Mes Belles Lettres

How my Heart Has Longed for You

2017-10-07T13:48:00.001-07:00

I can still remember when I graduated from law school. It was still technically finals week, but all my finals were done. It was a Sunday, I was at church, looking forward to my parents and youngest brother coming out to Vermont for my graduation. People at church were congratulating me on finishing this really ridiculously difficult, expensive, and time consuming thing that I had been working on for the last three years. However,there was a moment when someone said to me, "that's great, but it's nothing compared to being married and having a family. Just wait until you have kids."

In that moment I had no words, I wished that he would have just walked up to me and stabbed me in the heart instead. I think we've all endured some form of this torture. "Why aren't you married?" "Why don't you have kids?" "What aren't you doing/having/being (insert someone else's opinion of what makes your life valuable here)?" I've reflected on that moment a lot because there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that he has no place to be speaking to me like that. He has no idea that right before I came to law school I had dealt with a messy heartbreak, and that my depression game was strong that first year, and that it had led to my eating disorder game coming back pretty strong as well. I wanted to tell him that the thing I wanted most in life was to be married with kids of my own, but I only have so much control over when I was going to meet someone I wanted to marry who wanted to marry me back. I wanted to tell him that even though up to that point in my life I hadn't even had the opportunity to find out, given my family's history, I was concerned about whether or not I'd even be able to have kids when the time came. I wanted him to know that, being the planner that I am, I had decided years before that if I ever managed to be in a situation where I was trying to have kids, and couldn't, that I would adopt.

I also wanted to tell him to back off and mind his own business. I wanted to tell him that my worth, and the work I had put into my achievements was not diminished by his idea of what would make my life valuable. I wanted him to know that going to law school had been my plan since age 12 and it had not been an easy road. There were twists and turns where I was afraid of what was coming next, but as I put my trust in the Lord, HE had guided me down that path, and I had no regrets. I wanted to tell him that at no moment did I feel my Heavenly Father saying to me, "good job finishing law school and all, but... when are you going to get married?"

It's been several years since that moment. A little over five years to be exact. I served a mission for my church and then I started working as a prosecutor. I found the greatest human on the earth to marry. Can I just say as an aside, when people ask you, "when are you going to get married?" where do they think this other person is going to appear? Can they build one for you? I mean seriously, it's not like I had a line of guys proposing that I was turning down. I was trying really hard to live my life right. I wanted to meet someone. I hadn't met someone. What was I supposed to do? Sit around doing nothing in my life? That would be a super desirable quality in a future wife...

Anyway, I look back on the years of my life and I just feel so blessed. Would I have loved to have met my husband years earlier than I did? You bet! He's the best thing ever! Would I have loved to have been pregnant in my twenties when I didn't feel so old and tired to begin with? Heck yes! Those things didn't happen though. I met my husband when I was 29. We got married when I was thirty. I got pregnant at 31.

Guess what, I still feel the same way about how my Heavenly Father views me and my life. Like He loves me and wants me to be happy. Like He is there for me when things are good AND when things are not good. Like He understands that all things are working together for my good, whether I understand it or not. I do not feel like He is disappointed in me for the order my life has taken.

So, the next time you feel like reminding someone that you're happier than they are because of the thing you have that they don't have, don't do it. It's none of your business anyway. You don't know where that person is at in his or her life. You don't know what they need or why their life has taken the path it has taken. It's none of your business anyway. Let's just try to be kind, because you don't know what their heart may be longing for, and words can cut like a knife.

What can I say to you now?

2017-07-27T21:05:00.003-07:00

I think about blogging on this blog a lot. Blogging just to write seems to be a lost art form. It's all Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram. People want the short and sweet and only look at blogs for recipes and tutorials.

So maybe I'm selfish and want to just write this for me. Prior to my mission this blog really became like my journal. I was really bad at journaling, but I could write on this blog easily, and I did so often. Maybe it's pride, believing that there are people out there that want to hear what I have to say.

I mean, a lot of people aren't reading it anyway, so I guess in the end it is still mostly just for me. There is so much happening in my life right now and I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget how I feel about it, I don't want to miss the chance to write down my feelings so I can come back later and reflect on it. I should get this blog printed as a hard copy journal and keep it for my future generations to read. Maybe I was always writing it for them anyway.

Blog, I am pregnant! I think I barely told you that I got married, but I did, last year. I got married to the greatest human I have ever met! Where did he come from? Why does he love me? How did I trick him into marrying me? Why is he driving me crazy in this very moment when I am writing about how awesome he is? (He is seriously sitting on the couch right now giving me a hard time about writing on some blog he's never heard of. My nutty husband *swoon.*)

Our one year anniversary is coming up in about a week. I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by! I can't believe that I am 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby, a little girl. I can't believe that we bought a new house and moved, and traveled to France for the Paris Temple open house, and our lives as exciting and amazing and wonderful and hard and exhausting and just absolutely beautiful.

I have so many things I am thinking about all of this and I think I am going to break it up into different segments. So I am going to become more consistent in my writing, because I don't want to forget.

Until next time.

Love,

Renny

When Life Gives You Lemons

2017-03-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've been ruminating on this post for some time now. I want to give it the time and attention it deserves. I also don't want people to get bored reading it, or feel lectured.

I'll do my best to not fail at those things. Forgive me if I fail. Please read the whole thing!

In this social network age we live in, it is easier to stay in touch with people, and also hear about their really hard trials. We all get hard trials in life, sometimes people feel like sharing parts or all of those trials on social network. A recurring theme I see from people reaching out to the one in the midst of the storm is to say, "God gave you this trial because He knows you can handle it."

We really need to stop imagining God as someone who sits around all day imagining up horrible thing for us to endure. That is untrue and unfair, and diminishes who God is, and what He wants for us.

To understand the way life really works you need to ask yourself three questions:

1. Where did I come from?
2. Why am I here?
3. Where am I going?

Question 1: Where did I come from? We came from God's presence. We lived with our Heavenly Parents as spiritual beings. Our Parents are perfect, they have bodies of flesh and bone. They are glorious, and they love us more than you can imagine loving anyone. We saw our Parents with their awesomeness and Their loving perfectness, and we want to be like Them, because They are ridiculously happy. They want us to be like Them too. So, before we even came to Earth, before this planet we're rolling around on existed, They presented to us a plan. A plan where we would leave Their presence and forget about where we came from for awhile. We'd get bodies, hey, They have bodies! We need bodies! And we'd be tested and tried. They were not going to leave us wandering around in the dark. They would send us messengers, prophets, disciples, leaders that would have the truth of where we came from revealed to them, and they'd be commanded to share that truth with us.

Also, They would send our Oldest Brother, our Perfect Brother, Jesus to live on this Earth and Atone for us. Why would that be necessary? Well because in order to become like our Heavenly Parents we need to be perfect, but part of the purpose of this life is that we need to learn to overcome our imperfections. We can try really hard to be good, but we are going to mess up sometimes. God, our Heavenly Parents were going to let us mess up, because in order to become perfect, we need to choose it for ourselves. As you can see this creates a dichotomy where we have to be perfect but we can't be perfect. Jesus Christ solves this problem because He willingly agreed to fill the role of our Savior. He would come and live a perfect life, teaching us exactly what we needed to do to become like our Heavenly Parents. He would be exactly obedient and teach us everything we need to know to succeed at this stage in our progression. Then, he would offer Himself up as the ultimate sacrifice. Perfect and sinless, he would pay the price for the sins of all the rest of us. That way, all we would need to do every time we mess up is turn to our Savior, our Older Brother Jesus and use that Atonement, and all would be forgiven and made right. Everything unfair would be made fair.

We heard this plan and we were totally down with it. You are here on this earth because you accepted that plan and accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior. So, our Heavenly Father and our Older Brother Jesus got to work and made us this planet and put Adam and Eve on it to get the ball rolling, and ever since they ate the fruit and were cast out of the garden to start their probationary state we've been coming here to Earth.

Jesus came and He held up His end of the bargain. Every wrong thing you have done and will ever do has already been paid for through Him. You know what else the Atonement covers? Your suffering at the hands of other people. Your sickness that came out of nowhere. The sadness you felt when your dog died, when your sister was mean to you, when you found out you had cancer, when your best friend, spouse, parent, grandparent, anyone you know, died, from old age, from sickness from anything. That time you were lost in a town you didn't know and were low on gas and it was late and you were scared, it covers that too. Every bad thing you can imagine happening to you has been taken care of.

So, now, lets get to that second question:

2. Why am I here? Well, like I said, you chose it. You heard this plan and you were like, "word! I want that! I am in!" (I imagine that is how I said it. You may have said it differently, but either way you agreed.) So we all came here and we were all born into different families and we forgot where we came from. BUT! We all have that divine spark within us. That Light of Christ that will whisper to you and tell you that what I am saying right now is true. God didn't send us here to forget about Him, He sent us to REMEMBER Him! He is watching out over everything and He wants us to succeed. Our Heavenly Parents love us so much that they willingly sacrificed their Oldest Son. He didn't even ever do anything wrong. He was always helpful, always kind, and always good. They asked Him to do a really hard thing and He did it. They asked Him to do it because they love ALL of us as much as they love Him.

So you are here to learn, to grow, to gain a physical body and learn how to be good to it. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God sent prophets to give us commandments. If we follow those commandments we'll be good. We'll get blessings and we be using the Atonement (because the Atonement covers everything and is in everything.) If we do everything God has asked us to do. If we keep His commandments and make and keep sacred covenants with him (covenants like baptism, that's the first one we make) then not only does He bless us in this life, but in the life to come! Because, this is not the end, it's just the next step, which brings us to the third question.

3. Where am I going? Well, really, that's completely up to you. Now, to be perfectly frank I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (you may know us as Mormons, but that's the real name of my church) my idea of "heaven" is vastly different from the majority of Christian religions, or really any monotheistic religion. That could be an entire post for another day, but the long and short of it is, if you think heaven is a place where you will be happy for forever, congratulations, you are going to heaven.

Our Heavenly Parents want us to be happy and they have designed our lives to lead us to the place where we will be happiest. Like I said, God gave us commandments to follow, and covenants to make. If you follow all of those things and make and keep all of those covenants then you will be what I call, the most happiest, because you'll get to live in God's presence again. Our bodies will become perfect like His, and we will become like Him.

