Michele's Journal

More adventures

2009-06-09T16:45:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Just to give you guys a heads up - I decided to expand my blog. I may still write on here, but I have a new blog called a Life of Midnight Adventures. It's more colorful and hopefully will be more suited to me than this (very standard looking) blog. Enjoy! You can find it at:

http://midnightadventure.blogspot.com/

-Beloved

Secrets...

2009-05-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

-Khalil Gibran

Heartache

2009-05-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Oh how my heart doth ache!
I am impassioned with all
that overwhelms my soul!

My soul acheth with burden
My heart weeps
with the loss I must endure

My spirit seems not sure
and does not know what to do
All it can do is cry out

My mind is overwhelmed
with turmoil and pressing thoughts
How I urge rest to come!

How can I ignore the Arrows?
Oh they pierce my heart
They tear through my soul

But how can I neglect the Romance?
My Lover calls in the midst of my pain
My spirit seeks to tend to Him who calls

I ache beneath the weight I carry
My back begins to break
I wonder how I came to carry it all

Though He urges me to give it all up
Not to carry it, but give it to Him
I find I am afraid and don't know how

Though He whispers in my ear
and kisses my heart and my lips
I deny Him, afraid and half ashamed

He calls me in all I do
yet I feel consumed by what is here
Another love has left me broken and alone

My love! Return to me!
Or give me promise of return!
My heart knows not how to cope...

But my Lover tells me peace
My Lover says He comes above all
This Lover says He is my first

My heart aches for what I can touch
for one I can see
Though I must learn He is enough for me

How can one cope?
How dare I toil?
It will only make my heart bitter

I wish I could hope
and I find I hope too much
Do I waste my time? Do I burden myself?

All these answers I wish I knew
And my first Lover I still wish to know
Oh lover, I miss you, still my heart is true...

copyright Michele Aimee Lahaie 2009

Selah

2009-05-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

Lord,
Be constant for me, for I waver and am weak like a reed that strains against high winds and waters. I am like a beautiful flower that cannot survive under the beating hail without your hand to cover me. I am like a leaf, drifting without direction, caught up in the winds of this world, waiting for Your gentle breeze to guide me. I am like the clouds, heavy laden with rain and needing a release. I am a fawn in the fields, I cannot survive without a motherly doe's care, or a fatherly stag's protection.

Lord, so as this, I submit myself to you, for I know you will lead me to still waters to drink; you will give me shade to rest, food to eat, and a safe place to lay my head at night. I have no fear, for I know you will keep me from the hunter.
Selah

written by Michele Aimee Lahaie, 2009

my heart...

2009-05-14T18:59:00.001-07:00

Have you ever taken time just to notice your heart? There are times when your heart just wants you to be still, and to listen to it; listen to it's hurts, desires, longings and what it misses. What does it want more than anything? 10:00, tonight. I was standing on my balcony, enjoying the evening, watching cars pull in and out onto the street. My heart throbbed slightly. It asked me, 'are you listening?' Yes, dear heart, yes I am. 'are you feeling?' Again, yes. It began to pour out, steadily flowing with thoughts and emotions that had gone unnoticed...

Under control and absolutely Ravishing!

2009-05-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's so crazy. How quickly God can turn our lives around - if only we will ask. Last night I felt like my mind was reaching 3 million RPMs in my head, speeding faster than any car I've been dreaming about, and I felt like life was out of control. And it was. But when I wrote last night, as I posted, it acted as a release for me. The Lord accepted that as my plea, as an offering unto Him, and today He has given me a new confidence, He has given me a path to follow, and right now I'm planning out my life at His side.

I imagine myself sitting next to Daddy, His arm around me, and we're both looking at a layout of my life, and He's showing me where it is I'm coming from, and where I should be going. He's helping me write out how to get my life back in order. He's told me to put my life in order! and He's showing me how! It's such a crazy thought to me. He wants to be in control, and He wants me to be in rest, and this is how He is doing it. Mmm, I love You, Daddy.

Last night, He whispered into my ear, "You've ravished My heart", and all of today, I've felt it. I've felt His Love radiating down on me, and in return, I'm feeling ravished as well! Being that lover to my Lover is what is setting my life straight. My first Love. Ah, perfect Love. How sweet and glorious! My Lover, I'm ready for You!

Ravished

2009-05-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going through it. (In another sense, my 'other half' is going through it, and I'm going through my own stuff, but pulled into his too.) I feel yo-yo'ed. I feel tugged around right now, like saltwater taffy being pulled in a million directions. I want out. I want off this wild ride. Life is absurd, insane right now. God brewed up a storm and it is with churning waves that tower far above my head. Jesus must have told Daddy, "make the waves really big, eh?" (haha, in the words of Graham Cooke). I just feel so compromised, so half-hearted right now. I feel half-alive sometimes. Then my heart aches so bad, and I remember how alive I really am. My life is out of my control right now, and though I feel out of control - I keep watching God use whatever I think is horrible, and He turns into something magnificent. So I'm just waiting for Him to do that for me now.

Right now my hair is a mess and needs to be cut, my face is breaking out under stress, I'm having strange pains (stress?), and I just feel anything but beautiful. I can't even seem to get my words straight on a page for a blog! But tonight, as I was thinking about this, and trying to pull my hair out of my face (it's so annoying right now!), and trying to envision my haircut, trying to imagine myself looking and feeling beautiful - God whispered to me. He whispered into my ear as only a lover would. His lips were soft against my ear, and I could hear a loving whisper as He told me "You've ravished My heart". What??? Me? How?? I don't even feel like He is ravishing my heart right now! Can't I at least feel loved right now? But He told me "I am. I do love you - you aren't receiving it, because you've forgotten how to love perfectly. Once you learn that perfect love, you will feel my heart, you'll be overwhelmed like you have been so many times. Overwhelmed by my love, ravished by my heart". Whoa.

What does ravished even mean? I'm reminded of Song of Songs when I read that. There He says "You've ravished my heart, my sister, my bride". Ravished? What is ravishing? Capture. Captivate. Enchant. Enthrall. Thrill. Enrapture. Delight! Charm! I do all of this? Wow. Why? How?

