memoirs of a lover:

a little weed and three siblings (part one)-COMPRESSED VERSION

2012-01-06T20:28:00.000+01:00

Sitting here in this class waiting for my very first masters lecture, a girl walked past my table and knocked off my blackberry phone from the table and she bent to pick up the phone only to raise her face looking starstruck, turned out it was her nude picture that was the wallpaper on my phone. She asked quietly how I got the picture and outta the initial annoyance of her attempting to break one of my most prized assets replied with “how the fuck does that concern you?!” and at that moment it struck me and pulled her outta the class towards my car and without resisting she got into the car with me and watched silently as I drove off to a quiet location on campus.

“was that you?” I asked eagerly like I didn’t know the answer, that meant she was the girl I picked up from the club four years ago in my undergraduate years when I was still a young and wild student and it happened she was one of the few to actually matched my “wildness”. Let’s take a detour into my past.

I was high on weed that night and it was a Wednesday night, restless and hungry, I did head out to the nearest restaurant to the house in anticipation to fill my belly then head home to sleep only to notice the company of three girls dressed like they were going for a party and the youngest of them caught my eye and attention. they introduced themselves as tolu, Tomi and Temitope. Tomi and temi are sisters and tolu being their cousin. Temitope was the youngest and was nicknamed tush because she has high taste for fashion and at that point had just finished high school.

So I offered to buy them a meal so as to listen more to their ordeals and this lead to three different stories which I named Temitope the tush, Tomi the Barbie and tolu the damsel

Tolu the damsel

Tolu is a dark skinned, pink lipped, tinted haired damsel. She schooled abroad far away in Malaysia as a physiotherapist and hopefully wants to be a physio for a top England football club. She’s the eldest of the crew and can easily convince the girls. She is also very independent and has her own money from trading on local fabrics abroad and latest designer wears here in Nigeria. She has a boutique in the high end Lagos. She was the first to notice the stench of marijuana on me and asked where she could get some and after few attempt at denying it, I told her she should follow me home, she said she heard it was a ladies free night at a club in town and they intend to dance that night. I told them they should wait for me while I try to find a cab and made me look like a fool when they drove up beside me in a lemon colored Volkswagen bug. After all I wasn’t pretending to be some rich kid but at the same time it stunned me because I already bought them a meal. Tolu stepped outta the car and asked me to drive to my house, looked like something outta a Hollywood movie and after very small persuasion I got in the car and headed to my room. Thank heavens for the streetlights I used to count every time I was going home from the restaurant which totaled 31 just in front of my house because that night I was too high to drive sane and asked the girls to count the streetlights as we drove past to let me know where id stop. They found it fun while I thought these girls chose to insure their life with the wrong broker and just then they yelled “thirty-one” I slammed the brakes so hard that I feared tolu would burst outta the windscreen, just when I turned to apologize, tolu held my face like she wanted to clean a smudge off it and kissed me so deeply that at that moment it cleared my arteries of marijuana and the feeling came back just when she stopped and started laughing and turned to her siblings who were also laughing to collect some money which I found out was a bet and just then I slowly drove the car into the compound and turned off the engine. Just then I gave tolu a hard long stare and came out of the car pretending to be pissed and she quickly followed suit to apologize and surprisingly making no excuses and was quick to say sorry. I just pulled her inside as her siblings followed suit and went into my humble apartment and they felt familiar almost immediately going through my wardrobe, shoes, pictures etc

Tolu and I snuck out to the backyard to smoke some weed and have a lovely chat, we found a spot under the tree and sat on the tendered grass and she feared the existence of snakes around and I assured her there was none. She picked up the weed and started separating the seeds and stems and attempted to mold up a joint and then I stepped up to that challenge and carefully rolled a fat joint and she offered to light it up....now that's teamwork!

A first we took turn to smoke the joint and moments later, I was drawing the smoke off her mouth and blowing it on her nipple while she let out very high moans that I was scared my newly wedded neighbors might hear. And somehow we found ourselves naked on the grass still smoking until the joint fell to its last ashes and we were with very few options as to what to do and just then she grabbed the shaft of my penis with those warm hands of hers she made magic. She handled it like she wasn’t going to let go and as the lips was attempting to share, the hands still held on and it seemed like a tug-of-war between both of them, it was either the weed was kicking making me imagine it like that or it was so good and I was lost in thoughts and just then she whispered gently into my ears “its your turn, tough guy!”

Without hesitation, I was down there fumbling with her tight jeans and she kept laughing as my misery and after few attempt I was teasingly lowering her cotton panties only to notice her clean shaven orifice dripping cum juice and next I knew, my face was covered in it, licking it like ice cream drawing circles around the clitoris which surprisingly was bigger that any I have seen and this time she gave a very loud moan and I did not care if anyone heard it this time, I kept at it and just then she lifted my face and I knew it was that time and then we both realized I had no condom close by and she gave me the “what the hell?” look and I returned with a “sure, why not?” look and slowly I lowered my crane inside her and her nails dug deeper into my back and slowly easing the strokes deeper within the depth of her vagina and next I knew it I was riding so fast and the weed was sure helping and just then she asked to be flipped over and I tried to do it without getting out of her warm orifice and we both fell flat on the floor and laughed it off and next we know it we were at it, on all fours ramming her from behind, she kept on screaming and I stood her up and told her to grab hold the tree and just then I noticed her legs were shaking and at that point it dint matter much as I drove deeper while bridging my hands on her waist and watching my hips hitting her big bum and just then she screamed.

I was scared as she fell back on the floor only to realize my prowess has prevailed yet again and she was laying on the floor breathing heavily and she asked me if I did cum and I explained to her “that's what the weed does you know?” and she shrugged and replied “I'm not this lazy you know?” and I complimented her for her efforts and just then we took turns in dressing each other and when we got inside, I saw Tomi and Temitope watching my porn collection, did I leave my laptop unlocked? Just maybe I did and I felt kinda embarrassed as they kept on chuckling.

“why are u guys sweating?” asked Tomi and just then my head blanked out of lies and she came close sniffing like a police dog and yelled to Temitope “they have been smoking pot” and I was relieved and then she asked if I was ready to take them to that club as promised and just then I grabbed my Nike kicks and a jacket and told them id meet them by the car while I put off my appliances and locked the door and I noticed tolu was still numb.....right then, I was the only person that knew the reason why

tha REV is bigger and better!!!

2012-01-05T21:36:00.001+01:00

the new tha REV website is now online....pls endeavour to visit it at www.tharev.wordpress.com you wont be disappointed

Tha Rev speaks about love #8: the eclipse

2012-01-03T20:50:00.002+01:00

But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future. When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it, you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you're in love with the idea of being in love. It is very hard to see the difference through logical thinking.

Tha Rev speaks about love #7: the difference

2012-01-03T20:38:00.001+01:00

Every day everywhere, people fall in love ... but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love? I know hundreds of friends who say the magical words "I love you"... but more often than not, the truth is just -- I am IN love with you(or in most cases, I wanna have sex with you). There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love with you because of the present you. This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts. When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship...where both were only IN love with each other.

Tha Rev speaks about love #6: antiques

2012-01-03T18:53:00.000+01:00

The power of true love to a person is undeniable. A relationship needs commitments too. What is love without commitments from each other anyway? It's like principles and values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them. The same goes for our commitments to relationships, and the person we love. "Love is like an antique vase. It's hard to find, hard to get, but easy to break."

