Memoirs Of A Crazy Witch

Life happens.

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:01:00 +0000

In my case, it seems to happen a lot. I will not even bother with the " I am so sorry I have not posted in forever!" because I do not even have the energy to spare to be sorry.

A few weeks ago, Jack was at work and working on a van transmission when the transmission slipped off the hoist it was on and almost landed on Jack and his co-worker who was helping him. They both made a lunge to catch it to keep it from crushing them, but Jack caught the heavy end and most of the weight. He tore his back up really bad, and after his well meaning but clueless boss makes him wait for a week to go to the doctor, then taking 2 more weeks to get him in to have an MRI, fights with the doctor about medicine for pain before they got the results of the MRI back, getting the results back of the MRI ( not good ) trying to get him the referral for an orthopedic surgeon and/or a neurologist, dealing with him not being able to lift more than ten pounds and having to rearrange the house accordingly, him being stubborn and not wanting to sit around and do nothing, as he was told to do from his doctor, me not being able to help much and Alex having to be his biggest helper, it has been hectic since just before Christmas.

The results of the MRI are he screwed up his L4 and L5, and the S1 and S2 and I think S3 in his spine. He has FOUR bulging discs and one possible herniated disc, and his nerves are being crushed in between the vertebra. Very painful. The S1 and such are the sciatica nerves..which affect his walking. He has to use a cane, and a lot of the times when he walks his right leg gives out because that nerve ( which runs down your leg ) is being compressed and it disrupts the signal, making his leg buckle. He is in a lot of pain and he is looking at potential surgery. We meet with an ortho or neuro doc tomorrow finally, to find out what the next step is. He is out on Worker's Comp, but he has not gotten paid yet and it is driving him crazy with worry.

So there has been huge lifestyle changes here over the last few weeks, and they are not over yet. The roommate situation has not changed yet, which is partially a good thing and partially a bad thing. I handle it some days better than others, but with every thing going on I am pretty withdrawn these days and have not been very social. I get to have one of those conversations I do not want to have, or have to have, today when he gets home from work, but there is something I can not stand any longer. Not going to add what that is here, sorry folks. I can say when I am upset, but I am not going to throw specifics out there when he also reads my blog.

Which brings me to my next point. Writing. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I had began to write at 750Words.com. Well I have been at it for 25 days now, well...29 technically but I missed the day before Christmas Eve because we were out shopping for gifts, and it reset my daily counter. But 25 days straight with out missing a day. Let me tell you, even though it does make my blog suffer a bit, because I get to brain dump there every morning, I do not think I can ever go without it again. I love being able to freely speak my mind and get those thoughts out of my head, and vent or muse or whatever I want to do, with out having to worry about who I upset or offend or what have you. I love my blog, but there is a lot I can not write about because so many of my friends and a few family members read my blog, at least some of the time. Plus, I am the type that can be SO mad at you or whatever today, and be totally fine tomorrow once I get over it or think about it or what ever, so me posting those feelings and thoughts on my blog would be counter productive because by the time my friends read the post, chances are I am over it already, but then they get all bent out of shape over what I said and a nasty cycle starts. With 750 Words I do not have to worry about it. I can rant and rave, or pour my heart out or just spout off what ever crap runs through my brain at any given moment, release it, and move on. Very therapeutic for me. So even though I have not been writing here much, I HAVE been writing every day, and that is a change for me. I even joined the January writing challenge and I am already signed up for next month's as well. I am hoping that after all this crap is done with in my personal life that the brain dump and daily writing will let me be a better blogger. I want to change things up a bit, so I have a lot of thinking to do on that.

But for now, I must go, because it is time to get Alex ready for school. I will update about Jack once we know more. If I have any readers left, thanks for hanging in there. It will get better soon.

I survived the Holidays!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 04:14:00 +0000

No, I am not a Scrooge or anything, I am just not a big fan of the holidays. Too much stress for my taste.

Having said that, this year was not too bad. Typical family drama, Mom and Dad were fighting like cats and dogs, nothing unusual there lol. It would not be Christmas without some kind of drama! At least no one had to take a trip to the hospital this year, as is the norm. ( One of my parents almost ALWAYS end up in the hospital some time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, thankfully there was none of that this year..) The kids had a decent Christmas and that is all I really care about.

Still, I am glad it is over and I can breathe easier for another 11 months. I do hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Hmm...not much else really happening around here. I have been writing in my 750words posts...I have been in brain dump mode as opposed to blog mode, which is okay. At least I am still writing. I have only missed one day in the last eight, and that was because Jack and I did not get home until after ten Friday night and I was exhausted. We did not eat until 11:30 that night and we fell into bed shortly there after. Alex spent Friday night with my parents so we could finish up our shopping and we spent most of the day Saturday wrapping. Well, Jack wrapped, I boxed lol. I did not inherit that "perfect gift wrapping" gene, but Jack did thank goodness lol.We went over to Mom's that night ( Christmas eve ) and unwrapped gifts and took Alex home so she could get her stuff from "Santa." Sunday we went back to Mom's for dinner..which was a normal yet awesome dinner, which was fine with me. No reason to cook for three days prior and spend hours cleaning up when it is just us, and we never eat all that food anyway.

Jack spent most of the day building a door to go over our built in pots and pans cabinet. He only got half of it done but I can already tell it will be great when he is finished. I washed all the laundry today, including the bedclothes and put them away, and I made an awesome pot of chicken and dumplings for dinner. Other than that I got a few hours of Skyrim in, which was nice. I usually let the guys play but I was in the mood to play, so I did.

Tomorrow I have some cleaning to do ( I am in that " throw everything away" stage again, should be interesting ) and then I might play some more. I need to get things squared away in my bedroom because I want to go ahead and paint in there since we are not going to be moving anytime soon. I have been quietly stressing about not being the typical artist...like I said before, I do not knit or crochet or craft and things like that...but I am a great cook, a good writer, and I am a pretty good homemaker when I have the energy and my ankle does not hurt...so that is just the kind of artist I am. I am okay with that. I can paint a wall, paint an abstract picture, cook up a storm, and arrange and decorate my house to my liking. Those are my tangible talents. They are pretty good ones to if I do say so myself. If in 30 years Alex can look back and say " Mom was always there, I always had great food to eat, my clothes were always washed, I had everything I needed, and she was there for me.." well then, my life was worth something! No need to stress out over talents I never had, or might never have. I will just embrace the ones I DO have. So there.

So yeah, I need to go through my cabinets and my pantries and get rid of some stuff and dust them out and rearrange. I also need to weed through my closet once again and donate some of our stuff that we do not wear anymore. I went through a lot of Alex's clothes a week or so ago, and now it is time for our stuff.

Other than that things have been pretty typical around here. I will be glad when Alex goes back to school on the 5th, I will tell you that lol. Hopefully in a month or two I will get my alone time back and will feel a little more like myself. Not that I am a mess or anything..I will just be glad to get back to "normal" or at least what passes as normal around these parts lol.

Have a great week folks!

Self Doubt...or something like it...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:00:00 +0000

I consider myself a writer. A pretty good one, if I do say so myself. I am not a "light" blogger as I have heard in blogging circles, meaning I do not usually throw out a couple of paragraphs and call it a day. I am a "meaty" or "heavy" blogger, meaning I write long posts, usually about daily life but sometimes about deeper things. It also means that I tend to write more when I am going through a heavy time period, either good or bad. It is good inspiration for me. I always want to write more, but sometimes I find myself with nothing to write about, nothing I think anyone else will want to read. So I rather be quiet than just yammer away about nothing, but I still long to write.

My friend Luna added me to a very interesting group on Facebook for women writers, it is a place of encouragement and acceptance and I really enjoy it. I love to find writing groups, and challenges, inspiration sites, prompts, things like that. I have a confession however. I feel intimidated by that group, and the people I have met through my writing, especially here as of late. Not the people themselves per se, because they are all wonderful people, but I am intimidated by their work. These women are life coaches, crafters, artists, poets, novel writing types. I am none of those things. I am a life blogger. I blog my life, because that is what I know. I paint, in abstract, because I can not draw, but I have not picked up a brush in years. I am not a poet. I have tried, and written some okay things, but it is not natural for me. It does not feel right. I can write fiction, but again, it is not natural to me. I can not sew, or knit, or crochet, even though I have tried to learn. I cook, and I am damn good at it, but I am afraid to put my recipes and pics out there because while it tastes wonderful, it does not look good enough to me to post. So I spend a lot of time wondering where do I fit in, where is my place is that group of remarkable women and people?

I am confident in myself for the most part, which is why this is a bit perplexing to me. I know how valued I am in my circle, but when my circle expands, I get something like stage fright. I do not feel that I am not good enough, but I do feel like I have nothing to offer these amazing people, because I do not bring any of the things they bring to the table. I feel I have nothing to offer them, because there is no artistic common ground. I can connect with them emotionally and spiritually I suppose, but I have that intimidation feeling and I do not like it. So it makes me wonder where do I fit in in the grand scheme of the writing world.

One thing that has been new and fun and helpful over the last couple of days I learned of through that group I mentioned. One of the members posted about 750 Words, which is a website that lets you journal basically, privately. No one else can read your words, and it lets you basically do a brain dump, and just get all the clutter out of your head so you can carry on about your day. The goal is to write at least 750 words a day, and it tracks you, and gives you little badges and visual rewards for consecutive days, word counts, things like that, as well as writing challenges from time to time. It also breaks down each day you post, and gives you fun little statistics of your post, like how you seemed to be feeling, how long it took you to reach 750 words, what your words per minute is, most common words, fun stuff like that. Other people can see those stats, but they can not see the post it was written about. I really like that and while I am only on my second day, I see myself using it daily. It certainly has helped me get rid of the mental clutter so I could blog the last couple of days.

I also signed up for a writing challenge for January that another friend invited me to participate in through Facebook, called A River Of Stones '12 and from what I understand it is a writing challenge to make you more aware of your life and the things around you. Click the link for more information.

I guess what I really want to know is am I an artist and of so, what kind am I? What kind of writer am I? I am not a "Mommy Blogger" nor am I one of those women who travel or write about fashion or things like that. I do not "make things" so I am not a crafter or whatever they call themselves..( But I sure wish I was! )

So...where do I fit in?

Pieces of Me...(Long)

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 17:31:00 +0000

I have been thinking again.

We all know how dangerous that can be. *Grins*

Seriously though...over the last few weeks, lots of small things have happened, and while I only gave it a passing thought at the time, I am the type of person who chews on things subconsciously, until one day it becomes this huge thing in the front of my mind and I have no choice but to focus on it.

Two posts ago I wrote about how I was struggling, but did not consider myself depressed. I still do not. I have been thoughtful, not depressed.

Over the last week, things have happened that made me take a look at myself again, which is not always a good thing, but sometimes it works out alright.

What started this particular train of thought was the fact that a "friend" decided to no longer be in my life. I understand why it happened and I am okay with it, I am not upset nor do I have any hard feelings or ill wishes towards that person...but it got me to thinking about how I came across to other people. I have wonderful and loyal true friends, who accept me for what I am, no matter what it is, even if they do not understand it. It does not matter if I am being a bitch, or an emotional wreck, or in sarcastic mode, or if I am just "normal" for me...they are there and love me anyway.