My heart does this, because He sees my true heart, and He knows who He is making me into. He sees past all of the muck, He sees beyond my layer of skin, He sees beyond my mistakes and sees into my hearts true and pure intentions - my desperate desire to Love and know Love, my desire to be His Bride. Oh my Lover! Come ravish my heart! Let me know Your heart!

Here's my next problem. As I'm going through these millions of things, I wonder: how do I go further? I've noticed, I've grown and grown. And now I feel like I'm at a standstill. I thought, 'oh great! I've made it! I'm done! I'm here!!" and then I felt God shake His head. He said no. I'm at a standstill. I've grown so much on my own, and I've learned so much just by being with Him and delving into His heart - but I've stopped learning on my own. (Or so it feels). If you read back in my entries on here, you'll see that I wrote last summer about how God wanted me to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I've still got that pull. It's stronger. In fact, it's particularly strong right now! I have a thick cord that's trying to pull me ahead right now! I so desperately want to be what He is asking me to be - and I can't do it alone. I need a mentor, a guide, a teacher. I need a Proverbs 31 woman to learn from. I need a woman who's heart has been beckoned the same way, and I need to be able to follow her. I want to pick up her mantle, and get that double-portion. I refuse to come to a spiritual halt for no reason.

God? Either ignite my passion and open my eyes anew (yes! make all the scales fall off my eyes! Help me to see where I am blind!), or send me someone who can push me to take the next step. Here's the thing: I know the next thing is about to be incredibly painful. But I want to dive in head first anyway. I want to push ahead. Better to get this step of pain out of the way, and be one step closer to Him; better to step forward, plow through pain and get out of this storm, than to be stuck in this thing forever.

I love You God!

I love you, all my sisters and brothers who are reading this. Please keep me in your prayers, that I would have the strength, courage and desire to press farther, deeper. I truly want to know His heart, and I know my life won't go anywhere until I get past this series of storms. If you're despairing (as I recently find I often am), be encouraged and know that I've gone through several crushing storms in which I've nearly lost my life a few of those times - but I am stronger for it. God has not put me through anything I could not handle - He has always saved me, even if it was at the last moment. Each storm is small enough to make you strong enough to endure the next one. Would you not want to get stronger? To build up endurance?

There are trials. This is also why we should encourage each other, why I need it, and why I know you need it.

I know this was a really long entry - my heart is spilling, pouring out. There's so much more still there, but so much I haven't yet uncovered, and so much more I don't yet know how to express other than in tears or groanings (which, lucky for us, God understands perfectly. In fact, the translations can be cool! haha). More will come!

All my love!

Michèle Aimée (Beloved)

Naked Feet

2009-04-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

This is another poem I wrote that night on the road back from the Biltmore Estates. Another piece of my heart, and further insight into what my Lover, my Father, my Provider is doing in me...

Something has changed

I don’t know what it is

But I love it so

Nothing in my way

No burden on my heart

No secrets to betray

No man to make me cry

My heart isn’t breaking

My soul isn’t draining or dry

Without need to try anymore

For someone who cannot love my heart

I’m alive! Not breaking to my core

I’ll never find a man

But when he’s ready

He will come find me

Time for me to be free!

Time to breathe, live and love

To reconnect to holy Trinity

Acoustic troubadour

Get up from your hammock

And sing to me, mi Amour!

Love my naked feet

We’ll walk in love,

Walk to music, and by silence

We’ll make up stories for stars

Be warmed by body heat

Keep away from speeding cars

My chivalrous boy, love travel

Love the country and the sea

Fall in love beneath the starry sky

Take my hand – we’ll dance in the street

Giggle and laugh with me

Kick up gravel, sand with naked feet

I’ll love all this alone

until your heart finds mine

I’ll laugh and dance on my own

and wait until His time

Vagabond Princess - prose

2009-04-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

This is the piece of prose I mentioned in my last post. Happily I can say that the Lord has been kind enough to introduce me to such a person as He promised here :)

Mind you, this isn't a perfect piece, nor do I claim it to be anything brilliant - all I claim is that this is a piece of my joy, my heart and a confession of my spirit.

(I believe I wrote this around December 28, 2008)

Vagabond Princess

What man will come,

I do not know

Though I have my hopes

I cannot know

He must love Christ

First and above all

His heart must be drawn

Feel His call

Of all he may choose

To want from me

All he truly needs

What is heartfelt, and what is free

Let him be alive,

wildly soar

Free heart and soul

Let him let go

Unimpeded

Unafraid to dance or sing

To live, to learn, explore

A vagabond, wayfarer at heart

Unfettered by his mistakes

With a full heart

Not heavy with burden or regret

Only a rage for new life

My love for him

Need not be based on the slight

Let me never love

For things, for talent, or his service

Let it be my heart

To lay down my all for him

And his heart be full

And with unbounded return

All we do together

Shall be ruled by

What God would have us do

Not by either our wills

I will be happy

Even if poor as church-mice

If we follow our call

If he is who is meant for me

I want to be barefoot when I wed

To feel the dirt

Beneath my feet

So close to what is real

Let him sing with me

Play for me

Film with me

Climb with me

Dance with me

Laugh with me

Create with me

Play for me to dance to

When not the happiest

Of times

Let him be tender with me

And I will be all for him

When that is all he needs

I will be his support

And he will be mine

All the while,

We can trust that

God is faithful

knowing He carries us both

When I am ready

In Him,

Let me be all I need

For my wayfaring prince

Without needing to change

Any one thing

About my heart

Oh this vagabond princess

She, my soul can barely hide

Vagabond Princess

2009-04-28T17:00:00.001-07:00

I want to share a piece of my heart, as well as a bit of prose I wrote over Christmas break. I was with my family late that night as we drove back from a majestic sort of day at the Biltmore Estate. I felt like something of a princess right then, enjoying the royal-feeling estate, and yet the afternoon bumming around downtown Asheville had turned my thoughts back to feeling like a gypsy, a vagabond, a wayfarer who enjoyed the road with bare feet. I had just bought a glass-blown necklace with a little yellow glass-blown mushroom in it. You've probably seen me wear it, since I'm never without it.

