Microfamous

Putting friendships to the test...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:27:00 +0000

I always feel like I have to check in with friends from time to time to make sure they still love me. I have tests...sort of like the GMAT, except really annoying and not that hard. Like the "will you drink my spit" test from If Lucy Fell, I like to see how far the limits of a friendship will go.

I can't count how many times I've asked certain close friends, "would you still be my friend if I?" questions. Like "would you still be my friend if I TALKED LIKE THIS?" (imagine cartoony high-pitched voice...or a thick Minnesota accent). Or "would you still be my friend if I weighed 400 lbs.?" (and the ensuing Part B, "would we still go to restaurants together?"). Variations follow, such as "What if I [insert really annoying habit here]?" and "Would you tell me if...?" ("would you tell me if my hair looked like 1999?" and "would you tell me if I was as self absorbed as [THIS PERSON]?").

I know I do it because I'm insecure, because I have trust issues, because I need the occasionally declaration of "this is why I love you." And if I think about it too much, I'm not even sure I'd want to be friends with me.

Lucy: Would you drink my spit?
Joe: Can you take your weird survey somewhere else?
Lucy: Answer.
Joe: I´ll answer your question...but this is the last time I´ll talk about it.
Lucy: The last time.
Joe: You swear?
Lucy: Mother Theresa and the missionaries drink the lepers spit. I wondered if you´d drink mine.
Joe: I wouldn´t be interested.
Lucy: Really? You don´t love me enough?
Joe: Of course I love you. I just don´t want to drink your spit.

Still here at year's end...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:28:00 +0000

I haven't been far from here, the cruise control has been on and I've had a lot of little moments. I've had the words but not the time to share, so before the year runs out, let me leave you with:

we don't want these days to ever end,
to ever end,
to ever end,
to ever end.

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

Waiting for winter...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 20:19:00 +0000

We get a few cold days in Austin here and there, just teasers really, when we oh-so-hopefully drag out our boots and sweaters, throw an extra blanket on the bed, and wonder if we should go ahead and buy firewood. Rationally, we know that it's going to be 85 and humid tomorrow afternoon, that it will probably be warm on Thanksgiving, that the weather is going to be schizophrenic until at least January (and then we'll have two months of cold weather and it might even snow).

snow weather by kellylovej

In Texas, I've learned to wait it out. I put the holiday lights on my fireplace mantel on Saturday. I had the air conditioning on because the high on Saturday was 90 degrees. I persist, and affix a red bow to the outside door.

I have an active imagination. I squint and see leaves turning gold and brown with the season (and not dying trees because we're in a 10-month drought).

I buy sweaters online from the comfort of my chilly, air-conditioned office. And scarves. Because there will be at least two days this year that I can wear both. I briefly considered these boots...for the one day of snow we might get.

I surf Flickr for images of covered bridges, autumn in New England (I was born in Massachusetts, spent time in Newport and rural New Jersey before moving down South).

I dream of wintery, blustery nights in front of my fireplace, wrapped in a cashmere throw (the heart wants what the heart wants). This wallpaper could give me winter wonderful all year.

I love my winter clothes so much more than the others for their forgiveness, for their layered cozy comfort, for the 10 lbs. of Thanksgiving overeating they're going to hide. I have three perfectly good (and lovely) winter coats, but I think I need this one. I'll wear things in layers in the wintertime that I'd never wear alone, like this dress. The only hat I wear in the summer is an ugly wide-brimmed thing I wear to walk the dog. In the winter, I wear hats and feel very stylish (and they also cover up "day two" unwashed hair).

One or two more humid days of 80-something degrees before the next cold front comes in. Today I am wearing a cable-knit sweater in my air-conditioned office, drove here in my air-conditioned car, and will sleep tonight under an extra blanket in my air-conditioned house, dreaming of winter winds, warming my hands around a pumpkin latte, knocking the snow off of my boots on the front porch and warming my feet by the fire. Brrrr.

We call it "veggie casserole..."