I have always been a blunt person, and until this year I was pretty brutal with it. I did not care what you thought of it, I was going to tell you either way. Now, I have a little compassion with it, and I temper it down some, depending on the person. I figured out you can not beat someone over the head with something and expect them to see things the same way you do. However, those true friends understood how I was, and while they might not have liked it when it was directed at them, they still accepted it and loved me anyway. I have been told I come across as a know it all, and that I "lecture" people. This actually surprised me. I never realized being smart would bother people, and I never realized that trying to get people to see things from other points of view ( not even MY view, just one other than their own ) was considered a bad thing. Yes, I am very (self ) educated and I know a lot about many different things. I take pride in that fact. I never thought it could be perceived in a bad way. I never spout random things out there. If I tell you something as fact, you can be damn sure I have done my homework, researched for countless hours, made sure what I said was just a true as I could, BEFORE I said it. If I am not sure of something, I will say so. I do not put my own feelings out there and try to pass them off as fact. Truth is truth. Opinion and emotion are just that, opinion and emotion, and it colors everything we think and do. I am much more comfortable dealing in cold, hard facts than I am in dealing with emotional backlash, especially in other people. I understand more now that no matter what is true or not true, there are people out there who will see any outside opinion as an attack on their own being. They take it personal. I understand why. One of the few ways to set me off instantly is to question my intelligence. It pisses me off BECAUSE I am so damn thorough about my research and when I say something as fact, you can bet your bottom dollar I have made sure beyond any reasonable doubt in my mind that what I say is true. If it is an opinion of mine, and not provable fact, I will say so. SO I understand how people can take things personal, even if most of the time I say I do not know why. I do not count on other people taking my words and using an emotional filter to process them, because I do not do that. So that was a bit of a learning process.

I better understood that sometimes people do not mesh well. This is not the first time this has happened to me, I guess I am not an easy person to be friends with at times, because I am not one to take anything at face value. I have to dig under the surface, I have to know what it behind it or under it. I over analyze things, I am fully aware of that, but it works for me. I am better able to see outside of myself than other people can. That does not make me better, it just makes me different. So for someone to say I come across as a bossy know it all who lectures people into doing what *I* want them to do threw me for a loop. Mostly because unless it directly effects me, I do not give a rat's ass what people do with their lives. All I want is for people to try to put themselves in other people's shoes, because you have no idea what life is like for that person. Do not blast someone who has something you do not have, or if they have a condition that you might also have, but they get help for it and you do not. You may have the same thing but you still have no idea how that person handles things. Take depression for instance. I have depression issues. I am bi-polar. I know a TON of people who also have depression issues and are also bi-polar. You know what? No two of us are anything alike in how we handle it. We can all relate to each other, but the truth is, not a single one of us handles it in the same exact way one of the others do. It is impossible, because we are all different. We are all unique...just like everybody else. If everyone is unique and special, does that not also mean that NONE of us are unique and special? I have my own talents. You have your own talents. Joe Blow down the street has his own talents. Does that make me better than them? Does that make them better than me? No. It means we are all valid, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. We are just different. So my talents, if you will, are that I am smart and I have the ability to see things from someone other than my self's point of view. Maybe because I do not put that emotion into it..it comes across as a lecture. It makes sense. But anyone who has known me longer than five minutes also knows that I am not an outwardly emotional person, and that logic is king in my world, and everything that comes out of my mouth probably reads like a term paper. If you really care about me, you deal with it. You overlook it, accept it, work around it, talk about it with me, whatever. But you DEAL with it. I might think you are three steps away from a straight jacket and a Thorazine drip, but if I care about you, I DEAL with it. I admittedly have a hard time knowing how to respond to people who have high emotions...I am horrible at offering condolences and outward displays of sympathy or other such emotions. I can't ever seem to find the right words to say, they sound so flat. But I still FEEL sympathy and I have compassion for what you are going through, I do my best to relate and understand. Just because I do not plaster a 3 page letter of how sorry I feel for you somewhere does not mean I do not care. That is just not the type of person I am. It does not make me WRONG, it makes me different.

I was told on more than one occasion by more than one person that I am to closed off, I do not reach out enough, if I am hurting I do not reach out to someone else to help so therefore I was pretty much a shitty person. Um, what? So if my way to deal with pain and hurt and such are to go within and try to figure it out for myself, that makes me a bad person? No, what is means to me is that I did not allow you the opportunity to make YOURSELF feel better by trying to help me. It means you did not get to "prove" to me ( or everyone else if it is in a public forum ) how great of a friend you are. It tells me you do not really care that I am hurting, you are just upset that you did not get to give yourself an ego boost at my expense.

If I need help, or to talk to someone, I ask. I am not a martyr. I know my shortcomings and take full responsibility for them. However, I do not apologize for them. They are what makes me uniquely me, and either you can deal with that, or you can't. No hard feelings either way. That whole " everyone can be friends with everybody" thing is crap. Some people are just not cut out to get along, they are to different and can not find enough common ground to be friends. You know what? That is OKAY! I ( or you, or him, or her ) do not HAVE to be friends with everyone. We like who we like and that is it. In a better world, everyone would be able to TOLERATE everybody...but being FRIENDS with everyone? No. There are folks out there who get along with everyone, and it not because they necessarily LIKE everyone, but they TOLERATE everyone, so they are comfortable in just about any situation, which I think is admirable and awesome. I make no claims to be that type of person though. I have types I love and types I strongly dislike. I am able to tolerate most people pretty well, and when I reach a point to where I can't, I remove myself from the situation. That is why I am not upset with those people who left my life. Because they did what was right for THEM, and when they got to a point where they could not handle it ( in this case handle ME ) anymore, they removed themselves from the situation. It might hurt, it might sting, it might piss me off, or a thousand other emotions, but I understand. I respect that.

I have also been berated ( for lack of a better word ) because I hate talking on the phone, and because I am a bit of a hermit. Okay a big hermit, but I digress. Only a couple of people in my life actually understand WHY I hate the phone and why I am a hermit, the other friends just deal with it, because they love me. Since this is not a conversation I have had with many people, I am going to tell the masses exactly WHY I hate the phone, and why I am a hermit, just in case they wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or thought they knew but really have no clue about the real reason.

First, the phone. People assume I just do not want to talk to them, or I am to busy or I am just a bitch, depending on the day. The real reason is I have a central nervous system condition. It is a lot like Parkinson's disease, but effects different parts. My hands shake often, I have no wrist strength and I have next to no grip anymore. ( No, it is not Carpal Tunnel, been there, done that ) I have problems with my fine motor skills. I can not pick things up in a pincher grasp with my index finger and thumb. Imagine the motion your hand and arm makes if you reach into the freezer to get ice out of the ice bin. You reach in, grab a handful and sort of bend your wrist as you do it, grasping the ice in a fist or in the fingertips....well, I can't do that. I will drop that ice every time, and my hand and wrist will shake so much that I look like I have focused electrocution happening. My hands are horribly weak. I cannot even open a bottle of water or soda or something most of the time, I have to have help. What does that have to do with my hating to talk on the phone, you ask? Well, I have the same problem in my jaw. I have muscle spasms due to the messed up electrical impulses that shoot through my nerves. The more I talk verbally, the worse it is. I will start to stutter in a way...not repeating sounds so much, but I get stuck in the middle of the word, and my mouth will spasm and I look like I am having a stroke. Not only is it embarrassing and stressful to try to NOT do these things when talking to someone, it is painful. My hands hurt. My jaw hurts. My legs do the same thing. They jump. Feels like a cattle prod is stuck to me. So talking on the phone is a particular version of hell I try to avoid at all costs.

My being a hermit is also tied into my condition, but it also goes deeper than that. As far as my condition...my nerves basically misfire, or make connections they are not supposed to, and it makes my skin hyper sensitive. You know how when you get alarmed, the hair on your arms and the back of your neck seem to stand up? Mine is like that all the time. Being hugged is almost painful for me. Touching me in passing makes me just about jump out of my skin. I have also been told by a doctor that my body is negatively charged. Most people have a positive charge. I do not, therefore I "feel" things differently. Things that cause pleasure to most, hugging, cuddling, arms around the shoulders while walking or sitting, make me very very uncomfortable. It sucks. I can hug people and do, but I let go quickly...because the lingering contact is basically over stimulation and it can range from being uncomfortable to downright painful. I have personal space issue...I do not like people right up on me, or " in my face" as I call it, because it is almost like I can feel them touching me before they do. Like their electrical field ( and everyone has one ) conflicts with mine, which makes sense if you consider they fact most people are positively charged and I am negatively charged. I can't wear digital watches. They stop working, or run backwards after a while. So in light of that, being around large groups of people is kind of like someone hitting you all over your body, all the time. Some of the hits are annoying, some hurt..but when you put them all together, it is hell. I don't do crowds largely for this reason. The other reason is mental. I am able to hear people's thoughts sometimes, especially people I am around a lot. I do not do it on purpose, but Jack and I communicate a lot that way ( he can do it too, and hates crowds for the same reason ) and I have shocked Perth more than once since he has been here by responding to something he said in his head only. So put me in a large crowd and it is like I can hear 1000 people all talking at once. Sometimes I can shut it out, sometimes I can not, and when you are bombarded by all that noise, combined with the fact it feels like I have someone zapping me every time they get near me, you can imagine how NOT fun being in a crowd is. So I learned very quickly how to be happy at home. Perth got a little upset at me the other day, because I do not like to go anywhere much unless I have Jack with me. At the time, I explained I just wanted to have the time with Jack, but what I did not tell him at the time is that is goes deeper than that. Jack grounds me. Before you go "Awww how sweet", realize that I mean literally, not just figuratively. Jack does not set my "alarm system" off. He can't wear digital watches either. He is one of the very few people who can hug me and not make me hate it...but even he is not immune to tripping my wires so to speak. He just does it less than others. I have all suspicions that he is also negatively charged. He also helps me block the noise when we go out, he is much better at it than me, probably because he does not have the option to hide like I do, he has to work and therefore he is around people much more than I am, so his shields and defenses are much stronger than mine. Perth has said to me on more than one occasion that I feel safe with Jack, and he is right, but in ways he did not know about. Jack is what grounds me when we go out.

So there are the two biggest things about me that most people do not understand or have the wrong idea about. It sucks, but I have learned to deal with it, and like I said, the people who love me and want to be in my life either also understand, or deal with it anyway, and I love them for it. I know being around me and knowing me are not always easy, and I know I am not for everyone so to speak. I just want people to know that I am not just a cold bitch for the sake of being a bitch. They are defense mechanisms, to a point. The physical ones anyway. As far as how my mind works, the fact that I am logical and not outwardly emotional ( notice I did not say UNemotional, because I have very deep emotions, I just do not air them all over the place, I am not comfortable with it, not even happy ones lol ) is just the way my brain is wired, and I can not help it. I was born with most of it, conditioned from childhood to be this way ( I am so much like my Dad it is scary, I am just better at processing my emotions than he is ) and have conditioned myself to be this way, because it suits me, it works for me. Love me or hate me, this is me, and I can not be something I am not to make anyone else feel better. However, I do not expect anyone else to be something they are not just to please me either. So if you can stand to be in my life, I thank you, and chances are I love you, simply for sticking around. I know how difficult it is to BE me at times, and so I am fully aware that it is difficult to be my friend at times as well.

