Messy Thrilling Life

Postpartum - The Second Time Around

2015-06-20T11:51:00.001-04:00

Every time someone asks me how this postpartum time has gone, I want to burst into tears...because it's been so great. Let me preface this all by saying that obviously having 2 under 2 initially (and now having an almost 2.5-year-old and 7-month-old) has its unique challenges, and some days are just hard. But this second-time-around scenario is night-and-day different from my postpartum period after Story (you can read about that here). The follow-up question I usually get is, "Why? Why do you think this season has been so different?" There are a few reasons:

1. AWARENESS. When I became pregnant with Story, I researched the crap out of childbirth, proper exercise and diet, the best baby gear, etc. But I think I read *maybe* a sentence (if that) about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. I don't even think I knew other maternal mental illnesses existed (i.e. postpartum psychosis). I do believe that was part of the reason why PPD/A hit me like a mack truck. With my limited knowledge, it didn't make sense. In my ignorance, I thought, "But, I've never been depressed before! Why would I struggle with depression now?" PPD/A isn't selective. Sure, you have a greater chance of it occurring if you've been diagnosed with depression previously (and specifically PPD/A reoccurring if you've had it before), but simply because you've not had it in the past and no one in your family has had it doesn't mean that you won't either. It's an ugly beast. Nonetheless, knowing what it felt like to walk through PPD/A and being vulnerable about my emotions put me on a path towards wellness. In fact, I remember at the end of the first or second week of River's life, I opened up to Seth, my mom, and my sister Shelby about the fact that I was lacking confidence - that I was starting to doubt if I could truly be a good mama to 2 kiddos, and that this was increasing my anxiety. By talking through my emotions, I was given the space to sort through the truth and the lies.

2. SUPPORT. Yes, I had amazing support from family, friends, doctors, and doulas once I was diagnosed with PPD/A after Story, but I had that support in place ahead of time with River. Not only that, but my entire support team was aware of my previous struggle and knew how they could best help me if PPD/A reared its ugly face again. Living in the same city with my immediate family this time around was so great. My mom was able to stay with us for a longer period of time, and any time I needed some extra help there was always someone there for me. I also had the support of a broad range of friends because of my openness and honesty regarding my struggle with PPD/A. I was able to reach out to fellow mamas through a Facebook group I'm a part of and ask for prayer. Many of these ladies I've never even met in person, but their prayers were FELT. I definitely had a community rising up behind me, and that felt so good.

3. PROPER TREATMENT. One of the most difficult parts of my journey through PPD/A was the simple fact that it took a little while for the doctors to prescribe an anti-depressant that "worked" for me. This is fairly common when it comes to mental health medication. Especially in my case, I was starting at ground zero having never taken an anti-depressent before. The typical class of anti-depressant that most OB's will prescribe for their patients actually pushed me further down the rabbit hole. With the help of a psychiatrist, I finally landed on something that began to help me and I felt like I could breathe again. However, leading into this second pregnancy, I had to stop taking the anti-depressant because it wasn't safe. I also couldn't take it again once River was born if I wanted to breastfeed, which was another goal of mine this time around. Therefore, I went the more holistic route. I had my placenta encapsulated (trust me - it's not as gross as it sounds) and I used essential oils. Because of FDA regulations, I can't go into specifics on the latter, but I will say that wellness was my goal and that was achieved through encapsulation and essential oils.

4. LOWERED EXPECTATIONS: Before I had Story, I was the most anal clean freak you'd probably ever meet in your life. I knew that this would need to change once I had kiddos, but I didn't really realize how much. I could no longer set aside huge chunks of time to do a deep clean on my house. I had to be okay with messes. That was SO difficult for me. I felt like I was failing as a wife because I couldn't keep up with household chores like I had done in the past. Needless to say, Seth could've cared less! I was so focused on what I was "failing" at that I couldn't see the fact that my beautiful baby girl was thriving. She was fed, clothed, and - most importantly - LOVED. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. After having Story, it became so much clearer to me that life really does move in seasons. With littles in our house, we'll have seasons of messiness, but as they get older everything does start to balance out. Each season ebs and flows in its own beautiful way - it's all about establishing new normals and enjoying the moment you're in right now.

In honor of the 3rd Annual Climb Out of the Darkness, I want to give mamas out there HOPE - just because you've walked through postpartum depression or anxiety in the past does NOT guarantee that it'll happen again. I'm a living, breathing example of this. And always, always know - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

The Birth of Our Son, River Bennett

2015-05-25T22:44:00.000-04:00

When Story was born, I had an emergency c-section, so my main goal and hope with River’s birth was to have a successful VBAC. I didn’t have any expectations regarding unmedicated birth vs. getting an epidural, but I was definitely willing to try to go completely natural.

River’s estimated due date was October 29th. I had been leaking a bit of fluid for a few days, so I knew I wasn’t far off. I woke up on Thursday, October 30th at about 2:30am with contractions, and after trying to use the bathroom and lay back down I eventually woke Seth up. We each took turns showering and gathering up any last minute items that we hadn’t yet packed. While I was showering, Seth called Eileen our doula and she decided to head our way. The contractions were already fairly close together, but they weren’t as intense as I remembered them being from my labor with Story. Seth also called my mom to let her know that I was in labor, and texted the rest of our family and friends. Once Eileen arrived, she began clocking my contractions and encouraged me to drink, eat, and rest. I was even able to take a nap on the couch. My sister Sharon came over to serve as a buffer while my good friend Katie made her way over to our house to pick up Story. It was comforting for me to have Sharon there as she took on a bit of an assistant role to Eileen, bringing me more to drink and rubbing my back. Around 9:30am, we made our way to the hospital since we knew I was going to need to get my first round of Penicillin as I was Group B Strep positive.

When I checked into triage, I was shocked and happy to find out that I was already 5-6cm dilated and 90-100% effaced! That’s about as far as I was able to get with Story, so I was greatly encouraged! I changed into a comfy gown and my own slippers, checked into our room, and continued to breathe through contractions. Seth, Sharon, and Eileen were all there with me. To switch things up, I also spent time rocking on a birthing ball in the shower while Seth used the showerhead to pour warm water all over my lower back and legs. One by one, family began to arrive: my mom, Vicki, Shelby, and Brian & Becky. I had our diffuser with essential oils on the entire time we were in our room along with a music mix playing quietly in the background. The atmosphere was exactly what I had hoped for. One song that stood out to me was “Shoulders” by For King & Country. Now I think of River every time I hear that song played.

At 7pm, our nurse Sarah checked my cervix to see how much progress I had made, and I was shocked and fairly disheartened to find out that I had zero change. Eileen then took me on a couple of long walks around the hospital hallways. She was the best, seriously. While hospital policy only allows you to have ice chips, Eileen encouraged me to eat and drink so that I could continue fueling my energy. The best thing I ate was the chicken and wild rice soup from Panera that my mom brought me. There’s something so reinvigorating about eating a hearty protein-packed meal in the middle of a marathon! Eileen also called her husband and had him bring her portable birthing tub to the hospital. She set it up in the bathroom, and I labored in it for a while. That’s when the contractions became unbearable. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t deep breath through them, I couldn’t stay on top of them. I don’t think I’ve screamed that loud in a long time. Through tears, I told Seth that I was going to need to get an epidural. I didn’t want River’s life to begin the same way Story’s did - with a mama who was absolutely beyond exhausted. I was afraid that alone would cause me to spiral into the pit of PPD/PPA. Eileen spoke words of truth over me, saying that it was more important for me to have a successful VBAC than to have an unmedicated birth, and that rest was crucial for me at that point. Getting the epidural wasn’t an easy process at 8cm dilated, but once it was in I felt like I became myself again. In fact, I think I even apologized to Sarah for behaving like the Incredible Hulk.

After the epidural kicked in, I curled up on my side and fell asleep. Seth laid down next to me, completely exhausted as well. In fact, everyone who was there for my labor tried to sleep for a bit. My mom, my sisters Shelby, Vicki, and Sharon, Seth’s mom and dad. There was such a sense of unity present - it was extremely comforting.

When I woke a few hours later, I had progressed to 9cm. At that point, I decided to have them go ahead and break my water. Shortly after that, I was a full 10cm and completely effaced. The nurses began prepping the room for the arrival of our baby boy. During the time, my dad arrived at the hospital from his shift at the firehouse. It was so sweet to see his face and have him there to encourage me. I was happy, mildly rested, and ready to push!

