Micro Mom Blog

Worldwide Candle Lighting

2011-12-10T10:41:00.001-08:00

Having lost a baby myself, this is a really powerful worldwide event.

The closest location here in Marin as it the Unity Church in Hamilton, Novato. I’ll likely be attending.

If you can’t go in person, please light a candle from 7-8pm on Sunday 12/11 in honor of all those children who passed away much too soon.

Candle lighting begins in New Zealand and circles the globe for 24 hours, and there are some local events as well. More information is at
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Special-Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

October 4th 2011 - Kaitlyn turns 6 today.

2011-10-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

Well, as many of you know, I don’t seem to blog much any more ..Guess life kids and a busy working mom has gotten in the way of a lot.

But just had to write today, Today is my twins birthday….October 4th.

Still not an easy day for me, all my mind goes to is a scene I play over and over in my head as I’m being wheeled to the OR saying it’s too soon, it’s too soon and then later holding my daughter as she passed away…not really the best of memory days for me..

Today my surviving twin turned 6 years old! So hard for me to believe that she is really 6 years old.

She’s doing really, really well, all things considered.

From a 26 1lb/10 ounce little baby to a 33 pound TALL little girl that is doing really well in Kindergarten.

We had our age 6 IEP transition meeting and thankfully my school is really incredible and basically “found” a way for her to qualify again. They are so great at understanding that we still don’t really know if she is going to have issues when it comes to learning in a few more years and they would rather have the IEP in place (as would I) in case there are more issues that surface.

She gets preferential seating, she has a weighted Lap-buddy kitty-cat that the school provides to help stop her wiggles. With her paralyzed vocal cord, this allows the teacher to better hear her.

We had a doctor appointment today with a plastic surgeon to talk about correcting her gtube stoma site. He gave us 2 options to put her under a General now or wait until she is 10 and can sit still enough to do it under a local. As she is once again sick, I’m opting to wait until she’s older, it’s just cosmetic at this point, no need to rush, she’s not trying to impress anyone in a bikini yet!

And to think that this is one of our biggest decisions, that basically it’s for such a minor thing. She’s really doing well.

What I find most amazing of all is how many people tell me all the time how amazing, special and incredible Kaitlyn is. Her therapists, her teachers, strangers, people I’ve just met. Everyone comments on the fact that she is one of the most amzing, engaging children they’ve ever met and that she has a very special energy about her.

I know what that energy is, it’s her sister looking over her and making sure she’s ok. Corinne, we miss you terribly, but we thank you with the bottom of our heart for hanging in there long enough for our wonderful Kaitlyn to be here with us today and for your special looking out for her all the time.

My love to both of my girls on this October 4, 2011.

I love you Kaitlyn my sweet girl from the bottom of my heart, you are the most special, incredible little girl and I'm so lucky to be your mama. I love you Miss Kaitlyn!

Micro-Tinis in SF for our Micro Preemies!

2011-09-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

If you aren’t aware of my story, I just wanted to tell you that I delivered extremely premature twins at 26 weeks gestation, and my life changed forever.

I have gotten involved with Nick Hall, who also lost a twin as I did with his wonderful non-profit named after the twin he lost: Graham.

Graham’s Foundation delivers NICU care packages to families who are currently experiencing the stress of delivering a micro preemie baby. These care packages will be for our very own Bay Area Hospitals, like CPMC , UCSF, Alta Bates and more.
I’m hoping you can join me (I am the local sponsor for this event) in San Francisco on October 27th!

If you might be interested in helping our or donating to the silent auction for the event, please let me know also!

More info about the event:
Every year 50,000 extremely premature babies – those weighing less than 3 pounds and delivered at less than 29 weeks gestation – are born in the United States, and rates of prematurity are going up each year. The earliest newborns to survive often require intensive care for months and undergo countless medical procedures. Parents of these babies frequently feel isolated from friends and family due to the serious risk to their babies’ health, and this experience is unlike any they expected with the birth of their child.

Jennifer and Nick Hall understand the joys and the heartaches that are a part of the parenting journey that comes with extreme prematurity – their son, Graham, and daughter, Reece, were born at 25 weeks gestation. Graham was with them for just 45 days, while Reece spent four long months in the hospital before coming home. It was their experiences that inspired them to create Graham's Foundation.