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:44:00 +0000

...but there's nothing healthy about it. About 10 years ago (maybe more...) I started making "veggie casserole" for Thanksgiving. It was a hit and became my annual contribution, along with sweet potatoes and spinach dip in a bread bowl. Since I've already missed one Thanksgiving with family and will miss the second with them this week, I've gotten requests for my casserole recipe from my nieces, Lauren and Keri. I originally made it from a recipe I found in the Charleston Unitarian Church cookbook and it was called "company casserole." It morphed into "that vegetable stuff with crackers on top" to "Ritz cracker casserole" to simply "veggie casserole." And I can't remember ever having more than a spoonful left over.

In case you're looking for another yummy side dish that you can make last minute, here is the recipe verbatim as I sent it via email to my nieces:

(you can double this recipe - I usually did so I could make a big one)

1 can french style green beans, drained
1 can shoe peg corn, drained
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 cup sliced mushrooms
salt & pepper
1 sleeve Ritz crackers, crushed
1 stick butter, melted

Mix all ingredients except crackers, a little bit of the grated cheese, and butter. Pour into casserole dish. Top with crushed crackers, the rest of the grated cheese, and melted butter. Bake 45 minutes at 350 degrees.

I always chopped the celery and onion pretty fine so there weren't any big pieces. And when I doubled the recipe (which means 2 of everything on the list), I still only used ONE stick of butter on top because the butter is really just so the crackers would brown. The year I used 2 sticks of butter the casserole was really soggy and kind of not good. You can also leave out the sliced mushrooms if you don't like them and sub cream of celery soup for cream of mushroom, but I think most people liked the mushrooms. Don't used canned mushrooms - you can buy the fresh already sliced if you want, but the canned mushrooms taste like crap.

I love you, I miss you, I wish I could be there with you. My heart will be.

Making my outside match my inside...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:21:00 +0000

...is what I did for my birthday this year. And I love the results. I had a wonderful birthday weekend: four hours sitting for my new tattoo, sleeping late, shopping, my new Kindle arrived, having brunch, shopping, afternoon Family Guy marathon that went on into evening, pizza delivery (I haven't eaten pizza in almost six months), being lazy, doing a little holiday decorating. My new tattoo is my new favorite thing.

The art was done by Nate at A Million Tattoos based on a loose description (vintage lace...1920s) and some photos. I love it; it's feminine and girly, but it's still a tattoo (and it goes ALL the way around my arm, so just imagine how it felt underneath...Nate said I "sat like a champ" - which means I'm a tough girly-girl). It took almost four hours and the pain was totally worth it.

I'd need a lot more time and several thousand words to explain what it means to me. Suffice it to say that I've overcome (so many) obstacles in the past couple of years. I've lost and found and lost myself again. I don't know very many things about the me that I am, but one thing I do know is that she is not ordinary. Life is short. It should also be extraordinary. It's such a relief to discover that the me I've been trying to find is one I like so very much.

I no longer care about the destination...the journey is what takes my breath away.

I run to the mailbox every single day...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 21:41:00 +0000

I'm awaiting the arrival of a sterling silver necklace I ordered as an early birthday present for myself. I found it through Fab.com (daily email bargains!) and fell in love.

I can't wait to wear it.

Money can't buy happy...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 01:05:00 +0000

But it can bring on a smile or two. I went to the Austin Craft Riot Holiday Show last Sunday (teeming with crafty Austin Etsy artists) and got this sweet new collar for Lulu from LizzieBeesThings:

I own a television and sometimes I watch it...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:36:00 +0000

My friend Lisa finally convinced me to give (the return of) Beavis and Butthead a go (I loved it way back whenever, but I'm a grownup now). I'm glad she did because I laughed more during the first episode than I have in the past week. It's the same - same creepy high school dweebs, same t-shirts, same couch, same except now they're making fun of Jersey Shore (seriously) and vampire movies.

"This is like a family tree if your family was made of whores," (Butthead while watching Jersey Shore).

"I will fight for you until your heart stops beating…can I have some of your popcorn?” (Butthead to a chick in the movie theater).

