MiKael's Mania - Arabian Horses

Old Man Winter 2012 New Challenges

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 06:21:00 +0000

Old Man Winter took a big shot at us in the Pacific Northwest late last week. Places hit worst were the foothills of the Cascades as well as Thurston and Pierce counties. Our farm happens to be in both the foothills and Pierce county so we took quite a beating. We had warnings a big snow storm was on it's way but it was immediately followed by an unpredicted ice storm, (also known as a silver thaw, I'm told).

These pictures were taken after the frozen rain hit the 17 inches of snow we had last Thursday. The ice formed a crust atop the snow about 3 to 4 inches deep that seemed to hold the snow on the roofs together like one huge blanket.

You can see in the barn picture how the huge heavy mass stayed intact even as it slid down the steep grade. I couldn't believe the blanket stayed together even after it left the roof. We worried all that weight would cause damage but all our structures held up, thank God.

We lost power before the icy rain even arrived and didn't get it back until sometime early Sunday. Our cable, phone and internet didn't come back until late Sunday evening.

Without power, we also have no water since our well runs off electricity. We did have some water available in stock tanks but with this number of horses and the length of time our power was out we actually used everything that was available near the barns. We were quite relieved when the power finally came back. Taking no chances, Dave headed straight to the barn to fill water.

The horses seemed to weather the storm and the resulting outages better than the humans. When the thaw did finally come most horses didn't seem to mind the sound of the snow and ice breaking up and falling to the ground. A couple even seemed to be enthralled watching the snow as it hung there waiting to drop. You just never know what will intrigue them.

Before the ice storm arrived, a couple of the boys got out to play in the deep snow. Storm has been in the snow before and he had great fun cavorting in the white stuff. Andy has not been out in the snow and he wasn't quite sure what to think at first but it wasn't long before he was bucking and rearing and rolling, having a great time.

I wish I had pictures of their antics but at the time, I was busy getting what I could ready in the house so we could be as comfortable as possible under the conditions. Thanks to our wood stove we stayed warm and were even able to have a couple of simple, but hot, meals.

I'm really glad it's over but I'm told by my friend who works closely with the National Weather Service that this is only round one. I'm thinking it's going to be a very long winter.......

The Current State of Affairs...........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:57:00 +0000

I know they say a picture is worth a thousand words but I'm not really sure what this one has to say. From an artist's perspective it sucks and not just because the background is cluttered and the lighting is off but if you're wondering what I've been up to, it's pretty spot on.

I know it's not really the view I had in mind when I asked Dave to take a picture for me. What I was interested in were the two characters laying across my pillow protected lap while he obviously saw a much wider perspective.

I imagine you can tell from the picture I spend a lot of time on that couch. Most of the clutter has to do with those things it takes to keep me comfortable. Seems like any time I decide I'm mended enough to be off that thing I end up right back on it. Progress is slow and driving me absolutely crazy.

The phone calls, cards and emails have sure helped with my sanity as have the two friends gracing that couch with me. I'm pretty sure Sugar and Squeaker appreciate my couch bound time much more than I do. My interactions with the horses are way too brief. I am longing for springtime and good health so I can get back to doing what I do.

In the meantime I'm wearing out the couch and pretty sure by the time I get done with it it will be ready for the dump. I'm already so sick of it I don't care if I ever see it again, so that might not be a bad idea for moving on from this part of my life. Sugar and Squeaker probably won't appreciate giving it up but then in place of actually getting my lap back they just might not care either.

I get a clear look from each of them that says they don't think much of the pillow on my lap. Each has tried her own little maneuvers to rid themselves of that fluffy lump between her and me. Maybe that's why the two have resorted to laying across each other as they accommodate my request for company. Who knows but it's a close up I was really hoping to capture that just can't escape all the clutter.

A Little on Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 22:07:00 +0000

Normally, I do a post on Christmas eve, some form of variation of Twas the Night Before Christmas This year I did think about the famous poem and my usual yearly mutilations to make it fit life on our farm but to be honest, I just couldn't do it.

In former variations I tried to reflect true Christmas spirit and happenings here. I began this tradition in 2008 Twas the Night Before Christmas Each year there was some kind of change, no matter how subtle it was.
Twas the Night before Christmas 2009

Good or bad the changes were noted T'was the Night Before Christmas..........2010

Somehow the changes here this year just didn't seem to stimulate my Christmas muse. While stories untold have never been enough to stop me from dropping hints like those done in 2009, this year's journey just didn't seem to mix with my idea of Christmas spirit.

Not that I haven't seen and experienced plenty of Christmas spirit this year. It just did not lend itself to the elements the tradition of this holiday poem has been for me. The stories will be told in their own time and maybe then my Christmas muse will find itself again.

In the meantime I thought it best to reshare Molesting the Christmas Tree.......... While I really missed having a tree this year, I'm sure had we put one up, it would have fared about as well as last years. Yesterday I really did miss the tree enough to try to convince Dave and Lindsay to join me in a decorating party but Dave just didn't seem all that enthused so I let it go but I'm pretty sure he's wishing we'd not skipped on this Christmas tradition and next year it will be back alive and well, even if it does get abused by the dogs and cats.

Wishing a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

That Second Page.......

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 02:18:00 +0000

Gypcy

I cannot believe is has been Thanksgiving since I did a post. I sure thought I'd be back to regular posting long before now. Actually I was really counting on it. I had added a second page to my blog hoping to raise some money for the holidays.

Before my colonoscopy I actually got many of the pictures taken thinking I would be able to get everything up during the two weeks between that test and my surgery. Instead I ended up on my back for those two weeks trying to heal up enough so my surgery wouldn't get postponed.

I guess once my stay in the hospital dragged on, I should have realized there wasn't much chance of me actually getting anythings listed before Christmas on that second page I added to my blog. As it is, I couldn't really decide if that page was going to do the job or not but I never got much farther than thinking what my alternatives actually were.

I thought about listing some things on Craigslist. I thought about building an online store or maybe building a blog specifically to feature what I have to sell. Since some of the things I want to sell are horse items, (tack etc) I thought maybe it would be best to put that stuff here on this blog but then I really haven't had the energy to do much of anything, so nothing got done.

Last year I worked at Fred Meyer for the holiday season and that took care of the gifts for family and friends. I probably would have been a good candidate for rehire this year if I hadn't gotten sick. I was actually in the hospital this year when holiday hiring was done but I pretty much already knew there wasn't much chance I'd be up to working for the holidays that's why I had decided to do that page on my blog.

My crafts have always baled me out in the past. Heck, my crafts pretty much paid for Scandalous let alone all the school clothes, birthday and holiday presents they paid for over the years. I guess it's taken until now for my denial to be broken down enough to realize that's just not going to happen for this Christmas. I know there are a lot of people struggling just like us but I have never really experienced a Christmas quite like this one before.

Dave and Lindsay opted to not have a tree this year and that hasn't helped my holiday spirit. I just can't believe there is not a tree standing in it's usual spot near the fireplace and even more so, I can't believe it's OK with Dave and Lindsay that there isn't one. Strange............the twists and turns life can take.

Reality is sinking in. Hard for it not to with Christmas just a few days away. The hardest part about this Christmas is just not being well. The other stuff doesn't really matter but I'm having a difficult time being unable to do what I love most. I miss the time with my horses and just seeing them out in the field is not enough.

I know I must behave. I actually got a little reminder of that the other day. Don't ask me what I was doing because I don't know. What I do know is that a small section of my incision reopened. It is not infected or anything like that...........just a reminder something I did was too. It's not very deep or long and it looks like healthy enough tissue but it's presence makes it pretty darn obvious I'm not ready to be off the couch and thinking about ways to raise money are probably just going to have to wait.

I had hoped I would raise enough that I would have the funds to buy software to build myself an online store. I've been thinking about building that store ever since I closed my ebay store down but I never seemed to find the time. With Dave still out of work, getting an online store going would probably be good for him. He always did my ebay shipping for me and did a great job of it.

Since the doctor thinks it's going to be a while before I am fully recovered and my body seems to be agreeing, I figured I would probably have the time I needed to get that kind of a project done. God knows I certainly have enough inventory to do it between my crafts, all the thousands of books I have etc.

If anyone has ideas about good software programs for online stores, I'm open for suggestions. I do need something that will take credit card payments probably through paypal and it needs to be fairly simple. I still haven't figured out how to use the software the online bookseller I wanted to use works so simple is a must.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

Happy Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 03:09:00 +0000

I'm most thankful to be alive this holiday even if I'm not up to celebrating. Funny how life's bumps can change one's perspective. Now if I could just get back to eating like normal. I sure am wishing my stomach would tolerate turkey with all the trimmings. Maybe by Christmas I'll be to that point.

In the meantime, here's wishing everyone a great Thanksgiving and a wonderful holiday season to come.

Home.........at Last

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 03:24:00 +0000

I got home from the hospital a week ago, today. Unfortunately I came home without my pain under any reasonable amount of management so it's been a tough go. Mostly hurting too much to do much of anything, posting just wasn't an option for me.

Currently the pain is better but still not under control. I am also having problems because I am so thin that my nerves are pretty well shot. I have spent so much time laying or sitting that my nerves are screaming at me and I am experiencing numbness in my legs and my face. No matter what I do I can't seem to find a comfortable position or a way to relieve this. If anyone has ideas on something that might alleviate this situation, your input would be greatly appreciated.

I am also having issues with my eyes like I did after the last hospitalization. Once I get the other side of this, I will need to have my prescription redone so I can get back to working on my computer and reading blogs. I sure do miss visiting.

In the meantime I am living one day at a time and yearning for the day my life gets back to normal. I miss handling my horses more than I can say.

UpdateS

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 22:57:00 +0000

Sorry I thought Dave had post for me days ago but since that's not the case I thought I should at least give you some idea things here. My body hasn't been reponding any better to this surgery than it did tothe first one way back in June. I had a pretty severe reation to anything take by mouth and had to have a NG tube inserted to deal with the mess in my gastric tract.

Those tubes are only made in a one size fits all kind of thing meaning my litle throat did not take kindly to the invasion of that tube. I had problems with 3 very uncomforable presure point, one just inide the nostril, one at the top of my simu cavity and one at the opening betwen my mouth and nose. Swallowing was and still is difficult. talking nearly impossible and sleeping pretty much out of the question. I did push those limits but it was painful.

the tube was removed last evening and I am supposed to be on liquid today but the doc forgot to write the order. It looks like we're back on tract, at least for now. In the meatime I'm dying of boredom. At this rate I'd guess they might be done with me sometime by the end of the week.

Having issues with my eyes again and I'm not sure what to do. if anyone has thoughts on what might help might eyes cope with all this chaos, I sure would love to know. In the meantime, I'll be skipping the spel check and other option that strai y already watering eyes.

CI

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 09:02:00 +0000

Sorry my skills are shot. I posted an update on the Cancer Comes Calling blog. My energy is spent. The best I can do is a link to that blog

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:30:00 +0000

Surgery went well but there was some scarring from last surgry. I will be in hospital longer than I thought. I will keep you informed because Mikael depth perception is off. Dave

Life.........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:45:00 +0000

I have surgery tomorrow after at 3 so will be checking into the hospital at 1. I have a zillion things I wish I'd gotten done but haven't and I'll be spending the rest of my evening doing the first stage of my "prep" for surgery Just reading the directions makes me nervous. At any rate, I didn't get through a post for today so this will have to be it.

The doctor says probably 5 or 6 days in the hospital and as much as I'd hoped to have posts scheduled for that time it just didn't happen. I will try to get Dave to post an update and if my blackberry will let me online I might get in a word or too myself. Currently I'm getting emails and text messages OK but it won't let me online so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

In the meantime here's another stallion video. Watching Reflection just makes me want to ride all the more. I can't believe how long it's been since I've been on a horse.......or how much longer it's going to be.

The Journey of 2011.................... More on CCU..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 03:16:00 +0000

Part 1

About halfway through her shift things with the CCU nurse improved. Not that she got friendly or anything but she did respond sooner when I pressed that darn button and there were no more jaded statements from her.

Maybe it was the fact, I had suggested the possibility the button wasn't functioning properly that made her decide I wasn't so bad. Or maybe she just got over being in a bad mood. Whatever it was, the care was better but not good enough I didn't wish I was still back in the surgical ward.

The aide that was assigned to this shift was not particularly friendly either. She was a young woman and had some mannerisms that suggested she might be uncomfortable whenever I saw her. I wasn't sure if she was uncomfortable with me, or her job but I made a point of trying to talk with her and to learn her name.

I have always been really bad with names and with the drugs my head wasn't particularly clear so it was a pretty big chore for me to concentrate let alone try to remember the names of all the new people I met. Still I figured working on remembering names would be a good mental work out and it might show this aide I was sincere in my attempts to be friendly.

As it turned out this young woman had an unusual name that actually made it a little bit easier for me to remember. When I had asked her what her name was, she had responded that no one ever got her name right which is something I can relate to so that only pushed me to be sure I did get it correct.

By the time I got done with my stint in the CCU this young woman turned into a warm friendly face clearly glad to see me each day and I was glad to see her too. There's nothing harder than being sick and feeling alone.

This hospital's method of scheduling meant there seemed to always be new faces as my care givers. In the case of this CCU nurse that was probably a good thing. I only had her as my nurse for two nights but this particular aide was assigned to me most evenings while I was in critical care.

It was actually with the help of this aide that I found out the light connected to the call button was indeed not always turning on. She showed me there was a corresponding light in my room that I could check to know for sure if anyone would know that I needed something. If the light didn't go on when I pressed the call button, the light in the hall wasn't on either so I just kept pressing that button until the light in my room turned on.

Armed with that information, I didn't do nearly as much waiting as I had. During the day I didn't need that call button nearly as much as it did at night though. My little episode with the pulmonary embolism not only changed my patient status but it meant I needed several different kinds of doctors monitoring me.

The day light hours brought a steady stream of those doctors by my room, each checking up on his or her particular specialty. I had gone from just being under the care of a surgeon, or his representatives, to under seven different specialties.

I never was able to keep track of all of them, let alone the changes in doctors that represented each but I can tell you I met the department head of each and everyone of them the day of the PE and from that point forward, not only did I see the department heads but a representative each and every day I was in the critical care unit.There was no way I went without getting what I needed during those times of the day.

To be continued.............

I'm still struggling since the colonoscopy but I have to say watching this video sure brought some relief to a boring miserable day. Scarlet is such a beautiful moving horse, it did my heart good just to be reminded of that although I must admit I had forgotten she had fallen on that day. Even the fall was "easy" looking and she ended up unhurt and pretty nearly unphased.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011....................CCU..........First Impressions......

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:33:00 +0000

Part 1

When they came to transport me to the critical care unit it was sometime mid afternoon. Dave left when they arrived saying he knew his way around the hospital so well at this point, he'd have no problem locating me when he came back with Lindsay later that evening.

As much as I knew his logic made sense, I really didn't want to go to the CCU by myself. I was not looking forward to having more strangers taking care of me. If I had to be moved at all, I wanted to go back to the oncology unit where my riding buddy was.

I suspect my trepidation was more about my fear than concern about how those in the CCU might care for me but after being there just a short time, that began to change. I had been meet in my "new" room by my attending nurse as I first arrived and I only saw her once more before the shift change.

She was only there briefly and she brought with her gifts. My friend Wendy, and her sister, Candy, had come to visit while I'd been sleeping. Instead of disturbing me they'd left their packages at the nurse's station. Someone had brought them down and left them on the other side of the curtain in my room.

The gifts couldn't have arrived at a better time. I was feeling pretty lonely. At least if I couldn't see my friends, I had evidence that they'd been there. There was a cute, stuffed, white, fluffy dog in a flowered green and white dress and a little stuffed horse along with a tiny book of encouraging affirmations.

I must admit at that particular point in time, I was pretty darn happy to see a horse even if it was the stuffed variety. Small enough to live on the adjustable tray/table at my bed, that horse stayed in my sight most of the rest of my hospital visit.

I'll be the first one to admit I was probably heavily medicated at this point. My conception of time may be skewed but whatever it was, it had been that way in the surgery ward when my pulmonary embolism had happened and I hadn't felt neglected there.

Now, as I lay shivering in the CCU waiting for someone to respond to my call button, I was really beginning to get scared. My head was flooded with thoughts of what could happen to me if no one was paying attention. It was a very scary time.

The shift change came and went before I ever did see a nurse again. Then when I did she was closed off and defensive. I tried talking to the woman but she kept arguing with me telling me about my "condition." Many things she said were not my perception of what was happening to me so I tried to tell her my viewpoint, just like I had done with my surgeon and the nurses of the other unit.

Instead of being interested in what I had to say this nurse said, "You always have to be right, don't you?" The tone in her voice was as jaded as the question. I tried explaining to her that it was my understanding my perception was wanted by those on staff and I was only trying to do my part in keeping them informed of how things were going with me.

I explained the doctor had spent a goodly amount of time trying to learn what I had experienced. She did seem to accept this explanation but next time I rang for her, I laid there for a goodly amount of time before I tried pushing that button again.

I finally ended up calling Dave at home telling him I couldn't get a nurse. I told him I didn't know if the call light was not working or what was going on but I needed pain medication because by this time I had broken through that pain barrier and was pretty darn miserable.

I don't know who Dave called but I did get the nurse in my room. This time she complained to me, "What IS your problem? I can see you from the window and you're moving around just fine." Her implication seemed to be I was alive so why was I complaining.

To be continued..............

It's been kind of a lousy day here. Not being able to go to the barn is getting really old so I went looking for a video to cheer me up. Even though I'm not feeling great, watching Dancer does bring a smile to my face.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... the Diagnosis..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 02:10:00 +0000

Part 1

I know just enough about medicine to be dangerous. As I followed the actions of the doctors and nurses working on me, my mind was racing with the possibilities. It didn't take me long to figure out what was happening to me but then I had the answers to all those questions the doctor was still asking me.

I knew what this was.................I had thrown a clot.............and as they worked on me, I wondered if it was going to travel to my brain. Not that it wasn't bad enough the thing was in my lungs but for some reason, I had an even bigger fear of my brain being involved. I was very terrified of that possibility, even if it was a product of my limited medical knowledge.

I don't know how long it took for them to get me stabilized but I did manage to get the doctor's questions answered before that happened and at some point I did get moved from the chair into the bed. I could tell the doctor was confused by some of my answers. I suspect the most confusing part was my belief "it" had begun as I was walking down the hall away from them when I hadn't begun gasping for breath until my body landed in the chair. Where it began from what he saw, I never did remember to ask.

With all those odd little pieces as parts of the puzzle, I was sent off for a CT scan as soon as it was safe to do so. I remember thinking as I was being pulled inside that tube, this was the third time in one week that I'd had this test done. That thought alone was enough to scare me even more.

Even though it was my third CT scan, I was sick enough I didn't notice there were different aspects to what they did this time around. I do remember being more uncomfortable during this test than I had been before. I suspect that was because of different positions they'd had me assume to get all the views they wanted of my insides but then I am assuming that CT scan was the only test I was sent away from my room to have.

Looking back at all the little bits and pieces I have of that morning and early afternoon, it's entirely possible I had an MRI as well. I do remember talk of an MRI but have no memory of actually having one on that day.

It wasn't until they began talking about the two blood clots found in my lower left leg that I realized I'd missed a lot of what was going on. They were only guessing that maybe at one point those two blood clots had been one but there was no question that my left leg was the source of the pulmonary embolism that had flattened me.

With the confirmation of the diagnosis testing provided, the doctor firmed up the orders to keep me alive. He was going over those orders with the nurses in the room when Dave arrived.

I clearly remember the look on his face as Dave entered the room. A combination of panic and deep concern, I have rarely seen, was deeply embedded across his face but the instant he caught of glimpse of me sitting upright and looking at him, it all dissolved. I imagine he didn't know what to think when he'd gotten that phone call but clearly he was relieved when he saw me.

Dave arrived just in time to hear my treatment plan and the order to send me to the critical care unit. I was to be transferred there just as soon as there was a bed available.

I'd been through that "waiting for a bed thing" more than once on this journey. To be perfectly honest, I was hoping a bed would not become available in the CCU. I felt safe with these people who I knew had just saved my life. I had seen the intensity and commitment in their faces as they worked and I had formed a deep trust. I was perfectly happy right where I was.

It was explained to me that I could be watched more closely going to the CCU. The patient/nurse ration there was 2/1 where it was more like 4/1 where I currently was. The numbers made sense to me but still didn't change my feelings, I really didn't want to be moved again.

Dave decided he would stay with me until I was moved to the CCU. That left us with some time to talk about the phone call he'd received and how he'd reacted to it.

The nurse who called had only told him there was an "incident" at the hospital and it might be good for him to be there. While he knew that couldn't be good, he had not allowed himself to think of what it might mean. Then when he'd seen me sitting upright and talking he figured it was all good.

The way he talked reminded me of the way he had been when Lindsay was in the ICU at Children's Hospital in Seattle immediately following her surgery. Anyone who asked about her condition, Dave told them she was fine. Lindsay couldn't walk or talk or even control the movements of her eyes but she was fine.That has always confused me.

Now as I lay there clinging to life, in Dave's mind, I was fine too. Considering how I felt I wasn't really sure how I should take his observation so we talked about this perception of his. According to Dave Lindsay was fine because she wasn't dead and the same applied to me. To Dave's way of thinking dead means it's over. As long as we were alive, there was something to work with and it would work out in the end so it was fine.

I must admit it might be simplistic but it works for him and that's really what matters. I was glad he was there with me and not pinging off the walls so if seeing the situation as "fine" is what it took to get that kind of support, I'll take "fine" any day.

To be continued....................

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The Journey of 2011.................... the Puzzle..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:45:00 +0000

Part 1

I did not hear the call of a code......... but there must have been one. Almost instantaneously they descended upon me, doctors, nurses, technicians of one sort or another. As I looked up from the chair at the conglomerate of people hovering over me, I could see the concern on their faces.

Aware of the severity of the situation I tried to catch every word and to track every procedure. I wanted to know exactly what was happening to me and everyone around me was way too busy to be explaining. If I wanted to know now, I was going to have to figure this one out for myself.

I heard my surgeon's voice calling out orders in rapid succession as the others around me jumped into action. Words and phrases I was familiar with hung in the air........"type and cross type"........."IV push" ....."heparin".........and others soaked into my brain as I struggled to understand........and to breathe.

As the scene unfolded it reminded me of one of those hospital dramas like Grey's Anatomy or ER, only I was the patient and all those professionals were working on me. Electrodes were pasted onto my body and wires attached while others applied the blood pressure cuff and that clippy thing on the end of one of the fingers of my left hand.

Each twisted tube or tangled wire brought tight lines and tense expressions to the faces of those working on me. Every thing spoke intensity but I stayed present and tried to work with them even though my eyes wanted to close and my body quit.

I heard the beeping of my vital signs as the machines came to life and saw the coming and goings of staff as each raced doing his/her part to keep me alive. There was no question about that but I had lots of questions about why......

Once the initial orders had been given the surgeon began asking me questions of his own. "What happened? was the first, so simple, yet so important. As I struggled to answer him, others followed. Each question a piece to the puzzle he was trying to understand, so he could fix this problem, yet I was having trouble getting the answers out.

My chest felt like some giant octopus had me snarled in its tentacles squeezing the life right out of me. I used all of my strength trying to force my lungs to open up and let the air in. I remember thinking about childbirth and breathing exercises, concentrating on my chest, counting slowly and deliberately in my head, watching it gradually rise as I willed myself to breathe.

A nasal cannula found its way to my nostrils and someone told me to breathe through my nose as the tubing was fitted over my ears and the oxygen turned on. I swear I had a person on each arm drawing blood at the same time and somehow that made sense to me.

One of the nurses asked if I wanted Dave to be called and I nodded my reply........ more with my eyes than with my head. Looking into her eyes, I knew she understood. I think there was someone pushing rhythmically on my chest as I wondered if they would even reach Dave. At this time of the morning he must be out in the barn feeding or cleaning stalls. I wished he was beside me at that very moment but worried how he would take this call. My poor family had been through enough, they didn't need this too.

To be continued.......................

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... the Walk..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 01:46:00 +0000

Part 1

The following morning I felt pretty good considering all that trouble with the epidural. The sun was shining brightly for a change, my pain was actually being managed and I was feeling pretty hopeful. I could see the possibilities. I'd get out of the hospital in a few days. The weather would turn around for summer and I could get back to life with my horses.

I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there.That meant I needed to be eating real food and getting myself up and walking around. The food issue wasn't going all that well but getting some exercise surely would help. I was definitely motivated and even looking forward to getting on my feet and out into the hallway.

Of course, I knew I wasn't ready to be walking by myself so after the morning shift change I made sure the nurse's aide assigned to me for that shift knew I was ready to get walking. She was probably about 5 feet tall and some petite size that I wouldn't have fit into even when I was born. I remember looking at her and thinking I better not get into trouble because there was no way she was going to catch me. If I fell on her, I'd probably squash her flat as a pancake.

At this point in my hospital stay I still had a catheter in place and there was the IV pole that connected to my epidural. Just getting the logistics figured out for those two things so that I could walk had tired me out the first time. Now, I was feeling pretty perky and thinking I could handle things. I even helped the nurse get "things" together so we could get moving.

I was frustrated I couldn't bend enough to put my slippers on but the aide took care of that. She also found me some kind of robe to cover my back side. It was about as chic as the hospital gown but at least it covered me. That guaranteed I wouldn't be doing any fanny flashing so I was good to go. I had absolutely no hesitation. I was looking forward to getting out of that room and showing everyone I was on the mend.

Walking at this point was really more like shuffling my feet. I doubt any part of my foot really left the floor. Each foot just slide forward maybe the length of the other for each "step" but it was forward motion and all they really expected of me. I remember thinking I was more like that old woman I am always referring to myself as instead of the energetic, take on the world, type A I normally am.

On my right side the nurse's aide assisted me, holding onto my arm. On the left I had the pole with the IV and my catheter bag. I don't think I pushed that pole as much as I leaned on it but it was a controlled movement so I felt secure.

As we made our way out the door, the aide asked which direction I wanted to take. This time I told her I felt secure enough to head down the long hall instead of the short walk I had previously taken. Despite the fact my feet were shuffling along instead of moving normally, I felt like I had a pretty good handle on things.

Right at the doorway was my doctor, not the original surgeon, but his replacement from his practice. I had met this man the previous day and found him to be very kind and caring as well as a bit of a comedian.
Now, he was watching my progress and remarking to the nurse beside him about how well I was doing. In fact he actually said I was moving more like someone in her thirties than the sixty-four year old woman I am and that comment was followed by an approving chuckle.

Considering I felt like I was moving more like a ninety year old, that comment stuck in my head. I was pleased to hear the shuffling pace was something normal. Knowing that helped me feel even more secure as I turned the corner and headed down the hall. I remember thinking at the rate I was moving this walk could take forever but I was going to keep going as long as I felt I could handle it.

We made it just past the nurse's station, which was not far, when I began to feel my energy draining. I told the woman beside I didn't know if I could continue. She calmly told me to take it slowly as I turned around and headed back to my room.

I didn't even make it completely through the turn when I realized that something was seriously wrong. I wasn't loosing my strength at a rate that made any sense. It felt more like the life was being sucked right out of me than just getting tired.

Again, I told the aide I didn't know if I could make it and, again, she told me to take it slow. I knew I wouldn't get there if I continued on at this pace so I forced myself to step it up as much as I could.

My feet were still sliding across the floor but at twice the rate they had been moving before. I could definitely tell I had accelerated but I was afraid it wasn't enough. Something inside me told me I had to make it to my room and I was determined to get there no matter what.

I pushed for all I was worth heading toward my room. My eyes were turned towards my feet willing them to move faster, measuring each step as one more foot closer to safety. Each shift of weight from foot to foot felt like I was defying the laws of gravity but I wouldn't let myself stop. To me, my life depended on getting back to my room and I pushed forward with nothing but sheer will power.

My surgeon and the nurse were still standing in the doorway to my room. I don't know if they realized something was wrong with me or not . My eyes locked tight on my feet , willing them to get me to what I perceived as safety. I did, however, "feel" like they were somewhere right behind me as I moved across the room.

I remember glancing at my bed and seeing it pulled apart waiting for clean sheets with the used bedding still piled high on top. So instead of heading straight for the bed, I made a bee line to the oversized recliner on the other side. I had started off from that chair and it was still pretty much in the same position I'd left it. The back was pushed downwards to about the midpoint and there was nothing in between me and it but lots and lots of floor.

The closer I got to the recliner, the harder it became to take each step but I wouldn't let myself stop. I had no idea what was happening to my body but I was determined to make it work. I focused on that chair like it was a drowning victim needing my help and I ignored every other signal my body sent to me. What mattered was getting myself to that chair and into it.

As I got close to the chair I turned myself around and stepped backwards with the same dogged determination that had gotten me there. The aide tried to help me sit but feeling the chair on my heels and not having the strength to actually sit down properly I let myself collapse onto it.The second my body hit the chair I began gasping for air and all hell broke lose.

To be continued.............

The Puzzle.......

This video is Hope. She is a full sister to Faith and out of the midget mare, Lilly.

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Details

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 01:24:00 +0000

I'm sure it must be hard to make sense of what's happening to me without knowing the details of this last week. Before I get back to the story of my protracted illness, I thought it would be best to bring you up to date on these current events.

Tuesday morning I had a colonoscopy as part of my treatment plan leading up to another surgery. During the exam a polyp was found, removed and sent off to a lab to determine its nature.

The surgeon expected the biopsy would reveal the tissue was benign but the type of tissue that is considered to be pre cancerous. Everything else in the exam went as expected and I was sent home with instructions to take things easy for the day.

The last three weeks I have been spending more and more time in the barn as my strength has begun to return but I didn't feel all that great after the colonoscopy. I spent most of the first day dozing on the couch.

The next day I resumed the duties I have been doing in the barn, measuring and soaking beet pulp, some turn outs and filling some water buckets. After that I usually rest while the beet pulp soaks, then I feed it and that's pretty much it for me so that's what I did both Wednesday and Thursday.

I was pretty tired after I was done but that's been the way I feel most days so that didn't surprise me but I had gotten to the point after resting for a while where I no longer felt totally wiped out. I would recover some for the evening but after the colonoscopy that just wasn't the case.

By Thursday after I had finished my barn chores I was feeling pretty beaten down. I remarked to a couple of friends that I felt like I'd been set back at least a week if not more since I'd had the colonscopy.

There was nothing on the instructions from the hospital about tiredness . The other symptoms mentioned to watch for I was not experiencing until Thursday evening. I went to the bathroom after getting off the phone with a friend and that's when I discovered I was bleeding.

I found blood on the top edge of my underpants. When I looked closer I found blood leaking from the underside of the ostomy bag. Then when I checked its contents, at least a cup of blood flooded out into the toilet.

Some of that blood was dark but some was bright red so I knew I was actively bleeding. Because I am on blood thinners there was no question about going straight to the emergency room so that's where Dave and I headed.

Thursday night at the ER was a zoo. There were over twenty people ahead of me and even with triage I ended up waiting over two hours before we saw a doctor. They did draw blood during triage and I believe my results were probably checked as soon as they came in and that's what determined it was safe for me to wait that long.

Once I saw the doctor, they tested my blood pressure in different positions. It was the worst when I was standing and the best when I was laying down. They also monitored my vital signs for a couple of hours to be sure nothing was changing.

While I was there, my surgeon just happened to be at the hospital for an emergency. He saw my name in the computer and came down to the ER to see what was going on. The ER doc had planned on calling a GI doc to consult but once my surgeon came there was no need of that. My surgeon checked over all the test results, ordered a test for the levels on my blood thinners and then they sent me home.

The determination was my body was coping with the bleeding adequately that it was safe for me to be home. My instructions were to lay low until after the bleeding stopped and call the surgeon in the morning for an appointment. I was to return to the hospital if I felt light headed, dizzy or passed out. The other thing to watch was the unusual bruising. Any of those things and I was to return right away to the ER.

On Friday, Dave and I forgot about calling the surgeon for an appointment. We didn't get home from the ER until around 3 am. I had to have my blood thinner shot at 8 so set my alarm to "eat something" at 7;30. I drank a bottle of juice and fell back asleep until Dave woke me at 8.

Normally I lay in bed for a while because I have a reaction to that darn shot. It's painful and it makes me awful but I don't fall back to sleep. On Friday I think I was back to sleep before Dave left the room and I slept until 10:30.

Then I only got up because I was hungry. Dave and Lindsay were out doing barn work so I just waited for someone to come in to fix me my nutrition drink. I wasn't moving around anymore than I had to and within a few minutes Dave came in checking on me just as I knew he would.

The first twenty four hours after leaving the ER I continued bleeding. The more I moved around, the more active the bleeding was. As long as I laid pretty still, it was much lighter. I pretty much slept most of the day.

I have not had any of the other symptoms and currently the bleeding appears to have stopped. I am going to continue to lay low for a few days except for doctor appointments. I have three of those this week. I do have a pre surgery appointment at the hospital tomorrow and must have blood work done on Wednesday.

Tomorrow Dave will call the surgeon's office to check in since we forget to do so on Friday. My understanding is because of my trip to the ER there is the possibility the date of my surgery could be re-evaluated. For now it is set for the 25th of this month. Hopefully that will not change.

The scheduled surgery is for the reattachment of my colon and I really can't wait for that to be done even if it does mean I'm going to be laid up again.

This video is Scandalous Dare. I must admit being stuck in the house again is getting depressing pretty quickly.

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 04:16:00 +0000

I thought I was going to get some details on last night's trip tp the ER posted but that will have to wait until I am up and around again. For now, ti am home but the bleeding has not stopped. It does slow up when i'm laying down so i'm sticking to that position for now. Will post details when I feel comfortable enough to be at my computer. Posting from this phone sucks.

Thank you all for the prayers. This whole thing is pretty scary and there's comfort in your well wishes.

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 05:00:00 +0000

Sorry, no post tonight. Instead I am sitting in the ER waiting room hoping to see a doctor soon. I'll post details when I have them but for now bleeding on blood thinners. Not good!

The Journey of 2011.................... Ending a Difficult Day.........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 01:51:00 +0000

Part 1

Once the new epidural was in place, a nurse was needed to turn on the pump that administered the drugs. I remembering thinking how cumbersome protocol has become when a doctor can't flip a switch like that.

Even though I understand the reasons for such methods like making sure everything is done, no one gets sued, and union issues over job responsibilities aren't messed with, etc. but it just seems sad to me that things can get so bogged down that it actually can make things more difficult instead of being efficient. I don't get how that helps anyone. I was really grateful the nurse was close by so I didn't have to wait long before the pump was up and running. It had been a long painful day and I was really in need of the relief.

By the time Dave and Lindsay arrived, I was once again reasonably comfortable but I was totally exhausted from the day's experience. I guess I have really never thought about how exhausting pain can be but I certainly had a clear example of it now. Dave was relieved that I was no longer hurting but I think Lindsay was scared by how tired I was.

The drugs were now kicked in at full strength and I found myself fighting the urge to check out. I think everything about me, but my brain, wanted to sleep. That part of me just couldn't let go of feeling I would scare poor Lindsay half to death so I hung in there asking her about her day.

I worked at getting Lindsay to open up and talk to me which only further convinced me she was scared. I just kept right on asking her questions about the horses until I finally jogged some kind of memory for her. Once she began on her story, the lines in her face left and her eyes softened. By the time they left, Lindsay looked much more relaxed and she'd shared at least a half dozen stories of the horses' antics for the day. Good medicine for both of us, I think.

I doubt if Dave and Lindsay were even out the door before I fell asleep but that sleep didn't last long. My oldest son and his wife arrived to visit and I found myself once again trying to stay awake. I get to visit with my son so rarely that I really wanted to take advantage of his time there.
Both he and his wife looked worried and soon I found out why. I was not the only parent in the hospital, my DIL's father was also fighting for his life at the time. It's no wonder, between his heart issues and my cancer, that these kids were looking so worn.

As much as I was glad to see them, I was really glad they hadn't arrived earlier in the day when my pain management was all screwed up. That could only have added to their worry. I wished there was something I could have done to take that burden for them.

Mostly I tried to look as "well" as I could under the circumstances which, thinking back, must have looked pretty darn lame. I know I was checking in and out just like I had with Dave and Lindsay. Both my son and DIL acted like they didn't notice my lapses but I could tell from their faces they left more worried than when they'd arrived.

Once again I'm sure I was asleep before my guests even exited the room. I did, however, manage to get a warm hug from each before they left. Maybe that influenced the drugged dreams of volleyball that regaled me for the first hours after they were gone.

I remember an aid coming in later in the evening and asking me if I was ready to get up and walk. I shook my head in the negative because I was shaky just trying to sit upright while my visitors had been there. I promised I would make up for my missed walk when the morrow came. Little did I know that Mother Nature had different plans for me.

To be continued...................

The Walk.......

Scandalous Tag is the horse in this video. He's one of Heiress' babies and is a pretty talented boy.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... the Fix..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 02:29:00 +0000

Part 1

No one had an explanation for why the IV pain medications were not working for me. The doctor decided maybe it would be better to keep administering them by way of the epidural so the anesthesiologist was called to see if he could figure out why I had begun having problems with that when I'd started off so "comfortably."

Of course the anesthesiologist I saw in mid afternoon was not the one I'd seen in the early morning. This one decided the position of the needle needed to be adjusted and everything should be fine. He wiggled the needle around a little bit and the IV into my spine was turned back on.

A few minutes for me and I was already feeling some relief. It looked like all was well. The anesthesiologist was gone and I hoped things had settled down but the next thing I knew I was beginning to feel moisture on my back side. That was pretty much what had started this whole thing in the first place so the anesthesiologist was called again.

It took a couple more hours for the anesthesiologist to return. Now with me sitting in a wet bed and moisture puddled up around the needle, it was pretty obvious for him to see there was something definitely wrong with this particular epidural. There was no way to fix it. The only way for me to get meds by this means was by re-administering the epidural.

Redoing an epidural like this is not something that is usually done. It can be a risky procedure and it can have some serious side effects. The decision to do it was only made because they couldn't figure out any another way to keep me comfortable. Since pain interferes with healing and can even cause some damage of its own, it had become imperative for them to find a way to get my pain levels managed again. If that meant redoing the epidural, so be it.

Looking back at this situation, I probably should have been scared out of my head. I have had serious side effects from an epidural for childbirth. I'd even balked at the use of it for this surgery until I'd heard my other options. Redoing "should" have pushed plenty of buttons for me but I was so beat up from the pain of the day, I no longer cared. All I wanted was some continuous relief no matter what it took.

Redoing the epidural sounded simple enough but, just like everything else in this journey, finding the right location turned out to be something of a challenge. The poor anesthesiologist "poked" me a number of times, wiggling the needle around looking for a "way in" to no avail.

Each time the man applied any kind of pressure to that needle he apologized profusely for causing me pain. He tried and tried at each new site to get that needle to go in between the vertebrae but the darn thing just refused to slide into place.

Strangely enough, these pokes that didn't work were not all that painful considering what the rest of my day had been like. Even though sitting on the bed curled over in the "proper" position was painful and the faulty IV hadn't been delivering the proper dosage of drugs, I was feeling enough relief to be able to tolerate whatever it was going to take to make it REALLY stop hurting.

It was the final poke where the needle managed to find its way between my vertebrae that was unbearable. Up until that time I had not muttered a single sound due to pain but this time was different. I couldn't help it. Despite the fact I didn't want to add any stress to this already stressed out doctor, I could not restrain the sound that emerged.

As much as it hurt, I was also relieved. I knew when I felt the fire that this time would be the one that worked. It still took the doc a few adjustments here and there for that needle to find home and those were nearly as painful as that first poke but what mattered was this time the needle actually did end up resting where it should.

The anesthesiologist quickly finished up securing the needle in place once it had found its proper home. With that accomplished he came around the bed to face me when he really could have just walked out the door and disappeared. I vividly recall the expression on the man's face and his body language as he stood in front of me. Everything about him showed how upset he was. Pain was written all across his face, and most profoundly in his eyes, as he once again apologized profusely for causing me pain and taking so long.

No amount of reassurance from me, eased the conscience of this doctor. Even though I know it's not possible this procedure could hurt him as much as it hurt me, emotionally he had paid quite a price for something that probably had more to do with me, and my body's reaction to a painful day, than him. I felt for him and I really appreciated his caring. It is something I believe I will always remember. He was clearly so real and genuine.

To be continued.........................

Ending a Difficult Day.......

This video is one of Legs' daughter, Scandalous Faith. Dave looked at this three times before he realized which Legs daughter she was. His first two guesses were Hope, then Rose.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... Coming Full Circle..........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:58:00 +0000

Part 1

Despite the wild rides from the drugs and the discomfort that was still there even with them, I remember waking up that next morning feeling better than I had felt in a long, long time. As that thought occurred to me, I knew how ridiculous it sounded having just had a very serious surgery. The pain and discomfort from the surgery, however, were mild compared to the way I had felt those last days before I'd allowed myself to be taken to the hospital but that wasn't the only change in how I felt.
For the first time in so long I couldn't even remember I had energy to face the day. It wasn't much and it sure didn't last long but it was there, none the less. For years and years I have forced myself through each day making myself do the things I love because I love them, not because I felt like doing them.

To be honest, I hadn't really felt like doing anything for years. I was exhausted before the day even began. I'd been told it was the change of life and to be expected so many times I believed it. I figured the only way I was going to get what I wanted out of this life was to push through the heaviness in my body so that's what I did.

Now, laying here in this hospital bed I realized it was the cancer causing such drain. It sucked up every ounce of energy I had and used it for it's own resources. I may not have known I was sick but I had been........and for a very long time.

Not long after this discovery, the surgeon arrived. I told him my strange discovery as he nodded his head in a knowing kind of way. Then he told me he probably wouldn't see me again at the hospital. He was going to be out of town for a while and I'd be home before he returned.
In the meantime one of his colleagues would be taking care of me and I could trust I was in good hands. He had already spoken to the other doctor and advised him he was to take things slow and cautiously with me or else. There was a twinkle in his eye that went along with that statement that somehow reassured me I needn't worry about this change in my care.

After the doctor left one of the aids came in asking if I was ready to go for a walk and the idea actually sounded really good to me. Once on my feet though, I was surprised at how shakey I was but I figured I could manage a short walk down the hall. I remember the aid asking me if I wanted to turn left down the hallway outside the door to my room. Just looking at the length of that hall exhausted me. Instead we took the shorter route, just past the nurse's station and back to my room. I promised the aid I would try another walk later but later never came.......at least on that day.

By mid morning I was beginning to have more pain than what should be the "normal discomfort" after surgery. Getting through those questions describing my pain was beginning to get to me. I guess my lack of patience at the questions should have been enough for me to know that my pain threshold had been broken but it wasn't. I was sure it wasn't really as bad as I thought and discounted my experience.

Somehow the nurses still managed to realize that something was wrong. Checking things over, someone discovered that my epidural was leaking fluid. While they would have preferred I maintain that method of delivery for the pain killing medication for at least another day, it was obvious the epidural was not working. The procedure to redo it was too risky so the decision was made to change me over to an IV pain killer.

That decision sounded simple enough but it was far from that. For whatever reason, I could not get comfortable on the IV pain medication. I was given one of those buttons to push when I hurt but I was getting no relief. As the day went on, I only got more and more uncomfortable.

Dave stopped in while he was out running errands to find me writhing in pain. The doctor had been called to see what would happen next and Dave went home more worried than he'd been when he came in. In twenty-four hours of time, I had come full circle and now I was right back where I started. Things were not looking good.

To be continued...................

The Fix.....

I've spent the day trying to put some information together on my horses which included viewing some of my videos on YouTube. Legs was such a smuck in this I thought I'd share it with you.

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... Alone Time............

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Part 1

It was in between those visits, whether they were actually family or friends to see me or interruptions by staff, that life was a bit on the weird side. The power of the drugs given to me for pain drew me into a world very frightening and chaotic for me.

I am not a person who takes drugs of any kind if I can avoid it. I do not like that feeling of being out of control even just a little bit. I think life is difficult enough without being any less than alert to deal with its challenges. Being doped up for one of life's roller coaster rides was something I fought.

When left to my own devices, the drugs won out and I found myself unable to think clearly. My mind darted from one concern to the next before I was able to come to any conclusions that might have lessened my stress. I worried about the horses and my family continually. A variety of scenarios flitted through my head as I tried to balance this current blip in life's radar with my life at home and my horses.

There were so many possibilities and so many questions, I didn't know which way to turn and the drugs made it all the more heightened and dramatic. Ever since Dave's unemployment ran out last spring, I have struggled with what to do about the horses. I didn't want to dismantle my dream if it was unnecessary but I didn't want to wait until it was too late either. I wanted to do right by the horses, my family and my dream, if I could.

Lindsay and Dave have invested a lot in this dream of mine. We had hoped with a number something like 80% of all registered Arabian horses are over the age of twenty that we would be able to hold out until the market snapped back. With those kinds of numbers, it has to at some point and when it does, experts predict only the very wealthy will be able to own an Arabian horse.

We had hoped we would be able to be there to see that day. That way we should be able to build up a fund that would take care of Lindsay when we are gone. That has pretty much always been the plan and that is why I have hung onto my mares.

When Dave lost his job, it definitely rocked our thinking but we figured we had it covered. The unemployment ran out and we shifted again. Now as I lay in a hospital bed strung out on drugs all of those decisions bombarded me, mixed in with fears of the future. I tried to make sense of it all when sense was the last thing I had.

Over and over I went through each horse in my herd. I thought about what they meant to me, Lindsay or Dave and what they meant to the long term goals of my dream. I tried to prioritize them so I could make some kind of decisions. Instead clouds swallowed me up and then a wind blew me off into oblivion with them.

I desperately needed to gain some kind of control over the situation, to have answers to questions still unasked. Each time reality let me down and halucinations hauled me away to places that only frightened me more.

I was grateful for the interruptions caused by nurses, doctors and aids monitoring me. It seemed those were the only times I was lucid and while lucid meant I had my questions to deal with, the alternative was powerful enough it made me feel maybe I wasn't going to survive this ordeal.

I remembered back to those days when I had peritinitis. I had hallucinations like these then. I know how sick I was at that time. Everyone thought I was dead, it was just a matter of when.

Then I was just an eighteen year old abuse survivor. I really had nothing to hang onto. Somewhere buried in my subconscious was the dream of an Arabian horse but I didn't even know it was there it was buried so deeply. Now I feared as a sixty-four year old woman losing grip on that dream maybe I wouldn't be so lucky as I had been the first time.

I longed for a horse to bury my face in its mane and shed the tears that would not come. When such thoughts crossed my mind, I was greeted with warm knickers from a beautiful bay mare with three white stockings and large star. Next to her stood the snow white vision only recently lost tossing her head and throwing her mane and forelock every which way.

As much as my heart leapt for joy at the vision of the two beautiful mares who have long since stolen my heart, my mind jerked me to reality. The mares were so real, I could feel their warmth. Their knickers beckoned me but something told me to go there would be the end. Was I ready for that?

That question shocked me to reality but not for long. I couldn't help but start thinking about my horses at home and my family if something should happen to me. Yet, here I was in the hospital with something very real and vey frightening happening to me. I was drawn back into the cycle of thinking that only drugs can fuel. There were no solutions for me, the drugs made sure of that.

To be continued...................

Coming Full Circle.......

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The Journey of 2011.................... Visitors.

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 02:34:00 +0000

Part 1

While I was spending my afternoon first in surgery and then recovery, Dave had spent it as home with Lindsay doing chores and calling my other kids letting them know what was happening to me.Originally he had planned to come back in time for my operation but the surgeon had talked him out of it when he had called Dave to tell him what they found when I was scoped.

When Dave asked the doctor about what time he should be there for the surgery, the doc gave him the following reasons why it might be better for him to stay home until later in the day.

The surgeon expected my operation to be at least two hours and he figured I'd probably be another two even three in recovery. Mostly likely, the man said, I wouldn't be awake enough to know anyone was even there until sometime after five. There was really nothing Dave could do for me until that time. The doc promised Dave I was in good hands.

Now, as my doctor suggested things might be much less stressful for both, Dave and Lindsay, if they stayed at home where they had something to do instead of sitting in a waiting room at the hospital with nothing but cell phone games and their imaginations to pass the time.

Dave thought about it and decided the doctor was probably right. If he went to the hospital he'd not only be stressing about me but he'd be stressing about the horses too and all the work at home to be done. Talking it over with Lindsay, they decided spending the afternoon getting all the chores done would be better so they could be at the hospital by the time I woke up and not have to worry about what faced them when they went home.

I think it was somewhere between 5 and 6 when Dave and Lindsay arrived in my room. I was awake enough to realize they were there but carrying on a conversation was another thing.

Of course, Dave had all kinds of questions. He wanted to know everything that had happened that afternoon especially anything that might have been said by my surgeon. All I could remember where those things I've posted here. Poor Dave had all kinds of questions I hadn't thought to ask. Heck, even if I had asked them, I probably wouldn't have remembered the answers.

Even though I was in a fog I was worried about both Dave and Lindsay. I could see the concern on their faces so I kept trying to find some way to fix it. Making jokes about my designer gown and my hospital hair, which is way worse than hat hair ever could be, I spent my lucid moments trying to keep them entertained or talking about the horses.I tried to avoid letting them know how I really felt and I'm pretty sure they were doing the same thing. Talking about the animals seemed to be the best for all of us.

I knew I was checking in and out and I was really worried that might cause them concern. I guess I should have known that Dave would understand but I wasn't so sure about Lindsay so I kept picking up the conversation wherever I could remember it had left off. For all I know we were circling around the same subject the entire time they were there.

To be continued............................

Alone Time..........

Visit Blog Village and vote daily for this blog Here They are now measuring the rankings by the number of votes out, so if you find my blog on the site, please click that link too to improve my rankings. TY

The Journey of 2011.................... a Foggy Afternoon........

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 02:51:00 +0000

Part 1

I don't remember much after I was taken for "preparation" for my surgery. The room they brought me into was a bright, large, spacious feeling place with cubicles formed by the yellow cotton curtains typical for hospital rooms around here.

As we came in, I didn't see any counters or shelves or people for that matter. The place was so quiet it almost felt empty to me but the "driver" of my gurney knew exactly where we were going. He drove me down an uncharacteristically wide ailseway and turned at "curtain corner" right into a cubicle like space with someone dressed in scrubs waiting for me.

This woman went over those same questions I'd been asked at each new location that morning. I was equipped with leg warmers and two layers of warmed blankets and my glasses were taken from me before she added something to my IV that made me sleep.

The "real" anesthetic was administered in the form of an epidural since that was also to be the vehicle for pain medications once the surgery was done. I don't know if the procedure for that epidural was done in that room or the actual operating room. I was out for the count which is probably a good thing. I remember getting an epidural when I had my second child and it was a miserable process.

Later, when I awoke, the first thing I remember was some person asking me if I was in pain. It was not a familiar face or voice. There were none of those annoying questions about describing my pain or rating it on a scale of one to ten. Just a nod of my head answered by a promise of relief. Then, I'm pretty sure I was back to sleep.

The next thing I remember was the surgeon talking to me. He told me he was able to remove all of my tumor and with it he had taken some additional bowel. He also told me he'd taken tissue samples from a large number of lymph nodes.

From the prospective of the cancer, the surgeon was pretty sure he'd gotten it all but the condition of my bowel had been another matter. The bloating and distention caused by the blockage had taken it's toll so I had turned out not to be a good candidate for an immediate resection instead an ostomy was done.

As foggy as I was, I clearly remember my surgeon telling me not to worry, this was not going to be permanent. He said, "Don't let anyone tell you this cannot fixed. It can........ I've done it many, many times."

I imagine this meeting with my doctor happened in recovery but, to be honest, I haven't a clue. I don't really recall being in an actual place for recovery. There is no memory of a room, people around me, nothing of that phase except that one question from the nurse and this conversation with the doctor.

The first real awareness of my surrounding was being in an elevator and someone asking which floor. Whoever was pushing my gurney responded but I don't remember the actual elevator ride or leaving it.
The next memory I have is going through a doorway into a bright, large room that looked nothing like the room I'd had on the oncology ward. It wasn't until a nurse came in and began bustling around me, getting me settled in that it dawned on me this was my "real room" and I probably wasn't going to have my horse show friend as a nurse.

Even from that point forward, while I was aware of my surroundings, I spent more time out of it, than in. The only part of my afternoon I have any clear memory are those words of the surgeon. That memory is as vivid as the rest is blurred. Still, thinking back, I really had no reaction to what he said.

I don't know that it was just drugs that distanced me from the meaning of those words. Maybe it was I had no frame of reference about how my life had just changed and that protected me some. Whatever it was the surgeon's words didn't seem to belong to me. It would take a while for it to sink in.

To be continued.....................

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A LIttle Delay

noreply@blogger.com (Rising Rainbow) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 02:48:00 +0000

Sorry for the break in the story. Dave has hurt his back and is unable to do much in the barn so I've been trying to do what I can to help Lindsay take care of the horses. I won't say I'm good for all that much but I do get some of it done. By the time I get back to the house, I am way too tired to post.

Hopefully Dave's back issues will resolve quickly and I won't be pushing the envelope quite as hard as I've been doing. It's good to be doing more each day but not so good to be doing too much. I'm pretty sure keeping up at the pace of this last couple of days is more than the doctor ordered. I'll pick the story back up as soon as I can.