Something happened in the Spring of 2009 that still takes my breath away.When I talked to my husband this week about all of the real, true life miracles that have taken place this year...I asked him what he thought the biggest ones were...after we both decided that his recovery was the biggest....the next one I chose is the one I want to tell you about next. And, it probably won't seem like such an earth shattering thing to any of you....(maybe it will!) but, to me, the beautiful mercy shown by the coordination of this miracle in my life is an unforgettable testament to the power of our heart's desires..... I woke up early this morning, on Christmas day, to look back in my journals and make sure I remembered it correctly.....and I saw clearly that I started to write about and pray hard about a resolution happening in my life for this particular issue in early 2007. It took a few years to coordinate things, but the prayers were absolutely answered.

This is a story about mending fences.......asking forgiveness and accepting forgiveness....about friendship and love and hurt and sorrow and human frailty and mistakes and pain and beauty.

In late March of 2009, I stepped on a plane headed for Los Angeles. I thought I was going for a strategy meeting for my company, but what I didn't know was that I was about to enter a tense conference room where my company would end. I didn't know that.....but, I am certain that God did. I went a week early so that I could spend some time with a friend, finish up a collection I was designing, and head to an art retreat that I had been invited to. I was completely looking forward to the trip. 

Spring of this year was a humongous turning point...one of those times in your life when so many things are defined by the befores and afters.....for me....before Chatterbox and after Chatterbox........this was the trip that was the in-between time...and many things  that happened after this trip would be described as "after chatterbox"..........this was the closing of many many many doors...lots of goodbyes and lots of scary new hello's and what-ifs and even some why's........but.....

SO MANY THINGS happened on that trip that I need to spend all of next week too documenting the journey to now. One of the things that happened the minute that I stepped on that plane, was something I absolutely was not expecting, was not prepared for, but was so crucial to what I needed to be able to move forward............

I ended up miraculously seated next to an old friend. This was not just any old friend....this was a friend that I had not spoken to for over 2 years....and a friend who had been a very close, very important and very valuable part of my life. This was a friend who I had experienced one of the worst, most painful and ugly  fallouts of my life with....and it had left me feeling so horrible, confused and devastated. I won't go into the details.........but, when I looked back at my journal today, there were just prayers that something would happen sometime to heal this up......to make my true intentions known....to create forgiveness and wholeness for both of us and everyone else involved...because this was pretty far reaching....a family relationship on both sides. We were both hurt, angry and confused by what happened and how it happened. I made huge mistakes in the form of not communicating and being very careless and cowardly...........it was during all of the horrible mess I was going through and it's one of the only things in my life that I wish I could go back and change...the way I carelessly handled this very important relationship....this lead to horrible misunderstandings, which led to anger, which led to mean words....which lead to a new, weird, crazy painful acquaintance kind of relationship that did not even come close to resembling what was really underneath. This person was like a sibling to me.............but, just like it happens for everyone in life....we make mistakes and we don't always handle things in ways that we are proud of....

....those years that went by were pretty devastating...it was a complicated mess and the only one who really knows how painful it was for me is God, because I talked to Him about it a lot....it seemed that there was just no resolution to it...........there were too many complicated pieces and it was too awkward and it just seemed impossible to fix....

....but just before it was time to close all of those other doors in my life, God made sure that we got the chance to mend, fix and close the door on the past and open whatever doors we chose to open.....He put us on a 2.5 hour flight together. We were back on the same fence.....and I know for sure that God loves this person deeply, just like He loves me....and He wanted to bless this person too.

Miraculously, this friend had just had some serious personal epiphanies in life....and this person's heart was soft and receptive. The 2 years that we had not spoken, my heart had been broken and disintegrated, so my heart was open, soft and receptive too. The anger was gone, the hurt was gone...there was only hope that we could finally fix this.  We actually were just happy to see each other....and it was so much less awkward that it probably should have been.....within minutes, we were talking about life, friendship........mistakes, forgiveness................I asked for forgiveness.....and it was very sincerely accepted. We talked about our families and our goals....about what we had learned in the last few years about life...and what we had learned from each other before all of that stuff happened. We talked and talked and talked....and I cried a lot.....laughed a lot. I felt this huge hole that had been in my heart for those years filling up with love and forgiveness. I felt this person's forgiveness....but I also felt myself really truly, incredibly and wholly forgiving the situation, forgiving what felt like such mean actions of this person (but this person was just doing their best, too)......and even forgiving myself. Sometimes the hardest job we will ever do in all of our life is to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, our weaknesses and our frailties............somehow, I was finally able to do this, concerning that long and drawn out and very horrible situation.

When we arrived in L.A.......this person had to go on to the next flight.....but, we sat together until it was time to go and we finished it all up by making sure that we each knew that all was well.....that we loved and appreciated each other...that it was profoundly difficult for both of us when our fallout happened and the years after........and that we still loved each other like siblings. Then we went our separate ways....became Facebook friends......and started over, trying our best to support and love each other on our individual paths. I need to tell you that for all of those years we lived in the same town, and never saw each other even once, until this day on the plane.

This seems little, doesn't it? It really wasn't little for me, at all. There were a few really really REALLLLLY huge relationships that fell completely apart when my life fell apart...it was PROFOUNDLY painful....there was a lot of pain when Marq had his accident...but that was an accident...there is a whole different kind of stinging pain when you CHOOSE to let or make things happen......and the few relationship fallouts that happened in those years were a daily thorn and a painful hole in my heart that I prayed for really really often....pretty much daily. I missed these people more than I can find words to explain.

Like I said...I made mistakes...........and they made mistakes.......and we all hurt each other. It sucked. It was horrible...but through MIRACLES....we were able to have the experience of mending fences with almost all of those fallouts this year. It wasn't easy and it wasn't comfortable..........but God put situations into place that were perfect opportunities for me to show my love for each of these people........a HUGE gift to me that I needed to be able to heal the past..........one friend desperately needed a job and I was able to help them find a really incredible one...for me, that was a huge gift...I was able to help and show this person how very much I love and believe in them.........another friend went through a horrific crisis...and when she turned to me.....it was my great blessing to be able to heal our past by showing her how very much I love her and do everything I could to help her........I COULD NOT ASK for a greater gift than the opportunities I had this year to make up for lost time, to mend painful breaks in fences, and to start over on these few crucial relationships. The ways that we were put together EXACTLY WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT were NOTHING short of miracles, and I will thank God forever for making this happen for us.

Things have happened in our life that have required a lot of forgiveness....when people ask me or Marq how we have done this, we have the exact same answer......through prayer. I KNOW and NO ONE COULD EVER TAKE this KNOWING away from me, that God can change what is in your heart. He can take your pain and turn it into strength, if you ask and if you do the work of believing it is possilbe...He can take your anger and your bitterness...and honestly, truly turn it into love that surpasses ALL understanding...love that makes no sense, but love that you can not deny or stop feeling....it is the wildest, wackiest, most incredible thing that I have experienced over and over and over again. When Marq was very sick and very mean and very difficult to be around...I used to constantly pray..."please help me to love him more than I could ever love anything or anyone..." "please help me to be patient with him and to see him the way that You see him..." AND BY GEORGE........seriously, it happened...I could not NOT love this man with all of my whole heart and soul if I tried.........I am stuck to him forever and ever and every....and it is the best feeling in the world.

Today, my Christmas miracle is the  MIGHTY change of heart that is possible through our loving loving loving and oh-so-close God. I KNOW OF THIS MIRACLE because it has happened to me a million times over. I have been forgiven when I didn't deserve to be forgiven and I have forgiven others when I did not think it would ever be possible. I have seen old wounds melt into nothingness and be replaced with strength, love and patience. I have seen fear and anxiety and exhaustion and confusion turn to clarity, strength and inspiration.....I have seen the power of love and forigiveness....I have felt those big changes in my heart....Then......peace. The kind of peace that only a heart with no more ugliness, no more anger and no more fear can hold. The PEACE that this season is all about.

