MenTal fUrbAll

I'm not perfect But I keep trying

2010-05-13T15:31:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I've been running around looking for a job, relaxing, enjoying the actually low stress of not working in a call center anymore and praying for a lotto win or just some epiphany on what I want to do now. Everyone keeps asking me what do I want for a job, what makes me happy and all I know is it's a variety of different things. I love baking, laughing, cleaning and taking pictures. I love listening to music and writing. Is there a job out there that incorporates all that? Let's not forget helping people and animals and I have some varrief and incongruent interests.

Oh I know what I don't want. I don't want a call center job, I don't want to be tied to a phone and have the rules of conduct changed on me second by second whim by whim. I want consistency and loyalty from an employer. I have yet to find that dream job, the one where Ii work hard and am appreciated and promoted. I am not that ambitious, but I'm loyal and trustworthy and I want to work somewhere for the rest of my working life. I'm tired of this finding a new job every 3 years BS that's been happening. And now too, in the middle of a recession I'm trying to find work with the other 600 people laid off from my workplace and everyone else who is also looking.

I have little money and a worse for wear wardrobe and I need a sugar daddy or an inheritance fast, but I'll make it work - I have to. The fun starts June First when I can't pay rent and continues on until I get evicted or a job, whatever comes first. Keep blogging.

You are such a jerk

2010-03-22T18:54:00.002-04:00

I don't get the 'kids' today. I don't necessarily mean people of a certain age either. it seems this particular form of ego centric assholery isn't strictly reserved for the young, but many of the youth of today partake in it with a licentiousness that is frightening. It's beyond disgusting what they feel passes as 'being a friend' these days. Some people don't know any better, treating their 'friends' ans Marie Antoinette treated the rabble is their modus operandi. Their friends a\k\a followers accept this treatment and ignore most of it for whatever reason, as they feel that what they get from being around this person is worth it.

The Jekyll and Hydes are the worst. Ususally they want something from you and while they are getting it they are sweet as pie. After a fashion thinly veiled barbs and insults appear and eventually all conversation devolves into a feud with them, because they are so very insecure that they use whatever they can to bellittle others to make themselves feel better. I'd like to say I feel sorry for this lot, however I know the road to self love doesn't come from being petty, viscous and absolutely rude to everyone including themselves. There is a subset of these types, the openly two faced, who, while torturing some with their 'friendship' are actually nice to anyone else who happens by, to demonstrate again, their superiority and how inferior the brunt(s) of their bullshit is\are. While somewhat less distasteful to the masses, who are generally blinded by the passing whim of kindness, this subset is as objectionable as the first sentence of this paragraph suggests.

I have yet to find any real value in putting someone else down to make myself feel good. I can be a bitchy and catty as the next, but I'm usually just a mirror. I really feel satisfaction in giving them the same bullshit they are feeding me. They don't like that, it usually makes them worse, however it's karma baby. If they think I suck for doing that wait til the real karma kicks in and they're asking me if I want fries with that in their next job\life. It hardly takes karma that long to start kicking your ass.

Keep blogging !

if your heart is nowhere in it

2010-03-07T16:20:00.002-05:00

I hate Hate HATE job interviews. I feel they are like horrible bad dates where the suitor may try to kill you with an axe, only in an job interview only your ego gets shredded. I've never walked out of one feeling better about myself, which is not to say I didn not get the job I usually always do - but the process sux. We're not officially laid off yet either so the business of making time for one is arduous. Skip a day, don't get paid, don't get the job (potentially) and feel beaten and downtrodden for at least a day. My good friend at work says I'm a very funny writer and I should try doing it professionally, adsense my blog up and see if I can score the mother load through ad-clicks. It does sound intriuging but I hesitate because I don't KNOW I'll actually make money.

I wanted to start a baking business. Talked about it a lot last year made a few cakes, everyone loved them it was a good time but my potential partners are running scared because of this lay off and I'm not sure I can do it alone. I need some backup, some poking and prodding to keep me going. Otherwise I just nake for myself and give all my coworkers free stuff and listen to them bitch about getting fat. I actually started cooking it all myself on the off chance that my allergies to artificial colour, flavours and tartarzine as well as MSG were adversely affecting my health. I feel better without all of it and I am losing weight so it seems to be working, albeit slowly. Slow and stead wins the race they say. Hope 'they' are right.

So in the things I didn't mention before category, for a while I was seeing a shrink. My family Dr, also known to me as Dr Useless sent me to get 'help' because he said even though my old Dr sent documentation that I did indeed have PTSD he didn't want to keep giving me the anxiety meds unless it was shrink approved. So off I went to Dr Crazy, she reallt is. Our first meeting she tells me I have authority issues (duh) and we will never connect so she didn't understand why I was there and she probably wouldnt keep me as a patient. I especially like the part where she told me she had no interest in hearing about my 'gorey' past and that that wasn't what therapy was about. She said therapy is about changing the life I have now. Well don't we have to look at how I got here I asked. She said talking is good but it's not necessary. At the end of the session she tells me to think about how I want to change my life and come back and tell her next time. Okey dokey.

I go the next time and she tells me I am an angry little kid blaming everyone and taking no responsibility for myself. She says I'm not really trying to get what I want out of life. She could be right. I haven't resorted to violence to achieve more money, status and power. It works in the movies and it's about the ONLY thing I haven't done - well that and whore myself out. She didn't like that response. She basically wrote me off as a quitter who spends too much time looking for flaws in my superiors rather then working to my full potential and ignoring them. Her real nugget of wisdom form that session was that smokers are seriously unhappy and I should go out of my way to cater to them and be nice to them as their life is so much harder then mine as they have an addiction. Well technically I'm addicted to air, food, water and shelter. Where's my love? Also she told me people with tattoos are sadists, the realized that means you like to hurt others and chaged that to masochists (pronounced by her as machoists). She said that tattoos are a desecration and that people who do that to themselves are deeply troubled. I said it's my temple I'll decorate it as I see fit. She wrote that down to 'remember'.

