Menopausal Mother

http://aworkingmomswhoas.blogspot.com/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

dates2diapers2.blogspot.com

www.akashicwindow.blogspot.com

http://theycallmemummy.com

www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com

Teenage Trials And A Trophy

2013-05-06T03:52:00.000-07:00

I am honored today to receive a special award in the blogging community. This is a new one, designed by http://bakinginatornado.com and http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com. I was especially surprised and thrilled to receive this award twice---from Black Sheep Mom and Sarah over at http://themomisodes.com. The rules for the award are simple:

1) Display the trophy on your post.
2) Write a short piece that starts with: I Didn't Kill____Today. It doesn't have to be a person; it can be an appliance, a business, or anything else you choose.
3) Nominate a few people and let them know it's their turn to vent!

I didn't kill my 17 year old today, despite the fact that he is driving me insane. He seems to think our house is the Holiday Inn and I am his personal maid. On any given day, I find a dried-up, glued-on bowl of grits in his bedroom. You could use that crap for wallpaper paste. If I need to find him, all I have to do is follow the littered trail of empty, molding yogurt containers strewn throughout the house. Or I could sniff him out like a bloodhound by the rank smell of dirty socks and sneakers discarded haphazardly in every room.

You can never fully open his bathroom door because of the week's worth of soiled laundry accumulating behind it. There's aways something dark and ominous lurking in the toilet bowl and yellow splash-back on the seat. I think he's marking his territory like a cat.
He demolishes cereal, milk and granola bars like a starved grizzly bear, then leaves the empty cartons and boxes on the self to confuse us. I guess he thinks we have reached the age of dementia and won't notice. When we confront him, he denies eating anything. Unless there are mountain men living in my attic who sneak down to the kitchen and steal our food while we are sleeping, there's no one else to blame but him.

Another thing that drives me to distraction is his unwillingness to change his bedsheets. He hasn't done it in so long, I'm certain a colony of dust mites are breeding there.
Anything that isn't nailed down is fair game to our son, who will permanently "borrow" from us things like a hairbrush, cologne, deodorant, bandaids, shampoo, pens, headphones....He also "borrowed" his father's new bike and wrecked it four times.
It never fails that when I'm trying to take a nap on the weekends, that's the precise moment he decides to conduct a rave in his room with laser lights and blasting techno music.

Lately my boy has become a naturalist/survivalist. He has a collection of Kershaw and Boker knives, and recently bought a Bear Gryll fire starter. The problem is, we live in a metropolitan city. He doesn't need to be burning cotton balls in his bedroom or testing the sharpness of his knives on his expensive, Egyptian cotton sheets. Just this past week after 2 days of torrential rain and flooding, he could be found kayaking down a busy street or being pulled on a knee board by a golf cart at the flooded park. This kid must have nine lives.

I still love my boy with all of my heart, and I'd do anything for him....just as long as he doesn't use our wood frame house as kindling for a camp fire....

Here is a list of bloggers I'd like to pass the trophy to (the rules say a "few" but I'm known to be a rule breaker in these things, plus I'm anxious to see how these bloggers answer the question!).

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com
http://eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com
http://keepinyouout.blogspot.com
http://www.justkeepinitrealfolks.com
http://trashyblog.com
http://dailydoseofdamn.blogspot.com
http://lisanewlin.com
http://smackofhampresents.blogspot.com
http://momrantsandcomfypants.wordpress.com
http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com

***If you are a member of Blogher, could you do Meno Mama a big favor and please throw her some votes in the contest they are sponsoring? It ends May 15 and I could sure use your help! Just click on the 4 links below--those are my blog post entries. Next, just click on "vote" and you're done! Thank you for your love and support! XO

http://blogher.com/meet-my-son-cat-9-lives
http://blogher.com/box-1
http://blogher.com/i-need-what
http://blogher.com/how-annoy-your-childre

The Birds And The Bees

2013-05-03T03:59:00.000-07:00

Today Meno Mama is stepping outside of her comfort zone and talking about the dreaded three letter word that might make some of her readers a bit squeamish....S-E-X. Who better than Lanthie at http://www.lifecherries.com/2013/05/the-birds-and-bees.html to help me with this blog post? I met Lanthie over a year ago in the blogosphere and we hit it off from the very beginning. She writes a slightly risqué blog about her life adventures and is the mother of FOUR boys (God bless her!). What I love most about Lanthie is her spunk, spontaneity and love for anything quirky and fun. She is very comfortable in her own skin and not afraid to speak her mind, especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.

We decided to do a fun experiment today by swapping a list of 10 sexy little questions we had to answer about ourselves. Perhaps we are divulging more information than we should in the blogosphere; you may be nodding your head in agreement or laughing at our expense...that's okay, we can handle it. We have survived raising teenagers and now we're both menopausal--NOTHING bothers us anymore.
After you read Lanthie's answers to the questions, please hop on over to her site to find out all of Meno Mama's dirty little secrets.....and then I will have to brainwash you somehow into forgetting everything you learned about me.....

*****WARNING!!! THIS BLOG POST HAS NOT YET BEEN RATED!!!!*****

Hi there to those of you who have popped over from my blog. Marcia and I met just after she started blogging and we became great friends over the past year---long enough to tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets.

We have been talking about doing a collaborative post of sorts for awhile and finally agreed to share this list of 10 questions. For those of you who don't know me - please pop over to my blog and read Meno Mama's answers (they may surprise you!) and please don't be shy about leaving a comment! I hope you'll hop over every now and then to join me in re-discovering my sexuality after bringing up 4 boys.

I'm so excited about guesting on Meno Mama's blog, so without further ado, here is my half of the questions and answers:

1). What turns you on most about the opposite sex?

Honesty, a sense of humor and someone who can challenge me intellectually. On the shallow side----great abs and a tight ass! And let's not forget penis pointers.....

2). How would you indicate to a man that you were interested in him?
Up close--- smile, look him in the eyes and hang on every word he says (what man wouldn't appreciate this?). From a distance---smile and stare! Via social networking---light banter and a LOT of cyber flirting!

3). What was your worst date?
In the 10th grade I was asked to the Matric Dance (the equivalent of your proms in the U.S.) by a guy in our church. I was very religious way back then. He was a goody two- shoes type of guy and an absolute gentleman. He was also a sommelier at an upscale restaurant. I spent the whole night bored to death and I don’t think we said two words to each other. He was too busy trying to be the perfect gentleman and showing off his wine skills (which did nothing to impress a 14/15 year old). I was also wearing a borrowed dress which didn’t fit well around my boobs---I was constantly tugging at the dress so that he couldn't see my bra sticking out.

4). What is your most embarrassing or funny romantic encounter?
This has to be when the hubby and I were in the throes of passion, heating up the bedsheets. Our oldest son was 2 years old at the time, and we were still new at the whole lock- the -door- thing. Our little boy was unable to reach any door handles...or so we thought. While we were mating like rabbits, we were suddenly stopped in our tracks by a little voice at the foot of the bed asking, “Mommy, is daddy hurting you?”

5). What was your worst sex flop experience?
One of my high school boyfriends and I were getting amorous for the first time in my bedroom after school one day. My parents worked, so I was always home alone. The boyfriend had just taken off my bra and his mouth was sampling my assets...when suddenly my dad walked in! He had come home early that day because he wasn’t feeling well. Needless to say, I was still a virgin for quite a while after that!

6). Where is the most public place you have had a romantic encounter?
I used to catch the train to high school when I lived in Cape Town and I met a guy who went to a nearby college. We had to catch different trains from the same station, but eventually became very friendly there---making out at the station. We made sure we were always early for our morning train so that we could have a quick groping session. I think this was probably my first oral experience....

7). Favorite time of day for a little romance?
Anytime! Well, that's the answer I would have given you years ago before life got so hectic. Now I try to make time for a little romance early in the morning before my brain wakes up and the never ending To-Do list kicks in.

8). What's the sexiest thing you have ever done?
Take up Belly Dancing! I have never felt sexier. Trust me---every woman needs to pick up this hobby...for obvious reasons!

9). How many times have you been in love? Is there "the one who got away"?
I could name at least 10 guys (or should I say boys) whom I thought I "loved" before the age of 14! I even remember my "first love" –- a 7 year old boy in Grade 2. He was blond, beautiful and had a scar on his ear. He was known for going around the playground and kissing all the girls. He never kissed me, but I spent many a day writing him love notes and dreaming about him. Then after the age of 14 there were probably around 3 or 4 serious relationships. There isn’t a “one that got away” since I ended up marrying "the one."

10). What is your ideal date?
Let’s just say it involves Johnny Depp and a box of Cadbury’s Crème Eggs!

Hope you enjoyed our little question swap! Feel free to leave us a comment on one of your interesting "encounters." Please be sure to visit my site next and see how Meno Mama handled these same questions....you won't be disappointed! http://www.lifecherries.com/2013/05/the-birds-and-bees.html

***Meno Mama has a BIG favor to ask her readers! If you are a member of the Blogher community, could you please share the love and throw this girl a few votes in the Blogher Voices 2013 contest? I have entered 4 blog posts in the contest (ones that you know and love). It's as easy as clicking on the 4 links below and then just clicking on "vote" when it comes up on the page. BOOM you're done. It's just a one time deal and it ends May 15. This would mean the world to me if you could take a few minutes to do it! Thanks for sharing the love and support! XOXO

http://www.blogher.com/meet-my-son-cat-9-lives
http://www.blogher.com/box-1
http://www.blogher.com/i-need-what
http://www.blogher.com/how-annoy-your-children

Oh Rats!

2013-04-26T03:48:00.000-07:00

I like rodents. I feed squirrels by hand in my garden and have a menagerie of nocturnal critters in my home. At one point our family owned 2 albino rats, a sugar glider (flying squirrel), 7 chinchillas, a hedgehog and one lard ass rabbit....proof that I do indeed like rodents. I do NOT, however, like the uninvited ones who take a detour into my house. I grew up watching horror movies like Willard and Ben, and like every child from that era, had nightmares of rats descending on my body, gnawing off a limb or two, picking my bones clean.

Imagine my surprise recently when I came home from the gym, stripped down for a shower and hopped onto my bed for a quick peek at Facebook....when the unthinkable occurred. Something gray scurried across my bedroom floor. My hands froze on the keyboard. What the hell was THAT? I waited a moment....but nothing happened. Just my imagination playing tricks on me. I resumed typing. Wait...what was that rustling sound in the corner? I ignored it.

And then that terrible moment when I looked up from my laptop and saw IT----the black sheep cousin of the squirrel family----a gray rat staring up at me.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!"

The rat seemed equally horrified to see me in my birthday suit and quickly darted under the dresser (I briefly wondered if my being naked might have that effect on humans, too). Holy hell in a hand basket! I'm the Squirrel Whisperer, not a Rat Whisperer!

"Ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd!!!" Of course no one else was home to catch the vile creature, because this is typically the kind of crap that always happens just to me. I was suddenly cast in the sequel to Willard and I knew the outcome wasn't going to be good.

My heart was racing as I furiously typed a message to my Facebook friends: "HEEELP MEEE!" Moments later, that rat bastard scurried out again, took one look at me and dashed under the bed----right beneath me.

There I was, perched naked on my bed like a stone gargoyle, terrified of dipping one toe off the mattress.....afraid Willard might gnaw on it.

I'm not sure how long I stayed that way, but the messages came pouring in on my Facebook page:

"Get a frying pan and kill that little bastard...but be sure to video tape it..."

"What? No! Gross! Oh GAWD, I can hear it making scritchety, scratchety sounds."

"That's your baby rat, snickering under your bed, trying to find a way to crawl up there and visit you."

"NOOOOO!"

"He's making a nest in your box spring."

"You are NOT helping the situation! Seriously, I need to get in the shower now. If you don't hear from me again, Willard killed me..."

"Where's that bad-ass pug of yours? He'll get the rat."

"My pug wears a diaper---what does THAT tell you?"

"If you had a ferret like I used to, he'd maul the rat."

"I can't even get off my bed! How in holy hell am I supposed to get to the pet store to buy a ferret?"

"You'll have to move or burn down the house..."

"Get some industrial sized, ass-kicking boots!"

"I'm going to sick my ninja chinchillas on the rat. I know that damn stalker rodent is still in the house, somewhere..."

"I think your chinchillas will just party down with him. They might even show him where all the good munchies are."

" How am I going to sleep in my room tonight? Totally skeeved here..."

Rather than live in fear every time I entered my bedroom, I tried to think of the rat as a sweet natured rodent straight out of a Beatrix Potter tale. I named him Edgar and I imagined him hanging out with

Peter The Rabbit in a tiny blue vest with reading glasses on his nose as he sipped tea and read the stacks of trashy romance novels stashed under my bed. I assumed he'd make a soft bed out of the dust motes that swirled around the corners of my room and live off the stale crusts of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that my son was so fond of leaving around the house. But every night when I went to bed, I pulled the covers over my head and prayed that I would not wake to little rat hands twisting my hair into a comfy nest.

A week later I discovered a horrible odor emanating from my laundry room. Someone suggested that perhaps it was the stink of sweaty gym clothes left in the laundry basket, or that maybe my teenaged son hadn't showered in awhile. But I knew immediately what I was dealing with----rat zombie stench. Edgar had donned his little, white Elvis suit and left the building. Sure enough---behind the washing machine we discovered a fuzzy, little carcass chillin' with eleven pairs of socks that had mysteriously disappeared from the laundry in 2009.

Au Revoir Edgar, and may you find true happiness in that great big cheese ball in the sky.

Fly On The Wall in The Asylum

2013-04-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my fourth posting of the Fly On The Wall series, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 12 courageous bloggers participating today, and they're allowing you a little peak into their private lives.
My family is wising up to my sneaky ways and I'll admit, it's getting a little more difficult to eavesdrop on their conversations. However, they haven't figured out yet that I am a dog whisperer. My bad ass pug is really a spy who picks up their conversations and then reports everything back to me. But he also has the worst gas known to mankind and can clear a room in three seconds flat. Here are some snippets of conversation he texted me from his iBone phone:

"Why is there a pirate patch in the laundry? Somebody doing some kinky role playing?"

Channeling Lady Gaga on my birthday, with all my girls in costume

"Hurry up and eat your bacon before it turns back into a pig."

"Menopausal Flogging---it's what men during the medieval period did to their wives when they were going through menopause and misbehaving."

One kid in a bad mood...while the other makes fun of her

"Watching you prepare your Chinese takeout food on a dinner plate is like watching the Pope preparing the Holy Sacrament."

"You don't need weight training---I'll bet your right arm is already huge from opening the refrigerator door so many times."

Life's a joy ride when you hang with the Doyles

" I want a free, catheter sample pack for Father's day!"

"He doesn't have toenails. He has gnome nails."

"Since there was no such thing as hot flash or mood swing remedies back in caveman days, I'll bet the neanderthals offered suspicious herbs to their wives and told them to smoke it in order to relax."
"Either that or they rubbed their wives down with poison ivy to distract them."

Yeah, I'd be embarrassed, too...

"Yes, our goat-dog ate part of a tin can lid, reading glasses, a plastic container and his own poop. We believe in recycling here."

Yes. I actually own one of these ugly ass t-shirts

"You're not a mom anymore. Your kids are all grown."
"So what does that make me, a faux mom?"

"There's holes in the underarms of all my t-shirts."
"That's because your stink blew them out!"

"If gnomes get mad, are they called 'gnow-mads'? "

"When that kid poops, the whole house smells like he dropped a Hiroshima odor bomb!"

A typical night at the Doyle house. Always a mask involved

"Getting my wife to sit still is like trying to trap an angry badger."

"Stop hanging out with kids who try to duct tape your legs together!"

"Why do you have so many masks?"
"They match all my different personalities."
"Or you're a Zorro wanna-be."

Meno Mama likes to rock the mask

"Why the hell did you buy the dog a pig's ear to gnaw on? He keeps dropping that slimy thing in my lap."
"You should be used to slimy things in your lap. And besides, you know you can't get mad at him--he's pugalicious..."

Confused, ancient Seminole wanna-be

"Could you please stop singing Kumbaya in the voice of the cowardly lion from the Wizard Of Oz? You're giving me a Kumbaya headache."

After spending a day in the asylum I call home, you'll either want a bottle of tequila or a lobotomy.....or maybe just a free, catheter sample pack....

Here are the 12 bloggers participating today in Fly On The Wall. Give them some sugar and tell them that Meno Mama sent ya!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

http://www.tinystepsmommy.com

http://www.outsmartedmommy.com

www.therowdybaker.com

Meno Mama In Wonderland

2013-04-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's Secret Subject Swap day again, the brain child of Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt today comes from one of my favorite blogging buddies, Sarah at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. And oh boy, did she nail me on this! The prompt question is: "A video just went viral on YouTube. You were in it! Tell the story in whatever manner you wish, such as: How did this happen? What was in the video? What was your reaction?"
It's that time again---Secret Subject Swap Friday, the brain child of Karen at

I wrote a really good post for this, scouts honor, but my dog ate it. Yes Teacher, the dog ate my homework. No, I did not store my post in my computer. I wrote it on a yellow note pad because my real name is Wilma Flintstone.

Seeing as I couldn't retrieve my muse from the dog's butt, I had to start all over again. So gather around, children; Meno Mama has a fairytale to share with you. And no, I did NOT write an opium-induced story like Lewis Carroll. Mine just involved copious amounts of alcohol.

It was a restless night of hot flashes and tangled sheets for Meno Mama. A white rabbit appeared by her bed and whispered in her ear, "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!"

"Give me the key to unlock this menopausal hell," Meno Mama said, "and I'll follow you anywhere!"

The rabbit whipped out a bottle of Grey Goose with a label on it that read, "Drink Me", and promised it would solve all of her menopausal problems. After Meno Mama swallowed a few shots and felt all warm and fuzzy inside, that sneaky rabbit pulled a camera out of his vest pocket and started filming her. "Just a little video montage for posterity," he smirked.

That Grey Goose worked its magic because somehow Meno Mama was able to squeeze her ass through a tiny door in a tree that led to a Prozac-induced Wonderland where everybody was sucking on Dilly Bars.

The rabbit left her standing in a garden of red and white roses that were tucked among rows of flowering Cadbury Eggs. As Meno Mama was stuffing her cheeks with chocolate like a crazed hamster, she noticed a hookah-smoking caterpillar filming her in mid-bite.
Obviously he didn't respect the fact that NO woman wants to be filmed while she's cheating on her diet. Meno Mama began to protest but the caterpillar interrupted, warning her that if she wasn't the original Menopausal Mother, the Queen Of Hearts was going to chop off her head. Meno Mama wondered how she could prove her true identity. Should she show the queen her lifetime supply of hormone replacement therapy pills or just let her majesty move in for a week and observe first hand the constant, menopausal bitch mode she'd fallen into lately?

Looking above her head, Meno Mama saw a fat, Cheshire cat sitting in a tree. That dude had a smile on his face straight out of a Cheech and Chong movie. Meno Mama believed he was grinning so wide because he was smoking a suspicious looking cigar and had probably taken a titanic size dump in the litter box.

You think it's weird now? That crazy cat led Meno Mama to the wonky, Mad Hatter, who winked at her and she swore she saw Johnny Depp in his calico eyes. He poured her some yum yum in a
chipped tea cup, which after one sip, her refined tastebuds identified as a Long Island Iced Tea. They munched on chocolate scones and gossiped about that ratchet Queen Of Hearts. This pleased the Mad Hatter, causing him to jump up and do the Fudderwupping dance. Even though Meno Mama was chocolate wasted, she grabbed his hand and joined the dance.

The Queen Of Hearts interrupted their fun and challenged Meno Mama to a game of croquet. Little did she know that Meno Mama was a champion ball buster, and being defeated by a common blogger did not sit well with the queen.

"Off with her head!"

"If you kill me, " Meno Mama said, "you'll never discover the Fountain Of Youth."

The queen raised one bushy, black eyebrow and sized up the competition. "You look too young and you act too young to be menopausal. I don't believe you're who you claim to be. Slay the Jabberwocky of middle-age mayhem and I'll be able to live for eternity, never to grow old...and yes, if I must, I'll spare your life." Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee clapped with glee and munched on liverwurst and jellybean sandwiches. Clearly they had failed every mental aptitude test ever given to them.
Meno Mama met the Jabberwocky on a rocky mountainside that led to the gates of Menopausal Hell. This beast was not the fierce dragon she had been expecting; the Jabberwocky was lounging in
her cave in a tattered bathrobe and floppy-eared bunny slippers. Dark circles formed crescent moons under her eyes as she stared dully at a repeat episode of Jerry Springer on TV. Her coffee cup was empty but the ash tray was full, and crumpled beer cans littered the cave floor. The place was a dump. Her scales had lost their lovely, aqua hue and her claws were in dire need of a manicure.
"If you've come to slay me, " the Jabberwocky said, "be my guest. At least that way I'll finally catch up on my sleep without anymore hot flashes to keep me awake all night."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" cried Meno Mama. "I was expecting a fire-breathing beast!"
"Honey, the only time I breathe fire is when there's too many jalapeños in my chili. Even then, it's not just my breath that's on fire." A deep sigh rumbled in her chest. "I'm old. I'm tired. I need a vacation. I need a Xanax."
"The only thing wrong with you is that you're menopausal and you've let this whole, middle age thing go to your head. Now get your scaly ass off that nasty couch and come with me, Sista!"
It took some doing, but after a week of spa treatments, zumba classes, psychotherapy and a six month supply of Prozac, the Jabberwocky's attitude adjustment restored peace to the kingdom of Wonderland. The Queen Of Hearts envied the renewed youthfulness of the Jabberwocky and ordered her minion deck of cards to destroy the dragon. The good people of Wonderland had lived long enough
under the bitter reign of the queen and gladly banished her from the kingdom. Before the guards dragged her away, the queen glared at Meno Mama one last time. "You're still an imposter!" she hissed. "You're too young to be a Menopausal Mother!"
Meno Mama leaned close to the queen's ear and whispered, "And that, dear lady, is what you have been missing all along. Age is but a number. Beauty and youth are found within a heart that stays true!"
As the soldiers led the shrewish woman away, Meno Mama was crowned the Queen Of
Wonderland. Snippets of her success story appeared first on YouTube, became an overnight hit, and was then made into a documentary that appeared on the Lifetime Movie Network.
Once Meno Mama settled into her new role as the Queen Of Hearts, she banned all rabbit slippers and liverwurst and jellybean sandwiches from Wonderland. And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after.
The moral of the story? If you drink too much Grey Goose, you'll end up following a wild hare. And never, EVER leave a hand written blog post near a goat--dog. He'll be pooping your muse for weeks to come!

Now please go give the other bloggers participating today in the Secret Subject Swap some sugar!

****In case you missed it, Menopausal Mother was the featured guest on the Messy Moms Radio show on 4/11/13. You can still hear the funny interview if you click on this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/messymomsradio/2013/04/11/how-many-kids-and-counting

SSS Bloggers:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.peanutlayne.com/

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

www.homeonderanged.com

http://victoryrosevintage.wordpress.com

dates2diapers2.blogspot.com

http://badwordmama.blogspot.com/

http://mylifeaslucille.blogspot.com/

Radio Mama

2013-04-11T04:37:00.000-07:00

Meno Mama stayed up with the owls last night, not because of a hot flash, but a news flash! I'm a guest this morning on MessyMoms Radio! I know you are shaking your heads in denial about my new title as a Messy Mom, but just because I organize my spice rack alphabetically doesn't mean that my closets are neat or that my desk drawer doesn't look like rodents have been nesting in there for years. Hey, I'm not perfect---no mother is, and that's the message MessyMoms Radio wants you to know.
I'll be interviewed by Danielle and Brandy, the awesome ladies who created the show and share their wisdom of messy motherhood with others. They tackle a wide variety of topics such as new mom stress, sibling rivalry, the chemicals in cleaning supplies, gun ownership, the American education system and much more.
Messy Moms also sends a clear message to all the mothers out there who are struggling to "do it all" and "be all": Got a load of laundry taller than Mount Vesuvius, or tooth paste splatter on the mirror resembling a Jackson Pollock painting? Fuggedaboudit! Go outside and toss a ball with your kids, or build a blanket tent under the dining room table. Life is messy, but the mess can wait. You're children won't. Enjoy these special moments with them now while they're still young. And if you're lucky, when they're teenagers, they can help you pick up the mess!

Tune in on Thursday, April 11 from 10:00am -11:00am to hear the show. If you miss it, check out the archives to hear it again! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/messymomsradio/2013/04/11/how-many-kids-and-counting For more information, visit their blog at: http://www.messymomsradio.com
Know any other messy moms who like to confess about their mess? Nominate them (or even yourself!) by visiting the site.

Meet My Son: The Cat With 9 Lives

2013-04-05T03:49:00.000-07:00

There's one in every family. The prankster. The one who gives us gray hairs. The one who breaks our heart, then turns around and mends it with his unconditional love. The one you stare at, scratch your head and say, "Are you my child or was I impregnated by an alien during a UFO abduction I can't recall?"
Yeah, that's my youngest child. He pulled his first prank by making his appearance into this world several weeks early, disrupting my delivery of 80 Thanksgiving cookies to the local elementary school.
He was a sweet baby until he figured out what his legs were for. Overnight my Passive Prince sprouted octopus arms and roving hands. My reigning title as "The Good Mother" quickly changed to my Indian name, She-Who-Drinks-And-Swears-A-Lot. There wasn't a baby gate or door my Baby Terminator couldn't conquer. He never played with toys. He liked forks. And electrical outlets. He was like a drug sniffing dog when it came to finding sharp objects, poisonous bug repellents and frayed wires. You know you have a problem when your kid giggles over a little jolt of electricity running through his body. I never thought he'd live to see his second birthday.

When you take this kind of picture of your kid, there are bound to be repercussions

My son also had a quick temper (no clue where THAT came from). It simmered beneath a calm exterior until he was ready to strike like a cobra at his unsuspecting victims. No one was safe from the objects this miniature Hulk could hurl across the room----irons, dictionaries, toasters, a large Barbie car....even worse, his frequent attempts to baptize us with the dirty, brown water off of a used, toilet brush. I thought for certain his three, older siblings would kill him before he saw his third birthday.

Sir Poops A Lot was turning into my rebel child, and there were not enough parenting manuals in the world to teach me how to handle a kid who risked is life on a daily basis. His experiments with fire, electricity and odd ball inventions were enough to keep me homebound for years.

His sisters wanted a baby girl, or a Cabbage Patch Kid, so they dressed him accordingly

My son dislocated his shoulder as a baby and fractured his wrist when he was five from a fall off a swing. Fast forward to elementary school when the principal called to tell me my child thought it was a good idea to bring a knife to school for show and tell. Yeah, I must have missed that memo about my husband's BRILLIANT idea to give our little boy a camping knife (man cave secrets, be damned!).

During the God-awful middle school years, my son wore the low slung jeans with the torn hems dragging on the ground. Gangsta Boy. I threatened to burn the pants....while he was still in them. Late to class one morning, he ran to beat the bell and tripped over those pants...just like I knew he would. Off we went to the hospital to have a metal screw put into his damaged hip bone. Needless to say, his wardrobe only consisted of shorts after paying that hefty medical bill.

When he was 14, my son decided to run away, rather than face being grounded for a poor report card. That afternoon when he didn't return home after school, I was suddenly thrust into the surreal world of every parent's worst nightmare; my son had simply vanished from sight. For hours the police and county officials swarmed our house and scoured the area for our boy. There is nothing more frightening than receiving an Amber Alert on your phone about your own, missing child. And nothing more heartbreaking than watching his father fall to his knees in our backyard garden, begging God to safely return our son home.
After many agonizing hours of nail biting, tears, pacing and bargaining with God, the police found our boy on a Greyhound Bus bound for Orlando. They said we were lucky that he survived the trip unscathed. My prior fear turned into a confused tangle of relief and outrage over what my son had done. I felt the little hairs on my head turning whiter by the minute.
Since that fretful day several years ago, we made some major changes in our son's life that drastically improved his behavior and attitude.

Music and weight lifting are his passion now, and his sense of humor and enthusiasm is what often gets me through the day. He is strong as an ox and very protective of his mother.
But this cat is still pushing the envelope on the nine lives thing. Just in the past 6 months, he was injured in biking accident when he collided with another cyclist. Shortly after that, he was hit by a car while biking down to the beach. The car suffered more damage than my son---it was no match for my Arnold Schwarzenegger offspring.
It was the last incident, however, that threatened to turn my hair completely white and send me into cardiac arrest. Another one of of my husband's BRILLIANT ideas was to give our boy a special pellet gun that looked exactly like an AK47. My son was out front shooting targets on the sidewalk---probably not the smartest idea since we live only a few doors down from a school and this occurred shortly after the Sandy Hook incident. My peaceful afternoon was shattered by the sound of screeching tires and a loud voice booming from a megaphone, "DROP THE GUN AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR!" Our street was barricaded by four police cars and six officers, one with a gun drawn on my son. I stood by the window, frozen in horror as my boy slowly lowered the gun and walked backwards down the sidewalk with his hands held high in the air. In a flash, one of the officers snapped handcuffs on his wrists. There was that brief moment when our eyes met through the window, and I could see the fear and bewilderment in his eyes. I couldn't move---my legs felt like wet noodles---but my husband had already rushed out the door to quickly explain that it was just a pellet gun, not an assault rifle.
While I stood on the porch, wondering if anyone knew CPR to resuscitate my heart, my husband was busy JOKING with the police, telling them they could keep our son for a few days because the cost of feeding him rivaled that of feeding the entire Chicago Bears football team.

I never know what my boy will think up next to keep himself entertained. Which is why I shudder every time he climbs into a car with his friends. Although he is often the typical, unpredictable and annoying teenager, he is also loyal, loving, artistic, compassionate....and best of all, he knows how to operate a lawn mower, vacuum, dishwasher, washing machine and the grill. His uniqueness is what makes him one of the most fascinating people I know, and I'm proud to call him my son.
By my calculations, he still hasn't used up all nine lives....and I'm still sprouting gray hairs.

And The Award Goes To....

2013-03-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

You know what I love about living in the blogosphere (besides the virtual cups of coffee, giant chocolate bars and margaritas we send each other)? Most bloggers are NICE PEOPLE. They visit your site, get comfortable on your couch and share their witty comments on your page. They are a talented bunch who fearlessly share their secrets and dreams, along with their most embarrassing moments just for our entertainment. And they love to share their appreciation of other bloggers by nominating their peers for various awards, or featuring them on their sites and retweeting their statuses. Not only am I pleased to be able to share some awards today with my fellow bloggers, I'd also like to give a big shout-out to Sandra over at http://www.awriterweavesatale.com who just launched her online magazine, The Woven Tale Press, at http://issuu.com/awriterweavesatale/docs/woventaleissue_1. I am honored that she chose one of my posts to appear in her beautiful literary magazine. When you get a chance, please be sure to check out Sandra's blog and subscribe to her magazine!

Now, onto the awards.....the first one I received was the Liebster. I was actually given this one twice by two amazing bloggers: Darla from Mom's World at: http://camomsworld.blogspot.com and Angela at: http://mylifeinthenutthouse.blogspot.com. Normally this award is reserved for a blogger who has less than 200 followers. I'm well over that limit, but I'm accepting these Liebsters because it gives me the ability to return the love to some bloggers who are new to me and who deserve some love. As with any award, there are certain rules that apply to the Liebster:

1. Each nominee must post 11 facts about themselves.
2. Nominees must answer 11 questions the tagger has given to them, and then create 11 new ones to pass down to the bloggers they then nominate.
3. Display award logo on your site and link back to the person who gave it to you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award on to and link them in your post.
5. Notify your nominees.

Rather than answer Darla's 11 questions and another 11 from Angela, I'm going to shorten this by combining some of their questions for your sake, so you don't fall into a coma while reading this lengthy post. Here they are:

1. What Time Do You Normally Go To Bed? I don't. I'm nocturnal. I was raised by owls.

2. Do You Like Men With Hairy Chests Or Smooth Chests? Wait, what? Seriously? If you must know, I like both. I'm far more interested in the look, shape and feel of a man's hands.

3. Do You Have Any Collections? If you have to ask this, then you haven't been reading my blog. My house is overrun with squirrel paraphernalia. Toss in a bunch of dragons, too, and you get the picture. Obviously both of my feet are NOT planted firmly in reality.

4. What Kind Of Music Do You Listen To? I like old school rock, top 40, country, classical...but I need to listen to dubstep while I clean the house. Currently, my all time fave song is Swedish House Mafia's "Don't You Worry Child". I like to listen to it while I work out at the gym.

5. Did You Go To College, And If So, Did You Graduate? Yes--four years and graduated with a
B.F.A. in Creative Writing. I attended a private women's college in Missouri (my parents knew a hell raiser when they saw one, and decided it would be for my own good to be sheltered away in a school that still had dorm curfews). Little did they know that I spent the majority of my time across the street at the University Of Missouri.....raising hell, just a they feared.

6. Are You Happy With The Way You Life Is Going Now? As much as any middle-aged, menopausal woman can be. But I'd be a lot happier if you sent me a box of chocolates. Oh, and yellow roses. Those are my favorites, too....just in case you needed to know....

7. What's Your Most Frustrating Moment In The Morning? Putting in my contacts. They feel like sandpaper going in and I cuss like a gutter rat every time I do it.

8. What's The Best Job You Have Ever Had? When I was filling in at Poet Magazine as a judge for a poetry chapbook competition.

9. What Is The Worst Job You Ever Had? That's a toss up between telephone operator and dental assistant. Trust me, you don't want to start off your day with a warm, gooey set of dentures in your hand.

10. Why Did You Start Blogging? It was either that or be a Chia Pet assembler.

11. What Do You Like Most About A Man? Humor. Nice hands. And the eyes. I'm a sucker for brown eyes. The make me want to swoon.

11 FUN MENO MAMA FACTS (I've done this stuff so many times now, I think y'all know me better than my own family...certainly more than my kids EVER want to know about me)

* I'm hypoglycemic. I never leave the house without a protein bar in my purse, car or pocket.

* I hate driving. I'd be totally content with a horse and buggy, but only if it comes with air conditioning.

* I'm a really good cook and baker---I just can't eat any of it or else I'll swell up like the Michelin Man.

* The majority of the clothes in my closet are black. Not because I'm goth---because they're slimming.

* I have some colorful ancestors in my family tree, including George Armstrong Custer and Robert R. Livingston.

* I studied hypnosis years ago and am pretty good at it. I used to hypnotize all my friends. It made things pretty interesting around here.

* My husband was adopted---I tracked down his birth mother years ago and helped arrange of them to meet.

* I have a weird fascination with anything related to WWI . I am also a Titanic enthusiast.

* I like cowboys and country boys. I've been heavily influenced by Tim McGraw...what female wouldn't be?

* I don't ride roller coasters. Even Splash Mountain at Disney World is a stretch for me.

Still with me? Here's the 11 questions for the nominees:

1. What's the dumbest thing you've done in the past 6 months?
2. What's your all-time favorite movie and why?
3. What do you consider attractive in a person?
4. What is the one food you've eaten too much of and gotten sick on?
5. What is one of your biggest regrets?
6. What is the ugliest outfit you've ever worn?
7. What's the worst haircut you've ever had?
8. Have you ever owned a Chia Pet or a Pet Rock?
9. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? If so, how fast where you going?
10. Have you ever had a bodily function accident while you were out in public?
11. What's your worst phobia?

FINALLY!! Here are my 11 nominees for the Liebster Award:

http://momrantsandcomfypants.wordpress.com
http://traciwhitingisley.blogspot.com
http://gailsforum.com
http://outsmartedmommy.com
http://awriterweavesatale.com
http://suzq-vintagous.blogspot.com
http://mjrockbottom.blogspot.com
http://kyleandjensmith.blogspot.com
http://www.sippycupsandbooze.com
http://bohemianbabushka.blogspot.com
http://simplyathomemom.com

My next award is the Very Inspiring Award from Gail over at http://Gailsforum.com. Thanks, Gail! Hang in there, folks--this is an easy one. Here's the rules:

1. Display award logo on blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you the award.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them.

7 MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA

* I never got asked to my senior prom. No regrets. Spent the evening raising hell with my gal pals in downtown Ft.Lauderdale.

* I'm obsessed with the moon, but not in a creepy, werewolf sort of way. I don't howl at it or sprout
unruly facial hair.

* I almost named my blog, "Margarita Mama." Yes, I love tequila. Don't judge.

* My house and backyard garden are inhabited by friendly "spirits," and I don't mean the alcoholic kind. Don't ask.

* I'm an old-fashioned kind of woman who would love to be June Cleaver for a day because I could really rock the apron, pearls and high heels look.

* My pug licks everybody's knee caps when they sit down on the couch.

* I'd sell my left kidney right now for a Cadbury Egg. I'm dieting, people! What do you expect???

And the 15 bloggers I nominate of this award are:

http://mylifeinthenutthouse.blogspot.com
http://morethanmommies.net
http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com
http://janinehuldie.com
http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com
http://camomsworld.blogspot.com
http://mjrockbottom.blogspot.com
http://smn0409.blogspot.com
http://www.stephaniesprenger.com
http://www.momlessmom.com
http://traciwhitingisley.blogspot.com
http://www.newenglishmuminamerica.com
http://mt2sm.blogspot.com
http://slusworld.blogspot.com
http://jeneralinsanity.com

This last award is fairly new, the Epically Awesome Award, and I received it from one of the funniest bloggers I know and whom I refer to as "Ham Girl" (she knows why). Thank you, Sarah, at:
http://sadderbutwisergirl.wordpress.com. The rules are also easy for this one:

1. Display award logo.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 10 things about you.
4. Nominate 10 other bloggers.

THE LAST 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MENO MAMA:

* I'm a renaissance festival freak. I never miss a weekend when the show is in town, and I own 4 different gowns for the occasion. HUZZAH!

* I love to dance, but seldom get the chance. I joined a gym recently and go to zumba classes. Yeah, this dinosaur can still get low & booty shake with the rest of the ladies in the class!

* I fell in love with dragons when I was little because of the Puff The Magic Dragon song. Still makes me sad when I hear it.

* Meno Mama has a dark side few people have seen...trust me, you don't want to....bwhahaha!

* I have a terrible fear of drowning. I can't look at a picture of a tidal wave without getting slightly nauseous. No surfing for Meno Mama.

* I wish I had been a teenager in the 1950's just so I could drive around in a pink, 1956 T-bird. One of these days I plan on owning one.

* I purposely try to fatten up everyone who comes to my house to eat. I'm often mistaken for an Italian mother...

* Sometimes I laugh about things at inopportune moments...and then I can't stop. Awkward....

* I love carnivals---the games, the candied apples and the fast rides..as long as my feet don't leave the ground.

Now, the Epically Awesome bloggers I nominate of this award are:

http://www.rantingseriously.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
http://keepinyouout.blogspot.com
http://badwordmom.blogspot.com
http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://lettersfromlaunna.blogspot.com
http://www.myhalfassedlife.com
http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

Congratulations to each of you, and to my dear readers if you actually made it all the way to the end of the post without falling into a coma. Now go sprinkle your love on some other, deserving bloggers!

Fly On The Wall: Life In A Looney Bin

2013-03-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my third group blog posting of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com There are 13 bloggers courageous enough to ~~spill their guts~~ participate today in this little exercise in embarrassment.
Whenever I know a Fly On The Wall posting is due, I go into stealth mode and listen in on family conversations. One of these days they're going to change all the locks on the house and leave my suitcases outside filled with nothing but dirty under ware.
There are certain things in our home that we WISH we could update/trade/ban for eternity, but we can't because the lottery fairy has not graced us with good luck. Just a free can of soda every now and then from the Quick Mart. We would LOVE to put ol' Bessy out to pasture and buy a new vehicle that actually has door handles, hubcaps and doesn't smell like dog pee. But for now, the old mommy mobile (which I stopped driving years ago when the air conditioner croaked and the liner started shedding like snakeskin) is here to stay a bit longer until somebody hits the right numbers on a lottery ticket. Poor Bessy has been the brunt of many bad jokes and teenage rejection/horror/embarrassment:

"I'm not driving the stupid minivan. It's so old, it looks like a hemorrhoid on wheels."

"Why is the van lurching at stop lights?"
"Because that's what's called the death march of the Honda Odyssey."

"Even though you're a guy, you'd look a whole lot sexier in that mommy mobile if you weren't gnawing on a steak bone while driving down the highway."

"The transmission is about to drop out of the minivan. Don't blame me if it happens today with the kids at the drive-through zoo when we get stuck in the rhino section during feeding time."

Then there are things I overhear when all my adult children are in town visiting. Which is why I keep pen and paper nearby at all times. They think I suffer from menopausal memory loss and assume I'm just writing down items for the grocery list. Uh-huh. Somehow the conversations in our home always turn weird. And gross. If you have a strong stomach, then read on. Don't say I didn't warn you.

"I've heard of butt floss before but this dog puts a whole new spin on it when he eats dental floss and poops out a connected trail of sausage links."

"Stop speaking with a Jamaican accent. You weren't born in the Caribbean. You were dropped in the middle of a cornfield in Missouri when the mother ship rejected you."

"I drank too much whiskey last night. I feel like a piece of burnt toast that has been sitting out on the counter all week and gnawed on by rabid gerbils."

"You like your pets better than you like your kids."
"Damn right, because they don't talk back."

"I'm so impacted that even my breath smells like crap."
"Then go give yourself a mouthwash enema."

"Why is the dog stalking me?"
"You're eating a steak. He's in predator mode."

"You need to stop being an emotional doormat."
"I don't mind, as long as I get free margaritas out of it."

"She always rubs her corns on his feet when they go to bed. She says she's making corn dip."

"Forget Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You have a case of Irritable Spouse Syndrome."

" Go brush your hair---nocturnal creatures are nesting in there."

"Why do you look like a Viking who just woke up after slaying a village?"

"I just sucked down that icy drink so fast, I think my colon is frozen."

"Every morning I end up behind the same, red truck on the way to work. The driver has a nasty sign across the back window that reads, 'Cummin' not strokin'.' Is this a bad omen?"
"Not unless you plan on marrying him."

"I don't see how you can get drunk all day during the game, gorge on junk food, and then do it all over again at night."
"Easily. I have a billy goat belly."

"I have to poop so bad, I'm going to start doing the Harlem Poop Shake."

Welcome to the Looney Bin I call home! Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in the Fly today!

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

http://mybrainonkids.net/

www.therowdybaker.com

http://www.findingfelicity.com

http://caramelliving.blogspot.com/

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3764454/?claim=chft3xeypnx">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

I Need A What?

