in their own web of lies.

Psalm 5:9-12 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue. ¹⁰Destroy thou them, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee. ¹¹But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. ¹²For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

For the rest of this series, follow the links below:

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1)

Who is Really Hurt by Lying? (Part 3)

Who Really is Hurt by Lying? (Part 3)

2013-10-16T17:04:00.000-04:00

If you are the victim of lies, then you know the damage that is done to you. Tarnished reputations, loss of business or finances, and, in some cases, alienation from those who you consider family and friends are just a few of the repercussions for the victim.

If you are the liar, you may think that you are innocent. Prolific liars often convince themselves that what they are saying is true; in fact, they become so good at it that they can take the truth and twist and turn it to make it say whatever they want it to say even to the point of creating false documents or photos with just the click of a few computer buttons. While they think they are getting away with something, all they have succeeded in doing is making themselves untrustworthy.

However, a great damage is done when “Christians” or church members lie. We, the church, have a serious problem on our hands.

If you have followed our ministry at all, or read other of my posts, you may have caught that we deal with the worst of the worst in church situations. When Dan’s phone rings, it is often because the pastor and/or church have come to a breaking point. All too often in the last decade or so, the trouble is with the tongue of someone in the church.

I am not exactly sure when it occurred, but the church went through a beautification program on the word “lying”. We now call it “gossip”. Rarely do we hear it preached against. Nonetheless, the world has been and is watching. I know this. How? Because one of the things we do is to talk to the locals to gain an understanding of the community thought regarding the distraught church. You see, once a church has lost its testimony, it becomes ineffective.

How is a church’s testimony damaged? Through the actions and words of the church members. Many of the situations we have dealt with were in small towns. Often, it is after the church has gone through a battle that we learned the truth. It never is good for the church members.

In several situations, we had been inviting those in the community to particular churches. It was after a church blow up in each church that we learned why those individuals would not visit for a fall festival or other such outreach or services. Here are just a few of the statements we heard.

“Now that all this has happened, we just wanted you to know that we didn’t visit because so-and-so attended there. All they do is run down the church they attend. I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid of stirring up trouble.”

“I didn’t visit because several of the members there have done me wrong in business. I can’t trust them.”

“I didn’t visit because so-and-so works for me. I knew he went to church there and he was one of the worst employees I have.”

“I couldn’t understand how you could go to that church. The people (listing several names) are nothing but troublemakers in the office, school, or community. They are always running their mouths.”

What a tremendous testimony these churches had!! (read dripping with sarcasm)

It still strikes me that these unsaved men and women have more scruples about them than the “Christians” who are supposed to be living a life exemplifying Christ.

Unfortunately, those that these statements were made about were the very ones who caused the blow-ups in the churches. These were the ones to set themselves up in leadership in the power vacuum following the blow-ups. These were the ones who had purported themselves for years to be something they were not. These men and women had so described themselves as “somebodies” in the communities in which they lived that the pastors were concerned of losing people if they addressed their sin issues; the pastors feared the bad things they might say about them or the church. (This should have been the first clue there was a problem.) What these pastors did not know was that they were losing far more people who refused even to visit the church because of these people. They were known to be members there, and not in a good way.

Sadly, those churches, as others like them, are a stumbling block to the cause of Christ in those communities. They have caused a hardness that others are now having to combat. It has caused ripple effects into other churches as well as these liars have emboldened others to assume power and position that is not theirs biblically to have.

I keep hearing people use this catch phrase: The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. Why would a sinner want to attend a church to seek help for their sin-sick soul when members of the church have no discretion in repeating everyone else’s problems? We have HIPAA laws to protect our medical privacy. Do we really need those in the church as well? It sends a signal to those hurting and needing help that the church cannot be trusted.

Then, we have church against church, and pastor against pastor tearing one another down. Is it any wonder that the world has a serious distrust of religion and those who supposedly represent it?

There has been a breach of trust. Once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to repair. In taking counseling classes, we learned that for every negative a person experiences, it takes anywhere from 5 to 20 positives to overcome it; to rebuild that trust. Lying, gossiping, talebearing, telling a little white lie… whatever it is called must be stopped. And, it must be addressed in the home and in the church. We do not know the time that the Lord will return, so we must live each day as if it were today. How wonderful to be speaking to a lost and dying world of our Heavenly Father when Christ returns rather than tearing down a fellow brother or sister in Christ.

We need to be ever so careful with our words and our actions. We are not alone in this world. We, as Christians, are here to be a light. That light is snuffed out each time Christians run their mouths about others. Believe it or not, the world does expect us to act in accordance with the Bible that we claim to follow.

For more in this series, follow the links below:

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1)

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1)

2013-09-25T15:17:00.000-04:00

What exactly is a lie? Webster’s Dictionary provides several definitions. As a verb, a lie is to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive or to create a false or misleading impression. As a noun, a lie is an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker to be untrue with intent to deceive, an untrue or inaccurate statement that may or may not be believed true by the speaker, or something that misleads or deceives.

We see the following words often today to describe a lie: a white lie, gossip, a fib or ‘fiblet’, a tall story or tall tale, a misstatement, a misrepresentation, disinformation, a whopper. Innocuous, aren’t they? More shocking are the words: slander, libel, defamation, perjury, backbiting, dishonesty, deceit, fraud. We do not hear these words much any longer to describe a lie, as they are deemed too harsh.

Proverbs 12:17 He that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.

Why would someone lie? Here are a few possibilities.

Self-preservation. In other words, liars attempt to protect themselves from punishment for wrongdoing.
Jealousy. Liars simply want to discredit or hurt the innocent because of jealousy over accomplishments or abilities.
Fear. Often, liars fear the lack of or the potential loss of a position or popularity. In order to achieve or “protect” themselves, they will do whatever it takes to discredit anyone they fear may gain more popularity or position than they currently have.
To gain some perceived advantage. We see this during political campaigns with mud-slinging commercials and “news” articles. However, this has crept into business practices as well; cases are being revealed of false “reviews” of businesses and restaurants in order to hurt the competition or false positive "reviews" in order to gain business. It also occurs in the office and church setting as liars hope to gain a promotion, position or recognition.
Bullying. Some use lying to control and manipulate others in order to accomplish their own desires or agenda.

Proverbs 25:18 A man that beareth false witness against his neighbour is a maul, and a sword, and a sharp arrow.

Isaiah 32:6 For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy, and to utter error against the Lord, to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail.

Today, we seem to expect to be lied to; we do nothing to combat it. In fact, in some countries, it is culturally accepted to lie. God, however, does not see it that way. The Bible has a great deal to say about lying. Our first reference to lying, or deception, is in the story of Eve and the serpent. First references in scripture are very important. Here is the conversation.

Serpent: “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” (Genesis 3:1) (He caused Eve to question what God said, the truth.)

Eve: “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.” (Genesis 3:2-3) (As Eve related what God said, she added to the truth. Here is what God actually said: ¹⁶And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:¹⁷But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. (Genesis 2:16-17)

Serpent: “Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5) (The serpent took God’s word, which Eve had added to, and discredited it. He told Eve that she was being kept away from something; he created a desire in her for something she was not supposed to have.)

