METAL INQUISITION: Where is the double bass on the drums?!

T-Pain covering Angelwitch = biggest WTF of all time!

2009-11-09T00:58:00.003-05:00

how does this even exist?

Late 90s Death Metal You May Have Slept On

2009-11-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

Remember when the internets existed, but it was hard to find anything about metal? It's hard to believe that there was in fact a time when metal nerds didn't have places like this one to argue about whether Danzig II or II is the better album, if Brutal Truth's first album is grindcore or death metal, and call Dave Mustaine an asshole.

We had to make due with anus.com, and that's a pretty poor substitute for, well, anything. As a result, a lot of good records slipped through the cracks a bit: not big enough to get much print coverage (other than Pit magazine, which fucking ruled), and without Youtube, MySpace and blogs they had few other options. I would like to do what little I can to fix this sorry state of affairs: here are some records from the late 90s that may have eluded you, but are worth checking out. For all you a-holes that think I'm a poser and I don't actually like metal, put this in your fucking beardo pipes and smoke it.

As I always mention, this isn't an MP3 blog and we like being friends with labels, so I (usually) won't include download links. That said, Google blog search is helpful if you are looking for them.

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Cinerary "Rituals of Desecration"
Let's begin with a band I've been hyping for about 7 or 8 years: the mighty CINERARY. This criminally-underrated band featured Matti Way and the drummer from Disgorge with two guys who I think were in Gorgasm and/or Cumchrist (also worth checking out). Back in 2001, guttural slam didn't exist, but this record laid the foundation for it and I am honestly surprised it doesn't get hyped more nowdays. The vocals are just completely fucking disgusting (rivaled only by Devourment, Big Chocolate, and Cephalotripsy), the drummer blasts his balls off, and the guitar sound is one of the thickest I've ever heard, making the proto-slamz especially sick pitt riffment. I have no idea what happened to this band or why they didn't blow the fuck up because this record is SICK but long out of print- grab it off Rapidshit here.

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Embalmer "There Was Blood Everywhere" 7"
Cleveland is a miserable fucking shithole, which helps explain why there were so many rad death metal bands coming out of that dump in the 90s. I lived there for a few soul-crushing years, and it made me a bitter, angry person who wants nothing more than to choke the life out of everybody on the planet. But on the bright side, I lived a block from the Phantasy and was spoiled with an abundance of metal. Usually "local band" is synonymous with "shit," but in those days a "local metal show" might include Hemdale, Odious Sanction, Apartment 213, Regurgitation, Nunslaughter, Dislimb, Integrity, and of course Embalmer.

Embalmer played a particularly downtuned, sick, yet darkly melodic brand of death metal that still sounds pretty fresh to my tired old ears (when I'm not jamming Metro Station, of course). The drummer played blast beats that were VERY, VERY fast for the time, and although they had chops the band never got into riff salad territory. New bands could learn a thing or two from the 90s Clevo bands: it's not about trying to outplay the next Guitar Center dork, it's about writing good songs that "make ppl want 2 mosh."

BTW, I don't think of this as an obscure 7" by any means, but I am also fucking old and forget that not everybody read The Wild Rag cover to cover obsessively like I did and therefore it might be new to some readers.

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Decrepit "The Wake" 7"
Skullkrusher and Andrew from Aversionline tell me that this band sucks and is even worse than Gammacide, but I think they're crazy because this 7" is sick. Like Embalmer, they had a knack for writing simple, catchy, yet very polished death metal songs that didn't feel like old school throwbacks but also weren't trying to break the conventions of the genre. In other words, they just played really fucking good, straightforward death metal. The drummer, Chris Dora, also played in Integrity for a quite a while beginning with "Humanity Is The Devil" and going up until long after I stopped paying attention to hardcore.

Peep this song and tell me you don't seriously think Gammacide is better than this band! The part at :45 has one of the longest blast beats I've ever heard, it's pretty sweet. I think they're still active, although they started playing black metal a while ago.

Decrepit on MySpace

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Deeds of Flesh "Trading Pieces" & "Gradually Melted"
In 1997 I ran into the drummer for Odious Sanction at a Hemdale show. After offering me weed (very gracious, although I was nailed to the X at the time so I passed) he gave me a dubbed cassette labeled "DEEDS" and told me it was the hot new shit. He was right, these records are masterpieces of technical, brutal death metal with some of the best drum sounds I've ever heard. Along with Internal Bleeding "Voracious Contempt," this record basically made me stop listening to hardcore for about 10 years and just sit in my room playing my Jackson Dinky Reverse trying to write sick riffs that could be in Deeds songs. Their later records are amazingly dull riff salad, but these two are classics that still hold up in the 2k9.75 for sure.

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Nunslaughter/Bloodsick split 7"
Chris Pellow is a mellow fellow who doesn't get the credit he deserves for his many musical accomplishments. He is probably best known for being the original bassist in Ringworm and Apartment 213, but has been in far too many other hardcore and metal bands for me to remember and is a really really nice dude as well. In 1997 he played in the legendary Nunslaughter and a cool band called Bloodsick, who teamed up on this obscure split. The 7" is impossible to find and has been out of print for over a decade, so cop that shit on Mediafire.

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Oppressor "Agony"
I got into this band through the drummer and bassist for Abnegation, oddly enough. They basically sound like the death metal version of Forced Entry: weird, angular riffs that are more more twisted than they sound at first blush coupled with poppy arrangements that make it very accessible for brutal death metal. Like many of the other bands in this post, I really don't understand why this album doesn't get hyped more often these days. I guess it's just a case of wrong place, wrong time?? Your lose, dickfaces, because this record is a classic and your life is incomplete unless you own it! (And yes, I do own the actual CD :P )

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Broken Hope "Loathing" & "Grotesque Blessings"
There's no doubt about it: Broken Hope's early albums fucking suck. However, they are one of the rare bands who actually got better with age- way, way better (which isn't hard considering how fucking awful "Swamped In Gore" was). I had pretty much written them off as complete crap until my friend Lee, who is a very legit shredder and death metal fan, told me that "Wolf Among Sheep" had one of the sickest riffs of all time in it. I didn't believe him, of course, because I knew them for their abyssmal earlier releases, but it turns out he was right as fuck! I wouldn't say the entire album is great, but just like Disincarnate, the whole is more than the sum of the parts. If you're into technical shit that's not totally gay, give this a shot.

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Disgorge "Cranial Impalement"
I bought this for $.10 at Record Exchange with Mike Joachum, who has played guitar for many of the later Integrity lineups along with his little brother Nate. Please don't bother shit talking new Integrity because those dudes fucking rule it. Anyway, Mike was like "Dude look at this cover, it's hilarious!" I agreed, noticed it was 10 cents, and picked it up. We brought it home and he was super bummed he didn't buy it because the first song is one of the finest pieces of guttural death metal I've ever heard to this day: the vocals are sick as fuck, very catchy but complex and brutal riffing, and extremely tasty drumming (check out the accents on the bell of his ride). Their later albums are ok, but much closer to riff salad than this one. So if you wrote them off based on newer output, do yourself a favor and cop "Cranial Impalement"!

What did I miss? What late 90s death metal did you jam before MySpace existed? Do you know Mike and Nate from Integs?

Halloween

2009-10-30T01:19:00.001-04:00

Dressing up as a black metal douche for halloween? I know what you're thinking "Nicolas Cage's son has now been doing it year-round for some time now!" Well, you're partially right...but that doesn't negate the appeal that such a costume may have for the masses. As such, I now introduce you all to the first official black metal costume ever (I think), as seen at a local costume shop by close friend of the blog (sup Marns!).

Yes, it's true. You can even buy it at Target.

In honor of halloween, please check out these two clips from Metal Inquisition's favorite zombie movie ever...death metal zombies. See them here, and here.

RIP, Chuck Biscuits

2009-10-29T11:44:00.021-04:00

UPDATE: So apparently this was all an elaborate internet hoax and Chuck is alive and well. I hope they find whoever is responsible and have him/her hung, drawn, and quartered. Now go enjoy some Boo Berry and remember--don't believe everything you read on the internet!

Metal brothers and sisters, we've lost one of our own. The devil himself, in the form of throat cancer, has taken one of our most beautiful angels. Chuck Biscuits, one of the sickest drummers, doodlers, and cereal collectors to ever live has died.

The word "legend" gets tossed around far too often these days, but Chuck is more than deserving of the title. Chuck first burst onto the scene with Vancouver hardcore legends D.O.A. before doing a short stint with Black Flag and recording the legendary 1982 Demos. He went on to join the Circle Jerks and in 1987 joined the band for which he is best known--Danzig. He recorded four of the greatest albums ever made with the classic Danzig lineup of Glen Danzig, John Christ, and Eerie Von. He is also featured in the two Danzig home videos, each of which I've watched approximately 100 times. He wasn't the fanciest or the flashiest drummer, but he was rock solid. He was tight, fast, and hit hard as fuck. His playing is instantly recognizable and he's influenced an entire generation of drummers, but there will never be another like him. Rest in peace, Chuck. You are gone, but you will live on forever in our hearts.

I'm starting a band

2009-10-27T01:10:00.001-04:00

Back when I played in a band (early to mid 90s) finding members to join in your musical escapades was difficult. More often than not, my brother and I simply reached out to people we already knew, and asked them to join our amazing musical projects. This is the relationship equivalent of dating your friends. We never opted for the equivalent of a personals ad (which would be a listing in a local paper, or the dreaded flyer at the guitar shop). Today, pretty much everything has changed by virtue of the darned interweb. Through Facebook, Craigslist, eHarmony and J-Date...people all over the world are gettin' it on with amazing efficiency. Since I always dream of starting a sweet band, I've chosen to use the interweb as my shopping tool, in order to find the ideal members for my new side project. What do you think?

Okay, so he flubs a few notes, and has one of the chords wrong on the main riff...but check out his commitment to the tune. I mean, the guy has an Ipod on a strap strictly for the purposes of practicing. I think he'd be a great addition.

This guy is a winner all the way. Rumor has it, he can crabwalk even better than Robert Trujillo, and he can do so in 7" heels. Beat that!

This girl is proof that the level of musicianship amongst today's youngsters has risen so far it's not even funny. When I was in a grindcore band, anyone who could play a simple blast beat for about ten seconds, or do pinch harmonics was a god. Jesus, times have changed.

Being gay AND Filipino must be super hard...just ask Kirk Hammett, he's already lost most of his hair due to the stress of living that way.

Portal Just Released the Best Metal Album of 2009

2009-10-23T11:48:00.005-04:00

If you're a regular reader of this blog then you've probably realized by now that we're not exactly huge fans of contemporary music. With the exception of Sergeant D most of us here at Metal Inquisition stopped caring about new music right around the time Danzig released Blackacidevil. The fact of the matter is that, for the most part, new music--in particular new metal--sucks. I've tried to keep up with some of my favorite older bands and check out new ones, but nine times out of ten it leads to nothing but disappointment. It's for this simple reason that you're most likely to catch Lucho and I fighting over the ipod in his BMW with him wanting to listen to Steely Dan and me wanting to listen to Skrewdriver. From time to time, however, to my complete and total amazement a new band will come along and blow my mind to pieces. The most recent example of this that I can think of is the Australian black/death metal hybrid mindfuck that is Portal. They released their first album back in 2003 and have since then released two more albums, each better than the last, which leads me to their most recent album and masterpiece, Swarth, which was just released earlier this week by Profound Lore.

Maybe my expectations are just incredibly low now because of how shitty most new metal albums are, but of the handful of new albums I've heard this year Swarth is far and away the best. I haven't been this excited about a new album since Decrepit Birth's Diminishing Between Worlds, and I think Swarth might even end up surpassing that album's awesomeness. I'm not a poet, but I'll do my best to describe the music on Swarth--it's bleak, dense, twisted, and fucking heavy. It's one of the most unique and legitimately unsettling records I've heard in a long, long time. You can barely even make out what's going on musically; it's a whirlwind of sound threatening to collapse at any moment, but Portal somehow manages to hold it together long enough to create this ferocious and suffocating wall of sound that relentlessly marches on for a solid forty minutes. Words fail me at a time like this so if you've been as bored with recent metal releases as I've been then I highly suggest checking out Swarth and Portal's two previous albums.

Oh, and in case you've never seen what Portal looks like here's a couple of photos to pique your interest.

Cancer: Never funny, except when it involves metal

2009-10-22T02:14:00.005-04:00

If you are a decent human being, you say stuff like "Look, I have a great sense of humor, but some things just aren't funny. For example, I really didn't appreciate it when Guttermouth made fun of Siberian-American Huskies. How insensitive!! Another thing that's simply off-limits is cancer. This terrible disease kills over 500,000 Americans every year, and I can't think of anything worse than trivializing the impact it has on our way of life- not just as Americans, but as human beings! How dare you mock me for calling off of work on Tuesday to get an anal cancer exam!!"

Fortunately for you, I am only a marginally decent human being, so I present to you a video in which Peter Criss reveals that he had BREAST CANCER lolololololol!!! It's almost as funny as Seth Putman's sidesplitting overdose/suicide fail a few years back!

Anyway, enjoy- and here's hoping Gene Simmons gets struck by lighting!

Nocturnus/Morbid Angel/After Death's Mike Browning

2009-10-19T00:18:00.001-04:00

Mike Browning is a good poser test: Anybody who knows their shit will quickly tell you about Mike's role in shaping early Florida death metal. A founding member of Morbid Angel, he made his biggest contribution with Nocturnus. We make a lot of Nocturnus jokes, but trust me that we are all huge Nocturnus fans. I first heard them in 1991 or so on the legendary Earche comp "Grindcrusher" when their track "BC/AD" completely blew me away. I stuck with them and became a huge fan by the time I was out of high school. Lucho, Krusher, Awakening, me, and the other kids in our circle of weirdos who grew up listening to Youth of Today and Terrorizer literally talked about Nocurnus for fucking hours when we hung out. In particular I remember around 97 or 98, me and this one dude Vince (where are you broseph??) geeking out on "The Key"and making "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" noises at each other like the the keyboards on "Lake of Fire."

In contrast to many of his contemporaries (for instance the other dudes from Morbid Angel), who are complete fucking wingnuts, Mike seems like a cool, down-to-earth guy that doesn't take himself too seriously. That's a welcome change of pace, since there are way too many people who were in far less important bands who have their head completely up their own ass.

Washed up a-hole: "Do you know who I am?!?! I played bass in ROTTREVORE, you insolent fuck! Now kiss my pinkie and I'll forgive you."
Guy he is talking to: "Uh.... welcome to Olive Garden. How many people in your party?"

You don't hear his name nearly as much as you should these days, so we are super stoked to have Mike on Metal Inquisition!

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"BC/AD": Before Christ - I ruled the land! After death - I will rule once again!!

You made quite a mark on the death metal landscape in the 90s, but many of us lost track of you after that. What are you up to these days, both musically and otherwise? What do you do for a living?
Right now my band After Death is mixing a bunch of new songs we just recorded. There are 5 new songs and we rerecorded one off of our last Retronomicon CD and just for the fuck of it we recorded 2 old Morbid Angel songs Chapel of Ghouls(with The Invocation) and Angel of Disease from the Abominations of Desolation album, close to how they were done back in 1986, but still with some new elements as well. The last time we recorded was back in 2006, so we are way past due for some new material to be released! We also did a tour last October of Europe as After Death playing Nocturnus songs from The Key, which went over pretty well, so we may do that again sometime soon. Other than that I just work a regular day job for the water department in Tampa and work on my newest project a 1957 Chevy Bel Air that has become a fucking money pit, but it does haul ass!

Nocturnus was pretty out there for the early 90s. How did people react when you first came out? How does that differ from how people would react now, in a world where we've heard enough blast beats and sweep picking to sink a battleship?
The reactions were pretty good actually. I think because of The Science of Horror demo being heavier and less technical than The Key was, helped us to kind of break into a new style of death metal without going to far over the people's heads. But yeah today we might just have been the band of the week for the fucking sheeple that say they are death metal fans! Peoples attention spans these days are about as long as their dicks! And their attitudes are bigger!!!

OK, so maybe Mike is a little weird. But it could be a zillion times weirder/more embarrassing- just ask Evil D.

Are you familiar with the popular death metal band Nile? They have a lot of songs about having sex with mummies, pet sphinxes, and other weird Egyptian stuff. You had a mummy on the cover of your 7" many years before Nile came out, how do you feel about them stealing your gimmick?
Well we did use some Egyptian themes way before Nile, but actually I didn't play on that 7" you mentioned, that was after I left the band. My band After Death does a lot more Egyptian themed music now, but we don't sound anything like Nile. Our style of lyrics is also more about the magick and rituals that the Ancient Egyptians used. And we have a full time keyboard player, so we can make the whole song have more atmosphere instead of just an intro.

Classic, hilarious Nocturnus segment from "Hard N Heavy Grindcore" video. I love the part where the keyboardist talks about "thrashing where he's at" (1:20) and at 2:15 where they give advice to young bands who are thinking about moving to Florida to be closer to the epicenter of the scene.

Aside from mummies, Nocturnus' lyrics referenced all kinds of crazy shit like crystal balls, spaceships, droids, and so forth. Where did you come up with that stuff? Specifically, can you tell me what "Enter The Droids" is about?
In the beginning Nocturnus was mostly occult oriented lyrics, but when Mike Davis joined the band and started writing and had some lyrical ideas it turned more into sci-fi type stuff, so I mixed his ideas with mine and it came out to be some pretty crazy shit that I ended up writing about. The Key was pretty much a concept album about a guy going back in time and destroying Jesus Christ and taking over the world with future technology that he brought back with him.

"It was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found 'The Key' that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work"

It didn't really start as a concept album though, but as we kept writing songs they started to fit together like a puzzle and kind of ended up as a story, but each song could still stand on it's own. Enter The Droids was the part of the story where alien droid ships started attacking the Earth and the main character retreated to a cave where he built the time machine and it was in one of the crashed alien ships that he found "The Key" that was the finishing piece to make his time machine work.

Lord Browning sits atop his throne while he prepares a fiendish scheme to rape himself once he has his time machine back (it's been kind of sputtering lately when idling, probably just the O2 sensor)

Here on Metal Inquisition, we like to joke about "the Nocturnus time machine." For example, we have a whole section dedicated to "things I would destroy if I had access to the Nocturnus time machine." We also came up with a concept for scale models of the time machine. What would you do if you actually had access to the time machine you wrote about on "The Key"? I think I would go back in time to when I was a child and rape myself.
Man do you want me to make a fucking list or what!!! Hell there are tons of things I would go back and change if I had a time machine, especially some of the chicks I have met and had relationships with, that would probably be first on my list!!! I think some sweet revenge would be nice too for people that have wronged me, that's always nice to think about as well!!!

But why rape yourself when you can go back a bit farther and rape your mom and actually create yourself by raping your mom, now that's a fucking idea there!!! Maybe that will be my next concept album, so don't go stealing my idea like everyone else does!

If you were 20 years old today and starting a band, what would it sound like? What would your personal brand be?
I think I would have to say it might sound like After Death does now, pretty much I have always wanted to do atmospheric sounding occult metal! But if I was 20 again I don't know if I would have the discipline for it the way the world is today, but I would probably still make the same stupid mistakes anyway because I haven't changed much since then.