You are cordially invited to San Francisco’s inaugural Micro-Tinis for Micro-Preemies fund-raiser, an evening filled with inspiring stories, endless martinis and tasty treats, all to help Graham's Foundation continue their mission of supporting parents of premature babies.

When: Thursday, October 27, 2011, 6:00 - 8:00 pm

Where: Hotel Monaco at 501 Geary Street in San Francisco

Ticket price: $75/person, $25/parents of preemies

For more information and to purchase tickets, please visit our website.
event website

To order more than two tickets or information on sponsorship opportunities, please email Jen@grahamsfoundation.org

2011-09-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

I saw this poem posted today on the Compassionite Friends Network (a group for child loss), I just had to share it: Compassionite Friends Network on Face Book

TO THOSE WHO LOOK AWAY
To those who look away ...
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.
To those who change the subject when I speak my sons' names,
change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times.
We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children.

We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another,
we did.
I thank God for her everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have two in the grave,
and that is two too many.

To those who say to get on with my life,
I have.
It is a different life,
The life of a grieving mother.

One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!
Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.
She is breathing,
but she is dying.
She may look young,
but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you

Open your eyes to US
and you just might see THEM

. ~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

So much, so little time

2011-08-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

I guess when I'm so behind on blogging I don't even know where to start...

So quick run-down:
-Kaitlyn graduated from Preschool in June (mom cried of course).
-Quinn has in the midst of potty training, (he got the pee down very quickly, but the poop isn't going as well and mom is getting VERY tired of cleaning poop out of Thomas the Train and Buzz Lightyear underwear
-The McCarthy's have done some fun camping trips this summer
-Kaitlyn did a trial "hike" of a few miles on our last camping trip in preparation of a back-packing trip with Dad and Mom.
-Quinn turned 3 in July and was finally on the growth charts (at 23 pounds) I still swear he survives on air, he's not a big eater, (but I look at how far Kaitlyn has come so I'm not too worried).
-Kaitlyn has really taken to swimming and has even gotten the hang of treading water solo, so we are loving her being to be on her own in the pool safely finally.
-Quinn thinks he can swim but sinks immediately when pushing out of moms arms so is learning that he isn't really as capable as his sister as of this point.
-Quinn starts preschool in September 3 days a week.
-Kaitlyn starts Kindergarten next week. Mom is a bit freaked out actually. It's going to be such an emotional day for me for so many reasons... It seems that summer is only just hear weather wise and school starting seems way too soon.
-I continue to love where we live and get together with our neighbors all the time for swim parties and BBQ's. It's so nice to love where you live.
-As we redid our back yard and finished the end of last summer, it's been wonderful just hanging out and playing in our own back-yard most evenings this summer. what simple joys summer provides. I love watching and laughing as Q and K play in the yard.
-K had her semi-annual eye check the other day, and the doc indicated that her yes are some of the best ROP level 3 eyes he's ever seen. Her vision hasn't changed at all, and is fairly correctable with her glasses.
-I truly think that K has grown a foot in the last few months...she complains of growing pains in her ankles and is shooting up super fast all of a sudden, she also eats like there is no tomorrow. I still never get tired of watching her devour food and ask for seconds. She almost always eats two dinners, as right before bed she states she's hungry (I thought it was a stalling tactic) but she eats an entire 2nd dinner before bed.
-Neither K nor Q have been sick all summer, and everything has felt like we are just a regular family with regular non-preemie kids. What a joy!
-Kaitlyn really loves drawing and making art projects. I'll have to scan some of her work, she can spend hours on doing her art. She writes a lot of letters, but isn't reading or writing yet.
-Both Q and K love to give concerts, they sing and dance in the back yard, it's super cute! have some great videos of it!
-Quinn still pushes all of our buttons all the time. He loves to torment his sister in various ways, and is testing things all the time with mom and dad. We are using the "www.LoveandLogic.com method with him, with some success, and thankfully it brings down my stress level too. He is known on our street as not being the easiest of kids and I'll certainly agree with that.
-as part of potty training, we got rid of the changing table and got bunk-beds, Kaitlyn is thrilled to have her own space that Q can't bother her, but with Q not being in a crib any longer, the mornings start earlier at the McCarthys (kids used to sleep easily until 8am, that's not longer the case, but maybe good with K's school starting at 8am next week - will be a shock to all of us!
-Work has been busy and keeps me always on the go. The real estate market in Marin has kept fairly steady due to a somewhat limited supply of family oriented houses. But the market conditions make every transaction much harder (and stressful).
-I played ultimate frisbee this summer for the first time in 2 years. In our Marin Summer league and our team came in first place. It was super fun for me to play every wednesday evening, I'm going to miss it. Loved doing something for "me" for a change!
-My micro preemie support group on facebook has now almost 1,000 members! Crazy
-I continue to help others with my support group, but just haven't been blogging as much as I'd like. I still promise to get my book published one of these days!

