HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.....I found this piece I had written 5 or so years ago......when in the middle of my husband's brain injury recovery.....when my marriage was, for all practical purposes, completely vanishing....and in the nicest way I can say it...was a living hell.  I am posting this because a few friends asked me to, and because of THIS POST that a cherished family friend wrote today that talks about my beautiful hard-earned marriage.  I am being brave in posting this......but, I know that my miracle might be able to help someone else along. Marriage is HARD WORK. LOVE is HARD WORK. No work is more important than the work of love, however. If there's a chance of making it, please don't give up yet.

I hesitated to post this because I am not one to preach any specific religious philosophy. I believe that God loves us all fiercely. THIS, however, is essentially a journal entry that is so very personal, and I talk very personally about my relationship with Jesus Christ. This is deeply personal and outlines the way I was taught about WHAT LOVE IS by God.....and how it was able to save my marriage during the 6 years when my husband could not/did not feel love for me...when our whole life fell apart, and when I was fiercely lonely, angry and lost.

I am posting this for anyone who is trying to figure out how to love...what love is...and how to put something back together that seems like it can never be repaired. I am posting this because I know with every single cell in me that love can fix anything. I know it, because I have lived it over and over again, and I have dedicated my life to it, everywhere I go, for as long as I live.

What Love Is

by melody ross-written in 2007

I cry at a lot of weddings now, especially during the vows…for better or for worse…in sickness and in health…for richer or for poorer. I wonder to myself if the two lovesick people standing together have any idea what those vows might mean someday. I remember when I made mine and thought about how I was so in love that I could help my husband through any cold, I could even clean up his puke without flinching…I was sure that’s as bad as it could ever get. We were already poor, so I knew that wouldn’t matter.

When our life boiled down to being ‘for worse’, ‘in sickness’ and ‘for poorer’....all at the same time, that’s when I learned what love is.

I sometimes wonder if every marriage has one big test that is graded on the understanding and application of real, unconditional love. My guess is that most marriages have MANY of them, ranging in length and difficulty, and that marriage in itself is not only the schoolhouse but the test of real, unconditional, 100% charitable love…the ultimate test in putting your own needs, wants and desires behind those of your spouse. I also believe that the big reward for passing the test is the kind of marriage that happens because of it.

I remember asking Marq, more than a year after his accident, on a day that he could answer questions rationally, and completely ready to accept any answer that he was ready to give,

“Do you still love me?”

He looked over at me, and said in complete honesty but with very sad eyes,

“I know I should love you, but I can’t feel it.”

And I asked him what I could do to make him feel more in love with me. Could I change the way I do things? Did I need to change the way I look? What made him fall out of love with me?

He told me that there was nothing that I could do. I asked him if he could love someone else, if he felt like I was the wrong person for him now. He said he just could not feel love at all, and he was sure that if he could, he would love me.

And I told him that I would keep loving him, no matter what.

And this was at a time that I really meant it. I waited for many months to ask him that question in the first place, I had to be ready to hear a painful answer, and I was, because I had already decided what I would do if his answer was a ‘no’, in whatever form it came.

I think what has surprised me most about this whole experience is the realization of what a powerful force LOVE has, and especially how much was missing in the definition that I used to have for what love is and that real love is not even possible without help from Heaven.

Before all of this happened, I had fallen into the myth that marriage is a 50/50 proposition, if you give 50%, then I’ll give 50%, and then we’ll always be happy. Well, what happens if one partner or another cannot, for whatever reason, give 50%? What happens if your partner is TAKING 50%, leaving a deficit? That’s when you have to decide whether or not you are willing to give 150% to keep your marriage at 100%.

I went through a lot of different stages through it all. In the beginning, I had deep compassion and concern for Marq…and that never went away, but the resentment was what I had to battle. I was growing bitter over giving so much love and getting nothing in return except for grief. Selfishness had no place and absolutely no use in this situation, and I had to learn to rid myself of it, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, and I finally learned that there was no way I could do it alone.