All goes well until :45 or so, then oh boy... the wheels fall right off the wagon. Then at 1:35 he starts talking about his Quake clan and you just want to hide out of vicarious embarrassment.

You know the guys in Morbid Angel well, right? Please watch this video of Trey Azagthoth hosting "Headbanger's Ball" and tell us what you think is going through his head. Other than, "I feel like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet."
What's funny is I knew Trey was going to be on Headbanger's Ball, so I actually saw that episode when it first aired and from knowing him all these years it was pretty much exactly what I expected to happen!!! I doubt he will ever try that one again!!!

Back in the day, it was mindblowing for someone to be able to play a blast beat, double bass, or tremolo riff at all. In retrospect, most of the musicianship was pretty amateurish by today's standards. As someone who was in one of the most technical, innovative bands of the 90s, how does it make you feel that these days every 16 year-old asshole kid can play sick blasts, sweep picked arpeggios, and 250 bpm double bass when people like you struggled so hard at pioneering these techniques?
It is all pretty relative because back then people thought that what we were doing was mind blowing and now I see these kids playing twice as fast and not even breaking a sweat. I think because the kids these days are brought up on this stuff and didn't have to progress into it or create it, that they come from a different mindset. Only problem is not a one of them have any originality, they all want and do sound like someone else and even worse is they want to be that way! There is no more originality anymore, so maybe it all has been done!

Can you imagine how amazing it would be to live next to this, then find out it belonged to Mike Browning?! My mind would explode, like if I saw Glen Benton buying Little League outfits for his kids.

When I listen to Nocturnus, I always have a visual in my head to go along with the song. For example, "Empire of The Sands" reminds me of the Jawas in "Star Wars." Did you have any visuals in mind when you were writing them? If so, share the one that you think would be most surprising to us.
The whole goal of Nocturnus was to create an atmosphere with the music and lyrics together and this has always been what I would consider success over making money, not that making money is bad, but to me this is the greatest compliment someone can say about my music. When I write the lyrics, usually the whole idea pops into my head with a title that sums it up and I have a visual of the whole song like a movie playing out inside my head so at that point the lyrics start flowing sometimes so fast I can hardly write them down before I forget them. I usually have to find a paper and pen right away and end up writing the whole song in less than 10 minutes!

"I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last"

I would say as far as Nocturnus it would probably be Destroying The Manger, where I see this guy kicking the stable door down wearing some kind of a futuristic space suit and just blasting away Joseph, Mary and the 3 wise men and then saving the baby Jesus in his little manger for last as he starts laughing hysterically maybe with a cigar in his mouth like a true superhero would and just blasts the whole manger to smithereens!!! It would make a great movie don't ya think!!!

This song is the origin of the "Nocturnus time machine" meme:

ENTER THE DROIDS / Cybernetic cralts approaching / Through skies lit with fusion discharge / Androids from the gamma quadrant / Moving at the speed of death / Now the human race is so vulnerable / Invasion set for attack / "Enter the Droids" / Command-Mission-Destroy-Planet-Three-From-Their sun / Caught within my tractor beam / Bringing the craft to me / Disable the robot for my own use / to aid my escape / Fleets of ships are now arriving,overtaking / Physical evasion is my only demise / Left to me for my survival / Gaining data from their system,overriding / To complete my invention,the time machine / Only question is"will it function"?

Pretend you get to write the metal history books. What would you like people to remember about you and your work?
Well I have never claimed to be some kind of an amazing musician, so more than anything I would want to be remembered as the one and only Mike Browning!

More info: After Death on MySpace, Mike Browning's MySpace, Nocturnus on Encyclopaedia Metallum. Also check out this 2008 interview with Mike courtesy of I Could Die Tomorrow. After Death is currently finishing up a new album, which we'll post about when it's done- stay tuned.

Big Chocolate blast beats his way into the hearts of the world

2009-10-16T02:03:00.004-04:00

Cameron Argon, better known as Big Chocolate, is the brains behind Disfiguring The Goddess, as well as a whole bunch of other projects that he will explain below. Aside from being quit arguable the best guttural death metal vocalist on the face of the planet, he honestly seems like a really good, sweet dude in a way that you just don't see very often in metal (unless it's, you know... on Solid State). Definitely check him out on Myspace and Youtube, whether you need him to fill on for DJ AM in your Crazy Town cover or produce the next hella mass tight wigger slam joint for you and your crew. No homo, but I really, really appreciate coming across someone who can make the most brutal, crushing guttural slamz on Earth yet hasn't had their spirits crushing by life along the way After all, I'm betting 0/2 on those counts!

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In his debut video, Big C brings CRUSHING SLAMZ- but more importantly also really, really good songwriting, which I think is lost on many viewers

For any of our readers who are unfortunate enough not to be familiar with you and your work, please introduce yourself in whatever way you would like. Since I'm almost twice your age, does this interview feel like you are being cornered by your "cool uncle" at a family gathering? Don't worry, I won't tell you about how "I'm into that shit too" and start talking to you about how I listened to White Zombie in high school as proof.
Of course mate. Well, my name is Cameron Argon and I just turned 19. Big Chocolate is the name I use for my music. It’s kinda a joke name... no real meaning behind it, but I do love good chocolate.

Not at all, I’m pretty real with all ages... and I currently live with one of my Uncles so... uncle figures are like.... My key strong point.... (Sarcasm)

Aside from your various music projects, what are you doing with yourself these days? You graduated from high school in 2008, right? What do you see yourself doing for a career?
2009. I’m a freshmen in comminity colledge because I was too focused on making music in high school and not enough on learning my chemistry vocab to pull a GPA high enough to get into out of state school. Haha! I’m studying criminal justice because It’s a real hands on field, and that’s where i’m more interested. I’m doing it basically as a fall back plan if I can’t support myself though music later in life. I think being on a S.W.A.T. team would be pretty dream like for me also, always been a big fan of guns.

Cam and his prom date. I hate him so, so much.

It seems like being an 18 year-old kid who's way into death metal is working out pretty well for you! When I was an 18 year-old kid who was way into death metal, it mostly meant that I spent Saturday nights sitting at my parents' house by myself playing Super Metroid and listening to Napalm Death. On the other hand, you not only went to prom, but took a super cute girl; you've been to Russia to play with Abominable Putridity, and have many fans on the internets- for example this little hottie who left you a "marry me" comment. What the fuck is up with that?! I hate you.

Haha! it’s not like I was any different. Couple buddies and a good ol scary horror video game was pretty typical during high school. I never really got into high school drama or partying so it was either kicking back with some friends or making music in my room. My senior year I got some decks and starting Djing parties, that was a TON of fun because I was able to go to parties and not feel like I was wasting my time because I was making music and entertaining. I never really liked High School events too much, but I was pretty friendly and a constant “go-getter”. I won homecoming king, but didn’t go to the dance afterwards. I was pretty impressed with myself about my date because I didn’t know how I pulled that off. Haha!

Bro, if you aren't gonna hit that, send her my way. I will show her what's up.

Russia, was the most intense time of my life. The whole trip was so surreal to me, I couldn’t believe I was in russia to play music. Dream come true. My Mom almost died from worrying too much, but still, best thing to ever happen to me. Hahaha!!!! DoN’t H8 ThE pLayA H8 tHe GaMe!!

Hard to argue with this!

I feel like I have no idea what Kids These Days are into, and if *I* don't, then I am 10000% certain that none of the other old people who read our blog do either. What are some of your favorite bands, either those who influence you as a musician or otherwise? Were you ever into punk or hardcore? Just out of curiosity, tell me three bands that best embody "punk" to you.
Some of my favorite bands and musicians are The Police, Moby, Hate Eternal, Radiohead, Bjork, Devourment, and a few others. I draw a lot of influence from these bands and plenty others as well as the motivation fans, friends, and family give me. And you can’t mention motivation with out mentioning Leroy Smith, The Motivator or Michael Jordan. I listened to punk for a while, I mostly listened to the crust/grind/powerviolence side of it though, a lot of resistant culture, witch hunt, phobia, dystopia, phobia.

I listen to more of the thrash/hardcore compared to the beatdown xhardcorex. Bands that best embody “punk” to me are defiantly not rancid, sex pistols, and nofx. Punks one of those things where it should be kept underground, and if it isn’t, it’s not punk. BUT OH WELL. I don’t really care to much about all that jazz or being “punk as fuck”.

DJ AM ain't got shit on his steez

Most of us know you for your various metal projects, but you are something of a slam wigger Renaissance man: you also make beats, wreck shit on the wheels of steel, and record bands. How did you end up getting into hip hop, and how does that fit into the Big Chocolate "things that I spend my time on" mix? What do people in the metal scene think of your b-boy alter ego?
Beats are pretty fun, I don’t make them as much as I used to, but it’s a way to connect with other musicians and expand boundaries. I’ve worked with far more hip hop artist than I have with death metal bands. I really like a few underground acts, but i’m not like the guru on underground hip hop.... Yadda ming? Underground is usually better than the mainstream because it’s almost always 100% for the music. When artist get signed, they start changing their sound for the labels. Of course that’s not always the case though. Prime example of a label puppet, Lil wayne. I won’t name any Death Metal puppets because i’m not that kinda guy. I don’t really care what other people think, I do it for fun and for me.

YOURE FUCKING MOSHING!! or posing.

You have heard the term "wigger slam" before as a way of describing bands like Infernal Revulsion, Soils of Fate, Disconformity, and of course Abominable Putridity. What are your thoughts on this term? What is the most wiggerish thing about the guys in Abominable Putridity? Do they prefer to be called "riggers"?
I think it’s a pretty funny term. I usually use the term “Bro” instead though, haha! A “bro” is more classifiable by attitude over look though for me. In Russia, they call bro’s “Beadlow” Of course it’s not spelt like that, but that’s how it sounds. So every scene has it’s hand full of “bros” The guys in AP were not really stereotypical at all. Pretty normal dudes, didn’t really dress to fit any kind of look. Andrew had some pretty cool tattoos but that’s kinda it. I’m a huge Disconformity fan, straight forward brutal slams.

I remember a time when I had vitality and vigor like this young man. Each year since then I've gotten a little more bitter, a touch angrier, and my heart has grown just a bit colder. For him to meet someone like me must be like when I looked into the eyes of a concentration camp survivor in 8th grade and saw his shattered soul. Or in Cameron's case, he can tell I saw Incantation 400 times in the late 90s, which is roughly the same as surviving Auschwitz.

I showed some of your videos to this indie girl I know, and she pointed out that you smile and laugh a lot in them. You seem to be having a lot of fun with this, which is awesome because it should be fun. Why are metal fans so fucking serious all the time? Will you your youthful enthusiasm for life be snuffed out like mine was by years of crushing disappointments, heartbreak, and humiliation, or will your comfortable upper middle class upbringing keep you safe from that?
I do music for one reason: It’s fun. I have no idea why metal fans are always so serous. Haha, no I don’t think i’ll ever loose it. I try to keep a good straight head and a good attitude about life. I’m pretty stoic in my view points but keeping a good friendly mindset.

Ahhhh... There's nothing like Disfiguring the Goddess to remind you what mornings are all about. Made with only organic, free range guttural slamz, DTG brings the whole family together. It's not just a band, it's memories that will never leave!

On that note, please read our post about "regretcore" and share your thoughts. What do you think your life will be like when you're 31? As someone who seems like a stable, solid dude, what advice do you have for people like me and my friends who clearly have limited life skills? When you read the lyrics to a song like "One With The Underdogs" by Terror, what goes through your head?
Haha, I think a better term for Regretcore is growing up. When i’m 31... I’ll hopefully be doing something I love doing and passionate about. I’d be cool to have wife that I trust and love and a few little camerons running around... But that’s what everyone kinda shoots for. I don’t know, I’d rather play out my life and live in today rather in tomorrow or yesterday. Perfect life motto: Do what you love, love what you do. Well the lyrics are pretty straight forward. He didn’t have the best upbringing. but he realizes it and beat it.

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Cam's sister falls prey to a cruel trick!

I think it's pretty awesome that you seem to get along well with your family. One of your videos that I like best is the one where you scare your sister, then your mom comes and yells at you. It's legitimately, non-ironically cute! In the comments, some dickbag said "Who are those dousches that come in and yell at you," and you replied "those "dousches" are my parents.. asshole... " I don't mean to get too personal, but how do your parents feel about all your musical projects given that they seem pretty normal and you do shit that is extreme even by the standards of underground metal? Many people say that one of the defining characteristics of your generation is that you are "friends with your parents" in a way that is definitely not true of Gen X- do you think that's accurate?
Family first, than friends, than... relationship problems. My family means a lot to me and we are pretty dang close. Oh man, funny story about that video. It was on thanksgiving and everyone was getting ready. It takes me like 4 minutes to get ready after i’ve showered, I put on a shirt and a button down. So I was bored and trying to trick my mom with the maze game and film her with built in camera on my computer. Buuuut my determined sister wanted to give it her best. (she’s the kinda girl who takes on any challenge, and gets unreal scores on pocket games like solitaire). Me scaring her pretty much ruined our thanksgiving because of the awkward tensions between me and my sister, little did anyone know... I filmed it and uploaded it to youtube and families across the world were watching her get scared.

Family members on Facebook =always funnt

She came home to her myspace covered in comments with people telling her that her video was so funny.... Ohhhh man. Sooo funny. They show a great deal of support, they like my “Efficient” project much more than my Death Metal though. haha! ehhh, yes and no... I have friends who are best friends with their parents and friends who completely hate their parents.

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WTF is this business?
Haha! Some fellers that have some huge problem with me. The videos and myspace of those guys are pretty funny, like they really go a longgggg ways to show how much they disagree with everything I can ever do. I could understand being called out by like... a big time guy in the business, but he would just be an asshole then... calling out people making who are just making music... These guys just kinda creep me out from time to time with their obsessive negative reaction to me. I’d put my skills against theirs any day.

At first I thought this was a good-natured joke, but the more I watched, the more I thought "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is REALLY WEIRD"

I write a lot about scene kids, which makes our readers angry and confused because unlike me, they are threatened by new things. I think one of the things that's hardest for them to digest is that scene culture is such a disparate mishmash of references from other subcultures, but done in a way that's completely effortless and authentic. For example, BrokeNCYDE draw from crunk rap, screamo, trance, and deathcore, to which old people reply "Wait, wait- you can't do THAT!!" Or how scene kids wear Hollister like it's their job- that seems insane to people who grew up in a time where wearing a mainstream brand like that would be considered treason if you listened to metal or hardcore. You're another example in that you play some of the most ass-raping slam metal on the planet, yet wear non-ironic Wu Tang shirts, spin drum-n-bass, and went to prom with a hot girl. What does this all mean? Is everybody in your generation a walking mashup or what? Why are old people like me so confused and upset by this?
HAHAHAHAHA!! so happy you brought up BrokeNCYDE. My buddy and I made a joke/mocking project called The Mercury Drug where we use auto tune, talk about sluts, use hardstyle breakdowns and continue with silly outfits. I just do whatever I want. I don’t really like fallowing fads or clicks. I just do what I want to do, I play what I want to play, I dress how I want to dress. I’m pretty “whatevs” on the whole subject.

The latest music video from The Acacia Strain

Finally, we would like your help deciding which of these bands is the biggest bunch of wiggers. Please watch the following videos and give us your thoughts on eacg in a couple sentences, then choose one "winner."

Fury of V "Do Or Die"
Hahahaha!!!!! “Lolocaust”

Despised Icon "Day of Mourning"
I miss the healing process...

Mordred "Every Day's A Holiday"
What the heck?... No seriously... CrAzY bReAkS from the random Run-DMC cat... Not really.

Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
Life ain’t nothing but bitches an money.....uh... Wait.... Never mind, Lets go cleanse azeroth of orcs with an double sided two handed axe (+ 22 to Agility; +4 Deffense; 2% chance to cast Thunder Bolt) (...?)

Downset "Downset"
Thug life? No, wait???... Whaaatt.......?

The winner is Rehh Dog “Why Must I Cry”

Thanks for your time! Please add/plug/say anything else you would like to add! Oh, one last question: Why don't you wear a puffy vest like Johnny Plague??
Sorry if I have bad grammer, I didn’t reread what I’ve written... Thanks for the intie and thanks for the support mate!

And I have no idea... i’d probably feel goofy.

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Disfiguring the Goddess
Big Chocolate Productions
Efficient
The Mercury Drug

Introducing: Budget Italian Power Metal

2009-10-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

A gregarious bunch of leather daddies or a budget Italian power metal band? You decide!

I know that making fun of Italian metal is easy. It's like when the two inbred main characters have sex with the retarded girl in Gummo. It's almost too easy, but I just can't help myself. See, a while back the Sarge introduced us to the world of budget slam metal, perhaps best exemplified by Artery Eruption, and now I'd like to introduce you to the kings of budget Italian power metal--Kaledon. These Roman warriors have displayed an undying allegiance to all things lo-fi and low-budget that has left them unchallenged atop the steaming pile of shit that is budget Italian power metal.

Here we see the crowd (all two of them) going wild as Kaledon performs their smash hit "Spirit of the Dragon." A force of nature, Kaledon is best experienced live as the sheer sonic force of their performances have been credited with causing at least a half dozen suicides across the Lazio region.

This reminds me of the kind of picture I would expect to see hanging up in the dining room of any number of my Italian family members. You see Italian dining rooms are not actually meant for dining, they're more for show. That's where you display all the wonderful useless shit you got at your wedding 30 years ago like your gigantic china closet filled with fine china you never use--you know, the good stuff--along with your crystal and your special silverware (the kind that's actually made of silver). You'll usually also find an enormous dining table covered in a gawdy white lace tablecloth some grandmother spent a lifetime making. If your Italian family is anything like mine then the dining table chairs are probably hermetically sealed in plastic and will never be exposed to the elements. And no matter how big of a loser he may be, an Italian mother will always be proud of her son because he is her pride and joy and so she will have several photo albums worth of embarassing pictures of him and she will gladly display a picture from his first communion right next to the picture he took with his friends out near the Roman Aqueduct while dressed like a gang of child molesting Renaissance fairies in a gigantic gold plated frame. Mama is especially proud of that 12 inch boner you're smuggling in your leather pants.

More often than not "serious musicians" are all business, but not the ragazzi of Kaledon! It's refreshing to see that the boys can just as easily spend a day relaxing in the studio, joking around and having a good time instead of spending hours carefully trimming their facial hair while their little sister repeatedly bangs on the bathroom door because she has to pee and dad yells to finish jerking off and get out of the bathroom because he has to take a shit.

One thing you could never accuse Kaledon of doing is progressing. Just look at the cover of their debut album, Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 1: The Destruction.

Now take a look at the cover of their most recent album, 2008's Legend of the Forgotten Reign - Chapter 5: A New Era Begins.

From the unforgettable amateur paintbrush to the utterly forgettable amateur computer illustration, Kaledon is never content to rest on their laurels. They've never let their complete and utter lack of talent stop them before so why start now?

I'd like to leave you with what I think is the most compelling piece of evidence in the case for Kaledon's budget Italian power metal supremacy--the music video for their hit single "The New Kingdom." I could spend days tearing apart every frame, but instead let me just point out how proud they are of their packages as we once again see a band member proudly displaying his manhood in his way-too-tight white linen pants. It's impossible not to notice the tremendously low production values of this video, but it's obvious that the men of Kaledon make up for what they lack financially with their boundless enthusiasm for their horrible music. It's hard not to admire that kind of dedication. Against all odds and good sense, Kaledon endures and to that I must say--forza, Kaledon!

