Self-Love – Yes, I Can Diary

May 2013 – Know I’m Enough

5/17/13

This past week, free-fall has been bouncy at times, due to moving through some unavoidable emotional turbulence. The combination of old residue coming up for release, ego vulnerability, what’s at stake and this odd sense of being in a vacuum has felt disorienting and confusing. One moment I’m fine, but two minutes later, I’m not.

I have no “doing” compass anymore but my ego mind still has its moments and gets itchy and impatient wanting reassurance, let alone results that we are, in fact, on course. My heart shepherds me as my “being” self emerges and builds energy and dominion. I feel like I am straddling two different worlds at the same time, learning the language of the new, and unlearning the language of the old.

Nothing really matches up between the old and the new so you can only imagine the  radical change occurring. The difference between them is clear: fear or love. The choice is clear: fear or love. I do my best to not fall back into the drama (fear), but to stay present with the new (love), even though it often seems almost unbelievable.

The feeling of being love and creating from it is pure joy, and at the same time, it is so big that it feels unattainable. It is an odd experience because my instinct is to let go and “be” but the vestiges of fear resist that sense of freedom, interpreting it as dangerous and impossible.

But, in more and more moments, like right now, I can clearly feel the Universe supporting me and I know, without a doubt, that I am on the right path. I am moving forward and everything in my greater psyche and awareness reflect that. I can see how more open I am than closed, as evidenced by the many small miracles that are occurring almost daily. Random “rockets of desire” (Abraham’s terminology) manifest almost immediately, keeping me buoyed in amazement. Ask and you shall receive is a reality!

I have taken to looking at the unknown (formerly the monster under the bed) as a big SURPRISE, one that I’ve been looking forward to forever and is finally about to be delivered. It feels like Christmas Eve or the night before my birthday, only way way better. All the small miracles are precious messengers getting me ready for the big reveal, each one helping my ego (fear) let go of the last of it’s old stories.

A couple of days ago I had this image of myself in a house that was literally collapsing around me. Room by room it fell away as I stood safely in the middle of the chaos and destruction. For a brief moment, my ego panicked and began to flail, reaching out for something to hold onto, but my “being” self gently intervened and showed it the wisdom of letting go of all the past trauma and beliefs. It literally asked my ego to follow the love instead, and it did.

In fact “follow the love” has become my free fall mantra. Whenever I feel lost or unsure, I take a moment to find the love, and when I can feel it, I follow it. Immediately, I am rebalanced and unstuck. Flow is restored, the house continues to collapse and I continue to free-fall. More next week…

Here are a few entries from my daily log that I’ve been keeping about this whole experience. I thought they might be useful if you ever find yourself jumping off a ledge too. While I’ve logged them by date for myself (to capture all this as it unfolds), I’ve picked them randomly for you. They include some a ha’s, miracles, signs from the Universe, observations and process.

• I’m clear that I need to sit in the void and “BE” until it’s clear I’m ready for whatever is next. When my mind’s engine begins to race, I hear the words, “Let it come.”

• Very strong child energy came up this morning when I awoke. I had this distinct experience with the child part of me that knows nothing is impossible and that there is magic everywhere. It was very electric. I keenly felt that what comes next is living and creating and harnessing that consciousness. And then later in the morning (as it’s May 1), I chose my new Shine Card for the month, and low and behold, it’s CHILD. When I put it on my tray of treasures that sits on my desk, I realized it sits next to my card for the spring equinox (April/May/June) which is JOYOUS and I was immediately catapulted into who I really am (but have never been able to live). JOYOUS CHILD shouted from within me and I connected to the rapturous feelings I had during meditation. (Two days later, I read that JOY is ONENESS.) Surely, I am on the right track.

• Sometimes I have these brief moments of heart/mind ping-pong where I bounce from fear to love in a flurry of shots. Love always wins.

• Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. – Chinese Proverb  ( I’m beginning to relax and it is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.)

• There is nothing I haven’t surrendered to Spirit. NOTHING! And I do it as often as necessary! And the more I do it, the better I feel, the more relaxed I become.

• The greater part of me knows I’m fine, but sometimes my mind won’t let the sleeping dogs lie. More and more,  I’m coming to understand that fear is really just a habit. I also see that fear feeds on drama and reaches for it first. It finds it hard to let go of this resource. It’s almost a compulsive reaction. I can see how people in general feed off of fear, but only because it’s habitual. They’re not conscious of it.  Love doesn’t reach for anything. It is. Only love is real.

• It kind of feels like I’ve actually connected to my inner prosperity, but I need to surrender the old ego/fears so I can receive it.

• FOLLOW THE LOVE – This popped out of my mouth when I was speaking to a friend. When it did, I felt something click like a key in a lock and all my energy changed and started to flow in a new way. It has become my mantra.

