MELROSE POLITICS

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

2011-03-26T11:50:00.002+11:00

In an EXCLUSIVE NSW Election Day special, Barry O'Fahrenheight makes his premiere debut in Australia's most famous fictional segment, the Imaginary Interview.

Mick Cartonne: Barry O ' Fahrenheight, thanks for your time.

Barry O' Fahrenheight: A pleasure to be here.

MC: Your political opponents are putting all their hopes into the unknown factor. They say people don't know what you really believe in. Some in the NSW ALP think you hold more positions than the Kama Sutra. How do you respond to such claims?

BO: Well, Mick, unlike my favourite football team, the Wests Tigers, I can only take one standing position on this issue. I'm not going to indulge in negative campaigning because there's nothing negative to say about the Kama Sutra.

MC: If the Liberal/National Coalition is elected on March 26, how will your government work towards getting the state back into better shape?

BO: Two words. Health reform. 72 million dollars will be used to roll out practical based Kama Sutra re-training courses to help working mum's and dad's avoid serious injuries when making love and consequently, reduce waiting lists in public hospital emergency departments.

MC: Do you believe there is a link between climate change and the upcoming landslide that has been predicted by political scientists?

BO: Mick, the science does indicate that most election results are man-made, so my answer would have to be yes.

MC: You are a big fan of using football analogies in interviews. What can you do to get mother nature back on-side?

BO:It's a well known political philosophy that behind mother nature is a good man.

MC: Don't you mean behind mother nature is a happy man?

BO:I'll leave the trivial stuff to the media, Mick. But where I come in is by working on introducing an incentive based Emissions Reduction Scheme that cuts down carbon output in this state without hurting working families.

MC: And how exactly will this scheme work?

BO: By convincing voters on March 26 to let us do work experience on the other side of the chamber in the Lower House so that we can deliver real political climate change.

MC: After losing four elections in a row, how will your party convince people to get behind you on polling day?

BO: By hopping on a big bus, telling stories in childcare centres and most importantly, by playing tv commercials with scary music featuring photos of former premiers.

MC: But how will this have an impact on lowering emissions?

BO: The science suggests that when Labor is kicked out of office, we see an automatic reduction in the output of hot air and bullshit. So if you want to change the environment for the better, you have to put Labor out of business on election day.

MC: Won't that be bad for democracy?

BO: My sources tell me it'll be good for the political environment.

MC: Who are your sources?

BO:The Liberal Party.

MC: Premier O' Fahrenheight, thanks for your time.

BO: Thanks for your vote.

JUST A THOUGHT

2011-03-16T10:36:00.006+11:00

Warning: My sense of humour has taken sick leave due to the problems the world is facing right now. Should the waiting list for a sponge bath by a pretty nurse be short, then this serious interruption of all things ridiculous should be very short. Thank you.

DEAR ANYONE WHO CARES

Mother Nature is going to continue acting like a Tim Shaw steak knife commercial. You know the one's where his famous catch line is, 'But wait, there's still more!'.

Guess what. He was onto something.

The ecological infomercials we are witnessing at the moment right around the world will not be interrupted until we take a commercial break from our excess lifestyles.

We have to learn we can't have everything we want regardless of how much we earn or where we live.

But no, we can't offend people's lifestyle choices can we, even if it's in the name of that slightly important cause called SURVIVAL.

Here's a challenge for you all this week once you get done finishing your crossword or blabbering on your mobile phone about something nonsensical Charlie Sheen said on social networking site, the Twit.

Try finding a politician in a major political party that will stand up to the selfish society and some of the media by speaking the truth.

Oh and by the way, I am not a leftie, I am not an extremist, I am a humanist who believes that it's not the size of your intelligence that counts, it's what you do with it for the greater good of society that matters.

But let's pretend she'll be right and we'll see what happens.

That'll keep you looking good in the polls while keeping the factions and their lobby group bed buddies on your side.

However I should remind you all of something that might be worth taking into consideration as well.

Mother Earth has never been beaten in a Grand Final football match when her opposition is us.

Just a thought.

MICK CARTONNE MP
(Member of the Public)

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

2011-03-10T07:33:00.001+11:00

Changing the media climate with his exclusive access to unbelievable public figures, Australians rely on one man to ask the questions that don't matter...ever.

This week Mick Cartonne chats with the Executive Chairman of a retail brand that likes to inform Governments about consumer tastes.

Mick: Mr Chairman, thanks for joining me.
Chairman: How much is this costing me, son?
Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? This is a radio commercial isn't it?

No, this is a radio interview where you try and sell your side of the story.

What story?

Your latest piece of adult fiction about big retailers who are struggling....

(LAUGHS OUT LOUD) Yes, a very original concept that. More creative than a Harry Potter title.

Can I continue?

Is there any GST involved?

No. You can avoid that by talking to me instead of our advertising department.

I like the way you think son.

We thought you'd like it too, that's why we called you.

You should've emailed me instead, son.

Why?

No GST.

Your involved with a group of retailers campaigning on television to convince the Federal Government to create a more level playing field between Australian retailers and foreign competitors because people who shop online don't pay a Goods and Services tax of 10 per cent on purchases under $1000. What's the feedback been like from your loyal customers?

We haven't got any.

Feedback?

Loyal customers, Mick. If we did we wouldn't be buying our way into trouble with this campaign.

How will the big retail gang measure the success of this anti-GST push?

You mean the information awareness marathon?

Yes

Well, we've certainly exceeded our expectations. That much I can tell you.

Can you give me an example?

I'm very happy to, Mick., Since we started re-shaping the outlook of Australian consumers, my chain of stores has been recording a higher-than-average level of in-store inquiries.

About what?

Our broad range of high-definition television sets.

Are these inquiries purchase-related?

Honestly speaking?

Yes

No.

What are these inquiries about?

Something about turning the TV's off.

When?

During the middle of the day.

Can you tell me when the bulk of your tv commercials are going to air?

When the small hand strikes twelve.

Why do you think you've had so many requests to turn the tv's off in your stores?

Something to do with global warming, I imagine. You've got to think with the times, Mick and get with the trends. Global warming is global which means it effects everything.

We'll have to leave it there.

Excuse me, I haven't finished informing my customers.

Our audience knows enough

You know if it wasn't for the bloody media, we wouldn't need to have this discussion.

I'm sorry, how is your campaign to disadvantage consumers the media's fault?

If the media didn't get its knickers in a knot about the margin of difference between the price of Australian goods and those sold by the overseas scum, we wouldn't be getting abused by people on the internet now, would we?

How did the media find out about your prices?

We advertised.

And who sold the computers to the people labelling you greedy bigwigs?

We did.

Thanks for your time.

Everything I've said is non-refundable. A pleasure doing business with you.

ANOTHER LIFE CHANGING SURVEY

2011-03-07T16:14:00.001+11:00

How do you seperate those who've been naughty from those who are nice? It's all in the vocal chords, writes Mick Cartonne.

Image Source - Wikipedia

There are plenty of useless, renewable resources our planet is not running out of. Cheating partners and inane academic studies are on that list.

But now it seems they are jumping into bed with each other for a common purpose.

According to the latest edition of online journal, Evolutionary Psychology, there is a link between voice pitch and infidelity.

The study asked participants to listen to two versions of recorded clips from both a male voice and a female voice. They were in higher and lower pitches.

When asked which one, from each pair of voices, was more likely to cheat sexually on their romantic partner, the women believed the lower the man's voice, the more likely he's going to cheat.

In other words a radio career may not be for you. Amen.

A POETIC PLANET

2011-03-04T08:39:00.004+11:00

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS RATED HH; HOPEFULLY HUMOROUS.

The pollies in NSW have 22 days left to convince you who to vote for. But some have already made their mind up including stand-up poetry star, Benji Olten.

Public speaking as demonstrated by Cicero

After recently opting for a career change, Olten has turned to the wonderful world of prose and will now write for Melrose Politics every Friday.