I have another post to write...it was supposed to be part of this one, but, as so often happens, this one took on a life of it's own and went in a different direction. So I guess I will just write it tomorrow! In fact, that post has to do with writing itself so stay tuned!

Case of the mysterious shrinking underwear..

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 16:16:00 +0000

I am a fluffy gal. Most days, I am perfectly okay with that fact. Until the time comes to buy new clothes, which I do very rarely. Then I turn into a self hating ball of yuck.

Several months ago I bought some new undies. I picked up the wrong size package and it was three sizes larger than the ones I currently had on. When I got home and saw my mistake, I thought well let us see what they look like. Well first of all you could use them for a sail on a ship, and second of all, they were loose, but they still fit. I REALLY needed new undies and did not have the money to go out and buy a new package so I just swallowed my pride and dealt with the slightly big undies. However, every time I put them on, I felt awful. They covered like half my torso, like Steve Urkle pants...but the truth was, they still were able to stay on my body, meaning I had gained more weight. While I am okay being fluffy, I was not okay with being fluffy...er....

Then came the day where I got hurt, and everything changed. I lost weight but could not tell because I lived in loose clothes that were easy to take on and off with a cast, which meant I lived in nightgowns pretty much. Eating was different at my parent's house, which is where I had to convalesce. I did not eat as much, as there were more people in the house to feed than just the three I was used to, plus being in pain and hopped up on pain pills kept my hunger level down ( I would be starving until I actually put food in my mouth, then it would turn to dust in my mouth, horrible feeling ) and at that time, sitting up for the brief time it took me to eat made my foot swell up like a balloon. It was two months after that before I was able to walk normally, and when I was able to do so, I noticed my clothes were looser. Also, the pain pills I was taking also had a large dose of anti-inflammatory medicine in it, so unbeknownst to be, I was loosing water weight like crazy. ( Also, I never realized just how much water weight I HAD. Surprising discovery. )

Well, money is always tight and clothes are expensive so I made a belt out of an old sheer black robe I had and made do. Then Samhain rolled around, and after it came, a store I was in had their Halloween stuff drastically reduced. I got two sweatshirts ( I had like next to no cold weather clothes, being heavy is a good insulator, and with the weight I was losing , I was cold all the time.) and two t-shirts, paid like seven bucks for the whole lot. I was thrilled. I was also thrilled that I had dropped down TWO shirt sizes. I was in a 3X ( which to be fair was a little big, I am not a fan of super tight clothes so I go a little loose ) down to an XL in the t-shirts and a 1X in the sweatshirts. Yay!

I still need new jeans and pants, because the ones I have honestly fall off if I do not secure them with a belt or hitch them up every 5 minutes. Income tax time will take care of those in a couple of months.

However, now that I had lost weight, those slightly to big undies I had been wearing were now WAY to big. When I was shopping for those, I meant to grab a size 11...( I was wearing size 9 which were tight at that point ) and I accidentally grabbed a size 13...those were the ones that were big but fit, much to my dismay. Well last weekend Jack and Alex and I were out trying to price a bike that Alex at the last minute told us she wanted for Christmas ( which after looking at the price I managed to convince her to wait until income tax time, but I feel like crap about it. We just did not have enough warning to save up that kind of cash and still be able to get her something OTHER than the bike, not to mention gifts for my two older kids. ) and I told Jack I HAD to get some undies, the ones I had were just not gonna cut it anymore. So we wander over to that section and I was looking for size 11's, just like last time. Shopping for clothes really pisses me off because all the clothes are for either really tiny women, or really huge women ( and seriously..just because we are big does not mean all we want to wear is sack dresses..we do have style folks, how about making some cute AFFORDABLE clothes for larger people eh? ) so all the sizes were like up to a size 7 and then jumped to a 12 or a 13, which were all "body tone" grandma looking things. Ugh. Apparently if I am not a size two, I can not wear cute undies. Anyway, Jack and I both are walking up and down the three aisles of underthings looking for a size 11 in the style ( high cut ) that I wanted, and neither of us were able to find that size in the cut I wanted. Then he kept bringing over the REALLY cute individual pairs in a size 8 and 9, telling me I would fit, and I was telling him over and over "NO I can't" and I was feeling more and more like a moose, and I finally said screw it, and tried to just leave, but Jack, bless his heart, refused to let me walk away. So then he gives me a " You are beautiful, I love you, and the clothes industry people are asshats" speech right there in the middle of the aisle...and then tries to convince me to get the cute undies I said were to small. I told him it was just wasting money, I would never be able to fit in them, and I finally found a package of size 10 high cut undies. I figured they would be tight, but I could at least keep them on my body. SO I went home all dejected....because I knew he was going to want me to try the cute ones on, and I knew they would look awful and be to small.

So we get home and put up the stuff we bought, and I went to change clothes, and of course he wanted me to try the size 8's on. I would not let him come in the room while I did, because if they were super small or I could not get them on, I was not going to let him see that. I took them off the little hanger thing and put my feet in to them and drew them up to my knees...and to my surprise, pulled them right up over my hips! I repeat, I pulled a size EIGHT pair of undies over my hips. I have not worn a size 8 undies since I was like 20 lol. I called him in and he loved them. I love them. I opened the size 10 multi-pack, and they fit, but are a little loose. I could totally pull off a size 9 in that style. That was awesome, as you can imagine. I fully intend to go purchase more of the cute ones...size 8. *Grins*

Then this morning, Jack stayed home, he and his co-worker had to catch a transmission for a van that slipped off the stand in order to keep it from crushing them, and tore his back up. He was laying in bed with me while I woke up before I had to get Alex up and ready for school, and he had his arm around my waist and he said " My arm sits lower now.." and I said "What?" and he explained that before, when he put his arm over me, it was higher up, and now, his arm kind of draped over my side and hung down, instead of being propped up at an angle, so he could tell in other ways that I had lost weight. So that was a nice little bonus. I guess I will continue to take water pills to help keep the water weight off, since my pain pills are almost gone, and I am eating less in a sitting, and hopefully my ankle will improve so I can go walk again. I am not TRYING to lose weight, but it sure is nice to have it happen!

Thoughts and things...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 15:11:00 +0000

They say depression is one of the most crippling mental and emotional afflictions, and I know this is true, but I have come to believe that apathy is a close second to that.

I am not a fan of this time of year, never have been since I was a small child. Being Pagan I get bombarded with the "Keep the CHRIST in CHRISTmas crap" and usually I keep quiet but this year I had some people directly attack me privately and I kind of snapped...in a passive aggressive kind of way. Posted some things in FB and said some things to people that I would not normally say.

It is a rough time for me right now. Things are so different in my life. Not really BAD...but different, and I do not handle change with as much grace as I would like. I have had a serious attack of apathy. Anyone who knows me also knows that I do not handle outward displays of emotion ( in myself ) very well, and when I get emotional and thoughtful, I usually go within and process it, get it over and done with and move on. Since I can not really do that right now, as I am NEVER truly alone anymore, I have been unable to do what I would normally do to process, and it has taken it's toll. I went from OVER processing...which is funny since half the things I was thinking about had nothing to do directly with me....to not giving a crap about ANYTHING. Unable to feel much, for myself or anyone else. I have stopped talking much, either verbally or online, and obviously I have not blogged. It has been taking a Herculean effort just to function. "But Bella, that is DEPRESSION!" No...it isn't. I am Bi-Polar. I know depression and typical for me up and down swings. I know allll about that shit. This is not the same.

So much has happened, we have a roommate, we found out we are not the roommate type of people, we have been struggling financially ( more so that usual, which has eased up a little since it started ), I found out in November at what was SUPPOSED to be my last doctors appointment for my ankle that two of the 4 places that broke in my ankle have pretty much not healed at all. Now I have to go back in February and see how it has healed, if at all, by then, and if not then they might have to go back in. That is very disheartening. On top of that, I am not doing so well with my ankle right now. It hurts pretty much all the time, and I only have about 5 pain pills left, and my RX has run out. I have been hoarding the pills like diamonds, going to pick up the bottle, see how many are left and decide to just try to deal with it. I can not take over the counter pain meds because they inhibit bone growth. My ankle is stiff and does not want to bend, making every step painful. I still walk, still do my foot exercises, but it is not helping. I owe them almost 20 grand for what they have done so far, and can not afford to pay for it, so they give me the evil eye every time I go in there now. For the few who actually stayed with me while I was originally hurt, they know the horrible depression I sank into. I have blogged about it here. I do not want to return to that place, I am not really sure, as strong as I am, if I could come back out of it. I know pain. I deal with pain daily, and have for years. This trumps all of it. It is hard to deal with it. So...I go within.

Aside from myself and my ankle issues...there has been a big adjustment period on getting used to living with someone I am not married to or did not give birth to. It is not BAD, do not get me wrong, but it is not right for us either. However, there is nothing we can do about it yet and it is frustrating for all of us. My father decided to be an asshat and get involved since he does not like the situation, so that has made things even more awkward.

My eldest daughter brought my life almost full circle. Let us say she is not a little girl anymore and I am fully aware of it, which on one hand makes me feel good that she confided in me, but at the same times scares the hell out of me because I do not want her to slip up like I did and have to go through what I did..I want so much more for her and her life.

A friend of a friend had her baby at 27 weeks...the little fella was only a pound and a half when he was born. He lived 16 days before pneumonia took his little life. I have been sad about that, for the mother and family of course, but it also brought back all those horrible fears I had when I had Alex at 28 weeks, and we did not know how it was going to turn out. Then there is the totally unneeded guilt I feel in the back of my mind, because my child survived, and hers did not. I know that is not my fault but it gives me pause and makes me choose my words carefully. My friends online have been busy, or dealing with their own struggles, and so I have been lonely...yet surrounded by people. "Still sounds like depression to me Bellz.." Yeah I know, but just wait.

I lost a friend recently..sort of. We do not talk anymore, so I guess that is considered losing someone. It is for the best right now, I know that, but I still think about it. Turns out our personalities are just not a good match. I got accused of some not nice things, that I feel I did not do, since they have always been a part of my personality. I was hurt and a little mad at first, but now I am not. It was supposed to happen this way. We served a purpose in each others life when it was needed, and now one or both of us do not need the other anymore. I get it, and hope our lives turn out the better for it. I do not need to have a person active in my life to love or care about a person. This is no different.