It felt glorious. It had been an awe-inspiring day that left me with such conflicting feelings, and such a sense of peace. I knew who God was making me into. I knew I was His princess, and I knew I was a vagabond, enjoying every moment of the wilderness He had me wander into. I was His vagabond princess. Who should a vagabond princess have? A prince who would tame her wild heart? A vagabond who could not care for her heart, but would let her be free? Or would there be someone made to fit? I asked Daddy about it, and though it was dark, and I had no light, He told me to write. He wanted to introduce me to new thoughts; He then introduced me to someone I would not get to know for only a short while longer. He made me content with myself first, and made me realize not to love anyone else before Him. He made me love Him first - my heart was smitten.

Today I was reminded of this. My eyes were opened last night, and I became painfully aware of the fact that God, my Lover, was trying to Romance me - and I had flat out ignored His advances. He prompted me to realize that He is after my heart, that I am His Beloved, that I am Captivating - that He wants my heart first. So although I am in a 'break' that is painful inside of me (my soul has been trying to thrash my spirit to bits over it), God is telling me I need to fall deeply, madly hopelessly, and faithfully in love with Him all over again. I've neglected my Lover. What a distressing thought! Only once I restore this deserved, necessary love to Him, only then will He restore all else to me.

Surrender! Surrender your heart to me! (This is what He is calling to me.) Let go! Let go of the world, let go of all other lovers, let go of addictions, obsessions! Let go of worries, of failures, of feelings of worthlessness. Let go of all shortcomings, and weaknesses and realize I AM all you need. Realize that you need no one else, if only you have Me. Take Me, take Me as your Lover, and I will teach you Love. I will teach you how to love yourself, your husband, your family, friends, and all company you keep. I will teach you not to despair, I will teach you not to care about that which the world cares about. I will teach you patience... again. I will teach you joy and thanksgiving. I will teach you the discipline of peace, of rest, of stillness - all of this in your spirit. I will teach your soul (your body, mind, will and emotions) to submit to your spirit, and teach your spirit to submit to My Holy Spirit.

I'm ready, Lord. I surrender. I want it all, and I give up trying. I can't do it on my own anymore, and I don't want to - it is beyond painful. This may be normal to anyone living out of their flesh, but I know so much more, and never want to go back. Why would anyone want to be even in the highest fullness of 'joy' (in their own power) - when it is so much more overwhelming and promising, and beautiful, to be filled with Your Joy - and it is a thousandfold stronger! I want YOUR joy, Lord. Fill me with all you have to give me, and I do not expect any benefits of the world which I've been clinging to, to be restored to me. Yes, by faith I give it all up - and because in faith I know Your promises, I know you want not only to restore me, but to bless me further. So? Here I am Lord. Take it all. You have me. I am Yours.

“You will be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord…”

Isaiah 62:3

Sunsets

2009-02-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, but sometimes there are things so awe inspiring, you cannot help but have to write about them. Tonight I was watching the sunset, as I have been every night for some time now. It's one of the most beautiful things I've laid eyes on, and it changes constantly, from moment to moment, and is different every night. Tonight I wrote as I watched the beauty unfurl before me. This isn't prose that I sat down and purposed to write - I was writing this to someone very dear to me, just describing to him what it was I saw.

The breeze is crisp, the clouds are rippled and drawn out, pulled like
salt-water taffy over the warmth of the setting blaze of a star. The sky
is perfect hues of fading blue. Half of the sky debates darkness with
its grey scrapes of clouds, tainted with pink edges, bleeding orange.
Wisps of white play across the gloom. In the distance, the taffy-pulled
clouds take on a deep purple, and candy oranges play on the edges,
catching light. No silver lining, only the most royal and majestic of
gold-leaf rim the thick bulk of dark taffy-cloud. The wind wafts through
the sky, giving the lavender tinted-clouds a smell of blue-bonnets and
snapdragons. The grey clouds have a sweet smell of incense,
embittered by smoky appearance. Mmm, the cotton candy pink puffs
hovering over the rims of the earth look positively playful!

Cloth-skinned cars

2008-07-27T11:17:00.001-07:00

This fascinates me to no end. BMW has been reconsidering how cars are structured, and began to wonder whether or not the metal exterior was even necessary. As they explored different possibilities, they came out with something new they're calling GINA. They moved away from a hard, metal 'skin' to something more flexible, and can move in different ways a fixed metal car cannot move outside of its fixed structure. I have to admit, at first I was not impressed - who wants to drive a lycra-covered car? Might as well wear a skin-tight lycra or spandex suit while you're at it. But the video is pretty darn impressive. I'd love to see these on the road someday (though apparently it's being sent straight to the BMW museum in Munich. Maybe someday....)

Anyway. Go check out the link - and watch the video! It's so cool to watch ^^

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/ecogeek/644/bmw-s-cloth-skinned-car.html;_ylt=Agn0ZnBCsNv66jlNSNuUrA.IV8cX

http://www.inhabitat.com/2008/06/17/transportation-tuesday-bmw-gina-light-visionary-model-revealed/

With that said, will someone please take me to a car show?? It's been too long since I've been :/

Too much.

2008-07-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

I feel stuck right now. In so many ways, I feel like I'm at a dead end - but I also feel like there's a really easy way out of these dead ends - I'm just too frustrated to calm down for a moment and consider the options (only to find out the answer is the simplest solution...)

I've not got an apartment when I come back to Regent in the fall (they gave incoming freshman precedence over several juniors and seniors, apparently). While that would have been alright, I never once received any emails telling me one way or another about my housing situation. When I called, I was fussed at and told that I got an email 'the other thursday' (which was not true. I've been haunting my inbox, waiting for that email, as well as calling housing almost every day). So now I'm stuck with trying to find a place to live, or (there is a place I've found that I would like) people to live with me. This has got me pretty worked up, though I know I need to just trust God with it and let Him guide me. Ya, that's still difficult. Especially when parents are nagging about it every moment they remember. It's so prominent in my mind right now that I can focus long enough on more important things, like finishing my term paper for Shakespeare. But I'm still so burned out right now. I'm glad I didn't take any more classes beyond this Shakespeare class. I would have died. The class was enough by itself. I absolutely love Shakespeare - but reading play a day when you're already burned out? Not too wonderful.

