Michael Worth

Attitude is everything

2009-07-20T19:01:16-07:00

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!' He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!' 'You can't be a positive person...

And that's when the fight started....

2009-07-02T13:47:39-07:00

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.... I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"...

WHY MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

2009-06-27T12:09:25-07:00

10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD. 8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES. 7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP. 6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO....

Mourning the Loss of Common Sense

2009-06-04T14:44:12-07:00

Today we mourn the passing of my beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies...

My New Diet, Explained

2009-05-14T14:56:27-07:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So...

Patriotic Retirement Plan

2009-05-05T13:42:37-07:00

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -Unemployment fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered-Auto Industry fixed. 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -Housing Crisis fixed. It can't get any easier...

The Aisle Seat

2009-04-14T11:25:00-07:00

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's...

The Patriot Microchip

2009-03-18T12:15:30-07:00

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to god. It comes in various sizes: The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. Please enjoy the security we provide for you. Best regards,...

LOSER: Hollywood Motors

2009-03-05T13:20:13-07:00

I work for a Motor Escort Company where we ride both new and used Police Motorcycles (Motors) to do our job. So we're pretty much always on the lookout for used police motors that might be suitable for our needs. This is the story of one such police motor, and the dealer that is trying to sell it. A friend of mine, and soon to be co-worker, is currently looking for a retired police motor in eager anticipation of becoming a Motor Escort Officer. Like me, he prefers BMW's for this job. And he hasn't stopped drooling over my 2009...

No Sex Since 1955

2009-03-03T11:41:52-07:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,...

Catching Wild Pigs

2009-03-02T11:08:09-07:00

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government. In the midst of his story he looked at the...

Communications

2009-02-26T11:32:16-07:00

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier...

Motorcycle Safety

2009-02-19T16:33:14-07:00

@famoustwits recently tweeted this question: "17 year old want, can afford and is legally entitled to get a motorbike. WTF do I do to stop this madness?" And I thought that was a great subject for a blog post. So here's my answer: As parents we have a limited amount of time to influence our kids. And if you stop the motorcycle purchase now, he'll just buy it later when you have no control over the situation. So the best bet, in my opinion, is to embrace the motorcycle and impose some restrictions to make it as safe as possible...

"Sheeple"

2009-02-18T23:17:01-07:00

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:...

Idaho Slander

2009-01-06T10:43:16-07:00

I recently was sent this vicious lie and slander on the good people of Idaho. Winter Statistic: 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM IDAHO AND SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS'. This is obviously an unprovoked attack on the character and judgment of my dear friends and fellow residents of the Great State of Idaho. No one from Idaho would ever let go of their beer, especially when they needed it the most. Please report all incidents in the comments below....