• “Mimi the Beautiful” – I was telling a friend about my free-fall, and as we talked she said to me, “I wish you were able to see what others see about you.” And then she went on to tell me what she sees. Although I was embarrassed, it was very touching and she wouldn’t let it go…even started calling me Mimi the Beautiful. Out of this exchange I realized two things. One, that my skills at receiving are rudimentary at best (smile) and two, that I told a story to another friend not two days ago about having always wondered what people actually saw in me (because I saw nothing and was always amazed that others would like me). And voila, the universe responded. Yes, there are miracles happening.

• A Bluejay appeared in the backyard one day. Interestingly, I had been wanting to see one as they aren’t common around here (actually as I write this, one just started calling their distinctive call) They represent (didn’t know this until I looked it up) the ability to link heaven and earth, to access power from both. They are fearless and have enormous talent and teach us to either use it or lose it.

I always love to hear your comments and own stories here, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Please remember to love yourself today!

Photo Credits with LOVE:

Follow Your Heart by Ballookey

Straddling by Bawish

Surprise by Steve Gunderson

Bluejay by Maia C.

Part thirteen in The ABC’s of Self-Love Reflections Series…

Self-Love means… never having to say you’re sorry(ever) for who you are.

“They say to, “never say never”, but this is an exception to the rule.” (Excerpted from The ABC’s of Self-Love)

When the movie, Love Story, came out in December 1970, I was barely twenty-four and sorely in need of some romance, as well as a good cry. My happily ever after had evaporated, and I was in the midst of negotiating a divorce and planning life as a single mother. Being a true romantic, the movie resurrected my faith in true love, as well as a flicker of hope that someday I might find the man of my dreams.  Also, the famous line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, struck a chord that still reverberates today.

At the time, “I’m sorry”, was the first thing out of my mouth and often the last. I apologized for everything, even if it wasn’t my fault, and I meant it. I was the most self-deprecating woman-child you’d ever met, and saying I’m sorry was the only way I knew how to make up for being me. “I’m sorry” wasn’t a gratuitous throw away to get someone off my back. For me, it was real, and I did everything in my power to never repeat the imagined offense.

Over the years, these words of remorse became chronically ingrained, so much a part of my persona that breaking out of them almost took a force of nature. But, even so, underneath this obsessive need to apologize, another part of me always wondered if that evocative line from the movie could be true. Of course, for a long time, I didn’t understand what it really meant, but it percolated none-the-less.

It wasn’t until I began to explore loving myself that I understood they were talking about unconditional love. It was then I also realized that every time I said, “I’m sorry”, I was rejecting myself. “I’m sorry” had become a huge eraser that I unconsciously used to rub out my presence and my power.

Eventually, it became painfully apparent how ubiquitous “I’m sorry” was in all my interactions whether personal, professional or general. It peppered every conversation. But as self-love grew, and I started to flourish and accept myself, whenever I said, “I’m sorry”, a bell would go off and I’d find myself thinking, “Am I really, and for what?”

It was a process to be sure, but self-love is a steady, guiding hand, a light in the tunnel, as well as at the end. It taught me how to live “Love is never having to say you’re sorry” from the inside out. And over time, except in rare moments, the dysfunctional “I’m sorry” all but disappeared.

In my years as a mentor and soul intuitive, I have become poignantly aware how “I’m sorry” permeates our communication as women. Men don’t have this problem. For many reasons, it’s not a part of their consciousness. But for women, it has become the universal default phrase that keeps us down and in our place.

Around the world, in every role we play, the bar is set impossibly high for women to be women. And, as women, we take our responsibilities seriously. When we don’t meet expectations (inner and outer), our “I’m sorry” is sincere, intended to fill the hole we have created by our perceived inadequacy or error.  But, more importantly, at the same time it is digging a deeper one.

For every “I’m sorry” that isn’t attached to something that we validly need to apologize for, we lose a piece of ourselves. Let me repeat that: For every “I’m sorry” that isn’t attached to something that we validly need to apologize for, we lose a piece of ourselves. It is the antithesis to self-love.

 “I’m sorry” might make someone else feel better but what about you? What does an unwarranted “I’m sorry” really do for you? Is it time to deflate its presence? Why not start by paying attention to when, why and how often you say, “I’m sorry”? Do you really have something to apologize for, or are you throwing yourself away instead of loving yourself?

Here are a few helpful things to remember and embrace as you begin to delete “I’m sorry” from your relationship with yourself and the world…

Never say sorry for who you are “knowing” in every moment that you are doing the best with what you have and that you are your spirit on a journey of discovery. (Excerpted from The ABC’s of Self-Love)

Never say sorry for shining your light “knowing” that dimming it is playing small. Play big. Your shine is beacon of hope and gives others permission to do the same.

