MercySearch

Beauty for Ashes

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 14:48:00 +0000

I was a single soon-to-be 25 year old mother when I had Bailey and very broken. My heart had been smashed time and time again, but I didn't know how I was ever going to recover from being dumped by her dad when I was 6 months pregnant. I had given up my job to move to Dallas to be with her dad, but the week before I went I found out he was married and had never gotten a divorce. He and his wife had gotten back together and he didn't want me or our baby. He said he wasn't ready to be a dad and just had moved on. I remember calling him to ask him for some money so I could get an epidural and he said, "You'll be fine, women do it without drugs all the time. You don't need it". I remember thinking how little he cared for me. He didn't care what I suffered or endured as long as he didn't have to be bothered with us anymore. My job was over, my boyfriend and future husband (we were going to get married) were gone, our future home was gone, the car we just bought together was gone and our bank account was drained. Out of nowhere I watched my whole life fall to the ground with a baby in my womb.

I didn't want to live. I had nothing. I had no where to go, no job, no money, no love, no future to offer this baby girl, no hope. I went into a horrible depression. Out of sheer mercy, my mom (who I had a really bad relationship with & hardly spoken to for about 5 years) begged me to move in with her & my step-dad for the sake of this baby. I had no other choice but to say yes. I couldn't party and couch serf like I had so many times before. I needed a stable place to stay at least to get through the rest of this pregnancy. While I was happy to have a safe place to finish my pregnancy, I was still so heartbroken. I had been abandoned before in my life by several people starting with my own father, and now my baby has been abandoned by her own father too. I could already see the cycle of brokenness being repeated and she wasn't even born yet! I've had dark seasons in my life, but this was awful. It was the summer of '98 and I cried everyday. People would try to encourage me, but I couldn't escape how I was already a failure to my daughter. I got a job back at the place I had been, but since my job was gone I had to start at the bottom all over again. I was the source of all gossip. I even had people come up to me and tell me it would be better for my daughter if I gave her up for adoption. I was so emotionally messed up that my dr. finally put me on bed rest the last month of my pregnancy because I couldn't eat or sleep I was so depressed. Going to work where everyone knew all about my sad life was horrible so at least I didn't have to go there the last month.

The day I had her was bittersweet. I was so happy I wasn't pregnant anymore because I felt so ugly and tossed to the side, but I was also aware that the picture wasn't complete because I was alone. Someone should have been there and he wasn't. My mom and step-dad were there, but it wasn't what it was supposed to be. He wasn't there to kiss my head and tell me, "You are so beautiful and I'm so proud of you". I remember clearly thinking the moment she was born should have been the best of my life, but I was flooded with pain over being alone and aware that another beautiful moment was stolen from me. It didn't matter if I ended up with 20 kids, I would never again have my first born child. This moment that was meant to be so wonderful was beyond painful because I felt alone and scared. Anohter milestone in my life stolen that I would never get back. I didn't know if I would ever have happiness again. It didn't even matter, I had a baby now and she and I were on our own.

Doing newborn duty when you are a single parent is HARD, and again, lonely. My lack of sleep wasn't helping my depression at all. I struggled with nursing and feeling like a failure in that, too. I was so stressed, tired and depressed so my body didn't produce the milk my baby needed. Nursing is supposed to be the most natural thing for a mother to do and I failed at even that! That only added insult to injury and the memories of how people told me I should have given her up for adoption ran circles in my head. I loved her, but I was struggling to figure all this out by myself. I kept thinking, "Did I do the right thing by keeping this baby? How will I ever get this right?".

When she was a week old I was holding her and the song, "Angel" came on my radio by Sarah McLachlan. I was rocking her and then God himself gave me an incredible revelation that he made her. She just didn't happen to get here either. He sent her here to be with me and he made everything inside her. A light bulb went off and I realized that if he made her and all of her, he made even her organs. Even her heart. I hardly ever remember what I pray to God, but this simple one will be with me forever. This is what I said to the Lord:

"God, I don't know you and I don't know Jesus, but I believe that you made this child and that you made all the organs inside her body. If you made her heart, you can make me a new one, too. I need a new one and you can give me one. I don't have a dad and neither does she, so will you come and be a dad to both of us? I know I have nothing to offer you, but if you will please help me and teach me how to be a momma to this baby, I promise I will make Jesus the center of our lives. If this is the only family I ever have, I will center this little family around Jesus. We need your help."

That was it and from there, little by little, God came as a father to both of us. I stayed at my mom's for awhile, but God found me an awesome job, later a brand new car, and for the first time in my life, my own place to live by myself. I wasn't going to ever have to be homeless again. It was small and not very furnished, but it was our home and God gave it to us. A year later I met Brandon out of no where and a few months after Bailey turned 2, Brandon and I were married. Not only that, but he restored the relationship with my mom & step-dad and brought all kinds of crazy healing that I am SO thankful for. I love my mom and she's the best long-distance grandma to my kids!

God, as I reflect on those horrible and dark days 13 summers ago, I weep at your faithfulness. I never thought I could get over that trauma of being abandoned at 6 months pregnant, much less be a real mom to her, have any real joy, peace, love or hope, but you did it. You healed all that pain that I was sure would kill me. YOu took me off the path of death and gave me life for the first time. You restored what was beyond healing by any human means. Now Bailey is on her first solo missions trip for you. God, thank you so much for Bailey and all the amazing things you've already done in her short life. Use this week to awaken even bigger things in her life for you. Awaken her spirit to your love and your purpose for her. Don't let my life be the only life she ever leads to Jesus.

Thank you God for sending her to me. Thank you during all those days of darkness you knew that this week was coming and that I would be overwhelmed with joy for her. Bless her, Jesus, and continue to show the rest of the world that amazing heart you've given her. Bailey has been living out Isiah 61 since she was a week old. That's who she is. I declare that over her in Jesus name!

Thanks for hearing my prayer that night and every night after. Oh and Jesus, bless Bailey in ways I can't even pray for.

Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - Joel 2:25

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26

Jesus & Popcorn

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Tue, 17 May 2011 23:56:00 +0000

Tonight at dinner, I was talking to the kids and we got to talking about God (a usual topic!). Brynn started asking me if God could read her thoughts and I said yes. I told her God created our minds and he can see not only our thoughts but also everything we feel in our hearts. I told Brynn and Reagan that we can't hide from God, because he created us and He knows everything about every one of us.

I can't remember how we ended up down this one rabbit trail, but we started talking about our imaginations and how God can sometimes speak to us by using our imaginations. They asked me how and I told them that sometimes Jesus takes me to a specific place in my mind. They asked me where, and I told them it was a secret place for only Jesus and me. I told them I thought Jesus had a secret place for them too, but they would need to ask him what and where that place was.

Both Reagan and Brynn (7 & 8) thought about this for a bit and then our conversation went like this,

Brynn: "So, God can see the movie theatre in my mind right now?"

Me: "Yep! Tell me what you are seeing. What's the movie theatre about?"

She sat there for a minuet and then told me about the big theatre and how God and Jesus were sitting there watching a movie.

Me: "What movie is it?"

Brynn: "It's the story of my life, but for them it only takes an hour to watch".

Me: "It only takes an hour for them to watch your WHOLE life?"

Brynn: "Yes, but to to God an hour isn't like it is for us."

Me: "That's cool. Can you see Jesus, too? What's he doing?"

Brynn: "Eating popcorn"

Reagan: "Is Jesus drinking SODA, too?!" (my kids hate soda)

Brynn: "No, he's drinking milk and every time he runs out, the glass just fills up again"

I love that my kids are using their imaginations to think outside the box. I so love their open hearts and curious questions. I want my kids to keep seeking to know God more. To dream and imagine Jesus watching their lives and eating popcorn. Keep speaking to them, Lord.

We love you~

Blessed Be Your Name

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 20:15:00 +0000

So today is April 1st and that means it's time for me to look back and reflect on God's goodness. It was 6 years ago this very day that my little 2 year old son, Reagan, was diagnosed with Type 1 Insulin Dependant Diabetes. I will never forget that day. I thought the doctor was joking with us when she said it. I thought, "That only happens to old people, not 2 year olds!". But I remember the sad heartbreaking look in her eyes as she told us we had to scoop up our baby and rush him to ER because he could slip into a coma any second.

I once hated this day. Not too many years ago I would spend April 1st in bed crying or on my knees begging God to heal my son. This year was different. I woke up and thought about today and I offered it to God like any other day.

I prayed for my son and asked God to bless him in whatever way that brings Jesus the most glory. I couldn't have prayed that in years past, but I've seen God sustain my son in ways no one can deny. When Reagan was in the hospital the doctors said that most kids get sick once a year and end up back in the hospital. Reagan has never been back to the hospital once since he was 2. That's not because his numbers are easy and perfect - it's actually the opposite. He's a very hard diabetic to manage, but God continues to show us that it's not the insulin that keeps him alive, it's God himself.

