I went home with a guy I wasn’t all that attracted to. Things changed when we got to his bedroom. And this was before the pants came off! The room was just the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Everything about it oozed sensuality. Our encounter was a one-nighter so I can’t remember much of the room, plus I was wearing, uhm, beer goggles that night. My question: How do I sex up my bedroom without sinking into James Bond clichés?

– Bedroom eyes

Dear Bedroom Eyes:
A sexy bedroom pulsates with passion. It should fill your partner’s heels with helium the minute he enters the room. Here are a few hints to get the helium pumping:

Lighting
Remember, beauty is only a light switch away. So invest in some dimmer switches and track lighting. If you’re too cheap or lazy here’s a great little trick: Put your bedside lamps on the floor. The uplighting gives off a nice glow. Or put a dark towel on top of the lamps. It’ll soften the light and add a bit of color.

Of course, you don’t want to ignore the lighting voted most likely to get you laid: Candles. They create a warm, inviting & sensual ambiance. Use lots of reds (stands for sexual attraction, passion and love) and whites (stand for personal power and romance). Adding a fire element invokes passion and desire. Plus, it’ll help hide those unsightly zits.

Bedspread
The bedspread is probably the most important visual element because it takes up so much space. I don’t know how many times my dates red-lined my engine in the living room and then stalled it when I saw some hideous Laura-Ashley I’m-a-pussy-more-interested-in-pumps-than-pumping eyesore. Stick to muted colors. The only loud things you want in the bedroom are the screams.

Pillows
They evoke wonderful feelings—from playful (pillow-fights) to sensual (you can sink into great sensations). Make them fluffy with all kinds of forms and textures and sizes. Everyone looks sexy propped against a mountain of soft, comfy pillows. You can also try “Secret Stash Pillows.” They’ve got a secret pocket inside to stash your favorite sex toys.

Bed Linen
Sexy bed sheets are to a bedroom what an engine is to a car. You ain’t going nowhere without some horsepower. Look for AT LEAST 300 thread count (simply the number of threads per square inch of fabric). Silk and satin feel awesome against your skin but they do slide around and good luck getting the stains out. Try flannel sheets—they’re cuddly and warm. Or try mixing bedding textures. Like silk sheets with a satin pillow and a flannel blanket. Don’t keep your bed the same all the time. Mix it up so you’re always experiencing something new and exciting.

Make sure your sheets have manscent all over them. Add some drops of your favorite aromatherapy oil to the softener section of your washing machine. Or spray your sheets with a sheet scent spray like ‘Smooth as Velvet’. Or sprinkle some “Kama Sutra Honey Dust” on them. They absorb perspiration, smell wonderful, and won’t get sticky.

The Bed Itself
Add a romantic canopy or tent to your bed, even if it isn’t a four-poster bed. It ain’t that expensive if you DIY.

Music
Besides lighting, nothing creates an atmosphere and maintains the mood more than music. Make sure the stereo, not just the speakers, is in the bedroom. Nothing worse than leaving the room to change the CD. Unless, it’s to do the guy in the second bedroom.

Kick your romance quotient up a notch or two by burning your own playlist. If you want to go classical, you can’t go wrong with Making Out to Mozart or Shacking Up to Chopin. If you want something more contemporary then any of the ultra-chill cd’s will do. My favorites: Zero 7 and anything by the DJ Miguel Migs. That man’s music can unlock the toughest chastity belts.

My boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than I do.  It’s a constant source of conflict.  He feels rejected and I feel harassed.   Lately, I’ve been so frustrated I’ve taken to yelling at him to leave me alone.  I know that’s wrong but I need some guidance here.  What’s the best way of saying NO when his zipper’s saying yes?

–  Tired of it

Dear Tired of It:

Mismatched libidos is the most common sexual problem between couples.

The first thing to remember is that you have the right to say no, buy you also have the obligation to be kind.  If you want him to respect your wishes then be respectful of his feelings.  Here’s how:

1.  Be affectionate.  When he comes at you waving his hoo-ha, draw him closer, hold his hand, caress his face.  The biggest mistake “low desire” partners make is in withholding affection (usually because they’re afraid their high-desire partner will interpret that as a sign you want to fuck).  But by withholding affection you’re making the rejection that much more painful.