I called my oldest sister one day and told her that I was falling apart, that I had no idea how my marriage could ever survive this. I told her that there was no REASON for our marriage to survive this, that nothing good was coming from it, that it was only causing pain for all of us…I was worried about my children and I was worried about me…it didn’t seem like Marq was worried about any of it…he was just sleeping or raging. I was invisible to him most of the time. I didn’t feel like I had a marriage. I felt like I was a caretaker to someone who did not want to be cared for.

My sister came to my house to pick me up and take me for a drive. We drove all around in the foothills, past farms and abandoned buildings, we just drove and drove. I told her how I felt. She listened. She waited until I was completely done talking and then she put pulled over and put her hand on mine.

“Do you remember your wedding day? …well I do. I remember seeing two young people who were more in love than anyone I have ever seen. I remember the way that you two could not let go of each other…and I especially remember Marq.”

I sat quietly and listened, and my heart started to open a little…

“When the ceremony was over and it was announced that the two of you were now married, Marq was drenched in tears, he could NOT stop crying…everyone kept coming up to congratulate the two of you and he would hug someone, then look over at you and just start crying again….it was the most beautiful thing, Melody….this is worth fighting for…”

She then went on to tell me that every marriage has a time when one or the other has to pray to God to feel great love for their spouse, to fall in love again…that God would bless my prayers and make it happen if I just asked him to help me feel the love for Marq that I did before all of this happened. I committed that I would go home and do this.

Feeling real love is not always full of bliss. In fact, I think the times in life that we feel the most pain are BECAUSE we love so deeply. When I asked God to help me to love Marq, it brought on a depth of sorrow that I hope I never have to endure again. But my prayer of feeling love for him was absolutely answered. Let me tell you what a day was like after that.

I tried to accept what happened, but then tried to focus on what I could do about it. My kids were my saving grace. I did NOT want them to sense how afraid I was…so, I would get up in the morning…..crawl over to Marq’s side of the bed where he was hollow and dead inside, kneel next to him, grab his hand as he slept….and pray, plead, beg…. Then the tears would start to flow, almost every day….because I still woke up every day in that half-awake of dawn and let myself believe that I’d just had a really bad nightmare and that this really wasn’t my life. When I would wake up all the way and realize that it really was my life, and there was my husband next to me with his soul and joy and peace and spirit captive….things were devastating. I really believed that if I would pray hard enough and long enough, that Marq would be healed. I got many answers that it was ‘not time yet’ and it made me so angry…so………then on the worst days, I would get into the shower and cry deep and uncontrollable sobs because I knew the water would drown out the sound of it and wash my tears down the drain with the shower water. I would give myself as long as I needed in the shower to sob….then I would tell myself that I could not let my children see me like that…that I had to be strong for them because they were scared too. I would get dressed, climb into my closet and pray again…and head downstairs with a smile on my face….because my kids always studied me, every morning for any sign of fear….they were really using me as a gage to make sure we were going to be ok. I would not let Marq come downstairs during those worst months…I did not want the kids to see him that way…I did not want them to ever think that he acted strange and mean and uncaring because he did not love them. I did not want them to judge HIM or see him any differently than the wonderful dad that they remembered. I wanted them to remember him the way he was before his accident….so I tried to make up for all of it by being VERY positive, very happy…never yelling, always encouraging…telling them everything was going to be ok….when I would get them off to school and get into my car, the crying would start up again…then I would cry all the way to work and think about how I had the exact same situation with my employees….they were waiting for me to fall apart…watching me the way my kids were….I had to instill them with confidence….I would pull into the parking lot and then pull myself together…fix my makeup…say outloud “I can do this…” then I would walk into the office with a smile on my face and greet everyone….lots of days I could only keep it up until I got into my office and shut the door…then the crying would start again and I would go into my office and pray that my husband would not put a bullet in his head today. I tried really really hard to not let anyone know how close I was to falling apart…I knew everything else would fall apart if I did and there was no one left to pick up all the pieces.