Rolling Stone has a rundown. Since I'm one of those people who miss MTV when it actually played videos and I believe that The Real World peaked in Seattle, the new Beavis and Butthead isn't going to make me watch MTV again. But I'll probably catch up On Demand when I'm in the mood. Also, I can make myself laugh right now just by saying "you were moved."

Why I love the internets...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:58:00 +0000

(I accidentally typed "live" instead of "love" and almost left it that way...I am face-in-computer 99% at work and about 50% at home, if my iPhone counts as internets.)

I'm laptop-bound, smart phone saddled and soon, cuddling a Kindle (the version I pre-ordered doesn't come out until Nov. 21). I've caught myself (maybe twice) wanting to point my phone* at the stocked shelves in a grocery store so it could find the particular brand and product (shampoo, whole wheat couscous, balsamic vinegar) for which I was searching. Ten years ago if you'd asked how much time I thought I'd spend online, I would have thrown the word "luddite" at you. Today I'm wondering just how long before I can download my dreams port-to-port.

[insert segue here] I love llamas. The llama is my spirit animal. One of my dearest friends got married in Asheville on a farm with llamas. I attended her wedding with two other dear friends. These things are not related, except that one of my favorite pictures of that day is me + llama. And because one of my favorite time-sucks online is Pinterest, I love knowing that I am not the only one who loves llamas.

Speaking of weddings in Asheville, my super smart and savvy friend Aleigh shares her organic beauty love and insight with the world at Indigo + Canary. It completely makes sense that what you put on your body goes into your body, but I never really understood how it can negatively affect my health. I now use chemical-free shampoo, makeup and skin care (and she's hunting down some great at-home hair color that passes the organic test for an upcoming post).

I've been mulling over my next tattoo for almost two years now. I keep returning to this one (quote by Kurt Vonnegut). I shared it with my BFF from college who still lives in Charleston and now she's mulling it over too.

We're finally getting cooler weather in Austin - it dropped 30-something degrees quickly last night and was in the high 40s early this morning. I celebrated by buying this gorgeous weekend sweater online from The Gap and can't wait for it to arrive.

I picked up my new glasses earlier this week and love them. While they don't exactly make me look like Zooey Deschanel, they are slightly adorkable.

Also, fall makes me happy, I love my job and I feel healthier after just under a week of packing my lunch for work. The weekend's almost here. I'm wearing my favorite boots today. My dog has two Halloween costumes. A library book I've been waiting for (Laurie Notaro's latest) has finally arrived. All is right in the world.

*If you take this idea and make an app for it, consider this my copyright claim and trademark. Please get my name right when you send the check.

The return of Mr. Bento...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 15:19:00 +0000

I fell in love with Mr. Bento in 2007. I had unhealthy lunch habits and he inspired me to make healthier (and more attractive) decisions. I used Mr. Bento frequently and even joined Flickr groups for Bento lovers. After I left my job as managing editor for a magazine to work in politics (lunch was usually carrot salad and grilled chicken from the Chic-fil-A next to the campaign office, if I had time to eat) and later, worked from home, I got out of my Bento habit.

Tuscan white bean & tuna with cottage cheese, fruit, mixed greens.

Now that I have a regular schedule again (and have had one for almost four months), it was time to break out the Bento from storage (the cabinet above the fridge where no-one ever looks) and stop eating lunch like a 12-year-old. Yes, Lunchables are an affordable and easy way to control calorie intake, but turkey + cheese + crackers - any green vegetables EVER = an ass that doesn't fit into my skinny jeans. I have also gotten into the habit of shopping for produce at farmer's markets on the weekends and saving all of that healthy stuff for home eating just wasn't practical.

Spicy noodles, yogurt and fruit, granola, avocado.

So I'm cooking again. I made a Tuscan white bean tuna salad last weekend (and even soaked the beans overnight and cooked them myself). I made spicy whole wheat noodles yesterday. I have a list of Bento-friendly recipes to try. My goal is to Bento my lunch every day between now and the end of the year. Two days in, I already feel healthier. My ass expects to wear my skinny jeans around the end of next week. And I have lovely, lovely lunches that I'm not embarrassed to break out in front of coworkers. Proud of me!

