Download “Heaven” as a pdf.

Death is inevitable, but the death of a child is acutely numbing. The following are helpful reminders as you walk with someone through this kind of overwhelming hurt and loss.

1. Make your concern and love felt by your presence. After the death of a friend or family member, the tendency is to shut down and look inward. The bereaved want to be alone. Uncontrolled emotion is sometimes embarrassing, especially for men who feel that crying is not masculine. Questions bombard the mind, making conversation difficult. However, the bereaved need to have people around them, and they need to talk–even if the thoughts don’t make sense. Be sensitive to the “right” times to be with them and to let them be alone.
2. Use the child’s name in conversation. Even though the child has died, memories are real and alive in the parents’ hearts. Sharing your memories of the child can be comforting. Thus you confirm the reality of the child’s life and importance.
3. The nursery or bedroom, toys, and clothing are painful reminders of the loss of the child. It is best for the parents to put these away in their own time when they are ready to confront the loss, thus helping put closure to their experience. Help to do this may be offered, but also understanding if the parents feel this is something they need to do on their own. Some parents are unable to put things away; they leave a room as it was when the child was alive–probably out of fear of forgetting the loved one. By acknowledging that the child was real and not being afraid to talk about him or her, you reassure the parents that forgetting is impossible. Memories are healthy and should be encouraged. Putting away material reminders of the child is a positive step in grieving and starting to move forward.
4. Let your own emotions show when ministering to parents who have lost a child. Crying shows your empathy and reassures the parents it is all right to cry. Emotion reinforces the fact that the child was important to you too.
5. Avoid trivializing the death (for example, saying things like, “God needed another little flower in heaven.”) The parents need help in reaching into their store of deepest heartfelt faith for answers and comfort in the following days. The support of Scripture is paramount.
6. The grieving process comes in waves–some big, some small. Like the tides, they come at different times. At first the waves are close together, but in time they get farther and farther apart. When tears come months and years after the child’s death, be compassionate – let them cry and let them talk. Be a good listener. Tears are a healthy response to a devastating experience. This is not something that people just “get over”. God knows the duration of the grieving process and the impact on their lives.
7. Be aware of other siblings, for they also feel the loss of their brother or sister. Young children need outlets for the emotions they feel but are unable to display. Teenagers (especially boys) may have great difficulty walking through the grieving process. Support them – be available to love and listen (but don’t pressure).

Download “Caring for Bereaved Parents” as a pdf.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Hope is one of the most powerful sustaining forces of life. You can take a person’s freedom and lock them up, you can take away their health and their finances, but if their hope remains they will be able to endure it. When hope crumbles, however, people crumble.

Many people are losing hope today in the world. They look at conditions in society; they look at global upheaval and despair. They look at their personal circumstances – and all they see is hopelessness. Questions seem to go unanswered and needs go unmet while the physical and emotional turmoil relentlessly continue. This may be your life today. And maybe somewhere along the way you have lost hope. Someone has said, “We need more than highs, we need hope” – and that is exactly right. If we go after highs (the quick and temporary fixes) we end up with disappointment because we always need a bigger high (and another “bandaid”) next time. But if hope is sustaining us, we can endure.

What is Hope?

We often use the word in a very weak kind of way. We say things like, “I hope the weather will be fine for my outing” or “I hope I get that promotion”, or “I hope you’ll be feeling better soon” – but this is merely wishful thinking. The hope that is revealed in the Bible is much stronger than that. In the Old Testament there are lots of Hebrew words for hope, but there are two main ones that keep recurring. The first one means “expectation and longing for” and the second means “trust, waiting for, and patience”. In the New Testament there is one main Greek word for hope and it means “excited, pleasurable anticipation”. Biblical hope is a confident and patient expectation of that which is good. The definition brings both confidence and patience together. If you are confident, then you will endure until you receive the thing you are hoping for. The hope expressed in the Bible is not based upon some personal fantasy or desire – rather, the hope that is from the Spirit of God is based on the revelation of God’s promises to his people. And God invites us to hear what He has promised!