Never say sorry for your feelings (or showing them) “knowing” that you are creating your life through your thoughts and emotions for the purpose of learning and growing into more of yourself.

Never say sorry for the choices you’ve made “knowing” that there are no mistakes and no accidents, only opportunities and gifts with every circumstance, comfortable or uncomfortable. (Excerpted from The ABC’s of Self-Love)

Never say sorry for something you haven’t done “knowing” that it is your job to lead with your heart, speak your truth and teach by example.

How can you break the rule of never say never and love yourself today?

I look forward to your comments and thoughts about your relationship with “I’m sorry”, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Please remember to love yourself today!

I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I’m a bitch I’m a lover
I’m a child I’m a mother
I’m a sinner I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way
So take me as I am

~Alanis Morissette~

(Excerpted from I’m A Bitch)

Happy Monday!

This morning I just have to give a personal shout out to Alanis Morissette for telling it like it is. In her deeply personal songs, she’s known for being transparent and eminently authentic. Her lyrics convey raw emotion and no holes barred opinions evoking equally strong emotion and opinion.

Whether you are a fan or not, it is hard to deny Alanis’ gift to anyone who has heard her sing. In her willingness to be human, she deftly opens doorways and passages through her music that might have been long overdue for some air. She is enviably comfortable with who she is, and through her art form gives others permission to do the same.

But this week, she may have done more for “being yourself” than she planned by wearing this bathing suit with self-love emblazoned across her butt! Then again, she’s Alanis, and my guess is the message is way more important than the unexpected and often rude attention. From my perspective, fashion police and gossip rags be damned, she’s done more for loving yourself than any Vogue cover or red carpet walk.

On a Hawaiian beach, with her hubby and her son, she showed up comfortable in her own skin and let everybody who was looking clearly know just how much!

Good on ya girl. Thank you for being such a stellar model for self-love! The world needs this kind of love and  is desperate to hear this message over and over, and you did it! You can be my pin up girl any time!

May all of us who still wrestle with our inner bully about being good enough just the way we are, cut out this picture of Alanis and post it on our bathroom mirrors as a reminder of what self-love really looks like. How sweet is that?

Would love to hear your own stories of wearing self-love on your sleeve (or wherever..;-), and if you like this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Please remember to love yourself today…that’s how important you are!

Photo Credits with LOVE:
Alanis Morissette by FameFlynet

Self-Love – Yes, I Can Diary

May 2013 – Know I’m Enough

5/10/13

When I was in my 20’s I was all about death defying roller coasters, Evel Knievel and sky diving, but once I hit my 30’s, not so much. Although flying like Peter Pan has remained alive and well, free falling is another thing all together. That’s never been on my bucket list! But here I am doing exactly that…. midair somewhere in the cosmos…without a parachute, space suit or a net (that I can see)…and no idea what to expect or what might happen next.

Fortunately, I am past the panicky OMG stage of watching the ledge I’d been on forever disappearing in the distance, as well as the disorienting tumbling out of control stage that comes after. Yes, I am still catapulting, but have righted somehow, and find (to my surprise) I have become very present and still.

In this state, “doing” is impossible, and as “being” is the only option, my awareness is expanding, and with it moments of startling revelation and clarity.  With very different eyes, I am watching and witnessing: the world in general, myself as I respond to this situation, my life and my true desires, LOVE’s ubiquitous presence and mother earth’s endless giving.

All the while, here I am falling into and through the unknown and I have the distinctly calm realization that I am safe; I am being taken care of. I can’t see it but I know it without a shadow of doubt. To be sure, this all probably sounds really strange, and it’s sort of hard to explain, but what I’ve noticed is that the more I surrender, the more relaxed I become and as a result, the more supported I feel.

So every time something comes up I surrender (over and over) to the Universe (God, Goddess, Spirit, Buddha, Divine Essence whatever you want to call it)…whatever it is and as often as it does…fear, doubt, old beliefs, worry, control, judgment, attitudes, every one of my dreams and hopes, money and all things financial, my business, my life and all my affairs…everything.

Each time I let go I am giving up my limited perceptions of what’s possible and my attachment to certainty, which are both, rooted in fear. I am not abdicating my responsibility or co-creative role but I am asking for and allowing the Universe to do what it does best…LOVE. With each surrender, I am trading fear for love.

I have no doubt that I am undergoing a spiritual transformation. And, firmly putting woulda, coulda, shoulda aside, I still wish I knew long ago what I’m learning now as I fall. For all those years I clung to the financial ledge, all I ever imagined was the disaster that would follow if I let go. And, over all those years, my grip became like iron. I was my own prisoner.

Losing it all scared me…grip harder. Not being able to pay my bills scared me…grip harder. Disappointing others scared me…grip harder. Failure scared me…grip harder. The list of nightmares and humiliating scenes was endless…grip harder.