Have you come to sing pumpkin carols?

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 16:09:00 +0000

Linus: "Tonight the Great Pumpkin will rise out of the pumpkin patch. He flies through the air and brings toys to all the children of the world."

Sally: "That's a good story."

I will dress my dog in her bee costume, hand out the cute little boxes of temporary tattoos (CVS!) for the kidlets, watch a marathon of American Horror Story on FX and wait for the Great Pumpkin to arrive.

Happy Halloween!

I'll take "things that need updating" for $500...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:23:00 +0000

New health insurance that includes vision coverage = new glasses (to make me feel better about the fact that my vision changed for the first time in six years and I have to get new lenses and I'm probably like a month away from needing reading glasses which makes me feel like young me is trapped in a me that is aging and that makes me feel anxious). So I'm getting these cool-ass frames.

Super cute and I can't wait until they're done (and not just because I have daily eye strain). Blink blink.

So hearing is the next thing to go?

If you are at first lonely...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:01:00 +0000

I first posted this sometime in 2010, but I love it so much I thought I'd share it again. It made me feel okay about being okay with being alone. (say that three times fast.)

"If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it."

Video by the extremely talented filmmaker Andrea Dorfman and poet/singer/songwriter Tanya Davis.

"Alone" doesn't always mean "lonely." And when it does, "lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it."

Today I share two favorite things...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 18:25:00 +0000

Remember that post from August where I mentioned being happy on Dec. 31, 2010 (and then had a happiness dry spell until July)? It's okay if you don't. You can read it here. Or not.

I really just wanted to share what I look forward to every single day: Being in my bedroom, an hour or so before sleep, snuggled in my super comfy bed with my other favorite (not sure if she qualifies as "thing"), the Prettiest Puppy in the World, a.k.a. Sweet Girl, a.k.a. Lulu Tiny Dancer. She knows my routine at night (outside in yard one last time, inside to fill my nightstand water pitcher, turn off living room and dining room lights, plug in my iPod to sync podcasts, grab a "night-night" bone) and runs upstairs about 5 minutes before I do.

This is what that looks like. This is where I keep my (paper) notebook. This is where I've had some of my best ideas. This is what gives me peace no matter what's going on in my life. The thread count matters. I have special Texas Lavender linen spray that I get at the Farmer's Market. At least once a day, it's the most soothing place in the world. And right now I'm happy just thinking about it.

Happy now.

Now.

Today I believe in happiness...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 16:50:00 +0000

After a marvelous weekend that began with a Saturday morning trip to another farmer's market (there are many in Austin) as I kept my eye on the cloudy skies, hoping the weather wasn't being a tease again.

It wasn't. I spent the rest of the weekend enjoying the sound of rain outside, reading some new pages of a friend's book in progress, catching up on more "Doctor Who" (the first David Tennant season), napping and being a bit lazy. I steamed lovely tamales from the Farmer's Market for dinner (chicken mole and spinach/caramelized onion).

I happily spent Saturday evening watching television and drowsing off to the sound of rain on the roof. Sunday morning felt like Christmas morning, waking up before dawn to thunder, lightning and more (!) rain. For those of you outside of Texas, I am not usually obsessed with rain. I am currently obsessed with rain because we haven't had any significant rainfall in Austin since MARCH. March, people, and if you've never seen what a drought looks like I'll sum it up: depressing as shit. Brown lawns, brown leaves, brown trees, yards turned to dust and dirt, highways lined with brown grass. Oh, and there's the fires that happen spontaneously because everything turned to kindling over the dry summer.

On this wonderful Sunday morning there were puddles everywhere and it was raining so hard the puppy wouldn't go outside (but the front porch was just fiiine...). I trekked to Starbuck (happily in the rain), got my usual gigantic (trenta) iced coffee and settled in to work on some copy and line editing. The rain let up long enough for me to walk the dog and it was wonderfully cool and breezy. I wore a hoodie.

My point...if you're expecting me to lead you to one...I had several in-the-moment-I'm-happy-right-now pauses throughout the weekend. Just for the little things. Like tamales. And rain. And my dog's third birthday (my sweet Lulu went from this to this in such a short time!). I'm happy right now.

