Memoirs of a Gaijin - An Unlucky English Teacher in Japan

Snack Bars in Japan

2012-01-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

Nick and Snack Bars

Have you ever been to a snack bar in Japan? I'm asking but I don't care, cause this story isn't about you and it isn't really about me either. Its about Nick.
If you remember previous stories about Nick, he was the American Italian guy that thought he was gangster. I'll assure you he was no gangstar, more like the whitest cat you will ever meet.
He had a long standing affection with snack bars in Japan. If you don't know what they are, they are basically a men's club or some might say a "Gentlemen's Club". Rest assured Nick was no gentlemen as this story unfolds you will find out.


Snakku in Japanese for Snack. What kind of snack?

As you recall we were in a small town. Unbeknownst to me it was kind of famous for its snack bars.
According to Nick there were a couple Chinese snack bars he loved. He used to tell me he liked the Chinese ones cause the Chinese girls skin tasted like red licorice. To be honest, I don't know what that means and I probably never will.
More than once while enjoying his time at these snack bars he would drunk dial me. He would always tell me to come out and see all the bitches. I was like Ummm, no thanks. On top of the fact I had no interest, I figured it would be pretty expensive and being the cheap ass I am, I didn't want to waste my money.
Onetime he called me super late at night. Since I was already sleeping I couldn't think of why he would be calling me so late unless it was an emergency so I picked up "Talk to this guy, he is going to pay for everything at the snack bar, I just met him come!". I was like uhhh what I am I supposed to say to him. Nick puts the Japanese guy on the phone, "Hello, how are you?". "Good thanks, you", "Good". End of conversation, what the heck am I supposed to talk to this random guy about. Nick was desperate for me to go. I declined and he told me "Ok ok, next time for sho".
I don't know what "For sho" means, but I assume its his attempt at being a gangster again.
The next day I met him and he was hungover. He told me a story about how the night went. He told me he was making out with one of the hostess' and she asked where he worked. He said his school's name and she said "My daughter goes there, she is grade 9 and her name is Sayaka!" and Nick says "Oh shit! She's a hoe!". hahhha.
She stopped making out with him, but he reeled her back in and groped her boobs.


He must be looking at the medals.

First Impressions Are Important

2012-01-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

First Impressions are Very Important in Japan


That's not me fyi.

If you were under the impression first impressions are not important in Japan you are wrong.
First of all let me set the record straight about a few things. Since I've made a mistake here or there a few times, while in Japan. Well, maybe not ONLY in Japan, but anyways...

No matter what culture you are in, first impressions are important. It sets the tone for how you feel about a person and how things with that person are about to unfold.

Well let me tell you a few stories about making the wrong first impression.

The first time I went to Japan, our Japanese teacher, a Canadian guy was trying to tell us how to be introduced to a Japanese family, what formality to use etc. I couldn't really care less. I recall him saying something about an entranceway at a Japanese house being important and slippers or something.
I figured at the end of the day what is the worst that could happen? Japanese people are polite and I'm generally a polite kid, what cultural mistakes could I possibly do? The answer to that is a lot.
First off I was stuck with a family that spoke no English. Perfect immersion I thought, although since I barely knew 10 words its going to be difficult. Secondly, I had a book of Japanese jokes that I started off with them as soon as I met them. "Grading tests is terrible" I said. They halfheartedly laughed. I wondered if it was funny.
According to the book the words "Saiten wa saitei" is funny. It has to do with a play on words. The first part of the words are the same. I didn't get it and I took it by their fake laughs neither did they.
Oh well, I thought at least I broke the ice. Things will only get better.
We arrived at their house. I noticed the entranceway. I guess in English we would say alcove or something around those lines. Its a place to put your shoes and hang up your jacket. Whatever, who needs it I thought. My hostmother pointed to the floor, sandaru. I didn't know what that meant, but she was pointing at some sandles. I smiled and answered "No, I'm good, I have shoes on, thanks." It didn't occur to me that I was still wearing my shoes still, let's blame it on the jetlag. As she pointed out my room, I saw Japanese tatami reed mats. I walked into my room with my muddy shoes on. At this point whatever my hostmother was trying to hold back came out! "NO! AHHHH NO!". I thought someone had got injured. I realized for the first time my shoes were on and I was tracking mud into the house and including the tatami mat floor. Whoops!
Mistake number one.

Notice the pointy tips? Don't eat those ok?

I wasn't great with chopsticks, but I had eaten enough Chinese food in Canada to know in theory how it worked. I wasn't great, but I could get the job done, if I ate slowly. The first night my hostmother had prepared a massive feast of sushi, sashimi and pork cutlet! Yummy! The only problem was, I had to use chopsticks. They told me they had bought be special chopsticks, with the help of a dictionary they explained they had gold inlay and real pearl in them. I was like cool.
As I started to eat I noticed the sashimi was pretty crunchy. Why so crunchy? Its raw salmon what the heck? I kept chewing because I was hungry. Pretty tough on the teeth I kept thinking.
After dinner I went to pass my chopsticks to my hostbrother for cleaning. He said something in Japanese which I didn't understand.
His mother said something I also didn't understand.
At that point I looked at my chopsticks and realized I had eaten them. To be precise I had somehow managed to bite the pointy tips of the chopsticks off. That explains the crunchiness.
Mistake number two.

My hostmother had setup a Japanese boy day display in my room. It contained some samurai armour and an elephant tusk. Actually the elephant tusk wasn't part of it maybe, but was still in the same room. Who doesn't have an elephant tusk in their room?
I took out the ordamental sword and pretended to decapitatve my hostbrother. So funny I thought, my hostmother looked upset as I was using her family heirloom that was probably 500 years old to pretend to cut her son. Whoops! Oh well, its a cultural experience.
Mistake number three.

To top it off it wasn't until a few trips later that I totally botched things up.
I started going to my school to teach English in the summer. The only problem was there was no kids in class. Since it was summer holidays there were only doing sports and no classes.
They told me although I can meet the teachers and talk to them the formal introduction wasn't until a month later. No biggie I thought, its not like I'm going to wait a month to talk to them. I did my Japanese introduction.

They told me that the school day started at 815AM every morning when school started, but because it was summer I could show up at 830AM.
I was on time everyday and never showed up past 830AM. My American co worker would come to work at 9AM each morning.
The most important day had come. The first day of school.
I managed to sleep in. I peddled my granny bike as fast as I could in my suit in the humdity and arrived at the school 30 mins late. I had slept in. The principal had already introduced the American guy and he was trying to introduce me, even though I had already met everyone.
The principal looked at me and said "First impressions are very important in Japan, you should show up on time!"
F##$!

The Toxic Smell of Age

2011-12-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

Old Lady English Teacher

She was no Marry Poppins.

They made the other gaijin (foreigner) who worked at my school go to Mr.C's school (saying we had too many foreigners). So the other foreigner teacher leaves my school and I can't go to every single class cause both Japanese English teachers have classes at the same time.Then shortly after that the school felt they didn't have enough English teachers. They were down to 1 gaijin (foreigner) teacher, which was me. They hire this older lady to be an assistant and to help out in the classroom. I thought she had some history of English (perhaps been an English teacher a long time ago), but when I found out she couldn't speak a word I realized this wasn't going to be fun.
I recall oneday sitting in the staffroom and she was staring at the clock. I wondered if she wanted to leave as much as I did. She started furiously going through English dictionaries (that were super dated perhaps from the turn of the centry?) and asked if she could use my electronic Japanese-English dictionary (she never figured it out). After about an hour she came up to me "Can you teach me an English word?", "Of course", I answered. She asked me what "Seiko" meant. I answered "Sorry, I don't know what you are talking about". She pointed to the clock which had the word Seiko written on it. I tried not to snicker. Ummmmm.... Seiko is a Japanese company that makes watches and clocks. I wasn't sure how to answer without offending her. Afterall even though I am a foreigner she is still a senior citizen, I do have some manners. She looked at me intensely and asked, "Its English so I'm wondering what it means". I informed her it was a Japanese company that produced clocks and watches. "Oh, isn't that interesting", she answered. Not really I thought.


Seiko is not an English word FYI.

She was also socially awkward. By socially awkward I mean she was an old lady that was much older than all the other teachers, perhaps 3 generations older than the oldest teacher. She must have been a teacher at some point, retired, realized she needed to keep working and came back as a assistant teacher (but with the mindset she was the main teacher, in a topic she couldn't speak no less).

I didn't mesh well with personality and her breath seemed like death. I remember her bringing in these weird herbs and saying that's what kept her so healthy looking, young, and smelling so fresh. I wanted to tell her, lady you look so old (like 90 even though u are 60) and you smell like manure, but I didn't. Yes mean I know but maybe I should have told her. I did try one of her herbs onetime and I felt super sick, I almost threw up.
We had a couple students that had constructed gas masks. Due to her breath being so toxic they would put them on during class. I couldn't stop laughing more than once. They weren't nice about it and asked her to move away from them cause she smelled so bad. I don't think she ever got the hint, cause when she stood within three feet of someone they would pinch their nose. I often wondered if she also was one of those people that drink their urine in the morning or wash their face with it. If the bad students had forgot their gas masks they would use a scarf and wrap it around their nose and mouth. I wondered if I could get away with doing the same.
I did my best to keep my mouth shut (literally and figuratively) about her smell and her personality. She not only did not listen to the main English teacher, who asked her to not harass the worst students who would yell "YOU STINK, GET AWAY", but I would have to undo anything she taught the students one on one as it was incorrect. "Seiko" is clock in English she once said. I hope that student isn't still going around repeating it!

After her half a year at the school she was about to leave. She said she was going on a trip to Canada and since I was leaving that year, she was hoping I could drive her to Niagara falls.

After her repeated requests and invading my private space, I finally told her, "Lady I told you already that I live in Vancouver. Do you know how big Canada is?". She thought Vancouver to Niagara falls was a twenty minute drive.

I told her Canada is the 2nd biggest country in the world. It would take days to reach that. Just to go to Alberta takes one full day! She was like "Nooo, it can't be that far. We can spend more time together and have a road trip". Trapped in a closed space with her with no where to run, no way to escape a nose pinching smell that invades ones nostrils, I couldn't even imagine.
I told her I didn't have a phone in Canada and left it at that.

Students Dismember Prank

2011-12-28T22:44:00.000-08:00

Students Play a Trick

Hahah funny! I like saran wrap on toilet too, its always good times.

For once this trick wasn't played on me! Woohoo, I'm lucky for once.

This story is my memory (which is not too good) about Mr.C from Texas. As you may recall from previous stories Mr. C is an average Joe.
Mr.C was at a school not far from mine. From what I understand I had the school with the worst kids, but he had a few bad ones in his as well.
He taught with this Australian girl who was very persuasive (by that I mean thinks they are always right and usually was) and would take no prisoners (just like me girlfriend hahah, hope she isn't reading this). I'm going to be in the doghouse tonight.

Mr.C didn't like to plan lessons, well to be honest who does, except for this Australian girl. I remember a few times she showed me the activities and games she had created and I wondered how many nights she had spent burning the midnight oil. Don't burn it too much the houses in Japan are made of paper MWAHAHA!
This is just a metaphor to get you to catch my drift, but if I made a gingerbread, she would make a gingerbread house. She would cover the gingerbread house with icing and top off parts of it with 24K gold.

So essentially she was a great English teacher and Mr.C and I look like bums compared to her. We were nothings and didn't enjoy working hard work for our students.
I enjoyed finding a game online 5 mins before class making 30 copies and running like a madman to get to class. For the remaining time between my classes I enjoyed playing online games or playing poker (not strip though, it is a workplace after all).

Mr.C was similar to me in this way as well, except he liked to saunter to class instead of rushing. He took it easy until he had to do something.
Well a few of the students took a liking to Mr.C and called him Harry Potter, which I can vouch for he does look a lot like. No scar in the forehead but we can fix that easily.
A bit of a sidetrack but a few students called him Spiderman, which I don't get. How does glasses and curly blonde hair equal Spiderman? That's like saying the HULK is pink.

At the same time a few students did not take a liking to him and I assume the Australian girl as well.
Oneday they came out after school looking for their bikes. Yes, everyone rides granny bikes in Japan.

In the location they had left their bikes were 2 piles of bicycle parts laid out neatly.
Mr.C laughed. The Australian girl was not impressed whatsoever and demanded the bicycle be remade to the teachers.


I'd probably laugh if my bike became this.

You gotta hand it to them, those kids work fast.
It seems like it was the hood and they were trying to get hubcaps (rims) off the cars!

I never had that happen, although more than once my tire frames were bent, which is also pretty funny, although is sucks when you try to ride and you bike keeps turning to the right.

Stuck in an endless circle. Sounds like my everyday life, what else is new!

Broken glasses and Hatred

2011-12-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

Broken Glass at Saizeria

Ok, so I guess I should do a break down of Saizeria. It is a cheap Japanese FAMILY restaurant. Its sort of like Denny's. It has a lot of food that is relatively cheap but not aimed at mostly breakfast foods like Denny's. They have a drink bar where you pay like $1.20 / 120yen with any food and can drink all the coffee, tea, pop you want. Because of this its popular for Family's to just hangout especially for Gaijin (Foreigners).


Mmmm yummy and cheap. The two things important in life.

Ever since I started going there with either Anthony or someone else, we always somehow managed to confuse the waitress'. More than once Anthony would do his order in English and not use any Japanese, which confused them immensely. Sometimes the order was wrong and we would complain and ask for the correct food. So we totally screwed them over more than once.
I always felt like a jerk, cause in particular one girl seemed to get the brunt of the problems. I thought she hated my soul. I imagined that on my last day in Japan, I would go the restaurant give her $50 worth of yen and say, "Sorry for the 3 years, my friends are aces".

This story is about Nick and I. If you don't remember Nick I spoke about him in an earlier post of two. He is the Italian American guy that thinks he is a rap Superstar and crashed my scooter into a cement wall. Read above for that story.


Cheap wine, who doesn't like stained teeth? We drank big1.

So one night Nick and I are studying for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. Nick convinces me to go to Saizeria and then Nick comes up with this good idea to drink wine. I'm like uhhhh... OK. Wine + Study = Great results maybe? Or not!? We order our first massive bottle I think 800ml bottle for like 790yen /$8 and started to drink. I was giggling a bit, and not from the drinking. Nick had chosen the cheap red, I guess it was so cheap his teeth had turned purple. It didn't occur to me that my mouth may look like BARNEY the dinosaur inside. "Hey kids, let's have an drink, and its not apple juice har har".


Har Har kids, don't drink and study!

So we start drinking our wine and Nick thinks it would be funny to hit on the waitress. "Hey, what's your name tag say?". He says it in English and she doesn't get it, so he repeats it in Japanese. She is like "My name is Umeda Takako". He is like oh ok, cause I thought it said umi (ocean). "No, its Umeda", she answered. He said "Ok, that's nice. Can you get me some kancho (poke in the butt)?". She has no idea what he is talking about, but he wanted kanacho(spelling?), a hard Italian style bread dessert thing. In Italian its called biscotti, in English apparently we call it double baked bread, although I've never heard it called that. She doesn't know what he is saying cause he keeps repeating poke in the butt. He is laughing. Well the thing about Nick was he has this deep kind of evil laugh, so people usually laugh based on his laugh, or they get scared because they think he is going to murder them.
I can tell the girl was scared and not sure how to react. Finally Nick says "Ok ok, one more wine."
So the next wine comes out and I'm slightly intoxicated, not to mention my teeth looked like someone rubbed a purple crayon on them. I don't know if Nick was at that point, but he asks the waitress how to read some kanji (Chinese characters) on our study sheets. Then he looks up a pervert kanji and asks her how to read it. I think it was a male body part that produces 50% of the DNA to make life. I'm sure you can guess it.
I was really embarrassed but couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't only the wine, Nick was pretty funny, if not extremely rude.
Eventually after Nick harrases her all night, we decide to go. I swear I was tipsy which explains the rest of this story. I am not an evil person at all I swear! As we are leaving the table my hand slips on the glass and it starts falling to the ground, I tried to grab it and it slipped out of my hand went straight up into the air almost hit the ceiling and then fell down and smashed all over the place. I think the waitress was sure I did it on purpose. I felt so bad.
I tried to clean it up but she said its ok (typical Japanese style). There were pieces of glass everywhere. Nick starts laughing (which makes me look like I did it on purpose cause his laugh was more evil then normal and we left. She must have hated me.
We did go back a few more times in the next coming months. I didn't see her again, I hope I didn't cause her to quit. I never gave her the $50 worth of yen either.
Whoops! Then again she may have been confused again and thought the $50 was for Nick's poke he kept requesting for anyway.

Student Attack Uses Ultimate Weapon on ME!

2011-12-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

If you don't know I was placed at a school in the hood.

I have a few stories about getting jumped by students. Here is one of them.

One day while watching soccer, I got attacked by one of my first year students.

Now, I don’t want you to think that by getting attacked, I mean verbally attacked. That was everyday of my life for the three years I was at that school. I’m talking physical abuse.

You are probably thinking how can a little kid hurt a muscular, top physical conditioned athlete like myself. Well, I’m neither actually I just mean hypothetically. The answer was by using a weapon.

As I was watching soccer, that little bastard ran his bike into my leg at full speed. Had I been a normal person I would have grabbed by his throat Terminator Style and crunched his windpipe. Or had I not been in a Zen state I may have sidestepped the bike, close-lined him, and followed that up with a quick knee to the nuts.

Unlike the Terminator “HE won’t be back!”


Subtitled above ROSE PINK. It might not look dangerous, being a grandma style bike but trust me it hurts.

As it happens, I am a mellow person, despite what I said in the last paragraph. As he hit me in the leg and my knee started to bend the wrong way my first thought was rage. I couldn’t believe it. This kid had hurt me. I know that even babies can hurt people. They poke eyes, pull noses, have fists of rage that hammer into momma’s face. In a nutshell they can be demons. If you have a 12 year old with a weapon, like a bike, then you are in for an awakening. Introduce speed and a soft part of the body and you have max damage.

After my rage thought, I breathed in deeply and grabbed his handlebars. For a second I wish I was the HULK and could HULK SHASH his bicycle or at least handlebars into little pieces. Let him try to ride his bike with no handlebars, see how cool you are now.


How can I get Hulk's Power? Someone tell me!

I tried to push his bicycle away as he continued to peddle at full speed pushing against me. “What are you doing?”, I asked him. “Die foreigner, die!”, he answered. Not a very thorough answer to my question but nonetheless I know what he wants at least.

As you probably know in the animal kingdom the animals on top are the ones that look their enemy in their eyes and attempt to scare them off with intimidation, if that doesn’t work they eat them. In my case, I had no option to eat him, so I decided to go inside the school so he can’t attack my with his bicycle weapon. As I walked inside I saw him carrying his bike up the stairs. WTF? I hoped he wasn’t planning to bring it into the school, apart from attacking me, he’s going to get the school dirty. He just had his bike on the field (which is made of sand), so the sand will make a massive mess. I’m not cleaning it up. I’m a teacher (or perhaps a punching bag), not a janitor.

Yes you guessed it, the little demon started coming after me with his bike again inside the school. This time, he decide to mix it up, instead of going to my knee he he hit my ankles with his tires. I contemplated murder for about 5 seconds, before a teacher yelled in Japanese at the kid, “Don’t bring your bike in here!”. The kid answered, “Die, Mr.Impotenance”. At least I have to give him props for that. Mr.Impotence? Who says that? Seriously, it is kind of funny. And as a bonus at least he doesn’t want only me to die. Although I do detect a bit of a theme going on here though with wanting others to die. Maybe he needs some counseling or better yet, perhaps I can suggest he take his bicycle to the highway and see if he can hit some cars with it? Yes, that sounds good.

Insert very evil laugh here.

Supposedly knocking some girl down at JET party

2011-11-30T22:50:00.000-08:00

I was framed by someone about something I didn't do.
There are two versions of this story, one by me the victim(or as some say the criminal) and a bystander who heard of the events as they happened.
As in like an episode in real time on 24.

This seems like a nice temple. It has nothing to do with my story though. Its from the same town that's it.

Myles Version
I haven't told this story for a while so I actually forget most of the details (semi conveniently?).
Here are the main points.
I was hanging out at a Halloween JET (English Teacher's) party in Omihachiman. My girlfriend couldn't come cause she had to work. So I'm at this party and I'm having fun and feeling a bit drunk. Unknown to me, a girl , let's call her Danielle (Korean American girl) was there as well. Apparently she was so drunk that she had fallen down. I mean that tends to happen when you are drinking and its pretty standard, unless you break your nose, or get a black eye its usually all good. Although when I was a teenage I remember seeing a girl step into a fire pit and that seemed pretty dumb, luckily we pulled her leg out as only parts of her shoe melted.

It's like Gatorade. No sweat I swear!

Anyways, for some reason or another I'm feeling so drunk (I probably had 1 drink). I decided I need a pocari sweat to cool down. This girl "Danielle" happens to be heading the same way, so we start walking together. Its always a good idea for drunks to go in pairs I thought. We get to 7-11 and enter. Jon's girlfriend (a prominant and somewhat famous guy) is also at the 7-11 but I didn't know her at that time. I only knew she was Jon's girlfriend and seemed nice. We are all inside and we buy drinks and stuff. So her and her friend's are piss drunk and are giggling and laughing. Danille is pretty badly messed up and is walking all over the place, barely standing up. I knew I was messed up myself but since she was worse than me I knew she was really in trouble. She goes to the bathroom and I'm sitting on the curb in front of 7-11. She keeps passing out, and I'm like "I'm hungry I'm gonna go eat at Yoshi no ya". Yoshi no ya is a super famous restaurant that serves meat on rice and its super delish! She is like ok wait for me. So we start walking and I'm in front. I'm just about to cross the road and I turn around and Danielle is on the ground. I'm like "What are you doing?" and I go over to check if she is sleeping randomly on the cement. Seemed like a weird time to be sleeping since we were walking and all the sudden she falls asleep. I try to inspect her but the pocari sweat must have had real sweat cause it didn't seem to help me at all, I still feel out of it. I noticed there is a massive bump on her head and she said she hit her head on the ground. I'm like oh my god there is a really big bump on your head. She is like please don't tell anyone, its so embarrassing I'm not drunk. I'm like ok ok, I won't tell. Then we start walking again and she told me she had hit her tooth and chipped them earlier in the night. I'm like that's so bad. She seems really upset, but I didn't really know her well so I was unsure if I should hug her, piggyback her or tell her everything was going to be ok.
We get into Yoshi no ya and her eyes keep rolling into her head. I look at the bump on her head and she has a huge bump! Like I'm not talking a little zit. I'm talking about a massive bump like an egg protruding from her head.
She keeps leaning over and passing out on the counter, while I enjoyed the tasty gyudon Yoshi no ya style. When she looked up after a few times she said she had a bad headache and the bump looked twice as big. I decided I was too messed up to figure out how to go to the hospital and can't stand up myself. I figured I better call someone. I didn't have Jon's number and he was the SHIGA PA (the head guy for any issues) at the time. So I call my next best thing, Nick! Nick is this Italian American guy that thinks he is African American. He likes to rap and thinks he is gangster. Let me tell you he was not at that time and still is not a gangster.
I call Nick and I'm like "Dude, dude, I'm so drunk, but dude, I think you better get Jon, this chick is messed up. She is hammered and fell".
This is where perhaps the story started. Maybe Nick thought I said I had a hammer and messed her up? Or that she fell because of me dropping a hammer? I'm not sure but I tell Nick to get Jon and come over to Yoshi no ya, cause I think she needs to go to the hospital.
Nick shows up running with Jon and I'm like "Hey guys! I'm messed! Anyways this chick is worse, look at the bump!". So Nick starts laughing and was like "Damn! That's a bad one! It looks so bad". Danielle is like "You told them? I'm not drunk I'm fine". I'm like uhhh I think you need some help. Jon says she better go to the hospital cause it looks so bad. She refuses and bursts out crying then hugs me for support. As to why she did when she was mad at me for telling them I don't know. Women are hard to understand.
So Nick and Jon are like let's go back to the party then. Ya that seems like a good idea, maybe I shouldn't have asked the 2 Stooges for help. This girl is drunk, massive bump, possible brain damage, chipped her tooth and if we go back to the party, maybe she can drink it off.
OK I thought, if they are in their right mind, it must be a good idea. So we walk back and Jon and I are helping Danielle walk and we are practically carrying her cause she is messed! So we open the door and she starts falling over. She pukes her guts out, then she goes back in the party with us.
I'm enjoying the party and didn't see her again. Then apparently this rumour started that "A Myles guy had knocked some girl down". I don't know if Danielle was so drunk she actually believed it and she blacked out or if Nick has said to Jon out loud that I needed help and Danielle fell, but either way, the rumours started.
Someone comes up to me(I swear I had not meet that guy before) and he said "Did you hear some guy pushed some girl?". I didn't know who they were talking about and I had no idea it was me.
After more drinking and going to the 2nd bar, I passed out. It was a long night after all and I did have 1 drink.
When I woke it was 1st train and I walked back with Mattikus, Brent, and Willus. While on the train Mattikus said "Myles I heard you knocked down Danielle?". I was like WTF? Who told you that, he said everyone was talking about it. Danielle never talked to me after that night for about 6 months. We had basic conversations but nothing too deep. I wonder if she heard from someone that I had knocked her down, or if she had some memory of me asking what she was doing when she was unconscious on the ground.
Either way, I got screwed over by the rumours.

Brendon's Version
This one time Myles pushed a girl over. On purpose!

Watch the Trainwreck its Coming!

2011-11-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

Or maybe the title should be

Old Dogs Can't Learn New Tricks!

Spraying students hair black. Lots of spray cans used each month.

One day one of the English teachers was messing with some spray type cans outside the school. You know the pressurized ones that can explode if you hit them too hard. Or if you hold a match up to it it becomes a flame thrower (not that I’ve ever done that, maybe). Well I saw him with a hammer and nail in his hand so I knew it was going to be good. I read the can, and on the side said deodorant hairspray.
He held down the can with his foot and hammered the nail in. I wasn’t sure what I was about to witness but I knew I was going to laugh and couldn’t miss this for the world. As he nailed it in, the deodorant spray came out and started spraying everywhere like it was a hose on full blast. It at first sprayed him in the face and I started laughing, then it continued to spray him on the shirt, pants, hair, eyes etc. His glasses were dripping with it. Awesome I thought.
So I was trying not to let him know I was laughing by biting my finger saying “Oh boy, that’s too bad I hope you are OK”. He starts swearing and saying kusai! Kusai(it stinks)!! Then he yelled in English "This is very stinky!", I was thinking dude you can say that again. I could smell him from 20 feet away. He literally hit the nail on the head! He smelled like an old lady after too much old perfume trying to cover up the smell of her oldness.

Fixing an umbrella? Usually I throw them out. Privacy for kids.

Usually you would think a person learns from their mistakes. But then there are always those that don’t. After all who am I to judge? I recall catching bees in my hands until they stung me plenty of times as a child. Yes, as a child, with time I learned. He took the second can out and hammered it and the hairspray got him right in the glasses he had just washed off. The can sprayed all over the place moving around as it sprayed everywhere.
When he entered the staffroom again, he smelt so bad. I couldn’t stop laughing. If only I had it on video! That could have been a new addition to youtube and got a million hits.

Arrival to Shiga Ministry of Education

2011-11-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

Arrival in Otsu, Shiga. Time to go to go to the Ministry of Education!

Arrival at last. Oh by the way its as hot as hell. Enjoy!

After the hell walk (will be posted as a blog entry later) we arrived at the Shiga Ministry of Education Building. It was old and too far from the station. My sweat was dripping down my back as we entered the building. Air conditioning! Yes I thought, but no to my dismay there was no air conditioning. Apparently it was being renovated. Unlucky! We started to cue for the elevator. One tiny elevator made for 3 Japanese to stand in at one time. That means barely 1 foreigner and even that 1 foreigner with 1 or 2 bags no way! It was too tight was taking forever so I elected to take the stairs. The only problem was it was the same temperature as outside and the lactic acid in my arms had eroded my muscles beyond use. I pulled my bags up as hard as I could up 5 flights of stairs. When we arrived at the top they told us everyone was late and we needed to put our suits on. “Wait!”, I said. “Can I have a shower or something, I’m covered in sweat and smell like man chowder”. They said "No, hurry up and change." Unlucky.
I ran into a room full of sweaty half naked foreigners body types aplenty. We had little tiny guys, big guys, super duper skinny guys and even a girl walked into our room by accident! We asked if they could possibly turn on the air conditioning in the room since we were dying and sweaty. They put a large fan at the entrance of the room. I started to rip my clothes off. I stood in front of the fan wafting my stinky man chowder into the air for all my fellow brethren to enjoy. Finally there seemed to be some sort of cool air coming into some vents at the back of the room. It seemed the air conditioning was working, slowly but surely. I ripped my socks off, tore my boxers off and threw them on the vent. Might as well dry those suckers while I can I thought. I wasn’t sure what to think of the other foreigners, but I heard 3 guys all from England talking in their high level English accents. “Emmm are you from New South Whales? Would you mind some tea and crumpets?”. Actually sorry I can’t remember what exactly they said to one another, but something along those lines, plus I was pretty much naked so I was more concerned with that. I finally took a gander at the Brit with blue eyes and dark hair “Hey what’s up you British bastard?”. He seemed to be taken aback. “Nice to meet you my friend”, he answered. It occurred to me he might now know I’m Canadian so maybe I better explain that. “I’m Canadian”. He said “Ok”. Maybe he didn’t know what that meant. I thought everyone knew, Canada is like India to Britain, the 2nd jewel in the crown. Or maybe not, based on his expression. I thought he’d know the history of my forefathers, how our people came from England to conquer a whole new world and became the best country on the planet. He, and no one else I met seemed to know that. How could they not?
I turned to my right where a really gangly British chap named Mayur. He was this tall guy super thin and a posh accent. He said his name a few times but I wasn’t quite able to pronounce it. I kept saying Mayor and he said no Mayuuuurl. I said "You mean Mayor?". and he’d say "No". Eventually after 5 minutes he said "OK you may call me Mayor", and that’s what I called him. Mayor copied my idea of putting his boxers and socks and shirt on the vents to dry them. My first thought was, this guy is gonna be a good friend. That turned out to be true.

I don't want to post Mayur's face so his shoe will have to do for now. Can you see its gangly?

Camping in Japan

2011-11-04T01:16:00.000-07:00

Camping in Tsuruga Japan
Paradise or hell?

I went on a camping trip with my friend Anthony (also Canadian), Chiaki (who is a girl that speaks many languages), my girlfriend, Anthony's girlfriend and Chiaki's friend (don't know her name but she was silent and allergic to the sun, yes to the SUN!). So I heard the beaches (maybe bitches too) were super hot in Tsuruga. That sounded nice since Chiaki and Anthony's girlfriend had a car. It was a relatively close drive. The idea was to go there, and then go to some awesome campsite not too far away from beach (and the bitches). Well, it sounded great in theory.
The trip there was ok, I was in Anthony's girlfriend's car. As I recall nothing that great happened in the car, except that Anthony's girlfriend was loving my jokes (which are not too funny as u probably already know based on my writings on this blog). Anthony later told me his girlfriend kept saying she thought I was hot. I was like uhh OK. He said she never shuts up about it, which I guess explains why she laughed at everything I said including directions. "Turn left soon". Her response "Hahaha you are so funny." I was WTF, its a direction not a joke.
Finally when we got to the beach, it was beautiful except for the wood chips and small sticks and other crap floating in the water (I didn't see any bodies but there could been, it was cloudy).


The water was covered in debris. At least it looked nice here

Apparently there had been a major flood and it dumped this crap into the ocean. The beaches were also covered with with wood-chips, sticks etc near the tide line. The beaches would have been paradise if not for the weird things on the beach. There was a large number of Brazilians there though, sleeping in tents on the beach. They seemed a little scary. When I thought about it they probably liked us more than they liked the Japanese on the beach. My reasoning with this is that the Japanese probably thought the Brazilians were weirder than us. On the other hand, the Brazilians and us had a lot in common being foreigners. We were both outsiders, and didn't fit into the cultural norm. I believe that them sleeping on the beach was a cultural faux pas.

Sorry no bikini babes. I save those for me ;P

So after playing on the beach, burying Anthony as deep as we could like he was a sandcastle and such, we decided to go to the campsite.

When we got there, it was mass chaos. The whole campsite was wet and covered in logs and weird crap. It was like the beach only worse. I forget the exact price but I think it was like 100$ a night. I remember Anthony asking me to ask for a discount, which the guy laughed at and didn't do of course.

So we start to setup our tents. Anthony had bought a tent just for this trip, I think it was a two man tent. By two man that meant two small Japanese men, not one large foreigner and his girlfriend. Chiaki had a 5 person tent for Nancy, me, her and her friend.

At night after millions of mosquito bites we went to bed. Since I had been in the ocean and my skin was all salty I decided to shower. I guess that was the wrong choice because there was no hot water, which I didn't know until I was standing under the shower head and pulled. It felt like I was taking a shower on top of Mt.Everest. It was so cold I couldn't close my fingers or rub the soap properly. To complicate things there was no privacy really as the only area the shower covered was a 4 inch area crotch height. I have no idea how girls took a shower without exposing their bosoms. Based on how cold it was, they probably sucked it up and didn't shower. Ice showers are terrible. I kept thinking at least once I get into my cozy sleeping bag I'll warm up, its not like I want to get hypothermia.
As I got in my sleeping bag in the tent I tried to think of something warm. The only bad thing was that after about 30 minutes it started to rain. Earlier we had been saying, "Its such a nice day, why would we need a rain guard". I'll tell you, from now on I'm always putting a rain flap on.

I guess Anthony's tent wasn't made for the white devil gaijin (foreigner) cause he couldn't get comfortable. He told me later his feet were actually getting crushed by the frame of the tent. I did see his feet sticking physically outside of where the tent ended. He was bending the tent by having his legs straight. He claimed he didn't sleep a wink, but that probably wasn't because of that. More likely his girlfriend wanted some McLovin'.

So my sleeping bag sucked and was too short, so at first it was a hard sleep. Then, after some rustling, I was able to enter la la land. Then suddenly, I awoke to being drenched in water. As I slept, the rain came down and drenched me. In addition the ground was wet already and we had put our tent in a really bad spot where the water would all collect on my side. It felt like a river was washing over me. I tucked myself in the fetal position and tried to sleep. But there was no hope in that cold dark place, soaking wet. I started to hallucinate I was in a dungeon. The tent was leaking from the inside and there was a drip like Chinese water torture upon my brow. So my face was covered in freezing water and the puddle in the tent was getting bigger and it wasn't just me getting wet. I tried to sleep through it, but its like peeing on an electric fence, it won't work. Finally Chiaki says "I'm soaked, lets put rain cover on tent". I said OK, and as we fumbled in the dark for the tent zipper, but I couldn't find it. I guess Chiaki had put her head in the doorway and I didn't notice so when I yanked the zipper really hard her hair got stuck. I didn't realize I did it, but her head was sideways and she seemed to be moaning. Since she didn't say anything I kept yanking the zipper back and forth and it seemed to be stuck on something. After 2 minutes or so she told me her hair was stuck in the zipper and asked if I could stop moving the zipper up and down. It was tearing her hair out. I started laughing cause it was so ridiculous. At that point everyone else in the tent was woken up by my laughing. Then for the first time I noticed clumps of her hair in my wrinkly and wet hands. I tried to pull her hair from the zipper and the tent caved in! It was terrible! The whole roof fell down. Not only was her hair stuck in the zipper but I couldn't get it out. Finally I grabbed the roots of her hair and I said "Listen, I'm going to try to save a bit of your hair my holding it at the roots and ripping the hell out of the zipper. This may hurt a little." Thinking back I should have told her a lot.

Finally her hair came loose, but I lost a bit more in the zipper, possible pieces of her scalp-line too. I didn't notice till the next day but there was a patch of hair missing where I had torn the roots from her skull. If you are reading this, I still feel sorry about that.

We stepped out of the tent and it was raining hard and freezing cold.

We re-erected the tent and went to bed soaked. One of the worst nights of my life.

I guess the only person's worse was Chiaki, aside from the pain, she didn't even have enough hair to keep her warm anymore. Damn!

That's what I wanted to do after the camping experience. No sleep = suck

School Introduction. Wecome to the hood!

2011-11-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to your School

Oh and by the way you may be murdered.
Wonderful I thought, I've come to the right place.

Next after meeting Onizuka sensei (read previous post to understand) was our school introduction. We all had different schools scattered throughout the city.
We were driven by Onizuka sensei to our school. It was located at the base of Shiga’s most famous mountain Mt.Fuji. Actually, it wasn’t Mt.Fuji, but it sure looked like it. It was called Mt.Ibuki. The school didn’t really look like much, a massive field for baseball, soccer and soft tennis. I noticed the field was made of sand. I was wondering where the grass was, I was thinking maybe its summer so its out of season or something. The school seemed kind of old and a typical looking school, white colour with lots of windows.

Not Mt.Fuji but looks like it. Kind of?

When we entered we used some crap jelly plastic sandals(which my foot didn’t even stick half way in) and walked into the staffroom. I guess I expected people to jump at us and be like "Hey welcome to your new home", but there was barely any teachers in the staff room. We did some half ass-ed introductions then went to see the Principal. Based on the pictures I had received before arriving, I took it that the Principal and vice principal were very strict.

Being sent to the Principal's Office! Uh oh!

We entered the Principal’s office and were greeted with a smile. My Japanese was rusty and I was really nervous. I knew that its important to make first impressions and I wasn’t sure where to start. The Principal made some small talk in Japanese about where we were from and about our lives. He then asked how we would teach English at the school. Gez, hard question I hadn’t thought about that at all. I figured it would come to me as I started.
The Principal then changed the topic to the history of the school. Although I didn’t understand every word, I did recognize one that stuck out “dowa mondai”. Being an Asian Studies Major (Its nothing to brag about. You end up teaching English in the hood!) I had studied it in University. It occurred to me it was kind of strange I was at this school, since I was sure 99% of the foreigner’s in Japan would have no idea what that meant.
Was it destiny I thought? I saw my new co worker did not understand what that meant and the Principal explained a bit about the word, that it was a people who were segregated in Japan, similar to outcasts (untouchables) in India. I wondered if this was why the school was so far from town and seemed to be the furthest except for one Elementary school. Hell it was at the base of Mt.Fuji (not Fuji its a joke) so you know its cold.
I told the Principal that I had studied it. No comment from him. Maybe I was being cocky by telling him I already knew about it. He made what I thought was a joke. “I saw on your interview details that you do Judo”. Then he looked at my co worker, “And that you did Wrestling”. I smiled. I wasn’t sure how cocky I should be about it. I was never that great at Judo but yes I did consider it an important part of my life for a while. I answered that I had done it. He smiled, “You might need it”. I laughed. Little did I know it wasn't a joke.
Had I known what my next 3 years were going to be like, I should have asked for a baton, or possibly a tazer. I was about to be introduced to extreme level 12 (or whatever level is bad) riot control. It was like I was in the WWF (not World Wrestling Federation) but World Wildlife Fund and people wanted to take me down. Or is that the World Bank? Whatever, same thing isn’t it? Both result in pain and riots.
After our little chat in Japanese with the Principal we headed to the staff room.

Shared desk in the middle of the room isolated.

The Chinese guy and I let’s call him “Lee” and I were shown were our desks. His name isn't "Lee" but to hide his identity from stalkers I'm going call him Lee. Its also Lee, cause Lee can be a Korean name. This rant is going to get longer. He was ethnically half Japanese half Chinese American, but most of his family grew up in Korea so to further complicate things he was also culturally part Korean.
Ok now back to the story. I had heard in a Japanese culture class the closer you are to the Vice Principal the more important you are. We were dead centre of the room. Each grade 6,7,8 had 2 rows of desks facing each other for each years teachers.
Because my co worker and I had no definite year we were outsiders (which we already were). I looked around us. I stood out like a sore thumb x 2! We were placed at the end of the computer row. Maybe they were trying to separate those that were different and possibly diseased. That’s a good idea. Perhaps I should suggest masks as well. You shouldn’t breath our foreigner air. Haha, funny? A little at least for me.
I’m not sure what they feed the kids in Japan now, because she was the size of an elephant only built like a tank, aka large and in charge. Her hair was kind of a orange yellow that looks like a wig after too many bad hair dye jobs. Her face had makeup (the first thing thought that occurred to me was, whoa at 14 years old!). Her muscles were bigger than mine. She walked into the staffroom yelling “Hey Teachers I’m bored, give me some money”. I was like, who is this monkey and who let her out of her cage? She started to yell something I couldn’t understand, must be some dialect words I thought. Then she saw me. She smiled and walked up to me. “Hi foreigner”. Umm hi to you too."You from America?". "No", I answered. She looked at me. "You are hairy". "Thanks." I answered. "Do you have any presents for me?." I was thinking first she insults me then she expects a present? What the deuce man? I went through my bag of stuff. I had brought lots of pennies from Canada. I thought they would be great gifts. They are shinny, are real money and best of all, DIRT CHEAP! She has no idea they are worth nothing mwahahah! The first question she asks me “How much is this worth in Japanese yen?”. I smiled, "Oh, ah, emm, I’m not sure how to translate it with the exchange rate and all”. I hoped she wasn’t smart enough to look it up online.

Arrival to Nagahama as part of Jet Programme!

2011-11-02T23:56:00.000-07:00

Arrival to Nagahama, Shiga Prefecture Japan.

Nagahama dark green on the lake.

When we first arrived in our new city I was quite excited. Despite being a new environment and not knowing anyone well, I felt like it was a party. Well the party hit reality when I got to my new apartment. It was barren as the dessert and it smelled like paint. There was a tatami room(Japanese reed mats), a normal western style living room, a kitchen, and a tiny shower/bath. The shower/ bath seemed like a plastic box with a small sink beside it. The toilet was tiny in a room with a metal door with grates you could see through. Strangely it opened up to the kitchen. I thought it seemed like a weird place for a bathroom. Enjoy your food with some wonderful bathroom smells, mmm tasty!
There was also one large spare room as well with what looked like wooden floors. Lastly, there was a fridge in the kitchen with nothing inside. At least it was clean.
The smell of freshly painted walls was a little overwhelming at first. I imagine if you take a balloon of nail polish remover and stuck your head in it, that’s what it smelled like. On top of that the hea, oh the heat! If you could imagine the fires of hell that will partially explain to you what the heat of Japan is like. It penetrates your entire soul. Its so humid that when you come out of a shower and feel fresh as a daisy, you are immediately covered again in a sticky sweat. So imagine this heat and you think the only way to escape it is to hide in your apartment. The only problem is the smell of the paint mixed with the heat from hell is killing you. The heat makes the smell of the paint 10 times stronger. I was probably partially high during that first week now that I think of it.
Because I’m a social cat, I asked the other newbies from the building if they wanted to come over for a drink. I didn’t realize it at the time but none of us were drinkers. It seems funny now that I told everyone to drink. If I knew no one was a drinker I probably could have said let’s have a P and P party, pop and pizza. Although we’d have to replace pizza with something else, as Japanese pizza’s usually consist of a 1mm crust covered with tomato sauce with corn on it.
We all sat down at my place in the living room inhaling paint fumes. That may have been what helped make it so much fun. Because I didn’t have any furniture most of us leaned on the walls(probably covering our clothes with paint), and a few in the center of the room. One guy let’s call him Mr.C was from Texas. His glasses were kind of coke bottle glasses. If you don’t know what they are google it. They are basically thick glasses and look like they are made for comic effect. We found out Mr.C’s father was an optometrist. When one of the guys found that out he kept saying to me in private “If his father is an optometrist why would he make him wear those glasses? Has he ever heard of Lenscrafters?’.
After mentioning to everyone to be careful and not spill anything since this was my new apartment the worst happened. Mr.C spilt his drink all over my new floor. It may have been his glasses were too thick and he couldn’t see the floor, but that’s up to debate.
The floors themselves were quite odd. The looked like hard wood but when you walked on them they were not. In fact on top of whatever substance it was it seemed to be a layer of plastic film. Looking back on it now I think it kind of a linoleum that was coloured to look like hard wood. The weird thing though was the film on top of it. I’ve never seen that in any other country I’ve travelled to. When you walked on it, especially with sweaty feet, the plastic would tear itself off from the hardwood looking layer. I would often be pulling off chunks of plastic film from my feet. It was particularly hard to pull off when your feet were sweaty in summer and every step you take you feel like a plastic layer, or the skin on the bottom of your feet is about to peel off.
Mr.C’s spilling of alcohol and pop on the floor seemed to be like a corrosive acid to the plastic film and hardwood floor looking layer. I worried that the first day of this place and I’d already be dinged for damage deposit! Snap!

Our apartment "High Life". I'm not sure that was a good description.

