Melted Reel Online

Fuck You, Orson Welles

Hey, cats, see if you can guess what! That's right, my birthday is this weekend. And if there's one thing I like to do on my birthday, it's drink Pabst Blue Ribbon until I can no longer stand or maintain bowel control. The Breakfast of ChampionsBut if there's another thing I like ...

An Oddly Apologetic Message From Eric

Far be it from me to ever feel bad about anything I say or do. As a general rule, I'm a bitter, thoughtless man with no regards for the emotions and sensitivities of any other living soul. And of all the people I don't care about, the sort of people ...

Friday of the Apes: The Good Seeds

Original Air Date: October 4, 1974 Written by: Robert W. Lenski Directed by: Don Weis As our episode opens, a band of gorilla soldiers are hot on the trail of Burke, Virdon and Galen. Night falls and our heroes enter a spooooooky forest. It's here that Virdon shows off how much smarter he ...

Wednesday Top Ten: Stephen King Flicks

Stephen King is my favorite author and I've no qualms about saying it. Sure, there are those who will say, "Oh, poo poo, such popular pulp, that nonsense shouldn't be your favorite." Fuck that noise. Stephen King tells a heck of a story. To be fair, I haven't loved all of ...

Ed McMahon Dies, All of Space-Time Mourns

Yes, it's true. Friggin' Ed McMahon died today, at the tender young age of 86, as part of the universe's ongoing plan to rob me of everything I love. It seems he just died from a combination of sick and old—his publicist cites a "multitude of health problems"—which I suppose ...

To Boldly Eat Where No Man Has Eaten Before

I went out of town this past weekend, spending time with my various family members. That's exactly the type of thing I usually try so hard to avoid. A big part of my philosophy of life is: Why spend time with my family when I can lie in my bed ...

Looks Like I Don’t Get to See Whatever Works

I've really been looking forward to seeing Whatever Works. It's Woody Allen's new movie (approximately his 5,000,000th film) and it comes out tomorrow. Let's make sure we're clear about this: I love Woody Allen. He's the only filmmaker I can think of who has never directed a movie that I don't ...

Transformers 2 Has at Least Two Robot Balls

Via Gawker, Empire Magazine's review of the new Transformers travesty contains a small nugget of truly cringe-worthy camp from the king of things that suck, Michael Bay: A notable moment occurs during the dementedly frenetic final act of Transformers 2. A robot-on-robot fracas is unfolding around Egypt's Giza Necropolis, with Devastator, ...

Wednesday Top Ten: Futurama Episodes

In honor of the momentous news that Futurama will again be gracing the airwaves with new episodes, it seems only fitting that this week's Wednesday Top Ten be about the best episodes from the series' original run. And while it's always a pleasure to talk about Futurama, this has been ...

Movie Review: The Proposal

[rating: 2] That's right, monkeys. I'm reviewing a movie well before it comes out. How is this possible? It's possible because I'm a hardened professional at this movie reviewing thing (I am a semi-professional at this movie reviewing thing), and I get paid for it and everything (I pay myself). So, I ...