Midwestern Meditations eMagazine

MMeM, Vol 5 Issue 17 - U should have known!

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 13:36:00 +0000

...we have little Noah who is 6

Here we have the same small midwestertn town's gas station from MMeM Vol. 5 Issue 14. Wonderful! More well wishes for happy birthdays to local friends and family.

Let's see, we have little Noah who is 6 and Emily who doesn't have her age posted. Maybe she's an adult who doesn't like her age being advertised! The gas station must honor such sensitivities like that. Yep, good ole midwestern charm!

Do we dare check out the other side of the sign again? Surely this time they have just duplicated the birthdays on the opposite side...right?

Well, maybe not.

Josh, seriously, you should know better by now. At least this time they left a little to the imagination and didn't broadcast to all passer-bys that you have written bad checks like Jon.

Nah, I think everyone still knows.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 16

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:14:00 +0000

...road signs don't get updated very often...

Have you ever noticed how dated some of our nation's road signs are? I suppose there are a couple of reasons for this to be the case. First, it costs money to produce road signs, and as we all know, all of our governments are broke. The other reason that road signs don't get updated very often is probably due to the recognition factor.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to suddenly come out with a new sign for a crosswalk and not have people recognize it. But, this very practice is going to cause more problems. Some people aren't going to know what some of the symbols on signs even refer to anymore.

Take this example.

Now, if you were born before 1990 you know that this is a depiction of two children playing on a teeter-totter. The desired inference from this sign is to tell drivers that they are approaching a playground and should use caution. I defy you to find a playground today with a teeter-totter on it. Don't believe me? Here is the playground for which this sign is on display.

Nope, not one teeter-totter.

See, teeter-totters have long since been banned and deemed dangerous. I mean who could forget the great teeter-totter attacks of the 80's?

And check out the sign on the light pole just before the teeter-totter sign.

No, I'm not going to do the obligatory "SLOW" children playing joke here. That comes later...in another post. No, my question is what in the hell is this "children" wearing?

Are those "KNICKERS" I see? Have we driven into a time machine throwing us back into the great depression? Did the artist for this image use the runners from the Chariots of Fire movie as models?

While we're at it, let's update this construction sign too. I have never understood what this guy is holding. Is it a shovel with an invisible blade? Is that a hoe? Maybe a triangle on a stick for a spade? No, it's a curler...from the Olympics!

Maybe it's one of those trick drawings where I don't yet see what everyone else sees. You know those ones where you either see two faces looking at each other or a fancy vase instead? No? Just me?

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 15

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:53:00 +0000

...heard rumors or more likely urban legends...

You know, I've heard stories about today's topic. Apparently, there are people who actually put money INTO an ATM? Can you believe that? Who does this? Certainly, not me. And, it's not because I prefer to make deposits the old fashioned way (NOTE: Many jokes were passed on here), rather I don't have any extra income that is not already in the bank.

I use my local bank's ATM all the time. I am constantly making myself more poor by withdrawing what little funds I do have. Here is my main, "go-to" ATM...

Now, when referencing the fact that there are people who put money INTO an ATM, I don't mean the technician that fills the machine up with more money. Again, I've heard rumors, or more likely urban legends, that some people put money into ATMs in the form of deposits. Wait a second, I think I see the receptacle used for this purpose.

And, upon further inspection I think you will see that I'm not the only person using this ATM that doesn't put money into it.

Yep, that's right there's a spiderweb covering the deposit slot!

I knew that wasn't true...people putting money INTO and ATM, what a laugher!

MMeM Vol. 5 Issue 14

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:14:00 +0000

Well look at that, Elijah is turning 30!

Small towns in the Midwest are warm and friendly places. They are the kind of towns where everyone knows everyone else. Generally, people look out for each other and wish only the best for each other.

Even local businesses get in on the act of wishing others well. I remember the grain elevator near my house used to always put area children's names on their lighted sign announcing and wishing them a happy birthday.

Just the other day, I drove past this example of a local gas station that had 3 people's names listed wishing them all a happy birthday.

Well look at that, Elijah is turning 30! That's sweet. Of course, whenver I see these signs I always watch in my rear view mirror to see if they have duplicated the same message on the opposite side.

Let's see about this sign, is Elijah being wished a happy birthday to the southbound traffic as well?

Wait, um, ok that's not at all what I was expecting. That's a rather harsh message opposite a nice happy birthday message.

Sorry Jon. I guess it's NOT your birthday huh?