Each week Olten will attempt to pass the time by casting a comical interpretation of the most important stories and people being brought into our lives care of the mainstream media.

This week he turns to the biggest event in 2011 that Events NSW is not promoting in its advertising campaign; the State Election.

Casting Off
Benji Olten

There's a speaker in there
A few dickheads as well
There are leaders playing games
And electricity to sell
Keep an open mind when you vote outside
For none of the C....

Melrose Politics is unable to continue with the rest of this poem due to linguistic difficulties. We recommend you watch an old episode of CHEERS on YouTube. Thank You.

WHEN TECHNOLOGY WORKS

2011-03-02T09:44:00.010+11:00

Australians played a new version of knock and run yesterday but nobody in the Commonwealth Bank could see the fun side, writes Mick Cartonne.

It started like a small peaceful protest but soon got right out of control. That's one way of summing up the people's response to the technical fault Australia's biggest bank had to have on Tuesday.

A fault (I prefer to call it a refund) in the technology which operates Commonwealth Bank cash machines allowed customers to withdraw more than their account balance.

News of the glitch spread quickly and callers to a Sydney talkradio station reported long queues in Villawood, Glebe, Chatswood and Macquarie Park with people attempting to take advantage of the situation at the expense of the CBA's shareholders and management. Geez, I wonder why.

For many this was a fantasy come true and one too hard to resist taking advantage of.

Finally after years of being on the recieving end of excessive charges, higher-than-normal interest rates for loans and opening hours convenient for dole bludgers not workers, this was a win for the good guys; the little Aussie battlers.

Some actually thought there was a new fiscal policy in town called "free cash" (or an uncapped carbon copy of the government's "stimulus package")

Another conspiracy doing the rounds was that this was proof that the new People's Parliament in NSW was really working.

Unfortunately, anyone subscribing to such theories were wrong.

Just like the Global Financial Crisis, this was an accident.

The only difference being that if you go to jail for "accidentally" getting too excited at your new found wealth, there will be no "bail out" for you. That's part of the privilege of lacking power and influence.

One talkback caller claimed two of his friends had withdrawn $500 from an ATM in Gymea when their accounts had only a few dollars in them. Was he for real or ribbing the media and its audience? In the short term, this is hard to verify.

Detective Superintendent Col Dyson from the State Crime Command's fraud squad warned it was a criminal offence to keep excess money dispensed from an ATM and that it would eventually have to be returned to the bank.

Paul Murray reminded his audience on Sky News last night that to participate in the great cash swindal would be akin to leaving your wallet behind at the scene of a crime, considering you could only withdraw excess amounts using your individual ATM card, which funnily enough has all your details on it.

So I guess for many people out there, you'll be doing a lot of sweating about the prospect of getting a knock on your door in the middle of the night from an evil shareholder demanding you hand "their" money back.

I just wonder how many people had a flutter on the horses with their "new" savings. That's what I call the "Double Trouble Extra Jail Term Deposit Super Special."

What will your excuse be if you find yourself down at your local police station trying to explain why you can't pay the rent but can drive a new Bentley?

Here are my top 5 free cash excuses:
1. Pardon me, Officer. I didn't think I was stealing. I thought it was interest earned.
2. I heard about banking reforms on the news and thought this was a rebate.
3. My wife told me to get fit, so I decided to go for a run on the bank.
4. The Government told me the economy was growing.
5. I didn't know bank bonuses were exclusively monopolised by the greedy.

TRUE STORIES

2011-02-22T10:11:00.003+11:00

From the Hard To Believe files
Mick Cartonne

Ideological independence took on a whole new meaning during Sweden's 2002 General Election.

Sweden's national legislative assembly, the Riksdag

According to author Phil Mason in his new book, Dead Man Wins Election, Teres Kirpikli, a female member of the Swedish conservative Christian Democrat Party, once campaigned on the platform that pornography should be broadcast on national television throughout Saturdays so as to encourage more people to have sex to help boost the country's population.

'I want erotica and porn on television every Saturday and all day,' she said.

'I think most people like porn, even though they don't want to admit it.'

She was quickly dropped by her party leadership.

Who would've ever thought; a politician wanting you to get more bang for your buck.

A CHANGE OF PLANS

2011-02-21T11:21:00.004+11:00

If anybody in the NSW Liberal Party is looking for campaign wit that is a real change from safe, low-risk slogans, Mick Cartonne has a few ideas.

Yesterday the Liberals gave us this at their election launch.

After four consecutive election losses, they opted for a low-risk piece of marketing magic to help get them across the line on March 26.

We now have a choice between accepting Kristina Keneally's apology or backing 'Real Change for NSW'.

If I was running the show (and there are probably many people who are glad I am not), I would have run with a number of better alternative one-liners.

Borrowing the philosophy of "truth in advertising" from my favourite Dudley Moore movie, Crazy People, would I feel raise interest levels in this campaign.

For some strange reason humour is more often then not avoided by conservative political parties. That seems to be the domain of the Labor Party and their creative supporters.

But if the NSW Liberal party is to be taken seriously, let's go for growth and adopt real change by moving forward with better alternative slogans like these:

1. The Liberals. Circumcising the incompetence

2. Real Political Climate Change is coming.

3. The NSW Economy. We're risking it all for you

4. Life's a risk. Trust us.

5. The right people to blame.

Which slogan would you adopt if you ran the Liberal Party? I'd love to hear from you.

DON'T FALL FOR DEBT

2011-02-19T11:53:00.006+11:00

Debt is not the only pathway to success for school leavers pondering the future. Avoiding it is the key, writes self-taught media hunk, Mick Cartonne.

Just as quickly as you ran out of the school gates for the last time, you want to get back into the routine of structured learning. But this time Mum and Dad aren’t paying your next set of tertiary-school fees. You are.

Welcome to the adult world.

University. It’s a place where if you don’t feel like turning up to class on a Monday morning, nobody gives a shit. On the flip side if one day of recreational leave turns into a six month bad habit and you start falling behind in exams, assignments and study tutorials, you’ll still get an education.

It’s called learning the hard way about the pitfalls of poor self-management.

According to a 2009 report from the Australian Council for Educational Research, teaching staff expect one in ten students want to drop out.

Which leads me to ask how many teachers also want to drop out and spend more time with their peers at a nude beach? Sorry, no figures available for that yet.

If you do happen to become a graduate from the school of hard knocks by taking out honours in dropping out, the ghost of HECS will haunt you.

And if you don’t drop out of school and manage to complete your Law degree after starting out with an Arts degree and then a year of Business Studies, you'll definately be spending the rest of your life trying to win powerball lotto to pay back Julia Rulia if you don’t land a prestigious high-paying job.

The yellow brick road has two routes and both seem to offer dead ends.

If you don’t go to uni, you don’t get a look in at the best paying jobs. And if you do take up an offer to study for a degree in law, commerce, medicine or communications, you definitely end up in debt.

Getting a good job (and keeping it) to pay off that debt, buy a trophy home and become a leader in your field is not guaranteed.

So perhaps it’s time to take another approach.

Forget climbing the educational ladder of opportunity if you want to become an overnight success story that people are talking about.

Throw away those text-books you took out a loan to pay for and go out and conquer life's opportunities without your liabilities overtaking your assets (if you have any after you turn 18).

The only thing you need to know is rule number 1 in Ben Stein's hit title, 'How to ruin your life'.

'Don't learn any useful skills.'

Why not?

Stein points this out very clearly when he sardonically writes:

'What kind of education did Rhett Butler have, after all? What kind did Elvis Presley have? I didn't see Madonna in grad school or P.Diddy (or whatever name he's going by these days) either.

Yet look at how far they went. You'll do at least as well with good luck and fortune that just happen to drop into your lap."

With that philosophy in mind, it may be time to call upon a contemporary approach to getting ahead in this world faster than you imagined.