Our apartments a collection of of 18 units was called “High Life Morii”. And yes, the side of our building actually had the words written in large letters “High Life Morii”. I can’t say there was anything high about it other than the smell of the paint in my unit. As for the Morii this referred to the older man Mr. Morii that spoke no English who owned it. Ironically for a person who owns 18 units he rented out 12 of them to foreigners. I often wondered if the city somehow tricked him into doing that. I often saw him dealing with problems that the foreigners were causing him. More on that later.
When we finally managed to dwell outside our foreigner kingdom castle (which had 2 sides covering it by rice fields) we ventured into the city to find a supermarket. We found a large supermarket and department store nearby called Heiwado which Chinese characters meant “The Peace Store”. Its symbol being 2 white doves. I wasn’t sure if I was about to walk into a place selling peace pipes or the Salvation army, but it turns out it was just an innocent name.
I had some stupid idea that when I moved to Japan I would start cooking amazing Japanese foods. Well first of all I don’t cook. Other than toast or cereal I don’t know how to cook a thing to save my life. As we entered Heiwado I looked at the fresh seafood section. For some reason my brain kept saying “Get something unique to Japan”. Well, not entirely unique to Japan but definitely cheap and something I wouldn’t ever cook at home, I saw octopus. How do you cook octopus? I had no idea, but I figured I’m in Japan I’ll have the motivation to find out. I picked up the biggest fattest tentacle I could find and threw it in my basket. Mission accomplished I thought.
I put that tentacle into my brand new fridge and left it there for over a month. I don’t know if there was an expiry date on it, but either way I didn’t care, I figured at some point I’d use it. After that month I realized there was a strong rotten fishy smell coming from the fridge. I wasn’t sure what to do so I didn’t investigate, instead I’d get in and out of the fridge as fast as possible. It was only when my girlfriend came from Canada that something changed. When she first entered the apartment she made a comment about a fishy smell. I was like “Oh hmm I don’t know what it is”. When she opened the fridge a few hours later she did a CSI investigation and realized that it was the month old tentacle. She threw it out, entirely scrubbed the fridge down and then put a special Japanese fridge deodorizer(similar to baking power) into the fridge. I would end up hearing complaints about the tentacle for another 3 years. She claims it still smelt after that time. I apologize to any future tenants of that apartment who may be using that fridge.

English Teachers Introduction

2011-11-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

Prior to arriving in Japan I thought I should watch something in Japanese to refresh my Japanese and learn a few things about Japan. This came in the form of G.T.O. Don’t get this confused with Grand Theft Auto (G.T.A). No, the Japanese TV show I am referring to is Great Teacher Onizuka. It is about a teacher who is a low level gang member who likes to look up girls skirts, smoke, swear and get in all sorts of trouble. Sounds like a good life that any guy would want. The first Chinese character in his name means devil or demon.


First character is demon or devil.

As we entered the room to be introduced formally to the teachers and apparently to the people of Shiga prefecture as this was being taped for TV, I was starting to laugh. Not out of fear of being watched by so many people or as I was being paraded like a money for people to throw peanuts at, but because I swore I was looking at Onizuka himself. All the Japanese teachers followed the same dress-code except one. The men wore their suits with ties all tied the same way, formal black shoes, and suit jackets. Their suite jackets all done up tightly despite the heat and the women wearing their skirts and typical black or grey dress-clothes not revealing any skin (damn!). Actually now that I think of it, it could have been a scene of THE MATRIX with Mr.Smith. There was one person though sitting in the middle of the crowd, who I thought looked like Onizuka. He was darker skinned, had sunglasses on (yes inside), wore a sleeveless shirt, gym shorts and had leather sandals beside his chair (which he wasn’t even wearing. He had bare feet!). The theme song started running in my head. I may have been humming it out loud whoops.
I was thinking it would be funny for whoever got Onizuka, after all he seemed to not want to fit in at all, he was like the opposite of the cultural norm. Japan has a saying “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down”. I was like, whoa this guy is a adamantium nail (the indestructible metal Wolverine's claws are made of out of in case you didn't know).
All of us monkeys sat down on our chairs as we faced our soon to be teachers, as well as city officials, education ministry officials and by way of filming, the people of Shiga. I had the feeling Onizuka was looking at me. I was thinking maybe I’m the best looking among the monkeys? (Unlikely I thought). A few of the monkeys looked like GQ models (damn them and their perfect faces!). Can’t they try to set the bar a bit lower for me!
We were told to introduce ourselves and then the teacher from our school would come forward, introduce themselves as well. After the introductions were over we would go to our schools. I looked beside me. The Chinese looking guy from the train sat beside me. I swear that I saw Onizuka stare at him. I whispered “Hey is he looking at us or just my imagination?”. The Chinese guy answered “No, its not your imagination. He is looking at us.” I was like oh, so I’m not hallucinating (with all that heat and man chowder smell I wasn't sure what was a mirage).
As the line moved closer to us I could feel the sweat dripping through my pits and back of my shirt. Then came our introduction. Onizaka put his sandals on and walked right up to us. “Hey guys you are really lucky, I’m the best English teacher in all of Shiga”. Everyone started laughing. He was like I’m serious, I’m cool.


The car he owned. When his hair was black again.

I thought that was good that he understood slang and wasn’t like the other Japanese English teachers who all seemed like robots, Domo Arigato Mr.Roboto!

Maybe I was lucky to have someone that fit outside the box I thought.

Little did I know the adventures were just about to begin.

Until next time!

Sand and Sports Don't Mix

2011-09-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

As we all know, no one on this earth wants to work more than they have to, especially if they are not paid for it. Its my right to leave as soon as my shift ends. I’m getting the hell out of dodge. I’m not Japanese and sorry even if you think, oh this barbarian should be able to understand everyone else is staying till late that he should to, I have no interest in doing so. Therefore I won’t.I have a life outside of work, and even if I don’t want to engage in something social with other people, TV or surfing the net will be fine by me.

Looking back at school. I'm out of here!

As soon as the clock hit 3PM I was always like, “Peace yo, I’m out of here”, only I said it in Japanese. I knew one foreigner that would go to the bathroom a few minutes before 3PM, run to his car and start it up. He was literally off property at 3PM and no one knew (maybe).
In my case as soon as I was off. However, a few times the teachers would ask if I’d like to watch any sports after school. Not really I thought, “Um sure for a bit”, I answered. I hoped a little but actually meant "not really, I'm just trying to be nice so that when you aren't looking I'm out the door sucker!
I sometimes watched soccer but I found it more interesting to play than watch. I had two main issues with playing soccer though. Either 1, the weather was extremely hot, as in hot like hell or so cold I felt like I was living in Siberia. Yes, and this coming from a Canadian - who could believe it? Issue number two was due to the field. I felt like I was putting my skin through a cheese grater. I would end up grating skin of my knees, shins, hands, wrists, arms, and elbows. This was due to the field being made out of sand instead of grass.


Play and cheese grate my skin or watch? Hmm..

During winter it would freeze and feel like cement when you fell on it. During the summer it would get in your clothes and shoes, and keep rubbing skin off even after you were off the field. The best part was when it would burn in your cut. You try to rub it out and it is like sandpaper rubbing your skin raw.

My last problem with the field was the sand vision, or should I say lack of vision. It was cutting my eyes. The students and teachers assured me it was an evil sand, that was brought to them by the evil Chinese. I often asked them, “Ahem, what do you mean by that?”.

They would often look at me like I was someone who couldn’t comprehend even the most basic things.

“The Chinese send it here all the time, their purpose is to be terrible to us”.

Interesting I would think. I can understand that students are kids and therefore, may come up with tales of fantastical worlds, where little hobbits run around with a ring to rule them all, and little boys with scars on their heads use magic but Chinese throwing sand at them? Seems a bit far fetched. After hearing it from 5 teachers, I decided either it was true, or someone was brainwashing them.
I still didn’t really understand what the rant meant, so I looked it up online and read that the sands from the Gobi desert were lifted by winds and hit Korea and Japan. The desert is also expanding at an incredible rate and literally covers Chinese cities with sand. The internet doesn’t say anything about China using spoons, or possibly chopsticks lifting up grains of sand in the air and flinging them toward Japan. I was under the impression they thought the Chinese were doing it on purpose to them. I think that part was a bit of a stretch, but then again who am I to say? I am no scientist.
Another reason I would sometimes stay later was that I thought by playing sports with the kids I would get to have fun with them too. The only thing is although I’m not overly competitive at the same time I don’t hold back even when playing with children. If I have to body-check a few 15-year-olds to make our team win I don’t have any moral dilemma with that. Is that so wrong?
After a few body checks I think the kids knew I meant business. They probably suspected I would take it easy on them. They were in for a real awakening then. I started to play another game on the sand that a lot of kids played called soft tennis.