I hope you and your families are doing well. I'm sorry I haven't blogged at all. It's on my mind all the time, just too much to post so didn't post anything at all!

Preemie Mother's Oath

2011-06-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

It seems like I could have written this...
The following words truely state exactly how I feel in so many ways...This was very meaningful for me!

I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to a nurse taking another temperature, an alarm going off, another round of meds or because I am crying tears for fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a preemie with physical challleges or medical issues, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

My son, the blond Mexican..

2011-03-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

You'd think that my son wasn't blond, blue haired...

He doesn't like to eat....except when it comes to Mexican food. He LOVES LOVES LOVES rice and beans, pico-de-gallo salsa, chips, guacamole....you name it as long as it's not too spicy.

Well tonight (after yet another night for dinner at Chipotle, as the little guy is still only 23 pounds and is 2 1/2 years old). I decided to google Chipotle rice and I found the recipe online. Yeah Google. I haven't tried to make it yet, but I'm hoping he'll eat the same at home!

I found this on the CopyKat.com blog...very cool!

Chipotle rice receipie:

Featured in my local Newspaper

2011-03-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today my story was featured in my local newspaper, the Marin Independent Journal.

Here is the link to the article. In the online article they didn't include any of the pictures that were in the print article so I am including those pictures here:

I was contacted by the features writer and he didn't know much about preemies at all. He asked me what angle the story should take, I told him that I felt the main stream media did a horrible job of telling the stories of micro preemies, that the story is usually, "...oh so and so had a baby weighing just 1 plus pounds and they survived, it's a miracle...the family was released from the NICU and all is just great..." bleck! I hate that story. Think of Octo mom, think of the Duggans, think of any other story. it always ends at release from the NICU. My point is that's when the "REAL" story starts, that's when the families start realizing how hard it is to have a baby that is so fragile and that will likely have life-time lasting effects from their prematurity. That's the real story and Paul Liberatore did a great job of telling the untold part of the story of having micro preemies.

I've had a lot of out-reach since the story was published, with other thanking for telling the real story and to thank the write for doing such a great job!.

Here is the link:

March for Babies 2011

2011-02-16T10:46:00.001-08:00

Wow, hard to believe it's that time again...We have been doing the March for Babies Walk now for 5 years!

This year I was honored to be asked to be the California State Family Teams Co-chair!

If you would like to walk with us or donate money to our team, here is the link to do so:
McCarthy Family Team

I created this video for the walk 2 years ago, every time I go back and watch it I remember how amazing my daughter is and how much she has been through.

(and still going through). Last night she want to the hospital to have a chest xray as her crappy lungs just can't handle getting sick. and she has walking pneumonia...

March of Dimes San Francisco Ambassador Family 2009 from lizmccarthy on Vimeo.

Here is a picture of the California State Family Teams Chairs (and me) at our recent Family Teams Retreat in San Francisco.

Brian and King of the Hammers

2011-02-10T22:49:00.000-08:00

McCarthy Motor Sports in King of the Hammers 2011

Well this has nothing to do with our kids...except to show where daddy has been for the last few years..

I'm so proud of my husband I had to share:

For all of you who know that Brian’s “hobby” has been building a 4x4 Rock Buggy, well, after 2 years… it’s done!

He entered in the “Last Chance Qualifier (LCQ)” for the big King of the Hammers Race in Johnson Valley (down in the LA desert)… and lo and behold he did great and finished…Well he not only finished but he finished #8 out of 120 entrants, VERY IMPRESSIVE…. so he got himself a space in the King of the Hammers race which is Friday.

He built the entire buggy by hand (with a lot of help from his friend Shawn Heywood) but without any sponsors…

This is a REALLY BIG deal.