The cast of Jackass in action.

Call up any of your friends who own a video camera, run down to the end of your street, find a couple of abandoned shopping trolleys, use an ice cream container as a helmet and then drag race down an extremely high slope, over the edge of a ramp you designed in woodwork class and right into a brick wall.

Design, perform and film another 20 similar stunts and then send your cinematic masterpiece to Hollywood. Like the cast of Jackass, you too will be able to gross over $64 million dollars in North America from 1 film alone.

By discovering your inner stupidity, globalizing and selling it on-screen to dysfunctional families and teenagers, then, and only then, may an education in this country be free.

TAKE THE TIP

2011-02-14T14:12:00.007+11:00

If you're in the mood for love except on Valentine's Day, here are some useful tips, writes Mick Cartonne.

THE THREE VALENTINE'S DAY COMMANDMENTS

By Mick Cartonne

1. Participation is compulsory for all those in a relationship.

The global financial crisis and rising interest rates will not be stamped as valid excuses for non-attendance. Getting out of this event is harder than missing an appointment with your social security representative. Don't bite the hand that strokes you.

2. All gifts must be attached with a card

Wishing your girlriend a happy valentine's day is not enough. This is a really special day when you have to go the extra mile to give her evidence of your love. Without your prose and signature, she cannot play show and tell with her friends and family. Saving the environment and sending her an e-card will result in interrogation and possible water boarding when she throws a cup of hot Nescafe into your lap, ensuring your stick shift is out of action for the next week, further frustrating her.

3. Read the DVD manual

Your favourite TV show is on but you don't want to watch it because your in love, right?

Remember the movie, Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps waking up on the same day over and over and over again and it never ends? Valentines Day is every male's chance to live out that scene. Awesome (not!)

Don't think you can just hand over a few flowers, share a quick peck and then get on with living. No, your whole world is put on pause to celebrate the fact that you found someone to have sex with every Saturday night.

This is not like work, though it feels like it. You cannot chuck a sickie to get out of Valentine's Day and sadly, there is no fast forward button either.

You'll be celebrating when you wake up in the morning, then you'll get that special email in your inbox at work and finally you'll finish off this most joyous test of endurance with a CED - Compulsory Expensive Dinner, meaning if there is something good on TV tonight, you'd better learn how to time the DVD-Recorder.

I LUV Valentines Day. Do you?

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

2011-01-21T08:21:00.010+11:00

When high-profile people are in the news, Australians turn to one man to cut through the spin and make no sense whatsoever.

Filing some of the greatest interviews never to have taken place, Mick Cartonne makes his IMAGINARY INTERVIEW debut by fictionally speaking with outgoing NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally.

Mick Cartonne: Outgoing premier, Kerri-Anne Keneally, thanks for your time.

Kristine Keneally: This is Kristine Keneally, the incumbent Premier of NSW. It's nice to be here.

MC: My apologies, Premier. Due to budget cutbacks, we lost a dozen researchers last week.

KK: I'm sorry to hear that. Can I just say..

MC: Premier, I'm going to have to interrupt you there for a moment. In news which is just breaking, our management have just sacked all the copy editors due to the next global financial crisis. I'm chatting with future Opposition Leader, Christina Keneally.

With less than 3 months to go until NSW voters head to the polls, how are you and your colleagues feeling?

KK: We know we've got a tough fight on our hands but I would say, Micheal, that right now the atmosphere is quite electric.

MC: I'm Mick. Mick Cartonne.

KK Don't you write a funny weekend column for a newspaper?

MC: I get that all the time. But no, I'm not a left-handed writer. There are plenty of subtle differences between myself and the veteran columnist your confusing me with.

KK: Such as?

MC: Well, he's got less hair and scoots around Sydney in a restored Jaguar.

KK: And what do you drive to work, Mick?

MC: Me? Oh, I opt for a Mercedes.

KK: What model?

MC: I usually catch the 190 bus to Palm Peach.

KK: I'm sure the people of NSW will take comfort in knowing that public transport serves a journalist of your standing very well.

MC: Premier, before I move on, I've been advised by some of our listeners to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

KK: (Laughs hysterically): Oh Mick, you're killing me with the oxymorons. That's why I listen to this segment every week when parliament isn't sitting.

MC: Well, that's very nice of you to say, Premier, but this is my very first interview.

KK: I'm sure the people of Newwwwwww Southhhhhhhhhhhh Walesssssss look forward to improving their education care of your weekly wit.

MC: In the past you've admitted you don't like Opposition Leader, Barry O'Farrell and yet according to a December survey taken by Newspoll, 40 per cent of people prefer him over you as Premier. How could so many people be wrong?

KK: I am alarmed by the high levels of poor literacy in this state and that survey you just mentioned simply reinforces the need to address this issue.

MC: With all due respect, how do poor literacy levels amongst the electorate contribute to your governments lack of popularity?

KK: Poor literacy, Mick, prevents the people from being able to read and examine what is on Barry O'Farrell's menu. If they could chew the fat on some of Barry's ideas, I think we'd be in a different state.

MC: And just what is on Barry's menu?

KK: Quite a lot I would imagine.

MC: Can you give an example of a negative policy being spruiked by the NSW Opposition Leader?

KK: Not at the moment, no.

MC: Why not?

KK: He hasn't released them yet.

MC: The policies?

KK: The negative one's.

MC: How would NSW be worse off if the Liberals regained power in three months time?

KK: My government is very concerned that higher unemployment would immediately follow a change in government.

MC: And where would this new source of unemployment come from?

KK: History indicates to us that positions in the public service would be the most vulnerable.

MC: How many public servants do you expect will lose their jobs under the Liberals?

KK: Specifically speaking?

MC: Yes

KK: One

MC: Which position?

KK: Speculatively speaking?

MC: That'd help.

KK: My job.

MC: Thanks for your time, Christine

KK: Its always a pleasure chatting with you, Mikel.

All commentary in the above interview is satirically fictitious and not based on real life conversations. We thank you for not taking it seriously, especially the Lawyers. (c) 2010 Melrose Politics.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

2011-01-18T08:22:00.000+11:00

Immature Ladies and Gentleman, let's start the week off with a smile.

Credit: WilsonInfo.com

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn. In large loopy letters it spelt out 'the president sucks'.

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to work out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him there was some bad news and some worse news.

'Give me the bad news first,' said the President.

'The bad news is that the urine is the Vice President's.'

'How could he do this to me? What could be worse than that?'

'The handwriting is the first lady's.'

HOWZAT FOR A POEM

2011-01-13T09:53:00.010+11:00

Australia's search for sporting salvation continues after England pinched a one wicket win on the last ball in last night's Twenty 20 International at Adelaide Oval. The answer to ending the Aussies woes and restoring national pride could be in this poem, writes Mick Cartonne.

REINSTATE THE GLORY

It's time to cut the costs
And end this nation's rot
We cannot spin a win
In the game that made us kings
Our form has turned to ashes
We're addicted to taking thrashes
Let's take a breath and all yell out,
IT'S TIME TO MERGE WITH ENGLAND.

It's simple really. No opposition for the Poms equals no losers. We all win.

Got a better poem to describe Australia's tendency to lose every sporting fixture that matters? I'd love to hear from you.

Editor's Note: For those who wish to donate to the flood relief appeal, you can do so by clicking on this link to the Queensland Governments website. I urge you all to give as much as you can. Thanks.

A DEMOCRATIC KNEE SLAPPER

2011-01-12T09:59:00.012+11:00

Laughter has the power to get you through anything. That includes a decaying State Labor Government, writes Mick Cartonne.

Groucho Marx once wrote, "A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast."

I found one in today's Daily Telegraph in the letters section.

Michelle of NSW writes:

"I will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. Why? Because I believe she should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. People are too quick to cut her down. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you."

Let's address each part of the letter.

