Metaphysical Meanderings

When Mars Attacks...

2025-05-06T16:43:00.000-04:00

Mars: DUDE! Like where have you BEEN? I heard rumors a few months back you might be coming back, and I haven’t seen much from you! You doing alright?

John: Hi, Mars! Thanks for checking in on me. Yeah, I’m good…just chilling these days.

Mars: Yeah, that’s what I heard. When are you planning to grab life by the balls again, man?

John: At the moment I’m sort of on the sidelines, Mars, but I’m sure I’ll be back in the game anytime now. [pause] Compassion is not your strong suit, so I don’t mean to sound disrespectful or ungrateful for your inquiry but…

Mars: How many fuckin’ times do I have to tell you I’m not Mercury?!?

John: [holds up hand] I apologize. Let me try again: What the fuck, dude? You writin’ a book or something??

Mars: [smiles] That’s more like it! And no…I don’t do that literary bullshit, but Venus tells me you might be! That true?

John: [sigh] I knew it would get out eventually. What did you hear?

Mars: [chuckles] Don’t be too upset man…sometimes things come out in the heat of the moment, or after, if you get my drift [winks]!

John: I do not need details of your personal life, Mars…

Mars: So we were like really going at it a while back…

John: Let me try again…”could you open your fucking ears and close your fuckin’ mouth about that shit?”

Mars: Well we WERE…we do it all the time…

John: Mars, how did SHE hear about it?

Mars: Venus? Not sure. Probably from Lady Moon. They have these conversations like females do, you know, that I’m definitely not a part of!

John: I can’t imagine why. [eyeroll] Don’t you planets have enough shit to do without gossiping?

Mars: Hey at least we do it in person…these days most people do it on their phones!

John: You mean gossip, right?

Mars: Yeah, gossip. But they do sexy shit on their phones too, I bet! That can be FUN!

John: [facepalm] I suspect you’re missing the point, Mars. I’ll ignore the context of the conversation; everyone knows how you feel about that sort of thing.

Mars: DAMN STRAIGHT! It’s amazing but I get distracted by it. What the fuck was I saying?

John: Venus telling Lady Moon about my book?

Mars: OH YEAH! That’s it. What’s it about?

John: Well, I’ve started writing a book on presentation skills.

Mars: And how much a day are you working on it, dude?

John: Well, that’s kind of a complicated answer…

Mars: Come on, Scorpio sun! I’m not that smart but I know bullshit when I hear it!

John: [holds up hands in mock surrender] I’m working on it, I promise!

Mars: Get it done, man! That and your workouts. That Peloton isn’t going to ride itself, you know!

John: Yes, I’m aware. And I’m doing that, too. Anything else you want to bug me about?

Mars: [frown] Dude, we’re buds, right? Simpatico? It’s my job to push you so fucking deal with it!

John: Fair enough. I’m feeling inspired to go write right now, actually, so why don’t I hit you up later?

Mars: [nods] You know the rules, man. Kick ass. Take names. Repeat!

John: I think I can remember that.

Mars: LATER! MARS OUT! ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT...

The Scorpio in Pop Culture: Isa Briones as Dr. Trinity Santos of "The Pitt"

2025-04-29T14:59:00.000-04:00

Warning: Spoiler alert!

It’s easy to stereotype any astrological sign. But if you look at astrology online in any of its forms, you’ll see that one sign receives the brunt of the fear and criticism, and that sign is Scorpio. [OK, Gemini comes a close second but for different reasons!]

People fear sun sign Scorpios quite a bit because of who we are. To be fair, they’re not wrong; the negative traits of Scorpio can scare quite easily. The raw power of Scorpio can be very dangerous when used negatively; when combined with the desire for control and a serious amount of will, a determined, angry Scorpio can do a lot of damage. Straying into the dark side of Scorpio is something we must learn early and often, or we end up learning it the hard way as adults through failed relationships and petty revenge as we try to control everything when we should be letting go.

I was minding my own business watching “The Pitt” on Max and heard Dr. Yolanda Garcia (Alexandra Metz) ask Dr. Trinity Santos (Isa Briones) what her sign is while assessing a patient. “Scorpio!” responded Santos, without missing a beat. “Spicy!” came the reply from Garcia. Sadly, Dr. Robby (Noah Wyle of “ER” fame) silenced the exchange and there was no more about it.

As I studied the rest of the episodes, I looked for that conversation to continue or to hear more about astrology in passing, but sadly nothing else appeared, at least in season 1. Santos dropped a scalpel into Garcia’s foot by accident in another episode so I can see how there wasn’t a return to the potentially flirty conversation. But with the writers taking the time to establish Dr. Santos’ astrological sign in such a specific way, I had to wonder if they really wrote Briones’ character as a true Scorpio or if it was just something to make things seem more sensual or mysterious in the moment.

Isa Briones as Dr. Trinity Santos

Dr. Santos epitomizes Scorpio in many ways during the show. She is incredibly sarcastic and arrogant, swears a lot, and is bold and determined. She gives her colleague a cutting nickname (“Huckleberry”) even though he doesn’t like it; later, she offers him a place to live since he’s been crashing at the hospital. While alone with a child-abusing father, she takes the opportunity to threaten him with harm if he ever touches his daughter again. Her ambition is obvious—causing her to lose focus and drop the aforementioned scalpel into Garcia’s foot—and she is fearless, not shying away from the gorier aspects of emergency room medicine; on the contrary, she relishes the chance to see medical anomalies up close and personal.

The evidence is clear from season 1. To me, it seems like the writers did their homework and portray Dr. Santos with the extremes of the Scorpio nature. Of course, Scorpio that I am, I had to ask the next question: What does the actress’ chart look like? Is she a Scorpio? Does she have Scorpio placements? We will often see connections between a particular actor and their character.

Here is Ms. Briones’ chart, set for noon since we have no known birth time:

Isa Brione's Natal Chart, January 17. 1999, London, UK, 12:00noon (no time available)

In this case, we have…absolutely nothing. Not one Scorpio placement. Capricorn sun we know for sure. Likely Capricorn moon unless it’s after 9:12pm GMT, which would make for an Aquarius moon, so a Scorpio moon is impossible. Our only Libra planet, Mars, will not go the nearly four degrees in a day to give her the opportunity at Mars in Scorpio, although considering Mars’ connection to surgery, that would have been cool to see.

Now I know what you’re thinking…we don’t have a birth time. Is it possible that Ms. Briones’ birth time is somewhere 1:10 and 3:55am GMT? If so, that would make her a Scorpio rising. Unless we find her true birth time out there someplace—possible but unlikely!—we will never know.

Even though Ms. Briones’ chart is not that of a Scorpio, I give her a huge #stingersalute for playing a Scorpio character exceptionally well. I look forward to seeing what she will get up to during season 2 and really hope she sticks around for a while!

Cloak and Dagger, Part 1

2025-01-17T22:01:00.004-05:00

[Moon knocks and enters the Sun’s office]

Moon: Sol, we’re supposed to meet before your next meeting in a few minutes…

Sun: Yes, Luna. Please sit down.

[Moon sits opposite the Sun, at his desk]

Sun: [points to door] Are they outside?

Moon: Yes, they’re in the waiting room.

Sun: Good. [pause] [low voice] Do you know why these two are here?

Moon: The invitation you sent was sufficiently vague. [smiles] I have an idea, Sol, but no specifics.

Sun: [smiles] You want to tell me what you think?

Moon: Normally, Sol, I’d disclose my thoughts to you, but in this case I think I’ll remain silent.

Sun: Curioser and curioser! [chuckles] Allrighty then. Send Mercury and Saturn in, please, and shut the door behind us. Make sure no one else is in the waiting room until they both leave, please.

Moon: Of course, Sol. [opens the door and motions for entry] The Sun is ready for you, gentlemen.

[Mercury and Saturn enter]

Sun: Lady Moon, would you be so kind as to store Mercury’s cell phone until we’re finished, please?

[The Moon reaches toward Mercury]

Mercury: [groans and hands cell phone over to the Moon]

Sun: Thank you kindly, Mercury. You may now close us in, Lady Moon, and please hold all my calls.

Moon: Of course, sir. [leaves and closes door]

Sun: Hi there, gentlemen. Thanks for coming in.

Saturn: Sir, I’m a little confused about why I’m here; your meeting request was rather unhelpful in that regard.

Sun: There’s a reason for that, Old Man. Mercury, could you please repeat to Saturn what you told me earlier?

Mercury: Yes, sir. Word has reached me that our favorite blogged has started writing again, and…

Saturn: We’re aware, Mercury. I’ve spoken with him myself about resuming his interview series. So why is there all this secrecy?

Mercury: You didn’t let me finish, Saturn.

Saturn: Wait…there’s more?

Mercury: Yes. May I finish now?

Saturn: [SIGH] Of course, Mercury. Please go ahead.

Mercury: According to a reliable source, our favorite blogger is writing another book.

Saturn: Whoa! That IS a big deal. [looks around furtively] Who else knows about this?

Sun: This is why you’re here, Saturn. This information is close hold; only the three of us know, for now.

Saturn: Lady Moon doesn’t even know?

Sun: I have not informed her, but her instincts are excellent, as you both know. Before we began, I asked for her impressions to find out what she knew, but she declined to say anything. I suspect she did not want to bias me. So it’s just us, and we need to keep it that way. That’s a direct order, Mercury.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I’ll send anything else I get your way.

Sun: Thank you very much. You’re excused. Make sure you ask Lady Moon to return your cell phone.

Mercury: You’ve got it, boss. [leaves the office and closes the door behind him]

Saturn: We don’t know anything else? It’s not a lot to go on.And while I’ll agree this is a fantastic development, sir, I’m still not sure why I’m involved.

Sun: You know him better than any of us, and I’m asking you to see what you can do to help him out.

Saturn: I tend to stifle his creativity, sir, so I’m not sure how helpful I can be.

Sun: I disagree. I think you will be a great help to him. I need two main things from you.

Saturn: And they would be…?