My Christmas wish for you this year...for me, and for everyone I love is that you will seek out what and who needs to be forgiven and give yourself the gift of truly forgiving them. Forgive things that seem impossible to forgive....even if you  have been hurt immeasurably....please just try. Pray for your enemies....love those that hurt you...wish them the best....let them know that you forgive them........and, if you feel you need to ask for forgiveness.....take a breath and do that too.......say you are sorry....tell them that you are just a human being and you want to do a better job,tell them what they truly mean to yu....and ask for forgiveness. IT IS POSSIBLE. IT IS BEAUTIFUL...and I have learned, it is the ONLY way to live.

 MERRY MERRY MERRY CHRISTmas.

xoxoxoxo

melody

It is Christmas Eve...and only about an hour til Christmas. Today was beyond beautiful and unforgettable...I prepared this post yesterday because I knew that today would be a busy day....and SO MUCH happened today that I want to talk about...but that will be tomorrow. Tomorrow's post will be long.........so much to say about what happened this week. 

I have decided to keep writing about miracles til the end of the year.....mostly because I need to remember them forever and ever, and there are so many more that I have not even talked about yet.....but also, because I am once again seeing the power that we have to lift each other up through our stories. I have been so touched by the comments you have left, relating your own stories and miracles...and also the beautiful and wonderful emails you have been sending me. Today was just a tear-drenched day......because of all of those things, and so many others.  
 

 Something wonderful, what I would even call a miracle this year...is that our tree is still standing up....and has been since Marq put it up a few weeks ago. It is straight and not wobbly....and it only took him about 15 minutes to put up.

THIS is a miracle because for the last 5 years, I have had to put it up.....and, you see....we bought an extra skinny tree 10 years ago when we bought our farm...because the rooms were so small....and we found just the right fake tree to fit in a small space......so, we have used it every year since then. But somewhere in there, the stand that came with it got lost.......and so I had to rig a regular tree stand and try to make it work.

Every year.....I would get all sort of crazy stuff and try to wedge it in there....rocks, building blocks....kids toys....whatever I could find. It would take me hours and then it would start to tip, and I would have to start over....if anyone touched it........it would tip, and I would have to re-rig it. It was so incredibly frustrating......it was just ONE of the reasons that the holidays were difficult and lonely and exhausting over the last 5 years.

This year has been so different......and I think I had already started to take it for granted. Marq went to the storage unit to get our tree....he brought the box in....we talked about where it would go, I walked into our bedroom to do a few things...and came out 15 minutes later...and it was up....perfectly straight... Of
 Of course, in his trademark style...he had measured and cut 3 pieces of wood exactly the right size and fastened them perfectly and I could shake and shake and shake that tree and it would still be standing there strong and immovable.....

I was really excited to see the tree up.....so excited that I didn't really even think about the fact that it had been so many years since I didn't have to try to set the dang tree up myself. I didn't remember that is, til little man #4 came in, saw the way it was fastened in the stand and said....

"Hey mom, remember last year when it took you all night to set up the tree and you said lots of bad words?"....then he chuckled......

....oh yeh....another miracle.

I wanted to remember it.....so I took a picture...and then on the tree I saw the ornament I made for Marq a few years ago....and I wanted to take a picture of that....and then in the background I saw the collage I made last Spring when I felt like we were finally let out of a cage but that we now we were free birds with no home and had to find a place to land and build a nest.........

.
 Seeing that ornament there with that collage in the background...the birds who made a home out of a tree.... made me remember just how far we had come....how we had finally realized that HOME IS WHEREVER WE ARE TOGETHER........let me tell you a little bit about this collage...........when it all came together.....and it sort of took on a life of it's own....I saw that the daddy bird stood strong and protective and majestic, looking over his family......living in that TREE...on a branch......protecting his nest and his honey bird.....and the honey bird is one tough chick....but let me tell you, she is so ready to hand the protector/tough guy/head of the nest role back over to him..........I wanted it to be 2 cute little sweet birdies...but the daddy bird turned out to look so noble and strong and brave.........even though he has ended up living on some random branch with his family......
 

I still have not finished this collage....but Marq keeps putting it back up on the wall. The edges are not done, and there's parts that I still want to finish, but every time I take it down off the wall, I come back and he has put it back up on the wall....one of these days I will finish it and frame it....but for now, it's a little family reminder that we have everything we need...that all is right in the world....and that we are pretty much made up of colorful little precious scraps of our past, of loving people, of possibility and of beautiful randomness....and somehow, it has all melded together to create a picture of where we are at this very moment.....in this tree.....

Finally.....

When I was downloading these photos, there were some other photos on the memory card....there were photos that I had forgotten we had taken in the last month.......especially the ones we took when we stopped at our old farm one day when we were driving by.....we just do that sometimes....we miss the place....but we stopped because no one lives there and we just wanted to take a look.......we saw the trunk of the tree that died when Marq was sick.....and my daughter took a photo of it....this tree has a long story....and some of you may remember it when I wrote about it 3 or 4 years ago......that we kept the wood and we were going to let it cure and build something wonderful out of it.....this was in the middle of Marq's sickness and before things got really bad......but when I was still thinking that things were going to get better soon...because they were so up and down.....and certainly WAY before I knew that we would not be living there soon.........if you have time...please read about this tree....I promise it will be worth it...I just went and found that blog post...it was 3 years ago.....

http://melodyross.typepad.com/my_weblog/2006/12/life_is_a_treei.html?no_prefetch=1

Anyway....when we stopped at the farm....she took a photo of the trunk.....I was looking closely at it and noticed something very special.........that the crack in the trunk was the shape of a heart....and that a tiny tiny little plant was starting to grow inside of it...

It's been nearly 4 years since that tree had to be cut down. It was a VEEERY old tree, and the wood inside was beautiful and good......... but it needed to cure before it could be used.......and, it is finally done curing.

It sits in a pile in Pompie's barn......and I asked Marq about it today.....he said it's ready whenever we are...ready to be built into something wonderful. Just like I said in the post 3 years ago....

"It's time for the carpenter to do His work...."

Watch out world..........

...and, Happy Birthday, Carpenter.

xooxxoxoxo

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I am MADLY MADLY MAAAAAAAAAAADLY in love with this man... If I didn't think it would be too indulgent, I would write every single one of these days about him...because there have been that many miracles that involve him and because I could write a book about what he has taught me and what he means to me and everyone who knows him...but today I will just tell you about one of the things that make my heart melt and change my thinking when I'm getting my head in the clouds...

Every time I get into the car, or the truck....or the green machine..this is what I see...and lately, I have really stopped to SEE these work gloves, to think about what they mean...and think about how they were missing from our life for all of those years.

 They are just always there, and are very well used, unless they are new ones because the last ones were too worn out to use anymore.

...and they all belong to my husband, 

I went out to the driveway to take photos of them today....and also found these, which I had forgotten were there....though I certainly should not have forgotten because I have seen them used so many times....you see....he even has these cute little work gloves for our little boys or our girls.....who are often with him when he stops to perform one of his random acts of service...and he has the kids alongside him doing the same....

I am often asked the question...in my travels or just at random times..."What does your husband do?".....I know it's just a basic question......and not at all meant to be intrusive...but I have never really liked that question....especially when it was really hard to answer...and still...it is kind of hard to answer....

My new answer...whenever someone asks me "What does your husband do?" is...

WHATEVER IT TAKES

And that is the absolute truth....

Over the last 9 months......Marq and I have had to figure out how to make it on a shoestring. When the situation became our reality....we sat down and made as much of a plan as we could...and when all was said and done...the plan was that we would do whatever we had to do...that meant...if we could get work, we would take it...whether it felt like it was going backward...whether it was embarrassing...whether it paid as much as we thought we might deserve to be paid....we would both take it......and then we sat down with the fam and told them that they needed to do the same. We also decided that we would start EVERY single morning, before school, and pray together as a family....which meant we had to get everyone up and do that at 6:15am....and that we would pray again together before bed.....that was Marq's plan.....and let me tell you, it changed everything for us....the family-ness and feeling in our home has never been the same since we committed to do that. And....it seems that every single thing we have prayed for has happened...hardly ever in the way we thought it would, and certainly not as soon as we hoped it would....but it all has happened and more....