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 13 - Hospitality

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:59:00 +0000

...perhaps, such was NOT the case

Midwestern Meditations was born out of a desire to spotlight the special character and openness of the people of the Midwest. In short, it has widely been believed that people in the Midwest are more welcoming than other parts of the country. It's not that other parts of the U.S. are bad, but rather that you can always expect extra special hospitality in the Midwest.

When you look around the Midwest, you often see neighborhoods and homes with Welcome signs and cute displays of neighborly affection.

We're not sure, but perhaps such, was NOT the case with this recent discovery...

Dare me to ring their doorbell and run?

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 12

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 13:40:00 +0000

Yes, a picture is indeed worth a thousand words...

At first glance, one might think this is just a picture taken through the windshield of a car. But, there is SO much more going on here.

First, apparently I have spied the only Jamaican made automobile in the world.

Second, if you are going to add after market turn signals to your rear view mirrors...don't you think it wise to take a few seconds to make sure that you put the left-pointing arrow on the left side of the car and vice versa? And yes, in case you were wondering, verification was made that the right turn signal produces an arrow in the mirror that points the opposite way as well.

Third, the above pictured left hand turn and subsequently referenced right hand turn were observed en route to a Walmart parking lot. Seems timely given the recent surge in popularity of the viral site People of Walmart don't you think?

Lastly, the timing of this photo is one-in-a-million. In the rain, waiting to turn left, it only took 2 tries to get the signals flashing at just the right time.

Yes, a picture is indeed worth a thousand words, or at least several seconds of sarcastic mockery.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 11

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:23:00 +0000

Do you think that this

is the text version of this?

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 10

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 12:32:00 +0000

21 parking spaces.

21 signs.

Yeah, ok, but I have a question.

Where can I park a compact car?

And, I checked already.

No, this is not a Shriner's office park.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 9 - Bathroom Humor, part 3

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 22:20:00 +0000

...the world needs PUSH and PULL signs?

Hello again from Midwestern Meditations eMagazine with this entry into our continuing series, Bathroom Humor. That's right, it's the world's one and only series devoted to real bathroom humor. We're not dishing dirty humor or off-color humor as the phrase "bathroom humor" often denotes, rather we're providing original humor as observed in public restrooms.

Or, to put it another way, the only humor series which requires the author to actually carry a digital camera into public restrooms. Gee, now it's starting to sound AWKWARD. Anyway, it's original and only appearing here at Midwestern Meditations. Now, onto the latest entry...

Have you ever wondered why the world needs PUSH and PULL signs on doors? I mean seriously, are people moving so fast toward doors that they have to have advance notice about which way the oncoming door swings? And, if worse comes to worse, and you are unfortunate enough to encounter a door that isn't labeled PUSH or PULL and you actually guess wrong, with a 50/50 chance of being right, what is your next move? Hopefully, it is to perform the opposite of the action that just failed, i.e. pushing rather than pulling or vice versa.

It's like this example found in a local restroom.

First of all, someone got a package of commercial store stickers and just went cRaZy~ I mean, we've got the Handicapped sticker sign, the NO SMOKING sticker sign, and wait, could it be? Yes, it's a PULL sticker sign.

Obviously, the person putting up these signs never read MMeM Vol. 4 Issue 6 , where we highlighted the fact that Handicapped stalls always swing out, while other stalls swing in and just how stupid that is. So, they should have known that the PULL sign on a Handicapped stall door is inherently redundant. And again, if it hadn't been labeled and you tried to push, wouldn't you have figured it out anyway? (hope so)

Whatever. Surely, the inside of the stall door doesn't have a...

...oh, but of course it does, in case you forgot how you GOT IN THE STALL IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Unless that was a suggestion while you were in the stall?

No, we didn't just suggest that "joke"! That's the type of "Bathroom Humor" in which we just do not participate!

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 8 - well NO wonder...

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 23:27:00 +0000

...They are all right next to each other!

You know, I try to be a good citizen. I mean we're living in a society where people should treat others with respect or at least treat others as they would like to be treated, right? One of the very small things I try to do comes from experiences I had at one of my first jobs.

In the second job of my life, I was working as a maintenance worker for a grocery store. I really liked the job and what's more, I LOVED my paycheck for which I earned $3.54 an hour! That was twenty-two cents ABOVE minimum wage back then! (Oh god, I just morphed into my father!)

