Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan

Finding those damn Pokemon!

2020-06-01T14:03:00.005-07:00

I thought that was a pretty ingenious title.
I hope you don't expect a post about "catching them all". Its about catching you all, and keeping you in my pokey balls for the duration of this blogpost (wait what!? That sounds perverted..... as it should)

No this post is actually more about how I'm idiot, but then, that is what most of my posts are about.

When I was young and in Japan, we didn't have Android and Apple cell phones. Everyone had these crappy things that you can type texts on and play radio (some TV too actually) but no Google MAPS etc (not the huge Zack Morris type phones, they are tiny but don't do as much as today's phones with exceptionally crappy graphics like original gameboy vs PS4).
I never knew where I was (not that I do now most of the time) and no one had GPS like we do now.

I wished I had that phone... when I was 10!

Try Tokyo by yourself. Its like a puzzle with half the pieces missing. You probably think this sounds like a joke, but unfortunately its the truth.

I ripped this from Google regarding street addresses in Japan.

Most Streets in Japan Don't Have Names. ... In Japan, they use a very different addressing system than is used in most Western countries. Rather than streets having names (the space in between blocks), they give blocks numbers and leave the space in between the blocks, streets, nameless.

Key is nameless, remember that. Trying to find a nameless space.

You might say you could be Lost in Translation (funny because there is a movie about it and it involves Japan, Billy Murray and Black Widow). On a sidenote if you have seen it remember "lip my stalkings", very funny. L and R are a big issue for Japanese, never discuss Obama's election, ever!

Typical Japanese map, only with Chinese characters and lots of random numbers.

I quite literally came across an old email today which sparked this post. Looks like I wrote it to a friend after I got back from the Tokyo trip.

This is the original email. Remember I'm writing it to someone so its supposed to be in a voice in your head, like its a letter (but actually an email, as no one sends letters anymore).

"Tokyo was the shits. Literally and figuratively. I got lost looking for John's (damn) apartment.
He was in Osaka at the time while I'm in Tokyo and texted me that he hid a key to his place outside. The problem was finding his (damn) apartment. He gave me an address that looks like random characters thrown together with some random numbers (I wasn't even sure its even a real address). He gave a cross street that doesn't exist and characters I couldn't find. I was convinced he might be messing with me at first.
I did the only sensible thing I could and went to 7-11. Grabbed some niku man (hot Chinese buns full of meat) and asked the workers there where the address was. Seems like they didn't know either. They pointed in a general direction. Saying that way its West. I was like thanks, that's so exact..... ;-(

It was like this, only looked better. This one looks sorta nasty.

This lady, I guess a customer kept looking at me. Finally after like 10 minutes, she said in Japanese are you lost? I said ya (I considered making a joke about Lost in Translation the movie, but I didn't). She said what's the address. She looked at it, "kinda that way, 'West' ish" . I responded everyone likes to point that out to me.
It was super cold outside and I carried too many bags. The lady offered to bike while I ran behind her. I felt like I was a rickshaw puller, without the rickshaw but just as exhausted. I was hoping she would offer to rig up a way to pull one of my bags behind her attached to her bike.

I didn't have any fans and I was only pulling luggage, but it was hard work pulling & catching up to a bike.

She finally found it the address for me. It required a pass-by of the same place 5 times. "I don't think he wrote the address was quite correct she comments or its nameless (F!) , but ya its West I guess."
I couldn't find the key where he told me it was going to be. I was gonna knock on the door of the building, but I tried one last brick and I found it (how many loose bricks define a building as safe). I entered his apartment and it was sickly gross. There was sh%t falling outta his toilet too! Clothes strewn everywhere. I remember a few times he told me how he had girls over often. I couldn't believe it, they must be really drunk (and in retrospect leaving his place was probably like a maze (not corn maze but similar) too, hopefully they found 7-11 like me assuming they would point "East" to escape.
It was no surprise to me that none of his relationships ever lasted (as in more than one night haha, mean but funny).

His apartment was as cold as F (colder than outside, how is that possible?) and he seemed to only have 1 single electric heater which had one setting "on". Couldn't find his usual aircon / heater unit, but it may have been under clothes, boxes and the rats (or beavers, I didn't want to lift the clothes to find out, at least its not human bodies this time since moving occasionally).

As for things the other interesting parts of the trip beside that.

We lost the English competition... the Princess' English were flipping amazing! British Oxford style! Ill do her impression for you when I see you next. I took some pictures where the sign said don't take any pictures (a rebel without a cause, it can be used as proof I was within few metres of the Princess).

Anyways I feel like I've been pulling a rickshaw around all day, so I'm going to bed. G'night m f*^ker."

End of letter (actually email).

After that, a few days later we went to Tsukiji the fish market. The funny thing was I didn't prepare proper shoes so I wore my dress shoes there, bad idea.
As you can imagine a fish market isn't exactly clean and you are basically standing in guts and runoff from seafood. I noticed everyone else there, had proper rubber boots on, with steel toe boots.
The dress shoes stank for another month or so after. I only had 2 pairs I could alternate at work. I think the kids wondered if the smell was my body odor or something else. If I noticed their nose twitching, I'd do the same thing, so they didn't suspect me.

When someone said it stinks outloud I'd blamed a different student and pointed. Its good to have trust as a teacher, it can come in handy at the most inopportune time.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Masks for Foreigners

2020-05-31T20:03:00.002-07:00

If you have been following the news, we have a slight issue with corona virus (by slight I mean like totally life altering and totally crappy). I myself have been laid off, which in all fairness my job is not fitting for this sort of thing, not a lot of tourists coming to a hotel during this time.

My post isn't about that, though there is tie in (this is foreplay as my topic also involves tying, you may think this is about to go sexual, but its going to go asexual. If you add "a" to word it means "not". Asymptomatic, aleprehaunsit, athiest, anyways the words go on and on and my examples don't).

I'm going to assume you have read all the other 200 blogposts on this blog, if you haven't let me remind you of one of the stories.

I was wondering if Aliens had entered our world but just found out this is the new norm.

Whilst I was in Japan as a young man (a high schools student to be exact) I was doing a short exchange in Kyoto. When we boarded the public bus I looked up to see some people with masks. I was a little concerned. I'd never seen anyone wear masks and by masks I mean medical style tied behind head except in hospitals. I asked my hostbrother "Hey, there is masks, is there some sort of issue I need to know about, like air quality issue?". My hostbrother looked around like he didn't have a flipping clue when I was talking about. I pointed directly at two people that had masks on (probably exceptionally rude in Japan to point). Also I stand out like a sore thumb, so they are probably wondering why I'm pointing directly at them while mumbling something in a devil tongue.

The masks on the bus looked absolutely nothing like this, actually opposite, but I thought its funny. Hopefully Twitter won't write a note stating this is a falsehood, it is, but its funny.

My hostbrother leaned over to me and whispered "The mask is because you". I was thinking, the English isn't far off but I don't get it still. I asked him "What do you mean?". He looked at me with a grin "You are gaijin (foreigner), they don't want to share air with you, its dirty, sort of pollution". I was shocked, and thinking maybe its deodorant related and I didn't put enough on. After a quick self sniff, I realized the "Secret" deodorant I had on was fine (ya strong enough for a man but made for a women, I don't want to hear your opinion, don't judge. Its what my mom supplied me with so I used it.).

I looked at my hostbrother and said "I can't believe it, does this happen often?" My hostbrother leaned over again this time covering his mouth as if he was also scared "This is joke, they sick from flu and don't share to other people". I was thinking, wow this is so considerate, no one in Canada (or USA) would ever wear a mask, probably even if there was a valid reason I don't see everyone doing it.
BAM, here we are 25 years later (yes I'm old now which sucks), and I see all these weird masks in public.
I've seen fruit, veggies, panties, tampons. Its quite amazing.

I didn't see this ever in Japan. I guess in theory its possible.

As we continued on the bus, I saw someone get on the bus coughing. Yes they had a mask on. Each cough they put their hand up over the mask as if they were catching the tiny particulates (that's a big word for particles, cause I know a lot of big words). They didn't touch their mask but seemed liked a courtesy to pretend cover their mouth, how polite.
I thought what a great thing to do, maybe one day I'll do it.

A few days later I got a cold in Japan, my nose was running nonstop, snot literally dripping on my fingers and hands. I also used the back of my hand many times to push the snot back up.
As the random Japanese kids bowed to me, some new faces I was introduced to or just hello's I'd put my hand out to shake them. It didn't occur to me, they probably say the devil foreigner with his snotty nose and no mask. At least they didn't know my hands were dripping with it too. Just remember, that was old a cold back then, these days might not be, wash your hands, use a mask and don't use the back of your hand like a caveman.

There is no way this one would work for me or my kids. Its freaking deadly in our shoes. Just ask my wife who often picks our dirty shoes off the floor.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

My Pet Foreigner! ME?

2018-02-28T10:32:00.001-08:00

My Pet Foreigner (Gaijin)! ME?

Some people really enjoy having a PET. Like a dog, cat, fish. Those kind of things.
I even saw in the news someone had an emotional pet peacock they wanted to take on a flight with them on a flight, I don't mean in the back. Like sitting beside them in the passenger area. Wow. People are really messed up in this world. Like x 1 million.

Seriously? What will people take as Pet's on flights. I saw a Pig in another article.

Treating a person like a pet though is a bit degrading, unless you are into that kind of stuff (and I know some of you are, you sicko's!) Welcome to 50 Shades of brown (and I'm subconsciously placing that image of brown in your head in the beginning of this post).

I was treated as a PET by a few of my middle school student. Sometimes in a good way, but more often than not like I was not worthy of being human. Afterall, in a largely homogeneous culture we foreigners are the "different ones". Sometimes it works in your favour, and sometimes not. This is one of those NOT times.

I had a few girls that liked to pat / pet my arms. I've never seen anyone pat/ pet a human like they do an animal. They seem enamored with my hairiness. Especially my blonde-ish arm hair.

Why you ask?

Because I had hair all over them, like a whole lot of it. Just short of a Silverback Gorilla.
I feel the mentality was "those foreigners deserve a pat on their hairy arms, but they should also be fed banana's and kept in a cage".

I may have mentioned this before. but there was one girl (teenager) that liked to rip my hairs out. Man it hurt like you would not believe. She would ask for help, and I'd come over and then she would pet my arm. Suddenly she'd rip a hair out and I'd scream (usually like a little girl. And by usually I mean everytime).

I'm not kidding you when I say it flipping hurts. If you don't believe me, find some body hair from somewhere on your body and just pull it. Now chose a second hair and pull it again, rip it. For added pain make sure you rub some salt on it afterwards. Not that I've ever tried the salt thing, just assuming someone might be down to try it.

Honestly I haven't tried waterboarding like they do to ISIS prisoners, but its probably very similar (except for the whole feeling like you are drowning).

I really didn't like that girl, but she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed (a little bit dumb dumb), so she honestly did need extra help compared to the other students.

Me and my soft heart, I would always fall for her demon tricks. I wonder if she would like it if I pulled her head hair out one by one and said "Oh sorry, I saw a grey hair, just trying to help you".

At least it wasn't in the dog food I ate, or .... was it?

There was another girl, that would come up to me and hold my hand. I found it a bit weird. I had seen some teachers hold students hands as a joke, but most of the other teachers were older. I was only six years older than them, so it was like I was the University student picking up a Elementary g/f. Disgusting! I do remember a few University student I knew, that bragged he was going to pickup his grade 11 g/f at the nearby high school. Needless to say, he was a weird dude. How couldn't you be. I'm fairly sure that's illegal (but probably not in Texas. Anything seems to go there). This one girl that was a bit crazy would hold on and not let go. I would try to be nice and say sorry my hand hurts, or I gotta go. I told some of the teachers I didn't feel comfortable with her, she was a bit off (her rocker).

She would say to other students he's so cute and I wish I had one at home when referring to me. I'm not sure she knew the Pet, me, understood.

When she said wish I had a foreigner at home? Does that mean I'm going to live in the doghouse? I was a little scared.

They way she said it was that I was a PET.

I didn't feel she counted me as human. I hope she doesn't want to offer me dogfood (its not certified as safe for human consumption, I know cause I tried it once or twice. Once I saw mint bones and it sounded good. Let me assure you, it was NOT GOOD. I guess compared to eating other dog faeces (sh%t) on the ground its good comparably). The other one was called Puritina dog chow. I mistook it for Puritan stew (which I recently saw again at the dollarstore, its been years, I was worried it was discontinued due to being toxic or something). That stuff got me through my adolescence (which just ended recently). I see the sodium content has increased by approx a million.

This one is severely overpriced $2. I saw at dollar store and was actually a dollar!

Like this but in a can and no pic of a dog. You tell me which looks better!

Kids can sometimes be funny, because their intention is not always learned from their parents depending on age. After seeing some of the parents of these kids, I thought wow, this is all learned behaviour. I don't they came out of utero thinking I'm a PET. They actually believe I was a differing life form just short of alien.
I always thought the word gaijin (as I like to translate simply as foreigner) but the actual characters means "outside person". That the real meaning wasn't much of a welcoming card. Neither was it nice we had to carry ID on ourselves at all times incase we needed to be carded as being outsiders. HINT the skin colour may give it away.
I heard one story that a foreigner had to write a formal apology for not carrying their foreigner card addressed to the Emperor. Wow! Probably banned from entering Japan ever again after sending it.