As an added bonus for our Italian speaking readers enjoy this equally retarded parody video:

Black metal truth > Black metal fiction

2009-10-12T01:00:00.005-04:00

It’s always easy to make fun of black metal, especially here on Metal Inquisition. When truth is stranger than fiction, it always hits harder when any satirical, sarcastic or cynical blogger presents cold, hard facts in place of any clever hyperbole. So, in an effort to bridge both the worlds of humor and reality I hit up Ula Gehert with some questions.

In case you don’t know who Ula is, let me give you the quick and skinny. Besides being an awesome human being, Ula has cut his teeth on some serious metal for years. Regarded as one the few honest and dedicated devotees of metal working in the business, he joined the ranks of Century Media Records back in the summer of ’94, this after extensive metal fandom that’ll make you’re head spin – read on for proof. He’s spent some serious time at the CM U.S. office before heading over seas to spearhead metal on European shores out of the CM German office.

One tiny, highly specialized niche Ula bore witness to – and helped mold – was Century Black, which was Century Media’s grab for black metal glory around the mid-late 90s. Although short lived, I’ve always viewed it as an unsung player in the proliferation of black metal, for better or worse, around the globe. (Sorry for the length, besides being a metal dork, I'm also a metal fan. Thanks for indulging me...)

So how did Century Black come about?

Ula: The credit for that comes down to Rayshele Teige, who was doing promotion for Century Media at the time and who was the person responsible for pushing Robert Kampf (one of the owners of CM) to do a black metal imprint, and she first started by pushing him to release the Mayhem album "De Mysteriis...". A good choice, to be sure, and it took a while to get out in the States because of delays getting things going, getting permission from Voices Of Wonder and working out the licensing details, etc., but she really pushed to make that happen and it worked. Not long after that she got Robert to release the Arcturus debut full-length "Aspera Hiems Simfonia", and so they worked out that licensing deal too.

(No joke, Century Media Record's entry on Wikipedia calls their Century Black imprint the 'Miramax Films of black metal...' I wish I could take credit for that analogy.)

Rayshele was really the driving force behind the black metal titles, and I think she coined the label imprint name as well. Once the floodgates started opening, so to speak, with so many titles being made available for licensing in the States, since so many albums were released in Europe only back then, it just took a life of its own.

Can you explain the state of Century Media at the time? From what I hear, around 96/97 – the main time of ‘Century Black’ - it was pretty bare as bones.

Ula: It was definitely bare bones. I started with CM in the summer of '94 and it was about seven other people working there in the US. The office was on Lincoln Blvd. in Santa Monica, in a pretty drab office space. There was one of the owners working there, the accountant, a radio guy, Rayshele working promotion along with another girl, and a guy doing retail. At the time I started, I came in to do promotion as well, and at the same time a guy came in to do A&R for the States, and they also hired a warehouse guy. The second promo girl left, and they replaced the retail guy, and then hired a label manager. But generally you were looking at around 7 or 8 people back then, and so everyone was multitasking like mad.

The German office was the founding office back in ’88 and so that was running quite smoothly; the US office opened in late 1990 and it took quite a few years, and quite a few combinations of people, until things balanced out by the latter part of the ‘90s. If you compare that with how it was about 6 years later, when there were 30 people on staff in Germany and over 40 in the States, it was completely different. So yeah, if you contrast that when I began, when there was no mailorder or distro, no real warehouse (just an office room), and no website or e-mail address, it was pretty sparse in those days.

So when you joined CM and there was no website or email address for the label; I bet it leant a more "underground" feel and mystique to the music without the internet, versus today where Hot Topic goth-core kids wear 'The Joker' make up and are considered black metal.

Ula: Oh fuck yeah. It was such a weird time looking back to how it was then, especially since it wasn't that long ago, which goes to show you how fast technology has developed. You'd have bands that would sell 10,000 copies solely by word-of-mouth, and when I say "word-of-mouth", I mean literally, one person talking to another, face-to-face or on the phone with someone. Chain stores didn't carry metal back then, period.

You were happy if you could get into the bigger indies like Newbury Comics, and you just tried to sell to mom-and-pops, and there weren't as many distros or mailorders then either, but you tried to cover those all too. So when Century Black had new titles out, you just tried to make sure that Necropolis, Full Moon and Red Stream took copies, as even Relapse wasn't carrying black metal back then. Mailorder also wasn't nearly as prevalent, since it was really, really hard to get the word out. You didn't have a webshop, everyone had 56K dial-up modems at best, and so you tried to get word out there through the fanzines, distro booths and keeping a mailing list and mailorder catalog that you'd send direct to everyone a few times a year. When you saw someone with a cool shirt, or holding a cool album in a shop, you'd talk to them -- I made a lot of my best friends through common interests in music.

But now, as you said, you can probably get a Multiilation longsleeve or an Abruptum hoodie at Hot Topic or whatever. Okay, maybe not quite, but you know what I mean! Just finding records back then was such an event, but I loved it. It would sometimes take me two years, no joke, to find a rare album that had horrible distribution, but man, what a feeling when you had it in your hands. The death of independent and especially used record stores has really sucked, that used to be my primary reason for traveling. I remember going to Gothenberg in '93, opening up a phonebook at the train station, and asking people walking by what the word for "records" was in Swedish so I could look up all the stores, mark them on a map, and go hunting all day long. And later that day, I had Eucharist "A Velvet Creation" and At The Gates "Gardens Of Grief" in my hands... and when I bought the At The Gates, it was Tompa who sold it to me, working behind the counter at Dolores Records... holy shit!

(Life existed before 'Slaughter of the Soul')

I used to do that to every city I went to... and I know I had a lot of friends doing the same. There's probably not a single record I couldn't find now in 5 minutes on the web if I feel like paying enough money, short of some overpriced rare vinyl, but even that comes up with regularity. I miss "the chase" aspect of it, really... instant gratification is nice sometimes, but it makes you lazy too.

Back to Century Black for a minute: the line-up of black metal acts, looking back, is quite impressive, with many of the band's being in the pantheon of black metal, who sought out these artists for this imprint?

Ula: Once again I'd point to Rayshele, and Robert was living in Germany so he was also keeping his eyes open for whatever new was available and interesting (this was around the dawn of the Internet, so info was scarce, you really had to actively seek things out on your own or have someone send something your way). I remember Robert pushing for a long time to get the first Opeth album, "Orchid", and it took a long, long time to make that happen with Candlelight. I don't think Rayshele was quite as into Opeth, but it wasn't really what you would call 'troo kvlt' black metal either, so that's understandable. But when that finally came together and CM got the rights for that, it was great, although when it was released the few people that knew about the band already had the import, and basically nobody else cared. It took a long time and a lot of convincing to sell that band on people, but by the time they finally played the US (at the Milwaukee Metalfest around '98, I think, when "Still Life" was out in Europe) they had a pretty good fan base going already. And once you got one or two bands licensed, and other labels heard you were paying advances and accounting regularly for those titles, it became a lot easier to do the rest. The real keystone band around that time, of course, was Emperor. Rayshele was really into the band and used to talk to the guys regularly, and so Robert also dealt out with Candlelight that CM would get the rights to the Emperor titles as well, starting with the "Hordane's Land" split EP with Enslaved, followed up shortly by "In The Nightside Eclipse", and they sold a few thousand to begin with but it also took a while for people to take notice.

Did you personally deal with any of these artists? If so, who and what was it like?

Ula: Rayshele was the one dealing with the ‘true’ black metallers, so she was regularly talking to Hellhammer from Mayhem, Ihsahn and Samoth from Emperor, Garm from Arcturus and Ulver, etc. I knew of black metal but the ideology and a lot of the bands were new to me in that pre-Internet era, I remember going to Oslo for one day while in Europe back in ’93 and Varg was on the front page of all the Norwegian newspapers as he’d just been sentenced to prison, but I’d only heard a few of the bands when I started at CM. I remember picking up a fanzine that was sitting in the office filing cabinets, and there was an interview with Hellhammer from Mayhem, and he closed the interview by saying, “Black metal for white people!” And that was when I thought, “Huh, maybe I don’t really need to deal with these guys.” So Rayshele kept up the personal contacts, and when she was no longer with the label, around ’97 or so, I was already dealing with a couple of the guys, like Samoth, Satyr and a few others. By then I was starting to get a bit into licensing and the contractual side of things, and so I worked out a couple of the deals, like dealing with Avantgarde to release the Mayhem “Live In Leipzig” album along with two Katatonia records and Ophthalamia, and I was doing purchasing for the mail-order so I was working with a lot of those labels, from US ones like Necropolis, Breath Of Night and Full Moon Productions to the overseas ones like Moonfog, Head Not Found / Deathlike Silence, Hot, Avantgarde, Osmose, etc. I think a lot of those guys in the scene did and said things they regretted soon thereafter, and I don’t mean so much the multiple stabbings and church-burnings, but even just some of the right-wing affiliation, ego and imagery. They were all kids when they started out, basically, and as they got a bit older, most of them grew up. Some didn’t, but most did.

Please dish on any funny/amusing 'Hedwig And The Angry Inch' moments from this time period, the bands or the Century Black imprint.

Ula: Well, I still remember when Moonspell were in their demo days, they got a fax from Mortiis, who was in Emperor at the time, I think. Mortiis was threatening them, calling them the word that rhymes with ‘diggers’, putting a cute little swastika at the bottom and saying, “Heil Hitler” as a postscript. I still have a copy of that fax, and this is from a dude that would later go on to play industrial rock while wearing elf ears. I think if 1995 Mortiis could have time-travelled to 2003, he would have murdered himself.

Well, the most embarrassing thing that probably happened was the initial CD pressing of the Emperor/Enslaved split CD, which had the very cool and eerie Gustav Dore work “The Vision Of Death” on the front, but due to a color-separation film fuck-up it came out not in black but in bright pink. Try explaining that to the band. Then there were Ulver, who after two brilliant albums of folk/black metal, signed to CM, at which time everyone expected them to go even more commercial than they were before. Instead, they gave us “Nattens Madrigal”, one of the most primal records you could imagine, and they did tell us they recorded the album outdoors in the woods, and also that they scrapped the initial recording session because it came out “too good”. The other fiasco of sorts was the Malicious Records saga, where I worked out a deal with the German guy, Gerrit, who owned the label, and we worked out a decent advance payment for him too, in order to get the US rights for the whole catalog. We finished the deal and I told him in order to pay him, he needed to send us an invoice with his bank info. He just couldn’t seem to do that even though it was a fair bit of money, and I reminded him several times, but he just didn’t manage to send one. In the meantime, several of the bands got wind of the fact that we were about to release those albums in the States, and they let us know they’d never gotten paid a dime from the guy, and that he no longer had the rights to those albums, so we managed to cancel the Mortiis, Vond and Zyklon-B releases, but by then we already had the other 8 printed and being sold, which was records by Aura Noir, Borknagar, Dodheimsgard and Gorgoroth. The very lucky part is that we had never sent Gerrit a penny since he never sent that invoice through, so we were able to work out direct deals with most of the bands to pay them. If we had already sent the money to the guy, the bands would have been completely screwed. So the lesson I learned from that is, just because someone says they have the rights to something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. Even better, that guy would reach out to me every year or so, asking when he was going to get his money, so I had to tell him, “You’d better talk to your bands.”

What sort of wrapped this whole time period together was The Firestarter compilation in ‘97, featuring very prominent acts of the second wave of black metal, however this comp seems to get no love or at least little recognition, why do you think that is?

Ula: Probably because I put it together, ha ha ha. I think it came a bit late to really be considered groundbreaking, as the die had already been cast with things like the “Nordic Metal” comp that Necropolis had released. But the comp did pretty well, actually, and it was a baby of mine, so I tried to make something cool out of it.

The name came about from a fax I got from Samoth, about some interviews or whatever, and at the bottom he wrote, as a joke, “I’m a firestarter…”, after the Prodigy song that was big at the time. I thought that was pretty clever, and I told him I wanted to use it as the name of a black metal comp, which he was OK with. Travis Smith did a great job with the artwork, and that one was one of his earlier works before the Opeths and Katatonias of the world started calling him, and it was the idea for us to release it cheaply, just to be a fan-friendly, zero-profit item that would hopefully introduce people to some new bands. CM sold over 20,000 of them in the end, and it was in shops for about $5 or from the mailorder for just $2, so I think a cool-looking package with some good bands at a cheap price made it irresistible to a lot of people. Weirdly enough I’ve had a lot of people tell me they got introduced to a few bands through that comp, as CM was doing the cheap label sampler “Identity” back then, and so I wanted to do the more extreme version. My favorite part was that I wanted to include the long wood match in the spine, and we found out it was both possible and affordable, so the first few thousand came with that match. OK, maybe it’s not as cool as the Zippo with the Burzum CD, but fuck it, even those cost you like $50 to buy one back in '93, so for a $2 price tag it was as good as we could manage!

Nowadays black metal seems to have a much more cheesy stigma attached to it, with elaborate corpse paint, glamour shot photos, etc. How would you compare and contrast the current acts to those at the time?

Ula: The glamour shots definitely leave me cold, I have never been a guy who got into bands with an image, unless your ‘image’ was wearing jeans and T-shirts. I think the initial wave had such a strong impact because it was raw, primal and done on a budget, all of which normally adds up to a kind of intensity that just can’t be matched. Some of the band photos now look like they must be airbrushed, or when you have Dimmu Borgir spending like $8,000 on a photo shoot complete with gothic nurses and naked chicks on dog chains, you know you’re a long, long way from their Fimbulwinter roots. But I blame that on Cradle Of Filth more than anything, ever since the release of their first album they were always one of the top-selling bands, and the more polished their image became, the more people bought into it. That, in turn, seemed to influence Dimmu and all the others, and when you look at pictures of the current bands, even those that have been around for a while like Dark Funeral, it’s hardly spontaneous, everything looks perfectly placed.

Some of those vintage photos were done in 5 minutes, you can tell, so even if they look a bit goofy, they seem a lot more sincere than some guys who are polishing up their nail wristbands and are worried if their shin plates will stand out properly against the ambient backlight. But what’s impressive to see is how far the US has come, as in the mid-‘90s, US black metal was, to almost everyone concerned, a joke. You had a few bands trying to make something happen, but even Havohej and Sarcophagus (who have one of the best bad band photos ever, just check Metal Archives) and the rest were just not being taken seriously. Then again, the thinking at the time was that if it didn’t come from Scandinavia, it probably wasn’t worth listening to, and bands like Enthroned were using selling points like, “Norwegian black metal from Belgium”, which always made me laugh. Flash forward 10 years, and it’s a totally different ballgame, and I’m glad to see that the US have come up with some very solid and often experimental black metal bands, and I’m amazed at how many one-man bedroom projects have taken lives of their own.

You brought up a good point. Don't you find it interesting that with black metal, for once it seemed that there was a trend going geographically "backwards"? I mean, instead of Europe catching on to what's popular in the U.S. three to five years later (with the UK being of course a little ahead of the curve) the music which was happening in the early 90s took three to five years to saturate enough to wake American audiences up to this music?

Ula: I guess it's just a matter of where that sound originates from. A lot of trends -- and a lot of bad trends, too -- originated in the States and spread outward, but there were some specific genre examples where the US was last to join the party. I think of punk rock from England in the '70s, black metal as you said, and probably the next example after that would be the Swedish death metal scene and how that wound up crossing over to US metalcore where you had pudgy short-haired dudes from Nebraska forcing pit-friendly breakdowns into the middle of At The Gates riffs. Americans are always reluctant to admit that someone else thought of something first that's better, but hey, sometimes you can't deny what's good. I mean, fried chicken and cheeseburgers are fine, but I'll take good Mexican food over that any day, you know?

Nowadays, black metal has changed a great deal and only Naglfar and Dark Fortress remain as relevant acts of the genre on CM. Is there really just not too much money to be made back on black metal like there use to be?

Ula: "Back on black" metal, I see what you did there, ha ha. I'm not even sure you would consider Naglfar wholly a black metal band, to me it's just Naglfar, they're their own beast, and few people would consider Old Man's Child a black metal band too. I think there were so many labels that specialized in those bands in the meantime that most of the larger indies just couldn't maintain a credible foothold. I mean, if you're looking for credibility, how can a label like Century Media, with bands like Lacuna Coil or Suicide Silence, have the same credibility as a NoEvDia, Drakkar and the likes? Forget it. You can't have everything. I'm sure there's still money to be made on black metal or else most of the labels wouldn't touch it, but let's face it, for labels there's not a lot of money to be made on most music these days. If you want to make money in music, you'd better be involved in touring, merch or maybe publishing. And for black metal, I think merch and maybe vinyl are probably the only two things that consistently bring the bands some beer money, since a lot of them don't really tour much anyway.

What was ultimately Century Black's undoing?

Ula: I think the brand got stretched too far, I don’t even remember all of the records that got tagged as Century Black releases, but I remember it was used on a couple releases that you could only call black metal if you really broadened the definition of what black metal was. And I believe the last batch of Century Black releases were from the Malicious catalog, which as I explained was a nightmare and which seriously dragged on for years. A lot of those bands also moved on from what they were doing musically to other styles, or diminished the black metal elements in their music, either as their interests took hold elsewhere or in some cases they just evolved musically and didn’t wish to be pinned down anymore playing as fast as they humanly could on a shoestring budget in Grieghallen Studios.

Any other humorous or noteworthy stories from this imprint or era?

Ula: Well, it’s been printed a few times how pissed off Opeth were that we put the band logo on the front cover of the “Orchid” and “Morningrise” albums, but it was also pretty apparent at the time that since nobody in the States really knew who they were in ’96, the records just wouldn’t have sold well without a band name on the front, as we just didn’t even think some of the store clerks would be astute enough to figure out where the albums would go. Maybe that was artistically wrong and nowadays you could do a clear, see-through sticker with the logo on top of the jewel-case, but back then the options were more limited, and the band got over it, and the records did pretty well in the end, so it’s another case of art versus commerce, ha ha.

("Wait, wait, wait... I know it's 1996 and our second record JUST came out and no one really knows who we are, but still, putting our name on our album cover just screams 'Sell out!'")

There were a couple records that very nearly got released via Century Black, but fell apart at the last minute, like the first two Cradle Of Filth releases, “The Principle Of Evil Made Flesh” and “Vempire”, and also the Burzum “Aske” album (CM even had promo CD sleeves printed up before a last-minute snafu with Misanthropy Records axed the deal). As a personal experience, I definitely remember the 1998 Milwaukee Metalfest, which was the live US debut for Emperor. They had previously insisted that they use their own keyboard live, so they had it shipped over ahead of the show, and was brought to the venue along with the band. They got through customs with a letter I had written saying they were going to play a benefit show for Jeff Becerra of Possessed, which thankfully worked, as the band weren’t getting paid enough to afford work visas, and we were worried that Samoth’s record would cause problems but we could only cross our fingers and hope. Everything worked out short of Alver’s bass getting damaged on the flight (he found a replacement), and the band were in good spirits. About 45 minutes before they had to play, Samoth realized he needed batteries for some gear, so I hauled ass out of the venue, we tracked down some batteries at a nearby market, and ran back in time… no sooner did I hand the batteries over, with minutes to spare, that their keyboard player, Charmand Grimloch, just realized the keyboard he’d brought over wouldn’t function without a Europe-to-US power converter. I ran into all the dressing rooms, stumbling in on guys like Sodom and Destruction in various states of undress, frantically asking for a power converter. Either the bands didn’t have one, or they weren’t about to loan one to Emperor, but I came up empty-handed (and this was pre-cell phones, of course) and it was already time for the band to hit the stage. So it dawned on Charmand that they’d be playing without him and that he’d flown all the way over for nothing. He was just standing on the side of the stage, frustrated beyond belief, and so during the first song he just ran out and stage-dove over the security barrier into the audience. In retrospect, it’s amazing the show even happened, and that 4/5 of them got to play that day.

So to wrap up, please list your top five CM release of all time and your top five black metal albums (can be CM or not) of all time…

Ula: Okay, let me think about that. Top 5 CM, in no order: Samael "Ceremony Of Opposites", Strapping Young Lad "City", Only Living Witness "Innocents", Bloodbath "Resurrection Through Carnage" and either Morgoth "Odium" or Nevermore "Dreaming Neon Black". If The Gathering put out a comp of the best of the Anneke years I'd be all over that shit too. My top 5 black metal records: Ulver "Bergtatt", Satyricon "Nemesis Divina", Immortal "At The Heart Of Winter", Arcturus "Aspera Hiems Simfonia" and Emperor "Anthems To The Welkin At Dusk". Runner-ups for me would be Dissection "Storm..." and Watain "Casus Luciferi". What can I say, I like the melodic stuff more than the "grim holocaust attakk" stuff, but fuck it, I'm old and I think I'm right, ha ha.

Where is the double bass on the drums: Vintage Roadrunner hate mail

2009-10-09T00:18:00.002-04:00

Some posts just write themselves, like yesterday's on Stuff You Will Hate about BOSS' Crabcore pedal. Such is also the case with this collection of "interesting" letters received by Roadrunner about 5 years ago and passed on to us by a secret source that we will simply call "Green Rage." Please thank him/her and enjoy this rare treat!

Click on any of the images to see a full-size version that you can actually read.

This fucking dipshit is an asshole of the highest order, but what's much worse is that he's not funny. In this letter he pretends to think there is a defect with the CD they sent him FOR FREE and says the singer for Cradle of Filth sounds like a girl. Here is how I would probably react: Har har, real funny, you sure taught me a lesson about how lame I am for sending free stuff to people like you. You couldn't just silently throw it away like everyone else who doesn't like it, you had to rub it in my face. Your time is clearly priceless, other than the hours you spent writing this letter and patting yourself on the back for being so clever. How about this you motherfucker, I know where your fucking kids go to school and they get out in 10 minutes- think you can get there faster than I can? Why aren't you laughing anymore??

In this letter, some gimp/mongo begs Roadrunner to send him a Slipknot CD out of pity for his disability. True to form for someone who is asking for a handout, he is not only asking for a favor but has very specific demands regarding how the favor should be done: "CDS LPS ONLY NO SINGLES. IF 2 VERSIONS SEND EXPLICIT LYRIC VERSION. IF ONLY ONE VERSION SEND IT." It's kind of like when I told Olga Kurylenko she should pity-fuck me after the ATM ate my debit card, then said "MISSIONARY/REVERSE COWGIRL ONLY NO HANDJOBS. IF 2 ORIFICES USE BUTTHOLE. IF ONLY ONE ORIFICE USE IT."

If you ever did a zine, traded tapes, or otherwise corresponded with Euros by mail in the 80s/90s, this letter will sound all too familiar. Some German weirdo is pitching them on the idea of opening some Roadrunner stores in Europe. But that's not all! He adds that "When a Roadrunner Band is on Tour or the Roadrunner Roadrage Tour is across Europe this Band or Bands make a Autographbreak on the Local Roadrunner Store so Fans can get closer to their Idols." It sounds to me like he has fully considered this idea and I cannot imagine why Roadrunner did not jump at the chance to immediately engage him as VP Retail Development, Roadrunner Europe. Then he could give the gimp from above a job and kill two birds with one stone!

Now this letter is refreshing! He's not being a dickbag whiner, asking for free shit, or an annoying Euro, he's just a Roadrunner fan who is understandably concerned about the direction the label started taking around this time (1995ish). As a diehard Fear Factory and Machine Head devotee, he simply asks "Where is the REALLY heavy stuff? Where is the death metal? Where is the double bass on the drums??" And isn't that what we are all trying to find out during our time here on this planet?? Where *is* the double bass on the drums?

Hoo boy... this reminds me of the insane bullshit that covers the label of Dr. Bronner's soap. The scary part is the complete lack of awareness at play. Any time someone seems to lack a fundamental understanding of reality, it's unnerving because you never know what the fuck they'll do next. They operate on what seems to be their own bizarre logic system that has little or no relationship to the way the world actually works. When Z-level, local metal bands send their godawful demo to Roadrunner it's certainly kind of pathetic, but at least it makes sense: they are in a metal band, and Roadrunner puts out metal records. I always wonder what possesses some weirdo like this fruit to contact a label like Roadrunner, and how they might react if rejected. I imagine this guy is the heir to some insane fortune that his father made selling essence of honeysuckle in the 1920s or whatever, so he doesn't have to work. Instead, he spends his days wandering around, sniffing bicycle seats and park benches. When he gets the news that Roadrunner signed Billy Talent instead of him, he flips out and some poor girl waiting for the bus ends up in a dumpster behind 7-11, fragments of a shattered Dresden Dolls CD jammed into her skull.

Putting out the Disincarnate album alone is enough to atone for Roadrunner's sins of allowing Methods of Mayhem and the nu-Misfits to enter a recording studio

Conclusion
Working in the music industry might sound glamorous, but there's more to the job than the cool stuff you read about in No Glam Fags or The Wild Rag. For every "ZOMG all my dreams are coming true" moment like the time you get to help Donald Tardy wash his 1992 Chevy Luv while he tells you stories about Scott Burns' farts, there's decidedly unglamorous stuff like taking Tom Araya to 8AM Sunday mass with his daughters. We think that getting letters like this make it all worthwhile though, and welcome any other informants like "Green Rage" to share with us!

We don't know anybody at Roadrunner, but if you do, please pass this on to them and ask them to get in touch! There are few labels who have contributed more to metal than they have and we would love to work with them in one way or another. For starters, let's bro down with Mike from Killswitch and talk to him about the rad Devastation "Idolatry" longsleeve he wore when I saw Overcast in 1998.

A quick detour through bummer-ville

The best song from Left With Nothing's criminally underrated EP- check out a live version here. They were a rare combo of fun but also super intense and emotional, like Seattle's other ex-Trial/Undertow/Himsa regretcore band Everything Went Black, and I had a lot of fun at their shows.

Sorry to end on such a serious note, but we would like to express our sadness for the recent loss of Brian Redman, formerly of RR band 3 Inches of Blood. I knew him from the Seattle hardcore scene, where he played in Trial and the really-fucking-great-but-unknown Left With Nothing, one of my favorite Seattle hardcore bands. He was funny, friendly, and had a motherfucking INTEGRITY tattoo on his chest- you really can't fuck with that! I wasn't BFFs with him, but many of my Washington friends were and he is dearly missed.

Pyogenesis: Teenage awkwardness in musical form

2009-10-07T02:40:00.001-04:00

The name of this band was brought up by one of our readers a couple of weeks ago. Upon reading it, I was instantly transported to another time (1992)...a time when my brother would spend entire weekends reading and writing letters with tape traders from places like Romania, Ecuador and Turkey. Back then, our mailbox was consistently packed with demos from noise, grind and death metal bands from all over the world, most of them completely awful. It's within that context that I remember the name Pyogenesis, and as such I quickly wondered what had happened to them since. Through the magic of the interweb, my thirst for knowledge was quickly quenched via the video below. Listen to the music and be amazed a this group of germans who never met a style of music they didn't like. Much like the awful buffet restaurants that have pizza, and pasta, and chinese food, and ice cream, and Indian food, and sushi...the mix is interesting but odd at the same time. Think about the awkward teenager in your high school (perhaps it was you) who bounced around from subculture to subculture. That teenager is Pyogenesis. As the music starts to take a decidedly pop-punk twist, remind yourself that these guys were metal enough to have been on Osmose Productions, and some of the members were in Gut. With an impecable metal resume like that (I'm kinda' joking, in case you can't tell) their change in musical direction is even more amusing. Notice that this clip only features their evolution until 2002...by now they're probably composing rock operas, and "dropping" mix tapes that feature Lil' Wayne.

Oh, and who could forget their semi-techno cover of Toto's "Africa"?

Guest appearances on Invisible Oranges and Something Awful; No Fun Club appears

2009-10-05T07:43:00.008-04:00

Invisible Oranges "Now That's What I Call Slam" mixtape
Cosmo Lee and the gang at Invisible Oranges have a very literate, smart take on metal that's as rare as it is considered. Naturally, you must be thinking "What the fuck are YOU doing on that site, then?!" I am as puzzled as you are, but I was super stoked to put together a selection of crushing slamz for them that you can download over at IO (including the cover that you see above). In Cosmo's words:

If John Waters blogged about metal, the result would be Metal Inquisition. The site is mean as hell, yet culturally astute. It trawls society's backwaters and exposes insecurities for public ridicule. Blogger Sergeant D is especially adept at this. The man has some of the strangest tastes I've ever seen. He'll champion old-school powerviolence, then turn around and stick up for crunkcore and "wigger slam" metal (his term). He actually likes that stuff.

I have been a huge John Waters fan since I was about 9 years old, so it would be hard to come up with a more flattering comparison than that- I'm blushing!

As usual, I turn to Guttermouth to articulate my feelings

Predictably, the No Fun Club showed to rain on the parade and get butthurt because I used the word "wigger." You can read the comments and see for yourself, but I foolishly made the mistake of attempting to extend the olive branch to them, forgetting the most fundamental characteristic of the NFC: Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough for them. They sit atop their throne of Adbusters back issues, clipping coupons for Howard Zinn bobbleheads and passing judgment on mouthbreathing savages like me who "just don't get it." I tried to explain that when I make wigger jokes, the humor is based on the fact that it's a fucking completely retarded term, so perhaps we were on the same page after all. But it was all in vain: as expected, they weren't having it. Every word I typed was more proof of what a Neanderthal I am, because you just can't win with these dickholes.

If you are in the No Fun Club, I think we will never be on the same page. You hate fun, and I love it. We are natural enemies, like Mordred and non-funky beats. So get fucked, and instead of reading my posts, spend that time with a select group of your brightest friends circle-jerking to Kent McClard/Aaron Turner* slashfic stories or whatever it is that you do while I'm listening to Infernal Revulsion and texting your sister.

Read more / download "Now That's What I Call Slam" at Invisible Oranges

* No offense meant to Aaron Turner, he seems like a chill dude and was super cool the few times I've interacted with him- it's not his fault beardos like the records he puts out.

Something Awful "Garbage Day: Stuff You Will Hate"
On a happier note, this guest post on Something Awful's Garbage Day with Andrew Miller was legitimately an honor. Something Awful is a legendary site that's up there with a select few like 4chan and Hipster Runoff in terms of retarded internet humor made by really smart people, and I've been a huge fan for a solid decade. We sent each other links to some shitty songs on YouTube, then made fun of them. Pretty simple but pretty great. MI readers will especially appreciate Andrew's comment on the amazingly wigged-out new video from Despised Icon, featuring a "Deez Nuts" shirt and 40-tipping, among other things:

What "I'm on a Boat" did to Autotuned R&B, the "Day of Mourning" video does unintentionally to tough-guy deathcore. Given that it's more of a farce than most parodies, someone involved in its production must have realized it was fucking hilarious. I can imagine the director's instructions: "Yes, wear the 'Deez Nuts' shirt, the contrast between the tragic graveside scenes and the whimsical slogan will be poignant!" And "I'm going to play some nü-metal during the performance scenes, and I want you to gesture and altogether behave as though that's the music that's really accompanying the video. I'll change the soundtrack in post-production. The effect will be transcendent! What? Oh no, you can evade any rap-metal stigma, as long as you wear your baseball caps with the bills facing forward." Then I can see him stuffing a towel in his mouth and grinding his teeth through the threads as he tries to stave off hysterics.

It's a testament to SA's advanced-level technique that Andrew was one of the few people to realize that the only kind of music I genuinely hate is indie rock. He sent me videos from Jay Reatard, Yacht, and a few others that had my blood boiling in seconds- no easy task! His only misstep was giving me a song from Fight Fair, who are one of my favorite bands. But hey, nobody bats 1000. Passion Pit made me want to smash my own fingers with a ballpeen hammer out of sheer beard-induced rage:

This is music for beardos with pot bellies and a live-in girlfriend. To borrow a line from Henry Rollins, starting a band like this is like breaking into your parents' liquor cabinet and drinking the light beer. Why are these fucking assholes smiling so much? Does it feel THAT GOOD to prance around in a sweater and glasses? Did they just see a life-affirming independent film about how amazing poor people and retards are? Maybe they're thinking about all the cool stuff they just bought off Etsy, or how much better they feel about themselves now that they've switched to Fair Trade Coffee, I don't know.

Thanks to Andrew and the gang at SA, you're welcome on MI any time!

Read more at Something Awful

Deathcore: Now Only 99% Worthless Shit

2009-10-02T01:16:00.002-04:00

Since Century Media acquired a controlling interest in Metal Inquisition last month, it's been nothing but red tape and hassles (read their press release for more details). For example, I spent the majority of this week in orientation meetings with various stakeholders to exchange information on market research, our capital structure, and so forth. In particular, our two-day summit on developing trends in wiggerish arm movements was eyeopening: I realized I had a shocking lack of information on what Kids These Days call deathcore. After a scolding from our CMO, I did what I do best: learning about things that make me angry and confused, then reporting back to our readers.

Abnegation: arguably the first hardcore band to play legit metal? Either way, all I can think about is licking Dave Steele's sweaty chest, I don't know why!

Sarge, I am already getting confused and angry. WTF is deathcore?
Basically, deathcore is hardcore kids playing death metal (or trying to). The current deathcore poster children include Suicide Silence, Winds of Plague, Job For A Cowboy, and Bring Me The Horizon. I will go into more detail below, but that's deathcore in a nutshell. The term deathcore isn't new. Back in the 90s people called Overcast and Bloodlet deathcore, but that really wasn't accurate. Bloodlet were heavy and dark as fuck, but their drummer/creative director Charlie's favorites were Helmet and Dave Matthews Band; he hated death metal. Back then, hardcore kids who liked Pyrexia as much as they liked Earth Crisis were a rare and elusive breed. For example, when I met Joey from Circle of Dead Children at some fucking horrible hardcore show in Akron, Ohio in 1997 I just about shit myself when I noticed his Hideous Mangleus shirt (if you know Joey, tell him to email me, he should know who I am if you show him this post).

Today, though, it basically goes without saying that all hardcore kids also like legit death metal. Fast forward 10 years or so from when I met Joey and you now have zillions of kids who like hardcore and death metal. Those zillions of kids are in the zillions of bands who make up the current deathcore scene. While there is a seemingly endless supply of deathcore bands, the way I see it they really fit into one of three flavors.

I fully support unreadable band logos as long as they are spiky death metal/grind ones, but I can't back this bullshit. I have no idea who these turds are but I am pretty sure there is no need for me to find out since I have already heard Carnifex and Whitechapel and do not feel like further torturing myself.

Flavor A: Dillinger Escape Plan covering Dissection
The most common flavor of deathcore is this wretched sub-genre. Like many kinds of metal, it's the product of angry nerds who channel their rage and alienation into music, retreating into their bedroom after getting stuffed into their locker at school by jocks. Normally that's what inspires kids to do something cool like start the next Black Flag or Devourment, but in this case the outcome is much less awesome: because these kids are suburban pussies in the "gifted" classes, they choose to show how much they hate their wretched existence by cramming as many notes as possible into a 4-minute song. I know, what the fuck? Worst form of teenage angst ever.

This band is called Here Comes The Kraken. More like "here comes the litany of recycled Gothenburg riffs" amirite?! Zing!

Like riff-salad-style death metal, there is nothing wrong with this stuff per se, there's just absolutely nothing right with it. The kids can all play their balls off, the recordings are surgically precise, and they've clearly studied every note of every At The Gates-inspired band ever (as Metal Sucks pointed out a while ago, they probably listen to Killswitch Engage, not ATG or Dissection themselves). I totally understand being into a particular genre and the conventions that go along with it- I am currently listening to Putrid Pile as I type this- but enough is enough! Hardcore kids have been jocking Swedeath for like 10+ fucking years now. It was dumb and played out then and it gets even more played out with every generation of entry-level moshers who think they are the shit because they can play a gay, major-key metalcore riff that sounds just like every other gay, major-key metalcore riff since "Slaughter of the Soul" came out.

This assbag sings for Bring Me The Horizon. When he is not playing in his Soilwork tribute band, he makes cute faces in front of the camera for his clothing company, Dropdead (even more annoying than the band Dropdead, if you can imagine that).

I was trying to come up with a witty caption to write about Oceano, but then I pressed "play" on the video and promptly fell asleep.

Despite being so repetitive and dull that it makes Benediction sound positively electrifying, this shit is shockingly popular: Suicide Silence went to #32 on Billboard, Winds of Plague made #73 (Brokencyde beat them by making #68 LOL), and Bring Me The Horizon's video above has over 10 million views. Perhaps this is one of the few times where even Sergeant D is confused and angry about the latest developments in youth culture- although as our readers know, I am a big Winds of Plague fan so I'm stoked on that much at least.

Despised Icon incorporate many wigger slam elements into their take on riff-salad-style deathcore, making them my favorites in this category. Between his New Era hat (at a jaunty angle, of course) and the surprisingly legit slamz at :45, this video is very relevant to my interests!

As a teen, I craved blast beats like a tweaker fiending for his next bump. I was so hard up for blasts I would even stoop to listening to the occasional Rot or Anarchus 7"- that's the grindcore equivalent of a junkie shooting up in their dick because all the veins in their arms are collapsed. I never thought blast beats would be popular, and I definitely didn't think they could ever become boring. Clearly I am shitty at predicting the future, because today there are dozens of blast beat-laden deathcore bands who are not only popular, but also boring as fuck: Carnifex, Job For A Cowboy, Annotations Of An Autopsy, and zillions of others. I got so annoyed by these cookie-cutter assfaces I had to listen to some Human Rejection to cleanse my soul.

The geniuses who call their Christian deathcore "gorship" have this new logo: the REPENTAGRAM! Sadly, I'm not fucking kidding.

Flavor B: Korn covering Broken Hope
Hopefully you read that description and thought to yourself, "Holy fuck, I had never considered the nightmarish possibilities of such a combination and am strongly considering suiciding myself so I never have to." The good news is that you probably already know what to expect: EXTREMELY generic USDM fast parts mixed with open-string bounce parts tailor-made for crabwalking. Seven-string guitars are frequent purchases for the bros in these bands.

If you thought Korn-meets-Broken Hope wasn't enough of a shit sandwich, Impending Doom add a dose of Christianity. Makes me miss the good old days of moshing 4 Jesus with Unashamed, Focal Point and Overcome :(

This stuff is a great example of how things suck when they are "neither here nor there." What I mean is, this doesn't slam like slam metal, mosh like moshcore, or grind like grindcore, it just kinda does a half-assed, watered-down version of all those things. It doesn't even make me mad like the DEP-covering-Dissection stuff does, it's just really dull and hard to even remember hearing. I could definitely imagine it being on the soundtrack to some crappy Playstation combat racing game like Twisted Metal or something, and I would be like "Whoa, what's this song?!" the first time I heard it, then 20 seconds later I would be more like "Oh never mind, it's just some shitty nu-metal band trying to be 'authentic', it sounded good for a second there though."

This band Molotov Solution really couldn't be a better example of shitty nu-metal meets shitty death metal. I can imagine this being real popular with freestyle motocross and BMX kids from Riverside.

If you are interested in this flavor of deathcore for some bizarre reason, Whitechapel are also a good example. I think you would be better off just simultaneously playing Pantera and Kottonmouth Kings MP3s, though.

A typical deathcore band, probably called something like Tales of Destiny, Reversal of Man, or Plague of Winds. They are most likely signing with Sumerian or Victory this fall.

I Declare Goddess is a DISFIGURING THE GODDESS X I DECLARE WAR collabo, don't sleep on this shit!

Flavor C: Hatebreed playing Hemdale breakdowns
By now you are probably thinking, "This post says deathcore is only 99% worthless shit, but so far it's 100% by my count." I don't blame you, because I saved the best for last! Given my appreciation of wigger slam, moshcore, and goregrind, it should not be surprising that I love this flavor of deathcore. Because they play nothing but one downtuned mosh riff after the next, many of their songs end up sounding like a series of Hemdale's giant, sludgy breakdowns strung together. Sounds pretty fucking rad, right?! It is!

I am WAY into this band Demolisher. They seriously sound like nothing but Hemdale breakdowns with hardcore vocals over them, it's like my dream band come to life. Note the bro in front's ABACABB "Get Fucked" shirt; I want one!

Because they're drawing more from "core" than "death," this flavor of deathcore doesn't fall prey to fetishizing technique like lots of metal bands do. These bands have figured out something that their boring peers have not: nobody gives a fuck how awesome you are at playing guitar if your songs are boring and limper than Richard Simmons' dick at a titty bar.

I have been listening to ABACABB's new album nonstop this week, especially this song. Make sure you check out the breakdown at 1:30 with "GET FUCKED!" gang vocals. You're fuckin moshing!!!

Only fatties, shut-ins and pedos listen to Braindrill and Necrophagist. Awesome dudes like us moshbros just want put on some Air Max 90s, mosh our balls off to some X breakdowns X and bands like Suffokate, Recon, and Liferuiner are more than happy to oblige. I'm pretty stoked that it's 2009 and there are still bands who just want to see people hardcore 2-step and have a good time, not make the cover of Guitar Jizz magazine.

These 15 year olds are brutal as FUCK despite being called Jerome and barely having half a dozen pubes between them (and sweet Himsa shirt, Pettibone is literally old enough to be your dads!). The lyrics have that kind of disjointed, deranged quality that reminds me of Nuclear Death, which is a compliment I don't just hand out every day:
let em bleed
no legs fucking and no eyes to see
let me know when you die
so i can eat these bloody eyes
I , i'll let you know when i move on
to another one of your fucking limbs
i am so stuffed but your bones look yummy
let me finish you at once

More than anything, this flavor just sounds like 90s moshcore if the bands had good production and actually knew how to play their instruments. I could totally imagine Jerome or Demolisher playing with Fall Silent, Gehenna, Unruh, and Enewetak at some 1995 San Diego or Reno hardcore show, for example. It makes me want to put on my camo shorts, All Out War hoodie, and go windmill some kids!

Monsters: Ho-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyy SHIT!

I'm super stoked I discovered these bands because it's like someone made a genre just for me: It combines the best of braindead moshcore with slam/brutal death metal and tops it off with super aggressive, deliberately ignorant lyrics that make you want to punch people in the face. If you would like to learn more, Youtube is full of X deathcore breakdown X videos, but most of them are just full of the same Suicide Silence and Bring Me The Horizon stuff you've heard a million times. I suggest starting with this kid's 8-part "Brutal Deathcore Breakdowns" series and taking it from there!

I don't get up on my high horse and complain about posers very often, so please indulge me in this post. I know sometimes our readers and I have our differences, but I hope we can at least come together on the fact that Here Comes The Kraken are fucking complete bullshit and Kids These Days are totally fucked for making shit like that popular. I'm done talking, I'm ready for action. Let's make some yo-yo's and start a fucking firestorm to purify the scene.

Images from around the interweb

2009-09-30T01:22:00.002-04:00

Here we see two of our summer interns (Emily and Alberto) from UC Davis doing research for this post. Good luck this fall semester guys!

As we have done before, today we are once again taking you around the world, the world of the internet, via images that we have found during our travels through the real world and through cyberspace. Join us, wont you?

The last time I was in Belgium, I saw a poster which led me to believe that Nocturnus was playing that night. Needless to say, I was surprised and excited by the prospect of getting to see one of my favorite time-travel themed death metal bands from the early 90s. I went back to my hotel room (I don't stay in Hostels, because I'm not a teenager and I have a job), and changed into my death metal show attire. Imagine my surprise when I showed up and realized that I was in some kind of fruit-boot festival. As far as the eye can see, euros wearing rollerblades were busting out sick tricks, like the ones from the movie Airborne (an MI favorite)...needless to say, I was both sad and disgusted. I went around asking these stupid teenagers if they even had any theories about time travel or spaceships. Sadly, they didn't.

Can you imagine how hard it is for his wife to cry herself to sleep every night after she realizes that this is the man she married? Having said that...sweet pants and bandana combo bro!

Perhaps you've seen this amazing Nocturnus cover, I know I have since I have the original artwork framed in my living room. Anyway, the other day a friend of mine who went to art school was over and noticed some incredible flaws in this masterpiece. I know, I know, it's hard to believe since Mike Browning has the Midas touch. Be that as it may, the image above includes lines that were rendered by very a sophisticated computer program. This image shows the many conflicting perspectives within the painting. The conclusion? Either this thing was painted by a drunken four year old, or Mike Browning just discovered some kind of sixth dimension...and we're all too fucking stupid to get it. Is he a visual pioneer like architect Peter Eisenman, who almost singlehandedly brought deconstructivism to the architectural forefront? Your make the call.

"Fuck Travis! I specifically told you NOT to change the speed on the fan to "turbo" until we started playing 'Winds Of Sickness'! The fan is part of our stage show, it's not a fucking toy! "

That nights performance was putrid, as were all the others during their four day tour of southern Illinois.

Is he casting a spell on me? Will the spell make my hair and face as greasy as his for the rest of my life?

Is he casting another spell on me? If I allow him to cast a spell on me, will he give me his magic cape? Maybe he's not casting a spell on me at all...maybe he's just saying "smell my fingers"...and maybe the guy on the left is making that face because he just did.

Being the singer in a Mexican atmospheric black metal band is not all fun and games. First, your drummer tells you that you have to help him load in his 84 piece drumkit, most of which he bought used at the Queensryche garage sale. Then, you suddenly remember that you forgot to bring the flour tortillas you made for the band to eat before the show. ¡Ay dios mio!

When these people were born, their parents were full of hope, and dreamed of their sons and daughters going on to live full and happy lives. By the time this picture was taken, their parents' spirits had surely been broken. They know and understand that their kids turned out to be fat pathetic shut-ins. As a result, they barely cry themselves to sleep anymore.

Most black metal bands speak about evil and darkness, and that's all fine and good...but this is a band's whose message I can truly get behind. As you can see in this picture, the singer is denouncing the low aesthetic values of dropped ceilings, a message I think we can all get behind.

When anyone is trying to act super evil, there's always some mexican dude who just wants to drink some Bud and give the camera the finger. Here at Metal Inquisition, we love that Mexican dude. I mean, honestly...who would you rather hang out with? The black metal guy just wants to show you his picture disc collection, play Burzum videos for you, and brag about how he knows the guy that writes the music reviews in anus.com. On the other hand, the Mexican dude knows the hot girl at the taco stand, he does a killer Al Pacino impression, he owns all the Fast And The Furious movies for PSP, he works at Pac Sun and can get you a discount...and his brother does landscaping work for super cheap. Who would you rather hang out with? Your call.

Another spinoff

2009-09-28T01:20:00.004-04:00

Much in the way that the original Saved By The Bell brought us Saved By The Bell, The College Years, Metal Inquisition is now producing yet another spinoff. Not content with having to limit my cycling content to mere pictures of bloodied men wearing lycra, I have decided to start my own forum for such non-metal content. Look, I fully understand that most (if not all) of you have no interest in men with shaved legs wearing colorful jerseys that are skin tight...and really, who can blame you?

Although I don't believe that my predilection for this unusual sport has tainted my work here at MI, I do believe I stand a better chance of getting free crap by starting another blog purely devoted to cycling. Okay, I'm kinda' joking about getting free stuff. Anyway, this new blog's name is (drumroll please) Cycling Inquisition. I know, I know...it's an insanely lame name for a blog. I couldn't think of anything else, and thought I could greatly benefit from the brand equity that we have created here at MI. Much like Billy Milano decided to name his band MOD after having been in SOD...I have decided to rip off the blog's name. I'm the Billy Milano of the blog world...ehhhh...lame. Please don't point out how the name doesn't make any sense, because I know it doesn't. I just couldn't think of anything else. Although I guess it kinda' makes sense...if you assume that I want to convert the entire world into cyclists or cycling fans...which is not true at all...since I couldn't possibly care less. Still, if any of you have a better name, tell me and I'll gladly change it.

So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I shall be reborn and hope to bring the very few who may follow me some amusing content. Needless to say, I'm not leaving MI at all. Metal is in my blood, and I can never turn my back from it. As such, I will do double duties and attempt to bring the world even more of my hilarious insight...the type of insight and commentary that keeps you all coming back. Cheers.

Warbringer's balls don't smell, and they like Sacred Reich

2009-09-25T00:08:00.001-04:00

I recently made fun of Municipal Waste in Terrorizer for banging my ex and having smelly balls, among other things (read it here). I also called them phonies who tried too hard, along with other neo-thrash bands like Toxic Holocaust and Warbringer. It turns out that I may have painted with a brush that was a bit too broad (would hardly be the first time). Several people who I respect emailed or IMd me and said, "Bro, you fucked up, bro. Warbringer are the real deal, they're legit bros, bro," so I started to think I had made a mistake. I was still skeptical, though- I rarely make a false poser-accusation. I figured a good way to find out would be to go directly to the source and run them through a battery of tests.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that Century Media owns a controlling stake in Metal Inquisition, with Decibel/Red Flag Media's shares rounding out the mix.

They were game, so we asked Warbringer to watch the following videos and rate each one as follows:

Is the band True or False, and why? Think about all the dimensions of their personal brands: the music itself, their image, what you think they do for a day job, what their fans are like, and if the people in the band are fat. Say a little bit about your thoughts on each video (a few sentences/a paragraph).
Choose two finalists from the pool, one band who is The Truest and one who is The Most False and say a little bit about why you chose them.

Here is what they had to say:

Forced Entry "Bludgeon"
Hell yeah! This rules! Sweet headbanging rhythms and nice lil solo near the beginning. There's a lot of random stuff going on in this video... it has a guy grabbing a rifle and getting ready to shoot something out the window, then someone jumps into a swimming pool with a guitar and more random havoc intercut with relentless live and rehearsal performances. Forced Entry are an underrated band, probably due to being overshadowed by the Seattle grunge bands. Seattle actually had a lot of good metal bands around that time like these guys, Metal Church, Bitter End, Sanctuary, Panic and more. Definitely true!

Nitro "Freight Train"
Not only does Michael Angelo Batio's guitar have 4 necks, but it descends apparently from the realms of the beyond into his hands for ultimate ridiculous shred. Jim Gillette apparently used to shatter glass with his falsettos too. Also he has a palm tree growing from his head, which he displays proudly here. This had got to be some of the biggest hair of any hair band - can it be real? And this guy eventually hooked up with Lita Ford and is now some hulked-up MMA guy. This wins due to complete over-the-top factor, being more over-the-top than just about anything ever.

Burn Halo "Dirty Girl"
This is the new band from 18 Visions' singer. I hadn't heard of this band, and don't really know 18 Visions either, but looking at the video this is quite a departure from what I know of that. This seems pretty manufactured, and pretty uninteresting. It's kind of along the lines of corporate cock rock aiming to get some radio play. The guys in the band all make "look at me" faces the whole time. At least there are some babes in the video, I guess. False.

Prong "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"
This song is a classic for its time. I could imagine some gothy looking stripper dancing to this song, it would work I think. Don't know what to say about Tommy Victor's mesh shirt and pleather pants thing, hard to say why that would be. But here all is well, and pretty badass. At around 30 seconds- "Catch the ball next week with Alice in Chains at its new time at midnight!"

A Day To Remember "Downfall of Us All"
Can't say I like this at all. I had never heard of happy hardcore in this context before. Judging by this I don't think it's such a great idea either. The mosh parts don't seem like such a juxtaposition because even those parts sound happy and uplifting somehow. The whole thing sounds like they could easily be singing about Jesus, and that I just can't get behind. False.

Sacred Reich "Independent"
Ok now we are talkin! This song is pretty badass. We toured with these guys a little bit in Europe this summer and they were all rad dudes. The video is pretty much a lot of shots of them, playing metal and being badasses, and all these motivational messages that flash across the screen. This is fine though, as one of them near the beginning just says "YOU RULE!". Allrighhht!

Hollywood Undead "No. 5"
This video was directed by Jonas Akerlund, the original drummer for Bathory, eh? That is a fucking bummer. Well, regardless, this is a good example of white dudes totally sucking at being rappers. Oh well, at least we can get a fucking robot to sing the chorus for us! Robots are pitch-perfect! Marvel at its digitized sheen! False.

Emmure "Sound Wave Superior"
Whoa, this is fucking gay! I had never heard this band before, but if this is widely hated, it must be because many people have functioning ears. The wiggerness doesnt help get them out of the suck sector either. And whoa... now the singer (maybe its just the hoodie that makes him look chunky?) is in bed with all these hot chicks, and he looks really out of place. Also the whole song is a chugging breakdown. The whole song! Is falling asleep brutal? False!!

Wasted Youth "Good Day For A Hanging"
Classic old-school L.A. punk/hardcore. I definitely know the name. This features the guitarist in Velver Revolver and the drummer from Queens of the Stone Age but there are no sonic connections between those bands. Wasted Youth is better than either I think. Lots of moshing and playing drums on rooftops, playing a backyard party and badassery like that. I give a hearty thumbs up.

Blessed By A Broken Heart "Mic Skillz 2"
This is clearly a joke, very silly stuff here. "Go ninja, go ninja, go!' So while I can't really give it a stamp of trueness it is one of the more entertaining videos on here to watch. The video is just going for the over-the top angle and the song itself is ridiculous part after ridiculous part, so I guess it at least succeeds at being ridiculous. Shredding is good though!

Evildead "Annilhilation of Civilization"
Fucking awesome thrash! These guys were from L.A. and underrated. Guitarist Juan Garcia is alone true as he's been in so many good bands like Abattoir and Agent Steel and is still always playing around. The band is dressed like a fucking metal band, with the exception of the neon colored red hot chili peppers shirt. But that is ok. Then there is starving children, all kinds of creatures being brutally murdered, AIDS, and all kinds of horrible stuff. Then at the end there's some politicians. Those bastards! Look what they've done! True!

Winds of Plague "The Impaler"
This is probably a little more wigger than Emmure, it looks like a rap video basically. The music is a little better though, as once in a while the guitars are doing some not-chugging. Then it shifts from being in the club to being on a field of skulls, which is a clear improvement. Unfortunately then they decide to break it down for reals at this time, and that is a clear not-improvement. Pretty false I'd say.

The verdicts
For truest I would have to give it to Evildead, just for having probably the coolest song on here. Riffs and headbanging will always prevail.

For lamest it would be a split tie between Emmure, for trying so very hard to look tough, or Hollywood Undead, who rap about myspace and other such things.

***

Closing thoughts from Sergeant D
It's too bad they don't like any new bands like A Day to Remember, but the fact that they even know who fucking Bitter End are makes them OK in my book! And if they are into Dumt then I will erect a shrine in their honor.

90s power violence: A handful of diamonds in a sea of shit

2009-09-23T00:02:00.000-04:00

Imagine you are kneeling in front of a bathtub, and it is filled to the brim with human shit. You're elbow-deep, fishing around in it because you heard there were half a dozen diamonds in this giant container of feces. This is what it would be like to sift through the glut of so-called power violence records that came out in the 90s: almost the entire genre is the worst kind of generic garbage, with a handful of releases rising to the top. Sounds like a waste of time, right? Not so fast: The good stuff is so, so good that it is better than almost anything ever recorded in any genre (if you have heard "Downsided" you know what I'm talking about). Fortunately for those of you who aren't as familiar with the genre as I (regrettably) am, we're here to help.

If you've ever felt like digging into power violence but don't know where to start, this is your download/shopping list. This isn't an MP3 blog, but all this stuff is easy to find on Google Blog Search.

Sarge, you fucking asshole/poser/hipster/homo, this isn't metal
First of all, I hate the term "power violence," but I'll use it because I can't think of anything better and it gets the point across.

I know how angry it makes you jerks when I post about anything that isn't fucking Iron Maiden or whatever, so maybe you are getting butthurt about this post. Maybe you are thinking, "We don't want to read about these dumb hardcore bands from 15 years ago, we want to see pictures of Charlie Benante's spoon collection." If that's what you're thinking, I actually agree with you, and I would post them if I had any, but I don't. So you'll have to settle for this.

Excruciating Terror: Punk as fuck, right? You can tell by the Cypress Hill shirt.

Anyway, a lot of people now think of this stuff as "old school hardcore," but it certainly wasn't seen that way at the time and probably shouldn't be now. Most of the people in the bands and running the labels were sleazy dudes with long hair, Slayer shirts, and meth habits- metal as shit! It's probably hard for any youngsters reading this to imagine it, but in 1992, it definitely wasn't cool to wear Slayer or Metallica shirts to hardcore shows. Hardcore kids have only been seriously jocking metal for maybe 5-7 years- Skullkrusher and I went to a Youth of Today reunion show in 1998 or so wearing Anthrax and King Diamond shirts; we got LOTS of funny looks.

Where are they now: Chris from Apartment 213/Ringworm chilling in his backyard, complete with Larm shirt, folding chair, and plastic playground for the rugrats. One of the best dudes ever!

Punk rock ruined power violence
The thing that turned power violence into such a sea of shit was when PC emo/punk kids started flocking to it around 1997 or so. Spazz is probably to blame for this, as well as Charles Bronson. Actually, it's not their fault they wrote really fun, accessible songs that suburban kids liked, but it definitely made the genre less scummy and dark than, say, Excruciating Terror and No Comment did. Also, they weren't completely fucked up scumbags like most of the people in the early bands, so they were much more approachable and kids could relate to them more.