On the other side of the coin..someone who left my life when I got hurt has slowly been coming back...and I am conflicted. I am STILL hurt but what they did...but I love this person so damn much, it is almost impossible to resist letting them back in. In my fits of not giving a rats ass about anything, this person will show up and while they are here I am laughing and smiling and happy again, and when they leave I feel myself deflate, for lack of a better term. I try to stay cool and aloof about it...but that is becoming harder and harder to do. I do not want to be hurt again...but I miss having this person in my life. I guess I will take it day by day, but it scares me because one of my exes, the single most influential person in my life thus far, was just like that too. He could devastate me, but I cared so much for him I would always let him back in ( Until I met Jack and every other guy pretty much ceased to exist for me as anything other than friends ) and it never failed, I would get hurt again. This person is like the female version of him, without the romantic issues. Scares me. We all know what an emotional cripple I am, so these types of things are a nightmare come true for me. I try to stay even in my emotional state, and for the last couple of months I have been all over the place. The fucked up part is, I do not want to talk about it with anyone. I am not trying to wallow in it, I just do not want to spend any more effort on it that I already am alone. Especially since about half the things I am apathetic about simply can not change yet.

I have mentioned before that Jack and I have been closer than ever. That is affecting me as well. I despise it when he has to go to work or is away from me, or is sleeping. I know he HAS to do all those things, and do not begrudge him for it...but I miss him ALL the time. THAT is certainly a new feeling for me, since even when I love someone...I am usually okay even if they are not with me. It does not usually bother me. These days however, I count the minutes from the time he leaves until the time he returns, and I am becoming increasingly jealous over my time with him. He loves this fact, he likes me that way...but it is hard for me. For him it is like a gift he has always wanted...me to be outwardly emotional and all...clingy..ish? I, however, hate that crap, so I feel like I am not even myself anymore, and it just throws one more log of bleh on the fire I am trying my best to keep from roaring out of control.

Maybe this is one of those life changing times...you know..where you have your next stage of personal growth, emotional evolution...I do not know. " Nah, just depression Bella.." Okay, fine, maybe it is...but it does not feel like any form of depression I have ever felt before. One one hand it is almost like mourning...like I can feel my life thus far sort of dying and fading away, as the next stage is being born. But on the other hand, it is possible I suffer from the apathy just so I do not succumb to the depression. If I do not let myself feel it, then it can't hurt me or affect me right? Bah. I really do not feel depressed though. Yes, I feel overwhelmed at times and suffocated and want to run screaming away just to get some mental down time..but at the same time I do not. I do know that my headphones and I are going to be better acquainted. Music is my solace and I have been neglecting it as of late since when I put my headphones on I am pretty much shutting myself off from everything around me outside of the music and whatever I am doing at the moment...but that is just to bad. I need it. It settles me. I have been downloading a ton of 80's hair band stuff...kind of taking myself back in a way. I know 32 is not old...but living the life I have, and the brain I have, combined with my broken body feeling it more and more...I feel ancient a lot of the time now.

I am just ready for THIS stage to be over so I can move on to the next...but as a mother, I am well aware that birth is painful...and once it is over that pain usually fades away. What I would not give for an epidural right now though....

Pre-nesting nesting?

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:55:00 +0000

Ah yes, I am still alive. Blogging just seems to be the last thing on my mind these days! Holidays complete with the typical family drama, spending time with Jack, cooking and gaming have been taking up all my time these days.

Notice I did not say cleaning lol.

I have been a little lackadaisical with my cleaning for a while. There is always something going on, always a house full of people and I just pretty much went on a strike. I cleaned what I had to in order to make it presentable. The weather is finally turning cooler for longer periods of time..so of course that makes me want to Fall Clean. Like Spring Cleaning, but better. Because I like cool weather. And stuff.

So for the last..oh 5 days or so, especially in the last two...I have been perusing the interwebz looking for food and cooking ideas, cleaning, decorating, decluttering and who knows what else ideas. Happens every year. In another week or so I will get a wild hair up my ass and clean everything in random fits of energy. Although with an extra person here who has a backwards sleeping schedule than the rest of us, that might not be as easy. That is okay, maybe one day soon I will have the house back and can do what I want to do lol. But yeah, I am getting in the mind frame now so I know what is coming. I am still lacking the physical energy, that will come in a few days.

Tomorrow is my most likely final doctors appointment for my ankle. The plate bothers me some, all of the swelling is gone now for the most part so now I can feel it through the skin, and pressure on that area is still rather painful. Any other time I feel great though, and I mean hell, it has only been three months since I broke it and I have healed quite rapidly all things considered, so I am not complaining. It is just something I have to be a little mindful of. Because if I hit it on something, I will die. Curl up in the floor and bellow like a bovine in labor. Mmhmm.

So yeah. That is what I have been doing. Or not doing...take your pick. I may or may not have also been in a bit of a downswing, and I may or may not be coming around to a slight up swing, so stay tuned, you might see a slew of manic, rapid fire posts soon lol.

Thanksgiving was okay...Dad decided he did not care for our roommate so there was a bit of drama there, but it was still pretty much typical Dad behavior. I got to see my favorite cousin Jimmy, whom I only get to see a couple of times a year, so that was awesome. Food was good. I made my baked cheesecakes per my Mom's request, and I guess they were good. I did not even get a slice of them lol. I am going to make a couple more later this week.

I have been playing Skyrim sporadically, we got it the day it came out...but Perth plays it more than me. I just never seem to find the time to sit there more than an hour or so and in that game it takes that long just to get where you are going, much less do anything lol. I like it though. Also, I tend to let the guys play when they are here, Perth during the day before he sleeps, and Jack at night when he comes home. That does not leave much time for me to play lol. Plus, like I said, every spare moment of the day I am on the computer hunting up recipes and ideas and inspiration lol. I am not that worried about it. The games are not going anywhere.

Winter is usually a creative and productive time for me, and I am looking forward to it. I have felt pretty useless since I got hurt so it is nice to feel that old spark of who I was before I got hurt returning.

Other than that, not much else is going on. Typical friend bullshit, one only comes around when they feel like it, one never has time, one is always on some drama kick, and the rest are just like me, busy and living their lives. Nothing new there lol. Kids came to spend Saturday with me, that was great. But really, other than that it is just same shit, different day. Life is a little more crowded but hopefully it will change soon.

In the meantime, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I hope that your Yule season is merry and bright!

I was here...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 13:35:00 +0000

I was sitting here this morning, waiting for Alex to finish eating breakfast so I could get her ready for school, and, like most mornings, I was reading my Facebook wall to see what had happened since I went to bed last night. There was a post from Entertainment Tonight I think it was, and it had a thing about Beyonce's never before seen wedding dress on her new video.

Now I love Beyonce...for a lot of reasons....and the fact that she and Jay-Z got married on April 4th of 2008 stands out to me since my anniversary with Jack is also on April 4th...of 2004..but still lol...

I decided to watch the video because I was interested in what kind of wedding dress she would have picked, and listen to the new song...

Five minutes later I was sitting here crying my eyes out.

I will post the video if it will let me, but after watching it, the lyrics, the music, the way she sang...all of it came together in a perfect point on the end of a gilded dagger and drove right into my soul.

We all, in some way, want to leave our mark on the world. We want to be remembered. Some of us do grand things, movies, music, business tycoons, humanitarians, dictators, you name it. Beyonce surely has already left her mark. She is gorgeous, talented, kind and giving and loving, but, after watching that video, I saw the wonder on her face in those clips. I saw the awe in her eyes that she gets to lead the life she has, to entertain the masses, to help those in need ( which she has done ) to see things she might never would have seen otherwise. The thing that spoke to me the most in her eyes though was the fact she was HUMBLED! She still felt lucky, she still felt like she was living a dream. She had not become jaded or entitled or adopted that Diva superstar personality. Her legacy, that she will soon share with her first child, is one of wonderment and gratefulness. That child will be so lucky, not because it gets to grow up with mega rich and famous parents, but because of what kind of Mom he or she will have. If Beyonce can achieve the level of stardom that she has, and is still able to gaze on the world with that sense of awe and amazement....then that child will be very fortunate indeed....

I kind of have it, but then again, I kind of don't....

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:45:00 +0000

Writers block of course. More like writer's will to be honest. I stay so busy, or so occupied with other things, when I sit down here at the computer these days and even think about blogging, my mind draws a blank.

I find that the more I have to write about, the LESS I want to write. Why does it happen this way? As a writer I should be dying to get the words out, to share the experiences. Instead I find myself guarding them like a child with a most precious plaything...unwilling to share it with anyone.

It has been a whirlwind of activity the last three weeks. I think the last time I posted was right before Samhain, which is when I went into the doctor to get my walking boot officially taken off. That all went off with out a hitch. Hell, I walked 5 miles the day before with NO boot on...not that I told my doctor that. But I did it with no ill after effects other than being tired.

Oh wait, I remember what my last post was about now. My best friend, who had lost her memory. Well she still has not regained it but she is coping much better, most days anyway. Nights are hard, as it is when she gets tired, she gets overwhelmed easily. But she goes day by day and her heart remembers even what her mind does not. You can follow along with her journey HERE if you like. It was a fairly new blog before she lost her memory and there is much more content after she lost it, but there was enough before to see how the stress of daily life and a million other factors that have happened over the last 15 years attributed to her mental vacation ( which is what I call it. )

So back to Samhain, the doc took Xrays and said it all looked wonderful. I do still have two small broken parts in the posterior of the ankle, they are to small to use any screws or plates or anything to fuse them back together, and since they cause little to no pain ( usually none unless something hits me on the ankle or back of the ankle, then I feel every damn splinter lol ) and he showed me in the xrays where the toothpick sized slivers and little porcupine ball of bone fragments were already "bridged" with new bone growth. Meaning there was a shadow between the stable part of my bone and the broken piece of bone, which is the new bone growth making a "bridge" between the undamaged and damaged bone. In other words, I am healing as I should, and in fact a little faster than they expected. I only have one more appointment with them, which is on the 30th of this month and then they will turn me loose unless the hardware bothers me later.

I have a pic of my xray...only one angle though, but it shows the plate and two screws ( well it looks like one screw because of the angle, but there are two there, much to my surprise. I did not know that before. ) If you look on the right, ( which is the left of my ankle lol ) there seems to be a single screw jutting up at an angle into my leg...but there are actually two screws there, one behind the other basically. Funny thing...every time I look at this pic is make the side with the plate ache a bit. The mind does funny things lol.

So for the most part I am now left to my own devices, which is fine. It still causes me pain at times, and it still swells, but it will swell for at least a year he said, and as far as pain, well, every time it rains or gets really cold, I am in for a ride, which I already have experienced. I can tell you it is going to rain three days before a drop ever falls lol. I am back to normal for the most part though. I do move a little slower, a little more carefully...but I am told this is normal and the more time that passes from the day I got hurt, the less it will bother me. One day I might not even think about my ankle, like I used to not think about it before I got hurt lol.

Since I walked in the breast cancer walk, weekends have been non stop, on the go action kind of weekends. The weekend after the walk we went to the St. Marks River lighthouse and watched the Monarch butterflies migrate, and we walked about 5 miles that day, me with no boot on. I was very proud of myself.

Here is a pic of the St. Marks lighthouse. It has history. Look it up lol.

Later that same day we went down to the other side of the bay and went to the old fort which is the
San Marcos de Apalache Historic State Park. History there too.