On the plus side I guess it was nicer that we were aliens or outside people as in the past it was yabanjin "barbarian/ savages". Things are getting better. Just took over a couple hundred years.

We don't get burned alive anymore too, so that's also a bonus.

If you are into history here is some further info
http://factsanddetails.com/japan/cat16/sub182/item2771.html
https://www.ranker.com/list/christian-martyrs-of-japan/melissa-sartore

At least I didn't get neutered (castrated) as her PET.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Tricked into Modelling

2017-12-24T12:54:00.002-08:00

I think I may have mentioned this somewhere in the first 20 or so blogposts of the 300 I posted. If not, please feel free to re-read them all (and somehow hopefully that will make me big bucks. If you think of a way let me know).

I should say I maybe endowed this story a little bit to make it sounds better than it was (though its hard to endow a story of this caliber).

I was asked to model, and I figured why wouldn't you ask a nice looking lad like myself (I'm not being too cocky I hope). That's called a fact (not fiction. I used to get them confused in Elementary school). I though Aliens were real and Pyramids were fake.

I thought I was unique being asked to "model". Like a lucky gold horseshoes, 1 in a bazillion (fact or fiction? hahaha). I later found out 4 other foreigners (from my University in Japan) were asked to as well. That's called being hoodwinked (butter you up, then tell you you are not special). I was just one straw among the many (and not even the lucky short straw). And FYI short straw isn't a reference to anything, if that's what you are thinking.

I also thought, when they said "model", I thought they meant pay model. I didn't clarify (and in retrospect perhaps I should have. That was dumb of me).
Yes there were a few kinks in the cable if you know what I mean. Technically I was a student, and modelling wasn't allowed, I had limited options for jobs and none of them involved selling my body (and I mean any piece of it, cause I was highly interested for the right price of course).
I hope I don't come across that sleazy with that comment. As they say on SHARK TANK, everyone has a price (but they are usually talking companies and not perverted stuff. I prefer perverted. Well most people are following NASDAQ stocks, I'm follow Harvey Weinstein's drama.

I guess hammering the details out of being a "model" after the fact, was a bad choice for me.
I should have asked for a contract, about my appearance and future royalties.

We were told we were going to Osaka to a big stage where they people will dress us up and do our makeup.

When they said dress up, perhaps I should have asked, dressup in what? Suits? Designer jeans? Alas, I did not..... dumb again I am. About as smart as a rock (at least that's why my teacher used to say. Just kidding, no teacher would say that to a child, that's soul crushing).

I had only worn boxers not underwear (yes TMI, but I need to tell you for an element to the story soon to come to fruition). I've been waiting years to use that word "to fruition". Sorry, I get distracted so easily, ADHD issues again...

Sorry blog is showing my ADHD today x 1000.

We were told this was a volunteer job, but that the train ride would be reimbursed, and they would pay for a lavish dinner (I was dreaming of silverware and wine on a long table. The food would be on long silver trays and covered with massive silver domes). That also, was a grave error on my part. Strike 3?

When we go to their school "OSAKA MOODO GAKUIN", I was like this is dope man (as in "cool" not the drug dope for any not native English speakers reading this. I occasionally get emails, WHAT is a HOLY F, I could only find Holy Trinity or Holy Ghost in my dictionary is it an abbreviation of it). I always want to answer "Yes", but I figure that might destroy lives, if they get that wrong. Especially in a church. HOLY F everyone, God loves Holy F. It won't go over well.

After they led us in, they told us to take our clothes off. A little weird, but not the first time I've been asked (hahahaha. At least its for money this time, hahahha). I happened to be beside a Canadian girl, and the two American guys were on the other side, so I was thinking well at least I didn't get stuck with the guys and their dirty manliness.

I always thought she was cute, but whenever I tried a pickup line these were her answers.

Then out came the costumes. Oh boy, we were in for a surprise. I mentioned before that I thought we might be dressing up in suits or jeans, but no it was skin tight brightly coloured costumes.
They told us its Piccaso painting emotions. I looked at them thinking, wow, they look skin tight and I wore boxers, this is gonna be real weird.
And I was right.

One of the costumes was super cool with brown spiky hair. I was thinking Dragon Ball Z. I could pull it off. One of the other male costumes wasn't bad either with a big block head. The 3rd was the worst, it was red and white, and it has a heart balloon to go on the wig hair thing. I thought, that would be sh%tty to get, I hope I don't get it.
I tried to get the cool one and mentioned I wanted it, but they said based on our sizes they already decided.
Guess what. I was assigned the crappiest one.
Holy F!
They said its "love". Please act effeminate (unmanly). At least that part, they chose the right person as I'm a bit of a natural.
With the uncool boxers I wore, probably not going to be able to tell I'm a man anyways.

Face blurred to avoid being blackmailed. Notice the boxers underneath.

Look at that dope hair, I would have taken it. I could probably throw fireballs if I had it.

When we finally went up on stage infront of 800 people, I realized I made a poor choice.
After the day was over, went to the Izakaya (Tapa bar) and had ate too much.
The next day I had severe diarrhea.

It can always be worse, ALWAYS!

As its Christmas Eve, let me leave you with that image and wish you a Merry Xmas! I probably have should have better things to do then writing this damn blog.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Green Tea and Crumpets!

2017-10-04T11:39:00.001-07:00

Well sorry to let you know but this story contains no crumpets whatsoever. It was just a ploy to get you here.
I'm hoping it will spark interest with people that have twisted minds (and turned on by crumpets). I'd hoped it would be have the same pull as for those people looking for the words "SEX HERE" (I should note I always auto respond YES PLEASE).
I fear now that perhaps it would only work on the Brits, as they all have a appreciation for CRUMPETS (or is that just a stereotype?). Let's hope its not, and someone is actually reading this (and I mean anyone, there may be some money in it for you if you are. On the other hand there may not be. Its more likely to be the latter).

I hope there is no tobacco in that pipe or this is going straight to the SPCA.

No this blogpost is about Green Tea and Crumpets which is like oil and water, they just can't mix (unless of course you want to use detergent to emulsify it. As everyone knows, detergent is attracted to both water and oil molecules. If you don't know that, that is your science lesson for today).

As you know (or I hope you do), tea is an important part of Japanese culture. I want to say green tea only, but maybe I should just say tea in general. Vending machine everywhere serve it, restaurants, a person's house, office etc. Essentially everywhere ("dokodemo" which means everywhere as the cute character Doraemon says when he throws out his magic door that can take him to anywhere he wants to go).
The traditional tea ceremony called "Cha no yu" also serves it, though that one is bitter, and is not my cup of tea. Ha! That's a word play, not my cup of tea and its about a cup of tea. MWAHHWHHA why am I so funny with word play? I should seriously consider taking up rap. Though personally I never trust "white privilege" kids rapping about the hard life on the streets and living in the ghetto. They should be rapping about how their MacBook stopped working, and why their sweater gots a tear in the elbow (ya gots not got). Maybe about their Starbucks Venti (Italian coffee words brutal) being too hot. Cause that's too legit (to quit). I think I just stole that from a real rapper.... moving on.

I was lucky because I lived with a host family, so I was lucky to experience the changing seasons of teas. Different ones are served at different kinds of year just like the weather. Barley tea called Mugicha is served in summer. Its nice, especially when served cold from the fridge. My hostfamily liked to serve it with ice, so it was extra yum yum. I don't know how long you are supposed to leave it in the plastic pourer, but I found mine was mouldy or nasty when I made it myself after I was living on my own (like a bigboy at age 25). I left the teabags in it, perhaps its supposed to be removed and not big in the fridge while its still hot.

Naturally I do the Jedi way. I'll say I'm a natural, Yoda didn't even train me.

Winter, when its cold and depressing was served with a nice ryokucha (green tea) at my school. Tea ceremony and Starbucks served MACCHA (powered green tea, Starbucks one is super sugary).
A lot of the Sushi restaurants we went to served konacha (leftover junk green tea). Its like the low grade tea cause its bits and pieces of stems, small leaves, leftover leaves whatever thrown together. I liked it the most (cause I'm lowgrade I assume), and best of all its free (also a bonus) at most restaurants.

A lot of the Chinese restaurants served Oolong tea (also here in Canada at most Chinese places) or Jasmine cha (flowery one).

I always felt like I was surrounded by tea and I liked that. I also enjoyed all those maccha flavour candy, like Kitkats or other snacky snacks. Luckily lots of sugar to make up for the bitterness.

Seems to be a little upset, I suggest we get some now. Guessing she must be British. What is she a Queen (on TV she is LOL).

I read a few studies that said tea is a great drink for health due to the catechins (antioxidants). Most varieties have less caffeine than coffee. Interestingly monks like it cause it keeps them awake during the meditations (but to me Nirvana is sleep, so I would skip the tea).
There are some studies that seem to indicate that green tea helps with weight loss as one of the extracts helps the body to burn fat. I've always wondered why the Japanese are so thin compared to Westerner's. I don't think that's the only reason, but it may contribute to it.

I remember bringing some really nice green tea back from Japan. I gave it to my grandparents and told them this is the good stuff (not cheap for once), so enjoy it.
I found my grandmother drinking a cup that was an unrecognizable mud colour. I asked her what she was drinking, and she informed me the nice tea I bought her.
Nice tea has become mud, like that movie Slumdog Millionaire when the little boy jumped into the outhouse toilet hole (gross). I asked my grandmother why that colour? She said I added a lot of sugar and cream. Sugar and cream I thought? I've never heard of it with green tea, unless its maccha, and unfortunately for her, this wasn't maccha.

I figured at this point as might we well offer her a crumpet to go along with her not so green tea anymore, but then again, she's not British.

This seems highly inappropriate and funny. I should have given this shirt to my grandma instead of the tea.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

BE THERE or Be Square!

2017-08-31T22:10:00.001-07:00

This might sound like a command in English, but its more of joke used normally with children (the key word here is mostly).

It could be one with one child using it with another, or in a joking way between an adult and child. Of course, there is always the chance its serious and not a joke at all. If its two adults, expect an all out fight and if it involves weapons, move away. If it involves large dress up sumo suits, take some photo's and send them to me.

In Japan, something like "Be there or be square," would be more along of the lines of be there, or we decapitate you (with or without a smile possibly). Actually, that may be slightly overkill (that's funny cause I said decapitate before and I just used the word kill in overkill). I really crack myself up sometimes.
In Japan making your presence for work or social events is an obligation. It doesn't matter if you have nothing to do as long as you are there. You can stand around, pretend like you are doing something. Or not pretend and just sleep. Even snoring sounds are acceptable based on my observations.
It reminds me of those Simpson's episodes where Homer is supposed to be watching the security camera, and he's in deep sleep. In North American not acceptable, but in Japan, no problem cause you are there. You thought people slept already on the train on the way in (and therefore maybe full of energy), but you still find people sleeping all the time, in meetings, while talking to people etc. I even saw people fall asleep talking standing up answering the school phone. And I should add they also bowed, but of course the person on the other end isn't aware they are bowing. I started doing it too in my hopes of assimilation (I was like the biggest nail sticking out of the wood). I wanted to get hammered in but I never could (this is a Japanese expression I like, only I'm making a joke because I'm a foreigner and stand out).
Those people sleeping on the train were still tired probably cause they were obligated to stay at work late, then go to after parties, then get home super late, shower (hopefully), then start that cycle again.

This guy mean business. Frankly, I'm not messing with him.

And just to add to the confusion, cause I like mind games with words.
I don't want you to confuse your (personal) presence with (gift) presents, but both are equally important in Japanese society. As I alluded to in a previous blogpost, I gave a rotten melon to my hostfamily. It was beyond nasty, my fingers melted into it like it was butter. For me, it was the thought that counts.
Normally if I had given a nice $100 melon they would have recorded it in some hidden journal and wrote "Demon boy gave us a nice melon today, owe him something back for $100 ish". Instead they probably wrote "that mofo demon foreigner gave us a nasty melon, what a fuc$ker. I can't believe him. Let's get revenge on him in the future by slipping him some 'accidental" poison fugu fish on his next meal with us". That seemed fair, afterall revenge is sweet when served cold (or is that ice cream? Possibly both).

I never recorded anything when I was in Japan and I never remembered who gave me what. I'm sure I owe a lot of people things that I was given. I think I mentioned I once mentioned I wanted to buy a sword and all the sudden my host family bought me one. I felt a bit guilty now, but at the time I was like, can I rack it up even more? Some gold bars? Pixie dust? (the real magic dust one not some sort of code for drugs. Unless of course the drugs can make me feel like I'm flying with no side effects).

I want this one. Real pixie dust and I can fly like Tinkerbell.

The saying be careful what you wish for also comes into effect here.
Sometimes you have a balance owing for whatever was given to, if you like it or not.
This could result in a sliced off finger in certain circles, or broken bones in others.
I recall a story from my old Japanese teacher (a large white guy) who told me about a friend he had that kept going to this fancy steakhouse. The owner, a yakuza guy, said you can come here and eat anytime you want for free. His friend thought that was great, so he went everyday. He told his friend you should be careful or they might ask you to smuggle drugs, or do something worse in return. Nothing is free in life (except free craigslist section which I frequent daily, I got a nice iron yesterday, slightly rusty, but gets the job done)..
He didn't hear from that friend again.
Though I'm a bit concerned his "friend" was imaginary, its possible he's trying to give me a life lesson without telling me I'm an idiot (which of course everyone knows I am).