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (Genesis 3:6)

This first reference encompasses all there is in deception and lies. Truth is questioned; truth is added to (think of the telephone game); truth is replaced with reasoning (if this, then that); truth is sacrificed for one’s own desires.

Jacob, the Deceiver, stole the blessing from his brother Esau. (Genesis 27:1-29) His Uncle Laban later deceived Jacob over working for Rachel for seven years but giving Jacob Leah instead at the end of that time. (Genesis 29:15-30) Laban also deceived Jacob in his wages ten times over the years. (Genesis 31:7)

When God gave Moses the Law, He addressed lying, deception, tale bearing, and false witnesses multiple times.

Exodus 20:16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Exodus 23:1 Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.

Exodus 23:7 Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

Leviticus 6:5 Or all that about which he hath sworn falsely; he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part more thereto, and give it unto him to whom it appertaineth, in the day of his trespass offering. (See all of Leviticus 6:2-6)

Leviticus 19:11 Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.

Leviticus 19:12 And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the Lord.

Deuteronomy 5:20 Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Deuteronomy 19:16-19 ¹⁶If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong; ¹⁷Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the Lord, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days; ¹⁸And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother; ¹⁹Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.

Perhaps, however, the greatest indication of God’s thoughts regarding lying and deception are found in Proverbs.

Proverbs 6:16-19 ¹⁶These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: ¹⁷A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, ¹⁸An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, ¹⁹A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

God will not tolerate lying. We may try to gloss over it, thinking that it is not a big deal. Judgment of the liar may not be swift, to our minds at least, but judgment will come. Just as when you lied to your parents your lies eventually were exposed, you then received the punishment, not only for the original infraction but also for the lie. Our all-seeing, all-knowing Heavenly Father will enact judgment. How can we know this? Because of His Word.

Psalm 5:6 Thou shalt destroy them that speak leasing [lying]: the Lord will abhor the bloody and deceitful man.

Proverbs 19:5 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.

Proverbs 19:9 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.

Proverbs 21:28 A false witness shall perish: but the man that heareth speaketh constantly.

Proverbs 26:27 Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.

For more in this series, follow the links below:

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

Who Really is Hurt by Lying? (Part 3)

Stay Strong. Finish Strong.

2013-09-11T11:19:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest pleasures that I have in the ministry is to glean from the wisdom of those who have been “at” it longer than I have. The wisdom of those who were saved as children or teens then spent the rest of their lives serving the Lord is simply priceless.

Recently, one of those seasoned saints passed away. I did not have the pleasure of meeting or knowing him, but my twenty-one year old son did. As I listened to Nathan tell me about this man of God and his impact on Nathan’s life, I could not help but cry tears of gratitude. What a blessing to have such an impact on his young life! The man was known as a prayer warrior. Nathan had told him about our ministry. “Mom, I didn’t tell you and Dad about that, but for the last year he’s been praying for you both and the ministry.” “When you look at him you can almost see the presence of God around him.” “He’s the type of Christian you’d call a ‘faithful servant’.” What a testimony that was noticed by a young person!

This man finished strong.

Even though I’ve never met him, he has influenced my life. I want to live my life in such a way that I finish strong. I want to have the impact in my old age on young people that this man had. I don’t want to “retire” from ministry or service to my Lord.

Psalm 71:9, Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth.

All too often though many seasoned saints “retire” from Sunday school teaching or singing in the choir or helping around the church or any number of other ministry areas. Yes, strength and stamina wane as we age, but that is when we need to work smarter, not harder. Find someone younger who has the energy then train and direct that energy. Eventually you will have trained your replacement, allowing you to move on to train someone else.

Job 12:12, With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.

Psalm 71:18, Now also when I am old and greyheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.

Mentoring the next generation is a great need today. I’m not just talking about children and teens. Many couples and families are struggling today. The world philosophy has so inundated their thought processes that they have difficulty rightly discerning truth from God’s Word. Sometimes it helps if someone who has walked in their shoes offers to help them through their journey; to show them that following Biblical principles really does work; that God will be there for them even in what seems like their darkest hour. No, not everyone is going to want you interfering in his or her lives. However, if the Lord opens the door for you to encourage a couple or family, take the opportunity.

Psalm 92:13-15 ¹³Those that be planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish in the courts of our God. ¹⁴They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing; ¹⁵To shew that the Lord is upright: he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Have you ever wondered why some older people are “crotchety” and some are simply sweet? It all depends where they are planted. Some of the sweetest people I know are those who have spent their lives serving the Lord… and continue to do so even in their old age. As long as there is breath, you can still bring forth fruit to the Lord.

Isaiah 46:4 And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.

What an encouragement that the Lord will continue to deliver us in our old age. Remember, God never changes. He is there for us in our old age as He was in our younger years. And, oh, what a thought that when we think (and maybe feel) that we can go on no longer, He carries us.

We have no excuse or reason for “retiring” from the service of the Lord. Right now, I am thinking of an older pastor whose body simply is failing. He is in and out of the hospital practically weekly. Although he acknowledges discouragement for his physical condition, he looks for those "divine appointments" of ministry wherever he is - hospital, dialysis, doctor's office waiting rooms. He knows that God has placed him in this task to reach those who may not be reached any other way. It is for us to be faithful to His work until He comes again or calls us home… regardless of our age or our physical condition.

2 Timothy 4:6-7 ⁶For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.⁷I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

As Nathan talked to me about the last few days of this man’s life, Nathan said it was if the man knew his time on earth was done. He went into surgery knowing it was risky, but content that either way the surgery went, he was going to be fine. He awoke in Glory! Oh, to fight a good fight and finish what the Lord would have me to do. To hear the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Stay strong. Finish strong.

Teaching a Life of Excellence

2013-08-08T16:36:00.000-04:00

This last week you may have seen the news story about the young man who was denied the bonus money in Final Jeopardy for misspelling the correct answer. He wasn't in the running to win the whole show, only for extra money. The uproar against host Alex Trebek and the show has been... well, I should say "unbelievable," but I'm afraid I'm not shocked.

In a world where kids are given awards for “best art project for Spring” or “best writing of the letter ‘A’” is it any wonder that we have kids who cannot handle disappointment and defeat? This is why I'm not, nor have ever been, a fan of "everyone gets a trophy" in little league. From what I’ve been led to understand, the same is now true for school end-of-year award ceremonies. EVERYONE must receive at least one certificate or trophy regardless of the insignificance of the “accomplishment”; the former ‘build-their-little-egos’ go-to “participation” award no longer suffices.

Sadly, I’ve seen this world philosophy filter into our churches as well. Children’s ministry award nights have become ridiculous. One church actually gave out “perfect attendance” awards for MISSING one or fewer club meetings. How can we then stand and teach of God’s perfection when we have clearly redefined “perfection?” Kids are far smarter than we give them credit. They do understand when we say one thing and do another which leads to confused kids. They know when they receive an award that is phony and insignificant.

Disappointments come. Failures occur. Someone just may be better at something than you are. Learning how to deal with these things as a child only helps them be a stronger less reliant on society adult.

I once misspelled a word on a Spanish test. Instead of a 100, I received a 98. The answer was correct, simply misspelled. A fellow student also misspelled the same answer, but received credit for it. (Their grade was not nearly as high.) I asked the teacher about it. Her thickly Cuban accented reply, "Melissa, you are such a good student. I expect better of you." That made a HUGE impact on me... not negatively, but to encourage me to live a life striving for the best, not perfection, but of excellence. (Thank you, Mrs. Richardson, for the life lesson!!)

