The reality is that there are many different types of data, with various purposes for different business goals. Below, the most important types of data for your business will be explained.

Big Data

Big Data is a term heard often in the last couple of years. It is data characterized by its volume, variety and velocity. This means that it is so voluminous and complex that it cannot be analyzed with traditional business intelligence tools. In the last decade, companies were all about learning to deal with Big Data and using it to make better-informed business decisions.

Big Data comes from everywhere and it is nothing new. However, it stays new because the definition and structure of big data are constantly changing. This happens due to the rapid and constant growth of data. For example, Big Data used to be expressed in terabytes, while now it is expressed in exabytes.

Smart Data

In contrast to Big Data, Smart Data is actionable and does make sense, and has a clear purpose. It is not about the volume of the data you are collecting – it is about the actions you take in response to that data. It is a concept that developed along with the development of algorithm-based technologies such as artificial intelligence and machine learning.

Smart Data is usually generated close to the data source, using edge computing technologies. So instead of collecting all data from a source, we process the data in the source to end dumping in our data lake only the valuable data; the Smart Data.

Dark Data

Dark Data is the data that lies below the surface, hiding within the company’s internal networks and holding piles of relevant information that can be moved to the data lake and generate vital business and operational insights. This type of data forms the biggest part of all existing data. According to KPMG research, 80% of data is Dark Data. This means there are a lot of hidden opportunities lying in the hollows of Dark Data.

The many sources that were being ignored or hard to access, can now be treated as data gold mines. This is possible due to cutting-edge technology that can reach into the places that hold Dark Data.

Machine Data

Simply put, Machine Data is the data created by the systems, technologies and infrastructure powering modern businesses. It comes from places like control and operational systems, sensors and Internet of Things and your industrial network.

If made accessible and usable, Machine Data is argued to be able to help organizations troubleshoot problems, identify threats and use machine learning to help predict future issues.

Even if you are a machine manufacturer or you have assets and devices in your business hiding relevant operational information, being able to gather device data for observability and analysis of usage and performance is a must. With Machine Data, you can feed any compelling cloud analytics and advanced services systems.

Transaction Data

This is the most basic form of data and easiest to understand. This is data describing an event or business activity. It describes orders, invoices, production activities, hiring and firing employees, etc.

Master Data

Master Data is the key element for transactional data. Master Data describes places, parties, and things (products, items) involved in the activity.

Reference Data

Reference Data is a subset of Master Data. It is usually standardized data that is governed by certain codification. It is not so difficult to understand Reference Data. It is data that defines values to be used by other data fields. These values are often consistent and do not change much over time. Some examples of Reference Data are units of measurements, country codes and corporate codes.

Reporting Data

It is an aggregated data compiled for the purpose of analytics and reporting. This data consists of Transactional, Master and Reference Data.

Metadata

Metadata is the term used to refer to data that describes other data. In a more concrete explanation, Metadata is the data that describes the structure of and some meaning about other data. It explains definitions of data that you might not see at first sight, such as usage of data, creators of data, users of data, relations of data. You could see it as a little book that contains all you need to know about your data. Simply put, Metadata is data about data.

Conclusion

As you have understood by now, there are many different types of data. Each type of data has relations to another type, and each type has a different beneficial purpose. Understanding the benefit and purpose of each type will help your business with data collection, analytics, and business decisions.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

The 87-year-old said; “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It will keep your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…don’t you think by the time you get to the 5th it’ll be hard?”

He replied, “Holy shit … does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread except ME?!”

You can’t deny the faith of these people that we fight: it’s absolute.

They believe that if they kill themselves, they’ll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins.

Imagine that kind of faith – to think that that would happen when I haven’t met one on earth!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom!

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet 8 inches!”

Teacher: “Class, we’ll have only half a day of school today morning.”
Students: “Yaaya!”

Teacher: “We’ll have the other half this afternoon!”

“What do you call a band of leaping insects playing old-time music?

‘Blue-grass Hoppers’.”

A junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble.

Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. “I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting on the wastepaper basket!”

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So, he pulls on the ripcord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So, he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden, he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.

As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and heads towards him. He’s scared to death and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Confused and knowing he can’t lie, the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

Wanting to please others, avoid failure and evade hard decisions are three weaknesses associated with leaders who display cowardly behaviour. Though many organizations often excuse these development gaps as harmless habits, in reality, they can rub off and have a detrimental impact on those being led. But there are a few things you can do to avoid the fallout from working for a cowardly boss. First, do not gossip behind your boss’s back – it will only make you look bad. Instead, study his behaviour. What makes your boss fearful? If you were in his shoes, what would you do differently? Next, do not be afraid to talk openly about difficult decisions you are facing. Making your hard choices visible to your colleagues is a good way to set the example and by exercising courage, you can protect and grow it. Finally, as difficult as it might seem, ask your boss for the things you want and need. Being direct in this situation may be the best way to get them.