Soft tennis. A Japanese made sport. No backhand?

What the hell is that you ask? Supposedly it was a game created in Japan. It is very similar to normal tennis except that the ball is a soft rubber one (to bounce on sand) and also that there is no backhand swing allowed (although I did a few backhands anyways) which threw them off their game. What better way to trick them then to do something they wouldn’t expect and not follow the rules! Take that! I win at last!

P.S. One day before a sports festival I helped the kids clean up the field. When I asked what they were doing they said picking out grass and it ruins the field. I was thinking of coming back nightly to lay grass seeds to protect myself and them from the sand.

Links What is Soft Tennis?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soft_Tennis

Gobi Desert Info
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gobi_Desert

Toxic Sand from China
http://www.terradaily.com/reports/Chinese_yellow_sand_hits_Japan_SKorea_officials_999.html

The Scooter and The 3 Musketeers!

2011-08-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

Accidents aren't usually funny, unless they involve someone getting hurt and its not me. Well, the accident the other day was a bit of both.

I bought a scooter for about $300 American. Seemed like a good deal, but it has a few holes in it, it has been in an accident or 2 but I thought it seemed OK. As long as the holes aren't in the gas tank, or I’ll be throwing money away. hahahhaha holes in the gas tank, that would be funny. Leaking behind me as I drive, it could be like in a movie I just need someone to light a match on my gas trail. Cool... until I blow up.

Not my exact scooter but similar "puke" green colour.

Well the girl I was buying it from was there, and she said I should drive it once to try it out, so I went around the parking lot as slow as I could, not only to not embarrass myself as I’d never ridden a scooter before, but also cause if there was some problem with it and I didn’t like it I better not damage it.

Later in the day I saw 3 Gaijin English Teachers hanging out. TR, Matt and Nick who asked if they could try it. Sure I thought, what’s the worst that could happen. Let me tell you from experience you should never think that way. Upon taking the scooter out, I turned it on and didn't turn the wheel away from the fence. As I gassed it, I accelerated full speed into the sharp fence and my leg got stuck between the fence and bike. I couldn't remember where the break was and kept accelerating. So I cut my leg, my hands were crunched into the fence and the bike kept going. I see the neighbours behind the fence went inside, possibly because they thought a Gaijin had just been released from the insane asylum. Maybe they were right. I was very embarrassed but laughed it off. They were all laughing too.

Nick asked for a go on it. He grabs it and does it a little turn, then all the sudden he accelerates at full speed and pops the front wheel into the air, it was completely vertical. I was thinking that is so funny, man he must be really good with this thing to feel confident at controlling it like that. Who in their right mind pops a wheelie(if that’s what you young ins call it these days).
Seconds later I realized he wasn't in control. He was heading for a cement wall at full speed. You might imagine a little scooter doesn’t go that fast, but yes, especially while popping a wheelie it can go. He smashed into the wall and the front tire crashed into the window of our apartment building. I was sure it broke/cracked. My bike crashed and fell down and the sound of many things shattering echoed in the parking lot. The other 2 were laughing except me and Nick. As I looked around at the chaos I noticed for the first time a 12 pack of beer on the ground. I guess they were all drunk, but I hadn’t picked up on it. I guess I don’t pay attention to detail (must be why my girlfriend always says I have Attention Deficit Disorder).
Nick got up and his hands were all crushed from the bike. I was thinking looks like he will have a lot of bruises. I saw him a week later and his hands were purple and blue. Oh well, serves him right, he broke my bike. Karma is a b#*@h.
The rear tail light was completely shattered on my bike. Likewise, the fender cracked off. I don't know what else except for paint chips, random pieces of metal all over the ground (where did all the metal come from? Probably not that important, just the screws holding my scooter together). He probably just added a few more holes as well, hopefully not in the gas tank. I was thinking it was my chance to just spray paint it a new colour as the puke green looked bad anyways.

Our building. Just behind the tan car he hit the window.

Nick didn’t want to seem less manly so he didn’t really say much about it.
A week later he told me he would give me about $20 bucks for the repairs.
I got a new tail light that cost $30, the chipped paint I didn’t do anything about. I decided it added character. As for Nick, well he didn’t give me the $20. He never really lived up to any of his promises, except for inserting me into one of his rap songs, where he made me yell about AK47’s, Glocks, and M16’s. I don’t even know what those are.


Not Nick but someone that looked like him.

The Tale of the Snow Monkeys

2011-08-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Snow monkeys. Have you ever seen a monkey before? They look kind of human like share the majority of our DNA, but at the same time they are filthy. Covered with hair, poop into their hands and eat it. There is definitely a bit of a missing link between us as species, well at least most of us. Regardless of their imperfection, you can almost see the human in them. Apart from leathery skin, hair and poop, their eyes and gestures sometimes seem like us.

So cute or so I thought at first.

Now Imagine a baby monkey and how cute it is. Change that brown hair to mostly white and that the monkey’s don’t live in a forest canopy and play in a hot spring. Their lives revolve around frolicking in the snow, I wish I could do that.

If you can imagine that then you’ve thought of something truly magical in Japan(No, not the magic kingdom in Tokyo, which is cool. Instead of spinning teacups they have spinning sushi, just kidding).
As I mentioned before snow monkeys are very cute, but at the same time you have to take precautions. They are stronger than us and have an attitude when challenged. We were told don’t look directly into the monkey’s eyes as that means you are challenging them. The bigger ones have arms the size of crowbars and can tear a human male in half if they wanted to(in theory anyways). They seemed docile enough as we approached. I looked into the babies eyes. At first I saw his hands that looked so human like except their nails looked painted black and the palms of the hand more leathery.

One angry snow monkey.

One monkey seemed not impressed I was looking at the baby and charged me. I turned my eyes the other way. I saw all the monkeys playing in the hot spring. I thought how cute it was and it seemed like they were having a bath in a jacuzzi together. Then I thought wow this is amazing maybe I can jump in with them and swim around. That cute thought abruptly ended when I saw a mother monkey take a number 2 (aka feces) into the hot spring on her baby. The baby picked it up and ate some, sick! How much DNA do they share with us again?
I saw them running around like dogs a bit and throwing feces at each other, that’s cute I thought, just don’t get any on me.

Then I saw two monkeys rolling up a big ball of snow. What the heck are they doing? Then for a brief moment I thought I had a telepathic moment with one of the monkeys, its human eyes staring at me. They were building a snowman? Maybe they could use fecal matter instead of a carrot for a nose. Perhaps I could teach them, the teacher always comes right out of me at the most appropriate times.I guess my telepathic power of persuasion didn’t work because the biggest monkey picked up the ball and threw it on the head of a smaller monkey who now ran away and cried with its hyena cackle. I picked up a snowball myself just in case this monkey wanted to engage in Mortal Kombat.

The monkey made the right choice and left the second large ball of snow on the ground. Had he chosen to fight me, I would have face washed him. He would have been getting snow out of his nose and mouth for days! Cute, but definitely not the most perfect of god’s creations.Made in our image but not close enough it seems. I still suggest you see them at least once. Heed my advice, don’t stare in their eyes they will either suck you in with their cute looks or cause you to run away screaming like a little girl hoping they won’t kill you. I did a bit of both to be honest.

Don't jump in. Its not clean even though it looks kind of magical.

To see more about snow monkeys see Wikipedia article at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_macaque

My youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva?feature=mhee