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

The purpose of “everyone should receive an award so that they don’t feel bad about themselves” sounds like a good idea. But, it only sounds like it. Satan is the great liar. He takes God’s truth and twists it ever so slightly to appeal to our sinful nature… without our realizing or identifying it. That’s what he did to Eve; it is what he does today.

No one wants to lose, but an award for doing nothing or for a mediocre performance, over time, will be more demoralizing than learning to deal with the loss, disappointment, and failure at the time that it happens.

Instead, let’s focus on what the Bible teaches regarding accomplishments.

1. Remember to do all to the glory of God. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

2. Work with a spirit of excellence in mind. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. Ecclesiastes 9:10

3. Our reaction to disappointments and struggles is a testimony revealing our character. …7b there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

4. We must be faithful in little things in order to receive greater rewards. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Matthew 25:21

5. The Lord uses our disappointments, losses, and failures to His glory. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

6. Sometimes, God uses struggles to drive us closer to Him. 8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: 9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Teaching our children these lessons when disappointments, trials, losses, and struggles come during the training years will net us adult children ready to move forward into the world with a strong sense of Who God is, who they are in Him, and a willingness to trust Him in both the good times and the bad.

The Offender and the Offended

2013-07-25T13:11:00.000-04:00

At some point in our lives, someone has done something in which we felt we were hurt or betrayed. We felt that our “rights” were trampled upon. We may have actually been wronged, suffering loss in someway whether by a damaged reputation, loss of finances or by damaging relationships with those closest to us.

We were offended.

Conversely, at some point in our lives, we have been the one that caused hurt feelings or betrayed someone. We disrespected another making them to feel as if their “rights” were trampled upon. We did damage another’s reputation, caused an individual to suffer financial loss, or created a rift not only in the relationship between the two but also between that individual and others.

We were the offender.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest

that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way;

first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In Matthew 5:23-24, we see that it is the responsibility of the offender to go make it right with the one offended. Notice, it says that if “thy brother hath ought against thee.” This would include offenses that may only be a perceived offense, a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If we did sin against another individual or if we simply know that someone is upset with us, it is OUR responsibility to go to the person to make it right.

Those of us who were offended agree wholeheartedly with these verses. The offender should take responsibility because they are the one who sinned. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. I was wronged. They hurt my feelings. However,…

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault

between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As the one who was offended, we bear an equal responsibility in restoring the relationship. If someone offends us in some manner, it is OUR responsibility to go to that individual to restore the relationship.

So, what you are saying is that no matter if I was offended or if I were the offender, if there is a rift in a relationship I am responsible for trying to restore it?

Yes.

But, what if they don’t want to listen? What if they don’t want to make it right?

Matthew 18:16-17 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Matthew 18:16-17 are the verses that most people will jump to for an offense, regardless of the severity of the offense. However, we need to examine if the offense truly rises to that level, the level of church discipline. Often, it does not. We make mountains out of molehills. We blow up a minor disagreement into world war.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth:

We must rely on charity (love) in these situations. Some offenses are so minor that we should simply let them go. Be the bigger person.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Nineteen times in the New Testament we are told to love one another usually, in context, reminding us that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. How can we possibly hold an offense over someone when God has forgiven us of so much more?

Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city:

and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.

But, I’ve gone to them. They don’t want to make it right. They don’t want to restore the relationship.

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

If we have done all we can to restore a relationship, whether it is to let pass the least offense or gone to the person in order to reconcile the relationship, then our final responsibility is to live as peaceably as possible with the individual. In some cases, it may mean simply staying away from the individual as much as possible. But if you must interact with the person, follow the principle found in the final verses of Romans 12.

Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him;

if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

We are imperfect beings. We are going to be hurt and we are going to offend others. It is our responsibility, regardless of which side of the situation we find ourselves, to shore up relationships. Why? Because we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We must be an example to a lost and dying world of the love of Christ. We cannot accomplish that if we are bickering and fighting amongst ourselves, or are holding grudges and being unforgiving.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you

that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,

2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,

forbearing one another in love;

3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

Serving, Helping, or Fixing?

2013-05-05T20:30:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago I read an article in which the author described the difference between serving, helping, or fixing. The context was not spiritual in nature, but the application that I took away from it definitely was.

In our several decades of ministry, we have heard repeatedly, “What can I be in charge of for _(event)_?” Just fill in the blank for whatever event that there can be in a church. While I’m sure the individuals were sincere in their question, we have since learned that the interpretation of that question by the individual often meant something entirely different from what we had in mind.

You see, the phrase “in charge of” implies that you will be the one to whom others answer. You will dictate the agenda, the details, the organizing. If you are the one organizing the entire event then that phrase is appropriate to use. The person “in charge” is the one who will be held accountable. This person will be the one who will have to answer if things do not go well. This person will be the one who will receive the accolades when things do go well.

But, not everyone can be “in charge” -- especially when organizing a Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, Junior Church, a banquet, a conference, etc. Even a bee hive knows there is one queen but many workers. In the church, confusion should not reign. 1 Corinthians 14:33,For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

So, we have tried to throw out the phrase “in charge of” when asking someone to assist in the ministry. One church we know uses the phrase “responsible opportunity to serve.” I think that is the best way to approach asking others to assist. Why? Let’s look at the differences between the words fixing, helping, and serving.

When we think of the word “fixing,” we think of repairing something that is broken. Instead of focusing on the whole, we only see a part. Instead of accepting the person, result, or thing, we make a judgment. We can only perceive that something is wrong which therefore needs our assistance to make right. Fixing creates a distance in relationship; the one being “fixed” will not feel able to attain our level. “If you would only do it this way…” Our attitude is not one of holiness, but of holier than thou.

The most popular word that we hear is “help.” “How can I help?” This implies that the person to whom the request is made is unable to achieve the goal without me. When we have the attitude of helping, we imply that there is inequality in the relationship. We use our own strength, talent, or capability to assist someone with lesser strength, talent, or capability. We act only in those areas where we are strong; we do not consider areas where we might need to stretch and grow. We do not volunteer to help if we perceive someone else with greater talents and abilities than us; we do not want to be shown up. We also show that we are unwilling to learn something new. We "help" to improve our ego; we "help" to improve others opinions about us.

Helping also suggests that “you owe me one.” The individual that we help incurs a debt. We attach strings to our actions, our money, and our time. “I don’t think we should spend the church’s money that way.” “I’ve already been to church three times this week plus an extra choir practice.” We see our help as entitlement to have a say. When we help, we have a sense of satisfaction in what “we have done.” Our help becomes self-centered rather than Christ-centered.

The word “serving,” however, is much different. It is unnatural. A servant heart attitude is knowing we are being used for something that is greater than we are. A servant does not expect anything in return. Servants forget about their strengths and weaknesses; servants give their all, their whole self. A servant comes alongside another willing to do what is necessary to get the job done. A servant does not feel the need to be “in charge;” they are content to be the hands, the feet, and the body to accomplish the goal.

We can fix and help without serving. We can serve without fixing or helping. The three can appear very similar to those around us. The difference is internal; it is about the heart. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are serving. Fixing and helping is about us, the ego. Serving is about the soul, our relationship with Christ, and others.

