Tout est vérité. Tout est mensonge.

New blog

2010-02-18T08:36:00.001Z

I've been neglecting my blog... I'm a bad person!

These days, you'll find me over at Not Just Another Milla - come say hi!

x

Love - SATC style

2010-01-19T10:46:00.003Z

Our favourite couple somehow managed to make it through all of the BS including marrying/becoming engaged to different people, insecurities, moving continents, affairs, fear and confusion to finally end up happily married. If they can do it, we all can!!

2010 resolutions

2010-01-05T16:48:00.000Z

Setting oneself New Year Resolutions is always tricky because it gets to March, if not before, one's enthusiasm starts to flag. Last year was amazing, as I'm hoping 2010 will be. As I started to complete my list of 2010 resolutions, I was consumed by how much I actually want to do! Here goes (in no particular order):

 Make curtains for our lounge using my fancy new sewing machine
 Sit the level 2 JLPT in December
 Give up sweets (candy to my American friends)
 Do something for charity
 Remember that 2010 is the year of happiness
 Take a sewing class
 Give up alcohol until our wedding
 Take a daily nap
 Lose 3 kilos to achieve my target weight of 50 kilos (by June)
 Not to complain as much, it's exhausting!
 Take a French class
 Donate blood
 Give up magazines*
 Be American once a week and see a shrink :-)
 To get back to my healthy lifestyle of raw food, juicing, yoga and happiness
 Spend more quality time with my Frenchie
 45 minutes of exercise every single day
 Get to know Paris a wee bit better
 Read The Economist* every week whilst lazing on the sofa with a mug of nettle tea
 Try to put myself first sometimes AND not feel guilty about it

Last but by no means least, LET GO! Stop needing to be in control of everything – do I really need to know what I'll be doing next Wednesday at 1534?! No Milla, NO!!

*Exception: The Economist and Wedding magazines.

Happy 2010

2010-01-01T16:45:00.001Z

So here we are, 2010, already. 2009 was the year of so many downs and so many life-changing ups; adjusting to life as 2 people, becoming engaged to the loveliest man, friendships ending, sitting my JLPT, leaving friends and family behind and moving to Paris to start a new life with H2B. Pretty amazing really.

At the beginning of 2009, I was in love and looking forward to seeing how things would work out with H2B. Little did I know that Abbas would become my fiancé and we would start to plan a future together, and here we are; living in Paris and planning our wedding in 7 months. Isn't life fabulous?!

Thank you 2009, you were amazing!

Update - life in Paris

2009-11-19T20:47:00.000Z

Well here I am on day 13 of my new life in Paris and thought I’d give you a wee update…

Home:

We still haven’t found an apartment, and I assure you, it’s not for want of trying! You know me, I love the French but they are the most illogical people in all the land! Firstly, they have this ridiculous law which stipulates that the landlord cannot evict a non-paying tenant during the winter months. Great for Mr I-want-a-free-winter-in-Paris, not so great for the landlord/prospective tenants like us. This law obviously makes landlords a bit jumpy and so getting approved by the landlord is no walk in the park. Next, they want every piece of documentation possible – employment contract, payslips, tax info, passport, favourite ice-cream flavour etc… On top of that, they want you to have a guarantor. Now here’s the illogical bit: any normal person would think that a guarantor has to have a higher income that ours. Not in France people. Not in France! They just need someone with a French bank account. Please explain how that makes sense?!

So you provide all this info to some random landlord and hope that he picks you. Not only that, you’re giving all of your personal data to some random person. What’s French for identity theft?! Who knew we’d have to ask someone if we can pay them a couple thousand euro per month!? Not impressed.

Last night, Abbas started talking about moving to Singapore or Madagascar so I think that means he has had enough… Tokyo is sadly not an option (yes, I already ask…) :-( Maybe Paris won’t be home for much longer…

Food:

Now, we all know that Milla loves good food but nothing prepared me for my new love affair with French cuisine – brioche, yoghurts, cakes, even the vegetables taste different and don’t even get me started on the cheese! You can actually taste things here – herbs, vegetables, fruit – if it says strawberry gateaux, you taste fresh strawberries not just sugar as in the UK/US. The effort and love that goes into French cuisine is wonderful – cooking and enjoying a meal is about coming together, talking, laughing, and sharing happiness and love, not just gulping down some pre-packed rubbish. Yesterday, I ate boeuf bourguignon avec pommes vapeur. Oh la la! I sat in a little brasserie with my Kanji book and was taken to culinary heaven. Who knew boiling potatoes was an art!? Sounds absolutely ridiculous but I have never had such delicious potatoes! This was followed by the creamiest crème brûlée known to Milla. Heavenly! In addition to food here, I had my first coffee in about 12 years and I have to tell you that enjoyed every drop J The joke is that I’ve been eating nonstop and have lost almost 2 kilos in 13 days…