I didn't stop there. I went back for more german accented Oprah rehash. The third appointment she told me I had wasted most of my life being overweight and it was almost too late for me to change. She wanted me to have Dr Useless refer me to an endocrinologist as he must be either missing something apparent or just skipping over finding a way to make me thin. I also told her I had gotten free tickets to Sexapalooza and took my friend for her Birthday. She told me anyone that thinks sex is funny is depraved, that people that go to sex shows are deeply sexually dysfunctional and need help of the highest sort and that I was a deviant and going to suffer from loneliness forever because I saw nothing wrong with that kind of show or the fact it had a dungeon.

About that time I decided I had had enough with the judgemental Dr Crazy and saw Dr Useless where I told him that she was offended by my weight and wanted me to see an endocrinologist. He got pissed and said she is a medical Dr she can order it herself and then he asked why Iwas going to her at all since we didn't get on. I siad it was because I thought I had to to get my meds. I told him some more of her 'insights and he said the magic words. I will refer you to someone else if you want you don't have to go back there. I haven't been back since. I do so enjoy my life without BS platitudes.

I'm really going to miss all my friends from work when we don't get to see each other anymore. If only someone out there would hire me for a hot office job I'd be set. Keep blogging :)

I heard the news today Oh Boy

2010-01-29T14:11:00.002-05:00

Err well rather we all heard the news Monday. Our crappy call center is closing and all the jobs are moving to the Philippines. My funny meter went off when it was announced that not only are the phone agents, whom management have run into the ground with glee - were getting canned, but management themselves are also getting axed. It's the first time I've seen any of them acting like human beings rather then royalty and it's a nice change. Well most of them are.

Of course I've been looking half heartedly for a job in non call center work for months now and have achieved not even an interview. I'm stepping up my applications but now I have 800+ known people competing with me for most jobs, not including all the other unknown unemployed in the city. Supposedly the City Council is lobbying to keep the jobs, but unless they are willing to give us a city contract and accept by and large we are unilingual then I doubt they will help at all, it's just a press drive for them.

It's no secret that we here can't compete with places like the Philippines for a companies profit margin. Our Minimum wage is high, so is the cost of living. My rent went up January 1st. Milk Eggs and Bread have just gone up at the stores nearest me as well. So I cannot afford for a cut in my wages so the company I work for can increase their profits from the company they contract to, which if we are honest is all the move is about. When the dollar was lower it was easier for American company A to have us take calls for American Company B and now the dollar is higher ( although not as high as it was earlier on) and doesn't seem to be taking anose dive Company A says gee we can make a lot more money if we take this call center over here where we pay out less of what we get to take the calls. So that is what they did. Leaving 800+ indispensable people in their wake.

As a worker bee, someone who actually deals with the clients on a daily basis, I have been constantly made aware of how dispensible I am. It's a little happy making thing to see the management that like to throw around 'fired for (this)' now whining and sobbing about how unjust it is they too are getting tossed out like the rest of us. It makes me happy because they needed to be cut off, they have ridiculously high salaries compared to us and do nothing but go to coffee all day long and talk down to us about how they understand how hard the job is but we have to jump through this hoop and that just to maybe gat an extra .25 cents next pay. And let us not forget if it seems too many can achieve that they'll just alter the stats to make sure they don't, since the actual structure of the 'incentive' is no formally written, passed down or incorporated it can be changed at any time to make sure the company gives the front liners a little as possible.

Greed. It will kill a business everytime. This time it killed us and next time it could kill you. I can't decide if I want to work for someone else or start my own business at this point. I do have the skills to pull it off but I'm a bit scared and have no one to support me in my waffling about my abilities. That alone could keep me stagnant for years, let me tell you! In the mean time I am working on that blog move and redesign and IF you are still following me after last year I will be back. Better and more organised :) We can hope right :) Keep blogging.

Happy New Year I'm still here

2010-01-02T13:32:00.002-05:00

I've been bad. I've been neglectful. Last year was one of melodrama, stress and bullshit and I decided that I didn't want just a bitch blog so I'm back now that things have settled and I've had to reorganise my mind. A dirty mind isn't bad, a cluttered mind makes it hard to sift through to the meaningful and important and make sense of the things going on. I have a new apartment, a new exercise regime and a new stress level so we will see how this goes.

In the mean time here's what I am thankful for getting through last year:

1) the obvious mental breakdown I was suffering
2) almost breaking my ankle and settling for a 3rd degree sprain
3) deciding work was not as evil as my making it the center of my existence had made it become
4) breaking from old habits
5) finding a way to express my creativity through homemade crafts and food
6) leaving bad influences and toxic people behind

Hopefully I'll actually get around to reworking this blog in the near future. We'll see :) Keep writing.

your a heartbreaker dream taker

2009-01-18T14:29:00.002-05:00

There was a time I was confident that whenever something happened to me that if I went to a doctor and told them it would get fixed or at least they'd figure out what it was that was wrong. After 4 plus months of bouncing from GP to neurologist to Eye specialist to ER to MRI and back, I am convinced that only people who have few interesting things going on are actually doctors and that they spend years learning only how to be contemptuous and dismissive. Out of all the appointments I have had to PAY to get to because of Ottawa's beyond STUPID transit strike, all I have to show for my illness is a variety of forms saying that after looking at me I have been pronounced not ill.

We're not talking about being tested here, we're talking about having a drunk test (walk in a straight line, hold your hands out and touch your nose, jump on one foot test) and a reflex test done I have been told that I am not suffering migraines, numbness in my hands feet and face, buzzing in my ears, nausea, dizziness, burning pain in my eyes, eye sockets and hands and arms, seizures in my right hand, jaw spasticity and facial ticks at all. In short I'm suffering unrelated symptoms and have been told that my problems are psychological. I have seen a shrink who says I don't need to see him either because I am not suffering psychologically.