The final is on monday. I'm not too worried about the final exam (I go in and write two long essays on a topic the prof gives us on the spot. I've always been good at this), though this problem of not being able to focus on anything for more than a few short minutes at a time is bothersome. Even more worrisome is that I can't type up more than two or three sentences of my term paper at a time. I've got most of it hand written out, in light blue ink that is almost too light to see.

There is so much else going on that I don't even know where else to begin or what else to say. Mostly I don't want to share - I just somehow expect people to telepathically know what is going on and then know exactly what to do to remedy whatever is the matter. Of course, thusfar, I have no results. I guess I should meet someone telepathic first ;P

On a side note, I hate being fed lies, but there two lies I find particularly distasteful. Two lies I see given to so many people, so often. I've been told these lies my entire life. "You're not enough" and "You're too much". I'm not enough, and I'm too much. How does that work? No. Neither of them is true, neither of them is very uplifting, and neither is anything anyone needs to hear. You're not good enough, pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, talented enough, tall enough, et cetera. or You're just too much. These are hurtful things. What hurts worst is when you get both as a verbal slap at the almost same time - from one person! How confusing is that??

On a random note, I'm really intrigued by Harleyquinn's costume. Always have been. I think I might like to sew her costume for myself some time. ...I'll be your HarleyQ if you'll be my Joker ;)

Oh. And if you still haven't seen The Dark Knight (what gives??) Go see it!! Now! It's all too brilliant. I haven't written about it yet, because I can't keep myself from giving spoilers. And I hate spoilers with a passion.

Heart's cry

2008-07-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm at work, sitting in the sound booth, tears spilling from my eyes as I stare at a blank page. My fingers test the keys, but I don't know where to begin. My heart is welling up with a hurricane of emotions. The tears are splashing down out of my eyes, not from hurts that are my own, but for others. My heart is breaking over and over, not for my own selfish motives, but in suffering for others. As I see others who need life restored to them, I pray that they will receive not only what they need, but will receive everything in great abundance. Some of what I am seeing is so terrible, and yet they are resolved to work things out alone. My heart aches at this. Though we always have God, there are things we cannot do alone. Some things we cannot handle as one person, we need to let that person God has sent to help us through. Other times it is right not to involve other people - but this is a time I see we need to peruse the revival God has sent! Let God burn that horrid burden, sin and smut out of you with the Holy fire he is sending all over the world right now! Some do not seem to react well to this at all. They just have to do things alone, in silence and sometimes under a lie. So, as I see friends suffering under a burden I cannot understand, I cry desperately to God- heal them! show them your heart, show them your grace! Then I wonder, why won't he meet them where they are? Why won't He just douse them in the burning glory of Holy Ghost fire? Let your glory come down Lord, please.

Why am I so affected by the spiritual state of others? Things I could not understand a month ago -even a week ago!- I now see, understand with perfect clarity and suffer in my spirit. I want to take the burdens for others. I want to let them let go, and carry the beast of burden for them. But what Christ did is far greater than any small gesture of my taking on someone else's burden. Why does it seem some of us are so much more prone to heavy storms and prolonged suffering? I, and quite a few I am close to seem to suffer more heartily than others, it seems. Yes, I said seems. Others constantly chirp how wonderful things are, but when disaster strikes, everything is a mess and God has forever abandoned them. But those of us I mentioned, we endure storm after raging storm, we endure - and in all of it we still yearn for Him. We cry out to Him to give us some small light, even if it is no brighter than a candle, and we still praise Him, even if we do not see that flickering candle, that glimmer of hope.

So why is my heart burdened so for my loves? Why do I let my heart suffer for them if I know they will get through? Why do I beg God for mercy and to bring them burning, cleansing fire? Am I of so little faith that they will get through? Or is it a good sign that my heart is burdened so much so for them that I would stay up and pray? I feel a need to stay up the night and truly pray for them, but often find myself just steeping in the sad songs I sing for them. I hope I do not steep so long, that as tea, with a tea bag forgotten, I become bitter.

I dreamed in horrible fits of nightmares last night. Demented nightmares disturbed my sleep. My waking moments, and half-woken moments were spent trembling, seeking to find out what they meant. Why would I have such disturb'ed sleep? The nightmares did not go away even in waking. They were vivid and clear. I do not remember everything of my dreams in perfect detail, and some is far too disturbing for me to want to share.

In the dream, everything was perfectly realistic, as far as natural things were. No utter fantasy, no aliens swooping out of skies, no flying horses, no gnomes or tiny dancing demons. It was real life, but so subtly twisted that it made me fear what one small misstep might do to skew my walk on the straight and narrow. I'll skip the most graphic of the nightmare. In it, I was still myself, and still female, but I married a lesbian. In the marriage, no matter what happened, no matter how much I tried, I was never satisfied. My flesh would sometimes be satisfied, but mostly, nothing was ever enough. I could feel my spirit dying. I could feel my flesh take over. My life took a turn for the worst, and I woke up crying. Why was my flesh so adamant in this dream? Why a lesbian lover? Then God showed me through my disgust exactly what He meant me to see. If I lived for the flesh, I would never be satisfied. If I did not live in my purpose for Him, I would never fulfill my purpose, and in not living for Him, I would know my life was a failure. If I broke out of living a life for him, I would be miserable and a life of sin would leave me broken. This was a harsh realization. Both for my life now, and a window into what I could become if I stray from Him when my life becomes immersed in the film industry.

I'm trembling in fear and heart-brokenness, as I wonder what to do with myself. My heart is crying desperately for Him, as yesterdays rainstorm showed. I want nothing more than Him. My summer has been a horrible mess so far, and I've done well to document what good has come as a reminder to myself. I've avoided documenting the bad, since I so oft feel so overwhelmed by it. I want to remember the good, and remember how wonderful it was, and not let the bad overshadow or undermine it. But sometimes there is something so wonderfully terrible, you have to say something. This is that kind of wonderful terror I have. All summer I have been begging for more of Him. More, God, more! I've been driving over and hour and a half most sundays just to go to Rick Joyner's church. Just so I can get in on what God is doing. I want to see Todd Bentley before the summer is out. I want God to show up, douse me in holy fire and burn everything ugly out of me.

