My partner and I are trying to add a little spice to our serviceable but rather bland sex life.  Any suggestions?  Just keep in mind that we consider salt and pepper spices, so don’t be giving us hair-straightening Tabasco sauce suggestions!
–  Vanilla aching for flavor

Dear Vanilla:
Listen, you’re talking to the right guy.  My idea of kinky is having sex with a guy whose name I remember.  I called up my friend Robert Davolt, author of Painfully Obvious and asked him what lightweights like you and I could do to spice things up without scaring the hell out of ourselves.  Listen to Robert—he is to BDSM what Michael Jackson is to NAMBLA—a recognized leader.  Here’s what he suggested:

Heat Play.   “A popular form of administering pain,” said Robert.  Basically, you drip candle wax on certain body parts or apply analgesic heat creams that athletes use.  A couple of cautions:  Minimize wax burns and welts by pouring from further away than you think (say, 8-12 inches from the skin). This gives the wax more time to cool before it hits the skin.  However, it does increase the splatter factor.  Robert thinks about all the angles, that’s why I love him.  He also warns that different colors and scents will cause candles to melt at different temperatures, so test it out on yourself first.

Beware of using heat creams because they could cause chemical burns or rashes if used incorrectly or if you’re unknowingly allergic to them. Try a small amount first and always have a cool, wet rag handy to wipe away.

Hood Ornaments
Hoods provide a blank canvas for the imagination. Put it on before the action begins and you can become another person.  It also heightens the mystery for your partner.  If your loved one can’t see your facial expressions, it’ll leave them with a tingling curiosity.  “What’s he thinking?”  “What’s he feeling?”

One or both partners can wear leather, rubber or spandex hoods. Just make sure that it’s comfortable for a reasonable amount of time and allows for unobstructed breathing. Some hoods restrict vision as well.  Safety suggestion: Both partners should be able to breathe and at least one partner should be able to see clearly, if for no other reason than to suck off the guy you’re hooded partner doesn’t know is there.

For the full article click here.

I just moved here and can’t believe how juvenile guys are about HIV. I’m quite up-front about my status and I choose to let it come out in the natural course of getting to know a guy. Granted, after living through the crisis since the beginning (nearly 19 years now) I have seen a lot, and I find myself getting all pissed off at an increasingly visible trend of sexual discrimination.

What is up with so many guys advertising their HIV-negative status in discriminatory terms like “HIV Neg- UB2,” or “D&D Free for Same,” and lots of other senseless statements in the same vein? What would they do DIFFERENTLY if they DIDN’T know my status right up front? And since when does the word “CLEAN” refer to absence of HIV??? YIKES!

I see it constantly in M4M4sex.com and other hookup sites – much less so on the more networking-oriented such as Bigmuscle.com.
 
 I have the fortunate distinction of having remained perfectly healthy and have no outwardly visible characteristics of long-term survival, which seems to land me in a strange pool. I’m confident I’ll continue to live a healthy, varied and happy life – which I’d love to share with a partner.  But let me tell ya, seeing this trend has started to make me react into only trusting HIV-positive men.

 So my question is, do you see our culture moving into an “us and them” environment where the HIV poz guys are increasingly shunned by those who THINK they’re negative or are simply afraid of what they don’t know?  Are my choices narrowing? Should I simply quit looking in this city and hunt instead for prospects in more progressive cities?

—  Healthy, Happy & Horny

Dear Healthy:
I’m with you.  There is something particularly offensive about the phrase   “Disease-Free.”  The connotation is that HIV positive guys don’t have a condition or even a disease but that they are in fact, Diseased.   Which sounds remarkably like “Deceased,” doesn’t it?

Yuck.  What’s really infuriating about this revolting insensitivity is that the guys writing it have HIV positive friends.  I mean, who doesn’t know somebody who’s HIV Positive?  Hint:  If you don’t it’s only because you’re so mean and judgmental your friends are afraid to tell you.

So there they are, these online insulters– friendly, caring and loving to HIV positive acquaintances, fellow workers, friends or best buddies and then get on websites and trash the very people they’re around during the day.  Fear can twist your psyche into a pretzel.

I don’t begrudge anyone their choices.  Negative guys do and should have the choice to date or not date someone who’s positive. Myself, I think that’s pretty fucking stupid.  You’re going to give up a hottie for a night or a potential soul mate for a lifetime because he’s got an EASILY AVOIDABLE, manageable condition?  Please.  My complaint desk is open only to legitimate gripes.