2.  Postpone, don’t reject.  Never say no without saying when.  A postponement is easier to take than a rejection.

But what if he won’t take no for an answer?  Pattern Interrupt.  You sit up, hold his hand and say, “Honey I understand you want to have sex but I don’t.  Please respect what I’m saying to you.” If you’re boyfriend is a half-way decent guy, you’ll only have to do that once or twice before it sinks in that NO means NO.  And if he’s not a halfway-decent guy you need to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

At the same time, you need to learn how to say “maybe.”  Studies show that once “low desire” partners start having sex you can’t wipe the smile off them.  The challenge is in the start, not the finish. So ask yourself “if I were going to have sex how would I want to be touched and kissed to make it happen?”  And then tell your boyfriend the answer.

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I want to surprise my boyfriend for our one-year anniversary with a sex-related but fairly tame gift.  He’s as vanilla as they come so I can’t be doing anything raunchy.  Any suggestions?

–  Gift guesser

Dear Guesser:

Vanilla, you say?  I suppose that leaves out any products from Divine Interventions.  They’re the folks who put out what most wouldn’t dare put in—dildoes in the shape of religious figures.

Yes, they sell everything from Baby Jesus Butt plugs (in marbled green or a helpful glow in the dark white) to the Moses Dildo (helps part the pink sea).  If you’re into religious obscenity then this is the place to shop till you drop:

I can’t begin to count how many HIV+ people I know who were denied drug assistance from AIDS services organizations (ASO) because their income was literally as little as a few dollars over the cutoff for financial aid.  Even if you are on disability, or working at a job that pays minimum wages but provides no health coverage, you may still not qualify for assistance in obtaining your necessary medications because, according to the government (city, county, state or federal — take your pick), you are seen as gainfully employed or with adequate income.  However, disability often puts you at a fixed income level for life and the minimum wage is not enough to live on.  What are you supposed to do when the apartment you rented 4 years ago for $525.00 a month is now renting for $750.00 per month?

While your suspicions that  “Feeling Helpless” couldn’t get help because he didn’t provide proper documentation may be accurate, please remember that thousands of HIV+ men, women and children are denied assistance every day in this country because of corporate politics, outmoded financial requirements and critical funding shortages.  “Feeling Helpless” may fall into that group of pozzies.

–  Been there myself

Dear Been There:
Thank you for showing my readers just how ‘manageable’ that “manageable condition” can be.

You’re right about all the obstacles people face in getting meds but wrong about who you’re blaming.  When it comes to who gets help and who doesn’t, AIDS Service organizations (ASOs) don’t make the rules; they follow them.  The rule-makers are the state and federal governments.

Example:  If the state of Georgia sets the poverty line for a single individual at $27,600 (which it does) and you make $27,650 then good luck trying to get AID Atlanta to help you.  They’d endanger their government funding and end up unable to help anyone.

ASOs do have ways of helping people who are above the government’s “poverty line” (Emergency rent services, for example, and in limited cases, providing free meds through the AIDS Drug Assistance Program).  But the truth is, you and your “manageable condition” are fucked if you make too much money to qualify for assistance but not enough to afford insurance.

You’re pretty fucked even if you do have health insurance since YOU are responsible for the HIV med co-pays, which can run $50-$100 per med.  If you’re taking 3 or 4 meds, that’s up to $400 a month just in co-pays, let alone the overall insurance premium.

Bottom line:  Getting infected with HIV may not be a death sentence but trying to get the meds will make you die a thousand deaths.

To maximize your chances at getting help do this:

1.    Provide all the documentation asked for (like your HIV status, income, etc.)
2.    Keep your appointments and do what the case worker says
3.    If you make more than the government’s limits but can’t afford insurance ask the caseworker for guidance.
4.    If your caseworker isn’t helpful, ask for another one.
5.    If your caseworker doesn’t mention them, specifically ask for the AIDS Drug Assistance Program or Emergency Assistance Funds.

– Online Onlooker

Dear Onlooker:
Well, they’re either that stupid or the cheating boyfriends are that cunning. I’m a smart guy and I’ve been hoodwinked once or twice by a stud or two. I swear, this one guy, he was such a cheatin’ man, when I kissed him I had to count my teeth.

Today’s technology gives Men Behaving Badly a new way to misbehave. With GrindR and Manhunt’s mobile service, boyfriends can REALLY stray under the radar.

Technology always has a good side/bad side aspect to it. The Good: Single guys don’t have to be chained to their computer to meet guys online. The Bad: Married guys don’t have to be, either.

But, uhm, what if you want trouble?

Here’s the full story:

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This boorish trick came by on a Sunday afternoon.  What a clod.  He was dressed and headed for the door before the cum had even begun to coagulate on the sheets.  I mean, hold me for God’s sakes!  He was up and standing right away, and I’m like, please, relax on the bed, let me get you a warm towel, you know?  And besides, you’re dripping on the hardwoods.   So my question is, how do you get a trick to just stay put long enough to have some post-coital snuggling?  I don’t want to marry the guy, I just want to be held and do some playful touching.

—     Touch & Go

Dear Touch:
I’m right there with you, babe.  There’s something so delicious about holding a man after sex, to feel smothered by his body as your mind gently drifts and your body descends into a blissful peace and calm.  There’s nothing worse than a guy who comes and goes.

There’s really nothing you can do if he’s just a ship passing in the night.  There’s a period right after orgasm when a lot of guys like you and I feel vulnerable and want the warmth and intimacy you only get from cuddling after sex.  But you don’t discuss vulnerabilities with tricks.  The most you can do is what you did—invite him to stay for a pretzeled snooze.

If he doesn’t accept the invitation you need to be a champ and honor his decision without trying to talk him out of it.  Remember, one does not talk to tricks.  One moans, groans, points and spreads.  Heavy discussions about intimate needs?  That’s what brunch with straight girlfriends is for.

What is considered the “Male G-spot?”

a.    the prostate
b.    the frenulum
c.    The wallet

Where is the “Male G-spot?”

a.    A couple of inches inside the anus towards the navel
b.    A couple of inches inside the urethra towards the bladder
c.    A couple of inches inside the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog towards the underwear section

The main source of a man’s orgasmic pleasure is:

a.    pelvic floor muscle contractions
b.    release of semen
c.    Access to your boyfriend’s AMEX card

The two most important actions in giving manual or oral stimulation are:

a.    speed & friction
b.    Pressure & force
c.    Crate & Barrel

You can delay a man’s orgasm by:

a.    Gently tugging his scrotum sack away from his body
b.    Gently pushing his face into a rainbow flag pillow
c.    Slowing down the speed of his thrusts

You can help your man achieve stronger erections and more powerful orgasms by:

a.    Doing pelvic floor muscle exercises together
b.    Trying to climax together
c.    Faking yours

The most important combination for performing mind-blowing oral sex on a man is:

a.    Generating lots of saliva and using your hand as an extension of your mouth
b.    Using personal lubrication and re-creating his thrusting motions.
c.    Blindfolding him so he doesn’t see what you look like.

After sex, most men want to roll over and go to sleep because:

a.    sex depletes energy-producing glycogen from their muscles
b.    they’re not that interested in talking afterwards
c.    You didn’t turn into a pepperoni pizza.

Pushing a finger upwards on the perineum will press on what pleasure gland?

a.    the prostate
b.    the bladder
c.    The checkbook

When your man is about to orgasm you should:

a.    Keep doing what you’re doing
b.    Keep doing what you’re doing but put the magazine down
c.    Keep doing what you’re doing but speed it up and apply more friction

The best way to find out what your man likes in bed is to:

a.    Ask him
b.    Try different things and gage his reaction
c.    Try different things with his best friend and gage his reaction

The best thing you can do to make your man feel like a stud is to:

a.     Respond vocally and physically to what he’s doing.
b.    Be passive and let him take charge
c.    Pretend you’re not there

The best oral sex:
a.    Starts slowly and builds to a crescendo
b.    Ends by deep-throating
c.    Is a three-man job

SCORE!

Points:  a =3, b=0, c=0

0-12
Sit down.  We gotta talk.  If things don’t improve people will start thinking you’re straight.

13-25
Not bad.  But do you really want guys describing you as “Not bad in bed?”

26-39
Wow!  You’re a hormone with feet.  Congratulations!

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Confused, I clicked on his profile and the only picture there was of a humongous, erect, d*ck.  It took me a second, and then I just laughed and laughed!