His brand new-just finished buggy has only been out of the shop 2 times….In all of Brian’s rock crawling “career” he’s probably driven 50 miles (if that…)

His co-pilot for the race (who has also sacrificed a lot of time with his family) is Shawn Heywood…

The King of the Hammers 2011 (2/11/11) is a grueling 120 mile fast race over dessert sand as well as major rocks, boulders, hills… There are exactly 100 entrants in the race. They will leave 2 at a time in 2 minute intervals, one after another and the first over the finish lines wins. Brian’s starting time in the cue is actually quite good (In the top 40 - based on his impressive finish in the LCQ).

It will take them about 12 hours…his goal is to finish, many buggy's tip over, break or any other number of things….be safe boys.

This video clip from the last 2 days of of the LCQ race was just posted and I thought I had to share (it doesn’t include brian in the clip, but it’s worth watching). This video REALLY shows how amazing this race is:

I did attach a few pictures that were taken of Brian’s #415 buggy during yesterday’s LCQ that I found online (I’m home with the kids).

If you want to follow the live feed for the race, it will be here:
http://www.pirate4x4.com/king-of-the-hammers-2011/friday.php
Watch by 8:00 am as his start time will be not that long after 8:00am.

Brian doesn’t have a “tracker” chip, so we can’t watch him directly, but you can see the track of the race here (they do 2 loops).
http://www.pirate4x4.com/king-of-the-hammers-2011/tracking.php

Be safe guys….

Update:

Well Brian is home safe and sound, (he was tired and DIRTY), but made it home safely. Heres a picture of hte buggy parked in front of our house.

During the race, Brian's engine cooling fans (even the back up one) both seized up (maybe do to the amazing dust?) so he only made it to mile 18 (of 120). Of the 100 racers, only 44 finished the race. THis is ONE tough race.

The cool thing is that someone took and posted a video of part of his qualifying run, here is the video:

Corinne's name in the sand

2011-02-03T21:23:00.000-08:00

Last year I posted Corinne's name to be "written" in the sand in Australia by a wonderful, amazing woman who lost a child and gives back to all of us by writing our children's names in the sand.

Of course tears sprang to my eyes.

I thought you might like to see Corinne's name with a beautiful sunset:

Corinne

Carly is amazing, if you'd like to have your child's name written in the sand, visit her blog:
Names in the Sand

Happy Holidays and Happy 2011

2011-01-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

We hope you had a wonderful holiday season and wishing you all the best in 2011~!!

And what did we do for Christmas this year???

Here is the McCarthy 2010 Christmas Card!

Sorry if you didn't get a mailed one, just soo many friends on my list, at least I sent out cards this year!

Twins...Tears..and the Nutcracker

2010-12-12T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today I sent this email to my friends in my local SF Bay Area Twinless Twin Support Group:

Hi Everyone, I’m so sorry for having been so absent the last year, where has the time gone…I had way too much on my plate.

But a number of things have made me realize how much I miss the support from all of you, and would love to try to plan a dinner date for after the holidays.

1. I know how hard the holidays are for everyone..I know how sad I feel and wanted to reach out to all of you in support.

2. Kaitlyn turned 5 year this and I absolutely LOST it at her birthday party, much worse than for her prior birthdays…I had to leave the room as I was sobbing.

3. I took her to the Nutcracker last night and lost it there too…Kaitlyn watched enthralled, sittinng on my lap as tears were streaming down my face for the first 30 minutes of the ballet – will this ever stop…tears for being so happy that Kaitlyn and I were at the nutcracker, tears that I'm a mother, tears for the fact that Kaitlyn was still with me after all she's been through, tears for missing her sister, tears for oh I don’t know, I couldn’t stop them…

4. Today was the annual candle lighting world wide ceremony at 7pm…for the compassionate friends Network..where you are to light a candle in memory of children who have passed too soon.

5. Not sure if you heard on the news, but a few days ago an 18 month old twin fell into a fountain in SF, and I just heard the twin passed away. I'm just heart broken for this family, as I know a bit of what their future will feel like....

My love, thoughts, compassion and prayers go out to all of your during the holiday season..

...and to all of my blog readers who have been through loss or hardship during this holiday season...

Santa 2010

2010-12-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

Well, it was a VERY expensive trip to Santa this year!!!!

After a bit of a hectic Santa picture, mom lost her camera...

Mom is VERY bummed out. I actually think someone grabbed it in the hecticness (probably not a word but I like it anyways)...

So the $35.00 fee to the Santa company is now well over $300 if I have to replace my camera..