As all my children grow, I can see how God continues to use Diabetes to humble me and keep my hands open to the Lord with them. As Bailey enters into this season of mission work, I have to wonder if God hasn't been using these last 6 years to teach me how to let go of them and really learn how to let God hold them and lead them. What if God leads Bailey to some other country where I might not ever get to see her again for the sake of the gospel. How far am I willing to hand them over and trust them with the Lord? What if it's just a hard day and I can't figure out where to turn - will I surrender then? What about school or friends - will I surrender then? Having to let go of complete control is a process. I'm not saying I quit being a parent, but I've had to learn how to radically hand over my kids time and time again to God, mostly through Reagan's disease. I've had to let go of my fears that he was going to die at a young age. Reagan could live to be 80, or God could call him home at 21. I don't know, but I don't live in fear about it anymore. I have no doubt that this lesson will help me as all my children grow into their own lives and faith. I've seen God use Diabetes to open my hands again and again, sometimes one finger at a time!

That's not a simple or easy lesson, but today I can say,"God I DO trust you with all of them. I surrender them to you completely for the sake of your holy name." There is a richness and a blessing that comes when we can get to this level of surrender with anything that is really close to our hearts. The more I surrender them, the closer he comes to my heart. He doesn't ask you to surrender just to be mean, he wants to come and fill that space and bring more of himself to our hearts. He wants to be trusted. He wants to teach us that he is for us and that he will do what his Word says. If we can learn how to surrender with the biggest parts of our lives, we will gain so much more in return. We gain him. We can see what it means to count it all as loss so that we might gain Christ (Philippians 3:8).

These last 6 years have felt more like 60. It's taken me a long time to get here, but today I say I AM thankful for this broken road that has lead me to the front door of his heart. I can sing "Blessed be your name" and mean it.

Workin' On It

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 18:20:00 +0000

God has been really working on my heart these last couple of months. See, my biggest issue (right now) is that I can't ask for what I want or need from others. I could be on fire and I'm not sure I'd be able to ask for even a drink of water. Here are a few reasons why I have this problem;

#1. I don't want to be a burden to others. Now I know that Jesus tells us to carry each other's burdens and to love one another in brotherly love, but I look around me and all I can see is how busy everyone is. No one has time (or so it seems). I don't feel like I really have people in my life who have this to give to me or my family, so I don't ask. I know this isn't fair or right because it just isolates me from people and makes me feel like no one really loves us. Like people don't care about my family. It's a lie, but my fear of asking keeps me bound in this lie.

#2. It's just a foreign concept to me. I didn't grow up really getting help when I needed/wanted it and since I've been married I haven't had Brandon's family here to help us either. Having people step in and help wasn't modeled for me. I did everything on my own. I never asked for help and I didn't depend on others to help me when I needed it. When I was living on my own and in high school, I had to figure out myself how to survive. I think I still live in this mindset and it's hard.

Brandon and I haven't been out on a date in about 18-24 months and we haven't had an overnight date (WITHOUT KIDS) in 6 YEARS! We are at a point where we really need to adress this for the health of our realtionship. I need to find someone who can watch our kids so we can just be a couple, but it's been really hard for me to even consider that. To think about asking someone to step in and help us. To me, my family can sometimes feel very stressful and hard. The thought of asking someone to step into that with us makes me feel guilty and fearful.

I know some of you won't believe it because it seems like I have a bazillion friends at church, but there is a difference between having friends and having those that will stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). I really don't like this about myself and I've been asking God to help me in this area. I truly want freedom in this area of my life and for God to show me how wonderful and authentic community was meant to be. My community life has never been what I read about in the Scriptures - and I know it's because of me. I want the real deal, but God needs to help me with that.

I'm open God - help me get there.

Solid Ground

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 16:13:00 +0000

Where are you? I am like a ship lost at sea. I am so familiar with these icy waters. With the darkness of the sky. There are no stars that shine. Why must I always come back here?

Won't you save me from this place?

I can't even open my mouth to cry out.

There is no one here to rescue me.

I cannot hear your voice.

I cannot see your face.

Where is your mercy? Where is your grace?

No one can see me. No one can hear me.

I have no solid ground.

I am a ship lost at sea.

To power to bless and be blessed

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 21:20:00 +0000

I went on a mission trip to Acuna, Mexico this past weekend. It was a wonderful and packed weekend. I took my oldest daughter, Bailey, with me. It was her 1st time to go on a mission trip and she loved it. It was a sweet experience to be able to serve along side her in Mexico. The rest of team really took Bailey under their wing, too. They poured into her and I ever heard her asking other team members about their own walk with Jesus. That was priceless to me!

We were there for a short time, but God seemed to pack the weekend with as much as he could. We went to paint a church, but since there were 20 of us it only took like 2 hours. After we finished, we asked what we could do and someone told us that one of the pastors was sick, so we went to her house and a small group of us prayed over her. Then Glenn Gibson went and bought her some food and antibiotics. After that, we went to some of the other houses that Gateway has built in years past and visited with the families. We did some repairs, shared stories of Jesus, prayed for each other, offered encouragement, and experienced a little more of the book of Acts really lived out! I loved every single second of it.

We all quickly bonded and I loved how easily we connected with the power of God's great love. We just went from house to house and had the best time. They all opened their homes to us. It's so not like that here. We have to schedule even a cup of coffee with our closest friends. Not them, they are always ready with open arms for you to come in and enjoy whatever God has in store. That was faith lived out in ways I just don't see or feel much here in America. They were so open and I felt the Holy Spirit of God leading us all to bless them and for them to bless us! I could have stayed there for weeks!

Not long after we crossed beck over the border into the US, I felt the American walls go up within my own heart. You can feel the invisible box that we all seem to surround ourselves with. I want more freedom here for us, brothers and sisters. I know it's not our culture, but there is so much to be learned from the rest of the world.

My Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 20:39:00 +0000

I hate resolutions. They always seem so stupid.

I think I feel this way because I am convinced that people cannot change on their own. It's kinda mean if you ask me to sell an entire day on the hope that NOW you can fix ______ in your life. Why, just because it's a new year? How do we have anymore patience, wisdom, etc. just because one year ended and another one started? I think this just sets us up for more of whatever it was that we wanted to change.

So how did I end up with one this year?

I've been reading this new Francis Chan book called, "Forgotten God" and it's really powerful. I'm just about done with it. There are a ton of great things to meditate and pray about, but I read this one part that stopped me in my tracks. It said;

"I don't want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn't be doing this by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for him to come through. That if he doesn't come through, I am screwed".

That really resonated with me. When I first read it I shouted in my own spirit, YES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT, TOO! I kept reading and then the next day, in my quiet time, the Lord brought that part up to me again and again my spirit jumped with excitement. Then I felt a real heaviness within my heart about what that means exactly. It sounds really awesome on the outside, but feeling the heaviness around it kinda started to freak me out. Then I felt fear.

I asked God to show me what that would even look like and he gave me two awesome examples. The first one is my friend, Barclay. His wife left him for someone else and eventually divorced him at the end of 2010. They have twin boys who are 4. He's been in incredible pain this last year to the point of ulcers and did I mention he also lost his job?! My dear brother had a really hard 2010, but he kept going. He kept seeking Christ. On the outside it looked like he was getting by, but I know how painful this year has been to him. God keeps me praying for him and for his family. I keep praying that he and his wife will get back together. That is not "normal". She's moved on. He's trying to move on, but God still asks that I pray for them to get back together. I've been able to witness God's strength and mercy in my brother. It's the only thing that has kept him going. It's the biggest thing that brings him peace and comfort. I'm not saying it's been an easy rode for him or that he's been perfect, but I've seen God carry him. I've seen him moving forward even when we can't even see it. He has a life that can't be explained outside the Holy Spirit.

My other friend if Brandy. Her husband died almost 1 year ago while she was pregnant with their 4th baby! I will never forget seeing her at the funeral of her sweet husband, looking stronger than what should have been normal. She is a stay-at-home mom and homeschools her children. I've never seen her lose her faith or love for Jesus. I've even asked her, "How are you so strong, Brandy?" and she tells me, "Because I know my blessing is coming. Jesus is going to help me raise these children. He is with me and my children". That's not normal. She is living my worst fear with more grace and faith than anyone should have. She has a very unexplained life to me. The Holy Spirit can only be the reason. Even as I sit here, it blows my mind. I know it's hard on her, but God is with her. He provides for her again and again. It's amazing to be a witness to.

I want that for my life, but like I said, it scares me. I told this to God and again felt the heaviness of the statement. I told God, "I want to be able to confidently say, 'I don't want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit'. Then I was reminded of 2005.

For those of you who don't know me, 2005 was my hardest year. April 1st, 2005 Reagan almost died and spent a week in the hospital after he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Then 3 months later, Brynn my then 1 year old, was diagnosed with Autism. Then 4 months after that, my 5 year old, Bailey, was diagnosed with severe dyslexia and slow processing. That means she has a lot of trouble learning. So in one year, I was hit with three different disabilities. For about a year I was running all over to endocrinologists, occupational therapy, speech therapy, dyslexic specialists, etc. etc. I had appointments all over town for three different disabilities. We had no community and no family support. I was drained; emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I felt totally abandoned by God and mourned our old family deeply.

