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It has taken me a while to build up the courage to write this post....but, hey....I'm ready. The time is now.....I am gonna tell you what I would do if I was queen of the world....now, if you are going to start reading this, you must read the whole thing...because you have to let me explain my position, and it would be totally unfair if you only let me explain it halfway...because, it may seem absolutely in sane...but, I am standing by my position.

This is me a few years ago......when I really really REALLLLLLY thought I had it all together, when I truly believed that I was Queen of MY world......I thought I had it all figured out, had it all together, and that everything was going to work out exactly as I had planned. I had my dream car, I lived in my dream house...I had given birth to 5 wondeful children and I had worked very hard to get my girlish figure back, with my personal trainer...I was married to my dream guy (still am) and he had his dream car, dream truck, dream boat....and together we had our dream business with dream amounts of money in our bank account.....and we lived having loads of fun with our dream family and our dream nannies.......and, I must say, we worked VERY VERY VERY hard for all of those things....so, for sure, we thought things were gonna play out exactly as we planned, and we would keep moving "up" in the world and achieve all that we were working for.

fast forward to NOW.

. Last week, this here, was the one and only family car we had......up until last week....now, mind you, it was paid for and probably worth $1000....but it was a sweet old Ford minivan that we have been driving since we lost every material possession we ever worked for....because of Marq's accident, because of bad business decisions, because of our inexperience and naivity, because of the economy...whatever, however....we lost everything......except no one wanted to take the sweet minivan.....so, for the last few years, we have driven all around the place in our adventure bus....our humility bus....our fun bus....and we very economically (and with poor judgement in hindsight) paid liability insurance on it so when it got totalled last week....it was gone forever...and now, Marq and I are sharing a small, old Toyota pick-up truck with roll-up windows.....when we need to go somewhere as a family of 7....our 18 year old son takes half the family in his car, and the rest of us go in the truck....and, it's awesome....just hear me out....I am going somewhere with this....

this here, this is me NOW...right this second......I am sitting right here in my bed with my old laptop....wearing a hand-me-down sweater from my fabulous friend, Kat...and, I look really really happy....because I am...I am soul-deep, bone-deep through and through happy. Let me tell you some more facts....I live in a rental house that does not have enough bedrooms for all of my children....my biggest kid sleeps on the couch while we are in this transition. We make a lot of food from scratch these days and hardly ever eat out....if we do, we split $5 footlongs from Subway.......we mend our old jeans and we clip coupons......we get movies out of the RedBox at McDonalds for our weekend entertainment.....we hang out at home almost ALL the time, we have dinner parties and we have art project parties and we do things that don't cost money....most of our friends and lots of our family are losing their shorts too....this has been a HORRIBLE time in our area for entrepreneurs and business people.........right now as I write this, Marq is out helping 2 different couples of our best friends move out of the dream houses that they just lost....into small, modest rentals....starting over, just like us....

NOW....TO MY POINT....

IF I WERE QUEEN OF THE WORLD.....ahem......dare I say? (this is the part that I fear may anger some) if I were queen of the world......I would pull the carpet out from under the Ross family and ruin the economy for them as it exists....CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???? I really would....let me tell you why.....

I took these photos when we were taking the last loads of stuff out of our dream house in 2007, the 100 year old farm that we had spent a year renovating with family and friends and where we lived for 7 years and where we thought for sure we would rock our grandbabies...I remember when I took these photos I felt so incredibly sad and the whole situation was rocking my world...I thought we would never be the same again (and we weren't, we aren't...and never could be anyway) BUUUT....I really thought our best days were over....the year before we lost our house....my favorite big old tree died...my husband was not recovering from his traumatic brain injury...not very fast anyway....and from there on out....everything just felt like it was dying dying dying......and one by one....our cars and boats and tractors and our beloved business got towed away on big mean towtrucks....  

that was a sad day.....see that cool old chandelier that I got on Ebay from an old old house in France???...and had to have my dad make it electric because it was so old that it was not even wired.....well, when I turned all the lights out to say goodbye to the house right after I took this photo....it fell from the cieling and shattered into the floor........it didn't want us to go....ohhhhh how I miss this house.

here's a photo of the kids a few years after we moved into the house (aren't they precious...this photo is a tear jerker for me)...and when Marq and I were busy busy busy building our business....traveling all over the world and growing things....cancelling family dinners and not able to much other than work work work work work.....we had such a good life, but man we had a lot going on.....year after year, we said "just one more year and then we will have more time for family" as we took on more and more opportunities that felt sooo important.......and five years went by and ten years went by and then it got even crazier when Marq was out of the picture after his brain injury and I was trying to juggle everything alone....

and then....it seemed so cruel.....our business fell apart....and, we lost everything.

BUT....what REALLLLLY HAPPENED....is that WE FOUND EVERYTHING.....