Culture:

I went to mass at Sacre-coeur, which was lovely. I haven’t seen a nun since I left high school (yes, I went to a strict Catholic school between 4-16 years of age – explains a lot!), yet they were in abundance and sounded so angelic. Beautiful. Where else have I been… Notre-dame, the Jewish memorial for the deported, Jardin des plantes (Kew Gardens Parisian style), École Militaire, Muséum national d'Histoire naturelle (natural history museum), Tour Eiffel (Eiffel tower), Le Mémorial de la Shoah (Shoah memorial for the 6 million European Jews who died in Nazi camps), Grande Mosquée de Paris (Grand mosque of Paris - the most amazing mosaics), the Panthéon, l'Institut Curie (Pierre and Marie Curie museum), l'Institut du monde arabe (the World Arab institute) etc. It is quite interested and deeply saddening to see many of the school buildings with a plaque remembering the children who were sent to Nazi camps. I will never understand such cruelty against humanity. For anybody who knows Paris, I walked from the 15eme to the 20eme, the 18eme to the 13eme - yes people, I really am a tourist and have sore feet!

You’ll always find scruffy people roams the streets but in Paris, people really do seem to have that understated glam we hear so much about, I’ve noticed that I take time to dress with even more care, always wear earrings and keep my attire chic and simple. French women are some simple and elegant and I don’t want to let the British side down!

Despite all of the fun and interesting things, I feel pretty lonely, which is strange for me since I tend to do things alone. This will probably change once we find an apartment or move again. Paris is such a beautiful city and hopefully in time I will meet people to enjoy it with. In the interim, I’m studying for my JLPT which will be held on 6th December so wish me luck! I joined 2 Japanese groups which meet to speak Japanese, go to Japanese events (film, demonstrations, art etc) and eat Japanese food! Japanese in Paris – fabulous!

I’ll keep you updated…

Goodbye London. Hello Paris.

2009-11-06T14:23:00.001Z

I leave tomorrow morning. Excited and anxious. See you on the other side...

Time out

2009-10-27T16:32:00.003Z

Weird but I'm so busy and feeling pretty blue that blogging is the last thing on my mind. I have somehow learnt to deal with my emotions internally, which is not a good thing and leads me to have some very dark moments AND worse still, my insomnia has returned. By not blogging, I am somehow avoiding my thoughts and feelings. Until I know how to articulate them, I'm going to take a break from this blog.

X

A little Friday Kate...

2009-10-02T15:20:00.000+01:00

More perfection from Kate!

Opening Pandora’s box

2009-10-02T12:46:00.001+01:00

In addition to couple’s counselling, I also started my own therapy sessions at the beginning of the week. This evening will mark session 2… Pre-first session, I was dreading it. How foolish! I cannot explain how nice it was to have somebody LISTEN to me. Nothing else just LISTEN to me. I actually felt relevant. I suddenly get it – I know why and people obsess about therapy. We live in a self-obsessed; Milla has to pay someone to listen to her!!

We talked about my childhood with a lot of focus on my absent father. I know that not having a father around has had a huge influence on how I date, my expectations of relationships and my fears. It’s interesting because I feel sure that I already know what (the majority of) my issues are. What I need is help to confront/manage/disregard them, which is easier said than done. One of the main issues is that I have always been the carer (of myself, my family and my friends). Maybe this sounds stupid but I would really like to be cared for as well, which basically sums up my past relationships. Over the last couple of hours, I’ve been wondering if, by expecting/needing some reciprocal care and attention, I'm asking too much. Or is it H2B, who in his inability to provide me with the emotional care I crave, is the problem? Questions, questions, questions...

Yesterday, the only time he contacted me was to discuss setting his friend with my friend, not because he wanted to say hi. H2B came home last night: 1 x kiss, sat on the chair and started to play his guitar whilst we talked. As he previously mentioned, being in the same room is his idea of spending time together. He also mentioned that he believes we don’t need to email/sms/call each other as much in the beginning because we know that we’re together and what our plan is. I strongly disagree. All I want is some affection – holding hands, playing with my hair, kisses, sitting together etc. I wish he would compliment me and make me free special, beautiful and relevant. I miss that. I need that. As screwed up as I may be, I don’t feel that that is expecting too much. Feeling so stupid makes me feel angry.