Anyway, one of my tasks in this job was to round up shopping carts from the parking lot. It really wasn't that bad except for the unbearable midwest humidity in 90+ August summer days. But, we entertained ourselves by seeing how many carts we could push in one giant line. I still feel sorry for that one customer whose car we T-boned as she was pulling out of the isle. But anyway, back to my good citizen speech.

Obviously, even today some 20 years later I ALWAYS at least march my cart to the nearest cart corral when I'm done grocery shopping. I mean it's the least I can do for those poor minimum wage ($8.00 an hour) teenagers with summer jobs during today's global warming affected summers (2009 one of the coolest summer's on record).

However, I can never seem to be anywhere near a cart corral.

Maybe I'm wrong, but perhaps, just perhaps the reason that I can never find a cart corral in the parking lot of the grocery store is due to the fact that THEY ARE ALL RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!

The picture doesn't do it justice, but there are 4 corrals almost TOUCHING EACH OTHER!

Come on!

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 7

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:29:00 +0000

I'm always hearing how advanced my niece and nephew are...

In previous posts, I have taken several jabs at my brother who lives in Arkansas. It's really not fair on my part to pick such low hanging fruit for my amusement, and again, I resolve to stop it. Just the other day I was talking to him and he was giving updates on my niece and nephew.

They are one of the lucky families in that my sister-in-law is able to stay home with the kids. I'm always hearing how advanced my nephew and niece are for their ages.

So, while I was talking with my brother I said, you know it would be great if everyone once in a while you sent some, you know, pictures and what not? It just seems like today, with all this technology we don't seem to share pictures as much as we could. He said he would and I anxiously awaited some pictures.

Here is the picture I received of my niece, the prodigy...

Did I mention that they live in Arkansas?

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 6 - I am SO smart

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Thu, 28 May 2009 01:20:00 +0000

What I had thought...

"The dog can play with the volleyball in the yard".

What I now know...

-Insert obligatory Tom Hanks scream of "WILSON!" here.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 5 - Welcome!

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 24 May 2009 23:21:00 +0000

...a nice uplifting message.

Have you noticed how cities are using those light and telephone pole banners more and more today? They are pretty neat I guess. Usually, you can find them lining the main thoroughfare through a city or town.

Cities use them in a variety of ways, but mostly they offer a nice uplifting message welcoming visitors and tourists to the area. They are usually very bright and colorful, evoking a positive image of the city and surrounding area.

Local merchants use them to advertise shopping areas and specialty stores.

Seasons are popular, you can often find Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter banners as well as holidays such as Christmas or the 4th of July.

Local sports teams are promoted letting visitors know this is Cardinal or Tiger country! Oooo...scary! (ha ha...)

Yes, there are probably countless examples of banners like these. If you stop and take the time to look around, you'll see their welcoming messages almost everywhere.

Here's another one. Wow, it's black! That's definitely different. It's advertising something, let's see, "2008" something, something..."Race Riot". Wait, what?

Ok, on a serious note, the referenced race riot was a dark time in our burg's history. But, it spurned the formation of the NAACP, so something positive did come from it.

Well, in addition TO this blog post!

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 4 - How in the...?

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:09:00 +0000

And then I drove past this guy's house.

As spring moves into summer, many people are completing their "spring cleaning" both inside the home as well as outside. We recently cleaned up all the leaves and dead brush from our yard producing 4 bags of natural yard waste for the trash company to pick up.

Of course, one may remember that these natural yard waste bags are not free nor are the stickers you have to have affixed to them (MMeM Vol. 4 Issue 19). However, the city allows for 1-2 free pick ups a year when you still have to have the bags, but not the stickers. Of course, I always manage to miss this opportunity.

Anyway, we had 4 bags of yard waste. I have to say, I felt pretty good about that kind of production. "There", I thought, a job well done.

And then, I drove past this guy's house.

Are you kidding me? You have a yard smaller than mine. What, did you pick up leaves in the Shawnee National Forrest all week and bring them home?

Last time, I had 6 bags.

Big freaking deal now I guess. Thanks a lot Mr. Over-Achiever.

Jerk.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 3 - Size Matters

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sat, 09 May 2009 13:18:00 +0000

...bigger is not always better

A while ago, I was asked to run to the store to pick up a few items for an upcoming family dinner. More specifically, I was told that we needed a soup bone for use in a soup of all things.

While shopping for the soup bone, it occurred to me that I had no idea what a soup bone was or how to pick one out. Was it pork, beef? I always knew there was a section of the meat cases that housed the unmentionables, i.e. pigs feet, ears, joints, and organs. However, I never spent much time perusing that area due to the gross out factor.