So I remembered my wedding day, like my sister had asked me to…I think that’s one of the biggest things that got me through this… I was reminded that when I got married, I made a promise to my husband, but also to God. When it got so difficult to keep the promise of my marriage because I was only getting pain in return, I decided to keep the promise to God. I remember going to God, with bitter tears, telling him that I promised to give all that I had to my marriage and that my husband did not love me anymore. I told God that I would keep trying, because I promised that I would. I told Him that even if my promise did not mean anything to Marq at this time, that I knew that it meant something to Him.

When I would go to God with this, I would beg and plead at first for Marq to love me again, then simply for me to be able to love Marq. Through all of those months that turned into years, my prayers changed, my heart changed. I started to pray that I would know what kind of miraculous love it would take to save another human being, and I was taught about the pure love of Jesus Christ. He not only told me that His love would save Marq, but that it would also save me. I kept praying, I kept believing, I kept hoping.

When I did that, when I made that commitment, He put His arms around me and thanked me for taking care of his son, Marq, who could not take care of himself at that time and who God loved so very very much. I learned that marriage is so much a service to God…He is trying to give us this other person who will love us no matter what and always try to bless our lives…and that’s why we make the promise to Him too…because He loves us and wants us each to have a partner to help us through life. Marq had done that for me so much more than I had for him in all of the years before this hell took over our lives, but then he could not be that person to me anymore.

So I then decided to build a strong relationship with God because He was all that I had then, He sort of had to take that place that Marq left, of taking care of me…and because He needed me to bless Marq for Him….I understood then what REAL Christlike love was…that it was loving because LOVING IS A COMMANDMENT, not because you are ever going to get love back…not because marriage is a 50/50 deal….you do it because you promised that you would and because God needs to bless us through each other. You do it because God wants you to feel the most exquisite joy that is available to you, and the purest kind comes form loving others.

AND…God healed ME through all of this , just like He said he would in all of those prayers. This was the time in my life when I knew for sure that I was giving everything that I had….I felt at peace with myself,. FINALLY…I felt completely loved by God, accepted, held…like I was enough….like He was very very proud of me, and I learned that He had been feeling that way all along and that sometimes it takes really difficult life circumstances to convince us to listen to what God is trying to say.

When I would pray, I would somehow, through miraculous feelings of peace and warmth and love, see myself in the way that the God who created me sees me. Then, He would show me the way He sees Marq, and how desperate He was to bless Marq out of the hell that he was in.  He would fill me with feelings of unconditional love, acceptance, warmth, peace, happiness, hope and light. He would give me an enormous desire to share it all with Marq, and to love Marq in the way that God was loving me. These were and are feelings that I can not comprehend or explain, but that I KNOW were real, and I KNOW made a difference between wanting to die one minute and knowing that everything was going to be ok in the next.

And I fell into a love so deeply with my husband that I can not even begin to describe or measure it’s depth.

I learned something very profound about love. I had been loving Marq all of these years in hopes that he could and would love me back. I loved Marq because of all of the ways that he made me whole. I was devastated when he was gone because I felt that he was the only person in the world who COULD make me whole. Through prayer, I found that in fact Jesus was the only person who could, and that I had been putting a lot of pressure on Marq for a lot of years to make me whole. I found through prayer that Jesus is the only person who could make Marq whole, and that even my suffering could not redeem him or heal him, but that the suffering of Jesus could. I learned that the only way that I would get through the pain was to surrender it to Jesus and to trust that He would turn it into something beautiful.

I learned about the most tremendous paradox of my life, that the most pure and incredible feelings that you will ever feel will not come from what is given to you, but from what you give to others. I learned that the most intense feelings of love somehow come back to us simply from the ACT of loving another human being, deeply, wholly and without a single string attached, expecting nothing in return. All of this time I had been doing all that I could to feel the love that I was needing and craving, and it was ALL found in the love that I had to give.