Now...back to this man.......so much to learn from him....

When Marq was sick....one of the things that used to surprise me and bust my heart open all at the same time is the daily occurrences of people stopping me to ask how he was doing....people I had never really met, or didn't know that they would even care.....then, so often, almost always....they would go on to tell me about something he had done to help them.......pulled over and changed their tire, plowed the snow out of their driveway, fixed their screen door, hauled their couch....the list went on and on and on.........like he had this whole secret life while I was out conquering the world......

I want him just the way he is...just who he is...just how he is...because I have learned something really powerful about the measure of a man.....

...and how it has nothing to do with designer clothes, cool cars, or impressive jobs that pay lots of money or come with power and titles.

These are the Ross boys.....my husband with his dad and then his dad too......Marq's greatest idol in all of his life is his granddad....and we call him Pompie...he is 90 years old and as strong, amazing and clear-headed as anyone you could ever know. I wish he was smiling in this photo...because he is so dang funny and almost always has a smile on his face. (I love my father in law too, by the way!)

Last week I went over to visit him because I just really wanted to make sure that he knew how much we loved and appreciate him. He has done things for us this year that he does not want us to ever mention, and so I won't....but really....just the faith he has in us and the things he says and does to encourage us have meant more than I can explain......when your hero is also your greatest champion, you feel like you can do anything.........

I am mentioning him because Marq learned to work so hard because of him. He was a dirt farmer, and a rancher....he also had a service station in town and he was the fire chief. When his children were 3 and 4 years old....his wife died......I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER...EVER.....heard him complain about ANYTHING...ever. I have only seen him work and work and work and work...and serve and serve and serve and serve others.....he does not lecture or judge.........but he always has the very best advice and the most sincere encouragement...and when he sees someone trying as hard as they can...he will go to the ends of the earth to help them be successful...that is what he has done for us.

He also wears work boots.

We were talking about getting old...and how some people seem to just fall apart when they get old....and some people make it for lots and lots of years doing just fine. In between all of the funny stories he told me......he slipped in some really nice words....

He said he was so proud of us....and that he knew we would make it...because the way you make it is just by working through it.....you just get up, and you work....you don't complain and you don't feel sorry for yourself....when you are done working, you find someone who needs your help....

....and that is how to have a happy life....and that is how to never get old.

Man...I love Pompie....and man...he is SO RIGHT........and man oh man...did he help mold my husband into a man of such tremendous measure.

Our miracles this year came in the form of small odd jobs that paid $100 or $300....day by day by day....some days Marq was cleaning up old metal salvage and garbage in lots that were for going up for sale.....some days he was welding things or building things with his kind and strong and talented hands....IT WAS ALWAYS ENOUGH.............and it was always noble and blessed work. 

When the work was done, he went out of his way to find someone who needed help....sometimes several times a day....he seems to be the go-to guy these days when people need something, and he will drop everything to run to wherever he needs to go...his phone rings all the time....and....I get stopped all the time still with stories from people who have been helped by him.

.......and I KNOW FOR SURE that this is why we are being so showered with blessings....I also know that this is why we will work our way out of this rough patch....and I also know that we will never really get old.......and when people ask me "What does your husband do?" I will always be able to proudly say...

"He does whatever it takes.....and he's my hero."

*********

even more to come.

xoxox

melody

Today was totally terrific....we woke up to a nice dusting of snow......and mixed with the fact that the kids are home for Christmas break...and that we woke up to sparkling white lights on our tree in the living room....it put me completely in the Holiday spirit....sooooo, I had an idea.............that we need a family picture....and so, I called my niece and asked if she'd do it...I wanted to get a picture while it was still snowy/snowing....so I made my kids all get up and get ready and get out the door....but the BEST PART was that we all rode together in the same car, and EVERYONE had a seatbelt!.....

this car here:

:
 

Let me tell you a cool little story about how THAT happened.....

Flash back to the bashed up Honda......and back 3 or 4 weeks....just before Thanksgiving (if you haven't read the story before this one, it would make more sense if you did)

Well, after the car was all bashed up, I stopped in for a little visit with my parents. We were all sitting in their living room, talking about the upcoming winter....my dad asked me what I was driving...and I pointed out at the Honda...and started telling him the story about it. I told him about how when we needed to go somewhere as a family...........we would go half in the Honda and half in the Toyota pick up.....my parents chuckled...they have been around long enough to have been through the ups and downs of life.....and, they know for sure, just like we do...that we will work our way out of this part of life......and times will be tough...but we will all get through it......I love talking to them, they have so much faith in us.

Then my sweet dad said...."you know, I could help you get a loan to buy a car......" hmmmmmmm........

 ....hmmmmmmmmm...

.hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........

then I had to tell my dad about our goals.......to work and work and work our way out of this.....and do EVERYTHING we can to never get into debt again......

but then I started rationalizing....saying things like..."well...it's gonna start snowing soon...it's not safe for us to cram into a little truck.....or in the tiny Honda....."

My dad said that I'd need to talk it over with Marq, but that he would try to help us out if that's what we really wanted to do......but really, we had no way of even paying back a loan...I still really really really wanted to try to figure out a way to make it happen.

I called Marq and told him. He immediately just said....'we are doing just fine.......we are gonna work our way out of this and until then, we can make do with what we have......." (remember, he's not the one driving the bashed up Honda) ---hee hee

I decided not to try to talk him into it.........I knew he was right.

Wellllll...then our oldest was ready to start college.....and we realized that he would have to take the bashed up Honda.........that week was a bit of a nightmarish kind of weird situation...trying to figure out how we were going to make it all work....

NOW...let me go back TEN YEARS....

Ten years ago we were at the top of our game.....my little brother was in college, then in graduate school...he was working his tail end off, and so was his wife.....

We had purchased a sweet used Suburban.....The Green Machine......and, we were ready to trade it in for a newer one.....so..........when my brother expressed his desire to buy our green one.....we gave him the sweetest deal we possibly could...and he appreciated it so much, it really  helped them out when they were working so hard to raise their family, go to school and make ends meet.

If my little brother was not THE MOST reserved, humble and shy human being I know...I would totally put a photo of him up right now.....he has been an absolutely heroic man a million times over...but I will respect his privacy and NOT show you how handsome and fit he is....:) I must add quickly that 10 years ago, he also spent his summer break from school getting 1/2 of his liver cut out so that my dad could have it in a live liver transplant that saved my dad's life...yeh...that's the kind of guy he is....

WELLLLLLL......the green machine has seen lots and lots of good days and hauled lots and lots of kids around, ours and his...when my brother finally got his PHD, he was immediately recruited by a really great company and they moved 5 hours away. He knew nothing of our situation....after being in school for so many years, and his amazing wife working the entire time to put him through school, they more than deserved a new car...and they finally got one.......like I said....they knew nothing of our situation.

....but someone up in Heaven did for sure.

Soooo.......

My awesome brother & sis in law come to visit with their 4 little girls on Thanksgiving........as we were setting up for dinner, he pulled me aside in his uber-proper, uber-reserved, uber-respectful way...and said he needed to talk to me.....

He said he couldn't get us off of his mind...and that my sis-in-law had woken up a few weeks earlier and told him that they were supposed to give us back The Green Machine for as long as we needed it..........

NOW...I KID YOU NOT that they knew nothing of our situation....

....and it was really uncomfortable for my brother to even tell me....but he couldn't get it off of his mind....and neither could his wife.....

...when I told him everything that was going on....he was overcome with tears. It was one of the most tender, amazing, sweet moments ever.......my brother was my best friend all through our growing up years....but I was always the wild and outgoing one...and he was always the responsible, brave and smart one............he was always more like a big brother.