The nurses had me do a couple of practices pushes while we waited for Dr. Bowen to arrive. Their guidance along with Eileen’s coaching was very encouraging. It’s a strange feeling to push when you’ve never done it before! While I was pushing, they discovered that River was sunny-side up, so Dr. Bowen actually had to turn him in utero - thank the Lord I had had an epidural! After that, the 2 hours I spent pushing are such a blur. When all was said and done, I had no idea that I had been pushing for that long! I remember at one point asking Dr. Bowen if he could pull River out, to which he responded “There’s not a tool I could use or a thing I could do that would be better than what your body is already doing right now.” Shelby specifically remembers Seth asking me if I was excited as we were nearing the end to which I responded, “I won’t be excited until his whole body is out!” There was just so much pressure on my bottom and lady parts that even with the epidural it was really uncomfortable. The nurses had a mirror that I used once - and when I saw that his head was not nearly as far out as I felt it should be, I went back to closing my eyes. I had my eyes closed for almost the entire duration of pushing.

Everyone was in my room. Even my dad and Brian were there, waiting in the hallway out-of-sight, but they were able to hear everything. As I bore down for my final push, there was a sense of quiet. I was able to pull River’s slippery body up onto my chest. He was a bit blue and gurgly, but after giving him a bit of oxygen, he was good to go. Born on October 31, 2014 at 12:27pm after almost 34 hours of labor (the third Halloween birthday in my family!), River weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 21 inches long. As I held him, Seth announced his name - River Bennett Williams - and read this verse over his sweet little life: “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38. Our son was here, he was healthy, and we were blessed beyond measure. Praise the Lord for His goodness!!!

I'm Back: My Victory Over Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

2014-06-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

It's taken me a long time to sit down and write this post. I think it's just difficult to relive those few months after Story's birth. Not that I'm not aware of my struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety every day. I am such an open book when the topic comes up because one of my goals is to not only increase awareness, but to normalize PPD and PPA. I am thankful that I had the necessary support to get through to the other side. If I can help save one life by sharing my story, it's worth it.

A precursor to my story: On Christmas Day 2013, my amazing mom gave me and each of my siblings the most thoughtful gifts. She had asked us to trace our hands and send her the tracings a little while before Christmas. I initially thought that maybe she was making some sort of family calendar or something - she did in fact used to teach preschool, so she has a million crafty things filed away in that noggin of hers. However, she used the tracings of our hands as reminders to pray for us. And she also felt that the Lord had given each of us specific verses as well as a couple of words that would potentially define part of our new year. When I received a laminated version of my hand (she had a copy and then she gave us a copy as well), I immediately started crying as I noticed the paper she had used - it was printed with various images of a mother with her child. I loved the Bible verse, a well-known excerpt from Philippians: "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:6) But I was stumped when I saw my two words: CONQUER & VICTORY. Not until I was in the thick of my battle with PPD and PPA did I cling so tightly to the truth that my mom had spoken over me. The Lord was going to help me conquer this battle and ultimately He would receive the victory. For me, my battle with PPD and PPA wasn't just physical - it was spiritual. And I am SO thankful that the Lord of angel armies was on my side!!!

(sidenote: I'm having a difficult time remembering the proper order of events, so I'm going to write them in the order I remember them happening.)

As I wrote in a previous post, Story's birth didn't go as I had hoped or planned. Initially, I had prayed and planned for a natural, unmedicated birth. Not so quickly, that all went south. I'm about as type-A as you can get, but I was able to ease into every decision with Story's birth with an unexplained peace. Our hospital stay went well. Story was able to latch and begin breastfeeding. I barely felt any pain from the c-section. Everything seemed to be going so well.

Our first night home was rough. I couldn't get Story settled, but I didn't want to wake Seth because I knew at least one of us needed to get a good night's rest. I didn't wake my mom either because I felt like I should somehow know what Story needed or like I was really the only one who could help her. I was exhausted. At 5am, my mom woke up and quickly ushered me to bed. When I woke up 3 hours later, that was the first time I remember that anxious feeling - my heart was racing as I jumped out of bed to make sure that Story was okay. Sure enough, she was perfectly content in my mom's arms, but I couldn't get myself to fully relax.

Fast forward to a couple of days later. Our dear friends Scott and Susy came over to see Story and check in on us. As I began talking, I couldn't control my tears. I completely broke down. I recall saying something to Susy along the lines of "I feel like I might have made a mistake." The fear that I had entered into parenthood before I was ready gripped me like a vice. I felt trapped. I literally felt like I had walked into a season of life I wasn't prepared for.

The crying was constant. The anxiety was never-ending. I remember looking at Story and feeling like I didn't have the physical strength to pick her up. I just wanted things to go back to normal. I felt like I was a terrible mother. Story was such a content baby, rarely making a fuss. But I just felt like I didn't have the tools to care for her and I was terrified that her precious little life was in my hands. The worst was when she started to lose weight - this was after she had a gain after her initial loss upon coming home from the hospital. The doctor suggested that I begin supplementing with formula. It was almost too much for me to bear. I was her mother, the one that was supposed to be providing her with the nutrition she needed to grow and thrive, and I couldn't even do that. Feedings would take forever, as I fed her from both breasts and then gave her a bottle. I was exhausted. I was at my breaking point.

Susy ended up writing Seth an email after they had been at our house. She expressed a great deal of concern for me, and suggested that I was perhaps dealing with more than just the "baby blues." She sent him a link to a site called Postpartum Progress where they list the symptoms of PPD and PPA. I remember as Seth and I looked over the list together, tears streaming down my face as I mentally checked off almost every symptom. We knew I needed to get help.

Roughly two weeks after Story was born, I had an appointment with my OB to discuss my mental and emotional state. I remember looking at my swollen face in the mirror and not recognizing myself. My OB was kind, but I don't think she saw the severity of my state in that first appointment. She prescribed Zoloft, which is a fairly mild antidepressant, and a pretty typical "first try" when it comes to mental health medication.

A couple of days later, the panic attacks started. I knew I couldn't be alone, and I was more than Seth could handle. My mom drove down to Nashville from Cincinnati to pick me and Story up. I felt a surge of peace, but my emotions were shot. At this time, I also made the decision to quit breastfeeding so that I could begin taking Xanax and allow my body more time to rest. Typically, it takes about 2 weeks for any type of antidepressant to cycle through your body, and having never taken any type of mental health medication before, it was a bizarre experience. My mom began to take care of me and Story. Every morning, I woke up and experienced panic attacks immediately. I remember running downstairs to find my mom and she would wrap me up in her arms and rock me while praying over me. She'd brush back my hair while I sobbed into her shoulder. She was so strong. Afterwards, she'd make me fresh juice and a healthy breakfast and encourage me to eat - I had already lost all of my baby weight at this point, and weighed even less than I did before I had gotten pregnant with Story. I had a mix of good moments with mostly bad days. My mom would have the Christian Sirius channel playing almost all day long, and I would just hold Story and sob. I didn't understand why I was going through this, why I had to suffer, why I couldn't be the mom that I had imagined I would be. I was worried that Story would suffer later on in life because of my PPD and PPA. One weekend, Seth came up to visit us, and I remember having a horrible panic attack where I was clinging to my dad, screaming that I thought I was going crazy. Having a medical background, my dad urged Seth to call my doctor and have them change my prescription. He could tell that I was having a negative reaction to Zoloft, and that it was indeed making my mental state worse.

The next several weeks are all a blur. I went back down to Nashville and began seeing a counselor. I also met with a nurse practitioner at the same practice who put me on a couple more antidepressants (one was meant as a sleep aide). My 30th birthday was horrible. I had one of my worst panic attacks that evening, and it was all Seth could do to just get me into the shower to calm me down. None of the medications seemed to be "working." After a rough go with the nurse practitioner, my OB got me an appointment with a psychiatrist who I remember being incredibly dry, but very smart. He started me on Effexor XR, which is in a different class of mental health medication. I also went back up to Cincinnati to be with my parents once more, and then back down to Nashville. So many family members and friends were there for me. They took turns with Story's late night feedings, sleeping on the floor next to her Moses basket. Ultimately, I had to learn how to be a parent apart from my parents, but I wasn't ready to be on my own with Story. I tried to do "normal" things, but it was so difficult because I was as far from myself as I could be. I remember Susy coming over to clean our house and stock our fridge because I couldn't. She then had Story and I come spend the afternoon and night at her house so I could rest all day in their guest room while she took care of Story. I will never forget how vulnerable I felt as I laid curled up in a ball on that bed, my eyes closed but unable to sleep.

