I was sitting at a stoplight when 'Crash' by the Dave Matthews Band came on the radio. I heard this song for the first time on a mix tape a high school friend made for me - she was a freshman in college, I was a high school senior, and we were hanging out over Christmas break. Also on this mix tape: the Indigo Girls, Ani DiFranco, Sinead O'Connor... it was a very influential mix tape. 

The light changed and I realized I was hearing the lyrics for the first time. I know the words, like a lot of people Of My Era, but I hadn't really heard them and I found myself thinking my my Dave, you're making me blush. 

And for some reason I flashed back to the moment a few years ago when I happened to be standing next to Dave Matthews at a church-sponsored toddler gym morning while he chatted with a friend of mine. Out of context (though what would the right context be? A CD cover?) he looked to be just another exhausted parent wrangling a two- or three-year-old, a person to be pitied just like the rest of us. But I heard the whisperings of the other moms, realized exactly who it was talking to my friend, and became tongue tied. You are famous, I thought. I am a stranger to you, but you are not a stranger to me.

Listening to this song was now intimate, almost uncomfortable. The Dave Matthews at the toddler gym had struck me as quiet and unassuming, and here he was crooning these innuendo-ish things over my car radio. And I wondered if he knew, if he ever thought about it. Does he walk into a grocery store and feel known? Does he visit a toddler play gym and understand the moms there will have heard his deepest thoughts? How does that make him feel? When he drives his car and hears his own music on the radio, does he look into the cars passing by and wonders if his own heartbreak touches them in some way? I thought these things as I drove, and in those moments I felt that Dave Matthews was a very brave soul.

But lately, and who knows why, I am consumed with wanting to be Dave Matthews. I am drawn to what he does, what all artists do. I feel called to it, like I am not living my whole life, I am not fully who God made me to be, unless I also reveal a truth in some highly vulnerable, highly public way. And then I think get over yourself, Maggie and go on with the rest of my day, making food and cleaning up spills and changing diapers and wishing for Phillip to get home. 

I have a great fear that I will never get my truths out. I don't even know what these truths are. But I don't intend to sing or paint or dance them, they need to be written out and (this is important) read. I dread that part and crave it at the same time. This is just a vague floaty feeling inside me, the nebulous gas of whatever it is I should be doing with this life. 

A few days ago I was whining on Twitter, as I do, about dealing with the big kids. I think the word I used on Twitter was 'discipline' but I think a better word might be "making them act right." You know what I'm talking about. It's not like they're being NASTY or MEAN or whatever, they're just being twerps! I don't ENJOY repeating myself nine thousand times a day, you know? They're loud, they're wild, they get all "but where's my DWINK, MOMMY?" like "how dare you go about your day while I am sitting here just a tidge thirsty, HMM?"

I was reminded of this today when I went to put EJ down for her nap. (For something like the fifth time, let it be noted.) I thought: hey! Instead of yelling at the kids to be quiet WHILE I'm holding the baby, why don't I yell at them AHEAD OF TIME? Smartness! 

So I cornered them in the living room, used my Very Important Mommy Voice, and told them I needed them to be quiet while I tried to get Emma to sleep. They nodded their heads which is universal for I Understand You, unless you are a three- or four-year-old, in which case it translates to, "Get out of our hair, woman." 

I went to wrap up the baby and get her down and I swear, not TWO MINUTES LATER, someone is standing right outside the bedroom door, sobbing. Sobbing! And you know, these kids have lived in my house some years now. They can't possibly believe that at this point I'm going to literally drop the baby and come running to their aid on account of a little sobbing, especially sobbing that is happening DIRECTLY AFTER I tell them to NOT DO THINGS LIKE SOB FTLOG! 

(Note: no one was HURT. No one was on FIRE. No one was BLEEDING. No one had anything to SOB ABOUT, TRUST ME.)

So I pulled the door open a bit with my foot and gave the offender (JACK) the biggest meanest scariest look I could muster and Gestured Angrily so that he'd LEAVE. 

And he did! Lovely! (Well not without 1) a Terribly Wounded Look and 2) more sobbing). I went back to putting the baby to sleep and then! Not THIRTY SECONDS LATER! Molly starts shouting, "NO! NO JACKSUN! NO!" And there was running! And all sorts of LOUDNESS GAAAAHHHH!!! I had to do my whole Angry Look/Angry Gesture thing ALL OVER AGAIN and this time it was LESS EFFECTIVE and I also suspect they didn't even NOTICE but I still had a baby in my arms SOOOO...