To add to my joy I was forced back to work during this scary time, by the insurance company because the stroke neuro says I didn't have a stroke and the MS neuro says I don't have MS (PS from both - DON'T COME BACK) - while NOTHING else has been examined at all as a cause. I went to my GP friday to be told there's nothing he can do and no he won't test me for anything because I had some blood tests done on or before September last year and I was fine then so I don't need it. Well I'm worse now then I was then soI DO NEED IT. I got so mad I stormed out of his office. He told me if I wanted something done about the seizures I have in my right hand and arm that last for about 2 hours each and leave me unable to use my arm for the better part of 24 hours after - then I had better call the neuros I had already seen and ask if they can be bothered to see me again. I went there thinking that even if he couldn't do anything he would at least pretend that this was a) IMPORTANT NEWS, B) SCARY to me and not to be smirked at and c) say he would get me into a neuro to get this checked out. Apparently proactivity from a doctor these days is ABNORMAL. If I advance from focal to Grand Mal seizures he will believe me. And he also accused me of lying about wht the shrink said, saying "I haven't gotten his report yet so I don't know what he said."

If there is a lawyer out ther reading this can I sue any and all of these freaks for their inability to look for a reason that after 37.5 years of never having these issue I am having them? Can I sue for frustration and plain old malpractice? I can't believe out of the lot of them only one Doctor has found anythig out of the usual and he is an opthamologist. Not the one I expected to believe me after all this or to work hard to determine what the issue is.

I totally hate Doctors all together now and IF it turns out they missed something severe I will sue, that will wipe the smirks and attitudes right out of their universe ( I hope but probably not).

Keep blogging.

well i loooked all over the world

2008-10-26T11:59:00.002-04:00

I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I know there is something wrong with me, I go to the doctor. A lot of the time I'm told I'm wrong and sent off with a different diagnosis or remedy for what I'm told is ailing me. Over the years it's been ok but now that I am having some very atypical issues, it's kinda annoying. I saw Dr. Quack the stroke neurologist Monday and he basically made fun of me. I spent more time talking to the nurse and intern then to him, and when we did speak he didn't really look at me, he had an entire conversation with my knees.

The bottom line, or his anyways, was I didn't have a stroke so he wasn't interested. To sum up he said I didn't really have migraines I had tension headaches, that I kept getting headaches because I took medication to get rid of them and to stop that and suffer with it. Also according to him my hands face and feet are numb because I have carpal tunnel and my eye issues can be chalked up to bad glasses so I should get my prescription updated.

I had the EMG where they basically zap you with varying degrees of voltage to see how the nerve conducts, and it really hurt at the high end and on the 'funny' bone, but the testers assessment is that I DO NOT have carpal tunnel in the least. Take that Dr. Quack. My family Dr. desperately wants me to have an MRI and I have an appointment with a neurologist the 20th November - this one is supposed to be a headache Dr., and if that doesn't work out I have an appointment at the Headache Clinic in March to see another headache Dr. because DR. Quack believes in referrals so I got referred right away from him alright.

In the meantime I am well disappointed that I don't know what's going on yet. I was hoping I'd get lucky and know something by now but nope. And of course the insurance people are screwing me around for my short term, apparently everyone thinks I should go to work and leave sick everyday thereby ensuring I get paid even less then the stupid sick pay, because then no one would have to do any work over there at Sunlife. I don't think they work much anyways since returning calls is the easiest thing to do and they don't. I really love not being able to work and panicking about being evicted because they think it's funny to send me 100$ a week, which is less then waht I make in a day at work.

I'm going to go cry. Keep blogging.

all of these lines upon my face tell you the story of who I am

2008-10-09T16:13:00.002-04:00

I've been lax again but I have a really good reason. I've been getting weird headaches, blurred vision, numbness in my hands and face, and a host of other on going and annoying issues. My Dr won't guess what's wrong, except it maybe MS. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing (yes I had my head examined and there's nothing there) but no one wants to list possible conditions that include the above and other symptoms. It's kept me from work and I can't travel far without feeling like hell but other then that contemplating how I would live my life as someone with a disability such as this has been on my mind as of late. It makes me kind of all brood and no fun gal.

I'm seeing a neurologist on the 20th so hopefully something will be found out then and I can get fixed up and figure out how to live my life with whatever is the issue.

Keep blogging.

dishing out love to a hungry world tell me would that appease you

2008-09-14T21:03:00.002-04:00

Yea so I'm not Joe Sanity these days. My POS job is giving me migraines. Mostly because I care. I care that I'm getting passed over for promotions that I work for, ask for and lobby for all the while being told that I can't have it because I haven't been doing X long enough, or if I want to advance in the company I should move to get a better job. All that while watching people who are just days and weeks into the contract get the training I asked for and I know they aren't doing a better job then I am. How? Becuase all these newly advanced are more then willing to tell you how they are fucking the dog and yet they still get the breaks. I'm pretty sick of it and the smug bullshit of my managers.

I keep looking for guidance here, I mean what do I do? Who do I turn to? Everyone I ask has a different story and most won't leave the job because they won't get paid the same somewhere else. I can say that right now money isn't driving me as far as making a decision, I want a little more stability and knowing I can't really lose this job isn't the sticking point it used to be. I'm tired of the building, the people, the blame game where no one is ever responsible for anything or willing to actually help you out. There is NO upward or lateral mobility here for me and being told that my best options for advancement would be to physically move from Canada to the US is bullshit. A week later there is a position open I've also been told I won't qualify for because I've been sick lately, so my attendance is bad. Fuck you!!

It's not that I love my job or the people. I actually hardly see anyone I used to be pals with because we all have different schedules and we don't socialise outside of work so I can't even say I'll miss the people. I don't have a set schedule and no idea what I can do to get one short of getting a doctors note saying I have restrictive work hours. So I've been looking. Actively looking. Not just looking at jobs that will take me to bigger and better paycheques either, actually just looking for anything that seems interesting. Currently I'm planning to apply at a nearby grocery store that has fulltime postions open so that if I get that and the pay isn't too low I can just quit Hell and move onto something else I may hate soon enough but eill enjoy learning and doing for a while.

I keep reading my hororscpe and it keeps saying to stop doing what I've always done and good things will happen. Well I need a little more then that, because depending on the time I've stuck with a job not quitting til something better came along like more money or hours, I've left without having a job to go to, I've left high paying and gone to service jobs just to not be doing the same thing all the time and I've tried my damndest to get soemthing that sounded interesting just to see if I could. Except for the quitting part I'm doing all of the above now. Applying to higher paying jobs, jobs in a differnt line with higher pay, jobs in a different line with lower pay and anything that sounds interesting. The road block I keep hitting is mental. People keep asking what I want to do, well I want to do anything I can to make money. It's not that I'm unskilled or looking to be more of a slacker I just want something fulfiulling and that doesn't leave me with no options. I don't want another dead end job.

