tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:36:54 +0000office humorI quit my job todaybetter lifereasons I quitGO DIEGet me a sandwich.boredboringchangesclever you are notcorporate crapcube monkeysdark sidedesire to feel somethingfeel alivehumorknoblifelowering moraleoffice personalitiesplanting a seedsales leadunemploymentdelight in our plight with the wonders of the corporate world where men must behave as cube monkeys...http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)Blogger32125en-ustag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2542060855949995598Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:42:00 +00002011-08-31T16:05:11.669-06:00Hank Arron once said that he felt vitamins were ruining the sport of baseball. No I don't have the exact quote, google that for yourself you twit! While you are at it you should also verify this next gem of verbal discourse from an infallibly intelligent and widely regarded as brilliant man, Chris Rock. - "The money isn't in the cure, its in the treatment." The medical world has given us http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2009/02/drug-me-now-fix-me-never.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-4640945297727314544Wed, 15 Oct 2008 07:41:00 +00002008-10-15T02:37:30.397-06:00That's right, in today's society of accepted science and morality having elevated itself a notch above religion, people are allowed to think, explore and redefine. The publicized values based on an underlying good have been plagued with enough wrongs to undo the right. Enough of it all I'll say, there is no need. That is unless your IQ has something in common with my high school's average soccer http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/08/our-war-is-spiritual-war.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2738375434158864527Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:17:00 +00002008-09-11T14:14:35.368-06:00That's it, I'm screwed up, I don't fit or belong here when here is considered normal society. I look at people and I'm jealous, not because I want to be them but because they somehow fit the bill for success in this time and place, at least on a mental level. On paper I am gifted with everything any human could possibly want on the build list at birth, not the least of which was being born into ahttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/09/born-free-into-cage.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2939831906433465493Thu, 14 Aug 2008 20:58:00 +00002008-08-28T19:52:36.203-06:00better lifeboredboringdesire to feel somethingfeel alivelifeA friend mentioned how he met someone in law school today who nearly died climbing a mountain this weekend that ironically my friend and I were climbing as well. Turns out this guy made a mistake, it was foggy and he fell blind into the abyss. Luckily for him is was a shallow abyss and he came away thoroughly beat up but none the worse for the wear. In fact he was probably more alive in the http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/08/we-have-no-great-war-we-have-no-great.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-6171299791799802342Thu, 07 Aug 2008 06:47:00 +00002008-08-07T01:22:02.026-06:00By request - HamstersLets start with admitting that once again these are adorable creatures. And you know what? For a small percentage of these little bastards that live in households of the western nations this very cuteness is the basis for a viable survival strategy. Yes, thanks to many a children’s desire to hold something furry and reasonable parents need for a low maintenance pet, we have http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/08/something-more-worthless.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-1408825915758497590Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:21:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:24.092-07:00So now that my job is eons better then my last one I have gotten a bit more reflective about jobs in general. I've realized that my previous job was not my first truly awful(see previous post) job, nor do I have some unique ability to find amazingly bad jobs because I have found people with much, much worse. Namely a profession aptly named “Bull Fertility Specialist”. This job is exactly what youhttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/07/there-are-worse-things-i-could-have.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-8402066548381749865Sun, 06 Jul 2008 08:02:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:24.271-07:00Lets talk about my first truly awful job...it begins when I walked into and was hired at CHUCK E CHEESE. Now there are shitty jobs and there are fucking really shitty jobs, this was the later. I was 16 needed money, they were hiring and I WAS the mouse, don’t call it a rat, people in the profession know it’s a mouse so you just sound like an ignorant fuck when you say rat so back off. Anyway thishttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/07/lets-talk-about-my-first-truly-awful.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-4344613666814719003Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:48:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:24.478-07:00Penguins, what a pointless animal, granted they are adorable and I'm man enough to admit that. But seriously can't we all just agree they are on their way out, I mean its kinda the last straw for them don’t we think? Lets think about this: first off you are a bird who is better at walking then flying…cause well your wings are now more like useless flippers. Anyway I saw March of the Penguins and http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/07/when-you-are-on-your-way-out-dont-let.