1.Michelle will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. I'm not sure blindfolds are allowed into the polling booth at your local high school, Michelle, so you might want to give the NSW Electoral Commission a call and make an inquiry.

2.I believe she (Kristina Keneally) should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. A chance to do what? Gain more acting experience in question time so she can successfully audition for an episode of the Bold and the Beautiful? And I hate to remind you Michelle, but one person doesn't make up the government.

3.People are too quick to cut her down. People aren't cutting her down, they're taking a chainsaw to the State Labor party, who god forbid, have been in power since I was a 15-year-old school boy. That's sixteen years.

4. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Independent thinking in the Labor Party means you don't last four years, Michelle. Ask Morris Iemma or Nathan Rees how far that got them.

5. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you. I think you may be confusing sympathy for support Michelle. Write back to me with a post-office box number and I'll forward you a copy of a political reference guide.

It's a pity Michelle didn't disclose her suburb because somebody needs to visit her local area and test the water she's drinking.

Agree with my response? Find me too intolerant to tolerate? Let's debate it.

TIS THE SEASON TO BE CARELESS

2010-12-23T11:39:00.002+11:00

If your preparing for the annual pilgrimage that is the office Christmas party, keep an open mind when it comes to the spirit of taking. A new survey suggests you'll definitely be in for a special surprise, writes MICK CARTONNE.

According to new numbers published by consumer website, The Consumerist, 30% of employed adults single out co-workers or bosses as the worst gift-givers.

Family members then took the rest of the blame with Parents and In-Laws at the top of the tree while Grandparents were at the bottom on 3 per cent. Meanwhile 5 per cent of the worst gifts came from friends.

Then again they don't call it the silly season for nothing.

There is no word yet on who the unemployed rate as the worst gift-givers but I imagine Social Insecurity or the Federal Government would come into the picture.

Nor was there any referral to what enemies think of each other's 'presents'. You could probably have a lot of fun in the spirit of giving someone the shits.

Classic Example:

Government Advisor: Premier Kennelly, Barry O' Fahrenheit is on the line.
The Premier: Put him through. Thank You. Barry, how are you? Merry Christmas to you and your party. Are you dressing up as Santa this year?
Barry O' Fahrenheit: I am but I've just had a look at the list of whose been naughty and it looks like I can't give most members of State Labor a present this year.
The Premier: That's too bad. Are you going on any study tours during the parliamentary break?
Barry O'Fahrenheit: I was thinking of visiting your office to measure the curtains.
The Premier: Good. When you pop by, we can have a drink before all this silly election business begins. I'd like to give you a gift in a gesture of bi-partisan goodwill.
Barry O'Fahrenheit: Christine, that's very generous of you to forward me a copy of your concession speech. I'm glad you took the Prime Minister's advice and decided to start moving forward.
The Premier: No worries, BARRRRRRRRRRYYYY!!!Oh and thank you for sending me a copy of your latest policy document, 'Life after Labor. Re-building NSW'. I do enjoy reading a good Horror Fantasy.

Still have any faith left in your career peers to offer you a tangible demonstration of respect for you? If so, let these primary tales of pathetic eleventh hour planning demolish any particle of hope you may still be clinging onto.

'I got a card once with a note saying $20 was donated to UNICEF in my name. I thought that was a shitty gift. I would have donated to an animal shelter anyway' - Dwaine Scum

'I was just talking to my father about the worst gifts we've seen at work gift exchanges. Last week at the gift exchange his co-worker opened and envelope with a Starbucks gift card (they were supposed to bring 1 gift up to $10). There was no price on it so she asked out loud how much was on it and received the reply "About $10." Everyone looked puzzled until the gifter explained that his wife received it with $25 on it and had used it a few times and he had "gifted" what was left over.' - Dganderson

"Our despised boss was sad to announce to us that he would have to miss our holiday party because of a family obligation. During the party, we had a white elephant gift exchange and almost every present had something to do with the boss and how much we hated him. There was his face on a dart board, a "I hate my boss" coffee mug, etc. Halfway through the game, our boss walked in. His travel plans had changed." - Anoynymous

"The worst holiday party I ever attended was actually quite nice until upper management handed out little ornaments containing cash. The company in question did not give out any Christmas bonuses. One employee who had been with the company five years (making her one of the senior employees, given the company's high turnover) was so happy about seeing the hundred-dollar bills that she yelled out the cash amount, which inspired other employees to open their ornaments. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the employees found a $5 bill tucked inside their ornaments. Fueled by cocktails and wine, the mood immediately changed from festive to hostile. The general opinion was that a $5 Christmas bonus was more insulting than no bonus at all" - Patty

THE SPIRIT OF NOT GIVING

2010-12-22T10:30:00.001+11:00

With less than a week to go until the fat red man with a big sack breaks into houses all over the world and steals our cookies and milk, now is probably the appropriate time to publish what you should NOT put under the Christmas Tree.

You won't find any television commercials, roadside billboards or internet banners from retailers broadcasting any assistance on this matter because to them a sale is a sale.

In the eyes of the retail gods, all inventory turnover is good, there are no DUD products or services worthy of having a Christmas embargo placed on them.

When the check-out chick asks you, 'How are you?' and you tell them, 'I'm great, I just bought my mother-in-law a Weight Watchers gift card to the value of $10' don't expect a stranger in retail to advise you that symptoms of your purchase could include a civil war similar to that which we all witnessed in the very funny US flick Meet The Family starring Robert De Niro.

Last year I gave my girlfriend a copy of 'PMS: problems men started'. It turns out that buying this book was actually a bigger problem than any of those mentioned in it.

Sitting on my shelf for all of 2010, my copy of PMS is still in mint condition, so if anybody out there would like to buy their soon to be ex-girlfriends or wives a lovely gift, email me with your details.

Was I drunk on my special homemade eggnog (now with 99 per cent more alcohol) when I grabbed this title off the shelf in the humor section at Dymocks? No. I was soberly stupid.

I bought that item and a "Jesus is coming, look busy' t-shirt on the proviso that everyone laughs at Christmas time with exception of the slightly over-worked cook. I was wrong.

So just as Father Christmas has a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice, I have developed the annual stock take of NO-GO GIFTS to prevent another outbreak of jaw dropping silence under the mistletoe.

Here are my top 10 imperfect presents.

1.Political Biographies

PJ O 'Rourke recently released a book under the not-so-subtle title, 'Don't vote! It just encourages the bastards." My sentiments exactly on books written by high profile political decision makers and their friends. Nobody ever died of boredom from reading about the lives of the useless, but why take the risk.

2.Select Cinema Tickets

What could be more fun then watching an action adventure film at your local cinema? Answer; watching friends of yours getting into punch-ups with other people sitting in THEIR allocated seats. If your new year's resolution is to avoid falling out with your friends, you may need to think twice about buying gift cards from cinema chains that believe in robbing you of your bottom's independence as well as your money at the candy bar.

3.G-rated Crackers

Want to be remembered for hosting the lamest Christmas Party featuring the worst jokes of all time? Buy do-gooder Christmas Crackers and people will only hang around until you start handing out the presents. Then they'll be gone in a flash, never to return the following year. Be different and buy some adults-only crackers. Sure, some people will get offended but at least those blood relatives with a sense of humour and an open mind will come back next December, ensuring future festive seasons are FUN, not politically correct.

4.Lotto tickets

Be generous, yes, but don't go overboard. If you buy someone a $20 million lotto ticket and it comes off, there is no onus on the bearer of new fortune to share their wealth with you out of gratitude let alone buy you the next round of drinks on a Friday night. If you can't bring yourself to write the words "good luck" in the attached Christmas card, don't buy this as a present. Save yourself the grief and head to the two-dollar shop.

5.Ideas for the government

To copy some old copy used by the US military in an Australian context, Aunty Julia needs YOU! But do we really need to send her a packet of ideas on how to improve the country? I mean when was the last time a good idea was adopted by a government without a double edged catch-22 attached on the end of it? You can't remember? Good, me neither. Scratch this one off the list.