There are a lot of cons to this need I have to break free of the call center. If I go somewhere else I'm on probation for the first 3-6 months and can be fired anytime. I may not have any benefits or the same retirement options I have now, I am almost 40 does being a job hopper now look bad or is being satisfied with my job all that matters? Why can't I find a niche were asking questions and being a customer service fiend is enough? Where it doesn't get me labelled as a trouble maker or berated and or yelled at by some a-hole manager who feels imparting wisdom is like a tongue lashing and is wrong anyways. I really HATE my current job and I'm doing all I can not to quit or do so poorly that there is no suprise I'm leaving, but it's starting to seem like this is all in an effort to force certain people out of the door. I'm going to apply everywhere. And I'm going to talk to unemployment because my job duties have radically changed and I have no ability to ever earn more at my job. I'm sure they'll tell me to piss off and that I'm a whiner but I have to pursue all my options.

Keep blogging.

is it any wonder i don't know what's right

2008-09-08T21:56:00.002-04:00

I finally got the gumption to start looking for a web host service and emailed a local place that offers domain services and hosting. Of course they didn't get back to me. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with these places? Ok I'm not a business and I won't be making a lot of money from my site, but I'm willing and able to pay not only for the domain name and hosting but all I want is the ability to run a wordpress blog and I get zip.

I'm getting to the point where I'm too pissed to care. I just realized my second last post didn't post it was stuck in drafts for no reason. My job SUCKS and I'm getting numb about it, I am literally only there because of the money now and every day it's an argument I have with myself that I have to go there and do the work to get the money so I can have the things I really want. Of course that doesn't include a life because I am a shift worker and socializing doesn't factor in when they decide to make you work weekends 10 hours a day and with random days off that you won't know about more then 2 weeks in advance. While they will positively batter you within an inch of your life about the time you want to retire, they seem to feel that disabling your ability to plan in advance will in any way hamper your desire to remain with the company. Don't even get me started on the fact that being a woman in this dump guarantees you less ability to move up on the now non existent ladder from agent to anything else. Oh I HATE my job.

I'm at the point now where I am starting to panic about how worthless my entire life is, my job stress dripping into every part of my existence. I want different, better or at least someplace where being appreciated isn't just a lip service event. I am starting to fear that I'll just quit, fuck the pension, the benefits the above minimum wage pay. I almost want to cry with frustration when my alarm goes off and I know I have to get up and go to that damned job. I'm seriously contemplating calling in to join a generalized depression study since for months now I don't want to even leave the house and see others, work day or not. Well actually I've always been generally anxious, paranoid and suspicious. I had a bad childhood you see.

I am not at all happy that I haven't kept up with this blog, but I will make the excuse that despite the mental trauma my job is causing me and the physical suffering that has induced, I am making other efforts to be kinder and fuzzier to myself that are making other area of my life better. Since taking a firmer grip on my diet and eliminating almost all artificial colours, flavours, sweetners, tartarzine and msg I feel better and am forced to actually cook for myself (egads!). I've had those food allergies for years and never thought much about them but have noticed since I started eliminating that from my diet I am losing weight and having fewer allergt headaches (sinus related). Not that I inhale my food but I swear somehow eating it would cause sinus issues for me. I'm not 100% allergy free as I'm still allergic to the rest of the world but it's helping to lessen the overall drearyness of the allergy seasong for me and that is always a good thing.

Keep blogging.

The Tudors

2008-09-01T11:45:00.002-04:00

I've been watching the Tudors lately. As far as a tv show goes it's very interesting and pretty to look at. Being that history is something I've always been interested in I can't take the show too seriously since it takes great pains to dramatize certain things and downplay, rewrites or ignores others to forward the story. Once I started watching I got hooked, at first I was a bit put off by all the emphasis on sex, but let's face it it's a cable series and sex is what makes them go boom right? Looking past that it's nice to see a show that regardless of the titles given to the events like the restoration or the excommunication or execution - it's nice to see a show that to me gloriously revels in the theme of power and what people will do with it, to get it and to keep it.

I myself have had a fascination with the kings of old since I discovered Arthur when I was 8, however I have travelled down the road through the monarchies of Russia, Austria, Italy, Spain, France, Britain with equal abandon. I like to find out who did what to who and why, royalty is the original soap opera. Especially how it is portrayed here in the Tudors. This is fairly dramatic soap opera fare but soap opera none the less. I love the costumes and the banter, althought the time line is sketchy and somewhat impossible for me to follow since Henry the 8th rarely changes in appearance yet years go by in a coupls of episodes. What most brought to mind the soap opera anaolgy for me wasn't so much the wailing whinyness of Queen Anne, but the soap opera ploy of have a kid, the kid leaves for a bit and when it returns it is suddenly much older then the time that seems to have passed. It happens with Mary and Elizabeth the King's daughters, and I may have missed it but I'm still not sure it was mentioned that Charles had a child until the boy appeared.

It's nice to see a show that wants to go back and show that intrigue and deception, passion and brutality existed then as it does now. Dress it up however you may but people are still using sex and jealousy to get what they want, still using threats and force to get things done. Those in power still have money and finery and women whille in that time were powerless pawns here portrayed as puppets of their reaching families; can have a mind of their own and desires that drive them to good and evil. For the most part to me th Tudors is interesting in showing how all people at the time may have been, without over emphasising the social structures or conventions of the times to limit the characters we are allowed to imagine the people of the day and judge them with our current values.

Using current values to look at the events of times past isn't always a good thing. It leads some characters to be vague and purposeless for their behaviour isn't explaind in the context of their social norms they are presented as if they were someone from today and I'm fairly sure someone from today would most likely have been killed on sight if not once they spoke, for the differences in customs from now to then are so great. Yet in this series the customs are only hinted at or outlined to us, not followed to the letter. I think the show would be less entertaining and elegent if that were the case because the social niceties of the time were many. By using the events and people I feel the series does a nice job of creating interest in the history of the time and weaving a fanciful tale of how it all could have been. Historical innacuracies be damned, it's a good one to watch.

don't you want me baby?