SIGNS OF A BUSINESS COWARD.

You solve everyone’s problems.

There is really not much to explain about this one. You may believe that constantly solving other people problems will cost you your most valuable asset – Your Time!  Manage your anxiety and have a little faith in others. Your co-workers and staff will improve significantly and you will be much happier.

You are never ‘quite ready’.

Your leadership style tends to involve spending too much time getting ready to get ready. Your toolkit is full of workshops, committees, meetings and protocol. You do not want to make mistakes. You avoid the moment of truth by categorically getting ready. Should you prepare? Sure! Do your research? Certainly. But stop hiding behind the “we are not quite ready” excuse. Be decisive and just do it – even if conditions are not perfect.

You are a micro manager.

You think accountability means constantly hovering over your co-workers or employees to ensure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, in the way you think they should be doing it. This is not Leadership. I believe that it is really simple. Do your job and let others do theirs, or get rid of incompetent employees and replace them with people who can get the job done.

You are an easy way-out kind of person.

You avoid decisive action or decisions in general because it makes you uncomfortable. You tend to rationalize and explain why you did not do what you really needed to do.  For you, it is much easier to avoid taking action (at least in the short term) but it is also a sure trait that signals mediocrity and stagnation.

You are a pretender.

You pretend you do not know about a high performer who is behaving badly. You pretend that your key client is not crushing your employee morale. Maybe you even pretend you do not know it is time for you to move on. All of this pretending allows you to avoid the pain and makes you feel good in the short term, but it exacts a heavy price over time.

You are the Black & White guy.

You regularly struggle to analyse situations. You do not know how to balance your head and your guts. It takes both facts and intuition to analyse situations effectively. Step outside your comfort zone when it is time to make decisions. The perception of your leadership will be enhanced, the performance of your team will improve and people will likely trust you more if you lead with both your head and your guts.

You suffer from ‘shiny ball’ syndrome. 

Most of us do not want to say ‘no’ to distractions because what we should be focusing on may be difficult. ‘Shiny ball’ syndrome can be managed but it requires real courage and discipline to stay focused and on task. If we cannot achieve focus and manage what is expected of us, we will drown in our own chaos. We will fail to do the important things and we will fail as leaders.

You regularly blame others.

You are one of those energy-draining, counterproductive people who deal with difficult circumstances via blame. You are not the one to take action to change your circumstances because it is always someone else’s problem. Real leaders are driven by the importance of removing excuses and blame from themselves and their organisations.

You ignore what is causing ‘parachute popping’ in your company.

Maybe it is a policy, a person, or a mindset that is holding you or your team back from optimal performance. Ask yourself now: what am I doing or not doing, that is causing people to ‘pop’ (i.e. deploy) their parachutes? Try to be courageous and assist in removing all the obstacles that you can.  Work around the guys who always have parachutes strapped to their backs so that you can stay productive, directed and focused.

You are a ‘fact listener’ who is not open to discovery.

This tendency is so strong that it blinds you from seeing alternatives, opportunities or contrary evidence. If you do not listen to the “whole” information vs. just the facts as you know them, you would not see other possibilities.

You reward being busy as opposed to delivering results.

You worry about upsetting your team or employees, so you do not set the right expectations. True leaders lay out what is expected in the most effective way possible and are clear about the consequences of not meeting them.

You clutter is obstructing your view.

You are the type who has more meetings, more calls, more emails to read and send and more of everything else to obsess over. Cluttered mindsets and work styles are clear signs of fear and/or disorganisation. Let go and remove some of that clutter so you can free up the time to do what truly inspires and moves you. Try it! You’ll realise this may be the best reason of all to confront your hidden fears and vanquish your inner professional coward.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp.

A man takes his hamster to the vet and after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There,” says the vet. “Your hamster is dead.”
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.

“It’s definitely dead, sir,” says the vet.

Convinced, the man asks how much he owes.

“That will be RM1000, please.”

“RM1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead?” fumes the man.

“Well,” says the vet…. “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.”

Teacher: Are you good in history?
Little Johnny: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history!