The weekends since then have been filled with trips to the mail, and out to eat, and grocery shopping, and walking around the flea market. We all bought some new PS3 games so Jack has been playing the new Midnight Club racing game, Perth and myself play Skyrim, ( Oh yes, we have Skyrim, got it the day it came out lol ) and I am playing Grand Theft Auto 4 when I feel up to it.

I have not been playing much of anything for the last several days though, because I have the flu. Nasty, icky, shoot me now please, flu. So I have spent the last few days moaning about how shitty I feel to everyone who will listen lol. Jack even cooked last night. I just do not have the energy to stand up longer than a minute or two without feeling like I am going to pass out, so I just stay on the couch or in the bed or here in my chair. I feel different today though. Not better, just different. Yesterday I had sinuses clogged up so bad I felt like I was slowly suffocating to death, and today I can breathe better but my fever is up to 101, and it was only 99.4 yesterday. I will take hot and cold flashes over not being able to breathe any day lol.

I think that sums it up for now, It is a readers digest version, I know, but my energy is running out on me and I need to go rest for a while. As these things usually happen, now that I have gotten over the hump of actually writing a post after not writing for a few days, that block will go away and I will be back more frequently. Once I stop feeling like ass that is.....

Happy Humpday folks!

All tricks, no treat.

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:36:00 +0000

So it seems every time I commit myself to these blog events ( like NaBloWriMo, 30 days of truth, etc ) something major happens and I am unable to write as I should...so I do not think I will "officially" do them anymore, I will just write and maybe it will all work out.

Yes, I have been gone for a few days again, but for good ( well, bad ) reason. My oldest friend, 27 years of friendship, was rocked to the core a couple of days ago. My 33 year old best friend J went to bed one night, and when she woke up the next morning, she had lost 15 to 20 years of her memory. She woke up and knew her husband, but did not know where she was, who her children were, her sibling in laws, her nieces and nephews, none of them. Any friends she made over the last 15 years, gone. Her church, which she was very active in, gone. Poof. I have been thanking the stars that I have been here for 27 years, because she remembers me, but to her, it is 1997-98 and I just recently had my oldest daughter. ( Who is now just a couple of months shy of 15 )

She had been diagnosed with pneumonia and pleurisy the day or two before, and they put her on a pain med and Ambien at night. A 10 mg Ambien. She weighs like 95 pounds, and is only 4 feet 10 inches tall. She is tiny. My Mother, who is about 180, only takes TWO mg. SO 10 is much to much for someone J's size. Anyway, she did not lose herself, I mean she knows who she is, her parents, her siblings, her husband and anyone who was in her life back then. Just no one or any events from the last 15 to 20 years. Her husband took her to the doc and they thought it might be a combo of fibro fog and the mega dose of Ambien, and since she was lucid, functional and still had her faculties about her she was sent home to basically ride out the meds.

Late that night she woke up in severe pain and thought she was having a stroke. So she and her husband went to the hospital, where she had CT scans of her head and the whole nine yards done. Her brain is fine. No stroke, no tumors, no aneurisms, nothing like that. Her bloodwork came back fine. So they diagnosed her with Retrograde Amnesia, which basically means they have no clue why her mind went on a vacation, and the mother of all migraines, which they gave her a shot for. They told her it is most likely temporary, but to be prepared because there was also a chance it might never come back.

I have been on the phone for two days straight. Back to back calls, callers beeping in while I was already on a call, it was bedlam. No one had any concrete information and we were all going nuts. I finally got to talk to her myself on the second day, she called me ( thank goodness for cell phone phone books lol ) and it was all I could do at first to keep it together. I was so terrified she would call and say " I am sorry, I do not remember you.." I would have died a thousand deaths had that happened. I spent an hour basically trying to give her the readers digest version of MY life over the last 15 years and I thought to myself as it was happening " Jeez...having to explain this to what is essentially a stranger as far as my life goes makes me sound so horrible...she is going to ask herself why in the hell was she even friends with me" and it scared me because she was right there through 98% of it, she understood...so now, she did NOT understand and I must have seemed like a friggen train wreck to her. Which, I guess, for a while I was...but she does not even remember how pivotal she was in my life for so many years. I mean she helped me when I bottomed out on cocaine, she and I lived together for a while, we were pregnant together ( her first and my second ) and so many other battles and victories, and she remembers none of it. I shudder at the thought of what she must think of me.

On the upside, she is exactly as she was before life got stressful for her..which makes ME think that her illness combined with the meds and the stress she was under ( she home schools her three kids, 12, 10, and 6, very active in church, she is the glue for her family, which included all her siblings and parents and in laws and nieces and nephews ) just made her mind say " Okay, time for a little break, lets go back and party like its 1999 " Prince sang about it, but she actually did it lol. It has been, for me, AWESOME to talk to her over the last few days. She is back for lack of a better term. SO much has happened in just her life over the last decade, things that changed her, and now, to see her quiet calmness, that FIRE back in her voice and words...I actually felt the need to apologize to her last night because I knew I sounded almost gleeful that this happened..and of course I was not, I am devastated that it happened, but since I could not change what happened, I was loving what I was hearing. She was not so jaded and cynical and waiting for the other shoe to drop ( which is a feeling you all know I can relate to ) she was almost vibrant and strong willed and ready to kick some ass and get things back to the way they should be, even though she could not remember why they got so bad in the first place. I do not know whether to laugh or cry when I talk to her lol. I am certainly not sad, since she does remember me, but I am heartbroken for her kids and nieces and nephews that she does not remember. I can't even imagine how they must feel, and my heart goes out for J as well, because she has to watch all these little people she loved, three of which she gave birth to, and knowing intellectually and in her heart there is a connection, but she can not remember it. Not to mention those friends she does NOT remember, such as P, whom I talked to for quite some time last night. In all the ruckus and being on the phone all the time, I forgot to let a few of our mutual friends we have made over the last decade or so know and so I have been doing that. P to her is sort of like a male version of me, he is also her best friend, in a different way because their history is different than the one she and I have. He was stunned to say the least and was doing his best to wrap his mind around it.

It has been so surreal.

I do not know if she will come out of it or not, but I am hoping and praying she does...and if any of you wonderful people wanted to add your prayer, healing, candles and energy to the mix, we would all be eternally grateful. I will tell you a secret though. I am praying for her full memory to come back, but I am also praying that when she does get it back, she keeps that fire that has been long absent from her mind.

So that, in a very small nutshell, is what I have been doing over the last few days. There is more things happening in the background of my own life, but none of those are anything major, just day to day stuff.

So until next time, keep my friend J in your heart and mind, as well as her family. It is much appreciated.

I leave you with a pic of the beautiful sister of my heart:

I DID IT!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:41:00 +0000

I did it! I walked 3.1 miles yesterday in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk! All the way, never stopping, never resting, and I was hot footing it towards the finish line yesterday because my bad knee on my "good" leg was screaming lol. I DID IT!!

I was nervous all day, hoping I could handle it. If you count the three hours we walked around before the official walk I walked about 8 miles total yesterday. On my busted ankle. No pain in the ankle, then or now, but my knee on the other leg and the bottom of both feet hurt this morning. Nothing unusual though, I felt the exact same way when I started walking last Winter down the long dirt road next to my house. I got in the truck when we were done and once we got out of the town center where we walked I burst into tears. I was so proud of myself.

The walk yesterday almost did not happen since the company Jack works for totally dropped the ball and bailed on the whole thing. No one else from the company showed up. We went anyway because it was so important to me on so many levels. For one, I am a cervical cancer survivor myself, and so many of my family have died due to cancer, including breast cancer. It is a cause most dear to me. I also felt the need to go and represent, to show my husbands company ( we are friends with the boss so it was a personal let down that no one else showed ) what you were SUPPOSED to do. I was so upset that the company bailed, I felt like I had to go just to show them up and show them what it should have been like.

However, even though the cause was special to me in those ways, the most special reason was to prove to MYSELF that I could do it. When I got hurt, I got thrown into the worst situation I have ever been in. Considering my life thus far, that is saying something. The physical agony and not being able to do anything was bad enough, but the resulting mental anguish and deep emotional depression I was caught in almost did me in. I do not mean to sound lame or dramatic, but the honest truth is I considered many times how to kill myself just to make it stop. The pain, the helplessness, the frustration, the depression, the loneliness, the anger....it almost made me literally lose my mind. I was convinced I would never be able to walk again. After I began to heal, I still did not feel like myself ( and to be honest I STILL do not, but it's close ) and I was still miserable. Even after I came home and got rid of those infernal crutches and started walking with the boot ( and now without the boot inside the house, the air helped heal my incisions, you know, the ones that the internal sutures decided to crawl out of? *Shudders* ) I still felt like crap because I could still not resume life as I knew it before I got hurt. I could not stand at the stove or sink to cook or wash dishes for any length of time, and I STILL can't stand at the sink for more than 10 minutes. but I can cook with ease again ) I could not do laundry, or make my bed. I could feed us and I could walk Alex to the bus stop every day but that was about it.

I mean it is just a life changing injury, one that I never expected it to be. I have learned a lot on this journey about help and love and being able to adapt, and how to do my best to hold the fragile pieces of my shattered mind together through all this. Bones are not the only thing that became fractured and splintered during this process. So for me, yesterday was my moment. My battle between who I was before I got hurt and who I became after I got hurt. The real me won. I beat myself. My shadow of despair now has a walking boot print on her forehead. I sat in Jack's truck, tears rolling down my face, saying " I did it" over and over again. Mr. Stoic Man himself grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard, with tears in his own eyes and said " You did it baby, you won. I am so proud of you!"

I mean yeah,sure, it is only a 3.1 mile walk...but for me...it has been a journey of a thousand miles...

I did it.

Now I leave you with some pics from yesterday. They were taken with Perth's camera phone so we all look shorter and wider than we really are lol...

Here is a shot of Jack, Alex and I...

Here is one of Perth and I....

Alex's pretty painted face...

Pic of Jack helping me down a hill during the walk. Uneven terrain is still hard for me, as are hills, so of course part of the route has both AT THE SAME TIME lol...

Perth and Jack....

Perth and Alex walking....

I took a few more of the band and some belly dancers and stuff but the camera would not zoom enough so you really can not see much. These were the good ones. So yeah. Pictorial PROOF that I did it lol. We had a blast and look forward to next year!

The Help, being tired, and other stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 13:55:00 +0000

I just can not seem to find much energy these days. I do not know if my body is going through another healing spurt, if I am being drained by people, either on purpose or accidentally, or if I am just getting old or what lol. All I know is that I am perpetually exhausted and I am not even doing much these days. It has been cold and rainy, and now just cold, and that makes my ankle ache like crazy so maybe I am just expending all my energy dealing with that constant ache. I am still loving the cold snap we are having. It will not last long, back up to 80 next week but it is a taste of what is right around the corner.

I am making a big pot of chicken and dumplings tonight, one of my favorite Winter foods. I am excited. I made blueberry cheesecake muffins (although I did them in a skillet instead of a muffin pan lol ) for Perth and I for breakfast but he is still asleep. So I ate my half covered in warm butter. Yummmm.