Fear ruled, and as fear does, it kept me separate from the larger truth. Here’s how it worked. As a kid I was deeply ingrained with the belief that I was unlovable, that I wasn’t enough to be loved. And as a consequence, I believed all the abuse and misfortune that came my way was my fault and deserved punishment. These impressions and perceptions indelibly locked in, and without my understanding it (until now) colored the rest of my life. I didn’t stand a chance.

This is what I know now more clearly than ever: This whole state of mind about “not being enough” starts the ball of poverty consciousness rolling. When you believe you aren’t enough, you often believe you don’t deserve anything good, let alone enough. They’re all inextricably linked and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your world becomes narrower and narrower, opportunities smaller and smaller because your vision for yourself reflects less rather than more. “I want it, but I can’t have it, because I don’t deserve it” is the insidious tape that loops endlessly within.

And fear keeps you separate from the love that can show you the way out.  Why? Because it has you on this endless chase to prove you are enough (when in fact you’ve been enough all along). Fear convinced me that if I worked harder, dug deeper, became nicer, and got smarter etc, eventually things would shift. Not!

I had been on the ledge for so long that it was all I knew. That tiny, barren, unforgiving ledge, barely big enough to support me had been my home my whole life. It was my lifeline, where all my attention was focused. I was putting all my energy into maintaining my grip on the ledge. But as I let go and fell away from it, I could see it for what it actually was, my poverty consciousness. Nothing was ever going to grow there except more fear, defeat and despondency. No matter what happens, letting go wasn’t sure death, staying on the ledge was.

To my amazement, when I surrendered and let go, instead of the door to all my nightmares opening, it closed.  And, in turn, the door I’d always thought was only for others opened, the door to dreams come true: knowing I’m loved just the way I am (enoughness) and everything that comes with it…flow, peace, joy, love, happiness, support, ease, trust and grace.

No, the tangible manifestations of those things haven’t shown up yet but they will. The door is finally open, the rest will follow. I am still in this free fall process of awakening and recovering. As I fall I leave the consciousness of the ledge further behind and I am beginning to wake up in a whole new world, one that I can feel, and with time will be able to see.

On the outside nothing has changed; on the inside everything is changing. The outside will catch up to the inside very soon. Stay tuned.

If you are new here (Welcome, by the way) and haven’t read last week’s diary entry, today’s might make more sense if you do: Uncharted Waters. In fact, you also might be interested in these as well: Free Your Light – Let Go,  Self-Love – Enough Just The Way You Are.  

I look forward to your comments and own stories of letting go and surrender, and if you like this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credits with LOVE:

Hanging By A Thread by David Bill

Free Fall by Chad Horwedel

Iron Grip by Oleg Mikhaylov

Hamster Wheel by Klaus

My First Sunrise View by Sajesh Dasan

Are you ready for love? Are you ready to love? Are you ready to love yourself?

I love love. I always have, always will. I love everything about it…the feel, the touch, the ecstasy, the rapture, the smell, the smile, the sound, the giddiness, the power, the thrill, the kiss, the hug, the joy… and yes, even the pain.

I love romantic love and the promise of a union that empowers both partners. I love maternal love and the promise of unconditional acceptance and nurturing. I love paternal love and the promise of a steady hand to guide the way in a big world. I love sisterly love and the promise of feminine compassion and secrets kept. I love brotherly love and the promise of protection and loyalty. I love friendship love and the promise of authentic sharing, laughter and mischief.

But the love I love the most is self-love because it is the foundation for all the rest. It is a promise always kept. Without it, we cannot love one another, as a partner, a mother, a father, a sister, a brother or a friend and fulfill the promise of that role. We may try, but we will fall short, because we can only love another to the degree we love ourselves. Further, the quality of love we have for ourselves determines exactly the same output for another, and conversely, what we’ll receive. Test it, you’ll see. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” (From: The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

For years, my proudest accomplishment was that of being a mother. I put everything I had into being a good one and never thought twice that I would fail because that was unthinkable. You see, long before my children were born, I had made the solemn commitment that I would be the mother I never had. And, when they were born, this amped-up maternal passion fueled my love.

But it wasn’t enough. My capacity to give them everything they needed was hampered by my old wounds and self-hatred. Even though I did my best to keep my own garbage away from them, it was impossible as the inner emotional waters I lived in were toxic waste. And, as all children do, they swam right along side me.

Despite the extraordinary joy I derived from my kids, despite how they filled me up, I didn’t fill myself up, and as a result was unable to fill them the way they deserved.

Accepting that fact has been a bitter pill to swallow as I’ve watched them struggle with issues that might have been avoided if I had loved myself earlier in their lives. I know now that I wasn’t a bad mother, but because I totally negated my personal value, I wasn’t quite the one I’d hoped to be.

My original hubris has been humbling as well because I can see clearly now that my own mother (my foil) was also handicapped by her own self-loathing, which is the pond I swam in. We handled it differently to be sure, but when I understood my own, it helped me forgive myself and her.

Self-love is the bridge over troubled waters. I wish I’d known that sooner, but I’m also grateful that it’s never too late. We have all had our share of sadness, upset and disappointment, some of us even betrayal and trauma, which have compromised or damaged our relationship with ourselves. But in learning to love ourselves, we can calm the seas that rage within, and become the true captain of our own ship rather than a member of the rebellious crew.

Our relationship with ourselves is the bellwether for our relationship with others. What we resist in ourselves, we resist in others. What we accept in ourselves, we accept in others. What we search for in others, we are searching for in ourselves. The more we love ourselves, the more love we have available for others.

We are all looking for love, but until we find it within, it’s hard to give it or get it the way we want it. As a fortune cookie I once opened so wisely said, “Our first and last love is…self-love”.

Would love to hear your own story of getting ready for love so please leave your comments below, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credits with Love:

Lacing the Gown by Tyrone Burke

The Rose by Alice Popkorn

Bridge Over Troubled Waters by Eric Kuschner

Being self-luminous
You cause everything to shine;
Delighting in your form
You fill the universe with delight;
Rocking with your own bliss
You make the whole world dance with joy. 
~ Utpaladeva ~

 (Philosopher – AD 900 – 950)

Happy Monday! A couple of weeks ago my son and daughter in law had a layover in Denver and I went out to the airport to catch a hug or two and some love. Our time was sweet, albeit brief, and I left them heading to their gate feeling like I had just spent the perfect Saturday morning. On the way to fetch my car I made a pit stop (tea always does that!), and as I left the bathroom this quote of Utpaladeva’s stopped me in my tracks.

You can’t miss it. It is engraved on this particular bathroom’s exit wall, and the placement is so improbable and unexpected that I stood there scratching my head and cooing over the words at the same time. Of course I’d never heard of Utpa who??? but that didn’t matter, my heart connected instantly. It may sound silly but I felt seen, affirmed, appreciated and loved. It truly was a moment out of time, the message random, out of the blue and perfect.

I savored it as I stood there and read it several times. And then, as I scribbled it down on the small pad I carry in my purse (clearly you never know where inspiration will find you), I hoped that others had had the same experience of rocking with their own bliss and not missed the moment because they were running to catch a plane! What a wonderful celebration of the human spirit to take on your life’s journey, let alone to New York, Chicago or LA.

Anyway, I guess I could make a lot of jokes about where I found such beauty but that’s not really the point. The Universe is creative in how it gets our attention and being a wonder junkie I am grateful for wherever inspiration finds me (bathrooms are now on that list).  I was truly moved by Utpaladeva’s playful and enduring vision of the human spirit, and further, by his ability to capture it so eloquently, paying it forward for centuries to come.

Not many of us are comfortable with being truly seen; we always think there is something to hide. But, please, please, please read these words of Utpladeva’s over and over until you can feel yourself in them and understand, “You make the whole world dance with joy.”

P.S. If you’re ever in Denver, make sure you put this ladies room on your list of things to see, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credit with Gratitude:

Dance of Joy by Smaku

Self-Love – Yes, I Can Diary

May 2013 – Know I’m Enough

5/1/13

On Sunday (4/28/13), I entered uncharted waters. I pulled my finger out of my financial dike and let go. For years I have operated dysfunctionally where money, wealth, success and prosperity are concerned and the only way to start anew was to let the old structure (such as it was) collapse. Even though I have excavated, examined, scoured and healed so much in the labyrinth of my limiting perceptions, beliefs, behaviors and wounds, I was still spinning my wheels in the realm of abundance (all forms). Since doing things the same old way only gets the same old results, I have been screwing up my courage for months to do things a new way. The first step was to surrender (like never before) and let my financial house of cards crash. Yesterday it did.

So here I am, quietly sitting (well maybe I’m twitching just a bit) in the midst of the debris, letting the dust settle, kind of dazed and amazed. At the same time, I am also calling in all my angels, goddesses, totems and guides to hold and reassure me that I am not crazy, that I am enough and that the Universe is celebrating this turn of events because it can now actually help me. (true surrender = receiving)

“How’s that going?” you ask…Well, better than you might expect, but then again, there are these huge tsunami’s of panic that tumble me every so often, leaving me breathless and gasping for air. Fortunately, I have been practicing the art of rolling with them for months now though, so they don’t last as long and take less of me (my trust, confidence, knowing) with them each time. In fact, since letting go I have even felt a burgeoning sense of relief, which ebbs and flows, but is certainly gaining purchase none-the-less.

