Memoirs of a Gaysha

Set Sails

2012-02-15T15:16:00.009-05:00

The world is a mysterious and wondrous place. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was not in a solemn mood but one of what I may call acceptance. I turned thirty earlier this year and for thirty years I have been single. I have never been in love or dated so this was nothing new for this year's red heart filled world. Out of my ordinary night of events I had worked a very busy morning at work, received the ordinary cutesy Valentine's from a coworker and came home to a very lounging afternoon. For diner I ordered Chinese food and made myself some vodka martinis and went to bed.

As part of my food order I received four fortune cookies, which the first three did not provide any insight or inspiration as they usually do however the fourth cookie, eaten this morning proved much different.

One of my biggest fears is failure. I want to be successful in business and I fear that my living out my life I will not. I've seen and experienced in the past what my social activities can do to my career and since that is the most unprotected choice in the world, including most of the United States I fear becoming a stereotype.

Is it self discrimination that I do that? Is it prejudice that I think that way about a group of people that I most likely belong to? Am I just blinded and bittered by my hometown?

I think it's a bit of everything. I've recently sunk into the reality that I am tired of dealing with the community here. Mostly based upon the struggle with keeping the Buffalo Drag Brunch going, to now I wonder is it me? I am the problem? I know I haven't been as focused on it in this last month as I should have been but do people just not want to work with me? I hope not but it's a fear.

That thought leads to what I fear the most, failure. Possibly bred into me by my parents it is the thing I fear the most and now that I am in an awkward position in life, my current professional transition, my finances restricted I feel the noose around my life greater than before.

Maybe my problem is the limited view of the transgendered community. My only experiences have been show girls or man girls. (Which forgive me for saying, but these are the girls that are living their T but goddess help them still look like dudes. it's horrible for me to think like that and it's something I know I have to work on)

I've never met a real girl until possibly the story of Janet Mock broke out, sharing her experience and that she is a transgendered person that is and has been highly successful but with her choice of coming out she is now the poster child for transgenderism. Which I'm sure no doubt weighed upon her heavily with her choice to share her story. It seems that anyone comes to surface about a topic they willingly and sometimes not take on the banner of that issue.

So where does this take me? I in my current state am a "ship in the harbor" and I think it's my biggest hold back, my biggest failure and as beautiful a ship in harbor maybe it's nowhere as beautiful as that ship racing across open waters.

But how do I leave the dock and do I have a crew that will help me get there?

With the major distraction no longer in my life I guess it's time to prepare to hit the high seas and get this ship in shape.

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy. ~ Marilyn Monroe

2011-12-07T19:45:00.009-05:00

Born Norma Jean Mortenson, June 1, 1926 she is an iconic Hollywood star, to this day remaining an iconic sex symbol,classic image of Old Hollywood and tragically linked to the definiation of Hollywood's dark side and probably one of the greatest stories of recreation ever in American life.

I recently saw "My Week With Marilyn", a film starring Michelle Williams as the legendary Hollywood starlet. I have to say with her first words uttered Michelle did a breath taking job portraying her.

This past New Year's Eve I recently had a performance at the Underground, a nightclub/bar here in Buffalo. The experiance was eye awakening and I always go back to the old say "how you spend your new years is how you spend your year.". Part of me hopes that this is not so, although I spent my NYE as Sushia, feeling attractive and beautiful I also spent it alone.
I spent most of the fall preparing myself for being alone. Going shopping, dining out, laundry, coffee alone but I wasnt quite prepared for spending my NYE alone, in a bar.

With this New Year Ive started a recreation of myself of sorts. Ive left my previous employer for a new one, in an industry that I have wanted to be a part of but have not entered before and Im trying my very best to focus on the moment and not six months down the line. (When I can post) However as I approach my thirtieth birthday, just sixteen days away I need to look towards my future. Who will I be? What will I be doing? Where will I be living? Will I be in love? Thirty isnt the of an era, Im looking at it as the start of a new chapter.

Giving Thanks and Trauma: A Family Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T22:01:00.008-05:00

"Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart"

This time of year is always enjoyable, here in the north the air becomes cool and crisp, for a few weeks our trees light up in color before becoming bare and we get trapped into winter.

This time of year is also home to the two biggest holidays where people come together from around the globe, return to their family homes for what can be the most uncomfortable time of the year. My quote at the end of last night, Thanksgiving was "why can't holidays come once every six months, I don't know if I can recover to do it again in sixty days". This from a text to a friend of mine.

I've always hated family gatherings, not just holidays but any of them. Birthdays, picnics, graduations, etc because some way, some how my family will argue over something. Now in the last few gatherings have been nice, no drama and although cautious with Thanksgiving I do have to admit I let my guard down. At four in the afternoon my mother even mentioned that this was the longest time we've ever spent together as I was at the house since around eleven in the morning to help prepare the meal.

All was well enough until too much vodka was poured and tempers flared and shouting across the table between my mother and brother ensued. I sat silent along with my brother's girlfriend at the table, victims of this angry match.