6.Membership to Dating Websites

You maybe sick and tired of hearing the same excuses offered by your single relatives and friends at every Christmas Family re-union. 'A good man is so hard to find', 'I guess the world needs lonely people' and my personal favourite, 'What's wrong with telling people about my fetish for hash biscuits on first dates?'. It becomes so tiresome, you may be tempted to buy them gold class membership to one of thousands of new dating websites that are popping up every year. What if he or she ends up dating or worse, marrying the president of the local branch of the all you can eat, drink, fart, belch and curse club? You'll inevitably have to have a one-on-one conversation with this person in some remote part of the Christmas Party headquarters. Plus the Seinfeld technique of patting your head to be rescued from the conversation may not work if the lighting in the room is a little dim. Prevention is better than a cure.

7.Funny Clothes

In an article I read on 'When To Buy Funny T-Shirts?', the author, Adam Leaf urges us to balance a sense of humor and respecting others over religion, race or any other sensitive subject.' That's the problem. The best t-shirts that cause rib rattling amounts of laughter usually feature sensitive topics. If your one of these shoppers who won't settle for anything BUT the best items on the market and you don't want to be confronted
by members of your local church counseling you about doing the work of the devil by promoting smut, maybe you should look, laugh and walk on by the world's best slogans the next time you visit your local, liberal minded markets.

8.Football Merchandise

Just because you heard from a friend of the family in the super-long shopping queue that your nephew loves soccer doesn't mean he loves every TEAM that plays the round game. If you've never seen a soccer riot, you may very well experience this at the Christmas Day Dinner Table when little Johnny , who loves AC-Milan, is given a 'Best of DVD' featuring arch-rivals, Inter-Milan, all because you thought 'it sounds the same'. Avoid insulting chants and flares being thrown at you by sticking clear of football gear.

9.Toiletry Supplies.

It might seem funny at the time when you see the smile on your obnoxious uncle's face take a swan-dive when he unwraps a six-pack of toilet paper with his face printed on it.

But if he's got a history of vendetta's and a long memory, you may very well kick-start a juvenile Cold War and if you lose, you may end up the family laughing stock. Is this worth it?.

Plus do you really want people to think you shouldn't go shopping for others without taking a good dose of brain viagra? Didn't think so.

10. Sex shop gift certificates

Even though no one will be able to guess this little rippa of a 'surprise', it could still backfire with consequences leaving you more red-faced than Santa. For instance, what if the recipient asks you to recommended any products or worse, invites you along to the new year sales so he or she can try on some new leather and get your personal opinion. Bang. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?

If you do receive any of the above items from Santa's helpers this year, take a deep breath and remember; It's the lack of thought that counts.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)

LETTER OF THE WEEK

2010-12-15T00:01:00.026+11:00

The Hon. MICK CARTONNE MP

(Member of the Public)

Tourism Australia

Media Centre

International Media Requests

GPO Box 2721,

Sydney NSW 1006

DEAR TOURISM AUSTRALIA

There is a belief I've held since I was a mischievous nine-year-old undertaking study tours of local hospitals after running into tennis posts. It is this; true friends tell you what you need to hear, NOT, what you want to know.

Oprah Winfrey was a good catch. But I'm afraid there is a bigger fish waiting to be hooked, leading me to ask of you this important favor.

JERRY SPRINGER/Wikipedia

Will you endeavor to lobby all forms of power, influence and social standing to follow up on this exciting event by bringing the biggest freak show to town, Jerry Springer?

According to columnist, Andrew Daddo, 'When Oprah laughs, the couch-bound laugh with her.' In the interest of fairness, I'd add that when Jerry Springer chimes in with a one-liner concerning one of his guests' fetishes, the couch also rolls onto the floor, impersonating a hysterical bowel movement.

To differentiate a Springer special (sounds like the potential name of a promotional burger, eh?) from a royal Oprah visit, Jerry could invite 300 of his past guests down under for free.

Perhaps some of the larger-then-life characters could apply for a work visa and run for parliament in the forthcoming state election. Vote 1 for more drama. I hear the Labor Party have a few vacancies these days.

NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has revealed in the Sun Herald that she doesn't like Barry O'Farrell and thinks he is juvenile after the Opposition Leader presented the US born leader with a copy of The Little Aussie Fact Book, which reportedly suggests she still has much to learn about her adopted country. Worse maybe to come. She might find JobsGuide 2011 under the parliamentary Christmas tree.

Clearly the lower house in Macquarie St has not enabled KK to get everything off her chest about Barry nearly four months out from the election. If there's one forum that brings people together to settle the score, it's the Jerry Springer Show.

The State Government and the City of Sydney Council could co-ordinate an event uniquely christened A Breakfast Broadcast on the Bridge with Springer hosting a live Australia Day Food Fight between the outgoing Premier and the incoming one.

Imagine setting up a citizens assembly on the bridge with Labor MP's on one side and NSW voters on the other, led by Braveheart O'Farrell.
Instead of using the usher of the black rod to discipline the unruly, Ronald McDonald could run in to the tune of Prince's 1991 song 'Cream' and feed the incorrigible with a vanilla pie to the face.

Some will argue there may not be enough Labor MP's left to have a food fight with. Good point. Others feel good food should not be wasted on one of the worst governments in our state's history. Even better point. But it's all in the name of a good cause; convincing hyperactive women to travel into the city, spend double the price on a sausage roll as well as a handbag so as to help fix the economy.

The bridge could be closed on a Monday morning to help generate millions of dollars worth of free advertising on traffic reports covering the backlog of motorists using back streets. Alternatively a widescreen could be placed on top of the Bridge so that corporate logos plastered all over the bodies of big beautiful strippers can be viewed with the naked eye by all Sydneysiders.

Such scenes featuring famous Australian icons and landmarks being beamed into American living rooms on the nightly news could lead to an influx of impulsive travel bookings online while increasing sales of barf bags at Duty Free stores nationwide. Economic growth is a shoe in.

Good ideas are often spontaneous but sometimes the timing isn't practical. I am aware January may be a little too optimistic. But with a state election looming, March could also be a good time for some Jerry Springer specials on a range of subjects including:

A. Secret confessions; people who still believe in State Labor.
B. Porn stars addicted to politicians
C. Public Servants obsessed with quitting.

Aussie fans of the show could vote for 50 of the guests to be included on the freaky-free-for-all tour.

Tour guide competitions could be held where lucky winners (Australian residents only) get to lead a group of 'Springer Zingers' on an all expenses paid national tour to some of the most famous attractions including:

Obelisk Beach - described on Wikipedia as little known to tourists, this 100 metre nude beach will really open up the Zingers eyes. Despite being characterised as 'quiet and tranquil', it's more than likely the visitors will find plenty to take in. WARNING! Good views not guaranteed.

Strip Bars - to prevent any bout of homesickness breaking out, many guests will be able to feel right at home in some of the local entertainment establishments. And those who are very impressed by our country may also want to consider dropping their CV's into some of the talent scouts that work in our press the flesh industry, should they opt for a working holiday in the future. We want the world's most skilled individuals to undress all opportunities down under.

All You Can Eat Restaurants - a whole lot of energy is needed for endurance on the Jerry Springer show.

The opportunities for the business community would be endless. They can jump on board with hoards of cash by offering to sponsor 'a freak for a week'.

All guests would be attired in items featuring logo placements on clothes, socks, shorts, shirts, g-strings and man-boobs. No scrap that. On all types of boobs. This is the land of equal opportunity after all.

The potential for an economic windfall from cheap, sordid, entertainment is in your hands.

Highest regards from the lowest common denominator.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)

A CHRISTMAS CRACKER

2010-12-11T09:03:00.003+11:00

An ill-informed man turns up to a formal Christmas party wearing shorts and a blue Canterbury top.