If that's true, he's the opposite of my wife. She likes to let me know, usually with weapons in her hands. Its at times like these I most desire pixie dust, to fly away.

That's not my wife, but it looks like her gun. Be careful.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Being Fake is Great!

2017-05-31T21:54:00.001-07:00

Being Fake is Great!

Been there, done that (I mean.... No.... I haven't).

And I don't mean like fake goods, though I shouldn't dismiss those either. I did have a few Lolex (Rolex) from China. They were dirt cheap compared to the real thing and left a yellow mark on my wrist. It was awesome! Like a free "fake" tan.

I also had some North Fake jackets. My friends in Canada were like oh you bought a North Face jacket? I said no, I bought in China and they noticed it was either North Fake or North Facs.

But don't tell Japanese friends that, I tried mentioning about fake goods onetime and my Japanese friends thought its like the evilest thing to buy and to wanted to call the FBI on me. Or whatever the equivalent in Japan was (JBI? MIB?). MIB isn't that funny I guess.

But regarding this post its a testament to the Japanese well oiled machine of "fake" social skills.
I like to call it being "fake" to make it easy to understand as its somewhat similar to our meaning.

You know in the West, a lot of people take sh#t for being fake. I remember in High School a lot of girls saying so and so is so fake. Fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake body part ABC. Or that she just pretends she likes something but hates it, that may be more a little in tune.

What's wrong with that? My Lolex said it too.

Japanese fake is kind of similar, but bring the notch up a bit cause everyone does it. If someone said they are so fake, they'd be covering everyone.

When someone pours hot boiling coffee (or we can substitute that for green tea) on you, you just smile and say I'm sorry for being in the way. When in actuality the MOFO that just did it is totally at fault and might I add, a total ass. The person that did the spilling should offer compensation and bow, ideally on the ground with their face near your feet (you better hope they don't smell like doggy do do. Mine usually do).
I remember seeing people on trains during rush hour packed. People are trying to get off and among the pushing, some ladies are losing their shoes (heels). They just smile while hobbling with one shoe. Just go without it, pretending like nothing is wrong. Since its a heel its even worse, its like hobbling with a pirate's wooden leg, totally off balance. Hmm, that wasn't overly funny either.
If I had lost my shoe, I'd probably press the Emergency STOP button for the train and tell everyone to start looking. I'd call the Japanese S.D.F (self defence force) and tell them start looking, it must be here somewhere (that's funny). If they have a national guard to call them out too.

I recall a few times while buying groceries, thinking well thanks for helping me, but in Japan the cashier is bagging your stuff and bowing, thanking you for your business. Its great and very fake.. Those few business' in Canada where they say "Thank you for your business, please come again".
I usually do. I'm a sucker for fakery (and as I already mentioned about Lolex).

It also has to do with language.
In Canada we can say "Hi" to strangers on the street, not a big deal.
I recall a few times, I figured well why not greet people like in Canada.
One guy was running towards me and I greeted him "Konnichi Wa!" He didn't know how to react, seemed like an electric eel had just zapped him. But he mumbled something back to me, which may have been an attempt to speak an English greeting back, "HAROOO". It reminded me of that South Park TEAM AMERICA movie with Kim Jong Il. On a sidenote I have a Korean friend at work last name Kim. Thought he may be related, but he informs me only 60% are named Kim, another 30% Parks, and the other randoms.

It just like that. Not better.

It definitely helps the society to be well oiled and cause less friction in situations.
Mind you, its a skill to know when someone is being genuine or not. Most of us foreigners are terrible at it. I probably mentioned in Japan you are supposed to refuse a gift a few times when given something. I would always just say sure and take it. If someone said no, I'd respond OK, just take the gift and eat it (even when it wasn't food, ha funny). On the bright side no one said they hated my soul, they just smiled and went back to what they were doing. It may have been "fake" and they did hate my soul.

I guess Valentine's Day is a similar thing and only a plus for men.
In Japan women gives men Valentine's chocolate. Ladies first... oh sorry this is Japan, men first, especially through the door or walking on the street.
I always thought I did quite well, till I found out that in Japan there is something called "giri choco". Giri is obligation and choco is chocolate. So basically chocolates they don't want to give, but have to. On the plus side every man is going to get at least one chocolate, on the negative side, 99% are fake and the person probably hates your guts, but gives it to you out of an obligation. Somehow I don't feel that bad about it, and gladly accepted it.

I love Japan. Or am I just being fake.
That's for you to guess and me to ponder.

Let me know if you see any good Lolex, the hands on mine don't turn anymore.

I didn't mean this cheap, has to look slightly more convincing than this.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Doggie bag without the dog!

2017-04-30T20:43:00.004-07:00

I sometimes wonder if Japan is becoming more Westernized due to more foreigners (evil one's of course) invading Japan or if there is a delay that trickles slowly over time. Over a few years I found a lot of things changed in Japan.

Like Chinese water torture upon someone’s brow (that's the imagery seems nice to start us off, because that's how my story feels like it ended and its still dripping on my head).

I hope its a golden wrapper to the chocolate factory again, but I fear its not!

I recall onetime as a student going with my friend Colin, who incidentally used to tell me I’m an idiot and don’t know anything (semi-true I guess). I met him at Uni in Victoria. He always seemed drunk to me. He did enjoy beer, so many he was (easier to get through class that way I guess). He was from some kinda famous posh private high school in Victoria. You would think he'd be a complete di#k (he was only 50% of the time) but somehow I found him funny, and for whatever reason(s) he hung out with us. Though he did have some "higher end more posh friends" he also hung with.

Once I went to Japan, he was going to a more prestigious University (since I was an idiot I didn’t go to Uni’s as good as him I guess). We met one time in Kyoto after I arrived for food.

We were desperate for food and hanging out with some random foreigners he knew (and they are evil cause they are foreigners too). It was like 2 pm and we didn’t know where to go. Usually there is food everywhere in Japan. Like every freakin block has a restaurant but for some reason the area was nothing (if my life was a movie I'd just need to add a few tumbleweeds like an old Western movie. You know those dust balls that roll through town when its dead quiet).
Finally after wandering what seemed like forever (at least 10 minutes), he said let’s go in the train station basement as it connects to a mall. We found a restaurant finally that looked closed & walked in (cause that's what you do when it looks closed, barge in. At least evil foreigners do).

They sat us down (they didn't seem overly impressed with our presence which is not typical Japanese style). Usually its at least faked. Maybe they had issues with foreigners before. At least it didn't have a sign NO GAIJIN allowed as a few shops did in Kobe. The restaurant was supposed to be Italian (which probably means, some weird Japan foods added into pasta). It was fairly pricey, so Colin says lets just order like 4 dishes and mix together and should be enough for all 6 of us.

Alas, the staff was horrified. There is a saying that the Chinese eat with their stomachs and the Japanese with their eyes. I guess mixing random sauces and weird flavours together is against the rules (but being evil we did it anyways. You might say real daredevil's). I don't mean like the Daredevil on Netflix, just so there is no confusion. We didn't wear red leather or do Kung Fu. Though I do have some self nun chuck training I've been learning from Youtube recently. I'm like Bruce Lee's long lost relative but much whiter. There's a link at the end of the post.

Mushrooms, spaghetti and strawberry style might be only in Japan and not Italy.

I didn’t really enjoy the pasta, tasted raw to me. Must have been “El Dente” (barely cooked), like blue meat (where you just touch the heat with it for a nano second and it’s done). That’s a guarantee of diarrhoea right there. If you ever want to eat meat like a dog, this is your chance.

Somehow we had a lot of pasta leftover (perhaps I wasn’t the only one that didn’t like it). Colin said let’s get it to go. Since we were paying more than its weight in gold I said good idea (though I didn’t wanna be the one to take it, unless I recooked it for 1 hour on the stove, even then it wasn't very enticing).

It occurred to me I had never learned the word “take it to go” in Japanese.

In Japanese he tried,

“Uhh hi, can we have a doggie bag?”

Looks of non-comprehensibility.

“Like you know a dog bag, inu bag”. Inu is dog in Japanese, so we thought that might sort things out. It didn't!

Not quite like this, but somewhat similar.

We couldn’t think of another way to say it. In retrospect, it may have been better to say TAKEOUT or Take away (as the Aussies say).

Colin started gesturing it out.

Using his hands on the plate to act out sweep it away in a bag and take it. No reaction from the staff. They really did seem to loathe us. Its rare I had that feeling ever in Japan.

I think they thought he was asking them to clean it up. They grabbed the plates, Colin asked if they are going to throw it out and they said yes.

I rummaged through my backpack and found an old plastic bag. I don’t remember what I had in it before, but hopefully not my old smelly underwear or socks (again).

I handed it to Colin.

He forked all the pasta into the bag and sealed it (the staff must have been shocked at our savageness). He handed it to me and said "Enjoy your dinner".

Fu$K I thought. "Thanks", I answered.

I threw it in my backpack. I forgot about it and a week later I found it. I guess there was a hole in the bag or it had become acidic from ALIENS spit and eaten through the bag. I had pasta sauce all over my bag. Fu$k I thought. Unlucky for me, one of the pasta’s was seafood so there were clams and shrimp in the sauce so it was extra “pungent”. Yum yum.

The next time I came to Japan I heard someone order a beef on rice. He used the words “mochi kaeri de”. Which was like “MOFO I was that shiz done for takeout yo”. In reality, it meant carry and go home with it. Which is supposed to be politely said “O-mochi kaeri”.
It seemed in a few short years takeout was now an option.

I did ask a few Japanese friends if that was typical not to have a takeout option. They seemed to think that was pretty "risque".They didn't think anyone would ask a high end restaurant or takeout. I explained it was a crappy Japanese Italian restaurant that served strawberries in their pasta (possibly the seafood one). They didn't seem to see a problem with that, so I let it go.

I consider this sacrilegious, but sometimes things are a little different in Japan.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Never Judge a Book By its Colour

2017-03-31T21:11:00.002-07:00

Yes I spelt that word colour. Its the proper "British way" and I'm "kinda British as a Canadian". If I was American I'd say color, but I digress.

Tried that before, needless to say, it did not end well, just a swift kick to my nuts.

You know the expression "Never judge a book by its cover", well this isn't that, but its somewhat along those lines. I'd say like "Never judge a book by its spine or index", but it doesn't really match my topic, so I'll go with colour. Its about skin colour, and misreading it. That's funny cause misread is also about a book but in this cause I mean misjudge. I'm so funny sometimes (why do I lie, I mean always). I love to talk to myself and tell myself how great I am. Some people say that's narcissistic (its better than sadistic I suppose. Another point in my favour. I am awesome).

As I interjected a few times in previous blogposts, people in Japan tend to assume if you are Asian in Japan, you are Japanese. Which is fair enough, if you are Swedish in Canada, most Canadians would assume you are Canadian. I only use Swedish cause I went to IKEA yesterday and had those meatballs. So the Swed's are on my brain.

Anywho...

There were a lot of problems with Chinese Canadians being thought of as Japanese. By pretty much everyone, including both Japanese and gaijin (foreigners), yes even other Chinese Canadians.

It can come in handy when you want to blend in a crowd, or a family totally hates foreigners with blue eyes and blond hair but they might you and are like oh, you look not that far off. On the other hand, when you don't act a certain way, bow deep enough (or at all), stop clapping/ start clapping at the wrong times, you start to look out of place (like a white albino among a heard of black albino's). That's also funny cause its wordplay, and fyi albino's are among any ethnic group, its just their melanin is missing so they are still white, but have characteristics of whatever group they are from.
If you also happen to be overly tall/ large compared to regular Japanese you also stand out. They will be thinking "something not right about this one". I had one of two very large Asian American friends that did not fit in well size wise, with the typical thin Japanese frame.

And that's funny on a few different levels, plus its more word play.

I think I mentioned the story about two Chinese Canadians that bumped into each other had no clue they are both Chinese Canadian then realized they both are. Became best of friends and had never even known about each other until that day. Even speaking to each other in Japanese saying "Excuse me (in Japanese Sumimasen)". Its a good expression to use you can never apologize enough in Japan for being doing the stupid idiotic things you will do outside the norm. Even if you don't think you need to say it I'd throw out some "Sumimasen's" at random. Everyone knew I did something wrong or had done and still making up for my past errors and idiocracies (which are beyond measure). I didn't break the family's 500 year old teaset like one of my friend's though, so I'm not that bad.

We all seem to jump to conclusions based on our "book colour".This is like my grade 6 English class. One of the questions, was like "What did the large strong tree in the family stand for?"
I'm just going on a limb (or maybe a branch here), but I'll go with "WHAT IS THE FATHER for $100 ALEX". I think I was right.
Can you decipher "book colour" on your own?

I remember a few aS$nhole American colleges (I don't wanna say friends) I had, that when we took the train to University in Kobe they'd be like "DAMN THAT GIRL IS A FOX, I'd love to see where she hides nuts during Winter". And then as she'd get off at the train stop be like "Thanks as$hats, I'm from Cali!". I didn't know if she was Chinese American (or Asian American or Japanese American), but whatever she was, they misjudged her book colour. They did not say "Sumimasen", which potentially could have made it better.