God has already done incredible miracles in me this summer, He has fixed me and healed me and is readying me. He is healing wounds of my past, He has taken my broken heart and made it new, He has taken my shredded knees, ankles and elbows and renewed them and taken away all the pain. He is so good - but I want more! Ever more. I want more because I'm not nearly enough. Right now I don't even glow. I want to be pure, purified and have him work in me and through me. I want to talk with Him without ever having to struggle to hear His voice. I want Him to make me shine with His glory. I'm so dull right now. I want all of Him. I want to glow because He burns so bright in me. I want my shadow to heal people as I walk past them. I want to hear God every time he speaks to me, not only sometimes.

"I know your love does not run dry. So i wait for you."

Sun's Teardrops

2008-07-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

I was slumped down in my chair, my legs propped up on a chair I had skewed my way as I listened to the professor gives his interpretations of Shakespeare's "The Winter's Tale" when the first crack of thunder split the air. I slumped even further down as I stole a glance at the massive wall clock, ticking ominously in the back of the nigh-empty classroom. Half an hour til 6 o'clock. Half an hour til class ended. I had no wish to drive through the pouring rain I could already hear coming down on the cold, hollow building. I turned back to the professor and answered his semi-rhetorical speech with some half-iambic rhetoric of my own. In my peripheral vision, I peered out of the top of the window and saw only darkened skies.

By the time the class was over, the storm had subsided - it had given us the five raindrops it thought necessary, and was not too much more gracious. I padded through the dewed grass to my car; I could smell the skies sweet wetness basking in the earth's warmth. The steam that came from the ground, made the very ground seem like it breathed hotly, stimulated by the sweet bit of rain it had so longed for. The grass already looked greener, stood straighter - it looked so much more alive! A soft wind tumbled across the fields, tossing white blossoms across the parking lot, a happy swirl around my feet, a passionate chase at my heels. The selfsame wind tousled my hair and brought new breath to my lungs, it felt like it wanted to restore new life.

So began the drive home, windows down as they always are no matter the weather, when the darkened skies began to their groanings anew. My windshield faced the haply released raindrops indignantly and they were quickly wiped away. At the sight of the raindrops, I stretched my arms far out of my window as I sped through the curves of splashing, winding country lanes. I let my hands be caught in the ripple of the wind as it caught in my palms, wrapped itself up my arm and tossed my hair about; I let the raindrops splatter and kiss my bare arms, even as they became more bitter and biting. As the country lane opened from beneath its canopy of towering trees, my eyes met the sky that my God had so beautifully lit. The skies, though darkened and grey, trembled with thunder that spake His glory, displayed clouds that bowed and bent at the slightest tremor of winds. What sheer beauty it was, even in just its terrible and intimidating self.

But then, a small blot of color showed itself at one side of the sky and began to spread. Gleaming yellow light pushed forth, happy blue showed its face, brilliant green shone brightly and red blushed its way onto skies face. In a low corner of the sky, it faintly, shyly tested the world. It began to spread, a vague show of colored lights hovering over the earth, then with confidence and radiance began to dance across the sky in spectacular brilliance against the dark background of sullen clouds. A rainbow spread its arm across the western half of the skies, a countering veil to the already-present, ominous veil that darkened seas and skies. The colorful veil arched, stretching like a vast ribbon of perfect light and color far over the world, so thick, beautiful and resplendent.

As my eyes were captured in the breathtaking moment, David Crowder burst into worshipful chorus that brought me into even more awe. As the 'Oceanic mix' of O Praise Him, I threw my head back and sang His praises to Him.

"Turn your ear to Heaven

and hear the noise inside

The sound of angels,

the sound of angels songs

All this for a King!

We could join and sing:

"All to Christ the King!"

How constant, how divine,

this song of ours will rise

Oh, how constant, how divine,

This love of ours will rise, will rise...!

O Praise Him!

He is Holy!

Turn your gaze to Heaven

and raise a joyous noise

Oh, the sound of salvation comes

The sound of the rescued ones

And all this for a King

Angels join to sing

"All for Christ the King!"

As he belted his words of praise in glorious song to Him in Heaven, I felt overtaken, my heart ready to burst for joy. I was in awe of the beautiful show of color He had thrown into the dreary sky, a sign of not only hope in dark times of painful, threatening storms, but an aide-memoire that unadulterated beauty can come out of even the most despairing of times, and out of small terrors that seem to temporarily mar my skies. But now all I could see was the brilliant beauty. The beauty outshone all else, and dispersed all tension from the storm. All I could look on was what beauty had come with storms end. With that, my heart cried out and I could contain myself no longer as I tossed my head back and belted out the chorus. But this time I changed the words for myself, and for Him. I could not sing about Him. How could I? I wanted to tell my Abba Father how great He was! I wanted to give Him my praise, and would not conceal my hearts longing...!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

You are Holy! You are Holyyy!

O Praise You! O-o Praise You!

You are Holy! Yes, You are Holy!

He is bringing that rainbow to light in my life, letting me see it brightly, clearly with each storm as it goes and as the next one comes.

Glorious Day

2008-07-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

O perfect, radiant day!

Today, while working outdoors at the climbing towers, I began to realize new things and see other things in new and different light.

As I stood in the sweltering heat of the day, its muggy misery making making me drip with sweat, I could not help but see only beauty in 't.

How great God's love that he would set me in my element, that he would give me work out of doors, outside, in the green, in the natural air, in the suns glory! How "infinitely sweet" that he would treat me to the songs of the birds and the chorus of the cicada. How gentle is He that He would open the skies to send soft breeze to cool my brow, how great His love that He would send a cotton-light cloud to shade my exposed neck. How good that He would send the sun's heat to draw wet toxin through my skin.