2008-07-25T18:45:00.002-04:00

It's bee a long time, so long I can't remember when I last wrote here and it wasn't intentional either I've just been trying really hard to do other things and ended up neglecting the blog. Poor blog. But now I'm back. At least for now.

Nothing overly exciting has been going on. I am told by my stat counter that people still come here to see if I wrote anything. I appologise to you all for not saying boo for so long, however I got in the way and now I'm trying to get back to being out of the way of the blog. We'll see how that goes.

The most exciting things I have done lately is make a budget, adhere to a budget and freak out about all the thousands I owe to my now totally found Student Loans. If I could have held out I may have had better things happen but in the interest of being honest I looked for them and am realizing now that truly they will never be paid off, and I don't have a job in my field either. Hot damn.

I went to my own double feature today. I love ABBA so I went to see Mama Mia. I love Meryl Streep and the cheesy over the topness didn't grate too much, but damn Pierce can't sing. Don't forget to watch the end credits, they're a a hoot. It's an all signing all dancing ABBA fest that is a little unrepentant in it's lusty willingness to drag out any ABBA song that may fit the bill. Granted mostly it's girls singing, so the men when they do sing are noticeable and easy to pinpoint. I happen to think Christine Baranski and Julie Walters little solos are genius, especially since the majority of the movie is Streep or Amanda Seyfried centric. Not everyone is an agile singer in this one, and that's ok. Seyfried sounds like a pop princess, Streep reminds me of Broadway with her

I didn't go to see that though, I went to see the Xfiles. I couldn't not go. It's a show I still watch today on DVD, and I really like the characters. Despite there being an obvious aging of the people involved I quite liked it. It's a good thriller that conforms to the genre and precepts of the show. Scully's grating waffling not withstanding, I know every time the case is faith based she has some weird allergic reaction to Mulder and or the situation and wants to pack it all in, so I sat there and watched that allegory for the umpteenth time and waited for the plot to progress. Progress it did, and yeah you can say some of it is contrived and forced and possibly done to end the series once and for all. But it was still action, adventure, bitchiness, perception, gore and freakishness - totally Xfiles to me. Go see it, if you like the show at all you like the movie.

where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods

2008-05-25T10:36:00.002-04:00

It's been a while, but I've been trying the whole put a positive spin on things slant. So while I've been flipped from midnight shifts to straight mornings with but 2 days grace to get used to it. And while I HATE billing contracts and people screaming about 3 cents I sit every day praying that I'm not brining on any kind of hypertension or raising my blood pressure to damaging levels because I am pushing 40 and I don't want to be another statistic especially based on my family history.

I still hate my job, most all of us in my training class do. Hardly anyone has quit yet as we all need a paycheque to replace this one before we can do that. If I was certain I could get 2 part time jobs as soon as I left this job I'd leave now. I can pay my rent for next month already, I can scrounge for more. Thing is though, there have been a lot of lay offs in town recently, layoffs of people doing the exact same job as I was who are now coming to my workplace to get hired because it's not the same job but we're always hiring. Call centres can't keep people because they're designed to shoot you out. With crappy shifts and outrageous work loads for not even remotely what someone hired directly by the company would get, people don't feel allegiance to the job or the company paying them, usually not to the company they are being paid to represent either. In some cases they will feel allegiance to having their rent paid or their mortgage so they stick it out. That doesn't make having a shitty job any easier.

So I am applying like mad to higher paying, or about equal paying jobs and hearing nothing. I did get some kind of computer generated response telling me I was way over qualified to work for X company and to try somewhere else. That so didn't make my day. In a country where all you are hearing about is shortages and giant flocks of retirees leaving and a demand to replace them, you wouldn't think being over qualified would matter. If we are really supposed to change jobs ever 5-7 years (more like 3-4 for me) then why is it so hard to get into a position that you have experience doing? It's either not enough or too much and no one wants you. Thing is you can never gauge by the add and tailor your resume enough that you are showing only enough to make them interested.

So this is what I've been doing. I've been trying to figure out how I ended up in generation gets fucked over. It's really starting to seem like all those things I was promised while growing up, that there'd be lots of jobs and there'd always be a need for hard working people - well it's bullshit. Unless someone owes you a favour you aren't going to get a better deal. I've passed all the tests, dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's and I may end up becoming a maid, because they'll take anyone who can drive and pass a criminal check, they pay as well as where I am now and they really don't give a shit if I'm a rocket scientist they want someone who shows up and does the job. Which I totally am. Too bad the rest of the employers out there don't seem interested in a worker who wants to work.

don't stop me now

2008-04-11T18:05:00.002-04:00

It's a rainy grey day here in old Ottawa. It's dull and dreary, just like the outlook on my current job. Billing is something I have never enjoyed, and working in a call centre doing billing makes me wish I could just be punched in the head for pay. Yeah I really don't like it. I went and applied for a few other jobs, but those will take time to hear from, so in the meantime I have to stay where I am and try not to burst into tears. I've never been that good at raging insincerity, but I know a lot of people who are and they will excel in this job I'm sure.

While looking for jobs I got myself a credit card and I got a new hard drive and ram for my computer. In my remaining spare time I hooked back up with my BBF pre college and perfected my low fat, wholewheat oatmeal chocolate chip recipe. Yippee. So my current weekend will be full of reformatting and installing hard ware, which I'm sure will make me homicidal so I'm also looking to shop a bit. I'm thinking about what exactly I'll go looking for but rest assured I'll find something to amuse and satiate my need to own stuff.

In the past, since the last post, I have also become one with my inner conflictionary - and have decided that I am giving up that need for conflict. In the absence of that drive consumerism has taken over and has been constantly at war with my inner scrooge. Scrooge is winning, funnily enough, so I see no harm in indulging the consumer with some window shopping. At worst I buy a lot of things, at best I get a day out, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a new pair of sneakers. All things I actually need. Keeping to the do-I-really-need-it mentality has been keeping money in the bank. Of course all that personal do goodery is making my outward pessimist panic and things I can't control are generally on the worst case scenario tip -> but it's all good.