Tha Rev speaks about love #5: sheilds

2011-12-13T16:25:00.001+01:00

Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed. Respect him/her for who he/she is, and not what you want him/her to be. Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way. No one is perfect. It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other. True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is. It is also true love which makes a person change for the better.

Tha Rev speaks about love: #4-pseudo-clairvoyance

2011-12-13T16:10:00.002+01:00

Loving someone takes efforts. We have to be able to communicate with each other. Nobody can read anyone else's mind. We always presume that our partner knows what we think and feel(except you have a benin girl for a girlfriend, that entirely not true). Maybe in time we might be able to predict or sense each other's thoughts but it's never perfect and takes time to develop.

Tha Rev speaks about love: #3-finder keepers(find her, keep her)

2011-12-12T20:29:00.001+01:00

Sharing love is probably the most valuable and meaningful experience a person can ever have. And there's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone. It's the difference between a love that's fickle, wild and short-lived (actually that’s called lust) and one that's tender and passionate, nurturing and lasts a long time. The first is easy. The second, the one that really matters to all of us, takes work -- because it's about keeping a relationship.

Tha Rev speaks about love: #2-be ready

2011-12-12T20:25:00.000+01:00

Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time. That's the reward and that's the risk. Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it's like to love and be loved.

Tha Rev speaks about love: #1-how to know!!

2011-12-12T20:13:00.000+01:00

A good relationship isn't a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love and two people. Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too. When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.

what should i do?

2011-12-06T22:35:00.001+01:00

I have loved before.... (Or so do I think), in the brink of this thought, she came in....

"Hey guys! You can’t believe what happened to me today, I met bolu...you know?!The guy from the farm day...huh?!"

...I gave her this still look; she had no idea of what was going on in my mind...

"Guys now? ...don’t act like you don’t know...anyways I met him again on my way to the city centre, he asked me to hop in ...”

There were lots of blah blahs till I caught the part that really stuck me...

"I think I like him already...”

WHAT?!!! But this is the second time you are talking to him..? then I realized I was the only person in the room with that thought, the other girls were busy interrogating her on his appearance...”this guy is a douche”, but no one was listening, you know times you try to raise a point and it seemed the world cares less of what you think? I think that just happened to me (did I hear you say a duh?!). This was my supposed best friend and she had no idea that I was falling in love with her.

"Lamide..." I said, "...why him? What do you know about him and moreover he aint your type and definitely as good-looking as you proclaim him"

At this point I knew I had become enemy of the state, you needed to see the looks borne on their faces like cannibals waiting to deflesh their catch (probably worse!).

"Oh! You are the fine boy huh?","who is deceiving you gan", "not like you'd date anyone of us anyways"

....ok that part really struck me, I had been portrayed as a player, fine girl poacher, high classed seeker of the high classed damsels e.t.c and little did they know that I had quit being all that just a day before, I dint bother telling them (like they would believe me anyways) and wasn’t ready to express my heartfelt echoes to lamide.

lamide is a dark skinned(when I mean darkskinned,i really do mean it) damsel with an elaborate smile, she is a gem waiting for the right miner to discover her, she is from a rich home, travels to Maryland in the USA for breaks (I’m her best friend...so I know the specifics) and owns a solara (but she'd never bring it to school unless I have to drive her, dunno why she doesn’t want to be portrayed as rich...who doesn’t?!) but she had an itch...she's very vulnerable especially to fairytale princes with silk hair and sword wielding arms and a conversation to go, I try to ward off potential threats to her fragile heart but she believes I’m edging her from her true love and we fight a lot because of that and I promised her independence in choosing who or not to date knowing fully my shoulders would be soaked again someday and I’d need to dispose used tissues again, but if her freedom to get hurt will save our friendship, so be it..But this time I’d have to risk our friendship for a greater goal, LOVE!!!

I am scared of asking lamide out for reasons so numerous; first she would think I’m trying to make her my rebound girl (and that I think...know will be a bad thing), secondly she'd think I’m trying to make a mock out of her (cos times without number we have joked about our compatibility issues), thirdly we know too much about each other’s past relations and relationships, it might later play the Achilles' heel in our supposed soon to be relationship

At this juncture (or junction...lol...dunno which is correct), I leave the play to your comments with the big question WHAT SHOULD I DO?

AN ODE TO MISS X: ALL I HAVE

2011-12-06T22:33:00.001+01:00

AN ODE TO MISS X: ALL I HAVE

She’s black, beautiful and brilliant

She’s babyish, lovely and elegant

She’s a stainless plate in a summer sun, very radiant

She’s MISS X, my heart’s occupant

She’s a guru at pissing me off

She’s sometimes repulsive (like a hammattan cough)

Most times, sorry would do, yet she bluffs

Sometimes, all she needs is a kiss to end arguments, but sorry is too much

I gave her a bible, she hid away her Quran

Forgot to call me on my birthday, couldn’t do same to Ramadan

I get pissed off, I keep quiet, and that’s how it always began

I feel I couldn’t get close to her heart, even if I ran

Stupid it may seem, because we are already dating

Saying “I love you” every second, even when mating

With her, getting an all day smile is as expensive as a Da Vinci’s painting

You might want to ask why I’m still waiting

Don't know why, maybe it’s because I love her

Or because she’s the best choice I have

Or because she would always give me reasons to laugh

After all she’s all I wanted and now all I have

My last hours: the diary of a suicide bomber

2011-12-06T22:31:00.001+01:00

Location: UN building, Abuja, Nigeria

I said a little prayer after I got into the car, a Honda accord I have dreamed of my whole life handed to me free of charge, only this time I had to blow myself along with the car. i had just called my wife and two kids reminding them it’s Allah’s wish for me to bring down the infidels who had torn down our country with western civilization.i made a long stare at the button meant for the emergency lights which has been rewired to trigger the bomb with a five second delay, enough time to say my final prayers. so I started driving from the suburbs of Abuja(very close to nassarawa state) where I have been camped since the beginning of Ramadan, with teachings about the prophet, jihads and harams. few months back one of our brothers has successfully completed his missions at the force headquarters and I was to perfect the deed and open the eyes of the world to our cause.

The security checks had reduced over the weeks since they beefed it up after the first bombing. i had been caught in this traffic jam for over 45minutes now, I surely knew I would get to the UN building just in time. i am supposed to detonate the bomb at exactly 10:26am(10 for the number of letters in “book haram” including the spaces in between and 26 for “western education is a sin”).i got in front of the Lebanese embassy very close to the UN building around 10am and took time to remember the trainings,the beatings,the lectures,the money paid to my family and the virgins waiting for me and I took one deep breath and proceeded into the compound.

There were extra checks,they wont just hand me a tally and ask me to proceed.even if they had asked me to open the boot,they wouldn’t have found anything because the explosives were sewn into the backseat and the wires carefully placed under the footmat but I cant afford to take that risk so I reversed and and aligned myself to the exit gate and a smile came to my face as I noticed loads of cars that belonged to the staffs were parked inside,this explosion will be talked about for a very long time.

I grabbed my rosary and place my quran on the dashboard and checked the time for the last time and it was 10:25am, I accelerated and ran down the exit gates and aimed for the reception.as I hit the door leading to the reception,I said my last prayer and hit the botton and I knew I had completed my mission and my rewards are coming soon

Lust in the city of red roofs: invasion

2011-12-06T22:29:00.001+01:00

For every alien or foreign body in an attempt to survive in a new environment, it has to have knowledge of how the host community operates and work. It either attempts to adapt or change the environment to suits itself, having studied all these and with a plan, it attempts an act called INVASION!