Matradee: Sir, I cannot let you in.This is a formal affair.
Knockabout Bloke: Well I'll have you know that in my country this is very formal.
Matradee: And which country do you come from, sir?
Knockabout Bloke: The western suburbs.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

2010-12-03T08:43:00.004+11:00

I had a bad dream last night.

Heading down the Hume Highway, I drove to Parliament House in Canberra to toss Cow Patty's at Federal MP's who voted to lift the retirement age to 100.

Credit: Noodle snacks (http://www.noodlesnacks.com/)

One of the patty's ricocheted off the Shane Paxton Memorial Statue and hit me in the head, knocking me out cold. Unconscious, I died and went to heaven.

After entering the light, I walked towards the pearly gates, hoping to be greeted by God.

Unfortunately the gates were locked and a sign was placed out the front. It read:

"God has taken sick leave to watch the Ashes. We apologise for any inconvenience caused " - Heaven (now under new management. )

THE CARTONNE DIARIES

2010-12-01T09:38:00.006+11:00

November 30

Bad news is good news for someone (usually a TV Network in need of a ratings erection).

I am 90 pages into Suddenly Last Winter – an election diary, written by that champion of Labor causes, Bob Ellis and yet some bastard has requested the library to recall it back early (probably so the client can give it to an annoying relative as a Christmas gift, so they can spend the money saved on importing a second hand vuvuzela for the start of the National Rugby League season in 2011).

I'm still not really sure why I am reading Bob’s work.

He raises my blood pressure with some of his humanitarian addictions. When I sip a cup of Irish tea in the sunroom, it becomes quite clear. Compensation for my irritation with Bob's worldly view comes in the form of his greatest gift; the constant ability to make me piss myself laughing at the expense of himself and his subjects.

His greatest creative donation would be the poems he writes at night. They are the sort that should be recited at private school speech nights to keep parents awake before the Chancellor of Bad News announces another rise in fees. See example below.

Beweep the fate of K......... R.........

His end is tears, his name is mud,

Defamed by all as a useless cunt

Knifed by comrades, back and front.

Judged by all a waste of space

Who's done his dash, who's run his race

Who did not, would not, once consult

Anyone not in his cult

Hubris, Primates, brought him low

More than any creeping foe,

Belief the sun rose from his arse

And no-one else was in his class

Hubris is a dreadful thing:

It fells the mightiest, oh king

It makes a joke of all-one planned

When one was ruler of the land.

Heed well the end of K.......... R..........

The whole world picked him as a dud,

But he breezed onward, preened and sneered

Striking all as fucking weird

He flogged his minions, praised his God

Called inquiries, pulled his wad,

Thought himself Christ's gift to men

Smiled and pulled his wad again

He did not see the penny drop,

Nor bear the dark steed come, clip-clop

But tottered, sleepless, round his dream

A cat engorged with too much cream

Who now in blank oblivion lies

An empty grave neath blazing skies,

A Quiz kid all said could not fail

Unwept, unsung, undone. Wassail.

Every friday night on Sydney talk station, 2SM, Graeme Gilbert hosts poetry night where callers subject listeners to their own original verses.

Sadly, we'll never hear this classic reach the airwaves because of that electronic pain-in-the-arse widely known in broadcasting circles as a seven-second delay system. If there is one thing I have figured out in life, it's this. The most effective wit is found in books where censorship is self-determined, unlike talkback radio or newspapers where "family values" and fuddy, duddy, political correctness act as a form of middle class contraception for the fragile egos of those scared of passionate, liberal use of the English language before 9pm..

I was thinking of emailing Bob to compliment him on his latest work. But sadly his website has yet to configure an email address into its contacts page. I also wanted to find out if he ever got around to christening that piece of prose.

Why, God, are the best writers on the opposing ideological and/or political team?

I suppose that’s like trying to figure out why the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs have won more premierships than Parramatta. It’s a universal enigma albeit a very disturbing one which has plenty of theories but alas, no single answer.

DECEMBER

It's official. Only four months to go until the NSW Labor Party are expelled from Political Play School. I'm still wondering if I should have an election night party, considering the concession speech will probably need to be made after the exit polling comes through.

SICK OF ABSENCE

2010-11-24T09:19:00.019+11:00

We've all done it because we know others are doing it too. It would seem the great Australian dream is to take a sickie, writes Mick Cartonne.


Image credit: Employment Law Handbook.com.au

A survey conducted by recruitment services company, Hallis, found that a whopping 42 per cent of the Australian workforce admits to taking unscheduled days off for reasons other than being sick.

Employers are said to be, well, sick of this.

For those thinking about having a three-day weekend this week, watch out; practical handbooks advising bosses about employment law are not getting dust on them.

There are four theoretical ways to stop people from pulling a fast one. I'll give you an example of how I'd convert those policies from theory into practice

1. Identify the causes for an employee’s absenteeism.

If you can find out why an employee is consistently absent, you can deal more effectively with the problem. That's fair. For instance, if your least productive worker is often absent because the media got him excited about the current Ashes series, you could offer to buy them an online subscription to the bat and ball game and let them watch some of the game live on a PC. Everybody wins.

2. Implement a thorough record system.

Record the date, duration and reason for the absenteeism. If the second in charge team leader keeps getting drunk on Friday and is unable to find his house come Monday morning, go drinking with them so you can help them to find a post-hangover clean pair of underpants and so they won't turn up to work with bad BO. Good hygiene equals a happy workforce.

3. Meticulously follow up on each case of absenteeism.

Ring up Human Resources and find out the address of your bedridden colleague, then send around the workplace nurse to make sure Mr or Mrs Sick are NOT doing anything....to re-aggravate their problem. Record the reaction offered by your employee to all medical assistance offered. Maybe even include the footage on a bloopers tape at the end-of-year office Christmas Party.

4. Properly inform and regularly update your employees about your standards and policies regarding absenteeism.

Send around a company email alerting people to any changes you've made to the absenteeism policy e.g anyone seen on TV at a live sporting event or spotted shopping in the background of story shown on the Six PM news will be offered counseling after they are terminated.

But hang on. What is the basis for believing your employee is having you on?

I'd like to think that a quick recovery from hurting your knee getting out of bed followed by a return to the office the very next day is a miracle or an act of faith healing. Besides, a happy, well rested employee is a productive one.

For those who do find themselves in an employer-employee show trial after damaging a disc in your back trying to change the wheel of the bus that broke down on your way to work, remember to always be equipped with quick wit when returning to the office. Here's an example.

Boss: I noticed you took a sick day yesterday
Employee; Yeah, but I'm getting a bit sick of talking about it.
Boss: Did you bring in a doctors certificate with you?
Employee: Nup
Boss: Why not?
Employee: My doctor was unwell.

If you are going to try and find a way to beat the system that pays you not to join the dole queue, listen to the advice of Addie Johnson, author of The Little Book of Big Excuses, who has some practical advice for us all (minus any bosses reading this);

"Don't call with every symptom known to man. Keep it simple sicky. If you're calling up with the flu, you don't need to tell your boss that you have nausea, vertigo and the shakes."

"Keep it simple, so you can get in and get out."

A NECESSARY SICKIE

2010-11-20T10:01:00.000+11:00

If you rang in sick 24-hours after Prince Willy and Katie Middletone announced they were engaged, don't feel bad. I too was tempted to rush to the liquor cabinet and empty it by the time we got to the weather report, writes Mick Cartonne.

Unless you've been on holidays in a resort run by the Exclusive Brethren, you will know by now that Prince William will not be appearing on Dating in the Dark on Fox 8 in the near future.

That's cause he's preparing to tie the knot with his sweetheart, Catherine.

Credit:Gridge (Wikipedia)

Meanwhile for the rest of us trying to divorce ourselves from the obsessive media coverage of this love story, escape is futile.

Just in case you're still not really interested in this story, British papers are providing their readers with royal engagement souvenir extra editions.