Keep blogging.

no one is watching me slide under street level barely alive

2008-03-22T00:25:00.001-04:00

Right this second I feel very run down. Almost run over. Life is disappointing these day at best and I don't know how quite to turn th\is frown upside down. People appear to be creatures of lies and fear, and I'm really tired of all of it. I'm tired of other people's dear and their obnoxious lies. It's all getting to me this full moon, and while I don't have to deal directly with the freaks that come out as customers on these days, I have plenty of freaks to deal with right where I am.

From listening to someone do the simper and moan about their incompatibility with their other, pandering for someone to tell them they are not a freak and they are right and justified. I can see the end to the relationship coming, if you're so needy of outside validation then inside not only is it not there it's not EVER coming. I watch people everyday who don't tell themselves the hard truth, who fear to do what they want and beg others to assist them in justifying it.

Do I justify that Belgian chocolate pound cake I got for Easter? Nope. I bought it and I ate it and if I had another I'd eat it too. I also ate the yummy rainbow trout fillet I got and I'm going to keep eating because I need food to eat. Am I over eating? Yes, not as much as I have in the past, not for the exact same reasons either, but a little none the less. And I am aware I will have to work on that. I am responsible for it and working to not do it. Like any bad habit it is HARD to break.

On the other hand I am getting exercise. Ice, snow, slush and rain can't stop me and I have sore legs to prove it too. Just getting to the street these past weeks has been a hike and I never thought I'd like hiking that much. Apparently I do. I also like living alone. Of course I have to force myself out of the house on a regular basis. Not because I love the privacy and low stress so much, but because I have no motivation to leave the house now. Disliking living conditions is a sure fire way to get oneself moving and otherwise you are just finding something else to do. It's what I do anyways, I just excuse my reticence to leave the house by manufacturing something more important to do.

I'm giving up excuses for Lent, and forever. I am tired of them and the lameness they inspire. Instead I plan to work harder to make the thing I want happen. I haven't quite built the solid resolve I need to not fall back to making excuses, but I'm trying and that's half the battle right now.

Keep blogging.

that's not the end of my world just a slight change of plan

2008-03-15T04:30:00.001-04:00

There comes a time when you look around and wonder what the fuck am I trying so hard for? I work hard to get ahead and am devalued at work. I work hard to keep friendships alive while others toss them aside as if they were used kleenex. I try hard to stay fit, not break my diet and be a good person. I try to not be cynical about another lousy 10 cent pay increase, when I'm doing a whole lot more work and getting better feedback then almost everyone. Life is always playing favourites, and I'm not on that team. I get it.

This doesn't stop the overachiever in me from striving to be the best, and being mad when my work goes unnoticed. Or the optimist in me from hoping that it will all turn out well in the ens and being forever disappointed at the next shitty thing that happens. It doesn't stop me from trying, but I'm starting to wonder why bother. All these people around me aren't trying for shit and they seem to be getting everything they want. The better raise, the better shift, the house and car. The move on to the better jobs and I keep trying to get some faceless employer out there to notice me and after I'm hired, to place real value in me.

But I am not an ass kisser. I am not a toady. I do not not ask the hard questions, and I argue to be explained to when I don't understand. I am not the go with the flow, ply the boss with falsities to get what I want kind. I have little interest in office politics and so am ever the last to know anything. This riles me up. It makes me dislike the things I try too hard to ignore, even more. I've only had one job I loved and one boss who real,ly understood and valued me. I miss those days when everything seemed easy and finding a place seemed possible.

Now I'm forced to wonder what tomorrow will be. How I will be lumped in with all the other people who don't try, can't or won't make their numbers and just don't care. Because there is no I in team, no one here values the individual, rather the statistics are key and they alone will get you by. But I'm kind of tired of just getting by. Maybe it's time to really move on. Time to get a real job, not just another this will do job. I've made an unstable career out of them already. So now I have to fight with my need for certainty and security to face the jungle of probationary periods and job interviews looking for the elusive job I'll like and boss who gets me. Would I settle for one or the other? Probably. But I'm praying for both.

Keep blogging.

it falls apart in little pieces on the floor

2008-03-14T00:54:00.003-04:00

There is always the other shoe. If everything is calm and peaceful and flowing smoothly there is always something that will happen to kink it up. The other shoe falls and things go wacky. We're losing our contract. If it isn't enough i just moved now I may be looking for a job, and I HATE that. I really don't love the idea of doing billing and having people scream at me day in and out and about whatever, because they can and we can't hang up. I don't like that idea one bit. I am already weighing my options.

Of course my options so don't pay what I make now. Leaving this job means MORE loss. A pay cut, a loss of benefits, loss of vacation, loss of friends. I can't forget leaving for anything but another call centre makes me a regular joe, and that pretty much ruins my schedule of vampirish nightowlism. I finally got into the graveyard groove and mow I'll be back on days. Not days I get to pick either, but I may get the weekends off by default. Maybe, because no one know anything for certain. No one that is talking to me anyways.

But I've been thinking of this for a while. Thinking getting a real job, an actual 9-5, regular office job would be awesome. I have only applied for one, because I want to go where I am interested in and not another stop gap job where I while away my days, watching my life disappear doing nothing I even remotely care about because it's easy. Because I'm too lazy to try to get something else. Something better, something where I actually may have value and a boss I like (haven't had but 1 or 2 yet).

So despite all the rigmarole I've been through lately, all the angst and annoyance, the total stress and bullshit of the move and making the money to afford this choice -> now I have to make another series of stressful and hard choices that could leave me unemployed if I get turfed in the 3 month probationary period all jobs seem to have now. Maybe I'll get lucky. I'll walk in and BAM we'll click and all will be AWESOME. Because I believe in fairy tales and I really need this last bit here to be the last shoe to drop. I have several complete sets now. So universe, if you're reading, be awesome.