Sun: First is to keep him on track. He’s busy but this is important. His first book published nearly 9 years ago. Give him some flexible Saturn in Gemini boundaries so he does a little each day and doesn’t burn out.

Saturn: That I can do. And the second task?

Sun: Let me know immediately if word gets out about this among the team. I don’t want anyone to know, especially Jupiter.

Saturn: [nods] Sounds simple enough.

Sun: As you interact with him, keep your ears open and report anything you think I need to know directly to me. Contact Lady Moon and ask her to set up a meeting on my calendar. Entitle it “Boundary Violations” and don’t say anything to her about what you’ve found. That meeting title is generic enough that anyone who looks at our shared calendar won’t suspect anything.

Saturn: I hear you, sir, and I’ll follow all the protocols. [stands up] Is there anything else?

Sun: Thank you, Saturn. Nothing else at this time. [Saturn turns to leave] This is a big deal, Saturn. Do what you can to help him out. I don’t want him giving up again; too much time has already elapsed.

Saturn: [turns around] Yes, sir. Maybe the timing was not right before, but it is now. I’ll do what I can. [opens the door and leaves]

Meeting of the Planetary Minds: Back to Business

2025-01-15T21:33:00.002-05:00

Sun: Good morning, all! Welcome to our first meeting of 2025!

Venus: Good morning, sir!

Neptune: [SIGH]

Pluto: Chin up, Nep…we talked about this!

Neptune: I know, but [starts to cry]…I hate leaving my favorite sign for such a long time!

Pluto: Change is inevitable, Nep, even for us. And you’ve still got a little while before you’re out of Pisces. Then it’s Aries, a whole new world you haven’t seen in several hundred years. Evolution, baby!

Venus: He’s much more sensitive than you are, Pluto!

Moon: Quite true, Lady Venus. The idea of being in a sign for so long is a lot. I can’t even imagine!

Pluto: Been there, done that and I’ll agree. I went through it a number of years back when I left Scorpio, but I didn’t go all blubbering in a damn meeting.

Saturn: This is definitely not the time or place for it.

Sun: Neptune, I’m really sorry. Do you need to be excused?

Neptune: [dabs at eyes] No, sir. I think I can make it. [takes a pull from his flask]

[Pluto rolls his eyes]

Sun: Allrighty then. Lady Moon, remind me who’s out on retrograde leave right now.

Moon: At the moment, sir, we’ve got three planets out on business: Mars, Jupiter, and Uranus. Everyone else is here.

Mercury: I concur with Lady Moon’s assessment. Her information is correct.

Sun: Excellent. Thank you both for the update.

Pluto: With Mr. “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter” out of the way for at least another month our meetings will be free of bawdy jokes, which is a little disappointing. Not much, but a little.

Venus: I’d agree with you, Pluto, but I still miss him from time to time.

Pluto: [scoffs] You’ll get over it.

Saturn: He’s not wrong, Lady Venus.

Venus: Come on, you two. I’ve been working on him about his…how to say this in a nice way…ummm…his oversharing during meetings. Cut him some slack, please!

Sun: That’s enough, Pluto. And you’re not helping either, Old Man. You both know better. Even though it’s only our first meeting of the year I’d like to make it through the entire agenda once without us falling apart like usual. [Saturn glowers] There are tons of transitions involving the outer planets this year, although one has already begun. Pluto, why don’t we start with you.

Pluto: I mean, no big secret, boss. I moved into Aquarius on November 20, and I’m still adjusting. Another long period under the Old Man’s influence, although Urnie being involved will certainly make it interesting.

Sun: I can imagine that’s true, Pluto. You’ll need some time to readjust to Aquarius, but you’ll get there. Neptune, I’d like you go next. I know it’s not easy…do you need us to table your update for next time?

Saturn: With all due respect, sir…

Pluto: Oh, here we go with Doug Downer!

Saturn: [shoots daggers at Pluto] As I was saying, sir, before the grossly inappropriate and downright egregious boundary violation, I think Nep should brief out what he has.

Sun: As insensitive as this may seem, Nep, I would like to hear from you today. You’re here and you say you’re OK, so…

Neptune: I guess, sir. I move into Aries on March 30 beginning my shift out of Pisces. As you can see, I’m a little overwhelmed by it. I was enjoying my long sojourn in Pisces more than I can ever say and I lost track of how late it was. But I’ll be ready.

Saturn: I’m also moving into Aries this year, sir, and no offense to Mars when I say it, but I am NOT looking forward to the next two and a half years in that sign. Just awful.

Sun: I get that, Saturn. It may well be a challenging time for both of you.

Saturn: I’ll hunker down and manage it, sir.

Sun: I expect nothing less of you, Old Man. [to the Moon] Urnie’s also changing signs, right?

Moon: Yes, sir. I’ll have him brief when he’s back.

Sun: Very good, Luna. What’s left?

Moon: For today, the only thing left is the upcoming Venus retrograde.

Sun: Oh yes! That’s a big one. Lady Venus, are you prepared to brief us today?

Venus: Well, I...I...

Moon: [holds up hand] Sir, as I think about it, we may need a larger meeting to focus on Venus’ upcoming trip.

Mercury: I didn’t see any documentation on your upcoming retrograde on the network, Venus. There was nothing in the shared folder. Are you sure you’re prepared?

Venus: [ignores Mercury and turns toward the Sun] To answer your question, sir, I am prepared to brief today but happy to wait.

Mercury: Sir, there’s been no reporting on this at all.

Venus: [blushing a little] Maybe I could use a little more time, sir, if it’s not too much trouble. [smiling]

Sun: OK, Venus. Done and done. Lady Moon, please take this item: Once I receive Venus’ written report in the shared file, we’ll put it on the agenda. I expect to see it no later than 2/28. Is that clear?

Moon: Crystal, sir.

Venus: Yes, sir. You'll have it by then.

Sun: Duly noted. In that case, that’s all for today. Are there any alibis? [pause] Hearing none, let’s adjourn. Thanks everyone! Let’s start this new year strong and have a great 2025.

Venus: [leans over and whispers to Mercury] I did not appreciate that, Mercury.

Mercury: [aloud] At least I don’t have to impress anyone. And the way to avoid the situation is simple: Just tell the damn truth and you won’t have to worry about what you said to people. [picks up his cell phone and walks off].

Venus: [puts hands on hips, mouth open] Well I never! [storms off]

Are You There, Saturn? It's Me, John...

2025-01-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

[John picks up the phone and dials Saturn’s number. A recorded message picks up.]

Machine: Greetings. You have reached my private number. Out of respect for my time and your own, please take no more than twenty seconds to provide information on how I may contact you. [long beep]

John: Are you there, Saturn? It’s me, John. I don’t know if you’re up for talking to me but if you are, you can call me at…

[handset picks up] Saturn: Rumors of your return are swirling in the office, John. I’m surprised you reached out directly. You have been well, I trust?

John: Yes, sir. I mean…I’ve had my share of challenges over the last few years, but I’m still around, if that’s what you mean.

Saturn: [pause] Your resilience has brought you back to me, I see. That’s one of your best qualities.

John: Over the past few years, I’ve needed it, although I’d have preferred not to.

Saturn: That’s the way it always goes. You know this better than most. [pause] So you’re not here for nothing; tell me the reason for our conversation today. I suspect you are not calling me to wish me a belated Saturnalia?

John: Correct. I’m here to ask you if you’d still consent to do an interview with me. We were supposed to do it a while ago and it got lost in the…well, in the…flotsam and jetsam of my mundane life.

Saturn: Don’t minimize things. I wouldn’t call Stage 4 cancer mundane by any stretch, John. That alone would have been enough, but you’ve also had other challenges. It’s obvious my energy resonates with you heavily. As much as it pains me to say it, being too much like me is not necessarily good all the time.

John: Yes, so I've noticed.

Saturn: While I’m not known for providing what most would consider “positive reinforcement” I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished, for certain. At the same time, knowing when to “cut yourself some slack” as people say is also an important boundary to understand forming the underpinning of your future success.

John: That’s one of the more difficult lessons for me to learn. I am fairly merciless with myself when it comes to making mistakes, and I treat myself a lot more harshly than I ever would anyone else.

Saturn: [small smile] You have time now to learn this lesson, one which I suspect you have never fully grasped. And my lessons are not easy, as you know, but they are important. At your age, you also have been dealing with the closing square to your natal Saturn over this past year. Not an easy time.

John: Not by any stretch. [pause] So could I schedule some time with you in the near future for a sit-down interview?

Saturn: Certainly. I really want to make sure you understand that it will likely be the longest one you’ve done so far. There’s a lot of material to cover, and with my move into Aries this November, I’d like to get everything on the record before then. I’m sure you understand.

John: Certainly. Let me look at my calendar and see what I can come up with. I'm hoping to do it sooner rather than later. We both know this winter and spring have their astrological challenges, but despite those...

Saturn: Indeed. Very well. I'll speak to you again soon. [pause] I look forward to our future collaboration. [hangs up]

The Return of John?

2024-12-31T16:38:00.000-05:00

John: Hello, Lady Moon! It’s been a minute.

Moon: Dear John! It’s so nice to see you again…and you’re right, it has been a while, but I’m really pleased to see you!

John: [blushes] Thank you, dear lady. I’m very pleased to see you too. How have things been here?

Moon: Oh, the usual…you know! As the old song goes, “This fine old world, it keeps spinning around.” We’ve been keeping up with you as much as we can, but we’ve missed working with you. Did you stop by for a little Auld Lang Syne?

John: I can’t hide anything from you, can I?

Moon: [beams] No, sir. Nostalgia is a real thing! Let me let…himself know you’re here. He told the other planets to knock off early today but since he stuck around, so did I. Old habits and all. [presses intercom] Sol, we have an unexpected visitor.

Sun: [through the intercom] Today? Now?

Moon: Yes, on both counts. And you told everyone to go home two hours ago so it’s time to finish up. [releases intercom and turns to John] You see? Some things never change!

[The Sun’s office door opens]

Sun: OK, Luna, I’m done. [sees John] Well, well, well…what a pleasant surprise. When Luna suggested you might come for a visit I must admit I wasn’t sure she was right this time! [comes over and embraces John] It’s good to see you, old friend! I was just putting 2024 to bed, so to speak.

John: Good afternoon, sir. I’m pleased to be in your warm presence again.

Sun: Your jokes are as terrible as ever but gods I’m pleased you decided to come visit. How are things? You went through a very challenging period and then you…went all over the place? Geographically I mean!

John: Yes, sir…that’s a fairly accurate representation of my life since we last talked. A lot has changed and some days I’m not sure who I am anymore, but I’m hanging in there to figure it out.

Sun: Every human goes through periods like that, and considering Pluto is making a nearly exact square to your sun at 1 Scorpio I’m not surprised. He’s a powerful little bastard, isn’t he?

John: Yes, that’s for certain. I did a presentation on him a few months back…he’s been on my mind for a while now. Slowly but surely the transformation he promises is happening, but it has not been, shall we say, easy.

Sun: [frowns] I understand completely. What can I do to help?

John: [smiles] You’re helping just by listening, and I’m grateful to have so many amazing people in my life who do the same, because I'm still learning how to ask for help without feeling guilty about it.

Moon: That’s very true, John. [pauses] So…are you planning to come back to us?

John: I go back and forth on that, Lady Moon. I don’t want to make promises, because it’s an awfully weird time in my life, but yes, I’d like to start making my way back. I feel like I finally can do that.

Sun: Good! Well, there are no expectations here…we’d just love to hear from you again from time to time, that’s all.

John: That’s fair and I hope to be able to manage that in 2025.

Moon: John, I know how you feel about being told what to do, but can I suggest an emotional course of action?

John: Sure, Lady Moon. What is it?

Moon: If you’re feeling it, I’d suggest talking to the Old Man. I know he’d love to hear from you…

John: I considered that, but I wasn’t sure if he’d want to see me after all this time. I feel like I’ve disappointed him.

Sun: Nonsense! If there’s anybody who’s got time, John, it’s…Father Time himself. You may have to endure some criticism…I mean, he is who he is…but I’m sure he’d be happy to hear from you again.

John: I never got the chance to interview him, and it seems like a good time for that.

Sun: I don’t see him saying no to that…Lady Moon, can we set up a meeting for the first full week in January for John, Saturn, and I?

John: That’s very kind of you, sir, but I’d like to speak with him privately first, if that’s OK.

Sun: Sure, of course!

Moon: Try not to worry, John. He’ll be happy to hear from you, I’m sure of it!

John: Thank you kindly, both of you. I’m very grateful. Now I should let you go enjoy your New Year’s Eve; I need to say goodbye to 2024 and prepare for the upcoming year. I suspect it’s going to be a doozy.

Sun: Yes, the first part of the year looks fairly turbulent by all accounts, but hopefully by the time I move into Gemini, things will smooth out. But enough shop talk! Tonight, we celebrate.

Moon: Good-bye, John. Don’t be a stranger this coming year.

John: I’ll do my best, Lady Moon.

A New Venue for Metaphysical Practitioners: Spiritual Classifieds

2022-07-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

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The Astrology Chart of Vladimir Putin

2022-06-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! This article first appeared on the Soldier of Fortune Web site, but it was edited for an audience with no astrology background. I'm going to annotate it with the astrology for Vladimir Putin's chart in the notes and include the chart below as well.

Born in St. Petersburg in the opening days of the Cold War, Vladimir Putin is a man who believes he’s been through a lot in his life, a man under pressure since birth. (1) In this chart, however, lies a burning desire to publicly exercise power, both in political and military spectrums. (2)

Emotionally, Putin can distance himself from feeling much of anything. It may be very easy for him to “outthink” his emotions by choosing not to feel them, or at least believe it’s possible. Likely it’s a defense mechanism; information of all kinds makes him comfortable. From this angle, you can see he’s good at information and networking with others, making the right connections. (3)

Now I know what you’re thinking. Putin was part of his country’s intelligence services since 1975. The previous paragraph is not much of a stretch for even the most casual observer of the daily news, right? Sure. But it goes a lot further than that. There’s very little emotional sensitivity here; it’s not who he is at all, even under the surface. This is not a man easily moved to tears, either of joy or sorrow. Logic-based decision making will usually win out over feelings for him. (3)

That’s not to say that Putin lacks intuitive ability, because he doesn’t. My view is everyone is naturally intuitive, but some of us are encouraged to hone and appreciate that skill while many of us are not. Most people ignore it. As such, I’m guessing it was unlikely anyone would have supported a young Vladimir to trust it, considering the Soviet Union’s secular perspective on spiritual/metaphysical matters. Rather, when he does access it, he probably couches it as “logic” or “deduction” instead of assigning it any spiritual ability, but it’s likely he struggles often to choose between logic and intuition. (4)

He’s much savvier about the big picture than the small one. The shows of force—the parades, the holidays, the fanfare—are the easy part for him because they can be tied to culture writ large. When the losses start to mount, he isn’t concerned because he feels he has a huge supply of war resources. (5)

So where do we go from here?

Prosecuting a full-scale war will not be an easy task for him. Shorter conflicts to achieve long-desired goals are more his style. (6) Even his choice of words indicates this: The “special operation” can indicate something a lot shorter than a “war,” which can go on for years.

Despite his recent invasion of Ukraine, he’s much more comfortable responding to what his adversaries do than going on the offensive. He trusts only a select group of people to give him information, and when they told him Ukraine would be easy pickings, he chose to invade. (7) But his birth chart tells the tale of a man who might know the way to start, but not how to finish, a war. (8)

Over the course of the next year, here’s what I would generally expect from him in this campaign:

Changing goals and objectives quickly, especially between the end of June and the end of October 2022. (9)
Continued struggles to achieve military objectives and project power in Ukraine, especially through mid-January of 2023. (10)
If the war still is in progress in April-May of 2023, you’ll see more of the same, with a gradual but visible detachment between Putin and the reality of this conflict. (11)

Sun conjunct Saturn
Pluto at the Midheaven
Moon in Gemini in the 8th with ruling Mercury in the 12th
Mercury conjunct Neptune in the 12th
Jupiter in Taurus angular ruling Mars in Sagittarius in the 2nd
Mars in Sagittarius
Jupiter in Taurus in the 7th and heavy Libra, including Mercury, in the 12th
Mars in Sagittarius wants to do more but may bite off too much at once
Transiting Uranus squaring his natal North Node in late July through almost the end of October 2022
Transiting Mars retrograde beginning on October 20, 2022, through January 12, 2023, nearly opposing Putin's natal Mars
Transiting Neptune squaring Putin's natal mars both in spring, and late summer/early fall 2023.

2022: Only For Now

2021-12-31T12:43:00.000-05:00

50th Birthday in New Orleans!

One of my favorite musicals is Avenue Q. Over these past 18 months, there is one song in particular that goes through my head over and over, and it’s called “For Now.” If you’re not familiar with the show, I’ve included a link to a special version they made in 2020.

Now to be fair, we all hoped that this whole COVID thing would blow over quickly, that we’d be back to our normal lives by like July of last year. Spoiler alert if you’ve been out of the loop: That didn’t happen, not at all. In some ways, the pandemic is worse, and we do what we have to, “for now.”

With that said, hopefully 2022 will be better for all of us. And I would be remiss if I did not thank all of you for helping me stay on an even keel in the past nearly two years. I’m an incredibly blessed person and I could not have made it through without you.

I started off this past year away from home for three months for work. It was an amazing experience. I had the opportunity to meet some fantastic people, and as an outsider, they could have made the whole thing a lot more difficult. Yet they embraced me as one of their own and together we made shit happen. I missed home, but by the end, those people were home to me, and I hated leaving. I’m incredibly grateful to them for allowing a stranger to lead them and supporting my efforts the way they did.

In my metaphysical life, I have the opportunity to work one on one with a number of talented students and mentees. This year, a few of them finished their time with me and practice on their own. I’m honored to have worked with them and cherish the time we had; hopefully they won’t be strangers, because as I have learned, if you are a mentor who takes the job seriously, your former students always come back into your life. Congratulations and best wishes to you as you move forward!

My clients mean the world to me. I’m honored you trust me with your questions and concerns, and thank you sincerely for your continued trust and confidence. While I see many of you via Zoom, I’m grateful for all of the new clients I have met working at my second home, Sticks and Stones.

Speaking of Sticks and Stones, I’ll continue my beginner astrology class series in the new year on January 2 with my first of two classes on Venus. Please feel free to drop in for a class anytime…no need to wait until I start again! And who knows what other classes I might be teaching there this year? Stay tuned and find out!

Travel? Well, if you know me you have figured out I can’t stay still for long. While I don’t have anything on the books this year, you never know where I might end up. Even in these pandemic times and the weirdness that surrounded the entire experience, I still got around: Philadelphia, New Orleans, and even New York City.

And more blogs? Yes, more are planned. I’ve got a few new tarot decks here that are begging for a review: The Philly Tarot—one of the suits is “cheesesteaks”—and the Disney Villains Tarot, to name only two.

Another book? Yes, a serial killer astrology book is in the works, good people. More to come, but at the moment, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Also, I have not forgotten I owe you the continuation of the astrology interview series. As you can imagine, Saturn is particularly insistent, since he is next on my list. Over this past year or so I’m not really sure if he wants me to write to set some boundaries for me or so I can publish his interview. I’m not sure which it is, and I’m not sure it matters.

Finally, I will thank those closest to me: My wife, family and friends. It’s fair to say that I have been challenged in a much greater way than I expected, and I’m truly grateful they were there for me. There are too many of you to list individually; however, simply put, if I reached out to you and you answered, THANK YOU.

I’m a Saturn guy, and unfortunately, disappointments have a tendency to hit me hard; like many other people, there have been more than a few in my world over the past 18 months. But I’m hopeful 2022 will bring more success, joy, health, and prosperity to you and yours.