In my photo storage program on my computer...the photo that follows RIGHT after the photos of the house when we were packing everything up....is this photo here....where, we moved into a house waaaaaayyyyy out in the country where we could hide from the world and lick our wounds.....and it had a dining room big enough to hold our table....the table that NEVER got used at the farmhouse...we always ate at the bar..in a big rush...never together...always on the go go go..........I think we used the table maybe twice a year in all of those years...but the house we moved into didn't have a bar...and so, we had to pull the whole thing out...all the extensions and everything...and, we started eating there, together, at every meal...many times with cousins and friends over (like in this photo, where I was beginning to see what was REALLLLY happening, the magic of the family table) 

this photo is VERY VERY VEEEEERY special, because....loooking back, I can see what the soul who is REALLY  in charge of the world and the universe was doing here.....what LOSING EVERYTHING was going to do for our family....and for each of us personally.....

I remember how very very VEEEERRRRY hard this time was....I remember...I remember what it felt like to wake up every day and feel like I was falling into pieces and not able to find those pieces to glue myself back together...I remember still not having my husband because he was still buried in the horrid recovery of his brain injury....I remember how raw and unfair and scary and even cruel that time felt. I rememember how VERY VERY badly I wanted to be brave.....and how hard I was trying...I remember how the light left my eyes and the spring left my step and how the ideas and hope left my mind for a while. I remember when I chose BE BRAVE as my mantra and I pulled out my art supplies that had been in storage for years and years and years while I was building my business...I remember when I painted these boots....  

This last week was wild and crazy...in so many ways. We don't live in that house waaaaayyy out in the country anymore...we couldn't hold that together either.....we live in a culdesac on a tiny lot in the little town where we first started out together.....

We are living through what we feared the VEEEERRRRY most for so many years.......wierd....wierd that this has brought us to exactly where we needed to be.....

I have some really big announcements to make that I can not quite make yet......other people are involved and we all have to be ready to tell what we are going to tell....but, I must say that had our family not gone through what we have been through in the last 5 years...we NEVER EVER EVER could have made the very brave decisions that we have made in the last 30 days.....that I will tell you about very very soon...soon as I can...

AND....

this week as we ran into 3 sets of old friends.....just in passing.....(but totally meant to be during those 3 exact times) 3 sets of old friends that we had not seen in a very long time...and each of them were dealing with such huge issues and pain....on the verge of or in the middle of "losing everything" .....Marq and I were able to hold hands, with very sincere, peaceful, and happy looks on our faces....and tell them

YOU WILL MAKE IT

YOU WILL!!!!!!

AND....CHANCES ARE....THiS WILL BE ONE OF THE BIGGEST BLESSINGS OF YOUR LIFE

because.....

YOU WILL GROW and YOU WILL CHANGE and YOU WILL SEE where you have been led astray....

YOUR PRIORITIES WILL CHANGE...YOU WILL SEE HOW STRONG YOU REALLY ARE....

and

if you watch VERY VERY closely...and listen VERY VERY CLOSELY

you will see that God is there every step of the way...and that He is actually getting you back on track...and, that THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY MERCIFUL.....that you are being ripped off of the wrong track and put on the right one...and that EVEN IF THIS IS HARD....YOU WILL MAKE IT...and, in a few years...YOU WILL STAND IN AWE at the person you have become...at the PEACE that is in our heart...at WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED....at HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME NOW...at WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SAY NO TO....and what you will go to the ENDS OF THE EARTH to protect...and at how very very simple happiness in life really is...and how EVERYTHING YOU EVER REALLY NEEDED was right in front of your face all along...

and....at what doors will open when other ones close....

I want you to know that even in our rental here...we eat dinner together at that table almost every night...we laugh and we have fun and we love each other deeply....we have the most amazing life....and it has nothing to do with THINGS....

So....IF I WERE QUEEN OF THE WORLD....I would do things exactly as they were done.....no regrets.

xoxoxoxox

melody

p.s. so much to tell you so soon about where we are headed...but if you want to see a sneak peek of just ONE of the things we are up to......click here

but...I didn't tell you because I thought it might make some people mad....it sort of made parts of me mad...but now....it's been a while later and I would still do the same thing if I was queen of the world.....

but, after editing and sizing all of those photos, I am too tired to tell you tonight...but, I did find this photo that Jeanne took of me in California a few weeks ago...and I actually look healthy, and at peace, and pretty rested....though my eyes still look tired.....things are so so so good. I think it even looks queenly so I put a crown on....and...., here's me, as queen of the world, and tomorrow or the next day or the next day, I will tell you why I posted all of these photos and what I would do if I was QUEEN OF THE WORLD.....

xoxox
melody

check out Lisa Sonora Beam

Check out Carol Parks Studio ..... Madame Artiste

and I loooove this interview with Carol 

Check out Jeanne and Joan's books here 

check out stephanie lee here

and her amazing, awesome book here

check out the fabulous LK Ludwig here

and her souful, beautiful, inspiring books here

I prematurely promised to blog posts...........and I am giving myself permission to never, ever make a schedule again.....too much of the rest of my life is deadline driven and my soul needs refuge from it.....I am just so excited about what is happening, and I am so full of fluttering butterfly, soaring birdie energy.......and, for some reason.....blogging was not meant to be the last few days...everything went wrong....laptop cord broke, long-as-heck meetings were scheduled...sacred relationships needed and deserved to be attended to....so, while I am very very VERY excited to start keeping my blog again....
I know that I can not keep to a schedule....it just has to flow when it flows and I can't make apologies for that because it is what it is..........I am DONE being rigid with myself...I am done beating myself up over it...and, the reason I am telling you this is in hopes that you will let yourself be who you are too....