Hope has to do with the future, but it fills us with confidence in the present and inspires a patient endurance as we wait for what has been promised. This is what the apostle Paul was speaking of in Romans 8:23-25 – “And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as His children, including the new bodies He has promised us. Now that we are saved, we eagerly look forward to this freedom. For if you already have something, you don’t need to hope for it, but if we look forward to something we don’t have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Hope understands the difficulties of this world that produce groaning, but it focuses its attention on the Lord and His faithful work.

You may already be familiar with the story of Job in the Bible. He may very well be the “poster child” for all things that pertain to the sufferings and losses of life. He certainly had his struggles as he sought to believe and trust God. What he says in chapter 14 is fascinating: “If a tree is cut down, there is hope that it will sprout again and grow new branches. Though its roots have grown old in the earth and its stump decays, at the scent of water it may bud and sprout again like a new seedling” (verses 7-9).

Some of you this very moment may feel like a cut-down tree. It’s all over. All the plans and dreams of a lifetime have fallen like a huge tree made ready for the mill. And now you feel like a lifeless stump, left with nothing. Do you hear what Job is affirming? Even in the midst of his sufferings, God gave him precious insight to see that there is still room for hope. So take hope, friend – who knows what kind of “new life” the Lord will cause to sprout out of your stump. Open your heart to the work of the Holy Spirit who wishes to show you Jesus – and let Him show you how hope can be recovered and renewed.

Asaph (one of the human writers of the Psalms) struggled with connecting the dots and putting things together. The overall theme of his struggle in Psalm 73 may not be yours – but my guess is that many of the details would fit. Among other things, he wrestled with the unsettling appearances of why other’s lives seemed less hurtful and hard than his. And he confesses that this internal upheaval had almost caused his foot to slip (v.2). But along the way, Asaph’s thought processes are changed – and he tells us what made the difference. “Then I came into the sanctuary of God” (v.17). He had to be connected again to a firm spiritual foundation – and he knew where to find it.

We can learn from this. Renewing hope is found in establishing (or re-establishing) the right connections. May I offer a few suggestions as to what “coming into the sanctuary” would look like?

• Connect with the living God (through the Lord Jesus Christ). If you have never placed your trust in Jesus, you will find information on our website on how you can begin a new relationship with God, even today. If you are a believer, but your relationship with God has been strained or remote – remember that He has not moved and He loves you. With open arms He invites you back (Luke 15:11-24).

• Connect with the Bible. The Lord has already shared with us His mind and heart. It is found in the finished revelation of the Bible. He uses this powerful instrument to reach into our own minds and hearts. It is in the Bible where we find a renewed sense of spiritual equilibrium. In the back of a Michael’s Ministry “Here’s Hope” Bible you can find a number of helps that can get you started.

• Connect with a local church. This is a very important component as well. We need to be in the fellowship of believers who will love and embrace us – especially when we are going through difficulties. Find a church that teaches the Bible for what it says, and then seeks to apply it to daily living. If you need assistance, we would love to help.

I’d like to close this with a simple story that I hope will communicate an important truth.

A man approached a little league baseball game one afternoon. He asked a boy in the dugout what the score was and the boy responded, “18 to nothing–we’re behind.” “Wow,” said the spectator, “I’ll bet you’re pretty discouraged right now.” “Why should I be discouraged?” replied the little boy. “We haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!”

** No matter how desperate our circumstances and discouraged we are in our hearts – maybe we would do well to assume that the situation hasn’t changed because God “just hasn’t gotten up to bat yet!”

“For since the world began, no ear has heard, and no eye has seen a God like You, who works for those who wait for Him.” (Isaiah 64:4)