And now.

Now.

Today I enjoy the view...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 19:44:00 +0000

Inspired by creative and talented writer friends Angie Mizzell and Janet Lee - because their work and words have given me reason to hitch up my creative britches and get to writing more than they know - I'm sharing my own writing space(s).

My "home office" (and the desktop where my iTunes library still lives):

Even though I do most of my writing on my laptop - and occasionally handwriting in a notebook - so I'm often here:

Or on my back deck, here:

It's the words, the inspiration, the motivation that comes from knowing someone else is struggling to make those words matter, just like you are (or should be). Once those words are out there, we tend to forget how they came together. I want to remember and live for right now, not upon publication, not when the check comes, not later, now. I want to enjoy the view.

Today I tick many things off of my to-do list...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 17:57:00 +0000

There's something about peace of mind and a stress-free day job that makes me oh-so productive. I think I've fed my blog monster more in the past week than I have in the past year. Just this week:

I researched and wrote a blog post (not one of my own).

I paid my car taxes online (and remembered that inspection is due this month, sort of amazing for me since I don't pay attention to the stickers on my own windshield and never had to get my car inspected when I lived in Charleston).

I went grocery shopping and actually bought enough food to last a week.

Laundry: Not just bed linens, but clothing and towels as well.

Filled out paperwork for health insurance prior to benefits meeting this week.

Located my social security card (see last item).

Made dinner for myself and roommate last night, as she was on her second double-shift work day of the week. Meatless Tuesday: Couscous with chickpeas, onion, garlic and toasted pine nuts.

Scheduled hair appointment in hopes that weather will cooperate and I may begin wearing my hair down.

I could store all of these tasks in my iPhone (surely there's an app for that), but I still prefer the old-school method of list-making: Post-it notes and various scraps of lists collected in a small Moleskine notebook with accordion pocket that I keep in my shoulder bag and update daily. There's something really satisfying about crossing items from the list (or moving them to next week) with pen to paper that doesn't really translate to high-tech. There's always the possibility that I'll change my tune and tout the advantages of the next amazing "to-do list app" by the end of the year. I do love my apps.

I'm also learning how much is too much. I had the best of intentions to attend the Austin Social Media Club meetup (on crowdsourcing) yesterday evening, I went home and watched Glee instead. I had a long discussion with myself and the final decision was that I'd really rather be home watching actors pretending to be high schoolers sing and dance. I don't call it lazy, I call it Kelly time.

Are you more productive at a certain time of year? Do you have iPhone apps I should know about? Do you still hand-write your to-do lists?

Today I am happy because...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:26:00 +0000

Despite having lowered the bar quite a bit when it comes to the heat of summer (Austin Summer 2011 = 76 consecutive days of 100+ degree temperatures and makes summer in Charleston seem like a breeze), I am happy that the highs are just 95 or 96 now and the lows at night are dipping into the 60s. I get stupid happy when the sun goes down, just thinking that fall is around the corner (two months or more around, but around all the same).

After being in Austin for nearly two years, I finally visited a local farmer's market (something I used to do regularly in Charleston because I lived within bicycle-riding distance of Marion Square). I went with my friend Lisa on Saturday and it was wonderful. Besides fresh arugula, onions, artisan fig balsamic vinegar, rustic bread and lavender, I also bought lovely ginger lemongrass soy candles and handmade "dope" soap that smells a but like pot and patchouli.

Also on Saturday? Almost 30 minutes of rain. Enough to stand in it and get wet. It's been eight months since any significant rainfall in Central Texas. I'd forgotten how magical rain can be and how great it smells when it rains, what thunder sounds like, and what it feels like to be rained upon. Adored every minute.

I hate labels and the tendency to refer to myself in the third person, but having a name for what I thought was something I'd have to live with and accept forever is a blessing. I get to choose whether or not I do something about it or keep it. Sometimes having the power is just enough and sitting on the sidelines instead of participating is a choice, not a punishment.