Shortly thereafter, my sister Therese came and stayed with us for two weeks. As a professional counselor and as my sister, she was a huge resource. Therese was so good at refocusing my thoughts, and saving me from the downward spiral of another panic attack. She'd also have me focus on doing just one thing a day in addition to taking care of Story, instead of the never-ending to-do list that I was tempted to focus on. I had to learn that taking care of a little human being was enough - I didn't need to fill my day with chores, errands, and projects even though my type-A self was so used to that behavior. For some reason, I had a completely idealized version of what it would look like to be a stay-at-home mom in my head. I don't know where it came from. My perfectionism? My desire to be-all and do-all all the time? Probably some of that and more. My mom-in-law came down and stayed with me for a week, and then my parents hired a postpartum doula to stay with me while Seth was at work. I had two doulas from the same group - A Village Birth Services - Leanne and Brittany, but Leanne spent the majority of the time with me. She was amazing. Leanne would make sure my physical needs were met while at the same time encouraging me in my own mothering. She helped instill in my a confidence I didn't realize I had. She became a true friend. I began taking some natural supplements as well - Vitamin D being at the top of the list. And I also switched counselors - I was now seeing a counselor from Hope Clinic for Women who specialized in perinatal mood disorders.

Slowly, I found life again. I remember laughing and suddenly thinking, "Wait...is this okay? Am I okay?" I was outside running. I was fixing myself lunch. I was smiling at Story. And it all felt glorious. As I look back, I don't remember there being a particular "lightbulb moment" where I became myself again. It was a gradual progression. And the more Story grew, the stronger our bond became. Here's one of my most favorite photos with Story:

I know that when I was in the thick of my struggle, it was hard to believe those who told me I'd get better - in fact, I'm not so sure I ever actually believed anyone. But I did hold on with all my strength to the truth that despite this broken world, the Lord promised me hope and a future. I am forever indebted to all those who were a part of my healing process.

If you are struggling, know that there is hope. Reach out to those around you. Talk openly with family and friends. There are far too many mamas out there who are feeling ashamed and afraid. You are not alone. You will get better. And if you have a day where hope feels too far out of reach, think of me and remember that I was once right where you are. You will move forward, I promise. One step at a time. And you know what? Your sweet baby will be okay too.

Saying Goodbye to Grampa

2014-03-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

As many of you already know, my grampa passed away this past October. We all obviously knew the day would eventually come, but nothing can ever fully prepare you to say your final goodbye to a loved one. I had the honor of speaking at his funeral. Here is what I had to share:

Grampa had the largest hands you'd ever seen. Seriously. When I'd hold his hand even as an adult, his would inevitably swallow mine in their gentle, calloused way. His hands spoke of years of hard manual labor, working in a factory repairing cranes. Grampa was a tough man in his younger years; strict in the way he ran his household and managed his four boys. He wasn't the perfect father, but when his youngest son, my dad Ray, needed him most, he was there. Grampa was there to drive my biological mother to her chemo treatments. He loved Maureen as if she were his own daughter. Grampa was there to drive us to school, wearing his cool patterned brimmed hats. Grampa was there to help Gramma pack up a cooler with a picnic lunch (allowing us to choose our own flavor of pop), and take us to Monroe Falls for a swim on a hot summer day. Grampa was there to cook bacon for our BLTs - a weekly dinner favorite - wearing his white butcher apron and constantly reminding us and Gramma to stand back so the hot grease wouldn't splatter on our fair skin. Grampa was there to trim my bangs, doing his best to keep them even while I wiggled impatiently on that rickety stool. Grampa was there, showing up at our house with a bag full of fresh vegetables that he'd harvested from his beautiful garden. Grampa was there to take us to the movies with a big brown grocery bag full of freshly popped popcorn for all of us to share. Grampa was there to eventually embrace another daughter, my mom Bonnie, and welcome her into his family. And over the past several years that Grampa had lived on his own in an apartment, he was there to greet us at the door, welcoming us in with a hug and a kiss. He would then sit with us and tell us stories of times past. It was always difficult for him to be a part of this chaotic current world, especially without his bride by his side. Any time I would call Grampa, he would answer with his signature "Hel-lo!" and as soon as I would say "Hi Grampa! It's me, Kelly!" he would laugh and say "My Kelly!" If I close my eyes for even just a second, I can almost feel the squeeze of his large hands and see those cloudy brown eyes looking back into mine. Even when Grampa couldn't be physically present any longer, he was present in spirit, praying for me as I became a wife, a mother, and while I suffered through the dark valley of postpartum depression and anxiety. Grampa was a constant in our lives. It was comforting to know that even though we were separated by distance, he was still there. Lord Jesus, thank you for the time you've given us with this man - the good and the bad, the hard and the happy. In the midst of our grief, it brings me great joy to imagine his broken body fully restored, walking with ease on the streets of gold. Thank you Grampa for caring for and investing in the lives of five young girls who are now grown women. Your legacy lives on. We love you, we miss you, and we look forward to being reunited with you on the other side of eternity.

The Story of Story

2013-10-18T00:30:00.003-04:00

For months now, I've been meaning to blog about my journey through the dark valley of post-partum depression and anxiety; however, before I put that experience into words, I first need to share with you the beautiful story of Story.

{written during our hospital stay}

Story's EDD was Sunday, January 13th. Well, that day came and went. We had an ultrasound that following Monday, which revealed that she had an ample amount of fluid still surrounding her, and she was just comfy. It was difficult waiting - wondering with each activity I would do (exercising, getting groceries, blow-drying my hair...) if it would be the "last time" before she was born. My doula and doctor had me taking both evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf capsules. Thursday evening, January 17th, Seth and I sat down to a dinner of homemade chicken noodle soup and watched the second night of American Idol - a pretty typical evening for us. :o) That night before bed, I took the evening primrose oil vaginally as I had been doing for a few nights in a row. However, that time something felt different. At 12:26am on Friday, January 18th, I felt the need to use the bathroom, and when I did I lost my mucous plug. Very quickly thereafter, I began contracting. They were fairly mild, around 30 seconds long, but quite close together - 3-5 minutes. At 2:42am, Seth texted our doula Susie to let her know what was going on. She told me to try to get as much rest as I possibly could, and to keep her posted.

Rest was not in the cards for me. I found that swaying through the contractions with Seth's help worked well for me, but I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. We turned on our labor mix, lit a candle, and tried to keep the atmosphere at home as calming as possible. A couple of hours later, I told Seth I wanted him to call Susie and have her come to our place. She also had a doula-in-training named Patsy with her who was coming along as well. When Susie got to our house around 4:45am, I remember feeling like I was already in a lot of pain. Because Susie is a certified midwife, she was able to check my cervix for progress as well as monitor the baby's position and heartbeat. At that point, I was at 3cm and about 80% effaced. I believe Story was at about -1 station.

Seth drew a warm bath for me, and I labored in the tub for a while. The weightlessness of the water felt really good on my abdomen! I felt better after being in the bath for a while, and was able to eat some yogurt and a banana afterwards. I constantly drank water and Vitamin Water Zero while laboring. Susie checked my cervix again a few hours later, and I was at 4cm. And then 5cm. And then 6cm. Progression was slow, but at least I was progressing. Through each contraction, Susie or Patsy would talk me through it - "Take a cleansing breath. Let it come. Let it sit. Let it stay. Let it rest. And take another cleansing breath." They were also great about massaging my body where I'd naturally tense up - my shoulders, my back, and my hips. Patsy spoke several scriptures over us, which I loved. They were both super encouraging with their words - just hearing "Kelly, you're doing great. You've got this" was SO reassuring to me.

After listening to Story's heart rate several times, Susie mentioned that she was positioned more to the right, and she really wanted to get her centered. Susie had me laying on my side for several contractions which were pretty excruciating. After checking her positioning again, it was clear that she wasn't quite ready to rotate to the center. Susie gave Dr. Strnad a call at the hospital, and we decided to begin getting things packed up to head over once my mom arrived at our house. My mom got to us around 3:30pm, and a few minutes later we left for the hospital.

Upon getting checked into the hospital and our labor & delivery room, we gave our nurse our birth plan and she was pretty surprised to see that we didn't want a Heploc IV administered. I was pretty set on not wanting anything "medical" interfering with Story's birth. Susie had suggested that we consider having my water broken by Dr. Strnad in order to help our labor get past this standstill point. In order to have that done, I would indeed need to have a Heploc IV. We decided to move forward with having my water broken - although we found out it wouldn't be done by Dr. Strnad, but instead by Dr. Cox (whom we had never met) who was on-call that weekend. Upon meeting her, I was immediately comforted by her presence; however, upon breaking my water, she found that there was a ton of meconium present. Since there was a danger present that Story might have aspirated some of the meconium, I had to remain on the fetal heart rate monitors for the duration of my labor, which meant that I was pretty much stuck in bed.

Susie continued to coach me through the contractions, and urged me to surrender completely and go into a dream-like state. I was so exhausted by that point that it wasn't too difficult to let myself go. However, actually relaxing was a whole other ballgame. There were points where I'd literally feel my uterus rise up with a contraction, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done to rest in it instead of fight it. One of the main things getting me through the contractions besides the support I had physically surrounding me was the fact that I knew there were so many people covering us in prayer. The Holy Spirit definitely interceded for me on several of my contractions - my mom and Seth recalled watching contractions peak on the monitor, and at the same time noticed that I had absolutely no reaction to them. The Lord was my strength when I had none.

After some time, the nurse and Dr. Cox came to check my progress. I thought for certain that I'd be at least 9cm. However, they said that I hadn't experienced any change. No change. The hardest two words to hear at that point in time. Dr. Cox said that due to the length of time that I had been in labor and my level of fatigue, it might be best for them to start me on a little bit of Pitocin. I immediately started crying, and looked at Seth and told him that there was no way I could receive any Pitocin without getting an epidural. I was too tired. Physically and emotionally, I was spent. Susie stepped forward and said, "Remember when I told you that if I thought you'd benefit from an epidural I'd let you know? I do believe that now would be a good time." Everyone reassured me that I did everything I could on my own, and receiving help wasn't a failure - it was simply the next step in Story's birth story. I had been worried that I would feel like a failure if I couldn't have story without medication, but the Lord spared me from that. I knew I had done all that I could. It was time.

The epidural was put in place about 15 minutes later with just Seth in the room. About 10 minutes after that, Dr. Cox came in to speak with us. Apparently, Story's heart rate had dipped several times during labor, and Dr. Cox wasn't seeing any improvement. Therefore, she didn't even want to start me on Pitocin any longer because she was concerned that Story wouldn't be able to tolerate it. She assured us that Story was completely fine and healthy, but she wanted to keep it that way; hence, she told us it was time to consider a caesarean section. Susie had mentioned earlier that when it comes to seeing dips in the baby's heart rate, c-sections are usually the next move that's considered, so we felt prepared. Seth and I just looked at each other and with complete confidence said, "Okay." We were ready to meet our girl, and we didn't want to do anything that would potentially lead to a dangerous situation for her.

It took about 10 minutes for the team of nurses to prep me for the OR, and then my mom, Susie, and Patsy all came back into the room. With Seth, they laid their hands on my and my mom prayed over us - me, Seth, and Story. It was an emotional, beautiful moment. While I was beyond tired at that point, I didn't feel nervous. I felt so loved and lifted up, both by those in the room with me and by those across the miles. They wheeled me into surgery to get me situated while Seth waited in the hallway. My arms were shaking uncontrollably due to medication and the fact that I was freezing, so they hooked up an air-vented blanket with a heated fan, and wrapped me in warmed blankets as well. I also had to receive more medication for nausea. Seth said that when he was admitted into the OR, all he could see was my face. When our eyes met, we both started crying immediately. I was overwhelmed with love for the man who had been my rock throughout my entire labor. It was a bonding experience unlike any other. A few minutes later, the man assisting in the surgery said, "Okay - you're going to feel some pressure." He was pushing Story down to the base of my uterus. Another minute later and we heard, "Oh! She has hair!" And then, in what felt like just a few seconds (at 10:17pm), we heard her cry. It was unlike any baby cry I had ever heard before. It was light and delicate. Seth and I were sobbing - we couldn't believe that our sweet baby girl was here!!! He was able to go over to the table where they were suctioning her and cleaning her off to take some photos. Upon returning to my side, the doctor said, "Dad - would you like to hold her?" Seth was so joyful as they placed Story in his arms for the first time. Looking at my daughter's face for the first time is a moment I'll never forget. They were even able to place her on my chest while the doctor finished my sutures. She was absolutely the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

They had initially told us that Story might have to be taken to the NICU after she was born due to the whole meconium situation, but after being assessed, they said she was fine and she was allowed to ride with us back to our recovery room. She was so incredibly alert, already trying to hold her head up! While I waited for the epidural to begin wearing off, she was placed on my chest and we were able to do some skin-to-skin bonding. She was also able to latch and begin nursing for the first time. Out of everything we had put in our birth plan, I'm so glad that we were still able to do those two things.

Labor was the hardest thing I've ever done - much harder than any marathon I've ever run. But I feel like the experience I had was incredible - the support and love I felt, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually, was unlike anything else I had ever experienced. I had labored for almost 22 hours, and the end result was the most precious gift the Lord could've ever entrusted us with. Even though our birth plan pretty much went out the window, I think the Lord was trying to show me that although it's good to have a plan, His is always better. And we are so thankful for our Story Rae, and can't wait for the day that she falls in love with our Savior who carried us through her birth.

What a gift...

2012-09-06T00:09:00.002-04:00

I feel like I can't start a blog post without the traditional "Oh my gosh, it's been SO long since my last post! I promise I'll get it together and post more regularly from here on out!" So sorry for those empty promises. I'm pretty sure only one or two people read this thing anyway, and I'm sure that my infrequent posting nature does not keep them up at night.

Anywho, we found out the most incredible news a couple of Wednesdays ago - we're having a little GIRL!!! We couldn't be happier about it! Seth and I were both hoping for a girl, but after praying through it, we realized we were incredibly open to either a boy or a girl...so much so, that we were both basically expecting it to be a boy.

At our ultrasound, we had our tech tell us to look away whenever she was inspecting the "parts", and then at the end of our appointment she went out in the hallway with a blank card we had given her and wrote the gender inside. And of course she sealed the envelope! There's no way I could have walked around with that thing unsealed in my purse all day!

Seth and I went to dinner together, just the two of us, and after we ordered we pulled out the card. Seth opened the envelope, slid the card out, and on the count of three we both looked at it. We were SO shocked, and SO thrilled! Seth literally said he wanted to hug everyone in the restaurant. And I'm sure he would have if our stomachs weren't growling so loudly.

It's a girl!!!

SO happy.

We were in a state of euphoria all through dinner, pinching ourselves over and over. We could NOT believe it!!! I had literally been researching boy names at work earlier that day, I was so convinced it was going to be a boy. One of the best parts: we already know what her name is going to be. Mum's the word though! We won't be revealing her name until her birthday. I probably won't tell you her initials either. And no, her first name's not "Felicity" - good guess though, Sus!!!

Later on that night, we had a little gender reveal dessert at Scott and Susy's home. Molly came over, and Luke and Lindsey were with us via iChat. I had baked both blue and pink cookies using this recipe I found after a little research on Pinterest. Needless to say, mine didn't look nearly as picturesque, but it was all worth it watching everyone's reactions as they broke into the cookies. Pink centers, of course! Although I'd prefer to have made the center yellow, I thought that might be a little too ambiguous. :o)

Pink center.

A couple of weeks later, the news is still sinking in. I'm beginning to feel her little fluttery movements, which is just so amazing. Seth was able to feel her move the other day as well, and I've never seen a more excited daddy-to-be. We're just beyond blessed. What a gift...

Creating.

2012-01-15T19:57:00.003-05:00

There's so much I need to update you all on (and I know I still need to post more details and photos from our trip to Hawaii - was that really already 4 months ago?!), but I want to take a moment to post some photos from my more creative moments over the past little while.

paper labels for Susy's baby shower

cute foodie tags for Susy's baby shower

place"cards" at Thanksgiving dinner

the kids' place"cards"

homemade Christmas gifts

grapefruit marmalade & Burger Up ketchup

The marmalade was delicious!!!

It feels good to create, doesn't it? Here's to more creating in 2012!

The Day I Decided Not To Run

2011-11-12T15:52:00.001-05:00

I did something this morning I never thought I'd ever do: I decided not to run. And we're not talkin' a normal get-up-and-go-to-the-Y-and-jump-on-the-treadmill kind of run. We're talkin' a half-marathon-that-I-signed-up-and-paid-for-and-drove-all-the-way-to-East-Nash-to-pick-up-my-bib-for kind of run.

In middle school and high school I ran track, which I abruptly quit my junior year for two reasons: 1. I wanted to pursue theatre and 2. my coaches were anything but encouraging. I would go to practice anxious and already discouraged. I didn't fall in love with running until I saw my amazing friend Danielle complete the Chicago Marathon in the fall of 2004. I'll never forget standing next to a man who was cheering his heart out as a beautiful woman came bounding by, screaming out, "That's my wife! That's my wife!" I'm still moved to tears recalling this moment. Witnessing D accomplish her goal, and seeing so many other do the same motivated me and my friend Kristi to train for and run the Cincinnati Flying Pig Half Marathon. We stuck with each other the whole way through, being cheered on by our families and friends. It was an amazing moment, crossing that finish line, knowing that I had completed my first half marathon.

When I moved to California in August of 2005, my friend Sue was a huge encouragement to my running. She was an avid runner herself, and she motivated me to get to the gym or get outside and run, no matter how tired I was due to my heavy work schedule. My pace was slow, but steady, and the more I ran, the faster I became. Seth and I would go for runs together occasionally, and we even completed three more half marathons together. It wasn't until June of 2008 that I ran my first marathon. The San Diego Rock 'n' Roll marathon. My friend Jamie who I worked with at Anthro was also training for it, and we did a handful of our long runs together, with her husband Justin as well. She was quite a bit faster than me, but that only challenged me to dig deeper. Seth met us at various points to give us Gatorade and water, and a couple of times he ran the last mile or two with me. Finishing that marathon was a huge accomplishment for me. I ran the entire thing, and I can distinctly remember how difficult the last 5.2 miles were. I wanted to stop. I wanted to cry. But I kept going. Mind over body, I made it to the finish line.

Still excited at mile 12!

I continued to sign up for races, and run them well. By "well" I mean that I was able to keep a steady pace throughout the race, and finish feeling good. I've never been the fastest - nor will I ever be - but I remember when I was running a 10:30 mile...and I'm now running an 8:00 mile. There have been a couple of races that were a little rocky ::cough cough The Cleveland Experience that I never want to experience again cough cough::, but overall I've really enjoyed this process. Willing your body to do something you never thought would be possible is an amazing feeling.

Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon 2009
A family affair!!!

San Dieguito Half Marathon 2010

Maui Marathon 2011

However, I think I'm at the point where those feelings of anxiety from high school track are creeping back in. Every race, I'm nervous, but not a healthy kind of nervous. I think, "Oh gosh, what if I don't complete this marathon faster than the last?" "What if I need to walk for a minute?" What if, what if, what if. The worst part is, if I don't finish with a PR every time, I feel a little bit like I failed. So many runners follow a ton of mantras to get them through the race: "Pain is gain." "One mile at a time." "You're tougher than the rest." "Define yourself." Yikes. So if I don't do well, does that define me as a failure??? Being type "A" and a runner is usually a good thing, but in instances like this, it can be pretty detrimental.

Seth and I have endured quite a bit of transition over the past five years, and even in the past few weeks. I've taken on another job, and have found that my schedule is once again full of work, leaving me very little time to spend with my hubby, let alone go for that ever-so-important long run before the big race day. This past summer I signed up for a handful of races, including the Nashville Half Marathon that took place this morning. It was my last long distance race on the books for a while, so initially I was looking forward to it. But with all of the change that's taken place lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed. And while I'll always enjoy a good sweat, I haven't felt excited about the race I was supposed to run this morning. In fact, I was pretty much dreading it. There wasn't any room in my mind to process through the fact that no matter what my finish time was, I should be proud of myself for yet another accomplishment. Bottom line: my heart wasn't in it. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, and sat up in bed. I was worn down, emotionally and physically. I turned to Seth and I told him, "Babe, I don't think I can do this." While there are people out there who might argue that Seth should have said, "Yes babe, yes you can! You can do this! Let's go!", he listened past my voice and heard my heart and said, "You don't need to do this babe. You can rest." It's almost as if I needed someone to tell me it was okay...to give me permission not to run. It's okay that I didn't want to run. It's okay that I knew my body couldn't handle an early run in the cold. It's okay that I didn't think I could PR. It's okay. I'm not a failure. I'm not a quitter. It's okay.

We slept till our bodies/Bou woke us up, and then we spent time together. We actually went on a run. A slow run through the beautiful streets of our neighborhood. We were able to talk and soak in the morning sun and the changing leaves. Spending that time with my husband was more precious to me than getting another medal. And I'm clinging to that.

Sometimes in life, I think our passions can become our idols if we're not careful. Some might argue that that's okay, but for me it's not. Jesus should be the one I'm making time for before anything else. Jesus is more important than marathon #8. I want to continue pursuing a healthy lifestyle, but I want to be careful that I'm even more protective of my time with the Lord than I am of my precious hour of daily running.

Yes, there will be more races. More half marathons. Probably even more marathons. Hopefully, as I continue to become more like the woman that Christ intends for me to be, I'll be more comfortable with the idea of looking at each race as an opportunity to build endurance and character, rather than a definition of either success or failure. I'm beginning to understand that I can define myself as a runner, and not PR every time, or even run every race. Like today. The day I decided not to run.

Falling in love with stitching on paper

2011-10-20T22:21:00.002-04:00

My dear friend Susy is currently pregnant with her third child - a sweet little girl - and I was honored to create her shower invitation. I decided to try my hand at stitching on paper, and I think it turned out pretty well if I do say so myself. The girls at Social Graces are teaching me how to use Adobe Illustrator, which is the program I used to create the design. I glued down the triangles individually, then stitched through the paper to create the look of bunting. I'm so excited to celebrate Susy and Little Lady Anderson in just a couple of weeks, and even more excited to meet this sweet babe face-to-face in December!

Filling you in on September in October

2011-10-20T21:48:00.004-04:00

I can't believe how much has happened since my last post, and how late it is right now. 10:44 pm to be exact. And I'm just now starting this entry. No matter how many times I tell myself I need an early bedtime in order to function properly the next day, it rarely happens.

September was a crazy, busy month. I'm going to break it down chronologically, just so I don't get my tired brain confused.

September 3rd: Sarah & Josh got married! Oh man, I thoroughly enjoyed myself that weekend! It started off with lunch and mani/pedis with all of Sar's besties, which was quite the treat (thanks Momma Snaves!). I got to spend a good chunk of time with Sar's friend Teresa from SD - it's always refreshing to meet someone that you can connect with right off the bat without a ton of effort. She was a great partner-in-crime (Not that we committed any crimes...but we did eat Skyline at like 11 pm, which goes against pretty much everything I stand for. Just kidding.) Teresa and I got to spend the night with the bride before her big day, and it was so much fun to grab coffee and Bagel & Deli the morning of her wedding. It meant so much to me to be a part of the little things. And man, Sarah looked GORGEOUS. Pretty much the most beautiful bride of all time. Steph Carson, their photographer, was also the photographer at my (and Seth's) wedding, so it was super fun to chat with her and catch up on life. All of my "Hamilton Hall Hotties" were at the wedding, and it's always so good to see them. We discussed how we couldn't believe that it was ten years ago that we first met. TEN YEARS. Where does the time go?! We also got to stay and spend time with our good friends Scott & Kristen and their sweet boy Weston. Talk about true community. We love this family, and hope they decide to relocate to Nashville like tomorrow.

Me & the beautiful bride before her walk down the aisle

THE Hamilton Hall Hotties

The Williamses & The Osinkoskys #thatwasamouthful

Has it really already been 10 years since I first stepped foot on this campus???

Our joint family Christmas photo 2012

Thrifting does one's soul a bit of good.

Clinging to his hairbrush, even in his dreams.

September 10th-18th: MAUI. It's almost too difficult to put our trip into words because it was just so amazing. The condo we stayed in was mind-blowingly beautiful (thanks Freers!), right on the beach with an ocean view. We woke up early, drank iced chai tea lattes (with vanilla), body-surfed, napped in the sun, explored, swam in a waterfall, went to an authentic luau, sailed at sunset, zip-lined, read books, watched a million movies, I ran a marathon, and we just really, really enjoyed our time together. I will post photos and more in-depth stories about this trip soon!