She definitely saw the Canadian flag I had meticulously (big word) sewn onto to my backpack. To announce to the world I AM CANADIAN (roll the beer commercial here).
I considered yelling "These assmonkeys I'm with are Americans! And bad ones at that". I didn't say it but I wanted to end with "And you are no fox to me. You are like a 6, if you are lucky! Sumimasen!"
But I didn't. I pretended I did and retold that story as if I did say it. Its called living in your own world and I like that. Trump and I could get along together well, like him and Putin. Snap!

There was some morale in this post, but you will have to dig it out yourself.
Its somewhere hidden in this bookshelf (SMAP! That's my like 10th book related reference).

You hosers! A Canadian ism for losers/ fool.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Smokers and Tokers!

2017-01-31T20:21:00.001-08:00

As you probably know in Asia people smoke like they eat, everyday and multiple times a day.
That's a cool paragraph to map out this story. I would like to only say in Japan, but really its most of Asia.
This map I'm describing is as effective as flat earth theory in describing the Earth (I capitalised Earth the 2nd time just for fun, though there is a grammar rule about when it should or shouldn't be, did you know? Made you think!).

Ahem, back to the blogpost at hand (I'm so easily distracted, DAMN YOU ADHD {now called ADD}).

That's cool, it might not be because of the MJ maybe ADHD.

Everyone smokes in Japan, but nearly nobody tokes. As I have probably mentioned many times, marijavagina (Mary Jane) is bad news in Japan. Its considered one of the worst drugs on the planet. In North America, its ONLY considered a gateway drug. You start there and work your way up to the nasty stuff, coke (not the drink) etc. Coke drink isn't that great for you either though.

Due to that reason whenever I smelt it anywhere I was confident it was a foreigner smoking it.
And I'm not sure they understood the risk of it (life in prison / complete shame and you being labelled one of the top criminals in Japan or worse). I can't think of anything worse, but there probably is something, let's leave it open ended like flat earth theory (there are still people claiming its true, oh god!).

In general I don't really like smoking and in Japan its hard to avoid it (kinda like the black plague was in the 14th century, only easier to avoid). People smoke everywhere or I should say used to.

I mentioned previously in a blogpost that when I was there the teachers had started smoking outside the teachers office. This was funny because they told me that before everyone just smoked wherever, whenever. During my years they changed the law and weren't supposed to smoke on property, but as they were addicted they sat in their cars and smoked. LOL. It was so obvious, all the kids knew. I think the purpose was so kids don't emulate. What a fail!
The perils of nicotine addiction its like riding the Titanic, at some point you are going down (though in all fairness it took the Titantic 2 hours 40 mins to sink).
I hope you have longer as a smoker.

I remember hearing stories about the Tokers. Even my white Japanese teacher (he wasn't white Japanese he was just white and spoke Japanese). He told us onetime he stayed over at a friend's house and the police came to raid their place. I don't remember the gist of the story but somehow as they entered they shoved all the marijavagina into the potted plant and didn't get caught. Funny (and probably not true). You might say as true as flat earth theory.

This is bamboo leaves, do not smoke it! Though legal if its your bamboo.

I did know a guy that occasionally smoked MJ in Japan (not bamboo but possibly). He was quite funny. Italian American but for some reason thought he was black. I told him its dangerous to smoke that and if you get caught they cut your balls off. I figured that would persuade him from going down the path to the dark side (a Star Wars reference obviously).
He didn't listen to me. But he didn't listen to anyone.

Onetime during a fight I heard his Japanese girlfriend threw him through a window at his place.
When he invited me over one day and there was still glass on the floor I semi believed it.
Needless to say the fact that it was not cleaned up told me at least they were on the rocks (what girl would allow glass to stay on the floor, its a guy thing).
I believed it as much as flat earth theory (see you don't know which side I'm on!)
The end.......... (of flat earth theory). I hope.

Don't do it in Japan unless you wanna be on Japan's FBI list of top criminals.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Fill me UP!

2016-12-31T22:58:00.000-08:00

I don't want to tell you the subject in the first sentence for I fear you might think the topic is full of gas and leave.

As you probably know from my 10,000 other blogposts, I've mentioned that service in Japan is top notch. Haircuts always have a happy ending, and by that I mean a nice massage. In between you are probably given a nice boiling wet towel to rub your greasy hands and face on, its FANTASTIC!

So minor and yet, so great.

I also enjoy the bows while greeting and on the way out. Its like I did them a favor and they are thanking me. Saying "IRRASHAIMASE!" which is essentially a simple WELCOME is a nice touch too.

I realise its all fake, but its still nice (just like Pamela Anderson haha not funny).

Imagine if you can't read Japanese. I always went for the cheapest and hoped there wasn't too much water in it. Wait, they don't do that in Japan? Maybe water costs too much.

Well today's topic is another place that many people have to visit while living in Japan.

It doesn't sound overly exciting but it can be quite fun.

As I may have mentioned I had two vehicles while in Japan. For the first year and a 1/2 I froze my butt off in the snow, and melted like a candle in the summer heat.

My co-worker (A half Japanese half Chinese American but family lived in Korea, so Korean influenced) and I bought a car together.

I wasn't too familiar with the vocabulary for gas stations as that wasn't something I'd ever learned at University while studying Japanese. That was more like "What time is it? Hi Mr.Tanaka" etc. Very useless stuff that no one ever uses (I later learned the object can be removed from a Japanese sentence most of the time as it was usually understood, and my Japanese teachers used to lie to say its always needed).

When I first went to the gas station I went myself. Unlucky for me, that some of my students worked at the only gas station near my place. They were part of what I called the "bad kids". Not the ones that might murder me, but fairly close.

Oneday I drove my car in and got a nice bow. The person said something to me of words I'd never heard before.

I answered "YES" in English. He looked at me, it wasn't my student, but I could see one of my students inside the gas station.

He did not understand and neither did I.... oh mother trucker!

I got out of the car and reached for the gas nozzle, 3 people ran out of the shop, seemingly not impressed the damn foreigner was about to pour his own gas. They probably thought gas was unique to Japan and foreigners don't use it (yes a lot of things, I got asked that, I thought its just a bad joke but people were serious). You have rice in Canada?

"Mantan desu ka".

What the hell is a mantan I thought. I didn't have Google or smartphones back then, so I repeated "Yes" again in English.

One of my students came out and bowed. I realized this is probably the only time he'd ever bow to me. At school he was a total d$ck. A few times he threw erasers and spat spitballs at me. I contemplated breaking his fingers each time. I think he thought I was joking, but in reality I was holding back my inner 24 Jack Bower and ready to inflict some pain anyway I could, to get some terrorist information out of him (cause he threw erasers and its very similar).

He did his fake bow and started cleaning my windows. The thought of spitting on the widow and making him shine it also crossed my mind (that's a little mean, maybe I shouldn't have said the truth this time). Then when he went to shine it, crack one finger. He'd probably still be obligated to bow and thank me for coming.

They grabbed the gas nozzle from me (in a nice way) and filled up my tank. He asked "FURU OK?" meaning FULL is OK?

I realized maybe mantan is mixed word, man as in full and tan, short form of gas tank(tanku).

Turns out I was right.

My car was shined, windows buffed, they asked if I had any garbage in my car the throw out and took it away.

I paid and thought I'd get a bow.

All four of them assisted. One went to the road to block imaginary traffic, the other directed me onto the road (because I didn't know where it was I guess).

Another stood very close to the car (and very close to my wheel about to crunch his toes and he did a deep bow. Everyone bowed and thanked me.

I said "YES" in English and drove away into the sunset (there was no sunset it was already dark, but just pretend to end on a perfect note).

Gas served, bow necessary. Direction onto road mandatory. I like!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Oh No they are coming!!

2016-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

Many a time I saw some nice dressed up white people biking around the crappy rice field area's on bikes (bicycles, not cool motorcycles). As they biked around on their granny bikes they always dressed in Sunday's finest (that's a religious overtone for you).
Always with dress shirt, a tie and grey dress pants.

When it was a scorching summer (as I was fairly evident Global warming was real. So if Trump pushes through his agenda of denial, I hope some Americans will correct his path to UH OH's-ville) many wore shorts. Whilst they looked professional I looked like I was worth $5. I literally was. I went through a whole phase of dollar stores only clothes. In Japan you can get your whole wardrobe there.
My socks, underwear, shirt and shorts were from the dollar store. I was happy I was not a girl because all of the above were so thinly made, it was pretty much see through. A very unwise choice when it rains (unless that floats your boat of course).

LOL, this is a big hint, if you don't get it, you should learn it.

Anyways, the agent Smith type people (minus the cool sunglasses) and top suit jacket.

A few of them spoke Japanese.
I didn't know who they were. My first assumption was businessmen. As to why their ages looked to be so young I wasn't sure.

My next assumption was FBI or some rogue agents doing reconnaissance (its a big word, from French if interested). As to why they would do that in a rice field I wasn't sure (obviously for deniability?)

What interested me as that it was always white males, younger (moderate good looking {HAD NOTHING ON ME!!}), seemed to be Americans and looked clean (shaven and style).

Like poster boys for something (and they really did appear like almost boys).

Based on this title, you are probably thinking Aliens impersonating us as the perfect specimen, but no, I'm saying Mormons.

That's who they were.... MORMON's!

Oh god! (that's funny cause its a catchphrase but its also about religion).

Now I now you think is this gonna get start getting mean dissing the Mormons, not really. If I was going to pick a group to pick on, might be Scientologists (the tell all by Leah Remini seems to lay out a lot of the closed door stuff). Some of that stuff is really out to lunch, not that Mormon's aren't, but this is about Japan, so I'll let you make your own decisions about Kolob (the holy star/ planet) from the Mormon holy book of Abraham. Oh lord! (I did it again! I truly love wordplay).

LOL. LOVE IT!

It was so funny to be similar but so different at the same time.They never came to my door, I'm not sure why. It may have been due to me putting a line of salt infront of it to ward off ghosts (or reborn anything that was supernatural), but I'm not really sure.

Its also possible that whoever came to my door could read Japanese. As I previously mentioned in another blogpost, I thought I'd transcribe my foreigner devil name into Chinese characters, but unbeknown to me it said "I'm always absent", so I never got my mail. I did get the NHK lady asking for money to pay NHK (like CBC in Canada, BBC in England or PBS in USA) but they collect door to door and its mandatory. I told her I didn't have a TV (it was blaring loud in the background). After I spoke to her in Japanese, I told her a few times I only spoke English. LOL.
I should have added and I have a sudden case of amnesia only related to language.

I also didn't get a large amount of visitors, so once in a while it was nice to see someone. Even if they were trying to steal my hard hard money for some TV show that primarily played news, about topic I had no interest in (the Japanese economy). Its about as interesting as opening a door (that fell a little flat, but I can't think of anything overly funny right now).

I didn't have a lot of interaction with them, but I'd go to really remote parts of town where there were no foreigners (most of my back water town) and I'd see one riding his bike on his merry way trying to push his Kolob stuff to some unsuspecting sucker.

I looked it up onetime while I was there and it said a lot of people use the Mormon's. I didn't really get it. From most people's experience they were super polite so the Mormon thought he was converting someone and in turn they thought they were getting free English lessons.

I thought that was funny, not sure who was the sucker in that case.

Count me in! Or ... not.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Look for Trouble It Finds You!

2016-10-31T23:08:00.002-07:00

I recently watched some YouTube video's about Yakuza, aka the Underworld (not the movie, the actual underworld). Lifestyles of the real nightlife in Japan. FYI I see there is a new Underworld movie about to be released (the trailers look deceivingly good. The story kinda plateaued for me, then dropped faster than Felix Baumgartner from the stratosphere).

I remember my High School Japanese teacher (who I mentioned many times is a white guy) seemed to have all sorts of trouble with the Underworld. I hope his stories were true (there as no vampires in them). Even if they weren't, they were highly entertaining and led me down a path to the dark side. You might call him (Darth VADER!) and he is not my father (that I'm aware!)

In these YouTube videos a couple American guys are talking about drinking and clubbing and looking for girls. They don't care if the girls have boyfriends or not. That seems to be where the problem starts (foreshadow. It doesn't matter what country you are in, that won't end well, and no I don't know from experience).

One guy states "Those MOFO's do NINJA sh#t to kick our asses! They are always training to beat someone". I laughed, its a statement with semi truth.

Watch out you will never see them coming!

Let me emphasize you NEVER judge a book by its cover. You might be thinking this nerdy mofo who is 5 feet tall, can't do sh#t, then ninja’s might pop out at you. And he undoes his suit and inside he has ninja clothes on, swords and throwing stars.

The samurai spirit or mentality is still alive in Japan. As I mentioned in previous posts I saw some mofo’s do some crazy “Ninja” sh#t.

I saw people get choked out, arm breaks at judo. My own ribs and almost neck break (and I'm 5 feet tall and 100 pounds).
I saw little old men with no muscle do wrist locks or me and other people and make them scream like little girls (I usually scream that way in all honesty). It was impressive to say the least (and I have the marks on my body to prove it). Let me know if you can find out any voodoo techniques to pass those body marks to someone else (or if you met Dr.Strange. I'm not sure he's real yet, I'll check out his Marvel documentary to make sure his magic is legit).