ANYWAY...

You can see, again, how God worked things out for us...and worked things out for them. The Green Machine had been sitting in their driveway and had only been driven once in a year........to them, it was pretty much useless and taking up space......to us, it was the greatest treasure ever.

This is a great lesson in a few things.....a.) we almost always have something that someone else needs....that is probably really easy for us to part with...whether it is our time, our talents, our knowledge, a possession.......and b.) that when God whispers to you the needs of others......please listen. and c.) God works things out in ways that are funny and amazing and show His capacity for finding solutions to ANY problem..perfect solutions where everyone comes out feeling great.

and we all fit....

and it has drink holders...

and automatic transmission..........

and we could not be MORE GRATEFUL, THRILLED and AWARE of what an incredible miracle this was.....and is.

WE LOVE YOU TJ and AJ.............seriously.....so awesome.

...and we also got a whole bunch of really great family  photos today in the snow...

THANKS CHELSEA!!!
  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
Even more miracles to come! YAY!!!!

xoxoxo

melody

Now...this whole story is just a story that our family and everyone close in our life who has witnessed the Ross Family vehicle crisis of 2009 just laughs and laughs about...because really....the crazy, wild ridiculousness of it....the sheer amazingness of it just makes you laugh....plus...I think everyone has just thought it's really funny that I have had to drive around in bashed-up vehicles all year....because it serves me right for being so dang prideful to begin with.

This is one lesson that I have been stubborn and reluctant to learn....but, I think...I hope....that I am finally there.....

Ok...it all started with a minivan..........a minivan that I complained, cried about and cursed over....because it was old....and it was embarrassing...because I thought I was too young and too cool to drive a  minivan...and I am a car person, I have been since I was a little girl and my dad used to show me all of the cool cars he liked...he was a car person.....I really love nice cars with sweet interiors and fancy gadgets and drink holders and awesome stereos.......but after our financial conundrum...........I was left with the old, sweet minivan...the SMV as we called it (sweet mini van)

It was in tip top shape. It cost us $2500...it didn't have a dent or a scratch..the inside was in fabulous condition...it even had a sweet aftermarket CD player....

....then our oldest kiddo started driving...and he 'learned' to drive in it...so, by the time that season was over...it pretty much had dents and scratches on all sides...not big ones...just little ones....but...still...if it was embarrassing before......it was even more embarrassing now.

And then..the most awesome part of all with the SMV was that it had a "timing" issue......at random times throughout the day...without warning.........when you were stopped at a stoplight or a stop sign.....and you were getting ready to go........you would push down and down on the gas pedal......and it would rev up with all 4 of it's cylindars...but it wouldn't go...like...at all........then, it would finally get the message that it was supposed to go...and it would peel out and give you whiplash.

...so embarrassing.

One time I was at a 4 way stop. I dreaded those...especially when they were full of cars on all 4 sides. There were some teenagers at the other stop sign. They were busy doing something...so they kept waving me to go...I kept pressing the gas pedal...my SMV kept revving. They were laughing so hard..thinking I was trying to be awesome. My kids were laughing hysterically because I was soooo embarrassed...after about 30 seconds of the revving......and the teenagers saying GO LADY...GO...and waving their arms to get me to go.....the SMV finally got the message and peeled out, whipping our necks back......teenagers at the stop sign laughing and laughing and laughing......my  kids doing the same.....me completely and utterly embarrassed. Sheesh.

I kept cursing the SMV and the fact that I had to drive such a piece........you gotta understand that I was the only one in the house who had the big issue......my kids thought it was hilarious....never complained.

Not long after that.....the SMV got totalled....I mean the kind of totalled that equates to being DONE and in a junkyard. We only had liability insurance.....so........you can see where this is going....

I was left with NO car. That was in April of 2009.

  I didn't consider that I might not have a car for quite some time. I thought in my head that maybe this meant that I would finally get a sweet new car and that my humiliation could finally be over. Pretty dumb that I thought that, since the whole Chatterbox gig had just ended, and we had no financial stability on the horizon..........

We DO have a little 1991 Toyota pick-up. It is Marq's....so it is meticulously kept and runs like a champ. It does have what is called an extended cab...which means if you bend the seats down forward and climb back there, you can ride with your knees at your chin on a piece of carpet covered metal that will fit one of your bum cheeks on it. 

THAT is the vehicle that got the Ross family around in the summer of 2009.....when Marq was gone, and Brock was gone (he also drives a little Honda that we also own....but he had several jobs and school...so we shared when we could, but he wasn't always around) I didn't have anything to get me around at all.....I was stranded at home.

So.......I had to go to YET ANOTHER stage of swallowing my pride........and luckily, had some amazing friends....namely Shantel and Maria.....and was often on the phone like this:

Awesome. I felt cooler and more self-sufficient and awesomer than ever.

When I was too proud to give a friend a call....this was my vehicle of choice....
  

Well......this all sounds so dumb and ridiculous and lame now that this year is over.....but, this was such a huge issue for me. I complained about it a whole bunch......I think my kids and my husband loved making a big game of it...when we would all pile in a tiny toyota pick up and I would hide my head.......that's a LOT of people in a small truck...kind of like one of those clown cars.

Well...then our oldest son graduated....and so he was home more. I got to start driving the Honda...which I complained about. It doesn't even have drink holders...and if you know me...you know I love my icy drinks in the summer............I complained about the stereo and I complained about the fact that it was stick shift. Shame on me.

Our oldest worked all summer and when the summer was almost over....the Honda was parked at work....and someone backed into it. Great.....a great big scratch/dent down the side....a replay of the SMV.........

WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL......

Who knew that the whole plan for this car was going to be so incredibly miraculous! Read on.....it's pretty darn cool what happens next.....

In September.........the jobs ran dry and the money ran dry and rent was due and we had prayed and prayed and prayed and worked our booties off....and then Marq was asked to volunteer his time for a 2 week training thing for Boy Scouts of America. I was pretty freaked out.....

I told him that I didn't think it was a good time for that...I mean...we had, seriously $60 left in our bank account and a whole lotta the month left.

He told me...like he always does....that if we do our best, and then give our time....help as many people as we can, whenever we can, wherever we can, however we can...that he knew for SURE for SURE for SURE that things would work out. In this post....you are seeing that I can sometimes be a bit of a pain.....because...still, I was freaked out...worried............all of it. But, he really just kept reassuring me.

He was to go the mountains for 6 days...no phone service...nothing....no way to get a hold of him.

When  he left he said. "I KNOW that something will happen while I am gone and everything will work out."

I sort of believed him. I tried REALLY REALLY REEEAAAALLLLLLLLLLY hard to.

Well....

Our oldest son decided the next day that he was going to finally take the Honda in to have the scratch looked at.......he called me a few hours later...completely amazed...

"guess what? that little scratch is worth $1400.....they are writing you a check right now"

FOR REALS!!!!!! Oh my gosh, you have no idea...that might as well have been a million dollars because that was SOOO huge for us.

That week...I also got an old escrow check from 2 years ago, a rebate check from Walgreen's and a whole lotta happy goodness as I realized that the faith principle really works....while volunteering, Marq also got a few months worth of odd jobs that would get us through the next months.

So amazing...... you never never EVER know how or by what means God will bless you.

OK...so, we didn't get the car fixed...we used the money to pay the rent...I drove the car around through the Fall with a dent in the side and my heart softened a little more, feeling more and more thankful that I even had a car at ALL. I didn't complain as much........

Well....then, guess what? (this is long, I know....but I swear it's worth reading....)

You can't see it...but the front and bottom of the Honda is all smashed up....this happened about a month after the awesome insurance settlement saved our bacon.

This one wasn't quite so fortunate. This was another HUUUUUUUMONGOUS lesson in humility/humiliation....