I'm quietly tried to comfort my mother, offered her water because at one point she started to cry post argument and my brother did not try to apologize or recognize her sadness however for my own sake I had to depart and not just to put away the four bags of laundry I've done.

As I got my car and pulled away I broke down in tears on the road, my emotional break had come to surface and I could not contain it anymore. The argument brought up old currents that have been buried deep within my mind from my own childhood, my parent's excessive drinking, their angry arguments, verbal and possibly physical abuse....all the things that I have worked so hard to heal or in some cases my mind has blocked out to protect myself.

I am damaged.

My tears lasted all the way home until at that point my instincts kicked in and I shut down, locked away what I was feeling into that vault where all emotions are buried.

I am damaged...but will try not to let you see it.

My love of science fiction and the stage/movie is my desire to escape my own reality, my love of Martha Stewart is my desire to hide the truth. Like any victim of abuse the shame you feel for being a victim builds the desire to make all appear as well or normal.

Am I strong because I know my damage? Am I fool because I am still limited by them? Am I a fool because I think I can hide them? I do actually think I do a pretty good job since I've had some friends be surprised by somethings they aren't aware of until I tell them.

What it ultimately comes down to is that I need to stop the continuing amount, the learned behaviour and allow myself to live a better life moving forward.

I am thankful for the knowledge of that and now must continue with it's practice.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.....

2011-11-07T21:20:00.005-05:00

"There is a secret in life, better then any fortune teller can reveal. We all have a great hand in the forming of our destiny." ~ Dolley Madison

You would think this blog would start out with a picture of ruby slippers and the famous pathway hour life is not that easy. Three clicks of your heels and you are not home.

I am recently off of a trip from Tampa, FL. It's been maybe a month or more since I've been on a business trip and I am exhausted. Aside from sleeping last night and an hour nap today I am still exhausted.

The arean of my life has turned into the Coliseum. Full of battles, spectales and more.

Most of the battles are with myself. I am at an unfixed point, unsettled, unstable. I am two months and 21 days until I become thirty. I work in a career field I hate, I'm am not who I feel I am, alone and unloved and in a point of desperation I reach out to whatever is near to steady myself.

Like a star collapsing into itself....I create havok around me.

Now I'm not being a destructive force, or at least I don't think to others but as any rogue I'm not in control.

I think this is evident by my out of control motions of looking for new employment. I know I'm not happy what I'm doing and I "know" what I want to do but I am not sure how to there or if I am really doing the right thing. Am I taking a leap first without looking where I step?

I've done this before, the first time I've lasted a year, the second time I lasted six months. Am I letting my feelings of lost with myself interfer with a career? I capable of doing any job that I am in and I am capable of exceling at it however there always comes a time when I become uninterested in what I'm doing and seek something new. Is this because I've finally adapted to what I'm doing and fall into the reality of my own existence again?

I remain unfocused on my future career (aside from being a domestic goddess to the love of my life) and in writing this portion of the blog the next day I realized that's ok. We don't all go through life "5 steps ahead" and I've seen people who are always looking ahead and they miss the present, the miss the facts and data and come into things that could easily be avoided.

I'm sharp, I'm smart (pretty) so I know what to do and what's coming at me. I just need to face a few things now that I am not.

Life Unfulfilled

2011-10-31T09:33:00.009-04:00

Sometimes I wish the Universe would just "ssshhhhhh" you but alas it does not. In those scenerios where it does not we allow our thoughts, emotions or whatever to get out of control and dictact actions we would prefer not to happen.

But I of course live by the rule that all things happen for a reason so I must stop living a life in regret. The words spoken, action taken, etc were meant to be. I know that one of my biggest fears or regrets is showing my full hand and getting rejected for it. As life continues I become more and more aware of items in my past that make me realize why I am the way I am and why I've blocked it out.

I grew up in an angry, bitter household, filled with emotional and at times physical violence. I grew up the child of two alcholics that often times filled my childhood with some form of abandonment and lack of fulfillment as they worked to fulfill their needs, I only receiving some form of material gratificaiton later to make up for disapointments.

So here I am, the grown child that gifts extravagently because I can't say "thank you" or "I love you", the grown child that is often emotional deteached even from himself. The grown child that is often too scared to take the next step forward because he is afraid of getting the negative consequence which so often occurs, the grown child that likes all the wrong men because it's easier to want something you can't have than handle something that could actually happen.

So here is the grown child that continually hurts himself because that is all he knows how to do.

So here is the grown child that looks to build the perfect fairy tale so that you the friend and neighbor does not know that anything is wrong. The magic mirror looking to crack under the weight of it's own spell.

Trannystar Galatica Special Guest!

2011-10-22T14:19:00.004-04:00

So for anyone that doesn't follow me on youtube or has had to check out the Sush in the City channel I recently had the opportunity to guest host/blog on the Trannystar Galatica channel for my friend Sama.

I was really nervous and have only started recently video blogging. Here is my guest video, please check it out!

Welcome to Sush and the City

2011-10-07T15:47:00.001-04:00

Buffalo Drag Brunch Premiers Oct 16th

2011-10-07T12:16:00.007-04:00

You've heard right ladies and gentlemen of the Western New York area, after almost a year of thinking and working on it an idea that I had a few years ago is coming to fruition.

The Buffalo Drag Brunch, hosted at Quaker Bonnet Eatery in the historic Allentown area of Buffalo, NY premiers this month!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a monthly fundraiser for the Pride Center of Western New York and will feature some of Buffalo's best drag talent including performers like Fy'a, Jayme Coxx and Vanity Vogue.

Please if you are in or around the Buffalo area come and check us out. This is a family friendly event that is open to all people, gay, straight, queer, questioning, etc.

For our Halloween Brunch you are welcome to partake the fun and come in costume!

Reservations can be made, but not required by contacting the Quaker Bonnet Eatery at (716) 884-0435.

Poison in the Pond

2011-09-26T12:04:00.009-04:00

A recent soiree into the field of romance has turned out as expected, in nothing. In Charlatan I wrote about this attempted pursuit. Recently due to the magic of Facebook stream my thoughts from that night were confirmed. I am not sure if the exact person was the person that aided in those thoughts however the situation is confirmed, "in a relationship".

This always brings me back to a few thoughts, "what's wrong with me?, am I that damaged?, am I that ugly (either physical or internal)" and the list goes on? Maybe it's because I'm not as open or engaging of a person when I'm behind the protective shell of Sushia.

Within about two weeks I have the first ever Buffalo Drag Brunch coming up. This is a project that I have been slowly working on for a year. It started with an idea that I had a few years ago to bring a drag brunch to Buffalo after attending a few drag brunches there. After meeting with a new friend Richard, a fellow LGBT professional and Pride Center of WNY board member. He absolutely loved the idea and thought it would be a great a fundraiser for the Pride Center of Western New York. So after meeting with the Executive Director Jorian I worked with local performers, asked a few restaurants and finally got one to take on this venture.

So here we are, almost a week and a half before the brunch and I am nervous as hell!!!!!!! I think one of my biggest fears is that I am not as good as I use to be, as glamorous or beautiful as I was once was and will now only look like a DUDE in a wig walking around like she trying to be something she isn't.

Am I a has been?

Recently while flying through Detroit on my way to Memphis for work I had a two hour layover so aside from walking the entire airport from one terminal to the next I made a stop in one of the many gift shops and ran across the Watchover VooDoo Dolls. I spent along time looking at the rack, kept spinning it around and around, unsure of which one I wanted. The conversation that I had with my friend Lisa about her being in Boston, MA and if I needed any magical items in my life. At that I had not been drawn to anything however I had now been drawn to these so I had to take a moment and feel what I was being called to.

The first doll that I picked up was the Mermaid, mostly because of her cuteness and resemblance to Sushia but I kept reviewing over what the doll meant.

As I boarded the plane, I've spent the last two and a half hours in an airport by myself and now a two hour flight to Memphis on my flight alone, in a row all by myself. I was thinking about the dread of going into work, the joy of traveling for myself and thinking back to my conversation with GL and I said to myself "I am Sushia". So I think the choice of this doll, not just in resemblance to my alter ego but what I need, protection in my confidence in "land, sea and air" is truly a need.

While in Memphis I got the following fortune cookie and I think combined with my Voodoo Mermaid and my thought on the plane it has all become a sign.

I am SUSHIA! (now mind you my mental picture is Jean Grey flying out of the water as Phoenix)

I need to get over these fears, the hold backs, emerge again and let the energy flow, see and feel the energy and spirit that my friends see in me and see it myself and love and care for it as they do for me.

Falling Into You

2011-09-19T10:33:00.003-04:00

I've just returned from a business trip in Indianapolis, IN. A town that I didn't expect to see as much from as I got. A beautiful downtown that springs up out of flat farm land that surronds it. If you're on Foursquare, friend me and find out where I happen to be either in my hometown or across the country! @Sushia

My return home was as expected, a flight through Philadelphia Airport is never on time and we sat in taxi on the jetway for 30 mins causing us to miss our connecting flight in Buffalo which also provided a fun hangout in terminal C with my coworkers, living and eating off our per diem. My actual arrival in Buffalo was also expected, I picked up my luggage, picked up the shuttle to my car and and drove myself home. There was no fanfare, there were no tears and there were no hi how are you or hugs of welcome home.

Mostly while away I don't get phone calls or text messages either, facebook has it's usual activty or maybe a tad bit more as I check into different places. But in almost a year of monthly traveling I've gotten use to the lack of show upon my return.

This morning is how I usually spend my day off, with just a little twist. Aside from having to get blood drawn for my annual blood work I enjoyed breakfast at Panera this morning followed by my routine laundry and sitting in Coffee Culture.

The one thing that this job has given me is a sense of how much I really am on my own and how confident I really need to be in myself within that life. Before I would never go into a coffee shop or mall by myself to take care of my needs, never before would I want to hang out on the street just taking in the world around me. At least by myself.

As I approach my thirtieth birthday I've come to learn and accept that parts of my life will be spent alone and I need to learn and adapt that I do not need all or should have certain parts of my life alone. Friends will be there for you when you need them, but you need to let them know you need them there. Maybe that is another lesson that I need to learn, the act of letting people know that you need them there. I often expect that disapointments in life and with people, mostly based upon the experiances in my childhood that continue to this day with my family.

I am however comfortable with the level of one-ness that I have in my life. That should be one thing that I focus on in this season, as the tempatures cool and trees begin to let their leaves go I too should drop those old anxieties of being alone.

heART

2011-09-10T21:18:00.008-04:00

So recently I blogged about finding my art in Express Yourself. In this past week I met with my spiritual counselor, GL from the PeaceWeavers and discussed what she had told me. In our session we talked about work, life, love attempts and art and he said to me "find your heart" however it was emphasised as "heART" and again it struck me, my art is my heart and I've cut off both of them.

In past weeks I've come to realize how emotional of a being I am and how easily I can get wounded and remembered why I've put on that Ice Queen shell. To protect myself from all the dangerous of the world. I don't know the exact time that I started to shut down however I do know the reasons for doing so, aside from the evils of the world but in thinking back I am not sure when I lost my art.

It must have been gradual, a slow death for me not to take notice and may have occurred around the time that I started losing confidence in myself. I know that at one point, since my return to Buffalo in 2003 I reached a very low point spiritually, emotionally, mentally. In whole I was a damaged being and to this day I am still on the mend.

It's an interesting thing, losing yourself and not being aware of it. You wonder earnestly what's wrong with you, what's caused this change in character however once you know it it's just easy to going back to it.

In a recent conversation with a friend the sincerity of my comment, "well I'm glad you found your joy.", in response to the question I replied "none sir, our lives are not often filled with joy and we don't have time to do or gt paid for to do it. Any instance we have, grab it." The conversation continues the in vaguest of terms about him finding his joy and going forward with something and that he has thought it out and the circumstances that could come with it. From the text of the text, this conversation was helpful.

I should look back to this conversation and see how, in my own life taking a chance on something I desire could change the world for me. My statement of "I've not the chance so many times, yes." is one of the truest statements I've ever made. Often in times I keep to the safer more stable ground then rock the boat and venture into the high seas.

Taking a chance is one of the most frightening things a person and can do, however this could also be the most rewarding.

I've recently been watching Jem on the HUB and saw an episode "Midsummer Night's Madness" where Jerrica if stressed out and thinks everyone is loyal and loves Jem over Jerrica however they are the same person. In the end the lesson learned was that no matter who Jerrica was, meaning in this story she was Jerrica, Jem and the random identity Jamie the love of her life was connected to her because he was connected to Jerrica the person, not the identity she took on.

That is also a lesson that I need to learn for myself. I often fear that Sushia is the person that people love, not me however I always forget that Sushia and I are the same persons and it's just a physical expression of character.

Sushia is part of my art and also part of my identity, a part of my gender expression. However if if I am not expressing my heART what am I expressing? Who in the absence of everything did I become?

If my friend can take a chance on something can I take the same chance on myself? I don't know what his actions or opportunity was and but I know mine. Like in the days of our childhood, when we jumped off the swing or slid down the pole it's just a matter of making that decision to leap.

A Plague Upon It!

2011-09-06T18:17:00.005-04:00

So I recently came down with Cellulitis. However thanks to a good friend who upon seeing told me what it was and how serious it can me. She, being a heartfelt person I took it very seriously and after my cousin's wedding I gave the local ER a visit. It comes down to sitting in the ER for hours, once in getting a lortab and a bag and a half of intervenes antibiotics and was requested to come back the following day.

This first night in the ER I took myself there, signed myself in, pondered for a bit how alone I was, smiled through the pain, sensed the pain of others and pitied others as well. A few people had sent me text message, general in what I was doing and once discovered the situation I was in kept following up with me.
I hadn't told my mother as I assumed she was drinking with family, and I being her youngest child would only cause and emotional upset but told her the following morning that spent an hour long call of tears and her offers to take me back that night to follow up.

I was asked several times "why did you go alone?" and my only response was "who would I go with?". My emotional seperation has never been really more apparent until that moment. In a moment of emergency care I took myself to a hospital, possibly would have been unable to take myself home but determined to do so.
As lonely and scarred as I was to be there, it was my normal instinct to go it alone.

Charlatan

2011-08-31T17:31:00.005-04:00

"Surely nobody would be a charlatan, who could afford to be sincere."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Are we all charlatans in some respect? We all gain a little bit of knowledge. We all carry around little soap boxes and spew out data, facts, idea and more about any array of topics that we care about.

My thoughts like to wrap around this concept as well, am I a charlatan, an impostor, a fake, a pretender or sham? Do I attempt to live a life that I truly am not designed for?

Earlier today I had the thought "I was made to be a kept woman, but it isn't happening in this life." A recent midnight fling, a (drunken) emotional breakdown over a man and having a crush the realm of the heart is disrupted. Actually both the heart and mind are in flux.

One major thing that I hate is letting anyone have control over me, especially a man and more then anything else in the world I hate myself for letting it happen. Which is something that I've done. Within this year I started attending LGBT Professional Mixers put on by our local Pride Center . During one of these events I unassumingly meet a man that I eventually befriended on Facebook and expectantly ran into him one night. Unbeknownst to me I rushed over in what appeared like much more a lust full charge (LOL). Since then my work has really kept me away from those events and that person.

In recent weeks I've become a little more determined and actually focusing on achieving the wanted results. Especially since this is a person that I could potentially achieve and not unavailable for obvious reasons. So with that intent I've taken to FB chat, showed up at his shows (he's a singer) and with the biggest leap invited him out.
The invite out initially seemed to fail as they all do then I got the message that he and someone else were going to show up. Now I have seen these two together before but thought nothing of it. Friends, ya know. However this night upon being created there was a scent upon his breath, something that smelled like sex. This immediately caught my guard but in pursuit I thought to put that fear aside (I was over thinking it) and said maybe it's cheap cigarettes. So the night progressed with some conversation however I think that I being with a friend made it appear that I was with someone. But the effort to draw in conversation in my own respect was more effort that should be needed but at the same time I thought well, this is first attempt.

Well of course drinking continued and the group ends up at the late bar. In the excess of booze and just being observant I swear I saw an intimate moment between my target and his friend. Being the end of the night, mind and emotions stretched I ended up beginning to cry in my friends car, crying my way up to the apartment and crying in my room.

I am not proud of this moment and I know what of the thoughts that kept running through my mind was "why does this always fail?", over and over again. So why does this always fail? Is it because I am a charlatan when it comes to love? Am I not meant to be a housewife and was I meant to be a lady of the night? A mistress, a fantasy?

What am I? What is my purpose? Why can't anyone just like me? (These last questions are a little dramatic but damn it I want to be.)

Express Yourself

2011-08-26T14:58:00.007-04:00

So I just had a conversation with an old friend, a person that I've know since maybe elementary school and they said something profound to me. One amazing thing about speaking with someone that has known you for a long period of time is that they know you. They know you before the changes, the colors, the cloths, the work and they can say the simplest thing that makes you realize something you never thought of before because you focus so much on the current and recent past.

My friend Sama said in not so plane words "Find your art". Now Sama has known me for a long period of time and we were able to reconnect via Facebook. However Sama has known me before the whole self awareness/self identify period. Before the time when we all try to become "ourselves" and define our identities by dress, style, expression and more.

In my youth I was a very artistic person. I played imaginary games, sang in chorus, played the violin and drew all the time. I event recall a friend being envious one time because my stick figures were better then his.

This conversation made me realize one thing, well others as well but one big thing. Outside of my need to express my gender I've stopped the artistic expression of myself all together. I no longer sing (however that maybe good because I think I've lost my voice), I no longer draw, I no longer play a musical instrument (queue skin flute jokes), I no longer craft and I no longer volunteer and I no longer do drag.

I no longer do what had come so naturally to me, I no longer do my art.

In my current existence I've become so much wrapped up in success that I've lost touch with doing art for expression and pleasure. I've lost touch with how to make myself a success with things that I gain joy from opposed to running in the rat race with everyone else.

Life has become so equated with success that you give up all you have for it. Marriages fall apart, relationships with all persons become strained. Your life day and night becomes success. I should have known this transformation had taken place when you think about strategic career planning after hours, business plans, road maps, federally governed policies, etc. When my focus turned towards unnecessarily complicated matters and away from life I should have known.

Sitting in a Panera (in the burbs) I walked in to a group of 4 guys. I am not sure what there age is, they are what we would see in movies and read in books the essential geek. To quote Volcano Todd from an unrelated post, these boys appear to be "lunatic fanboys". People who I am sure are very nice, decent people however would get a second look at from society and shunned in certain circles.

But "get it gurl" they are doing exactly what they love and are happy with what they are doing. So I don't understand the need for six sided die how that it determines how many sword strikes are taken or what magic spell I can cast or how powerful Pikachu's lighting strike is.

So what am I doing? Am I too caught up in the game to withdrawn now? "Know when to hold them, know when to fold them?"

When are we all in and have gone to far? Life has always been about survival, from when our ancestors climbed out of the swamps, when they climbed down from the trees and walked on two legs to know. Only in our advancements have we changed the game of survival. It is no longer about feeding yourself and your family it is about making the most money, paying the bills, building a profession.

This weekend was the Elmwood Avenue Festival of the Arts, the second of two major art festivals we have here in Buffalo. This festival I like to consider the more organic of the two festival as it is filled more crafts, jewelery, potteries and more. It has a vegetarian food area and one stand even runs on solar power. Our first art festival is the Allentown Art Festival, much bigger and more well known the the Elmwood you are more likely to find suburban fairs as I call it, meaning paintings of windmills, fields, forests with little wishing wells, etc.

I love going to the types of event and I've finally picked up my "Buffalo" sign made my a local artist out of photo graphs of different architectural gems of the city. I've been wanting one for a long period of time, a friend of mine has one of her own and so with just a little extra cash that I had I decided it was time to purchase one.

These are the things in life that make me happy. Going places, doing things, taking little adventures, spending money. Just being out there in the world. One major thing that I did yesterday was walk around everywhere.

Since I am blocks from the festival I decided not to move my car and lose my parking. So I walked to Tim Hortons for coffee, came home and sat on the porch. I walked over to the festival, walked the entire festival and then came home. I walked out to a local restaurant, ate lunch BY MYSELF (big deal) and came home. A lot of walking is good for me in general however doing all those things by myself are even bigger.

For being an out and eccentric person I am actually pretty shy and reserved which is actually pretty typical from what I hear about most performers. The personas we put on are meant to protect ourselves.

But no matter what the brave face I may have on I don't do well with being out in public alone. My mind goes wild with what other people are thinking about me, harsh thoughts, judgements and more. So taking the time to walk around my neighborhood to grab lunch, see a festival, whatever are big steps for me and are being taken because I feel in part that this is the direction my life is taking.

I approach the big 3-0 and at the age of twenty nine I have never been in a relationship, I've never been on a date and I've never been in love. Am I meant to be alone, always? That might be dier situation however I need to accept and over come my fear of being alone.

Failures

2011-08-22T21:39:00.005-04:00

Recently my travels took me to Boise, ID. During my travels I laid over in Chicago between two lay overs for about four hours. While I was there, in our terminal there was a brachiosaurus skeleton on display with a museum store next to it. While shopping the store I was looking at a new Native goods and then there was an ornament of a tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, very cute so I purchased it.

I've always been fascinated by dinosaurs and have always been fond of sauropods. It's amusing, ever since being a child I've always been fond of tall things, dinosaurs and my men.

Well ever since I was a little child I wanted to be a paleontologist however as I grew older I never took the steps to grow into that field. However my interest has never drifted. Within the last several years during an art festival my mother purchased for me a large wall piece of a tyrannosaurus skeleton, sculpted in steel. A few years later the show Walking With Dinosaurs came to Buffalo, a series that I have seen on TV and an amazing live show where a paleontologist walks you through the different eras with large, life size mechanical dinosaurs coming out in display.

Well in recent light of everything I've come to my breaking point. Tonight while sitting on the porch on what was an attempted departure to obtain food I just sat and took in the night world of my neighborhood. The cars looking for parking, the crickets singing in the night, the couples walking their dog....and there sitting on the stoop it cracked. I wanted to cry.

I am unfairly vicious, I am unfairly cruel. One thing more then anything else I seek to be vulnerable to someone. I want someone to be open and honest with, to share my heart with and to be told "everything is going to be alright". It's not that I don't know everything will be alright, I always seem to manage, always make it happen. But I've come to a point where with no close family connections, no best friend, no other I am alone in my thoughts, ideas and fears.

For all this desire, this want and need to be connected to another person the moment something comes to head I usually lash out. Defenses of all manners come to surface and I shut down. In this retreat I often feel that the attempt won't be worth it, the other person isn't really that interested in it and are just acting out their role and trying to appease me. I also feel that in my release I will be too intense and frame myself in a negative frame.

Is that not a negative frame it self? Who am I to judge my friend's intention, how loyal am I if I am questioning their actions? Am I not a bad friend myself in that respect?

Have I failed in all aspects of life? I am not living as who I feel I am, I am not in a career of any actual interest, I live check to check (like most Americans), I can't connect to family, friends and I can't date. So what am I good at?

I'm good at being a tease, a desire, I'm good at being malicious, ruthless to get what practical means. I'm a whore trying to live the life of a princess.

I'm a person living out of rank I should say, we like to think we live in a world without classes or caste but we do. Racial, socioeconomic, it's all there. Types and breeds of people, unspoken of but still acted out by all on a daily basis. This is what people from shopping at certain stores, going to certain places and trying to resolve certain matters. This is why married men and "straight acting" are on gay cruising sites because of socitial divides.

When does the failure stop and when do I succeed?

Raging Waters

2011-08-11T08:04:00.008-04:00

"But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?"

~ Pocahontas

All these weeks, all this time is leading up to my break away. I've been seeking a washing, a baptismal, a surge of some force washing away my life and the things that lay strewn upon my shore.

So what do I do? Am I suppose to move on? Is this a physical, mental, emotional wave that I'm expecting? Do I get up and leave all behind like a shore rushing back into the ocean? Is that just abandoning myself and the situation all together?

Have I already abandoned myself? I recently purchased the documentary Two Spirit, a Native term I've heard before and have been described as before. The majority of the film is based upon the brutal slaying of a two spirited person in a small town with explanations and statements about the Native beliefs of two spirited people. Two Spirit, per wikipedia means

"The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women."

Am I so lost because I am not truly accepting who I am? I've discussed myself amongst certain friends however I am not living it and maybe my spirit(s) are suffering? Just because I am discussing it does not mean that I have come to embrace it either. In one respect I must be weak, I know others that have come to terms with themselves and yet here I remain unable to do so.

I spent a part of my morning with my mother, what use to be frequent trips to the farmer's market has become sparse because I am usually on the road. However today's little journey enforced one major reason I contain myself while living here in Buffalo, my family.

I've written before about how minimal and sometimes uncomfortable our family events can be. For the most part I feel like an outside and have attributed that to being much younger than my siblings and of course my unspoken lifestyle. I am truly at a different place in my life then they are. My siblings for the most part are in committed relationships with children that have begun graduating high school. One of my nieces has even begun a family of her own.

In reality I'm left standing at the edge of the waters, their forces crashing upon the ridge before me. It comes to a matter of my choice. As I approach the age of thirty I am not getting any younger and after the age of eighteen you should really not live your life by the rules of any other.

So what do I do? How do I remove the fear, the worry to take the leap and let the waters of life, the waters of change wash upon me? How do I find self love and acceptance of my situation? How do I take on that change? I've had enough judgement from my family, enough harsh words and criticism. But how could I expect to achieve true happiness, true life, true fulfillment without having to go through any struggles to achieve them. The African Americans fought, rallied, stood up for their lives and equality and faced many harsh attacks and still do and in this current day the LGBT community faces discrimination as we seek equality in various ways. The most unique thing about this struggle is that it impacts all genders, all races. This is a struggle in an ideological sense, a struggle that all people have faced at one time or another and have achieved varied results in.

In this writing I haven't become any clearer on what I must do. I've only written what is happening in my life and where I currently am in it. Maybe a need to be more open with both family and friends, to discuss this journey that I must take. To change my life in every format that I've known and worked in for the last twenty nine years and that is truly scary. To seperate one's self from the world that they've know is an incredibable measure of strenght, a measure to which I have not prepared myself to take. In all of my work, throughout my journey I have not taken the steps I've needed to prepare myself for this and so I know what I must do just not how to do it.

Two Spirit is an amazing documentary that aired on PBS via Independent Lens. Below I've included both the trailer from the film and a link to the film's page. After seeing it's original airing on my local PBS (WNED) station I've gone ahead and purchase the program. This is a valuable education tool for the native communities as well as the LGBT. If you are not wanting to purchase this film please visit Netflix, or any other rental place and watch this documentary. It will bring elightenment to you and your loved ones.

You may purchase this film at Two Spirits.

Homtel Life

2011-07-22T21:42:00.007-04:00

(this blog has been written in parts over the series of a month and half)

So I have spent every week since July fourth in a different hotel in a differnt state, in a different part of the country.
I'm currently in Orlando, FL staying at the luxurious Peabody Hotel, a hotel that defines luxery and relaxation. If staying in Orlando ever again, I will be staying here.

If you follow/friend me on Foursquare you will see all my travel, all the airports, the hotels, the coffee shops, etc that I visit.

For all the glorious traveling that I do, or as it appears people don't think about having to get up 3-4 hours prior to the flight to ensure proper arrival time at the airport. People don't think about the airport food, which isn't always good or healthy. People don't think about the running from one gate to the next, carrying a laptop top, other items trying to make your next flight. Nobody thinks of just the travel hassel they encounter on their casual trips, nobody thinks I encounter that every week, twice a week.

You also become very disconnected. You don't see family and friends, you miss weddings and graduations. You miss being around or hanging with friends and in some instances find it hard to reconnect with some and find it easier to connect with others. When sitting in a distant city I don't get phone calls from my friends or family to see how I am, what I've done and any other small conversation that could be had.

To recap the month of July, I started the month in Providence, RI then after a two days in Buffalo I moved onto Stamford, CT after Stamford I returned to Buffalo for two and moved onto Orlando, FL where I returned to Buffalo for less then twenty four hours to turn over and move onto Woodbridge, VA.

Since returning to Buffalo I am "grounded" for two weeks and am able to see my friends, attend whatever events ahve come up and was even able to get out to Thunder Moutain for a little grounding and an adjustment.

All of this traveling is not only tiring, psychologically and physically draining it has taken me off course further then I expected. My physical well being has been interupted by being unable to work with my personal trainer on a regular basis, my diet has been blown apart by eating out, getting foods to go and rich catering and my mind has now become a jumble of thoughts. My dreams obsess about work, flying, zombies and random counters with a crush.

By the end of each trip I want to go home but I want to leave almost as quickly. If that is the case then what is home? If home is "where the heart is" and I don't hold my heart to home city or my apartment where am I to go and do I have to go there alone?

Some of the self work experianced yesterday just on the drive to the Summer Gathering is that I need to work on self love and understanding. I need to allow myself to experiance love from myself and others to have a fulfilled life. As RuPaul says "If you can't love yourself how the HELL you gonna love somebody else?".

I should attempt to find home in myself before looking for it in other places or people.

Snow Flower and The Secret Fan

2011-07-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

n/a

Check Out Something From The Night by Britty!

2011-07-01T20:32:00.001-04:00

Dark Side of the Moon

2011-06-26T20:42:00.009-04:00

"Love? I do not understand, your answer is unacceptable." ~ Dark Phoenix

oh one of my most favorite lines by the Dark Phoenix and something I know a little about. I do not understand love however I yearn and hunger for it. I've had a few reminders these last few days about family love. My mother belittled me and then lightly attempted to sweep that blow away with a different topic and my brother and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nephew/godson's high school graduation.

I as usual held these events against myself, I've lived a life full of conditional love brought to me by my parents and I hold myself accountable for the absence in my nephew and nieces' lives. I chose to attend an out of state college in their developing years and returned home to find that their lives moved on, while I attempted to pick up where I left off.

It's been a bad emotional few days. I've swung from upset to anger to dark anger. I've become lost in the emotional stream, unsure of my footing and highly unaware of my next step. In these wondering, edging on the side of dark anger a part of me longs to lash out in physical violence, break something, smash something, hit something and then my senses come. In these wonderings, edging on the side of dark anger a part of me wants to lash out and make others feel as I do, eliminate their joy and I hold back those urges. However I do lash out at myself to make myself feel worse.

I am distressed and have gone into emergency/evacuation mode. What can I do, where can I go, what can be done to turn myself around? I want to fight, I want to flee, I want to escape and I want to destroy.

My emotions are in flux and I'm trapped.

I'm trapped within myself, caged within my existence and unable to escape it. I've lost control and with that control I have lost myself. I can only hope that a new dawn, a new day will come for me with new clarity.

2011-06-26T13:06:00.001-04:00

I am utterly alone, in everything.

Marriage Equality in New York!

2011-06-22T11:33:00.001-04:00

FRIENDS WHO LIVE IN BUFFALO/GRAND IS./NIAG.FALLS: Sen. Grisanti's office is taking a final tally of votes TODAY- his aide told me the calls today are mostly AGAINST the marriage equality act and 50/50 overall. He wants constituents to call today if they support it. IF YOU ARE A CONSTITUENT PLEASE CALL HIM RIGHT NOW! 854-8705

Gotta Move

2011-06-20T15:35:00.010-04:00

Last October I took a job that required 80% travel, since then the role has turned into 90-95% travel. Before that time period I've left Buffalo only once since returning home in 2003.

Being shipped off around the country like cattle puts things into a certain perspective. It's the big bad machine in control of your life to a whole new degree. You miss family, you miss friends, you miss events because you have to be somewhere else.

So what does this mean for me? I'm miserable in this role, the travel has become excessive, and I've lost my eloquence. My coworkers are not at the intellectual level that I once was at. I'm not saying I'm a genius but I could hold an intelligent conversation. I've been "hoodied". My new favorite sayings are "Oh you a (fill in the blank) HUH?", "what it do?" and "who it be?".

This job also puts relationships into perspective. A lot of coworkers date or sleep with coworkers, most people at home with family are weeded out early because of kids. People who don't put their relationships before their work lose them.

At one point in time I believed in The Secret and believed and practiced the Message of Water by Dr Masaru Emoto who is a man I have seen present live and met briefly. I listened to the Mother Planet, worked to aid her health. I felt one with the world, the universe. The sight of an animal was a word of wisdom, advice traveled on a breeze.

But that is gone or is it. A breeze came over me just the other day, with a whisper ever so quiet...it's time to change. What is life other then a constant struggle, a constant change that we humans fight against. Fear of the unknown is great and in our evolved form we work strongly against that natural force.

I have become complacent in my life in Buffalo and although I have met many people along the way, over all I have only digressed into a life and person that I was before I had left Buffalo. I've become bound by a steel-jaw leg hold trap set by my parents to live in the misery they have filled their lives with. I have friends that have seem to become complacent with their lives in this city.

I have friends that no longer make me become a better person that I am today. They do not seek to challenge me, force me to grow and develop. I'm not saying that you should end all friendships because they don't make you develop but are they holding me back? Or is it even worse, am I going through a de-evolution?

Go with your gut, listen to your heart, you will understand....that's right Grandmother Willow we should all be listening to you.

It's time, it's time for things to happen......

"I want magic carpets, I want true romance
I want moonlight cruises to the South of France
And I want kisses that go on for days
I want more than this is in so many ways
I want more full-filling
I want equal billing
I want champagne chilling at the door
So, in short, I'm saying if you want me
I want more!"

2011-06-16T20:21:00.001-04:00

POW POW POW little piggies, ANGRY BIRDS!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-14T19:54:00.001-04:00

Cocktailing with the kidds!!!!!