2013-03-15T03:48:00.000-07:00

A colonoscopy. The scary "C" word. Something I have been putting off for two years. This is what you get for your birthday once you hit middle age. "Hey, happy birthday! Here's your present---a gift wrapped colonoscopy!" Thank God they don't sell home kits for that sort of stuff or else everyone would lie about their birthday and stay forty-nine forever. My husband had to drag me kicking and screaming into the doctor's office because I seriously rebelled the idea of a camera being shoved up my you-know-what. Who the hell wants that? "Wow! What a gorgeous morning! It's a great day for a colonoscopy!" Unfortunately, it's a fact of life once you reach your middle age years. The only way I agreed to do it was if my husband scheduled his procedure the same day as mine. "The family that has a colonoscopy together stays together!" My husband was four years overdue, so he was anxious to get it done. He has a history of polyps, so he was due for the double whammy---the camera shoved into two orifices for the price of one. His first question to the doctor was to make sure the the camera they used to explore his colon wasn't going to be the same one they used down his throat. The grinning doctor assured him that yes, it was indeed the same camera, but not to worry because they would explore the throat first before heading south. That's when I interrupted the conversation and said, "No way in hell are you using the same camera on me! I don't want the leftovers---schedule me first!"
     After much ribbing from our friends and a lot of great advice ("Use Gatorade to mix the powdered medicine," "Use wet wipes for your behind, because trust me, you'll need it by the end of the day...") we faced the daunting task of getting through the "day of preparation", which is the day before the procedure. No food allowed for twenty-four hours, just clear fluids. Oh, and this nasty powdered medicine you mix with liquid and drink gallons of to clear out your colon. In other words, don't leave home because your butt is going to take you on a wild ride at the speed of light. Another word of advice---if you have to go through this little excercise in colon gymnastics, do not eat corn the week of your procedure---trust me, you'll be sorry if you do.
     On the prep day, I felt like a contestant on Survivor. No food to a "foodie" like me is like serving a jail term where 24 hours seems like 24 years. I started chugging chicken broth and apple juice until I felt like I was going to start clucking and pecking at apples. My husband was just as miserable as me. I've never seen him look so longingly at the handful of pretzels my son was munching on in front of us. I was dying of starvation, ready to forage in the flower beds in my garden or start gnawing on the wooden couch legs. Even the dog started to look pretty tasty. The doctor said, "Only clear fluids"...I idly wondered if that included gin or vodka.
     At 2:00 p.m. that day we were due to start drinking the "magic elixir of life"---the stuff that makes you poop uncontrollably. We mixed the powder perscription with lemon lime Gatorade and began chugging. It was like the games we played in college---my husband and I stood side by side at the sink and tried to out-chug one another. I could just hear the frat boys chanting, "Go, go, go!"
     So far, so good.
     Fifteen minutes later as we sat on the sofa and watched the food channel (we were gluttons for punishment), I heard the first rumbling. It sounded like Mount Vesuvious getting ready to explode. I turned to my husband. "Was that your stomach or mine?" Gurgle, gurgle, then, "OH MY GOD!!!" and the race to the bathroom began. Thank goodness we have two toilets in the house because if we didn't, someone would be sticking their fanny in a bucket. These were not bowel "urges", these were bowel demands screaming "NOW!" Too bad we don't have a television in our bathroom because I sure could have used one after sitting in there for five hours.
     The day of the procedure, I no longer feared what was going to be done to me because I was so hyper-focused on what I was going to eat once I woke up from the anethesia. I wondered if they'd serve me steak and a big baked potato in the recovery room. That would be a nice thing to wake up to after being molested by a small camera.
     As promised, I was wheeled into the surgical room before my husband. I feebily waved "good-bye" to him as I rolled past, and he gave me the thumbs-up. It was a bit disconcerting to see so many doctors and nurses waiting in the room for me---like this was major surgery or something. That's when I glanced over at a partially hidden closet and saw these long, black, snake-like tubes hanging from hooks. The tubes looked long enough to stretch all the way to Russia. They were going to put that thing up my what?!? Before I could rip out my IV and run for the hills, the anethesiologist patted my shoulder and sent me off to la-la land with propofol, the infamous Michael Jackson drug.
     Next thing I knew, these very kind nurses-more like angels- gently woke me and asked if I'd like some coffee and graham crackers. I sat up like a seal and clapped my hands. Food!Food! Graham crackers have never tasted so good.
     As soon as we got home (polyp-free), my husband and I raided the refrigerator. We didn't even shut the door---we just stood there in its light snacking on lunch meat and cheese sticks with the cool air hitting our faces.
     All in all, a colonoscopy is not as bad or scary as you might think. At least you can drop a few pounds in the process. It should be called "the colonoscopy diet" because you starve and then poop out everything you've eaten for the last month. Everyone should be awarded a souvenir once they finish this procedure. An "I survived a colonoscopy!" tee-shirt would be nice. Or maybe just hand them a steak.

Hangover 3: Bloggers Gone Wild

2013-03-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

This is my fourth time participating in the Secret Subject Swap with 15 brave bloggers, hosted by Karen @ http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt question comes from the very talented writer Insomniac's Dream @ http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com. Her prompt for me today is: "You have a chance, money is not an object, to meet your favorite bloggers face to face. But you can only pick five..."
I'll admit, this prompt was a tough one for me. Writing this was like pulling teeth from a piranha. It was IMPOSSIBLE for me to select just 5 of my favorite bloggers----I have more like 40, so I couldn't possibly name them all here. Instead, I have given out fictitious names for some fun ladies I know (yes, names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I would love nothing more than to meet these gals one day!
This story is a hybrid between the movie Hangover and Laura Numeroff's children's book, "If You Give A Moose A Muffin" (but an adult version. Kids, leave the room). This is what I imagine MIGHT happen if I met my blogger friends face to face, and how we would spend an evening together. Contrary to belief, I was NOT drinking margaritas when I wrote this post!

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, six female bloggers met for the first time at a swanky resort in South Beach. They spent a wild, raucous night on the town...most of which became a blur...until they woke the following morning to a most disturbing sight:

The 1st woman had a tattoo of a large-horned rhino on her chest with the inscription, "I'm A Horny Beast!" She was also surprised to find multiple piercings in unmentionable places. Ouch!
The 2nd woman woke with a shaved head. There was a small patch of stubble left in back with the words, "Blogger Bitch" neatly shaved across her scalp.
The 3rd woman had two, black eyes and a thick bandage across her nose. An ostrich was pecking at her chocolate-covered feet.
The 4th woman woke with her legs wound tightly around an anatomically correct Johnny Depp blowup doll.
The 5th woman squirmed awake in a tight, hotdog costume with the words, "Life Is Good Between Your Buns" stitched across the backside.
Last but not least, the 6th woman woke up next to a Lizard Man. Yes, as in reptile. With big muscles.
Across the room, a pizza delivery man snored loudly on the floor. He was shirtless, with a pink tutu around his waist and a motorcycle helmet over his head. Beside him was a 6 foot, chocolate Easter bunny with both ears missing.

***Again, I was NOT drinking margaritas when I wrote this post. But the blogger ladies in this story were. ***

*** *** ***

If you give a group of female bloggers too many margaritas, one will be reminded of an ex-boyfriend's sexy tattoo. She'll lead the others to a tattoo and piercing parlor, and convince her friend Lucy to get a tattoo.

After getting a rhinoceros tattoo, Lucy will remember how much she loved the zoo when she was young. She'll hail a taxi with her friends and head to the Wild Kingdom Exhibit. Once inside, Lucy takes a swig of tequila from her flask and lassos an ostrich. Ride 'em, Cowgirl!
After hijacking a zoo truck painted in camo and loading it with a few of their favorite, exotic animals, Kitty looks at the gorilla and is reminded that she needs a haircut. The six women stop at a 24 hour hair salon called, " Bruno The Barbarian: You brave it, we shave it!" Kitty is so proud of her recent blog award that she has Bruno The Barbarian shave off most of her hair, except for some stubble in back with the words, "Blogger Bitch" emblazoned on her scalp. Mitsy stares at this sight in wonder and is reminded of the freak show at the carnival. Luckily for the women, the Barnum And Bimbo carnival is still in town. It is only moments after they arrive that Mitsy becomes enthralled with the Lizard Man's forked tongue and invites him back to the hotel room for a cocktail. What woman wouldn't want a man with a long, double-edged tongue?

Spotting a large, pirate boat on the carnival grounds, Marla is reminded of how attracted she is to pirates, so she insists that her friends join her on a boat ride. While Kitty is tossing up her cookies over the railing, Marla flirts shamelessly with Captain Jack Sparrow's twin. She remembers those late night fantasies she once had about Johnny Depp, so she enters a ring toss game and wins a look-alike, blowup doll of Captain Jack.
Rayna reminds the ladies that they haven't stopped at her favorite attraction at the carnival---The Fun House Of Mirrors. Rayna has already polished off the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle and hallucinates that she is Alice chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole. She sees the reflection of a giant, chocolate bunny and runs head first into a mirror, breaking her nose. The worm has convinced her that she feels no pain. But the thought of a chocolate bunny gives Rayna a sweet tooth. The girls stop at the corner candy store where a 6 foot, Chocolate Easter bunny is on display in the front window. The women charm the store clerk into selling them the decadent, chocolate rabbit and load it into the camo truck that Lizard Man is now driving.

As the bloggers head back to the hotel, Suzy sees a hotdog vendor on the side of the road and is reminded that she hasn't eaten all day (unless the lime in the margarita glass counts). The vendor is wearing a full hotdog costume, which Suzy adores and begs him to sell to her in exchange for her Pandora bracelet.
Once the women arrive back at the penthouse suite, their stomachs remind them that they need more than a hotdog and a 6 foot chocolate bunny to soak up all the alcohol they've had. They order a pizza and are delighted to discover that the Swedish delivery man looks a lot like Bradley Cooper. They drag him into the room and outfit him in a pink tutu and a red motorcycle helmet to make their own version of a Harlem Shake video. After two more rounds of tequila shots, no one else is left standing.

The moral of this story (take your pick)?

A.) Don't give bloggers booze
B.) This is how Meno Mama likes to party
C.) Don't eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle or you'll end up with:
a lizard in your bed
"Blogger Bitch" on your head
and a Swede named Sved.

You can check out the 15 bloggers participating in today's swap here:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com

http://chewylicious.wordpress.com/

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

http://lifeonthesonnyside.blogspot.com/

dates2diapers2.blogspot.com

http://www.tinystepsmommy.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

www.amotherlife.com

http://mybrainonkids.net/

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

The Box

2013-03-01T04:10:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time to reveal another side of Meno Mama, one that I've never shared here before. You know me for my humor and subtle sarcasm. But there is so much more. As hesitant as I was about posting this story, a good friend advised me to "write without fear, live without fear." And for that reason, I'm sharing this today.
No worries, Folks. I promise to bring back all the funny that you know and love next week!

THE BOX

In my hall closet there is a box hidden beneath bath towels and bed sheets. Inside the box are scraps of memories of a child I never had the chance to know. A lock of hair, some yellowed snapshots and the black and white ink print of a foot no larger than my thumb. There was a time when I needed to open the box daily to reassure myself that the baby existed, if only for a brief moment in my arms.
I keep the box on a high shelf crowded between old baby clothes my children have long since outgrown and the tattered, smudged drawings from their early kindergarten days. I seldom think about the box until it's time to reorganize the close to make room for the clutter of new memories. My hand brushes across the worn flaps and I feel the need to open it again, despite the years that separate me from that part of my past. It has been stored in the closet for two decades, yet every time I see it, I am surprised by its presence and what it once meant to me----the hopes and dreams of a young mother carrying twins. I lift the lid slowly and touch the silky wisp of blonde hair inside. Folded neatly underneath the sympathy cards and letters is a small, cotton blanket. My hand automatically smooths the satin edge and slowly I bring it to my cheek, remembering the softness of the little boy it once held.
There was a time when I believed the box was all that I had left of Jason, until one morning when I looked into his twin sister's eyes and saw his smile. She had just taken her first step around the coffee table and rewarded me with her toothless grin. I cried then for the miracle of having such a special baby, and for the twin boy I'd never see take his first step, play catch with his father, splash in the surf, star in a school play, walk across the stage for his high school diploma or escort his new bride down a church aisle. Although I missed him and often wondered what it would have been like to raise twins, I realized early on how blessed I was to have his twin sister, who brings so much joy into my life.
When I was younger, it was very painful to open Jason's box. It forced me to face a loss I never understood. Today, it represents more than that; it reminds me of the courage it took to work through the loss---something I never could have accomplished without the love of my family and the power of faith. The box became a part of the healing process in my grief. Every time I sifted through its contents, I became stronger.
I'll never forget Jason or the softness of his skin when I cradled him in my arms. Although our time together was brief, he taught me some valuable lessons. Our children are a blessing, and the special moments we share with them are the little miracles in our lives that make up the memories we carry in our hearts when we grow old.

For J.

Your voice is hidden in the hum
of a respirator, each breath
the weight of a stone
in this sterile room
where shadows of infants
drift across hospital walls
leaves that break loose
from summer trees
scatter into fall

Clouds shift in your eyes
the hard blue of summer
the sorrow of lullabies
you will never know
only my hand against the pale moon
of your face
spirit lifting from my fingers
into the light
your small shadow etched
into the darkening sky.

*My surviving twin daughter and her baby girl. They are my heart.

You Inspire Me: Two Awards And A Party Hop

2013-02-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm never certain how many people actually read my blog posts, but today I know of three, awesome bloggers who decided that Menopausal Mother was good enough to be nominated for a few awards (no, I did NOT bribe them with a lifetime supply of boxed wine or chocolate covered cherries!).
I was also invited by Janene and Christine over at The More Than Mommies Mixer to be their "Life Of The Party Hostess" (yeah, that certainly sounds like me!) this week. Please link up with the blog hop below once you check out the bloggers I've handed out these lovely awards to today.

The first award is the Inspiring Blog Award, thanks to the Insomniac's Dream @ http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com. I am honored to be nominated by this talented lady since her blog posts are some of the finest writing I've seen in a long time. Her brilliance shines through in every entry she posts.

As with any blog award, there comes a set of rules:
1. Display award image on your blog page.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 7 facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for the award.
5. Notify the bloggers that they have been nominated and link to their posts.

7 Things You Were Dying To Know About Menopausal Mother:

1. I'm addicted to the History Channel and I'm a freak for old sci-fi shows such as Twilight Zone, Lost In Space and Outer Limits.

2. My favorite song in 2012 was Swedish House Mafia's "Don't You Worry Child." I still listen to it at least once a day. I'm just weird like that.

3. I don't do shots unless it's Patron Tequila.

4. I cuss like a sailor every morning when I struggle to put my contact lenses in.

5. I think Guy Fieri is sexy and I want to bake him a special rum cake....but I'm not gonna tell you what we're going to do with it.

6. I'm a HUGE fan of Foghorn Leghorn. I think every father out there could take a lesson or two in parenting skills from this feisty, outspoken rooster.

7. Yes, my husband actually does say, "Dadgummit," "Y'all" and "Now listen to me, Boy!" I think I might have married Foghorn Leghorn.

The 15 outstanding bloggers I am nominating for this award are:

http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com
www.amotherlife.com
dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com
www.bakinginatornado.com
sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com
www.lifecherries.com
xcartwright.blogspot.com
www.awriterweavesatale.com
gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
taoofpoop.blogspot.com
jleesblog.com
badwordmama.blogspot.com
www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com
abandoningpretense.blogspot.com

The next award is the Very Inspiring Blogger Award given to me twice by two of my favorite bloggers----Sandra @ www.awriterweavesatale.com and Sarah @sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. Sandra is one of the first bloggers I met when I was new to the blogging community, and she helped me numerous times with getting my blog off the ground. I could always turn to her for advice---and pretty soon our blog relationship turned into a true friendship. Sandra is my go-to gal and a damn good writer! Sarah I just met a few months ago and quickly discovered we're kindred spirits. Our wacky sense of humor is so similar, it's scary. Who else can I talk to about ear wax casseroles and Barbie bidets? We've even fantasized about joining the Navy Seals together---now THAT'S what I call a REAL friend!

The rules for this award are the same:
1. Link back to the person who nominated you.
2. Post award image on your site.
3. List 7 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers.
5. Notify the bloggers that they have been nominated and link back to their site.

7 MORE Things About Menopausal Mother: (If you're not comatose yet, you're getting to know me a little too well by now...)

1. I have a secret stash of Christmas cookies left in my freezer. Shhh....don't tell the kids....OR the husband.

2. I have a heart murmur, and the irregular beat scares the shit out of me sometimes. But I refuse to give up caffeine. Coffee is my crack.

3. I have 60 squirrel figurines in my house. Yes, I'm obsessed.

4. I also love zombies but I can't collect them. They'd stink up my house.

5. I get my best blog post ideas while I'm soaped up in the shower or at 3:00a.m. during a bathroom run. Go figure....

6. I make lists for everything. I even add "make a list" on my list. I'm OCD like that.

7. Last year my husband and I scheduled our colonoscopies together (you can read about it here). All they gave us was coffee and graham crackers in the hospital when we woke up from the procedure . After having a tube shoved up my ass, I think they should have given me Prime Rib.

Since I was lucky enough to receive this award twice, I think it's only fair that I be allowed to nominate double the amount of bloggers to receive it. The 30 deserving bloggers I'd like to bestow this award on are:

tzookeeperswife.blogspot.com rumpunchdrunk.blogspot.com
followmehome.shellybean.com jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
hypnoticbard.blogspot.com modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
snarkfestblog.blogspot.com singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com
www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com www.justkeepinitrealfolks.com
www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com
forever-51.com mommybags.blogspot.com
lettersfromlaunna.blogspot.com www.mygirlyparts.com
whatthepoohdude.blogspot.com www.nicolechardenet.com/blog/
lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com www.trashyblog.com
myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com shitidonttell.blogspot.com
theterriblethrees.blogspot.com thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
dustyearthmother.com jdeneen.com
75percenthippie.blogspot.com panchalibolchi.blogspot.com
www.themomoftheyear.net www.mail4rosey.com

Now that you've gotten through my list of "Who's Who" in the blogging community, let's get this blog hop party started! Want to meet some more bloggers and continue the fun? Link up below and be sure to follow your hosts and co-hosts. Please hop around the links and visit other bloggers. Follow them, leave comments and make some new friends!

Here are the "rules"

(Don't make us post bouncers at the door.)

Follow your Hostesses - Christine and Janene from More Than Mommies
Follow our Co-Hostess - Meredith at The Mom of the Year
Follow the Life of The Party - Marcia at Menopausal Mother We have decided to change our LOTP spot a bit. We were worried that we might have been missing some people who tweeted and wanted to make it fair . . . sooo - we will choose someone who signs up via Twitter on the Linky below to be our LOTP each mixer. (We choose a different Life of The Party EVERY week! We would still TOTALLY appreciate a shout out on Twitter if you don't mind! Tweet
Follow our Mixologist - This week our Mixologist is Ramona at Create with Joy. Every week we will choose one participant to get our party started at the #4 slot. All you have to do is link up under the first Linky (and follow the "rules") to be considered!

Follow the person directly BEFORE you on the hop!

Finally, we ask that you post one (or both!) of the following buttons in either a post or on your sidebar to let other people know where you are partying today!

http://www.morethanmommies.net/2013/02/the-more-than-mommies-mixer.html

Link up your Blog Here: Link up your Facebook Page Here: Link up your Twitter Handle Here: Link up your Pinterest Boards Here: Link up your Instagram Feeds Here:

Fly On The Wall In The Nut House

2013-02-15T07:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my second group blog posting of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen at www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 16 bloggers brave enough to participate today in this "How-Many-Ways-Can-I-Embarrass-My-Family" project.
The following are snippets of conversation I've stolen from my family when they were most vulnerable and clueless. In other words, when they were:
1. Lost at the zoo
2. Trapped for hours in the car on the highway to hell
3. Yelling at each other over a blaring episode of mating warthogs on National Geographic
4. Stuck in aisle 7 at the hardware store....with nary a cell phone in sight.

WARNING!!!! IT'S ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE WEIRD HERE!!!!

"No farting by the fire pit---you might blow up the neighborhood!"

"Who wrote 'Lazy Ass' in pen across all of my Breathe Right Nose Strips?"

"I just pooped so hard I think my intestines fell out."
"Hey, at least you went! I haven't pooped in 3 days. I feel like a trash compactor."

"Dear Lord, this family is poop-obsessed!"

"Hey, your 1099 tax form just came in."
"Is it addressed to 'Loser'?"

"I thought you were on a diet."
"I am, but the chocolate bar was mocking me."

"Can you clean out the rain gutters today?"
"I'd just as soon have hemorrhoids."

"That Prozac you're on just makes you stupid silly."

"What are those brown specks in the dog's water bowl?"
"It's special pug fecal water---made from the finest backyards in America."

"I was never gross until I met you."

"Those pork chops were great but I think I have an entire pig stuck in my molar."

"I can't walk that fast! My thighs are going to chafe and create a fire."

"Just tell them if they don't vote for you that you're going to make a voodoo doll out of them and stab it every night."

"I'm so full from dinner---I think my colon just popped."

"You've exhausted me and wiped out all my memory cells."

"Did you just fart?"

"Nope. That was a flock of Canadian geese flying over the house."

"Mom, you're running on dinosaur time."

"Why is your stomach so squishy?"
"Oh, that's my human inner tube. It's filled with beer."

"The dog's diaper slipped off. We have a PENIS ALERT!"

"Get smashed, do something stupid and make memories. Just don't get arrested while you're at it."

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"No, but a martini and a foot long sub would sure prove it!"

WELCOME TO THE INSANITY THAT I CALL HOME!

You can check out the other bloggers participating in the FLY at:

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/

http://www.dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com

http://mybrainonkids.net/

http://www.findingfelicity.com

www.therowdybaker.com

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

http://raising-reagan.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

Who The Hell Is Menopausal Mother?

2013-02-08T04:13:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by Karen over at www.BakingInATornado.com (who was tagged by www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com) to answer a list of questions from a game that originally surfaced on Facebook many years ago (before I had any clue what Facebook was). Although there are 45 questions in this game, I lowered it to 25 to save your sanity, and I combined various questions from both of the above bloggers. I wouldn't hold it against you if you just wanted to jump down to the comment section and type in the generic response, "Great post!" I'll understand.

1. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital, silly! I was not hatched from an egg or raised by wolves in the forest, contrary to
what some people may think.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
My mother already had 3 children and was stumped for a name, so she decided to name me after
her best friend, Marcia. And ever since The Brady Bunch came out, I've never heard the end of it.
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
4, not including my pug. He wears doggie diapers and tears up my house everyday. Doesn't that
count as a toddler?

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
We have 2 dogs, 5 chinchillas and a rabbit. There once was more---a hedgehog, sugar glider and
2 albino rats, but I was afraid people were going to mistake my home for a zoo and sponsor guided
tours through the exotic pet section.

5. YOUR WORST INJURY?
Depends on what you're referring to. Physical injury would be the Frisbee accident I had in
college. Snapped both bones in my left arm. Internal injuries---a 6th grade teacher who told me I
was a stupid girl who would never amount to anything. That reminds me---I need to send him my
blog link.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes. I am a Squirrel Whisperer. I'm also really good at pinky wrestling and singing like Pat
Benetar.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?
Everyone should know this one by now---Butterfingers Rum Cake because it combines 2 of my
favorite things---chocolate and rum.

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Impossible to name one thing, unless you can find fish tacos, fried egg rolls and German, beer--
soaked brats all under the same roof.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I can't even set foot in a damn airplane---what makes you think I'd be stupid enough to jump
off a bridge with nothing but a springy cord preventing me from becoming a human pancake?

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their eyes. You know that saying, "the eyes are the window to the soul"? That stuff is true.

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
A week ago when I was telling someone about my sister Cherie who passed away a few years
ago.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
Nothing. I'm on Prozac and these rose-colored glasses fit just fine.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
Coffee. Margaritas. Wine. Guess I should've put water in there someplace, huh?

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?
Anything by Erma Bombeck. She's the icon of early housewife humor and my biggest role
model when it comes to writing.

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
Only if I could raid ships with Johnny Depp and get stranded with him on a deserted island. I'll
even bring the rum.

16. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Cinnamon, marinara sauce bubbling on the stove, Calvin Klein's Obsession For Men and my
baby granddaughter's hair after her bath.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG? Duh! World domination, what else?

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
That's a creepy thing to ask. Someone must have been sitting in a closet all day crying with their
knees drawn up to their chest to come up with this one. But since I'm being asked, the answer
would have to be Evanescence "My Immortal"---still one of my favorites after all these years.