One morning...I was in quite a mood.....in my sweats....feeling kind of bad about things....tired...freaked out again....money was starting to dry up again....the whole thing was just getting kind of old. I had to run to the store in the dented Honda and don't think I really even brushed my hair too much...definitely didn't put on make up....was in frumpy sweats and a too big sweatshirt with paint all over it...my hands were also covered in paint..........I stopped really quickly at the store....and realized I needed gas....

I am not very awesome at putting gas in the car. I am really pretty clumsy and I just really love it that my son or my husband does all that kind of stuff for me. But, I had to do it....so, I pulled up...thought I pulled the emergency break....and....

Started trying to figure out the dang gas pumps...the screen was broken..I couldn't figure out how to get my card to go in....on and on...i kept hearing honking.....louder...longer....louder.........I was already annoyed and getting more annoyed by the minute. Finally...after the honking didn't cease...I looked up to see that the honking was AT ME...and an old man in a big pickup truck was trying to yell at me through his window...waving his hands all around...his wife was doing the same thing...I looked over...my car was gone.

I looked across the parking lot....and there it was rolling...rolling, picking up speed......rolled halfway across the parking lot...headed into 4 lanes of traffic.

So I took off running in all of my frumpiness.....chasing the run-away car....and...it took a slight little turn, just before it went into the road, and smashed RIGHT into the big Chevron sign....I looked around at people shaking their heads, some laughing........and looked down to see that the car was all smashed up in the front. I got in, peeled out, and went into the parking lot next door and cried a little............then I went to a different gas station to fill up...one with no slope in the parking lot.

Now...I spent the next few days riding around with the side all scratched up....the front all banged up....the money in the bank account disappearing.........and then....believe it or not....
 One of my lifelong besties, Carrie......convinced me and my sis that we all needed to get out for a nice Holiday outing.......soooo, I picked her up and my sweet double-dented car...and we headed out to meet my sister.

Of course, I had all sorts of wonderful/sarcastic things to say about the dings and dents in my awesome car....and I told her the stories with drama and passion.......and, I KID YOU NOT...JUST as I finished telling her about how that first little accident paid our rent....and that it really could have been a sweet blessing....and I told her that someday I  hope to have a new car.....but that we were out of cash again....we stopped at an intersection, waiting to turn and

BAM!!!!!!

....some chick was texting and smashed right into the back of me. 

Carrie and I looked at each other and just busted up laughing...I think I even put my hands in the air and said YESSS!!!!! ........in fact.......I laughed when I called the police, when the police came, and when they were writing up my report. I could not STOP laughing.....

I KNEW this was another crazy freaky blessing that was gonna pay our rent again!!!!!

A week later we were picking up a check for $1700 from their insurance office.

I should tell you that we only paid $2700 for that car in the first place....THREE years ago, before my son had driven it all the way across the country and back and it had gotten him through his last few years of High School.

Soooo, needless to say. The rent got paid again........and....the incredible cash machine took another one for the team.

I got the sweet experience of driving a car that had bashes and dents pretty much in every single place that it could.........but, still drives perfectly......tell me that's not some kind of crazy miracle. 

There's EVEN MORE to this story......which I will tell you tomorrow. But, I just want you to  know that our whole family knows FOR SURE that these crazy things keep happening because we just keep on praying...keep on believing and keep on keeping on................

And....we thank the Lord over and over and over for the INCREDIBLE CASH MACHINE.......even if it's ugly, embarrassing, old and has no drink holders...I have started thanking it patting it on the head every single day.....because it seriously was our LIFESAVER...not once but TWICE at JUST THE RIGHT TIME...EXACTLY WHEN WE NEEDED IT. Our "starting-over" phase has not been uneventful...and as we are starting to get on our feet again....we will NEVER EVER EVER forget these amazing experiences that we have enjoyed/endured as a family.

......more to come.....

xoxox

melody

This little guy is the reason I knew for sure I needed to write about all of the incredible little and big miracles that got us so joyfully through what could have been a pretty miserable year.....so before I move on to the other things that happened....I want to tell you about an exchange that happened a few days ago that left me feeling so profoundly loved, heard and understood by our Father in Heaven.

My 4th little man is the most thoughtful, soulful, old soul. He has been since he was born....he used to just look at things for the longest longest time...even as a baby...as soon as he could talk...he would ask the deepest questions after he investigated something for way longer than a small child should have the attention span for.

He takes things incredibly seriously....promises, relationships, friendships...homework, animals....he has the best laugh ever, and he laughs because things really do touch him down to the core. He is kind and smart and sweet and a very important part of our family. He is the VERY BEST FRIEND to little man #5.....who is really equally special.........I will never understand what I did to deserve the 5 children I have been blessed with....you would just have to spend a day with them to understand.

And....I honestly don't know what I would do each day without these little boys.....the boys that almost didn't make it into our family because I was sure I only wanted to have 3 children.....and Marq and I had 3 incredibly wonderful children and then #4 came as a big surprise when #3 was 5 years old.........#5 was an even bigger surprise....when #4 was just a baby.

Our last regular paycheck was in April of this year. Through so many incredible acts of kindness, acts of nature....acts of God.....and lots of hard work in every form....we have made it month to month and day to day and week to week......and had absolutely EVERYTHING we have needed...but not much more.

It's hard as a mother to know that Christmas is coming and you don't have much extra to "fill the stockings".....my other three kiddos are teenagers...and really good, responsible, mature-ish ones at that....so the talk to them about things being sparse this year in the way of wrapped gifts was an easy one....they get it. They don't feel slighted or forgotten or sad.....in fact, they have been working their booties off babysitting and doing whatever other work they can get so that they can buy gifts for each other.

But I have been oh-so-worried about the Santa lists that my two little men would write out. I WANT them to have a very special Christmas...I WANT to give them what their hearts desire, I am their mommy and they are my babies and this time is so short with them........I KNOW that especially  my soulful little man #4 would really think HARD about what he wanted to ask Santa for......what he wanted very most for Christmas......and there would be a big reason behind what he was asking for....and he would trust for sure that Santa would keep his promises......and I KNEW this might be a bit of a heartbreaking year for him.

And..........I'm sure you can understand.......it was breaking my heart just thinking about it.

I know it seems kind of dumb.........I know that material things are of little real value.....I know the meaning of Christmas....but I also know that God knows what is weighing on our hearts too.....and little dumb things are taken care of just like big & important things are...I know this for sure.

I talked to Marq when I got home from my trip this week. We had saved up a little bit of money, and then we had one of those little vehicle emergencies that have a way of soaking up every extra penny..........so, there was not too much more left after that. Marq and I were in our bedroom and I told him that the other kids would be ok....but I really wanted to make sure that the little men had at least one really special present......they had not really told us anything that they wanted for Christmas...I guess this was just mostly weighing on my heart.....somewhere I was thinking that they were not telling us because they didn't think they would get anything this year......

Marq and I talked about things that we could sell......and we just decided that we would make it work...we would figure out SOMETHING to make sure that they didn't feel like Santa forgot about them.....

Well............something happened that I will never, ever forget.

We went out into the living room where the little boys were hanging out and playing by the Christmas tree.......Marq and I sat down on the couch next to them....and I asked #4....

"If you could have ANYTHING that you want for Christmas, ANYTHING at all....what would it be?"

It was pretty clear that he hadn't really thought much about it.....and that surprised me.

Then...he tipped his head sideways.....looked up at the ceiling for a while...and then said.....

"My friend at school has THE COOLEST socks, he said they keep your feet warmer than ANY socks that are made. I think they are called WOOLEN SOCKS.......that's what I want....I want some woolen socks.....do you think Santa would bring some woolen socks?"

I was stunned.

I actually started laughing.

I looked over at Marq......and we both started laughing in amazement.

I said "Buddy....I am SURE than Santa will make you some really perfect wool socks."

then we looked over at little man #5....the first one was miraculously easy, doable...we'll see how this one goes...

"What about you, pal.......what would YOU want if you could have anything?"