I woke up this morning, got out of bed, and went to work at my day job. I thought I'd add this to the list because I have had some days over the past several months for which "got out of bed" was the first and only item on my gratitude list. Happy to add more to that sentence.

I don't have to apologize for anything today. I am happy that fall television has begun and am not ashamed that I plan to spend most of the week watching new shows just for fun. I am also in the middle of a book ( The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta) and an entire season of "Doctor Who" that I borrowed from a friend (the Christopher Eccleston, or 9th doctor, season). I didn't watch the roast of Charlie Sheen. I didn't watch Ashton Kutcher on "Two and a Half Men." I've never liked the show and I'm not sorry.

What are you happy about or not sorry for? I know there's something. Share!

Today I get to be...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 18:31:00 +0000

Another smart woman with diabetes.

My so-savvy friend Amy wrote the book on it: A Smart Woman's Guide to Diabetes: Authentic Advice on Everything from Eating to Dating and Motherhood and let me give some "As" for her "Qs" in this article on her web site.

Amy is a freelance writer and writes about lots of things for lots of places. I'm honored that she included me in her book and on her book web site. She's one of the people I relied upon for advice way back when I was diagnosed.

Today I shall share things with which I am obsessed...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:20:00 +0000

I was reading some old blog posts this week (yes, I do that, like anyone would look back through a journal or diary) and wondering (yet again) what happened to my inspiration, my funny, my neurosis, f-words and emotional clutter. My latest theory is that I still have it all, I've just been keeping it to myself. So now I will share.

Rookie. I am a grown woman and I love this site because it makes me feel nostalgic for my younger self who loved Sassy magazine and "My So-Called Life" and pink Hello Kitty notebooks. It was founded by a 15-year-old style blogger. Swap out your plain shoelaces for ribbon or yarn.

A Beautiful Mess. The first time I've wanted to introduce a blog site to another blog site because I think they should know one another. Sabrina, meet Elsiecake. Elsiecake, Sabrina. You both inspire me to be more creative.

The Johnny Cash Project. A fine tribute to the man in black.

Doctor Who. Go ahead and laugh at the woman who said "I'm just not into sci-fi." I've laughed (because others were laughing, not because I got the joke) at "Trust me, I'm a doctor" out of the mouths of many friends in the past 15 years. Caught a few episodes from 2010 on BBC On Demand and now I'm hooked. And too old to care if you think I'm a nerd.

Pinterest. Sucked into the k-hole of pinning and re-pinning, liking and loving my Pinterest boards. They're like mood boards, but online and you can see your friends' boards. Join me?

As Simple as That. It's been a long time since I read a stranger's blog and wanted to smack myself for crushing my own creativity. Hannah Katy made me do that. Especially this post.

Other than that, I'm obsessed with getting from the south side to the north side of the city today without losing my sanity (an attendance record-breaking Austin City Limits Fest starts today and bad traffic has turned to primary highway parking lot). I'm obsessed with doing nothing this weekend except laundry. I have brain drain. I have allergies. I miss my dog when I'm at work. I finished A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan and it made me cry in three places and feel gut-wrenchingly nostalgic throughout. Still wondering what the female version of Peter Pan is because I don't know what to call my delayed adolescence (although my delayed adolescent "doesn't like labels") and I'm starting to feel like a babysitter for myself.

And if you could do me a small favor? Use the word "indeed" on a regular basis. It's a wonderful word and I fear that it could disappear from our language altogether. Indeed.

Sometimes you have to go looking for it....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 20:48:00 +0000

There have been a few times in the past couple of years when I've tried to remember the last time I felt happy and couldn't do it. It makes me sad just to say that, to say that I had no memory of those moments when you stop and suddenly realize, "I am happy." I could say I was surviving, that I was getting by, that I was making it through the day, that I was productive, that I carried on, that I kept my chin up...but happy?