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I can only list one? Appearance wise---my stomach. I'm carrying the food baby from hell who
has no intention of ever being born. Personality wise---my phobias and insecurities. Sometimes
they prevent me from completing simple tasks or taking risks.

20. FAVORITE HOBBY?
I know I should say something snappy here like, "Hiking in the mountains near a steep cliff";
"Swimming with sharks during menstruation" or "Sky diving in adult diapers", but I can't.
Facebook stalking---that's all I got.

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
Loyalty, honesty, humor and being non-judgmental. Oh---and they've also got to be able to hold
their own in a beer pong contest.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO:
Overdose on laxatives. NO NO NO just kidding! I can't tell you some of the things I've done
because it might scare you away from ever reading my blog again.

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO?
Other than swilling cheap wine and starting food fights, I'd have to say playing with my toddler
pug.

24. ANY PET PEEVES?
Dirty feet. Ear wax. Unflushed toilets. People who only want to talk about themselves (hey,
this doesn't count! I was ASKED these questions, people!).

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
Answering all these questions as honestly as I could.

Wow! You're still here? Impressive. Now I'm going to tag 20 bloggers for this challenge. Some are new blogs to me while others have been "bloggy buddies" for awhile. Hopefully
they'll take me up on this. AND you'll get a chance to crawl inside the humorous minds of some of my favorite, funny, gal pals!

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com
http://followmehome.shellybean.com
http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://www.awriterweavesatale.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com
http://www.nicolechardenet.com
http://singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com
http://jleesblog.com
http://www.lifecherries.com
http://www.amotherlife.com
http://myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com
http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com
http://thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
http://xcartwright.blogspot.com
http://www.bigaandlittlea.com
http://www.justkeepinitrealfolks.com
http://www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com

Like what you read here? Great! Now go vote for Menopausal Mother in the Circle Of Moms Contest ( ENDS FEB. 13). Thank you! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013.

Valentine's Day Gift Horrors

2013-02-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

This is my third time participating in the Secret Subject Swap with 15 other talented bloggers, hosted by Karen @ http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt question today comes from the awesome blogger Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com.
I've decided to do something different this time with my prompt question, which happens to be: "Your significant other just gave you the worst Valentine's Day gift ever. What is it and how do you react?" This is my off-the-wall interpretation of the prompt, written in the form of a tacky, rhyming poem. Let's see who can make it to the bottom of the page without running for the hills.

VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT HORRORS

I asked my husband for a Beemer
he misunderstood and gave me a lemur

I had hoped for a diamond ring
years later I ended up with four offspring

"How about a fancy dinner?"
He said, "Forget it--you need to get thinner."

I asked for a pug puppy
I ended up with a Bubble Guppy

I was looking for romance
he offered to buy me implants

All I wanted was his heart
he pulled up in the driveway with an ox cart

I asked for a night on the town
instead he sent me a scary, fat clown

When I asked for steamy sex
he told me he was out of latex

I mentioned flashy jewelry
he took me instead to a warehouse brewery

I really wanted chocolate candy
I ended up with a mean guinea pig named Andy

I asked for sexy lingerie
but to my dismay
he gave me a pink bidet

I wanted roses that were red
he bought himself a tool shed

When I asked for a sign of his love

he sent me one white, pooping dove

I was craving a chocolate eclair
but I got a man with no hair
who danced like Fred Astaire

After years of misunderstood Valentine's gifts
we've had our share of tiffs

I know his gifts were from the heart
but they were all wrong from the start

Rather than cursing him to Hades
I bought him instead, a pair of hearing aids!

Here are the other fab bloggers participating in SSS. Be sure to stop by and say hello to them!

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

http://www.quirkychrissy.com

http://www.momaical.com

http://lifeonthesonnyside.blogspot.com/

http://www.chewylicious.com

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

www.amotherlife.com

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://www.100lbCountdown.com

http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://mybrainonkids.net/

Love what you read here? Check out the Circle Of Moms contest I'm in (click on link below and it will take you right to it) and cast your vote for Menopausal Mother. She needs some lovin' today! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

In The Beginning There Was...Twitter?

2013-01-25T03:38:00.002-08:00

Today is a special day at Menopausal Mother's site. I'm introducing you to one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah over at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. Her blog caught my attention several months ago when she left hilarious comments on my Caveman Twitter post. I just HAD to check out this talented lady and I've been stalking her blog ever since. I knew the moment I read her bio that I had met a kindred spirit and someone I could call a true friend in the blogosphere. In the short time that I have known Sarah, I realize our brains are wired the same---pretty soon we won't need to email one another---we'll just communicate telepathically.
Sarah is still fairly new to the blogging world (she started many, many moons ago back in June 2012), but she already has a large audience and quite a few blogging awards under her belt. Her bio reads: "The Sadder But Wiser Girl is the mother of two children and is married to an evil genius. Suffering from A.D.D., Anxiety, and a phobia of washing dishes by hand, she blogs to save the world from boringness. Though she is college educated, she would gladly trade her degree in for something useful, like a grilled cheese sandwich. She also goes by the name of Sarah Almond, writer, blogger, and dreamer looking to find her niche somewhere in the great big world."
I think Sarah has already found her niche, and now we are the fortunate ones on the receiving end of her humor.

* * * * * * * * *

A couple of months ago, Menopausal Mother and her darling husband debated about what might happen if Cavemen had Twitter. This intrigued me. I started thinking about what if they had Twitter during other notable times in our history. I’m still learning Twitter, so I’m no expert, but I think that if Twitter was around long ago, things may have been quite interesting.

So what if they had Twitter in Biblical Times? The following are tweets that I think really could have happened, complete with horrible reenactments by Barbies.

For example, what if God tweeted about creating the world?

God@LordOfCreation
BOOM! I made some great stuff this week! Check out my pics on Pinterest.

Boo-yah! World creation complete! (Grandpa Snake in a Barbie bathrobe makes a fabulous God, or maybe Hugh Hefner?

Now of course no one would tweet back…yet. What about the Garden of Eden?

Serpent@TheGarden
@Eve Want to grab a snack later? Come on, no one will know…

Eve@FirstGal
Just got my fig leaves. #fashion
Adam@FirstDude
I hate shopping, especially for fig leaves. Thinking of having the Earth’s first beer.

Adam and Eve hanging out in the garden. Nice apples.

Of course as time went on God would get more popular:

God@LordOfCreation
I’m so excited, I have more than 1000 followers! #sweet

God would communicate via Twitter.

God@LordOfCreation
@Moses Do you have a couple of stone tablets and a chisel? I have something I need you to write down for me.

God@LordOfCreation
@Noah I need a favor, and I really hope you like animals. #EpicFlood

Noah and the only animals I could find. I don’t think there were dragons on the ark.
(Yes I’m well aware that God and Noah look the same. I only have so many guy Barbies!)

God@LordOfCreation
@Moses Hey me again. Another thought-this whole Egypt thing isn’t working. We need a new thing. I’m thinking a plague of boxelder bugs. Thoughts?
Moses@BurningBush
@God LOL! That would be annoying but not effective. What about a plague of earwigs?
God@LordOfCreation
@Moses Nah… I need something more flashy. Cockroaches? I’m not really using them for anything.
Moses@BurningBush
@God Cockroaches are creepy and they do spread disease, but here’s a thought. Locusts? People hate locusts!
God@LordOf Creation
@Moses Perfect! Make it so!

Pretty soon everyone would be tweeting!

Moses@BurningBush
Woo-hoo! Just parted the Red Sea! I rock! #Canaan

Jonah@WhaleTales
Awfully dark in here. Something’s fishy.

Noah@FloatMyBoat
Last call for anyone who wants to take the ark for a spin. #EpicFlood

Joseph@JesusDad
No room at the inn! A manger? WTF? #DamnCensus

Who knew that Hello Kitty and My Little Ponies were present for the Divine Moment? Um Joseph, you might want to adjust your robe.

Jesus@OhMyDad
Just rose from the dead. Take THAT nonbelievers!

I hope you enjoyed my little venture into the imaginary world of biblical times with Twitter. Want more? I’ve got a whole brain full of stuff! If you want more insight into the scary place that is my mind, come on over to http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com and check out my blog!

Be sure and check out Sarah's blog at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com and show her some love by visiting and liking her Facebook fan page at http://www.facebook.com/thesadderbutwisergirl and tell her that Meno Mama sent ya!

Want to show Menopausal Mother some love, too? Vote for me in the Circle Of Moms Top 25 contest! Click on the link below, then scroll down until you find my blog. Click "vote" and BOOM! You're done. You can vote for Meno Mama once a day, every day (within a 24 hour time frame), until the contest ends FEB.13. You can also click on the badge at the upper right corner to get to the site as well. Thanks for showing the love!!
http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

Fly On The Wall

2013-01-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

Today I am participating in a group blog posting called "Fly On The Wall", created by Karen over at www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 14 other bloggers participating in this fun little project that allows our readers a sneak peak into a day in the life of a blogger. Or as I call it, "Embarrassing Things We Really Shouldn't Share With The Public".
Before entering my home, there are several signs posted outside that forewarn visitors what they might encounter inside.

Our Family is nuts:

We belong in the looney bin:

We take NO responsibility for unattended children:

If you are faint of heart, turn back now because this blog post is not for you. If you find the mentioning of certain bodily functions offensive, click out of my site now and find a nice blog post on DIY sofa covers or frilly lamp shades.
I have a teenager and 3 adult children. When we are all together under the same roof, things get interesting. If you were a fly on the wall in my house during this time, here are some snippets of conversation you would have heard:

"Dad is just a crusty old man who sunbathes with dinosaurs and eats bologna sandwiches."

"Stop singing Whitney Houston songs! My ears are bleeding!"

"Don't eat corn! That junk ricochets back at you in the toilet!"

"It's a sign of sisterly love that our toenails fell off on the same day. That's what I call true bonding."

"Why did you let me eat that much orzo? Now I need a stomach pump."

"I want a penguin. And a kangaroo."
"Yeah, well I wanted a yard gnome but I never got one."

"Don't you hate it when you burp and throw up in you mouth at the same time?"
"Can't be any worse than pushing out a fart and then end up peeing a little bit in your pants."

"Cut your damn Hobbit toenails!"

" I gotta pee so bad my bladder is gonna burst in my throat!"

"You let the dog lick your face? He just ate his own poop outside!"

"Stop hoarding all the peanut granola bars in your room. What are you, a squirrel?"

"Oh, she pooped in her diaper. That was a nice little surprise package."

"You need to get out of sloth mode and get busy doing your chores!"

"Don't cut your toenails next to me while I'm eating lunch. I don't want those flying missiles landing in my macaroni salad."

"I'm not putting my laundry in with his. I don't want our clothes rubbing together in the washing machine. I can't even dry my face off on those towels because they all smell like his dirty under ware."

"No, sweet potato casserole does not come from ear wax."

"Who the hell had a picnic in the bathroom?"
"What do you mean?"
"There's a meatloaf in the toilet and lemonade all over the seat."

And in the past week, I have been referred to by my children as a:
Rotten vagina
Poopsicle
Blogger whore
Wine bee-otch
Fatty McFarty

Don't get mad, people! These are terms of endearment in my home. Which is why I love my family so much.
Welcome to the nuthouse!