It's just TYPICAL. Typical afternoon in the Cheung household. BLARGH! Emma was so tired it was a snap to put her down (for five minutes anyway) and then I ordered the big kids downstairs. AWAY WITH YOU! I shouted. BE GONE! GO AWAY FROM ME! YOU ARE MAKING ME CRAAAAAAZEEEEEE!!!

They went downstairs with (you guessed it) more Wounded Looks and Crying and OH COME ON. I'm a softie but I'm not THAT big a softie. I threw myself across the sofa and relished the five minutes of quiet I'd get before someone started to sob downstairs and beg me to come wipe their butts or get a Kleenex or MOLLY PUSHED ME or whatever was going to come next. 

But they were quiet! And you KNOW I used the resulting many minutes to get important stuff done, like browse Pinterest. I was so happy! And then Emma woke up. 

And then LAAAATER... I realized that those kids were being AWFULLY QUIET. Like, SUSPICIOUSLY QUIET. I yelled from upstairs to see what was up, but no one answered. I'm not proud to say that I then IGNORED the quiet for a while longer. I mean, I am not one to look a quiet horse in the mouth. But then I started to get nervous. Had someone drugged my children in my absence? Did they eat some sort of magical quiet piece of lint? Secretly let themselves into the backyard? Got stuck in the utility closet? 

I went downstairs to investigate and BOTH KIDS are IN THEIR BEDS ASLEEP. It was 4:30 PM.

(The next thing that happened is Phillip called to tell me he'd be an late. THE END.)

I read The Fault In Our Stars because I always do what the rest of the internet does. Also I like John Green. Everyone's already given their two cents about this book, so I'll just say that while I agreed with the main criticism of the book (SUPER precocious rings-false-ish dialogue from one character) that's kind of John Green's THING and I happen to really LIKE that thing and I can only hope to make a reader care about my characters the way John Green makes you care about his. (For the record, Tiny Cooper is my favorite John Green character, no one will surpass him, the end, Amen.)

I also read Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me by Mindy Kaling aaaand, eh. Parts of it were cute. Most of the time I was all, really? You're 32 and you're writing what amounts to your memoirs? But she's funny on Twitter and the topics of her best tweets are the topics of her best chapters: best friends. I wanted to love her book, but mostly I just thought it would be awesome to be her friend. Which is probably a better thing to say about someone in the long run.

My Kindle just downloaded Amy Welborn's new book (I always forget when I preorder things!) and I'm half excited to read it, half dreading it because I will probably cry and I'm just not into crying books these days. (THE FAULT IN OUR STARS, I AM LOOKING AT YOU.)

(I thought my Kindle Fire was dead, but Phillip figured out how to fix it. On tonight's list of recommends: husbands who are handy with electronicky things.)

Oh you guys, as I'm writing this Emma is lounging across Phillip and gazing me adoringly. Like, if you looked up Gazes Adoringly in the dictionary you would see Emma and me. I LOVE THIS BABY!

I also wanted to send you guys Ursula's way - Ursula is my fantastic fabulous neighbor and she could really use some support from the interwebs. Today she wrote about the similarities between being pregnant and having cancer: "5. Timing: Apparently, both of us will be rid of our tumors in about 7 months. I get to take mine home." Oh, Ursula. I need to bring you some cookies.

In other news, Ye Ye gave the kids ten dollar bills in red envelopes for Chinese New Year. Today I wanted to go to BabiesRUs to buy Emma some crib bedding and I told them they could buy a toy (or whatever they wanted) with their Chinese New Year money. WHAT A PROCESS. Of course the toys at BabiesRUs are pretty, you know, BABYISH, and eventually I suggested Molly pick out a dress instead ("I WANT A DWESS! A PINK DWESS!") but Jack found toy cars that change color under hot or cold water. AAAAAND that is what my kids have been doing all afternoon: standing on stepstools in front of the bathroom sink, dunking cars in cups of water and making a giant mess. Cars that change color gets a big fat recommend tonight. Wahoo!

 

 

Today was half-decent until... it wasn't anymore. I don't know what turned. It happens, though. Sometimes I'll be powering through a thoroughly average day and BOOM. My ability to parent mysteriously and instantly disappears and I become a raving loony woman, dangling from the end of a very frayed rope. 

The plan was to treadmill the minute Phillip came home, but instead I threw myself on the couch and just SAT. I don't do that. I mean, I find OTHER ways to transfer child-wrangling responsibility. I'll make it look like I'm super busy cleaning the kitchen or finishing dinner or whoops, look at this huge pile of laundry I need to fold RIGHT NOW. I don't really SIT. But I sat tonight and when my sister and brother-in-law came over a bit later I was still sitting there and BIL, who speaks only when absolutely necessary, said, "YOU look TIRED."