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping centre. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and be home before the New Year!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the cashier. “With that monsoon blowing viciously out there and with this brand-new broom you have here, you’ll be home in no time!”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: “You shouldn’t be eating so much candy, it’ll rot your teeth, it’s just bad for you to eat so much candy.”
The little boy looked up and said: “My grandfather lived to be 95 years old.”
The older man asked: “Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?”

The little boy said: “No… by minding his own business!”

A police officer responded to a report of a bar-room disturbance.

The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and was the “Heavy-weight Boxing Champion of the World.”

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini.”
The giant nodded.
“If I had some chains,” the officer continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.
“Are you sure?” the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”

“In that case,” said the officer, “you’re under arrest!”

Steven is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steven’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven’t done any since… and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Steven sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steven decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and started hugging and kissing her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steven and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody said a word.
A few minutes later, Steven grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steven remembered his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, “Okay, enough is enough, I’ll do the damn dishes!”

A young boy from Penang goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Kolej Korona that will teach our dog, Coco how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do we get Coco into that program?” “Just send him down here with RM1,000” the young boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and RM1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. “So, how’s Coco doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Coco into that program?” “Just send RM2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read… so he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Coco? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Coco was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that young lady who lives in town?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics!!!

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So, the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait them!”

Welles and Link were lost in the desert and hadn’t eaten in weeks.

Suddenly they stumbled on a dead coyote covered with maggots.
Welles, at the point of starvation, couldn’t control himself.

He threw himself on the rotting animal and began eating it.

Ten minutes later, he threw up all over the place
At that moment, Link began eating what his friend had just vomited.

He stopped for a moment and said, “I knew if I waited long enough, I’d have a hot meal!”

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep.

She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, “Four!”
His wife yelled back, “Four and a quarter!”

Son: Dad, you are my hero.

Dad: Really?

Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?
Dad: Well, yes, of course.

Son: That’s great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card!

A couple returns from their honeymoon and it is obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
“Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend, “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!”

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer, I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.

If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver!”

I tried to type on my phone, “I’m a functional adult.”

My phone changed it to a “fictional adult.”

I left it as is, as I feel that’s more accurate!

A soldier was stationed abroad and he received a letter from his girlfriend back home.

It read: “Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship.

The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m very sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.”

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

Self-reflection may feel like the latest new thing but the concept is nearly as old as time itself. Way back in Ancient Greece, Socrates told his executioners that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” While that statement may be a bit extreme – life is life, after all, and always worth living – examining your beliefs, your attitudes and your actions, is a vital part of personal change and growth. What exactly is self-reflection and how does it help you achieve your goals for personal growth?

Remembering the past – and more importantly, analyzing it for patterns – is the way that we learn. When a football coach sits down with his players to watch last week’s game, he is not doing it for entertainment. He uses it as an opportunity to point out how each player’s actions and patterns contributed to a win or a loss and to recommend changes to strategy so that the players improve their performance in the next game.

The post-mortem is not confined to sports, of course. In a poetry slam, for example, performers often watch videos of their own performances to see places where their delivery could be better or to take note of where the audience reacted in an unexpected way to their words or gestures. There is even an actual tool to help athletes and other performers make the most of their self-reflection. Reflecting on your actions and attitudes is one of the most effective ways to identify areas where you need to change, recognize places where you have grown and keep you moving forward to achieve your personal growth goals.

Let us start with this understanding: the purpose of self-reflection is not to beat yourself up for being a bad person. The point is to examine how well you are meeting your goals, recognize where you are in comparison to where you were, and mark your progress toward where you want to be.

Here is the first exercise in self-reflection to get you started on your way to a more examined life. These questions will help you set a baseline, recognizing where you are and what you need to be happy, successful and fulfilled.

Before you start answering them through, think about the ways you learn best. Write out things in long hand in your journal which helps you really focus and think about the answers before you write them down. Your mileage may vary – maybe you do your best thinking out loud. In that case, use a voice recorder app on your phone. Whatever works best for you is right for you.

1. What are your strengths? Make note of the things you do well, the things that make you proud of yourself.
2. What are your weaknesses? Note your personality traits or personal habits that you think make you less effective.
3. What makes you happy? Write down the things in your life, big or small, that bring you joy.
4. What are the things that dim your joy? Write down the things that bring you stress, anxiety or otherwise make you less happy.
5. What changes would you like to make in your life?

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!!

A nagging wife to her husband: “You don’t care. Something is preying on my mind.”

Husband: “Don’t you panic, it will find nothing!”

What wears a cap but doesn’t have a head?