Upon my discovery that I was posted to Oyo state for my NYSC, I did a very thorough and extensive research on the state and how I was gonna make sure I end up in Ibadan, this was my driving force as I invaded the NYSC camp in Iseyin, knew I had to put up a good show to deserve the applaud that lands me the lusty city of red roofs, so I dumped the classroom and headed straight to the lab with an intent to prove(and hopefully not)my theories. So I put on the armour of swag, a helmet of intelligence, breastplate of skill and a backpack of condoms(safe than sorry) as I stepped into the Oyo and the first sign I saw on the gate was “if you have found my bag pls call mike on xxxxx” and I knew I was in for it, I stepped back from the line and went to buy a padlock straightaway and I decided to step into the orientation camp and also into my destiny, we were checked in by the police for weapons and illegal stuffs and I felt like I’ve been sent to prison(seriously why would anyone carry a weapon?

when it got to my turn, the police officer turned out to be a fine lady (trust me, she’s fine!....damn!), we did exchange pleasantries and allowed her do her thing and moved on with rest of my registration knowing I’d get back to her later, jumped a few queues, met friends(old and new) and got into a 52-man room filled with crazy OOU?OSU boys(Olabisi Onabanjo University) and other insane guys that woulda passed as OSU guys(as popularly called) and after settling down, I decided to pay the police officer a visit again and I stopped by to buy a drink for her at the popular mami market and offered it to her and sat with her as she checked in other corpers and took time to notice my soon to be friends and foes and couldn’t help to notice so many of my schoolmates posted to Oyo state.

From then on, time moved on so fast with the same routine daily! I had started putting my plans to work, I joined the man-o-war, contested in Mr macho, carried the national colours during march pasts and so many other effort to ensure I was noticed, I thought all hope had failed until the fine policewoman walked up to me to ask where I wanted to be posted, a question she answered herself almost immediately. But where I wanted to work shocked her still, she had just given me a blank cheque to chose any bank, ministry, parastatal or company to work with and I told her I wanted a public school in the heart of Ibadan and she left with a chuckle promising me her slot and reassuring me that it’s done, just what I wanted to hear.

All I had to do was wait for results, the timing of the results were perfect. As I walked through that hall, I saw some crying and being consoled by friends, some leaping for joy, some asking for directions, some calling their families to break the news and few like me waiting with anticipation for the best and when I was given my posting letter, it was a perfect landing with my beam shone on Ibadan. Just outside that hall, I knew a successful invasion ends with a touchdown. “How am I supposed to get to Ibadan from here?” I asked myself, right there in front of me with an unmistakable Ibadan accent was a driver calling out Iwo road....just where I needed to be

Till you read from me again, enjoy life!!!

LUST IN THE CITY OF RED ROOF: the forward

2011-12-06T22:25:00.001+01:00

When posted to Oyo state for your NYSC, you wish is to be posted to the largest city in West Africa, the city of red roofs: IBADAN, a city of the perverted, a city where being a celibate deems you sane and where promiscuity denotes normalcy. From the dirty canals and the pot-holed roads comes the finest women the west of Nigeria has to offer dressed in the brightest of colours God has to offer, colours that are a risk to combine and the tightly clad jeans encompassing the very (and I insist...very) heavy behind and like our brothers in America would say “lotta junk in tha trunk”.

Against the stereotype that Ibadan girls are cheap and easy to lay, I found out that was concluded based on the fact that Ibadan people (not just the girls) live for the moment and go for what they want irrespective of the cost or risk involved. They might not be the best project managers but they make the best entrepreneurs. Ibadan people are rich on the extreme and contented on the average, they might not be as “do or die” enterprising as their Lagos counterparts but make do with what they have and has a way of giving back to the society!

You can’t attempt to talk Ibadan and not make remarks to their loud mouth, from the small boys I see running in panties around my house yelling “iya baba e” to the students I teach in class saying “corper fiyen le, mawo oju e....ooloogun gan o”(corper, leave it be, don’t interrogate.....he’s fetish) to the bike man cursing everybody on the way to the park touts popularly coined “agbero” taunting themselves all day (and they would never fight, but at the tones of their voice, you’d think they would devour each other) to the women at gbagi market (who are either making passes at you cos you are a handsome young man or cursing you for negotiations) to the pot bellied men at bars in company of a much younger girl making promises and yelling how much they made that day or how much they bought their latest cars or how much tuition in their sons’ private university has soared in recent years.

In the one year I used, I became a celibate, alcohol addict, a playboy, a better lover, a DJ, a project manager, salesman, teacher, poet, and so many things I dare not try to describe. I learnt from my friends in Ibadan that “Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.”a lot can happen when you have a little alcohol in the system and to make it more fun, most people around you are just as alcohol imbibed as you are. Even girls offer you drinks as a gesture of good faith (faith that you’d make them a happier person) and a party in Ibadan is like a beer fest, unlike lagosians that opt out for spirits and beers like star lager beer, Ibadan has a thing for beers I never knew existed till I got to Ibadan(turns out their ex governor was also a fan), beers like “33”, “trophy”, “wilfort”, “kronenburg”, “satzenbraun” became names I quickly reckoned with as they were always out of the regular brands I was used to

After I suffered a severe heartbreak, I thought I would never get on my feet again, it turns out in Ibadan, I never needed my legs because I was taught to fly and soar in heights never imagines before, out of these heights I have a lot of memoirs worth sharing, lots of tales worth telling, lots of pictures worth showing and lots of gals worth...

my cougar,her cubs and i: hell yea!!! (part 4)

2010-09-03T10:53:00.000+01:00

I have a secret I want to share with you....NO PLS, NOT ANY MORE SECRETS!!!
It’s been quite a while since I last updated u guys about my memoirs as a gigolo this is partly because I have to serve this very country of ours and partly because somehow I decided to end my series of fortunate events because of the eventual turn of events, I have dedicated my time to new writings which I titled “memoirs of a playboy corper”
Teni came in early around 10:48am and I immediately knew that was impatient Teni waiting in line to get my rammifier (I’m sure I’m not the only one that names his dick) and I went to the gate to open it and there she was, ravishing (and somewhat revealing) as always with nylon bags on both hands and she laughed at my belly and said
“I thought you work out?”
That’s what graduation does to you and is that your way of saying hi?! You should be punished” I said
“I’ve been a bad girl daddy, punish me and spare not the rod, yet spoil me”
And she jumped to hug me and I have a surprise for you and before then I have a secret I want to share with you....NO PLS, NOT ANY MORE SECRETS!!! I thought I said it in my mind now knowing my mouth had spilled a little and she asked
“Has temi told you?...that silly girl!...I knew it, she just couldn’t keep her mouth running and couldn’t keep her eyes off u...oh I.....”
I quickly stopped her “nooo, she said nothing, it’s just am finding it hard to keep up with my demons and secrets that threatens to shake my existence and family real hard but I guess u won’t understand...by the way..really? Temi’s tripping? Who could have thought that?!”
“..oops I guess I just blew it, pls don’t tell her pls?!”
I planted a kiss on her and reassured her that her slip-offs are safe with me as I escorted her to my apartment and asked her what the real secrets are and after few shy moves and persuasion she said “this is my first time!”
Really? Are you kidding me? That’s the secret? Thank God! “Don’t worry, I’d go gentle on you” I said after a very long pause as I went down to slowly undress her to reveal her red underwear (which she told me were Victoria’s secrets) and a tattoo of a butterfly on her huge bum. She has a very gorgeous body and a cute look to go with it, just then she reached out for one of the nylon bags and brought out a porn DVD and flavoured condoms. I told her we need no porn cos we’ll invent our very own styles and we have almost the whole day to ourselves, I eased off her panties to expose her clean shaven haven dripping with juice as she was literally melting with every touch, I reached into the bedside fridge with one hand to break off a chunk of ice and rubbed it on her extremely hard clitoris and that got her screaming as she came squirting on my face, that was my very first squirt and an impressive one too. She felt very embarrassed about the squirt and I took time out to explain the normality of the process and just when she felt confident, I flipped her over and rammed her gently from behind, quite tightly at first but soon eased up to allow the whole content of my manhood, just as I was enjoying my ride I heard a loud moan and I knew Jericho has fallen, she turned and held on to me tightly as a baby monkey would, she let em tears flow gently on her cheeks lighting up her face, is soon got over the moment and asked her if she was ready for some real fun and with her tear stained voice she moaned a yes and I showed her who’s boss and afterwards we ate lunch, took some painkillers and headed out in the “Altima” to drop her off to the nearest place she can get a cab home, she got out and leaned over the windows to thank me and she said
“can’t thank you enough, this is the exact way I pictured my first time; affectionate and wild only I pictured my boyfriend as the guy, I did leave you a little something under the pillow and I hope this doesn’t end” and then blew me a kiss, as I drove home, I thought to myself “is this the life I wanted as a gigolo?”....and the only answer I could give myself was HELL YEA!!!

my cougar,her cubs and i:secrets and secreations (part 3)

2010-06-08T23:33:00.000+01:00

I woke up before her and as I tried to slip away quietly she said “Good morning sweet” and I decided not to reply her as I went to the bathroom to ease myself of the morning hard-ons and on getting back she was fully dressed and was ready to leave, I asked her where she was going to, and she replied “I have to go now before your folks wake up and I know ur little secret!”, what could she mean? Did she know about my “thingy” with her mum? It was driving me crazy and as I turned to ask her what she meant, she said “I know of you and my sister, she’s coming here today...isn’t she? She tells me everything u know?! And I know you guys are definitely gonna have sex”...I did make a loud sigh of relief and she continued “could you keep what happened today between us? To make sure of that here is my second ATM and the pin is my year of birth...pls don’t tell Teni...promise me!” how much more secrets can I keep? First her mum’s now hers...wow, then I realised I was taking too long to reply her...”I promise and you really don’t have to do this” I said. “Ur apartment needs a little pepping up and we both know u need the cash, just take it...and one more thing?”...”yea” I managed to mumble out “can you repeat this feat anytime I wanna pls?! If u aint with anyone then?”...”what if the anyone was Teni?”...”we are sister, we are used to sharing”...I sincerely hope she was trying to make a joke.
As we stepped out trying to avoid my parent, my dad stepped out and the unimaginable happened! Temi knew my dad (how?! I was to find out very soon). “Temi, what are you doing here? And Qhen what’s all this? So this is how you have been sneaking girls in and out of my house?”...OOPs. it happened that Temi and my dad had had something to do with her and they lost contact when she changed schools...I went numb as temi quickly narrated the story to me and ask me if I had a problem with it, “are you insane? Of course I have a problem with it...I’ve shared the same...”just then my dad pulled temi and I into my room to avoid my mum hearing our conversation...just then, I noticed my phone had just finished ringing and I saw 18 missed calls from Teni and just then she called back
“Hey handsome were still asleep right? I couldn’t sleep and I hope you haven’t forgotten about our appointment”
“No, sweet and can’t wait”...I said trying so hard to act right
“Ok, I’d bring food and I have a little surprise for you”
Little did she know nothing can surprise me no more, not today and we ended the brief conversation and I noticed my dad arguing quietly with temi and I was looking on the bright side, this is an open cheque that will change my life forever, Mrs. Y, temi and my dad would pay a fortune to keep their secrets and I stepped into their argument and told temi that I’ll handle it from here and that its time for her to go, she made me reassure her five times that I meant it before she left, I saw her off to the nearest place she can get a straight cab home and when she left I decided to check her account balance and wow, was I surprised. She had 107,256.65 naira (and yes why wont I remember the exact amount?), I withdrew six thousand naira to get a haircut and some expensive condoms (never knew condoms come that expensive, who buys that shit?!) and some air freshener for my room.
As I got into a bus home (never shy of em buses, cabs are expensive...at least compared to a bus!), Mrs Y called me to ask if I had seen the credit, I told her I noticed a text came in earlier but I had not read it and I said thank you in anticipation’s got home and both parents had gone out and my dad left a note saying
“The main house key is where it always is and Ur mum left your food in the blue cooler and I’m sorry for all that happened this morning and as compensation, I left you some money beside your food and the key to the Nissan altima is on the shelf...my secret should be safe with you. You know I really love my family...blah...blah ...blah”
Altima? Wow! He never lets anyone touch the altima and its all mine(at least for now).I went in to have my bath and with just my towel, I let myself in the main house to get my food and there was the money he left for me and was 20,000naira(I’m asking myself why did it have to start now when I had just 2 months to being sent to some northern state in the name of serving a country that has no intent of serving its populace) and just then I heard the gate banging, checked the time and it was 10:48am and I immediately knew that was impatient Teni waiting in line to get my rammifier(I’m sure I’m not the only one that names his dick) and I went to the gate to open it and there she was, ravishing(and somewhat revealing) as always with nylon bags on both hands and she laughed at my belly and said I thought you work out? ”that’s what graduation does to you and is that your way of saying hi?! You should be punished” I said
“I’ve been a bad girl daddy, punish me and spare not the rod, yet spoil me” and she jumped to hug me and I have a surprise for you and before then I have a secret I want to share with you....NO PLS, NOT ANY MORE SECRETS!!!

my cougar,her cubs and i:the envelope (part 2)