UPDATE - YEAH I found it! It was tucked into the canopy of my stroller - probably the only place I didn't look a million times..so very happy!

Tube fed toddler makes the news - Today Show

2010-12-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm always happy to hear when the mainstream media picks up stories that are close to my heart...

Here is a story about a tube fed little boy and the Graz feeding clinic in Austria (where friends of mine have actually gone).

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

How small is Quinn really?

2010-11-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

I finally got my scale to work (funny that I used to use it every day for Kaitlyn), Quinn is 29 months old and weighs a whopping 23 pounds..

How small is that? he is a whopping 1% on the growth charts, that's less than Kaitlyn was at this age. Here is a chart if you want to check your child's weight.

By infantchart.com

Kaitlyn, who is actually eating like a champ, is 5 years old and is only 32 pounds....

So I try not to worry about either of them, but Quinn REALLY doesn't eat much at all.

I'm considering maybe trying reflux meds again...

5 trips in 7 weeks - Vote for me!

2010-11-11T19:55:00.001-08:00

I feel like I've just gotten out of some sort of sick time suck machine or something. Oh and did I mention that I have 2 young children and I work full-time selling houses (and have had a busy year selling houses too!)

Here is a recap:

Trip #1: Michigan for Cousin Jens' wedding:
Starting with my cousin Jen's wedding on September 18th in Traverse City, Michigan, I've been on the go for about 7weeks.

All of my cousins on my mother's side - I'm the eldest, (but certainly not the tallest). RtoL: Brother Gary, Chris, me, Kathy, Jen and Christina

I went on this trip solo, as it was going to be too much money to take the kids to the wedding and hard to manage young children at a wedding. We already had that experience earlier in the year (May) for my step-brothers wedding in New Jersey.

Then for the 2 weeks I was home I got a luxury home into contract that ended up being extremely stressful and I lost a lot of sleep over it. It took up every minute while I was home (and away too).

Trip #2: Kaitlyn's birthday party and Los Angeles for WCR CA State.

Planned and celebrated Kaitlyn's Birthday party on October 2nd, then flew that afternoon to Los Angeles (Anaheim), where I attended the WCR State of CA meeting (I'm the 2010 President of the Marin Women's Council of Realtors).

Trip #3: Brother Gary's wedding

Returned and then left the following week for my Brothers wedding, which was a whirlwind 5 days, with all the family events. Kaitlyn was the flower girls and I was my brothers best "woman".
Trip #4: Atlanta Georgia for Preemie Parent Summit
Home for a few days, then left for Atlanta Georgia. I was honored to be invited to attend (at no cost to me) the first annual National Association of Preemie Parent Summit. The attendees (all preemie parents) have all started non-profits or are influential in the supporting preemie parents. I was invited primarily due to the Micro Preemie support group I started (the link can be found here: http://www.micropreemies.com/ Which now has over 700 members, but also because I run a local SF Bay Area Preemie support group, a twinless twins support group, a feeding therapy support group and am very involved with March of Dimes (ambassador family for the last 2 years, Bay Area Family Teams Chair, and now the CA state family teams chair).

It was a wonderful summit, I had intended to write more and do a summary, but as luck had it, I had to leave the following week again and just didn't have the time.

Trip #5: Halloween Party, Giants Win and New Orleans for National WCR and NAR
We hosted a progressive Halloween street party (we have 5 good family friends on our street that all have children the same ages as ours) at our house, then the Giants won the world series the following day (11/1). I left early the next morning on Tuesday and headed to New Orleans for almost a week. I went one day early to see my wonderful friends (ex-aunt & uncle in-laws) then spent the rest of the time in conference rooms and sessions for the National Women's Council of Realtors conference and the National Association of Realtors conference. As President of my chapter, I had to vote in elections and came away with a lot of great new tech tips.

A Blackberry self-portrait -Liz, Judy LeMarr and Sylvie Zolezzi (Marin Chapter of Realtors) out listening to Jazz in New Orleans!

I'm preparing now to do a presentation next week for our local chapter, am preparing for my last board meeting as president tomorrow.

I seem to have misplaced my camera in all of these trips, so hopefully I can find it to post a few pictures I took.

I'm hoping you'll understand why I haven't been blogging.

I literally don't know how I've stayed afloat the last few months...But finally feel now that I get to "relax" over the holidays! Funny how that sounds!