He looked at Max and said....

"I want some woolen socks too."

....and they got up and ran off to play.

AND THAT WAS THAT.

Marq and I just sat there stunned for a while....I said...."can we buy some woolen socks today?"

and he said "yep, we sure can..."

NOW....you can not tell me......EVER...no one could EVER EVER EVER tell me that angels from Heaven....SOMEONE from Heaven put those desires and thoughts into the heads of two little boys at Christmas......

to bless a mom and a dad who just wanted to give their kids what they really wanted....

and two little boys are gonna be OVER THE MOON excited on Christmas morning by this:

 
If that is not a miracle....I don't know what is.

Still makes me cry just to think about it. About the tender little mercies and tireless thought that God puts into solving our problems, big and small when we go to Him with them.

He really came through.....this whole month has been this way.

Can't wait to tell you more.

Keep looking for ways that Christmas miracles are showing up all around you....it will fill your heart with so much love and joy that you won't even know what to do with yourself........this has been the best Christmas season I can ever remember....

BEST LITTLE MEN, EVER.

.....soon with the warmest toes, ever.

xoxoxox

More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. If you add in a head-injury, a traumatic brain injury to be exact....it goes up to somewhere around 75-85% (I have been told all sorts of different statistics). Tell me it's not a miracle that in 2010, we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. Sure, 5 years of those 20 were pure, torturous hell, but, we made it through that part. I can finally say we are on the other side of that horrible ordeal.....the biggest miracle of THIS YEAR.

On March 29, 2009........My Marq picked up and pretty jubilantly rattled the contents of his translucent brownish-orange prescription bottle, then poured out one last pill....and swallowed it. And that was the end of that part of things......we never, ever thought he would finally take his last pill. The huge pile of pills were the only thing that kept things at least slightly stable....kept the rages at bay for the most part, the suicidal thoughts and plans manageable, the depression at least numbed a bit...the sleep constant....the moods hilly instead of mountainy....they kept his body alive and at least kept him from remembering or feeling what his life had become.

But on March 29 he swallowed the last one....because it was time....

I wasn't even home that day.  I didn't even know that he was that close to being done with his meds, it was so scary for me that he was actually going to stop taking them, that he really didn't talk to me much about it, just to his doctors. The last pill day was actually his 41st Birthday and I was in Los Angeles.....a story I will tell you a bit later, because that week held all sorts of surprises.......but over the greater part of the last 5 years, the pills were more numerous than I wish to remember, and the different drugs that we tried and failed were a pile of expensive bullies that just made things harder in most cases. I never thought the last pill day would ever come....but it did.

I have to say that I think it is very merciful that we can not see into the future......I think sometimes we think we want to know what is going to happen, but so many times we would be so absolutely overwhelmed with what is ahead for us that we probably would give up. In Autumn of 2004, it had been a few months since Marq's accident, and he still was just not feeling well, and just "off"...not himself. I kept telling myself that it would be just a few more weeks and he would be back to normal, I kept telling him that too...to just hold on...and I really believed it.....I would have my husband...my rock, my hero, my business partner, my parenting partner and my best friend. We could make it a few more weeks.....we had been married just a little more than 14 years at that time....our kids were 13, 11, 8, 3 and 2. Here's a photo of our family just about a year before it happened.....

So we got through that first 6 weeks and things were not getting better. Little did I know....little did HE know...that the bad part hadn't even started yet......that it would be a steady decline down into the darkest most hellish place imaginable....and that soon, we would not even recognize him, he would not recognize himself....that our marriage....our friendship.....our dad.....would only be a memory. 

I remember talking to Marq's doctors in the beginning...and asking them what was going to happen, when he would be better....and they would just give me the saddest, most pitiful looks.......and most often would say...."it could b 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years.....we just never know with brain injuries"

Well, I believed FOR SURE-FOR SURE-FOR SURE that we would be the 6-weeks case. I KNEW that with all of the good things that Marq constantly did in the world for others, for our family...that there's NO WAY that a loving and kind God would let this last more than 6 weeks......so I buckled down and prepared myself for a long 6 weeks.

6 weeks went by.......things still got worse....6 months went by....even worse......a year.......

The path was confusing and horrible. It started with debilitating headaches and exhaustion. (Did I tell you this was from a surfing accident? But...a long string of concussions over the years from all of his extreme sports totally magnified the problem) He was in bed for weeks at a time. He hardly ate. He was so drugged up that he really couldn't carry on a conversation. After about 60 days, when the headaches were managed, but he was still drugged-up, I started to notice little personality changes. He just was not himself.........I attributed it to the drugs. At this time, we had a big, successful business....so I balanced my time between running the business and running home to be with him and our 5 children. He had been the stability and rock in our business and our home...the analytical one who made sure everything was meticulously planned, that everyone was safe, that everyone knew what their part was....that everything would be ok. The chaos that ensued in my brain was indescribable......Thank goodness we had amazing, wonderful, loving babysitters at home helping all day.......Marq just stayed upstairs in our bedroom....so unlike him....you see, he is the hardest working man you will ever meet in your entire life....so full of life and passion and enthusiasm....BOUNDLESS, unbelievable energy.....the BIGGEST LOVE for others I have ever seen in a man.....and he would hardly get out of bed.

Then the rages started...and the depression. He was INCREDIBLY negative. Mean. Nothing made him happy. He would not look at me...he didn't want to see the kids. Every day he slipped into a deeper, darker hole. He didn't want to wear the same clothes....he didn't want to see his friends.....when he was awake he stomped around, so angry. (I do want you to know that he never, ever ever took any of this rage out on me or his children. He knew he could not control it....so  he pretty much just stayed away from us........and from almost everyone else.)

More months went by.....he spent more days in a row in bed. He talked less when he was out of bed.....he had a constant scowl on his face....EVERYTHING made him angry. He was scary......he looked different....his face had changed and his posture had changed...even his voice seemed to have changed....it was honestly like our kind and fun dad had died and someone else was living in his body.

SO MUCH HAPPENED during those years.......all around us...too much to mention.....but, he just stayed upstairs in that room....sometimes came downstairs and went out to his workshop to try to weld something, or build something....he would get so frustrated that he would just go back to bed....years and years like that.....YEARS........years are long like that....they stretch and pull and spread like they are eternal. 

I will get to this phrase "PLEASE STAY WITH ME" in just a bit.....I guess I need to tell you that in 2000, we bought a 100  year old farm.....the house of my dreams....I would put up a photo here....but I'd have to go look for it because it's just too hard for me to keep photos of that place around......because we don't live there anymore......BUT....Marq and I had spent almost an entire year renovating it before we moved in........he would work looong days outside, turning the side pasture into a huge, beautiful yard for the kids....then work inside....fixing things up.....it was beautiful and perfect and custom made just for us, for our family...it was our home and everything was planned so that someday our grandchildren would visit us there.....and we would rock them to sleep on the porch.....a gorgeous old stone house with a big porch and small, cozy rooms and beadboard everywhere and bright colors painted on the walls.....more than 25 old trees on the place......hay fields and a couple of old barns....I gotta stop talking about it...that part still rips my heart out.

But...that's where all of this happened...so you can imagine what happens to 7 acres when the man of the house is down in bed for years.........our oldest son tried so hard to keep the place up....but he was really just a boy then. Ultimately........through a long string of really yucky things....we lost the farm.

But before that all happened he laid in our bed...the pencil post bed that we set up together in that upstairs room...the coolest part of the house where the entire upstairs was the master bedroom....lined with old 12-panel dormer windows....so full of light....such a happy little room before it all happened.

So....back to STAY WITH ME.

People ask me all the time how we stayed married through this. People asked even more DURING it. The doctors would even ask. Some of the doctors would sit me down after it had been years and tell me that it would be ok if I couldn't keep going.....that things might not ever go back to how they used to be...when they would see what our marriage had become, or how the old Marq was gone and this new guy was miles past difficult and angry and withdrawn. Most of them didn't even know the old Marq....if they would have, they never would have suggested to me that it was ok to leave......

What people didn't know was what would happen when I would think about leaving.....because I will be honest...I did. This time was no picnic.....so, sure...there were sometimes really bleak "what if" thoughts..........but, I want to tell you about a very short little conversation that happened enough times that I was able to endure it........

I don't know how many millions of tears I used to cry............but, it was a lot. I most often cried upstairs in my closet....where my kids couldn't see me, where Marq couldn't hear me from the bed. I would go in my closet and just kneel down and sob and sob and sob. I was so angry at God for lots of those years....but I still talked to Him. He was still very kind......over those years, I really did learn that He knew and understood and knelt right there beside me.....but, I still was angry and confused and felt very abandoned. I would stand in the shower, with it on full blast.....and that's when I would really sob........let the sound of the water drone out my sobs....let it all wash down the drain.....then....I would get dressed............and so often....so very very often, I would come out of the bathroom, where my closet was too....and he would still be there lying in that bed, sleeping.....

and so often......I would tip toe over there and kneel down next to him and cry really silent tears..........and I would stay sometimes for a few seconds and sometimes for a few minutes...sometimes for a long time. Sometimes I would gently put my hand on top of his, or try to fit my hand under his. I would just look at him......and remember...remember the promises and the kindness and the amazing years we had lived together so far..............and I always thought that he didn't even know I was there....his eyes were closed...he wasn't moving at all.....in most cases....it would have been days since he even spoke a word to me.....but SO MANY OF THOSE TIMES, when I would start to stand back up and leave.....his hand would quickly grab my arm....or my hand.....and he would just say....

"Please stay with me"

Now at the time...it was confusing because it never seemed like he wanted me around...or that he even noticed that I was around...but when he would say this...I knew that there were deep parts of him still there, covered up and held hostage by the war that his brain chemicals were waging with him. So, I would stay there, beside him, just a little bit longer...or I would crawl up on the bed and lay next to him............and, it made things feel worse sometimes....those reminders of what we used to be together......and he wouldn't say another word....it didn't lead to a conversation, it didn't really lead to anything....and then more days would go by without him looking at me or talking to me.......but I would remember those words "Please stay with me"

And I would research and research and research ways to help him.....and take him to his doctors....and look at old pictures.....and listen to music that spoke to me............here's a few songs that I used to listen to almost every day (there are so many more too...music is so healing and such a universal language)

"Please stay with me...."

It's really the only thing he ever asked of me during those years........and kneeling or laying beside him was the small thing....but, I don't know that it's really what he meant.........the bigger meaning was to stay through the next years, through the next rage....stay with me while I figure this out....stay with me while I am crazy and mean and psycho....when I'm not myself....please just stay with me.

There was another conversation that happened on a day when he was coherent and up and awake.........one of the WORST parts of the ordeal were the "normal" days...they were like mean tricks and they would show up with no warning and end in the biggest, longest, worst crash....sometimes they would last for days in a row...sometimes for a few hours....but it's like the clouds would clear in a little hole of a storm...and the sun would shine for bit...and my old husband would be back...or really clear glimpses of him.........and I would rush to get as much information out of him as possible.

I asked him on one of these days what he was feeling.....I didn't want to ask....I really didn't want to know the answer to the question that I NEEDED to know the answer to...but I asked it anyway........and we just had a really matter-of-fact conversation. I asked him about Me. I asked him why he didn't see me anymore, why he didn't look at me......I asked him if he still loved me.

I still hate talking about this...but now that we are on the other side..........it's ok to talk about. If you could see me right now I am drenched in tears again because I have not talked about this in SUCH a long time......and feeling now that it's time...these are different tears............more cleansing tears than bitter tears...and that is good I think.

But...the conversation. I asked him if he still loved me. He said...."I know I should love you, I KNOW I should. I know that's what I should feel...but I don't. I don't feel anything....." and he grabbed my hand and said "Melly, I am so sorry. I hope I can feel that again someday."

And then hours or days or whatever...however long that was later.....he was gone in the black hole again.......

and more months and years went by.

Anyone who met Marq this year....or knew him before the accident...this would come as a complete shock. He is the most loving, doting, affectionate, kind, serving, sweet husband. The most patient teacher...the most selfless worker..............the most loving loving, uncondionally loving human being...But, that left him for those years.....

Here's what I know. I know he would have done the SAME for me.....HE WOULD HAVE STAYED. I KNOW he wanted me to stay. I KNOW he wanted to get better..........and I KNOW that there were things that happened during those years that were essentially for my personal growth....for his...for our children....for our family as a unit.......there were things that could not have happened any other way.

I could tell you a million things that made it possible for our family to stay together.........but it all boiled down to DAILY decisions....just like all difficult things do. Sometimes the decisions were hour by hour....but when life is HELL.....When things are harder than you can imagine...you  have to wake up every day and decide, before you even get out of bed, what and who you are going to be today...what voices you will listen to....what path you will choose..... We both had to decide each day that we would do what it takes to stay together.....to keep our family together. We had different battles to fight........he had to break free from mental hell......he had to keep fighting when he didn't feel anything but rage and didn't really even want to be alive. I had to fight to keep my promises.....I had to fight off the loneliness and the confusion and the devastation...............and, I KNEW HE STILL LOVED ME SOMEWHERE IN THERE......

But.....if I died tomorrow....I would forever regret not proclaiming what the REAL miracle was....all along. I am not one to preach or to be a religious fanatic.......but there is NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that things would have turned out the way they did without many many many hundreds, thousands of prayers, and the FAITH that we worked really hard to cling to....and the faith and prayers of family and friends and strangers....we simply would NOT have survived this without God there.....without the healing influence that overcomes you when you find that all you have left in the entire world is the love that God feels for you...the way that He knows you....the way He knows what you are capable of...how you feel, what is ahead for you, what you need to be able to keep going. When my husband could not feel love for his wife...me............my heart was so broken.....so I took it to God...I remember saying the same thing over and over to Him..."Please show me who I am to YOU....please help me understand.......please heal this up....." and He did...EVERY DAY...every time I asked...even when I was bawling Him out for letting this happen to us....He just kept comforting me..... ....and that's how I stayed....and that's how Marq stayed alive and fighting......because we stayed next to God.....honestly....and as always....God never left us for a second. Five years is a very long time....and at the same time...five years isn't very long at all.

We are doing awesome. We are happy most days. We have PEACE............

One of the other things I used to pray.....words I would say...."I will give up EVERYTHING if you just give me my husband back...."

Well...guess what? God took me up on that offer...............the next miracles I will talk about concern the other things that happened this year.....losing pretty much every material thing we ever worked for.........but, finding EVERYTHING we ever needed.

Stay tuned...so much more more to come.

Please look hard for your own Christmas miracles...we all have them. We have SO MUCH to be thankful for...every day, no matter what.

xoxox

be back soon

melody

I know I have so much I need to write about, that I have promised to write about....but I can't get this last year off of my mind. 2010 is going to be a whirlwind of starting-over adventures and happy announcements.......and before all of that starts...I really want to finally tell about the last 12 months.

2009 was beautiful and scary and confusing and heartbreaking and wonderful and exhausting. And, surprisingly, 2009 is my VERY favorite year I have ever lived...at least so far.

I want to spend the next week until Christmas writing about the wildness along our path this year.........little miracles that were SO BIG...some of them happened to our family...some to people we love....all of them changed us....got us closer to all that's good and true and we, especially ME....learned that everything I need, everything I will EVER EVER EVER need, no matter what....HAS BEEN RIGHT HERE ALL ALONG.