Whenever I feel any lightness, I breathe into it hoping to fan the embers into flames. So far, it all seems to be working as I awoke this morning with a clear sense of opportunity and new beginning. We all know the saying, “when one door closes, another opens” but until it does, most of us sit there biting our nails wondering if that’s really true and if we deserve it. In the fabric of my being, I “know” that I am in the best place I’ve ever been in my life, but my human eyes are having a hard time avoiding the train wreak.

In the past, when faced with chaos and calamity, my first reactions (aside from all the survival mechanisms) were to doubt myself, determine I’d done something wrong (again) and to feel like a failure, that I wasn’t enough.  In this case, although it has taken time, trust, faith and courage to get here (read: some kicking and screaming was heard), ultimately, I consciously chose to let this happen. So, as a result, my response has been different. Panic has been here, but goes as quickly as it comes, replaced with a new awareness and very humble respect.

I have no idea where I’m going. I don’t have a plan. My savings is gone. I have no income. My bills are paid for this month, but at the moment I have no idea how I will cover next month’s. I have been showing up, evolving, following my passion, living my purpose and dedicating my service to the greater good (LOVE) but something was out of sync that I just couldn’t identify.

I have been miserable and stressed living on the financial edge my entire life, always pulling myself back from seeming oblivion at the last second. No more! I refuse to live on the edge any more.  I am letting go of what doesn’t make me happy. “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” (Thank you Thich Nhat Hanh) I choose to be free of lack, dearth and poverty of any kind. I choose to flourish, to receive, to bloom, to prosper, to shine, to acknowledge and share my wealth and to lavish abundance. But how?

Once upon a time I would have associated this kind of conversation with all things money. But in learning to love myself, in learning to know that I’m enough just the way I am, I’ve also learned that money is just a small part of prosperity, a small part of what it really means to be wealthy, to have enough.

You see, financial security is not the only thing that has eluded me. No matter what I’ve done, true love, success, inner peace, happiness, creative ease, full spiritual connection and good health have all remained just out of reach. Only in the last couple of years have I understood how all of this is connected. The more I chased the money train, the bigger my desires for all these other things. It finally sunk in that what I was really seeking is inner prosperity so that the outer (worldly prosperity i.e. money, success, etc.) can show up.

Which brings me to the present…

Self-love epitomizes and fosters inner prosperity. I say that emphatically because I’ve lived it, but I’ve also known that I (personally) didn’t have all the pieces. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t reach the inner pinnacle that I intuitively knew was there, nor the outer affirmation that comes with it. The frustration of being so close and yet so far way has taken its toll.  So, when the financial bottom threatened to fall out again, this time I just let it. It was time to do something different, to change direction, to shift the dynamic, to open the window, to trust the Universe as never before.

I had to let go of my need for certainty and the illusion of control, which are driven by fear. Clinging to certainty limits our experiences to only what we think we need, when in fact the possibilities are endless and beyond our imagining. I want to live beyond my imagining rather than behind it. I want drastic change so I took drastic measures.  It was time to go big or go home.

The Universe is set up to take care of us, to provide for all our needs. It is designed to fill all the voids. It delights in our happiness. It is LOVE in action. But the only way it can deliver is if you let it, if you are open to receive, if you get out of the way. Clearly, I have been in the way.

And now I’m not. Letting everything collapse revealed the missing piece—as a child I inadvertently created a spell by vowing to punish myself for being me and I have been living that out low these many years.  In Marianne Williamson’s inspired book, The Law of Divine Compensation, she says, “Now, in this moment, standing in the field of miraculous possibility, you can dis-enthrall yourself from the limits of your past.” I have always been able to see that field of miraculous possibility, but also I made sure I could never stand in it or partake of its promises. Not any more.

My little girl deserves nothing less than her heart’s desires come true and it is my prayer that this leap of faith will break the spell so she can.

End Note: There are NO accidents. I had to smile when I saw that May’s intention is, “Know That I’m Enough.” Obviously I’m right on track. I have no idea how all this will play out but I promise to continue to be transparent in the hopes it will help all of us on our journey to being and having enough. Stay tuned.

I would love to hear about your own journeys through uncharted waters, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credits with Love:

Money Flying by Oleksandr Kolachuk

Change Directions by Crazy House Capers

Princess and the Frog by J Harris Day

 Part twelve in The ABC’s of Self-Love Reflections Series…

Self-love is…discovering your voice and making your own music.

“There is an old saying, “Most people go to their graves with their music still inside them.” There are so many factors that can contribute to this tragic truth– fear, circumstances, conditioning, trauma, experience, limited resources, etc. But, it is hard to accept anything other than our music as the final word when you realize that each of us has something only we can offer.” (Excerpted from The ABC’s of Self-Love)

It took me most of my life to discover my voice let alone use it, in other words make beautiful music. As a kid, I had sworn myself to silence about what was really happening at my house, and to further cover it up, sold myself a bunch of crap about my abilities to communicate. I believed these lies so completely, and over such a long period of time, that they became real, preventing me from knowing and living one of the most powerful aspects of myself.