Well with all that said and done, I've just found out that I was nominated for an Influential Mom contest. I"m in the top 10 and in the running to win an iPad!

Please vote for me, here is the link: Voting is open until 11/17!

http://www.bigtent.com/promo/blueshieldca

Uncle Gary Get's Hitched

2010-10-31T12:02:00.001-07:00

My "little brother" got married on October 16th!
I was the "Best Woman" for the wedding and Kaitlyn was the flower girl!

Here are a few pictures from the big day:

The morning of the wedding, Gary (as a former professional runner) had "The First Non-Annual Pre Wedding Day 5 K" It was too much fun!
As the Official "Best Woman" giving my speach to the happy couple!

Uncle Gary and Kaitlyn, wearing her run T-shirt!

Mom and kids after the ceremony

The McCarthy's!!

Kaitlyn as the flower girl checking in with mom

Kaitlyn getting her hair done before the ceremony

Kaitlyn's 5th birthday

2010-10-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say that Kaitlyn's party came off without a hitch, but no unfortunately, that wasn't to be the case.

I stupidly put the lighter in my pocket as I was carrying out the cake to Kaitlyn during her Happy Birthday song, and promptly the cake slid right off the tray and crashed on the ground. It was horrible, probably didn't help that I was tearing up anyways as I was singing, feeling very emotional for my girls 5th birthday - even more than in the past few years. I don't know why, maybe 5 is a anniversary type number or something...I was really missing Corinne and all that - I wish Corinne had lived one more day so that the 4th wasn't both the girls birthday and Corinne's day of passing.

Later I was able to laugh about the cake, but still was emotionally about the whole birthday thing. I think some attendees thought I was overly upset about the cake sliding...I was bummed, but mainly because I had Corinne's name on the corner of the cake, and I wanted to say something about both of them after the song was sung...I think that's what I was sad over.. I hope that someday birthdays will be easier and less emotional for me. That day wasn't a good day...October 4th...sigh.

Well, here is the cake slide on video! You don't see it in the video, but afterwards I promptly went in the house and sobbed.

Well, life has been an extra whirlwind lately, I've gone on 4 trips (1 more to come): My cousin married in Michigan (my home state), I attended a WCR real estate conference in Anaheim (I left on the day of Kaitlyn's birthday party), My brother got married in Camarillo, CA, I was invited to attend a Parent Preemie Summit in Atlanta, and I leave next Tuesday for another real estate conference - in New Orleans (my last official trip as President of Marin Women Council of Realtors). Phew. I've also been very busy with work, Kaitlyn has been sick for 3 weeks straight, she got better, then both she and her brother just got sick again in time for Halloween. Wow, it's been crazy!

Happy Halloween to everyone!

5 years old..

2010-09-29T20:29:00.001-07:00

Wow, Kaitlyn will be 5 years old next week. How can that be?

Last night I watched the video I made 2 years ago for Kaitlyn and Corinne for the March of Dimes. I don't watch it often, or look at Kaitlyn's baby pictures as often I as I used to, but this time I watched it, although I teared up, I was able to look at Kaitlyn then and compare her to all of her wonderfulness now. In a way it was hard for me to believe that she was actually that small, that tiny, that sick....

March of Dimes San Francisco Ambassador Family 2009 from lizmccarthy on Vimeo.

Later that night, as I lay in bed next to Kaitlyn I was filled with joy as I thought of all the wonderful things my daughter has accomplished so far in her short life and how incredible proud I was of her and how much I wanted to wake her up and tell her that I was honored to be her mother.

Then it hit me, I missed Corinne. I had so recently in the evening saw pictures of my Corinne and my heart and arms were empty for my one daughter while at the same time feeling such joy at my other daughter. I gasped out in horrible sorrow, wanting more. Wanting to have had a normal twin experience. Wanting both my full term healthy twins to be with me in bed...Will this raw emotion feeling ever go away....

October 4th. Kaitlyn is soooo excited about her birthday party this Saturday. She counts down the days every morning when we wake up. She is just the joy of my life.

For this years birthday cake I asked them to write Corinne's name in the corner of the cake along with Kaitlyn's big name. I need her to be honored on the day that she was born and that she passed away.