Anyway, I found what appeared to be soup bones or at least they were bones with very little usable meat on them. Now, the selection of the best one for the money. Naturally, bigger is better. So, I got this...

Apparently, this was too big...as if that is ever even possible about anything. Supposedly, something about it would be too overpowering for the development of the soup.

Here was what I SHOULD have purchased:

And here is a side by side comparison of my soup bone, which was the better bargain by the way, and the "correct" soup bone(s):

I guess the lesson to be learned here is that bigger is not always better.

I don't really believe that though.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 2 - Got "Something"?

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 22:33:00 +0000

I mean seriously, it's everywhere

You really have to hand it to the "Got Milk?" people. Since the advertising campaign's inception back in 1993, the California Milk Processor Board has absolutely hit it out of the advertising agency, so to speak. How many dozens of variations on the "Got Milk?" slogan have you seen in the past 16 years?

I mean seriously, it's everywhwere. It has been used to ask if someone has something, knows something, wants something, or anything. Got this, got that, it's almost the "Kleenex" of tissue paper now. Anyone want to market something? Just put a "Got..." in front of it and wa-la! You're done! It's on T-shirts, posters, web sites, and just about everything in between where the small guy can capitalize on a worldwide slogan without getting too much press so as to provoke copyright lawyers.

Of course, now the CMPD has moved onto their milk mustache campaign and it has soared to new levels as well. Seems everyone wants to market milk with a fake milk mustache in magazine ads and on billboards. Variations on this marketing effort however are less often imitated.

But, I digress. I spotted what may be final, end all, example of an everyman using the "Got Something" campaign. I mean that both literally, and figuratively.

And with that,

I now declare,

the "Got Something" campaign...

officially...

dead.

MMeM, Vol. 5 Issue 1 - You've Gone Too Far

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:32:00 +0000

That is until we take it too far

Around the world, local cities and communities work hard to promote themselves in order to attract tourists. It's like, Nashville has country music, Dallas has all things cowboys, Los Angeles has showbiz, Chicago has taxes, and well here in Springfield, IL we have Lincoln.

Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. Everywhere, everything has some mention or connection to Lincoln. People who are from here get pretty immune to all the Lincoln references. So much so, that you don't even notice them much anymore. The area has a campaign called "Looking for Lincoln" to get all the tourists to the various Lincoln sites.

Simply put, if you've been here 5 minutes and you HAVEN'T found him yet, there is a problem.

That is, until, we take it too far. For example, a locally owned coffee place hoisted this sign the other day...

It says, "Finger Lincoln Good!"

Yikes.

Yeah, an attempt at a double entendre that went horribly wrong! You've gone too far. Please back up, and try again.

MMeM, Vol 4 Issue 34 - Capital "N" Strikes Again

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:23:00 +0000

Here is the latest sighting

It's still out there. The dreaded backwards capital "N". As was first chronicled in MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 3, it is harder to properly display a capital "N" than one might think.

Here is the latest sighting...

Interestingly enough, this latest discovery was also the scene of a previous issue (MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 22).

At least they got the "N" right that time...

This local business sign is quickly becoming a Midwestern Mediations hot-spot. It can now be added to the list which already contains Jacksonville, IL and the state of Arkansas.

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 33 - Mail-in Rebates

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:11:00 +0000

...people have gotten passports fasterthan that.

So, I just finished a mail-in rebate on a recently purchased piece of merchandise. What a sense of accomplishment!!! After that, I'm ready to apply for graduate school, the GMAT, or maybe even law school.

I believe it may be easier to get a drivers license or a duplicate birth certificate than to follow all the rigermorale involved with mail-in rebates.

Cut the UPC off of the actual box that the item came in? Seriously, you're joking right?

Look, we all know why mail-in rebates are so difficult to comply with and take even longer for the company to then process (6-8 weeks...again, I know people who have gotten passports faster than that, even in post 9-11 times). The company offering the rebate is banking on the fact that most people are either too lazy or just plain incapable of following through with mail-in rebates and their instructions.

It's money in the company's pockets...plain and simple. The U.S. government should contract these mail-in rebate firms to process immigration forms and even citizenship requests. Al Qaida could never follow all those rules.

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 32 - Fence Pet Peeve

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 17:36:00 +0000

...it looks like it's not your fence.

This is a HUGE pet peeve. Why do some people put their fences up "backwards"?

Here we have a nice wooden fence. It is put up correctly.