1. It was helpful to remember that there are those who care and want to help. We sometimes felt alone as we lived in two worlds- the world of the healthy and the world of the sick. We found it helpful to remind ourselves that others did care and wanted to help; they just did not know specifically what our family needed. So, we made a list of our family’s needs, and when friends and family would call offering help, we could give them suggestions from that list and then they would know specifically how to care for our family. If someone wanted to help he or she could start out by asking one question: “What would I need if I were in that situation”. The answer can begin the process of helping.
2. It was helpful to remember that your thought processes are not always clear when you are under stress. We realized that after hearing the medical diagnosis of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, our minds did not function as clearly as they had before. After hearing the word “cancer” we did not hear any more of the conversation. Stress, lack of sleep and lack of eating all affected us. There were times when days would run together after we spent weeks in a hospital setting. We found it helpful, to be mindful of this when making decisions.
3. It was helpful to remember to use a tape recorder to help with the thought processes. Not only did it help in remembering what was said, when our minds were under a great deal of stress, but it also was used in the review process so that we could formulate questions regarding what was said and what was meant. A tape recorder is sometimes available in the playroom of each hospital unit.
4. It was helpful to remember to choose a spokesperson to speak for the family. Our primary attention needed to be focused on our family and on our child, so assigning one person to speak for our family and its needs was so very helpful. This person could update others, coordinate meals, and help to organize child care. Also, in regards to time, updating others became a difficult thing to do because we wanted to call back many people, but there never seemed to be enough time to do so. Since we could not make calls during the day we decided to leave a weekly message on our answering machine, updating all who called. This way anyone wanting to know specifics and how they could pray for our family could by calling and listening to the message. We also left the name and phone number of the spokesperson for our family’s needs for anyone calling wanting to know how they could help. Not repeating your circumstance in front of your loved one and freeing up your time to be there for your family were so valuable. Also, some Children hospitals have a web-site where you can update others on your child’s progress. We just asked our social worker if the hospital had a web site for this resource.
5. It was helpful to remember that we could never promise anything to our child that we could not deliver. This became clearly evident when someone wanting to protect our son said that a procedure would not hurt. After the procedure was done, our son emphatically stated that it indeed did hurt and that he could not trust that person to tell him the truth. We realized how trust could help in the process, and that we needed to be open with our son, in order to help him. When procedures like IV’s or spinal taps were going to be performed we would say that it would hurt but just for a short time; that he should take a deep breath and focus on his happy place (which for our son was the swing in our back yard). We found that when our son had procedures that did not hurt, he would be completely and totally relaxed, knowing that we would always be honest with him. When he would ask questions that we did not have the answers too, we would always try to find the answers for him. Also, we tried to become better listeners because we wanted to respond to each question that came from his heart. We gave him the information that he requested, but we were mindful to give him the answer in a way that was compatible with his age and his understanding.
6. It was helpful to remember to stay organized. We used a notebook to write down everything. The notebook came in handy as we wrote down questions that came up during the day. Then we would have a written list, of things to remember to ask the doctors the next morning. Also, we used the notebook to write down the names and phone numbers we needed of doctors and to keep the business cards of all involved in our son’s case. The notebook was also used for clinic visits, medications schedules (and their side affects) and also a reminder of medical procedures. This notebook was a valuable resource in the process of staying organized and it was always kept near the phone.
7. It was helpful to remember that a schedule helps the child. Often trying to keep a schedule is a difficult thing to do in a hospital setting, but doing so is helpful. We would often let the staff know when our son was tired (note on the door for naptime). We requested to know the best time to schedule physical therapy, and when bath and meal times would be. School issues were difficult, but a teacher on the unit helped greatly as well as the hospital staff assigned to each unit. The schedule would be helpful for family and for other visitors, who needed to know when would be the best time for their visit. Keeping a schedule means maintaining some type of normalcy for the child. We were also mindful to open the blinds in the morning to let our son know that it was time to wake and to close the blinds at night to let him know it was time to sleep.
8. It was helpful to remember to use the hospital services. We did not know all of the services that the hospital provided until sometime later in our stay. There was a social worker assigned to our unit and when we met with her she informed us of all the services the hospital provided. For some hospitals, what they provide was different then what we received, thus some of this information is unique for each hospital. For us, at a Children’s hospital we learned that there were rooms set aside to sleep in during the day and rooms assigned for the evening. Meal tickets and parking vouchers for parents were available through the social worker on the unit. We could order a meal (for a fee) with our child’s meal so we did not have to leave the room as often. We also found one nurse that our son responded to greatly we requested if she could be assigned to his room whenever she was on duty. The answer was positive, and that made our child’s stay more comfortable since she knew him well. Also, remember to use technology within the hospital. The fax machine soon became our friend, since our other two children were living far away. We used the fax, to correct homework, to see completed work, to sign report cards and to send messages of love. As a mom, I would often send love and kisses by way of fax, putting a kiss with lipstick on a sheet of paper and also tracing our hands to show the touch of love sent from the hospital to our home. The response from our boys was usually with anticipation as to see what we had faxed that day.
9. It was helpful to remember the bring items from home, to make your child’s room more personable. Stuffed toys, posters, artwork, family pictures and games, were always part of our son’s hospital room. We made our child’s room (as much as possible) like his room at home. Bringing all the things that mattered to him to decorate the hospital room made his surroundings more comforting. We found it helpful to keep a camera close at hand, and when someone came for a visit we would take his/her picture and put it on the bulleting board to remind our son how much he was loved and cared for. We also kept a sheet near the door for each visitor to sign before leaving the room; it had our son’s name at the top and under it we asked visitors to write how our son was special to them. These encouraging words helped greatly. Also we requested each visitor to bring their favorite scripture verse when visiting and leave it up on the wall, so we could recount the visit and what made that verse special to that person.
10. It was helpful to remember to be mindful to stay well. We realized that if we became sick we could not take care of our child. Since cancer patients often have low blood counts, they can easily pick up something that could become difficult to fight off. We had to remind ourselves to eat (even if we were not hungry) and to sleep whenever possible to help our bodies stay well during the hospital stay. Realizing that we as parents needed to focus on our health was a difficult thing to do. When your family is facing a life threaten illness; it is too easy to become totally focused on the one who is sick. So when others came for a visit, we would us this time to eat or sleep knowing they had company for a period of time.
11. It was helpful to remember that your child often watches your reactions. Once, while a family member was crying, our son asked if he was dying. We then realized how much he gauged his heath according to our reactions. Knowing that little eyes were watching our every move made us very aware of our reactions.
12. It was helpful to remember that you may be the parent of more than one child. We had two other children to care for and to think about. How could we be in two places at once? Since we knew we could not, we were mindful to have one parent home when out two other children were home and to set aside personal time for each child. This sends the message that they are important and loved too. When you are a single parent, incorporate the help of others around you who care and want to help.
13. It was helpful to remember that when one person faces a medical diagnosis, the whole family faces it too. We would often say that when our son was diagnosed with cancer the whole family has cancer too. Each family member’s life was now changed. Now there were new things to do, and new schedules to keep. Hospital visits would now become routine and the home environment would change drastically. Mom and dad now took on new responsibilities and the siblings do too. It was a difficult time for everyone, and sitting down taking the time to talk become vitally important. Sitting together to ask and answer questions is helpful. We were a team, a family and we wanted to all work together toward the same goal.
14. It was helpful to remember to incorporate the other siblings in the care of the one who is sick. This was not difficult because the needs of the family are numerous. Certain things needed to be done everyday, from the simplest (holding a brothers hand) to the most difficult (waiting for a long hours in a hospital setting). Incorporating the care of the one who is sick by other family members makes the family bond grow even stronger.
15. It was helpful to remember to give your child a job to do. This often seems strange when we tell others about this request we asked of our son, but it worked so very well. Our son was totally focused on his treatment at the beginning of his illness. After several months, he would cry when entering the hospital because he knew what was ahead of him. Then a dear friend made a valuable request. She asked him if he would like a job to do. His job was to be an ambassador for Jesus Christ to those who were sick and in need of a helping hand. When our son realized the importance of helping others, he quickly refocused his thoughts on them. He would often talk with those who were going through treatment, telling them that they were not alone, and help them by holding their hand during difficult times. This changed his whole outlook and thus, he found purpose in being at the hospital.
16. It was helpful to remember that no one knows your child like you. Being your child’s primary caregiver, you will know all the specifics of your child’s life and all the things that make your child unique and special. The personality of each child is so very different. The hospital staff knows this too, and will work with you regarding your child’s needs. This information is useful in a hospital setting, since there will be opportunities when you will use this information to help in specific situations with your child. Knowing all the specifics of what makes your child unique will come in handy during times of diagnosis, medical procedures, stress, and fears. Others will look to you to see how to handle certain issues, and you will most likely know how respond since you are the ones who know your child best.