And now I am STILL not treadmilling, I am eyeing the internet grouchily and chowing down on a bag of Valentine candy I meant to sprinkle in a package to friends in Hawaii. (A package I meant to send for Christmas, mind you. CHRISTMAS.)

I don't feel like I have a good reason to be grouchy, but whatever, I'm going with it. I've even made a short list of Things, When Combined, Produce A Grouchy Me:

• When the kids are playing, but the playing is interspersed with bouts of sobbing (the girl) or whining (the boy) at five minute intervals, most requiring parental intervention, at which point they realize it's them against me and go back to being horribly loud (yet happy)
• The contractor came to talk to me about my staircase and that was okay, but he told me that a grand total redesign/rebuild of the upstairs bathroom would cost me 30-40K HA HA HA.
• I am really down about the baby weight today, even though I keep telling myself I've lost nearly 20 pounds since she was born (it's not helping) (not like NOT treadmilling is helping either)
• When I started talking to Jack about kindergarten and he said, "How come I'm not going to go to the kindergarten in the big building? [at his current school]" and I felt REALLY SAD.
• I bought this new workbook thing for Molly and I to do while Jack is in school and it sucks. 
• My calves are sore. WHY ARE MY CALVES SORE?
• Why are my calves sore even BEFORE I have attempted to do the Shred post-Emma? 
• Every time I clean the kitchen it gets messy again.
• And! I feel like all I ever do is yell at my kids to BE QUIET YOUR SISTER IS SLEEPING!!!

But here is a list of reasons why I have no business feeling grouchy:

• I started planning a trip to Hawaii for our ten-year anniversary next year. 
• I am super excited about all the wedding and baby stuff going on with my sisters.
• EJ is not necessarily sleeping longer stretches, but she's getting SO much easier to put down I can barely believe it. On occasion she will even fall asleep on her own!
• It will be relatively easy and affordable to build a staircase down to the backyard. And I have an awesome contractor dude.
• I'm going to Portland in a few weeks for a college ministry retreat - I get to pray behind the scenes with some really gifted people and I am SO SUPER EXCITED. My parents are going to take the big kids and Phillip and Emma are going to come with me and just hang out on the sidelines and I am SO GRATEFUL because otherwise I don't think I'd go. 
• Carrie sent me a really beautiful note about what I write on this stupid website and it really made my day, by which I mean it ruined my eye makeup.
• My mother spent about eight hours on the phone with me discussing my large scale what-I-want-to-do-with-my-house plans. She takes my kids AND she indulges me. 

So. There you go. SUCK IT UP, ME!

I'll try sucking it up for a bit, and when that inevitably fails I think I'll go buy some fabric on Etsy. My curtain "headboard" needs to get itself DONE. There's nothing like spending a little money to cure the grouchy.

Tomorrow morning the dude who ripped out my fireplace is coming out to give me an estimate on a staircase between the deck and the backyard. Yes, that's right, we have a deck with no access to the yard. Well, unless you want to pitch yourself over the side and land in the lavender bushes. (DIE, LAVENDER BUSHES!)

There are a LOT of weirdo things about this house. That middle-of-the-living-room fireplace was only the beginning. The deck with no stairs... well, maybe the person who designed the house didn't have kids and didn't see how useful this would be (especially in a house where all the living space is UPstairs.) But the bathrooms are bizarre. There is a bathroom on each floor, but you can access each bathroom from a hallway AND a bedroom. This isn't a big deal downstairs, but upstairs guests use a bathroom with a door going into the master bedroom. I don't really have any issues with not having my Super Special Private Bathroom, but I do think that's a weird arrangement. Also the actual BATHROOM is laid out weird, where there's a pocket door to close off the toilet from the rest of the bathroom, but instead of a sink across from the toilet (and then we could keep the pocket door closed when guests are over and essentially have a "guest bath") the SHOWER is across from the toilet. And then there's the downstairs bedroom (where the kids sleep) that is so far off in the corner it's practically a separate wing... I just think the whole place has a strange layout and I'm STILL sort of unhappy with how we have kids sleeping downstairs and us sleeping upstairs. 

THAT SAID. There are things I absolutely love about this house - huge windows, tons of space, tons of FLEXIBLE space, tons of storage, and the "architectually interesting" weirdnesses at least make it DIFFERENT. Which I like. The people who lived here before made very few personal marks on the house, at least as far as I can tell, which means it's been really easy to make it MINE. I mean, they did paint the entire living room a pistachio green, but we took care of that in a hurry. 

Of course I still think about all the things I want to change. So! If money were no option...