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Bobby the Bastard)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2430039622739757252Tue, 01 Jul 2008 03:42:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:24.796-07:00better lifechangeshumorI quit my job todayYour last cube monkey has left the building....ala Elvis. June 6th was actually my last day of official employment but I had really checked out far earlier then that...thanks for the paychecks anyway. The funny thing is they did the exact same thing to me as the other cube monkey; not paying me the full amount I had worked. I sent a few emails and lets just say they more then fixed the problem, http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/06/update.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3470538242863689508Tue, 27 May 2008 19:41:00 +00002008-05-27T13:52:04.681-06:00So I quit over three weeks ago and I can't get away from these fuckers. Getting the 'ol penis jerk about my final paycheck and they owe me almost $700. I've had enough and the last polite voicemail has been sent...I already have the Dept of Labor bookmarked in my favorites. Chances are after I post this google will have put 10 relevant links surrounding the blog from law firms too.Ended up http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/3-weeks-later-and-they-still-piss-me.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3435155501156908273Thu, 08 May 2008 22:26:00 +00002008-05-27T14:57:59.702-06:00office humorBefore I even left the building, a woman I almost started working for before I took the godforsaken job gave me a call..... I didnt really want to take a 35% pay cut so I ended up politely excusing myself from the conversation. The day after, before I even managed to get my unemployed ass to the job ads, I got a call back regarding a terrible interview I conducted. Apparently they were desperate?http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-should-quit-more-often.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-6977800360252950898Tue, 06 May 2008 01:55:00 +00002008-05-05T20:12:03.964-06:00I quit my job todayoffice humorreasons I quitAre you jealous? Thats right fuckers, I walked out...couldnt even make it to the end of the day. At will employment=no 2 week notice necessary. Instead of focusing on the "now what?" question, I'd like to discuss the "why did you quit?" issue...considering I have an answer for that.Well actually I have at least ten answers for that.#1) Poor lead quality: As discussed below. I cant stress http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-quit-my-job-today.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-1942574455070170801Mon, 05 May 2008 17:46:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:24.921-07:00corporate crapknobreasons I quit1) "Well, to be honest, our April term was “whore-rendess”."Oh, that’s a real knee slapper Knob Job.2) “We track them a little bit...” ...says Knobber Jobber....-Oh, this is when discussions of the largest contributing factor within our compensation matrix are mentioned, also called PGE's....What did you just say? You track the largest contributing factor to my compensation and my ability to gethttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/quotes-from-meeting-friday.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3852233717575069164Fri, 02 May 2008 01:16:00 +00002008-05-02T09:31:48.822-06:00office humorsales leadToday it was 4 1/2 hours into my work day before I actually got a lead. This makes my job rather difficult, considering I’m supposed to call these people. When one finally arrived I almost jumped out of my chair and exclaimed “I GOT A LEAD!” Holy fuck, that’s exciting, a chance to actually do what is in my job description. I call, it rings for about 30 seconds and goes to voicemail…..now what?http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/nursing-so-you-like-to-work-with-sick.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3105735533559553220Thu, 01 May 2008 23:12:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:25.084-07:00dark sidelowering moraleplanting a seedunemploymentthe cube monkeys have been in fear of employment as of late...seems this blog might have leaked to management and on top of that we flat out dont do our jobs very well. seems we all have attitude problems. In all seriousness it's pretty amazing these days of what corporate America expects of you. It's not just job performance that matters. Even if you outperform you peers if they appear of have http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/05/dark-side.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-7850818278227716425Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:00:00 +00002008-05-04T19:54:43.622-06:00GO DIEYes, ALL CAPS....Yesterday, I am required to go through a 1 hour of Sexual Harassment training and....Seriously, you send, a .gif image like this? To the entire business development organization? "It's silly, so it's ok."ummmm yeahhttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/how-are-you-not-fired-i-will-never-know.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-8300464030705179219Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:38:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:25.589-07:00Yes, I tried this but stupid admin rights won't let me sneak out of here early... blar --Please comment if you know how to get around that.1. Click Start, and then click Control Panel. 2. Click click Scheduled Tasks. 