In Japan a lot of children learn Judo or other martial arts. The school I taught at only had Judo, but they did a workshop on SUMO (I wasn't interested in seeing the loincloth on myself or others so I skipped it). Other schools may also have karate, kendo, aikido etc. There must be some that teach how to throw ninja stars called "shuriken" in Japanese. I hope they don't lace them with poison, kids would be dropping left and right.
After school those kids (or shall I say mofo's) are still training the same martial art or a different one. So they train day, night, weekend. Of course they are going to be proficient (aka able to kick ass with ninja sh$t). This should come as no surprise.

Let me express that there are no MCDojo's in Japan. If you don't get that word let me break it down for you.

Hmm, only a few months to get a black belt, must be legit!

You cannot buy your belt in Japan, you have to earn it. In Canada, there are a couple companies (especially karate based ones, don't wanna mention names or I may have a lawsuit coming).
People pay to buy each belt.
In Japan, at minimum you must put the time in. There are many crappy lower level black belts, but it doesn't mean they didn't spend 1000's of hours training (and doing ninja sh$t too).
A black belt of lower rank is seen as the beginning of the path, but here its seen as the end.
Once you are higher ranked, your skills will be so good, you may be learnt how to be invisible and touch of death (that's sarcasm, so don't expect it to be real, as for the Marvel Universe and Dr.Strange's magic the jury is still out).

So the moral of the story is simple, you might think that you being muscular and 6 ft 1, with 200 + pounds on a little scrawny Japanese guy means something, but it doesn't.

If you throw gas on the flame and try to steal someone's girlfriend, you may be in for a beating (and I may join in too).
Just cause you are a gaijin (foreigner) doesn't mean you have the right to be an as$hole.

Heed my words grasshoppers, for I am the ancient one (just like in the Dr.Strange movie, like how I used that three plus times?) By the way, the ancient one (in the comics) is supposed to be Asian but they hired a white for it. That's nice.
Hollywood is so with the times ;-)
On that note since its almost election time in the U.S. so is Trump. LOL!

LOL. And this guy might be President? You Americans are so funny.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Really ANNOYING WORDS from English!

2016-10-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever shudder when you hear certain things, or someone makes the same mistake over and over? (I sometimes also shudder when I pee my pants, but that's for a separate blog post (hope its not too TMI). Hope you are looking forward to it.

I use to have a co worker (in Canada) that always said "my staffs always listen to me". I wanted to slap him across the face (he was my boss, so maybe not a good idea).
It used to piss me off to no end (just like a Duracell battery? It kept going and going... and going....)

Its probably not worth being strangled by Darth Vader. Get it right! Its a command not a suggestion.

There are many words that the Japanese language has borrowed from English and Japacized (not to be confused with infanticide, and not nearly as terrible to most people, but to me both are disgraceful.

For some reason, certain words make me shudder and the only way to release my anger is to slap someone. Slap myself? Doesn't work, I tried!

PROTEIN. You know the stuff you get from meat and muscle builders eat a ton of.
In Japan its called PRO - TAIN. Like PRO but TAIN(T) minus the T. I just wanna slap the nearest person when I hear it. Its super annoying. I guess I should avoid the muscle bound types for slapping.

Dump Truck DANPUKAA
like as in DAN (name) PU (poo) kaah (like yelling kaaaaaaaaaa in a fight). Sounds like a child invented that word. I hate it with a passion (like Passion of the Christ, except no passion for Christ).

HORMONE(S) = HORUMON
I hate this word. WHORE MOHN (the MOHN is like the exact way a Jamaican would say MAN, MOUHN). As in hormones but also used when eating meat sometime at yakiniku (meat grilled on a BBQ). I hate it when someone asks "Do you want to eat hormones?" Sounds sick (and it is). LOL! I want to take that meat and put it where the sun don't shine (wait this sounds sexual). Its not supposed to be.

Seems a little overly direct. I like it.

I guess I should play devil's advocate (more devil and less advocate) and state that in the West we also Anglicize (turn it into English) to make words sound better for us.

Here are a few reverse examples that may drive Japanese people insane (and slap someone around them).

SAKE- I've never heard anyone in the West say this right, its SAAH KE(H). Everyone says SAKEY, there is no key sound. When Japanese people are trying to figure out what the hell you want, you think you're funny giggling and they don't. They are trying to comprehend your horrendous Japanese pronunciation.

GEISHA (its gay shah) not GI SHA or GAI SHA. Gei (gay) means Art and Shah (person). A person of art, although Geisha have many skills, one of those about deflowering seems to be the only thing us Westerns take from them. They also have many skills such as conversational skills and language trickery, instrument playing, makeup skills, serving drinks and food, singing etc. Its a wide array of talents, not laying on their backs (even I could do that one. Sounds sexual again, tone it down).

ORIGAMI, as in OREA(H) GAHME not ORAH GAMI. ORU means to fold, and becomes ORI, GAMI means paper, so literally you are saying folded paper. Everytime you say it wrong they probably want to fold you (in a really painful way).

TEMPURA (tem puhhh rah). Don't say Tampura or Tamponra. I don't want to eat tampons or have it get mixed up with my food (again). Its a joke although a dirty one. You probably just shuddered.

Sounds about right. Just replace grammar with English loan words. A bit of a mouthful though.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Meeting Famous People

2016-08-31T11:19:00.002-07:00

LOL!

I'm laughing already remembering the time "I may" have met Utada Hikaru.
If you don't know she is a massive JPOP (Japanese POP) star. She does have some English songs (and she has perfect English. That's good because love you doesn't become "rab you" as many popstars in Japan do). She is huge in Japan. In English her songs never seem to hit the nail on the hammer (or reverse, whatever it is).
I put the emphasis on "maybe" about meeting her cause "maybe" I didn't. It wasn't in person, if you are thinking how didn't I know. I could go for an edgy racist joke here, but I'm not going to.

This story brings me back to my youth (what seems like long long ago).

One day I was using "ICQ messenger". If you are wondering what the F is that? You are very young and I am very old. Like an old wiseman teaching Kung Fu to his young grasshopper (or in this case Karate, cause Kung Fu is Chinese, don't mix it up MOFO).
Its basically texting for when the internet started to go mainstream. Yes I used to have to buy internet usage by the hour, an absurd sum of like $10 an hour. My parents probably thought I was doing assignments and I was messaging and surfing porn (what teenage boy didn't?)

I did a random chat one day, I have no clue what I wrote. but the girl introduced herself as a New Yorker, who is Japanese. And to top it off her mother used to be an Enka singer. These things also match Utada Hikaru's life perfectly, but I guess its possible it "may" not have been her.

Now at that time I wasn't very intelligent (nor am I now. Things didn't improve much. Must have been the porn surfing HAHA). I'm still not the sharpest tool in the shed. More like a light that has burnt out half way (I think that's called going dim. If I were smarter I'd know).

I have no clue if I asked her for a picture or I suggested exchanging photos but she sent me one. LOL!
She played me, like a violinist plays a piano (or a violin whatever). She sent me some model type girl in a swimsuit. Kinda weird thing to send to a random guy in some foreign country, but I'm happy. I thought so beautiful (saved me time searching for porn myself). This ICQ is great! Insert ICQ sound here (if you don't know it, its a unique du du sound. You could look it up instead of surfing porn).
I don't know fancy web programming (now called coding to sound more cool) so I'm not sure how to make a link popup and not close this one). Regardless if you are interested in the ICQ sound click the link and come back cause SPOILER ALERT, BOOBS ahead! I mean boobs in both sense. As idiot and the real thing.

Link to the du du sound I think. I hope the link works. Come back after for the boobs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iCPIUGnHQ8

I probably told her, wow your face and body are amazing like a model.
A few years later I was cleaning out my computer and a Japanese friend asked why I had that picture? I said oh some girl I met, she said I don't think so, its a model and she's wearing a swimsuit. What girl is going to send that, especially a Japanese one (I should have realized most Japanese are more reserved than us brash foreigners). Good point! I am dim (dimwitted).

The picture was something like this. I should have realized this body type is not normal and looks to be a pro pic. But I wasn't too smart. Hopefully not airbrushed, you can only dream!
SORRY GOOGLE DELETED THIS PIC SO I PROVIDE A LINK or it violates the young ins eyes I guess.

Another time I was reading about how Utada Hikaru said in an interview she used to do random ICQ chats. It seemed to re emphasize my belief it was her. The evidence piled up like the theory of evolution (only its actually a fact, because we generally use theory to mean guess in slang, but in a scientific sense, a "theory" is much more than that, its explaining the evidence that we have. There is no guess of evolution, The evidence is overwhelming, from many independent sources that's the icing on the cake. I had a person say to me "its just a theory" the other day. I didn't realize how ignorant he was, until I realized he didn't care what the evidence showed because he had a religious agenda. Hard to talk to people who make up their mind before seeing or listening to the evidence).
Anyways my Utada Hikaru evidence wasn't as compelling as that of evolution (that sentence made me sound like I'm writing a report instead of surfing porn). But nevertheless, it was still strong.
I have a feeling it was her. She's highly intelligent and was playing me. Entertaining for her, and now 20+ years later for me.

Apparently can also make fun of me too, "maybe".

Strangely one of my friend's brothers knew her (non Japanese Canadian guy). He was going to international school in Tokyo and she also went there. I think she was only semi famous by then, but everyone knew who she was. He personally couldn't care less if she was famous. He didn't care about much it seems, but that's a sidetrack to be visited on a different blog story.
If I had known him then I would have asked him to go up to her and be like "Do you remember the time you met a random guy on ICQ and you sent him a model pic. Well its 20 years later, but he wants a confirmation it was you."

She'd probably be like "What fool would fall for that? What a dumbass".
Me, I guess. haha.

Checkmate Utada (or "maybe" someone else).

Well it could have been Utada (I think on the left), or a copycat just like here (I think the one on the right). The one on the right says "Rab(u) you" cause her English she couldn't emulate.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Green Tea with a chance of love (meatballs)

2016-07-31T22:37:00.003-07:00

OK, Green Tea with a Chance of Love ..... or Meatballs?
Either one could be good, whatever comes first, I suppose.
The intent was to sound like the title of the movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", but I couldn't quite find a smooth sounding title so I stuck with this one above (rough, like a 5 o'clock shadow).

On a sidenote, I love to rub my 5'oclock shadow over smooth skin (even my baby loves it, till mom see's his red skin and asks why he has a massive rash, I just tell her it might have been a swarm of mosquito's (ideally without Zika). You didn't think I would say it, but I did. ZIKA! Its the equivlant of saying "LORD VOLDEMORT!". Until he shows up I'm going to keep saying it (which might be soon based on the windy sounds I've been hearing, could just be natural but probably not, I'll assume its supernatural to be safe).
I always try to insert some relevant news in the blog (I was going to make a joke about athlete's in Brazil for the Olympics but Lemi Levoto's mom already did that. Read the news if you don't know the lastest celeb gossip people).

Not Japan related, but weather related, no meatballs in this forecast.

As you may or may not know there is a whole sh$tload of different kinds of green tea in Japan.
Just like Pokemon! (another relevant tidbit of information in the news)
In Canada we might just say green tea to mean every bleedin' type. I've been pretending to be Irish recently and add 'bleedin' to some sentences. My 'bleedin' brain. My 'bleedin' socks. Literally they are not bleeding (that I'm aware of). Might explain the fading colour of my socks though (bleedin' dollar store brand).

One of the really popular types of tea is matcha (Green tea, which is usually a powder when served properly in a tea ceremony).
There are also "goodies" aka treaty treats that are matcha but they are (bleedin') delicious and sweet. Real matcha is quite bitter and frothy. It looks nice in a cup, but when you taste it you probably want to spit it out (I did twice during a tea ceremony. I imagine the person doing the ceremony was like ungrateful mother fuc$ken devil comes to my ceremony, spits out my deliciously/ ceremonially made tea and returns it more frothy than before and expects me to clean out spit from the cup.
Regardless of their opinions I always got a smile and a please come again at the end (while they were probably thinking, if I ever see you outside of this ceremony ideally I push you infront of an oncoming train. I never want to see you again, never come back even though I'm pretending I want you too. If the world ends and it comes down to only you and me, we are not going to repopulate this earth together, I rather it ended. That the whole of mankind suffers due to your unbelievable gestures and tea spitting.

Long Island Ice Tea. That's a dry joke, its not even bleedin' funny.

Japanese people have a great skill in that even when things are going bad or they hate your soul (like completely), they will give you a smile and a thank you. I bleedin' love it.
Imagine how many difficult situations could be deal with. All you need is a smile and a thank you (or an apology even though you didn't do anything wrong). Puts people off guard and creates a harmonious environment (known in Japan as WA).

There is an expression in Japan "Ocha shinai?" Won't you do tea?
And that means literally means "Won't you do tea?" but actually means, why don't we go to a tea house, drink tea and gaze into each others eyes. Hope some sparks fly (like a Nicholas Sparks movie THE NOTEBOOK!), then see where the nearest love hotel is. I thought it was funny, so I used that expression a few times (even though I had a g/f. I thought it might break the ice). Its a pretty dated expression and these days its more likely to be a Starbucks down the street, their matcha filled with sugar/ milk and never ending whip cream. YUM YUM! I never spit that one out.

Coffee has become pretty popular these days and you can buy it heated (yes heated) from vending machines pretty much anywhere (probably even on Mt.Fuji but I'm not 100% sure, I've only been to some smaller mountains and they had it at the top). Fuji they might be worried of putting one there since next volcano blast its gonna melt the machine (but it will get that coffee real hot!)