So many moms think of joy and the memories of the birth of their first child on their birthdays...October 4th is still a day that isn't joyous for me

Sushi

2010-09-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that Kaitlyn was 100% tube fed not that long ago. This video is for all of my micro and other mom friends whose children are fed via feeding tube. There is HOPE. I was totally hopeless not that long ago. Kaitlyn eats now like a regular kid (and then some). Watch her devour Sushi! (Wish I filmed the whole dinner as she was eating like she had never been fed before). I think she's going through a major growth spurt!

Dreams

2010-09-08T21:47:00.001-07:00

The other morning Kaitlyn told me that she dreamt about: "scuba divers, hospitals and chickens." Just wanted to remember that one for the memory book!

I always ask her about her dreams and she can come up with the most amazing, things. Most of the time I think she has no idea what was in her dreams and just comes up with something imaginative. I just loved thinking about what a crazy dream scuba divers, hospitals and chickens. My daughter certainly has a wonderful imagination!

Today was Kaitlyn's first day of Preschool (for the 3rd time). The class that she is in now is a different class (for 4 year olds, even though Kaitlyn is turning 5 in a month). She was a bit nervous in the bigger class, but settled right in when she saw all of her friends. She really is one amazing tough little girl that isn't afraid of much.

Her special ed class started last week, and she is doing that 2 days a week, and preschool 4 days a week (Thursday's overlap and are going to be a bit long for her, we'll see how she does).

Kaitlyn is getting very excited this year for her birthday, but (lucky for mom) doesn't care much about what her party is all about, just that it has birthday cake, candle (with a number 5 on it), balloons and a bounce house! (no princess themed parties for my little one!).

I was thinking yesterday of this time back in 2005. As my water broke on July 26th 2005 (how I'll never forget that life changing date) and I was still on bed rest now in September...months later...wow crazy to think about.

I found today a book where I noted what Kaitlyn weighed every day (I know that sounds neurotic, but I was looking at the overall average) when she was still tube fed. I discovered today that at age 2 Kaitlyn weighed 23 pounds and Quinn only weighs 21 pounds! I knew he was a little guy. He is such a picky eater. Trying to find foods that he likes while at the same time trying to not "bend" to make him more of a picky eater as he REALLY does need to gain some weight. Quinn hates pasta and bread! What kid hates mac and cheese?

I guess I look at my brother and I. We were skinny. Really skinny. I wore size 0 for many years as a teenager. I remember my mom making me drink protein shakes to try to gain weight. My brother is still really skinny (being a world class Marathon runner and all - he was 7th in the US a few years ago for the Olympic Trials). So all in all, I'm going to have skinny kids. Not a bad thing right? I'm trying not to stress over it and just try to feed them healthy food (wish I was a bit better at that due to lack of time), at least they both like broccoli and carrots!

We went to the beach on Labor Day in West Marin. It was sooo beautiful and the weather was perfect. It was nice to take time off with the family. The beach is about 45 minutes from our house out windy roads. We went to a beach called Drakes Beach, which is where Sir Francis Drake landed many years ago. Lots of history there. Kaitlyn (my daughter who has very few fears) was terrified of the waves. She hates the sound of it and it terrifies her (even though ironically she sleeps to a sound machine with ocean sounds). Such a clear example of her Sensory Issues. She can fall down and be bleeding and you'll hardly hear a peep out of her, but she won't venture anywhere near the waves without having a severe breakdown of anxiety.

I stupidly didn't take a single picture, we were having too much fun! But here are a few other recent pictures:

Quinn at the pool this weekend

Kaitlyn after she saw her friends and wasn't nervous any more
Kaitlyn a little nervous after first arriving (playing with fireman toys!)
Before school
Before School...Look how big I'm getting! (Kaitlyn tells me every day that she's bigger! I really think she's going through a growth spurt as she's eating a LOT and even when I look at her she seems taller to me.)

Happy Birthday to Liz

2010-08-26T20:46:00.001-07:00

I truly think the best thing about birthdays now is watching it through my kids eyes! I can't believe I've just turned 44, doesn't seem possible, I don't have time to feel 44 chasing after 2 young children!

Here is Kaitlyn singing me happy birthday. Her voice continues to get louder, but still is clearly quiet due to her left paralyzed vocal cord. This just brings joy to my heart and makes birthdays all that more special!