The Lord took me back to that season and I was reminded how I would go to bed literally in tears and while crying on my pillow I would ask God to send Jesus to help me the next day. I would say, "If Jesus doesn't show up, I won't get out of bed. I CAN'T get out of bed without him showing up. I need him, God. Please send him to me tomorrow". Tomorrow would could and I would do what I had to do for my kids and then I would cry out that very same way the next night. I don't know how many months I did this, but I do remember the sheer desperation I felt. I remember just being at the end of myself every day and needing him to make it though one more day. I didn't feel him or hear him at all, but looking back, there is no other way I could have survived without the Holy Spirit.

I started crying because I remember what being in that place was like. It was hard. It was very hard to be in a place where you can't move without God's Spirit helping you. I think I'm really comfortable right now. I don't go to bed desperate for God's Spirit to show up and help me the next day. I cried because while I remembered how hard it was, I also remembered he was faithful and he got us through the hardest season I'd ever walked through (and that says A LOT!).

I felt in my heart like I was supposed to ask him again. I was supposed to pray this over myself everyday. Pray that I would gain a life that isn't explainable without the Holy Spirit. He said, "I know it scares you, but pray it anyway and bring your fears with you. And why does having a life that is unexplainable translate to only a path of pain and suffering?". I thought, "Hummm, that's a good point, Lord".

With that comes a lot of excitement and expectation over my life this next year mixed in with some healthy and honest fear. My resolution isn't to make my life "better" or to reach a certain goal even. My resolution is to pray for myself. To ask God to give me great courage to move where he might want to take me. To create in me a huge life that cannot be explained without the Holy Spirit.

Yes, Abba, I am willing to ask. I am willing to bring my very explained life with all the gifts and abilities you've given me, and ask that you make it unexplainable.

Healing -- what's the point?

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:33:00 +0000

So after I brought all my crap out to the light last night, I felt better. I've been sitting with the Lord today and here is where it has brought me;

I'm just sitting in the place of being ok with my current journey. I don't have all the answers, and I don't even know all the parts of myself that still need my God's loving hand to heal. But what I DO know more than anything else in this world is that I love him as deeply, honestly, and powerfully as I am able to in this little spirit of mine. It's the most honest thing about me. I trust him with my life, heart, & spirit. I really believe that he is good all the time. That he is kind, gentle, merciful, funny, and loving. I believe that I have his favor. I believe that he has set me apart. He will not hurt me. He loves me and loves that I love him as much as I am able to here on earth.

And how kind is he that he overlooks my junk and straight into my heart for him. I am confident that when God looks at me, he doesn't see all my shortcomings. He doesn't see what I see. He doesn't even see my failures. He knew they were going to be there before be picked me to be adopted, but he still chose me. He picked ME to love and to never leave.

And what's even kinder of him is when he says, "Let's move some of this junk out of the way so I can see even more of that heart you try so hard to cover up". He wants to see all of me from the inside out. Not because I suck or can't get something right, but because he wants ALL of me just like I want ALL of him. The desire for more of him is directly related and mirrored from his own desire for more of me! He's not dealing with my sin, he's dealing with our love. He knows there is more for us to experience and he knows that is the greatest desire of my heart. My sin has been dealt with, but our love is an ongoing, ever-growing song.

Healing is about his love for me and not about being a better me. Who cares if I'm better if I don't get more of him. There is no one like our God.

Thank you all for your prayers and love. I receive them. That's my new phrase -- I receive! I received it, Lord. Did you hear me? Aren't you proud of me? It's all for you, Abba!

I love you, Father!

Oh, PS. The Lord reminded me when I was in prayer earlier that today is my daughter's birthday. It was 12 years ago (+ a few days!) that I "received" Him into my heart. I wasn't even thinking about that until he reminded me of it.

Hello, is this thing on?

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:03:00 +0000

So today doesn't feel like such a great day. Maybe great isn't the right word. Maybe stupid and emotional is a better fit. I feel off. I feel sad. I feel forgotten in a lot of ways.

I've made some radical changes in my life. Two weeks ago I quit serving in a place I've been serving for 9 months straight. Every Sunday, every service. And I loved it. Every weekend, I loved it. Two days ago, I totally changed my food and my ideas around food. I really struggle to live a balanced life. A truly balanced life where I'm not out serving myself to death, and feeling burned out when I get home to my family. Or balanced about what I'm feeling inside and not push it down with junk food.

What does that look like for me? It means taking a break from serving like a mad dog and stop eating junk that makes me sick. Trust me when I tell you, these two things are hard for me to give up. Here's what I'm learning;

I love to serve because it allows me to use my gifts. I love it because it's the closest thing to feeling/seeing/touching Jesus this side of heaven that I've been able to find. It also makes me feel good. It makes me feel good to make other people feel good. It makes me feel like my life is valuable and that I am bringing something to the table when I serve. I don't always feel that way here at my house. If I'm being totally honest, being a wife and mom isn't near as life giving as serving is. I serve and no one is mad at me, or disappointed in me. There isn't any pressure about outside my house on how "John" or "Jane" will turn out. I don't feel like it's my job to help them succeed. It's my job to love and support them. When I feel like I'm not getting it right with my kids, I feel like that's a reflection on ME. Sounds pretty selfish, I know, but I'm just being honest.

I also don't know how to allow people to pour into my life. The was very clear to me when a good friend of mine tried to give me something he made for me as a thank you. I was so uncomfortable when he gave it to me. I noticed these feelings and I quickly wanted to eat these feelings away. The Lord had me push pause on this moment and showed me that I need to stop letting food into the places that I won't allow people. I can love people deeply, but I can't seem to open my heart to others the same way. I'm a great friend to others, and I value vulnerability in my friendships, but I don't know how to truly receive love from others. When I stop and think about who my closest friends are, they aren't the kinds of people who openly pour out love into my life. It's not a spoken and acknowledged thing. I know they love me. They know I love them. But to physically see and feel their love, it doesn't happen. That's probably why they are my close friends -- they are safe. I don't want to burden others. I don't want to let others see the holes I still carry in my heart, or the places I'm still needing God's grace and love to shine on.

Anyway, I went to a party today where A. food was everywhere and B. it was my old serving team. Double whammy. I felt sad. I felt alone. I was hit was a big wave of, "God, I really really miss these people!". While I believe I am walking the path God has set before me, it felt very lonely. I feel like the whole world is just passing me by and I'm sitting quietly in the corner.

For some reason, I'm also struggling with feelings of being "all alone". Now that I've stepped out of serving and not dealing with my feelings with food, I'm lost. Like I could just disappear and no one would even notice. I've heard that when you cut out certain foods in your diet, you can have physical/emotional reactions. It can be like detox if you will. Maybe that's what all this is about and maybe it's not, but it's where I find myself.

It's not easy, but I am committed to growing. I am committed to being completely healed. I am committed to being all the God wants me to be. I want to receive love from other people besides Jesus in my prayer closet. I want to be open fully to the love God wants me to have. God, I deeply and truly want everything you have in store for me. Please don't let me miss a thing. If I want transformation and healing, give me strength to endure it.

This is my journey today.

Burning Man 2010

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:26:00 +0000

I know a guy that goes to Burning Man every year just to love on those who don't know Jesus. He doesn't go there with his Bible under his arm and judgement in his eyes. He actually takes bottled water there and offers free encouraging words. He doesn't even mention Jesus, but he reports person and after person having divine encounters with Jesus right there in the middle of the desert!

If you don't know what Burning Man is, here is a brief description from Wikipedia;

Burning Man is an annual event held in the Black Rock Desert in northern Nevada, in the United States. The event starts on the Sunday before and ends on the day of the American Labor Day holiday. It takes its name from the ritual burning of a large wooden effigy on Saturday evening. The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance.

Burning Man is organized by Black Rock City, LLC. In 2008, 49,599 people participated in Burning Man. You can find a lot more on Google.

My friend has said this week long event is truly like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. Everything is a accepted and there don't seem to be any limits to what is available to those seeking "radical self expression". There are camps there that have different themes and some of them are down right scary. People go there to have encounters and experiences. They also go to connect to a larger community of like minded people.

I love what my friend is doing there. It sounds totally crazy (& I bet scary), but he has such a heart for the lost. He weeps over those people and just wants to love them. If God creates an opportunity for him reveal Jesus, then he takes it. Otherwise, he keeps his mouth shut. From the stories I've heard him tell, some pretty awesome and supernatural stuff goes on in the middle of this dry desert. Lots of people have encounters with Jesus because most everyone there is open to having some kind of an encounter. He says, "Their hearts are searching and open for an experience so why not go and offer then the REAL experience of this life - Jesus?" I love that thinking. They are open and looking for something "awesome" to happen to them. Their defenses are down and he invites the Holy Spirit to show up and pour out God's love into their open spirits. POWERFUL STUFF!