I have no idea why this dude from Plutocracy/No Less is in jail, but it's pretty much par for the course when it comes to the winners who started all the early bands

Within a few short years, though, what was once a wretched hive of scum and villiany had become flooded with copycat bands and what Nate from Creation Is Crucifixion once called "Locust wizards." It was completely ruined for me at that point. Instead of a bunch of fucked up losers who started bands because they hated life and didn't know what else to do with themselves, it became choked with uptight No Fun Club types who wanted to save the world and write songs about being vegan or the plight of native farmers in Antarctica.

Excruciating Terror with porn actor Randy Spears. This is the kind of awesomely scummy shit that got lost once the Locust wizards invaded.

There were way too many rules and it just got too close to the whole Ebullition/MRR scene for me. Too many assholes with spock haircuts and Swing Kids shirts, not enough alcoholics who worked at gas stations and listened to Ozzy. It was getting way too punk, and I mostly hate punk, especially the extremely dogmatic, shrill kind that was predominant in the late 90s. I got into this shit in the first place because the bands didn't give a fuck about the rules or being the next Noam Chomsky, so I was lost.

Where are they now: Dan from Spazz (right) is focusing on the hip-hop stuff he's been doing since forever as DJ Eons when he's not working as a Matisyahu impersonator.

The gems
When it comes to this genre, you really need to know what specific releases are good. Most of the bands were very inconsistent because they blew what little money they had on drugs, so what you often find is a very hit-and-miss catalog- you can't just pick a band and buy all their records, unless you want to end up with a bunch of crap. Here are the handful of records I consider mandatory. If you know the genre, none of them are surprises, but I'm not trying to impress anyone with my knowledge of the obscure.

Apartment 213 "Vacancy" 7"
This was one of the few good power violence records from a non-California band, and really came out of nowhere. Hailing from Cleveland, these guys were fucking pissed in a way that was different than the West Coast but no less brutal. They changed tempos on a dime just like the West Coast bands, but their slow parts had a downtuned, sludgy feel that added something new to the mix- I always thought they sounded like Infest meets Bloodlet, if such a thing is possible.

The first song on this record, "Mutilation," is absolutely punishing. I still don't think anybody's exactly duplicated it. They re-recorded it for their split with Agoraphobic Nosebleed, but the version on this 7" is much better if for no other reason than it includes what is one of the best samples of all time. It's been a long time since they told me the story behind the answering machine message they sampled, but as I recall it is something like this: Their original drummer, Ron, was banging some girl who dumped him. Ron was calling up her new boyfriend (who I guess was like 18) and threatening him relentlessly. Eventually the poor kid's dad caught wind of it and called Ron, leaving the message that you hear on the record.

Also, I once went to this crappy chain Mexican restaurant called Chi-Chi's with A213's singer, Steve, and his then-wife. As we were saying goodbye, he turned to his wife and said, "You better hurry home, that chimichanga didn't sit too well with me. The toilet's gonna look like the inside of an empty peanut butter jar when I'm done with it." He's a classy guy like that.

Despise You - Discography
Looking back, Despise You and No Comment are the two bands from this era that I listen to the most, probably because they have similarly bleak takes on life. Despise You also takes the cake as the most consistent band of the genre: all their releases are A+ material, in contrast to a band like Capitalist Casualties who has a LOT of crap in their catalog. Usually it's not so much bad songwriting that ruins their records, but awful production.

That is what Chris Elder's normal handwriting looks like, it's fucking amazing.

The other thing is that I appreciate DY even more as I get older, probably because I also get more bitter, jaded, angry and disappointed in myself. DY's singer, Chris Elder, also ran the label Pessimiser, and put out several 16 records in the 90s (check out our interview with them, I think it is pretty great). I've known Chris since I was about 15, and I think I was 18 or 19 when he sent me "Blaze of Incompetence" to review for my old zine. I certainly liked it, but mostly only because it sounded like Fudge Tunnel. I definitely didn't "get it." A couple years ago, I rediscovered that album. With 10 more years of shattered dreams, disappointments, heartbreak, and living around angry poor people under my belt, I "got it" much more than I wish I did. Instead of just rocking out to the riffs, I alternate between crying and punching the wall, in keeping with the "angry surrender" spirit of their lyrics. I called Chris and told him the above, and he just said, "Heh. Yeah dude... now you get it."

"Puppet" has all the pieces that make DY such a sick band: Blasts on the china, lyrics that makes you want to stick your head in the oven, and a breakdown suitable for moshing holes in the walls.

Along with me, Max from Spazz, and occasional MI contributor Awakening, Chris was one of the handful of people in the mid 90s who were into No Comment, Meat Shits, and Phobia as well as Abnegation, Raid, and Mayday. Crossing genre boundaries like that was definitely NOT common back then, so I was super stoked that they didn't give a fuck and just listened to whatever they liked. That's why I was extra bummed when they No Fun Club started listening to this shit and trying to enforce their rulebook.

Here's a pretty good, new interview with Chris.

Psycho/Agathocles split 7"
J/K LOL! This record is so bad it's like something I would have made up in 1994 as a sarcastic joke.

Crossed Out/MITB split 7"
I like MITB just fine, but I don't worship them like all the proto-beardos did/do. They have their moments, but are pretty inconsistent, especially when they got into the noise shit (a complete waste of vinyl if you ask me). This is their finest release by far in my opinion, with songs like "Snake Apartment" and "Screwdriver In The Urethra Of Tomas Lenz." The people who were way into MITB were/are usually weird, annoying people with poor social skills and bad hygiene... just like the band! I interviewed Eric Wood when I was 15 or 16 for my zine and was very, very confused. He reminded me more of my parents' burned out hippie friends who did too many drugs than someone who would be in a hardcore band. He didn't even like Youth Of Today, WTF! Here's a newer interview with him from Vice of all places; he seems as weird as ever.

"Instantly Bent" is a long, sludgy intro riff followed by what sounds like an out-of-context sample from a jazz song, like if you took 2 seconds from the end of a Jack Dejohnette solo and looped it a few times.

Someone once described this to me as, "It sounds like he's having a tantrum." Pretty accurate!

I like this song because the snare sounds like a sprinkler when he plays the fills.

Crossed Out were legends for good reason, essentially picking up where Infest left off and making it even more pissed off. In the same way as No Comment was the bleakest band, Crossed Out was the most angry. They didn't really last long or hang out much, so I don't have any funny stories about them, sorry. Their 7" is also excellent, but the basement-level "we recorded this in 45 minutes on my sister's old Fischer-Price tape recorder" production on this record makes it a little better for me. This kind of music is almost always better with shitty production.

No Comment "Downsided"
This is the soundtrack to having the fucking gun in your mouth, razor at your wrist, or rope around your neck. It's also arguably the best hardcore record ever made, no joke. Think of it as the desperation and despair of Black Flag "Damaged" with the pacing of early Napalm Death.

Here are about half the songs on this 7". Have a phone handy with the suicide hotline on speed dial, this shit makes Neglect sound like New Found Glory.

I don't really know what to say about this other than what I did already... I've consistently listened to this record for 15 or so years and it still gives me chills. Nothing else quite captures the feeling of being at the absolute bottom... Nice attention to detail in the packaging, too: the lyric sheet folded out into a 2x3' poster of a slit wrist, and the inscription on the matrix was "Do dilaudid, flip your lid" on one side and "Quitarte sus problemas con Vicodin" on the other (which means "solve your problems with Vicodin" in Spanish). Like I wrote about the other week with regretcore, it's clear that this record was made by people with legit, crushing dysfunction, not angsty teenagers.

Definitely check out this interview with Brent for more background.

Capitalist Casualties "Art of Ballistics"
This was one of the first super DIY records I ever bought, back in 1991 I think? I bought this, MDC "Millions of Dead Cops" LP and No Comment "Common Senseless" 7"- not a bad way to start, right?? Speaking of unpunk shirts, I remember being extremely puzzled by Mike's Slayer shirt in the pictures on the lyric sheet. "WTF," I said to myself, "I thought these guys were punk?! You can't wear a Slayer shirt if you're punk! That's like petting the cat backwards, it's just not done!"

This is actually from the "Raised Ignorant" 7", which I don't really like, but this song is one of CC's best. Really brutal both lyrically and musically.

Unlike most of the other records I've talked about in this post, this is pretty much a straightforward hardcore 7". As many have said before, it's just the next evolution of first DRI LP: no frills hardcore from a bunch of pissed off kids that doesn't claim to be anything other than that. While they've evolved the formula a little, you can see that they're firmly rooted in 80s hardcore when you see song titles like "My Dad Kills For The USA" and "Nuclear National Park." What's next, "Honey, I Moshed The Kids"? "Crass Ventura, Punk Detective"??

Their split with MDC is another one of my favorite releases, as well as the tracks from "Bleearrrrrgggghhhh."

Spazz "Dwarf Jester Rising"
I'm guessing that many of you are already familiar with Spazz, but if you aren't, you definitely want to check them out. They started in 1992 or 93, basically the first of the second wave of power violence bands, and had members from a strange variety of bands: Sheep Squeeze, Plutocracy and Stikky. Chris Dodge was also in a very early incarnation of No Use For A Name and worked at Fat Wreck Chords for years, which I always thought was pretty funny since it was definitely "against the rules" to like both Fat bands and power violence.

Where are they now: The sad tale of Black Army Jacket. Drummer Dave Witte (left) is still keeping it real as fuck and plays in the popular neo-thrash band Municipal Waste. Bassist Carlos Ramirez (far right), on the other hand, has retired from hardcore and spends most of his time chilling on a boat with some AZN bro and his guera wife. List of people who nobody cares where they are now: The original drummer for BAJ.

Many people will disagree, but I think the best Spazz material by far is the early stuff, like pre-"La Revancha." After that they started sounding a lot more, for lack of a better word, "hardcore," like Straight Ahead or something. The earlier material is more pissed and slightly grindy, which is probably why all the suburban emo kids like the later stuff better.

One of their best songs, "Loach." I have no idea what it's about.

"Hairfarmer" is about how Max Ward had a giant, curly mop when he was in Plutocracy. The second part is about this guy Rob Beckstrom's son, also named Max. Rob started going bald early, hence "Max Jr flowing on top, growing more hair than his pop." As an aside, if you know anything about 90s Bay Area graffiti, it's pretty funny that both Rob and Dan from Spazz were early members of US. If you happen to know Rob, I lost touch with him a while ago but it would be cool to hear from him again!

Here are a few funny Spazz memories:

Max was briefly in the Meat Shits with Kindred from No Less/Plutocracy, and someone asked him to sign the record he played on for a joke. I think he wrote something like, "Fuck you, Robert Deathrage is a nazi."
Going to Gilman with Max when I was 17 or something in his dad's Acura Legend. I was holding his snare on my lap and he said "Dude be careful, if you scratch the leather my parents will be super pissed.
Shopping for Mecca and Wu Wear gear at some wigger store in Cleveland with Dan

Cry Now, Cry Later 1 and 2
These two compilations are absolutely mandatory, especially if you want to get the sleazy, scummy Southern California take on things. Maybe I'm imagining things, but I feel like not enough people are into these records. I mean, people definitely still jock MITB, but when was the last time you heard some brainded crust punk say, "Bro, fucking Iabhorher, bro... that song is fuckin hella mass tight bro!!" They definitely aren't checking out Meat Shits, the Fear Factory demo track, Crom, or any of the other great shit on these comps, either. If you haven't given these a listen lately, you probably should. Vols 3 and 4 were OK, but by then it had been diluted by the copycat bands who just ripped off Charles Bronson and didn't listen to Gut or Malicious Hate.

If only all Excruciating Terror records were like this: The filthy production of the 7", with the "polished" songwriting of the LPs. Probably their best song.

Featuring Municpal Waste/Discordance Axis/Black Army Jacket drummer Dave Witte, Iabhorher definitely got overlooked. I think this might be the best song on all of the Cry Now comps, and their 7" on Slap A Ham was equally crushing.

Crom is simultaneously the most brilliant and most retarded band of all time. Long before Max from Spazz started the trend of jocking Hirax, Crom's mind-blowing cover of "Hate Fear And Power" appeared on "Cry Now, Cry Later." I can't believe they managed to make a band as fucking awful as Hirax sound this good!

Malicious Hate is a perfect example of an "Honorable Mention" band, especially this song that was on that weird 8" comp that came out on Ax/Ction (I can't remember the name of it).

Honorable Mention & Stuff I Forgot
There are lots of other bands that were interesting and worth digging up if you're really into it: Stapled Shut, Agents of Satan/Radioactive Lunch, Plutocracy/No Less, Benumb, and other random shit like Avulsion, the one and only Bludgeon song ever recorded, or Noothgrush. But then I would have to start mentioning bands like Black Army Jacket and Praparation H, and nobody wants THAT to happen!! I'm sure the comments will have some good suggestions and/or things I should have mentioned but forgot to.

Suicide Silence: Total fuckfaces, no way around it

2009-09-21T00:04:00.000-04:00

Rule number 1: Unless you're an asshole, never trust a hipster's musical opinions. They hate fun and only love Volkswagens, beards, and Hydra Head bands. But I'll admit, even I sometimes forget that they're full of shit. For example, until recently I never gave Suicide Silence a fair chance; I wrote them off like every other deathcore band that's hated by the press and loved by kids because 99% of deathcore is fucking garbage. But after learning that the also-hated deathcore kingpins Winds of Plague were actually a sweet band as well as awesome dudez, I pirated the last few Suicide Silence records and gave them a listen. It turns out they are a really fucking good band. I am also confident that if they were from Philly and had beards, all the Converge and Relapse turds would sweat their balls like they were the second coming of Mastodon.

To atone for my mistakes, I figured we should interview them. I'll admit, I was kind of bummed that the dude didn't seem to think the interview was very funny, but maybe he was just trying to be funny in his own way. I told them to try to make their answers over the top so it would be more entertaining for our old, bitter readers, but he really just came off as more stangry than anything else. He has special needs, though, so try to cut him some slack: he is from Riverside, which is more or less like being dipped in fetal alcohol syndrome immediately after birth, so you can't expect him to be a comedian on top of being the face of deathcore.

Honestly, this shit is fucking brutal. I wanted to hate this band but after listening to them I just can't, they're hella mass tight.

You have a new album entitled "No Time To Bleed," which is excellent and even better than your last one in terms of both songwriting and production. In spite of that, it seems like your band is pretty polarizing and you have a lot of haters. Why do people hate on Suicide Silence as much as they do? If you could direct their anger toward another band, who would it be? Please be specific and name names- you don't have to worry, everybody who reads this site is an old, bitter hater and will only like you better for talking a little shit. You are in a safe place... just let it happen...
I think people hate on us because of our success. We still get shit like "you're a hype band" and what not but I really don't give a shit. I think it's all good as long as they know who we are and form an opinion about us whether it's negative or positive. So after saying that I would direct everyone's hate right back to us because at least they will know who we are. So Fuck it. Fuck your site and fuck all the haters who are reading this, do you hate us so much you are reading this interview? How's that for being specific.

Wow, limited to ONLY 10,000?! With that kind of DIY spirit, it's hard to argue with statements like this one: "Suicide Silence, an astonishingly well-developed five-piece from Riverside, CA, are a true product of that always thriving underground, a band single-mindedly focused on creating rabidly heavy and aggressive music."

There are few genres I dislike more than deathcore, mostly because it is full of generic, dull bands that bore me to tears and bring absolutely nothing new to the table. However, I like Suicide Silence a lot, even though you are deathcore poster children, representing the genre just like N*Sync represented boy bands in the 90s. Why do I like your band better than all the other deathcore bands?
Because Deathcore is a cluttered over saturated genre but to ask me why you like my band is pretty stupid. When we started doing this there was no such thing as Deathcore. I'll ask you the question that I am still curious about, "What the hell is Deathcore?" I really don't even know and quite frankly don't care but I know I am where I am playing music and seeing the world and meeting my idols.

The singer (left) looks a LOT like me in this picture and the one at the top of the page, kinda creepy! The rest of the guys look like they would change my oil on a Saturday morning while listening to Deftones via the local "hard rock" station on a boom box.

Along those same lines, it must be kind of awkward because I'm sure you have a lot of friends in similar-sounding bands, and when you talk to them, you both know that Suicide Silence is not only way more popular than their band, but also better. How do you deal with that? When you can tell one of your friends is jealous, bitter and/or butthurt because you are more successful than he is, how do you put him in his place without being a total fuckface?
Everyone just fucks around and talks shit and says things like "Shoulda wrote a better record." or "Maybe if you weren't on so and so records you'd be doing better?". Most of the time you have to be a total fuckface, no way around it. It's not like it isn't the truth it is just the way it is.

Jeff Foxworthy: "If you're in a deathcore band, and you sell mesh shorts... you just might be a wigger."

Deathcore and wiggers seem to go hand in hand. For example, I was at a Four Year Strong show last night and saw half a dozen kids in mesh basketball shorts and Winds of Plague basketball jerseys. Even though you are from Riverside, which is choked with wiggers, you don't seem to be too into that stuff (although you do sell mesh shorts and flat-brim hats). Why do wiggers like deathcore so much? Why don't you guys wear puffy vests like Johnny Plague?
Seriously? I don't really know how to answer that? We don't wear stuff like that because we aren't like that. Riverside used to be packed with boot wearing skin heads and punks? I used to wear trench coats and and push mosh? Why did I do that? I wanted to get peoples attention and/or piss people off. Thats probably why these kids look like wiggers? Somebody they idolize wears that shit too and they wanna have the attention their idols do.

Speaking of wiggers, I'm sure you are familiar with the moderately popular deathcore band Waking The Cadaver. In case you didn't know, the singer now sells Amway products on MySpace, so if you need shampoo, energy drinks, or meal bars, he can hook you up. How do you think women feel about buying cosmetics from the guy who wrote "Chased Through the Woods By A Rapist"? What do you guys do for spare cash when you're desperate?
I personally don't care, but if I need to make money I sell things that you can't buy in stores. If you know what I mean?

We didn't have hot scene girls at hardcore shows in the 90s, but kids these days don't have motherfucking EXCESSIVE FORCE! *cough* OK, I can't lie. We definitely got a raw deal- Dan Gump is hardly worth trading for Melissa Millionaire. I'll try to make myself feel better by counting how many backpacks and pairs of denim shorts are in this video.

You are from Southern California, which makes me think of all the awesome hardcore bands that I moshed my balls off to in the 90s: Adamantium, Excessive Force, Wrench, Throwdown, and especially 18 Visions. I tripped the fuck out the other day when I was at a gas station and they played Burn Halo, the new band featuring Jame Shart, the former singer of 18V. Did you ever see 18V? What did you think of their transition from JNCOs and dreads to Velvet Revolver-meets-Marilyn Manson? What do you think the future holds for Jame Shart and Burn Halo?
Yeah I've seen 18V i never was a big fan but I used to love Adamantium. I really thought 18V fell off hard in like 03-04 when James started looking like Scott Wieland? I really don't know what the future is for them or him? I think they will tour and try and get big in the main stream but even if they get any big success it won't last long. No one with even the slightest heavy side lasts in the main stream anymore it's a pathetic scene. Maybe if James' last name was Jonas there would be a chance.

In 2009, girls that look like this listen to Skinless, I Declare War and Suicide Silence. We were lucky to have The Great Kat. Why wasn't I born 15 years later? Fuck life.

I started going to shows in 1989. Back then, absolutely no hot girls went to shows or listened to hardcore, metal or whatever. Fortunately for you kids, it seems like there is no shortage of hot, crazy scene girls at shows these days- in fact, Suicide Silence seems especially popular with them. What would you do if you were transported to 1991 and your shows were suddenly full of nothing but outcasts and chronic masturbaters in XXXL Morbid Angel shirts, as was the case back then? What advice do you have for up-and-coming bands as far as chicks go?
If I was back then I'd be stoked because it'd be easier to spot the hot chick you want to party with after the show since there were hardly any. As far as advice for up-and-coming bands, I'd say be ready for a continuous dry spell in metal chicks because grunge is coming to ruin it for you. So take what you can get!

Perhaps the most compelling endorsement of their status as a legit metal band is the seemingly endless stream of subhumanly stupid white trash fans flocking to see them in this video

Please watch the following videos and give me your first impression in a few sentences:

Which is your favorite and why??
I'd rather not waste my time watching any of that crap. It will just piss me off more.

Bro. There is this thing called a "gym"...

That's it for us. Thanks for your time, is there anything you would like to add?
This interview put me in a bad mood.

Introducing SLAMBURGLARS

2009-09-18T00:04:00.002-04:00

I imagine the dudes in The Vandals tripped the fuck out when they heard Vin Diesel make an "Anarchyburger" joke in "XXX," because I think you naturally assume nobody other than your mom pays any attention to what you do. Our moms don't read this blog, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was there a kid with a blog in England who is obviously a Sergeant D fan, and that I see crunkcore/BrokeNCYDE references in metal magazines/blogs all the time now. I also noticed that Last.fm's "wigger slam" tag had 40 users who made some nice additions to the description and genre artists.

One of these artists was a new band called Slamburglars. With song titles like "Straight Up Thuggin' (With Winds Of Plague And That Faggot From Waking The Cadaver)," "Get Crunk!!! Feat. Lil' Jon ," and "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)," clearly they have also read Metal Inquisition once or twice. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, I was sincerely flattered and figured we should interview them.

I left the spelling mistakes in his email intact to underscore the fact that he seems to be at least somewhat of an authentic wigger.

You are in a a joke wigger slam band, Slamburglars. Please tell us give us more details about how this "band" came to be, who is in it, etc. How does it compare to the world's original joke wigger slam band, New Yorkment? How about Frogkill?
We're a silly slam from Boston, MA. We consist of John Lucci (Crunkmeister 3000) on guttural exhales and gravity bong inhales, Connor Dunbar (Wiggerific Wiggerment) droppin 808 bass harder than bombs on Hiroshima, and Kyle Hagan (Slamboyant Goremasexual) on the six strings of steel and five knuckles of brass. I (John) have been into slam for a couple years, and I have appreciated New Yorkment’s comedic approach to making fun of the wiggers that have infested slam death metal. I am also pumped about the Frogkill dude’s new project, Impulsive Evisceration because his shits quality. Basicially, one night we got hella blazed and hella crunk and saw Composted live. After their set we changed our pants, went home, recorded a demo (The Carnivorous Butterflies Demo), then recorded an album (Hallucinogenic Hymns For The Morbidly Obese) the next weekend, and an ep (Decemberment) a month later. And then came the monstrosity that is… Cookie Monstrosity.

The production on your "album" is so atrocious that it would make 7 Minutes of Nausea weep with despair. In an era where you can get free software and dirt cheap hardware, what is your excuse? Don't you think the joke would have been funnier if the songs were actually listenable?
You see, if you want music that is actually funny and quality, listen to Composted. They are fucking hilarious and amazing musicians. If you want to piss off your grandpa and kill small rodents, blast The Slamburglars. We use the fucking horrendous sound quality to cover up the fact that we’re the 3 most untalented musicians on earth. And apparently we can’t hide it. Every day a different person posts “Worst band I have ever heard,” on our last.fm page. And one of our Japanese compadres, probably that dude from the Guttural Slamming Brutality Crew, said “Shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God.” I personally love brokenCYDE, so that might have been the greatest compliment I’ve ever gotten. But no matter how hard we try, we can never be as horrendous as Waking The Cadaver.

Nice to see that only 2 of the top 8 artists in the genre aren't jokes!

At first I thought you guys were probably teenage metalcore nerds because you referenced Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Lil Jon/Brokencyde, and other things that old people usually don't know about (where "old" is defined as 25+). But when I can actually hear the music, it sounds like you have some pretty decent slam/goregrind riffing going on so now I'm not sure. Can you tell me a little more about who you guys are? If you want to be "in character" and answer with a bunch of wiggerish nonsense, you can, but it won't be all that funny so I'd rather you didn't.
Well that’s really not us in character. All three of us are straight up blunt passin’, 40-drinkin’ wiggers. I think it’s impossible to be as unintelligent as we pretend to be, but we honestly like hip-hop as much as slam death, just like John Gallagher. If you look at music as just music, I don’t mind some brutal deathcore, and there’s a lot of shitty slam like the Slamburglars, but honestly, listen to the slam in “Blindfold Surgery” by Abominable Putridity and you will realize that there is nothing heavier than a straight up slam. We love that shit, and this band is a failed attempt at ripping-off/bringing that brutality, while throwing some lulz in there. The sole purpose of this band is pretty much for me to start fights over myspace.

"shitty faggotest on the last.fm. This Shit After hearing Brokencyde, Brokencyde looks to God."

There are many regional styles of wigger slam: Texas, Russia, New York, Japan, etc. Which one is the most inspirational to you and why?
EAST COAST SLAM, FO LIFE. In the local New England area we have some quality slam bands. Parasitic Extirpation, Dysentery, Composted, Eternal Suffering (whom I stole “East Coast Slam” from), that crew. But the United States puts out some of the shittiest slam out there. Honestly… Christian Slam? The Slamming Goregroove of Drowining In Phemaldehyde and Guttural Engorgement blew, but now Mark Lawls has to spoil our scene with Empty Tomb, his new Christian Slam band. Fuck Christianity. Fuck Open Mindedness. You want some quality slam? Go to the Czech Republic or Russia. I guess being formerly dominated by authoritarian Communism gets you wicked pissed, and when you’re wicked pissed you make brutal fucking slam.

One of your songs is entitled "Behead Those Who Insult Slam (Metal Inquisition Don't Know Shit About Tha Wigga Slam)." Can you tell me what this song is about? What made you think it would be funny to call it "wigga" slam?
That was just to piss off Sergeant D. That mofo actuially knows his shit, but anyone who confuses deathcore and wigger slam don’t know shit about tha wigga slam. And replacing “er” with “a” is a common practice in Ebonics, so I chose to embrace my full wiggerificness and exploit African-American culture, as all good wiggers do.

The REAL Big Chocolate

As the first band to put a bass drop into a slam riff (on "Pierced From Within"), Suffocation could arguably be credited as the inventors of wigger slam. Yet they also have brothers in the band. What do you make of this?
Suffocation and Composted are the only wigger slam bands that I know that are actually partially comprised of brothers. Is slam the new hippity-hoppity trend? Only time will tell…

Suicide Silence get butthurt about being called deathcore, I wonder how stangry they would be about being tagged "wigger slam"?

The guys over at Metal Sucks are old and out of touch. They don't see the difference between deathcore and wigger slam. I'm sure you'll agree that, say, Suicide Silence and Infernal Revulsion couldn't be more different, so can you explain it to them here, just so they know?
I could write a fucking book about this topic. Deathcore is death metal influenced metalcore. Metalcore fans are sissies (obviously) therefore deathcore fans are sissies. Wigger Slam is wigger influenced Slam Death Metal. Wiggers are sissies (obviously) but they steal parts of African-American culture in an attempt to hide that fact. They must not know shit about music. Deathcore is centered around “breakdowns”, which are generally mono-tone staccato patterns of sixteenth notes, showing rhythmic variation contrary to melodic variation. Wigger Slam is centered around “slams”, which are simplified breakdowns which usually consist of a combination of quarter notes and eighth notes and usually only utilize the first 4 frets of the guitar. Old-school style slams, such as those of Dying Fetus, Soils of Fate, and Internal Bleeding, often have melody and sometimes are in major keys. If you still don’t get it, then you should just go join Waking The Cadaver.

I am sure no girls read this blog, much less any scene girls. But if you a scene girl and you happen to read this, please email me and include a) n00dz and b) contact information.

On that note, you also have a song called "Deathcore Megawhore." Who is this about, and how can I contact her? Please tell me it is the girl who models the Winds of Plague booty shorts!
I fap to that picture daily. I wish that our band was famous enough to have eyecandy… I mean a “keyboardist” like Kristen Randall. Oh the things that I would do to her… But yeah, that songs about some bitch I hooked up with who liked Bring Me The Horizon but couldn’t get into Down From The Wound.

You guys are apparently avid readers of Metal Inquisition. What are some of your favorite posts, and why? (This is the part where you stroke our egos)
I would stoke more than just Sergeant D’s ego.

That's all I have, is there anything you would like to add? Thanks!
Yo homie, could you add in this html code down the bottom? Thanks.

Download The New Slamburglars Album "Cookie Monstrosity"

Alternate Download Link

Heavy Metal Jock Jamz: What's your playlist?

2009-09-16T00:41:00.001-04:00

With Mr. Olympia right around the corner, it's time to get serious about blasting your quads and getting shredded! There's no time like the present to get cannonball delts, crisp serratus, and lats that flare like the hood of an angry cobra! Since I am guessing most of you are either shut-ins with the physique of an AIDS patient or flabby Relapse beardos who haven't seen the outside of their mother's basement in a decade, I figured I'd share my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz and do my part to keep our readers get diesel!

Thanks to my Apple internetPod, my playlist is constantly changing. I can just put in a new tape when I get bored with the last one, so it's never the same twice. Still, I find that my Jock Jamz consistently fall into a few categories:

Infernal Revulsion are one of the many reasons why Japan is the leading producer of anime tentacle porn, Pokemon, and wigger slam.

Slamz & X Breakdowns X
This is a no-brainer: what would a gym playlist be without the fucking slamz?! I have written about this topic extensively so I won't duplicate all that here. Instead, here is a little checklist that you can use to evaluate any given slam band. Give them one slam for every time you answer "yes," and if they score 4 or higher, they are gym-worthy:

Camo shorts (extra point if they're arctic camo)
Puffy vests and/or parkas
Band is from Russia or Texas (extra point if they are more than 75% Mexicans)
Band name ends in "-ment" or "-tion"/"-sion"
Video features wiggerish arm movements, crab-walking
Bassist has his instrument below knee-level

Try it out and you'll see how quickly it will help you sort your slamz. For example, the clearly gym-worthy Katalepsy score a whopping 5/6 slamz, while Wormed scores 0. The checklist helped us realize that it is critical to choose occasion-appropriate slamz: Wormed are a great band, but not good gym material because they are too smart. Nobody wants thinking man's slam in their ear while you're trying to focus on your deadlift form.

Jer-Z will not be disgraced!! And look at those fucking puffy vests! Damn son! Get your ass over to the Willowbrook Mall and cop one for yourself!

The AC bro from Emmure and Jonathan from Forever The Sickest Kids both enjoy wearing colorful New Eras. I'd like to think that says that we can all be friends, whether we are scene, preppy, or 'core. We all love Hollister and New Era, and at the end of the day that is more important than our superficial differences, right?

Another genre for you to check out is what I like to call "scene wigger moshcore," which is basically shit like Emmure, The Acacia Strain, and Liferuiner. I coined this term because they have chinstraps and New Era hats like your standard-issue mosh wigger, but this bands rock them in bold colorways that would look right at home on Breathe Carolina or Dot Dot Curve. Anyway, all these bands basically sound the same: the ultimate expression of the 90s moshcore formula in a Zao-meets-Adamantium way. So basically, the fucking definition of gym-core.

Emmure's new album is brutal as fuck and full of sick XbreakdownsX and drama-inciting lines like "ask your girl what my dick tastes like."

When to play it: Pretty much anytime you want to feel fuckin' hard, for example when you are annihilating your abs with insane volume! Just put on some Cold As Life while you bang out a zillion reps, then mean mug the gym mirror, and be like, "750 crunches, what now bitch?! This gym ain't got shit on my steez!"

They look like Michael Moore, but these bros know how to write a fucking mosh riff that takes your mind off the pain of being alive for at least a few seconds.

Regretcore
Now let's talk about a very gym-worthy subgenre of hardcore that I like to call "regretcore." In a nutshell, it's the soundtrack to the moment when you look in the mirror, realize you're in your 30s, and that your life is a fucking mess because you're a fuckup who makes retarded decisions that you may not be able to fix. If you have had this moment you know exactly what I'm fucking talking about! Basically, it's "I'm honestly afraid I may have ruined my life forever" put to music, and it's so brutally honest that it can be a little hard to handle, like seeing your dad cry. Let me explain more...

Most of you already think I'm a gay poser, so whatever. When I wasn't listening to Pyrexia, 7 Minutes of Nausea and Dystopia in high school, I was jamming bands like All, Descendents, and later Blink-182, Saves The Day, etc. All their songs essentially amounted to "Wah wah, I like this girl but she doesn't like me back." That sucks but at the same time is kind of fun- you sit around with your friends and complain about chicks, go skate behind 7-11, and hit up Taco Bell. You forget all about it by the time side one of "Thrash Zone" is over.

I love regretcore so much that I got a Death Threat tattoo (the one on the left that says "Now Here Fast"). I am so gay that I got a matching Chris Isaak tattoo (the one on the right that says "Forever Blue").

Fast forward to 2009, we're all in our 30s, and shit is way too real. I ran into a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a bit. His wife just left him and I wanted to see how he was doing. The dude is a LEGIT hard motherfucker who has fucked up a lot of people, but he's human like the rest of us and nobody shrugs off a divorce. I asked him how he was doing, and he just said, "Well, I had the gun in my mouth last night but I couldn't do it." I was also getting a "divorce" after 8 years with my ex and I was pretty much in the same place, so all I could do was nod in agreement and say "I'm with you, dude." In 10 short years, we went from "The girl who works at the mall doesn't like me, boo hoo" to "My wife left me and I literally want to die."

Regretcore is what happens when you get a hardcore band made up of dudes in their 30s who are fuckups like my friend and I. Instead of singing about how the cute girl who works at Dairy Queen has big boobies, they write songs about trying to pick up the pieces of your life after a divorce, rehab, or prison. They don't have songs about how hard their crew is, their songs are self-directed pep talks that go something like, "Dude, I won't lie, you fucked up pretty bad. But don't kill yourself. If you're lucky you can maybe get a job at a gas station or something and piece together a few scraps of self-respect."

HAD TO BITE AND SCRATCH TO STAY ON MY FEET - WITH A HEART MADE OF STEEL, I SMASH THROUGH EVERYTHING!!

While bands like Sheer Terror, Crowbar, and Life of Agony paved the way, Terror are pretty the Led Zepplin of this subgenre: they're not regretcore, but it couldn't exist without Scott Vogel being a charismatic fuckup who writes uncomfortably straightforward songs about it. Lines like "Time and time again, I've fucked things up. All my hopes and dreams have been gone so long" are a trademark of the genre: Chris Barnes-like statements of fact that were probably written in a moment of tearful self-hatred after a week long coke binge and maybe beating someone half to death for reasons you can't remember.

Furious Styles is the hardest thing out of Seattle since Everything Went Black, check it out and maybe they'll give you a glimmer of hope that you can salvage your pathetic life. It didn't work for me, but who knows, maybe you're not as far gone as I am.

Death Threat is another cornerstone of regretcore, with brutally simple lines like "When you've got nothing you don't give a fuck" and "I know no other way to take the pain. Insted of trying to make things better I get fucked up everyday." You really don't know what to say because that really says it all in the most straightforward way you possibly could. Perhaps the ultimate regretcore line, though, is from post-Bulldoze band Terrorzone: "I regret what I did, though I had to do a bid." Translation: "I went to prison because I lost my cool and fucked some dude up, that sucked."

When to play it
Regretcore has no equal when it comes to gym motivation! When you have to dig deep and squeeze out those extra few reps, there's nothing like a little voice (I like to imagine it's Scott Vogel) whispering in your ear, "If you don't stay in shape no woman will ever be attracted to you and you'll die alone. Now give me one more set of squats, you fucking loser!"

Burn Halo is the new Douchebro Anthemcore band from 18V singer Jame Shart

Douchebro Anthemcore
Whew, that was heavy! Sometimes you get burned out on the regretcore and you need to lighten things up a little, using positive imagery to motivate yourself and get your hustle on. For that, there is nothing than a good Douchebro Anthem- what we used to call "hard rock." Sometimes you just want to forget your troubles, forget that you're a worthless trainwreck who wasted your potential, and just think about making (really fun) poor life choices, usually some variation on getting fucked up with some hotties at a party or club.

There are a lot of options when it comes to Douchebro Anthemcore, because there are a lot of douchebro that start bands, and apparently it sells because labels keep putting it out. It really depends on what kind of douchebro you're looking to be.

Some guys are more of the sensitive douchebro, so maybe they'll put on some Cold, Staind, or Hinder and think about how much tail they would get if they played an acoustic set at some "hole in the wall club" so it would be "really intimate." Then they would get really intimate with some recently divorced office hott who got shitfaced and left at the club alone by her equally shitfaced friend who promptly abandoned her when she met some dude.

The best part of this video is the retards who got Avenged Sevenfold tattoos- specifically, imagining the burning embarrassment they feel every time they see that this video has nearly 2 millions plays.

Me, I'm more of the aggro/party douchebro, so you'll find more stuff like Papa Roach and Avenged Sevenfold on my Heavy Metal Jock Jamz. I'll be flexing in the mirror, practicing my flirty pout that will melt the office hotts' panties off and playing air guitar to "Unholy Confessions" or "Last Resort."

When to play it: When the only way to cope with the crushing despair that comes with realizing you're a piece of shit is to act like an even bigger piece of shit.

***

What's on YOUR Heavy Metal Jock Jamz playlist? What makes YOU want to blast your quads??

The beauty and innocence of youth: Memories of outdoor shows in the early 90s

2009-09-14T01:06:00.007-04:00

Two weeks ago, this amazing picture of New Jersey's Revenant was posted here at Metal Inquisition. To say that I love this image would be a severe understatement. I mean, many have tried to encapsulate the youthful abandon that permeated early 90s death metal, but few images have done it as succinctly as this picture. What, I ask you, is more metal than playing the Fourth Of July picnic at your apartment complex? The varying heights of their hi-tops, the varying shortnesses of their shorts, the varying degrees of shirtlessness upon their chests. If you were there during those years, you understand why this image is so great. This is what it was like back in the early 90s, and if you missed it...you missed it. Death metal was new, china cymbals were huge, and Morrisound Studios reigned supreme.

A sweet outdoor show in Italy, with an audience made up of no one...because the picture was taken with a tripod and a timer. This picture, by the way, officially started the musical genre known as "small amp metal". In short, this musical style can only be played with small practice amps, and is at its best when the stage the band is playing in is at least twice the height of the tallest amp.

Memories:

During my reign as drummer of a handful of so-so bands in the early 90's, I played a few outdoor shows...just like the one pictured above. The band I played the most with was more of a grindcore band, but our shows were almost exclusively with death and speed metal bands. As a drummer, these shows were particularly frustrating, since grass is pretty much the worst surface on which your drumset can sit as you attempt to rip a brutal blast beat. As my drumset rocked back and forth, the cymbal stands dug into the soft grass, and you suddenly realized that you were engaged in battle with nature. Luckily, the bands I was in never attempted to seem evil, so when my cymbals toppled over onto the flower beds in front of the drumset, I probably looked less stupid than the death metal bands who would play after us. They, I have to tell you, looked seriously stupid. Have you ever seen a dude growl "Our next song is about a brutal serial killer...and its called..." into a mic, while standing on grass, at 2 in the afternoon, and a fly starts buzzing around his stinky hair? By comparison, we looked downright presentable and cool. Which reminds me, at one such show, a local band who we despised introduced one song by saying the following:

"This next song is about a cannibal who eats people"

Hmmm. As opposed to a cannibal who eats what? Tofu? By definition, a cannibal eats people, no? But anyway, I'm getting off track here.Out of the handful of outdoor shows (in reality, they were more like "backyard shows") that I played in during the early 90s, one surely sticks out in my mind above all others. Imagine, if you will, driving to a remote and rural location in the midwest...a town that was little more than a conglomeration of homes and had just recently gotten its very first stoplight. Then imagine a flatbed trailer, like from an 18-wheeler, with bands playing on top of it while it's parked in the middle of a depressing field. Billed as a "metal fest", the show was merely six bands and an audience of about 40 people. If you're a math genius like me, you can probably figure out that most of the audience was actually made up of the other bands. Depressing, I know.

Not happy with the fact that only horrible metal bands were getting to play outdoors, pseudo-prog bands have recently started to get in on the action. Here we see a prog band's singer and keyboard player praying that his parents don't come home early and yell at him for using all the extension cords.

It was one of the first shows that our band had played, so we set up a boombox in front of the stage to record our set. On the drive back home, I remember listening to the tape in my brother's car. Quickly we realized that two stoned Pantera fans had been standing by our beloved Panasonic boombox during the whole set, and endlessly did their horrible Bevis and Butthead impressions into it's tiny microphone. As a result, what we ended up with was a thirty minute tape of two rural jerkoffs with no teeth testing out their comedic chops onto our boombox. I remember what they looked like, slightly overweight and with nearly identical Vulgar Display Of Power shirts. The fact that they were only missing a few teeth, made them stand well above the rest of the audience, most of whom had even fewer teeth, and the few they had were dark brown. This, I would later learn, was partially as a result of drinking water pumped from wells, which lacks fluoride.

Outdoor shows in empty fields and backyards during the 90's would sometimes bring out bands who were barely metal at all. Like a community college who will let anyone in, backyard shows sometimes had bills with bands totaling well into the double digits. Inevitably, at least one band would feature a guy in a Dr Seus hat who was more than ready to use his wah-wah pedal for every song. Another interesting note about outdoor shows during that time: apparently no one was allowed to use anything other than small practice amps with 10" speakers.

You know how sometimes people talk about the "good old days"? When they do, all I can think about is that "fest". I remember standing in the hot sun for hours, playing on top of a trailer, watching fat dudes get drunk and turn their back on the makeshift stage as we played, so they could light off firecrackers in order to throw them in to the neighboring cornfield.

So why did I suddenly remember this less than memorable "fest"? Well, it's all because of the Revenant picture above, but also because of the videos below. The first video features an outdoor performance, but also the typical dude who is getting down, not realizing that he's really taking away from the "evil" atmosphere that the music is trying to convey. We had a few guys like this at our shows...one particularly memorable one was an elderly black man in a suit and tie who suddenly decided to take his tie off and wrap it around his head as he danced around like a six year old ballerina at a recital. His suggestive gyrating dancing is a sight I wont soon forget.

The second video reminds of this era because of the sheer number of bands that were this bad who I had the pleasure of sharing a bill with. Outdoor shows were particularly attractive to these types of bands. If at first you think they sound okay, keep watching...and wait until the singer starts. Thanks to the reader who sent this in.

This dude knows how to GET DOWN!

Although this show is taking place indoors, the musical quality is indicative of many small-amp/outdoor metal bands. Is this guy the greatest metal vocalist ever? Do you even have to ask? I'm glad that the drummer has headphones on, so he can play perfectly on time thanks to his click track.

A classic that we've posted before. Certainly worth checking out again.

Reader submission. Sometimes the show is not on stage at all...check out the dude dancing.

When Weed And Metal Goes Wrong Pt. II

2009-09-10T01:00:00.002-04:00

Thanks to the feedback for the first post of 'When Weed And Metal Goes Wrong'! There were some good ideas, additional mentions of metal failing at the topic of weed, and other discussion. If you missed the inaugural post, check it out HERE.

Again, like mentioned in the first post, most of the time weed and metal is a great combo, however, when you fuck it up, you fuck it up so bad that it’s laughable and/or sad. I’ve also foregone the “traditional” metal/stoner bands cause that’s just like shooting fish in a barrel.

For the second installment of 'WWAMGW' I'm gonna expand the boundaries a bit further than just rattle off bad metal songs about marijuana. For starters, a few readers mentioned Pantera in the first post which piqued my curiosity because off the top of my head I couldn't think of an overtly "weed" song that Pantera had written. Where did this connection come from? I searched through lyrics and album art and couldn't find any solid leads. In fact, I was surprised that Far Beyond Driven only mentions 'dope' a couple times and the word 'smoke' three times throughout the whole album - WTF?! Where was the Pantera-Weed connection? Coming up empty handed, I think I’ve finally found the culprit connecting the band to weed, quite simply: their merchandise. Talk about great branding! Rarely mentioned in song at all, the band earned their weed-loving rep through various pot-leaf emblazoned (huge pun there, sorry, had to) merchandise items like these:

Seriously, you can do a socio-marketing study on this phenomenon. However, like mentioned in the first post when referencing Black Label Society's fanbase (ie. predominantly trashy, with redneck tendencies and a love for Hot Topic and headshops) I think their fanbase saw the merch and sunk their teeth in deep. In short, it's impressive to see a band never pen a song about weed, rarely mention it in song, and yet become synonymous with marijuana. I'm not sure if I should give kudos or sympathy?

Moving right along… For better or worse, I've always had a soft spot for Fear Factory, I’m sure much to the chagrin of many readers. Strangely enough it was their much-overlooked EP Fear Is The Mindkiller that I first heard from the band sometime in '93.

(The nu-metal-odometer was broke that day)

My interest in the band tapered off right around Obsolete, but the deathblow came right around that time when there was a "supergroup" of sorts that featured Christian (bass) and Raymond (drums) of Fear Factory along with Stef, the guitarist from the Deftones, and B-Real of Cypress Hill fame. The name of this group: Kush. Yep, named after a strain of marijuana. This is such a bad name it rivals the lame band Dope (who got a good reaming in the first WWAMGW post) - in fact, I'm curious to hear which name readers think is the worse of the two? Please comment below. Not quite as overt as Cannibis Corpse and their hilarious song titles, but still having song titles like "Light It Up" the group is clearly a force to be reckoned with amongst highschoolers dipping their toe into the rap-metal water. In retrospect, there WAS some foreshadowing when Fear Factory's remix album "Remanufacture" had a short instrumental song titled 'Bionic Chronic' which seemed so outta nowhere (and out of character for the band) that I'm sure I wasn't the only person thinking something wasn’t quite right in the FF camp. In any event, so far God has fortunately jumped on the grenade and Kush hasn't put out a record (their debut was supposed to surface in '03), but I still wait with fear and baited breath...

(Smoke 'em if ya got 'em...)

Mentioning the Deftones does bring up a more pressing offense by the band (and I LIKE the Deftones): they're playing this year's 2009 Smokeout Festival next month with Slipknot. Double ouch! This is a real life example of the critical moment where weed infects metal in a bad way. You see, other bands playing this festival are acts like Kottonmouth Kings, Sublime, etc. and it’s hosted by Cheech and Chong. You can imagine the legions of mall dirt that will be in attendance. They should get Jnco to sponsor this fest, have booths for henna tattoos and dirty do-it-yourself dread locks and just call it ‘Dirty Crusty Burn-Out Fest’.

(Standard issue Smokeout Fest attendee - Thanks to yourscenesucks.com)

However, this edition of WWAMGW would be remiss without SOME mention of metal“fumbling the pass” when it comes to weed. So, without further ado, here are this post's contenders:

Cephalic Carnage - 'Kill For Weed' (From the Anomalies album)

I have to qualify this by saying: I love Cephalic Carnage. I think they're great, they're cool dudes and they all shred at their instruments. It pains me to write them up like this (much like Brujeria in the first post) but I have to mention this song cause it seriously made me laugh out loud. Truth be told, I think this song is awesome. I love the brazen, ridiculous concept of "killing for weed" cause that shit is just so plain extreme you have to - whether you like it or not - begrudgingly respect it cause they go there. The music is sweet, and the lyrics ain't too bad either UNTIL you get to the last few lines vocalist Lenzig bursts out and the song’s coolness is almost undone. In short, the song talks about how cops are fucked up, they'll tear your house apart looking for weed, the system is fucked up, weed should be legalized and how he kills to stop the cop mistreatment... sounds all good right? That is, until the last few lines where he says:

"This is a song about a schizophrenic,
I met on the street,
Told me how he killed for weed"

I thought my head spun around like in the exorcist in a true WTF moment? Did he just answer an interview question within the context of a song? Let me explain, those lyrics are actually IN the song ABOUT the song they are in and not just a liner note explanation. Talk about utter hilarity in some weird twist of circular logic. He might as well have said, "By the way, this song is based on a true story of my encounter with a mentally handicapped derelict, the names have been changed to protect..." except SUNG in the song as part of the song (in death metal vocals no less). Wait, maybe I should give them a pass for originality and good use of narrative dialog?

Vanillia Ice - 'Zig Zag Stories' (From the Hard To Swallow album) I know this might seem like I'm throwing a ringer out there from the get-go since this is Vanilla Ice, but hear me out. From a musical perspective, I really enjoy this record. Yes, I can hear you in the back decry how Ross Robinson (aka nu-metal producer extraordinaire) recorded this record - guess what: it's a musically inventive album (especially amongst the nu-metal glut when in came out in '98) with effects, layers and loops providing interesting textures and sounds (and you'll probably give silly nu-metal experimenter Tom Morello a pass for street cred and the status quo - lame). Rather than sit here and write a book about how Vanilla Ice's stylistic shift is already in its 12th incarnation of morbid self-impersonating sarcasm, let's just say I think it's a good record, BUT not without it's butchering of the topic of marijuana. Check out this lyrical except:

"...To blaze up a sac of that green bombay

And when I reach my peak, I explode like Dante

Tha ganjay has got my mind wide open, I'm soakin'

In the music, I use it, and don't abuse it

And true, it gets me high like the sky

I will buy 'till the day that I die

You ain't gotta ask me why

I take tokes from the smoke, I can't deny

Got a lifetime supply

And I wanna get you high"

I rest my case.

Before wrapping up, though, I also wanted to give a couple of honorable mentions. Firstly, thanks to SaveTheCirclePit for pointing out Sacred Reich's song ‘Ask Ed’ for the great lyrics:

“Sometime I like to kick back

Hit the fridge have a little snack

Grab the paper see whats on the tube

Stretch out and smoke a fat dube”

I thought the term dube went out in about '76, but the ‘Reich is reppin' it hard twenty years later! Also, an honorable mention shout-out to Decrepit Birth's Diminishing Between Worlds album. I stumbled across their lyrical delivery recently with great interest. They've somehow managed to write an album where the lyrics read like singer Bill Robinson is stoned to the bejeebus (say that like Bill Murray in Caddyshack). We're talking meta-physics, astral projection, multi-dimensions, etc. He accomplishes ALL of this without any mention of 'weed', 'smoke', 'marijuana' or any other drug-related connotations - good work and tip of the cap to you sir!

If you have ideas for future “WWAMGW” songs to discuss, let me know. The next edition may flip the script for a bizzaro post of ‘When Weed And Metal Goes RIGHT’! So stay tuned.

The worst death metal song of all time: Six Feet Under "Amerika The Brutal"

2009-09-09T00:08:00.002-04:00

I know what you are thinking after reading the title: "Dude, have you ever heard Cianide?!" Don't get me wrong, Cianide definitely fucking suck. They are wizard-level masters of being jaw-droppingly terrible. In fact, sometimes I can't sleep because I'm just curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my room, holding myself and rocking back and forth because of the scars carved deep into my soul from just the few moments I've spent listening to their seemingly endless stream of recordings. The reason I am going into so much detail about fucking Cianide is because I want you to understand that I know exactly how wretched they are. Only then will you believe me when I say that, hands down, "Amerika The Brutal" by Six Feet Under is the worst death metal song of all time! Let's look at exactly what makes it so awful...

Please watch this video in full before reading any further. And yes, this WILL be on the test.

Chris Barnes is stangry
I think I have mentioned it on here before, but I'm a huge fan of Loveline (only the radio show, the TV show was awful). One of the hosts, Adam Carolla, came up with the term "stangry," which describes someone who is simultaneously stupid and angry. I really can't think of a better term for Chris Barnes, as his whole post-Cannibal career has that kind of directionless, inarticulate anger directed at SOMEONE who is responsible for, well, all the bad stuff in the world. He reminds me of an old, half-blind moose who gets shot in the leg by a bowhunter and just runs around smashing into stuff, bellowing at the top of his lungs and lashing out at whatever is around him in an attempt to get back at whoever made him feel this pain and rage.

Here are the lyrics to the Old Skull song "Homeless":
People that don't have homes
I look in their eyes...
I see sadness
They don't have enough money to pay the rent
Because they don't have good enough jobs.
Why don't they have good enough jobs?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH EDUCATION!
WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH EDUCATION?
BECAUSE OF WAR DEBT!

Least sophisticated lyrics of all time: Six Feet Under or Old Skull?
I am not a fan of affected, figurative writing (unless we're talking about Hipster Runoff), especially when it comes to the lyrics. Please just get to the fucking point, I am a busy man and I don't want to spend time deciphering "coded messages in slowed down songs," to borrow a phrase. That includes the post-Dillinger Escape Plan school of "long witty/sardonic song titles." And don't get me started on Discordance Axis' song titles. That said, even a meat-and-potatoes writer like me must add a certain amount of style to his/her work or it just gets weird. Unless you're The Dwarves, who come off as (extremely creepy, fucked up) geniuses when they have song titles like "Let's Fuck," you can't get away with just stating the facts... which is exactly what SFU does, in the least interesting way possible.

I have discovered a new disease: Chris Barnes' Syndrome, in which you turn into a treant shortly after starting a terrible band.

If you watched the Old Skull video above, you will notice two things 1) their music so loose and noisy that it inadvertently sounds like Nuclear Death and 2) the absurdly simplistic lyrics make Discharge sound like James Joyce. But I can forgive them: as you may have also noticed, they were 12 years old when they recorded that song.

Like Old Skull, Chris Barnes' approach to writing lyrics seems to be "make an angry statement of fact regarding my opinion on a social or political issue." The problem is that he is 42 years old, so he can't use, well, actually being a child as an excuse. A couple highlights from this song:

Listen it's a fucking joke and they make you believe it on the TV
That's how they deceive you-
I watch and I listen and I question their reasons
You know what, I don't fuckin believe em

I worked in print shops for years when I was younger, and this reminds of the kind of thing that I'd hear at work there. Printing basically attracts the same people as framing, roofing, carpet laying, and other bottom-of-the-barrel trades: lots of alcoholic felons who have a chip on their shoulder and want to tell you all about it. You'd be standing there doing some mind-numbing bullshit like punching holes in booklets for 9 hours, and one of these guys would come over to you, lean in as though he was about to tell you something really important and say, "Those fuckin' politicians, man, they're all a bunch of fuckin' liars! I don't believe a goddamn word out of their mouths, they're just in it for the money, man!!" It's really uncomfortable, because what do you say?? I would usually just shrug, nod and say something non-committal like "Well I guess they're not getting your vote, are they?" and hope the guy would go wander off and rant at some other unfortunate motherfucker.

I'm not afraid to speak my own mind
I don't use the first amendment to hide behind
I'm guaranteed that freedom, I'm born with that right

First of all, in one breath he says he's not going to "hide behind" the First Amendment, then in the next line he reminds us that he is actually guaranteed freedom. There's always the possibility that he's got some kind of overthought-yet-insane Constitutionalist position, but I'm going to chalk it up to stangriness again. It has that "you're not the boss of me/you can't tell me what to do/you don't know me/you're not my real dad" vibe that's a sure sign of stangry.

Fart jokes: Never not funny!

If Terrence & Phillip made a death metal video, it would be this
I'm willing to bet Barnes has seen more than a little South Park in his day. What stoner doesn't take a few industrial-strength bong rips then stare at Comedy Central for hours on end while they shovel Doritos into their mouth and laugh way too hard at marginally-funny jokes? Based on the Video Toaster 2.0-level animation and 6th grade art direction, I'd say Barnes is a big fan of the Terrence & Phillip movie, although I'm not sure that he understands it's a joke in which the central premise involves how laughably awful the movie is.

This is seriously a picture of Chris Barnes with his riced-out Lancer Evo. I don't really even know what to say about this... there are so many levels of meaning in this image that academics will probably spend decades unraveling it and filling volume after volume of cultural studies journals with vain attempts at articulating the postmodern implications. It's like a white trash Horn of Plenty!

He was probably too baked to catch that part, and just nudges one of his bandmates out of his weed stupor, points at the TV and says, "Dude... we should our next video like that. I love cartoons, man!!" then they high-five and start laughing uncontrollably. After a minute, Barnes pauses for a second to ask "Wait... why are we laughing??" The other guy gets all serious for a second, then cracks up and says "Dude I don't even remember!!" and they laugh for another 10 minutes.

Here are couple of the best moments where SFU uses images and sounds to beat you over the head with his stangry political opinions. They start out pretty much dumb and straightforward, but by the end of the video it gets real fucking weird:

Racism is wrong! If you're an identical twin, don't hit random black people on the street with your purse!

Corporations have twisted the political system to serve their own corrupt interests! Also, there is a doll in a bikini that rides really high on her hips like they would wear in a ZZ Top video!

America is a country of greedy, shallow materialists whose avariciousness is exceeded only by their lack of self-awareness!

Uncle Sam is really a zombie! A zombie who wants your money!

Uh... I'll be honest, I'm not sure what this part is all about... probably something really deep though, let me get back to you!

OK, this is towards the end of the video. At this point they were probably just high as fuck and turning knobs on the computer to see what it would do. They thought this part looked "trippy" so they put it in the video.

You could literally grab just about every frame in the video and it would be so full of subhuman stupidity that you would probably faint in horror... so if you watch the full video, please make sure you are seated!

Like Pokemon, Chris Barnes is going down the natural path for his species and will soon evolve into his ultimate form. Protip: If you're a stangry stoner for too long, you turn into The Dude! Just ask my stepdad.

Kids, don't smoke pot!
I'm not really into the "scared straight" approach when it comes to talking to kids about drugs, but if you are, just have them watch this video. Then press "stop" on the VCR and turn to face the classroom authoritatively, arms crossed. After an uncomfortable moment of silence in which everybody reflects on the horrors they just witnessed, say "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions??"

It turns out that Bad Dudes was right after all.