2010-06-08T23:29:00.000+01:00

I was at home that night, thinking of how great the day was and then I remembered the envelope Mrs. Y gave me, as I turned to reach out for my trousers,my phone rang and it turned out to be teni;
“how are you handsome,so are you thinking of me?”
“i am”(i had to lie,was actually thinking of her mum)...”was thinking how soon i can undress,explore and plant my flag on you”
“naughty boy” she said as she chuckled,”i have a boyfriend you know?!”
“you should! Does that disturb anything cos i wo..” she cut me off before i could finish the sentence
“doesn’t matter,how soon can we meet uo before i head for school this weekend...plsssss”
“ok fine, where are you suggesting? my house? yours? where?” i quickly spelled out
“your house,tomorrow, 12pm,u send me the address, i’d bring us what to eat...watchu think about that?”
“that’s fine but....are we gonna..em..u know? So i’d know whether to work out over night”
“a little push up will do...”she said while laughing
“see ya then, i’d BB u the address now...oops u don’t have a blackberry,i’d send you a text then”
“cos of u,i’d buy a BB...nonsense boy,bye jor”
Just then i remembered the envelope,just as i reached for the envelope inside the trousers, my phone rang again,i thought it was Teni again,only to find out it was her mum
“hello ma, was just about to call you but couldn’t find credit anywhere”
“i’m good,i’d send you some credit in the morning ok? Just wanted to thank you for today and this continues safely between us and i hope the money aint too small?”...why do they always say that?not like i can answer it is!
“i haven’t even opened it ma,was just about to when you called, thank you ma. Had fun today”
“no problem dear,don’t worry about calling me,i’d do the calling ok? and pls no texts!...we have to play safe here cos my kids use my phone at anytime,so if you need to reach me,beep me and i’d call you back....take care of yourself and help yourself with some pain relievers and don’t try to act strong cos you need it”...we both laughed and she dropped the line.
This is insane,am i going nuts? Is this realy happening? Then i remembered the envelope and on checking out the contents,it was thirty thousand naira in clean minted thousand naira notes...woow!its like the economic crunch dint hit some people, not like the thirty thousand was a big deal(i hear most of y’all say hell it is!),but after meeting her just today, we had sex and i’m being paid thirty thousand naira? I’d let y’all do the maths, just then my phone rang just again...not who you are all thinking,it was my mum calling me from the other end of the house(i stay at the BQ) that someone was at the gate,so i put aside the money(s) and headed to see who the person was, in this rain?who could it be? As i got outside, i asked who the person was before opening the gate(you cant be too careful in lagos),then i heard a female voice saying “its me temi”
What?! Did i hear her right,as i opened the door to confirm it,there was my worst fear come to pass, there she was, drenched in rain and up in tears, all she could mumble out after parting her rain drenched hair off her face was “pls i need you now,pls don’t turn me away...i cant go home,not now!...can i pass the night here pls?”. Was scratching out solutions outta my head and asked her to come in,head down to the BQ whilst i go make an explanation to my parents about who was at the gate and probably get my food and some female clothings for her(Belinda,i’m sorry i had to borrow some of your clothes). I told my parents,some stranger was lost and i was giving him directions and then wenton to meet her
“what happened? Did you have a fight with your mum?”
“no! I was coming from my boyfriend’s house with whom i was supposed to spend two days and caught him sleeping with someone else and he told me the bitch is his fiancée and sent me out like trash and asked me not to ruin his marriage plans,he called me a spoilt brat and so many other ridiculous names as i strolled out of his house”
“but how did you get where i live? Have you been here before?”
“no, i logged in with teni’s account on facebook to look for your contact details but i did not see anything till i checked your profile on your blogsite and found it”
I quickly added “why me?dont you have any other friends? I’m 22 you know?and i still play by my parent’s rule, i could get in trouble if they knew you were here”
“we don’t have much friends except in school and you are the only person i could think of”
“ok, fine! Get outta those wet clothes and lets eat,guess i’m stuck with you for the night, do u do playstations or you’d facebook on the laptop? There’s not much to do around here!”
“how can i thank you?thank you very much” as she started changing her clothes in front of me,
“hey?! Watchu doing? Am here you know?”
She managed a smile and said “i wish i wasn’t on my period”
I pondered on what that was supposed to mean, it could mean only one thing...might she wanna...?nah?! could it be she’s in...?couldn’t be! What was i thinking? Of course she wont mind having sex with me, its a cold night(who doesn’t need one on nights like this) and just then i asked her
“have you ever had sex on your period?...not like i wann...u get what i mean?”
She shocked me by saying “no, but i’ve always wanted to try that”
Without further ado,i stood up and she came closer and then we kissed so passionately that it went for 15minutes and then kissing down to her neck as she knelt down to lay on the mattress pushing away the playstaion pad and laptop gently to the side.she carefully removed her pad laden pant and blew me out(literally as in woooow and figuratively as in a blow job), she was the best and i could have returned the favour then i remembered she was actually on her period,then i handed over the condom to her to signal its time for real deal,she professionally slipped one of em expensive condoms you save for girls like this(what?! She dint look like a goldcircle girl?!) and she was riding me like a jockey and i was pityiny her poor boyfriend amidst the fun for letting her go and as i came, my dad beeped me,it was time to put off the generator(its lagos, we know now?!). i noticed she still had more in her and i told her to reserve it till i come back and just managed a chuckle as she turned to her side.
Did not know NEPA(who prefers to call them PHCN? Kinda weird huh?!) had brought the light for over thirty minutes and i quickly went to change the switch and on getting back,she was asleep...i stood staring at her, “why would anyone ditch a girl like this”. As i lay beside her i felt something on the bed,it was the envelope...THE ENVELOPE!!!

my cougar,her cubs and i:the beginning (part one)

2010-06-08T23:25:00.000+01:00

I’m sitting in my mum’s shop away from the busy life of Lagos (mind you, we live in the suburbs of Lagos)trying to think what next after graduation, this boredom is killing me like crazy, months now since I dropped the pen after that very last exam and popping champagne and drinking booze all-night trying to believe we’ve graduated(even though we aint seen our result yet) and the thought of NYSC is still months away, does kill me(partially because I think it’s a waste of a year in your life and the suspense of not knowing if you’d be thrown in a crisis torn or technologically deprived village)….amidst this thought my phone rang….the second ring broke my thought and on checking who it was…it was Mrs. Y(name withheld).Mrs. Y is the wife of the ambassador of Nigeria to a Caribbean country(name withheld),she has a very successful chain of boutiques and supermarkets(name withheld) and was in Nigeria most times rather than being with her husband, she has two daughters and a son, both daughters are my age group but still in some private university(name withheld).
Hmnnnn….how did we meet? You might ask; I met her at a famous cinema at yaba (name withheld), I watched her daughter with great interest as she ran off to meet a friend of hers and I had to take lift with her and in the quiet of the lift, I heard a voice say
“You seem to like my daughter huh?!”
Trying to pretend I dint hear her the first time,
I said “’scuse me?”
Then she said “oh! Come off it, it’s not like I dint see you staring at my Teni”,
Then I chuckled “you got me there ma”
…”my name is Mrs. Y and I think I’ll be stuck to you past this elevator, you won’t mind some company would you?”
“Naaah” without thinking twice.
ding the elevator opens and after the “after you” courtesy, I now realized she is a fine woman with a J-lo kinda body, we decided to chat off at one of the eateries while we wait for our movie, I told her a little about myself and she told me a whole lot, she got married at nineteen and now thirty nine with three kids and how she know that her husband fools around with Caribbean girls and how she can’t do anything about it because he’s ten years older. She told me about temi, Teni and timi. I fell in love with her family straight away, we kept on talking and I dint know when it slipped that I’ve always wanted a sugar mummy, she picked up her bag and said;
“You haven’t found one yet, keep searching!”
Dumbfounded and confused I eased myself out of the chair to chase her down the hall, but her daughter and her friends had caught up with her and I could do nothing, I had blown it(or so I thought!). surprisingly her daughter and friends went to see a different movie(some romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston as a reporter who jumped bail and was hunted by her cop ex-husband) and she went to see clash of the titans, I quickly opted for the same movie, though I had seen it twice already…
As I entered the dark movie hall, trying to use the screen light to find my way to my sugar mama(oops I mean soon-to-be),I noticed her in the corner at the top corner sitting alone enjoying her movie and I went to meet her and sat beside her, after twenty minutes I decided to talk since she wouldn’t
“Ok, so I fucked up…..I’m sorry”
She just kept on eating her popcorn and watching her movie
“Ok fine, I’d just go in front of the screen and yell I’m sorry”
She called my bluff and asked me to do it,
“You know I can’t, pls I’m really sorry”
And then something crazy happened, she drew me closer and kissed me…
“I have less than two hours before my kids finish their movie…do u know a place we can be alone together?” she said
Before I could snap outta the kiss, she thought of somewhere and said “let’s go!” We got to the lot downstairs and she threw the key of her Honda element to me and said;
“You drive and I’d navigate”, I told her I wanted to get some condoms at dominos supermarket, she chuckles and asked me to hurry. like superman, I was back at the car in seconds and we were zooming off to a cute guest house in alagomeji and I did the checking in and next we knew it we were staring eachother in the eye inside the loft room; not like we did not know what to do but where to start from. I made a gesture by looking at my wrist and she jumped at me and was kissing me all over and as I begin to undress her I noticed a tattoo of a tiger on her back(she probably had a short but fun filled youth and was cut short by her marriage and pregnancy or I just might be wrong) and I gently worked my way across her body(not minding the time left at first) and we made love three times(twice in the bedroom and once in the bathroom under the shower)and we laid the bed together whilst acknowledging each other’s prowess and was about to leave the room when I noticed she still had her shower cap on and we then checked out.
We got into the car and she opted to drive back and was acting shy, I was about asking her what’s wrong when I got a call from my girlfriend asking me how my day was;
“thrilling, tiring yet satisfying “I said, she probably thought I meant it more figuratively rather literally and had a little chat about her day and she dropped the line and Mrs. Y said I was crazy for telling her and we both laughed as she concluded how stupid females can be when they are in love and can’t see the obvious(sorry ladies….she said so)…she even made a joke by saying if a girl in love sees her boyfriend having sex with her sister, he can still deny it saying it’s her evil twin or it wasn’t him or the sister drugged him and she’d believe him.
We got back just in time for the credits and she introduced me to her daughter as a new friend and Teni immediately loved me but somehow temi and I never got along fine. Teni loved my sense of humour, my looks and the fact I had finished school still very young and temi didn’t believe any of those(or so I thought at first)…I told them I had to leave early because the holdup I was to face on my way home and asked me where I was headed and surprisingly, we stayed not so far from eachother(who would have thought someone of their status would live in the suburbs…probably cos of the calm) and she asked me to hop in. I sat between temi and Teni and I made sure temi liked something about me; she ended up appreciating my writing skills when I showed her some of my write up on my blogsite.
Teni kept complaining I was shifting the attention to temi and I was forced to turn to her as she was showing me pictures and that of her friends on facebook via her nokia N97 (some crazy ass phone that has 32gigabyte…who need that?!) and she checked mine as well and noticed my status that says “complicated” and she kept on questioning it and I asked her jokingly if she would love to fill the space, instead of saying no like most girls would, she asked what it will take her to fill it and jokingly I replied
“Kiss me here and we are on”
And she did lean over in an attempt to do so when I stopped her and whispered to her ears, we’d do it where we can get our clothes off after and she simply chuckled and nodded yes…..I thought to myself, just in case this is not a dream, I just might have a shot at all three of them and temi broke my thoughts by whispering to my other ear that she’s on her period that’s why she can’t afford a smile for now and she does like me a lot already so I don’t get the wrong idea about her and just then Mrs. Y said she wanted to grab some salad at the eatery and get their daily supply of waste for their dog….and asked me to escort her on our way and she said;
“Thank you for playing along with my girls and when next do I see you again my baby?”(she actually thought I was playing along)”I’m at home most mornings before I go to the shop later in the day and the girls will be back in school by next weekend” and at that point I wanted to opt out then she placed an envelope in my hands and said “thanks for today and pls keep this a secret as long as you can!”