Next is an example of a fence that "goes both ways".

This is perfectly acceptable. It satisfies those who don't want to view the inner workings or "behind the scenes" guts of a fence. Still, this could give the homeowner a feeling of joint ownership of a fence.

And, here we have a fence, that is put up backwards.

You're doing it wrong. When the supporting slats holding up the main boards of your fence face out, and away from your property, it looks like it's not your fence. This would make the homeowner feel like they are fenced OUT of something. It's like the property owners on the other side put the thing up!

What are you doing? Are you giving would-be robbers a built in ladder with which to scale said fence?

IT'S UP BACKWARDS!!!

Finally, this roadside view pulls together all examples of fence display. These neighbors don't communicate and don't agree on the finer points of wooden fence display properties.

It's a fence TRIPLE PLAY!

It's the goldilocks of fences.

We have "both ways" fence, which is connected to...
"backwards" fence, which is connected to...
"correct" fence.

One out of three. Somehow, in today's world that seems just about right. One out of three people "get it".

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 31

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 12:50:00 +0000

I did what any fine upstanding citizen would do

Look, I tried flagging her down. I pulled up beside her in the parking lot and tried to get her attention.

I honked.

I flashed my lights.

Finally, I did what any fine upstanding citizen would do.

I whipped out my camera and took a picture just before she turned the wrong way onto a one way while spilling the $4 latte that was sitting on top of her roof.

...and then posted it on my blog.

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 30

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 14:04:00 +0000

...do we really need to do more to make shopping carts inoperable?

his sign was recently discovered in a Walgreens parking lot. I'm not sure what is more disturbing, the fact that shopping carts get stolen from Walgreens or the fact that they are so valuable that the company has to install an under ground electrical wiring system that renders the cart's wheels inoperable once said cart goes past the official Walgreens perimeter.

I realize that in today's society, we have to lock down every loose piece of metal known to man to keep scrappers from taking them to the salvage yard for money. And why is that? Why can't a scrap yard worker look at a Walgreens shopping cart brought in by Cracky McMeth and think, "Hmm, this doesn't seem right"?

How many shopping carts does your typical Walgreens even have, 6? And do we really need to do MORE to make shopping carts inoperable? I mean every cart that I ever get stuck with sounds like I'm pushing a led sled over a chalkboard with speed bumps with its bent and out-of- alignment wheels already.

Lastly, who shops at Walgreens with a shopping cart anyway? Don't answer that, because I already know. It's the person with 22 coupons in front of me with a cart full of scavenger-hunt-type merchandise which together comprise the most eclectic and complicated-to-checkout purchases in history.

All the while, I stand there holding my gallon of milk (sounded dirty but wasn't).

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 29

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 23:03:00 +0000

...the pharmacists have won haven't they?

About a month ago, the scientific community was all a flutter over the firing up of the LHC or Large Hadron Collider in Europe. In short, we'll save you from the typical scientific geek's near orgasmic explanation, and say it's a machine that is built to smash atoms so the remains can be studied. The remains of the collision provide possible insights into the creation of the universe and all matter as we know it. Had enough? Yeah, same here.

Anyway, there have been a few in the scientific community that say this collision could produce a black hole that will swallow and crush the Earth ending our existence. That's kind of a BIG side note.

The first collision isn't scheduled for a couple of months and the collider is actually broken right now so we're good. However, the end of the world maybe closer than anyone realizes.

For instance, what will happen when a new Walgreens opens up directly across the street from another Walgreens?

Doesn't THAT represent the nexis of the universe and the end of life as we know it?

Seriously, the pharmacists have won haven't they? We chronicled the encroachment of pharmacists in MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 4 back in February.

Alright, obviously the old Walgreens will close to make way for the new one. But what business will go into the old building?

Seems like a logical expansion for, say, a CVS?

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 28

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:12:00 +0000

...not many things turn my frown upside down

After such an epic collapse of the Cubs, not many things turn my frown upside down. I mean, seriously, the best record in the national league and you get swept in the first round of the playoffs for the 2nd year in a row.

Oh, and it's been exactly 100 years since the team last one the championship. Honestly, hollywood couldn't write it any more sadistically.

But, there is a silver lining.

At least I don't have to change my license plate.

MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 27 - Public Transportation

noreply@blogger.com (cubconn) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:59:00 +0000

Public transportation is so much better for the environment.

No but seriously, it's better but it's not perfect either. Cause, like, my car... doesn't do that.