As the song says, “Everything in life is only for now.” Blessings to you and yours as you navigate the “now” and the year to come.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 8

2021-09-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

John: Thanks so much for all your time educating us, Jupiter. I know my readers appreciate it!

Jupiter: You’re welcome! I’m always prepared to hold forth on pretty much any topic.

John: I sort of figured that one, Jupiter. [consults iPad] So there are some people who consider you the “Good Time Charlie” of the astrological planets.

Jupiter: Sure, a lot of people see me that way! People look forward to seeing me. I tend to bring lots of luck and personal freedom. Every 12 years I come around and help people to expand and move forward. Those 12 years intervals tend to bring good fortune!

John: Yes, that’s absolutely true. We know that every 12 years, you return to the place in our charts where you were at our birth. We know it as a “Jupiter return”. And I have a great personal example of that.

Jupiter: Oh I love these stories! Do tell!

John: And I can speak to your blessings for certain. When I had my Jupiter return near my 24th birthday, you brought my wife to me. We were married within one month of that return in my personal chart!

Jupiter: [beams] Wow, that’s excellent! She was definitely a blessing.

John: Best thing that ever happened to me, for certain! But it doesn’t always work out that well for everyone, in spite of your influence.

Jupiter: [pause] I suspect it’s the return of Negative Ned…

John: [holds a hand up] Your influence can be positive, and it would be great if that happened all the time, but maybe we can talk about how you manifested in someone’s life and it wasn’t the way you’d hoped?

Jupiter: Well, I mean…nobody’s perfect but I’d love an example, because nothing jumps immediately to mind...

John: How about Marilyn Monroe?

Jupiter: Damn it all. You have to bring HER up? [sigh]

John: At her 3rd Jupiter return, your influence brought her a huge blessing: A starring role in a big movie. But there was something else that you didn’t intend: In addition to blessing Marilyn with this amazing opportunity, you also expanded her ego. She became a diva, and eventually, the studio fired her because she was impossible to work with.

Jupiter: [sigh] I guess you’re right. But I give it my best.

John: Clearly you did in Marilyn’s case.

Jupiter: [pause] Come on…that is beneath you, John.

John: No, it isn’t. It’s a fair and balanced assessment of your influence, Jupiter. Nothing more and nothing else. But there’s no doubt that you can have a very positive, liberating influence on us as well.

Jupiter: I’m glad for that at least. Do I have time for one last moment to provide a takeaway for the audience?

John: I don’t know that I could stop you, Jupiter, but you have my permission to proceed.

Jupiter: [gets up from his chair and bows to John] Good people, I’m a lot of fun to be around. Travel the world, learn new things, study and teach, and share your opinions widely. And remember…you only live once, so who cares about the consequences? YOLO, good people…which is a shortened form of one of my favorite sayings: You only live once! And hopefully soon you will be traveling again!

Interview with Jupiter, Part 7

2021-08-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

Jupiter: So go ahead…ask me about the other signs. Anyone who has read this series knows what will happen next!

John: Very true. So what signs cause you difficulty?

Jupiter: Capricorn is a tough one for me, I don’t mind telling you.

John: Well, why would you say that is?

Jupiter: Capricorn is ruled by Saturn and it’s tremendously limiting. As you have pointed out earlier, I don’t do well with limits. Anything dealing with the Old Man is a pain in the ass.

John: No, you’re a planet who sees every option and yet wants the freedom to take them all.

Jupiter: Just like the Old Man. Why see limits when you can see possibilities? I’ve never really understood that.

John: He’s next on my list of interview subjects, so I’ll have to ask him that. [writes note on iPad] What else makes Capricorn a challenging sign for you to inhabit?

Jupiter: Capricorn is a very strategic sign and I’m definitely more of a “you only live once so why the fuck not?” kind of planet. I know I’m going to make mistakes and they’ll get me toward my eventual destination. Saturn’s influence over a sign confers a…wariness, and as such I struggle with these two competing influences.

John: That makes sense to me. So Capricorn is your “Fall” sign, but where are you in detriment?

Jupiter: Gemini. I mean, EW. I am NOT a fan.

John: Because of Mercury’s influence, no doubt?

Jupiter: Yes, absolutely. Too many details for me. I get pulled in too many different directions when I have to pay attention to that many balls in the air. Frankly, I have no idea how that brainiac keeps all that information straight in his brain, because I sure can’t.

John: So Gemini is not a preferred sign for you.

Jupiter: Not at all! John: What would you say about Virgo? Do you struggle there, too?

Jupiter: Yes, I do, because in the ancient world I used to rule Pisces, and the opposite sign is Virgo. Basically, Mercury do two different jobs and when his influence enters the mix, my job tends to get harder.

John: I understand now, and I think my readers will have a better idea of your role in the astrological planetary system.

Jupiter: I certainly hope so! I’m a pretty important planet overall.

John: There are only ten of you, so as far as I’m concerned, you're all pretty influential.

Jupiter: I can get behind that idea.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 6

2021-08-19T08:00:00.005-04:00

John: Well, let’s move on to another topic. Could you tell me about what signs you work best in?

Jupiter: Absolutely. Sagittarius is my favorite sign of the zodiac! Send those arrows flight straight and sharp toward whatever truth I need to expose. You know it because you have it yourself. You live it!

John: Absolutely. I’m passionate about teaching, and there’s nothing that doesn’t deserve a good parody. Though I do try not to be too thoughtless…you can’t take one of those arrows back once you shoot it, right?

Jupiter: I agree, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have sent it out in the first place. I mean, if they can’t take a joke…

John: Remember how we were discussing the idea that everything is relative? Well, “joke” is one of those things. If you’re the target of one of the Sagittarius arrows, you might not find it so humorous.

Jupiter: You’re going into downer territory again, man. I don’t do it to be deliberately malicious. Who do you think I am? Mars or Pluto? And I’m not responsible for the emotions. Only the arrows. I don’t tread on Lady Moon’s territory.

John: Right, I remember. As I recall you had two signs, right?

Jupiter: Yeah. Pisces used to be mine back in the day. They gave it over to Neptune, which definitely pissed me off when it first happened, but I came to the conclusion that it’s all about how you look at things.

John: Very true. [consults iPad] So we already mentioned your ability to teach and learn, especially those areas that develop the higher mind. When you’re in Sagittarius those abilities are highlighted, but also you tend to be opinionated.

Jupiter: Fair. And other planets in Sagittarius do tend to have that “opinionation”, to quote famous astrologer Noel Tyl.

John: So your next best sign is when you’re sitting in Cancer, right?

Jupiter: Yes, that’s right. It’s more understated than when I’m in Sagittarius but I tend to bring the messages across a little more…smoothly.

John: Could you explain that for me, please?

Jupiter: Sagittarius is a sign that thrives on activity. So when I’m there I want to be talking, learning, teaching, listening and generally staying very active and engaged. By contrast, in Cancer, I can deliver messages in a more calm, understated way; there’s less running around and more background stability. Cancer also has an emotional overtone that Sagittarius lacks. No doubt, that’s the influence of Lady Moon. But make no mistake: I love the sign of Cancer, and I’m extremely comfortable and powerful there, too.

John: In short, Cancer it takes out some of the more annoying parts of your overall influence.

Jupiter: [scoffs] There you go again, Negative Ned!

John: Jupiter, this blog is my truth. And you’re the one who said everyone’s is different, right? So suck it up…please. [smiles]

Jupiter: I did tell you that I told the Sun I questioned the entire philosophy of doing these interviews, right?

John: He agreed it was a good idea but heard your dissenting opinion regardless, one of the hallmarks of a great leader. So what I feel or don’t feel about your conversation with him is irrelevant.

Jupiter: But if you think about it…

John: I did not request your opinion, Jupiter. Thank you.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 5

2021-08-12T08:00:00.003-04:00

John: [checks iPad] Would you say that spirituality and religion are foreign? Is that way you’re involved in them?

Jupiter: No…that’s a different concept entirely. I deal with abstract concepts and the “higher mind”.

John: Could you explain what you mean by that term, “higher mind”?

Jupiter: Absolutely. I’m the guy who helps you grow to understand things in life that are not particularly obvious. Let’s use an example. If I ask you what an apple is, you can put an image in your head of an apple, right?

John: [pause] Yeah, I can do that pretty simply.

Jupiter: Now, put an image in your head of truth.

John: Hmmmmmmmm. [thinks] That one is tougher.

Jupiter: Right. Here’s another question. Do you think your image of truth will be the same as other people?

John: I don’t see how it could be.

Jupiter: Right on. My job is to help you understand those more abstract concepts. Truth means something different to you than other people. And a part of what I do involves you seeking the truth—what you believe to be the truth, at any rate.

John: If you do that with truth, what do you with right and wrong?

Jupiter: You’re joking, right? [laughs] We’d be here all day with those two terms. That totally depends on who you ask.

John: So to you just about anything is relative?

Jupiter: In a manner of speaking, yes. You remember one of the most important conversations of our times? Between Luke and Obi-Wan?

John: Which one?

Jupiter: Luke accused Obi-Wan of lying to him. “You said Vader betrayed and murdered my father!” And Obi-Wan had a long statement that ended with “So what I told you is true…from a certain point of view.” Greetings. I am that certain point of view! It can come in very handy!

John: Right…we all have different perspectives. But what do you do with facts?

Jupiter: Not my department. That’s Merc again. He’s too exact for me. What’s the point anyway?

John: Precision does have its advantages.

Jupiter: Honestly, the problem these days is that everyone thinks that their point of view or opinion is a fact. And even I, the King of Personal Opinion, know they are not one and the same. There are some things that are facts, but as I said, I’m not the guy to ask about it. That would be Mercury.

John: So what is your relationship to facts, if Mercury is the one who provides the information?

Jupiter: Well, if you haven't figured that out yet, I'll state it plainly: I take them and give my interpretation.

John: Almost like someone telling you what was said in a foreign language that you don't understand?

Jupiter: Yes! Exactly like that. My interpretation of the facts can change, but the facts themselves do not!

John: So you are the guy who helps people determine the message that others were trying to convey, even it was written hundreds or thousands of years ago?

Jupiter: Whoa...that's a "gotcha" question if I ever heard it! You're not going to make me comment on any ancient texts today, right? That could get us BOTH into trouble.

John: [hands up] No way! And no one needs to hear my personal interpretation of anything like that! But it does beg the question...

Jupiter: Come on...out with it!

John: Given what you just told us, wouldn’t that make you the zodiac’s propaganda minister?

Jupiter: [hands on hips] COME THE FUCK ON! You REALLY went there?

John: Dude, I like you, but you should know by now I’m not playing.

Jupiter: Well, if you want to get technical about it, I guess I could see that. But that word makes me sound way too negative.

John: If everything is an opinion, no one knows what’s real. And in an environment like that, people can lose their way. We can create cults of personality and we can each sit in our own little bubble, right, not caring about what is real and what isn’t?

Jupiter: Dude, you're starting to scare me a little! I don’t know if you realize it, but people actually LIKE me. You’re not doing my image any favors, you know!

Interview with Jupiter, Part 4

2021-08-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

John: I’d like to dive into that a little deeper. You said that once something foreign becomes normal, you lose your influence over it.

Jupiter: Yes, absolutely.

John: Why is that?

Jupiter: I rule things that are foreign—cultures, people, customs, languages, et cetera—and once you are comfortable with them, that’s where my job stops.

John: I understand the words, but I’m not sure what that means.

Jupiter: You said earlier my job is expansion, and you’re right. People with strong Jupiter influences often are good at expansion.

John: Yes, and I need you to stop expanding my waistline. Could you do that?

Jupiter: Who doesn’t like a good meal?

John: I am NOT one of those people, sadly. I like a good meal too often.

Jupiter: Good for you! This is not a problem!

John: Until I go to the doctor’s office, right?

Jupiter: I avoid them like the plague.

John: Speaking of doctors, perhaps that's not the best expression to use right now?

Jupiter: Oh shit...I guess you guys are NOT as good at avoiding the plague as one might hope!

John: [frowns] Moving on...

Jupiter: Yes, of course...doctors! They always tell people to stop doing this, stop doing that. What’s the point? I don’t think you need that kind of negativity in your life!

John: [pause] Well, let’s agree to disagree about medical professionals, who have been working for nearly a year nonstop. But you were saying…?

Jupiter: Ah yes. I’m good at expansion. When you are learning new principles, cultures, languages and the like, you are expanding. Once you learn them, they are no longer “new and different” because you have assimilated them. So then they just become ordinary, routine things you’ve learned. That’s where Mercury takes over; it’s no longer exciting, but ordinary.

John: Would it be safe to say, then, that Mercury deals with local and repeated trips, and you deal with longer journeys away from home to new places?

Jupiter: Yes! If it’s exciting and adventurous, that’s all me. Boring? That’s someone else!

John: So if I could summarize, even if a country is not your own--a "foreign" nation--it may not be in your purview after all if you're from there or have extensive experience with its people or culture. Is that fair?

Jupiter: [nods] Indeed.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 3

2021-07-29T08:00:00.002-04:00

John: Life is a great teacher. And you are too, apparently.

Jupiter: I am. And don’t think I haven’t done my research on you, good sir.

John: I’m pretty much an open book, so what are you referring to?

Jupiter: I am seriously strong in your chart, sir. Jupiter in Sagittarius, baby! That’s one of the reasons you’re such a fantastic teacher.

John: I would agree. But this interview isn’t about me. For now, let’s focus on the idea that when it comes to both learning and teaching, you play a large role.

Jupiter: For certain! But I’m different from Mercury, who has a piece of the puzzle, if you will, in the learning and teaching realm.

John: Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me how you’re different.

Jupiter: Well, he gets caught up in the details! For him, they are the most important thing. Accuracy, figures, correctness, and facts. When you learn that the capital of Missouri is…[thinks] Shit! What is it? Do you happen to know?

John: Jefferson City, as I recall.

Jupiter: Good for you! It’s one of those cities in Missouri; there’s millions of ‘em! Anyway, the point is that I don’t care really about that sort of thing. I’m looking more for “How to people in the Midwest view life as a whole? What’s important to them? What are their values?”

John: In other words, you take more of a global life view, rather than a specific one?

Jupiter: That’s a great way of putting it. I want to know what’s behind what people believe. What principles guide them? How did they come to learn them? That sort of thing.

John: It almost sounds like you’re talking about morality.

Jupiter: That is a part of what I do for sure. And for many people, their idea of morality comes from their spiritual beliefs. My purview includes religion, spirituality, or whatever you want to call it.

John: And in a more secular situation we could call that philosophy, right?

Jupiter: Some people would for sure. So you can take the religious angle, or you can go the secular route. Different worldviews are good! That’s how we learn. Nothing wrong with agnostics or athiests!

John: Speaking of worldviews, let’s talk about foreign lands. I know when I lived in France, I had a completely different view of the world than I do here in the United States.

Jupiter: Absolutely! When you go someplace different, the culture—attitudes, ideas, values, and all that—affects you. And it’s the fact that it is not what you’re used to that makes it amazing. People grow overseas. I bet you did.

John: Oh yeah. I went over there thinking “I’m not going to change like everyone says I will.”

Jupiter: [laughter] And how did that work out for you?

John: [smile] You know how it worked out. It’s a different culture. People there live differently. I saw things that I never expected. I came back a very different person, but a better one.

Jupiter: Yes, they do have a different way of life. They value more of their family time than they do here. They’re not so work-focused. They take their vacations seriously. All those cultural points of difference…that’s all me. Until it becomes normal. How long did it take for you to get used to hearing French all around you?

John: About three days. Then I settled in so well that when I went back home, hearing English was stressful for a few hours before I re-acclimated.

Jupiter: Culture shock is a thing! So now when you go to France or deal with French-speaking people, you know what to expect?

John: Yes.

Jupiter: That’s where my influence ends. Once the shock wears off, once you know what to expect, it’s no longer “foreign” and the other planet takes over.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 2

2021-07-22T08:00:00.004-04:00

John: If we return the idea of truth for a moment, Jupiter, your reputation also precedes you.

Jupiter: I am fascinated. Do tell!

John: My understanding is that as the planet of expansion, you tend to, well, expand things…

Jupiter: You catch on quickly! I don’t see a point here yet, though…

John: If I could finish the statement, please.

Jupiter: As you said, it’s your world.

John: Consequently, there is a distinct tendency for you to expand the truth. How do you respond to that?

Jupiter: You’re saying that I exaggerate, that I somehow make things bigger than they should be, that I intentionally increase…

John: I’m going to start calling you Monsieur Roget if you’re not careful.

Jupiter: Who’s that?

John: The guy who wrote a famous thesaurus.

Jupiter: I love those! There can always be more ways of expressing the most glorious…[looks at John] You crossed your arms again. That can’t be good.

John: To borrow a phrase, ‘you catch on quickly’. [pause] Would you care to answer my question?

Jupiter: Of course!

John: “Of course”? Is that the answer to my question or a signal that you will eventually answer it?

Jupiter: You do NOT give up! But yes, I will absolutely answer it.

John: Excellent. That’s what we’re all waiting for.

Jupiter: Then you shall have it. The short answer is yes, I do have a tendency to exaggerate things.

John: Everything or just some things?

Jupiter: Everything. If you’re going to exaggerate, you gotta do it big.

John: That could almost be your motto!

Jupiter: What? “Gotta do it big!”?

John: That’s what I’m thinking.

Jupiter: Can’t deny it! Sounds good to me!

John: I realize this is kind of a leading question, but here goes: Don’t you see any potential problems with making everything bigger?

Jupiter: It’s what I do. It’s up to guys like you to figure out potential problems. But generally speaking, as I was saying earlier, people like having me around.

John: Well, I would posit that they like the IDEA of you about half as much as the actual you.

Jupiter: [mock frown] Wow, you went all Andy Rooney on me there. Kind of a downer, aren’t you? That’s why Saturn likes you so much! That old bastard brags on you all the time.

John: In Jupiter-speak, that means he made a moderately favorable statement about me at one time. Correct?

Jupiter: [hands up] You got me! [smirks] Yeah…I don’t really pay attention to amounts or numbers. I mean, it’s the overall view of life, that’s what counts.

John: Just making sure. I’d like my readers to make sure they have an accurate picture of who you are.

Jupiter: Well, I mean, to be fair, accuracy has its place, but I need to be free to take some poetic license! The idea that words mean exactly what they’re supposed to is so…Mercury’s department.

John: Of course. [writes on iPad] So let’s see. Desperate need for freedom: check. Exaggeration of the truth: Check.

Jupiter: Now wait a second! What is truth? How can you say I exaggerate if we don’t talk about what that IS?

John: As you may recall, I was attempting to get to that topic a little earlier.

Jupiter: [thinks for a moment] Ah yes! Of course you were! The truth is really about how I see the world, and that can change.

John: So what you’re saying is that your “truth” evolves, based on the overall principles and situations I find myself in at a given point in my life?

Jupiter: Will you look at that! That’s EXACTLY what I’d have said.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 1

2021-07-15T08:00:00.003-04:00

John: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to…

Jupiter: [game show announcer voice] NOW INTRODUCING THE ASTROLOGICAL PLANET THAT REQUIRES NO INTRODUCTION! THE ONE AND ONLY JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPITERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOP WHOOP!!! [pumps fist repeatedly]

John: [glowers and crosses arms] I’ll wait. [pause]

Jupiter: Oh, come on! You were going to introduce me the same way as everyone else?

John: [pause and collects himself] You start off by doing an over-the-top introduction to say you don’t need an introduction?

Jupiter: [thinks] OH YEAH! I guess I did do that!

John: You’re supposed to be the philosophical planet, right?