I hate you daddy:sweet karma (part3)|

2010-05-18T22:03:00.000+01:00

…it felt good at every point in time and amidst my tears I felt good till I saw a head throbbing out of the blinds and a voice saying “oga NEPA don bring light, I wan switch over”….oops

Ok now I’m screwed(literally an d figuratively), why is this happening to me?guess what? His head was still in the blinds staring hard?then my dad quickly wore his trousers and dashed to meet him outside before he could make a run for it and spill the news and met him halfway before th gate and brought him back into the house calmly and I sat there naked and confused as my dad proposed and proffered solutions and surprisingly the stupid no good son-of-a bitch asked stupidly for my dad never to sack him(unless he leaves willingly),increase his allowances and surprisingly my dad should impregnate his daughter and he should have sex with me also….what?!!!
My dad choked him in the neck and swore he’d kill him right there and the stupid fool said “who’s gonna open the gate for madam if she return for five o clock?” it was already 4:24pm, logically if my dad killed him now, how fast can he dispose of the body? And seriously who will open the gate? What explanation will be given to my mum for his failure to open the gate? He has been with us even before I was born and only travels few times in a year to go impregnate his wife and my dad did agreed on his terms except for his sleeping with me and then he just decided and said “DO IT!”…what?!!!
Then my dad asked me to cooperate(few hours ago I was a virgin, curse you Eunice for lending me that porn) before my mum gets back,not like I had a choice, I slowly closed my open legs at the sight of his enormous penis, now I’m scared yet I still don’t have a choice. He drove so deep I could feel my intestine giving way and on staring at the “kondo” I notice he had just gotten halfway inside me and then a rush of pleasure and pain shot straight from my spine straight to my brain…I had just climaxed and the pain did not make me wish for more.then as he slipped off the condom he was using, my mum’s horn went blarring and we all scurried off to make things look right and I noticed I could barely walk…a sharp pain throbbed my inner thighs so my dad had to bring my clothes to me
My mum walked in with my siblings and the lawyer and also invited the gateman in…then my heart skipped, had he spilled the news?what could be happening? She(my mum) sent my siblings upstairs and said we all needed to talk and the gateman had to be there…now I knew we were busted…”he made me do it”…I said, and my mum cut me short before I could even start confessing and said “don’t care what you and ur dad have been up to,this is far more important”…for the first half of her sentence, I almost fainted and I couldn’t wait for what was more important than my father having sex with me then she said
“I know you all are wondering why I brought Mr. Olumitan our lawyer to our house, I wanted to clarify some things, first I’m filing for a divorce largely because I feel neglected and also because I have been having affairs with people!!!”
Just when you think that was too hard to swallow and I was having the worst day of my life, then she continued
“secondly, this man is not your father…he’s more like a foster dad to you funmi”
All of a sudden I felt happy, at least it wasn’t my dad that just had sex with me then he can pay for his crimes and then she concluded
“the so called gateman is actually your father and also ur brother and ur sister belongs to someone else…your so called father seem to be impotent after I took some of his sperm to test it after subjecting myself to therapy and expensive fertility test which the bastard dint even pay for and blah blah blah blah”
The rest sounded like blahs in my ear….before I blacked out
Need I tell you that my life never remained the same,I am a stripper at la caliente even though I have money and guys running crazy for and around me, I don’t think I want another penis ever again, I have a girlfriend I love and a story worth telling the world…and did I tell you I had both my dad(I find it hard to call him something else) and the gateman(my useless real dad) killed and asked their penis be put in a jar of formalin for me….anytime I need to calm my self down I just stare hard at it…..and the sight of revenge can be soothing…all I had to add when returning the jar back to the safe is “I hate you daddy!!!”

i hate you daddy:throbbing heads (part2)

2010-05-18T22:01:00.000+01:00

Did I end the part one with an “oops”?