I am the answer to somebody’s prayer
Help me look closer Not be caught unaware
To the needs all around me
the abundance of sorrow
Please help me be their light for tomorrow.
To act, to help, to serve to do
all that I can in your Name, Lord for You.

I am the answer to somebody’s prayer
How can I do it, this burden to bear?
I on my own strength will stumble and fall
Only with your help, great things I can do
I will arise be an Ambassador for You
To make a real difference Lord, I do know
I will be like the farmer
who reaps what he sows.

I am the answers to somebody’s prayer
I am ready to start Lord, I am ready to care
Weary I am to complete the task
But I know your help will come from above
When I take that first step out of faith in true love
To do your will Lord Thine be true
To be someone’s prayer answered by you.
- Linda Sottile

1. Come at a time that is best for the family. It is usually best to have a pre-set time for your visit. However, it is important to understand that the person you are visiting, may have had a tiresome day and may not be able to see you. If this turns out to be the case, be prepared. Leave a note or a card that you have brought along with you, writing them a simple note that you were thinking about them. If you are able to see them, stay for only a short time 1/2 hour or so – unless there is something you are specifically doing for or with them.
2. Bring something with you on your visit that is special to you, that you wish to show them – something to talk about. Be prepared to have your conversation be about the things that would be interesting to them: something you’ve read, a movie you’ve seen, someplace you have visited. Getting them to laugh is very therapeutic. Remember in talking to them that they are in a bed and their world is different from yours. Always remember what is important to them and try to bring that up during the conversation. Do not ask a lot of medical questions; just show that you are interested in their world and their life.
3. Remembering to wash your hands when entering the room to show that you care about their health. This is just a good idea since you will want to sit near the person and washing your hands helps prevent the spread of germs. In doing this simple act, it shows the person that you are considerate about their health.
4. Making eye contact is so very important. Sometimes when entering the room you see a person who might look different then before. Remember they are not defined by what they look like on the outside, but rather who they are on the inside. Keeping your eyes focused on them shows that you care about them. The machines and the sounds in the room can be overwhelming to anyone who is not used to it. Just keep your eyes focused on the person and their needs.
5. Be mindful not to stand in the way of things they need: medication, food, bathroom breaks, diaper changes, blood draws, etc. Be considerate and leave the room during those times if needed. Nurses and doctors often come into the room to check on their patients. Be alert as to when you should be silent, move or leave the room so that others can talk.
6. Realize that this trauma goes far beyond the person, and that their entire family is affected. Come ready to interact with the other family members also. When someone is changed by sickness, the whole family dynamic changes, as well.
7. Leave something on the wall for them to remember your visit: a picture, Scripture verse, or drawing. Often those who are ill are in bed and confined to a smaller living space. Brightening their room with reminders that they are loved is comforting.
8. Find time to stay connected. Send cards or emails between your visits. You might even leave a message on their answering machine. Do not, however, necessarily expect a response. Know that your message will get your point across.
9. Be consistent. Don’t say or promise something if you are not sure you can fulfill that promise. Attempt to keep any promise you make to visit again (emergencies excepted). It is often better not to promise anything, then to make a promise and not be able to fulfill it.
10. Put your own interest and feelings aside, and focus fully on the person and their family. A truly ministering person will think of what others’ need even before they are asked.
11. While visiting, do a mental check list of things that you might be able to do to help the family; housecleaning, food shopping, baby-sitting, getting coffee, etc. Put yourself in their place and ask yourself, “What sort of things would I need and want if I were in their situation?”
12. Be mindful to never visit when you are feeling ill or sick. A cough or cold might greatly interfere with the healing schedule of a sick person. Better to reschedule your visit for another time then to take a chance of transferring your illness.
13. Continue to keep the family and the person in your prayers. Tell them that you will set aside a time each day for them in prayer. This means so much to the family and person to know that they are being thought about and cared for in this way.
14. Please know that one person, just one, can make a huge difference in the world of another. Don’t wait until a group is formed, you can and will start making a difference today.

For more information, download Hospital and Shut-in Visitation Helps.