The proper way to say tea shop is "Kissaten" written in Chinese characters as 喫茶店. My Japanese teacher (white guy) told me he used to try to buy a coffee during the 1980's in Tokyo and he had to pay about $10 per coffee so that word kissaten was easy for him to remember, since it was "kiss a ten goodbye". LOL.

My ending sentence is the same as my beginning one, not smooth (like a tree's bark).

Mama always told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed (like a bleedin' rubber hammer),

Looks so nice, but it tastes like sh$t! Add sugar like Starbucks and do not spit back into bowl. Trust me I know from experience. You may still get a smile (of hate).

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My newest blog about being a TERRIBLE FATHER

http://howtobegoodfather.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly

2016-06-26T09:01:00.002-07:00

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly

Ah racism. Based on skin only. What a thing....

Oh, well in this case just sounds wrong.

I thought there was an expression "never judge a book by its cover", but I guess people pay that no heed (heed is a cool word, makes me sound British <PRE BREXIT British>). Funny?

When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of the Fox channel (don't judge!) They also have Simpsons and Family Guy.
During commercials they would say "RACISM. DON'T PLAY THAT GAME!"
I didn't know what Racism was. But I know it very well now. I don't play that game. But it did get played on me. I do play the GAME OF THRONES (and I'm trying to make everyone heed making me King). Tyrion Lanister is about to gain CASTERLY ROCK again (sorry that's a rave about my new favourite TV Show GAME OF THRONES). If you don't get it you are not a G.O.Thrones FAN. Become one, its entertaining beneath the sex, deceit and dragons. In that precise order. I prefer the dragons myself (well actually also the sex).

I grew up in a very white town (some of those kids had probably never seen another skin type). I can't say I really understood racism till my cousin insulted my girlfriend who is now my wife (Chinese Canadian, born and raised in Canada). He looked at her "Your English is very good, when did you come to my country?" First off her English is the same as yours and you are judging her based on her skin. 2nd of all F#K you (if you are reading this I mean in a good F#K you way, if possible).

Now, that's positive racism. Or its just true so not sure its racism.

When I went to Japan I guess that's the first time I experienced real racism, both the good, the bad (and the ugly).

I think that regardless of your colour, they are going to be a bit of both in Japan. In other countries maybe only the bad. I'm not sure if South Africa still has "white is right attitude" but when I was 10 I watched a movie about it. I forget the name. Maybe The Gods Must be Crazy? Or was that about a coke bottle dropping from the sky. I forget.
On a completely different side note they weren't that nice to the aliens in District 9 either (if you didn't know District 9 draws parallels about racism and mistreatment in South Africa).

In this case, we could have known since day 1. Snap! Positive racism!

I saw some touching moments of hugs and genuine friendships happen with some elementary kids and a lot of the non white people (Maori from New Zealand, African Americans, Mexican Americans etc etc etc). I felt like the racism card hadn't entered the card deck yet. Not programmed yet.
In my experience of students I felt a little bit like CHARISMA MAN and then on the lower part of the scale like an alien invader that should be executed at first site (you should read my story about getting kicked in the face by a student).

Check this out if you are interested in Charisman Man, its semi-true. Rock Star, God, Too COOL.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charisma_Man
To throw a little science (call me Dr.Nye). This might be similar to the Halo effect (optical illusion). It appears like its a circle around the sun, but really its just an illusion (just look being a Rock Star is an illusion cause you aren't one. They only think that cause you are white and categorized together).

Some racism I experienced was both physical and verbal. Occasionally I laughed about it (but many times I didn't!)
I had a few kids as I mentioned previously that liked to rip my hair out of my arms and legs. It F#*#kn hurt like you wouldn't believe (about the same level as waterboarding. Look it up). Sometimes when you pull hair it bleeds, so I'd have blood dripping down my arms and staining my white shirt (and white skin too, that's not convenient having white skin). Rubbing suntan lotion on freshly scalped hair (ouch!). It was like throwing water on the sun (sizzle sizzle).
I also had a few kids that told me to "F off an die!", "Go home to your own country and die", "Filthy foreign demon, die". I didn't know if they meant it (Now I think they did).

I also had a girl that liked to pet me. I wasn't sure which area of racism this was under good or bad. She kept repeating "Your body is so strange! Its really weird". She would rub my fingers, arms, and put her grimy hands through my hair. The jokes on her I had lots of cheap gel in it! Nya nya! <- Evil cat laugh Japanese style.

I also had another girl that asked if I could hold her hand, Maybe she wanted to take me to the zoo or show her parents a monkey?
I felt weird about it so I did my best to avoid her (I told her I had SARS and ran away a number of times). I hoped she would think I got SARS, got over it then got it again.

As I mentioned before, I also had the joy of having my genitalia stared in public baths and onsens (hot springs). Yes I was different and because of that there seemed to be some Superman style beaming eyes burning into me, but sometimes curiosity kills the cat (I'm not suggesting anything diabolical here, just a running commentary if this is good or bad racism by being stared at).
It feels embarrassing, but it also feels good cause people want to see your genitalia (I try that here but I often get arrested for "lewd conduct"). Its not lewd, its a lesson of male anatomy (a perfect specimen). I don't get arrested its just a joke (I get away with it though, mwahhahah!) <- still evil laugh but not cat style one this time.

I didn't particularly appreciate being the literal outsider as the word GAIJIN (outside person means). Although depending on the context I liked to translate it as "foreign devil sent from the depths of hell to pollute the earth and stain the clean"). Heed my words (I used heed for the 3rd time, hat trick!)

On the flip side, many times I enjoyed being a ROCK STAR.
"You are berry (very) good looking", I was once told. "Rook (look) like David Beckham".
I couldn't really argue with that cause its true.

Ouch! That's the racist stuff right there.
Definitely not a positive way!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My newest blog about being a TERRIBLE FATHER

http://howtobegoodfather.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Eat Fast, Sh$t Fast, Die Fast!

2016-05-31T21:20:00.002-07:00

That's a nice expression.

You probably thought, I've come to the wrong blogpost, it sounds a little off (not only off from the centre, its justified! Like as in word format, justified! Not like Justin Timberlake).

It would help if its JUSTIFIED. Or not!

Well anywho.....

This nice expression I heard a few times. I wondered what was up with that. I noticed due to Japan having a lot of people there seemed to be a rush to do things fast.
I'm not sure if this is unique to Japan, or even to everyone.
Its more from the WWII days, so its a bit dated, but the point I guess is do your main functions fast.

EAT FAST

Many a time I would be trying to enjoy the first bites of my food when I was told we were going to leave the restaurant.
WTF? I just started eating though. I always considered filling up my pockets with whatever food it was (sushi, curry, tonkatsu, tempura). Cause I'm sure those will sit well in your pockets and not stain your groin area. If they do just say you went to bathroom in your pants (cause that's cool and adult-like).
I think soy sauce comes out well from clothes anyways, so not to worry (I'm kidding. Once its set in, you are screwed, I did it once to a pair of beige corduroys pants. I continued to wear them and people continued to point out there was a stain. A never ending cycle. I don't believe in throwing things out regardless of how stained they are or holes).

I was always the last to finish eating. I felt guilty (but not as bad as those people with dead hookers in their trunk. Shizam! Terrible I know). I would look around and everyone would wait for me. I knew they were not subtle hints when they said "Its getting late", "We need to go", "We are using a lot of valuable time".
But seriously if I don't have time to digest properly things might not sit well (and I really mean that).

Sh%t Fast

When it came to the bathroom there was good and bad.
The good was that I had to go and I seemed to be on a liquid only stool. I didn't need much time, everything came out from the faucet so to speak (graphic I know, but hey at least I didn't link it to curry).
The bad, I now linked it with curry while saying that, sorry. In addition, while it was fast, it was a repeat like a record stuck on one part forever (most of you probably don't even know what a record is, or an 8 bit NES. I am getting old. I used to think 8 bit was f'n amazing. Now people have 3D, 4K and 360 video/ games).

I had a few problems, not sure if due to the food or due to eating the food too fast.

Die Fast

I sometimes repeat the expression myself to keep myself on track. As I can't seem to do it eat fast, sh%t fast, die fast. At least the first one. The other two, maybe. I haven't tried the third, but I'm sure its easy enough, you probably only need one try (and I'm not willing to do it, no matter what my psychologist tells you). My A.D.H.D (ADD)/ hypochondriac (anxious about health issues). psychotic state seems to have levelled itself due to the placebo pills of sugar. Cause you know sugar is always good for you (especially if nuts). By the way if I know its a placebo I'm not nuts, cause I'm tricking my mind into believing it. That means I'm part Star Wars JEDI (not Anakin though because "Spoiler alert" he's a bad one and becomes Darth VADER!)
I'm just kidding I don't have any of those or have a psychologist (yet), but after hearing this expression a few times, it definitely sent me closer to that path (of non enlightenment).
I may be slightly O.C.D, I like to wash my hands till my skin shines, but other than that I'm relatively normal (except for the dead hooker's in my trunk SHIZAM! I got you again).

There was only one thing I wanted while eating out in Japan (at a restaurant), I get to eat slowly, the other two can come later (sounds sexual somehow but its not).

Alas (that's a cool descriptive word), I see even now there is pressure from some people in the Japanese GOV'T to have elderly die fast to put less pressure on the medical care system. In the old days it was about doing what was ordered and dying on the lines in War. I guess both are similar and set to serve your country. Imagine doing that in Canada or U.S.A and being told to do it fast.

Some info here http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jan/22/elderly-hurry-up-die-japanese

READ IT FAST AND DIE! (as you can make more bandwith for others to read it. LOL, Funny!)

I used to think this looks like real cherries and the graphic were unreal! Wow. I'm that old.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Abe Sada our Lorena Bobbitt!

2016-04-30T14:56:00.004-07:00

As a young boy I used to have a nightmare about a monster that cut off my pee wee (PEN15 if you catch my drift) in the night and ate it (you could become a member of our PEN15 club I used to say. All you need to do is write PEN15 on your arm in permanent marker. A few people fell for it. Highly entertaining).

I think the reason about the monster dream (or if you are Freud you might say "fantasy". although its no Disney adventure) because of the news at that time "Lorena Bobbitt". A lady who like to carve off chunks of turkey (only it was man turkey. Man turkey is code for pee wee, I'm trying to be subtle).

SLEEP ON THE COUCH, or you may get CUT!

It was quite a disturbing story (especially for a child. Much worse than the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST). If I recall it correctly a wife found out her husband was cheating. She pretended she was being kinky and tied him up and then took out a light saber and sliced off his pee wee (cause that's totally typical Disney style. Well technically it is now, since STAR WARS got bought by Disney, but I mean generally. And still even in Star Wars they aim for wrists not pee wees (SPOILER ALERT ...... from the 70's). So far...... but more episodes to come so you never know).
She then took the so called sliced pee wee and put it in her pocket for later. I think she threw out out her car window. NASTY!
That's the crazy bro!

Well guess what! Japan has the same thing, that predates that extraordinary fun adventure. Her name was ABE SADA. The name itself strikes fear into the hearts (and other areas) for men.
She was a jealous women who didn't want to share her man with anyone.
The funny thing was, she was a prostitute (so hard to be jealous of their wives). According to her life history she was a promiscuous prostitute and at one point an apprentice geisha (but failed to have any skills other than being promiscuous. It is a good skill to have I guess. By the way Geisha are not prostitutes that's just a Western misconception, anything sexual is on the side, not the purpose).
Let me give you a Star Wars analogy, since we are going down that path (of the dark side Luke!) Its like you are a Jedi Knight. You can do mind control, but cutting sh#t with your light saber is all bonus. You don't have to do it, you can already move sh$t with your mind.
Extra cream on the cake you might say (or not). It might be icing on the cake, but cream sounds tastier (I'm a bit off my rocker today and everyday).

That's some STAR WARS sh$t right there. Don't say ABE SADA 3 times or she appears (or Beetlejuice) !!

Anyways back to her story. After feeling like she found her one true love (give me a break), he asked her lover to leave his wife for her, and he said no (must have been a real surprise. That's sarcasm).
So she got all kinky and strangled him (the year was 1936 which is relevant in a minute). He cut off his pee wee and put it into her kimono sleeve (it wasn't a fancy Geisha kimono sleeve, it was probably a low class kimono if pertinent. If you aren't Japanese you probably don't care. Nor do you know if a kimono should be folded left to right or right to left. Let me teach you. Its always left over right unless dressing a corpse for a funeral. You can now dress yourself properly, you're welcome).
She kept his manhood, told the maids to let him sleep and left. She also carved Abe and the guys name "Ishida" together into his thigh with a knife. That's a nice touch. She could have taken up wood or ice carving (but skin always works as a canvas. Its so smooth. That's the sick sh$t people I was testing you!)

After she left, she tried to became sexually active with a severed man turkey. Very odd, nevertheless it didn't work (which shouldn't be a surprise as the corpora cavernosathe was severed and no blood to make it functional). I had to look through a urology textbook for that term. I'll add it to my resume.
Police came and she handed over "the part" from her kimono. I suspect they were like "Seriously lady, wtf!? That's the sick sh$t right there bro" I'm gonna keep using that the whole time so I hope its not annoying yet.
Her name became synonymous with chopping the man turkey. If you say her name in a room full of men (not the young NEW GEN type, they probably have no idea), many men will instinctively put their hands on their privates (make sure they are old men. Benjamin Button type age).
Try it sometime. I did it, very funny, especially while drinking.
Or if someone puts a hand on your friends shoulder and they say who is it. Say its ABE SADA! I laughed pretty hard when I did that, but those guys were too young and didn't get it. I didn't care, I laughed anyways (nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes).