It should have been an ooooooops!!!What was I thinking? Thought I locked the main door? What do I do now? He has never spanked me before…what will he do now? would he tell my mother?(then I’m DEAD!!!) then I realized I had not locked the kitchen door(most houses have a kitchen door…I think?!)…but something struck me, he had not noticed me(or maybe he did).his eyes were fixed on the plasma, for some ten seconds he gazed hard on the TV and I noticed a huge bulge in his pants(it was kinda on my eye level you know?!)….oops!!!
It was then he looked down at me and couldn’t help but notice the bottle sticking out of my orifice and instead of yelling the shit out of me, he pulled me up, walked me to the bathroom helped me clean up the juice stain on my laps and he actually did help me clean my vagina gently stroking it under the running water and the sensation itself was hormone-testing and climax fetching but I had to figure what was going on in his head, his silence was killing me(so were his fingers!!!)…could he be so drunk he had not realized what had happened? Or maybe he’s doing the silent treatment?....then I noticed the bulge again….oops!!!
He then spoke without looking into my eyes “funmi you have been a very bad girl, there are two ways outta this situation I could either make you explain to your mum or I’d explain what real sex feels like or show you”(I know!!! I didn’t wanna mention my name before)”where is your sense of humour” he said. Then his fingers slid deeper into my vagina and reminded me whom my mum would believe if we both relayed our stories and I shouldn’t bother screaming because the generator was on, moreover, mum wasn’t going to be back till a few more hours, then he carried me back to the couch half naked, quarter confused and the rest of the fractions; MAD. Then he whipped out that ugly thing you guys pride yourself in, it was the biggest I’ve seen (even bigger than Muri the madman’s dick)then he started explaining to me the importance of using a condom…I know!!!...ooops
He picked up a tear from my face and used it to rub my clitoris(now I know all the parts thanks to my dad) and I couldn’t help but to let out a soft moan and then he guided his thingy into me an inch at a time.it felt good at every point in time and amidst my tears I felt good till I saw a head throbbing out of the blinds and a voice saying “oga NEPA don bring light, I wan switch over”….oops
I have to stop here for now…watch out for part three(the concluding part!)…the gateman, neighbor, mum and the lawyer walks in…or maybe not!!!
Feel free to drop your comments on the group page and invite your friends to join from the group page.

i hate you daddy:bitter sweet (part 1)

2010-05-18T21:58:00.000+01:00

“I hate you daddy!!!”….”see what happens when I tell mummy”

I had just finished high school (here in naija, we call it secondary school) and puberty has had the best of me (asides the usual menstrual cramps, everything else is perfect, lovely set of boobs, nice cute ass to match, pimple free face, and I was the talk of the class) and unlike most of my friends, I was still a virgin. Not like I dint know what sex was (I read lots of mills and boon, seen few porn videos) but I just felt I wasn’t ready yet (partly because my friends were bad at describing their very first time and partly because I dint like the shape God created the penis!) and I planned on keeping it that way for as long as possible (only to find out I’d still lose it to some guy three years later).
I have always been daddy’s girl, I loved him so much and told him almost everything and he would take me out from time to time and even named me princess. My mum would sometimes be jealous of our relationship (really she should have! For the right reasons) and would fight my dad for diverting all the attention to me and neglecting her and my siblings, I didn’t care provided it was all about me (call me selfish huh?!) moreover, I am the first girl in four generations of my family(that explains a lot huh?!).Well it was going rosy until this very day in September.
September it was, I remember it like it just happened, September 3 was a wet day and I had decided to stay indoors, the DSTV (satellite TV) won’t work because of the rain, I ran out of novels, my siblings were off to school, my mum was far away on a conference and I thought I might just be bored to death, then I remembered this porn that my friend Eunice lent me (what? I had to do something!)So I asked the gateman to put on the generator(did I mention that the electricity was off?) and amidst the chattering noise of the generator I inserted the disc into the DVD player(I remember the title was Star Wars: attack of the cocks)and was watching delightfully and next I knew, I got up, went to make sure the main door was locked, headed to the kitchen to get a bottle(I thought it was nothing compared to the light saber look-alike dildos they were using in the film).then I got in a very comfortable position on my dad’s favorite couch and began working on my most precious orifice. It felt too good and I went on for over thirty minutes ignoring everything else, I tilted my head backwards with my eyes closed as I climaxed and on opening my eyes(I wish I didn’t) I saw my dad leaning over the couch with his suit hanging from his left arm and ice cream on his right. OOPS!!!

That bloody condom (part one)

2010-05-18T21:50:00.000+01:00

"Oh I saw this coming, where on earth did I put this bloody condom"

...you know those kinda times you only get to hit once and you are getting all clumsy(especially when she's one fine ass girl),you try not to let go with one hand while the other is desperately searching for the rubbery "self proclaimed" protector of the dicks(kinda annoying huh....I know!) and just then you remember that you just "might" have a spare somewhere you have to stand up to get to(like the pocket of your suit in the closet or a neighbor’s room...lol),for something you've worked so hard to get, seriously what are the odds of getting one of the finest girls in your room, chatting her up, getting to unbutton her shirt, after a few "stop don't think I wannas" you get to reach her pride(seriously it shouldn't be called that, who prides herself in that?),after a few fumbling with clean shaven pussy, she nimbles a moan followed by words that sound like "can you just fuck me?"(Actually at first you think she said can you just stop it? then you follow ur animal instinct) and then YOU CANT FIND THE BLOODY CONDOM!!! Let me leave you with these three...em...em...possibilities

1. You quickly dash for the hanger and God willing(more like devil's willing) you reach for your pocket and just maybe you find it and on heading back she still gives you time to slip on your condom and yet still feels like allowing you claim your prize, then upon the initial disappointment you end up having the best sex you have ever had(cos you tried so hard to make up for lost dignity) and just maybe she enjoyed it so much, you hit it more than once and promise you there is a next time

2. You quickly dash for the hanger and God willing (more like devil's willing) you reach for your pocket and just maybe you find it and on heading back she still gives you time to slip on your condom and just then you find her all suited up and tells you she wants to leave, you try to convince her and start all over again and nah......then you know you've blown it

3,you dash for the hanger and you try hard not to yell but you still manage to let out the word "FUCK",why?....cos YOU CANT FIND THE BLOODY CONDOM!!! You know when you search desperately for something you probably shouldn’t but just by a stroke of luck you might find it....HEY!!! Snap out of it, just go back to Ur smooching, it’s a fair enough deal

Hey next time you want.....hey need I fucking tell you again? GET THAT FUCKING CONDOM!!!

that bloody condom:my london,my son

2010-05-17T23:04:00.001+01:00

”you can’t be my dad”….”mum, tell this man to get out of our house”…”well, you wanted me aborted, good she didn’t”

….that’s my three year old son yelling at me when I first saw him. Let me take you back four years before this incident, I met shontell in one of my trips to London, I was supposed to go meet my girlfriend in London(which I did actually) but she barely had time for me as she was rounding off high school (what?!...I was quite young too, so no thoughts of child abuse ok?), I met shontell on a bus 12(my London peeps should be quite familiar with this very one),I was eyeing her all the way and quite luckily she was going my way but got off a bus/stop before mine and I followed suit in a blizzery November cold, and as I walked up to her with fears she might raise an alarm about me stalking her (good, that al-mutallab aint known yet, cos I did look that innocent)but surprisingly she said “thot I lost you there handsome”(was dumbfounded, then again its London)

Shontell was (as at that time) 22 years old, couple of years older than I was, worked at the primarks store in Peckham and of a Nigerian-Jamaican decent and lived in a single room along the peckham rye and also an arsenal fan. That first day, she actually did walk me home instead of going to hers and we saw each other more often after that, always went to peckham to wait for her and every day after work, she would take time to show me round London until that very day she asked me to come see her new apartment in camberwell (her parents stay outside London, I found out later that she ran away from home and quit college).the house was very lovely and her bedroom looked movie-like and while still looking around she gave me a wet, warm kiss and asked me to stay the night, I had to refuse her offer because my mum would be worried(unluckily for me she flew in two days before….left to my aunt, she’d understand) and she just walked me home as usual, we kissed again at the stairs leading to my aunt’s flat. Throughout the night I couldn’t get her off ma head and I knew it was just a matter of time

This very day, she called me and said she just called in sick and was down with a flu, I rushed down to her place after seeing off my girlfriend to school (slept over at her house) and on getting in she was stark naked and it looked like she had greases her oversized bum and the tattoo on her lower back glowing, she looked like she just step out of a FHM magazine. I asked her what this was all about, she told me to be prepared for the best sex I’d ever have(better still, ever had). she had everything prepared; chocolate, lube, beers except for one thing “THAT BLOODY CONDOM”. What the hell? (I told myself, little did I know it’s going to fetch me an unplanned handsome boy). she blew my mind (not forgetting my dick too), we did it on the bed, in the bathtub, stairs, balcony and just I thought I had enough, seeing her bum strolling right in front of me I couldn’t hold back and I rammed her from behind and I was about to withdraw just before I came, she begged(literally)me to cum inside of her, hoping she might be on pills, I did make the greatest mistake of my life(life so far!)

After that moment, she started speaking strangely, telling me thank you (but babe, I just fucked you…I should thank you) telling me I have good genes and how she wanted to have my baby…..STOP THERE!!! Did I just hear you say BABY??? Just a month ago, I just ended my teenage years and what? I’m going to be a daddy soon? She calmed me down, assuring me all is well (well players, if a girl tells you that….well SCRAM!!!)We did it twice more after then before returning back to Nigeria. No wonder she opted for my Nigerian phone number and almost a year later, someone called me with a tear stained voice and says “he’s beautiful, you did it! You made me a son, thank you very much….I’m still on hi5 you know?!” I went cold (felt like fainting), I told my mum and she laughed thinking it was one of my jokes, it took a lot of convincing to make her believe my story(not the detail of course!) and I had a fight with shontell(she was vexed, but dint care if I was around to father my child, she just wanted a baby) and just last august she sent me ticket money to come see my almost four year old son, I bought a two-week return ticket and on getting there, she picked me up from Heathrow and drove to her (again!)new apartment and here comes a carbon copied boy (more like scanned, photoshopped and printed copy of me) that looked exactly like me with this silk hair packed in a ponytail (a boy on ponytail?...best thing ever) and the boy yelled out”you can’t be my dad”….”mum, tell this man to get out of our house”…”well, you wanted me aborted, good she didn’t”…what?! Did you teach him that?....then they both laughed, it was supposed to a joke, she asked him to come hug me, I knelt down and picked my boy and tears from nowhere started to fall.

She told me she had named him Kennedy, that even made it more touching but told me I can have my life and marry who ever I wanted provided I call and come to see my son from time to time and begged me for another one…”NO..Not this time” but we still had sex and this time I was strapped…and to answer the question of guys asking how that place (you know where now?!)is like after birth…feels the same!!!(Probably even better)

NOTE: no matter how tempting, the time, date, people and places depicted in this memoir are fictitious (or just might not be!)…not like you guys care right? But just maybe a shontell exists and I have a son already…..you might never know!!!

DAMMYsel in distress

2009-08-02T10:55:00.004+01:00

yet seated watching a boring episode of ultimate search(a reality TV show you search for something only one person ends up finding it),i decided to write our story;a story of love over a distance.I've been with girls(OMG,a whole lot of 'em),but i must say this one is different,very different(i must add,very special to me too!).i thought to myself,this is the third of the memoirs of a lover series,it had to be a classic(three we all know stand for perfection;triads,trinity,triangle....am sure you get it now!),guess whose story came to mind?DAMILOLA wow!OK so where do i start from....let me guess from...i think I'd start from the very start(duh?!),i met her on one of my few trips to London,i had just finished high school(just to ease your mind of the question,YES JUST BEFORE THE REMInescence STORY),i saw her shortly when i went to pick up my cousins at the creche,said a few compliments and that was it.......now I'm gonna fast forward to five years later(now see where the stories fit huh?!) "yes aunt,i'd ensure i read everyday"....."yes aunt remi,i wont join bad gangs"....this was getting to boring(whoever made call cards from london cheap be cursed!)......"ken,do you have a girlfriend?"...what?where was that coming from?i was pretty sure that wasn't coming out from the same source as the one that was advising(in 300level)to study hard,not join a cult and not skip classes(which she was 3years late!)..."no!"(finally answered after one minute of pause),"would you like to meet a young,fine Christan girl?you dont have to date her,just be friends",oook?this is weird!but i like the idea,so lets see how big the idea was,"can i have her number?and i'll take it from there and pls no interference" and that was it!as usual,let me take a paragraph to describe someone i loved for months before i ever set my eyes on her. damilola is a cute girl(not sure?search for ddot nigerian on facebook!),she's young(at least younger than i am),vibrant,smart,funny,fun to be with,plump(fellas y'all know what i mean),dark,very long silky hair,a christain(the kind that i like,not to seriously.....sure u know what i mean!) and invariably sexy!am sure y'all are like lets get back to the story....oooook! after my conversation that day with my aunt,i made the call,the voice on the other line was intrigueing.a blend of the best british ascent with an open mind calling for a touch of excitement and adventure,that was exactly what i needed in this boring life of mine.from that moment,we spoke at every opportunity we had,she had nursed at the back of her mind that she probably would never see me unless she came to nigeria(which definitely wasn't anytime soon!)yet she nursed the "thing called love" we had to maturity,i felt alive again in a very long time(and in love too).she made me talk to every of her friends(even though i barely heard them cos they were to fast while talking),i was getting to attracted and one day,i called my aunt and requested for a plane ticket,while she was pondering over that,i narrated my ordeals with dammy and without further ado,she sent the money.i wanted to surprise her,so was asking her questions like "how would u feel if i was there with you?","what line should i get when i arrive in london"...the question was too much so she was pretty sure i was pulling her leg(which was pretty much what i wanted!) easter 2007 was around the corner and i bought my ticket so i could arrive in London just in time for easter(i wanted to see 'em easter eggs....for the first time),i got to london saturday night prior to easter sunday,bought a tmobile line at the airport(as she suggested) and after resting i woke up around 8am sunday morning and sent her a text that i was in london and moments later i called her,she was stunned and we both couldnt wait to see eachother(we were expecting less of eachother as we would if we were online-dating),i went to church came back,unwrapped my easter egg(suprised the famed easter egg was made of chocolate not the priced ferbache),said a wish(i wished dammy was a damsel) and spent the rest of the day watching arsenal tv(thats something you dont see often),we chatted on phone all day(they get their bill monthly so why worry till the?)and anticipated seeing eachother the nextday monday morning came and i was dressed and ready to go,she rang from downstairs and i went down to meet her,i got down and saw nobody!starred at the parking to trying to figure out which car was theirs,next a big-ass jeep flashed its light at me,dint wanna believe that was her mum's car,so i went towards the car and attempted to enter,was surprised i was opening the driver side(i had forgotten,they were right handed cars),i corrected myself with a smile and hopped in,we were stunned at eachother(i lied to her that i was short,black and pretty much opposite of what i really was! and i dint expect her te be an halle berry!) and also the fact there was an LCD screen in like everywhere(something you only see on pimp my ride).and so we headed out to the store to get a few stationery(as they had just moved to their new house),the only word she had uttered was "could i pls see ur fone?" in a calm british ascent....i knew this could go on all day so i decided to take action(how much action is there in talking to a girl?...at least not from someone who has had rice poured on his head by a girl just for talking to somone).then i..............................