Still, no matter how idiotic a choice may be, you have to respect the right of people to make them.  What you don’t have to respect is the way they’re advertising those choices.  Is it really necessary to say, “disease-free UB2” when you could so easily say “Prefer HIV-?”

If we are ever going to be a community worth living in we need to respect opinions and choices, condemn slander and divisiveness and be open to changing our minds when the facts don’t support our conclusions.  Like the fact that no harm will come to you from dating or boinking positive guys if you practice safe sex.

As for you, your mistake isn’t in what you’re observing but in what you’re concluding.  Yes, people can be shockingly cruel and insensitive but most aren’t.  I don’t think you need to move to another city; I think you need to move to another mindset.  The one that says, “fuck you” to every insulting profile and “fuck me” to those that aren’t.

As an underpaid psychoanalyst, I thought you might be able to help us. After a month’s breakup last year due to infidelity on my part over a need to get some butt, my lover and I decided to give it another go. I told him I’d agree to a monogamous relationship if he’d learn to, er, uhm, take it like a man. I expressed my need to be the top occasionally and that I was not willing to live out the rest of my life without fucking someone every now and again. I feel our acts of love should be a free exchange of roles (top some; bottom some). He said he’d be willing to work with me on learning the pleasures of receiving. I was elated because I really love this guy.

So I moved back in and agreed to monogamy. It has been almost a year and I still haven’t gotten any. We talk about it some, to which he replies “Later,” and I occasionally ease my finger up his arse when we make love, but he is adamant about not going any farther. He says he just doesn’t get the pleasure I do out of being penetrated. Hmmm. Frustration is setting in and my eye is wandering. Frankly, I’m afraid I might end up cheating on him again. Maybe I was a bit foolish thinking he would change. And, maybe I’m a bit foolish even bringing this up as a point of contention in an otherwise perfect relationship. For the sake of love, do I just give up my need to top?

As an underpaid psychoanalyst, I thought you might be able to help us.  After a month’s breakup last year due to infidelity on my part over a need to get some butt, my lover and I decided to give it another go.  I told him I’d agree to a monogamous relationship if he’d learn to, er, uhm, take it like a man.  I expressed my need to be the top occasionally and that I was not willing to live out the rest of my life without fucking someone every now and again. I feel our acts of love should be a free exchange of roles (top some; bottom
some).  He said he’d be willing to work with me on learning the pleasures of receiving.  I was elated because I really love this guy.

So I moved back in and agreed to monogamy.  It has been almost a year and I still haven’t gotten any.  We talk about it some, to which he replies “Later,” and I occasionally ease my
finger up his arse when we make love, but he is adamant about not going any farther.  He says he just doesn’t get the pleasure I do out of being penetrated.  Hmmm.  Frustration is setting in and my eye is
wandering.  Frankly, I’m afraid I might end up cheating on him again.  Maybe I was a bit foolish thinking he would change.  And, maybe I’m a bit foolish even bringing this up as
a point of contention in an otherwise perfect
relationship.  For the sake of love, do I just give up my need to top?

– Need Anal Penetration

Dear Need Anal:
Your desire for reciprocity is understandable; your tactics are not.  Basically, you’re engaging in sexual blackmail (“If you don’t give me what I want I’ll get it from someone who will”).

Try this instead:  Acknowledge that he’ll be trying for your sake, not his, and that it means the world to you. It’s a lot harder to say no to a loving request than an angry demand.

Great lovers do things for each other in bed simply because the other one wants to.  They may not necessarily like the act but they get pleasure out of their partner’s pleasure and that’s the aim here—not just for you to get what you want, but for him to experience how much it excites you.  Remember, love means never having to say “I’m sorry I won’t do that.”

Here’s what you need to do:

•    Offer a “no pain” contract.  Lovers may owe each other the gift of their bodies but not if it causes physical pain.  Just as he is obliged to do things he might not like you are obliged to do things that won’t hurt.

•    Let your tongue do the talking.  A soft, warm, moist tongue will help him experience the anal area as a source of pleasure.  You can’t hurt anybody with a tongue.

