Mike Bauman Is Pretty

Los Angeles Has a Boat

2012-02-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles has a boat. And a nice boat, too, not some tiny, leaky thing on which a billionaire and his wife inexplicably take a three hour tour, a strange action as I assume they would possess their own form of sea transportation. Anyway, the City of Los Angeles owns a yacht.

The city uses the 73-foot yacht for harbor tours which it offers free of charge. Yes, some of those who have taken advantage of the free tours are high school students and YWCA members, but the yacht is used mostly, presumably, by the connected, like city hall interns and country club snoots.

A nautically monumental waste of taxpayer funds? I don't think so. Sure, the muckity-mucks use this supposedly public resource for their own amusement, but the regular folks do as well. That's the case for all public assets - few people realize that the interstate highway system is closed down on weekends so that billionaires may use the roadways for gladiatorial contests between their servants.

Perhaps any outrage hurled at the rather unimaginatively named Angelena II is tossed for the opposite reason - it's available for use by the common Angeleno. The public yacht may be used by the uppery crustiest of the upper crust, but that's their right. Ask any man sporting a top hat and a beard in 1883 and he'll tell you that the government exists mainly for his oral pleasure. It's a very new and very un-American idea to believe that government largesse should benefit the lower classes.

Exactly what purpose does taking poor inner city high school students out on a boat serve? If they learn of the presence of the ocean, a thing that exists 15 miles from their homes, they may begin to ask horribly inappropriate questions, like, "What lies 20 miles from our homes?"

We must nip this in the bud now. The sooner our impoverished youth learn that anything outside of their neighborhood is beyond their right of comprehension, the sooner we can get back to the proper order in this nation.

And while we're at it, enough with the healthy lunches in the Los Angeles Unified School District. If we don't fatten these kids up with cheeseburgers and pig anus tenders, where will we find contestants for the weekly Interstate 15 sumo matches?

The Incredibly Important Nevada Caucuses

2012-02-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

Forget the Iowa Caucuses or the New Hampshire Primary or the American Moon Base Laser Vote. Nevada is where everything happens. The Republican candidates are fighting for a share of 28 whole delegates! 28! That's 1% of the total delegates! Holy shit!

There are a lot of questions going into Nevada:

86% of Nevada Mormon Republicans say they will vote for Romney. Can he excommunicate the other 14%?

If Newt comes in third or fourth, will he take it out on the moon?

Who gets the all-important prostitute vote?

If an exit pollster asks a prostitute "May I exit poll you?" will he be surprised by her asking price?

If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, does that mean we won't get the vote tallies?

Was that Ron Paul I saw doing a matinee at the Bellagio?

How does Ron Paul maintain such a fantastic figure?

Will Rick Santorum suffer a stroke when he arrives at the Bunny Ranch having thought it was a home for fluffy rabbits?

Will this all be forgotten by Tuesday night's Colorado and Minnesota caucuses?

The answer to all of these questions is "who cares?" Romney's going to win. Simple as that. He probably wins everything before Super Tuesday and it's Gingrich-loving southern primaries.

If Newt comes in third or fourth, who cares? He's staying in until the convention, says he. More likely, he stays at least long enough to see if he can compete in the South.

If Ron Paul doesn't come in second here, where can he come in second? Again, who cares? He's a cranky old libertarian. They never shut up or go away, though I see no reference to television camera in the Constitution, so he probably shouldn't talk to them.

Rick Santorum. Who cares? He'll keep hating people whether he's running our not. Seriously, this week alone, he's yelled at homosexuals and sick children. I love this guy, in a strictly comedic way.

On with the show!

Misunderstanding Mitt Romney's Position on the Poor

2012-02-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

Over the next few days, a lot of people will bring up Mitt Romney's CNN interview in which he said, "I'm not concerned with the very poor. We have a safety net there." Many of your friends or co-workers or fellow prisoners will complain that Mitt Romney hates the poor. They will tell you that the American safety net should be called "Swiss safety net" because it's full of holes. And extremely smelly.

Firstly, the safety net is fantastic. Government assistance really does help the poor - it helps them remain poor. But a claim that Mitt Romney hates the poor is a hugely misguided assertion. These people are projecting their class bias upon Romney.

Mitt Romney has a different definition of "poor" than do we. To Romney, "poor" means people earning between $1.5 million and $25 million per year. Can anyone honestly profess that these millionaires don't have an ample safety net, usually in the form of Swiss bank accounts (which are not full of holes but still slightly smelly)?

What we should be more troubled by is what Romney says later in the interview: "I'm not concerned about the very rich." Mitt Romney is no longer concerned with himself. Is he depressed? Is this because Newt Gingrich didn't call to congratulate Mitt for his Florida victory? Please, someone keep an eye on him.

The Democrats are forever yammering on about the plight of the poor. It's about time we worried about rich people's problems, too. President Obama will tell you that the government should help the nation's poor attain food, but he's engaging in the worst kind of class warfare if he doesn't also develop a plan to help the nation's wealthy attain massive yachts.

The Worst Debate Yet

2012-01-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Wolf Blitzer, for getting to the heart of the Presidential race. Who cares that Mitt Romney wants to start a trade war with China? Forget about Newt Gingrich wanting to hand over space exploration to private entities. And let's not bother with Rick Santorum's philosophy of "the government's only place is in your bedroom." I'd rather hear about wives and personal attacks.