Then came the storm. Just as my life has had storm after storm as of late, it began to rain. But how glorious! As I stood with my arms outstretched, my face turned toward the heavenlies, fat raindrops on my fell over my burning body, spilling onto my face -- the sun shone. The sun shone gloriously, brilliantly, beautifully. In that moment, God whispered to me. "This is what I have been doing, this is what I am doing with you now". Woah. "Though it is raining, though your life is a raging storm, I am still here shining my glory down on you". He said just as I have been killing away the Old Self, He is now washing it away, and washing all blemish and hurt away, renewing my heart. As the Old Self was falling away, my New Self was being washed clean, renewed and strengthened.

It was incredible what all He revealed to me in that moment. Just as life's storms have been raining down on me, God has been shining on my soul. His radiant glory is growing in my heart, making it new. Shining in my spirit as the sun shines on a flower, making me flourish as budding rose. How He shines in me! How great is God that he would reveal to me in example exactly what He has done and how He is working in me now! He showed me how I need the rain like water to grow, and the storms to become strong so I can flourish, not just be worn with the elements, not just so I can survive - but so I can stand tall and weather any intensity that comes against me. But He showed me without the sun's rays, I cannot survive. With the sun, I flourish. With this metaphorical sun, the representation of Him, God's glory shines on my soul. Because of this glorious sun God shines on me, my spirit glows with His glory!

Blank Verse

2008-07-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a Shakespeare class this summer, and have been so inspired that I've begun to write in blank verse. (Blank verse just means it is unrhyming and in iambic pentameter.) No, it doesn't have a title. Not yet, haha. Enjoy!

Ill-worn soul, more worthless than specks of dirt

I purposed not to be so low a fool!

Black, serpentine lusts ensnare thy poor heart

Mine heart spattered so too, could not away

O damn spot! Charge not my heart as vixen!

O mar of my soul! Why mark you me cur?

Why make you me ready with loves heartstrings pluck'd?

"Despair and hope make thee ridiculous"!

How you spurn me! My wrath doth boil in me

Give thy venom! Thou'st already poison'd my heart,

With malice, burden'd it. Anger burns my cheeks!

Thy angry charge, not desert of my crime!

Exasperated youth has broken my flesh

And oh! yours, the self-same burden has brought.

There is but fire in thy heart! Of lovers valor!

Brimstone in thy liver, as betroth'ed guard!

Excellence, dear heart, why thou bids't me silent?

Well wounded, love doth beg me mute and blind

Nay! my soul acheth not for banishment!

O, tell me not to hence from thy sweet sight

beloved.

2008-06-24T18:44:00.001-07:00

I've spent my lifetime playing around in costume and dressing up for the stage and aching for that part of the princess waiting for her prince, of the lady who is treated well by men, of Juliet in love with Romeo. Over the past three years, I've realized, I didn't just want that on stage - I wanted it in my life, and it was reflected in what I became on stage or on screen. I've been searching for that, longing to be treated like a princess and far too often in these past few years, I've been treated like anything but a princess, like anything but deserving of respect and love and chivalry.

When someone told me that I deserved to be treated like a princess today, and when FCA came this week and the coaches insisted that all the football players treat me like a lady and open doors for me, carry things for me and always offer to help me -- I nearly broke down and cried. I'm in tears now as I think about this. God is the one who put that burning desire in my heart - to be romanced, to be loved, to be respected. I find myself teetering back and forth, searching God's heart for that romance, that love, that invigorating feeling, but often find myself falling back again. I can't seem to get it. There isn't a church around here that I can connect with, no people with similar beliefs to mine. I've been going to books and reading about what God has for me and I've been watching God.tv and have been watching for that love, hungry for it in my very soul. But I see people on God.tv, so full with His desire, so full of His love and falling over, drunk with Him - I feel an emptiness in my heart, I want that so bad.

Too many times, I've fallen back from God because of this same place I've been in, and am again now, and I've looked for love, wanted someone to want me like I knew I needed to be loved and wanted. I keep getting hurt because I can't focus on God long enough to fulfill that desire he has set aflame in my heart. I burn and ache for it. How can I expect any human to fulfill what He has promised me? But why. though I'm so desperately seeking right now, can't I seem to find and hold on to God?

I have so many questions, and to so many of them, I have the answers - but haven't been able to put them to use. I just have answers sitting here for me, waiting for me to act on them, and yet I can't seem to find a way to do just that.

My middle name is Aimée. My parents named me after a play they translated from French to German, and to English as well. My name means Beloved. They said I was named that because I am His Beloved. (yes, belov'ed, not belov'd). I've felt for so long like I should be able to live up to my name, to live out its meaning - to feel its meaning. I want to be Beloved. I want to be that princess - Princess Beloved. I want Jesus to be my prince, to steal my heart. I want it so bad, and I've been wanting it so desperately that my heart has been aching as I've cried out time and again. My entire summer has just been me crying out - and yet, between, I turn away and think "I'll come back. I need to be loved, just for a moment, I need to be celebrated - even if I'm not Your beloved, just for a moment."

That's not working. I've gotten the attention, the cat calls - and they annoy the heck out of me. I always notice that above any attention, (especially this sort of attention) I want respect. I suppose I should respect myself more in the first place, which I can only do if I am fully satisified by Him, and truly, purely love Him and am devoted wholly to Him. I know God wants to do so much in my life right now - I can feel Him tugging at my heartstrings, beginning to play that love song in my soul. It's so strong right now, stronger than it's ever been before, so I know there's something important happening in my life right now. I need help to keep from getting distracted. I need Him to guide me, to take over and drive.

The song that I've clung to all summer is Jason Upton's "Come up here" - and I could not figure out quite why it resonated so deeply with me, but now it makes sense. Here are the lyrics:

"I was dreaming of the holy city
I was wearing my wings
Then I looked up and saw a doorway to heaven
And I heard you calling me
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved
Come up here, come up now
My beloved, my beloved,

I wanna flylike an eagle in the sky
I wanna fly through that doorway in the sky"

God, I'm ready. Let me become what you named me. Let me be your Beloved. Lord - I am your Beloved, and You are mine.