If you're a good person, you tried to do what is right, you were nice to people, you helped old ladies across the street and you rescued stray dogs and never committed any crimes, but you didn't make all those necessary covenants, well it isn't really fair that you have to go to "hell" now is it? No, it's not. And you know what? God is fair! So, you get to go be in a place where you don't get to become like God is, but you're going to have a lot of happiness and you'll get to go around doing good things still.

If you were kind of a jerk that didn't care about other people, you kicked dogs, you were mean to your mom, and maybe you committed some crimes. Well, that's not nice. However, you never murdered anyone, never ordered mass genocide. Never had an actual heavenly experience where a Divine Being appeared to you and invited you to change and you were like, "HA! No. I'm spending the rest of my life fighting against YOU!" Well ,guess what, God has a place for you too where you get to be happy. You don't get to be in His presence, you probably wouldn't feel comfortable there anyway right? You don't get to be with those people who tried to do good, but just didn't do ALL of the necessary things, but you still get to be somewhere where you are going to be happy.

So, now that we've looked at those three questions I ask you, is God really sitting there going, "how can I make _______'s life kind of terrible today?" No! He isn't. I mean really, I just don't think God talks like that at all.

Lets talk about one of the most important things we have in this life. It's called agency. It is our freedom to choose how we will live our lives. It is our freedom to decide where we want to end up once our time on this earth is done. God will not infringe on our agency, He wants us to be free to choose for ourselves what kind of person we want to be.What does this mean? It means that sometimes, (oftentimes) our agency affects other people and what happens to them.

If you find yourself in a horribly abusive relationship, God did not GIVE you that relationship just so you can be miserable. He loves you! He doesn't want you to be miserable! He wants you to be happy. However, He also does not infringe on the other person's choice to be awful to you. I know, it doesn't seem fair sometimes. But God is exactly fair. We are ALL given agency, and He doesn't take it away from anyway. Don't fret though, ALL of our choices have consequences, be they good or bad. So, when you find yourself in a bad situation, of any kind, whether it be the example I just gave or something else, don't think for a second that God gave you this hard thing as though He is a cat and you are a toy He is playing with. Ask yourself a few questions, what is causing this situation? What can I control about it and change? What can't I control? Where can I get help for the things within my control? Who can take care of the things not in my control?

When the answer to the first question is "me" (because yes, we sometimes cause our own problems) the next step is to change my behavior because, ding ding ding! That is the answer to the second question. I can control ME and MY actions! Sometimes though, our situation is caused by another person's bad behavior, or it is caused because our bodies are imperfect and sometimes we can try to be the healthiest person ever but our imperfect body develops cancer cells, or we contract some other type of sickness. Whatever the case may be, there will be things within your control and other things that are out of your control.

The goal of our Heavenly Parents is for us to turn to THEM! That is where we can get help for the things within our control. THEY are the ones who can take care of the things outside our control. That's why they sent Jesus Christ! Remember, He took care of all that stuff already! They want you to use your agency to turn to Them! Turn to the Atonement! All that is unfair in life will be made fair through the Atonement of Jesus Christ!

That can manifest itself in different ways, and I am sure by now in life you have enough of your own unique examples of how it works. Feel free to share them here if you feel comfortable.

You all know the cliche phrase, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Lemons are sour. They are not a thing I usually want to eat on their own. But put them in a drink, or a lemon bar, or lemon meringue pie, or some other dish, and lemons become wonderful and refreshing. They can rejuvenate us.

So the next time you or someone you know is going through a trial, instead of thinking, "God gave me this because of (insert whatever reason here)" tell yourself instead. "I have a lemon, it's time to use the Atonement." I promise that your relationship with your Savior and your Heavenly Parents will become exponentially better.

Late Night Musings: On Love

2017-03-23T17:44:00.001-07:00

I have been married a grand total of 7 and a half months. Now that I am obviously an expert on the subject I thought I would share some of my late night musings with you.

It is amazing to me all of the random little things I will realize that I love about my husband. For example, the other night after he got out of the shower he was shaving and I was watching him shave and thinking about how I love that he has facial hair.

I don't mean in a purely physical, I am attracted to guys with facial hair kind of way, although I always have been a fan of the five o clock shadow, and my husband does look good with it.

We just moved and our house is a mess and things are everywhere and he hadn't shaved in a week and a half because he couldn't find his razors. That facial hair was life happening. He couldn't shave easily because we were moving into a new house. Our home, that we are spending the rest of our lives in (because I seriously never want to go through the moving process again). All that time we had spent packing up part of our old house to make it look "model ready," that night we stayed up past midnight just to steam clean the tile floors so that someone else could come look at it and think it is beautiful and buy it. Then we packed more, and cleaned more and moved more things into storage. We made an offer on a house and packed more and cleaned more so our appraisal would be what we wanted it to be. We had disagreements and I cried, because that's what I do. We moved out and stayed at my brother and sister in law's house for a week before we could move into our new house. Now there are boxes everywhere and a swimming pool in the backyard that we are trying to figure out how to keep in good condition. There is a garden that has tomatoes growing in it and we're trying to learn to be gardeners. I don't know where I want to hang all the pictures yet, and we haven't decided what furniture to put in the room with the fireplace. There is a tree fort in the backyard that will likely kill someone someday, but it is cool that we have it.

So, my husband hadn't had time to shave because we were living our life and moving forward. We are moving into this house in a nice area with good schools and more bedrooms because we want to have kids and we need somewhere to put them. It is closer to my parents for free future baby-sitting, and closer to my work and further away from my husband's work but he moved there for me because he loves me.

He had facial hair, facial hair that looks good on him anyway, but facial hair signifying that there is something else happening in our life together that is enriching us, helping us move forward, strengthening our relationship, and preparing us for new and exciting things to come.

And I love it.

Rebirth

2017-03-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself in those quiet moments of deepest thinking, you know, when you can't fall asleep at night or when you're in the shower, feeling like you should be writing these thoughts down and sharing them with people? These are the thoughts to end world hunger and cure all illness after all. Well I have. When it happens I think, I should dust off the old blog and start writing again.

In the light of day, fully dressed with clean hair, it's hard to remember all of those brilliant thoughts that I should be sharing.

I miss this blog though. I blog with my mom and sisters now, at this site. It's so much fun. I love it! Sometimes I miss having a place all of my own. This is my little corner of the universe where all my thoughts can spill out, and anyone with the Internet and sufficient boredom can read them.

I don't know if I want a meandering blog. People like structure. They like purpose and direction. I want to give the people what they want.

Many things in my life have changed since my last post. Maybe I'll tell you about them in more detail for different reasons later ( don't worry about that maybe, I definitely will.)

First of all, I finally found a job. I started working as a prosecutor for this fine state I live in down in Yuma. Do you know where Yuma is? I'll tell you all about it someday because I love Yuma now. I loved my job. It was amazing and I felt reassured every day that I had chosen the exact right career.

In the midst of all that something even more wonderful than a great job happened. I met the best person I have ever known. That, my friends, is no exaggeration. I met this wonderful human, this man, and I just fell in love with him so easily. He is full of goodness and kindness and it became immediately clear to me that I couldn't spend the rest of my life without him.

He lived three hours away from me. So I left my awesome job and found a different one ( doing the same thing, in a different place) and he and I got married. We got married and I moved into his house. Then, because he loves me, we moved! To another house. Our house. That move is very recent, like a week ago recent.

Getting married to the best human I have ever known and being in our new forever home (because I am never moving again. That was the absolute worst thing imagineable) is the best thing that has ever happened to me hands down. I have so many thoughts and feelings to share on the subject, but I am going to have to break it up into parts. It won't fit into one post. At least not one anyone would read.

I don't know what I want to tell you about all of that, or anything else... yet. But I haven't showered yet today (don't judge me) so I will probably have something more to share here soon.

I'm back. Please, stick around. I promise it's going to be a lot of fun!

I Don't Want to Sit Across the Table From You Wishing I Could Run

2015-06-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

No, this blog post is not going to get into the fact that Cake songs currently seem to describe my life. Although they do.

Ever since the Supreme Court ruling on Obergefell v. Hodges came out last week the internet has been abuzz with debates and anger, and I have been called "such a libertarian" "so Mormon" at work more times than one. I don't want this post to be a rehash of everything that has already been said on the subject, there are plenty of other bloggers out there telling you what is right or wrong with the ruling according to them. I do, however, feel compelled to give you a history lesson. If you majored in history like I did, you just got excited. If you didn't, please read this anyway. Then you can tell me I am such a libertarian and so Mormon! It's fun!

I want to start by going back into some ancient American history. In the Book of Mormon we read about a king named Mosiah who was nearing the end of his life on this earth. He had four sons and the people wanted the kingdom conferred on the oldest son, as was fairly typical of most kingdoms throughout history. Aaron, the king's eldest son, refused. King Mosiah decided to encourage the people to enter into a different system of law. One wherein they would have more of a voice in the laws of the land, and in turn, would have more accountability for their own actions. A system with judges was created.

Why did King Mosiah do this? Thankfully, he tells us why, and we have it in the record as follows:

And now if there should be another appointed in his stead, behold I fear there would rise contentions among you. And who knoweth but what my son, to whom the kingdom doth belong, should turn to be angry and draw away a part of this people after him, which would cause wars and contentions among you, which would be the cause of shedding much blood and perverting the way of the Lord, yea, and destroy the souls of many people.

Now I say unto you let us be wise and consider these things, for we have no right to destroy my son, neither should we have any right to destroy another if he should be appointed in his stead...

Therefore, choose you by the voice of this people, judges, that ye may be judged according to the laws which have been given you by our fathers, which are correct, and which were given them by the hand of the Lord.

Now it is not common that the voice of the people desireth anything contrary to that which is right; but it is common for the lesser part of the people to desire that which is not right; therefore this shall ye observe and make it your law—to do your business by the voice of the people.

And if the time comes that the voice of the people doth choose iniquity, then is the time that the judgments of God will come upon you; yea, then is the time he will visit you with great destruction even as he has hitherto visited this land.

After King Mosiah finished his explanation to the people of why he thought judges would be better, and describing how the system of judges would work we read that the people "expressed a willingness to answer for (their) own sins." (see Mosiah chapter 29)

In other words, the people in King Mosiah's time want to to be accountable for their own lives and their own decisions. Throughout the rest of the course of history in the Book of Mormon we see that when the people appointed good men as judges that upheld the law the people were generally happy and prosperous, yet when the voice of the people was overwhelming in appointing those that would not uphold the law, chaos and trouble abounded, and secret combinations were able to take over the government, ultimately leading, as King Mosiah prophesied, to great destruction and the death of an entire nation.

If we skip ahead to a little over a thousand years after the last of the Nephites were destroyed we find ourselves at the beginning of the birth of a nation. The founding fathers of the United States wanted to build a system of government where the people had the power to make decisions, and government would not be so large and oppressive as to simply dismiss the majority's wishes forthwith.

In reading about the creation of the United States of America as we know it today we can see many similarities between Mosiah's thinking and the likes of George Washington, Ben Franklin, and others that took a very active role in the writing of the Constitution. At the base is the idea that the people govern themselves and take responsibility for their own actions.

How did the founding fathers see this playing out? They would limit the role of the Federal Government. While the Constitution would remain the supreme law of the land (there had been too many problems with lack of authority involved in the Articles of Confederation) most issues could, and should, be settled at a state level, where the smaller governments could better listen to the voice of the people in their state, and make policy decisions based upon that voice.

In the past 80 or so years (ever since the depression) the growth of our federal government has hit the tipping point of the roller coaster, ever accelerating into the overreaching, grotesque monster it has become today. It doesn't look like it is slowing down either.

Remember when I wrote this post? I still stand by it one hundred percent. What we give up each time we allow any branch of the federal government to overreach their bounds is a little bit more of our agency to act for ourselves. This means the Supreme Court should not legislate from the bench, and no branch of the federal government should be getting involved in states rights issues.

How is it that we have gotten to a point where people can say #lovewins as though we really want to be giving the federal government power to be legislating love? Granted, they have already done it in the past. I wasn't surprised by Justice Kennedy's ruling, given that he wrote the majority decision in Lawrence v. Texas, and the Supreme Court gave themselves precedent to be legislating how and who can receive marriage licenses in states with Loving v. Virgina. The problem is, they shouldn't be. The instances where I think the court should be getting involved in someone's love life are seldom, and anything they legislate will not really have anything to do with love.

So I suppose in the end this post is a warning about the tides turning as the voice of the people beg more and more often for the federal government to be meddling in things they should not be meddling in. We shouldn't be wishing to give up our agency. The carnage that faced the Nephites was so terrible that it cause the leader of their army, Mormon himself (yeah, that's the one), to cry out after viewing the death and destruction all around him:

And my soul was rent with anguish, because of the slain of my people, and I cried:

O ye fair ones, how could ye have departed from the ways of the Lord! O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!

Behold, if ye had not done this, ye would not have fallen. But behold, ye are fallen, and I mourn your loss.

O ye fair sons and daughters, ye fathers and mothers, ye husbands and wives, ye fair ones, how is it that ye could have fallen!

But behold, ye are gone, and my sorrows cannot bring your return.

Generally I try not to sound like some kind of doomsday conspiracy theorist on my blog, but here is the truth of the matter. We are in the last days that the prophets have spoken of since the beginning (you know, with that Adam guy). The world will become darker as more people call good evil and evil good. We are on this path until Christ returns to reign upon the earth. Until then you have to ask yourself, where do you fall?

That is all.

Another Suitcase in Another Hall: So What Happens Now?

2015-02-28T21:00:00.002-07:00

It is the last day of February, and I promised I would blog at least once a month. I have a blog post I am working on, but it isn't quite ready yet. I think I probably care too much about it, mais bon. That is how I roll.

I have been crazy busy volunteering with Community Legal Services, teaching piano lessons, enjoying new babies in the family, and very anxiously waiting to hear back on a few job prospects. I hate not having a plan. I need a plan. If I have a plan and the plan changes that is okay, but I need a plan. That is probably a blog post for another day.

Tonight I thought I would write about something that has been on my mind lately for so many different reasons. I am going to start with this quote from Gerald N. Lund from a conference talk he gave in April 2008.

The heart is a tender place. It is sensitive to many influences, both positive and negative. It can be hurt by others. It can be deadened by sin. It can be softened by love. Early in our lives,we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to.

Elder Lund's talk is focusing on opening our hearts to the Holy Spirit. However, I remember when he gave this talk, in fact, I am pretty sure I blogged about it then. I remember being struck by not wanting to have my gate be a huge padlocked iron gate.

Well, my friends, here we are seven years later and I have recently discovered that I kind of failed at that. Not that it is an iron gate. Remember how in December I blogged about vulnerability and having the upper hand in relationships?

Yes, I think this is a problem. Good communication is so vital in any relationship. I have been evaluating my extreme inability to speak to people about the things that are in my head. I can't keep being Clarence Thomas guys. I have to get back to being good at communicating. I used to be good at it. I really love people, I want to be able to speak to them better than I have been lately. I don't want others to feel like I am distancing myself from them, or shutting them out for some reason. So I need to become a better communicator, even a great one.

What makes a great communicator? As I consider this question, and my own personal problem three vital components come to mind. (All biblical references are from the King James Version of the Bible.)

Confidence:

Communicators are confident, regardless of reaction, they communicate their feelings. They are not afraid of how their thoughts or ideas will be perceived, they are confident enough to believe that if they share, even if someone doesn't agree, that they are better off expressing their ideas.

I have been studying the life of the Savior and paying close attention to how He speaks to others. Christ was a master communicator who never feared reactions. Considering the fact that Christ could perceive what is in people's hearts this is incredibly impressive, because a lot of people didn't like Him.

One of my favorite stories in the scriptures is of a man sick of the palsy, whose friends lower him into the house where Christ was. Jesus tells the man that his sins are forgiven, and certain scribes start thinking to themselves that Jesus has no business forgiving people of their sins. Jesus turns to them, since, as I said, He could perceive their thoughts, and says, "Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts? For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye man know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (then saith he to the sick of the palsy) Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house." Matthew 9:4-6. Jesus did not fear the scribes and what they thought of Him. He knew He could forgive the man his sins and heal him, and He knew they should know that too.

Now of course Christ is perfect, and the things He had to say were always important. That isn't true of me. Yet, He is the example that I should be following. So, in order to become a better communicator I need to develop more confidence that what I have to say can be said, no matter the reaction.

Humility:

Great communicators are humble. Although they have confidence to speak their minds, they know that the best communication can take place when you speak humbly. It isn't necessary for them to be seen as being "right" or even the most intelligent. Humility is key, sometimes you might be wrong. Sometimes you might disagree with what someone else is saying, and if you can share that in a kind and humble manner that fosters greater communication because you can create a space where others feel safe to talk back.

Once again, Christ teaches His disciples, "And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." Matthew 20:27-28

It takes great humility to make yourself vulnerable and expose your own weaknesses, and fears, but humility is also necessary so the person you are talking to doesn't feel talked down to, but rather helps them feel comfortable to talk back.

Listening:

Humility leads into the third quality of a great communicator. Good communicators are good listeners. When you can communicate well you take the time to listen to the person you are talking to. This one seems pretty obvious, if you can't listen to what someone else has to say to you, then you aren't communicating with them, you are just speaking to listen to your own voice.

One final scripture, from Proverbs (in the Old Testament). "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end." Proverbs 19:20

Great listeners make great communicators. This opens up that gate around the heart. It can be how we gain wisdom, if we are listening in order to learn.

Those are my thoughts on communication for the evening. What else do you think it entails? What do you admire in great communicators? What has made you one (if you are one)?

No One Needs to Save Me, I'm Already Saved

2015-01-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

This is a post I have been ruminating on for some time now. I wrote it in my head a few times and now here I am committing it to blog. Finally.

So, here it is: I am not a feminist. In fact, I find it incredibly irritating when people tell me that I must a feminist because I am a woman. I already know what womanhood means to me, and it does not mean being a feminist. Feminism has been turned into a political party and I do not have to be part of it merely because of my gender. That is not empowering, in fact, it is the opposite.

The fact that I received an education does not make me a feminist either. This isn't the 1800s. Girls can go to college and law school. They don't have to be a feminist to do it.

In this post I intend to create a definition of feminism, talk about what the role of women has been in history, and what the role of women ought to be, and describe what I see as a better approach to appreciating women and men. In all of this my ultimate goal is to explain the divine nature of womanhood, and hopefully get some people thinking about why it is more valuable to focus on that divinity, rather than focusing on feminism and the troubles it breeds.

So let's get started shall we?

I. What is Feminism?

As we tackle this issue we need to define what feminism really is. According to those that identify themselves as feminists, a real definition of feminism doesn't exist. There is a general idea that feminism is essentially equality of the sexes. So then the question becomes, what does that mean?

The word equality is one that gets thrown around quite a bit, usually whenever some group of people wants something they don't have, and they are jealous that another group has it. There is a growing idea in our society that we should all have the same thing as everyone else, and somehow people believe that makes life "fair." This idea is incorrect, and is not a tenable means for society to thrive. Mostly because the words fair and equality are not synonymous. We don't all need the same things and we don't play the same roles. That just creates imbalance and inefficiency.

Moreover, we live in a world of endless possibilities, and I truly believe that those possibilities should be available to people. In the end however, we have to choose what we want, and we have to work for it. This means that we have to decide to pass on some opportunities in order to work towards specific goals. Sometimes you might fall short, or fall on hard times, and that is just part of life. In the Book of Mormon we learn that this is because there must be opposition in all things. This means that whatever we are handed in life, it can't always be equal to what everyone else is handed.

Feminism has tried to define fairness and equality as the same thing, thereby removing opposition from the equation. Fairness then becomes "I can have all the things you have, all the time." But that isn't fairness, and it actually creates inequality among people. Thus feminism is drowning in a conundrum of being self defeating in it's own definition of what it is.

What feminism has actually turned into is a political platform, and there are too many planks in that platform that I cannot stand on. Feminists are pro abortion, and while not always necessarily anti-man, their concept of what male/female relationships should be like is not in sync with God's view of those relationships. Their idea of "equality of the sexes" is essentially "make the sexes the same," and that just doesn't work in God's great design for the family.