As 2009 draws to a close....I can feel deep deep deep in every part of my soul that a whole big chapter of life, of my family's life, of my marriage.....of everything that is my personal history is also drawing to a close. I know for sure that this is a necessary step in the amazing wonderful life that is ahead...in spite of the fact that we have never had "less" that we do now....less material things...less stability....seems we have lost everything on earth and FOUND everything that ever mattered in the first place. As much as I have difficulty with goodbyes...with letting things go........this is a door that is ready & almost BEGGING to be closed. I finally know it's time (and man oh man does that ever feel good!).......but first I have to honor everything that is behind that old heavy door, a door that I will kiss and thank for all of it's lessons. I really must share the things we learned as a family in 2009.

.....even if I am the only person who ever reads what I will write over the next week, until Christmas......I must document the miracles that took place over the last year, and what they have meant to us. Some of the stories I will tell I have never told...some I have told parts of. What I know for sure is that TOO MUCH has happened NOT to tell............

Here's a photo I took shortly after we moved to this rental house last year........after we lost our beloved farm ....I could feel that something big was about to happen....but I had no idea JUST how big it would be..... 

Stay tuned while I get all of the stories up......xoxoxo

melody

I remember a giant realization several years back. It was a life-changer, because it brought something into my life that I thought would be forever illusive, unattainable. I learned that you can be afraid and still be brave. I learned, in fact, that bravery meant looking fear in the face and doing it anyway…whatever “it” is.

When I got home from camp……I was on a high for days and days…..and then my heart said…”hey, remember all of that stuff we just learned?” and I knew I had to make some changes, confront some “lies” and search for more truths………….it has been an intense journey…..I know it has been for the other girls too…..painful and beautiful and essential…..we all wanted to get through some barriers….and we have……

I went for a walk about a week later. I have developed a relationship with Heaven over the years that is unique and wonderful for me. God often speaks to me in images….especially when the message is really important for my growth. I knew there was something I needed to hear on my walk…..and I felt like I should bring my camera.

In a swampy ditch I saw how when we let things pile up….it stops the flow. We have to clean out the blockages so our water can flow freely.

I saw this broken light. Now….this made me cry because I knew it was for me. Since this lightpole is over 20 feet tall…I have no idea how it got tipped like that…and you know what? It doesn’t matter……because the light feels broken….and it is broken…but…my message was….JUST SCREW IN A NEW LIGHTBULB and PUT YOUR HEAD BACK ON…then SHINE BABY, SHINE…….it’s not broken…the light is just burned out……..new lightbulb….all is well….no big deal.

Then…a bird flew right past my face…almost saying “hey watch me…watch me!!!”  So, I stopped and watched…then she flew way up and in some crazy, weird way….somehow staying in the air,  in ONE spot for 30 seconds or more………………flapping her wings like CRAZY and not going forward ONE INCH…..like there was massive, tremendous wind blowing against her….I was in awe….then, she moved over just a few inches, spread her wings and just rode on the wind….gliding effortlessly, beautifully……………making huge progress without much work….she looked like she was having a blast…..and she just moved over a few inches.

I thought for a second……..hmmmmm….I am sorta like that. Stubborn. I know I need to move over a few inches…but I wanna see if I flap hard enough if I can beat this wind.

Then I thought…I am so lame…..that was not even a message for me.

I kept walking….

And saw a birdie in a tree……….she flew right in front of my face…and did the EXACT SAME THING as the last bird, in the exact same spot.

Ok…I got the message.

Finally………..I saw this roadblock. Here’s where the biggest, most surprising message of all came…and I thought I knew what it was all about. On this day, I had submitted a bunch of my designs for a very big meeting, a very huge and important product line with a very fabulous company. I  was absolutely positive that they were going to say no. I was bracing myself for it….so, when I saw this sign and knew I was supposed to internalize it…I knew that now was not my time…that maybe someday this road would be opened for me. Frankly, there was a huge part of me that was relieved. I tried my hardest and now I did not have to face my big fears of putting more of my work out into the world.

Well….a week went by and I didn’t hear anything. So, yeh….it was not meant to be…maybe someday.

Fears can settle down now.

Then…..the suprising call came…..the first meeting was a YES.

Then another meeting was a YES

Then the big meeting was an even BIGGER YES.

And I was confused. And scared. And……….shouldn’t I have been really excited??? Well, I was excited too. But then the lies started….

“remember what happened last time you were successful? It ruined your life”
“people will not like what you make!”
“you suck, get over yourself, you are a joke!”
“you can never pull this off”
“you are lame, forget about it,don’t do it!”
“you are not strong enough to do this again”
“you are going to make a fool of yourself”
“that part of your life is over, stop trying so hard”

But……..

What the sign meant this time was….get ready, girl……it’s time for this road to be opened up. (read that sign again……it says the road IS going to open)

And…since I got home……….one door of opportunity has opened after another…..big, beautiful opportunities that totally make sense and align with all of my goals for Brave Girls Club….and allow me to work from home and focus on cherishing and loving my family and friends. And, every day, I have to swallow my fears….or spit them out, and the ugly lies…actually, and seek the truths………………that is just ONE of the gifts of Brave Girl Camp….so many more to share.

So….it’s time to pull out my book of truths. And…..finish the other projects we worked on…which I will show soon.

Pretty soon I get to show you a bunch of the products I have been working on that will be in stores soon………….then everyone will know where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing and how it will make its so that I can actually breathe in 2010 when all of these products are everywhere……and I will be able to  blog…and maybe even get a car…..and make pretty things………and all of this hard work is finally paying off!

Here’s to the truth………find it today and squash the lies.

xoxooxxo
Melody Ross


p.s.
now that I spilled my guts….I will be giving you more Brave Girl Camp memoirs…..next AMAZING, FABULOUS and WONDERFUL camp is in February….to sign up…go to www.bravegirlsclub.com to the register page

Like…how on earth did this ever even happen? (this was the question that I asked myself over and over DURING it all….and had to remind myself of the path that led us to where we are now.) This is me on the first day.....right when our busload of Brave Girls arrived......not many times in my life when I have felt this much happiness...but I will write about all of that later...

But, THIS, is about my big sister, Kathy……my partner in Brave Girl’s Club.

…and then I met HIM

(sorry if this photo is a little graphic...this is just exactly how I feel about him right now)

Well flash forward 16 years. I was almost 35 years old. I had been all over the world…I had made all of my dreams come true. My life was everything I dreamed up…..but my heart was broken into thousands of pieces and it was about to get waaaay worse. My sister showed up. You have to understand that I’d spend the last 10 years traveling, working, working, working, working, working…………I hardly EVER saw my extended family. On holidays I was often so exhausted that I didn’t even go to holiday stuff…..my priorities were totally messed up, and I had fallen into a “survive”’ pattern.

And, one of the questions she would ask me over and over and over….is what do you really really really want to do? What do you really really really love?  What makes your heart sing…..what do you feel like you were sent to this earth to do?

And….HE showed up…..my soulmate…my best friend….my life’s gift…my eternal gift. He finally showed up again this year…THIS YEAR after being so sick and gone for the last 5 years….he came back…..and he has been such a HUUUUGE part of making all of this real. We could never have done this without him.

I watched beautiful women make incredible things out of scraps from my past (literally and figuratively) that I had a hard time parting with……and take them home in the form of birds and collages and miracles………….so many of my experiences that I used to tearfully ask “WHY ME?” about….finally made sense…….because my pain was a tiny part of someone else’s miracle. I saw other’s women’s pain turn into someone else’s miracle….I saw their scraps turn into someone else’s treasure. I saw women find themselves and find each other. It was so beautiful for me. I was not expecting that part……I just wasn’t. So many blessings come when we are least expecting them. Kathy even got me to sing with her......which was a huge miracle in and of itself!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

We are already ready to do this again.......if you wanna sign up for one of the 4 Brave Girl Camps we are gonna do next year....we would sure LOOOVE to have you there...

go to

www.bravegirlsclub.com

If you want to read testimonials from some of our beautiful Brave Girls....

Jeanne

www.bushelandapeck.typepad.com

Teresa

www.teresacollins.typepad.com

Becky

Lissa

Camille

Kallie

Jeri Lynn

www.jurralynn.wordpress.com