Ha!

In the end Lorenna Bobbit's husband has his man turkey re-attached and started a band called SEVERED PARTS. He took his hand (or maybe not hand exactly) to try at porn.
He had two unsuccessful films "John Wayne Bobbit UNCUT" and "Frankenweenie". Please don't look them up, not worth it (not that I saw it).

As for "Ishida" he ended up dead, so nothing that great happened for him after the whole incident.
No attempts at porn that I know of (that's the sick sh$t bro!)
Attempts at resurrection failed (so far. I'm still working on it).

Mine too. But no machine gun (so far. I'm working on it).

Some More ABE SADA history if you are into it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Abe

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

100% NO SMORKING!

2016-03-31T20:48:00.001-07:00

Death by Smoking, or as I read sometimes NO SMORKING! Ha, funny! Kind of.

This blogpost is a bit of a rant and rave (not the rave with a glow-stick), with an overlying tone about smoking (smorking) in Japan.

OK. I think I know what to do. SMORK.

Surprise, you’re on candid camera (a cool TV show when I was a kid). Now its not candid and everything is on Youtube. Every last thing. From crunching your nuts on a rail to Justin Bieber (when he used to be a little boy singing from his bedroom and innocent, WTF happened!?). As a footnote (YA I'M PUTTING IT IN THE WRONG PLACE! I should mention I've noticed a staggering increase of cute cat videos. Strangely their origin is from Japan. But that's a different puzzle to solve (you might say like a Rubix cube. Its still less hard than licking your own elbow with your tongue. That's a fact, try it! If you are in public maybe not at this exact moment).

Exactly. Or you can take the colour stickers off and re add. I did that a lot!

Back to the topic at hand, or should I say lungs (HA! Funny for me, but not funny for smokers lungs).

WTF is with smoking (and WTF is with Justin Beiber, as a footnote again).

You are literally sucking in cancer.

Its hard to stop, and you are addicted to a drug/ narcotic called "nicotine" (or maybe I should make a catch phrase "cancertine". Regardless its bad for you! (and you probably don't need me to keep going on and on about it. Cancer isn't even the worse thing about it).

OK let me continue my rave (still without glow sticks. Glow sticks later), cause its sort of funny and could hit close to home. Do you like sex? If yes you shouldn't smoke. Why? Because it decreases blood flow to your special regions for both males and females. Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy is at a club, and a hot girl walks by, he starts to smoke and the cigarette bends. That's what happens! (like a glow stick snapping)

I think this is the video. It brings back memories (not good ones. Not that I smoked. But I sometimes watched GI JOE and I wasn't supposed to. If I got caught, let's just say things didn't end well for me).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYu8crlRe9g

I should show that clip in Japan. Maybe they'd start burning piles of cigarettes like Kenya burns piles of ivory (its been in the news recently, so I'm trying to incorporate it to make it "current").

As you know, many people in the West have moved towards anti smoking movements and popular culture doesn't reference it like the (good) old days. But not in Asia, and especially Japan. Karaoke boxes, bars, etc stink! Worse than a campfire blowing in your face from 1 inch away (you know what I mean).

Hell in Japan if you are young, not much stopping you. You could even buy from a vending machine (or female panties if you prefer. Why not get both?) Most of the bad kids at my school smoked but I'm not sure if they stole them or they had a vending machine dealer (probably stole them, but that's just my opinion, which is almost always right).

When I first arrived in Japan the teachers smoked around the staff room with the windows open, so I was unlucky enough to have the smoke enter the room/ my lungs and my clothes. Since most of them were smokers, they didn't seem to care about the non smokers (the joy of being the minority, not only a devil foreigner but a non smoker. I think it would be even harder to be a women, so guess I shouldn't say life is that hard for me).

I also felt bad at restaurants or parks as people smoked very closely to non smokers and pregnant women. Seemed the clock had been turned back 50 years to what America once was. At least women have the right to vote (which happened in 1945, AND that's your history lesson for today, btw incase you aren't a mathmagician, 1945 is over 50 years from 2016, so maybe turn that clock back a bit further).

I recall one-time going to a restaurant and I requested non smoking. I thought it meant the smokers are locked in a glass cage with separate ventilation or outside patio so those poison toxins can disperse. But alas, it was not to be, non smoking may be a bit of a falsehood. There was a sign, half of restaurant said non smoking and the other half smoking. I hoped there was an invisible forcefield to prevent the smoke entrails from entering my large (devil-like foreign) nostrils. There wasn't.

I felt like I was in this box. Instead of having an area for the smokers.

Let me lay it down flat for you (like flat Earth Theory. By the way if you are adamant its true, why not take a boat around the world and see if you fall off).

Smoke goes different directions, its particles (basically the sh#t) in it, goes into your lungs, nostrils, clothes and about every other thing around you. The tables, your food has particles of sh#t thank to smokers. Why can't people smoke trees? They inhale carbon dioxide and breath out oxygen? I think that will be part of my new experiments with advancing the human anatomy (don't tell PETA, or any other organization that doesn't like me tampering with humans DNA, from the lowly chromosome up. I'm just kidding FYI (maybe). Don't walk through my block at night though, you might come out with an extra ear.

When I got home from that smokey restaurant, my wife commented
"Did you take up smoking? Cause you stink!"

At least not my body odour for once.

Of course! The answer is always INSULTING CHUCK NORRIS!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Chikan those Damn Molesters!

2016-02-29T11:23:00.001-08:00

Umm OK so the title is a bit awkward but its an ode to the truth.
Most people don't enjoy being molested / groped (I should say most. That sh%t isn't funny and its largely women who are the targets. You've probably seen it in the news recently).
I should say as its primarily men that are the predators, they deserve a taste of their own medicine in the worst way possible (stick it to the man you might say).

Well this is my experience sprinkled with a healthy dose of BS.
Enjoy!

I've come on the right train! Oh, maybe not.

Before I had been to Japan I learned the word "Chikan". The combination of two Chinese characters meaning stupid man. Incase you didn't know it references how men generally are to women, stupid.
But the actual usage the word means groper or molester. Something you do not want to be called (and no I don't know from experience).

My teacher (a large white guy that had lived in Japan) had taught me the word in High School Japanese class. He informed me they even have books on how to do it, and he wanted one. Amazing I thought, oneday I should buy two of those (as a memento of a fu#cked up culture, NOT SO I could learn how to. Joke. I ALREADY KNOW! HA, kidding......). And the other book for that white guy Japanese teacher.

Anyways in Japan there are signs that say CHIKAN are criminals. As you can imagine normally you report a criminal.... in Japan this sort of crime, a bit hit and miss. I'm not sure if the older generation are too shy, or just accept it as something that happens (so don't make a big fuss). Sounds like the next generation is becoming less tolerant. I had a few students that told me if an old man even looks at them strange they yell and make a scene. Maybe things are changing.
I can't imagine anyone in Canada having the same problem. If someone yells "That dude just touched me" I suspect most people would help. And then as Russell Peters always says "someone gonna get a hurtin real bad". If you don't know what that means, you need to YouTube him, Funny guy (and no he isn't paying me to endorse him, unless he's reading this, then throw me some cash man, I'm wasting my time blogging).

I did have an attractive female Japanese friend who grew up in Canada and she carried a fork on return trips to Japan. I asked her what was with the fork and she said to stab the hands of chikan. LOL. They say violence isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is. Especially to those mofo's. Always look at a man's hands for forks marks, then you know what they do in their spare time.

My wife told me a story one time (she's not Japanese but she blends in with her Chinese Canadian looks). A chikan came after her so she walked away, instead of making a scene. How Japanese like.
She was pretty vague about it, but I had a feeling she didn't want me to go on a chikan hunt for him. I also planned to ask him to autograph the "how to book" whilst doing a citizens arrest (cause that's the way I roll).
With the autograph perhaps the value might sky rocket (to the Moon and back, just like Apollo 13. Fyi this is a funny joke for the highly space literate, or if you enjoy Tom Hanks movies).

The trains, especially during rush hour, are the best option to use the technique (this is not advice this is a fact, so don't get me wrong). Its like that movie "IDLE Hands" where the guy has a demon possessed hand that does what it wants and its detached. In this case though the hand's aren't detached (unless someone brings a really sharp fork), but they are most likely demon possessed (the person's brain as well, hence "stupid man").

Hmm, I might need some help figuring this one out. Assistance Vanna White?

The best trick is to pretend to read a newspaper and then let hands wander.
If its packed enough you don't even see where the hand is from like in my case. I recall onetime whilst being on a train in Tokyo during rush hour. I couldn't move and my legs were slightly apart due to my backpack between my feet.
I felt someone tickle my privates (WAIT what the fridge is going on!) I contemplated what kind of lady would do this. It was more than distracting. I repeated in my head what kind of a lady would do this.
Then I saw the hand as it reached higher, it looked like hair on it. I've never seen an Asian female with hair all over the back of the hand. This might be a gorilla OR... !!!!!!!

WAIT A SECOND! This might not be a female it occurred to me. I did my best to move, so I could get away or tell the person to F off, but I couldn't move. Its like being stuck in a sardine can and you can't move. I mouthed F$%# off in English, but the person didn't comprehend it. I then said something like "I'm going to kill you" in Japanese. But the guy infront of me thought I meant him. He bowed his head down as if physically hurt. Unless my rage caused my telekinesis to start working again (you know move sh%t with your brain).

The hand slowly inched away, so whoever it was, got the message. I have a feeling that my rage while not unique to men, less about being hurt and more about hurting back, I wanted revenge.

If I had a fork it would have been a happy ending for me, stabbing his fingers. Turn his hand into Swiss Cheese. As I'm not a female I'm unsure how to say what its like but I imagine worse.

As I got off the train I looked as many people up and down as I could trying to determine who had gone for the gold. I couldn't figure out a suspect (it was slightly more complicated than Einstein's General Theory of Relativity which as I suspect you already know. My short explanation is that time Gravity warps space time and affects the bending of space time by gravitational attraction . I'd give a more thorough explanation, but I'm quite busy at the moment trying to unwind the double helix.)

I should mention that they are a few cars on the train or certain times when there are women only. Its written in English and in Japanese so there is no confusion.

I know my father in law onetime got in one and wondered why so many women. LOL.

Since he looks Asian they must have thought the worst and hence avoided him like the black plague (its not that contagious don't worry about it).

If it says women only and you are not a women, DON'T GET ON! Unless you want to be murdered by forks!

Anyways regardless if its women only there are always going to be some perverts out there, as in my case, women only train wouldn't have helped. There are always "stupid men", perverts, molesters "chikan" around to get someone.

I hate you, but I also want your autograph for that book for market value gains.

Ain't dat the TRUTH! AMEN!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

How to Raise a Dragon (child)

2016-01-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

How to Raise a Dragon (or child) or dragon-child.

Yes, kids at times can be annoying, ever so slightly I admit.

This title is a spin on a kid’s movies. Also, because its talking about Asian kids I’m associating them with Dragons. Because at least in China everyone wants to raise a Dragon (and perhaps ride one too), which is where my story comes into play (kind of).

Id like to point out a scientific point of "symbiosis" in that kind of relationship. You can raise the dragon and in turn it lets you ride it.

Its a perfect relationship. Maybe if you pull its tail it will spit fire too and in turn it gets BBQ meat. Everyone wins except for the people being turned into BBQ I suppose.

Now back to raising kids and less about Dragons (unless you are interested then FYI I'm on the hunt of one now. I found some burnt cows, nothing left but teeth. Wish me luck. This might be my last blogpost if things don't go well).

Now back to the blogpost at hand!

Kids can be terrors, if you don’t know, you can take my word for it.
Most of you one day will create life and with it, its power! (and terror too!)

I feel like you will make Frankenstein based on the terror part. You probably won't (I hope). Unless you are Donald Trump. Then you may be trying to make a Lex Luthor child to rule the world and destroy SUPERMAN! (but that's a question to be asked at the next Republican primary, haha). Mr.Trump, should you be reading this its just a joke, I apologize if its in bad taste, but don't sue me for my billions (of pennies.......... ......again!)

Incase you didn’t know I have two children

(I guess the rumour is out I’m no Mary Magdalene) unless the children were immaculately conceived .....again! I like adding "again" to things, makes it doubly as funny.

Kids. They are entertaining. This sounds like the right kind of teacher to have. I don't recall mine ever doing it.

Our children are of two worlds like Spock (from Star Trek. You know the dude with pointy ears!)

As you know Spock is half human and half Vulcan. No my children are not aliens from another world, but they are from two cultures, or perhaps three one might say. As the margarita's are in James Bond, shaken not stirred! (or martini's, whatever it is)

Momma is Chinese Canadian which means her side is into Dragons, daddies side mixed European (from the time of the big bang) but became typical Caucasian Canadian which means beavers and lumberjacks (that sounds very wrong somehow).

We both studied and lived in Japan, so that's our adopted culture (Ninja's, Samurai and Hello Kitty).

Somewhere in the middle we raise our kids. As it sounds, its an interesting mix.