Here are some other recent pictures:

We just returned from a wonderful 5 day camping trip in the Sierras at Gold Lake. You have to 4wheel drive into this lake, but it was the first time I felt I was at a serene, private, back-packing like lake since I had children. It was soo amazingly beautiful. But camping with 2 young children isn't the easiest thing to do, but it was 100% worth it! Thanks for "dragging" me out kicking and screaming about taking care of 2 kids with no running water or bathrooms, Brian - I loved every minute of it and would do it again in a heartbeat! :)

The kids at a recent local air show. I knew they would be so excited, because every time a plane flies overhead they both go crazy!

Kaitlyn flying the CHP plane!

And trying out a Navy helmet.

Quinn REALLY loving to imitate his dad mowing the lawn! Too cute!

Quinn's 2nd haircut! He did great and got a "big-boy" haircut, which was sort of sad for mom.

Quinn eating lunch in the back of my car, LOVING having a tail-gate camping, great for diaper changes too!

Mom and Quinn out on a little stroll in the Sierras!

Mom, Kaitlyn and Quinn at our private lake-side camp site. (Kaitlyn has blue face paint on her nose)

So beautiful and peaceful!

At our friends campsite next campsite where we did all the cooking and hanging out at night.

so beautiful! I haven't been at a private, serene lake like this since I've had children (lots of memories of Brian and I back-packing trips)

The McCarthy's camping A bit too cold for me (and for the kids, as they went 5 days without a bath, I at least did jump in)

Dad and Kaitlyn!

Kaitlyn and Jordyn in the "buggy". Brian and I took his friend's Sean's Buggy to go way up 4wheeling, a nice little break from the kids. My heart was racing the whole time!
Don't think I have the "nerves" for 4-wheeling some of the terrain we went on!

My Land-cruiser (thankfully made it to the campsite) parked near the 4-wheel buggy.

How lame am I?

2010-08-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

OK, does this make me lame or just a mom?

Kaitlyn is going to camp this summer and I can't tell you how many time's I've just watched in sweet awe as I dropped her off at camp feeling how lucky I am to live within walking distance to this wonderful camp and community and how lucky I felt to be a mom.

On Friday they had an all camp Talent Show. Each of the age groups did a little number. I was able to go and watch (yeah, a break from work) and as soon as I sat down in the back of the room, I started tearing up. Then I really broke down and the poor mom next to me asked if I was ok.

The emotions sometimes of everything are right there under the surface. I'm always so surprised by it. This time I just felt joyous for being a mom and for being able to experience this. I was brought back to wanting a child so badly after years of trying and not having any luck (for what ever reason). Then of course the emotion was for how elated I was that Kaitlyn was here, experiencing this camp and how much love I felt for her.

And then lastly, it was sadness, for feeling the loss that her sister should be here experiencing it at the same time.

I literally almost cried through the whole "bumble bee" song (Kaitlyn is in the Bumble bee camp for 4 year olds) and as they acted out being lions from the Lion King. It was soo cute!

Anyway, maybe I am lame, but I think I'm just a mom and so eternally grateful to be a mom that has been able to experience so much through the miracle of my little wonderful amazing daughter (and son!).

summer 2010 - Pictures

2010-08-10T21:35:00.001-07:00

Loads and loads of pictures!

Neighborhood Camping trip in June wow that's a lot of small kids!

Kaitlyn on camping trip

Kaitlyn drawing up a storm

Dad and Kaitlyn eating ice cream on the "Shore" in Ocean City NJ.

Liz, Quinn and Kaitlyn at wedding Rehearsal Dinner.

Liz and Kaitlyn at ceremony (you'll see that in almost any picture Kaitlyn is ALWAYS holding something)

Liz, Brian, Quinn and Kaitlyn (in a rare all family members present and looking at the camera picture)

Quinn on the Shore (amazing picture)

Cousin Charlotte (flower girl) and Kaitlyn at wedding

Kaitlyn and Quinn on the shore

Cousins DJ, Charlotte and Kaitlyn

Last weekend, all of our kids eating! Normally a picture of kids eating, no big deal! But the moms (not shown in picture) met because of our kids feeding tubes!) (well, 3 of our kids in picture). We got together for a sleep over and had a blast!

Kaitlyn throwing down tacos (she ate the entire one she's holding the other one on the plate and another 1/2!) No kidding! I was so amazed I had to take pictures, others thought I was crazy for being so amazed my child was eating. This was at our neighbors "tack truck" birthday party.

Kaitlyn in one of her "moods" at our neighborhood community party in the park

Quinn in LA last weekend playing at the park.

Kaitlyn and Quinn playing in the park in LA