I am a creative soul and I never know when it will flow...or how, or where....or whether my heart's messages will come out in paint strokes or collage pieces or even a perfectly cooked steak...I just don't know..........and, I bet you don't know either.....so, let's just all give ourselves a break and let things happen as they will, as they should, as they are perfectly meant to happen.

I have so much brave stuff happening right now and it's just not yet time to talk about it. I am bursting bursting and having SO MUCH self-restraint right now.....and I love you!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!!! So I am gonna write as many blog posts as I can today and then I am gonna quit when I am done........and that's that.......

so no more mean-ish emails about how I said I would blog and then didn't, K? My blog is my blog and it's for nice people.....I LOOOVE nice people....and I love all the other kinds too, but since this is MY blog I can say it's really meant for nice people...lol....

xoxoxoxox
melody

On Hiding Out

I guess I have been....in a good way. It’s the nicest thing I have ever done for myself.

When I wrote last time I certainly had not intended to wait a few months before I came back...but, that’s what happened. Time has gone by and life has been surprising and awe-filled and weird and wild and hard to explain...and I guess that’s what it is...just hard to explain in words. I am not sure how much more time will pass after I write this entry....I hope it won’t be too much..... I feel like I am getting my mojo and my energy back....but I am being careful with it...I am learning that we all have limitations...like it or not.

And, truly truly truly.....I have needed rest and quiet from life-noise...lots of it. Rest from thinking and being so deeply involved in the game of life. I didn’t know how much I needed to just step back and look at things....and, once I did, how huge the discoveries would be...how awesome and surprising and sometimes devastating and complex and beautiful....and just how much processing it would require.....and how raw and dumb-struck I would be some days when I was really really honest with where I am and where life is and where I really want to go...and who I want to go with...and what I want to be...and what I don’t want to be....and how many days are really left to do it all...and what will wait and what will absolutely not....and what honest-to-goodness requires me and only me....and what I truly truly have no meaningful impact on whatsoever but have wasted much energy trying to impact....and what I am really here to do....and not do....and what life is all about anyway...and Who is in charge....and where I fit inside of all of that....

I didn’t even know it was going to happen, so I didn’t say...see you in 2 months. But then I found this book and started doing the exercises inside of it and this is the greatest gift for creative souls that I have ever seen...please get this book if you are an artist who feels compelled to share your art....I will tell you so much more later....this is not so much about being an entrepreneur...but how to work inside of this big bad world as a creative person who wears their heart on their sleeve.....and it has been a miracle for me....I know it would be for you too...I am doing this book along with a couple of my best girlfriends and we are all having lifechanging experiences that are compelling enough to make us change our lives into what they are really meant to be.

THE CREATIVE ENTREPRENEUR - By Lisa Sonora Beam

And I came home from my big show in February and I was just tired tired tired. Soooooo tired...not sad or mad or depressed or hopeless or anything like that....just tired. I knew it was time to rest. I didn’t know that it would take months. I have been creating up a storm....in an artistic nirvana....And while I rested from people and places...my mind and heart have gone on overdrive......thinking about all of it....but, not really with an ability to make sense of any of it as a whole.....but with dreams and pictures so big, about what it all means, that all I have been able to do is paint and draw and write random thoughts in journal after journal after journal.....and figure out and honor and enjoy my children and my place in their life and my wonderful marriage after all these years without one (we never want to be apart again, we are spending much time figuring out creative ways to be together 24/7 for the rest of our life)......so....that’s where I have been.

I have been observing. I have been on the sidelines....a spectator. I have been asking my self SO MANY questions...and really really REALLY listening to the answers.  I have not ever let myself do this without a lot of guilt or shame....this time....no guilt, no shame.......no apologies.....lots of peace....lots of coming to terms....lots of brain/heart discussions where the heart gets heard finally......and where the heart is validated because it knows....and where the brain is put in it’s place because it thinks it knows....but really just needs to do what the heart tells it to do....my heart needed rest and quiet and not many distractions. My heart has been very very tired.....and my heart has had A LOT to say to ME that I have not been stopping to listen to.I know you can relate.

I came today to tell you that I love you for coming here to check again and again....for the emails and notes....for the encouragement. I am good...so good...better than ever. I am anxious to get back to this writing....and it is so so soon. I am anxious to tell you about my upcoming retreats and many other things I am working on....that Marq and I are working on together. It is so exciting and wonderful and right.  I am getting myself rested up and ready for a whole new chapter in life....I am being a SPECTATOR right now...mostly of my own self...and of others that I want to be like...and of life, and of all good things. I can’t wait to tell you what I have learned.

Talk to you again soon.



xoxox
melody