Kitchen Remodel. OH YES. We have a sort of galley kitchen, where there are two long counters facing each other, but there are no walls so it's all open, and one end houses the fridge and wall ovens. The lack of wall cabinets is slightly annoying, but otherwise I'm not sure I would change the LAYOUT of the kitchen. I think it works pretty well and there's tons of counter space. But I would rip out these white cupboards with oak trim and take a sledgehammer to the awful AWFUL! gray tile counters. I have nothing against tile but I have MAJOR issues with stuff getting stuck in tile GROUT. HATE. So we'd replace the white cabinets with different white cabinets, I'm not sure what style. I really like those cottagey white kitchens with cupboards that have glass doors, but I don't think that would fit the style of the rest of the house. So I don't know. But we'd redo the floors, buy a much bigger fridge, install TWO wall ovens (am a fan of the wall oven!), get a different sink, and MAYBE put another counter along the blank all at the end, forming a U shape. Right now there are tile counters with a bar above on each side - those are butcher blocks. I'm not sure about those. Do I like butcher block? I don't like the color of these, but I think I like the idea. I don't know. Estimated cost: Nine Frillion Dollars. 

Bathroom OVERHAUL. I'd like to somehow create a tiny powder room and a master bathroom, but I don't think there's enough room in the current bathroom. So we either have to add space, build out somehow, or turn the closet into a bathroom or SOMETHING. I'd like to have a separate tub and shower and that requires ROOM.  I have no idea. I need an architect. Also a money tree. 

Floors. We still have a hole in the rug. We are probably going to have the hole for a loooong time. Eventually the plan is to replace the carpet in the living room and hallway and extend it into Emma's room (currently Pergo floors) and MAYBE replace the carpet in the master bedroom so everything matches. The dining room would get hardwoods. No one cares about downstairs, but the flooring situation down there (tile entry, carpeted bedrooms, linoleum bathroom and laundry room, industrial carpet in the playroom) is uniformly hideous.

Backyard. This is all me. I have to figure out where my garden is going this year. I also want someone to come build me a swingset. 

Built in bookcases. We decided we couldn't do these ourselves (cobbled together from Ikea Billy bookcases) because the wall is huge and there wasn't enough variety in the Billy options. But one day it might be real super nice to have custom cabinetry along that wall. 

A total redesign downstairs. I don't understand the layout down there AT ALL. I'm FINE with it, but if I could I WOULD change up the entire thing. I feel like there's a ton of wasted space. Chances of this happening: only when I win the lottery. And even then it would still be easier to move.

Actually, the chances of ANY of this happening in the short term is laughable. Ha ha! But I still think about it. I still pin pictures of kitchens on Pinterest. I think I would do the upstairs bathroom first. It's the thing I'm most conscious of when people visit. Some people act like they're invading my private bathroom, others I just want to make sure don't wander into my bedroom. Not a huge deal, but it's the thing that bugs me most right now. Then again, when I was talking about this with friends, one of them said she'd do the kitchen first. But see, even if the kitchen is out of date and not cute and my biggest cookie sheet won't fit in the oven, it still WORKS. It's FINE. It's mainly cosmetic. 

What would you do first if it were your house? What is the thing you're dying to change?!

 

I KNOW you've all been waiting for the Where To Send Jack To Kindergarten Update. DON'T LIE. 

Let's recap!

Jack is currently going to the Pre-K program at the Catholic school 2 blocks away. We'll call this Catholic school and parish St. Close. 

I have mixed feelings about this program. I am not TERRIBLY impressed with what he does in school. I am FAR from a rah rah four-year-olds should be doing proofs! and writing five paragraph papers! type of person. But the stuff he brings home makes me think he's not being particularly, ah, challenged. That said, I am WAY more annoyed by the fact that they do not paint in Pre-K. THERE IS NO PAINTING! What is preschool for if not to make adult-approved messes?! 

But you all know I decided not to do much about it. He's happy there and I'm too busy re-napping a baby to do much about it. Whatever. Molly will probably go somewhere else. 

So here are our Kindergarten Options: 

Kindergarten at St. Close. I have heard nothing but glowing review after glowing review about St. Close and DUDE, it is TWO BLOCKS AWAY. 

Kindergarten at St. Far, aka Our Current Parish. Not SUPER far away, but farther away than I care to chauffeur children twice a day. 

Neighborhood School. Low-ish test scores and 70% free lunch, but 1) close and 2) a teacher I know who used to work there RAVED about it when I asked. 

K-8 Option School. We would have to apply and get selected in a lottery, but I really like the idea of skipping the whole middle school thing. 