So here I sit, watching my blackberry like a hawk, waiting for a flicking red light to show some indication that he cares. Pathetic but true.

And so my journey begins… Can’t wait to see my therapist!

Make you feel brand new! Yes, please!!

2009-10-02T11:36:00.002+01:00

I bloody love Jay's music & this song is the SHIT!

Housewife… NOT!

2009-10-02T11:21:00.002+01:00

It seems that I will have to find a job in Paris. This is not really what I want. I want to get married and have a family. Instead, I will work. I never felt that Mr Marseille was comfortable being the sole bread-winner in the family and to be frank, I never felt that I could rely on him financially. So, further to our discussion last night, I will look for a job in Paris.

I feel really sad because I want to stay home – cook, care for our house, have babies, make muffins etc. Worse still is that we will no longer try for a baby straight after the wedding. I told him that if I have to work, we ought to wait for 2-3 years until we have children. He jumped out of skin, screwed up his face and said “No! I’ll be 40 – it will be too late!”. WTF does he expect? Job + child at the same time? NO. If I need to get a job, I’m going to get one, save every dime and stay independent. It’s a vey uncomfortable feeling and whilst I do want to have children, it does make me think about how I can stay independent, be a mother who is there for her children and stay happy.

A friend once said to me “People don’t realise that having a lasting relationship isn’t just about wanting the same things, it’s also about sharing the same views on money and lifestyle”. Hate to admit it but fuck was he right.

Not mummy's baby

2009-09-29T11:35:00.000+01:00

When discussing our counselling sessions a couple of days ago, H2B mentioned that it had crossed his mind that by moving to Paris, I was running away from something. No idea what, but he just felt that way. I was sitting on our bed rather bemused by this revelation. Now, I'm starting to wonder if my fiancé is right...

We all make comparisons between our families and friends but I cannot help but feel sorry for myself and worse still, starting to wonder if I am deluding myself about who I am. Are people mean to me because I'm a mean person? Am I mean? Who am I? Yes, I have done bad things, just as I have done good things. When was younger, I made bad, immoral choices but isn't that part of growth and experience? Had I not made those negative choices, I would not be able to stand here on this spot and know that I will never do those things again. I have suffered and learnt from the life I led. I have learnt things that continue to help me on my positive path, but I cannot help but feel as though the harder I try and the happier I am, those who are supposed to be close to me, just try to drag me down. God knows I am trying not the bite the bait but boy is it difficult!

I just wish my mother could support me. She has had a tough childhood, surrounded by tragedy and hasn't spoken with her own mother for 17 years+. She is angry and bitter, which makes her very mean at times. In some ways, I don't even want to invite her to our wedding, I don't want her to be involved in my life and just cannot imagine what good she can bring to my/our life. I just want to protect myself and my husband-to-be from her negativity. I wish she could be different. I've always wished she could be different. I've always known that she never will be.

Walk faster

2009-09-28T15:49:00.002+01:00

I never saw any of this year happening: falling in love with the most amazing man, getting engaged, ending childhood friendships, planning our wedding, finding meaningful friendship in the most unexpected area, moving to France... I feel so blessed and so afraid of losing everything we have built over the last 12 months. I've sort of resolved myself to just keep my mouth shut and get on with it. Last night H2B told me that he didn't want me to be like that; that I should share what I'm thinking/feeling. The reality is that when he hears something he doesn't like/doesn't want to hear, more often than not, he will completely freak out, rant over me and worse still, will stay grumpy for 3 days+. I cannot handle that. Really I just can't, so the best thing is to just shut-up and keep my views to myself. Not be submissive but not rock the boat. I know it's not a long term solution but for now, it will have to suffice...

Recently, my now-ex Maid-of-Honour and I broke up after she refused to support me in my decision to marry Mr Marseille, showed no interest/joy with our wedding plans, refused to get to know the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and basically only used me to discuss her boyfriend issues with. I was so upset that she was unable to share my happiness and joy.

Of late, he sees me as being quite needy, which is a fair assessment. With the move to another country, him away interviewing all the time, I had been quite insecure, worried that he'd meet somebody else, was cheating etc - normal chick stuff! I try to concentrate on the fact that I have zero reason feel that way and must concentrate on what we have and what we're building. I know that but I have just been so consumed with dark thoughts. Over the last few days, I've been trying not to call/sms/email him too often. Sometimes I just want to say 'hi' to him – to hear his beautiful voice, sometimes I have something to mention/ask and now, I just feel silly. When I start to call/sms/email i end up just leaving it because I don't want to appear needy. It's so ridiculous because I really want to speak to him. Human beings are so complicated!