So learning about love came from having EVERY SINGLE THING stripped from me that I felt like brought me security…I was taken to a place where all that I had left was the love and confidence that God had for me….and in all of this I learned that it was all that I ever needed. So, now I know that hell can come against me and against my family and we will always have Heaven….and that Heaven visits you in sad bedrooms and in closets  and on and long tearful drives just as fast as a visit to your perfect family home where all is peaceful and calm…I learned that angels keep vigils over those who are hurting….they watch over and protect families like mine who are trying every day to love each other no matter what. I learned that Jesus is the only way, and that all of His power comes in the form loving acts and words and messages, and we simply need to live our lives in His example.

…and the longer my life goes, the more I see that there are thousands of things that don’t matter, and only a few things that do. I wish that we didn’t’ chase those thousands of things all of our lives when the few things that matter have always been right in front of us. The Savior walked through life in the service of others, because when He was helping others, He was glorifying, honoring and obeying the Father in Heaven that we share. It is all so simple…. LOVE others. REALLY LOVE them, do not expect anything in return, do not put conditions or rules on the love that you give…love because it is the right thing to do…love because Heavenly Father and the Savior need to bless others through you and through me…LOVE because that’s what you want most, and naturally, that’s what others want most. LOVE. Love yourself and love others, everything else good and right and true will come out of that loving…out of that action and discipline and intention to love. Just love…

I have spent the last several months LEARNING. I decided to stop and make some decisions and really decide what drives me. I have been writing a lot...a lot a lot a lot...but lots of it isn’t ready to share yet. One of the things that has been moving me the most, is really sitting and listening to the stories of others.

Soooo....while I’m sorting through my own story, I’m going to start writing about people who make and do beautiful brave things, and why. I know there’s always a story behind anything beautiful that makes our heart beat fast...and I have been fortunate enough to get to know a lot of amazing artists, artisans, writers, people who are passionate about bringing beauty, truth and ideas into the world. I am hoping I can help you get to know some of them as you stop by my blog.

I am starting with Jeanne Oliver. I will introduce her, then show you some of her beautiful work...then let her tell her story below...I hope you will enjoy. :)

As I begin, I want you to know that there are only a few things that I find myself buying new.....and I save and save and save so I can do it, because they are usually things that are unique and wonderful and beautiful and artistic and have a story behind them...and they aren’t things that everyone else has, so they are rare, which makes them cost a bit more, but that rareness also surely makes me love them more....so I make sacrifices so I can be so in love with those things...almost everything else I buy at thrift stores, on ebay or I put them together myself...that’s just how I roll...


I will sacrifice like crazy to buy the right pair of cowboy boots, and I have done it a lot. There are a few other things that makes my heart beat fast enough to buy them as soon as they come out.....and pay whatever I need to pay to be the proud, adoring owner of those things....or the giddy gift-giver of those things....

Jeanne Oliver’s bags, clothing and accessories are some of those things. I own several of them. I wait and wait and wait for her collections to come out.....and then she just treats her crowd with the most beautiful presentation of photography and words and beauty that show that she cares about her craft....her art...her passion....and she cares deeply about the people who invest in it. From the time you look at her catalogs, you will be in love...but then, on the day your package arrives.....you will find that the thrill doesn’t end, because she packages everything SO BEAUTIFULLY with the most special details, vintage ephemera and hand-written notes.....in this world of MASS EVERYTHING, she makes you feel special, and like you just made a really good decision to invest HER special-ness. It is an experience.

What is super amazing, cool and inspiring is that she started this whole thing from her kitchen table, while homeschooling her children and tending to her nest and loving on her husband....and took one of the bravest leaps I have ever seen to make it happen...she continues to believe in it and pour everything she’s got into it....I mean...lots of people have a dream and an idea to go out and have their own fashion line...but how many people actually go out and do it?

Anyway....I really wanted you to check out her new line...and then keep checking every season as she comes out with new stuff. I can highly recommend her bags as a gift for ANYONE, her camera bag is beautiful and phenomenal and protective and simple yet funky and totally unique fashionable, and SO WELL MADE and I often even use it as a laptop bag. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE vintage floral fabrics....so whenever she makes a new bag out of vintage fabrics....I figure out a way to invest in those too.

You MUST just check out her whole line.

