Soon after I began to provide batterer intervention services, our local shelter asked me to give a presentation to the women in the shelter programs on my groups for abusive men. I explained the curriculum: how I taught men about the dangers of power and control tactics, the importance of personal accountability, and the necessity of being in charge of our behavior no matter what our partner does. I told the women that the goal of batterer intervention was to stop physical violence.

To my surprise, the women told me that emotional abuse—put-downs, name-calling, threats, yelling, accusation—was an equally if not more serious form of battering. I learned from them that when men said “I yell at my wife, but at least I’m not a batterer,” they’re letting themselves off the hook. They are minimizing the damage that their emotional abuse does to their partners.

If you have been emotionally abusive, you should seek help. Take a look at our book, Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, find out about our extended sessions, and get into a domestic abuse support group with a professional who is trained and specializes batterer intervention.

Prostitution is legal in Columbia so this is not a question of legality. According to news reports, the men paid for the services in advance but then disputed the charges after having received those services. Perhaps if there had not been such a dispute, none of this would have hit the media. (Most people who commit these and other types of sexual acting out don’t get caught.) But here we are.

These are not your everyday men. As part of the Secret Service and the military, they are seen by many as “elite” and “honorable.” They are professionals who handle delicate, privileged, and secret information. They are in a job that demands integrity and valor. Despite this, their male socialization trumped it all and their code of conduct fit the man-pact; “we are entitled to pay women for sexual gratification despite our familial and professional commitments and honor.” As far as we know, no man in that group stood up and said, “No, this isn’t the right thing to do.” It is often the case, that pack mentality can make bad behavior seem “normal.”

Is sexual acting out the same as sex addiction?

Are all of these men sex addicts? No. Are all of these men sexual predators? No. But, sexual acting out moves along a continuum. And while society and the media often focus on the egregious and criminal, normalization of sexual acting out in the male culture (e.g. use of pornography, extra-marital affairs, promiscuity, pay for sex, adult entertainment, Hooters, etc.) receives little, if any, commentary. This helps set the stage for more severe forms of sexual acting out, to which society then responds with pathological and predatory explanations.

I’m not suggesting that the men accused struggle with sex addiction or compulsive sexual acting out. But, many fathers, brothers, sons, partners, and spouses do struggle with these issues. Without effective and specialized sex addiction treatment, they will find themselves powerless over these urges, and eventually find their life in ruin. Consider that several men involved in the recent scandal are now unemployed and their reputations – and perhaps relationships – destroyed.

Shame on them for dishonoring their country, profession, familial relationships, and ultimately for dishonoring the “Few Good Men” amongst us who don’t buy into this form of male sexuality. If we want to change egregious sexual acts by men, then we have to change the overall culture of men. A few good men need to stand up and say, “We need to evolve, abandon our adolescent sexuality, and become adult sexual beings.” Mature men let intimacy and emotional attachment lead over desire for instant and fleeting sexual gratification.

The Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan teaches the basics of sex addiction, relapse prevention, and recovery in a supportive and caring environment. If you are concerned that you may be falling into the web of sex addiction, take our Sexual Addiction Screening Test. Or, contact the Men’s Resource Center. We help men break out of the shame, addictive patterns, and isolation of addiction.

In one of our men’s support groups, the subject of grief, sadness, and loss came up in discussion. One man spoke about his grief and loss and then said something that very much connected with others in the group. He said that even though he felt and expressed his loss; that he believed he was done with it and had finished the grieving he needed to do, the reality was just the opposite. The feelings were still there.

At the Men’s Resource Center we have found that men continue to feel vulnerable when expressing grief, sadness, or loss. Once they are able to access their grief, identify it, and express it, they want to get it done and over with. They resist the idea that grieving is a process that they need to be aware of and address until they are able to let it go. It is not a one-time event where they get in touch with the pain and cry and talk about it and it’s gone.

Healthy men acknowledge their emotions of grief, sadness, and loss. To not do so can impact their emotional well-being and relationships, ultimately leading to an unsatisfying life.