Losing a friend I've had for 16 years + relocating + insecurity + very little support + financial worries + a stressed out H2B = a very emotional Milla. The last 6 weeks have been tough but I'm feeling positive, and even when I'm having a bad day, I try to put on a happy face and force myself to see the light. Yes, there's work to be done, but I know that I'm on the right path. All I can do is walk faster...

I have NEVER been so bored

2009-09-28T11:51:00.002+01:00

I am so over this job. I cannot believe that I am again doing a job I hate for money. Didn't I quit this BS last summer? 30-odd days to go Milla, that's all... Stay happy :-)

Feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.

Hugs, Paris and new beginnings

2009-09-23T15:39:00.004+01:00

It's all agreed:

- 8 October is our last day in our current apartment
- 20 October H2B will move to Paris
- 26 October H2B starts his new job
- 30 October will be my last working day here in London
- 7 November I move to Paris

It's been such a stressful time to be honest. The lack of stability has thrown me and I just feel very emotional and drained, but something happened this afternoon. I came home for lunch, climbed onto the bed and closed my eyes. H2B came in, kissed me and asked if wanted some tea. He returned with the tea, climbed onto the bed and held me tightly in his arms. The next thin I knew, I was crying. All I wanted was to be in his arms - for him to comfort me and put my concerns to rest. It was really nice. Funny how a hug can change your whole outlook...

I want to live in a place like this

2009-09-22T17:18:00.002+01:00

Isn't it gorgeous!? Large, chic and open plan, it suits a modern couple and a little one.

I'm going to burst...

2009-09-18T17:08:00.002+01:00

If I don't tell someone how happy I am! Life is so good. I am so blessed.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

x

11 months of love

2009-09-15T09:49:00.002+01:00

It feels like yesterday that H2B and I met but here we are, 11 months later; moving to Paris in 6 weeks, getting married in 11 months and completely and utterly devoted to each other. I never knew such a relationship existed, but you know, that's a good thing. For me, everything is new and I love that. Make no mistakes, things are not always easy, and we are having to work at our relationship every single day but it is so worth it. The moment you stop feeling interested enough to work on things, to bite your lip occasionally to keep the peace, to forget about your own needs (for a wee while) and focus on your partner, will be the day that things are over. Yesterday morning, I watched him sleep thinking about how much I love him, how everything that I dream of is part of our relationship - ever-increasing trust, love, friendship, intimacy, a future, a family - LIFE.

That said, for the last 5 months, I have just been giving and supporting. It would be really nice to feel taken care of - be offered a massage, more hugs, a smile, dinner cooked etc. What I really wish is that H2B could also understand what a big deal this is to ME: relocating, getting married, breaking up with my oldest friend*, no job = no financial independence, buying a house, no friends in new location etc. This is a freakin' huge deal that I am 100% behind BUT nonetheless, still a huge deal. God, I feel really bad asking for some Milla-support... I believe that once we've found & moved into out new home, all will be fine. Positive-thinking baby!

“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. And you can do it when things are tough.” Richard DeVos

*Blog to follow.

Paris, nous arriverons!!

2009-09-08T17:10:00.003+01:00

I can barely contain my excitement - H2B got a new job in PARIS!! That's not all - he starts in 4 weeks!! 4 weeks people!! Oh my goodness! Currently experiencing bouts of elation and fear in equal measure... Last night we were looking at houses online. A house to live in together, a house to grow together in, a house to make babies and raise a family - our family home. Our future is upon us and I for one will not take a single moment for granted.

We had a huge fight over the weekend. He's under so much pressure so all of my emotional BS needs to be put on the back burner. I need to just stay focussed on being supportive and doing as much as I can to make things go smoothly. Like H2B said, we're not moving to Australia!

So in love, so happy and so bloody scared. What will life in Paris involve? Will I be alone all the time? Will H2B get bored of me? Will I finally learn to speak French fluently? Will his family start hating me? Will we have enough money? Will it be everything we've been dreaming of? As scared as I am, I just KNOW that everything will be okay. I love him, he loves me and we are both working for the same goal. I am so happy, I could scream!

UPDATE: H2B has now pushed his start date back a bit to 2 November, which gives us a bit more time to sort things out.