CLICK HERE to see the gorgeousness of her LOOKBOOK

and CLICK HERE to see the whole line in all of it's glory. She's got orginal art, clothing, jewelry, prints, and a gathering of vintage treasures too.She is also doing a very special online course about embracing your innate gifts, called CREATIVELY MADE, I am so excited about it!!!

ohhhhh....and just because you gotta...CLICK HERE to see her home in the Holiday Home Tour

....then read her story below. I asked her how she got started.....you can read it all in her own words.

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"I was the little girl always making crafts.  If I had any money in my pocket it was spent on Jolly Rancher sticks and art supplies from the Ben Franklin.   If I wasn't making something I was writing under a tree or directing the whole neighborhood (not always willingly) in a production of this or that.  I continued creating in some form or another while I was growing up.  As a teenager I was obsessed with Elvis, James Dean and of course Marilyn Monroe.  On Saturday afternoons my mom would bring the ironing board down to the living room and iron all afternoon while watching old movies.  My obsession with a generation different than my own continued.  No matter whether I was captivated by the story, actors, location or music....the style of the clothing always stole the show and captured my attention.  I would spend many years trying to re-create these styles and designs. 

When I was a senior in high school I sat down with my guidance counselor.  I had my make shift portfolio in my lap.  I told him I wanted to go to design school.  It is funny how time changes the story and the details get foggy.  I don't remember much of what we talked about.  I wasn't there long.  All I specifically remember is that I was told it was too hard and to pick something else.  The funny (and sad) thing is that I believed it.  I didn't go to design school.  I did go to college and majored in psychology and history.  I did fine in both of these and especially history because it is one of my passions too.  I struggled though. Many phone calls home in tears. I didn't realize it at the time but the tears were because I was lost.  I wasn't studying what I was supposed to.  I truly believe we can do many things very well that we were never supposed to do.  Thank goodness for second chances!

As a young wife and mother I spent my extra time decorating and paying attention to all the little things that made me so happy.  When I was introduced to scrapbooking I was hooked.  I loved having a reason to spend money on art supplies again and I told myself it was for my family.  As the years went on I was creating journals, frames and anything I could in the hours after the children were in bed.  As it often is...my creations ended up being birthday and Christmas gifts.  Over and over I was told I should sell them.  I would smile or laugh a little and that was it.  One day a shop owner wanted to come over and see what I was making.  She ended up buying multiple pieces and then turned around within minutes (literally) and doubled her money.  That was a wake up call for me.  I COULD make money selling the things I was making.  I signed up for a very (VERY) small church bazaar.  I didn't know what to expect.  At the end of the day I had sold almost everything I had brought.  On the way home I stopped at a local boutique that I loved and showed them what was left and they not only bought everything....they asked me to make more.

That was the beginning.  Four years ago I participated in that little bazaar.  Four years ago I started.  There is amazing, amazing power in JUST STARTING!  From there I opened an Etsy shop.  It was just me and a few ladies sewing with me.  It was small but we worked hard. We built something from nothing.  As my business grew I also grew. I grew bolder.  I started remembering all those designs I used to draw.  We eventually were able to open our own website and grow my creativity with photography and our lookbooks.  There are so many more designs and ideas inside of me but I am trying to be patient.  There will be a time for all of it...all because I started.  What are you waiting to start?  What do you have to lose?"

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Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Thank you so much, Jeanne!

I will have more stories soon...right now I am working hard writing curriculum for our next online course, which has been recieved with even more excitement and thrill than we hoped!!! So many of us deal with this issue...and we have created a wonderful course to heal our relationship with our bodies through art and journaling...I am so excited about it and that's what most of my creative energy is going into right now!

you can check it out here!!! CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT BODY RESTORATION

or go to www.bravegirlsclub.com

Hope you are having a WONDERFUL HOLIDAY SEASON!!! You might want to also check out some of the fun holiday things we are doing at Brave Girls Club....like these videos about how to handle difficult people over the holidays...just a little something to add a smile to your day and help you to GO WHERE THE PEACE IS!!

xoxo

melody

PART ONE AND PART 2 of our very entertaining video series.....c'mon...it will be worth the time!!!!

The very best thing you can ever, ever do for your heart and your soul is to leave people, places, and situations better than you found them, even if those things did they best they could to leave you in a not-so-desirable position. YOU have the power to turn it all around and make it beautiful again.  (more)

xoxo

{This is an excerpt from The Brave Girls Club “a little birdie told me – daily truth”.  Click to read this entire truth or to subscribe to receive Daily Truths in your email inbox.}

Sometimes we complicate things when they really are quite simple. Sometimes the answer to a problem, or the answer to a prayer is so very sweet and small and simple that we just can not believe that it could be true....(read more)

Usually what's simple is true, beautiful girl.

xoxo

{This is an excerpt from The Brave Girls Club “a little birdie told me – daily truth”.  Click to read this entire truth or to subscribe to receive Daily Truths in your email inbox.}

I have not forgotten what depression feels like. I have not forgotten what it feels like to feel stuck and lost and trapped. I have not forgotten what it feels like to feel like a complete failure, beyond recovery...I have not forgotten how it feels to feel unloved and unlovable...and I have not forgotten what it feels like to feel utterly forgotten. I can still taste it....

A few days ago, I was standing on a mountain with my husband and some of our friends....in the wilderness with a huge campfire roaring next to us. One of our friends was playing the bagpipes and it was echoing through the trees, it was right at sundown so the sun was orange and yellow and filtering through the forest.  I looked over at my husband and he looked at me...and I had this moment of utter bliss thinking about how far we have come, an the hell we have walked through to get here.

So...the last few weeks, I have had to stop and wonder how on earth life could feel so good, so peaceful, so happy, so fun and so on track. Because....it hasn’t always been like this...in fact...not sure I have EVER felt this at peace...and good. And it has lasted long enough that I finally trust that it’s not just a little phase I am going through. I just want to share with you HOW I got to this place...especially if you are stuck somewhere....if you are stuck because you are so tired of fighting all the time to just survive...if you are so tired from years of feeling trapped doing things that make your heart feel bad....if you don’t really even remember what you wanted at one time because you are so far off track from who you really are, what you really love, and what you feel like your purpose was at one time. If you have no idea what you want so you just take whatever comes...and then you don’t even feel worthy of that.  I just want to share with you what I have learned...because I KNOW that you can be as happy and at peace as I am feeling...(finally)....and if you are willing to do the work...there’s this amazing life waiting for you....a life that was always intended for you, because I know for sure that we were not created to feel bad...we were created to live a joyful life. I am so happy for the things I have finally learned. (and the cool thing is...it is based on simple things...not EASY things, but very simple things)

I had a long stretch of time (years long) feeling a deep down anger that I didn’t know how to express. I have only now realized that the root of my feeling horrible, hopeless and lost was anger, an anger that was rooted in fear. I am not naturally an angry person.....but I think anger is a human part of us that has messages that just want to be heard. I was not listening or accepting my anger.  I just kept stuffing it deeper and deeper and dealing with it by over-working, over-exercising and pretending like I really wasn’t angry at all. I felt like if I did “ENOUGH”...achieving, producing, working....that maybe I would feel better. I didn’t know that it was anger that was fueling the way I felt STUCK, TRAPPED and HOPELESS. I felt used up....like my best years were over....I felt like things were so far gone that I could never recover what I felt had been lost. I was too tired to fight anymore...because my life felt like it just turned into one big long stretched out lump of time where the #1 goal was to survive the day, then the long & tortured night....day after day after day and night after night after night. That is the only goal I had for those years....to survive.

That is no way to live....but that is what happens when you have lost hope and forgotten your dreams...and life has beaten you to a pulp...and the blaming, accusing, mean lies have invaded and destroyed everything in your heart and soul that you thought you knew....and when you have forgotten the truth of WHO YOU ARE and WHAT IS POSSIBLE...and WHAT WAS ALWAYS INTENDED for your life.

So many of us forget. We MUST do what it takes to remember. Do you hear me, friends? PLEASE. Please don’t believe that life always has to be this way...that this is the best it is going to get...that your best years are over.

What I want you to know is that I was angry during that time because I believe in God. I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and I believe that He truly truly truly wants every single one of us to be happy. I don’t talk a lot about God, because I want everyone to feel comfortable and understood and respected. I think truth is truth is truth in the world...and love and beauty are truth and that’s usually what I stick to.....and I sincerely apologize if I am making you uncomfortable or offending you...because I also have great respect for all beliefs, religions and ways of being in the world. But from my heart, what I know to be true is that there is a very loving God who knows each of us, cell by cell, moment by moment...He knows our personalities, our desires, He knows about our mistakes...He knows about our pain. He knows what we are each individually capable of what we are working toward. He knows and has a plan....and He just wants us to trust Him.

Well, I tell you this because I want you to understand the anger I spoke of above. My anger was directed at God for the most part. I was very very very very very angry at God. For years...and years and years and years and years....I was angry that my life could be in such a horrible state and that He could allow that to keep happening....I was angry and confused and felt forgotten...and I never stopped believing in Him...I just spent a lot of time in my closet, car, garage....in hotel rooms on business trips...anywhere I found myself alone....crying LOUD and pleading, pleading, pleading....sometimes yelling...always through lots of tears and gritted teeth...sometimes looking straight up into the sky and screaming.....telling Him I thought He was mean and cruel.....telling Him that He had the power to fix the things that were terrorizing me, hurting me and devastating my life and my family. All along the way, no matter how angry I was, no matter how loud I yelled...the answer I always got back in my heart was “STAY WITH ME....someday this will all make sense.” Of course, that would make me even angrier. I would cry and scream that HOW COULD ANY OF THIS EVER HAVE ANY GOOD PURPOSE...EVER?????

I am writing this because one of my online classes starts up again tomorrow...and I had decided that I wanted to find a way to tell you about how that class changed my life, and to plead with you to at least look into it and join me for the rest of 2011 to do the work to move forward  and find the miracles that can happen in your life if you do this class and really do the work to start living the life you REALLY want to live. I had not intended to get this personal....but some things you can just not leave out......and this part, I can not leave out...because I KNOW there are women out there who are angry from the deepest part of their beautiful hearts. ANGER from not understanding how life could be so cruel, and beat us up so much....and pile more and more and more and more of it onto us...........and even if things are better...we are left so tired, ragged and without an ounce of confidence, drive or memory of our dreams. We are stuck. YOU are who I am talking to...and YOU are who I am begging to join me on this course.....

So...I will finish telling you what I wanted to tell you.

My life burned to ashes a few years back. It was slow and painful and much of it seemed very cruel to me as I said above. When all was said and done, all that was left were the few people who had been there all along....and the stories and the lessons that were learned along the way. This was painful, I didn’t think I could survive it.........but man it was so good, too.

What it gave me was the opportunity to start over and really decide what kind of life I really wanted to live....how I wanted to spend my minutes....how I wanted to feel....what I wanted to accomplish....what I wanted to learn....what I was willing to sacrifice...what I was NOT willing to sacrifice. What kind of people I wanted to spend time with, and what kind of people I needed to avoid spending time with..........what I wanted to live for, what I wanted to be known for....how I wanted to give in the world, WHAT I wanted to give in the world.....the kind of place I wanted to live....what I wanted to spend my time thinking about.....what I wanted to see and experience.....how I wanted to love others....how I wanted to take care of my body....what I wanted to allow into my life....how I could protect myself from everything I didn’t want to ever be in my life again....

What kind of life did I REALLY WANT...even though I was so far away from it?

AS SOON AS I REMEMBERED that I have a choice about ALL of those things....everything started to change. I stopped settling for what life handed me and I started deciding what I wanted life to be. And again....once I REALLY asked my heart...it was lots of little things...simple things........sadly, I had spent so much time chasing after all of the big things that I really didn’t even want.