Blissfully happy in this beautiful place.

September 23rd: Seth was let go from his job. Quite the shock. I'm not going to comment too much on this in blogger-world, except to say that we felt like the rug had been pulled out from under us initially. After processing it over the days that followed, we now feel a lot of peace and hope regarding our future. Seth is an amazing man, and I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

September 24th: I ran the Women's Half Marathon right here in Nashville. It was the first all-women run that I've ever done, and I really enjoyed that aspect of it. My mind and heart were a little all over the place due to the previous evening's events, so I felt pretty emotional throughout most of my run. I was planning on sticking with the 1:45 pace setter, but he was running at a pretty fast clip, hitting mile after mile at a 7:30 pace instead of the intended 8:00. I know 30 seconds may not seem like a big deal, but the first few miles at such a quick pace really threw me off, and I spent a good majority of the race trying to settle in. Around mile 10 I could feel the back of my left shoe starting to rub my ankle raw, and I knew I was guaranteed to have a bloody sock at the end of the race. I definitely should've spent more time breaking them in, but there was no way I could wear my last pair - they were completely shot after the Maui Marathon. I finished in 1:48:04 - not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Another half down!

Battle wounds

September 29th: 5 years. Five years ago that day I married my best friend. I know that a lot of people say that, but I really, truly mean it. Seth is my best friend, and I couldn't feel more grateful knowing that we have been and will be walking side-by-side through life together. I am 100% myself around him always. It's funny to think back to when we were dating and I was nervous not to wear make-up around him, or eat really messy sandwiches, or even...dare I say it?...fart around him. Thank God that he allows me to do all 3 (yes, all 3) of those things, and he loves me regardless.

9.29.2006 • "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken..." (c) Steph Carson Photography

Seeing as October is almost over, I feel pretty behind. So much, in fact, that I almost skipped publishing this post altogether. But, I need to give myself a little grace and realize that life gets a little busy and a little messy every now and again, and that's okay. So, cheers to this moment of life, and all that is to come.

Goings-On

2011-08-28T18:47:00.005-04:00

It's a hot one here today in Nashville, as was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that...I think you've got the picture. While I love the warmth and sunshine of summer, I'm pretty much over the humidity and constant bug bites. I seriously can't be outside for more than a few minutes before I get at least a couple of those suckers. We are SO looking forward to fall - it's definitely my favorite season of the year, and we've heard that it's amazingly beautiful down here once the leaves start to change color. I'm already getting a hankering for big mugs of hot chocolate and my extremely worn-in leather boots - I need to get those puppies resoled! We've had quite a bit going on around here lately - here's a taste of our life in words and photos:

My family came down South to Franklin, TN area for vacation this year. For those of you who don't know, every year my parents choose a city for us to spend a week together in. They rent a big 'ole house, and we plan activities for the week, which always include a minor league ballgame, a lengthy game of bingo (with some hilarious prizes up for grabs), and an evening of water balloon games...and a huge water fight! The ironic thing about our vacation being just outside of Franklin was that my parents had decided on this location before Seth and I even knew that we were moving to Nashville! It felt a little strange to not have to travel a great deal, but I still felt like I was on vacation, tucked away in a huge log home out in a very rural area.

My niece Kayla & me makin' funny faces

My nephew Casey & my sister Shy

After a fun-filled week with with the fam, I trekked up to Cincy for my good friend Sarah's bachelorette party. All the girls met up at NADA (THE most amazing Mexican restaurant outside of California - side note: If you're ever fortunate enough to go there, you MUST have the guacamole & homemade tortilla chips and the pork belly tacos. I'm salivating just thinking about them.) for dinner & drinks, and then moved on to bowling at Newport on the Levee. I had never been to an "adult" bowling alley before, so that was definitely a first. Not to mention that we all were sweating our (bowling) balls off because it was so hot. But we had a great time! I'm pretty sure I came in dead last. What can I say - it had been a while since I'd bowled!

Pork belly tacos AND chicken tacos?! YES PLEASE!!!

Bowling in style

Me with the Bride-to-Be (What's up with my limp hand?)

I can't believe she's getting married. It seems like just yesterday, we were dressing up in the weirdest outfits with the intention of parading around Central Quad at Miami in efforts to burn off excess energy. Man, we were weird. And I LOVE that about Sar. She always, always allowed (and still allows) me to be my goofy, emotional, extroverted-introvert self. And she welcomed (and welcomes) me with open arms. I can't wait to celebrate her and Josh in just a few short days!

Just last weekend, I was given 3 days off, so we decided to take advantage of that time and drive up to Cleveland to visit my grampa. Grampa Stolarski is 95-years-old, and, God-willing, will be turning 96 this December. Here are a few things I think about when I think about Grampa:

1. He has HUGE hands. He did factory work for years, was a pro at repairing giant cranes, and also poured quite a bit of concrete. I think this caused his joints to swell in his hands or something, because, I'm telling you, he has the biggest hands I've ever seen. Even after all of the hard laboring he did to provide for his family and the many hours working outside on their lawn and in their garden, they're surprising very soft to the touch. I feel blessed and privileged to hold his hand on a walk, supporting the man that supported me throughout my childhood.

2. Bacon. You're thinking, what? That's weird. But seriously, I think about bacon. Growing up, when my dad was a single parent, Grampa and Gramma would watch me and my 4 biological sisters all the time. Gramma was an excellent baker and cook, and she was always serving us delicious meals and whipping up yummy treats. But when BLT's were on the menu, Grampa was ALWAYS in charge of cooking the bacon. I think part of that stemmed from the fact that he was afraid Gramma would get splattered by the grease. And he wasn't cookin' no turkey bacon - he was making the real stuff, on the stove no less. And he always was wearing a white butcher's apron while he was cooking. If we were lucky, he'd sneak us a piece or 2 before dinnertime.

3. Time heals all wounds. I know that things weren't always easy when my dad was a kid. Grampa had a few demons that he wrestled with. But it is amazing to see how gentle his heart is now, and how much he loves my dad and us grandkids.

4. When he refers to me, he always says "My Kelly". This is SO special to me because growing up, my parents never gave me a nickname. Even now, while most of my close friends and family refer to me as "Kel", my parents still just call me "Kelly". For Grampa to say "My Kelly", it gives me a sense of security that I am known and protected. It's almost as though he's echoing what the Lord says as He looks down on me. "My Kelly".

Leaving Grampa is always quite difficult, but this time was really tough. While he's mentally sharp, his body is growing tired. His eyesight is failing, and his stomach is constantly upset. He takes several naps a day, and is constantly ingesting or applying some type of medicine. Grampa's been ready to go to his eternal resting place for quite some time now, but I know whenever that time comes, it's going to be difficult for me to accept. He's my only living grandparent, so it will be strange to close the chapter on that book. When we were leaving, I stood up to hug Grampa, and he held on a little longer than usual, and pulled back to gaze into my eyes for a moment. I could see where my brown eyes came from, although his were a bit cloudy. Both of our eyes filled with tears and I whispered, "I love you Grampa. I'll see you soon."

Seth, me, & Grampa

My sister Ginny also lives up in Cleveland, so we got to spend the night at her place and hang out with her for a bit. Gin and I always have a ball together, laughing till our sides ache at everything and anything. I love that girl.

Partners in Crime

This next weekend, we'll be heading up to Oxford, OH for Sarah & Josh's wedding, and I know it'll be a great time of seeing old friends. And then a week after that we leave for none other than...::drumroll please::...MAUI!!! Yep, that's right! We're celebrating 5 years of marriage with a trip to a place that's a little piece of heaven here on earth. Other than a weekend getaway or 2, Seth and I haven't taken a trip together with just the 2 of us with intentions to spend time alone. We've traveled several times to visit family and friends, which were all great, but we are looking forward to recreating our honeymoon and experiencing some new adventures. Stay tuned for photos!

Coming to you live from "Tennessee - America at its Best."

2011-07-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

That's seriously the state slogan, I'm not kidding. I Googled it. :o) Well folks, I've finally decided to make time to blog on this hot, peaceful Sunday afternoon. Many of you have been wondering what in the world the Williamses have been up to in their new home...maybe. I don't really even know if anyone ever reads this blog (except for my lovely gal pals Andrea & Meg :o) ). But in case there are interested parties out there, here's a taste of our life in Tennessee.

Seth is working full-time as a graphic designer at Premiere Speakers Bureau in Cool Springs, TN, about 20 minutes from where we live. He works in a fancy office that has marble pillars in the foyer for a boss who does amazingly generous things for his staff, i.e. catered lunch every Friday, trips in luxurious tour buses to play laser tag, never-ending donuts and birthday cake, etc. Here's a photo that was taken of Seth for the PSB website:

I am currently working part-time at a boutique called Social Graces in Hillsboro Village. SG specializes in invitations and stationary, and we also sell a varied assortment of giftable items, i.e. books, journals, etc. Here's a photo of the store from the outside:

Initially, I had planned on transferring from my position as assistant home manager at Anthropologie in Madison, WI to a somewhat comparable position at Anthropologie here in Nashville. Unfortunately, nothing of the sort was available, and after a totally God-ordained series of events, I said my goodbyes to Anthro after a 4-year-long relationship, and started a new journey with SG. The staff is super small, which I love because it creates a more intimate vibe, and opens the doorway to building real and deep relationships with the women I work with. By the way, they're some of the sweetest women out there! Not to mention that I ironically enough worked with one of them at the Anthro in Carlsbad, CA, while the store manager of SG also worked at the same Anthro in Carlsbad even though our paths never crossed at that time. Crazy, huh? This world is a small one, I tell ya.

After many moons of living in tiny apartments (albeit our 2-bedroom duplex in Cincy), we are finally home~~owners~~renters! We are living in an area of Nashville called Crieve Hall, which is located right above Brentwood and just to the south of downtown Nash. We have the sweetest, most caring landlords, and have had such a great time decorating and settling in.

Some of the perks to renting a house vs. an apartment:

1. We were forced to purchase our own washer and dryer, which we will now have for eons to come (we hope).

2. We have a HUGE backyard! We can't wait to fill it with family and friends once the weather cools down a bit.

3. I am able to bust a move late at night without worrying about making too much noise and getting complaints from neighbors.

One of the very best things about our little home is that it is literally only 2 blocks away from our dear friends, Scott & Susy Anderson. We LOVE being able to pop over and visit them (and vice-versa), and especially being able to be more involved in the lives of their 2 boys, Blaine & Hayes (Seth is Blaine's godfather).

In other news, Bou is still as rambunctious as ever. While Seth and I were living apart, I let Bou roam free during the night instead of shutting him in the bathroom. Did I think perhaps that he would stand guard if anyone ever broke into my apartment in the middle of the night? Maybe. No. Well, maybe. Aside from that, he started routinely snuggling with me in the early hours of the morning after I fed him his breakfast. Now, he continues to do so as Seth always gets up first to shower. Oftentimes, I wake up to Seth struggling to silence his laughter as he finds Bou squished up next to me in the funniest positions.

Alright, that's it for life in Tennessee for now. Time to go rest in this wonderful AC with my hubs and Bou!

I'm not gonna lie...

2011-01-09T12:20:00.000-05:00

...things are hard right now. Not hard physically speaking - we both have jobs, we are healthy, we are being provided for. Things are hard emotionally, spiritually. I feel pretty far from God in this place where my only confidante is Seth...well, and Bou too. I talk to God pretty regularly, but still haven't seen my current prayers answered, which sometimes makes me wonder if He hears me in the first place. I mean, I know he does, but I guess sometimes I'm more like Thomas than I liked to be. I need to see it to believe it. To put my hands in His wounds to know that He is real. Sometimes I wonder if God brought us out to Wisconsin to experience a season of just us and Him. But His plan isn't working so far because I don't know where He is.

But then today in church we sang a song called "Everything" by Tim Hughes. I've heard it before, but it really sank in today because I truly do want Jesus to be my everything. And even moreso, I'm finally beginning to grasp the fact that He is IN me. He's with me all of the time because He resides IN me. He won't ever leave me or forsake me because He is a part of me.

Jesus said, "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:4-8

Jesus is already living in me, asking me to remain in Him as well.

Life Stages.

2010-11-17T19:54:00.000-05:00

Man, I feel like we're in such an interesting stage of life. Some of our friends own houses. (I'm serious. Like, they actually bought houses. They actually pay mortgages. Crazy, I know.) Some of our friends have jobs that they need to dress up for, i.e. suits and ties. We even have two friends that are in the medical field. They can actually examine certain parts of your body and diagnose illnesses, write prescriptions, etc. On top of it all...wait for it...we have friends who actually HAVE KIDS. So bizarre. We're adults. And not the "I-just-graduated-college-and-I'm-on-my-own-so-that-automatically-makes-me-a-grown-up" kind of adult. Like actual, real, full-fledged adults. The strangest part about all of it is that I find myself having adult thoughts frequently, even though when I look in the mirror I see the same girl who played the part of Patty Simcox in LWHS's "Grease" in 2001. I think things like, "Man, I am SO excited to be a mom." (What?!?!) "I can't wait to decorate our future house. One with some old charm would be nice." (Huh?!?!) "Did I fax in the form for our life insurance policies?" (Hold the phone!!!) When did this all happen? What a crazy season of life this is. And we're on the brink. We're on the brink of toppling from DINKPC (Dual Income No Kids Plus Cat) to parents (hopefully)...homeowners... This must be what our parents and grandparents meant when they say/said that they feel/felt so "young at heart". Granted, I know that we're still in great physical shape, but it's just mind-blowing to be in this season of life. In a good way.

So much has happened...

2010-10-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

...since the last time I wrote. It's always difficult to know where to pick up after you've neglected your blog for so long, so I think I'll start with the biggest development in the lives of myself and Mr. Williams. We moved. To Wisconsin. Sun Prairie, to be exact - about 10 minutes outside of Madison. And no, we didn't see this coming either. In moving back to Cincinnati, we thought we'd be staying there for a while...starting a family...buying a house. And when we envisioned moving again, it was always back to SoCal. But it turns out that the Lord had different plans for us. Most of you have heard the entire story from beginning to end, so I'll spare the details (and my fingers), and just say that it was, and still is a wild ride. The craziest part is that we were originally moving here for Seth's job, and in the midst of it all, I got the MIT (manager-in-training) position at the Madison Anthropologie (which was definitely a promotion from my former senior sales associate position). To top it all off, after about a week and a half of being here, my managers offered me ANOTHER promotion, and I'm now the new full-time, salaried Assistant Home Manager. Exactly what I would have chosen to be if I had a say in the matter. God's provision and hand has been SO extremely evident throughout this whole process. And I'm really looking forward to getting more involved at Heartland, making new friends, and building into old friendships.

Super Savings...Tuesday

2010-04-14T07:17:00.000-04:00

Well folks, I'm finally starting to get good at this! Here's my loot after a trip to CVS and Target:

And the final tally after coupons, ECBs, giftcards, & mail-in rebates (drumroll please):

$7.88!!!

Can you even believe it?!?! This is becoming quite a pastime for me.

The Cottage

2010-04-02T13:53:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry that I've been MIA for so long! Oh the busyness - how I get caught up in it! I suppose I'd normally say "such is life!", but I don't want to lean into that statement any longer. Thus, I'm dusting off the 'ole blog with this new post!

Today the weather is crazy beautiful. It's around 80° on the first of April - and no, that's not an April Fool's joke. It makes me feel more alive when the sun is shining and I can open up our windows to get a fresh breeze blowing through our house. Despite any uncertainty I'm currently facing, today I'm glad I'm alive.

Even moreso, this weather gets me SO excited about going to the cottage!!! The cottage is owned by Seth's parents and it sits on the edge of Hemlock Lake in southern Michigan. It's a place where we can relax to the max. Seriously. These are things I LOVE about going to the cottage:

running to "Strawberry Fields" by Coldplay on the backroads

playing in the lake

making & eating delicious meals (food always tastes better at the cottage)

playing cornhole

boat rides around the lake at dusk

Other things I love: laughing, not having an agenda, afternoon naps just because, making s'mores over an open fire, etc., etc. And the list could go on. Here's to hoping that we get a summer trip to the cottage on the books ASAP!!!

TTT (Terrific Target Trip)- 2.26.10.

2010-03-02T12:22:00.000-05:00

All of this for $13.76

Gotta love me some Tar-jay!!!

2010-01-13T12:01:00.000-05:00

Well folks, I made another terrific Target trip this week. I spent about $17.00, and got everything below...including the "Pursuit of Happyness" DVD, which is priced around $15.00 at your local bookstore. Let's just say I'm very pleased with my deal findings.

Another terrific Target trip

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from the Williamses!!!

2010-01-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

The Williamses - 2009

O Christmas Tree

2009-12-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

Our Christmas Tree 2009

A Terrific Target Trip

2009-11-05T08:16:00.000-05:00

This week, I made out like a bandit at Target (or Tar-jay, as my sisters and I would say)!!! I was able to make good on two deals:

1. Kellogg's cereal is on sale right now - buy 3, get 1 free. Some boxes are even priced as low as $2.66. I paired (3) $1/1 Kellogg's cereal Target coupons (I tried to use 4, but they wouldn't let me use a Target coupon on the free item) with (2) $1/1 Kellogg's Special K cereal coupons, (1) $1/1 Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites cereal coupon, and (1) $0.75/1 Kellogg's Rice Krispies cereal coupon. I spent a total of $2.49 on 4 boxes of cereal!!!

2. Target has a deal going on right now through 10.26.09 where if you purchase 5 Glade holiday candles, oil candle holders, or refills, you get a $5 Target giftcard. I had (5) B1G1 coupons where if you purchased an oil candle glass holder or tin, you got a pack of refill oil candles for free. I also had (5) $1.50/1 oil candle glass holder or tin coupons. Lastly, I had a $1/1 Glade item Target coupon from this month's Real Simple magazine. When I went through the checkout, I gave the cashier the B1G1 coupons first, and he wasn't sure how to enter those in, so he called his supervisor who was able to take care of those coupons. Then I gave the supervisor the $1.50/1 coupons, and he said that he couldn't take them because he could only take one manufacturer's coupon per item. I calmly explained that the B1G1 coupons applied to the refills, and the $1.50/1 coupons applied to the holders. He called a manager over, and I explained the same thing to her. She told me that Target's policy with B1G1 coupons is that they apply both to the item you're getting for free as well as to the item you're purchasing to get that item for free...which, in my humble opinion, makes zero sense. I stated that I was still buying the holders and tins in order to get the refills for free - just at a lower rate of $1.50 off a piece. She told me she didn't want to be the "coupon police" and would allow me to use those coupons "this one time". My cheeks were a little rosy when I left, but I ended up saving $21, spending only $4.91, and I got $10 in Target giftcards!!! I plan on doing the SC Johnson rebate 3 times over as well to get a $15 rebate and make the most of this deal!!!

The Target Trip

So, overall I spent $7.40 out-of-pocket, I received $10 in Target giftcards, and I'm going to receive a rebate of $15 from SC Johnson...so I actually MADE MONEY off of these deals!!! $17.60 to be exact!!!

A Quick (and Delicious) Interruption

2009-11-03T13:01:00.000-05:00

I know I still have one (or maybe two) more installments regarding "Things I Love About Fall", but I had to interrupt to post another recipe. This Shepherd's Pie recipe was given to me by the Palmers (love you guys!). The preparation was very minimal, and the result was amazing - and healthy too! It contains quite a bit of veggies, ground turkey (instead of red meat), and the majority of the flavor comes from rosemary and low sodium/low fat chicken broth. Delicious! Just make sure you indeed use a 10" pie pan! I only had a 9" pie pan on hand, and some of the juices spilled over into the oven...and I was too full after dinner to clean it up!

Shepherd's Pie

Things I Love About Fall - Installment #2

2009-11-02T12:04:00.000-05:00

THE FESTIVITIES.

There are ALWAYS really fun things to do outdoors in the Fall, i.e. going to pumpkin patches, going apple picking, etc. Seth and I were really excited to be back in Ohio for Fall this year because we got to experience the one-and-only Circleville Pumpkin Show. The small town of Circleville, OH devotes 4 days to this pumpkin extravaganza, and they pull out all the stops. I had gone to the CPS when I was younger, and Seth had been once before in college, but we were excited to finally be able to go together.

The crowd

The pumpkin tree

The BIGGEST pumpkin of all

The two of us, elated upon purchasing a bag of the infamous mini pumpkin donuts

Also, who doesn't love a good old-fashioned night in, carving pumpkins, roasting pumpkin seeds, and drinking apple cider (some prefer it spiced and hot; I prefer it non-spiced and cold)??? Here are this year's creations from the Williams household:

Seth's jack-o-lantern

My jack-o-lantern (yes, I used a stencil)

We had such a blast this Halloween, as it was our first Halloween where we lived in an area that trick-or-treaters came through. My sister Shelby came over, and she, Seth, and I had a great time greeting the kids and seeing all the fun costumes, while staying warm with the help of blankets and hot chocolate!

Seth excitedly awaiting the arrival of our first trick-or-treater

Me and Shelb staying warm

Last (but not least), we participated in the "BOO-rito" give-away that Chipotle was doing on Halloween. Basically, if you came dressed up as a burrito, Chipotle gives you a burrito, burrito bowl, or taco for FREE!!! We had fun with this...

Introducing the tinfoil hat, scarf...

...and diaper???

My parents also hosted a squaredance on their property this year, but we were visiting friends in San Diego when it took place. Hopefully, it will be an annual event, and we'll be able to post photos next year!

Things I Love About Fall - Installment #1

2009-10-29T02:54:00.000-04:00

THE FOOD.
Seriously, sometimes Fall food is so much better than Summer food, or Spring food for that matter. Probably because of the fact that on a chilly Fall day, there's nothing better than warm cup of something and a hot meal to come home too. Fall food does it's job - it warms you up! This past week I did something I've never done before: I meal-planned. Hence, with it being Fall and all, I'd like to share with you some of the goodies I whipped up in my own kitchen.

Elsa's Cider Beef with Cheddar Smashed Potatoes

Elsa's Cider Beef with Cheddar Smashed Potatoes - This recipe, which I got from my mom, was featured on the Rachael Ray Show (so it's online). Apparently, it is one of her mother's recipes. It's the epitome of a comfort food, and the flavor is outstanding. Apple cider and sharp cheddar cheese - great combination! This definitely got a "two-thumbs-up" from Seth, so I know I'll be making it again! (note: In the photo, the potatoes are yellow not due to butter, but due to using yellow cheddar cheese instead of white cheddar cheese.)

Southwest Chicken Soup

Southwest Chicken Soup - This recipe is great because you literally dump everything into your crockpot (which you can do the night before, and pull it out of the fridge in the morning), and when you get home from work you have a hot meal all ready to go! And you can adjust the spicy factor however you want with the salsa and Rotel. Thank you Emily for this recipe!

Ingredients:
1 lg. can fat free refried beans
1 can black beans, drained
1 can corn
1 lg. can chicken breast
1 can fat free chicken broth
1 sm. jar salsa, however hot you prefer
1 can Rotel tomatoes with or without chilies

Directions:
Combine all ingredients in a crockpot and heat through for several hours. Top it with shredded cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and/or crunched up tortilla chips and you're all set!

Holiday Babka & Banana Bread

Holiday Babka (Mother's Polish Bread) - My dad recently had surgery, and since Seth and I are on such a tight budget, I was trying to think of something I could make for him instead of purchase. My grandma (my dad's mom), who was 100% Polish, was an excellent baker and cook. Oftentimes, she would bake wonderful loaves of Polish sweet bread and bring them over to our house when my dad was a single parent and we were living in Cleveland. My dad told us that one time, my grandma brought over her bread after my sisters and I were already in bed, so he stayed up and ate AN ENTIRE LOAF with the help of a large glass of chocolate milk. Obviously he loved this bread, so I thought I'd give baking it myself a shot, even though I don't have my grandma's recipe - she never wrote anything down. I found this recipe here (note: I made it without raisins.). It didn't rise properly, so it was definitely denser than it should have been, but it was good nonetheless. Especially toasted.

Banana Bread - I made the banana bread as a back-up to the Babka, in case it didn't turn out. This recipe is quick and easy, and a great way to utilize bananas that have gotten a little too brown for your liking. While I make this banana bread all year long, it tastes especially good paired with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate on those cold Fall mornings. You can also add miniature chocolate chips (and they need to be miniature, or they'll sink) to this recipe, and have more of a dessert-type bread.

Ingredients:
3 ripe bananas
1 c. sugar
1 egg (I substitute 1/4 c. egg product or egg whites)
1 1/2 c. flour
1/4 c. butter
1 t. baking soda
1 t. salt

Directions:
Mix all ingredients together and pour into a greased bread pan. Bake at 325° for 1 hour.

ENJOY!!!