Keep blogging.

i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

2008-03-05T16:05:00.005-05:00

So I live this close to a water tower now. I've heard that that means your water pressure will be good. It's frickin amazing. Funny how water blasting out of the taps makes something so worthwhile eh? There seems to be one dedicated chain smoker on each floor so I can't escape the smell of cigarettes, however I live alone now so there are no interrupts, inconveniences or imperfections that I don't orchestrate myself these days. God that's nice.

My previous roommates seem to think emailing me and letting me know that there is a message on their machine is good enough for relaying. Not giving me the name and number of the caller or anything, that may be divulging too much. I swear the more I'm away from them the dumber they appear when I hear from/see them again. Oh well. We weren't truly friends anyway.

It's been a couple of years since I lived alone and so getting used to it, while not really an issue, is more related to getting used to being in an apartment building then anything. Like how whenever I'm in a rush the elevator stops on every freaking floor, especially the 2nd - to take people to the 1st. Geez people from the 2nd floor, walk to the 1st it isn't that far. I'd walk myself but I haven't yet, and I live several floors above you. It appears people are perpetually moving out of this place too, so I don't know if it bodes well for the longevity of this living situation or not.

This weekend me and my pals are going to the Ottawa Women's Show. It'll be fun to go with others and grab freebies and such. Then I'll spend the night at work so we'll see how incredibly tired the show and Turkish food leave me. I don't think it can be worse then all the snow and ice rain we've had recently. I look at it all and can't help but think when it does get warm, people may flood. At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Keep blogging.

there you go way too fast don't look out you're gonna crash

2008-02-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Ah how is it after the move there's always something else that goes wrong? I got my insurance, all the missing pieces for making the perfect home and I even have curtains. Lime green and funky as hell but curtains none the less. I'm turning into a grown up and then I get a cold. A fairly craptastic head cold that's migrated to my larynx and now I have laryngitis. Yeeha. Well at least it's a simple something that went wrong. Some thing that can be fixed and I'll be fine by Monday I'm sure. Until then it's all about the resting up and ignoring the haters.

I currently don't really have cable so now I have to entertain myself in less commercially endorsed ways and it's been fun actually. Catching up on movies I haven't seen before and all, it's really nice having the ability to just catch up on things - thanks writers strike. Of course I do have many programs I was watching and may feel compelled to get cable come September to make myself one with the potential prime time schedule or I may have over come my complacency addiction.

I'll keep you informed. Must go drink lots of orange juice. Keep blogging.

with the sun in your eyes and on your own

2008-02-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

I made it. I moved to my new place Friday. Lucky, lucky me the movers came before the snow did so me and my crap were all here when the blizzard happened. Yeeha.

As it is, no one did make it out to assist me, other then the paid variety that is. I do feel I paid too much, but I'm cheap and the movers were fast, friendly and funny. Really funny. It made everything nice and better. Even when I had to haul my large ass into the cab of the moving van, 4 feet off the ground to go the new address. Yes, they even gave me a ride to the new place instead of letting me walk. Such sweethearts I tell ya. The took my bed apart and put it back together because some of the screws are stripped. I kind of wished I hadn't mangled my self taking that futon apart for they would have put it back together for me too. Oh well.

I'm here now and I need curtains and a strong strong person to change my shower head. Other then that, it's cool. I'm having an issue with the space difference here as opposed to there. The fridge is so small and it whines when it runs so it's taking some getting used to. I am getting a storage locker so I don't have to store anything I'm not using in my wee apartment. Aside from the usual scrapes and bruises from taking apart my place and putting it back together I have torn my rotator cuff so I have to take it easy peasy with my right arm. Not the best fighting shape for work the next few days that's for sure.

So I'm in, unpacking, trying to relax and get back to my overnight schedule. Hopefully all the kids on this floor won't make that too hard. Keep blogging.

i just needed someone to talk to you were far too busy with yourself

2008-01-25T21:44:00.001-05:00

I hate moving. All the packing and sorting and throwing stuff out. I've been bruising my hands carrying stuff around, breaking my nails and generally being surprised how easy it is to get rid of years of collective crap. I took all my old journals, the bitchy whiny shit I've been hauling around because it seemed so important to remember what happened and I shredded it all. It was all the same, really. Years and years of blithering. Not one awesome thing to say, nothing profound. I've given all that up so I got rid of that too. Who did what to who, what I perceived to be going on. Who gives a shit? Not me anymore.

Of course I've still got tonnes of stuff to lug around. I have reams of poetry no one reads. I'll eventually get it all online but lately I've not had the time or taste for it. Half my family isn't talking to me. My sister went through her bi-annual I hate you's by picking a fight on the phone with me, hanging up when I refused to answer her then she emailed me with the intent of ruining my birthday - to tell me how I ruined her life and how I hate her. I've heard this all before and I just don't care. She says she's happy and has moved on, I call Bullshit and she stops talking to me. Oh well. This is nothing new.

The new stuff is way more freaky. Aside from having 3 dinners for my birthday I actually got a present. I lost my hat during one dinner, but I found it a few days later so it's really all good. The really FREAKY part is that apparently my dead ex husband (did I mentioned I laughed maniacally about that?) didn't take me off his RSP and I have inherited it. I don't know if it was an oversight, that he figured that since he drained the other one if there was anything to transfer it would go to a new account or if it was on purpose regardless of the account, or he just didn't think of it and never took my name off the account. Either way I now have more savings locked in then before. I now need to get that stuff updated. I need to get there and fix up my name and stuff. We aren't married and he's dead, I sure don't want to keep his name now. Not that I did before, but I need a push because I'm kinda lazy about these little details. This just really shows you why you shouldn't be.

I've been making changes, big and small. I chopped all my hair off and now have a funky shag which I'm loving. I'm committed to losing even more weight in the new year, even without a gym membership I've been doing ok so I now have access to 11 flights of stairs I can take and I'm looking into aquafit classes, I love to swim so why not?

Keep blogging.

your silver grin, sticking it in

2008-01-13T22:21:00.001-05:00

There is always someone who is going to resent what you have. People are jealous creatures. Whether they resent your status, fame, wealth, brains, beauty or material goods someone out there thinks they are better and more deserving then you of everything. There are names for these people. Climbers, reachers, wannabes. What ever you call them, you know at least one and you know someone who they have targeted as the object of their derision.