My friends. I love my life. I LOVE IT. I. LOVE. IT. A few years ago, I never ever ever ever ever thought I would say that again. Things were too hard, too bleak. We were in so far over our heads and there were just too many scars that weren’t healing. Things still didn’t make any kind of sense....and I was still too angry.

I am not angry anymore....but it took a lot of years to get here. I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND that I could never ever ever be where I am NOW had I not traveled through the places that I had to travel to get here. I could have stayed stuck in those places and not had the hope to move forward......and I did for a LONG TIME. I chose to stay stuck because I did not have the strength or energy to try to remember where I wanted to go, what I wanted, what would bring the most peace to me and to my family....I just let life keep happening.

That is not what God wanted for me or for my family.....He wanted me to remember that I get to decide....that YOU get to decide...that we all get to decide....but that we HAVE TO DECIDE......or life WILL keep happening to us.

As I type this out, I can hear clanking dishes and laughter in the background. My friends are here packing up our rental house so that we can move across town into the exact kind of home that our family wants to live in. I wrote it all out a while back, as part of Soul Restoration 2.....still at the time feeling that it was not possible because our life was in such a deep hole......but here we are.....and by tonight I will be sleeping in a home that is surrounded by trees, private and near water........a simple beautiful house that is what WE want.....we just had to decide and do the work to get there.

Since doing the lessons in Soul Restoration 2, SO MUCH of my life has changed...I have even lost 20 lbs because the craziness is gone...and my body feels calm...and I feel happy with what I am doing....once I gave up the COOL WHIP DIET (and that all happened because of SR2).....everything changed for me.

I am TRULY TRULY TRULY living the life I want to live. Funny thing is...I thought it would take 5 years to get here from the time I started writing stuff down...every day I get closer and closer and closer.....and I say NO to things that don’t fit in with what I want, and I say YES to things that scare me but will get me closer to what I do want....what I want for myself, what I want for my family...AND...the very life that has always been intended for me.

I am starting to understand the pain, the struggle...what felt like a cruel joke for so long...and how it has gotten me exactly where I needed/wanted/was supposed to be. I’m so glad I stuck with it.

I just want this for YOU....more than anything in the world. I want you to feel this peace, this feeling of being on track...this OKness with exactly who I am, how I want to live my life, who I want to be around, what I want to do and how I want to feel.

I WANT YOU TO FEEL EMPOWERED ENOUGH TO DECIDE.

Anyway.....class starts tomorrow...you can jump in any time.....here are a few little videos explaining the class......I REALLY HOPE YOU WILL JOIN US. CLICK HERE to sign up!!!

Sending SO MUCH LOVE

melody

Despite the best planning, the most diligent working, and the very best intentions, some days just don't go at all like we hope for them to go. Sometimes weeks go like this, sometimes months. We do all that we feel we are supposed to do yet things go a different way than we had planned, than we had hoped, than we had expected. What are we to do?

Well, we just keep going....(read more)

xoxo

{This is an excerpt from The Brave Girls Club “a little birdie told me – daily truth”.  Click to read this entire truth or to subscribe to receive Daily Truths in your email inbox.}

Sometimes the pieces of us get a little bit mixed up and we have to let ourselves fall apart so that we can get ourselves back in order.

And it's ok to grieve over things that we've lost. It's ok to grieve over people that we've lost and it's ok to grieve over time that has been lost. It's ok to feel a bit of a hole in our hearts where loved things used to be...(read more)

xoxo

{This is an excerpt from The Brave Girls Club “a little birdie told me – daily truth”.  Click to read this entire truth or to subscribe to receive Daily Truths in your email inbox.}

When making tough decisions, you will never regret making the decision that brings the most peace to your heart. Sometimes it doesn't bring the most peace to your LIFE in the short term, but if it is what brings the most peace to your heart, that's the place to go. Always go where the peace is...(read more)

Seek peace, sweet girl.

xoxo

{This is an excerpt from The Brave Girls Club “a little birdie told me – daily truth”.  Click to read this entire truth or to subscribe to receive Daily Truths in your email inbox.}