I actually watched a documentary on Burning Man last night and while it looked like a crazy circus, I was moved by the openness and oneness that they shared. If you can get past your "What they are doing is wrong!" thought and just look at how they act as a community of people, it's no wonder that almost 50,000 flock there year after year. They seem to just accept and love each other without strings attached. Granted, sometimes we NEED boundaries, but again if you just look past their actions and think about their community mentality, you can kinda see why they would enjoy it.

I don't know if we are as good about opening our church doors to others like they do in the desert. Do we give off the same, "just come join us" attitude or do we harbor judgement and condemnation in our own eyes? People can smell that from a mile away. They know that's what we are thinking even when we don't. You can't fool people and I can promise you, you wouldn't be able to fool the people of Burning Man.

Listed as their #1 top principal is Radical inclusion - Anyone who can afford a ticket is gladly welcomed and there are no prerequisites to be part of Burning Man.

While I can't agree with Burning Man, I do see the beauty in what they are seeking (which I think is God's love and acceptance even if they don't know if!). Maybe we need to speak less about the dust on our Bibles and more about the radical inclusion of Jesus Christ. Just sayin'. We can do better, Church! Whens the last time you heard about 50,000 going to your church?

Aug. 30th - Sept. 6th are the dates for Burning Man. I'd love it if you'd be willing to pray with me for not only the believers who will be serving Christ at Burning Man, but also for those who don't know God's love yet. Pray that God's radical love will come to each them.

My Shadow

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:37:00 +0000

I've been flying high for days now just marveling at His goodness and love. I've been rejoicing over my new sisters and our time together in Hunt, Texas. I've felt strong and confident and really living from a different place. So what happened today? Over the last half hour, I've felt my shadows creep back into my spirit.

"You still have no idea what you are going to do for a job, do you? Doesn't that feel scary? Look at everyone else living out of their gifts and passions. What if He doesn't tell you? Just hearing Him say He loves you isn't going to pay your bills. It isn't going to get you out on the streets like you think. You are going to sit here in this house stuck for a long time, AND you have to just accept it. You were made to be a wife and mother, that's it. That's all you can do with your life. That's the choice you made. You have no education or skill to do anything else. Can you feel the air tightening up in your lungs? You don't get to live out of your passion and dreams like everyone else does. Not you."

I can feel my heart jump when it beats in response to the tenderness of these words.
Maybe everything you are saying it true and maybe it's not. What I do know is that I can see you. I can hear your voice now. I can feel when you come to me and I couldn't feel that before. I can ask someone bigger than me to hold my hand and just sit with me. To meet me in all the places that your words touch my heart and make me want to retreat and shut down. I can ask him to remove these fears of not knowing now that I see how you move and operate. I can ask him to shine his love and grace on my spirit and pull me out of the darkness.

Mostly, I am asking him to give me peace with the not knowing where I am headed....not because I don't believe I'm powerful like he says, but because she told me to "be strong". She knew all about you. She knew every word and every reaction I would have when face to face with you. I'm standing on her advice today. I don't know where I am going and it IS scary, but I trust Him. I trust her. I trust what He told her to tell me. I'm making a choice to trust even while it feels like I walking on a wire without a net. There is the power He wanted me to reach for and step into. Oh Beautiful One, give me the strength to hold onto it.

Today I feel like I am at a 1, but I'm pressing into the Light and not the Shadow.

You Never Let Go

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 14:37:00 +0000

Ok, so probably isn't going to sound as wonderful and awesome to you because it wasn't anything big on the outside, but inside it was HUGE! I woke up yesterday just heavy burdened and heart broken over Brandon's parents & sister (& her big 'ol family!) who live in Cedar Park, but because of messy junk have chosen to not be apart of our lives 4 years ago. We tried to reach out to them 3 months ago and Brandon's brother-in-law sent an email back that literally said, "FU" but not as nice as I just put it. Brandon's parents see us once a year, which my kids don't get but have stopped asking us why. Brynn's bday is in 2 weeks and I just felt sad that they don't want to know these children. Brandon's sister is a pedi dentists in Cedar Park and has 6 kids who are all my kids ages. She's seen Brynn like 5 times in 7 years! My mother-in-law hardly knows her. Anyway, I just woke up broken and sick over it again. Just praying God would heal this family! Missing and wanting more from community and wanting God to give us REAL family who will walk with us. I just felt this huge longing in my heart for more family, but REAL family.

I felt that way most of the day and then my heartbreak switched over from my in-laws to my son. I don't have these "episodes" over Reagan's diabetes like I used to, but about once a year I will grow tired of dealing with it every single day and all the side effects that come with caring daily for a child that has a disease and no cure. His attitude sucks a lot because he feels like crap a lot and that's very hard on me. He isn't the same child he was before he was diagnosed and sometimes I feel like this disease has not only stolen a part of his body, but that it has changed him emotionally. Like I have lost my child and all I'm left with is an angry and bitter boy who feels bad almost everyday. After years of wondering IF God still performed miracles and still healed people from physical diseases and such, I now am confident that the answer to that is a very loud YES. After years of wrestling over the "why then don't you do it" question, I have peace about it. This has been a 5 year spiritual path of wrestling and growth for me. The first year Reagan was diagnosed, I went into a deep depression and didn't talk to the Lord for a year -- until 2006 when I went to Reynosa, Mexico and had my own radical Jesus Culture moment with the Holy Spirit. Anyway, we've come a loooooong way together over this issue of Reagan's diabetes.

So I am driving over to Brandy's house and the tears just won't quit. I am so upset over Reagan, not even thinking anymore about my in-laws. I literally just cry to God and ask him, "What prayer haven't I prayed to you, Lord? What tears haven't I cried for him? What song haven't I sung to you? Tell me and I will do it. I know your power and I know you can heal him." The pain in my chest was so heavy. Then our Father said to me, "Just say His name" and I knew who he meant so I just started saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" over and over again. After I did that for awhile our Father said, "Now, ask me to bless you", so I started saying, "Bless me, bless me, bless me" over and over.

I soon after that get to Brandy's. I'm still messed up and so she takes me into her closet and prays over me. That seems to help stop the strong emotion and I'm able to get it together. Have great great conversations and I'm feeling better and better. Then after dinner I start talking to Kenny Pine and he shares with me about his struggles with pain and his wife passing away 3 years ago. Which leads me to talking about pain and how I was really struggling earlier over Reagan. We just talk and talk and then Brandy comes over and hears what we are talking about then says, "OH! I have someone I want you to meet, Karin" and goes off and brings back this girl. Brandy tells me she has Type 1 Diabetes and that she too was diagnosed when she was 2. So the girl, Jennifer, sits down and looks at me and says, "I understand. I know how hard it is every single day" and I lost it. Just hearing her say that meant so much to me. She spoke the same language I did, she understood the every day struggles, the fears, the constant work, etc. She got it. Then, I just started telling her about this 5 year journey I've been on with this disease and she started telling me how God has used this nasty disease to draw her close and teach her more about the walk we are supposed to live in with Christ. She describes all these parallels between living as a diabetic and living as a Christian. Then she tells me how much it has blessed her and how it keeps her needing Him in a way she's to thankful for. How all my tears and prayers for my son are already working and building into the man of God he will become. She tells me how nasty she too was growing up and that once the Holy Spirit got a hold of her, she let go of being angry and bitter about having this disease. Then she said something (I wish I could remember it) and I literally felt like Jesus was speaking right to me. I don't remember, but once I heard it, my spirit just felt overwhelmed. I knew it wasn't her speaking to me in that moment. It was Jesus and he was telling me that it was going to be ok. That Reagan would one day speak the very words she was speaking. I was so overwhelmed with love. We prayed and I just wept over God's faithfulness. She said she almost didn't come and I told her that God brought her to me so he could encourage me while in the middle of still living with this disease. To keep praying for Reagan. To keep crying over Reagan. To keep saying Jesus' name when it gets too hard and I need rest for my soul. When I needed Jesus to step in and help me carry this disease, he showed up. I felt like the whole conversation was between me and Jesus. He (she) was so tender and loving and knew everything that my heart felt. I cried out to God hours before for help and then there I was tears running down my face as Jesus sat there ministering to my soul. It was so powerful.

Then I get in the car to leave a little later and "You Never Let Go" by dc*b was on and it was like God was just reminding me that he doesn't let go. Then "Blessed Be Your Name" came on (one a go to when I'm feeling like this in years past). He was right there speaking right to my spirit. His faithfulness and love to me just melted all my pain away. It gave me the strength to keep running this race that God has set before me. When we face trials and hardships, especially when they are ongoing and long suffering, it can wear us down. But when we remain faithful to him, he comes. I feel like he broke me down so that he could build me up. So that he could lavish me with his love. I usually get surprised by the unexpected power of His love. It usually happens to me in worship, but he chose to do it a different way yesterday. He used an old pathway called pain to bring me his outpouring of love. Next to God's love, pain just faded away. And because I chose to call out to Jesus in the midst of my heartbreak and acute pain, God is going to bless me even more than he did last night.

He came so quickly to me. My soul cried out to him and he heard me. He came running to me. He didn't let me suffer for long. He is so good to me. My God's love for me is beyond what I can understand. He broke me down and then filled me up. He came running to me.

Who I Am

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 21:36:00 +0000

I have spent years struggling to love myself. To see myself in ways that go beyond what the world wants to scream at me. If I'm honest, I'm still working on it to this very day.

I keep pushing forward and keep asking the Lord to show me more of who I REALLY am and not what the world, or the enemy, or even myself has to say about it. That's not always easy when you feel tormented by your own thoughts and ideas, much less the what the world screams out at you. You need to lose weight (a lot of it!), you need to do this, you need to so that, you need to...you need to...you need to. It's always something!

How are we ever to hear the truth? How do we stop the tapes? How do we see with his eyes? I think it's a combination of supernatural revelation and the power of God's holy Word. His Word speaks truth into the lies of our own mind. His love wakes us up from the slumber of our hidden reality.

While I still need to lose weight, work on this or that, etc., I am confident in who I am in Christ. I am still reaching for glory. I am being healed every single day that I press forward. I refuse to be the victim here. I refuse to let the world, the evil one, or even my own mind tell me who I am. Only God's Holy Spirit can bring that kind of truth into the human heart.

So who am I?

I am accepted, admired, alert, allowed, amused, appreciated, approved, arriving, attractive, alright, alive, aware.

I am believing, burning, blossoming, benefited, building, bubbling, bursting, breathing, beckoning, brave, bound, blessed, bride, beloved.

I am clean, carefree, changed, contributing, converted, called, cared for, carried, caught, charged, chased, cheered, chosen, cleared, close to, coming, cool, citizen, courted, confident.

I am delightful, dancing, developing, dough, different, dreaming, drilling down, drinking in, dwelling, drumming, dying.

I am energetic, embarking, entering in, ending up, empowered, engaged, encouraged, excited, exactly who & where, embraced, embodied, executed, everybody.

I am feisty, flavor, favored, funny, fortunate, fed, feeling, fighting for, figuring out, filled up, found, fired up, fishing, fixed, a flame, flying, focused on, following after, flowing to, forging ahead, fruit bearer, free, friend.

I am going, gearing up, getting in, goofy, growing.

I am hopeful, happy, hammering it out, hanging with, harping about, headed to, holding onto, holding out for, hidden in, hungry, home, his.

I am inside.

I am joined, jazzed, jumping for.

I am kept, kneeling, kickin', kissed, knocking.

I am latched, lovely, loved, led, leaning into, lifted, listened to, linked, lit up, living, looking, listening.

I am marked, met with, messy, milling around, mixing it up, moved, meditating, mobilized, mountain mover, motivating, masterpiece, messenger, member, mentor.

I am nurturer, now, near, named, noted.

I am observed, open, overseen, owned, obtaining.

I am participating, practicing, piloted, powered, provided for, purchased, progressing, pressing on, playing, pleading for, plowing through, popping out, putting forth, psyched, passionate.

I am quited, qualified.

I am raised, recalled, reconciled, reaching towards, rooted in, running, reason enough, recommended, recruited, rehabilitated, related, renewed, recognized, replaced by, repaired, represented, resolved, responding, restored, retrieve, revealed, revised, routed.

I am salt, saved, seeing, sent, sitting in, soldiering on, sparkplug, singing, shouting, spinning, spurred on, standing up for, stepping into, selected, served, supported, safe, secure.

I am taught, traded for, transformed, taken, touched, tucked in, turned.

I am uncovered, unified, updated, upgraded, upheld, utilized, unique.

I am validated, valued, verified, visited.

I am winning, walking, waiting, watching, washed, wanting, weeping, working, writing.

I am x-rayed through.

I am yielded to.

I am zoned for, zooming in, zelous.

I am yours and you are mine forever and ever. Show us who we are reflected in your eyes. Nothing else matters.

All my love and devotion to you~
kw

Finger of God

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 18:42:00 +0000

I recently saw a movie called Finger of God and WOW did it ever get my attention.

What grabbed me most was the part about China. We hear stories of what's going on in China, but when I saw this footage, I was blown away myself. Can you see their passion and hunger for Jesus? The lengths they go to just to worship him!?

I hear and see stories like this and my spirit comes alive! How glorious is their passion and their desire for more of God! They are so hungry. It makes me hungry. It makes me want more. It makes me want to pray and worship God for hours.

It also makes me want more of this for our own country. We are so blessed to live in America and have so many freedoms. I love being an American so much, but I sometimes wonder if the Western blessings haven't put some distance between us and the Lord. How can we get more of this same longing and passion that the people of China have?

My prayer is that He would fill us with this. That we would be filled with so much joy from just being able to praise and worship him. Not feeling satisfied with anything other than just pouring out our hearts before him. Not having an agenda with God. Not having an agenda with OTHERS! Not looking at what everyone else is doing. Not making anyone feel like they are doing it right or wrong. Just being with him and my brothers and sisters in Christ. This is my prayer! I want more of this for my own brothers and sisters her in America.

Sounds radical, huh?

Bring it on, Holy Spirit.

Our mind blowing God

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 20:02:00 +0000

I have a wonderful story to share with you all of God's mercy and love.

Three years ago, I found out that someone I kinda sorta knew from church lost his dad. I was hit hard by this for some reason. I cried and cried for this person and I hurt so badly you would have thought it was MY dad who died, or like this guy was one of my best friends. I hardly knew him.

Here's the deal, looking back I see the Lord wanted to me to travail and be on my face for this person and so I willingly accepted and allowed the Holy Spirit to pour out HIS own heartbreak onto me. My tears were the tears of God and I was just the vessel for which it was expressed out into the world. You have to be willing to go into all these deep and dark places for people (sometimes ones you don't even know). It hurts to allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with this pain, but I have found there really is no great love then to serve like this. I have felt His joy and this was one time when I felt His pain.

I wrote this person and told him how heartbroken I was for him, but I don't think he even saw how devastated I was about his loss.

That was the summer of 2007. Then in Sept. of that same year, he lost his mother. I remember hearing the news from a friend and I was just beyond shocked and broken for him. All I could do was weep for him and his heartbreak.

I still remember the passage that the Lord gave me to share with him to this very day. It was Isaiah 30:21 which says,

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Looking back I think it's so sweet that in his moment of losing his parents, the Lord was basically telling him, "I'm still here. You still have a parent in me. I won't abandon you no matter what or where you go." I saw God's faithfulness in this situation. It spoke so powerfully to my own heart.

I just prayed that over and over for him because I had nothing else to pray. I was so heartbroken for him and his loss. I couldn't imagine his grief. It was so traumatic to watch and I felt like somewhere I was walking beside him in it even if only in the supernatural world. I remember just yelling at God to give him mercy. Asking how much was he supposed to take? It was gut wrenching and I cried and cried for him. Even though his parents didn't choose to leave him, I could feel the little boy crying out for his parents, and his broken heart of not having parents anymore. But God was and is His Father. I just pressed into that for him.

Fast forward to yesterday. God put him on my heart in a major way. I don't understand a lot of things about prayer, but what I can tell you is that when God brings you into such a season of painful prayer for someone else, it's bonds you to them in a way that we can't see here on earth. You carry a part of them inside your spirit even if they never know it. Even if you never meet them. It's a strange, but beautiful thing that happens.

Anyway, he was really on my heart yesterday. I haven't done this before with this person, but I sent him an email and told him I was thinking of him and his dad. That I was praying for him. That was all I said. Then I got an email today that said yesterday was the exact day three years ago that his father died. I just started crying. Did you read that right; ON THE EXACT DAY of the anniversary of his father's passing. Who but God could have planned that?!

Then the Lord showed me a vision he gave me yesterday. I saw a mom in a doctor's office and her baby getting shots. The baby starts screaming at the pain of the needles and the moms clutches her chest at hearing the screams of her child. Then you see the baby years later. That baby doesn't even remember the pain, but the mom does. She'll never forget the sounds of her screaming child. I then thought about this friend and how even 3 years later (TO THE DAY), God hasn't forgotten his pain. He still hears his cry. He still sees the pain it caused and it still matters to God. I felt like God was telling me (and him too, I guess) that even after he carries us thought the painful events of life, he still cares for the things that have broken our hearts. He doesn't just say, "Haven't I healed you from that? Isn't that in the past? Let's move on."

While it was three years ago and, I have no idea how he's doing with this, there was something so sweet and beautiful in the fact that God reached out to him on a day that cut him to the bone. Even if it's just to say, "I haven't forgotten what you've lost, my son. I'm thinking of you today and I love you."

God cares about our pain. It would be so easy to think that he doesn't, but that's not true. Not only that, I believe it not only hurts him deeply, he carries it inside his heart a lot longer than we do most times. One day this friend will go to heaven and be with his parents again, and there we will have no tears or sorrow. God will always have the memory of that horrific season to carry inside his heart. It makes me look at pain and suffering in a whole new light. He doesn't see time the way we do. He doesn't forget the way that baby does at the doctor. He clutches his chest and he weeps -- even three years later! But he sees time so differently than we do. He can move past seeing the pain and hurt of this children because he sees eternity. He sees how the story ends in every one of us. He knows there may be pain in the night, but joy really does come in the morning.

That is the sound of God invading the earth!

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:13-14

all my love to you, Father~
kw

My bucket (prayer) list

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 17:12:00 +0000

I've decided to write out my 'bucket list' of all my desires and longings while here on earth and offer them up to the Lord. Since he so faithfully answers my prayers, I decided why not. Some of these might sound totally out there, but they are still things that I'm writing down so here goes:

1. I want to see Jesus heal Reagan of diabetes this side of heaven.
2. To see the fulfillment of the calling God has for all my children.
3. To see the face of Jesus (which really scares me, but I'm writing it down!.
4. To write a book (or books!).
5. To take in orphans (specifically pregnant teens and their babies for a season).
6. To go on mission trips with my whole family.
7. To see Brandon and Brynn get baptized.
8. To run a 1/2 or full marathon (or at this point even another 5K!).
9. To stand at Renee's wedding (and for that matter, Michelle's and Cody's too!).
10. A job in ministry where I can use my gifts and passion for Jesus.
11. To see someone raised from the dead (I know it sounds crazy, but how COOL would it be?).
12. To see Christ use my children in their schools & friends.
13. To meet my grandbabies.
14. To be in worship and feel the glory of the Lord in real physical ways (like feathers, rain, gold, etc. falling on me).
15. To see family unity for Brandon.
16. I want to see Jesus heal Bailey of her dyslexia while here on earth.
17. I want the gift of healing.
18. I want to go on radical missions for Jesus here in Austin for the lost and the hurting.
19. That Gateway would be blessed with a new release of God's goodness and favor.
20. To tithe way way more than 10%.
21. To see RADICAL church unity in and around ATX! Complete sharing of resources and gifts within the Body.
22. A complete release of God's love here in America & Austin for one another (no matter what our differences are).

If I even saw a few of these things realized I would be more than blessed. It'll be fun to look back on these and see how you decide to answer.

Letting them die

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 17:07:00 +0000

For years I've had this dream in my heart for myself. It has to do with what I want to do in my life (job wise) and serving Him. I've had this dream for about 3 years now, and I've spent countless hours in tears, prayer, and frustration over why the Lord wouldn't provide a way for me to get to this job. I was so sure that I knew what I was meant to be doing! The longer time went by and I didn't have this job, the harder I held on to that belief. I even had moments of feeling like God was holding out on me or like I wasn't good enough for this job.

Over the last three months, my dear sweet Father has been taking me on an even deeper journey of healing. Going into the deepest parts of myself and showing me more of what reality really looks like from his perspective. He's been showing me truth. I've learned a lot about myself and the way He's made me. One of the greatest things about the Lord is how gentle and kind He is with me. He's been working my heart like soil in the earth -- pulling up weeds and planting new seeds.

Yesterday I was in prayer and I just felt this dream of mine come up in my heart. Then I felt the Lord ask me to release this dream (MY dream & MY plan for my life) over to him. I have been clutching onto this dream and yesterday I was able to open my hands and give it to him. It was about the dream, but it was also about our relationship. It was about my trust in him and about his goodness as my provider. It was about me realizing (AGAIN!) that I am not God. I am not in control and I do not make the plan.

I knew inside my heart that I was standing at the grave site of this dream. I was, in that moment, letting them die. This was just one more area of surrender that He was asking for, and by his awesome grace, He helped me get there.

I wasn't sad or upset. I was actually filled with joy that I was able to open my hands and give this dream for myself over to God. As I opened my hands and let them fall to the ground, I knew that I was only making room for something bigger and better that God has planned for me. I had a surge of freedom and gratitude fill my entire spirit to the point I had to cry. His goodness truly covers me in ways that always surprise and bless me deeply.

See, I was wanting mud pies for myself and He has a banquet waiting for me. The dream job that I had for myself isn't anything compared to what He has in store for me. Maybe what He wants me to do has nothing to do with what I thought it should be! Maybe it will look completely different, but until I took my eyes off what I thought the right job path was for me, I was never gonna be able to see it.

Now my hands are open and ready for whatever He created me for. I can't wait to find out what job He has in store for me.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;" Lamentations 3:24-25

May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. - Psalm 20:3-4

kw

AW Tozer

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Thu, 20 May 2010 16:22:00 +0000

He is my all time favorite Christian writer. When I first read "The Pursuit of God" almost 4 years ago, I felt like someone finally understood the burning fire inside my heart. I felt a divine connection with him that has never gone away. I still live in his writings to this very day. I read "The Pursuit of God" at least once a year. Here are some of his thoughts that I wanted to share.

"For a man to make real spiritual progress, he must deny himself." A W Tozer quoting Thomas a Kempis.

“What I believe about God is the most important thing about me.”

"You carry worship inside your heart."

"The superior Christian lets God strip him of everything that might serve as a false refuge, a secondary trust."

"Our Groom (Jesus Christ) is now our identity and nothing in our past matters anymore."

"Only when we live in the name of Jesus can we truly pray in His name."

"We go astray when we think that we can do spiritual work without spiritual power."

"When we are enjoying the conscious presence of God, we are fulfilling the tenets of our salvation."

"True & authentic Christianity is revealed by God; not discovered or conscripted by man."

"When a man (or woman) of God dies, nothing of God dies."

“The devil is a better theologian than any of us and is a devil still.”

"God wants worshipers before workers; indeed the only acceptable workers are those who have learned the lost art of worship"

Thank you, Mr. Tozer, for being so in love with Jesus and for speaking such passion and truth about God's love to so many hearts. May God bless you now and forever more~

Rebirth (& Friendship!)

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 19 May 2010 15:03:00 +0000

The Lord called me into the desert almost 2 months ago by sending me Hosea 2:14-16 two different times in one week. I'm learning in my desert time with Jesus some deep seeded things I feel about myself. Like that I always feel like I'm on the outside of life with people, like I'm some kind of afterthought. I never really feel accepted or worthy of any one's time and love. And I feel like at any moment, people can and will just walk away, because they aren't my family. They are a copy of something that I've never had. No matter how close I let someone, they aren't my family and I carry fear about that inside me. Every relationship I've ever had my entire life, has started with a fear that at some point, they will leave me. I don't think I've known this about myself. I think it's been something unconscious that I carry. Jesus is really trying to show me that I don't have to live that way anymore. He's trying to tell me that I am not an afterthought or unworthy of other people. He even showed me that I feel like an afterthought with Brandon. I view myself as the last option for the 25 year old virgin who was searching for a wife when he met me.

Jesus had been asking me to come and sit with him and these things that hurt my heart so badly. I had been avoiding it because it's all I know. Abandonment & rejection stepped in when my parents left me as a small child. They took on the role as parents and guided me. I didn't know how to live without these things inside me. He's trying to show me who he created in me. I can see some of her. She's kind, thoughtful, loyal, dedicated, honest, hard working, and passionate. She's the kind of friend I would want in my own life. Jesus was calling me to sit with himself until I could answer why I think other people wouldn't want me, too. This is where the light meets the dark.

I don't know why, but yesterday I finally agreed to go and sit with Jesus and these painful issues. He'd been preparing me for weeks, and yesterday I finally said yes. There was something powerful that happened in my willingness to meet him at the cross with these issues. What I love about the Lord is how sweet and tender he is with me and also how he knows me better than I do. He told me things about myself that I didn't know until he revealed it to me. Once I heard him, I totally got it. It all clicked together and I could finally see where the disconnect from who I was before Jesus and who I am now came from. That I was living disconnected at all was a big ah-ha moment.

I was still living from the old me, and deep down, I hated myself because I felt like I was the reason why my parents didn't love me. Why they left me. Jesus showed me how I went inside myself when I was a little girl and took all that pain and threw it at myself instead of where it belonged. I didn't love her and I didn't want to be around her either. I wasn't kind to her and I hated her. I always felt like this was who people saw when they looked at me and it was only a matter of time before they did what my parents, Brandon's family, old friends, etc. did - leave. There was something wrong with me and sooner or later, other people would see it too. I didn't even know I felt this way. It was so hidden in my heart that only Jesus could reveal it. It came down to Jesus asking me if I trusted who he said he wanted to be with. He told me he loved being with me, that he could be himself with me, and wanted me to know myself too. He asked me if I trusted his judgement in the friends he picked. That made me laugh. I told him of course I trusted his judgement. So then we began looking even deeper inside.

The Lord showed me that I never felt like I was chosen, and that I still felt like I didn't really belong here (or with others). At the heart of all this came a blinding truth from the Lord; I see my life as an accident and my life with God now was just the Lord basically saying, "Oops, how did she get here? She was never meant to be here. Oh, well, let's make the best of it since she's here now." This is the place I have been living from since I was not only a child, but also since becoming a Christ follower 12 years ago. I'm still trying to "make the best of it" since I'm here.

Then he gave me some of the most beautiful visions I've ever seen. Jesus took me back to myself when I was like 4 and he went to me and picked me up and rocked me. He just held me and rocked me for a long time. Then I saw some of the traumatic events that happened to me around that time and I would see them happen again and but then I would see Jesus there. He would either pick me up and rock me again or he would wipe away the tears. Or he would put his arms around me and just sit with me.

Then I saw Jesus holding me as an infant. I was all swaddled up and he was rocking me and cooing over me. The room was dark and he was just rocking me in his arms.

Then I saw my mom's pregnant belly and his hand was on her tummy and he was smiling. He was bouncing all around and telling someone how excited he was that it was almost time for me to be born. He was like a little kid at Christmas so full of joy. He was squealing, "IT'S ALMOST TIME! SHE'S ALMOST HERE!"

Then I saw myself inside my mom's belly when I was just forming and Jesus was holding me. Then I heard him say, "I always wanted you here, Karin. I made you. You were not a mistake. I made you specifically to be my friend. Who I could be myself with." Then I heard Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. He told me that I wrote that passage on my wall because I wanted my children to always know that they were chosen by God, but that passage was for me, too. He also told me that just because I didn't know my Father up until 12 years ago didn't mean that he didn't know me. He weaved himself into every season of my life. Out of his great mercy and love for me, He allowed me to see him from the time I was conceived to this very moment.

Then he told me that I had to stop saying I was an orphan because it's not true. Jesus changed those memories. He said I can't say I was alone anymore and that no one was there for me, because now I've seen the truth. I got the feeling that it would hurt his feelings if I thought of myself as being along anymore or like I was telling him he didn't matter to me when he was there. That impacted my heart. Point well made, Jesus. It's not just about how I feel anymore. You are invested in this with me. You are apart of the memories now too. I don't want to minimize his presence in those memories. It wasn't like Jesus was just showing me something cool to make me feel better. I feel like he was being vulnerable with me about HIS memories of me. That changes your perspective. To say I was alone would deny how he was feeling about me all those times. He was opening up more of his heart and personality to me.

My Father was there with me from the very beginning of my life. He choose me and even when I felt alone, I've seen that I really wasn't. There isn't anymore "Karin before Jesus" and "Karin after Jesus". My life with God isn't an afterthought. It's not him "making the best out of a situation" because he felt sorry for me. My life isn't a mistake that God made somehow.

The last vision he gave me was of a little girl in a pretty dress twirling around singing "Jesus loves me this I know". He said this was my reality now. This was my past. He said that little girl now knows that Jesus loved her always.

Hosea 2:14-16 (New International Version)

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'

God chose me to be his friend. He picked me! He set me apart. He made me knowing we would be friends forever.

kw

Fear & Failure

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 12 May 2010 19:07:00 +0000

This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:24

It's a great day when you can face your fears head on and say, "You don't get to win the battle today!" When you stand up to your internal insecurities and doubts. I have wasted years *YEARS* on the fears and personal doubts. Not anymore, I quit~

Can you say, "No, not today, fears! Win or lose, today I choose freedom!"

Real failure is not being willing to try.

What are you afraid of?

What I've learned about prayer

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Mon, 10 May 2010 17:50:00 +0000

God called me to a life of prayer just about 4 years ago on my first mission trip to Reynosa, Mexico. I wasn't a person who enjoyed prayer before that. I never would have picked that for myself because it sounded so boring (just being honest here!). I had never even really prayed before that. I did here and there, but never out loud and never understood why it was so important.

When I came back from Reynosa I decided to start learning about prayer. Aside from the awesome lessons the Holy Spirit was teaching me (I saw a LOT of answered prayers and miracles when I first came back. It was almost like God was showing off big time to get my attention & focus to prayer). I also read a lot and studied the Scriptures on prayer. Here are some of my favorite passages that I studied;

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him. " 1 John 5:14-15

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." John 15:7-8

“And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." John 14:13-14

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:7-11

I think when I first started learning about prayer, I would get caught up on the praying "according to his will, he hears us/it shall be done for us" part. It kinda sounded like a mean trick to me. God, how will I KNOW to pray your will and not MY will? How can anyone know YOUR will? I wrestled with this one question for a long time. Sometimes I still have to be very cautious that I am not praying MY will be done, but His. My heart can be a liar, so how will I know??

The Holy Spirit had me study the heart of God. The more I studied His heart, the more mine was transformed. The more my heart was transformed, the more I could feel and see things in the world that touched God's heart. It's not just "...in Jesus name, amen" and you're done. It's about a oneness between your heart and Jesus'. It's in that sameness, that continued pursuit to have a mirrored image of Jesus' heart, in which we pray. It could very well be said, "In Jesus' heart I pray, amen!" and be a better visual I think. You can't just throw down whatever and say, "In Jesus name I pray, amen" -- at least it doesn't work that way for me, I should say. I've never seen God answer a prayer of mine like that. I know he works in all kinds of ways so I can't say he doesn't do it for other people. God hears ALL our prayers and nothing is impossible for him. I'm talking more about the heartbeat behind intercession.

So, how do we know? Learn and seek the heart of our God. Study him and come to know his character. Study his Word and watch at how Jesus responded to people. How he spoke to them. How he served them. His heart drove everything he did. Press into that and allow the Holy Spirit to transform your own heart into the heart of Christ. We carry His Spirit inside us. The more you learn about His heart, the more you can seek the Holy Spirit to do the same in your own heart. Then you will see more things like Jesus did and respond the same way.

Sometimes when I pray I don't pray the "obvious" thing because that's not what the Lord is showing me. I went to pray for a woman who's struggling to fight for her life because of cancer this past weekend and I thought I was going to walk in there and pray for healing right off the bat. I did pray for God to supernaturally heal her, but that's not what he pressed upon my heart after I sat there awhile. Those prayers actually came much later in our time together. So I let go of what the obvious place to start was, and allowed him to lead this holy moment. I had to take a step back and bow to his will and his desire for this family, even if that meant I might not pray for her healing at all. That's a scary place to be because people expect you to pray for the things of their heart -- which aren't always bad. This family wanted their mom healed and I didn't even go near that for almost an hour of prayer. But you have to listen and you have to follow HIM, and not anyone else. Of course it goes without saying that the Lord doesn't want people to die from cancer, or families to end in divorce, etc. cause his heart is for HEALING in all things. Please don't hear me say that it's God's will for people to suffer or not to pray for the things that matter to our hearts.

The Holy Spirit showed me that there were other things going on within this family - wonderful, beautiful things going on besides cancer. Other things that touched God's heart that He wanted us to lift up before we prayed for healing. It took me by surprised, but I knew I was praying His will be done for this family. It was so wonderful and really moved my heart. We were all crying because God's love was so overwhelming and tangible.

It's not the mind that prays the will of God, but rather the heart. When you pray for things that you naturally wouldn't go for, it's a good sign it's His will. And if he's asking you to pray it, you can be assured He will accomplish it. He's having you pray that for a reason. Why wouldn't he then want to see it done? Press your heart into God's and wait for him. Don't be afraid to just sit and listen for his direction. He's faithful and he will guide your heart. He listens to our prayers and he answers them -- I've seen him do it too many times to have any doubt!

I love you, Father. Keep leading my heart and showing me your will on earth as it is in heaven.

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me." Psalm 50:15

His UNPLUGGED Kindness

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 05 May 2010 01:16:00 +0000

Sometimes the Lord just fills my heart with so much joy I laugh. Last Sunday night was our monthly worship service called, UNPLUGGED. This was our second one and I just love them! I pray leading up to this service every time and just feel so happy when it gets here.

I was full of so much joy the whole night. I would literally catch myself just busting out laughing with joy. Then Ramy, our worship director, said during communion they were going to teach us a new song. When I heard it, my heart just melted and I cried. It's really one of my personal favorites and I couldn't believe I was hearing it OUT LOUD at Gateway. These lyrics are so deep and so powerful. It's one where you think, "Why can't I write like that to Jesus!" Kim Walker Smith sings about just being granted the favor of seeing Jesus' face over and over. It's so good! I've worshiped to this song so many times in my prayer closet -- just pouring my heart out to God, praying he would grant me the favor of our King's face, too. Even just one time -- to see his face. Another lyric goes; "For I live only to see your face, so shine on me."

Sometimes you just feel the kindness and the goodness of the Lord come upon you. This was one of those moments for me. I could feel his love poured out on me by way of a song I've poured out to him so many times before in our secret place.