Through our men’s support groups, our EMDR Therapy and Hakomi Therapy programs, we help men express and work through their grief. They learn that grieving is often an ongoing reality – a process that may include denial, anger, hurt, sadness, and finally acceptance. More importantly, they come to trust that it is a process best addressed with the support of others, not in isolation.

These three anger management tips focus on self-development; self-awareness, self-management, and self-discipline. They can help people with anger management problems more fully develop their personal accountability and continue their journey in the right direction.

Anger Management Tips

1. Self-awareness: The practice of knowing what is going on in your interior world, rather than focusing on expending all your energy in examining and critiquing circumstances and others to explain why you get angry.

Socrates claims that “the unexamined life is a life not worth living.” Well, it may be worth living, but the unexamined life effects our satisfaction and peace in life. To examine the interior life, the life of our emotions, takes courage. Men have grown up believing that it takes strength and courage to hide emotions while projecting confidence with no fear. Men historically have been more comfortable facing their fears about the unknown when going to the moon or the Wild West; the exterior world. The new frontier for men is venturing into their heart and soul. Today, it takes more courage to pull back the curtain to reveal the little old man working the levers of the great powerful Oz, than it does to stay hidden or concealed. The work of self-awareness helps men know what they are feeling and why, so they can take the next step in anger management, manage themselves, rather than circumstances and others.

2. Self-management: The practice of responsibly distilling or releasing strong emotions rather than transforming all emotions into anger and expelling them destructively onto others. This is a process of letting go of trying to control circumstances and others while utilizing your resources to examine and control yourself.

Ironically, the biggest mistake in working on anger management is focusing too much on anger. Anger isn’t the problem. The problem is emotional mismanagement. Men have a tendency to transform all emotions such as fear, hurt, and shame into anger. Anger is a manly emotion that gives men power. Rather than feeling fear or shame, they power up to avoid those uncomfortable feelings and use anger as a shield or sword to protect themselves; often hurting others. The first step in anger management is to actually feel the primary emotion, rather than transforming it into anger. If it is truly a righteous or reasonable anger, then one can mindfully decide whether to work on distilling the anger through self-soothing strategies or responsible releasing strategies. Managing anger begins with self-awareness (i.e. what am I really feeling and why?), and then one can mindfully decide what are appropriate behavioral steps in the moment. Successful anger management requires good self-management.

3. Self-discipline: The practice of sustaining a self-improvement program so that you can get the support and strength you will need to walk into the wind of self-examination and self-management.

Walking into the headwind of self-examination and self-management is difficult work to sustain on one’s own. Unfortunately, men have historically prided themselves as rugged individualists. To ask for help is tantamount to being unmanly or weak. The idea being that a real man makes it on his own and if he doesn’t, it’s a sign of weakness or inferiority. Counseling is often viewed as something only women do. I believe this is a fallacy; an erroneous belief that keeps men stuck. Getting help with their anger by working with a therapist and within the safety of an anger management support group is no different than getting help with a golf swing from a golf pro, lifting weights at a gym, or receiving treatment from a doctor for a sore knee. But there remains an odd, exterior/interior dynamic going on. We, as men, can work on our exterior body without much shame, but to go inward is another thing. This is, however, the 21^st century and there are new demands being placed on men and women. If men want to keep up in this fast-changing world, they’ll have to make some changes themselves or fall behind. I believe the fittest male is one who has the conviction and courage to journey into the new frontier of his heart and soul. And to recognize that it doesn’t have to be done alone, anymore than was exploring the exterior world.

Like many other therapists, I have concluded that fear, hurt, and shame are three feelings that can be positive, and more often negative, motivators of men’s behavior. As a facilitator who has observed these painful emotions in various men’s groups, and as a man who harbors them himself, I believe that identifying and managing these feelings is essential to mental health and a happy life.

Fear of shame

For several years, I participated in a supervision group for therapists. At one meeting, we were talking about hurt, fear, and shame. The group leader, a great man and therapist, made a couple comments which opened doors in my thinking. First, he said, “Hurt really isn’t in the same category as fear or shame. It’s painful, but not as corrosive and deadly.” I thought, “Yes, hurt hurts, but it doesn’t sear like fear or make one double over like shame. So I really don’t think it’s the Big Three, hurt, fear and shame; I agree it’s just fear and shame.” Second, he added, “Really, it’s all about fear of shame. We do not fear the particular situations in which we might feel rejected or disappointed as much as we fear being and feeling shamed—being ridiculed or humiliated and harboring the resulting sense that we’re bad and worthless. We get painful messages as boys that we’re not OK, and in adulthood, similar experiences bring up the old feeling. Shame goes deep, and it leads to depression, seclusion, and even violence when some triggers an old wound.”

I could make a list of men’s thoughts and behaviors that stem from shame and fear of shame, but I think we all know that men’s lives are riddled through with it. Men are of course the target of relentless bullying, frequent embarrassment for minor foibles, highly critical self-talk and constant reminders of their inferiority and stupidity on TV—the seediest of which are often beer commercials. Many, perhaps most, men live in a excruciating cloud of shame, and they will engage in aggressive, even violent behaviors—physically attack a man or women who’s shaming them—in order to quiet their fear and stave off further shame.

Feelings management

Like other feelings, there are several ways to manage shame. I find self-soothing to be the most effective. I say to myself, and if necessary repeat over and over again: “What I’m experiencing, though very painful, is only a feeling. I can lessen the hurt of shame. I know that I am basically a good person. I am OK. This feeling will pass. Things have a way of working out. I can think about something else. When I feel the pain of shame again, I will think about something else again. Everything will be OK.”

Watch yourself for your fear of shame, and for shame itself. It’s a killer. Don’t let it sit and eat out your inner life. Talk to someone about it—a concerned and trustworthy friend, perhaps a therapist. You do not have to be at the mercy of shame. It’s only a feeling, albeit a powerful one, and you’re large and in charge.

The Penn State football culture seemed to be more passionate about preserving and performing in the game of football than to do well and be responsible in the Game of Life. They had one of their colleagues sexually exploiting and abusing young boys on their watch and in their showers. Why didn’t they throw the flag for encroachment? In the Game of Life, you aren’t supposed to step over that line. Not only is it a rule among a civil society, it’s against the law. Why didn’t the rules for the Game of Life trump success in the game of football? It may have caused a loss of a good football coach, or it may have created temporary negative publicity on the program. But, it would have shed light on more than a few good men doing the right thing.

Throwing the flag and calling the authorities is the right thing to do for the man who lost his playbook in the Game of Life. It is the right thing to do for the young powerless boys who needed protection from a blitzing human being aimed at getting in the backfield of sexuality. Unfortunately, we have predators in our midst and it up to us to protect the powerless from them. Football is fun to watch, but it loses it attraction when men lose at the Game of Life while trying to build a winning program. Are we ready for some football? Yes. And only yes, if football programs are following the rules of the Game of Life first and foremost.

Touchstones is available in bookstores for $15.

If you have an Android phone or an iPhone, you can search for Touchstones and download the application for $4.99 and have it accessible on a regular basis. Although traditional masculinity encourages men to know it all, and tough it out, daily reflections and support from others are instrumental experiences for our healing and growth as men.

This article reports on a first step to prevent violent masculinity and create liberated men on a national level that unfortunately did not come to fruition in the development of a long-term coalition of men. Asserting that the work of a few disparate men who speak to the issue of to the issues of sexism and violence, though on-message and courageous, is inadequate to the task, Charlie Donaldson exhorts men to create a powerful national and international organization that will lead men to supplant violence with new senses of integrity and compassion. Such an alliance could connect the dots with a louder voice, clearly and visibly advocating a new manhood.

Charlie is co-author of Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Abuse as well as worksheets for facilitating domestic abuse groups, articles, blogs, and poetry on men and men’s issues. He presently resides on Beaver Island, a dreamland of rocky beaches and boreal forests in the middle of Lake Michigan, where he operates a retreat center for himself and other men.

Last winter, The New York Times reported on the brutal rape of an 11 year girl in Cleveland, Texas, and in the course of the story, blamed the victim for contributing to the assault “by wearing make-up and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her twenties.”

The start: An ad hoc coalition

The response to victim-blaming in the Times story was strong and came from a variety of individuals and groups. Among them, 44 men who supported a statement in which they declared that “we [need] to make it clear to other men that we do not tolerate or condone the mistreatment of women.” These men spoke for themselves and various organizations across the nation that are deeply concerned with sexual violence and committed to the development of men of compassion and integrity.

This publication of this statement by this ad hoc national coalition of men represented a new and exciting development in the history of men’s work in this country. As a group, the men took a stand against male violence against women and, implicitly, male violence against other men.

Our mentors: Bright, committed, persuasive

The men who signed the statement crisscross the country, carrying the message that hyper-masculinity is deadly to women and other men, that gender equality and opportunity are birthrights still to be achieved in this nation that, by a great margin, domestic violence is a men’s problem, not a women’s issue. They present at colleges and university, on panels at conferences; they write for national newspapers and magazines with a telling and bold message. They are bright, committed, and persuasive men who speak with great understanding and conviction about the urgency of ending violence against women and finding new ways to liberate men.
There seemed some hope that a national organization with the firepower (excuse the metaphor) to address this huge issue, but a movement toward a national–even international–movement soon languished.

Norway: Another lesson

The murder of 76 women, men and children this summer in Norway shocked most of the world. For those of us in the men’s movement, it should propel us to look once again at who we are and what we do. In his editorial in the stand-bearer of the movement to end violent masculinity, Voice Male magazine, Rob Okun bemoans that once again the media has missed the point in their interest in political motives. Anders Behring Breivik, he passionately asserts “is the latest canary in a deadly masculinity mine whose coldly calculated killing spree warns us of the risks we face if we don’t remake masculinity.”

Rob says that the journalists fail to connect the dots. Why? Why don’t these insightful and experienced men and women see that hyper-masculinity continues to be the scourge on humanity? The painful answer is that we have failed to connect the dots for them. As strong as the leaders of a movement to end male violence—Jackson Katz, Tony Porter, and Rob Okun himself (among many others)—are, the message needs a larger venue. The dead canary is really a signal for us. We are not getting the job done.

Rob says that “we must turn this tragedy into a teachable moment.” Right on, Rob. However, we are the target of the first lesson, not our audience. We must think anew. We are voices in the wilderness: it’s noisy out there, and we need a proclamation that’s frequent, loud, and clear. Our lesson is that we must collaborate to create a national venue on which to give our message national and international attention.

What’s missing in America

The National Organization of Women has provided an immeasurable service to the women—and men—of the United States. But where is the correlative organization of men? The signers of the statement about the rapes in Cleveland, Texas represent many small but important organizations; Voice Male and other publications speak with authority and fervor but none speak with a with a national voice.

I believe that it is up to men to join together to create a more compassionate and egalitarian world. It is an unfortunate commentary on men that they have no national organization: men have fallen where women have succeeded. To use our favorite male metaphor, we need to step up to the plate.

I propose an organization of men, perhaps called The National Alliance of Men for Integrity and Compassion (NAMIC pronounced nam-ic) would be pro-feminist, gay-friendly, community-minded, remaking masculinity and, and promoting men’s growth. NAMIC would bring our mentors who are already carrying the message and many other men together. It would work to end toxic male socialization to our boys, to promote loving and respectful relationships among men, to create a compassionate world that supports men in intimate familial and other relationships. This new organization would incorporate both the battered women’s and the mythopoetic men’s movements.

Here are some specific tasks that only a national and international organization could effectively accomplish.