Right and wrong may be subjective, depending on the culture. Some things are exact opposites.

In our case, we hug and kiss our children a lot. Use expressions like "I love you'. If I were in Japan I might say "you dishonor me", "you shame your family and its past generations". That's a heavy helping of sarcasm fyi, but its not an outright lie. There is an extra burden in Japan, of not only representing oneself, but of the family, the name and the legacy. One small slip of the domino and the chain reaction occurs.

If it were Japan distancing ourselves emotionally might be the preferred option. In ancient times teaching them how to be Samurai (now somewhat too) and live by the Samurai code (and go around slicing sh$t too). That's only a little sarcasm, the slicing sh%t is fun.
I've never enjoyed physically harming people (unless they are choking me in Judo, then I rage, till I pass out).
Having tight control over what children do, including the seriousness attached to study might be more important in Chinese and Japanese cultures than "typical" Canadian.
Life is short (unless you are immortal), so why not enjoy? I rather they have fun and play then locked in their room studying and memorizing useless stats (that's what the internet is for, well and for porn of course).

We could lock them in their room to study but I prefer they read nonsensical books like Thomas, play with Lego, go outside to step on anthills (not those fire ants, they hurt), burn sh%t with magnifying glasses etc. I used to do the last two. I also peed on Lego onetime (indoors). I hope the person's Lego it was, isn't reading this, but he might be. Sorry about that, we do stupid things when we are kids (15 years old?)
That's the way I want them to grow up (except for peeing on LEGO, that was not funny at the time, Although I do laugh about it now).

Beating kids is not nice nor does it instill in them kindness and love. I've met a few Chinese parents of the beating persuasion and I was not impressed. I wondered if they would like it if someone would do that to them. Maybe I'll choke them with a Judo move (and those MOFO's will pass out).
Unfortunately a lot of us are recycling the way we were brought up. The mold is set one might say.

I recall onetime witnessing a Japanese child get hit on their head during a meal. I had already told him from my point of view what he had done is nothing (playing mahjong at school), so what's the worst that could happen. After he got hit a few times in the ears and head I realized that was only in my culture not his. Whoops! I think I shouldn't have told him no problem. I should have said "Dude you are fu#(ked".

I also heard stories of children getting hit on the hands with chopsticks when they didn't listen.
It seems to be we all have a choice, raising a child with love and in turn will treat you with respect, or you can punish them with pain and they fear you (that sounds like some deep Nietzsche right there. Don't get it? Look him up).

For me the fear and pain to the child I created with my DNA, is not an option.
If I found out, the child was the milkman's, I might recant that statement. HA!

Uh OK, seems like a good note to leave the blospost ending on. And no it wasn't written by me (again!).

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Religion and the Big J!

2015-12-31T20:35:00.000-08:00

Religion and the Big J!

Disclaimer

Hopefully you don't get easily offended by anything to do with religion (its quite light hearted), if you do please stop reading this, its mostly in jest as everything I write is (except for the truth and facts I present).

You may be thinking uh oh, no he didn't! This is going get him crucified (like the letter t, not big J).

He chose the wrong topic this time of year (Dec).
A little bit of yes, and a little bit of no.
The big J I am referring to is of course my topic of this blog, Japan. Not the other J (well, mostly. Its called misdirection in magic circles. Make you think I'm not going to walk that line, then pull out the big guns).
As I have previously alluded to in other blogposts, Japan is a strange place when it comes to religion. You see stats are often skewed (fu$ked up). Some Japanese may see themselves as one religion or multiple! (As the great JayZ once said, jigga what!?)
Imagine that in Pakistan or India! Instead of getting stoned to death for having inter-religions marriages, people could be multi-religious. Maybe Pakistan and India wouldn't even need to be split anymore (fyi I'm referring to the partition of the two states based on religious ethos. Too deep for you? Its better than a religious joke....... maybe).

You see in Japan some may celebrate funerals the Buddhist way, weddings the Christian way and New Years the Shinto way. On top of that, in daily life follow Confucian morals (filial piety and such, if you catch my drift. Maybe too deep again? Its as deep as the Marianas trench, the deepest trench on the planet. Not to be confused with the band "Marianas Trench", which funny enough is also from Vancouver, the least "deep rock' scene I've heard of on the planet. Must be an oxymoron, sorta).

By devoting only certain times to each religion they are essentially utilizing what religion is convenient at that time. That's nice and would probably help make the world a more peaceful place (imagine Israel! On a side note did Brad Pitt ever clear out the World War Z{ombies}yet?).

LOL. Highly amusing!

Not one religious doctrine or holy book driving the average Japanese person's existence, nor a commitment to only one divine power. Could it work anywhere else in the world? I'm not convinced (using history as my judgement hammer). Religion is like a plants photosynthesis, we seem to think need it, until it can be replaced with science & technology. In the case of plants I'm pointing to the replacement of the chemical chlorophyll via artificial means. I guess you didn't know I'm well read in botany and biochemistry (between raising two children and doing brain surgeries on the side).

I'll write the chemical equations of photosynthesis below when I have a chance for you science types (I sometimes misdirect myself off topic magician style).

Oh ya I found the time to write it here. Hope you like it. Probably easier to understand than my description. Contact your neighborhood biochemist who has a doctorate for a breakdown.

In the case of religion I mean our expanding knowledge of the World and the Cosmos helps us to greater understand how things work. Is it time and location which primarily drives what religion we are; Greek gods, Pagan Gods, parents religion, now vs Egyptian times etc.

Technology is also helping us to be less inclined to look to the heavens and pray for replacement limbs, cancer treatments and medicines.

Be thankful to your luck of being born in this day in age, instead of in the past, where the only thing that helps you get through each day is wishful thinking.
Imagine in the old days when having a baby was a death sentence, not getting enough vitamin C falling prey to scurvy.

In the case of Japan I always felt no one read too deeply or serious into religion (except for Aum Shinrikyo who as a normal Doomsday cult is, tried to bring end times with sarin gas on trains). In general, even if someone identified as only one religion they still appeared quite tolerant of other religions.

Even one of our resident Buddhist teachers who was quite a serious laugh had a few chuckles at his own expense.
I recall one-day about -5 C and heavy snow. One of the bad kids, took his clothes off, ran out into the snow and sat in the middle of the courtyard for all the other kids to see.
He chanted ``fake`` Buddhist mantra`s loud while sitting with legs wrapped yoga style, butt naked in the snow. I laughed pretty hard, after I noticed a lot of the kids looking out the windows the Buddhist teacher went out to talk to him. He kept chanting. Finally he carried him inside, butt naked, snow falling everywhere (and probably making melting snow puddles which are a clear danger. There were no SLIPPERY WHEN WET signs).
The Buddhist teacher laughed and asked him what he was doing.
He continued to chant. He walked away without clothes on.
I think he thought everyone was laughing with him, but I thought perhaps they may be laughing at him, as the snow and cold had shrunk his family jewels. He didn't seem overly concerned.

Is this the big gun for last? Well it definitely made me laugh. Hopefully this is funny to you. Snicker snicker.

Neil received a lot of hate including being called anti-Christian. If spreading enthusiasm of his favourite scientist's birth-date is anti-Christian we are in for deeper issues than Mariana's Trench (no not the band!)

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Rise of the ROBOTS!

2015-11-30T23:57:00.001-08:00

Rise of the ROBOTS!

Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic

Another Dimension, Another Dimension!

Robots and dancing! That's a future I like.As a side note the picture says robotto (robot duh) and intergalactic, if you can't read our Robotic language.

I’ve always wondered what’s with the fascination with Robots and Japan.

I guess its part of the futuristic spin we propagate (that's a cool word) about Japan.

A lot of movies are about Robots and the future of tech in Japan.

I wonder if that’s the only reason.

I sometimes wonder if the Robots are based on the people. Docile, quiet and logical (MR.ROBOTO!).

You see I have a theory, which is based on some fact (not as much as heliocentric theory), so maybe its a hypothesis. I like to hypothesize things. Someone give me a pipe and a spectrometer (I actually mean a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes, but I'm trying to sound intelligent. Is it working? Probably not.)

Aha! I've got it Watson! Complimentary, complimentary.

Let me explain myself here so you don’t think I’m a riceist (yes that's no spelling mistake). As you may have read in my previous blogposts every student gets the same wrong answer, or the same incorrect pronunciation. Its like their programming is the same.
My hypothesis, based on the little evidence I have, is someone is copying the other or how can everyone come to the same conclusion (I don't have DNA samples {yet!}). The answer is due to everyone having a positronic Robot brain! (positronic is showing as wrong in my spell checker, but I think Issac Asminov created the word so add it to your dictionary, or in this case your positronic brains).

These Robots are built in the same factory, to have the same thinking. Follow the hive commands and do as they are instructed (don't eat the honey!)

Or perhaps................... its the nails in the Robots.

You see in Japan the saying goes that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down, society is conforming you (or maybe contorting you. Like a pretzel!)

In the West, thinking out of the box is welcomed and congratulated, in Japan, thinking out of the box is met with shame and dishonour (which may lead to Seppuku – the act of disembowelment. Its not pretty, not that I've ever seen it, its not the Samurai days anymore). You might get beat back into that box, like a Jack in the box, only you can’t pop out....... ever!

You better follow or you have to do this. If you do I hope with a straw only I hope.

In the West we celebrate our uniqueness, but in Japan, you fall in line and bow to authority, no questions are to be made, the idea is to be the same. Don't break with the movement.
To put it in perspective for you "For one and all!" (like a Mouseketeer or maybe a Musketeer!)

I can tell you from experience even if I didn't stand out based on my physical features white, blond hair, body ape hair, my expressions would give me away. Whilst most people beat around the bush on topics I always to get straight to the point.
Whilst in Japan you are supposed to announce in a sentence when you are changing topics, I just just chane them every minute for amusement and I don't warn them (evil I know mhwhahah).

My friend Linus told me about a lineup in McDonald's onetime. A large line of people waiting for one cashier, but beside her another cashier waiting for someone, anyone to come to her. No one dared to enter the line as it was "outside the box".
Line up and be a Robot or risk disembowelment I guess.

OH SNAP!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Along came a Tanuki

2015-10-18T16:11:00.001-07:00

Along came a Tanuki?

Tanuki is a strange animal, its translated in English as "raccoon dog". It will probably give you rabies (yes the one that turns you into a zombie. Unless you want to become a zombie. I'm slightly tempted. My brain is half mush anyways).

If you've been to Japan you've probably seen one (not zombies, I mean a Tanuki, probably not alive, no not from zombies.).

The Tanuki statues can be seen everywhere from shops to forests. Its an animal that stands up like a dog on his hind legs. But, you might notice something strange about it.

Let me paint you a picture (with my stroke(s). Sounds perverted I know).
It has huge balls! And I'm not talking about soccer balls. Shizing! (that's my own cool sound effect).
I'm talking huge (and by huge I mean like as big as the blob).

I hope you know the blob (he's a comic book bad guy).

I once asked a Japanese friend what's with the Tanuki's all over the place.

"Oh, wealth and prosperity", he told me nonchalantly.
As if their big balls would bring you everything you wanted, you just need to rub the genie or this case.......the balls? I noticed many hands were attracted there and many a picture taken (I'm envious).

I wonder if I should erect (yeah I did say erect) one in Canada (by the way erect is synonymous with balls so snap a word match!).
No holding back around here (mofo's).

Wealth and prosperity only? Well that's not all I was thinking, more something he has that's visible from a mile away. Maybe his prosperity isn't based on moola/ money (if you know what I mean. Ba boom!). That means its love based for a breakdown of my ba boom for you innocent unicorn loving folks.

Dude, you got a Tanuki tattoo? Its OK maybe it will rub off, its only permanent. Having large balls on your arm equals very cool.

It occurred to me that the word "kintama" in Japanese means testicles, but more literally translated as "Golden balls", and as a sidenote, "YOU gotta catch them all!"
Although that sounds painful (unless you're neurotic, it might be enjoyable. Look that big word up! I spent 4 years at Uni to learn that word).

I also say that "Catch them all" phrase as a word play on Dragon Ball Z (2nd wordplay now, yeah I'm tallying). If you have no idea what I'm talking about you aren't the manga/ anime nerd I hoped you were (Not to worry there's still time).

This is funny if you know Dragon Ball Z & a double play on recent news. I'm killing it with wordplay (3rd time!).

Supposedly, Tanuki play into Japanese stories/lore about being sneaky/ sly (mostly interchangeable with a fox, but that's a side deviance). Due to their biological advantage of having large testicles (I'm envious) metal workers enjoyed them for metal work.
Am I saying all metal workers have small testicles? No!
Why then you ask? (even if you didn't ask I'm telling you).
The story goes that gold could be hammered within a Tanuki's testicles to flatten it most efficiently. Since it was soft and didn't break (stretches nicely) it was a great material to use. I hope not while alive (I'm not envious of that part).

I hope you enjoyed your lesson today about Tanuki's, large balls and wordplay.

I'm going for the gold with one more wordplay coming.

I think my necrosis is making an appearance again so I have to go (not to be confused with necrophilia. Although I dabble in necromancy occasionally, like raising the living dead etc, zombies and the such.)

Snap!

Don't miss the picture and caption below.

This Tanuki has big balls (expression) but to attempt the feat to Mordor, I eulogize him (not euthanize him. Technically I could). The future is in his hands for all of Middle Earth!

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva