The Hidden Mental Vault.

The New Normal.

2018-10-18T03:12:00.004-04:00

SO it's been a minute since my last blog post, and while a lot has changed, it certainly hasn't gone fully undocumented (if you follow me on Social Media, anyways). It may have taken me damn near 9 months to activate, but things are settling into a new normal per say, and I have to say that I'm quite enjoying it.

Probably the biggest change and switch centers around my transfer. In the beginning of August, I formally put in a request to transfer to a different location, after thinking about it and plotting it out for damn near a year. My nervousness for change and unexpected territory kept me from formally making a change for a long time, but I knew if I didn't at least try it, I never would. The best part is that it worked out for the best, and at the beginning of September, I made the change to the CarMax location in Pleasanton, roughly 40 minutes from home. It's a bit closer than the hour commute I made previously, but commute not withstanding, it's been a nice relief for me in a new environment with a new team. I've learned a great deal and have managed to feel quite at home rather quickly, which makes me feel as though I'm doing something right. I've been able to re-affirm the decisions I've made to myself, in that I'm figuring out this career thing and making the appropriate moves to put myself in the appropriate places. It does help to have a pretty kick-ass team, if I can say so myself.

I took a visit today to the CarMax I started at, in Sacramento, to visit people and check-in, if you will. For the first time, I truly felt more like a visitor, which honestly isn't a bad thing at all. For so long I felt a sense of comfort and complacency, which I felt started to stifle my growth a great deal. The challenges were long gone and it was easy to skate by, even with throwing in wrenches and road blocks. Walking around and talking to people today, it felt nice to catch up and share the journey I've embarked on, and to receive tons of support from my peers felt really nice.

Probably the biggest -- and best -- part of this new normal is my overall mental health. For so long I struggled with anxiety in all varieties and varying stages of depression, most of which I've handled to the best of my ability. A simple change in environment and change of pace has done more wonders than I can even explain in words. Gone are the constant feelings of heaviness and lost, replaced with feelings of accomplishment and growing self-worth. I look forward to working with my peers and working towards the next goal together. I like the interactions with people again. When I hear "I appreciate you" now, it isn't mentally met with "You're just saying that for [insert reason here]" anymore. Now, it comes with "Thanks for that, I appreciate you as well." The weight that walked on my shoulders day in and day out is pretty amazing.

A good chunk of that mental health is being able to leave work AT WORK when I clock out for the day. I started to feel like I was always at work whenever I would leave, to the point where the work/life balance line was severely blurred at times. That isn't meant to be a bad thing, as I've always made myself available whenever needed, but there were times where I felt like I could never turn the work side of me OFF when I would leave work for the day/evening. There was no sense of detachment, no sense of disconnect. Now, when I leave work, I'm thinking about what I'm gonna do when I get home, or mapping out my next day off and what that will entail. I can think about my friends again and communicating with them -- something I'm STILL working on, don't you worry -- or I can plan out trips and life events again. I can actually think about dating again, or think about my next local adventure. My mind is actually clear for a change, and I'm not just saying it to make myself believe it. Quite honestly, that's the one thing that I've had to learn to adjust to.

I looked back on a post I made here at the start of 2018, where I outlined a few ideals for myself. It feels great to have checked off a couple on that list. Moving forward into this new normal has been a great reminder to myself that I need to continue to do the things important to me, and make the changes that are necessary and important. It's been nice to be able to just be myself, and re-figure that out again. Whatever that entails, I'm excited to see it again.

Until next time.

It's Still Hard to Share Sometimes.

2018-04-23T02:24:00.001-04:00

So I'm sitting here getting ready to go to bed, and doing my usual wind-down to get ready, and all of a sudden this blog idea hits my mind. Naturally, right? I think a lot of it has to do with where my mind's been over the last few months. There's been some challenges and difficulties I've found myself facing, and more or less having to find a way to work through and deal with them, sometimes more or less head-on.

I think what's made it worse too is that in some cases, even when searching out the answers, I still haven't been able to find them.

In an overall sense, sometimes it's still hard for me to share things. Some things come easily to talk about and share, as they are a part of my story and what makes up a significant portion of who I am. But there's still that little part of me that sometimes finds it difficult to share those items. I know that makes it hard to move past some things at times, and while I try and fight it to the nail, it still becomes a bit difficult to move past. I've learned to let go and move forward, but there's been times where as much as I've wanted to it's been difficult to loosen the grip and move forward. Unanswered questions hold me back a lot, and it becomes something that I thoroughly wonder about.

The best example of this is a situation I found myself in earlier this year. At the beginning of January, I met someone who I found myself very much attracted to, both physically and mentally. It came seemingly out of nowhere, moving so quickly that it took me by surprise. While there was a part of me that was apprehensive, I very much liked this person and wanted to get to know them further. I could actually see myself dating this person for a long period of time. We met in person, so I was able to confirm that this was indeed an actual human being and not a figment of my imagination. In person, the chemistry clicked just as well, and it all felt very natural. It all felt authentic, and it made me excited to be honest. We made plans together to spend time and continue getting to know each other, different dates and the like. We shared a lot of things in common and had very similar interests, and could identify with the others' hobbies and interests. For ME, this felt too good to be true, but I went for it.

As quickly as it happened, it all stopped just as quickly.

One day I went for a walk with my stepmother, as was my normal routine on my days off. I text this person a photo of my walk as I normally had done prior, and realized they had blocked my number. Through a quick investigation I also came to find out they had deleted me off all social media and blocked me from communicating with them on such as well. This seemingly came out of thin air, with no reason why or what happened to lead to this point. They just.... vanished. No answers, nothing. All I could do is ask myself a single question: Why?

I'll never truly get the answers from that situation that I want. While it was a VERY short period of time in my life -- this all happened within a month -- I felt a deep connection with said person that I hadn't felt in quite a long time. For that to be gone with absolutely zero explanation, to me, visibly bothered me for some time and will probably continue to bother me at some expense for a while, or until someone comes along to prove that there are even more good people in the world to date.

Over the last few months I've found it difficult to share some things. It's been an odd feeling, especially knowing that people trust me with things and like to talk to me about a lot of things going on.... seeking advice, looking for help, looking for a trusting ear to talk to, and often times, as much as I'd like to, I easily forget about myself and all the things going on in my mind that I want to share. I always feel like I'll steal from that person's moment of time, or that what I'm thinking of is insignificant or non-important. Of course those are all falsehoods, but it's hard to combat that feeling sometimes. It's a hurdle that I know I have to get over; I just have to find the way to break it.

The beginning of this year has been very interesting. It's caused me to ask myself a lot of questions and seek out answers that I may not necessarily have. But it's making me look for those answers to those questions that I've avoided for a while. Honestly? This may be a good thing, even though it scares me to death. I can only hope the outcome is what I've been looking for.

Until next time.

Making the Most of Things.

2018-02-07T17:02:00.000-05:00

Through the first month of the year, I have to say that there has been a lot of things that I've learned from and even grown through. Weird to think that such important changes happen so quickly and effectively at the same time. For what it's worth, in the very least it all makes sense in the grand scheme of things.

I think the most important thing for myself is continue to look at the bigger picture. Sure, things may not work out the best and I'm pretty sure that the speed bumps along the way will make it so that you want to give up before reaching the end result. But at the end of the day, what matters the most is that you're taking something from the bad and attempting to not repeat bad behaviors.

I started off the year with a bang, effectively. To be honest, it shocked me the most because things happened that I was definitely NOT expecting to happen. In the end, it didn't work out and I would be lying if I didn't say that it bothered me a great deal. At the end of it, the best thing for me was to take the lesson I learned from it and move forward. As I stated before, the year is about me and making the most for myself; to let someone else have that effect over me isn't allowed.

In my mind, people lose the relative nature of what life has to offer. People get stuck in the moment and think that it is forever, when in reality it's such a small microcosm of the larger effects of life and what it has to offer. It's super easy to get lost and stuck in the hard moments and lose sight of the bigger picture. Sometimes you just have to make the most of what you have and work to make it better, either with help or sometimes without.

I spend a lot of my time now thinking about what I can work on, what I can control, and what I can improve on. It depends sometimes on the motive, the action, and the result, but at the end of the day, I try to make sure that I'm doing my best to control what I'm able to control and what I'm able to improve on. You can't control others and what they decide to do or focus on, you can only control what you can control. Sometimes others' actions can directly influence what you're able to do, and in those moments it's up to you as to what you're going to allow -- either you can let it affect you and bring you down, or you can do something about it to fix it.

If you ask my co-workers what I always preach on, I'm always saying that if you sit complacent to what's happening and do nothing to improve the situation or at least make an attempt to fix the issues at hand, you have zero rights to complain to me about it or zero chances of it ever changing. I literally say it once or twice a week to multiple people. There have been moments that are entirely frustrating and completely unreasonable, but usually the beginning result is that no one is saying anything to fix or circumvent the issue. Everyone's sitting around waiting for someone else to fix it for them, and sometimes that clear message isn't as clear as you may think it is or should be.

The more confident I become, the more I'm stepping out and up to make things right. In my mind, while things are tough, we have what we have and I want things to be better, so I'm going to step up and do what I can to make things better for myself and my team, wherever that may be. I think a lot of that has to do with me finding my voice and becoming more confident in myself, which is great. I would much rather do what I can to help and make things better than to sit and wallow in the pits and complain about everything. Sometimes, actions are louder than words.

Continuing into 2018, my goal is continue to take more action and not just talk. As I move forward, I don't want complacency to define me. I want to improve and continue to work hard to not only get to where I know I can be, but to also help those along the way however I can. I don't want to let the bad stuff be the definition, but instead the learning curve I was able to overcome. Effectively, I want to take charge of the controllable actions and situations I can directly control, and not focus on the things outside my grasp.... but at the same time continue to be outspoken and driven by success. The bag is mixed, but we'll see how it all turns out at some point.

Hopefully all the above made sense. : )

Until next time.

2018.

2018-01-05T02:04:00.003-05:00

So I’ve thought about a comeback to this blog for quite some time, but the problem is that I felt some kind of block whenever it came time to actually sit down and write something out. It was kinda weird for me, especially considering I’ve never had this feeling before. I would literally sit down at my desk, ready to blog out whatever was on my mind at that moment, but the second I opened up Word to type it out (that’s usually where my blogs start), I would get about a paragraph in and completely just walk away from it.

Writer’s Block, if you will. And it sucks.

I think I had gotten to a point where I didn’t view this blog as useful for me anymore. I don’t think it had much to do with not getting my thoughts out, but more so experiencing the moment in front of me. 2017 was all about me living in my moment, and less in the virtual moment. I wanted to be present with my friends, present with my family, and not miss those moments. A lot changed for me, but one thing that opened up, in my mind, is the importance of things in my life, which is what I was looking for along the way.

2017 for me was an experience. I don’t know if that experience was all good all the time, but it was definitely an experience. I got my first promotion at my job at CarMax, but also lost my Grandma to the effects of dementia. I saw my life spiral into a financial hole that I didn’t think was mountable, but made the decision to purchase my first car (albeit the hand was drawn for me, but the end result was fantastic). I’ve recovered in ways I did not think was imaginable, but I’m still humble enough to learn from any and all mistakes I make and will continue to make. Remember, we’re all humans.

So this blog, right? Where does it fit in my life?

Well, it’s right where it’s supposed to be.
x

I was able to live in my truth in 2017, and I want to continue that into 2018, with improvements along the way. I want somewhere to document my life struggles, my lessons, and overall just my life. I hope to stand as an inspiration to someone by continuing to live my truth and continuing to be my true, authentic self, regardless of others and their thoughts/views/opinions.

There are some things I want to accomplish this year. I wouldn’t call them resolutions, more so just objectives and goals I would like to hit or obtain during the year, making them a permanent part of my life (or even just making the next step in my journey).

As much as I love my job and my location in Sacramento, it’s high time for me to take that next step in my journey…. And that may take me away from Sacramento. Do not get me wrong, I like my job and the people I’m with. But there is only so much I can do and continue to do being in the same place I was hired 4 years ago. When I promoted to one of the Lead Business Office Associates in the office, my fear was working and managing over those who I worked side-by-side with for so long…. And I wondered how that transition period would go. I always want to have the respect of my peers and those around me in a work environment, so I wanted to make sure that I still had that respect, even gaining a higher level from those if possible. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that process, but I know that I have to make that next jump, and that jump could land me somewhere else. I also welcome the challenge to working in a new environment with new people and new obstacles to work through. Being in the same place for 4 years, it’s easy to become stagnant, comfortable, and complacent…. And I’m kinda ready to shake things up. The only question: If I do leave Sacramento South, where would I go?

It’s time to make – and KEEP – ME as a priority in my life, no matter what others may think, perceive, or otherwise. To this point I worked for others, through others, and it’s time for that to stop. Plain and simple, it’s time to make ME the priority in life, because no one else is going to. Mind you, this is something I’ve worked towards for a while, but in order for it to stick, I knew that mentally I had to be in a good place in life. It’s taken a lot of mental changes, a lot of self-discovery, living my truth, and accepting my truth this past year, but I find myself in a good spot, where keeping myself at the top of my list is the priority, and nothing else. Overall I’m VERY chill and I very much go with the flow, but when I’m passionate about something, I stick to it. So for this year, it’s all about keeping that real and a thing. What exactly does that entail? You’ll get to see probably, so stay tuned.

Do the things that matter and enjoy the moments that mean a lot. Living in the moment isn’t something I have always done, nor known how to do. Goes back to that whole “not making me a priority” thing. Do you know that I LOVE photography? Do you know that I love to read, and have enough books to read one a day for a year without getting bored? Did you know I love history, specifically American History and British History? How about that I love airplanes? That I love to travel? What about the fact that I love cars? I don’t share these things because I think people don’t care to hear them. SO WHAT? Passions of mine drive me forward. So I’m gonna share photos of my car, and my adventures around where I am. Most of all, I’m gonna live for the moment, and ENJOY the moment. That’s what is important.

It’s time to get back to Georgia. 2016 was the last time I was in Georgia, when I made two trips out there. More pressing things kept me from making a trip in 2017, but I realized that there are still PLENTY of people out there who I would love to see. I just enjoy it out there, plain and simple. People think I’m weird when I tell them that Sweet Tea isn’t the same unless it’s made by someone in the South because you can feel the love in it, or that an afternoon on the porch with friends listening to the crickets nearby is the best thing to hear. I’m Southern-bred, and that will never change. I’ve always said I’ll find myself back out there for good one day, and we’ll see when that becomes my reality, but for now, I’ll take all the visits I can get out of it.

I think the most important part of my mentality to maintain is to be humble. I don’t want to forget what’s happened to me, where I’ve been, because that will only help me as I continue to go where I want to go. I want to always be that helpful, compassionate, dependable person who is willing to put their butt on the line to help, but also remember that I matter in the equation and that I can’t just always put myself out there and beat myself down. When people think they have learned it all and there is no more left, that is when the most valuable lesson is missed. I never want to be that person who pretends to know it all, because I sure as hell don’t know it all. Sit down, be humble.

Hopefully there are more things to chronicle in 2018. I feel like this is my year to shine, and I truthfully mean that. We always say that “this is gonna be MY year” or “this is my breakout session” or whatever other phrases that say the same thing. I’m not gonna say all of that, I’m just gonna say that I feel this is my year to shine, and this is my year to do what I’m wanting to do and what I’m GOING to do.

Carry on, 2018.

Until next time.

Importance.

2017-09-19T02:43:00.001-04:00

My last blog post was back in mid-June. Life was definitely in an interesting point at that moment. A lot has changed since then, but I've continued to forge forward and focus on the path.

Today, I felt this strong compulsion to write something here. I know what it was stirred up by, and it has me at a very interesting perspective on things, life and otherwise.

It's very easy to get caught up in life. There are moments where people easily forget to stop and focus on what's important and forget the rest. It's easy to bypass a moment to smell the flowers, so to speak, if it slows you down. Maybe you can bypass that one thing you want to do if it slows you down any. But sometimes it takes that one thing to snap you back to reality.

This life is not promised. NOTHING in life is promised or guaranteed. You can close your eyes tonight and not open them again tomorrow, and you'd never know. It's very easy to forget that this fragile thing called life isn't something that is owed, promised, nor guaranteed.

There are moments that happen, whether they affect you directly or not, that remind you of that. Things come and go in your life with a purpose, and there can be that one thing that comes, that makes you remember the importance of life and it's value.

Maybe it makes you hug that special someone in your life a little harder.

Maybe it makes you take that moment to go visit that friend for coffee you've been talking about.

Maybe it makes you take that trip you've talked about taking, but put off for various reasons.

Maybe it makes you just stop for a moment.... and breathe... and slow down.

I know that for half the day to this point, all I can think about is making sure that I take care of myself. All I can think about is making sure that I look out for me, as no one else will do it. All I can think about is making sure that I listen to myself.

I think about where I was in June and where I am now in September. Even that small period of time has had a significant impact on my life, my ability to make decisions, my confidence in myself, and desire to take care of myself. Room for improvement is ways there, but the main thing is the importance.

Hug that loved one a little tighter. Tell that family member that you love them.
It's important to remember the important things life has to offer.

#UntilNextTime.

The Next Chapter.

2017-06-16T01:03:00.002-04:00

I haven't been on here in quite a while. Maybe it's just a feeling of a lack of things to write about. To be honest, I've spent more time living my life in the moment than living my life online. To be truthful, my life is no more than average, but it's my average life. So I do what I can to make the best of those moments, in knowing that I'll make steps forward.

Today, though, I feel compelled to write. So I'm listening to some YouTube videos as I type. Typically that puts me into my zone, if you will, where I'm super relaxed. This blog is kinda a combination of a few that I started prior to today, condensed together, so it may get kinda long, and I apologize for that. Bear with me.

May 21st, 2017: My grandma, after 95 years on this earth, including the last 2 years of her life where she struggled with dementia, passed away. In that moment, all kinds of emotions ran through me, from the obvious ones to ones of peace, silence, and calm. It was a weird moment for me, because while I felt an immense sadness for losing the grandma who has been a constant in my life for 28 years -- far longer than most, I'm sure -- it was still surreal to think that she was no longer here. In that moment though, I was happy for her. She didn't have to suffer anymore, and finally could be at peace. All I've ever wanted for her is to be at peace.

May 31st, 2017: After a whirlwind of funeral preparations, finding out things -- and getting frustrated -- regarding funeral planning, this was the day I viewed the body for the first time since I last saw my grandma alive. Keep in mind I didn't even go to the viewing of the body the day before my mom's funeral, but at the advice of my dad, we went down together. THIS was probably the single hardest moment for me, as it hit me like a ton of bricks. My grandma was gone. In front of me was this angelic body of a person who I knew as my grandma, but the person I called Grandma was gone. It was hard, I'm not going to lie. In that moment though, as I looked at her, I realized just how peaceful she looked. She looked like she was sleeping. I've never seen a person so at peace. Here, I knew that I did right by her, and always had. And I know that I'll continue to do right by her.

In the days after the funeral -- with family and the like, and getting through that day having to push past my introverted anxiety wall where all I wanted to do was sit in my room and not interact with people -- I've really thought about everything my life has brought me to, at this point. I've been flooded with memories that have made me laugh and smile, just remembering all the goods time my grandma and I shared together. It's never easy to lose a loved one, but I know those memories will be what I think on and remember.

The person my grandma was at the end of her life, while still the lovable person I know, wasn't the person I want to remember her as. To me, she's that spunky, lively individual who would cook up a meal at 8pm at night just because I said I was hungry. To me, she's that fearless go-getter who would walk from the house to the church, in heels, just to get to 8am service when the car wouldn't start that morning. To me, she's the caring person who sat down with me and told me that she would always love me, no matter what my quirks where, who I was, or who I chose to love. To me, she's that inspiring person who gave so much of herself and put so much of herself out there, even if she got absolutely nothing in return. Every day she inspired me to be a better version of myself, instilling values and wisdom I'll never lose.

Today marks 2 weeks since the funeral. I feel like I've gone at full speed since May 21st, and today was really the first day where I just sat down. I went down to the house and looked through things to see what all was still in the house -- mind you, she's got a basement FULL of stuff that I'm not excited to go through because manual labor -- and to kinda figure out a game plan. I didn't really do that; instead I just sat there and remembered. I remembered everything about growing up in that house, and everything that ever was about anything with my first 12 years of life in that house. It was great to sit in the middle of the living room and just remember everything. It was really nice to think on and reflect on. For me, it was the perfect close of one chapter..... and the opening of a new one.

My life feels so weird now. It's a weird peace and tranquility that I have to my life now. I don't have a reason to go to Berkeley anymore. I don't have anyone really to go and visit anymore. It was so weird at first driving down there and going immediately to the house, instead of driving up to the nursing home to see her. It was so weird to walk in the house, knowing that she herself would never walk in it again. But after a few moments -- and a couple of rambling phone calls to a few friends -- I kinda settled into the "new normal" if you will and started looking at things.

It's a new chapter in my life. I'm truly in this on my own. I'm here in California with nothing left to hold me here. I truly came back to be with my Grandma and spend all the time with her that I could, and I'm glad that I did that. These past 5 years are immeasurable in quality of life. I've gotten so much from the times and memories with her. But this is a new step. It's weird. I like it though, because it's all unknown.

I could technically stay in California until the next big step happens.

I could leave California behind and truly forge ahead with whatever I want.

I could even start dating again.

There's really unlimited possibilities at this point. While that's scary, I can really dictate what I can -- and want to -- do now. What that will be will show itself in time, and there's no rush on anything. It's nice.... and peaceful. I don't feel like I need guidance in that way, but I'm happy to know that in whatever steps I take, I now have 2 guardian angels -- my mom and my grandma -- to watch over me. That alone makes me smile.

#UntilNextTime

My Mental Health Trek

2017-01-17T21:48:00.001-05:00

One thing I've remained very tight-lipped on is the extent of my mental health journey. I never really talked about it because I felt as though it would make me appear weak or incredibly different, something that as a self-proclaimed introvert, was scary. As I've improved my overall quality of life, it's one thing I've always found myself going back to. As a lot of things have changed in my life it's always something I reflect back on.

To properly explain, I have to take you back to June 17th, 2005. This was three days before my mom passed away from terminal cancer. This would also be the last time I would ever see my mom alive before she was taken to the hospice center. I never went to visit with my mom after that moment; primarily my dad would go, and my grandma would stay at the house with me. He never asked, I never volunteered. I think my dad was doing his best to shield me from the horrors that were watching my mom wither away before our eyes.

I distinctly remember a grief counselor coming out to the house after my mom passed and after the funeral. I don't remember her name, but I remember seeing her outside one day as I came home from somewhere; I distinctly remember standing outside with her for a couple of hours, just talking. She was very attentive and very focused on the words I was saying. She wasn't trying to ease the pain, but instead offer a set of ears to talk into. I can't tell you for sure how many times after that she came back out, but I know it couldn't have been more than 3. Something always told me that my dad was the one to put an end to that, but I never asked.

I never fully dealt with my mom's passing. I instead dove head-first into occupation, like Marching Band and school. Band became my outlet for a lot of my frustrations, but I also never really talked much about it and no one pushed the subject. I got into my fair share of trouble, but anytime I ever felt the emotions coming to surface, I would stifle them back down. Pretty soon I felt as though I was more of a time clock waiting to explode.

Throughout college I had my fair share of experiences and life-altering moments. I was kicked out of my music studio and forced to change majors, dealt with a lot of self-discovery and self-confidence issues, dealt with my share of friendship problems and trust issues, along with more emotional burials than I can really detail. Deep down I became this emotionally unstable, jealous individual that would mask it underneath a smile and determination to succeed. There would be moments of clarity where I thought I was breaking through. There were moments of determination where I wanted to fix everything. But truth be told, I was comfortable. Things were easy and I didn't want to have to put the work in to change, deep down. I'd always fall back into the status quo, because I didn't have the challenge to want to change. I had control over the situation and could change it, but didn't want to put in the work.

Fast forward to July of 2012, when I moved California. I moved in with my dad and my stepmother. While having a roof over my head was a positive, not much changed about my mental state. I felt more alone than ever, and with nothing to distract my thoughts and nothing to occupy my time outside of applying for job after job after job with no success, I began to unravel slowly, and I found myself in this really unhealthy place. Keep in mind as well that moving back in with your parents, after being on your own for a number of years, can really change your viewpoint, especially with a strict parent (and yes, even as an adult).

I say all of that to say that I reached a point in my life where I felt as though I couldn't do much, if anything, right. I felt as though I couldn't get a foot in any door, advance forward, and I had a total lack of confidence and self-esteem. It felt as though I was knocked down before I even could get up, and, in a dramatic sense, I felt as though there wasn't much hope of change.

Once I started working for CarMax, a lot more independence showed itself. I was slowly able to establish my own stake in what I was doing, and slowly things shifted. Probably my biggest changes and shifts have happened within the last 6-9 months, all fueled with at-work performances.

I've talked about it before, but I work with our on-site Auctions, having done so since September of 2014. It was my first big project to be a part of, and as time grew forward I developed a knack for it, one that continues to this day. But at one point, I wanted to separate myself from it, as I felt it was holding me back from my true potential. I looked at Auction as something that would hinder my growth, and as a result I shifted away from it entirely at one point. I didn't have a huge hand in Auction from March to July of 2016, coming back on after an employee left the company. It was here that things started shifting directions and I wanted to use Auction as a fuel to help my growth and help my development.

6 months later, the entire landscape has changed. I have a team around me consistently who strives to be the best that it can be, and are just as passionate about it as I am. They want to see the success and continue to build on what we have, and it makes me super confident and comfortable to step away at times. For instance, I wasn't in the office this past Monday for the Auction, and the rest of the team put everything together and ran it just fine without me. It felt great to hear back from those guys and know that they were able to do things greatly without me. It makes me feel confident that what we're doing is in the right direction and will only get better with time.

These changes have transpired in areas around my own personal development, and I find myself in a much better position now than ever. It's shifted my entire mindset, and now-a-days I find myself totally chill and laid-back. I'm quiet, but now in a way to allow me to listen and take in everything. I'm laid-back, but totally serious at the same time. It really helps knowing that the rewards of the hard work are really showing themselves, and it's only boosted my confidence, both work related and otherwise.

I've also made it a goal to take care of myself. One thing that lacks is an overall sense of watching after myself. I know that I'm a top priority now. I know that I matter the most. It's okay to have bad days but it's how I rebound that matters most. I made a vow to myself to take some time away, even if it's my normal "weekend" and do something. Go somewhere. See something new. Spend time with people who matter. Make new friends even.

Even if it's by myself, get out there and see the world. This past weekend I was fortunate to see Alcatraz Island and tour a lot of the city, places I haven't seen before. It felt great to do something different, and I want to do more of that. I talk about it all the time but I never commit to doing so.

I've never felt as excited about the unknown as I have lately. There's a bit of challenge in my life that wasn't there before, and I want to make things work as best I can. I think that's the difference; I want to make them work versus having to force it. When things become forced you enjoy it a lot less. I don't want it to be perfect, I just want it to be something I can continue to improve on and learn from. I want 2017 to be a year where I look back and am proud of where I've gotten to.

I guess that starts with doing laundry so that I have clothes to wear when I'm not at home. It's getting too cold for shorts.

Until next time, folks.

Some Silence Isn't Deadly.

2016-12-26T12:11:00.002-05:00

[November 25th]
Over the last couple of months I have definitely noticed a shift in my demeanor, one that happens from time to time. I tend to go really rogue and become this "back of the room" type person, one where I simply listen and taken in more than I talk. It use to be that I would do that in situations where everything was very unknown and untrustworthy to me, and was more of a coping mechanism to environments where I didn't feel the most comfortable.

These days, the silence is more to learn. In other words, this silence isn't as deadly as the others have been.

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[December 24th]
I started writing this blog post back on November 25th. The plan was to come back and wrap it up the next day, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think about it -- I've thought over the last several weeks about putting up a blog post -- but the drive to continue to work on myself was more present than sitting in front of a computer screen.

And I did that. I focused in on myself. And the result was more surprising.

Maybe because I'll be turning 28 in a few days, but it seems that the motivation to really hone in on my own mental health has been more prevalent these days than ever. Before I would always say that I felt "at one" with myself or that I truly "felt grounded" when it came to my emotional well-being. I know now that those statements were entirely further away from the truth than I realized. More or less they were just facades to the actual feelings I had in regards to actively taking care of myself.

The end result has me in a place where it's an active process. It doesn't just end with one day, it continues on and onward and consecutively, with no clear end in sight. It just continues. BUT it continues in the fact that I'm working on ME. I'm focusing on ME. I put ME first.

I have challenges in my every day life now that I didn't have before. I'm at a good place that I wasn't at before with my job. I don't outwardly and inwardly care about what others think or perceive about me. I just have focused on me, and it's been great to say the least.

Since the last blog, a few things in my life have changed:

- I said good-bye (kinda) to the Chrysler PT Cruiser as the daily driver and welcomed in a 2003 Ford Explorer XLT into my life. It has permanent All-Wheel Drive (I discovered this a few days ago when I had to make a pull onto the highway and could literally feel the pull into the seat) and it's a lot more reliable. To say that I'm excited and happy is a large understatement. I've always liked the look of the Explorer, especially this particular model year, and this one is a great one. Has a brand-new transmission that I just crossed 1,000 miles with, and although there's still some nuances to get fixed with it, I look at it as a project, one I can continue to work with and make my own. And I like that. I don't mind paying the extra little bit and working on the little bit with a car that I actually like.

- I'm currently in the process of searching for my own place to live. Again, I'm turning 28 in a few days. Beyond the fact that it's been past time for me to live on my own again, I'm just yearning for a place to call my own. Keep in mind that I'm not looking to buy, as I don't necessarily consider California to be my forever home. I still have a lot of looking to do in regards to establishing hard-core stability in my life. However, it's been great to have the opportunity that I've had to live in Fairfield, but there isn't a lot here and to be frank, I feel as though the welcome mat is halfway gone. (Those who know me know what that particularly means.) I've kept my searches into the Yolo County / Sacramento County areas as I currently work in Sacramento, and I like the area. We'll see what happens though.

- I'm actually within arms reach of a nice promotion at work. I've said all along that I was "ready" to move up and actually take on leadership and responsibility. I had no idea what leadership and responsibility were until recently. I work as a part of our on-site Auction at the CarMax I work at, which brings with it challenges and hurdles to overcome along the way. I love the environment, and I want it to be the best. I've also learned what it's like to lean on and depend on others to help, and that I don't have to do it all. I'll be first to say that it was a huge challenge for me to release control and depend on my team, as well as to stop making excuses and take ownership. The breakthrough happened within the last few months, and once it clicked, it set in deep and made a nest. It's truly been awesome to look at myself 6 months ago, and then look at myself now. Completely different person. After my most recent file review with one of my managers, I wholeheartedly feel I'm making the right steps for the first time, and successful in all areas.

I've talked with my peers and those around me, who all have said that the overall differences and changes with me are noticeable to say the least. It makes me smile knowing that those changes I've looked to make, both internally and externally viewed, are noticed. It gives me the confidence I've never had to step up and actually make changes, even making a difference in some cases.

[December 26th]
I've settled into a lot of things about myself as well over the last few months as well. For so long I felt as though I had to be another person to be a part of the crowd. I felt as though I had to do things I wasn't necessarily a fan of just to fit in, but now I feel confident enough in myself to know that I can just do what makes me happy/comfortable. At the end of the day that's what matters the most.

Taking time for myself this year has definitely been something I'm not use to. In a way I kinda went rogue, limiting my communication on social media, focusing more on friendships and those who mattered most, while at the same time doing what I could to make a future for myself, or trying to anyway. I was finally able to start letting go of things that have had a strangle-hold on my mind for so long, and simply just chill. There's still a lot of things left to do and a lot more to accomplish, but at this point there's a lot that I've done and the changes that it's invoked are definitely ones to continue to pull me into a positive direction.

I feel better. I look better. I have a desire and challenge that I haven't had for a long time, and I think a lot of that came from just becoming comfortable where I was in my life. Things were "easy" and "simple" and I didn't have to put in a lot of work. Some things just came naturally to me, and therefore didn't require the extra energy to get to the extra mile. But to get to where I want to go, that's something that I have to move forward past.

Heading into 2017, I want to continue to focus on those friendships and people who matter to me, but more in a way. I want those connections to be genuine and never to feel one-sided. I want people to know that I care about them, and feel that they care about me. To get to that requires work and trust, something I value wholeheartedly. I want to be at a place in my life where if I took an above-view of everything, I'm happy with where I am, but still have the challenge and desire to continue to do better. I know at points I'm going to make mistakes and fall, and that's okay. What matters is how I pick myself back up and continue to move forward.

I'm also going back into the gym, but that's a whole other battle I'll have to deal with (I'm not gonna lie, I do enjoy sleep).....

2016 was different. It wasn't what I expected (I don't think anyone can disagree with this statement for themselves either). But I feel as though I actually did learn a lot this time around, and didn't just say it to believe it. This time, I actually believe the words I'm looking at, not trying to talk myself into believing the words I'm looking at. I'm just hopeful that 2017 will continue to expand on what I was able to start on in 2016.

I hope everyone had a great Holiday Season.
Enjoy your day off (if you're fortunate). Think of me as I'm at work with my co-horts.

And as always....

Until next time, folks.

Not This September.

2016-09-01T01:25:00.006-04:00

September 1st.

Lots of times I look at this date with a lot of dread. You see, ever September, I walk into this month with a force, almost knowing I'm going to come out of it mentally exhausted. Lots of things seem to always happen throughout the month that lead me to a state of confusion, mental dehydration, and just a yearning for the end of the year. And every year I try to take a different approach into it, hoping that something will stick, that something will work.

So I looked at the month in general. What happens during September? What about it makes it such an off month for me? There isn't anything in specifics that's happened during that month in years past. I haven't ended up in any weird positions that make this month one of my worsts during the year. There isn't much that ever has happened, saved for a lot of birthdays during the month.

August for me, this year, was a roller coaster of emotions and feelings that I finally had to start dealing with for, probably, the first time truthfully. Lots of admission, lots of soul-seeking, and a lot of spiritual divulging to, in a way, get back to my authentic self. I took a look at who I am and what I bring to the table, in hopes to find out the root cause for a lot of my mental anguish.

A lot of the times, what I found is my overall lack of focused attention to myself to be the primary cause. I've been told that I have a "genuine soul", one that cares a lot for others and looks for the good. Honesty comes with that as well, and there's an overall drive for the success of those around you and within a team aspect. A lot of times though, what goes unnoticed are personal feelings from within. Those moments where you feel the most stressed and just want a moment to gather it in? You push it off. That moment to take a breather? Nope, just keep going.

There's also a dependability aspect. When you're dependable and hard-working, it becomes expected of you instead of appreciated. I feel that constantly, where the tasks I do or the moments I go well above and beyond are simply expected, and not appreciated. I feel those moments, where I do what I can, aren't appreciated as they should be. In earnest, I just feel more overworked than appreciated a lot of the time.

It all comes down to the delivery. You can figure out all the problems all day until you're blue in the face but it does nothing unless you confront and control the issues at hand.

So.... what about September? What does all of the above have to do with a change?

I look at things now a bit differently. I accept my flaws as that and look for ways to improve them. I have my bad days, but I don't try to hide them anymore; I accept them as such and as a part of life. There will be days where I don't feel at 100%, but it's how I approach them -- and what I do in those moments -- that help with the come-around.

I'm about the small things in life. I enjoy those moments. I look for ways to express that creative outlet, this blog being one of them. I accept the challenges placed in front of me and work to improve and carry on. I don't accept something as a handout, nor do I work blindly. Above all else, I aim to stick to my truly authentic self.

I want to walk into the month knowing that there will be things that happen that I won't like. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. Nothing should be perfect. One bad thing won't ruin my life, nor my week or even day. In those moments it's important to realize the microcosm of it all and learn from it. I think in trying to look for the lesson in things, you learn how not to let it happen again to you, instead of focusing solely on the negative aspects of it all.

Take today for instance. There was a mixture of emotions & feelings that took place. In moments I felt happy and totally complicit. In others I felt confused. In some I was sad and felt down on my luck. Other moments were filled with vented frustrations in areas I was more confused than sad on. I smiled at the joy I brought to someone with a simply gesture. Lots of emotions and ups and downs.

I'm going to be home alone for the next 6 days as my parents are taking a short trip to visit family. I'll be here managing things on my own, and it'll be a time for me to really think on things. I won't feel restricted. And I think it'll be a great start to the month overall, as I'll have that time. If anything, I have a car to work on sitting in my driveway.

A bad September? Honestly, I don't feel it happening. Not this September.

Behind the Wall.

2016-08-17T04:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday as I was heading home from work, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding a situation he was going through. We talked about levels of controlled happiness and how others unknowingly can dictate our levels of happiness. It sucks because even though you can try as hard as you can, it still becomes a focus that you can't drag away from. I always look at things in a way that pulls you from the situation and allows you to think clearly and thoughtfully about whatever is happening; effectively it prevents you from making irrational decisions that can inversely affect something.

That's not what this blog is about thought.

One thing I've always fought with is keeping my inner emotions behind a wall. Basically, I get to a point where it's hard for me to truly share how I feel. I get stuck in situations where I'm not sure what to do or where to even go forward, and in those situations I look for others to at least bounce my thoughts off of. It helps sometimes to just have someone to talk to in those situations. What sucks is not feeling like you have anyone to share with.

At the current moment I find myself in situations I shouldn't be in. Nothing terrible that will land me in trouble, but more or less mental situations where making decisions is key. When you find yourself liking someone, sometimes it's just hard to pull yourself from behind the wall.

I've been hurt or judged a lot thought my life. I've never fit into any pre-determined ideals for anything; I've always been just myself and everything that entails. Unfortunately we live in a world where people like to place labels on your to fit into their pre-determined roles for what they think you should me. For me, this has always meant I'm put into roles that I clearly do not fit in, or roles where I just know I don't mesh into or fit into well.

With that, I land where I shouldn't, sometimes in situations where I'm almost destined to get hurt. It doesn't really bode well for me as there isn't a win-win situation, or even a win-lose possibility. I struggle though the basic premise at times and just hope for the best; that won't get your far though. Most of the time I just bury my feelings and situations behind the wall, in hopes that they never show themselves or even come out.

And then they start to.

And then I feel stuck.

And then I don't know what to do.

To be frank, I like someone. Or, I feel I do anyways. I'm not really sure because I'm not sure if it's me not wanting to commit to how I feel or if I've just started to push it. But regardless, I find myself liking someone. They're a great person and I feel a good connection there. But how do I go about it without looking like a babbling idiot? What I do in situations like this, I feel, defines my specific being as a person. It sucks because I don't want to make the wrong move and kill a friendship but I don't want to not move and then be left with the thoughts of never knowing.

In situations like this, there's almost the likely chance that I'll put it behind the wall. Thoughts radiate through my head that make me challenge every possibility or chance I may even have. So instead of being hurt, I just don't ask. I justify it thought reasoning that isn't even legit, at best.

One thing I want to work on is not being stuck behind the wall. There are always instances where I have to put myself out there and be prepared to possibly be hurt in return. I do look at myself now versus the person I was in 2012 and can definitely see a noticeable change in how I am and how I carry myself. But there's always a bit of me that remains from that person back then. There are things I have to personally work through in order to move forward, but I'm starting to appreciate myself more and more.

Putting things behind a wall will never help you move forward. Stifling things behind a wall will never allow you to confront those feelings and emotions and drive them forward like they should. There are too many missed moments in life for one to put things behind a wall and simply hope for the best outcome. In the end, I just want to be the strongest person I can be, because I know that I can be. It's just a matter of getting there.

I know I'm not perfect, and there's always work to be done. But the last thing I should be doing is peering behind the wall at the outcome on the other side. I can only hope that I continue to work on these areas.

Realistic vs. Idealistic.

2016-07-28T16:04:00.004-04:00

The struggle has definitely been real as of late.
While I've done what I can to shy away from it, it's getting more difficult to do so.

I'm a realist. I'm a very realistic person. I reference myself as an "optimistic realist" because while I am overall an optimistic person at my deepest core and want to be overall positive, I'm still very realistic about what it takes to accomplish something. I don't think it's impossible, but I'm just very honest about the current situation. It becomes difficult to work in an environment where the idealistic thoughts overpower or overtake everything. "When the problems are fixed, we'll be here" or "This is only temporary, because when we get to this point...." or "In an ideal world,...." or something along those lines. In those situations, the realism of the situation goes out of the window and now all that's being discussed is the idealism of what's to come. I'm not saying it's unobtainable or impossible to get to that idealistic; I'm just very realistic about the situation overall, what the problem(s) are, what we should do, and opening up about what we can do to fix the problem(s).

I can't get into specifics, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like no one is listening to me when I actually do voice up my concerns. I feel like I talk, they nod, and either nothing happens or I'm completely disregarded. I know things don't change overnight, nor do I expect them to, but to add on to what's already a bad situation with no regard to the consequences makes it feel entirely worse, especially when it's myself that feels the adverse consequences of said actions. When I voice said concerns it feels as if it doesn't even matter. I will say that one thing that's definitely improved, however, is my willingness to speak up now, but I digress....

Tangent: I was told that I tend to over-process things, and in situations where I feel l'm going above and beyond, I'm just creating a lot more work for myself. In ways I can definitely see and understand that, and have worked on not putting myself in situations where that happens, although that doesn't change situations that I'm placed inside of, however (and that's a whole separate issue). But in recent events I've noticed a complete trend to over-think MY response to a situation, which then fuels the response. I actually brought this up at one point because I felt like it was creating a situation where I felt disadvantaged.

Fact About Me: What I ask is the face value of something. If I ask a question, it's because I'm curious of the outcome. Comes from my thirst of knowledge. However, it does not mean I'm going to act if it's a situation that requires action that can come from anyone and not just myself. More or less, it's for the knowledge bank so in the future, if I'm alone in the situation or it comes up, I can help guide or work through it.

It's from the above I feel like sometimes people tend to overlook or "over-talk" myself. I focus on the current situation and how to fix the problems in front of me, and less about the future and what it may or may not contain. It's possible that the future can be adversely or inversely affected by what the present holds, hence why I'm an optimistic realist. I also know I can't fix everything by myself, so I'm looking for help in situations where it's needed. What sucks is when you ask for that help and that still doesn't happen or take place. That is the point where my frustrations tend to boil over.

I'm in a situation now where stepping up and being a leader is important. I don't want to over-talk or overstep anyone, but I want to "right the ship," so to speak, before it capsizes. I want to situate the problems that are at hand, and fix them, with help, which invokes a lot of teaching opportunities. I want to rely on others in areas where I don't need hands-on with things, so everything moves smoothly. The disconnect comes in how that happens, which I'm struggling through now.

Plenty of situations have happened recently where I feel as though when I do talk and I do open that door, no one listens. It's a perpetual cycle where I feel that it isn't even worth it, and it's taking away my love for something I enjoy greatly. I guess part of it comes in how I was raised, where you let someone finish their thought or whatever, and then you chime in or continue forward..... not interrupting them mid-phrase or mid-breath effectively. It's more of an annoyance than anything else, but a good 90% of the time, it results in me either forgetting entirely what I was saying or my point, or me just shutting off and going into a subservient role, where all I do is listen. In my mind, if I'm constantly being over-talked, then I don't really know much about the given situation, and should simply listen to what's being said...... at least, that's how my mind justifies it in the end anyway. That's probably why I end up forgetting said thoughts, but again, I digress....

My overall concern right now is that nothing changes, everything gets worse, and the ones to blame don't take responsibility for the things that are happening. Overall it just sucks. It's hard to stay positive in a situation where you don't see or feel anything that will lead you to believe that it isn't forever or that it will never change. My problems and concerns now are being stuck in a place where the changes will never come and worst of all, I'll be held back from my true potential. I don't want to just "abandon ship" so to speak, but at the end of the day if you don't feel as though there's going to be some realistic changes -- and not just idealistic changes-- then it may be time to figure out some new steps moving forward.

Maybe all the above is just a mini-rant taking up space in my head, or just a lot of negative energy I need to put somewhere else so that it isn't in my mind. I just want to know, along the way, that the feelings I feel and the words I say are actually being heard, not just being dismissed. I want to know I can talk and someone will listen, whether that's a normal conversation, a discussion, concerns, or even a rant. It's enough for people to say that I matter to them; it's completely different for one to actually feel like I matter to them, and that I'm just not a worker they can depend on.

Until next time, folks.

Part 2: I Came Here on a Mission.

2016-06-14T00:20:00.000-04:00

Exactly a month ago I published a blog talking about my first trip out here, and that it served a much grander purpose than to just share everything on Social Media. The important part was to just enjoy the moment.

Those words definitely have resonated through me the last month. I focus a lot more about being present and less thinking about the past or the future. It's led me to make some decisions regarding my life that have me in a really strange area of peace (one I may go into more detail on later). There's a lot of things changing in the coming weeks and months, changes I hope continue to drive this level of spirit that makes me feel a lot more at one with myself.

But, I digress, this blog isn't about that.

I came out here for a singular purpose this time. My friends, Kelson & Kylan, got married on June 11th. I was a groomsman in their wedding, a wedding I've been all-the-more anticipating since I snapped their engagement just a year ago. From the moment Kelson talked to me about tuxes coming from Men's Wearhouse and working the logistics so I could get fitted (mind you, he never officially asked me, he told me I was a groomsman, hahaha) I've been waiting for this past weekend to come like a kid waiting for Christmas.

I came out here on a mission.

I've been in weddings before. In fact, every wedding I've been to, I've been involved in somehow. I joked with Kylan that I don't know how to be a normal wedding guest, because I've either been a Best Man or a Groomsman at every wedding I've attended. But, at those weddings prior, I kept to myself mostly. I didn't talk much outside of what was asked for me, and the worst part, I didn't really mingle in with everyone else. Call it anxiety, nerves, social anxiety, all the like.... I always felt bad because I didn't know how to initiate the conversation. I didn't know where to pull common ground with other people who were a part of the party. With the lone exception of two of the weddings, I usually was in the wedding party where the only people I knew were the bride and groom themselves. Not that unusual of a fact, but very difficult is the fact that even way back, I battled heavily with social anxiety. Therefore, being in an environment where you have to be social, and all you can think about is not saying the wrong thing, not giving off the bad impression, turns into a situation where all you do is sit in the back and listen... and wait. Wait for what, you ask? Permission. Stupid, yes. But anxiety isn't about logic most of the time.

This time, I wanted things to be entirely different. I met a lot of Kelson & Kylan's friends the previous year when I went with them to church. In fact, I met both of their families, siblings, dogs even.... on top of their friends from home. And even in 2015, I still struggled with social anxiety, but I did my best to mingle and converse. I guess it helped.

What made me smile was the amount of love, support, friendship, and fellowship for both of them. There's no way I couldn't feel the amount of energy, all positive, for them in that space in that day. Truly an amazing feeling, one I didn't want to leave. I met so many amazing and cool people over the course of the week, from the other people in the wedding party, to friends and family of both Kelson & Kylan, to church members, and all the way around. Everyone was so welcoming, open, and just awesome to be around... it made it just all the more awesome and exciting to be a part of something like that. It made it all the more easy to have fun and just enjoy the moments. I even danced. That alone is an accomplishment.

Ultimately, I wanted to come here and not feel afraid to be a part of everything. I wanted to be present in the moment, enjoy the moment, appreciate everything around me, and just appreciate the fact that I was even here to begin with. I feel like I was truly able to do that. I guess in that sense, I accomplished the mission, and I have a cool glass to show for it.

As I sit here on my last night in Georgia (I fly back to California tomorrow night), I can't help but feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm sad because I'm leaving, and all I want to do is stay here. But I'm happy because I was able to come here and be a part of their big day, and I'm excited to get back home and just keep things going.

Part 1: Enjoying the Moment.

2016-05-13T02:54:00.002-04:00

It feels great to say this.

I'm in Atlanta, Georgia.
Feels great. I feel like it's similar to coming back home, only not in a way.

I've been looking forward to this for well over a month now, as semi-documented via Facebook. But one thing I noticed along the way was my lack of sharing leading to the time when I got on the plane and flew out here. To be honest, I probably posted a handful of posts detailing it. And I'm perfectly okay with it.

Today even, I spent time with a great friend of mine (and someone I enjoy spending time with) trying new places, walking around / people-watching, and breaking my Starbucks ban with. It was great, and awesome, with great company, and other than a single Facebook post, I didn't feel compelled to share or document much, if any, of what we were doing. No Snapchat, no Instagram photo of our food, no Tweets....

I just enjoyed their company.
I just enjoyed the moment.

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I wrote the above start to this blog post while sitting in my hotel room in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago. I never published it, as I spent more time away from my laptop than even thinking about the Internet, something I didn't think was possible a long time ago. That trip brought with it so many moments, so many memories that I'll think about on the days when I'm struggling to make it through the day because of things getting me down.

What's the great aspect is that none of my trip, minus the few postings and tags from friends, are documented online anywhere. I simply enjoyed the moment.

Lately I've looked at Social Media as a great outlet to put yourself out there. It can also bury you deeply if you rely too heavily on it. With me, I found myself at the latter. Sure, I still enjoy scrolling through Instagram, but I practically like every single photo on my feed -- even the ads at times -- and find myself doing it either late at night as I lay down to go to bed, or in the morning while using the bathroom.

Outside of that, I don't post too much. No status, no tweets, rarely my own photos on Instagram.... I'll Snap on Snapchat but that's about it. It's weird at times, but I like it.

I find myself enjoying the moment with those who I'm around. For instance, when I went to Buford to see my friend Joey, instead of grabbing the camera -- which was in the car with me the entire time -- I left it to simply enjoy the moment with him. The conversations, the walking around the Mall of Georgia, the Starbucks.... it was just a great time with an equally great person. Not once did I feel compelled to bring out the phone to snap a picture of our food or what we were doing. [I did post a Facebook post but that was it.] The only other times the phone came out was to figure out where we were going to eat, and to use my Starbucks app to pay for my drink and food.

Even once I got to Statesboro, I didn't post much, if at all. Quite honestly I was on the move practically everyday, seeing people or going places. It was overall nice to just take those moments and disconnect from the world and simply enjoy the environment I was in, and enjoy those people. The more I think back to that trip, the more I smile on those memories. And the more I think about it, the more I realize the importance of enjoying the moment you are in and disconnecting.

I realize now that I haven't lived for the moment. I lived for the moment in regards to sharing and posting, and getting involved with making sure everyone else was involved with it. But what did I get out of it? What was the point? Where was the purpose? Did anyone even care?

At the end of the day, each moment of my trip to Georgia will be something I think about....

... Sitting on the couch with 2 of my closest friends as we talk about their upcoming wedding and the natural feeling of the 3 of us sitting in the living room spending time with one another and how this could be a daily thing if life works out that way....

... Seeing 2 of my best friends for the first time in 4 years, choking back tears just hugging the crap out of them, separately, knowing that they've been my support system for as long as I've known them....

... Driving to Charleston to have dinner with a friend and her family, being welcomed in just like a member of the family (dogs included), and to enjoy that conversation that had more winds and turns in it than the roads that took me to that quiet neighborhood....

... Sitting around the coffee table to find out that two of the greatest people I know are expecting their first child together, and the level of excitement and anticipation I feel for both of them as they expand and build their family together, and essentially being there with them both since the very beginning of it all....

These things aren't measurable at all. They aren't things that truly can be documented without being in the moment. To look back on all the moments I spent on that trip, and know I was truly there makes me smile. I can look on those moments on the days where my life isn't that grand. But then it also makes me truly realize that it's more important to enjoy the moment.

Burn Out is Real.

2016-02-10T16:18:00.000-05:00

Let's just be honest here for a moment.

Burn out is real. And it's awful to work through.

For the last 6 months I've been dealing with this nagging feeling, as if I'm not making progress forwards or backwards. I'm just stuck where I am. And even when I feel like I am making progress I feel as though it's going nowhere fast. But a lot of my feelings of burn out are coming from what I'm doing now with myself.

I leave my house, go to work, and I'm there for 9 hours. I don't feel like I make any progress on any one thing while I'm there. My mind is constantly moving and trying to stay focused but in the end I feel like I leave having not accomplished a single thing. I feel like I wasted all this time and accomplished nothing. The sad thing is that once I leave there I'm so mentally exhausted that when I do finally get home, all I want to do is sit. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere else, I don't even want to pick up my phone to send a text.

All I want to do is sit there.

There are days when I get home from work where I don't even take off my work clothes, or even my shoes. I walk into my room, sit down at my desk chair, and just.... sit there. Total silence. No TV, no music, no computer on, I just sit there and let my mind wander. I look around my room at all the things I need to clean up or work on, but my mind is so mentally gone from the present moment that I don't even want to get up to work on those things. Eventually I'll open up my laptop or pick up my phone, but all I'll do is mindlessly scroll through Facebook or Instagram, not really working on anything pertinent.

It definitely is not a good thing at all.

I wonder sometimes if it's a mixture of burn out and depression. I do battle with that on a regular basis and I always ask myself if I'm letting that take control again. There are things I want to do at work, programs I want to work on, and things I want to do in order to further and expand my personal development (both inside and outside the work place), but I feel like I'm being held down. I ask myself if I'm just giving up hope and just settling in to what I have.

I went on a walk this morning with my stepmother, and I find that during those walks it really helps to clear things out of my mind. I talk out a lot of my frustrations and how I generally feel, just in a way to make space in my mind for the healthy thoughts. I've found lately that this helps on those days when I'm going to work.... I don't feel the anxiety "building in my chest" as I'm making the commute, or at least, it's not as bad.

After our walk, I sat down to relax (I'm sore like crazy, walking 5 miles in 1.5 hours is no joke) and I was thinking about some short-term and long-term goals. I've got two trips coming up to Georgia in April and June, followed by a planned trip to Detroit, MI for a family reunion in late June. Thinking about those trips, I started to set some short-term and long-term goals, both for work and myself. A lot of them will facilitate lots of changes in my life, and a lot of moving around and new environments. At the end of the day though, it's all in an effort to help myself in the best way possible. I'm letting myself lose sight of what's important, which is me.

The only person who cares the most about me is indeed me.

Burn out is real, though. For sure. You work hard, a lot, all the time, without any breaks, and see if you can make it to the end. It's tough though, especially without any goals for yourself or anything in sight to look forward to. Setting some goals though.... that will help for sure.

Right now, I'm just aiming to make it to April 15th. If I can make it there, I can make it to June 8th. After that, the ball is definitely going to roll.... and the odds will definitely be in my favor.

Time to get a little bit... sideways.

Publicly Silent.

2016-01-25T14:02:00.001-05:00

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've noticed a steep decline in the amount of things I post online. Not as many status versus sharing of posts (mostly pertaining to food), and just a general enjoyment of the things around me, and not the need to post them all over social media.

What a concept.

I've thought about this recently, and I've had to ask myself: Why do people find the need to share every facet of their lives online? What makes sharing every step you take and every drink you make with the masses? What makes it desirable?

I still don't have the answer to that question, but it's shaped how and what I do.... and what I share.

I think anyone who knows me knows that I'm a conservative person. By nature, I'm not loud and out there with my life and what I do. Quite honestly, I don't see the point. Sure, share the major life milestones with everyone, but there isn't really a need to share everything. I feel like those that do like the attention that it brings, but what attention is that really? What does it accomplish? What are you doing with it?

Someone asked me a long time ago why I don't talk about a lot of my life. The problem is that I have and it doesn't fix anything. Sure, getting the bad things in my mind out in the open help to make sense of it all. And yes, sharing things in my life help to establish common ground among friends and acquaintances.

I think a lot of it has to do with trust as well. I've shared the deepest, darkest secrets in my life and have had people betray that trust time and again. These days I don't trust as easily, but when I do find that trust -- and some can attest to this -- I almost shift into a completely different person. No filters are needed.

Back to posting online though, I just don't see the point in posting a long status when I have a blog to write in. I feel like I should keep some things in the bank to talk about and share among friends. It gives us something to discuss and talk about, instead of staring at our phones while we hang out. And also, it provides a nice disconnect from social media, which I think all of us need at times. (My only caveat is Instagram, which is for.... well, reasons.)

I think people should take a step back and focus on the moment in front of people. It does no good to do something good then feel the need to share that with the world. Did you do that good for the good of the person, or the good of all the Likes you'll get on Facebook for it? Did you do that simply for the charity, or the charity of likes and posts about it online?

You get where I'm going?

As I move more into 2016 and my mindset continues to evolve as I'm in my 27th year, what means more to me is having a sit-down conversation with a friend over a beer and talking for hours, instead of scrolling through a Facebook feed. I take phone calls into consideration more so than in the past, as I enjoy that time talking and catching up with someone. For example, I had a 3-hour phone conversation with one of my best friends a couple weeks back; I haven't talked on the phone for THAT LONG since I was in middle school, and even then those conversations weren't about anything significant. This conversation covered so many topics, so many discussion points, and I know the feeling was mutual; it was a great conversation, and I love it.

In a way, I guess I'm publicly silent. It's not as bad of a thing as I thought it would be. I just don't see the point in putting all of me out there. To me, you have to leave something in the reserve to talk about. If all of you is out there and everyone can see it, what does that leave you with to bring up in conversation? To me it just makes more sense, but I could be wrong.

Let's see how 2016 works out. So far it's up and down, but I'm hanging in there.

Carry on, my wayward son.

This Christmas is a Bit Different.

2015-12-25T13:41:00.001-05:00

The weirdest thing happened this morning.... at least, it was weird to me. I woke up per usual, and as I got out of bed, everything felt normal, as it should. Internet was acting weird so the YouTube videos I normally watch weren't playing, so I fiddled with the iPad and the Chromecast until I figured out it was the internet.

I checked my phone and caught glimpse of the messages on it. 3 unread, all from friends. As I saw them, something clicked in my mind.

Today is Christmas Day.

I had planned to get a small Christmas tree for my room, just to bring a little bit of the spirit into my room specifically. I was going to do a little bit of decorating, just to spruce things up a little bit. And then I found out my dad was joining my stepmother in Hawaii with the rest of the step-family, so I effectively was on my own for the first time for Christmas. I can't say I'm surprised, but it was still a weird feeling. I've always been with my family for the holidays, especially Christmas. And then I thought about my Grandma, who is now in a nursing home because of her dementia.... and then my Aunt Sheryl who passed away earlier in the year.... and it just made me think about everything that happened.

This Christmas is a bit different.

I always envisioned the point where things would become a bit different. As I get older (and one day have my own family), I figured that point would be where things would shift in the paradigm. I guess I just didn't expect it to come so soon.

It's a weird time for me. We're winding down on 2015. In 2 days I'll be 27 years old, 3 years away from 30 years alive. It's SUCH a weird feeling and my mind is a mixture of emotion and thoughts.

This is the first Christmas where I'm truly on my own to do whatever. And now that it's here I have not a single clue what to do about it.

So... I'm gonna go visit my Grandma at her nursing home for a couple of hours. My sister is making chili at home so I'll stop over there. Stores are closed so I'm definitely not going to do any shopping, and tomorrow I go back to work and the start of probably the busiest week I'll have the pleasure of being a part of. I have Sunday off for my birthday, so I'll have breakfast with a friend of mine and then the rest of the afternoon is fully open.

But first, we'll focus on today. This Christmas is a bit different, but I'm okay with it, at least for now. I was sad about it at first, but after a bit of reflection, I can't say there's much to complain about. I have my health, I have the ability to do and go where I want to, and there's no worries about anything at the moment.

Although now I'm craving some Chinese food....

Merry Christmas, Internet.

Facebook Note Throwback: "Evolution"

2015-11-17T17:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not entirely sure what brought me to my Notes page on Facebook today, but I found myself gravitating to this particular "note" that I wrote back in the summer of 2010, probably around the end of July. It's interesting to think that my life is in such a different place than way back then, but the words from here, as I read them, brought me back to a mindset that I haven't had in quite a long time.

It's just very positive and forward-looking.

I'm putting it here as a reminder to myself that there's always a positive outlook on things. While it's hard to keep a smile and trudge forward, there's a positive outcome out there for me. It's not going to come unless I work on it. So work on it, I must.

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There is a reason, past or present, why people are in my life. Each person, I feel, serves a different purpose in my life, whether they seem similar or not. I'd like to think that I'm simply a guest on the ride of life, and to be included in your life, to me, is a great honor. You could very easily shut me out, want nothing to do with me. Instead, you talk to me, enjoy our company, and leave making plans to do it all over again. I love it. Every second.

That does go, however, without saying that we all change as we evolve as humans. No one is expected to stay the same, forever. As we gain knowledge on this ride, that knowledge evolves us, and makes us realize things that before, were outside our realm. Some people hate that, and think they're afraid of change. I, on the other hand, am now in the sate where I want to embrace it. I was once told by a friend, Hampton Dixon, to embrace change and change accordingly. I didn't know what he meant at first, and now I realize, all along, what he means.

As we traverse life, keeping true to your morals, your beliefs, and your core personality as a whole is key. I think it's important to remember where you come from, what makes you who you are, and above all else, what makes you unique in the massive mob of people. In other words, when talking about you specifically, you should always keep true to yourself, and not mold yourself to fit some persona that isn't you. That doesn't mean to never change, though. As stated, when you gain knowledge you should apply it to yourself, and pass that on. If that means changing things about yourself, that means change things about yourself. But don't do it because you've got a mob around you telling you to. It may be important, but it's even more important for you to want that change.

I've learned in 21 years and 6 months alive on this planet that as I evolve, I will change. And you know, that is perfectly OK. It's suppose to happen. If 21-year old Alfred was the same as 18-year old Alfred, there is no way my dad would've moved 3000 miles away, got married, and tell me constantly that I'm doing alright. I've changed, because I've wanted to. And I think, if warranted, you should as well.

My time here in California has produced a lot of differences in my mindset, ones that, in hindsight, existed because I slowly had become comfortable in my lifestyle. Along some line, somewhere, we all decide that where we are is the most comfortable place to me, and that, well, if we were to alter something, it would mean that we would have to make a whole slew of life changes to accommodate it appropriately.

Now, I see it as not being the case.

As I've gotten older, I've settled into my mindset a bit more, one that continues -- and will continue -- to change as I learn more, not just about myself, but my surroundings and my life. In February, I wrote a note talking about how badly I wanted to get out of Statesboro, how much I needed a break from small-town Georgia, how I just wanted to get away, but I didn't have that opportunity.

I've been away from Georgia over 2 months now, and with 20 days left on the roster, there's still some more left to get through.

Being away from Georgia for as long as I have, away from all my friends without hearing from many of them, makes me realize just how much, if I had to go a long period of time, I would miss them all. I guess in all that I was thinking about, I took for granted that all the time those people would be no more than 5 minutes away. Well, now, they're 3,000 miles away. I haven't seen any of them since May, and I realize now just how much I took all that for granted, just how much I didn't think about that fact. All I saw was me wanting to get away, to get out, to have that separation

And now that I've gotten that separation, it's put a lot more into some nice perspective.

Never can I say that I don't have amazing friends... y'all put up with my BS more than I can give you credit for, and each time I say that, I walk away with the notion that I am wanted an am accepted into your life AS a friend for a reason....

But I never seem to acknowledge it, or realize it.

I walk away this time WITH that notion to BE a better friend, BE that person you can rely on whenever you need it, and TRULY be a team player, not just the person in the wings. I'll always have that as my mentality, but I also know that sometimes you just gotta step to that plate and come ready to fight, defend, and protect your honor.

No one is perfect, no one ever WILL be perfect, and perfection is that hill that no matter how long you climb it, you'll never reach the top of it. An, as people we try sometimes to reach and obtain that perfection.

All I'm doing now is doing the best that I can to BE that friend, to be that person that offers my friends me as the best person that I can be. At the end of the day, that's all I should be, is that friend who cares, but at the same time, be that friend that is honest. Not to say that I haven't been, but let that shine through more.

I can walk away from the 85 days spent in California as an experience to grow from, and each time I'm away for an extended period of time, I feel as though I speak the same thing all the time. But I always feel that I never act on it. And it's because we become comfortable with where we are in life, and sometimes we just don't feel like doing what we need to do to make that transition.

But I feel like the time is now, the time is here for me to do what I need to do to be a better person. And not just for other people, but be a better person for myself. I don't need the ego kick, so don't think that. But I, in my own eyes, know that I can offer a lot more, so that's what I'm gonna do my best to do. Don't call it a changed man, just think of it as steady improvements on this road we call life.

I think as I go on in life, the more philosophical I become. It makes me laugh sometimes, because I never use to think of myself as philosophical.....

The summer for each person is different. Some look at it as a time away from the business of school. Some think it'll be the summer they meet their true love. Others look at it in dread, in fear of being away from what they love, that being their friends. Some see it, in the case of graduates, as another chapter of their life being completed, and that it's now time to pick up and move on to the next phase. For some, however, they look at the beginning with dread and hate, but upon looking back, realized they did a lot of growing maturing, morphing so to speak, into a person that wasn't there when the summer first started. They see someone, in the mirror, as a much better person than what started the summer off with. And it sparks something inside that promotes the change to carry on, and not die once you're back in that familiar environment.

We evolve as we grow. That's fact. You can't look at yourself and know that as you gain intelligence, you won't evolve as a human. Why? Because we apply what we know to the life we live every day. If you don't know it, you won't apply it. People at different points in life sometimes don't take into consideration that you have to learn to evolve; you just don't evolve, then learn later. You have to be willing to learn, to grow and evolve as a person. If you can't learn, then you can't grow, simple truth. We all learn and evolve differently, at different places in life. some see it a long ways off, but others... it takes something happening, that's serious, to promote the realization. And we all look at it different. We're all different, no one is the same.

Spending time in California has presented me with a multitude of mindsets to adopt, but I wanted to have my own. As as I sit on my bed typing this out, and I look back to the beginning of summer, as well as the beginning of 2010, I know that I sit here not as an improved person. And that improved mentality, I want to share with everyone that means a lot to me.

It's not me trying to seem smart, or naive. I simply just want to get out there how I see things. And though it may be a bit different, it can be a refreshing viewpoint for someone else, who knows?

Questions.

2015-11-05T02:29:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure I wasn't suppose to fin out, but lately I've found out about people having questions pertaining to me, or something surrounding me. I'd like to think I'm pretty calm and simple to talk to whenever someone as a question about me. Something to work on, I suppose. More thoughts on off-days, I guess.... or during breaks in laundry on off-days.

I guess with this blog I try to get the thoughts in my brain onto a forum I can read or understand, so here it goes....

I grew up among the center of conversations. I grew up with people always questioning something about me... my sexuality, my tastes in things in life, what I did, how I did it, why I did it... and a lot of times they snowballed from the small things they were into bigger things that I eventually would have to face, because as all things are in life, they come full-circle. Mostly always I would joke it off and move forward, explaining myself and most of the time, people accepting the truth as it was. Very rarely would I encounter a situation where it was a back-and-forth banter pertaining to parts of my life.

The truth of the situation is that it would essentially cripple me with anxiety. I started wondering what else people were saying about me, or what people were making up about me as a way to bring me down. I guess in a way that contributes to my self-diagnosed need for control. I always need to know what's going on, especially about things pertaining to me.

There have been times lately when I've been told "Hey, we're going to have a meeting to discuss things" or "Hey, I need to talk to you about something... but not right at this second," and I instantly want to know what's going on. It's like my anxiety hits hyper-drive and I automatically assume the worst. I start looking for clues and I start analyzing all the things I've done lately... last week, last 2 weeks, last 3 months.... to get an idea as far as what's coming.

It's dumb. And I know it is.

I instantly start looking to myself to figure out what's caused me to start acting like I'm in trouble when I'm not, or the feeling of having to explain myself when it's not me who has the issue. All of it is dumb, and I know it. That doesn't make it easier to deal with, though.

As I've come to grips with depression and anxiety / social anxiety, I've come to the realization that sometimes things just don't have to make sense. Sometimes there isn't a reason that things are the way they are. I do know the behaviors that have gotten me here today, and my goal is to get away from these behaviors that cause the crippling levels of anxiety and the spirals down into depression.

I always tell people if they have questions about something pertaining to me to simply ask. Someone did that with me at work a couple of days ago and it was a smooth conversation. I answered their question, and all was well in the world. Hopefully I can get more people to do that, or just accept that people will talk the rumor mill without just asking the questions.

Life goes on as always.

Articulation.

2015-09-28T02:30:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, it's really hard to articulate your thoughts.

It's like you're thinking about something but you're not really sure what words to use... or if there are even words out there you can use to articulate said thoughts. It gets confusing too, because then you wonder to yourself if what you're feeling is really what you're feeling. Are you stuck in this world of ever-revolving thoughts where sentences mean nothing and feelings are stretched and twisted?

It gets confusing at times.

It definitely gets anxiety-ridden at times.

I've been at work and have heard this from people a lot:

- "Stop being so angry."

- "Why are you so angry all the time?"

- "What about life has you so pissed off at the world?"

The irony behind those statements is that 97% of the time I'm not even angry or irritated about something. It's not until someone poses that thought to me that I do become irritated or upset, mostly at myself. I start thinking.... "Am I angry about something? Why is my facial expressions leading others to think I'm angry? Is there some hidden anger coming out through my face?"

I feel like those moments could be those times where I can't articulate my feelings, but they're written on my face, and since I never look in the mirror, I never see truly how angry I appear on the outside.

This is an example of what I go through every day I wake up. I'm barely out of bed half the time and I'm already lost in my own thoughts. I'm already wondering if I can make it through the day, and I'm already doubting my ability to do what is in front of me. Usually that begin with a morning walk with my stepmother, and ends with a car drive home from work. Between the two, so many things happen that shape and make up my day as a whole..... most of them planned, others are not. The perspective I hold is that things are happening and I just need to make it to the next day or the next step somehow.

Every day I wake up I wonder how I present myself to the world. I wonder about how I look on the outside, and if that is a true reflector of how I am on the inside. Happiness is something I try to project into the world, in the hopes that the good karma I put out results in good karma for my life. I want others to be happy even if I can't be, because at least seeing someone else smile can put a smile on my face, even for a moment. I don't know if there is a "Master Plan" for me or whatever my life is set to mean, but I just want to put as much happiness into the world as I can. At my core, that's my being and that's what I want to do.

It's not really a secret that I've been stuck in this mindset where I just don't really care about things anymore. For so long I cared about so many things and people, and no one gave that care back honestly. I devoted time to things and no one else cared. Generally it bothered me but I continued to care, because if no one is going to, nothing will get done. It finally got to the point where I just stopped. I was wasting energy and time, and no traction was gained. Most of it was due to just being mentally exhausted and drained from so many things.

I still want to put good things out to the world, but I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. And now I'm just merely existing at this point.

I get pushed around like the low man on the totem pole.

I get yelled at for things I have zero control over.

I feel like my constant actions are being scrutinized with a fine-tooth comb.

I feel like I have no respect from people I give my 100% respect to.

My nice and hard-working nature are constantly taken advantage of to the point where it's ridiculous.

I exist to survive, to make it to the next day, next hour even. I spent more time looking at the time and wondering what is next, instead of driving myself forward. To lose that drive is to basically lose the will to do anything.

And yes, I'm pretty sure someone will come back and say "Well you have to find that drive in yourself, because no one else will. "

Truth to your statement, and to that I say this....

To find that drive in yourself, you must have some form of self-value and self-worth.

To find that drive in yourself, you have to be able to believe in yourself.

To find that drive in yourself, you have to have support from people, and know it exists in more than words. You can't do it alone.

All that for me is in the pits.

I get yelled at because I don't take the trash out at someone else's interpretation of a full trash can.

I get yelled at because there isn't enough water in the fridge.

I fear coming home to find my room in a state of disarray because someone thinks my room isn't clean enough.

I'm told on a constant basis that I need to get a girlfriend and be in a relationship, because that determines my worth as a man.

I feel like crap at work sometimes because it's so busy there isn't enough time to think, let alone accomplish any important tasks.

I've been made to feel like any mistake I make is completely unacceptable, and not in the way of helping to improve.

I get behind on what I want to accomplish, and when I try to explain why, I feel as though people just think I'm making up excuses.

I shoulder a lot of blame on my shoulders for things that I didn't do, but have to take the fall for because it's "in my area."

Confidence, worth, and value are things I struggle with, and constantly. I've been beaten down for so long by people around me it's hard for me to see the truth. I have a hard time trusting people because I've been let down so many times. I've had people that I've trusted with my life break that trust at the snap of a finger.

Honestly? It sucks.

I went back and read the blog from my trip to Georgia. I could literally see the happiness dripping from each word on the page, as if a glimmer of light shone through the cracks. And then to read the blog from a month ago after I'd been back, and to see the sadness and disappointment in myself really made me wonder if it's going to be this roller coaster effect of emotions of happiness for a while.

I just can't really care anymore. I'm tired of caring when I'm the only one, or at least one of the very small few, that does care. I'm so emotionally cut off from my feelings I can't really even tell you how I truly feel half the time. Only when I get truly excited about something does the inner emotions shine through.

So, I need to figure out a way to get out of this "I don't really care" mood. I mean, I'm not falling backwards or anything (luckily), but I'm not really progressing either.

Also, it sucks when you feel like your niceness and dedication are constantly being taken advantage of. I work hard but I feel like I'm going nowhere and it gets swept under the rug.

We'll see. September's going well (or has gone well so far) and October is around the corner. What happens next is a thing that'll happen.

Pre-Vacation.

2015-08-14T17:41:00.003-04:00

It certainly has been a while since I've written a blog post. I'm pretty sure the last one was from my trip to Georgia. I feel like I shared a lot of positivity from that trip, in hopes of it trickling down and its after-effects.

It didn't take long for things to wear down and for things to return to where they were, pre-vacation.

I think a lot of it has to do with self-value and self-worth. Today at work I just had this overwhelming feeling of under-appreciation and over-worked feelings. Like... I work hard, and I know I work hard, but it feels like I never gain any traction and I never get to accomplish anything I set my mind to do. Mentally I just can't focus on the double-teamed aspects of my job right now, despite my desire to do so, and I'm at a crossroads as to what to do. I also was told I was being "dramatic" which doesn't help the feelings and mindset in the slightest. Honestly it just sucks.

On my drive home last night, the pressing thought in my mind was, "Why do I care so much if it feels like no one else cares about me?" Going back to working hard, I honestly feel sometimes no one really cares. Why do I stress out about trying to resolve an issue when everyone is just lackadaisical about it.... just "meh, we'll get it done eventually" type mentality? What difference does it make if I just didn't care?

The problem here is that I get so wrapped up in trying to help others and trying to fix all the things thrown into my lap and trying to resolve the issues set on my desk...... there's no energy or anything to even think about myself.

For instance, I bought myself a Mac mini for my room. I've been eyeing them in Best Buy for at least the last 2 months, and I finally cracked and bought one. I got a wireless keyboard and the Mouse Trackpad to go along with it. The goal is to migrate my iTunes library and mirror it on the Mac mini, so that I can watch movies and zoom the web from a single device without having to link all things together and blah blah blah.

The Mac mini -- and everything else -- is just sitting in the corner in my room, plastic wrapping still on the box. I haven't had the energy or care to set up something I've been wanting as a gift to myself. I haven't even opened the boxes.

I come home from work, and I sit in my desk chair, and just.... sit there. I don't do anything, I don't even take off my work clothes. I literally just sit in my desk chair, and honestly, I can't tell you what I do because I don't even remember half the time. I feel like I crank up a YouTube video. Maybe Chromecast some videos off YouTube. This time would be a fantastic time to catch up with friends, respond to texts I got from friends back East (even if they're asleep), but all I can do is the most mindless things.... the things that don't require me to exert any energy.

All I thought about on the drive home from work is that I need to stop caring. I need to stop caring about everyone else, everything else, because why should I care if they don't? Why should I care if no one else does? It's wearing me down in more ways than one, and everyone else is successful. It just doesn't make too much sense for me right now. The saying goes that the nicest ones are the ones who are taken advantage of the most, which seems more and more true the further along things go. I know not everyone does or even means to, but it doesn't negate the fact it actually happens.

Right now I should be excited. One of my closest friends just asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding to another close friend of mine. I'm looking at traveling back to Georgia twice next year... once in April, and again in June. But right now all I can think about is how mentally drained I am right now and how there seems to be no end in sight, or at least a catalyst to improvement.

Maybe a day off from work will help. Hopefully one of these days all the good karma I keep trying to put into the universe will pay off.

The Trip of a Lifetime.

2015-06-08T09:07:00.001-04:00

I remember looking at the month of May as this long, yellow-bricked road, with lots of potholes and missing bricks, slowing down time until I reached the end, and the ultimate day: May 29th.

I hopped on a plane, flew 3,000 miles away from where I live, and hopped back into the world I knew, and the world where I felt most comfortable. I knew it would go by fast, and I knew at the end of it, I would leave not wanting to go back, but like all vacations, there comes a point where you have to go back and jump start your daily life.

As I was leaving Fayetteville this morning on the search for a Starbucks to park myself at, I wondered what was next for me. I was obviously sad as I drove by my friend Kelson's current place of work, knowing it would be at least 10 months before I'd see him again. But as I kept driving up Highway 54, I thought about my journey over the next 10 months, and what I want to do for myself. And the more I drove, the more I thought about the changes I hope to make.

In a way, this trip, even though it flew by faster than I wanted, served the purpose I hoped it would.

It gives me a drive and a goal to strive for.

It's no secret that I pretty much had lost my will to do a damn thing. I went to work, I came home, I sat in my room, and that was it. I talked to my friends, but I didn't go anywhere nor do anything. I didn't want to. I felt like I was going to be stuck in California for the rest of my life with no way out and a mundane lifestyle. What was the point, I thought?

Over the last 10 days, I've seen my friends who I haven't seen in 3 years.... or, as many as I could in a short time. I met new people, and put voices and IRL faces to the texts I've sent over the last 2 years. I drove everywhere, saw everything, did as much as I could.... and it was glorious.

I couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning to see what was next on the list of things to do. Even if that meant just sitting in the living room with Kristin while we talked about everything, or walking downstairs to see the Van Gunst family, it was something.

June 6th was a pretty remarkable day. Two friends committed their lives together in a hand of marriage (congrats Britt and Nicole!!) and I got to be a part of a day that ended with two friends beginning the next journey of their lives together.... AND take impromptu engagement photos (congrats Kylan and Kelson!!).... all in all a pretty great day.

It didn't matter what we did, I was just happy to be there. I even managed to fall asleep in complete darkness and silence, something in my life I thought was never possible. I even managed to find the bit of faith I thought I never would regain by visiting a church out here.

All of it was glorious. I feel like my life has a purpose again. Even if that purpose is to get to 2016 so I can get my butt back to Georgia, it is a drive that will propel me forward. That is what I've been looking for over the past 3 years.

I set a goal, and I accomplished it. Even though I'm sad in a way because I know today that I'm leaving, I'm also ready to get back, so I can start the task of saving as much as I can so I can get back here in 2016.... and potentially twice!

I'm sitting in Starbucks, and I've got one more friend to see. She's someone who I've actually known for quite a while, and I remember long phone calls over summer breaks about pretty much a lot of things. It'll be the last thing I do before the unwind begins: rental car return, check-in at the airport, and hope on a plane to head back to Fairfield, California.

I'm sad to leave. But this truly has been the trip of a lifetime. I'm glad I committed to making this happen, and not letting my fears and my disdain for the unknown get in my way. It's amazing what a simple plane ride across a big hunk of rock, water, and land mass, and several swipes of a credit card can do for a person's psyche. Like.... I'm ready to get back in the gym tomorrow! I'm ready to get into photography and improve on my craft. I'm ready to go balls-in at work, and give my co-workers the 100%+ that they deserve from me. I'm just ready.

Who knows, after 2016, I may save up for a trip to Europe, my dream vacation. I have started the process of getting my passport, which I need to hop back on once I'm back in California.....

10 months. Let's rock it out, guys.

Closure.

2015-04-09T01:48:00.000-04:00

Over the last couple of days I've had to process a life event that I wouldn't dare wish on anyone, and even now as I'm coming to terms with what happened, it's still something that, years from now, will be something I won't forget.

Monday evening, driving home, I ran over a dead body on Highway 99 North.

I was driving home from work shortly after 9pm, following behind my boss, like I always do. He lives in Yuba City, so we take a similar way home; him heading up I-5, me heading towards I-80. We both have to go up Highway 99 out of South Sacramento though, so we typically get in line with each other -- him typically leading, me following -- and go our separate ways once we're on US-50. This night wasn't out of the ordinary.... except it was.

As we approached 47th Avenue, my boss -- the car ahead of me -- swerved sharply. Before I could react, I saw an object, motionless, lying on the road in front of me, and with little time to react, hit said object on the road with the right side of my car. My car went up in the air, then came back down, and I re-gained control. Kinda in shock and confusion at this point, I kept going for another minute until I reached an area I knew I could turn around at (and figuring out that somehow my car was still driveable).

I pulled over into a gas station, and before I got out of my car, my boss called me. He had hit the same thing I did, and was calling to make sure I was okay and to figure out where I was.

As I got out of my car and walked around to the passenger side, I saw blood on the front bumper of my car and streaks of blood on my fog lights.

Actual blood.

Again, not really able to still comprehend what happened, my boss pulled up to where I was and got out to look at his car and mine. At that exact moment, another motorist pulled into the same gas station I was at, and pretty much confirmed my worst nightmare:

"There's a dead body lying across Highway 99! I just ran over someone's dead body across Highway 99! Oh my God.....[more words]"

My boss and I went back to the scene, where CHP officers had reduced the lane of travel down to 1 around the accident scene. Ambulances were on scene, and there was a fire truck heading to the scene. My boss and I got back on that side of the highway and went up to the back end, pulled off, and approached an officer.

At this point I can't tell you exactly what I was saying or said. I'm pretty sure I was mentally rambling at this point to my boss and trying to keep myself sane. I remember looking down the road and seeing a white tarp covering what was left of the remains of the person who we had hit. I remember talking to the officer and showing him my ID, registration, and insurance. I remember talking with him about what I saw, and I remember him telling us the likely scenario of what happened and how that person ended up lying across the No. 2 lane, at that point already dead from being hit by other vehicles. He took down our phone numbers and told us we may receive a call from the CHP Investigating Officer with more questions about what we saw, and we were free to go.

As we left the scene I remember looking back at the scene as I was driving by. The extent of what I saw I wouldn't dare write here, but I know under that tarp was not a resemblance of a human being anymore. I also saw another co-worker's car, who was behind us when we left work, ahead of the accident scene, on the side of the road. It wasn't until a few minutes later when I called her that I found out that she too had hit the same dead body not even 10 seconds after we did.

I drove home. No music playing in my car, no sense of relaxation. Pure silence.

Tuesday was a blur to be honest. I went to work (somehow) and I couldn't stop spacing out. I couldn't really focus on too much, and I remember the latter half of my shift I pretty much faked it through just to keep my mind focused on something else. I felt okay, but I just couldn't wrap my head around doing a single task. By 6pm, I pretty much gave up on doing anything. I did talk to yet another co-worker who all but witnessed the beginning of these tragic events, only he was one who saw this person still alive, and in a different lane. It kinda answered a lot of question I had swirling through my head after that point, and it was then that I began to process what happened somewhat.

I'll never fully be able to fully process what happened Monday night. I'll come to terms with it and move on, but there's no way you can process this event in its full extent. This isn't something you do every day. It's not even something I'd expect you to ever do period. But it's something that's happened to me and I'll move on from it.

You're probably asking why I'm typing this out in blog form. The answer? Closure. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that I had nothing to do with that person lying across the No. 2 lane on Highway 99 North. I know that I couldn't have done anything differently than what I did to avoid that person on the highway. There isn't anything I could have changed. But for the rest of my life I'll be connected with that person, having been a witness to the worst thing to happen to that person. The situation in general sucks, no matter how you look at it. But I have to move on and move forward.

For me to type this out means I'm doing everything I can to move forward. I'm talking about it, I'm sharing my feelings, I'm saying I'm not okay when I'm really not okay. I saw my dad for the first time since Sunday this morning, and I shared the entire circumstance with him; he even told me he was sorry I had to go through this, and that I'll never fully process it, but I'll be able to move on.

The pain and sorrow I feel will fail in complete comparison to the hurt that person's family is feeling right now, this I know. That phone call is the worst kinda imaginable. My heart goes out to the family in every way possible.

I'm angry at that motorcyclist for driving under the influence. I'm angry with him because of his decisions and poor choices. Because of him he cost the life of his passenger. Because of him this person doesn't get to go home to their family. Because of him the lives of at least 12 people have forever been altered in ways previously unimaginable. It's hard not to be angry at someone whose actions cause the death of someone else.

As for me, again I'll move forward. I'll get past this moment in my life and focus on new ones. I do have a funeral coming up for my aunt, so that's another thing heavy on my mind. But this is just a moment in life that's taken me back and internally has me asking questions.

Just hope for the best. Keep me in your thoughts. Like the saying goes, "This too shall pass."

Anxiety: A Word Vomit-Inducing Blog Post.

2015-03-02T00:28:00.002-05:00

At work on Saturday, I'm doing my workly duties and being a good Associate, or at least the best Associate I can be. Out of nowhere someone says something to me and instantaneously I could feel myself lose grip with the anger that has come out of absolutely nowhere and I'm about ready to unleash the beast in that office.

Which, to be fair, I did do. A bit. Shortly thereafter I starting feeling, internally, signs of going through multiple anxiety attacks, while still at work. Couple that with some heartburn and it made the end of my week incredibly not enjoyable. Even today, at random points I could feel myself on the brink of anxiety attacks all day, and my body is on a sensory overload where every tinge just hurts.

That... well, this.... was (/is) the culmination of a rather tumultuous week where I struggled to maintain a grip on anything and everything around me. I found myself getting upset on several occasions, and with that level of anger and depression, my anxiety began to rise to where I felt incredibly awkward and incredibly anti-social. I know my co-workers have noticed a change in my overall attitude, and while I've done my best to do what I can to keep it at bay, it becomes increasingly difficult when you feel like no one listens to what you're saying.

It's been a rather weird couple of weeks. I've been up and down when it comes to overall attitude. There are moments of clarity and happiness, then moments where I'm down and would rather be a recluse. I was talking to someone about the fact that I haven't had any form of a vacation or been outside of the Sacramento or San Francisco Bay Areas for over 2.5 years, which wears you down. I've dealt with a lot of things since I moved out to California and to say that things have been smooth would be a definite lie. Basically it's time for a vacation and I'm working hard to make that happen.

My main thing is stress and anxiety. It's crippling. As soon as it gets triggered I literally sink into my own little burrow and I have to pull myself back out again. Right now I feel like I'm in a pressure-cooker situation where I carry multiple hats and am expected to maintain them both. Even when asking for help it never comes easily or without struggle. I guess I was spoiled in how things would easily come to me in the past, and things now have been a struggle.

I want to focus on my personal development, which sucks. I feel like I'm not where I want to be with my personal growth. I'm use to being able to dedicate my free time, even at home, to think about what I can do better and what things I can improve on, and instead all my thoughts are dedicated to aspects of my job and things that automatically stress me out. There are so many things I know I can do better, but not sure where to even think about starting. That makes me sad to even think about.

I guess the main thing is just admitting that I have high anxiety at times. I work best in pressure situations, surprisingly, because I shut everything off around me and focus on what's in front. It wears me down to where I'm just at my raw self: I work my butt off and I don't give a damn about what is around me, and I ignore everything (and everyone) around me. But there are the other times where I get incredibly anxious and mentally overwhelmed that I just shut down, complete opposite of what I know I'm capable of. You can't really help those moments at times.

Even now, I started this blog off with completely opposite intention than what I'm ending it on. My mind goes to a different place whenever I get the word vomit out, I guess. I do know that I struggle with anxiety and depression on the daily, and there are days where all I wanna do is just scream at those around me to leave me alone, but I know I can't exactly do that. Maybe somewhere in these words or in my mind is the answer, but I know that's some ways off.

At least I'm dealing with it and admitting it. It still sucks though.

Off to another month. Here we go, March.

Until next time.

Heading Into 2015: Relationships

2014-12-31T16:38:00.000-05:00

With establishing contact with people again in 2015, the one thing I want to look at as well is relationships. Focus on the relationships that matter most to me, and don't invest energy and time into the relationships that aren't a 2-way street.

Too many times in my life I've focused on the relationships that don't matter, essentially. Those are the ones where the person treats you like dog crap, never bother to check in on you but get angry when you don't check in with them, and essentially treat a friendship as a one-way street. Too many times in my life I've given all I have into a friendship only to be treated, in my view, like I'm not worth your time. I will say in 2014 that I didn't give much attention to those kinds of people, but on the inverse I probably didn't devote the time and effort to a lot of my friends that I should have or could have.

In a way, I almost view it as getting to know someone again. And that can be kinda cool when you think about it.

I think a lot of times I got caught up in my life. Work life is very interesting and can be taxing at moments. A lot of things happened in my family life that completely altered my viewpoints there. The constant has been my friends, with whom I spend a lot of time talking to and essentially venting to. So I feel like it's only appropriate to give them that same value in return.

Heading into 2015, I want to focus on those relationships that matter. As I beef up the contact, along with that just comes the natural feeling of friendship. I feel pretty fortunate to have the friends that I do have; a vast majority of those people are nearly 3,000 miles (or more) away fro me. And somehow our friendships have stood the test of time and distance. Those people, the ones who have been that constant, are the relationships that deserve great attention.

At the same time too, knowing that I'll probably be in California for some time, I should also take note of the friendships I've formed here as well. Being at CarMax has definitely exposed me to people I probably wouldn't have seen otherwise, and through that, I feel I've started (or have formed) bonds with people that are pretty cool.... some more influential than others, but have definitely helped to give me a greater sense of self.

In that, I don't want to get so absorbed in keeping contact with those who are thousands of miles away that I lose sight of the people I have right in front of my face. I've done that before, and it hasn't ended well. It's all about finding that balance between both.

It's almost weird thinking that at one point after my move here in July 2012 I thought I'd never make any friends, let alone meet any people, in California.

I think focusing on these relationships will help remind me what I truly do have. And who knows, maybe through that a special someone will peep between the clouds. I guess I'll just have to wait until 2015 to find out. : )

#HeadingInto2015

Heading Into 2015: Contact.

2014-12-29T00:16:00.001-05:00

Goal 1: Contact.

It's pretty much self-admitted that I suck at keeping in contact with people. I think a lot of it comes down to just having the free time to sit down and truly enjoy a conversation with someone and catch up.

As the year winds down, I kinda just wanna catch up with people.

With the numerous birthday posts yesterday (BTW: Thank you for the birthday wishes!) it bought up a lot of people I haven't really talked to in quite a while, for reasons unknown. I feel like a lot of these things happen as people go on their own separate paths, but it's always nice to just sit down and catch up with someone. Sometimes I just forget about the simple things in life, like just talking to old friends.

Today, for instance, I was texting a good friend of mine who I haven't talked to much lately. He PM'd me on Twitter to make sure he had the correct number, and we've just been talking about life and the such throughout the day. I just sent an e-mail to my "surrogate family" with whom I spent a lot of time with when I was in Georgia..... I haven't talked to them in ages, and I specifically remember always calling them whenever I was in California visiting with my family.

I use to be that guy who would never miss a phone call, text message, e-mail, or some form of contact with another person. I wrote letters, sent cards, wrote e-mails, and did whatever to keep contact going with other people. Now days? I have to physically write a note sometimes just to remember to text someone back. Forget phone calls. E-mails? Letters? Cards??

I wanna do better.

So, as I move into 2015, I want to get back to that. I bought a desk for my room as a way to establish a station of focus as well as give myself a place to zen out and focus on things. There's plenty of space (sorta) to crank out a couple of letters now.... which is not a problem considering how much writing I do at work.

Everything I aim to do is to establish contact again. Contact with the ones I'm always around, contact with people I always talk to, and contact with people period. It's easy to forget who your good friends are, even if you've known them for years. Sometimes all it takes is just that one phone call and it's like learning all over again. And it can be great. : )

#HeadingInto2015