When we are hurt or in fear, denying who we are let alone what we know is a common protective mechanism. It’s effective at first but eventually can be more like shooting yourself in the foot. For years I convinced myself that I was a lousy writer. Further, I maintained that I wasn’t creative or original, nor could write anything I felt deeply about. Almost literally, I had myself in a choke hold.

It took perseverance and finally some old-fashioned hair of the dog to loosen my grip and break through some of these myths. Fifteen years ago I challenged myself to write my first book…and I rarely back down from a challenge.

The process of writing the book was about as painful as my life had been to that date, but by forcing myself to birth it, I had to labor through many of the fears and taboos I had associated with expressing myself publicly in any form. Writing was just the tip of the iceberg…speaking out loud (even on the phone), making noise, having an opinion, telling the truth, sharing my true self were all felt like I was exposing myself in some lewd, unacceptable way.

But, by holding my feet to the fire, I learned not only that I could write, but also that I wanted to. Writing is part of my music and while it wasn’t easy to break my silence, let alone trust my voice, I knew that I had to do it in order to live. It is a vital part of who I am and I feel incomplete when I’m not expressing myself in this way. And, it is especially fulfilling to put my experiences into words that help and inspire because I have always sought strength and wisdom from others’ journeys.

One’s music is the very essence of being. It is one’s life force, quite simply, who you were born to be. All the static/interference we come up against isn’t meant to define us, it is meant to help refine and shape the diamonds in the rough that we are so that we can shine our brightest, so that we can play our music. We are all instruments of the beautiful noise that is us, and it is up to us to do everything we can to make sure we are heard. We are meant to thrive, not wallow. (Excerpted from The ABC’s of Self-Love)

If you have an indefinable yearning, an unquenchable thirst for more meaning, a secret desire that has become an itch, or a dream that keeps appearing, please don’t ignore them any longer. This is your music trying to play its song. This is your music looking for a parade to march in. This is your music looking for a partner to dance. This is your music looking to be heard. This is your music asking for you to play out loud, turn up the volume.

It’s time for each of us to discover and sing, play, dance, pound, paint, parent, run, write, laugh, flaunt our music, our shine…whatever way it’s meant to be expressed.

How can you make beautiful music today?

I would love to hear your own story of making beautiful music here, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Don’t forget to love your wonderful self today!

Photo Credits with Love:

Writing by Urbanworkbench

Dancing by Helene Villaneuve

She Let Go

She let go.
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

~ Ernest Holmes ~

Happy Monday!

When letting go and I finally hooked up for the first time, this is exactly what it felt like and has ever since. I can’t tell you the exact day or time or what precipitated my first free fall, but it was unmistakable when it happened and it was a clear choice, even though it didn’t really come from my head. Something inside just shifted/released and I knew it was time to jump, so I did. Coincidentally (although we know there’s no such thing), yesterday, I found myself letting go again of life, as I have known it, into the unknown.

Letting go is as simple as it is complex. It’s a deep breath, “just do it” kind of thing that can instantly transform. It’s the art of allowing, accepting, surrendering, flowing and trusting, all in concert and at full crescendo.

As a woman, I know first-hand the baggage we all carry that weighs us down, holds us back and clips our wings. As a woman, I believe it’s time to help one another let go of anything that keeps us from our full power and expression. Every time we let go, we free more of our light into the world and into our own lives.

May a light breeze blow through you this week.

I look forward to hearing your stories of letting go here, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credit with Gratitude:

Lighters by An Nguyen

Self- Love – Yes, I Can Diary

April 2013 – Speak My Truth

4/26/13

Can you keep a secret? I can but I’m teaching myself not to.

I have always prided myself on being the very best secret keeper ever. “Your secret’s safe with me” ran in my veins and was part of my early honor code…as a child, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend. I grew up in a landmine of secrets. My family made them and we children were raised to carry them. Some secrets we were schooled to keep, others we were threatened to protect and others we were terrified into. I can’t claim any early integrity, but I clearly remember feeling silence was my duty, and I took that very seriously. Only now, do I understand what a deep impression that made and how far I took it.

In my powerless world, keeping secrets made me feel powerful. It was something I was good at, something no one could take away, and because so many of the secrets were horrifying, keeping them provided the illusion of safety. Looking back on it now, this was a twisted perception, but a child’s mind does whatever is required to survive. My sisters and I even created our own secret club and secret language to keep us alive.