It felt like it was a beautiful gift from him especially to me. Oh, how he loves.

Here's the song. It's called, "Light of your face" by Jesus Culture.

Adoption!

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 16:12:00 +0000

Now I know this might sound silly, but I've always wanted to be adopted -- yes, even as an adult. I'm sure it's because of my growing up and all, but I miss the extended family. I remember meeting Caitlin Albright & Debra Evans and thinking, "Either of them would be a PERFECT addition for me!"

I still long for the holidays with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. I still long for the summer vacations with the grandparents and watching my children grow with cousins. Or even simple things like overnights with grandma and grandpa. That hasn't been the case for me and my family, and it's been painful. It's always there....the longing. We never stop needing family, do we?

This past weekend, little Brynn got very ill. She got both strep throat and pneumonia and it took her D-O-W-N! She ran a super high fever for 48 hours straight. I kept talking to the Dr. back and forth, but she kept telling me to just keep her hydrated, give her the antibiotics, and bath her when we fever would spike. She slept for 24 hours straight one day, and the waiting for this fever to break was driving me nuts. I stayed up one night to keep the cycle of fever meds, fluids, and "throw up watch" going and Brandon did the other night. We were both tired and worried about our little one.

And while it really DID suck, the Lord was good to us! He sent in an army of people to love and care for my whole family while we loved and cared for Brynnie. I've never had so many people call, text, and email me these last 3 days. People being up in the night to pray for Brynn, people wanting to bring dinner for us, ice cream for Brynn, you name it & it was offered. People calling from airports, hotels, on the road to business trips. "What can we do?! What do you need?" People who couldn't come by to pray over her in person asking me for daily pics of her so they could see her face.

Just the fact that so many people stopped what they were doing to tell us they loved us and were praying for us meant so much to me. I know what it's like to serve other people. I know it blesses you just as much (if not MORE) then it blesses the person you are serving, but you never think about it being YOU that needs to be served. None of these people "have time" to stop and add us to their radar, but God put us on their hearts and they responded. They reached out, and trust me, it mattered! It helped! Every call, facebook post, text, visit, tweet, etc. got us through it.

I might not ever have that "extended family" I've always dreamed of, but God has given us a place in HIS family. When we needed to really feel and see family in our lives, God sent us His family. We weren't a burden. We were loved and valued. I truly saw Christ in the hearts of these people. Their concern for our little girl was legit. They weren't doing "the Christian thing" because it was the "right thing" to do. They were doing it out of love for us. We were cared for and our burdens were carried for a little while. These people LOVE us! I confess that I feel disappointment with people from time to time, and yes, even people from within the church walls, but not this week.

I feel like God whisper to me, "Look at who your real family is, Karin. Look at how I've redeemed even this in your life! You are not an orphan. You have not been abandoned by MY family!" I feel like God has shown me how good His Body can be. How loving and strong. How caring and thoughtful. It's been an amazing gift to my heart.

Maybe I don't have to search anymore for something that's right in front me.

Maybe I've been adopted after all.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -Ephesians 1:4-5

A new season

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 17:41:00 +0000

My deepest desire is not that God would use my life in some awesome and incredible way, but just to know him more. To not let me become stagnate in my walk with Jesus. To not become too comfortable, to keep moving and pressing into the Lord. I know well that there is so much more of God's glory, and I want to see it. I want to experience it. I want to behold more of his beauty and grace. I used to want God to use my life to change the world, but over the last year (and more this last WEEK!), that desire has grown dimmer inside my heart.

I've been in a really sweet season with the Lord for about 4 years. He's kept me hungry and kept me longing for his heart. While it's been an amazing season, I know that it's also comfortable. I look for ways to challenge myself and my faith. I like to push the boundaries of what church looks like and is reflected out in the world. Then last week happened....

Let me back up a little. In 2006, I went on my first mission trip. I call it "hell week" because it was such a defining moment in my faith, and life really. God became real to me there and I met Jesus for the first time. It also had some real darkness in it that God allowed to happen. It was really unlike anything I had ever experienced, but God was waking up my faith and taking me to the next level with himself. It took a long time (maybe 1-2 years) to understand even a little of what happened that week, but I came back and had rapid growth inside my spirit.

Over the last year, I've been really intentional about praying that our Father would take me to the next level again. That he would not let me get bored and stagnate. I haven't felt that way at all with him. It's an exciting adventure that I love, but I see how it happens in the hearts of many of my brothers and sisters. Or how being used becomes more important then knowing the heart of our God. I don't want that for me (or for them, really!), but if I'm honest with myself, it's something I have to choose to fight against.

Anyway, about 7 months ago I had three different dreams within the same week. Each night it was a different person of the Holy Trinity, and each one was telling me the same message, but in a very different way. I processed these with two very gifted friends of mine whom I trust greatly. They also said what I felt within my heart - that God had heard my prayers and that he was going to take me to the next level & new season. The only thing the dreams didn't tell me was when. I asked one of my friends when he thought this might be coming and he said, "When it comes, I have no doubt that you will know it!". So I told the Lord I received his message and I would wait patiently on him.

Last week was "Hell week" part II. I'm still very much in the process of it, but today as I was talking to the Lord he reminded me of those dreams. He reminded me that I would know when it was time, and I just rejoiced in my heart. He's been doing some major downloading into my spirit and I'm really excited.

I have no idea where he is taking me or what it all means, but I trust him and I know he's faithful. I know that he has put this desire for more of himself inside my heart, so I am pressing inward and keeping my eyes right on him. I'm sure that in the weeks and months ahead, I will learn even more about last week and what it has to do with my ever growing faith in Jesus. I'm looking forward to God sharing his insights with me on it. He's pretty good to me like that!

Here's to new seasons!

All my love to you,
kw

Friends

noreply@blogger.com (kw) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 21:51:00 +0000

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:13

This is a very dear passage to me. It's one of those passages that I try really hard to mark my own life by. In fact, I am passionate about it. We are all moving so fast. We are all so over scheduled and overworked. Busy lives give way to relationships &/or community and that makes my heart so sad. It's a definite trick of the enemy to keep us from living the life we have been taught by Christ with other believers. We turn down the volume of God's voice or the promptings of the Holy Spirit for one another. I want to treasure the people God has put in my life and treat them as the blessings they are from Him. I want to truly encounter the beauty of community. That takes action. People aren't going to "just know" that I love them. I mean, they will as we grow in fellowship, but what are we doing to lay our lives down for our friends to show them we love them? Are we being intentional, and if not, why not?

So back to John 15:13 and how am I living this out? For me, sometimes it means you look and see who the Lord has placed in your heart and you fight for them in prayer when their hearts are troubled. You give up whatever was on your calendar that day and you sit with the Lord on their behalf because THIS is real life. THIS is the kingdom of God advancing! You surrender "your day", "your time", "your plan" for God's. You go into the secret place and lay these loved ones at His feet & you wait upon the Lord. You allow the Holy Spirit to carry you into the darkness of our broken world, and you let the love God has put inside your heart for them to propel you to another place. You will go however far and deep you have to for them. I really believe that things happen when you pray in love like this for other people -- I've seen it too many times. For me, it isn't my faith that moves the mountain, it's sincere, honest, and raw love that moves it.

Open your spirit up and let the Lord guide your heart. I have to confess something to you now though; it hurts, it's emotional, and it's draining -- it's also very beautiful & holy. In the darkness and in the pain, you are giving up your life in that moment for them. Your peace, your comfort, your joy -- for whatever is causing them pain or stress. You are laying down your life for them to feel peace and comfort again & in that moment, nothing else matters. Something supernatural happens when we do this -- God not only grows our heart and our capacity to love more like Jesus, He fills our newly grown hearts with more of His divine love. His love alone makes it all worth it. I don't know about you, but I am definitely after more of God's love in my own heart. I want as much as He will give me. The more of His love that flows into my heart, the more it can flow back out into the world. I don't love from my own strength, but from the overflowing spring of His love within me.

I did this today for one of my dearest friends. It blessed my heart so much to be able to go there on their behalf. To know that they trust me enough with their junk, and that I can trust the Lord enough to go into the darkness for them. What a beautiful circle of love between us all. I've had experiences like this before, but I never get tired of them. I'll fight for anyone God puts in my path, but there is something extra special and redeeming when one of my closest friends opens their hearts to me so that I can then open my heart to God on their behalf. Our friendship is now stronger because of today, and will only help me dig deeper the next time I enter into prayer for them. That's so powerful to sit and think about.

I also want to mention that I think whatever we sacrifice for this kind of devotion and love to our friends, God not only blesses but also replaces. I want to be this kind of friend and I want these kinds of friends in my own life. I realize that it will look different to everyone, but my point is use the gifts God gave you not only out in the world, but also in the people He's put in your life. May the sweet Lord let it be so.

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. 1 Pet. 4:10

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. 1 Corinthians 12:4-6

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:9-12

All my love to you,
kw