Summer Swaggers & free, fab parapheralia

2008-06-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today was an all around exciting day :D Though, from the start, you never would have thought so. My morning began with me oversleeping my alarm for work. Yes, early moring wok on a saturday morning. I had somehow managed to forget to turn on the sound on my phone. It was still on vibrate, so any attention the alarm asked for went unnoticed. Work beckoned me at 8 in the morning but Oops! I got there half an hour late :P

FCA (the Fellowship of Christian Athletes) football players have been stinking up the theater, I mean, having their chapel there this week. Running lights and sound in a B.O. filled theater? yum. Got that sweaty man smell wafting up into the sound/ light booth. yecch! ha
But FCA coaches took a liking to me - that was fun:) But they weren't the only ones... As I took my lunch break later, I walked across the campus and to the coffee shop. Oh, the glorious, cozy, dimlit, coffee-stained-couch, sofa-filled coffee shop with strange paintings flecking the walls - I've missed it so! On my way there, I got so many catcalls it was ridiculous!! Perhaps its because I have a sort of summer swagger? ha, so I've been told. "Hey girl!", whistles and hollers trailed after me, no matter where I walked today. I wish I hadn't been the only girl in a 2 mile radius. Back to work for the post-lunch chapel. The FCA staff and coaches decided that since they liked me, and I had been so helpful, they'd shower me with about $50 worth of free stuff! It thrilled me :D

After work, I dove into the pool. It was so muggy, so the crisp water felt so good, cool against my already simmering skin. The neighbors were there with their little kids. The tots were be-bopping around the pool with their awkward little mid-growth-spurt bodies while their parents laid out, soaking up rays of sweet cancer, er, sun. I ended up babysitting the 5 kids there for awhile (free trial much for the new neighbors?), and had a blast with them. The boys love thrown around the pool - haha! The little one who I've been babysitting for the last several years bragged to the other kids (and their parents) about how great I was, how much fun, and how he loved me (.... and thinks I'm his girlfriend, lol!). Then when he had to say goodbye, he waved ad was "bye!!! You're the most beautifulest girl in the whole world I ever seen!!!" Ha! Highest of compliments from anyone, right? The other kids' parents were wowwed. hah. So now I've been asked to babysit more throughout the summer ($10 an hour, here I come!) I love kids, but I'm always glad to give them up at the end of the day ;)

Then, movie time. Saw Kung Fu Panda with dad. Cute movie, Jack Black is always fun. And? Shopping time! I got slide film on sale for 75 cents a pop, which is exciting. Now I can go round the dilapidated uptown with my mom's old Canon AE-1 I dug up and take pictures!
Seriously excitig though? ^_^_^_^_^ - I got the sewing machine I've been wanting! And it was on sale too! (My dad couldn't help but laugh when I told him I wanted a sewing machine, "Yep. I know Michele - you've been talking about it for more than a year and a half now." lol). It's a compact little thing, and came with a hand held sewing machine for free. I have a purse, a hot pink salsa dress, a broomstick skirt, some shirts and a few other things that have been waiting to be sewn together for awhile.... Time to sew! (Here comes the cheese - I'm sew in love!)
That was my exciting day, full of free and good priced stuff. ahh yes. I think I'll be spending the next few days figuring out my new machine and playing around with it :)

Oh, and my Mac is back at Apple, being doctored up. I hope I don't have to pay too much for that. I miss my maccy so bad right now (and I hate PCs). Being without it is like missing an arm. Yes - that is a feeling I'm familiar with ;P lol

On a final(ish) note, I miss you guys like crazy. I think this is the first really good day I've had, which is nice. But oh! Virginia Beach! How it calls to me! I miss you guys more than I ever imagined anyone could be missed :'( This is a lonely little town, and I'm missin you to death - and what's even more sad is trying to come to the realization that some of you won't be back when school starts back up. It's really hard for me to grasp somehow. I hope I get to see you guys (Matt and Sanna!) before you leave out for good! I really hope we'll all get our chances to meet up this summer and just chill together for a few last glorious times :) Len, Nathan, Matt, Sanna, Al, Bekah, Dela -all you guys - I miss you sooo much, and I love you beyond anything!

Mario Kart?

2008-06-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

Driving to work this morning, I was speeding- 'racing'. Out here, there are so many wonderful curves and ridiculous turns - they're so amazing fast. Anyway. About halfway to work, I notice something in the road. A perfectly splayed out, perfectly yellow banana peel that would rival those of Mario Kart plopped perfectly in the center of the road. For a moment, I thought to swerve out and miss it, cos I might spin out and have little stars spinning round my head. Then I wanted to hit the button on the steering wheel and leave another banana peel next to it.... and then I remembered. It's not Mario Kart - there's no banana peels trailing after me. I'm not Princess Peach, with buttons on my Wii wheel that'll blast in-the-way drivers into ditches. It's not a video game - my car isn't that exciting :/

Roly Polies in the bathroom

2008-06-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

Things have been interesting. That's the least I can say. Speed limits on the highway are around 45, depending on where you are (small town vs. tiny one-stop-light town), people just stop in the middle of the road and then turn left or right (no blinkers, no indication of turning. they just stop), long stretches of road (it takes 20 minutes in any direction to get anywhere), eh - it goes on. This morning as I drove to work, everything was crawling with coppers. I had to work so hard to go the actual speed limit... I was sure I was going to get pulled over.

My work schedule is looking crazy now. I usually rise in tandem with the sun (eh, somewhere around 6, or when I can will my eyes to stare straight into the face of a new day), and get ready for work at the climbing course. That's alright by now, I suppose. Then here comes the lighting job. I seem to be getting assigned many late night gigs over the next few weeks. My summer will be pre-planned exhaustion. And it looks like I'll be doing alot more driving back and forth than I had planned, and I'll probably not get back in til around midnight most nights. Oh dear. Naps, here I come. I'm already exhausted.