A few weeks ago I was talking to my BFF from back home and recalling going home for the holidays, how wonderful it felt to be with my family and friends, how great I slept in my mom's guest room, how loved I felt. And when I returned home, after a two-day drive, to my roommate packing up to stay the night at her daughter's house (it was New Year's Eve) and how I had to hold back shrieks of pure joy that I was going to have the house to myself and a quiet night and a shower and clean sheets and my cat and my dog curled up in my warm bed...and I realized it was JULY and the last time I could remember being happy was in fucking JANUARY (well, technically December 31). It made me sad, but before the pity could kick in, I took a giant step back and asked myself, "have you been looking?"

I hadn't. I'd been so consumed with surviving that I was failing to thrive. In pediatric medicine, this is something infants can die from: failure to thrive. It can also be applied to adults, mostly geriatric. I wondered when I became such a grown up that I forgot to look for the joy. One doesn't need freedom from worry to be happy - or money, or the perfect job, or any job, or confidence, or all of the other things on my crazy mental checklist that I waited for so I could finally thrive again.

Granted, in the past couple of months I have been able to cross a few things off that list. I have a roommate to take some of the pressure of the bills off and a new job that I really like, which means a regular paycheck every two weeks. But I was still holding back, still denying myself, still insisting on frugality, refusing to spend a penny on anything I deemed "unnecessary."

Last Saturday, I went to lunch with the roommate and a friend and we stopped at a big box store afterward so the roommate could return something. I found myself wandering the school supplies aisles with my friend, exclaiming over pencil cases and notebooks and gel pens. I had a wonderful sense memory smelling a box of crayons. I remembered that the best thing about the new school year when I was a kid was the new school supplies: a brand new notebook, pens, pencils, a binder (or if I was lucky, a Trapper Keeper, pink - and damn, do they make cooler ones now), paper and dividers and pencil cases. And the waxy smell of crayons.

Standing there, in the middle of rows and rows of Hello Kitty notebooks and pencil sharpeners and multi-packs of pens and wide-ruled filler paper, I realized this was me being happy. Feeling joy. Remembering the possibilities that came with a new school year. Thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead of me now. And I bought that box of crayons. Even if I never use them, I am going to keep them on my desk at home to remind me of what possibility really feels like. Possibility smells like a new box of crayons.

On the job hunt front....

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 17:11:00 +0000

I've been awfully lax about keeping this site updated, but I have a good excuse: I've been working for almost a month at a new day job! For those of you who know me well and who have been keeping up with my (often amusing) tales during my job search, you know how great this news is for me. And I am happy to report that I love the new job. I'm online content editor for a high-tech company here in Austin, I get to work with a great group of creative people (I hadn't realized how much I've missed working with designers and art directors and having magazines like HOW scattered about), I have a regular schedule and also get to have weekends like normal people.

It took a few weeks to settle into the routine, the putting on of makeup and clothes that don't have stretch waistbands, shoes that aren't flip-flops and doing something to my hair other than putting it up in a ponytail. I miss my dog while I'm at work, but she's thrilled to see me every day when I get home so it all evens out. I also do not love the sitting in traffic, but I love the job so that evens out too (plus it gives me lots of time to listen to my favorite podcasts; time passes quickly when you're catching up on episodes of "This American Life").

And (AND!) I have some great stories about the job search. I had been freelancing since Sept./Oct. of last year so I could take my time and look for the right job for me and went on lots of interviews in an eight-month time period. I was talking to a friend last weekend about Karma and arrogance and hubris and how I often felt like I was being punished for something (pride, lack of compassion, taking pride in my lack of compassion) when I was working my way up the ladder. I believe we can learn a lot from the Universe if we just pay attention and it didn't take me long to start paying attention. In fact, I felt like I had a couple of interviews with the person I used to be - and I didn't like her very much.

I've learned to be grateful. I've learned humility. I've learned how to let go of the past. Most importantly, I've learned that I'll never stop learning. I plan to spend more time here, more time writing, getting back to personal narrative (because my mind is usually itching to after spending a full workday editing high-tech web pages) and to let my job be a job, not my identity.

Speaking of letting a job be a job, I've promised my friend and fellow writer Angie Mizzell a guest post and I'm hoping she hasn't crossed me off of her list yet, as I have a post in mind about that very topic.

Love you, mean it.