This is a practical thing, particularly with a new round of national government welfare cuts making toilet paper a luxury for families, the unemployed, the sick and the disabled.

You cannot clean up your dog's mess with an iPAD or eat fish and chips from it. But you can do this with the extra 9 pages the Royals are taking up in your weekend tabloid.

My irritation is not with Prince Willy or Katie Middletone. They are not responsible for the interest shown by the press.

Credit: Nick Warner (Wikipedia)

However a secret drive thru wedding in Las Vegas for only $199.00 (US) may very well have provided us with some form of intellectual vaccination from the the media torture. This was within their control.

I hope future royals will consider this before they send out an official press release. Boycott engagements, I say, and just get the blessed event over and done with. Maybe even do it via Skype to save on airfares for all those fat relatives who take up two seats in business class.

A news bulletin is meant to feature a series of individual stories NOT a series of stories devoted to one irrelevant subject. That's how you lose ratings.

But that theory went right out the window on Wednesday night because nobody had the foresight to give the story the REAL attention it deserved, that being two minutes of airtime and no more.

What happened to editorial judgement and all the other crap people are being taught in journalism school?

After the first five minutes, I became equally as enraged as a pedestrian running late for an appointment being held up by three fat people taking up the entire footpath in a one way street.
There was no way out.

Change over to Channel 9 from 7 and you saw the same footage of Catherine in her youth.

Switch to Ten, hoping for an episode of the Simpsons and the entire family including the dog, suffered a breakdown watching a documentary on....WILLY AND KATE.

My last bastion of defense from this irrelevant story, the ABC, soon let me down as they too behaved like giggling school girls attending a Justine Bieber concert.

We got served the same dribble on their 7pm bulletin and then they saturated us even more on the 7:30 report. It got to the point where I was starting to question God's whereabouts in all of this.

Perhaps he too went for an extended toilet break.

Just as Kerry Packer told programming at Channel 9 to "get this shit off the air" back in 1992 during the short-lived broadcast of Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, someone in government should have rang up the networks, tapped the producers on the shoulder and told them in strong words not suitable for publication; WE GET THE F%$#@&% point!.

They wouldn't have lost any votes finding the courage to speak up on behalf of Australian viewers.

One question though still bothers me about the so-called love story of the 21st century.

In the future, will the same level of coverage be provided should the couple break-up?

Will some blonde bimbo interview a fashion designer about what Kate or William should wear if they decide to break up with each other for a second time?

Are bookies going to give us odds on a divorce settlement figure?

I'm pretty sure that in 2045, Peter Luck will host an episode of Where Are They Now on Channel Seven during the non-ratings summer season.

He'll take a look back at the history of the new royal couple and then ask the audience to call in and tell him where they were when William and Kate got engaged.

I'll probably ring up and reply, 'I was busy trying to change the batteries of the tv remote so I could use the mute button on long play.'

Opinions expressed are those of the author ONLY and not any sources assisting in the presentation of the above article.

EASY LEARNING

2010-11-15T17:53:00.000+11:00

The Education Revolution took on a whole new meaning this week, writes Mick Cartonne.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the smartest student of them all? Answer: the one up the back of the classroom chatting to his international contacts on his Wireless Connected IPHONE.

This week the Australian media reported that Aussie high school and university students were outsourcing their homework to sweatshops in India, Pakistan and Egypt.

Those students get an A for innovation.

Would all the economics teachers please stop laughing in the hallways? Your distracting your students from negotiating an important trade agreement. Shhhhhhh!!!! Thank you.

The story leads us to believe that for as little as $2, you can have an English essay or Maths paper completed for you.

According to the Daily Telegraph, a 23-year-old Pakistani graduate admitted to producing essays and papers for high school and university students at a bargain-basement price of $2 per 100 words.

"It's my part-time job,", Mohammed Ali Khan from Islamabad told the tabloid paper.

"Australians mainly ask for university papers but I've done some high-school work, too."

Wow. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this little hair-brained scheme, except maybe say, parent-teacher night.

I can see how the scheme would come undone. Something along these lines.

Mr and Mrs Howard turn up to Higgins High School to find out how their son, John, is performing.

Teacher: Mr and Mrs Howard, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Little Johnny's assignments are illegible.
Mr Howard: But he's still passing them, isn't he?
Teacher: That has yet to be determined by most of his teachers.
Mrs Howard: Oooh, dear.This sounds serious.
Teacher: It is. I'm afraid not one teacher has been able to mark or critique any of John's work this semester, making it impossible to rank him with his intellectual peers.
Mr Howard: Well, what exactly is the problem?
Teacher: We can't read his writing.
Mr Howard: For god's sake, man, he's a year 7 high school student, not a bloody doctor. We fixed his running writing in Summer School.
Teacher: His writing his legible. But we would prefer it if he'd submit all future work in English.
Mr Howard: Stone the crows. What's he been writing in?
Teacher: In standard Hindi.
Mr Howard: IN WHAT?
Teacher: Your son is an outstanding Indian writer.
Mr Howard: Then he's obviously passing at least one of his subjects.
Teacher: We don't teach that language at Higgins High.

For the record, it was not THAT John Howard.

Matt Barrie, founder of www.freelancer.com, a website which puts small businesses in touch with affordable labour in emerging economies claims homework assignments were frequently submitted to his site.

"We get them all the time. As a lecturer myself, I really don't approve, but kids will be kids - they will always find a way to cheat."

Is this really cheating or the discovery of a positive use for globalization? You decide.

In a world where the authentically inauthentic appear to be sapping the top-dollars and getting the big breaks, its hard not to subscribe to a simple philosophy.

When it comes to getting ahead, It's not what you know but who you know that knows what you don't.

Outsourcing...is this the answer? Maybe. I just hope it's the right one come exam time.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

2010-11-11T14:53:00.000+11:00

I thought I'd share with you this cracker that I discovered in the imagination volt this morning. Enjoy.

Caller: Hello, I've just been robbed.
Police: Where are you, now?
Caller: I'm at home.
Police: Did you get a good look at the perpetrator?
Caller: Yeah. It was the bank.
Police: Which bank?

FUNDING GREED

2010-11-10T11:02:00.003+11:00

The war against excess economic fat just got uglier, with keywords such as fair and affordable overlooked by those in charge of our standard of living, writes Mick Cartonne.

Tonight's edition of statistical pain is proudly brought to you by the banks. Which bank? All the bloody banks.

There were plenty of losers left red-faced last week in the game of life played out on that expensive island called Australia.

Many backed the wrong horse, "We think we can pay" in the mortgage cup and made a bigger-than-expected loss when the interest rates rose on Tuesday afternoon.

After a slow start, "We've got you by the balls" ridden by Missing CEO and trained by Greedo Excelcius, found his way back to the middle of the pack and then on the final turn, punished the punters who believed the advice of the so-called experts and backed the favourite school of thought; that that odds of a rate-rise were very low due to lower-than-expected inflation figures released the previous week.

I am sorry to report but in the end the party was crashed when Australia's central bank opted for a 0.25 percentage-point increase in the official interest rate.

With Christmas just around the corner, Commonwealth CEO Ralph Norris, then decided to get in on the spirit of giving by surprising us not with lollies in the fireplace stocking but with a loan repayment invoice, 0.2 points above the official cash rate.

Regardless of who lived in the mortgaged manger be it Jesus, Mary,Joseph, you or I, the CBA was determined to set itself up for a $1 billion windfall care of extracting just little a bit more blood from those who can least afford it, so to make the balance sheet look a little bit better.

And we are just going to have to make a seasonal adjustment to our lifestyles to deal with it. How is this achieved? By decreasing our purchasing power.

That means many Aussies will either have to eliminate the smoothest brand of toilet paper from their supermarket shopping list or cut back on petrol by canceling their yearly trip to the nursing home to see Grandma win the annual Premier's spelling bee using profanity that should be reserved exclusively for State Parliament question time.