3. Double-click Add Scheduled Task. The Scheduled Task Wizard starts. 4. Click Next. 5. Under Click the program you want Windows to run, click Browse. 6. In the Select Program to http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/automatically-turn-off-computer-every.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2109618307186765147Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:00:00 +00002008-05-01T19:18:57.459-06:00cube monkeysoffice humoroffice personalitiesEarlier today a foreign cube monkey interrupted my normal cube trance with an energetic entrance into cube row that would have only been appropriate at a college football bowl game. He had marched over after hearing a new employee poorly handle an interview and decided it was his responsibility to preach about how to increase your business to the poor sap in the cube diagonal to mine. As I http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/monkeys-have-personalities-too.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3482708079594005825Thu, 24 Apr 2008 23:39:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:25.810-07:00Nobody wants to be here. I figured this out on my 2nd day of training, this is everyone's Plan B or more likely, and in my case...F. I find it pretty funny then that when my key card doesn't work for some reason(divine intervention) someone has a problem letting me in. When I came back form lunch I had to wait a little while for a proper subject to open the door for me. Finally a new guy who had http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/trust-me-i-wish-i-didnt-have-to-walk.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-3915555348282933541Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:30:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:26.018-07:00End of the day. This is also the first post from a bathroom stall. I had a small juvenile idea that might just work. I was thinking that every time I go get water, coffee, or need to evacuate my intestines/bladder - I will just simply push my finger down on the printer's red STOP button. Simple really. it will terminate all jobs in queue (yeah, that is really how you spell that... queue).Then, http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/tpsreportjpg.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-2791152688703013309Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:24:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:26.215-07:00Its National Bring you Kid to Work Day, how awesome. In addition to all the regular work related crap I must now deal with a bunch of snot faced kids running around me all day. It has its perks though, in fact I've already taught the bosses daughter a new word or two. Beyond disrupting my usual lazy day of avoiding work the kids have added an extra level of depression to this gig. I remember a http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/dreams-i-know-i-had-them.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-4634882391814431701Thu, 24 Apr 2008 20:51:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:26.611-07:00clever you are notI'll give credit where credit is due, a good fake answer voicemail is good for a laugh every once and a while but some voice-mails are absolutely infuriating. You get the usual "hello? hey whats up?...long pause...HA you got the voicemail" and yea that's funny the first 3 times but its really not. Really though, how clever is this? Of the unfortunate demographic that I am calling a surprisingly http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/leave-fucking-message.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-8256680505406394738Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:24:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:26.719-07:00It's hard to describe what people wear to work on an average day here. I'm not generally one to talk, I actually consider my khakis and crocs business casual but others take it to a whole new level. This one mid 30's, single, fairly unattractive co-worker literally doesn't know how to dress herself, she owns only one type of clothes: hippie shit. It's as if she literally wakes up every morning http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/sweater-vests-and-t-shirts.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-7037217931671292136Thu, 24 Apr 2008 15:36:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:26.885-07:00 Good Morning to me! I just wanted to express my true appreciation for being a cube monkey. I just got off a 5 second phone call, again. The other person, you ask? A mental dwarf prospect who got on their dial up internet connection to complete a personality profile, and was somehow taken to another, and another, and another survey, to finally land on something asking if they are happy being http://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/who-is-this-its-billy-at-hang-up-on-me.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4538139499366361125.post-1328278280164900870Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:07:00 +00002008-12-10T01:39:27.006-07:00I just got summoned to an impromptu meeting with a big wig, naturally I assume that we will be yelled at because of our dismal performance so far this week. In fact I was rewarded with a 25 dollar gift card for something I had almost nothing to do with over a month ago. Instant gratification is something we teach dogs...don't jump all over me trying to get the treat just sit, lay down and you gethttp://thecubemonkeys.blogspot.com/2008/04/clap-happy-for-gift-cards.htmlnoreply@blogger.com (Billy, The Bottom Feeder)0