So as I was taking a break between jobs today (15 minutes to cram down a lunch I'm usually not terribly hungry. Usually after I've worked out for a good while), I was standing in the bathroom, leaning against the wall, tired, and staring at my feet when I noticed something roll past my heel. There were dozens of tiny roly polies playing around on, rolling giddily across the pink, grainy bathroom floor, down the slope to the drain, then crawling back up and sliding on their mini-armadillo armored backs. A grin played across my tired, unsmiling face - I wanna play like that, too! But, since I couldn't, I enjoyed watching every second of roly-poly fun :)

A film major's dad has told her that she cannot watch movies this summer. The poor film student was upset by this- probably almost devastated, were it not for the fact that she can usually find her way around anything. That film student would be me. But it turned out that dad's only reason for this was because I'd end up spending too much money on movies over the summer, and not earn enough. Oh. Okay. No problem. So I cued up netflix. Yayy. I'm good to go. But then it turns out that he thinks I've become hardened, callous, defiled because of it. Can I not feel God anymore? Have I no connection to Him anymore? I would beg to differ. I'm in hot pursuit of God right now, seeking His heart, and running after Him. Yes, I love my movies, and maybe my parents will just have to think what they may - but I want to pursue my craft and offer my art, my films - that which God has gifted me to do - back up to Him. Now isn't that a fantastic idea? I'm not saying I want to make 'Christian movies' - oh no, far from it! No mediocrity here. But I don't think that films have to be blatantly beat-you-round-the-skull-with-a-Bible Christian to be Godly, to have our hearts poured into the stories. Films are something we create as an offering to our King, our Father, our Lord - the Creator.

Have you ever noticed that Spagetti-O's are particularly fun to look at and play with? I don't know if I'm the only one, but as I'm eating them, I usually find an insatiable desire and urge to say what I see. With Original Spagetti-O's, your food spells out an uninterrupted ooOooOOooOooOOooOOoOoOOoOOo which I always find particularly entertaining.

Into the Wild

2008-06-14T20:23:00.001-07:00

On a recommendation from Nathan, I watched Into The Wild the other night. (I'll just warn you now, I may end up giving some spoilers in this post....)

Into The Wild was a beautiful film about Christopher McCandless (Emile Hirsch), who, after graduating from Emory decides to abandon his former life, cut all ties, change his name and trek cross country and to Alaska. He hitchhikes and leatherhoofs across the country and meets crazy and exciting people - and alot of hippies.

The shots of all the incredible landscape were nothing less than breathtaking. The story was taken from a true story (which I realize til the end of the film), and though wonderful and beautiful, it was heart-wrendingly sad but so masterfully told. The ideas that the film shared were so inspiring, I wanted to pack up what little I needed and trek off somewhere in the middle of nowhere and just enjoy untainted beauty. The film will challenge your perceptions, make you realize new things. It'll let you have a glimpse at new concepts we in a more urban life might have casually ignored or never realized. The down side? It was very long, and after awhile, had me checking the time a few too many times. When it was all said and done, the tragic story and the beautiful melancholy of the film left me depressed for two days after.... This is not one to watch alone.

Now for something completely different...

2008-06-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but geese come off as a disgruntled species.

For instance, dogs are full of personality - they bark, yip, cry, whine, smile and pant. Many dogs seem to have a generally cheerful disposition.

Geese, on the other hand, once they shed their childish, cute, fluff-feathers, also shed any seemingly harmless and adolescent demeanor. At this point, they do nothing more than eye you suspiciously, raise their ugly wings unimpressively and give an ugly honking yell that reminds you of a bad driver with road rage who is stuck in traffic. Adult geese just come across as neurotic. Other than their anger, they don't exude any personality. When they honk (whoank!), you wonder if they have anything in their language besides anger, disdain or annoyance. They don't seem to have a real language (like other animals seem to), and they come across as disgruntled businessmen who can never make a deal. That's only a little of what goes on in my head, and the kind of thing i wonder about.

On another note, I don't like being used, mistreated or looked down on like I'm something lesser, or useless. I seem to be getting that from all sides right now...

Lights. Silence.

2008-06-13T19:59:00.001-07:00

It's been a few days, but I've been meaning to write.

I got another job - finally. I got a job doing stage and theatrical lighting at the theater here. (It's the univ at which I used to study theater, so that was grand.) Today was my first day at work, and I had to jump in head first. it was really all too much. But it was great. First thing, I had to run up to the catwalks and run spotlight for the debutante rehearsal that was going on (tomorrow night I get to do that all over again), which was pretty chill. I mean, all I did was sit in a broken down, but comfy chair, and run spot at 75 feet up. (I love heights. Good thing, too- at both jobs, I'm usually at least 50 feet up off the ground.) Then after that, I spent all day running around, hooking up cables, cords, lugging lights and stuff around and setting up lights everywhere. It got hot. Really fast. I worked from 8 this morning til noon at the climbing course, and then til sometime after 6 in the evening in the theater. It felt good, but I'm worn out now.

I decided to mozey into our pool when I got home, and just floated there like a lazy bum for awhile. It felt amazing, and the water was at a perfect temperature. Things were quiet, and it was so nice. When I got out, I read by the pool for about an hour - The Oath.

Something I've noticed about my summer is that it's been quiet. Even today, though it sounds like a crazy day, I hardly spoke at all. Since I've been home, I've not said much. Not more than I have to. Typing? no problem - I love to let my fingers glide across the keys and pour forth their stories. Speaking? I've been quiet. For those of you who don't know, I'm a cross between an introvert and an extrovert. Usually I get my time to myself, I'm quiet in the mornings. I open up in the afternoons. Summer away has robbed me of social tendencies. When I first left, I made phone calls with my close friends, and that was the extent of my talking (other than forced conversation with family. ech.)

Summer came, and it brought silence. Since mom and sis left to Germany, I've not spoken at all. I'm sorry I've not even made phone calls. I have no desire to speak. And other than what work demands, I don't have to speak. I have to say "Belay on", "climb on" and do a safety check. I'd get fired - unless I dropped a climber first. lol. But for lighting? I didn't have to say anything but 'firing'. Beautiful.

Peretti reads.

2008-06-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

So here are the Peretti books I've got laid out for myself this summer. They're not in any particular order, not now, not yet. I am, however, reading The Oath right now.

The Oath,

This Present Darkness,

Piercing the Darkness,

House,

Prophet,

Monster,

That's it for now :)