Serendipity rules...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 12:38:00 +0000

Last week, I wrote about luck and getting what you need when you need it. No, I don't have any news on the job hunt front, but I have been looking for a roommate since my last one moved out in March without a lot of luck (unless you count the responses to my Craigslist posting from a "nudist" - and I'm totally OK with that lifestyle, but this dude was creepy with a capital "C," the 25-year-old Mormon college student who brought me some LDS pamphlets when we met, the 22-year-old sketchy "I might be going to college but I don't have a job and I want my boyfriend to stay over every weekend," and so on).

I had just about given up, but decided to post my ad for a roommate one more time. I got an email that night from a woman my age who wanted to talk immediately. We spoke on the phone and it turns out she's my age, a writer, Persian (from Iran) and has published six books in her country, and she came by the very next day to see my place. I've never met anyone from Iran, and I shamefully admit I don't know a lot about the history of the country (and tend to lump it in with other Middle Eastern countries). But we clicked, she's fascinating, thinks I am as well, was impressed that I have a copy of The Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyám, and she moved in yesterday. Her name is Fareshteh and I think it's going to be a great roommate situation. Besides expanding my own cultural horizons, she feels like it will benefit her to live with an American, especially an American writer. Her English is better than she'll admit, my Farsi is not at all, but we already communicate quite well. I've learned a lot about her country - one of the surprises is that I was under the mistaken assumption that women are not encouraged to be educated. Fareshteh has a Master's Degree in Urban Planning. Unfortunately, she has to do college all over again in the U.S., but she's also working on an English translation of one of her books, will be starting college next month, and my cat - who is also Persian - likes her better than me.

You get what you need when you need it - and then some. The Farsi word for "thank you" is (phonetically) "merci." Merci.

Luck and getting what you need when you need it...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:21:00 +0000

My niece Keri gave me this when I was still living in Charleston. It's for luck and prosperity, two things I need right now (the latter more than the former), and it hangs in my Austin home in the kitchen window.

It's the lucky charm I see while washing dishes or cooking and today it reminded me that we get what we need when we need it. I'm working hard balancing my time freelancing with my job search, hoping that the right job will come along, hoping that the Universe knows what it's doing, and hoping that I'm making the right decisions.

Everything leads to something and I know the time I've put into my job search, into my freelance work, into surviving on a daily basis, will lead me in the right direction. It brought me here, to Austin, for a reason. I started writing about luck this month because I caught myself wondering if I believed in all of these talismans I surround myself with, but realized they're just stand-ins for what everyone else calls faith. Reminders. Everyone has to believe in something, to have faith in something. I'm letting the Universe steer this ship. The lucky charms are just there to remind me to relinquish control. Every time I have, I've gotten exactly what I needed.

Luck and the meaning of life...

noreply@blogger.com (Kelly Love) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 19:22:00 +0000

Way back in 2003, my best friend Mary Kathryn gave me this scroll with a"true meaning of life" quote by H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama.

It says: "We are visitors on this planet. We are here for one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. if you contribute to other people's happiness, you will find the true meaning of life."

It currently hangs on the wall in my kitchen where I can see it every morning when I brew my coffee and every evening when I take my vitamins. I read it at least once a day, and it gives me perspective on how I spend my time.

I've experienced setbacks in the journey to find my own meaning and the right place for me. I've had great joy and inspiration, but also have had to deal with having tiny little bubbles of hope burst unexpectedly. And not only does it sting, but it also makes me question my own judgment. One of the ways I try NOT to deal with that is to be hard on myself, but like most people, I seek blame internally. I find myself asking what I did wrong, what I didn't do right, how could I have screwed up so badly, and worse: whats wrong with me. Spend enough time inside your head being so critical, and that voice just gets louder.

Separating yourself from that internal criticism, reaching out to someone else who needs a boost more than you do, contributing to the happiness of others, and putting the brakes on wondering what's wrong can give you a different outlook on what's right. I'm not always great at doing it, but having little reminders like this one helps. And having it because it was given to me by a dear friend who understands me well enough to know that I need that reminder? Priceless.