II. Women and History

Historically speaking, women have often ended up with the short end of the stick in many societies. Let's take a look at the Bible for an example and to hear what Jesus had to say about it. (You can also read about this in James E. Talmage's Jesus the Christ.) You see, back when Moses was around, he gave the Hebrews what came to be known as "The Law of Moses." Of course this was obviously God's law transmitted through His prophet at the time, Moses. You can read about it in Genesis and Exodus in the Old Testament. As part of this law, also known as "The Lesser Law," men were allowed to put their women "away" with a bill of divorcement. This evolved into a pretty terrible situation for women. Men could divorce their wife for almost any reason, and women's status was reduced to be a slave to man. When Jesus Christ was on the earth He explained why interpreting that part of the law like was not only incorrect, but an embarrassment to the men of that day. Divorce was not a privilege, rather, God provided for divorce because of the "hardness of their hearts." What Christ tells them is that for a man to put away his wife for any reason other than fornication was wrong, and the two of them would be committing adultery were they to remarry.

In Jesus the Christ, Talmage shares the following commentary on why Jesus taught this to the Pharisees that were actively trying to silence Him from changing their preferred status quo.

"It swept away forever from His Society the conception of woman as a mere toy or slave of man, and based true relations of the sexes on the eternal foundation of truth, right, honor, and love. To ennoble the House and Family by raising woman to her true position was essential to the future stability of His Kingdom, as one of purity and spiritual worth. By making marriage indissoluble, He proclaimed the equal rights of woman and man within the limits of the family, and, in this, gave their charter of nobility to the mothers of the world."

quoting Life and Words of Christ

Of course, since not everyone listens to Jesus, the problem of women and their value and position in society being diminished or destroyed has continued to exist in societies throughout the history of the world. It is still rampant today as made evident by the mass creation and selling of pornography, widespread human trafficking and prostitution, and domestic violence.

How do we, as women elevate ourselves to the position Christ teaches? We must find nobility in motherhood and our inherent worth as a daughter of a Diving Being.

a. No More Girl on Girl Crime

While we're on the subject I am going to stand on my soapbox for a moment. Ladies, why are we fighting amongst ourselves? Shouldn't we all be on the same team? There are bad things in our society that disproportionately affect women. Why are we enabling those things?

We shouldn't call each other names. There are so many terrible names that are used against women these days, and we as women should eliminate them from our vocabulary. We need to recognize the power we actually hold. If we all call each other terrible names, then men think they can too.

We shouldn't be our own worst enemies. If a woman chooses to stay home and raise her family she is not setting the clock back fifty years on women's rights, and she is not brainless. We should count ourselves lucky if we have the opportunity to spend our days nurturing our children and teaching them the ways of righteousness. There is no higher calling anyone can have, so we should stop diminishing it.

If a woman works we shouldn't assume that she is a cold, unfeeling monster that doesn't care for her children, or that she never wants to have children or a family. The truth of the matter is, whether or not a married woman works should be a choice between herself, her spouse, and the Lord. It really isn't anybody else's business, so we should stop quietly judging people when we don't know their situation.

As women we are sisters. Isn't sisterhood a bond that can't be broken? Shouldn't we be watching out for each other? Imagine what would happen if we supported and encouraged each other instead of tearing each other down. Aren't there enough evil people in the world taking care of that? We don't need to do it to ourselves.

Let's hear what Bonnie L. Oscarson of the Young Women's General Presidency had to say about this.

The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another... The fact of the matter is, we really and truly need each other. Women naturally seek friendship, support, and companionship. We have so much to learn from one another, and we often let self-imposed barriers keep us from enjoying associations which could be among the greatest blessings in our lives... We must stop concentrating on our differences and look for what we have in common; then we can begin to realize our greatest potential and achieve the greatest good in this world.

Bonnie L. Oscarson, Sisterhood: Oh, How We Need Each Other

We can't make the world better if we are making ourselves the enemy. We must trade in our pride and learn to love and lift one another instead. That is the only way to end the true injustices that currently exist in our society.

III. Womanhood and Sisterhood are not Feminism

It is clear that recognizing the beauty and nobility of womanhood, and appreciating everyone else in our divine sisterhood does not mix with feminism.Why? The idea of feminism is inherently selfish. It comes back to the question of what do you see as inequality. Feminism strives to "level the playing field" by make men and women the same. Feminists don't want to rely on men for anything.

The problem with that is, we need men. We don't just need them to help us repopulate the species, we need men because men and women cannot progress without each other. We read in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Further on we read,

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

As women we cannot become something more if we see ourselves as individual little cells that focus only on our own personal desires. That is contrary to the plan of God. We come here in families, and build our own family when we are older because in the family we learn to put other's first. We learn all of those wonderful concepts listed in the Family Proclamation. I can only become better when I learn to lift others with me, and what better place to learn that than in a family, where man and woman (husband and wife) must be united.

Being kind to each other as women does not mean we need to create an enemy in men. Feminism always seeks to create an enemy because there must always be someone keeping us down. That enemy becomes the one that must be stamped out. We can't stamp out men, men and women need each other to build families, and to progress in this life. Marriage is a partnership, and each person brings their own qualities, life experiences, and divine attributes that we must use in order to strengthen each other, and strengthen our family in order to achieve true, eternal happiness.

Conclusion.

I think we, as women, have allowed the wicked designs of evil men define what equality should be. We have permitted the ones that have diminished our value to determine what we ought to become.We should be looking to the One who tells us all we can be; Jesus Christ gives us the direction necessary to become the best possible version of ourselves.We should also support one another, male and female, in that endeavor.

Womanhood is a blessed and divine calling. As women we should be strong and knowledgeable. We should be striving to grow in our knowledge of all things temporal and spiritual. We should share that knowledge with others. Our lives need to be classy as we do good things to help bring happiness into the lives of others.

There are many problems in the world that want to diminish the beauty of womanhood. We should be united in our fight against those problems, not supporting them under the guise of empowerment. We should teach girls and boys that women need men and men need women, and the best relationships are built upon mutual respect and trust. That is why I am not a feminist.

Tell Me on a Sunday: Letting Go of the Upper Hand

2015-01-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Human nature is a funny thing isn't it? I have noticed in relationships that I lean towards the side of carefully guarding everything about myself in order to avoid seeming vulnerable in any way.

I am certain that I am not the only one who does this. Although The Main Ingredient explained to us clearly in the 70's that everybody plays the fool sometimes, we still try to be the exception to the rule.

Lately I have been evaluating myself and how closely I guard emotions, experiences, and fears in order to not end up as the fool. I find myself coming back to this question: when is it good to keep the upper hand, and when is it better to trust and let go?

Can we walk through a few relationship samples for a minute?

1. The best relationship is the one we have with our Heavenly Father. Someone asked me a few days ago if I have ever been mad at God. I replied, "once, but it didn't go over very well." I feel our whole purpose in life is to learn that we can never have the upper hand with God. His thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways are not my ways. Yet, sometimes we still try. God tells us one thing and we don't want to do it so we fight against it until we get what we want and are completely miserable, or we give up and listen to Him and realize that He was right all along.

I never guard my emotions with Him. Its not like I could anyway since He already knows what I am thinking and feeling and fearing. When it comes to the upper hand, God wins, and I am okay with that. He is a whole heck of a lot smarter than me.

2. Next up are our relationships with our family members. This one can be tricky depending on who the family member is. As we grow up we often want to achieve the upper hand over our parents, but in the end we realize that they were usually right, and that even when they were wrong they always had our best interests at heart, so how can we fault them for that?

When I went away to college I kept many emotions and situations hidden away from my parents. They weren't there to see it and as far as I was concerned my parents were to be made to believe that everything in my life was always awesome. I might discuss politics with them, annoying students that drove me up a wall when I was their TA, but never ever ever were they to know things that made me profoundly sad, or were just awkward for me to talk about with them. I never once talked to my parents about any relationship I was in with a guy. I had a rule that I was to never talk about kissing, cuddling, or boyfriends with them. Although my sister always did, and now, of the two of us, she is the one that is married. Maybe her learning how to let go of that upper hand with my parents is what enabled her to give it up in other relationships. Who knows?

3. General friendships: This one is funny because I tend to be a little bipolar about it. On the one hand all humans over the age of 12 terrify me. The two words that would truly describe my personality are quiet introvert. Time and life experiences have taught me to play an outgoing extrovert when necessary. Why? Well although human interaction can be fairly stressful for me, I actually really love people. I find that it is generally pretty easy to find things to love about people. When I get to know a person there are so many interesting things about them to love. I really want them to love me too. However, since adults scare me, I generally tend to assume they won't, and have to find some way to keep the upper hand. I think with this one I have mostly found a good balance in order to navigate social settings. Once someone truly becomes my friend, the walls come down, and we can have wonderful open conversations about anything and everything, and I love that.

4. Dating: This is obviously the trickiest one of the bunch. I used to be more open, but learned to close myself off. In the dating game the rule seems to be that you never want to seem like the one that likes the other person more. For awhile there I didn't have to worry about it. I was in Vermont and there weren't many options, and anyway I decided I was serving a mission after law school, so it didn't matter. Handy excuse. That handy excuse is gone now. Vulnerability is an incredibly scary concept in dating relationships. Losing the upper hand in this situation means that you are opening yourself up to the possibility that the person you are conceding it to will turn around and completely reject you. Nobody likes that.

To me this is the concept upon which all relationships turn on. We either decide its worth it to let go of our fear and put it out there, regardless of whether we end up playing the fool or not; or we fight to keep the upper hand, and may eventually regret that, or be really glad we did. How do we decide when we give it up, and when we keep it?

It seems to me that it shouldn't be this way. We should just learn to be honest and real with the other person, and not worry about the upper hand. Dating shouldn't be a competition right? Vulnerability is a good thing, mostly. Or partially? What do you think? Is there any point in a relationship that we should be trying to gain the upper hand? Should we all stop caring about that and be vulnerable in all situations? Should we just accept that everybody plays the fool, or keep trying to be the exception to the rule?

Les Anges Dans Nos Compagnes

2014-12-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

Il y a tant des choses que je peux dire. Mais surtout je veux vous dire desolee. Sorry I never write, sorry I am a slacker.

I am not avoiding you, je vous promis! Maybe I'll get one of those new fangled personal computers for Christmas and then I wouldn't be subject to the millions of other people that live in this home using this computer all the time. Sinon, j'aurai besoin de l'acheter (un ordinateur je veux dire.)

It is Christmas break. My older brother came into town about a week and a half ago. With him here my auntly duties to care for his children has diminished, I can get out of the house more all by myself. Which is nice. Don't get me wrong, I love those tiny people more than life itself, but, you know, sometimes I just want to be alone. Or be in my car NOT listening to Katy Perry. (Although hearing Jayda belt out Roar is adorable.)

Mais bon. It is almost Christmas day. That is exciting. In some ways this year I have had many moments where I have just felt like this year is kind of a wash for Christmas. I said that to my mom and broke her heart though. I am not feeling like a Scrooge or anything, it's hard to explain.

Je ne veux pas etre comme ca. Alors, il faut changer. I don't want to be a negativity spreader, so I decided it was time for a blog post. I finally had a free computer and I also was feeling the urge to print off some chords for some songs I want to learn and now I have a hefty stack of music next to me.

I really want to learn this version of this song. Hands down the best God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen you will ever hear.

You really couldn't even argue with me on that. Because I am a lawyer, and you will lose.

Maybe on Christmas day I will post a post of me playing the ukulele and singing a Christmas song. Any requests. Le jour de Noel je vais jouer le ukulele et chanter. Vous pouvez me dire quelle chanson de Noel vous voulez avoir!

I honestly have so many blog posts in my head and I THINK about writing them for you wonderful people. So I am making a goal. I WILL blog at least once a month. I will certainly try to blog more often than that.

For now I want to share something with you. This would be testimony time. Ready?

The Christmas season can never be a wash because we are celebrating the greatest gift anyone has ever given. For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son. (John 3:16). How beautiful is that? I keep reflecting on Christmas last year. I wasn't home and missed my family, but I was in a religious background and spent all of Christmas time thinking about the only part of Christmas that truly matters. The birth of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know we had to leave our Heavenly Father's presence to come here, gain a body and progress. I know that opposition is necessary to that plan. I know that nobody is perfect. I know that our Heavenly Father's greatest desire is that we return to live with Him again. I know that will bring all of us the greatest happiness. I know that imperfection and sin are barriers to that. I know the only way to overcome those barriers is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am so incredibly thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who created a perfect plan for each of us to succeed. I am thankful for a loving Older Brother who was willing to make a huge sacrifice for me.

Here are some verses on the subject:

And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Alma 7:10-12

I love my Savior and I love you, my blog readers. Merry Christmas!

Ok, maintenant en français. Pour Noel on fête le plus grand cadeau que le monde a reçu. Car Dieu a tant aimé le monde qu'il a donné son Fils unique, afin que quiconque croit en lui ne périsse point, mais qu'il ait la vie éternelle. (Jean 3:16) C'est si beau n'est-ce pas?

Je pense toujours sur l’année dernière. C'était carrément différent parce que je pensais que sur pourquoi on doit fêter vraiment Noel. La naissance de mon Rédempteur Jésus-Christ. Je sais qu'il fallait qu'on a quitte notre Père Céleste pour venir ici. Je sais que il faut avoir opposition en tout choses. Je sais que personne est parfait. Je sais que le seule vrai désire de notre Père céleste est pour nous de retourner vivre avec Lui. C'est le seule façon d'avoir le vrai bonheur. Mais, on est tous imparfait, est il y a toujours le péché. Le seule façon de surmonter ces obstacles est dans et par l'Expiation de Jésus-Christ. Je suis reconnaissant pour un Père céleste aimant, qui a créé un plan parfait pour mon bonheur. Je suis reconnaissant pour un Frère Aîné aimant qui a donne sa vie pour moi.

Voici, quelques versets:

Et voici, il naîtra de Marie, à Jérusalem, qui est le pays de nos ancêtres; elle-même sera vierge, vase précieux et élu, qui sera couverte de l’ombre du Saint-Esprit et concevra par son pouvoir, et enfantera un Fils, oui, le Fils de Dieu.

Et il ira, subissant des souffrances, et des afflictions, et des tentations de toute espèce; et cela, afin que s’accomplisse la parole qui dit qu’il prendra sur lui les souffrances et les maladies de son peuple.

Et il prendra sur lui la mort, afin de détacher les liens de la mort qui lient son peuple; et il prendra sur lui ses infirmités, afin que ses entrailles soient remplies de miséricorde, selon la chair, afin qu’il sache, selon la chair, comment secourir son peuple selon ses infirmités.

Alma 7:10-12

J'aime mon Sauveur, et je vous aime tous mes amis. Joyeux Noel!

Va ici.

Don't forget to tell me what Christmas song you want!

N'oubliez pas me dire quelle chanson de Noel que vous voulez avoir!

Be Ye Therefore Converted

2014-11-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

Desolee mes amis! I have every intention of blogging more often and telling you all about my mission, the new Phoenix temple, things I am baking, and many other things. Life just gets away from me. It is also hard being computerless. I have to share my family computer, which has many people that want to use it. The second I get on my nieces and nephews are right there, wanting to play their online learning games. 3 year olds don't really care about my need to apply for jobs.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about all the reasons I went on a mission. So many people ask me, "why did you go? What was it like? How does that work? What is the biggest thing you learned?" So, I want to write this blog post to respond to that.

This last Saturday I was teaching one of my piano students who was frustrated by a new song I had given her. This girl reminds me of me. How I was for most of my life, and how I still am, sort of. She is one of my better students. She works hard and practices. Yet, she is a perfectionist. I have been there. For most of my life I was battling me. I always needed to do everything I did perfectly, or I didn't want to do it at all. I don't like making mistakes. Whenever people ask for a "most embarrassing moment" I never know what to say because the only moments I can think of are, "I got a 96% on my French test," and the like.

I spent so many years being in competition with myself. I had to be first flute, because if I wasn't that meant someone else played better that me, which meant I messed up, which meant I was a horrible person. Waking up each morning I dreaded school. What if I had forgotten to do some homework and didn't realize it until the teacher called me out? What if they taught something that I didn't understand right away? What if I NEVER understood it? What if other students understood it better?

Then of course there was the fear of, I am not smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, fast enough... I am not enough. I felt like I heard that God loved me and I figured He must because each morning I would wake up imperfect and He didn't kill me. He let me go another day trying, although I always failed Him so each night He debated whether He was going to give me another chance. I would beg for it in my prayers. God was more of a frustrated impatient being. He tells me to do stuff and I don't do it, and He is mad at me because He sent His Son to suffer for me, and I sure made Him suffer, a LOT. God should hate me. I hated me.

I don't know why my brain did things this way. I really don't know where it came from. I didn't grow up in a crappy home life with parents who never said they loved me. My parents always told me they loved me, always said they were proud of me.They taught me that God is loving. I just believed they saw me in the same way He did. I was an annoyance, but since they made me they had to be nice to me.

Sometime in college I realized that I was miserable and making myself crazy. I put myself through years of unnecessary stress and unhappiness. I suffered through an eating disorder and never really talked about it to anyone. I just convinced myself I was being healthy. So I started going to see a counselor. BYU has this great thing were students can see a licensed professional for free. It still took me time to get there because I felt guilty about it. Despite all the pressure I put on myself I had never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never looked at porn, never tried to kill myself. How dare I take time away from someone else with real serious problems just because I am a big cry baby that can't just get her life together?

Finally I went. It helped so much. It helped me change my perspective on many things and I started to see that God's love for me was not contingent on my being the best at everything.

It is something I still battle with. Much of this is what culminated in my deciding to serve a mission. By the time I decided to go things were much much better. However, I still had this idea in my head that I should go to make up for everything I had done to God in the first place. Like somehow He would love me more.

See, I told you I still battle this.

Going on a mission consists of filling out mission papers. You have to talk about your health history (physical and mental) and go see a doctor and a dentist. This is because missions are hard. They are physically and mentally exhausting. If you can't handle being on your feet all day, or talking to complete strangers, and having them be incredibly rude to you just because you believe in Jesus Christ, then they want to know these things.

Once you fill out all the paperwork you have an interview with your bishop. He is the leader of a Mormon congregation, called a ward. He has the stewardship to determine someone's worthiness to go on a mission. You have to be living certain standards. Then you have an interview with your Stake President. A Stake President is a leader of several wards in an area, that come together into what is called a stake. Then they also recommend you for mission service. All of that paperwork and recommendation is then mailed to the church offices.

Then church leaders take all that paperwork and look at it. Then they go into the temple (a very sacred holy building for us that you can read about by clicking on that link) and pray about where the person should be sent. Then God, our Heavenly Father tells them. Then they mail that information to the candidate. You get a big white envelope in the mail and you open it and it tells you where you are serving, what language you will be speaking, and when you report.

I did that, as you know, and was called to the France Lyon mission. I cannot tell you how much I am grateful for the experience of my mission. I loved it so much. I met amazing wonderful people. I taught the gospel, I gained a deeper understanding of basic gospel principles and strengthened my own personal testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I told so many people about a young man named Joseph Smith who had a question, and saw God and Jesus Christ and got his answer. I invited so many of them to read this wonderful book and ask God for themselves if it were true.

I prayed harder than I ever had and had incredible, indescribable spiritual experiences and was filled with so much love for people I hardly knew.

And you know what I realized? I never understood how MUCH my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much. When I was torturing myself over my flaws and imperfections He was crying right there with me. He was encircling me in His arms and trying to tell me not to worry so much about it. He willingly sent His Son Jesus Christ to the earth to be my Savior. It was a choice Christ made and accepted because He loves me. It was in the plan all along for me to be imperfect.

I never understood then as I do now that our Heavenly Father's love is intensely real, and far deeper than we could ever realize. He wants us all to succeed in life, but He knows failure teaches us things. I wasn't letting it teach me in the right way before. His patience and love have lifted me up higher than I ever thought possible. His love is so real and it is always there, whether we accept it or not.

I am His daughter. He loves me. I can't say it enough, because I really did not know or understand it well beforehand. Heavenly Father loves me and wants to just give me things that will make me happy. He is guiding me and protecting me, and I am doing much better than I give myself credit for.

This makes me want to speak kinder, be kinder, and be more patient. I want to find the happiness and goodness, and not let the small things get me down. God LOVES me. I am so awesome.

For anyone who is a member and is debating about serving a mission, please go! Don't let anything hold you back! It will change you.

If you aren't a member and you aren't sure of God's love or His existence, He is REAL and so is His love! Never doubt that. Check this out to find out more.

If you already believe in God and feel pretty confident in His love for you, that is awesome! Please read this and consider it an invitation from me, your loving friend. Your relationship with your Heavenly Father can continue to grow!

My mission was the best. Every missionary says that, because it is true. You learn to rely on your Heavenly Father and strengthen your relationship with Him. There is no going back to who I once was. I am not perfect, and that is okay.

La rentree

2014-09-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

C'est carrement difficile pour moi d'exprimer mes sentiments sur les derniers 18 mois. Comment puis-je commencer? Je ne sais pas.

I can't decide how to do this blog post. I have been home for three weeks. Sometimes I look down and go, "holy crap! Where is my plaque!" Then I remember I don't wear one anymore. Sometimes I am in the store with someone and they go down a different aisle while I am looking at something and I stop and follow them since I can't be alone... but I can. Sometimes people call me by my first name and my heart twists a little. You can't call me that! But they can.

Coming home from a mission is just wonderful and terrible all at the same time. You are figuring out your next step, ("where am I going to find a job?") you are trying to speak in English, but you don't want to stop thinking in French because you don't want to lose it. You are happy to be with your family, but you just want to go back to France and teach people the gospel.

So yes, it is an adjustment. Its funny when you are leaving though. You know it isn't the place you belong anymore. I committed to the Lord that I would spend 18 months in France, sharing the gospel with His children there. I did that. I gave it everything I had. Some days were not perfect. I didn't always say the right thing, especially not in French. But I loved every minute of it. Now it is done and it is time for me to go home and do other things. Would you like to see a few pictures of some people I really love? Good, cause here they are.

There is more. There is so so so so so much more. If I could write every single day of my mission on here... well sometimes you'd be bored I'll admit. I think, however, there would never be enough space for me to describe what I learned, and who I hope I became, and what I am still trying to become. So I'll try to share some of that here. Explain why I went. Show some pictures of where I went. Talk about people I met, things I learned, things I taught, and maybe even have it all make sense to you.

I have missed you my blog friends. Renny is back. Let the beautiful thoughts begin! Avec beaucoup plus de français cette fois-ci! Il le faut!

Somewhere Only We Know

2013-02-15T16:56:00.001-07:00

This is officially it my dears. The last pre mission post. Yesterday my grandma, two aunts, and an uncle came into town. Today was my last day at work and I was given presents and cake. Tomorrow is the party at my parent's house. Sunday I get set apart as a missionary. Sometime this weekend I have to pack. Monday we leave for Utah. Wednesday at 1:30 PM I enter into the MTC.

You know what is crazy? I am not freaking out about this at all. That is very unlike me. You know how I was the last time I went to France. I sat on the plane thinking, "turn around, turn around. TURN. THE PLANE. AROUND!" This time I'm like, "yeah... I'm going." It is so nice to know that someone else is taking care of the travel details for me. Unless this is an "Other Side of Heaven" situation and I have to sit in a make shift storage prison because nobody is there to get me and the French didn't know I was coming. Oh well, at least I'll have my trumpet to keep me company... oh, wait.

Anyway. Here it is, the address. I know how terrible I was about writing all of my friends whilst they were missioning. Once each I believe. So, if that is all you can muster in the next 18 months I'll understand. I would LOVE to hear from you though. There is nothing better than letters in the mail. I will respond if you write me.

So, while I am in the MTC (about six weeks) my address will be:

Sister Lindsey Marie Reynolds
MTC Mailbox # 228
FRA-LYON 0402
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793

Then when I am in France it will be:

Sister Lindsey Marie Reynolds
France Lyon Mission
Lyon Business Centre
59 rue de l'Abondance
69003 Lyon
France

my email address is: lindsey.reynolds@myldsmail.net

I don't know what my email rules will be yet, so if you email me leave you address in the email and if I can't respond electronically I'll write you back.

So I leave you with a Chanson de Mission and tell you I love you, and thanks for reading. I'll see you when I get back, because you better believe I'll be mission blogging like there is no tomorrow come August of next year.

The Lamp is Growing Dim

2013-02-10T21:33:00.002-07:00

We're in the final countdown here my friends. I spoke in church today, my "farewell" talk if you will. I ended up getting a little teary eyed while speaking, something I don't like to do and usually don't do. Today I was overwhelmed by the people that came to see me, people I hadn't seen in a while, and a few people I really wasn't expecting to see at all. It was so lovely.

The only sad part of the day was that I arrived at the church early to practice the song my sister and sister in law would be singing. I was opening up the piano and the top part snapped down on one of the buttons on my sweater and it broke into a million pieces and shot everywhere. Now my cute turquoise cardigan is missing a button, and I don't know where the spare is. :( I must find a new button before I leave.

This Saturday we are having an open house with lots of delicious french foods (no escargots I promise.) If you're in the Phoenix area I'd love it if you could stop by. Then Monday its the drive up to Utah, Wednesday the 20th I report to the MTC at 1:30 PM. Then for the next 18th months I'll be doing nothing but missionary work. I have mixed emotions getting this close, but I suppose that is typical for every time one thing in your life ends and a new thing begins.

As frustrating as my job can be I am sad its ending. I like the teachers and the other aid in the classroom I'm in. Those kids drive me up a wall most of the time, but I still love them. I've seen how hard some of them have it and my heart aches for them, and I wish I could stay with them. Most especially the kid I am a one on one with. It has been a tough road to get him to participate in class and not throw so many tantrums or hold on to things that upset him. Now he feels like he has friends and my favorite part of the day is when he looks at me with his eyes wide open and says, "Miss Reynolds guess what!" Then he proceeds to tell me about some cool, exciting thing he did, or saw, or made, or received as a gift. I don't want him to feel I am abandoning him, but I really have no idea how he will perceive it at all. I love him too and want him to be happy and successful in life. I'll have to check in on him after the mission.

The weird thing about missions is that life keeps moving forward but there are parts you kind of have to miss for awhile. For example, my sister in law is pregnant and having a baby boy in May. Normally, if I were in college and this were to happen I could maybe fly home for a visit, or at the very least call and video chat to see him and talk to family and take part in the celebration. This time I'll be in France, and can maybe get an email with a photo, and that is that. When I think about things like that I become truly grateful that I am part of an eternal family. I may miss the birth, but we have forever to get to know each other, and we can start as soon as I get back!

Well I will hopefully get one more post done before I leave (with my address so you lovely people can write/ email me!) After that it will be bien tôt for this blog of mine until sometime in late 2014. Please write! I'd love to tell you all about my missionary experiences :)

Pretzel Time

2013-01-27T20:01:00.002-07:00

I have a confession guys. When I first joined Pinterest I was rarely on the site. I was busy, didn't have time for more social networking, I never thought about it, etc.

Ever since I started my job I've becoming a Pinterest maniac. Our kids have computer lab every day. They have to work on SuccessMaker, a program designed to improve their reading and math scores on the ultimate indicator of whether one will be successful in life: standardized tests.

Because working with kids to make them successful by helping them with concepts they have not yet mastered is taboo, we are not allowed to help them while they work on said program. Therefore, we have a lot of time to sit in the lab, and be on Pinterest. I often start pinning things involving my current food craving.

All of this pinning led to me making pretzels today. They were delicious friends. Also, not hard to make.

I followed the recipe exactly. No substituting ingredients, no experimenting with ratios or trying to make them gluten free, safe for diabetics, or healthier for myself. I just followed a recipe that was developed from someone ELSE'S trial and error and enjoyed the fruits of their labor.

So, feeling the need for some pretzels? Use this recipe, you will not regret it.

We Could Do More Than Just Dream

2013-01-21T20:33:00.001-07:00

Happy Martin Luther King Junior Birthday Observance Day today guys. For the first time since 2008 I took part in a family tradition of heading up to Flagstaff and playing in the snow. We took the tiny people with us. They are ridiculously cute. It was good times. After the mission I am definitely going to have to move to Flagstaff. Coconino County here I come! Soon...

Anyway, in other news, here is a video for y'all to watch.

Just in case you didn't catch it, Stephen Christian wrote this song after listening to a radio show about the life of MLK, Jr.

Remember to always judge people by the content of their character. I think people always kind of forget that part of his dream. Content of character counts.

Merry Christmas, War is Over?

2013-01-01T10:51:00.001-07:00

The title of this post is ridiculous, but I was at a loss for words.

It is 2013 everyone. Who else finds this a little surprising? No, not because of the whole Mayan calendar thing, that was silly. I just remember when it became the year 2000 and it didn't seem possible that we would move so far beyond that as to be in the teens! That was thirteen years ago! Where has the time gone?

I've already looked back at 2012. It was a full and wonderful year for me. I think 2013 will be even more so. After all, In a mere 50 days I'll be entering the Provo MTC. Six weeks later I'll be in Lyon, France, or somewhere else in southern France/ western Switzerland/Corsica. There I will stay for the rest of this year and most of next year. Crazy. My life is crazy. Crazy awesome.

The slight bummer about today, besides this persistent cold, is that my sister +Alicia Reynolds and brother in law +adrian Maruri left this morning to head back to Provo. My sister is a teacher at a school in Utah and they start classes on Thursday. Who starts classes on a Thursday?? So dumb.

Anyway, I don't have much time left before I'll no longer be able to blog (no blogging on the mission, sorry) so I feel like I should share things that are exciting, interesting, wonderful, profound, or at least crafty and delicious...

Nothing is coming to mind right now. So happy new year everyone. Find adventure in 2013. Be willing to share more love, don't be afraid to open your mouth and speak for goodness, and try at least one new thing each month.

Maybe I'll make pain au chocolat and share that with you, I have been craving some...

Untitled

2012-12-15T15:04:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days when I was reminded why I went to law school.

This last October when my church had it's General Conference Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave this talk on protecting children. I just sat there the entire time thinking, "yes. So much yes!"

I have this little blog, for anyone to see. I don't know who will come across this spot and read it. I don't know if it'll be someone who lives in Connecticut, or some one who is just struggling to come to grips with the idea that we live in a world where someone would walk into an elementary school and start shooting innocent children.

Yesterday I hugged my nieces and nephew a little tighter and told them I love them a little more.

I can do so very little for people on the other side of the country whose hearts are broken. Christmas is coming, this should be a time of happiness and love.

Just in case you've happened upon here today, in whatever mood you may be in, I want you to know that whether you were directly affected yesterday or not, you are not alone. So many people around the world are remembering you in their prayers.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This means I am a Mormon. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that families can be together forever, and I believe that death is not the end. I believe that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is just and merciful. I believe He does not infringe upon our agency, but all of our actions have consequences, whether we suffer them in this life or in the life to come the Lord will always do what is just and fair for His children. I also believe that little children are perfect, and cannot sin. The following scriptures are from the Book of Mormon, and they have brought me a lot of comfort over the last day. I hope they will do the same for you. These are from the book Moroni, chapter 8. The verses are the numbers next to them.

8 Listen to the words of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them;

12 But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons;

17 And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakersof salvation.

18 For I know that God is not a partial God, neither a changeable being; but he is unchangeable from all eternity to all eternity.

I feel a lot of love for people I've never met. It comes from that deep instinct inside of me that reminds me that we are all brothers and sisters. I'll end this by saying whoever you are I love you very much. We come from the same family and we are children of the same God and I love you. I hope you feel that, and I hope that makes you feel a little bit better.

Christmas Card

2012-12-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

I found out I have had three people from Poland look at my blog. Please come back! Unless you are the people who have been spamming me. Then go away.

I just took this picture for our family Christmas card. Everyone has to hold a letter of our last name in the picture. I am 'N.' Hence the letter. Anyway, here is a brief Christmas letter update on my life. In case my blog in general was insufficient for you to know.

Lets do a one thing a month thing okay?

January: I found myself back in Vermont ready to start my last semester of law school. I lived in a little apartment right across the street from the school. It was ideal, except there was no counter space.

February: I believe it was February when I was finally able to get to Middlebury Vermont and visit my friend Kathy and take a tour of Middlebury. I liked Middlebury. Go visit. I also like Kathy. I won't invite you to her house though, because that is rude.

March: I spent my spring break in Utah visiting my sister Alicia. I threw her a bridal shower and studied for the MPRE, which I then took the Saturday before I left at BYU. I also got to see lots of lovely people that I haven't had the chance to see since then.

April: I finished up all of my law classes and flew home to see my sister Alicia get married. It was great to spend a weekend at home with my family, especially for such a happy occasion. My sister's freshman year roommate Jenessa came and I hadn't seen her in a few years so that was nice. Also, my cousin Tara came to be the photographer and I finally got to meet her husband and her adorable son!

May: I graduated!! Wahoo! My parents and little brother came for my graduation and we saw lots of Vermont-y things and bought maple syrup and hung out with the Lyddys in Vermont and MA. I also said good-bye to Vermont and moved back to Arizona. Also, I almost got caught in a tornado in Oklahoma City, which was one of the most terrifying experiences of my entire life.

June: I studied for the bar and only cried about it sometimes. Plus I showered almost every day!

July: I took the bar and only cried about it a little bit. When I was done. In my car. On the second day. Then I went to California for my Aunt Sandi's funeral. Although the reason for going there was not a happy one, it was nice to see family, especially my grandma, whom I hadn't seen since... well, April. I love my grandma yo. I like to see her.

August: There was my Grandma Reynolds's funeral, which brought more family time, including my Aunt Ellen and my cousins whom I hadn't seen for awhile since they live in not Arizona. Lets see, I started doing mission paper stuff.

September: More mission stuff. It took me a long time guys. Sorry.

October: I found out I passed the Arizona bar exam. I cried. Deal with it. Plus it was my birthday and I turned 27. Also I started working at Arroyo Elementary School. Then I got my mission call to Lyon France. Man October, you are such a great month.

November: I enjoyed a nice quiet Thanksgiving at home with the family. I also saw "Junie B. Jones Jingle Bells Batman Smells, and So Does May." It was cute.

December: Well there have only been 12 days in December. I went to Glendale Glitters. It was kind of lame. I went to Desert Ridge so my nieces and nephew could play in the snow and meet Clifford. That was also a little bit lame... but I am going to the midnight showing of The Hobbit tomorrow, so there is that. Plus my sister and brother- in- law will be here next week. NO WORK UNTIL JANUARY! Hazzah!!

That is my year in a nutshell. It was a great year. Some sad times, lots of happy times. All in all I'm pleased with 2012. So... bring it Mayans!

Christmastime is Here

2012-12-09T21:38:00.000-07:00

Life is flying by fast guys. I can't believe that in a mere matter of weeks it is going to be Christmas.

My job is going as well as can be I suppose. Did I ever tell you I got a job? I work at an elementary school. It is pretty much adventure time all the time.

Things around here have been pretty crazy, we finally got the house all decorated for Christmas yesterday. This year for the church Christmas business I've had to pull out my flute, which I haven't played since 2010. I've had my flute for about 12 years now, so it really needs to be fixed. It makes me sad to have to mess with it as much as I do to keep it in tune. My plan this week is to see what I can get done on it just this week, in time for the 23rd, the Sunday before Christmas. I had to play it tonight for a stake fireside, it was... interesting.

Anyway, now my sister and I are reveling in the joy of the ABC Family original musical "The Mistle-Tones." Tia Mowry guys, you know, the pretty one. She is singing with Tori Spelling, you know, the girl that only gets to be famous because her dad is Aaron Spelling and basically made all of the shows.

It has been on for thirty minutes and comments such as, "this acting is almost as good as a Lifetime movie," have already happened. The main interest guy is cute though, and Tia has a good voice. I'm a sucker for a musical, even a musical I will mock the entire time. Ah, Christmas joys.

So this post was pointless. Merry Christmas y'all. I'll try and post another recipe post before the year is out.

Recipe Time: Pumpkin Chili

2012-11-11T20:26:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time since I have posted a recipe type thing for you lovely people. Which is really too bad because I have made my delicious fajitas a few times in the last couple months.

Now with the fall all around us and the pumpkin wonderment that it brings, it seems a little ridiculous that I, the girl that throws pumpkins a party every year, doesn't have a single pumpkin recipe on this here blog. Especially considering the fact that every time I make anything at all I think, "hmmm... this would be delicious with pumpkin in it."

Well we've had a big bowl of pumpkin sitting in our refrigerator and so I decided it was high time for a pumpkin weekend. This weekend the temperatures dropped from the 80s to the 60s, it was finally fall in Phoenix! I made these delicious pumpkin snickerdoodles (thank you Pinterest!) and I made my amazing pumpkin chili for dinner last night. I also found the Coffee Mate Pumpkin Spice Creamer for my hot chocolate, so the pumpkin was on.

I first made this chili for our church Trunk or Treat, but I needed to make it again because I was left trapped in a fortune teller's booth all night and didn't get to sample much chili at the party.

Again I don't have many measurements, sorry about that!

2 lbs turkey meat (I used 99% fat free)
3 cans white beans (I wanted to try it with kidney beans this time but we didn't have any. Try it with kidney or black beans and let me know how it tastes!)
1 can Rotel (the first time I used original, this time I used mild. Use whichever you'd like!)
one white onion (I didn't use the whole thing. I used about 1/2. Onion it up if you'd like.)
chili powder
cumin
garlic
salt
black pepper
pumpkin! (Perhaps about 22 oz??)

Cook the turkey in a pan with the white onion. Cook with seasoning (chili powder, cumin, garlic, salt, black pepper). I always put in a little olive oil for those good old healthy fats. In a crock pot add the pumpkin, Rotel, and the beans, rinsed and drained. Add seasoning (chili powder, cumin, garlic, salt, black pepper). Stir together. Add in cooked turkey. Stir together. Cook on low for three hours. I topped with cheese and made some delicious corn bread to go with.

The chili is very filling so don't fill your bowl too full! It still tastes good the next day when you heat it up after church. You'll want to save room for some pumpkin snickerdoodles and some pumpkin spice hot chocolate for dessert.

I didn't take pictures of the chili, because I think chili looks like throw up. Nobody would look at a picture of throw up and say, "mmm lets eat that!" So, here is a picture of the amazing snickerdoodles, which are seriously the most moist, delicious 'doodles I've ever had. I used half whole wheat flour in mine. So good!!

Wherein I Get Called on a Mission... Finally

2012-11-02T20:25:00.001-07:00

Lets roll the clock back a few years, to 2006. As you may or may not know, I spent spring semester in HI as a visiting student. It was a time that can only be described as... Awesome. So very awesome.

Also, I was there a few months before my 21st birthday. Up until very recently, the age for Mormon girls to serve missions was 21 (it was just lowered to 19. Which I think is a great idea.) Anyway, I had never given a thought to serving a mission while I was growing up. I don't really know why. My grandmother served a mission in her 70s, some of my young women leaders had served missions and talked about them. I always wanted to travel and go to France, but I don't know, I never thought about serving a mission, I didn't really want to. Then, while in Hawaii just a few short months before my 21st birthday it was on my mind a lot. What ABOUT serving a mission? Do I want to? Should I? Could I? Do I want to? Needless to say, a whole lot of praying ensued... but the feeling I kept getting was, "........." yeah, mostly it felt like nothing. I wondered, "what does this MEAN?!?!?!" Then I decided that the Lord probably felt that either way my decision would be a good one. So I really thought about it, did I WANT to go on a mission? The answer right then was, "no... not right now." I wanted to finish school first. By then I'd be 22 and I decided I'd revisit the question then.

Fast forward to December of 2007. I graduated and moved back home, and I'm pretty sure that at some point between Hawaii and that happening someone took my head of and put it back on upside down. I was a wreck guys. A total wreck. About life in general. When I thought about going on a mission, getting a job, or when the heck I was going to retake the LSAT and apply to law school I generally ended up breaking down into tears. This was a phenomenally awesome time in my life... Anyway, I ended up back in Provo after a few lost months, I got a job, moved in with some awesome ladies and generally was much happier than I had been previously. I retook the LSAT. I applied to law school. I decided to go to Vermont. I decided to try and get into BYU. I got my heartbroken and went to Vermont. I started law school. Then, my summer after my first year I went to Yakima, WA. For some reason I found myself once again thinking about a mission, and wishing I had gone after graduation. One night the Relief Society had a meeting wherein they talked about missionary work. It was that night that I thought about the insanity of serving a mission at the "ancient" age of 26 or 27, with massive amounts of debt, and a law degree... and knowing that I really wanted to. I wrote it down. So I wouldn't forget. That night in my prayers I essentially said, "now I want to. I really want to, but the only way this can happen is if You help me. So, if You want me to go, I know You'll make it work out."

Underlying all of this was the aching pulse of wanting to go to France, and never getting to. Then I finally was able to. After France I started taking steps for missionary stuff, and all of my financial issues have worked out for the best. So I came home, and took the bar. Then I felt sad all of the time. I have felt like I'm waiting for my life to begin, and it isn't moving anywhere, and maybe moving backwards a little bit.

Today my mission call finally came. It felt like it took forever to get here (partially because it did). I was nervous to open it. I didn't know why. I had really honestly tried not to think about places I "really" wanted to go. I just wanted to know WHERE and WHEN, even if it was the Provo, Utah English speaking mission. People need the gospel there too. After all the waiting and waiting I was going to know. All of my wishing I had gone earlier, wishing I had done so many things differently, and here was this envelope. So, with a goodly amount of family around me, including my sister on Google hangouts, I opened it up. To find out that I have been called to serve in the France Lyon mission.

I don't know why but I have felt great relief wash over me. I tried not to hope I'd get called to France because I seriously did not want to open my call and feel any disappointment. I wanted to just go where He wants me to go. Maybe relief isn't the right word. Its more like I just know that the Lord is the one who decided where I need to go. He wants me in Lyon, of all the places I could go, that I would go to willingly, that is where I am going. I am so happy. I feel a kind of peace I haven't felt in many months.

All my twists and turns in life have brought me here. I went to law school. I took the bar. I passed. I went to France. Now I am going on a mission. My life is like a bucket of awesomeness, and although not all as I planned, so amazing.

So, would you like to know more about what it is I'm so excited about? Click here.

Wherein I Turn 27 and other Shenanigans.

2012-10-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

The end of October is always a sprint into November for me. Which is too bad because I love October, best month ever.

This month I started a new job, put in my mission papers, had another pumpkin party, celebrated two sister's birthdays as well as a sister in law. I need to make some chili for my ward's trunk or treat tomorrow, and I am endlessly waiting for my mission call to come... seriously, its a little ridiculous.

For the pumpkin party I tried my hand at macarons again. Yes, I made pumpkin macarons. I was nervous about the recipe because I sort of added things on my own, without consulting a French person... but I trusted in the pumpkin, and the pumpkin did not let me down. Seriously France, eat more pumpkin because they were delicious.

So, here are photos for y'all.

I made pumpkin graham crackers for the s'mores at the party. They turned out delicious.

Fire for said s'mores.

All three of my bros, enjoying pumpkin deliciousness.

Jessica, Neomi, Korina, and Shyanne love pumpkins and fires.

The pumpkin cheesecake that my mommy made for me.

The table without the flash and the candles lit.

We took the kids to a pumpkin "patch" at this church in Scottsdale and they had a few photo opportunities. (P.S. When you post photos in a large bunch they don't show up in order, and I don't feel like rearranging them.)

Pumpkin goodies.

My pumpkin. It is a kitty bat.

Group photo at the patch.

They all got a tiny pumpkin to take home. Oh and candy, hence the stick in Shyanne's mouth.

The backyard station at the pumpkin party.

Cute little cactus and pumpkin.

I just enjoy this picture. Cute little weirdos.

This picture cracks me up. Plus I think she looks a little like a vampire and you know, it's almost Halloween.

Seriously, this baby is ridiculously cute. Now, whenever you say, "say cheese!" She makes this face in response.

In other news I've considered another political post, but the idea of it exhausts me, so it probably won't happen. You can all breathe a sigh of relief. Except all this stuff with Libya makes me sick. Four people are dead. They shouldn't be. Just sick to my stomach. Okay soapbox is put away now. I've told you who I'm voting for and I just hope that no matter what you will educate yourself on the candidates and vote. Please vote.

Happy October!

Happiness is...

2012-10-12T22:21:00.002-07:00

When I was about 12 years old I decided I wanted to be a lawyer. Something like that sounded as fantastic to me as other kids dreaming of becoming Superman, after all I didn't know any lawyers, so it must not happen very often.

When I went to college my objective was to get awesome grades and rock the LSAT so I could go to an amazing law school. There were some twists and turns along the way but eventually I ended up at Vermont Law School in August of 2009.

Here on this blog I have documented some of the exhaustion, late nights, stress, tears, grades and life that made up the last three years of my life.

I cannot tell you how hard law school was. Unless you went through it, you'll never know. It was hard. Studying for the bar was hard. Taking the bar was hard.

Last night I had a nightmare that I got a letter in the mail telling me I failed the Arizona State Bar Exam.

All of this is to tell you that the results were posted today and I passed. All I can say is Thanks be to God for getting me through this. I could not have done it without Him. This epic film also featured many other wonderful people that cheered me on and helped me. These people are including but not limited to mes parents, Jackie Watanabe, The Francis fam, the other folks that toughed out law school with me, and my brother Tyler and his wife Jessica.

Thanks team, couldn't have done it without you.

Who Knows Where the Road Will Lead Us?

2012-10-01T14:26:00.002-07:00

Part 1 in a series of parts. This post presents a basic overview of subjects I'd like to discuss.

Well, since it is now October I figured its high time I get all political up in here. There is only a month left for people to decide who they want to vote for next month.

Normally I try to avoid politics, mostly because I think, "who cares what I think? Nobody, that's who."

That is probably true, but the fact is that I have never cared more about who gets elected president this November. The past few elections I've been somewhat passive, I didn't like either major party candidate, so I voted for a third party I knew wouldn't win, but knew I had to vote for what I thought was right, and moved on. This is the first time I want someone from a major party to win, and so, my guy has a fighting chance. Thus I feel the need to voice my opinion, just in case anyone is still wondering, and might, for some reason, care what I think. Or maybe you just feel like one person's opinion would help you know where to start when it comes to making your own decision at the ballot next month.

So, guys, I'm voting for Mitt Romney. It wasn't an easy road that led me here, when he ran in 2008 I wasn't a huge fan, although I would have preferred him to John McCain... but I didn't pick him in the primaries (I am a registered republican, FYI.) So, why Mitt? Well let me tell you.

The first time I ever heard of Mitt Romney was in 2002 when the Olympics were held in Salt Lake City. All I really knew was that they were going to go bankrupt and perhaps lose the winter games but they called Mitt and said "help us!" and he saved the Olympics with his business saavy. Fast forward to 2008 and I see him on the T.V. running for president and I think, "hey, its the Olympics guy!" I watched him in debates and learned a little about him. There was nothing in his career that wouldn't recommend him to me, but for some reason, I just didn't love him, in fact something about him sort of bothered me. I suppose this is a theme we've heard during this campaign time and again, Mitt isn't relatable and whatnot. I guess that was it for me last time, "this guy would probably do a good job, but... I don't know, I just like Ron Paul better." Ron Paul didn't get the vote to run, I didn't like McCain and didn't care for Obama, so I sought out third party candidates and voted for Bob Barr, the libertarian hopeful. Bob didn't win, Barack did, and here we are four years later.

What happened in those four years? Barack Obama proved himself to me to be a terrible, and somewhat scary, person to have as president. I listened to his speeches four years ago and while I didn't agree with a lot of his politics (I am and always will be against big government) I figured things probably wouldn't change much with him in office. Disenchanted with the status quo I thought, "oh who cares if he wins? Things will keep going as they have been and in four years we'll do it all again."

Wow, was I wrong. First of all, I don't like Obamacare. The problem in this country is not our healthcare system, its our health insurance system. Spin the words so "without health insurance" means "you will die!" and people think that those five people on the Supreme Court that upheld the law saved the lives of the 40 million without insurance. Lies guys. All lies. I have a real problem with a government that mandates anything for me. All our government has been doing over the last 60 years is adding mandate upon mandate, and nobody is more mandate-y than Barack and his little wife, whom I cannot stand and I swear if I see her on one more hit TV show I'm going to throw the set out the window.

Don't tell me I can't buy soda! Don't villanize a fast food conglomorate that has created jobs for I don't even know how many people! Don't lock up infant formula in hospitals because you want to force women to breast feed! How are we okay with all of this? Where is the ACLU when you actually NEED them? Why does the first amendment only apply when you agree with someone? No! This is not okay with me. Watching our economy worsen, graduating with over $100,000 in debt and having no job prospects, seeing the price of gasoline skyrocket, and seeing our right to choose our own life taken away by someone who wants to make all of my decisions for me has lit a fire under me. Barack Obama doesn't care about you and he doesn't care about America, he cares about having all the power and holding all the cards. It all sounds a little too much like Mussolini for my taste, and so I have taken a long hard look at the candidates and this is why the change of heart for Mitt.

Villanize people that have made a lot of money in the business all you want. To me that means that Mitt knows how to work hard, he knows how to be successful, and he knows what builds business and what doesn't. Why has all business become evil? Why do we begrudge others success? Because of the few who have used their power for evil? And where does Barack get off saying Mitt is out of touch with the rest of America? Because Barack is only living off a salary of $30,000 a year... oh wait, that is not true.

Mitt Romney's record shows that he knows how to build business, in fact he built his career on saving businesses. While he was governor of Massachusetts he didn't take a salary yet he still balanced the state budget, and despite what Harry Reid has said, Mitt Romney always paid his taxes.

Lately the thing that has upset me the most is Obama going on the View instead of talking to Netanyahu and doing anything about the fact that four Americans were murdered in Libya. Really? The View? That is appalling to me and not okay at all.

So I'm voting for Mitt Romney in November. I hope you will too.

Want to learn more about the candidates and their platforms? I'm all for informed voting. Check out their websites, and come back to hear more about why I prefer Romney to Obama and maybe a little bit about why I love Paul Ryan.

Romney's plan

Obama's plan