• Create a mission statement, set of objectives, and talking points that not only further this organization but also provide a context and structure for other organizations that do similar work
• Establish a network of scanners who monitor media for sexist and misogynistic language, journalism, and programming, reporting such violations to key media personnel and to other media
• Educate journalists and other media personnel to recognize the role of violent masculinity and to avoid victim-blaming in news reporting situations of sexual and domestic violence
• Identify and condemn media programming which role models
  violent and abusive behavior as well as the humiliation of men in TV program and commercials which can contribute to violence and abuse
• Publish a national magazine (using Voice Male as a model)
• Sponsor trainings and conferences to build national and international collations
• Promote media such as films, TV series, internal sites and radio programs that show and encourage healthy masculinity, integrity, community, and compassion
• Monitor and encourage progressive legislation that enhances both men and women’s personal growth and well-being
• Collaborate with and spin-off smaller organizations with overlapping missions such as civil rights, environmental concerns, government reform
• Train a cadre of men who are peaceful warriors to collaborate with other altruistic organizations to intervene in conflict at home and abroad in order to increase safety and promote public welfare
• Set standards of male behavior promoting community, compassion, and integrity while disavowing behavior that creates alienation, coldness, and selfish individualism, remembering that the greatest sin is indifference to suffering whether it’s the case of a man abusing a woman or a government official ignoring the misery and distress of his constituents
• Promote national best practice standards for batterer intervention and sexual assault treatment.

It should be noted that there are some organizations with similar goals as NAMIC. However, they seem not to have taken steps to become a truly national organization. There are also groups such as the National Coalition of Men, but these are men’s rights organizations and differ in fundamental ways from NAMIC.

No lack of support

I am convinced there is no lack of potential support for a National Alliance of Men, both in men who can see its value and women who want to join men in their many common interests. This organization would stand by the National Organization of Women when funding for women’s health, and when reproductive rights are threatened. This organization would monitor the media for sexist language and sexually violent programming, speaking up with a united voice. It would support anti-bullying measures and programs. It would bring together men of insight and principle to establish common national goals and tactics. NAMIC would revolutionize the society just as NOW profoundly changed the world,

I believe that there are many liberated men in significant roles in our society who would support NAMIC in its mission to end violence and hyper-masculinity replacing power and control, emotional, physical and sexual violence with compassion, community, and integrity. These men would, I am convinced, back NAMIC with their dedication, credibility, celebrity, and finances. If the creation of NAMIC excites you as it does me, please email me at the Men’s Resource Center.

We need NAMIC to partner up with NOW. Rob suggests “an ongoing international teach-in, semester and semester.” Who will lead this movement? It’s got to be an organization with national reach. Think of the murders: Columbine, UWV, Tucson, and ask yourself, “How many deaths will it take till [we know] that too many people have died?” And, to quote Rob, “If not now, when?”

Charlie Donaldson LLP LPC
Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan
PO Box 478
Beaver Island, MI 49782

I am passionate about making a difference in the lives of individuals, families and community. There are co-parents who benefit from my education, counsel and mediation services. Many graduate to effective co-parenting for the welfare and peace of their children and themselves.

In protracted PC cases with high-conflict co-parents, it is my experience that arbitration, accountability, and case management are essential for success. As previously stated, the process of PC is dynamic. Each role is inter-dependent and necessary for the Parenting Coordinator to be effective. In fact, some families with whom I have worked for over 3 years, unfortunately still need me in the role of arbitrator because they won’t make the requisite changes to conclude PC. The education, counsel, and mediation efforts on my part are washed away by the tide of chronic anger and entrenched conflict. In the absence of authority to make decisions during impasses, co-parents end up no longer invested in mediation and return to previous positions of recalcitrance, control, acting out, and litigation.

High-conflict co-parents usually have one or both parents with characterlogical disorders. Consequently, they are prone to harbor deep resentments, to act out feelings, and avoid accountability. They aren’t interested in solving conflict or protecting the welfare of their children as much as they are invested in exacting revenge, getting or maintaining control, and self-fulfillment. These co-parents need to be held accountable and they need help making decisions for their children because they are sacrificing their children on the altar of perpetual conflict, bitterness, self-righteousness, and unresolved ex-spousal issues.

