METAL INQUISITION

Dave Mustaine does a belly dance, and names his band after toothpaste.

2013-02-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

In 1989, I received a gift certificate for a record store called Bambuco, in Bogota's Unicentro shopping mall. I eagerly anticipated the day that I'd be able to use the certificate, since I was already devoting pretty much every waking moment of my day to thinking about metal bands, drawing concerts by metal bands, designing logos for metal bands and so on. This being late 80s Colombia, however, the selection of metal records at local stores was almost always limited to one Ozzy record, and maybe another by the Europe (authors of that timeless classic, the Final Countdown). With that in mind, imagine my surprise when Bambuco had a copy of Megadeth's So Far, So Good, So What on their shelves, among several copies of the latest Julio Iglesias album. Though Megadeth was didn't interest me much, the thought of being able to buy something heavier than Europe was intoxicating, so I got it. Upon taking it home, I was blown away by the speed in the opening track, but hated the whiny vocals, even then. Nevertheless, I was thrilled.

Soon after I got home and listened to the record a few times, my brother called from a friend's house. I was so excited to tell him about the record, that I made a simple mistake that continues to haunt me to this day. I told him, "I got a new record! It's awesome, but I don't know if you'll like it. It's by the band Mentadent". Yes ladies and gentlemen, in my excitement, I had neglected to realize the band's actual name, and had confused it with the brand of toothpaste that had been recently released in Colombia.

And now, to celebrate this story, I bring you this animated GIF that I put together for all of you. Enjoy it, and if you link to it, or post it somewhere, please be kind enough to credit Metal Inquisition. I mean, after all, how many blogs tell you unbelievably thrilling stories about thinking a band was named after toothpaste?

Nick Menza wipes his ass with a towel

2013-02-15T13:47:00.001-05:00

You're welcome.

My retarded metal scrapbook, part 2

2012-07-24T02:30:00.000-04:00

Here we have further proof of my self-important delusions of grandeur, circa 1992. Archived for your pleasure, numerous receipts of my musical purchases around that time, which I thoroughly believed would be displayed int he Smithsonian at one point.

Sacred Rich "Question", Rightouts Pigs "Stress Related", Brujeria 7", Misifts "Evilive", Death Kennedys "Give me Convenience"

Believer "Extraction", Broken Bones and Tankard cassettes, Slayer "Decade of Aggression", DRI "Crossover", Wehrmacht LP and Metallica "One" 45-single, Slayer cassette, and DOA cassette, Sacred Reich "Surf Nicaragua"

My retarded metal scrapbook

2012-07-16T07:30:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, when my white high-tops were high, and my mullet flowed effortlessly down the back of my neck, I honestly believed that I was destined for greatness. Considering what I wore at the time (black sweatpants, massive amounts of Brut cologne and an assortment of metal shirts), it's fair to say that the greatness I believed to be destined for lay somewhere within the musical spectrum. Perhaps—I thought—I'll get to be the drummer of one of these new death metal bands from Florida (the time being the early 90s and all). My dream was to make multiple thousands of dollars a year, and maybe get to live in the same outdoor storage facility that Chuck Schuldiner from Death lived in near my family's apartment. That, to me, would have been a great success.

Why bring this up? Why do I share my most personal dreams and aspirations? Because I recently found proof of how severe my delussions of grandeur were back then. Though the tendency that my brother and I had for archiving every receipt of every tape and album that we bought back then (starting in 1990) could simply be chalked up to our packrat/fastidous tendencies...I would now argue something else. Deep inside my head, the one with the flowing and elegant mullet, I believed that one day these would be museum pieces. Behind bullet proof glass, in temperature controlled comfort, these receipts would be displayed in the halls of the Smithsonian, or some other similarly impressive institution. Visitors would "oooh" and "ahhh" as they saw when I bought my first Sacred Reich or Kreator cassette.

That of course, was my dream.

Reality, as is often the case, is much simpler. My celebrity status never came. I never became the drummer of a famed Florida death metal band, and these receipts have yet to be accepted into the Smithsonian. As such, today they are simply what they were then. A sad and retarded metal scrapbook, which I retain to this day.

Receipts for Entombed "Crawl", Napalm Death home video, Autopsy "Fiend For Blood" EP, Broken Hope LP, Prophecy of Doom/Axegrinder split cassette, SOD album, Morgoth CD, Napalm Death's "Utopia Banished"

James Hetfield has really let himself go

2012-07-13T13:28:00.001-04:00

Metal Inquisition Archives: Lyrics

2012-02-13T05:15:00.001-05:00

Like so many of you, I too look back upon my past and cringe relentlessly. Luckily, there's few bits of evidence to prove just how much of a douche I've been for much of my life. For example, there's no proof of how I waited for three hours in the snow to meet Kurt Brecht from D.R.I. in 1991...nor is there proof of how insanely excited I was when he kindly asked me to step into the band's bus, in fear that I'd probably die of hypothermia (and that he'd be held responsible).

Every once in a while, however, I come across solid proof of my youthful stupidity. The image below is just one of those such item...which we will hereby call: Exhibt A in the trail against Klaus. What is Exhibit A you ask? Just proof that one day in 1990, I decided to write out the lyrics of the Gwar song Slaughterama with a blue felt tip marker. And then was apparently so proud of my accomplishment, that I decided to archive them for later enjoyment.

Please keep in mind that at the time, I had only moved to the United States a few months earlier, and thus didn't really speak much English at all. This will explain the awful spelling errors.

(click to enlarge)

But wait, there's more. I also found handwritten articles about Kreator, Napalm Death and Believer circa 1991. Stay tuned.

King Diamond's house

2012-01-22T10:29:00.001-05:00

Every man needs a place to hang his top hat.

Roadie for a day

2011-12-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

Britain's only Udo Dirkschneider look-alike gets a 14 year old a job working for Iron Maiden as a roadie.

Video via reader Omar

Are you or a loved one drifting toward satanism?

2011-12-02T09:24:00.002-05:00

Seriously, you better watch your use of new vocabulary.

Where would Chris Barnes buy a used Porsche?

2011-11-13T12:32:00.002-05:00

If you ever asked yourself this question (and who among us hasn't), this video will give you the answer you've been looking for:

(video via Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls)

Metal Inquisition Archives: Cassettes

2011-11-08T04:32:00.001-05:00

Anthrax Among The Living cassette, circa 1989. All writing done by my brother, except for the band logo and album name at the bottom left, which I did. Notice the droopy, downward pointing letters in the name of the album up top. A foreshadowing of where the band's career was headed, and how quickly Scott Ian would become so sad that we'd all feel bad when laughing at him. This was cassette #29 in our collection.

#13 in the collection, this tape probably dates to early 1990 or so. At some point we re-numbered the collection, which explains its lower number. Also, Side B was dubbed much later.

On side A, we have Colombian masters Kraken (see video below). Side B features Voivod's Nothingface. Next to the band's name, the name "Aaron" denotes who this was dubbed from. Aaron was a friend from the Dominican Republic. Aaron appeared to be in denial of the fact that he was black, and often made racist comments that left us all bewildered. He loved Glenn Danzig and once proudly (and very loudly) announced the following to my brother in the middle of class: "My mom said I could relax my hair and grow out my sideburns!"

Stop

2011-09-21T13:08:00.004-04:00

Yeah. Seriously. (Image courtesy of AHTBM.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

2011-08-24T11:38:00.002-04:00

Drive your co-workers craaaaaaaaaaazy!!!

Fun with Google autocomplete

2011-07-29T01:17:00.000-04:00

Cleaning out the Metal Inquisition Archives

2011-07-28T04:52:00.001-04:00

I was looking through the Metal Inquisition YouTube account, and realized that a few videos I uploaded were never published.

First up, Barney from Napalm Death showing he's got mad skillz on the mic:

This next one came from one of the many Betamax tapes that are currently housed in the Metal Inquisitions library (a shelf in my basement). It features Kirk Hammet's mustache, and other members of Metallica circa 1991 talking about their new stage set up, and how revolutionary it was. It's as though they invented the cure for polio.

Lastly, we have German (Update: I guess they are actually Swiss. I'm a poser) thrashers Coroner, talking about how innovative their music was, and then telling us super hilarious stories about how "incredibly bizarre" their bus driver is. Hold on to your hats folks, this story is absolutely zany!

Roger from accounts payable having a great time at a Manowar show

2011-07-20T01:20:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to see that Roger from the accounts payable department here at Metal Inquisition finally got to experience Manowar live. I've been telling him for years how great they are, so for me to see him let it all hang out like this brings a smile to otherwise my somber face.

Bobby Rock says: intensity is the name of the game when playing for rivetheads

2011-07-12T12:36:00.002-04:00

Listen up fools, Nitro's own Bobby Rock is gonna' tell you how it's done.

Greatest version of Venom's "Black Metal" ever played

2011-06-30T14:53:00.002-04:00

Not that Venom didn't do a great job with the original, but when this kid takes his shirt off, you know he's more committed to the song than Cronos ever was. Link courtesy of Mr Gene Hoglan's Balls.

And yet another spin-off...

2011-05-23T18:39:00.013-04:00

I started writing for Metal Inquisition about two years ago, back when posts were a little more frequent, but no less hilarious and revealing. I penned a couple posts about ‘When Weed And Metal Goes Wrong’, gave some insight about Century Media Records a couple of times, and latent homo-eroticisms in metal cover art and more…

Like Sgt D.’s infamous “Stuff You Will Hate” and also Cycling Inquisition from Klaus, there’s a new outlet to drain your time to: Cryogenic Husk - A site that explores the art of the “mixtape”. That is, songs, when compiled, organized and grouped together as a whole, take on a new (art)form in and of itself. Mixes featured here cover a wide variety of genres, themes, moods and topics – all aimed at the discovery, escapism, education/documentation, and creation of grouped music and features many musicians, bloggers and industry "experts" unique mixes.

New mixes are posted weekly, so check back often, or better yet, bookmark us or add us to your RSS feed (or just tune in via twitter (www.twitter.com/cryogenichusk) and Facebook (www.facebook.com/cryogenichusk if that's easier)

Anyway, Sgt. D has made his love for Easycore outspoken in the past and went so far as to lend his time to provide a mix that serves as a gateway for the standard metalhead to check out. Read it here, it's a killer entry point for those into metal and something I'm sure Metal Inquisition readers will dig.

There's also a recent Napalm Death mix that's focused on "Suffer The Children". Feel free to browse around, comment and whatnot. Thanks and Cheers!

Air drumming, a true story.

2011-05-10T17:38:00.005-04:00

Several years ago, fellow blogger (and Metal Inquisition founder) Mr. Gene Hoglan's Balls ended up living in the very same city that I call home. He asked me to help him move, and I happily obliged. As I was helping him move some boxes and recent Ikea purchases into his new abode, I noticed a pair of drumsticks. Since I play drums, I commented,

"Wait, I didn't know you played the drums!"

It was then that he answered in a way that only he could. He answered with a phrase that is still ringing in my head after all these years. Without any sense of irony, or seeing how this was insanely funny for an adult to be saying, he simply stated,

"I don't play, I just have those so I can air drum."

Here was an adult, a grown man, telling me that he would air drum to entire records, and did so sitting on the edge of his bed, and with drumsticks. My mind was blown. It's with that story in mind that I offer you this video.

NEWS FLASH Exodus and Kreator are, in fact, the same band!

2011-02-23T12:38:00.003-05:00

I'm almost ashamed to admit to this, but in all my extensive years listening to Exodus and Kreator (two of my favorite 80's thrash bands), I never realized that they were, in fact, the same band. I know how crazy that sounds. Some may say, "Dude, one is from California, the other from Germany!" or "I saw them live together in '88!", but I have proof that they are in fact the same band. OK, OK, maybe they just ripped each other off a lot... the proof? Exodus' Strike of the Beast and Kreator's Total Death are the same song. Don't believe me? Hit play at the same time, and be amazed, especially when Exodus get to the chorus. Go ahead, YOU be the judge.

*sK

Submitted without comment... other than: "BAD ASS!"

2011-02-04T10:54:00.001-05:00

Must see show coming soon!

2010-12-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Wait...is Iron Maiden playing? No? Oh, it's Paul Di'Anno who's playing right? No?
Oh...it's the guitar player in Paul Di'Anno's band. Got it, got it. Color me there.

Dearest Russia, please bring back communism

2010-12-07T10:19:00.007-05:00

It seems like Mother Russia’s people have a little too much time on their hands. It is bad enough that these all look kind of like women with bushy eyebrows, but to immortalize the members of W.A.S.P. on wooden nesting dolls just reeks of idle hands.

One can only hope that Will Rahmer will soon be immortalized as some sort of Precious Moments figurine.

Sadly, there is only one set to be had. Go get it now. As a goof, or course.

Celebrity apartments: Lemmy and Fenriz edition

2010-12-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

Ready? Set? Get depressed. In the video below, Mr Lemmy Kilmister gives us an exclusive tour of his apartment in the city of Los Angeles. While some of you will be stupid enough to claim that he's "keeping it real" by living in more depressing quarters than many 19 year old record store employees, I beg to differ.

If you're not fully depressed by the end of the Lemmy video, perhaps seeing Fenriz's living quarters will do the trick.