Of course it's possible that they have more then one target, or that everyone they talk to they then turn around and talk about with something negative to say. There are people who are just negative about everything and everyone and then there are the trash talkers, the ones who never have anything good to say about anyone because it makes them feel better. Let's face it, unless we don't speak and are socially retarded, we've all engaged in trash talking at some point - about people we do and don't know. This is also known as gossip.

There are people out there who will be nice to you your whole life, just to talk about you behind your back. They will deny it to your face too. Then there are those that will tell you to your face what they say behind your back, which is nice because it cuts the lying - but most people won't believe it anyways.

There will always be people in your life who want to know about you so they can take that information and use it to 'inform' others in a gossipy fashion, highlighting and or totally distorting what ever you may have actually said. People talk, and people love to talk about other people. There are entire businesses built upon that idea. Tabloids anyone? The simple fact is that the only way no one will ever say anything about you to anyone is if they A don't know you or B are dead, otherwise, at some point, they're going to say something. It may not be nice, it may not be something you want to hear - but if you're lucky they will be your friend and telling you whatever they may to someone else. Otherwise, well you've just risen in the ranks of the tabloids.

Keep blogging.

wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song

2008-01-05T03:13:00.001-05:00

It doesn't matter who did what to who. What lie was told, what agreement was forgotten in malice or self centered-ness. What matters is this is a new year. What matters is I know what I want and what I won't accept. No one else needs to know what will happen, I'm the only one that matters.

Some may say I am a little late to adopting the mantra of Generation Y - ME ME ME it's all about ME, but I'm Gen X so what does it matter? People may rail at that assessment, however I know a great many Gen Y-ers and it's all the same, self centered talky talk about what they want and and deserve. Being vocal about that is never a bad thing, being too reticent to go get it is. I am neither. I don't spend a lot of time talking about what I want I just go get it. This can be a good and bad thing, however it is mostly how I manage to succeed in my plans so I'll rate it as an over all positive.

In the spirit of being positive I'm going to endeavour to enlighten this blog. I will also work to getting back to the poetry, however that may continue to suffer until my living arrangements are sorted out finally. It seems I'm endlessly cleaning house as I sort through this and that trying to figure out what needs to be moved and what I can let go of. Having no storage at this place will be a problem, but hopefully something I can work around until I can get a roomier place or a storage locker.

In the mean time I will need to figure out the logistics of getting the dog and the plant to the new place, so some movers will take plants but I don't know one that will move a pet for you. I'll have to see what happens with what people have told me they will do and go from there. In the mean time I continue to pack and sort and cull and move things to the living room. I'll have to book the mover soon, yet I don't know if I can get in before the 1st. I'm hoping this will be known soon.

Keep blogging.

does that make me too normal for you

2008-01-01T01:13:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year.

17 days until my birthday, 30 days until I can officially move out of the house and into my 500+ square feet of living alone goodness. It's nice to know I won't have anyone to deal with but me and the psycho dog, however I worry that the psycho dog will not handle the change well and will bark constantly when I'm not home and get me in trouble with the land lord. It's a small concern but one I am willing to live with.

I am probably going to be throwing out the coffee table and entertainment unit that I have, because the table is broke down and the entertainment unit is too big for my wee 20 inch tv. I need something higher off the ground and, well, something I like. There is one at Canadian Tire on sale that I'm coveting, and I may buy it even if it is not still on sale when I get paid because I want something I LIKE. I'm not that hard to please, I'm just not that into the one I have is all. We'll see what happens.

I have to call and get some more information about the place. Like what is my buzzer number and post box going to be and if I can move in a day or 2 earlier to get a small (if they will give me one at all in the "off season") moving discount. I have to get on getting my mail forwarded and my services changed. I have to cancel the Rogers internet service as it's crap and too expensive. Hopefully that doesn't lead them to turning off my phone service, because even thought the line is all crackly the basic long distance is cheap. This should be an interesting start the year. Wish me well.

Keep blogging.

i doesn't matter if I cry doesn't matter if I bleed

2007-12-20T03:31:00.000-05:00

I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in over 4 years today. I recognised her even though she is a bit heavier then when I knew her before. She seems comfortable with it where as before she was a wee obsessive about being perfect and it was unbecoming. This time around her energy was so calm and I wanted to be her friend again, right then and there. She told me some interesting news. It turns out that my ex husband is dead.

Wow, I came off like a giggling crazed maniac of glee. I always knew he would die soon and I didn't kill him, honest. I just figured, considering how he lived when I knew him, there were few possibilities for him unless he changed drastically; which he swore he'd never do. So he died. I don't know how, but I know when - October 12th, 2007. She told me he was sick. She told me he had an idiot girlfriend and that people felt sorry for him and his illness. I know what kind of sickness he had, it wasn't one of those you can officially feel bad for him kinds like cancer or something - he abused drugs and alcohol until it (or possibly someone else seemed likely too), killed him.

I don't have to worry about running into him anymore. I don't have to worry about where I live or any of that. He's dead and buried, in a Christian ceremony the obit says - and I'm like a widow once removed. It made my day, which must make me the most horribly mutant person to ever walk the earth. Everyone seems to think it does. I'm glad that someone who treated me like crap isn't around anymore. I felt this way when my dad died too, like a giant weight had been lifted and I was free. It seems like an inappropriate reaction about someone I loved, doesn't it? Shouldn't I be sad and possibly do something to express condolences to his family? He's been gone 3 months. He lived 15 months past our divorce, I don't know if that's significant but I had to figure that out.

I should worry about what she will tell people. She really likes to gossip, as do we all - but I know he was telling people I left because he was sick and I couldn't deal with it. True, but not for the reasons he would have given. He wasn't going around telling people he was eating boxes of robaxacet with a mickey of vodka every night, or buying oxycodone from people and eating it like candy. He was careful to make the illness nice and mysterious and guilt worthy. I mean would people feel sorry for him if they knew how he was making himself sick? Probably not, at least not me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been excited to hear that he died. It seems in poor taste. I should have saved that for when I got home.

Keep blogging.