Back to the tired thing. I guess I need to start taking my vitamins again. I mean, by 8 at night I am wishing I could be asleep already, which is crazy. I have two loads of clothes to fold and two to wash and at this point I rather burn them than to look at them lol. I need to sweep and mop but I do not see that happening today either. I did run the vac yesterday so there is that at least lol.

After meeting with Alex's teacher Tuesday I found out she is having trouble taking tests. Her homework and weekly work are great, but then she bombs on the test and it drags her grades down. Luckily her teacher is wonderful and gave me some pointers of things I can do with her here at home to hopefully make her more sure of her answers and make her more confident at test taking time. I have also gotten a lot of information and help from my friends about websites and things to ask her teacher, and I am very grateful for that! I also found out one of her textbooks, the reading and vocabulary one, is on the school's website in its entirety, so I can help her in real time when she gets home, using the exact lesson the teacher is using. She also told me she is bringing in a special teacher's assistant for the rest of the school year, to help the class with reading and math, since apparently Alex is not alone in her struggles. I have been working with her for quite some time every night on her homework and it is mentally exhausting...especially since she tends to get upset if she has difficulty and if there is one thing I hate, it is to see her cry, especially over things I can not just "fix" for her. I have to help her do this on her own. Her teacher said Alex is a joy, and she said she could tell I was a good Mom, because Alex was so loving and kind and helpful and happy and well balanced, and I found myself choking back unexpected tears to hear her tell me that. It made me feel so good. She said Alex was a hard worker, and very smart ( her other grades are fine ), she just needed a bit of help in the math and reading comprehension department. Jack and I, hell, my whole family, loves to read so I know that with some extra effort on our part we can instill a love of reading in her too. Well, I should mention she loves to read already, she is just having issues with the concept of stories and their purpose and what the author was trying to convey and whatnot. Considering the kids reading material, *I* have issues trying to figure out what in the hell the author was trying to convey with that nonsense lol. So it will involve some extra work on my part but if it will help her then I will do whatever it takes.

In between homework and sleeping, I have been reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett. It is about life in Jackson, Mississippi between rich white folks and their black domestic help in the 60's. It was a wonderful book, very poignant. Full of emotions, I laughed, cried and cheered to myself throughout the book. I am not quite old enough to have experienced all that first hand ( nor have I ever been financially rich enough to have hired help lol ) but living in the South, it is a part of Southern Culture so it was like reading something a friend wrote. I have been power reading it, telling myself it was because my Mom loaned it to me and had about 20 people waiting to read it after me, but the truth is, I hated to put it down. It was that good. I finished it yesterday and I can not recommend it highly enough. I know there is no way the movie can hold a candle to the book, but I really want to see it. I will do a full review later and add it to the book review page on the blog. Now that I am finished with it, I am about to begin Season of the Witch by Natasha Mostert. Perth and I were in the library Tuesday and I bumped into a shelf and the book all but flew off the shelf at me. So apparently I was meant to read this book lol..What are you gals and guys reading these days? I am always on the hunt for a good book!

Not much else going on here. I do not have the energy to do much else lol. I am looking forward to Sunday when we do the Breast Cancer walk. Then next exciting thing is the 31st when I go find out if I can officially stop wearing my boot. I only wear it outside now, I am healing much faster by not wearing it inside. My skin, where those sutures were being rejected and working their way out of my body was agony with the boot on, and since I stopped wearing it inside, my incisions are healing with lightning speed compared to how it was trapped inside that sweaty boot all day and night.

So that sums it up for today. I hope you all have a great day and a wonderful weekend!

Minor annoyances...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 13:18:00 +0000

Man I keep dropping the ball on this post every day thing lol. It does not help that it just so happened to fall during an unusually busy time for me. With Perth here, me getting back on my feet, Alex's birthday, the cancer walk coming up, and a zillion little day to day things, I just flat out forget about it. Friends seem to be in crisis, family needing me, things going on with Alex's school, me not feeling well...it has just been non stop. I fall into bed at night and think " Aw shit, I forgot to post today!"

It is just a very chaotic time for me right now. Not bad stuff usually, just busy. Today for instance I have a meeting with Alex's teacher at 10 this morning which is stressing me out a bit, then it is off to the library to get Perth a library card. I am trying to power read a book, The Help ( the book the movie is based on ) so I can give it back to my Mom so she can loan it out again, she has a waiting list for it. It is a great book and I spent a good chunk of time relaxing on the couch, it was needed.

I have some minor irritations going on at the same time as well, so that is not helping. Friends say they feel like I do not talk to them anymore, but when that person is hardly ever online to chat or email, what am I supposed to do? I hate phone calls, I do not like being tied down to one spot, although since I got a new house phone I can hear better so maybe that will help. I do not hear so well anymore, so I am self conscious about it and disliking talking on the phone is now a physical thing instead of just a mental one. Or, the mental issue stemmed from the beginning stages of the physical one, I do not know. Plus, these people never reach out to me much, I always have to go to them, so if they really wanted to talk to me, then how hard is it to send an email? I hate to sound unreasonable but damn, I am only one person. That street goes both ways! I can not magically make you appear online and actually sign in to yahoo or g talk or email, whatever we normally use to communicate, so don't get all up in arms that we do not talk like we used to. Not to mention these people are always busy too. I do not know, I just feel that it is unfair, and it bugs me.

Aside from the phone thing, I dislike having to look after other adults. I am not an alarm clock or a personal assistant or a reminder service. Alex is one thing, she is 7. If I did not give birth to you, I do not want to have to look after you too, unless you are ill or something, when you are fully capable of taking care of yourself. That is all I am going to say about that.

I probably sound selfish and whatnot but sometimes people are just unreasonable and it is a bit more than I can handle right now. I am still healing, still struggling with day to day things and I just do not have the energy to deal with other people's drama right now. Especially the ones who bring it on themselves. I will listen and read until my ears and eyes fall off, but I hate it when I finally want to talk to someone about MY problems for a change and they twist it around until it is all about them. Or, the ones who vent to you constantly but never even ask how I might be doing. It is common courtesy!

*Sighs*

Sorry, I just had to get that out. I love all my friends very much but this is a busy and difficult time for me, and all I am asking for is a little understanding. I am not my normal self right now and will not be for some time. If you want to talk to me, then let me know, send me an email or something so I KNOW you want to talk to me. I am not a mind reader and if I do not hear from you, then I assume you are to busy or ill or whatever, and do not feel like talking, and you will let me know when you are ready again. I do not feel bad about it, life happens and there is no point in getting upset. I learned that lesson myself.

Sorry this is not a happy go lucky post, but even the most happy of people have bad days once in a while. I do not want to give the impression I do not care or do not want to talk to people, I just want the people in my life to realize things are a bit hectic for me and hard at times. I was here constantly before I got hurt and only three people talked to me regularly. Now that I am not here so much, suddenly everyone wants to talk and I get shit for it. Pfft. It irritates me! I had to wait for them to find time in their busy lives to talk to me and did not say anything about it, well damn it now you can work around me or you can just not talk to me. End of story.

Now please excuse me while I get another hectic day started.

Birthday Girls and pink bras.

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 18:38:00 +0000

I missed a day..or was it two? I know, I know, but it has been bat shit crazy here since Thursday. Alex's 7th birthday was Saturday and there has been a lot of preparation going on for that. Normally my Mom handles birthday festivities, as much of a cop out that is, but this year she is having a few health problems that prevented her from making one of her awesome birthday cakes and other things she usually does. I SUCK at party planning, especially birthday parties. Perth and I ran all over town Thursday and Friday, running errands and shopping for gifts and party supplies, ordering the cake, and so on and so forth. I ran into my sister at Wal-Mart Friday and invited her, not expecting her to show as we are not close, but to my surprise and happiness she did.

I did not invite Alex's class to her party, as most moms might do ( Is that a normal thing? Seriously, I suck at this..) but since my house is the size of a postage stamp we always have parties at Mom's and I did not want to drag 15 screaming 6 and 7 year old kids into her house lol. Not to mention other people's kids usually irritate the crap out of me but I digress.

Saturday, the day of the party, we got up and got ready to go. Here is a pic of the birthday girl:

Then we headed to the store to pick up the cake. Yes, I suck at baking unless it is bread and my cake decorating skills are less than stellar.

The cake slid in the box and messed up the front left corner but it was still cute and tasted great.

Mom made Alex's favorite meal, potato soup and grilled ham and cheese and grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Never tried a grilled PB&J? Try it. It's awesome.

Next it was time to light the candles and sing Happy Birthday. Alex always acts weird when we sing to her.

The guy in the wolf shirt is Perth, and the guy in the background is my oldest daughters boyfriend Carl.

Cake all lit up:

The dude in the background is Jack lol...

After cake it was time for presents!

That is my Dad on the left and my eldest daughter wearing Jack's hat on the right.

That is Perth and my Mom in the pic above.

Pic above is my son Mike...

I took like 100 pics but I am not going to make you load all of them so here are a few more.

Perth again in the pic above...

I love that pic above of my son...

Alex, Mariah and her boyfriend Carl in the pic above...

Perth and Alex above...

My fluffy self from behind and my Mom cutting the cake above...yes my hair is red and black, I dyed my hair with Perth's leftover black on the bottom lol...

My great niece Brooklyn in the above pic. Not only did my sister show up bringing her two granddaughters, ( my great nieces ) her son Tyler, my youngest nephew, came and brought his wife and their son, my great nephew, Tristan. Alex was so happy!

Tristan above, with Brooklyn...

Sarah, Tristan's Mama on the left, Tristan in the doorway and Jade, my step-niece, on the right, playing catch with a balloon..

That sums up the pics for this post, I might post more in a later post.

It was a really fun day. Alex really enjoyed playing with her little cousins and I was really happy my sister and nephew showed up. Food was great, Alex got a lot of great gifts, and she got to spend the night with her siblings and her Grandma and Papa. I served everyone everything and helped clean up, it was so nice to be at my parent's house and not be in a wheelchair or on crutches! I loved my daughter's boyfriend, it was the first time I got to meet him in person. He was so sweet and respectful and a lot of fun!

I was really nervous since this was the first time I took care of 95% of the party details, and it went off without a hitch and a lot of fun was had. It was a busy weekend!

Now on to the pink bra part of the post lol. I am so excited because next Sunday, the 23rd, Jack, Perth, hopefully my two older kids, Alex, and myself are going to be participating in a 5k walk for breast cancer. I have wanted to do this for ever, and this year the cab company that Jack is a mechanic for is a sponsoring team, so we are all going to walk with the boss Jack likes and is friends with and some of this co-workers, and Jack even gets to be in the parade. The cab company is running a special cab for the month of October, which is a pink cab with the breast cancer logo on it, really cute. Our team is called Breast Friendz and I am so excited to do this I can hardly stand it. You can go here and check out our team page and see the car, and if you wanted to donate a bit towards this great cause, it would be most appreciated. Check out the Breast Friendz Page!

So that sums up where I have been for the last couple of days and why I have been scarce. Lots of fun going on these days, and I am loving it!