“Simple” decisions such as where the parent parks to pick up the kids, who cuts the children’s hair, and whether the children take swimming lessons in the Spring can unleash intense emotions, control issues and irrational acting-out behaviors. In the event that the Parenting Coordinator doesn’t have the ability to arbitrate these decisions in the moment of crisis, the co-parents will likely continue these destructive patterns with no hope of change.

Early in the PC process, the co-parents often receive education about co-parenting, child development, divorce recovery and the like. They also experience, at times, successful mediation when they craft agreements supplemental to the court order that are supposed to guide their behavior and decisions. Nonetheless, the years of making agreements, and receiving education and counsel don’t get internalized and manifested in behavioral change, hence the problems in character development.

Consequently, the co-parents improve at finding loopholes in agreements, while avoiding accountability. They are uncanny in getting various professionals in the system to argue amongst each other. Eventually, these characterlogically disordered co-parents learn that the Parenting Coordinator only has the power to help them mediate conflict and the co-parents aren’t interested in that, only in controlling, and hurting their co-parent, while gaining control and satisfaction in the process. Also, they grow wary of the process because they believe that PC doesn’t work, saying in exasperation, “there is no accountability”. Interestingly, this is a retort said not looking in the mirror, but pointing their finger at the co-parent sitting across from them in my office.

Eventually the process disintegrates into co-parent accusations of Parenting Coordinator incompetence, bias, and collusion with the divorce industry. I’ve heard many of complaints including, “I’ve lost respect for you, you have no power to do anything about this”, “If we are supposed to be meeting with you to keep us out of court why has [my co-parent] taken me to court time and time again while meeting with you? This makes no sense to me, we now get to pay lawyers fees and your fees. I guess that works well for you guys.”

This disintegrating process is frustrating for Parenting Coordinators like me. I am interested in solving problems rather than being powerless in the middle of problems. The inability to arbitrate in the moment to promote accountability and the lack of coordination amongst professionals creates an inadequate system to effectively work with these difficult co-parents. Essentially, the dysfunctional co-parents remain in control. And the history suggests that when they are in control, the children suffer.

I envision that some day we will have a family court that operates similarly to a drug court. This would involve working with these high-conflict families very intensely in a team/case management approach, where communication and cooperation is essential to be effective. The high-conflict cases would perhaps be involved in parenting coordination and counseling while at times litigating and being evaluated. The professionals involved at such time (Judge, Parenting Coordinator, Attorneys, Guardian Ad Litems, Counselors, Evaluators, Mediators, etc) would meet together at regularly scheduled times to make decisions in the best interest of the children. This would be intensive and expensive for a short period, yet likely successful and cost effective in the long run.

I predict that the majority of the co-parents would experience a system of professionals that didn’t unwittingly perpetuate litigation, disorder and conflict, but a system that pro-actively fostered accountability, communication and resolution. The systemic case management approach would discourage the very problems we are all interested in resolving. Instead, I believe the current system of working with these high conflict families is designed to be less than effective. Although, the system has historically evolved from a highly adversarial paradigm, it is my hope that we can continue to evolve to meet the needs of these families and truly serve the best interests of the children.

It is my hope that these developing stories of Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner will help individuals and communities deal more effectively with sex addiction. Our understanding and acceptance of sex addiction is decades behind alcohol addiction. Men and women can stand up and tell communities they have an alcohol addiction without necessarily experiencing rejection or ex-communication. On the contrary, sex addiction is often met with disgust, misunderstanding, and rejection. This cultivates the very isolation that makes the addiction grow. Addiction is like fungus; it grows in the dark, and dies in the light. The more individuals come out and talk about sex addiction, hopefully, the more communities will understand and work with the addicts. Insofar as alcoholics need accountability and support to recover, sex addicts do as well.

Treatment for sex addiction is a journey in recovery; a life-long process. Recovery begins with personal accountability and self-management. It expands to character and emotional development, relationship healing, and increased intimacy. It is my earnest hope that Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner experience the aforementioned journey and that their stature and visibility will empower individuals to get help, and communities to work with recovering addicts.