•    Let Your Fingers Do the Walking.  Circle his perineum and sphincter with a well-lubricated finger in the gentlest way possible.  Do this for several sessions without actually entering him.  When he gets used to it then enter s-l-o-w-l-y while blowing or manually stimulating his penis (you want to associate erections with the anal area).

•    Let the Toys Do the Tilling. Graduate to a small, then average dildo.  When he’s ready, get a toy about your size.  By the time you enter him with the real stick he’ll have no problems.

•    Let him do the talking.  Ask him to do a running commentary so you know what’s too hard, too much, too fast, too whatever, etc.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that what feels good to you is going to feel good to him.

•    Let Yourself do the Moaning.  Moan, grunt, smile and sigh.  Remember, this is about him getting pleasure out of your pleasure so show it.

Click here for more on how to gay sex

–  Confused

Dear Confused:

You’re right; they’re wrong.  The average volume of semen spurting out of us is between half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon.  Crazy, isn’t it?  You’d think it’d be more than that.   Obviously, you can test it by ejaculating into a cup and pour it into a measuring spoon, but if you don’t want to go through the trouble, do this:  Take a teaspoon (use a measuring spoon, not an ordinary teaspoon) and fill it with milk.  Then tip the teaspoon into your cupped hand.  Amazing, isn’t it?  It really is more than the average guy’s load.

So, what influences the size of the load?  There’s only one thing, and it ain’t what you eat or how much you drink.  It’s the length of time since your last ejaculation.

By the way, swallowing will not make you fat.  There’s only about 6-12 calories in the average load.  And forget that urban legend about semen having as much protein as a pork chop.  Take a look at the score:  Semen—less than half a gram.  Pork chop:  24 grams.

Semen may be produced out of it, but it can’t beat the meat.

–  Aspiring Slut

Dear Aspiring:

You must be joking.  You’re as wrong as pumps at a leather bar.  Do the math and you’ll see what I mean.  Let’s say you weigh 160 pounds.  You’d burn 18 calories while engaging in 10 minutes of foreplay and 102 calories with 20 minutes of intercourse (a ridiculous figure since most guys last an average of 5 minutes when they’re topping).

Even, so compare how many calories you’d burn:

30 minutes of sex:  120 calories

30 minutes of running:  307 calories

30 minutes of aerobics: 254

30 minutes of weightlifting: 220

There are other advantages to working out or playing sports, soup-for-brains.  Last time I heard you can’t get syphilis from softball, crabs from croquet or genital warts from weightlifting.

If you go against my advice and pick sexercising over exercising, you can maximize the calorie burn by picking the right activity.  Here’s a helpful chart:

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner’s consent:  10 calories

Without partner’s consent:  300 calories

UNZIPPING PANTS

Using two calm hands:  4 calories

Using one trembling hand:  10 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner:  5 calories

Dragging partner along floor:  100 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With experience:  4 calories

Without experience:  60 calories

With erection:  2 calories

Without erection:  200 calories

ORGASM

Real:  35 calories

Faked:  150 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Facial expression didn’t change:  1 calorie

Shoes flew off:  100 calories

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion:  30 calories

Sex after you’ve called in sick:  20 calories

Bonking each other with parents in other room:  25 calories

GETTING CAUGHT

By your spouse:  150 calories

By partner’s spouse:  60 calories

Trying to explain:  50 calories

Leaping out of bed:  100 calories

Getting dressed in one motion:  500 calories

What do you think are the most important things to know about giving good head?

–  wondering

The most important thing about giving head?  The person you’re giving it to!  I mean, really.   You don’t want to waste good technique on a guy with a face that could stop a clock.

The three most important factors in giving the kind of head that guys write their moms about is 1) saliva, 2) saliva, and 3) saliva.

If you don’t have a sour apple or hard candy, the best way to make your mouth water is to visualize biting into a lemon.  Notice the saliva?   It’s your body’s way of fighting off the acidity in the mouth (by diluting it).

The next most important thing is your hand.   You need to give men four things to make their eyes roll to the back of their head:  Friction, pressure, speed and lubrication.

So use your hand as an extension of your mouth.  Do this:  Make a fist and punch yourself in the chest.  Your knuckles should be touching your chest, with your thumb facing towards you.  That’s your starting position.  With your hand in that position twist/stroke on the way down and stroke/twist on the way up.  You’re basically doing a corkscrew motion as you wet him with a constant stream of saliva. Your mouth may give you speed but it doesn’t give you pressure.  That’s what the hand is for.  Then you’ll be faced with the eternal question:  spit or swallow.  It’s the kind of dilemma nobody minds.

I went home with a guy I wasn’t all that attracted to. Things changed when we got to his bedroom. And this was before the pants came off! The room was just the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Everything about it oozed sensuality. Our encounter was a one-nighter so I can’t remember much of the room, plus I was wearing, uhm, beer goggles that night. My question: How do I sex up my bedroom without sinking into James Bond clichés?

– Bedroom eyes

Dear Bedroom Eyes:
A sexy bedroom pulsates with passion. It should fill your partner’s heels with helium the minute he enters the room. Here are a few hints to get the helium pumping:

Lighting
Remember, beauty is only a light switch away. So invest in some dimmer switches and track lighting. If you’re too cheap or lazy here’s a great little trick: Put your bedside lamps on the floor. The uplighting gives off a nice glow. Or put a dark towel on top of the lamps. It’ll soften the light and add a bit of color.

Of course, you don’t want to ignore the lighting voted most likely to get you laid: Candles. They create a warm, inviting & sensual ambiance. Use lots of reds (stands for sexual attraction, passion and love) and whites (stand for personal power and romance). Adding a fire element invokes passion and desire. Plus, it’ll help hide those unsightly zits.

Bedspread
The bedspread is probably the most important visual element because it takes up so much space. I don’t know how many times my dates red-lined my engine in the living room and then stalled it when I saw some hideous Laura-Ashley I’m-a-pussy-more-interested-in-pumps-than-pumping eyesore. Stick to muted colors. The only loud things you want in the bedroom are the screams.

Pillows
They evoke wonderful feelings—from playful (pillow-fights) to sensual (you can sink into great sensations). Make them fluffy with all kinds of forms and textures and sizes. Everyone looks sexy propped against a mountain of soft, comfy pillows. You can also try “Secret Stash Pillows.” They’ve got a secret pocket inside to stash your favorite sex toys.

Bed Linen
Sexy bed sheets are to a bedroom what an engine is to a car. You ain’t going nowhere without some horsepower. Look for AT LEAST 300 thread count (simply the number of threads per square inch of fabric). Silk and satin feel awesome against your skin but they do slide around and good luck getting the stains out. Try flannel sheets—they’re cuddly and warm. Or try mixing bedding textures. Like silk sheets with a satin pillow and a flannel blanket. Don’t keep your bed the same all the time. Mix it up so you’re always experiencing something new and exciting.

Make sure your sheets have manscent all over them. Add some drops of your favorite aromatherapy oil to the softener section of your washing machine. Or spray your sheets with a sheet scent spray like ‘Smooth as Velvet’. Or sprinkle some “Kama Sutra Honey Dust” on them. They absorb perspiration, smell wonderful, and won’t get sticky.

The Bed Itself
Add a romantic canopy or tent to your bed, even if it isn’t a four-poster bed. It ain’t that expensive if you DIY.

Music
Besides lighting, nothing creates an atmosphere and maintains the mood more than music. Make sure the stereo, not just the speakers, is in the bedroom. Nothing worse than leaving the room to change the CD. Unless, it’s to do the guy in the second bedroom.

Kick your romance quotient up a notch or two by burning your own playlist. If you want to go classical, you can’t go wrong with Making Out to Mozart or Shacking Up to Chopin. If you want something more contemporary then any of the ultra-chill cd’s will do. My favorites: Zero 7 and anything by the DJ Miguel Migs. That man’s music can unlock the toughest chastity belts.

My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do.  It’s a constant source of conflict.  He feels rejected and I feel harassed.   Lately, I’ve been so frustrated I’ve taken to yelling at him to leave me alone.  I know that’s wrong but I need some guidance here.  What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?

–  Tired of it

Dear Tired of It:

Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.

The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind.  If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings.  Here’s how:

1.  Be affectionate.  When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face.  The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (usually because they’re afraid their high-desire partner will interpret that as a sign you want to fuck).  But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.

2.  Postpone, don’t reject.  Never say no without saying when.  A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.

But what if he won’t take no for an answer?  Pattern Interrupt.  You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t.  Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO.  And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.”  Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them.  The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?”  And then tell your boyfriend the answer.

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