The message to the receivers (everyone with a loan) could not be any louder or clearer; we the banks are going to fiscally beat you up, but we're not going to kill you. That's our gift to you this Christmas. We'll keep you breathing, because we need you make another payment .

Lots of silly statements from people in positions of power and influence soon followed. The merry-go-round went like this.

Someday opposition leader,Julia Gillard got 'angry', Future treasurer, Joe Hockey, pulled ideas out of his hat and ANZ boss, Mike Smith became less popular by accusing Hockey of populism.

All good fun if the issue wasn't so serious for homeowners and businesses.

After a short but noticeable absence from the reaction his organizations decision to inflict more pain than necessary, King Ralph eventually came out of his international hiatus.

In a statement unlikely to make it into the next edition of Great Comments of the 21st Century, the highly paid chief ($16.2 million per annum) of the Commonwealth Bank told the Daily Telegraph it was better to see "a few" foreclosures than have an economy hamstrung by a low profit banking system.

Better for who, Ralph?

Shareholders with extra-large mansions, holiday homes, flash cars and enough credit to buy all their neighbours kids an X-box?

The situation was already absurd after Westpac CEO Gail Kelly called for 'calm' in the battle between Australia's major banks and the government over interest rates with the threat of regulation.

That's easy to say for someone with the second highest salary package in the local banking sector.

I'll do you a deal, Gail. I'll calm down if you donate all of your performance-bonus pay to a small group of less fortunate Australians.

Okay, so you may have to forgo building a third wine cellar. Would it really hurt to lend a hand to those who need it and drink to that instead?

Strike that original idea. Let's issue the greater social good challenge to all CEO's of all commercial banks.

Create a promotion, where on Christmas Eve, instead of getting fatter, you go on an economic diet to promote a healthier and happier society by paying off the mortgages of three struggling homeowners.

I know what the response from the banks will be to this idea; sorry, we're a business not a charity.

I forgot. Humanitarian causes don't affect the market value positively enough. What on earth was I thinking? I should stop drinking marxist cordial.

The last time I checked though, you didn't need to be a communist or a socialist to have a conscience.

Long before the 0.45 per cent rate rise arrived on the 2nd of November, other economic, political and social units operating the levers of revenue creation within the community, have been gorging on far too many party pooper pies.

They too, deserve their fare share of recognition this week.
We cannot just blame the banks for the promotion of insensitive forms of economic vandalism.

State public transport, the Federal Government and Business lobby groups are also in on the great Australian feeding frenzy.

A reader of mine informed me by email that he had a metaphorical gun held to his head last week.

Awarded some extra-hours in his workplace, Phil McCrotch, started work at 7:30am instead of 9:30am. As a direct result, he no longer forked out $5.40 for a return fare to the city, but rather had to dig deep and hand over $8.00 because he was traveling at peak hour and not in an off-peak period.

What added-value did State Rail provide Phil with to justify this extra investment?

An empty seat, a portable bed-pan for those long-trips that are made longer by bonus delays on the Harbour Bridge or even an upgrade to hygienic first-class?

Phil's ROI (return on investment) came in the form of a dividend known widely in economic circles as NOTHING.

This was the same amount offered to me recently by the editor of regional paper to write a column. I kindly refused.

Unfortunately, you don't get a choice when traveling to work.

Its quite simple really. You fork out the extra-dollars or you wait until the off-peak hours and arrive late to your place of employment (if you are lucky to have one). Some choice.

Peak-hour fares never hit peak popularity amongst Sydney commuters because they were never designed to be fair in the first place. A bit like the set-up of the free market where according to Margaret Thatcher 'society does not exist.'

Then we have the Federal Government using make believe emotional rhetoric, rehearsing and then delivering hollow dialect with violins playing in the background as they pretend to be on our side against the big bad banks, when in fact this is the same mob that uses a progressive taxation system to charge us income tax in as many ways as is plausible.

Under the income tax assessment act, interest earned on a term deposit is fully assessable for income tax in the tax year it is paid, despite the fact the most of the money ever entered into these type of accounts usually stems from wages that have already had tax deducted.

So anybody who benefits from the decision of both the RBA and the individual banks, they too are becoming progressively poorer.

Never mind the fact that all funds earned in those deposits could be used for practical measures such as individual donations to the political parties come election time or heaven forbid, paying for private health insurance to reduce numbers on the public hospital waiting list.

The Commonwealth Government is nothing short of two-faced, regardless of which party is in power. They give us a hug with one arm and elbow us in the ribs with the other.

Not that they couldn't do anything about this.

Just as we have a means test on couples earning up to $150,000 as it relates to the 30 per cent private health rebate (singles $75,000), what's to say we couldn't make the first $100,000 of a household's term deposit tax-free?

Nope, good ideas in this country are too expensive for the same bastards that the defunct Democrats forgot to keep honest.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S STILL MORE. As if you haven't had enough pain for one week.

The Australian Industry Group is applying to cancel Christmas and New Year's Day penalty rates, arguing companies shouldn't have to pay staff extra - despite the NSW government, declaring them public holidays.

Our brave friends in the employer group believe penalty rates should only be paid to staff working the substitute holidays - the following Monday and Tuesday - as Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year's Day fall on a weekend.

I can kind of understand why this is happening.

As Ross Gittins points out this week, small businesses often pay more on their indicator interest rate than home buyers. Some businesses need to save more money by spending less on employees to help manage their bank loans to keep the business afloat.

But with an incoming Liberal State Government due next March and one which will probably have an insane amount of power, there is a good chance the employers will get some form of win on the public holiday issue in the future.

In other words don't be surprised if Santa Clause goes into a NSW Public Hospital for lap band surgery in the New Year but instead undergoes a personality makeover that turns him into scrooge.

I'm not going to get into an economic argument with the Sydney Morning Herald's leading economic writer. I came last in economics in year 12 and he didn't.

Gittins is right when he says 'If I'm on the right track, the claim that there's no competition between the banks will be seen as false.'

I've milked plenty out of the banks by threatening to walk away though sometimes I did have to go through with this threat to get a better result.

But when he says people such as retirees, those who rent and/or those saving for a home deposit are benefiting from savings deposited with banks, that's where I will debate him.
The renters, in particular, will lose what they earn in their deposit accounts to the Taxman and then possibly have to spend most of what is left on paying the extra payments via rent rises on the landlords investment property.

The type of term deposit they have will determine if they can shed their money quickly or not. A Westpac Reward Saver account is easier to transfer funds from then a fixed term Deposit.

But still, they'll eventually end up raiding the accounts that work for them if the institutes helping them continue hurting their landlords mortage repayments.

All because the banks went beyond the call of duty and the Governments don't want to restructure the tax system in case they become as unpopular as a bout of herpes and need some money for a public awareness campaign.

Hello..............the community is already aware that governments don't promote the best ideas on offer. We don't need more money wasted on telling us what we already know care of the nightly news.

You are right, Ross. There's plenty of competition. But it's between the banks and the Australian government who are mainly involved in the business of self-wealth management.

The moral of the story is a simple one; the next time a credit card company tells you in a TV commercial 'don't leave home without it', take a deep breath and avoid panicking.

Chances are you won't have a home to leave it in for very much longer.

If you feel like a whale being attacked by Sharks on one side and Piranhas on the other, don't worry. You are not alone.

BEFORE I FORGET.....

On my tea break from the hassles of everyday living, I managed to switch on the greatest worst tournament of all in football, the Rugby League Four Nations. The world's weakest team, Papua New Guinea, battled bravely against the globe's most useless side, England. Steve McNamara's poms obviously need Julia Gillard to give them a good talking to about moving forward while PNG need to set up an attacking football academy because until they do all their energy, effort and execution put into turning up to play is a waste of time no matter who is coaching them. I think we can all agree that a Kangaroos win next Saturday will simply mean next year's tournament might need to be re-christened the ONE NATIONS.