How do we know when we have gone from serving to fixing or helping? Fixing and helping is draining. We consume ourselves; after a time, we have nothing more to give. We burn out; we may even think about quitting. We see life as broken and individuals as weak. Serving, on the other hand, sustains us. We see life as whole. We use our experiences, suffering, grief, joys, and accomplishments to serve the needs of others. We are able to serve willingly because we have something to share. In giving of ourselves with no thought of receiving anything in return, we are filled with a renewed and unexplainable strength from the Lord. It is supernatural.

As I thought about these three words, I was reminded I needed to make sure that I am serving… not fixing and helping. Do I limit my service because I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone? Do I limit my service because someone else is more talented than I am? Is my tiredness in ministry because I am serving from the point of view of self? Am I doing so much in order to build self in the eyes of others? Do I willing volunteer when I see a need or when the need is presented? Am I looking for a place to serve or a place to help and fix? These are hard questions but necessary for anyone… whether in full-time ministry, a layworker, or a church member. Which word describes you today?

Protect Yourself from Being an Unknowing Gossip

2013-03-14T15:36:00.000-04:00

Most of us know what gossip is… when it is about us. However, we sometimes have difficulty identifying it when we are in a conversation. A very informal definition of gossip might be a casual conversation about others which may involve details that are not confirmed as true. Often people gossip simply because they don’t know what else to say; they need to fill an awkward silence. Gossip is a problem in the workplace, in the church, and, yes, even in families.

Gossip is a divider of people, of co-workers, of friends, of family. Proverbs 16:28, A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. Proverbs 17:9, He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.

Gossip hurts. Gossip causes a physical and emotional response in the victim. Gossip can affect people’s reputations, their jobs and livelihoods, and their relationships. Proverbs 18:8 and 26:22, The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.

A gossip is notorious for denying talking about people or spreading rumors. It is very difficult to determine the originator of a rumor or false statement. Why? Because they make sure to be as sweet, loving, and concerned as can be to deflect attention away from them. Proverbs 20:19, He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.

As they say, “It takes two to tango.” Well, it takes two to gossip as well – the teller and the hearer. How do you protect yourself from being an unknowing gossip?

Guard your own conversation. It is in idle chit-chat where most gossip occurs. Those lulls in conversation do not need to be filled with “details.” If the conversation is over, either change the subject or move on. A good rule of thumb to follow: if the comments are not positive and uplifting, or the person being spoken about is not present, it shouldn’t be said. Matthew 12:36, But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
Do not speculate. “Why wasn’t Gail at the ladies meeting?” “Well, you know her sister is in town and she is in some kind of trouble…. She probably had to help her.” Silly, isn’t it? But, it happens all the time. A simple, “I don’t know,” in response would suffice. Proverbs 17:4, A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue.
Stop the conversation by saying, “I don’t need to know.” In other words, you are telling the gossiper that you want no part of the conversation. A few times of hearing this phrase will assure you of being kept out of “the loop.” Proverbs 26:20, Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.
Stop the conversation with praise and good words. If you are in a group where the phrase “I don’t need to know” may not be able to be used, you can deflect the gossip by speaking words of praise and good words about the person. “Why, I just can’t believe that about Sam. Yesterday, he was so nice to help me with the bags I was bringing into the building.”
Go to the person being talked about or whom the rumor may adversely affect. We have seen several situations that if the hearers of the rumors had gone to the victim immediately several church blow ups would have been avoided. After the damage had been done, several went to the victims, apologized, and said they thought the victim had known. Many times if this was done immediately much hurt, anger, bitterness, and false statements would be avoided. As Barney Fife says, “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!” Matthew 18:15-17, 15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. If someone comes to you with a story about another, offer to go with him or her to the victim to find out the truth. More likely than not, the gossiper will not want to do so. Follow up on gossip and rumors. If someone comes to you with gossip, go to the person anyway. Often the victim is the last to know about what is being said. This simple act will do wonders for the victim.
Accept that you do not need to know (or tell) all the details. Too often a “prayer request” turns into gossip. Those in ministry (full-time, part-time, and lay workers) often find themselves in situations where they are privy to many details. It is not your job to disseminate those details to others. If the person you are speaking to 1) is not part of the situation directly, or 2) is not able to help resolve the situation (authority figure), then do not repeat it to them. As for a “prayer request”, it is best to keep prayer requests as general as possible; God knows the details. Proverbs 11:13, A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
Remember, a talebearer is judged by God. Leviticus 19:16, Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the Lord.

Today, society winks at gossip; we consider it part of our social discourse. In fact, some believe that gossip helps to keep society “in check.” But God doesn’t “wink” at gossip. Three of the seven things listed as abominations in Proverbs 6 deal with the tongue. God doesn’t “dislike” gossip… He HATES it. Oh that we would have His heart on this matter.

Proverbs 6:16-19, 16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: 17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Preparing MOM for College

2013-02-20T20:03:00.000-05:00

Ah, Spring! It’s almost here. Birds chirping, fresh green leaves on the trees, fuzzy chicks, ducks, and bunnies everywhere. The beginning of so many things -- new growth, new births -- newness abounds.

Unless you are the mother of a high school senior. In this case, it is the “lasts” of things. Our focus is on the never again’s. The last ball game. The last report card. The last prom. The last concert. The last recital. As the days of April and May speed by so do the “lasts”.

Psst. Mom. From a mom who has been there, it WILL be okay. Tears are going to come. Let them. Let your kid see them. Just keep boxes of tissues everywhere you may find yourself – the car, the sofa, by the bed, in your purse, at your desk, etc. But, do one thing for me, for them. Change the attitude. Do not allow yourself to focus on the sad tears of it all being over. Instead, let the tears fall as happy tears of what has been accomplished. Your child has accomplished a great deal. Twelve years of education (13 or 14 depending on kindergarten)! You have accomplished something. You have reared a child to adulthood! CeLeBrAtE!!

In August or September, many new, young adults will head off to college (some to military service)… and leave mom at home. In September, 2010 I was that mom. Not only did he leave me at home, he left us an empty nest. At the ripe “old” age of 42, my husband and I found ourselves empty-nesters. But for us, we realized it before it was to be a shock. And we prepared. So, Mom, let me share my infinite wisdom on this matter. Well, maybe, not infinite, just what helped us with the transition.

When the Young Man began 9^th grade, the first year of high school, I had the “light-bulb moment” that he would be graduating in four years. Four years is not a long time. Four years before he had been in 5^th grade. Now he’s in 9^th? How did that happen? I also realized that would mean a BIG change in our house. No more kids at home!!! Woo Hoo! {Trust me, you will embrace that eventually. :-)}

In all seriousness, I was concerned. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who only worked outside of the home a total of one year or so up until then. Although I had a teaching degree, I did not see myself going back into the classroom. I also knew that many mothers do not handle this transition well. At all. I didn’t want to be one of “those” mothers. What was a girl to do? We began thinking about it, off and on, for the next several years, came up with a “plan” and began preparing ourselves for the “just us” days.