Hope you all have a great week!

Sooo tired

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 01:18:00 +0000

Cop out post tonight folks. It has been a long day of running errands and shopping and tomorrow is more of the same. I did get my nails done, which are awesome, and it was just a good day. Bought Alex a ton of colder weather clothes and got her cake ordered. Tomorrow we go to shop for gifts and go to the library as we ran out of time today since there was a considerable wait at the nail place. I will post more about it tomorrow when I am not dog tired. I am headed to bed in just a few minutes. Hope you all have a great night!

This house IS clean...er.......

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 01:47:00 +0000

So yeah, I did manage to do some cleaning today. Cleaned my kitchen, got all the crap off the counters, rearranged my pots and pans cabinet, cleaned the glass tables in the living room, ran the vac and swept like three times. Oh and washed two loads of clothes and folded two. One is still in the dryer lol. Over 12 hours later and you can only tell about half of it now, but at least it was clean looking for a few hours lol. It made me feel better for a while.

Tomorrow Perth and I are going shopping hopefully. I am going to get my nails done ( I have not had a treat in a loooong time and after being hurt for so long I sure would like one! ) and we are going to order Alex's cake and see about some gifts and some food and what not. Just a nice outing hopefully.

Not much else is going on. I have been emailing back and forth with Alex's teacher. She is having some trouble in her reading comprehension so we are going to have to work with her on that. Jack, Perth and I had a discussion tonight about how advanced the curriculum is now at such young ages compared to when we were all in school. I did not have algebra until 8th grade and now they have pre-algebra in second grade! So I am going to go in Tuesday for a conference to see how we can help her improve. She loves to read, she is just having some trouble retaining some words, like tonight she kept confusing 'they' and 'there', ( she kept reading they as there, as in "let us go over there ) so I made her write "they" twenty times. Seemed to stick. I just have to buckle down with her and get us both on track. Apparently me being hurt did more damage than to just my ankle. She suffered too. That bugs me.

She is taking a field trip on Halloween to watch the Monarch Butterflies migrate. I think she will really enjoy that and I hope she has a ton of fun. That will be a busy day. I hopefully get rid of my walking boot for good that day, as it is my next doctors appointment.

I guess that sums it up for today. Not much else going on and I am about to hit the sack.

OH, I almost forgot, I am doing a guest post tomorrow morning over at Unleashed Diva Living Out Loud so be sure and check me out and read my friend Rae's other posts while you are there, maybe say hello!

Have a great night folks!

Time to clean house...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:52:00 +0000

I just simply can not stand it any longer. Ever since I got hurt, my house has looked like crap. Since I got home, I have done what I could, but with 4 people living here now, there is just to much crap laying around and it is driving me insane. Not that Perth is messy, in fact he helps me clean, but we have simply been making it presentable.

I was going to do it today, but it was another wet and dreary day, my ankle was hurting, and every time any of us went out we brought back in mud and dirt, so it would have been pointless. It finally started drying out late this afternoon, and it is supposed to be clearer tomorrow as well, so today I took it easy and rested my ankle ( the rain and cold really do a number on it already ) and watched TV with Perth. Tomorrow I am going to clean and sage the house and get rid of the negative energy lingering around here. Quite a bit happened while I was hurt and it has built up in the house to the point everyone is acting odd. Jack and myself are snappy with each other, Alex is a wild animal and Perth has felt it too, so it is time for a good cleansing and sage session.

I have to call tomorrow and order a birthday cake for Alex's 7th birthday on Saturday. Mom is feeling run down right now, and with her health issues I did not want her to have to make a cake even though she makes the best ones, and I am just not a good sweets baker, so I am going to order a Hello Kitty cake. It is hard to believe that she is going to be seven already. Time is flying by it seems.

I have no clue what I am going to do for gifts yet, Perth and I will probably go shopping Thursday.

Nothing much else has gone on since I posted yesterday really. With the rain of the last two days making my leg ache, I have pretty much been taking it easy and hunkering down on the couch, resting. I got another one of those sutures that are coming out of my skin out last night so it is feeling a bit better today. I will be so glad when the 31st gets here and I no longer have to deal with that boot, not that I have been wearing it much. Only when I have to walk a long way like to the bus stop. It makes my foot hurt to wear it and the sides hit those incisions which are inflamed and I just can not stand it, it hurts to much. So I wear it when I feel I need some extra support or when I am walking a lot or cleaning or cooking and whatnot, but I do not bother with it just to walk to the bathroom which is only like 10 feet away lol. I have no pain other than the skin or if it rains ( which will happen for the rest of my life ) so I am just listening to my body at this point. I am full weight bearing so it is not like I am putting to much weight on it. For the most part I feel good, I just get tired really easy. I even took my first standing up shower ( I have been using a step stool to sit on ) the other day. That was pretty liberating. A little scary, as you have that " I hope I do not slip" fear in the back of your mind, but I still had my step stool in there just in case I needed to rest, which I did towards the end. But now I can step in and out of the tub like a normal person instead of having to sit down and swivel around which is kind of painful on my narrow tub edge.

I am improving every day, and as long as I do not over do it, I get along just fine. Having Perth here is such a huge help, I am so glad he is here, I would not be as far along in my recovery if it were not for him.

I guess that sums it up for tonight. More again tomorrow!

Photo Credit

Lazy Day

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 17:06:00 +0000

Not much going on here. Perth put a new graphics card and RAM in my computer, so I have been enjoying that since yesterday. Jack is home today and he and Perth are playing a race game on the PS2. It is rainy and cool here today. Once of those days you want to curl up in bed with a good book. Apparently it is Columbus Day, but I had no idea until I saw it on Facebook. Alex had school so it was like any other weekday for me. I did get to sleep in some since Jack was home, that was nice. Nothing else is going on really. I am trying to decide what to have for dinner but all I know so far is that is will most likely involve chicken lol.

The rain had my foot aching so I am just taking it easy today. So...it is a lazy day here in the House Of Bellz.

Take care folks.

Sometimes You Just Have To Scream...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 04:15:00 +0000

I missed yesterday, I know, and I am sorry, but yesterday was a long tough day.

I try very hard to only post positive things about Jack and my relationship with him, out of respect and because 99% of the time, we are in a good place.

There is that 1% however, when things are not so great.

I do not usually post about it, but this time I feel the need to. Things have been very strained between Jack and I since I got hurt, because we were apart and I felt like he was not understanding to my needs and feelings of horrible depression and sadness and the fact I was in pain. I fully admit that half the problem was me, I was in agony and depressed and the pain and medication made me very unstable and angry and unreasonable. I felt like he did not care because he was not as upset as I was, because he was not there for me enough and seemed to be irritated at the fact he had to do anything for me when I came home on weekends. Granted, he could have been a bit more sensitive but he really was no different than he was when I was NOT hurt, so I am not sure why I expected him to totally change just because I was hurt. However I felt he should have at least made the effort, and it caused issues in my mind. *Never my heart, I still love him just as much as I did * I became sullen and petty, and he became angry and unfeeling and we ended up giving each other the silent treatment most of the time as tension kept building and building. Last night it finally came to a head after I wrote him an email telling him how I felt because I knew if I said it verbally it would not turn out well and I would not get all my thoughts out properly.

As we have Perth here with us now, the argument did not happen until late last night, in our bedroom. It got ugly and we spent two hours yelling and I was crying and we just blew up at each other. The tension had just reached critical mass and the pressure finally burst out of us. I said what I needed to say and so did he, and then, as fast as it started, it was over. The tension was gone, the horrible feelings of anger and frustration were gone and things were as they should be. That is just how we are to be honest. We hardly ever fight, and about twice a year we do that blow up thing and it is over and done with, and it will all be great for the next 6 or 7 months. This time was no different, it just seemed so much bigger than it was because we were both going through something totally new, me being hurt to this degree. I know this might sound bad to people but really, it is nothing major. Just letting off steam and its only verbal, never physical or anything like that.

Anyway, once it was over things were better, but it was two in the morning and I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and I decided to just go to bed. So no post for yesterday. Today things have been great and jack has made very obvious attempts to be more caring and understanding and I have gone out of my way to not be demanding and a bitch to him because he is not reading my mind at any given time. I tend to forget this did not just happen to me, it happened to everyone around me, and they have just as hard of a time as I have had, just in a different way. It has been a learning process and as he is a Capricorn and I am a Taurus, neither of us like change very much and me being hurt turned our whole world upside down. I am just glad it is over with, both of us have a palpable sense of relief today. He even cooked dinner for us.

So that is why there was no post yesterday, and hopefully since the air is cleared here it will ease up the stress we have been feeling and my mind will unlock so I can write again lol. I am doing my best for NaBloWriMo, but life is busy enough without me having an added level of difficulty trying to get around and heal from this broken ankle, and since I post at night after the day is basically over, so I can write about anything that happened that day, it is easy to be to tired to post.

Tonight I made another step in my recovery, I took a shower standing up instead of sitting on the footstool I use to sit in the shower with, and while it was a bit scary and made me tired, I still did it and I am proud of myself. I am looking forward to hopefully walking out of my doctor's office on the 31st without the boot, as my doc seems to think will happen.

That is all for tonight, Jack and I are about to make a late night grocery shopping trip...we feel the need to have a little alone time, all things considering. Have a great night and rest of the weekend folks!

Tired today...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:37:00 +0000

I do not know what is wrong with me, but I can not seem to get enough rest these days. Maybe it is because my body is trying to get rid of these infernal sutures, or maybe it is because of my moon time, or maybe it is because I am overdoing it. Maybe it is a combination of all of those things, I don't know. All I know is I am feeling like a zombie and I do not like it.

My leg hurts a lot today, I had to break the pain pills back out just to walk today. I am not liking this rejection of the sutures thing at all, it is almost as bad as the break was. I feel like my leg is on fire and there is nothing I can really do about it.

Today I rested, played around online this morning, and held down the couch watching episodes of the show Sister Wife. It is an interesting show, I quite like it.

I am trying not to get frustrated with myself about not being able to do much without being exhausted. I have NO patience when it comes to myself, it bothers me that I can not do the simple things like clean the house as I once did. I feel better so in my mind I should be able to do everything just as I did before, and that is just not possible yet. I ran the vac, dusted my entertainment center and desk and cleaned the 2 glass tables yesterday and I still feel like I ran a marathon. No matter how much sleep I get, I am still tired. I hate it. I have been cooking, and Perth, thank goodness, has been doing the dishes for me. By that time of the day I just want to lay down and go to sleep, yet when I get in bed, even as tired as I am, I lay there, unable to sleep because I am just not tired enough to sleep. Or maybe I am TO tired, I do not know. I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, it means I get to sleep in over the weekend. Jack had to wake me three times, and Alex had to wake me twice before I managed to drag out of bed this morning, which is unusual.

I guess I just need to be kinder to myself and let myself heal, but it is hard when the clothes hamper is overflowing, there is three loads to fold, and other things need to be done and I am just to tired to do it. Perth has been a huge help and I am so glad he is here. Jack has been as much help as he can I guess, but I know he does not want to do it so it makes me feel bad about it.