Cancer - daily horoscope

2009-09-07T14:23:00.003+01:00

Your home and family are even more important now as an intense discussion morphs from a direct confrontation into a close encounter of some kind. It's hard to know how to classify your interactions with others, for you could feel so detached from what's happening that you appear to be disinterested. Nevertheless, your willingness to get to the bottom of an issue will help to keep you in the game.

Sometimes my horoscope is so right!

Tizzies, pain and love

2009-08-19T15:45:00.000+01:00

The last 4-6 weeks have been very difficult for us and I’ve felt so insecure and unaccepted. He has frustrated me to high heaven and there were 2 occasions when I was ready to just end things. The latter of the two, we broke up for about 2 hours – the pain so deep that I wanted nothing more than to be hit by a truck on the motorway (freeway for my fab American readers!). I’ve visited some very dark places recently and I hope that as a result, I’ve grown stronger, calmer and more open. I hope that H2B has realised that I’m a wee bit more sensitive than I may appear…

Every now and then, I get myself into a “tizzy” and forget just how lucky I am that Mr Marseille accepts my past, deals with my insecurities, is a wonderful guy and wants to be with me forever in the same way I want to be with him forever. When he looks at me, I see everything in his eyes – our future, our happiness, our babies, our life. I love him in a way that I never knew existed. A way I thought only appeared in films.

Now if only he would follow my suggestion and do everything I tell him… One can only dream!

Kate Oh Kate

2009-08-19T12:40:00.001+01:00

Nope, not over her yet!

Doing it for a thrill... You beat your arse I am!

2009-08-11T17:12:00.002+01:00

Is it just me, or is this the hottest tune right now??? Just makes me want to dance, get glammed up, put on a strapless cocktail dress & some kick arse heels and go somewhere fabulous!

No to drugs AND death

2009-08-08T08:11:00.002+01:00

Looking at press photographs of Samantha Orobator as she arrived back on UK soil yesterday, all I could think was “why the hell are you so happy?”. Reading various news sites, it was obvious that I am not alone.

Samantha was born in Nigeria and aged 8 she moved to the UK. Aged 20, she decided to travel the world and was en route back to the UK when she was stopped in Laos with 640gs of heroin. Given that she had more than 500gs, she was automatically given a death sentence. More disturbing and equally confusing is that Samantha became pregnant whilst in an all female prison. She has yet to discuss this though claims of abuse are far from infrequent in such prisons. So anyway, a deal was done to secure her transfer to the UK on the basis that she serves the remainder of her sentence in a UK prison.

Whenever you tell people that you don’t believe in the death sentence, they always say “but what if someone you love were to be murdered”. Well here’s hoping that that never happens! I can be rather blasé about a lot of stuff but feel passionately about the abolishment of the death penalty (as well as equal rights for people of all race, gender, religion, age and sexuality, obesity, free education, drink-driving, drugs and Gillian Mckeith!). Whilst the practices of Laos laws are clearly decades behind ours and the death penalties are a clear infringement of human rights, I do believe that Samantha should punished. She chose to carry drugs AKA substances that ruin lives and tear loved ones apart, and she should be made to feel the punishment. Life is not about do bad and get bailed out by your adopted government. There are, almost unbelievably, people in the UK living in poverty, our education system needs a huge amount of resources to be anywhere near adequate and our lovely free-to-everyone healthcare system is on the brink of collapse, yet the taxpayer is bailing out the likes of Samantha Orobator.

It’s a tough one because she’s very young and pregnant but the bottom line is, the woman trafficked drugs, and not the good kind! No she should not be put to death but NO way should she get off free. We’re trying to teach our children that drugs are bad, don’t carry weapons, stay in school, have fun and stay alive. How can we teach them anything when we consider freeing a drug trafficker?

Another important point to take into consideration is that should Samantha be realised, other countries will be understandably sceptical about transferring UK prisoners to our custody for fear that they will be released.

Views?

London lover

2009-08-02T17:22:00.003+01:00

We went to Bristol and then on to Cardiff (Wales) for a day trip yesterday. Bristol was bleak and a clear throwback to the late 80s! Cardiff was lovely – sunny, historical castles and full history and culture, which I’ll come to in a moment. I found myself thinking about how much better life is London. I know, call me a snob but everything is so modern and diverse in my city. I recall moving back to London from New York and thinking how slow and bland everything is here. A trip to Wales and suddenly I think London is the best thing since sliced bread!! What a snob!