I can’t remember all the secrets I’ve been entrusted with over the years but I can tell you, if you asked me to never tell, I didn’t (and won’t). I always felt secrets to be a sacred pact, a trust which if broken could never be resurrected. I have distinct memories of miming “opening my mouth and swallowing the key” to seal the silence I had committed to. My unspoken word was my bond.

I think because it was ingrained so early, I attracted people’s secrets like bees to honey. Strangers, random encounters, acquaintances, all ages, all types would find me through some kind of inner radar and drop their darkest, never-been-told stories on my doorstep. I never thought much about it except that I liked feeling trustworthy, and yes, even special, knowing something no one else did. In my naïveté, I felt like I was strong enough to bear the burden of someone else’s darkness, until I realized the toll all the secrets I was holding (others and my own) were taking.

“Secrets are like stars. They blaze inside the heart and ultimately could be explosive. But there are two types of secrets. Small secrets, like small stars, will eventually burn out. With time and space they lose their importance and simply vanish. No harm done. But big secrets, like massive stars, with time and constant fear grow stronger, creating a gravitational pull that eventually … When they get so big, they become a black hole.” ~Jennifer Jabaley, Lipstick Apology

I began to deal with the biggest of my own black hole secrets when I started to love myself. These were the ones I didn’t even remember because I’d buried them so deep. They were also the ones that were taking my life, and to save it, I had to find and get them out. The love I poured in eventually began to fill the holes and the secrets rose to the surface. But it took years to reconcile their damage, because all the energy it took to keep them concealed was as harsh as the secrets themselves.

Up close and personal, I learned the importance of divesting yourself of your own secrets, conscious and unconscious. I also learned that keeping any part of you hidden, at bay, under cover, incognito, masked, gagged, abandoned, buried or locked away is keeping secrets. It isn’t only the too-terrible-to-repeat experiences, perceived wrongs, petty but embarrassing incidents, flagrant violations or shameful moments that kept in the dark can ignite through their own combustion, but our own denial of ourselves is as incendiary.

This month, as I opened myself to speaking my truth, I found myself faced with a couple of old secrets that I have never told anyone…anywhere…ever. One is about me personally, and the other, I have carried for someone else who I’m very close to. Both are painful. Since they’ve surfaced, I have gone round and round with what to do about each and spent much time in reflection with them.

I’ve carried both a long time, my own, since I was about seven or eight. I’ve really delved into all aspects of both and how they’ve impacted me. My own has shaped me in ways I never would have imagined, a lot of it unflattering, pejorative and punishing. But, by staying with it and loving it, I have also been able to see some pearls I can take away. Also, the longer I look at it, the less power it has. It is disassembling. Soon this monster under the bed will be no more.

I have done the same with the other secret. Even though it is someone else’s, it cuts close to home, so I’ve guarded it well. But the more I’ve sat with it, I know it’s a small star that burnt itself out long ago. So I let it go. I surrendered it to Spirit. It wasn’t mine to keep or carry in the first place, but secrets are seductive and in the moment can seem like life or death.

At age seven/eight, my own secret seemed like life or death to me, and I have lived with it that way ever since. I wrapped it in remorse, shame, guilt, regret and fear and locked it away where it grew way out of proportion. You never would have been able to convince young Mimi it was anything less than a massive star with the potential of raining terror. But the truth is, it was just a small star, and if I’d let it, it would have burned out all by itself.

I will always believe that some things are better left unsaid, and some things unremembered, but to intentionally hold them away from the light of love is like cutting off your own air supply. Small secrets, like stealing your first kiss, sucking your thumb, cheating in math, telling a white lie, sneaking out without permission or flipping your teacher the bird will burn themselves out as time goes on, as long as you let them. Big secrets, not so much.

This week, I will take my secret, my small star, and tell a friend about her. I will break my silence.  No longer will she be a secret that I deny love. No more will she be a secret.  I will let her burn out, completing her cycle of life and open the door to new life. No more will I keep secrets, my own or someone else’s. Those that I already carry, I have given to Spirit which is where they belong anyway.

When you love yourself, there isn’t any need for secrets. There’s nothing to hide. We all have things we’ve done that we rather we didn’t, said things that have hurt others, failed at something, experienced the unthinkable, realized we weren’t who we thought we were and worse, felt we were someone our parents or no one could love or accept. It’s all a part of the journey, all a part of learning.  To love ourselves is to accept our choices and claim our lives as our creations. To love ourselves is to bring light into the darkness where we once kept our secrets. There are no secrets to keep, only love to share and life to live.

I would be honored for you to share your thoughts and comments about secrets here, and if you liked this post please share the love on Facebook and Twitter too.

XXOO – Have you loved yourself today?

Photo Credits with Gratitude

Lost Art of Keeping a Secret by Jehane

The Fireworks Galaxy by Adam Block

Light in the Darkness by L. Asuncion