Memoirs of Let's Talk

STOP Dating That Married Man!!!

2011-07-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

You love dating married men because you are dumb. You think that he actually cares about you. You think that you are special. That you are unique. Even worst, you think that he is special, that he is unique. Oh wait, what’s even more special and unique then that is that you think that you are the only special and unique person that he is cheating on his wife with. The word special should not apply to you, him or your relationship. The only “S” word that applies to you is that you are stupid. The word unique should not apply to you, him or your relationship. . . The only “U” word that applies is . . . is . . . I can’t think of a good “U” word that applies so you are stupid times two.

You loooooove dating married men because they are smooooo-with-a-ve. They know what they are doing. They are affectionate. They are attentive. They are sensitive. They are understanding. They are passionate. They are practicing with their wife what to perform with you. That doesn’t bother you at all? They are trained. The wife has put in the time to train a man to her likes and desires and it just so happens that you were never woman enough to train your own man. You thought that a man would be delivered to you in an unwrapped package. You knew and accepted right up front that you were not woman enough to build your own marriage so you would rather destroy someone else’s. You wanted to skip the blood, sweat and tears of the early years of marriage. You are so stupid! He don’t love you, he just loves being away from his wife. YOU DON’T MATTER. You are convenient. You are accepting. You only require and deserve one day a week. Easy, that’s what you are.

You try to justify it but it ain’t right. You do justify it but it still ain’t right! It doesn’t matter what he tells you. Lies have never mattered. It doesn’t matter that he is unhappy at home. I bet he is happier than you are. It doesn’t matter that he is your baby daddy or your co-worker or your ex-boyfriend or your ex-fiancé. It is not right. How can you not put yourself in the shoes of his wife? I know you want to, but can you? (<- Slow down, read it again. I have been thinking on this article for a minute so I might be just a smidget too deep. The word play is ferocious! Hova get at me!)

I know you want to, but can you?

I know you want to be his wife, but can you be a wife?

Can you think about how she would feel if she knew? Would you resort to fisticuffs if it were you? Would you want to kick her. . . ?

Oh, I understand, he is separated so that makes it ALL-right. Oh, I understand, he is staying for the kids so that makes it ALL-right. Oh, I understand, they don’t live together so that makes it ALL-right. Oh, I understand, he told you he was separated, he lied, so that makes it ALL-right. I am tired of the free pass that is being handed out to women that date married men. All of those Tiger Woods tricks knew he was married. LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! They should not have got a dime. The media bashed Bill Clinton and felt sorry for Monica Lewinsky. THAT WOMAN KNEW FULL WELL WHAT SHE HAD IN HER MOUTH!!!

That husband that you loooooooove dating don’t love you and he is not leaving his wife for you. You are being used. You are a stand in or a “lay-in”. (<- Ok, that was wack.) He is only doing what he has been trained to do. There is a reason why he is more attentive than the average single man. There is a reason why he is more affectionate than the average single man. There is a reason why he is more sensitive than the average single man. There is a reason why he is more caring than the average single man. There is a reason why he is more thoughtful than the average single man. There is a reason why you are more stupid than the average single woman. And that reason is because you looooooooove dating married men.

Woman's Worth!

2011-07-15T05:27:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooo....

a whyl back, I think it was sometime this week, I read a post on Sisi's blog and I was urged to blog...but when I started, something came up and I had to leave.

To cut the long story short, I've been trying to blog for a while now and I'm either, too tired, too lazy or too busy. My mid-year resolution is to try and make my posts as short as possible because I find that when I do my blog rounds, it can be overwhelming to see extremely long posts...esp. with my burst of excitement, it bogs me down, quite a bit.

As you might have suspected all the gist I had for you has pretty much reduced because I didn't say them as soon as they came.

*****

Sisi's post was rather upsetting...

ah ahn...ladies, don't you know your value? as in really?

We carry such favour, should walk with great dignity, understand that we are more than a useless piece of crap that a guy can use and toss whenever he feels.

Given, many of us might have uselessed ourselves to a point where we think we are worth absolutely nothing but it is still no reason to keep the cycle of worthlessness going. The fact that you've done something or many things wrong in the past doesn't mean that you can't pick up your mess and toss it out...then start afresh. The original intent of a woman is to be a blessing to a man, to add value to him, to complement him, to be his helper, to be his thing or person of joy, of pride...not something he walks all over and then tosses out after one use because there are many others in line.

Forget there are too few men around, cock and bull, piece of crap story. Even if the men are slowly becoming extinct, yours would still be around.

A man that cannot look at you, displaying you to the world like you're his treasure is not worth you putting yourself out there for.

At the same time, there are guys who women walk all over...let's not discount the truth. Men are also made to feel like they are not worth the woman, so I would say this...If there is a man or woman that feels that you are lucky to have them, they best hit the road asap, cuz there is that person who would find you as a prize worth being flaunted to the public...and it would be a shame that when he or she comes around, you're busy galivanting with a riff-raff that thinks you're worth less than the cheapest thing he/she owns.

Get a clue!

Your value is beyond rubies/gold/diamonds.

Clean up yourself and be patient till you meet someone who looks you in the eye and says something as simple as "I LOVE YOU" and it sparks up every muscle/(everything sparkable) in your body. An "I love you" that carries soo much weight in actions, in gifts, in words, in expression...that's what you should wait for.

Against popular belief, the right one WILL come!

Mr. A's story would not be yours...stop looking at everyone else and comparing yourself to them.

Let God write your love story.

Asking a Guy Out

2011-07-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

It’s 2011!!! Women are making more money, are more independent and some of us believe we don’t need a man as much as our mother or grandmother did. When a woman decides that she doesn’t need a man she is setting higher expectations for the next man crazy enough to approach her. A number of women know exactly what they want out of a man these days. That’s fine I suppose but there is one problem. MS. BIG & BAD 2010 INDEPENDENT WOMAN is afraid to ask a man out on a date! In your professional life, you are telling men what to do all day! In your personal life, you pick and chose which values to keep traditional.

The purpose of this article is not to change the tradition of the man pursuing the woman. The purpose of this article is to inform women of exactly what their role is in the dating game.

Women your role, your purpose, your goal, what you should be trying to do is show the man that you are interested and available. That’s it. He has got to take it from there. Life is faster and much more complicated than it was 60 years ago when it was easier to meet a guy. My grandmother met my grandfather at the market. She was in her Sunday best in the butchery section. Pops was cool. This was when men would wear suits everywhere (Why did men stop wearing suits everywhere?) Grandma smiled at Pops. Her smile let Pops know that she was interested and available. A smile was all it took back then.

Today at the market a smile is not enough to let a guy know that you are interested and available. A smile is not enough because he is going through his grocery list on his Blackberry or surfing the net on his iPhone. Once he is done reviewing the grocery list and catching up on the latest gossip on the internet, it’s been at least 2 minutes since he last checked his email, Facebook or Twitter. Y’all follow each other on Twitter but y’all don’t know it because your real name is Seyi Soetan but your Twitter name is @ShaSheeey. His name Wale Tijani but his name on Twitter is @BillGetMoney. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY Y’ALL DON’T USE YOUR REAL NAMES!!! (Facebook: Disi Ayomide / Twitter: ayomidedisi – Hit me up!)

People live in their own worlds now. They stay home and stay on the computer. When we leave the house we have our fancy phone with us. We are not paying attention to anyone else; we can barely walk from looking at our phones. Women, you are not meeting men because he is too busy playing on his phone. Since he is playing on his phone, you can’t possibly look like you don’t have access to the internet at all times just like him so you are on your phone also! You have to get his attention to show him that you are interested and available. Being cute is not enough. Yeah, you cute, but some stupid woman that is just as cute as you sent buck naked pictures of herself to his fancy phone. Ask me how I know? Go ahead ask me!!! Ask me!!!! I SAW THE PICTURES!!! Women, men show the pictures every time. They know what you look like. The purpose of the picture is to show their friends what you look like. Wives keep sending sexy pictures to your husbands! A guy is reading this right now saying to himself “I forgot to show my homeboy old girl’s breast from the party”.

Women, your role, your purpose, your goal, what you should be trying to do is show the man that you are interested and available. You will have to get his attention to show him that you are interested and available.

I am not advising women to pursue men. I am not saying that a man can’t or shouldn’t try to get a woman’s attention. Men don’t try to get a woman’s attention. Men are aggressive! They walk over and snatch a chick up and say . . . . whoa, whoa, wait, did I just say that? I was in the moment for a minute! No snatching! Men, don’t touch a woman that you don’t know. Especially these 2010 women!

Now that we have made it through the preliminaries . . . Ladies are you ready to learn how to ask a man out on a date? I am going to tell you how to do it soon!

Annoying Facebook & BBM Relationship Updates

2011-07-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about social networking sites, especially Facebook and Blackberry Messenger, is that we get a sneak peek into the lives of others. Personal information they previously kept to themselves is now out there for all — or at least those in their networks — to see. Often, their musings or status updates are thought-provoking or funny. But some folks love nothing more than broadcasting the fabulousness (or not so fabulousness) of their relationships. And that's when things start getting annoying. Here are five of the most annoying types of Facebook/BBM status updates about relationships. Do you agree?

Smug marrieds and smug engageds
"Sorry women of earth, the most amazing man EVER belongs to me. Love my hubby!" We get that you're on cloud nine. You retag and then repost your wedding photos every single day.

"Officially off the market. He went to Jared!" Then, there's that.

Passive aggressive fights
"Stuck doing the dishes again because *someone* is too busy watching TV to help." Perhaps a face-to-face chat with your partner would be more productive than calling him or her out to all of your friends?

Generic sappy sentiments asking for action
"Thanks babe for always being there. Thanks babe for knowing how to make me smile. Thanks babe for reminding me that true still love exists. REPOST IF YOU LOVE YOUR SOUL MATE!!!!" A romantic chain-letter type request on Facebook and BBM? Really?

My love life is way better than yours
"I'm the luckiest because I get to wake up next to SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S NAME beautiful face every morning."Your partner's great and all, but I'm more than happy with my own sleeping arrangements, thank you very much.

Broadcasted breakups
"Now I know what Phil Collins was feeling: 'I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why.'" Perhaps a phone call would be a better way to reach out to your ex?

Please whatever your feelings, the whole world need not hear about.

Coping With In-laws

2011-07-02T13:57:00.000-07:00

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people complain about their mothers-in-law to me. Statements like, “I wish she would die already” (ugh!) or “I can’t stand how passive-aggressive she is!” are very common complaints for me to hear, I'm also not left out.

In fact, according to one study, 60 percent of mother/daughter-in-law relationships — compared to just 15 percent of son/mother-in-law relationships — are strained. Words like “infuriating,” “depressing” and “awful” are only some negative terms used to characterize these tense relationships. And the problems tend to get worse when kids enter into the picture.

So why do mothers-in-law cause such grief for daughters-in-law? One of the main reasons is a fear over who has the primary power in the relationship. And there’s an issue of loyalty, as well as a classic power struggle between two women fighting over the same man.

The conflict usually flares up when one of the women starts to criticize or undermine the other for one thing or another. The topics can range from how a home should be kept to a running commentary over what constitutes being a “good” wife/mother, spirituality and so on. As the mother of a son myself (granted he’s only 10 years old right now), I can certainly understand how a mother-in-law could feel terribly displaced and dethroned by a wife once she enters the scene. Fearing a loss of love, or being displaced, could make the most mentally healthy mother or mother-in-law feel a little threatened. But a man can’t marry his mother, so he has to do the next best thing: Find a woman he can love and who loves him in return, and provides him with a happy, healthy home life.

Mothers-in-law bring a different viewpoint from another generation. Women today are different and as a result can have opposing mind-sets about how they should run their homes. Ultimately, to make life tolerable, these two women have to find a way to duel it out. The good news is there are lots of different ways to rehabilitate the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, and help it get back on track.

For you wives out there:

· Remember, this is the woman who raised the man you love, so give her her due.

· Let her know that you respect her, but remember it’s OK to set limits and stand up to her, too.

· Don’t compete! Don’t make your husband feel like he needs to choose between you and his mother. Instead, give him some pragmatic advice on how he can help the two of you move into the future.

· Choose your battles. Learn what’s worth fighting over and what’s not.

Husbands can help out, too. Don’t let the women in your lives duel it out alone.

· Get involved.

· Reassure your mother that you still love her, but don’t want to hear anything negative about your wife.

· Make sure to keep your mom in the loop. Give her updates on personal news and news in the family. The more involved she feels, the less anxiety she’ll feel about being left out, which equals less acting out!

It’s important to remember that no one is all bad. Try to focus on the good aspects of the relationship and give yourself permission to navigate it in a way that works for you and everyone involved.

Single and Loving it?

2011-07-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Why are you single?” That is the most common question I’m asked on a first date. My response is usually the politically correct, “Just haven’t found the right one yet.” My brain, however, is screaming “I’m single because some of you dudes are slithering sleazy slimy scum bags who I’m not trying to get caught up with!” (I’m telling you, it’s a hard fight keeping my mouth from articulating my thoughts) I have to ask myself though, why AM I single?

When I look in the mirror I like the reflection. Of course I wouldn’t be opposed to a bit of nip and tuck but for the most part, I’m not too bad looking. I’m intelligent, funny, can cook up a good meal and give a mean back rub. Hell if I was a man I’d date me.

The truth is, as much as I’d love to be in a relationship (maybe) the horror stories I’ve heard make me think the grass on this side of the fence is as green as it gets. So many tales of disrespect; I’ve witnessed the fights and arguments, dried tears after the infidelity. That’s the scariest. I can be argumentative, stubborn and bratty at times. I know relationships ebb and flow. I just don’t know if I can handle the cheating. These days, it’s like two-timing has become acceptable. A man will boldly state “yeah I have a woman.” Then ask for my number in the next breath!

Women must be going for this line and are willing to roll with it; otherwise men wouldn’t think it was cool to say? Remember when men would at least LIE about their relationship status? I guess lying was too much work because now it’s “yep I’m taken, but I want you too, let’s go.” Why should I bother with love if that is the type of behavior I have to look forward to?

Now before the men get their boxers in a bunch I will (reluctantly) admit there are some trifling women running wild out here. Sorry ladies but it has to be said. I’m not talking gold diggers and groupies but regular everyday women, with families. There was a time when women could stand on their soap box singing “woe is me” because they were wronged. These days we have to share the soap box and our song. Payback definitely is a bitch because chicks are vicious.

I have a good friend whose woman of more than a decade cheated on him and ended up pregnant by the dude on the side. Yes, he had his short comings, no one is perfect but like Jay Z said “you don’t get your man back like that.” Another woman I know has never caught her husband cheating and isn’t sure if he ever has. Yet she cheats, as she words it, “just in case he IS cheating I won’t be so heartbroken when I find out.” What the what?! I thought that type of lunacy was reserved for the men.

The problem is, I’ve always felt I was born in the wrong era. I want to be courted, you know, like our grandparents did it, old school style; long walks in the park, drives to nowhere, conversation for hours about nothing and everything. Courtship was slow and deliberate. This lost art gave both parties a chance to grow to know and love each other. We dropping drawers with no discovery and then there’s nothing to work towards.

I’m no “goody goody”. Believe me; I’ve made my share of mistakes playing on both teams. I’ve been heartbroken and the heart breaker, and I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I was young and dumb but as a fully grown adult, I figure why settle for what doesn’t make me happy? I will not be bent by the popular vote of having someone just to say I do, or not having my needs and wants fulfilled-I may as well fly solo.

So here I am beautiful, smart, sexy, sassy and single. It can be fun but the reality is I won’t be young(ish) forever. Should I look the other way on the fidelity issue so I can have someone to grow old, share my dreams and build with? Many of my girls say all men cheat anyway. Nah, I’m selfish. I want someone willing and able to dedicate himself to one woman as I am ready to be dedicated to one man. That quality is very hard to find, until he reveals himself I will be SBF looking for OSL (Old School Love).

Sincerely Yours,

Single Black Female

Memoirs of Let's Talk: Loving and Being Loved

2011-07-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

Memoirs of Let's Talk: Loving and Being Loved

Loving and Being Loved

2011-07-01T00:33:00.001-07:00

When a person feels loved, he is loving towards others.

And people who give a lot of love, receive a lot of love. Love creates love. It can be great.

But if I don't feel loved, then I can't be more loving, which makes me less lovable. It can be awful.

When I'm not feeling loved, I don't have much love to give. When I am not feeling loved, I want to receive.

I can't force myself to love another person any more than I can force someone else to love me.

It's circular. We can't love unless we're loved, and we (mostly) won't be loved unless we're loving.

When the cycle of love is working positively--you give love and receive it from the people you love--it's great, but how do you get it started again when it's been damaged?

To get the cycle of giving and receiving love started again and to keep it going during the hard times--and there will be hard times--we need to have love flowing in from outside of us.

There is love available. God is loving us all of the time. His love is being poured out to us, all of the time. But we're usually insensitive to it.

The way to get love flowing in a relationship again is, I believe, to be receptive to the love that God is giving us.

God sends his love to us through other people in little ways. Our job is to recognize it and receive it.

Others are not usually going to shower us with love, but they will sometimes respond to the little loving impulses that God is giving them. And we need to recognize this when it happens.

Rather than grumbling over what we aren't getting, we need to see the love that is there.

God also gives us little loving impulses, and our job is to act on them.

He suggests small acts of kindness and gentleness. When we act on those, trusting God as we do so, we bring more love into our relationships, and into the world.

Love comes in little ways, and we generally give love in little ways.

As we learn to act on our little loving impulses, to recognize and receive the love that is being given to us, and as we are grateful to God for the love we do receive, it increases.

We find ourselves giving more love and receiving more love.

When we don't feel loved, it is hard to see beyond the negatives, beyond the ways in which we aren't loved.

When we don't feel loved, we need God's help. There's no other solution. God is the source of all love.

When we can't see the love around us, when we seem deaf to God's loving impulses, we need to ask God to help us. We need to ask him to help us experience his love and help us give his love to others.

God wants us to receive his love. It comes freely. It is his gift to us.

As we accept God's love for us, we have love to give to others, and the cycle of love begins again.

Loving and Being Loved

2011-07-01T00:33:00.000-07:00