1. Land the helicopter. Maybe you have heard of the term “helicopter parent”. If not, briefly explained, it is over-parenting. It is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child's experiences and problems. These parents intervene with peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, and in some cases, bosses, if they feel their child is not treated fairly. They are very overprotective; they would prefer their child not face any adversity, have any hurts. This is not healthy. Children and teens who do not learn how to take up for themselves become adults who cannot take care of themselves. Your role as a parent will change from dictator to that of advisory council when your child leaves the nest. Begin at every opportunity possible when they are children and teens to advise them without interfering. In other words, unless it is a matter of safety, let them fight their own battles.

2. Prepare for the change in family dynamics. Just as your family dynamics changed as you added each child, they will change again as each child leaves the nest. In our case, we went from a family of three to a family of two in one fell swoop. It was an adjustment to cook for two again; cooking for a teenage boy is like cooking for five. House chores were different. Laundry for two doesn’t take as long as for three. The family calendar cleared dramatically. Many adjustments were made on the home front. If you have more children at home, life will be different. Prepare for those changes just as you did when you added the baby.

3. Prepare for the silence. This is especially true if this is an only child or your last one at home. When they go off for a week of camp, don’t go with them as the chap. While they are gone, take a day and turn off all appliances and noise makers. Hear that? Yep. That is the sound of silence. Embrace it. It is not the enemy. I have found that my 45 year old brain relishes the peace and calmness of that silence. This has been a time of great spiritual growth, self-discovery, and of picking up dreams put aside when the child came along. It is a new season of life, a new beginning for me as well.

4. Plan for a “new” you. What are you going to do with all the extra time? That was the question I asked myself. Make a list of hobbies you might like to try… crochet, knitting, painting, etc. What volunteer opportunities are available for you in your area? Church? Retirement home? Hospital? If you have always been a stay at home mom, you may want to consider getting a job. Update your work skills. Take classes. Change careers if you have been at the same occupation for a time. I believe that all of us have a secret dream of some sort. What is yours? Why not use this time to do something about it?

5. Not all the sadness is because the child has left the nest. One aspect that many moms do not consider is that there are serious hormonal changes taking place in our bodies as our children leave the nest. Whether peri-menopause or menopause, these changes wreck havoc with us physically and emotionally. As we would recommend a new mom to have her hormones checked for post-partum depression, it might be a good idea to have your hormones checked during the emptying of the nest as well. Extreme fatigue, sadness, and even depression could be signs that hormonal changes are taking place on top of the emotions you are feeling as your child leaves home.

6. If you haven’t learned it yet, learn to say NO. When your child calls home homesick, upset, and otherwise ready to come home, say, “No.” It isn’t easy, especially when they are crying. Your heart will break. You will cry when you hang up the phone. But be strong… for them. Because when you can encourage them through this inevitable aspect of leaving home for an extended period, you will teach them to be strong. You can ask our Young Man. He knew BEFORE we left him at college that quitting was not an option. Still, he called. Still, he asked, prefacing it with, “I know, I know, I can’t come home, but…” And today, he is ever grateful that we pushed him to push through.

7. Prepare to hear the words, “I wish I had listened,” or “You were right.” YES!! It is TRUE!! It makes those junior high and high school years worth it… well, maybe not worth it, but at least you now will feel appreciated. That first semester or two these words were sweeter to my ears than, “I love you, Mom.” Hang in there, mom.

8. Prepare for the retirement years. Yes, that’s right, and I don't mean financially. The fastest growing segment of population heading to divorce court is that of the retiree. Why? Well, after the nest empties, the Mrs. has her routine, the Mr. went off to work with his routine. They saw one another only a few hours a day. THEN… retirement. The Mr. is now home all.the.time! Where is the Mrs.'s peace and quiet that she learned to embrace once the kids left? If you have not been in the habit of a date night, start one. Run errands together. Take weekends away. Take vacations together. Make out on the couch… remember, NO KIDS to say, “Ewww!” No more worries about having to lock doors (wink, wink). Stay connected with your husband. Don’t allow your relationship to drift apart searching for something to keep you occupied after the kids leave the nest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) We are to teach our children to leave our nest to go start their own. We are to teach our children to serve God. If we have followed God’s Word in the area of equipping them in God’s Word then we have done well. This is a new season for all, both parent and child. God has a purpose. Rest in that purpose.

365 Days

2012-12-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

One year. 365 days. Seems like a long time, doesn’t it? I’m still trying to figure out what happened to 2012. Many plans accomplished, some still in progress, some never begun. In the next few days, many of us will pull out our new calendars to fill them in. Others will make resolutions in many different areas, particularly health and fitness goals. I would like to challenge you to consider making some spiritual goals.

One of the questions that has stuck with me the most over the years is: are you closer to the Lord now than you were a year ago? It is a convicting question. Regardless of where we are in our Christian journey, there is room for improvement.

Below are suggestions to consider as spiritual goals. Remember, it takes 3 to 4 weeks for a habit to be established. Choose one or more, but, instead of trying to accomplish multiple goals at the same time, spread them out over months. When one goal becomes a habit, add the next. Don’t be discouraged if you slip up, Satan likes to use that to defeat you. Just pick up where you left off. Most of all, ask the Lord to help you accomplish the goal for Him.

Daily devotional reading. If you are just beginning, don’t try to do too much at first. You will become discouraged. Read a Proverbs a day to get you going. Choose a verse to dwell on for the day. (Often the verse “chooses” you.) If you are experienced in this area, change up your devotional routine; do something different. Try a word study. Choose a passage of Scripture to go through word by word. Thoroughly study a Bible principle or doctrine.

Read through the Bible. This goal is great for establishing discipline in our lives as well as familiarizing us with God’s Word. However, if you are like me, you may find yourself struggling once you reach the genealogies. There are numerous plans available for reading the Bible. Most Bible reading plans are for a year, but there are those set up for as long as 3 years to as little as 90 days. Some plans provide variety by reading a little from the Old Testament and New Testament each day. One plan in particular that I find helpful, especially for beginners or those project oriented, is the Read through the Bible Plan for Shirkers and Slackers. Although not calendar based, it does have specific sections of the Bible to read each day.

Shake up your prayer life. Our prayer life is very important. Prayer is our way of communicating with our Lord and Savior. There are several aspects and areas you may want to consider improving through the year.

Conversational prayer. The Bible says to pray without ceasing. To do this we in essence have a running conversation with the Lord all day. As you are cleaning, driving, or working simple talk to the Lord about what you are doing. If someone comes to mind, pray for them. Believe it or not, you do not need to know details of a person's situation to effectively pray for them. The Lord already knows; ask Him to help and encourage them even though you don't know the reason.
Corporate prayer. Are you terrified of being called on to pray in a social setting? Ask the Lord to help you step out of your comfort zone this year to pray when asked in a group.
Closet prayer. This type of prayer is specific time set aside to pray for others as well as needs. Establish an organized way in which to pray for requests whether a journal, note cards, or prayer list. Date entries when added and when answered. This tool will encourage you when you are discouraged.
Prayer and fasting. Many people are afraid of this area of prayer. Typically, fasting does mean going without food for a period of time with the mindset of setting that time aside to get hold of God for a specific need. It requires sacrifice on our part. Fasting does not necessarily mean you need to go a day or more without sustenance. You may choose to go without one meal each day for a few days or longer setting aside the time you would have had for the meal for prayer. Some choose to go without a specific type of food for a period of time and also set aside a specific amount of time dedicated to pray for the request. If you have a health concern that may prevent you from a food fast, you could choose to fast from television, the internet, or other activity using that time instead to pray.

Commit to do. Each year thousands upon thousands of people commit to beginning a physical fitness goal. This can also be done with a spiritual goal. Commit to serve faithfully in a specific area for the Lord in your local church. If your church already has pre-scheduled weekly areas of service available to the church body such as church visitation, a letter writing ministry to missionaries or shut-ins, or any number of other ministries, start by becoming a faithful servant in one of these areas. If you are already faithful in one or more of these areas go to your pastor, explain your goal for the year, and ask if there is anything additional you can do at your church.

Change of diet. This is a case of the “garbage in, garbage out” rule. Re-evaluate your entertainment choices. Examine your relationships. What are your feeding your mind and soul? What goes in will eventually come out. In our physical diet, we are healthiest when we fill our bodies with good food; many diet gurus will also tell us to be careful of our relationships as some people tend to sabotage our diet and fitness goals. The same is true for our spiritual diet. We often wonder why we struggle with worry, anger, jealousy, among other things. A change in diet will do wonders.

Change your thinking. This is a bit more than a change of diet. This challenge will cause you to dig deep for what you truly believe. It will reveal worldly philosophies that have crept into your thinking and belief system polluting the absolute truth of God’s Word you thought you knew. To change your thinking you will need to start asking two new questions and remove one.

Remove the question: what is wrong with that? All too often, when this question is asked it is with a rebellious attitude, however subtle it may be. (I should know, I’ve said it many times myself.) However, even if asked with an attitude of truly wanting the truth, the question leaves open the ability to rationalize the answer instead of providing absolute truth.
Add the question: what is right with that? By changing your mindset to finding what is right with a situation you begin to train your heart, mind, and soul to accept only absolute truth as the answer. In other words, the Bible will become the final authority for each situation you face.
Add the question: why? This question works in tandem with “what is right with that?” in that you must determine a few things. Every aspect of your life needs to have an answer to the question “why?” Why do you do what you do? Do you have a verse for your actions? Do you have a Bible principle that you stand on? Does your principle or action violate any other principle in the Bible? Why do you believe what you believe?

These are only a few goals you may want to consider. But don't think you need to wait for January 1st. Choose any day: a birthday, anniversary or any random day. The day you begin doesn't really matter. What does matter is the answer a year later to this question: are you closer to the Lord now than you were a year ago?

Feel free to share spiritual goals you have done in the past or ones you may be considering now to encourage others. For a list of Bible reading plans, online devotionals, and other Bible study resources go to churchhelps.org Bible study page.

"All we can do is pray..."?

2012-11-07T17:55:00.000-05:00

"All we can do is pray."

I've seen or heard that statement more times than I care to think about since the election results were announced. And it concerns me greatly. You see, that is not all we can do. It is not all we should be doing. I am hoping that the results of November 6th will sound as a wake up call to Christians... not denominations, churches, etc. Christians. Individuals. Christians who believe Jesus is the only answer. Christians who believe that Jesus did not come here to "solve our problems", political or otherwise, but that He came here to "seek and to save that which was lost" so that we can live eternally with God.

We've been told what to do in order to "heal our land." Yes, prayer is part of it. But there is so much more involved. God cannot hear us until we follow HIS plan. And that is something that we, Christian, are failing to do... over and over again.

If my people, which are called by my name, shall HUMBLE themselves, and PRAY, and SEEK my face, and TURN from their wicked ways; THEN will I HEAR from heaven, and will FORGIVE their sin, and will HEAL their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

Humble ourselves. Not an easy thing. Humble defined is not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission. This certainly doesn't describe the world. Unfortunately, it does not describe the church. It doesn't describe many Christians either. This is evidenced by the actions of individuals in the church. It is evidenced by behaviors within the family. It is evidenced by Christian workers in the work place. We see authority usurped at every turn. We are not willing to be submissive. The word in this passage is a verb, an action verb. We must bring ourselves into subjection to the authorities that God has placed over us: the Bible as the foundation of all we do, husbands and fathers in the home (Eph. 5:24. 25; 6:1), pastors in the church (Heb. 13:17), bosses in the work place (Col. 3:22), and, yes, even government leaders (Romans 13).

Pray. Yes, we can pray. But, we must HUMBLE ourselves AND PRAY. They are not separate here. They go together. He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination. (Proverbs 28:9) The LORD is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous. (Proverbs 15:29)

Seek. Again, another action verb. The definition of "seek" is to resort to, go to; to go in search of, look for, to try to discover; to ask for, request; to try to acquire or gain. Are we really seeking after God? How much time in a day do we spend in prayer and Bible study? Contrast that with other activities. Our nation isn't divided. We are divided within our own spirit. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. (James 4:8)

My face. Strong's Concordance also provides the words countenance, presence, and person for the word "face". Whose face are we to seek? The LORD's. The caps aren't an effort at emphasis. In the King James Bible when the word "LORD" is capitalized it stands for "Jehovah," the most special name of God. It is the LORD Who is speaking in 2 Chronicles 7:14. It is His face, His presence, His person who we are to seek.

Turn. The GPS has spoiled us. Now, if we are going the wrong way, that annoying voice simply says, "Recalculating," providing us with an alternate route. In the days before the GPS, we stopped and turned around. That is what we need to do today. We must stop "recalculating" trying to find an alternate path to what the LORD would have us do. Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. (Matthew 7:13-15) Turning also means to repent. Repenting isn't just saying, "I'm sorry." It is the act of not repeating the offense.

From our wicked ways. We think of wickedness as something that is morally very bad. Murder is a "big" one. "I haven't committed murder." Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. (1 John 3:15) Adultery is another one where we may think we are okay. But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:28) Paul tells the church of Colosse that they need to continue moving away from fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: (Colossians 3:5) but that now they also need to put off anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds. (Colossians 3:8-9) God doesn't classify sins as "big" and "little". Sin is sin. Until we turn from what God considers wicked He will not hear us.

Just a little background on 2 Chronicles 7:14. Solomon had completed the temple, God's house, that his father, David, had desired to build. Solomon, the priests and Levites, and all the children of Israel spent days dedicating the temple. (2 Chronicles 5-7) In 2 Chronicles 6:14, Solomon begins praying, asking the LORD to come dwell in the house built for Him. (Today we would call this the church.) Now when Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the Lord filled the house. (2 Chronicles 7:1) After the week of feasting ends, Solomon sends everyone home, happy and joyful that the work was done. The LORD comes to Solomon and tells him how to heal the land if judgment comes. He also warns Solomon, (2 Chronicles 7:19-22)

But if ye turn away, and forsake my statutes and my commandments, which I have set before you, and shall go and serve other gods, and worship them; Then will I pluck them up by the roots out of my land which I have given them; and this house, which I have sanctified for my name, will I cast out of my sight, and will make it to be a proverb and a byword among all nations. And this house, which is high, shall be an astonishment to every one that passeth by it; so that he shall say, Why hath the Lord done thus unto this land, and unto this house?

And it shall be answered, Because they forsook the Lord God of their fathers, which brought them forth out of the land of Egypt, and laid hold on other gods, and worshipped them, and served them: therefore hath he brought all this evil upon them.

We need to get our houses in order.

First, our own lives. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? (1 Corinthians 6:19)

Second, our homes. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:24-25) Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1)

Finally, our churches. Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. (Hebrews 13:7, 17)

All we can do is pray? No, there is more, so much more.

Did It Make You or Break You?

2012-10-08T20:06:00.003-04:00

This morning I filled out an alumni information form for the Christian school where I graduated. They will be celebrating 40 years in a few weeks - a great accomplishment! Of course, these things tend to cause a great deal of retrospection and introspection. And, as I thought about those days, I was reminded of many who grew up during the same decades and what has taken place since.

If you ask many who attended Christian schools in the 70's, 80's, and early 90's you may hear a consensus of anger and, in some cases, that has turned to bitterness regarding their time in school. At the very least, there are tinges of derision, resentment, or scoffing. This also can be said of IFB churches during that same time. How do I know this? I see it on FaceBook and message boards. I hear it in conversations. Why?

The argument will be "that church" or "that school" did X.Y.Z. to me. Who did/do they think they were/are telling us how to dress, live, conduct ourselves? They let this group get away with ____ but when we did it they lowered the boom. (Yes, it did happen. No, you didn't imagine it. Inconsistency is possible by anyone... just ask your own kids.) Some will say that they (authority) did not follow God's Word; they twisted God's Word to make us do what they wanted.

I graduated from high school... well, ahem... in 1985. I graduated from a Christian college in 1989. I grew up in an IFB church and in the years since I have remained in and served in IFB churches. I have been accused over the years of "drinking the Kool-Aid." However, if those accusers would have spent a little time talking to me instead of accusing me they would have seen that I poured out the "Kool-Aid" long ago.

In our ministry, we see the worst of the worst in people... monthly, weekly, sometimes daily... often when things are at their darkest. We have dealt with pastors and their families who were utterly devastated by "their people", usually deacons, sometimes other staff, occasionally a group of disgruntled members. We've heard what these "godly" people have said to the pastor's kids and wives. We've seen how these men and, yes, sometimes those "sweet Christian" women, have gossiped, gone house to house and business to business as talebearers, and out right lied about pastors, their wives, and their kids. We have counseled with PK's (and their parents) who have said, "The CHURCH hurt me. I don't want anything else to do with it." Hmm....

We've also dealt with those who feel they have been bound and chained by the do's and don'ts of a "dictatorial pastor", a "tyrannical administrator", etc. We've heard every story under the sun of "all the financial problems a pastor has caused a church"; how these pastors have "hog-tied them and won't let them serve." We've heard these people say that they need to get rid of the pastor (authority) because they are hurting me. We've heard these people say that they will be in control; the "next" pastor just needs to "preach". Or, we've seen some simply leave (quietly or not) to go to churches where there are no rules, no standards, no responsibility, no confrontation of sin, or where "we just don't ~~see~~ interpret those passages the same way as you". Hmmm...

I have had a LONG time to think about this, to examine it, to pray and seek God's face on the matter. The "church" or the "school" didn't hurt you. Those are simply institutions... made up of people... made up with you included. The problem wasn't the schools; it wasn't the churches. It was people, individuals, the imperfect. And doesn't that describe ALL of us. Imperfect.

Here are a few things I've learned over the years that have helped me when others have hurt me or when I think I disagree with leadership. Maybe they will help you too.

GOD'S WORD is the final authority to anything and everything that I do. It is my ABSOLUTE. Many say that they see certain scriptures differently than someone else does. Know this: that thinking is called "relativism" (a philosophy that conceptions of truth and moral values are not absolute but are relative to the persons or groups holding them). Relativism in the church has mixed God's Word with our opinions or thoughts in an attempt to compromise so that everyone can "get along" in "Christian love and fellowship." It is a worldly philosophy that slithered into Christian thinking; it is destroying churches, families, and individuals. 2 Peter 1:19-21, We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts: Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.

PEOPLE are imperfect which means they may do something that will hurt me at some point. Sometimes those who teach and guide us will hurt us. Sometimes a co-laborer, a fellow Christian may hurt us. Many times they are unaware of what they have done. Psalm 55:12-14, For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

FORGIVENESS is essential. We may never confront those that have hurt us, but we must forgive them. In the parable of the king and servant in Matthew 18, the servant owed a debt that the king expected paid right away. The king granted leniency. The servant then went to those who owed him and showed no leniency. The king was appalled when he heard and delivered the servant to the "tormenters" until the debt was paid. When we continue to live in bondage, anger, and bitterness for those things done and said to us, we trample on the blood of Christ Who forgave us. Matthew 18:33-35, Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

FORGIVENESS is not a one time thing. Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother when he sinned against him. Seven times? Matthew 18:22, Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

FORGETTING isn't easy, but it is necessary to move on. The saying "forgive and forget" is nice, but the two do not come hand in hand. It has been said that forgiveness requires remembering graciously. In other words, remember the hurt without added anger and bitterness. Learn the lesson, use the lesson to help others, but don't dwell. Don't allow Satan to use past hurts as a tool to halt your walk with the Lord. Philippians 3:13-14, Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

AUTHORITY isn't always right, but submitting to that authority is protection in God's plan.

As a parent, I have not always made the best decisions, but when it came to my son, I expected him to obey whether I was right or wrong; it was his God-given protection. Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

As a wife, I have not always agreed with my husband, but regardless of that, I am protected through obedience to my husband. He is the one who will answer to God for what happens with our family. My responsibility is to submit graciously whether I understand the decisions he makes or not. My submission is an example as to how we as Christians are to submit to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

As an employee, I don't always agree with the policies of the boss or company. But, they are the authority. If I'm going to keep my job, I will follow those policies and do what I am asked to do. Why? Because I am serving my Lord not man, and am a witness for Him. Ephesians 6:5-8, Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.

As a church member, I may not always agree with how things are handled in the church - finances, policies, standards, etc. At these times, I ask myself if it is something from which to separate. If so, then I leave, move on - quietly. If not, then I keep my mouth shut and happily serve my Lord. I also pray for either understanding on my part or a change in the heart and actions of the pastor. How can I do that? I know that I am not going to be the one to stand before the Lord for the happenings of the church. The pastor is. Hebrews 13:7, 17 (7)Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. (17)Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you

The cause of Christ has suffered enough at our own divisiveness. We have much to do in these last days and it cannot be done when brother fights against brother, when hurts are harbored, when accusations and judgments are flung. The testimony of the church as a whole has been harmed. We no longer are salt and light to this world. It is time to forget those things which are behind, and reach forth unto those things which are before, by pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

The fault for much of what took place during those "extreme" days was lack of teaching of one generation to the next, and it has persisted ever since. As we say in our ministry, the lack of teaching "the WHY." Yes, there were many do's and don'ts. They were the practical ways to deal with the Biblical principles. Could there have been different "practicals"? Sure. Each of us probably could come up with a number of different "practicals" that would have honored the principles.

But there were and are Biblical reasons for the "practicals" whether we understood them or not then or now. Whether they were taught to us or not, the "WHY" has always been there. There are Biblical principles for every aspect of life.

"But, what are the chapter and verses?"

That would be so much easier, wouldn't it? But that isn't the case. One thing I've found over the years is that wisdom sought out for myself tends to "stick" better than when someone simply "tells me".

I am including a link to a PDF entitled "What To Do When There Isn't a Chapter and Verse." It includes seven basic Bible principles with verses that will help you discern what is right and wrong for any situation.

In every aspect of life, first seek out what the whole counsel of God has to say about it. There is clear teaching for some areas. Be willing to change should the Lord convict you that your thoughts are wrong on the matter. Giving up long held traditions, thoughts, opinions, and, yes, assumptions is not easy. I've been there myself. For those "grey" areas, where there isn't a "chapter and verse" apply the seven Biblical principles to help discern what would be the BEST decision to make on the matter. Paul addressed just these things in Romans 14:

³Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.

⁴Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.

⁵One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.

¹⁰But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

¹²So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

¹³Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.

Some will be persuaded toward higher standards, others will not. We must not judge either as "right" or as "wrong". We must, as brothers and sisters in Christ, stop spouting our own "liberty" to do what we want and start considering if we are a stumbling block to another Christian. It isn't hard for me to submit myself to a higher (aka: stricter) standard that I personally do not hold when I keep in mind that I am trying to be a blessing instead of a stumbling block. How about you?

Now back to the original question. Did it make you or break you? Do you still live in bondage to past hurts?

"Well, no, I gave up all those 'standards' years ago."

Then, why do you still hold a grudge? It broke you.

"I won't go back to that place. They hurt me. I can't stand to see those people. They didn't care about me when I was there. I hope they fail."

Why are you unloving and unkind toward them? It broke you.

"I think that they should change their rules. Don't they know they are hurting others?"

Why are you critical because they do not change? It broke you.

"You know, it really doesn't matter what happened back then. All of it was a part of molding me to what I am today. Yes, people hurt me. I've forgiven them.... frankly, it wasn't easy, but with God's help... No, I didn't understand some of the rules, but now I see what they were trying to do. They were human; they did the best that they knew how at the time. If anything, I learned to dig into the Word for myself to see what the Lord would have me to do."

Those extreme days didn't define me... they helped make me.

Repeating History

2012-10-04T10:46:00.000-04:00

Isn't it interesting to see in the following verses how we could compare the children of Israel with the church of today? We flutter about with our programs, good deeds, small groups, "relationships"... yet, lives remain unchanged. Families are divided. Communities are not impacted. Revivals of yesteryear seem to be a thing of the past. But, earth-shattering revival CAN take place today. Stay in the Word. Seek His knowledge, His wisdom, His truth, His mercy. Then, take heed, repent, and follow Him unashamedly.

Hosea 4:1 Hear the word of the Lord, ye children of Israel: for the Lord hath a controversy with the inhabitants of the land, because there is no truth, nor mercy, nor knowledge of God in the land.

2 By swearing, and lying, and killing, and stealing, and committing adultery, they break out, and blood toucheth blood.

4 Yet let no man strive, nor reprove another: for thy people are as they that strive with the priest.

6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

9 And there shall be, like people, like priest: and I will punish them for their ways, and reward them their doings.

10 For they shall eat, and not have enough: they shall commit whoredom, and shall not increase: because they have left off to take heed to the Lord.

Provoking Children?

2012-09-27T12:00:00.000-04:00

John MacArthur, "Successful Christian Parenting", 1998 ~ "Parents, take inventory in your own hearts. Do you thirst for God as the deer pants after the water? Or is your own life sending your children a message of hypocrisy and spiritual indifference? Is our own commitment to Christ what you hope to see in your children’s lives? Is your obedience to His Word the same kind of submission you long to see from your own kids? These are crucial questions each parent must face if we really want to be successful parents and good role models for our children. Parents who are lax in these areas virtually guarantee that their sons and daughters will fail spiritually."

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

Right and Almost Right

2012-09-12T12:00:00.000-04:00

"Discernment is not a matter of simply telling the difference between right and wrong; rather it is telling the difference between right and almost right." ~ C.H. Spurgeon.

God's Word is absolute. We need to know it so well that we can pick out even the smallest lie. Beware of mixing traditions, philosophy, opinion, and preferences with God's Word.

2 Timothy 2:15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 16 But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.

Godly Counsel

2012-09-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Thankful for the counsel of God's Word and those He places in my life to give godly counsel. Times of trial serve to bring me closer to Him... not to drive me away. And, yes, at times my flesh and heart fails just as the Psalmist David's did, but God is my strength. The trial simply provides me another opportunity to proclaim His working in my life.

Psalm 73:24-26, 28 - Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. 28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

Ministry Passion

2012-09-10T12:00:00.000-04:00

Many of you wonder what we do in our ministry. In this past Sunday night's message Dan shared our ministry testimony and focus. The title of the message is: "Don't Believe a Lie". Hopefully this will help you understand why were are so passionate about it.

Sermon download page of www.churchhelps.org. All sermons are in mp3 format.

Know the Word...

2012-09-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

Spiritual discernment is a powerful resource to keep you from falling into the clutches of a false teacher. Bible study and memorization are the tools that will increase your spiritual discernment. You must know Scripture; it must become a part of you.

Weigh the words of those that teach and preach to you from God's Word. This would include Sunday school teachers, Bible study leaders, small group leaders, mentors, counselors, radio and television "preachers" not just pastors and evangelists standing in the pulpit.

Do they add opinions or preferences?
Do they add traditions?
Do they add popular worldly thoughts, beliefs, or ideas?
Do they twist God's Word to make it say something it does not?
Do they fail to teach the "whole counsel" by leaving things out?

If so, you may have discovered a false teacher... a wolf in sheep's clothing.

1 John 4:1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

Forgive

2012-09-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

Forgive. As a word it is a transitive verb meaning: 1) it shows action, and 2) it must have a direct object, or someone or something to receive the action. Forgiveness requires that we cease to feel resentment toward someone, to give up a claim of wrong, or that we grant relief from some sort of payment. Forgiveness is not a natural action for our flesh. However, the Bible is clear on matters of forgiveness. We do not need to wait to forgive. We do not need to be asked by someone to forgive. We simply must FORGIVE. To not forgive is to tread upon the blood of our Savior.

Colossians 3:13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

Luke 6:36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. 37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

More than Book Learnin'

2012-09-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

Wisdom is more than book learnin' although that is part of it. A good education is not to be discounted. But wisdom also includes the ability to discern inner qualities and relationships. It is the ability to perceive right from wrong, true and untrue. It is the ability to make good decisions. That is where Bible study comes in. Wisdom is the combination of knowledge (education), insight (Bible study) and judgment (good sense). Don't neglect Bible study; it is a vital part in gaining wisdom.

Proverbs 4:5 Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth. 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. 13 Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.

WHY? Proverbs 4:

6 Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee.

8 Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her.

9 She shall give to thine head an ornament of grace: a crown of glory shall she deliver to thee.

12 When thou goest, thy steps shall not be straitened; and when thou runnest, thou shalt not stumble.

22 For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh.

In the End...

2012-08-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

We all like to "comment" about others and the things they do for the Lord. We say, "I would do it differently." Of course we would. Each and every person would do things differently if given the opportunity. Only God knows whether someone's heart is right in their service to Him. Only God knows... and He isn't telling. Our job is to fear God and keep His commandments. Leave everything else up to God.

Ecclesiastes 12: 13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. 14 For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.