I need to work on laundry tomorrow I guess, but I do not intend to do much else. I wish I were the type to be able to lay back down and go to sleep once I get Alex on the bus but I get headaches, and even if I didn't, guilt keeps me up.

I sound like I am whining and I do not like that either, but I needed to vent I guess. I will just be glad when all this is over and I can move on and not be exhausted and in pain. At least I got 5 good days in between having the cast off and when the skin pain started. That is a good thing, 5 pain free days.

I guess that sums up the bitch and moan fest for today. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. I hope you all have a great day.

Well it did not fall off!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:14:00 +0000

My foot that is. I went to the doctor yesterday and the good news is that my incisions are not infected. The bad (ish) news is that my body is rejecting the internal sutures and I am having a mild allergic reaction to them. They are actually working their way out of my body, which the doctor pointed out. Little white threads which I thought were pieces of dried skin ( you peel like crazy once you get out of a cast ) and he told me that there was not a thing they could do about it but to watch it and make sure I do not develop a fever and to make sure the incisions do not reopen, but since I am 7 weeks post op that is not likely to happen he said. He told me I could take tweezers and pluck the ones poking out of my leg out, which made me panic, but after getting home and working myself over about it I plucked it out with no problem and the relief was immediate. The others are flush with the skin still and located in the incision so I am not touching those yet until they work themselves out more.

He was very pleased that I was walking without crutches and told me I was looking great, even with my incisions looking as they did. I have to go back on the 31st and he told me as well as I was doing he totally expected me to walk out of his office with no boot on when I leave. He cleared me to take the boot off when ever I want, including to sleep, as long as I did not try to walk without the boot. So at least I can take it off when the pressure gets to be to much, as everything touching the skin is painful to my leg.

That is about it for tonight, I am about to go get this boot off and watch Ave Ventura 2 on TV! Have a great night folks!

Ankle update tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 01:52:00 +0000

Sorry for no real post tonight but it has been a very long day and I am just wore out. I will give a full update tomorrow but for those waiting to hear something, it is not infected and there is no changes in my recovery as far as the bones go, but the skin is another story. One that I will tell tomorrow lol. Night folks.

One step forward and two steps back...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:51:00 +0000

So I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow. The incision over the plate in my leg has possibly become infected and is very painful. I was hoping that maybe I had just over done it, but even with rest it has gotten worse and more painful. I ruled out infection because it has been so long since I had surgery, but after doing some research last night, I found out it is possible to develop an infection at any time, even with excellent external care. Infections can still happen internally. My incision is very red, and hard and hot to the touch, and I have this weird egg shaped swelling below the ankle bone on that side, and now the rest of the foot is swelling and elevation and other anti-swelling measures are not helping.

So tomorrow I have an appointment with my doc at 11:30 in the morning. I am hoping it is nothing serious. It is frustrating, because I have NO internal pain at all, I can walk with no pain inside, but any pressure on the skin is agony. I have had to have my boot off most of the day, even though I am not supposed to yet, because the pressure of the boot is just to much to bear. I am not walking without the boot of course, so no need to worry about that. I do not know if I did to much to soon, or if, as Perth suggested, with me walking and using the muscle, it might have driven infection from inside the muscle to the surface. Not sure if that is possible, but it sounds plausible. I am really hoping that egg shaped swelling is not a big pocket of infection. I am assuming they will take another set of x-rays to see if anything has changed in there. I am not sure if infection can show up on an x-ray, but if it can, I hope they can spot it if that is the case. I fully expect to be put on antibiotics, and I am really hoping they do not want to stick a needle in that egg to drain it to see if it is infected. As tender as my skin is right there, that would be just agony. It started bothering me Saturday, and I was hoping that it would go away since I have rested for two days, but it is getting worse. I have had to start taking my pain pills again and it had been several days since I have needed to do so. I am trying to not be scared, and to not be frustrated...I just hope it is something easy to fix and will not require them to recast or go back in there and fix or remove anything. The other side of my foot is doing fine, the incision looks good and is not really painful, other than from the swelling making the whole foot puffy and sore due to the skin stretching.

I took it easy today, other than getting Alex on and off the bus, and I made lunch and dinner. I sat on the couch most of the day, watching Season of the Witch ( which was okay but not what I expected ) and the first episode of the first season of Sister Wives ( which should be interesting ). Perth and I had some yummy chicken stir fry for lunch, and I made sub par baked spaghetti for dinner. It was not as good as it usually is, my seasoning was off on the sauce so it was rather bland, but I was hurting by then and just wanted to sit down, plus I made more noodles than usual since Perth eats like a horse ( which makes me happy, considering he has had to eat out of a box for he last year and a half ) and I think it was to much for the amount of sauce I had made, so it watered the flavor down. I kept apologizing, as it was no where near up to snuff, but they liked it for the most part.

Jack says that they are going to tell me to stop doing so much, that I overdid it, which is possible. It just sucks because the bones feel fine, no pain inside at all, so I am really confused as to why this has happened. I wonder if the boot itself is the problem. The constant rubbing of the skin and the compression of the ankle, making it square for awhile after the boot comes off might be doing some damage to it internally. Or maybe I came off the crutches to soon, even though I am allowed to put as much weight as I am comfortable with on it. To many speculations and not enough answers. Hopefully tomorrow I will know more.I will update tomorrow evening and let every one know how it went! Below is a pic of the painful side. I know the angle is bad, but that swelling under my ankle is prominent and egg shaped. My foot has not swollen that like in a couple of weeks so it is alarming for me.

The next step along the path...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:01:00 +0000

I am home guys and gals. After a month and a half over at my parent's house after I broke my ankle and had surgery, I am home for good.

More on what has transpired since then in just a sec, but first I want to mention that I am participating in NaBloWriMo this year. I am always wanting to post more in my blog but have trouble with staying in the habit, and as NaBloWriMo is all about writing a blog post every single day for the month of October, it would be fun and get me back in the habit of posting, especially since I have not been posting hardly at all since I got hurt. Check it and the other blogs out when you get the chance, and if you do, stop by and tell them you saw them on NaBloWriMo, makes us all feel good!

Now, where was I? Oh, home, right. Last Monday, on September 26th, I got my cast taken off and put into a walking boot thanks to my father, who still had his old one and let me use it. If he had not had it, I would have been put into another fiberglass cast with a strap on sandal of sorts that would let me walk. If I would have had to be stuffed into another miserable cast for 4 more weeks, I would have lost it. I just know it. The change in my life has been immediate and for the better. By the next day I was walking with one crutch. I had walked from my parent's house to the bus stop there and got Alex off the bus, twice, with no problems. Wednesday I was ready to go. I came home.

That Thursday, I moved my best friend in here with us until they find a place of their own. I have hardly been home since then, as we have gone to dinner and shopping and to lunch and have been spending a lot of time together. I am exhausted, but happy.

Over the last 4 days, I have gone from one crutch to no crutches, although if I get tired I use them, and always take them with me where ever I go. We walked about Wal-Mart for two days in a row, and I used no crutches. I walk around the house with no crutches. It is wonderful. I can take the boot off when I get tired, and to shower. I have to wear it as much as possible until Wednesday however, per doctors orders. Turns out I had a Trimalleolar Fracture which means : (courtesy of eMedicineHealth )

"Tri" means three so in a trimalleolar fracture, all three malleoli (medial, lateral and posterior) bones of the ankle are broken.

These are unstable injuries often caused by a large amount of force, disruption of the ligaments, or a dislocation.

So yeah. That is what I have. I finally got to see my X-Rays, which were interesting. Two screws in the left side of the ankle and a place and 5 screws on the right side of the ankle. I have a mostly bionic looking foot now, seems more metal than bone in there!

I love my Doctor, Dr. Andrew Wong, and his staff. I have had to have similar surgery on my left knee many years ago, and had his colleague, who was a monster. I could not stand him, or his uncaring staff, so I was a little worried about Dr. Wong. I was very surprised at his excellent bedside manner, his attention to me, and the wonderful staff he had. Dr. Wong came to see me every single time I was due in for an appointment to have my cast changed and x-rays taken, instead of just letting his more than capable staff handle it. He always asked how I was doing, and was very attentive and answered any questions I had truthfully and in a straight forward manner. He listened to any suggestions I might have, and was so happy that I managed to find a walking boot so they would not have to put me in another cast. He said he had been thinking about it, and the fact I did not have insurance so could not afford the 200+ dollar boot, and it had been bothering him enough to see how he could get around it. That made me feel really good, and let me know he really did care about his patients, he was not just in it for the money, he genuinely wanted to help people. I am very thankful he was on call the day I got hurt! He told me I was free to put as much weight on it as I was comfortable with, and I asked when should I try to get off crutches, and he said any time I was ready, but within the next two weeks if I could get started. Two days later, I am walking without them, even I do walk a bit like I am a drunk penguin. I can CARRY stuff in my hands again! I can not tell you how much of a pain in the ass that has been lol. I have to leave the boot on as much as possible, aside from showering and small breaks from the boot, for ten days, which is this coming Wednesday. Then he said I can sleep without it and leave it off for longer periods of time if I will not be walking for a while, like during a movie or something. My foot feels really odd when the boot is not on...I put my hurt foot on the floor while I was trying to get into the shower to sit on my shower seat ( no weight on it, just enough to lay the foot flat on the floor ) and I was disturbed at the feeling my foot was not even there. It is still largely numb over at least 3/4 of the foot, as the nerves are still regrowing ( the lightning strikes that travel up and down my leg from the foot let me know this is going well ) It was strange after the constant heavy presence of the casts and then the boot, it just felt like my foot was missing. I was actually HAPPY to get out of the shower and put the boot back on, it made me feel more...whole...like I really did have a foot. Very surreal and unexpected.

So all in all, my recovery is going well, and things are looking up. I am mobile and very happy to have my friend here with me. It would have been quite a shock going from being surrounded by 5 people all the time to having NO ONE here during the day. So I am thankful for that. I am alone right this second however, which is nice. Everyone else went to the flea market, but I have been walking around and surrounded by noise and people for most of a week and I just needed some down time, so I sent them without me. It was the right thing to do.

It was hard leaving my parent's place to come home. As much as I missed Jack, having my kids there with me all the time was soothing to my torn soul. I have been walking around with those two massive holes in my heart for years and I am happy to say those holes are considerably smaller now. It was also nice to be close to my Mom and Dad, and Dad tried several times the last two days I was there to get me to stay longer. That made me feel good. I know we were a pain, but at the same time they liked having Alex and I there all the time.

So now starts the next steps along my path of life. Learning how to walk correctly again, healing more, taking care of my house and family again, and having one of my closest friends here with me, and then near by after they find a place, are all waiting for me as I hobble down the road that is my life. I am looking forward to where the path leads me next!

NaBloWriMo time!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella Foxglove) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 04:02:00 +0000

Aaaaand I am off to a shitty start since I totally forgot today was the first until I checked into blogger and saw all the posts lol. I will start in earnest tomorrow, I have SO very much to share! I hope everyone is having an awesome of a weekend as I am having!