Check out the other bloggers at:

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/

http://mybrainonkids.net/

http://sanitywaitingtohappen.blogspot.com

http://ibddaddyandme.blogspot.com

www.therowdybaker.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.wordpress.com/

http://smn0409.blogspot.com/

http://DeBieHive.blogspot.com

http://specialedarmywife.blogspot.com/

Secret Subject Swap #2: Zombie Plan

2013-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
I am once again participating in a Secret Subject Swap with 17 other bloggers, hosted by Karen@http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt this time comes from Jenn over at http://www.somethingclever2point0.com. Her question to me is: "What is your zombie plan?"
I was actually pleased to get this prompt, because I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans were all the rage last year, and after watching enough episodes of The Walking Dead, I think I am prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1. First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.

2. Hone my growling, moaning and slobbering skills.

3. Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.

4. Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.

5. Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.

6. Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they are too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.

7. Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.

8. Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".

9. Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.

10. Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come". Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....

As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.

I'm ready for battle. Are you?

These are the 17 bloggers participating in the Secret Subject Swap. Check them out!

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://lifeonthesonnyside.blogspot.com/

http://suburbiainterrupted.com/

http://www.bigaandlittlea.com

http://ibddaddyandme.blogspot.com

www.3monkeysandamartini.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/

http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/

http://www.themommyref.blogspot.com/

http://rushingforbagels.blogspot.com

http://gocheapgohome.com

www.rebekaches.com

http://slackermomof4.blogspot.com/

http://www.mommyunmuted.com/

Time In A Pocket

2013-01-03T04:20:00.000-08:00

Now that winter is actually approaching Florida (it's sixty degrees out..BRRR!) and the palm trees might be threatened by frostbite, I pulled out the winter clothes from the attic. Inside the trunk I found an old, leather jacket from my early mommy days. As I tried it on (and noticed it was a bit snug at the waist), I slipped my hands into the pockets and discovered unidentified objects from years past. My fingers delved into the deep depths of the unknown for hidden treasure, and this is what I found:

* One lint coated breath mint

* A faded receipt from a Star Trek convention along with one rubber Spock ear

* Fossilized stick of gum from 2001

* A key to a piece-of-crap minivan I unloaded 10 years ago

* Wadded-up tissue that had disintegrated into a pile of white ash

* A used strand of floss from a steak house

* An unwrapped tampon that had swelled up to the size of an airline pillow

* A clump of moss

* An uncapped, hairy stick of lip balm

* A petrified granola bar

* Ticket stubs to an outdoor concert where the Hubs got smashed and stumbled into the ladies room

* A champagne cork and two sea shells from a night of celebrating on the beach when we...well, you know...

* An arm from a Batman action figure

* A scrap of paper with a phone number to a turtle taxidermy shop

* Two quarters, a Heineken beer bottle cap and a baby's pacifier (sounds like a party to me!)

* A Barbie doll head. No comment.

* A cocktail napkin from Al and Suzy's wedding...the party lasted
longer than the marriage

* A matchbook from a hotel in Orlando where the fire alarm went off at 3:00 a.m. and we were herded like cattle out into the parking lot. I learned that people at that hour of the morning look like they belong in a circus act or an episode of Swamp People

After much consideration, I decided to leave the contents in the pockets---it was a time capsule of sorts. One day my kids will inherit the jacket and wonder about the contents. I like to keep them guessing.

Sweets With A Side Dish Of Humor

2012-12-27T05:23:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time now, you already know about my love affair with anything sweet. I LOVE to bake---that's a no-brainer. Baking relaxes me. After all, nothing soothes the soul better than a thick slice of chocolate, peanut butter cake.
Blogging is another hobby that relaxes me, and when I combine it with a sweet treat, that's my definition of NIRVANA. This past year I've participated in several blog hops and was fortunate enough to come across a blog that immediately caught my attention---and I've been hooked ever since my first visit. I'm talking about Karen over at www.BakingInATornado.com. I find myself stalking her site daily because the recipes, combined with her funny & heartwarming stories, are a major draw for anyone who loves sweets with a side dish of humor. I've made several of her recipes, and folks, let me tell you, they are ALL delicious (and addicting). Just the other day I baked her egg nog bread for the three of us....and let me just confess here and now that the loaf was NOT divided evenly into thirds.
Karen has graciously accepted my offer to do a guest post here and I am honored to have her. Luckily for us, she has brought one of her mouth-watering recipes sure to satisfy everyone's sweet tooth----especially if you have a house full of bottomless pits, also known as teenagers!

Guest Post on Menopausal Mother

Just this past November I was “talking” to a fellow blogger on FB and she happened to mention that she has a signature cake and offered me the recipe. I suggested she write about it and Menopausal Mother became the first to Guest Post on Baking In A Tornado. Today I’m happy to have packed up my baking supplies and come to visit her back.

My blog is mostly (sometimes I’m guilty of going off on a tangent) about the baking that I do as an outlet for stress relief. Here’s why:

I didn’t get pregnant easily. That’s actually an understatement. I never thought I’d have children, but I did and there was a time when I was the Mom of two adorable little boys. It was such a fun time for me and I’d like to think that they enjoyed their childhood as well.

As the boys got older they began spending more time with friends than with me. It was during this time that I started baking to keep the kids in snacks and found out two very important things. First, baking relieves stress. I can get lost in a recipe and tune out the world while creating something kids enjoy. Second, bake it and they will come. Literally. I was like the Pied Piper. My house was filled with kids who knew that after school they were assured a good snack and at 5:45 anyone still here got a ride home before dinner. And I knew where my kids were, who they were with, what they were doing.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere all hell broke loose. My boys declared war, and I was the enemy. Everyone knows that teenagers are a challenge, but here’s what they don’t tell you: adolescence is a fluid term. It doesn’t strike at any given chronological time. Don’t think that just because your child isn’t a teenager yet means that they won’t act like an adolescent. Put up your defenses, you are not safe. I’ve developed these warning signs. Forget age, this is what you need to look out for:

1. Their bedroom door suddenly spends more time closed than open.

2. They start using words you don’t know the meaning of and are sure they made up, yet all their friends understand them.

3. They start dousing themselves in perfume (girls) or Axe (boys), literally until you can’t breathe.

4. They never call, only text, and all those acronyms and abbreviations don’t mean a thing to you. You don’t know whether they’re telling you to throw a party or call 911.

5. Food disappears. All of it. The day you buy it. And nobody took it.

Now once you’ve hit this point, it’s time to start baking.

Crunch Cookies

Because I’m sorry to say, there’s more to come:

6. You feel the need to “google” what their t-shirt says to be sure it’s OK for them to wear it out of the house.

7. What you once would have called a “messy bedroom” you’re now willing to accept because although it’s certainly not clean, you have to admit it’s clean-ER.

8. When asking them to do something, you’re regularly told “that’s just not going to happen”.

9. You frequently find yourself asking “why in the world would you . . .”

10. The answer to the above is usually “well, you never said I couldn’t . . .”

And once you reach this point your mixer and baking sheets are going to need a permanent home on your counter. Because if you’re anything like me, you’re about to get very busy.

I hope you’ll come visit me at my blog: www.BakingInATornado.com

on FB: https://www.facebook.com/BakingInATornado

and on Twitter: https://twitter.com/BakngInATornado

Crunch Cookies

Ingredients:

1 stick butter, softened

1 stick margarine, softened

2 cups sugar

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla

2 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/4 cups Cocoa Krispie cereal

1 cup mini chocolate chips

Directions:

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease cookie sheets.

*Beat butter, margarine, sugar, egg and vanilla for one minute.

*Mix in flour, baking soda and salt.

*Gently mix in the cereal and mini chocolate chips. Try not to break up the cereal.

*Gently roll into balls and put about 20 on a baking sheet. Press down slightly with the heel of your hand.

*Bake for 12 minutes.

*Let cool for one to two minutes on cookie sheet before removing.

Five Wishes

2012-12-19T13:28:00.001-08:00

I was tagged in a holiday post two weeks ago by one of my favorite bloggers---Rachel @ http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com. She tagged me to list 5 Christmas wishes and to pass the "honor" down to 5 other bloggers. As usual though, I am late to the party and here it is only a few days before the BIG DAY. I'm not vengeful enough to pass this little project along to 5 other stressed out bloggers busy with the whole shopping/baking/decorating/wrapping/getting-drunk-on-spiked-egg-nog thing, so I'm going to share my 5 wishes here and leave it at that. Merry Christmas to the 5 prospective candidates I was GOING to tag (and cause the undue stress of writing a last minute blog post). BOOM! My Christmas shopping is done.

FIVE WISHES FOR SANTA

1. I want to party like a rock star with Santa and his merry band of elves. But there are certain conditions----I am NOT cleaning up after those sloppy, drunk elves, and Santa MUST wear something other than that tiresome, red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial strength girdle might be in order too, after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum on Christmas Eve.

2. I want to ride in a pimped out sleigh with Santa, as long as there is a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment. Rudolph won't be the only one with a red nose. Which reminds me---Santa needs to switch out that nose to an LED light to conserve energy.

3. I'd like to have my own reindeer. He could live in my backyard, and I could charge admission ( to support my blog habit, of course) for reindeer rides to all the kiddies in the neighborhood. He could also nibble on our grass during the spring so we wouldn't have to mow the lawn as often.

4. I want all the elves to show up the day after Christmas to dismantle my ridiculously large collection of holiday decorations and neatly pack them away in our attic. Ever notice how those lazy bastards suddenly disappear once the last gift has been unwrapped and the Christmas feast devoured? They don't even stick around long enough to help with the dishes.

5. I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fats and calories, and chocolate truffles are a nutritious element in your daily, dietary needs. While you're at it, Santa, how 'bout a home liposuction kit? Cookies in, cookies out....no more gingerbread on the thighs.

All kidding aside, what Menopausal Mama really wants for Christmas is peace. I know that sounds cliche, but at my age, I yearn for simplicity---a time when people marveled at a sunset, not the latest technological gadget. I miss respect and the kindness of strangers. Social media, as enjoyable as it may be, has also created a major disconnect in personal interaction. A certain coldness permeates society now---we live in a world where greed is becoming the norm and compassion has waned. I want to feel safe when I walk down the streets. And I don't want to have to worry about the world my granddaughter will grow up in. I wish, as many do, an end to violence, hatred and racism.
Despite the frightening things we have been surrounded by lately, there is still beauty to be found--in a smile, a kind word and laughter. Embrace these simple pleasures and you will discover beauty and love in the world, and in love there is hope.
This is my wish for you, dear readers, and your families.
And cookies...lots of cookies...

The Secret Subject Swap

2012-12-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Today I am participating in a fun little blogging project known as Secret Subject Swap, which is the brainchild of blogger Karen @ www.bakinginatornado.com. She has started something special here that motivates other bloggers to get creative by working off a prompt that has been secretly assigned to them by another blogger. Fifteen brave bloggers are participating today, simultaneously revealing their prompts and writing a blog post based on their interpretation of the topic chosen for them. Here are the links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject
Swap:

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

http://www.momaical.com

http://macdonaldsplayland.blogspot.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

http://www.hungrylittlegirl.com

http://rushingforbagels.blogspot.com/

http://www.mommyunmuted.com/

http://www.3monkeysandamartini.com

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com

http://www.loveartbaby.com/

http://www.cassandrazcorner.blogspot.com

http://www.Bakinginatornado.com