A water bottle!

Hi. This is John.

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money!

What’s black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!

What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true.
“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!”

A Mafia don calls his home.
The butler picks up the phone and says: Hello
Mafia don: Give the phone to my wife.
Butler: Just a moment.
The Butler comes back and says: She is in the bathroom.
Mafia Don: I said I want to speak to her NOW!
Butler: I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now.
Mafia Don: If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens.
Butler (now scared): You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom.
Mafia Don: What did you say??
Butler: Yes, it’s true.
Mafia Don: Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both.
Butler (scared out of his wits) : I can’t do that; I can never kill anyone.
Mafia Don: Do it right now!
Butler: No, I can’t!

Mafia Don: If you don’t do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with – I want to hear the shots, and don’t forget to get rid of the gun.

Butler: Uh, all right.
The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.
Butler (badly shaken) : I did it!
Mafia Don: Good work. What did you do with the gun?
Butler: I threw the gun in the pool.

Mafia Don: What pool are you talking about? We don’t have a pool! Is this 019-200-1000???

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

Snoring is the hoarse or harsh sound that occurs when air flows past relaxed tissues in your throat, causing the tissues to vibrate as you breathe. Nearly everyone snores now and then, but for some people, it can be a chronic problem. In addition, snoring can be a nuisance to your partner.

It is more common in people who are older than 40, have excessive weight, smoking habits or breathing problems. These factors often lead to enlarged tonsils, enlarged tongue or excess weight around the neck, thus making their airway too narrow for air to travel in their lungs. This results in throat vibrations, hence the snoring sound.

Snoring is sometimes associated with a sleep disorder called obstructive sleep apnea. Obstructive sleep apnea often is characterized by loud snoring followed by periods of silence when breathing stops or nearly stops. Eventually, this reduction or pause in breathing may signal you to wake up and you may awaken with a loud snort or gasping sound. You may sleep lightly due to disrupted sleep. This pattern of breathing pauses may be repeated many times during the night. People with obstructive sleep apnea usually experience periods when breathing slows or stops at least five times during every hour of sleep.

The following lifestyle changes help stop or reduce your snoring:-

Do

• try to lose weight if you are overweight.
• sleep on your side – try taping a tennis ball to the back of your sleepwear, or buy a special pillow or bed wedge to help keep you on your side.
• consider asking your partner to use earplugs if your snoring affects his/her sleep.

Don’t

• do not smoke.
• do not drink too much alcohol.
• do not take sleeping pills – this can sometimes cause snoring.

See your doctor if:-

• lifestyle changes are not helping.
• your snoring is having a big impact on your or your partner’s life.
• you feel sleepy during the day or make gasping or choking noises while you sleep – you may have sleep apnea, which can be serious if not treated.

What happens at your appointment

The doctor will look inside your mouth and nose to check for any problems that might be causing your snoring.

It can help to bring someone with you to your appointment who can describe what your snoring is like, such as your partner.

The doctor may refer you to a specialist for treatment or further tests if the doctor is not sure what the cause is.

Treatment for snoring depends on the cause

Talk to a doctor about the best treatment for you.

Surgery for snoring

Surgery is sometimes used to treat snoring if other treatments do not help. But surgery does not always work and snoring can come back afterward.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. 

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.
“It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.”

“Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbour had more snow than me.”

“How’s that?” asked the government man.

“More land,” replied the farmer!

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to England but as soon as they find out you’re from America, they hate you. They just think they’re more sophisticated than the Americans are. They’re so pissed at the Americans. You know what it is? They’re mad because they lost the Revolutionary War and they should be because there was only like nine Americans!

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.
“Thanks for putting us up for the weekend, pal,” said Thorn.

“The food was great and the booze was superb and I really enjoyed making love to your wife.”

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, “I hope you weren’t serious about enjoying making love to his wife!”

“No, I wasn’t serious. She was lousy!”

1. What is the cheapest meat?
2. Deer balls, they are under a ringgit!

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe!

Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is!

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying “To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right…”

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk!”

A wealthy merchant of 84 years married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Langkawi but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary attack and was hospitalized.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, “Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of RM 500,000 a year, my mansion in Kenny Hills, my large palm oil estate in Johore and my Mercedes 600S. You’ll never need to worry about money.”
“Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way,” his young wife exclaimed. “You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?”

“Well,” the old man gasped, “you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters!”

A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course) and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally, the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth – to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, “Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes too?”

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

“Well,” responded the nun, “Forget about me. Stick it in the camel!!!”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp.