Mi Thoughts

New Day

2011-05-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Truth is...I'm fat! (push button for dramatic effect)

I took a picture of myself a few weeks ago:

I didn't like what I saw. Who would? I need to make a change. I did. Nutrisystem. Nutrisystem is for the lazy. In fact, Nutrisystem is an anagram for Emir Tuns Sty, which translated from Latin means "You need us tubby." That's actually a lie, Nutrisystem isn't an anagram. It's a box of food. Every 4 weeks they send you pre packaged meals. You eat them, in addition to fruits and vegetables, and you lose weight. That's the idea. I'm on week three. It's going well.

At the beginning, however, it wasn't good. It was a hungry hell. I went from consuming roughly 4600 calories a day to nibbling a bare 1500. My body was not happy. It was the Apocalypse. Where once there were plenty of sugar, fat, and salt, there was now fruits, vegetables, and fiber water. I went to bed early to escape the hunger and temptation to eat.

And, I'm doing this all for Jay Sean:

Let me explain....

TO BE CONTINUED!

Define the Term

2011-04-05T17:07:00.001-07:00

I was greeted with the opportunity to improve my "higher math" on my Xbox 360 a few days ago. I realized, however, they seem to think "higher math" means "addition."

I guess this is one way to make your users seem super smart.

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Annual Sit to Feed the Hungry

2010-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

What are you doing Thanksgiving morning? Enjoying your warm bed? Well, change of plans! Join Mi Thoughts and MAYHEM improv and participate in Sit to Feed the Hungry. Sit to Feed is a fundraiser coinciding with Run to Feed the Hungry. It's an alternative for all those who want to raise money for the Sacramento food Bank, but don't want to run. A 10K in the chilly morning? No thanks. Find out more about this great event at their website:

If you're interested in joining us, bring a check made out to Sacramento Food Bank. They're also offering nifty shirts. Class up that wardrobe with a $10 cotton tee. You'll look spiff in your charitable purchase.

Page 38

2010-06-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

Kittens make wonderful bookmarks.

Priorities

2009-12-15T20:00:00.001-08:00

As I wander around Sephora, I want to lean over to some women and whisper in their ear, "don't start here, with makeup. Start with the treadmill."

I Survived Sexual Allusions

2009-12-07T12:47:00.001-08:00

This is the sticker Blood Source handed me after donating a pint of B± (it's one of those.)

"I survived the finger stick," sounds a tad filthy. I shan't be wearing it. But, maybe I'll stick it to somebodies pants.

The More You Know... The Less Ashamed You'll Be

2009-12-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever waved over a waitress and asked, "aren't raisins supposed to be black?" Have you ever looked into the face of a stupified waitress?" Did you know there's such a thing as Golden Raisins?

God, I'm ignorant.

Carpe Dieme

2009-12-05T16:08:00.001-08:00

Hello darling! How I've missed you these past 11 months. I don't like you "light," but it'll do....for now.

I'll Stick With Soda

2009-12-05T00:38:00.001-08:00

Have you ever tried a oyster shooter? It's like swallowing the sun encased in evil.

At The Mall

2009-12-05T00:36:00.001-08:00

I'm glad I lost my wallet. I don't have to worry about having it stolen.

Tick Tick Tick....Boom

2009-12-05T00:34:00.001-08:00

You know those chili peppers in chinese dishes? The atomic ones that ruin your night if ingested? They duel with your digestive track and your digestive track always ends up crippled.

Why do the makers of chinese food add the peppers? No one eats them! The vile little bastards bury themselves into your meals too, turning your delicious platter a war zone. The peppers are the IED's of the food world. I hate them. You hate them. Everyone hates them. Why torture us Chinese?

Thar She Sits

2009-12-05T00:27:00.001-08:00

Oh Winter! A chill in the air, scattered leaves, and an abandoned wheelchair. An abandoned wheelchair?

Strange. A wheelchair. Just sitting on the sidewalk. No one around. Who leaves a wheelchair? People are pretty dependent on wheelchairs. It's not just something you choose to leave behind. It's a mystery.

Up to Snuff

2009-12-03T21:22:00.001-08:00

When I, eventually, own a club I won't have a dress code. I'll have a face code, and a picture of an attractive woman with a sign that reads, "you must be this attractive to get in."

Well, When You Say It Like That!

2009-12-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

I spent a few minutes drawing up reasons buying a modded XBox 360 make sense. I was trying to convince some skeptical family members it's a good idea. Here's what my notes look like.

I think I proved my case! My points are clear and concise and in green ink. It may look like gibberish, but it's all valid gibberish.

Before The Bodies Cold

2009-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

This show should be called The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty should be called The Scraps: Turning Our Brothers Death Into Profit Anyway We Can: We're Shameless: The ABC's of Making Money, As Easy As One Two Three.

It's a long title, but a more accurate one.

He Doth Protest to Much

2009-12-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

This looks like a penis, right? I'm not alone on this, right? It's right there! It's not like I think about penis an unhealthy amount. I just can't help noticing a phallic cul-de-sac. I was Yelping an address, saw this dead end road and thought, "Oh my! Cock!" Well, it was more like "oh my! Cock." I didn't think "cock" with an exclamation point. I not excitable when it comes to penis. Why would I be excitable? Do I seem excitable? Penis is followed by a period, not an exclamation point.

By the by....cul-de-sac sounds pretty filthy.

Retch

2009-12-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I found pizza in my parent's refrigerator. Lots of pizza! A plethora o' pie! The free mother load! I had four pieces and went about my day.

Yesterday, my mom mentions, "I better throw out that pizza. It's been in there for 3 weeks." As I'm dry heaving she proceeds to find mold on one of the pieces.

Eck! I'm currently digesting fungus.

Lopez Tonight

2009-12-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

I've only seen one episodes of Lopez Tonight, and I found it hilarious. Lopez wasn't hilarious, but an older audience member was. Jay Sean and Birdman performed on Lopez Tonight, to an interesting audience. Watch the video, and check out the bald guy near the front of the stage.

What the hell is he doing there? I'm guessing his daughter dragged him into the taping. Was he a fan? Couldn't be. I can't envision this guy listening to Birdman on his way to the office. If you didn't see the elderly gent, here are some pics:

When Mystical Powers Are Misused

2009-12-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

Have you seen this Wal Mart commercial?

If I were that solider, the first thing I'd do when I got home was punch my kid in the face. The kid wished for snow? Dad's dodging bullets and IEDs and you wish for snow? Christ kid, if you have that sort of mystical wish power, wish your dad home, and out of harms way. Stupid offspring.

Corporate Erotica

2009-12-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

I found this image as a header for a corporate website. One of these employees is not like the other. Which one is different? Do you know? Yep. you're right. It's the lecherous guy eye raping web surfers. I feel violated.

Under It All

2009-12-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

I had to drive to Rite Aid this evening for some meds. Under the pharmacy counter Rite Aid was peddling candy. Shady move Rite Aid! You and I both know the depressed medication buying folks are susceptible to the chocolate quick fix. That's why you packed a counter with chocolaty delights. You're preying on the weak. The chemically unbalanced. You bastards! Taking advantage of those who need a quick upper, a quick rush, a quick emotional high! Shameful!

Like selling bottles of Yaeger under AA pamphlets.

Curb Appeal

2009-12-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

Panera Bread! I love your food, but I've never seen such terrible plate presentation in my life. The menu had more color. Menus shouldn't be more appealing then the product.

Getting Some

2009-12-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

I recently purchased a new X Box 360. As you can see, it sits next to my old 360. My best friend Elliot (Oh My God, C'mon) recently commented, "if you want to ever get laid you better hide one of those systems." Touche sir. Women don't see two video game console and think, "sexy! This guy is going somewhere!"

Video Games Make Me Look Tough

2009-12-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

Do you know what I love about the new game Assassins Creed 2? It makes me feel like a bad ass in my white hoodie.

TSO

2009-12-01T16:01:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend the Tran Siberian Orchestra tour stopped into Sacramento. I had never seen the show, and was quiet a spectacle. It was like watching an 80's hair band that found Christ.