Jupiter: [smiles] The rumors are true!

John: Well, how about the philosophy of allowing the guy who writes the blog to introduce the guest?

Jupiter: For the record, we’re more like FAMILY! I mean…this whole guest nonsense…

John: Semantics! You’re just trying to justify overstepping your bounds, Jupiter. I’m not prepared to continue until I receive an apology.

Jupiter: [contrite] I might have gotten a teensy bit carried away?

John: Quite.

Jupiter: FINE. [pause] I am very sorry, dear sir, and declare that I will…

John: That’s more than enough, Jupiter. Thank you for that. I accept your apology. [picks up iPad] So why don’t you start by telling us about yourself?

Jupiter: Dude, are you kidding? Everybody knows Jupiter! Why should I need to? I am the most well-liked astrological planet, to be sure, and enjoy a wonderful reputation.

John: You do have a wonderful reputation for many people. But this interview is for people who might not know you very well, so I ask you kindly to indulge us.

Jupiter: It’s not hard being so popular, I’ll give you that! When you’re the greater benefic and all.

John: But let me correct your earlier statement: You are not the most-liked planet.

Jupiter: Bullshit! No one is more enjoyed than I am.

John: Honestly, I’d say Venus is. Do you want me to ask Mercury to poll a few people and provide some hard data.

Jupiter: [hesitates] Well, I don’t think that’s strictly necessary, John. We all know the truth, right?

John: It’s fascinating that you said that, Jupiter, because that’s exactly where I want to start.

Jupiter: Oooooooooooooooooooooh! Getting serious right out of the gate? Do I get Mike Wallace, Leslie Stahl, Barbara Walters, or Howard Stern?

John: Worse. You get me.

Jupiter: Your reputation as a tough interviewer precedes you, John. At least that’s what I could get out of that planetary jock strap before he left on his retrograde vacation. Mostly what he kept repeating was about how you had all his favorite wing flavors, and I was confused but decided not to pursue that line of inquiry. But other than that he said, and I quote, “That dude fucking rocked my world, man!”

Beginner Astrology Starting August 1 at Sticks & Stones

2021-07-11T14:37:00.001-04:00

‘The time has come,’ the walrus said, ‘to talk of many things: Of shoes, and ships – and sealing wax – and cabbages and kings.’ – Lewis Carroll

After long last, good people, and your many requests, Beginner Astrology is going live!

It’s been many years since I’ve offered an in-person class on astrology, much less a series. But finally, everything came together!

I’m teaching beginner astrology in person at Sticks & Stones in Fairfax, VA, on Sunday afternoons from 4:30-6:30pm. “What is Astrology, Part 1” will happen on Sunday, August 1, with other classes following approximately every two weeks. Each class is $40 and there are no pre-requisites.

I’ll list the schedule below; you’ll only see the first nine classes on the schedule at the moment, but of course, others will follow. My general plan is to offer basic classes on each planet, sign, and house eventually. As the name implies, the class is for those new to astrology, but all are welcome!

To register, please contact Sticks & Stones via phone at 703-342-2343, or email them at sticksandstonescircle@gmail.com.

I look forward to seeing many of you for what will be an excellent introduction to the study of astrology!

Sunday, August 1—What is Astrology, Part 1

Sunday, August 15—What is Astrology, Part 2

Sunday, September 19—The Astrological Sun, Part 1

Sunday, October 3—The Astrological Sun, Part 2

Sunday, October 17—The Astrological Moon, Part 1

Sunday, November 7—The Astrological Moon, Part 2

Sunday, November 21—Mercury and Retrogrades, Part 1

Sunday, December 5—Mercury and Retrogrades, Part 2

Sunday, January 2, 2021—Venus, Planet of Love and Money, Part 1

Shameless Marketing: Mercury and Jupiter Discuss Upcoming Schedule Changes

2021-02-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

Jupiter: Hello there, excellent people! As the designated shill of the astrological planetary committee, I am here to bring you up to speed on recent happenings involving our favorite blogger. And joining me in my task today is Mercury!

Mercury: Well, someone had to be here to make sure that there was actual information conveyed and not some exaggerated, overblown account of what is truly going on.

Jupiter: I resemble that remark, brainiac! We can’t all be as smart and articulate as you.

Mercury: John’s reading schedule in northern Virginia will change for the next few months. A temporary work assignment will not allow for John to read at Sticks & Stones as usual. Let me again stress the word temporary.

Jupiter: As in the "not permanent" kind of temporary!

Mercury: [looks at Jupiter] I don't know of any other definition for that word, Jupiter.

Jupiter: [sigh] FINE.

Mercury: From February 1 through early May, 2021, John will continue to do readings and charts, but via Zoom only. As soon as John’s official return date to the store is determined, we’ll inform you promptly.

Jupiter: Consider this only as a momentary disruption to his in-person services, good people!

Mercury: Please contact John directly for any reading or chart inquiries via his email, hierophant@cox.net.

Jupiter: And upon John’s triumphant return to duty at the region’s premier metaphysical mercantile, he will begin teaching a beginner astrology course of study!

Mercury: Correct. While John is designing the curriculum at present, the information we have is that it is designed for astrology beginners, and that it will be a series of courses starting with the astrological planets. We do not have an official start date, but you can generally expect them to start at some point during the summer months on Sunday afternoons at Sticks & Stones for $35 a student per class. The proposed time slot is 3:30-5:30pm, although again, that could shift.

Jupiter: Believe me when I tell you that you do not want to miss this opportunity to learn from an experienced instructor who knows how to teach adults! And who wouldn’t want to learn more about me?

Mercury: You may have concerns about attending an in-person class during the COVID pandemic. We hope that many of you will be vaccinated by the time the class series has its debut, but it’s fair to say that the threat of COVID-19 will not dissipate immediately, and no vaccination is 100% effective. While John will be teaching the class at Sticks & Stones and you may attend in person, you may also choose to take the class via Zoom.

Jupiter: You only live once, good people, and who wouldn’t want to spend a great deal of time learning a 3000-year-old discipline from a born instructor who cares about long-term student information retention? You’ll feel a lot dumber than Mars if you miss out on this opportunity, and I mean have you MET him? There are boxes of rocks smarter than he is!

Mercury: I don’t recall seeing that last remark in our prepared text, Jupiter, although I did recently go retrograde...

Jupiter: You didn’t miss it, Merc…you are just not the type to…speak off the cuff. Haven’t you ever wanted to like, you know…jazz up your language a little bit? Have some fun with it?

Mercury: As additional information becomes available, John will transmit it via appropriate channels. I believe we have conveyed the information, and it’s time to conclude. People can reach out to John directly for additional clarification if needed.

Jupiter: [frowns] You know how to ruin a guy’s day, don’t you, Mr. Information Junkie? You know what? WHATEVER. YOLO, good people!

The Great Conjunction of 2020

2020-12-19T16:31:00.000-05:00

Jupiter: Old man! Thanks for coming over! Come in!

Saturn: Certainly, Jupiter. Thanks for the invitation.

Jupiter: [closes the door] Please have a seat…I brought out that hard chair with the solid back that you like.

Saturn: My thanks. May I remove my mask?

Jupiter: Of course! Can I get you something? Perhaps some 20-year-old Scotch?

Saturn: Generally, I would say no, Jupiter, but it is rather old…just a touch of it, please.

Jupiter: [hands Saturn a double shot in a glass and brandishes his own glass] Here’s to the solstice and 2021, and of course, to our upcoming collaboration.

Saturn: Indeed. [takes a sip of the scotch] You gave me too much, as usual.

Jupiter: [smiles] Give it your best shot!

Saturn: Fair enough. [puts his glass down] For the first time in a long time, we’re coming together in an air sign.

Jupiter: Yes! I am so excited. We’ve been in earth signs for 200 years, and this Great Conjunction is in the innovative sign of Aquarius.

Saturn: [pauses] It’s not completely unknown to me; I used to rule Aquarius after all before Urnie took it over.

Jupiter: I can tell you’re not particularly excited about the change. Want to tell me why?

Saturn: I know intellectually things have to change, but I keep going back to the idea that we have been doing things for a while a certain way.

Jupiter: [laughs] I hear you, man. It’s going to challenge both of us, I expect, but I’m feeling positive about it.

Saturn: I wish I had your optimism. Structures that have lasted for a long time will have to be broken down, and that’s not always easy.

Jupiter: Oh, come on, Old Man! Most of those structures you’re talking about are completely broken, anyway. You know how Urnie is; he only breaks the things that aren’t working.

Saturn: [sigh] That’s always hard for me. I set those things in place long ago. People count on them; in some cases, they live their lives by them. What’s wrong with them that they don’t work anymore? I did the job right the first time.

Jupiter: Listen, you’re too black and white on this one, as usual. You DID do your job right the first time but let me tell you something about culture: It changes. Priorities shift and people want different things. What worked 100 years ago doesn’t typically work today. Urnie knows when things need an innovative push. That’s not your strength, and we both know it, so we leave it to him now that we’re both in Aquarius. It’s not about the establishment anymore; it’s about the collective.

Saturn: When you start changing things radically, people get nervous, Jove. And Urnie has this streak toward anarchy that makes me uncomfortable. We can’t live that way.

Jupiter: Maybe it would be better if you think of it as an improvement of your existing structures? Urnie doesn’t want to re-invent the wheel.

Saturn: But again, that implies that what I did wasn’t good enough.

Jupiter: At some point we’ll need to talk about you seeing a therapist. Old people often become depressed or have anxiety, you know…

Saturn: It’s just who I am, Jupiter!

Jupiter: Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you have to question your value or constantly tell people you’re not good enough, or just plain old “not enough”. That’s not one of your strengths, and I am well aware of the reason for it. But it does make you sort of a wet blanket.

Saturn: Delaying rewards just makes them sweeter. You are the one who wants to hand out rewards for no reason!

Jupiter: I think we’re getting off topic, Saturn. [pause] The point is that neither one of us has a choice. We’re being pushed into the New Age, ready or not.

Saturn: Hmmmmph. [pauses] I can’t deny that, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Jupiter: Hey we’ve got 200 years to run around together in air signs, so I suspect you’ll get used to it, eventually. [takes a liberal swallow from his glass] This shit is excellent, is it not?

Saturn: [takes another sip] Honestly it is lovely. [puts down his glass] The question that always goes through my mind is if I did my best; it fuels the idea that I’m never good enough.

Jupiter: I can’t think of anyone else that I would have trusted the structure building of the last 200 years to, Saturn. In earth signs, it was physical structures, economics, and lots of resource management. Now, we both will have to think differently. You know Aquarius much better than I do, but the road to the future is through progressive thinking, technology, innovation, and space travel.

Saturn: [chuckles] ‘To infinity and beyond?’

Jupiter: You knew it was bound to happen eventually. But it’s not time to be disappointment or to judge yourself too harshly.

Saturn: Humans are right about you: You’re an expansive, freedom loving bastard, but you do know a thing or two. You have my thanks.

Jupiter: [nods] We help each other out; if it wasn’t for you, I’d have no limits whatsoever.

Saturn: Yes, but don’t you hate that?

Jupiter: ABSOLUTELY. But I recognize that it is necessary. There’s a difference. I mean, how many potstickers can one really eat?

Saturn: That’s a loaded question, Jove. I hear there’s a Taurus woman who can give our esteemed blogger a run for his money on that score.

Jupiter: Yes, I’ve heard of her, too. Rumor has it she’s planning her reign as overlord of the world. She’s the one who said, “You never wake up a Taurus girl without food or sex!”

Saturn: [winces] Venusian wisdom at its finest. [raises glass] Blessed Yule, Jupiter, to you and yours.

Jupiter: [clinks glasses with Saturn] Blessed Yule, Old Man, and I welcome the arrival of the sun into Capricorn. Longer and better days lie ahead.

Planetary Meeting via Zoom: Mars Retrograde

2020-09-03T15:53:00.002-04:00

Sun: Good morning, everyone! It’s been a while so I figured we should all get together…via Zoom. A special thanks to Mercury for setting all this up so we could meet from home.

Mercury: My pleasure, sir. Saturn, can we see you please?

Saturn: [annoyed] I can see myself! Why can’t you see me?

Sun: We can see you, Saturn…but just the top of your head.

Saturn: [adjusts screen] Better?

Sun: Thanks, Saturn. [pause] Lady Moon, could you go over our agenda for us?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Today’s meeting is to talk about Mars’ upcoming retrograde, as well as Mercury’s, and the Great Conjunction in December.

Sun: Thanks, Lady Moon. Mars, are you packed?

Mars: Yeah, boss. I’m packed, generally. Not ready for this, but I’m packed. I leave next Wednesday.

Moon: I’m sorry, Mars. I know this is not the best time for you to have to go away.

Mars: Damn fucking right it isn’t. I mean, who the fuck scheduled for me to be in retrograde in Aries and during a PANDEMIC? That’s just cruel!

Venus: We understand, Mars.

Saturn: We all must do our duty, Mars. But you’ll go direct soon enough I expect. Bear it well.

Jupiter: [imitating Saturn] 'Bear it well!' Look how I inspire you!

Saturn: Your feeble attempts at wit go unappreciated, you expansive cretin!

Jupiter: Ooooooh! Cretin! Hurt me some more, you dirty old man! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT!

Sun: I will happily mute you both. [pause] Mars, where are you planning to visit this time?

Mars: Not sure yet. Someplace that actually has shit open, so that means…pretty much anywhere except the US. Maybe Europe? They’re playing sports at least.

Neptune: Who would have thought that so many people would have embraced me in the last six months? I mean…if they’re not doing creative projects, they’re drinking! I never thought I could be this happy!

Sun: Neptune makes a point. People have started new workout routines indoors, Mars, so take comfort that some people are improving themselves.

Mars: Venus is in her glory! [looks at Venus] Yeah, some people are buying Peloton bikes, but do you know how many calories people are consuming these days as they sit on their damn couches?

Venus: You’re starting to get irritable. I can tell it’s almost that time of your cycle.

Mars: Oh, very cute, Venus, very fucking cute!

Venus: Seriously, though, I can’t blame people for wanting to not do anything and be comfortable, can I?

Uranus: And most of them are at least surfing the world online! It won’t burn calories, but…think of how much the world has been brought together. It’s one giant collective!

Mars: GIANT is the word, Urnie. People won’t walk afterward…they’ll fucking waddle!

Sun: Well, I hope you can try to embrace the positive as you take a walk around, Mars. You will turn direct on November 13 and be home before you know it.

Mars: I’ll try, boss, but I’ll be dealing with lots of very out of shape, pent up, horny people who can’t fucking deal. How the fuck do you handle THAT?

Saturn: Yes, even you can’t satisfy them all sexually, although I don’t put it past you to try.

Venus: [mouth drops open] That was really mean, Old Man! Well it would have been if Mars was more perceptive.

Sun: Agreed! That’s beneath you, Saturn! Seriously, though…good listening skills would likely help you, Mars.

Mercury: His ability to be an active listener is somewhat limited, boss.

Mars: What did you say, Brainiac?

Mercury: [holds a hand up] Let me try…”Dude, sit your ass down and nod your head when people talk to you. Then look serious!”

Mars: Is THAT all it is? I can do THAT! Everyone makes it sound so hard!

Sun: [facepalm] Lady Moon, do you think we can table the other two agenda items for today? I’m suddenly feeling unwell.

Moon: Certainly, sir.

Sun: Any final remarks before we adjourn?

Jupiter: Good luck, Mars. You’ll need it.

Moon: We will keep you in our hearts, Mars.

Venus: Yes, we sure will. Hang in there and I’ll see you when you come back.

Neptune: Here’s some advice, Mars: Talk less. Smile more. Don’t let them know that you think that they’re all whores.

Pluto: Don’t die, Mars. I won’t miss you but other people might.

Sun: Let us know how you’re doing Mars. I look forward to hearing from you!

[Mars leaves the Zoom call]

Pluto: Heh. What a wimp.

Sun: You didn’t have any advice for Mars, Old Man? [pauses and looks at screen] Oh that’s right…I muted him earlier. [pauses] Shit…I should have muted myself. You can end the call now, Mercury.

Deck Review: The Golden Girls Tarot Cards--A Look into Your Future from the Lanai

2020-08-07T17:00:00.001-04:00

The television series “The Golden Girls” appeared on our television screens for the first time nearly 40 years ago and ran from 1985-1992. It’s a sitcom about four women who live together in Miami. The show was known for its four amazing characters—Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), Rose Nylund (Betty White), Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), and Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur). All are divorced or widowed and find themselves under the same roof and let me tell you from personal experience that the show is hilarious. While the comedy is great, the ladies manage to take on serious topics regularly as well.

The show also won its share of awards. In seven short seasons it garnered a whopping 58 Emmy nominations, winning 11 times, as well as 88 Golden Globe nominations and 40 awards. All of the four main characters are comedy veterans with a pretty impressive list of credentials in their own right, but their on-screen chemistry is nothing short of magical.

Needless to say, it’s become a cult classic, which I strongly suspect is the reason behind why we are seeing “The Golden Girls Tarot Cards” on our online shelves.

With the introductions out of the way for anyone born after 1985, if you love bright pink and blue you will love the coloring of these cards. The back is a simple bright blue with an unobtrusive design and palm fronds, and the cards feel nice in your hand; they’re about the same size as the RWS standard.

The Golden Girls figure prominently in this deck, which isn’t really a surprise given its name, although there are a few appropriately placed men here and there for the Emperor and in the court cards. But that’s not who we’re here to celebrate.

The RWS imagery is all over this deck, and it’s basically a clone with a Golden Girl or three on each card. For the Major Arcana, all of the Girls have equal representation. The Chariot, for example, has Blanche in command of two good-looking male dancers; she was known for being the most romantically outgoing of the four and her sexual adventures were a common theme on the show. Sophia, who incidentally is Dorothy’s mother, makes an appearance as the angel on the Lovers, blessing her daughter and Dorothy’s ex-husband, both of whom stand apart in bathrobes; they got back together at one point. Rose’s positive attitude earns her the Sun, while Dorothy portrays the Grim Reaper on Death; she regularly killed with put-downs.

The Tower shows Shady Pines, the nursing home where Sophia lived after the stroke that caused brain damage to her verbal filter. Dorothy put Sophia in the home originally, but Sophia hated it and eventually came to live with Dorothy. For her part, Dorothy occasionally will say “Shady Pines, ma!” to try to keep her mom under control, with limited success. Interesting to note that Shady Pines never actually makes an appearance on the show, but it’s a great reference for the Tower!

We have our four standard suits, but each Golden Girl gets her own. Wisecracking Sophia gets the Wands. Sensitive Rose is on the Cups. Quick-witted Dorothy’s owns the Swords, while libidinous Blanche earns the sensual Pentacles. Each Girl is on almost every one of the cards in her suit, except for the Knights and Kings; those are normally occupied by a lover or boyfriend.

The Three of Swords shows Dorothy standing out on the lanai in the rain with palm fronds in the background, wearing a shirt with three swords through a heart, similar to the standard RWS imagery. The Two of Cups has Rose toasting with wine glasses with a boyfriend and it also mirrors the RWS.

In a slight nod to the RWS imagery, the Five of Wands has all four girls decked out in their bowling uniforms, highlighting the “friendly competition” meaning that is one of the standards for the card.

In a few cases, however, it seems like the designer ran out of steam; the Ten of Pentacles just has a tree with 10 pentacles growing on it. This is Blanche’s suit, but she’s not on this card at all, and in the RWS there are no trees except way in the back. I mean…it’s a pretty tree…but it didn’t do a lot for me intuitively. Maybe I’m missing a show reference? That’s always possible.

The bottom line: If you’re a fan of the show, or you love the colors of 1980’s Miami, then this deck is for you. But this is really a niche deck and may not appeal to many younger tarot devotees.

The Golden Girls Tarot Cards: A Look into Your Future from the Lanai

Smith Street Gift

$19.95, Amazon

Deck Review: The Light-Seer's Tarot by Chris-Anne

2020-07-24T17:00:00.020-04:00

The Light-Seer’s Tarot

Chris-Anne

Hay House Publishing

$24.99

I haven’t bought too many new tarot decks recently, but in this case, these gorgeous cards just showed up on my doorstep thanks to my student Ashley. It is always an honor to receive a deck as a gift, and I’m exceptionally grateful.

The Light-Seer’s Tarot is a 78-card Rider-Waite-Smith (RWS) style deck that makes many nods to the original imagery, but does not take that duty too seriously. In other words, if you’ve worked with RWS, you’ll see many familiar things, but it’s not even close to a clone. They are about the same size as a standard RWS deck.

This deck caught my eye immediately. The presentation is fantastic; it comes in a sturdy, alluring turquoise box with a guidebook. “Little white book” is far from the case here; it’s an excellent introduction for tarot beginners. It discusses the setup of the deck and gives an entry for each card, but it also provides some basic spreads and even discusses reversals.

Entries in the book have a “light seer” and a “shadow seer” description for each card. I really like that idea; it gives the reader a place to start in either direction, positive or negative. Each card also has an affirmation, which is honestly a great way to remember the cards. For example, on the Two of Wands, the affirmation is, “The world is filled with opportunities for adventure, and I welcome them into my life with planned action.” I’m all for a positive message that helps you remember the card.

I love the design on the back of the cards; it’s simple and powerful with muted colors and doesn’t distract from the images.

The images themselves provide a lot of depth for divination. There’s no scare factor here, though; many of the RWS images can seem too severe for readers, but there are none to be found anywhere in this deck. In a nod to equality, all races and genders are liberally mixed on the cards, and to my surprise and delight, there are more females on these cards than I have seen in a long time.

The Seven of Wands, for example, shows a woman in prayer pose seated cross-legged on a mat with the seven wands pointed in her direction. Behind her is a landscape of a hill scene inside a crystal ball. Unlike the RWS, the woman isn’t holding a wand and there’s no visible conflict. Is she defiant because she chooses not to engage others and continues to pray? Certainly, that’s one of the many ideas to consider.

I also liked the thematic development here. The Swords suit, for example, has birds on almost every card, a reminder of the element of air, of course. But on almost all of the Swords pips, there are ravens. The Eight of Swords is a great example; a woman looks in the mirror and in the reflected image, she sees four ravens tying her hands and blindfolding her. It’s a fantastic reminder of the idea that how we see ourselves does help determine our reality—are we really restricted, or is it just how we’re seeing it in our mind’s eye?

The Queen of Pentacles is one of the most beautiful images in the entire deck. A woman sits comfortably on a chair in the forest, a turquoise wrap covering her head with branches sticking out the sides. To me this was a nod to the Horned God. Her eyes are closed, and the turquoise eye shadow shows she’s resting or meditating, holding a large pentacle. I love the simple elegance of the design.

On the majors, the Wheel of Fortune jumped out at me. A woman is standing on top of the wheel, which is very similar to the RWS wheel in many ways but without the Hebrew letters this time around. The woman looks elated and is in a modified tree yoga pose, arms out to welcome whatever comes next. I loved the little reminder of the “luck” idea of the card in the pair of dice attached to a string around her neck.

The only negative I could really come up with was that the cards are a little slippery. That’s purely my personal taste; I always worry about the cards slipping out of my hand!

I’d highly recommend this deck for anyone who enjoys bright, positive decks with amazing colors and some subtle RWS imagery. I’d also say this is a great first deck for children, as there is almost no nudity in it and the images are so welcoming.

To me this deck is like your favorite movie, book, or video game: The first time you experienced it was magical, but each repeat shows you something new. The small touches and nods to the RWS make the Light-Seer’s Tarot absolutely worth putting on your wish list, and I can’t wait to use it with clients!

Interview with Mars, Part 9

2020-07-06T20:00:00.001-04:00

John: Mars, I can’t thank you enough for all of your time and your exceptionally, um, candid answers.

Mars: Sure, Mr. Flavorator. Got any more wings? I should be good after that…

John: [looks under table] I’ve got one more set left, Mars. Let me see…[picks it up] Barbeque ranch, I think? [hands it over]

Mars: Dude, you picked all my favorites today! How in the fuck did you do that? [opens container and begins eating a wing]

John: I always do research on anyone I’m going to interview, Mars, and those people I asked about you were very forthcoming.

Mars: Fuck yeah, dude! Well, let’s get it on! By the time people read this thing, I’ll be in Aries kickin’ ass and takin’ names!

John: There are those who call you a “dumb jock.” What do you say?

Mars: First of all, fuck them for sayin’ it that way. Thinkin’ is not my specialty, but what I do, I do it well. You want to fight? You don’t go to Jupiter, or the Old Man, or that pipsqueak Pluto. You come to me. When you’re up against it and your life is on the line, I’m your guy. If that makes me a dumb jock, well…at that point who needs a fuckin’ committee?

John: But for many people, their lives aren’t on the line and yet you still have a powerful influence over us. What do you say to those people who would say you’re a bully?

Mars: Get to know me before you judge me! I can help you more than you know.

John: How?

Mars: You have choices every day. You work with me, you get to know me, and I can show you how to handle conflict. Yeah, not every fight is one for your life, but you’d be surprised how often I turn up in places that you thought would be more…what’s the word I want, egghead?

John: “Civilized”, maybe?

Mars: [points at John and wing sauce flings onto John’s shirt] Dude, you got it in one! [looks at John’s shirt] Shit, dude, sorry about that.

John: [picks up hand wipe and rips it open] No worries, Mars. [dabs at shirt]

Mars: Anyway, conflict isn’t always about bashin’ in someone’s face. Sometimes people want you to think they’re nice and they act mean. When they are, you have to stick up for yourself. I can help you do that without getting physical if you understand how I work. And if it does get physical, well…then I can help you end the fight quickly, so you don’t get your ass kicked too bad.

John: What about what you were saying earlier about goals?

Mars: If you want something, I’m your guy. Venus can tell you what or who you want, but she can do that from her couch without lifting a finger. I’m the one who has to go get it, and I will if you want it badly enough. And when you’re getting laid, you can thank me…I’ll even wait for the fuckin’ gratitude until after you’re done!

John: That would probably be best. [closes iPad] Thanks for your time, Mars. You can take the rest of those with you. Anything else you want to leave us with?

Mars: Get your asses of the couch, good people, and get the shit done. Talk is fuckin’ cheap! Do your gym time. I don’t give a tenth of a fuck about anyone else but you. You’ve got a personal special operations team at your disposal, so don’t make me spend my life in the fuckin’ ready room! I want to be the warrior you call on. SO GET. IT. DONE. ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT!

Interview with Mars, Part 8

2020-07-05T20:00:00.006-04:00

John: I want to make sure we hit everything, Mars, and you’ve got a big retrograde coming up soon!

Mars: Damn right I do! [pause] What’s next on the FLAVORATOR?

John: I am impressed and scared at the number of wings you have put away today, Mars. Is this some sort of record?

Mars: Dude, not even close. I once did 300 chicken nuggets!

John: At one…time?

Mars: FUCK YEAH! I was hurting the next day though!

John: [mouth drops open] No need to explain any further, Mars. I’ve seen you polish off 80 wings just today.

Mars: So, you didn’t answer my question, egghead. what’s next?

John: [checks out container] Looks like…garlic parmesan? I think? [hands over container]

Mars: Another fuckin’ classic! [rips open container] So yeah, I’ve got a retrograde coming.

John: Before we get there, we need to step back. People don’t know how fast you move through the signs.

Mars: I’m not that fast, but I make up for it in PURE STAMINA!

John: Right. [consults iPad] Mercury told me that you move through a sign in about six weeks. Does that sound right?

Mars: Yup. The Brainiac would know for sure! I can’t even keep up with him. And Lady Moon? Forget it! That bitch is faster than all of us!

John: That would mean that about every two years you return to the same place it was when a person was born.

Mars: Yup, if you count the retrograde.

John: Just one retrograde during that time?

Mars: Yeah, I don’t like to take too much time off, you know?

John: [consults iPad] Mercury said it’s 9.48% of the time.

Mars: Dude, I don’t do math. If the smooth-talking little motherfucker said that’s what it is, who am I to say it isn’t?

John: Fair point, Mars. [pause] We were saying earlier that this entire retrograde will be in Aries for you. What are you normally like during a retrograde? Does your behavior change?

Mars: [pause] Yeah, sorta. I’m just not my usual self. I feel, well, more like I think Venus feels most of the time.

John: Meaning…?

Mars: Meaning if shit doesn’t get done during my retrograde, I’m not as concerned. Less get up and go, more couch. I love to get shit done, but during the nearly three months I’m retrograde, I’m lazier. Don’t bother starting somethin’ new during that time. Not worth it!

John: Yup. She told me she feels like work is a four-letter word.

Mars: Well, the last time I checked it has four fuckin’ letters: W-O-R-K. And they all call ME the dumb jock? [snorts]

John: [shudders] But earlier you said by being in Aries so long, you’ll give people the opportunity to push forward.

Mars: Yeah, man. I move into Aries in the next few days, so folks need to fuckin’ get on it ASAP; in September I go retro and I’m there until almost Thanksgiving. Thankfully I’ll be back home for the Holiday Party!

John: So, if I can summarize…

Mars: We don’t have any workout machines here, dumbass! Get to the gym to do that shit!

John: [facepalm] What I meant to say is that people should avoid starting stuff between early September and like, mid-November?

Mars: [shrugs] Huh. I guess so. My retrograde is not a happy time, man. Being on the road for that long really takes a toll on me, and I have to do two-a-day workouts to burn off all the takeout food once I get back.