ALL of these options are good ones. I would be okay with my kid going to any of these schools. I am (was!) in the position of deciding which one would be BEST. 

SOOOOO. I pretty much thought St. Close was a given. I really did. It's a CATHOLIC SCHOOL TWO BLOCKS AWAY. How great is that! 

However! In order to get the parishioner rate we have to, you know, become parishioners. Phillip was SUPER not excited about switching churches. I was gung ho if I felt that St. Close was the right school for Jack. But I never felt strongly enough about it. And then I started doing the math and HOLY GEE Catholic school is expensive. For us it's in the realm of Affordable, But Say Goodbye To Your European Vacay In Three Years. And maybe I SHOULD say goodbye? But doing Other Stuff is kind of important to me and again, I just didn't feel STRONGLY enough about Catholic schools. I WISH I DID. Really! But FOR ME there are enough cons to my Catholic school choices to not make the $$$ worthwhile, especially since I'm not completely convinced that the academics are that much better. And even if they WERE... I don't know. 

Then I went to the open house for St. Far and yes, I was just there to find a reason to cross it off my list. I ADMIT IT. But for a while there I was SUPER IMPRESSED and ready to sell a kidney and start up a carpool and everything. Loved it! Loved everything! Until I visited the kindergarten classroom and saw a sad dreary room filled with very quiet five-year-olds sitting in rows practicing handwriting... and, well, I am the woman upset because my kid is not getting to paint in preschool. HE BETTER GET TO PAINT IN KINDERGARTEN. It just wasn't the kind of classroom I want for my kid's first year of Real School, which is really too bad because seriously, everything else was awesome. 

What I like (or think I like) about Catholic school: 

• It's churchy! Phillip and I have been loving the churchy stuff. Jack has learned prayers and stories and all sorts of things that we just find PRECIOUS and WONDERFUL.
• Small community of super involved (and, as far as I can tell, super cool) parents.
• They aren't doing some of the curriculum things my mother, aka Professional Teacher Consultant Person, disapproves of in public schools.  
• I like the idea of being part of a church/school community

Things I don't like (or think I don't like) about Catholic school:

• All the fundraising. WHICH I WOULD DO. OBVS. But dude, I feel the pressure and I am only a half-committed Pre-K parent.
• It's PRIVATE. This connotes unpleasant things for me. St. Close is better than St. Far, as St. Far is in a wealthy neighborhood, but still. Diversity means a lot of things. 
• Only one class per grade (at these two schools at least) so you're with the same group of kids up to 8th grade and no option for another teacher.
• (Which means the same group of parents. HRRMM.)
• Sending three kids to Catholic school would probably require me working full time. Aaaaand, I don't know about that.

SO! Let's look at the public schools!

Well, Ursula The Neighbor went to the option school open house and found out that 1) it is fabulous and we totally want our kids to go there except 2) they probably can't because the school board just passed a measure, like, THE NIGHT BEFORE, saying that the second tie breaker in the lottery (after siblings) is living within a certain distance from the school. We are out of range. So the option schools are, as far as I can tell, essentially neighborhood schools. YAY OPTIONS!

Which leaves the neighborhood school. The one I know the least about. 

A friend's husband taught there for a few years and he seriously had nothing but wonderful things to say about it. About the principal and the other teachers and what resources they have BECAUSE they have a high free lunch percentage and oh yeah he would totally send his kids there. That said a lot to me. 

(Also full day kindergarten is free when the free lunch thing is so high. Score.)

I THINK I AM OKAY WITH THIS. I think what I mostly feel is some sort of disappointment in myself for not making the effort for Catholic school. I feel like I SHOULD be making the effort. I am, after all, an Involved Catholic Parent, so I should be doing The Right Thing and sending my kid to Catholic school. I'm not sure WHY I don't feel strongly BUT I JUST DON'T. Blargh!

Maybe it's because Phillip and I are regular ole public school graduates with an above average interest in Church and PLENTY of people who went to Catholic school are no longer Catholic. So it's not that I think Catholic school is going to make or keep my kids Catholic. It's abundantly clear to me that there are good teachers and bad at every school, so I'm not completely convinced about one school being better than the other. I think low test scores have more to say about economics. I think the likelihood of Classmates I'd Want My Kids To Be Friends With is probably higher at a Catholic school, but again, I'm not a big fan of Sheltering. (Maybe I should be? GAH. DON'T KNOW.)

We COULD swing it. We just... don't feel like we need to. I guess. Also, I've been totally sold on every option thus far, so I await the kindergarten open house at the neighborhood school with excitement. SELL ME, NEIGHBORHOOD SCHOOL!