Did Blitzer ask anything of substance? He seemed to spend the entire evening trying to get Romney and Gingrich to fight over the content of their political ads. Luckily, when he was done with the fighting, he asked the most important question of the night: Which one of your wives will make the best first lady?

Unfortunately, the debate ran out of time after that query. Hopefully, at the next CNN debate...oh yes, I said next. CNN still has debates on February 22 and March 1. Fuck. Anyway, hopefully Wolf will get a chance to ask his vital, probing follow-up questions, like:

Whose kids are the best looking?
Which candidate has the nicest hair?
What is your favorite salad dressing?
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Who would you rather: me or Chuck Todd?

With more debates on the way, I'm sure these pressing issues will be addressed. Sadly, there just won't be time for trivial questions such as "How can you, with straight faces, say global warming isn't happening? Each candidate gets ten minutes to answer. At any time during an answer, if I feel that the candidate is spouting pure bullshit, I will instruct this homeless polar bear to piss directly into that candidate's mouth."

I wish the Republican race would come to a conclusion so we can get to the general election debates. How can we make an educated choice until we also learn which of the Three Stooges is Obama's favorite?

The State of Our Union Is Boned

2012-01-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

Due to a totally unavoidable night of pub trivia (2nd place, but am I really expected to know the songs of Crystal Gayle?), I didn't get to watch the State of the Union live. Instead, I get to watch it over breakfast. Ususally, my morning meal consists of a bagel, banana, and coffee. Today, I also get a side of insufferable bullshit. There goes my diet.

We begin with a shout out to the troops and the fact that combat operations have ended in Iraq. Rick Perry cannot have liked that (remember that he wants to re-invade).

"For the first time in two decades, Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country." Is Obama really trying to take credit for that? He's a Democrat! Democrats can't do military things. It's a fact! The only logical conclusion is that the death of bin Laden must be attributed to "residual Bush."

If we're going to talk about how great the country was in the 1950's and 60's, the G.I. bill, and all the other success of the past, we can't not talk about the top tax rate being 91% then and 35% now. No discussion of "American Exceptionalism" is valid without talk of raising taxes. Newt Gingrich wants to go back to the moon. Good luck with that with a 0% capital gains rate.

Once again, Obama is blaming Bush for destroying the economy. Just because four million jobs were lost before you became President doesn't mean it wasn't your fault! Also, thanks a lot for screwing up Vietnam and the Oregon boundary, Obama.

A shot of Tim Geithner in the audience. Until Obama fires that buttface, I can't take anything he says about the economy seriously. Read Confidence Men and you'll soon advocate putting a picture of Geithner in every American urinal.

A decent amount of Republicans don't applaud GM being the top car maker. They follow by not applauding proposed corporate tax cuts. A shot of Eric Cantor should have the thought balloon, "That guy's stealing our moves. Why are black guys always stealing things?"

"Our workers are the most productive on Earth." Really? Did you know, and this is true because Rush Limbaugh told me this as we urinated on our golf caddies, that under union rules, American workers are only allowed to work 3 minutes a day while being paid for 27 hours?

Is it me or when Obama talks about putting people back to work, the applause from the Democrats becomes less vociferous? Lazy liberals.

Onto education reform. Obama wants to give teachers "flexibility." Wrong. Our schools should be teaching three things: abstinence, America is great, and creationism. Did Jesus talk about math or science in the Bible? No! Leave that science and math crap to those Godless commie Chinese.

Woah! All students should be forced to stay in school until they graduate or turn 18? How will 13 year-olds find time to work? This is America, the land of freedom, including the freedom to not go to school.

Obama could say "Eric Cantor has a huge penis and knows how to please a woman" and Eric Cantor wouldn't applaud.

"We have a supply of natural gas that could last us 100 years. And that's just from Paul Ryan's mouth. Just kidding, buddy. Love ya!"

"I will not walk away from the promise of clean energy," says Obama. "Fine. Then we'll pull you away kicking and screaming," says Darrell Issa.

And again, he talks about the heyday of infrastructure projects without proposing the corresponding taxes.

Obama wants to end the practice of companies signing up Americans for products they can't afford. He wants that to remain the sole purview of the federal government.

My favorite bit: taxes! What's better than proposing a tax increase on the top 2% of earners? Proposing it with a big grin on your face while staring at Republicans.

If members of Congress can't engage in insider trading, how can they gain the expertise needed to regulate it? Boom!

It took nearly an hour to get to foreign policy. Pat Buchanan was almost getting comfortable.

A "peaceful" resolution with Iran? Way to take all the fun out of life. Declaring America a Pacific power? Welcome to 1898.

A whole ton of Democrats don't clap for "Anyone who tells you that America is in decline or our influence has waned doesn't know what they're talking about." Holy shit! Nice job, fuckholes.

And cooperation blah, blah, blah. Please don't cooperate. It puts me out of business.

That's it. Once again, Obama fails to say anything of substance or propose anything of any use. His only advantage is that any potential Republican opponent is a douchebag of immense proportions. Blah.

A GOP Debate? What a Rare Treat!

2012-01-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 23, 2012, will long be remembered as the day the Republican presidential candidates debated. Wait, when was that again?

It was so highly valued as a news event that us west coasters were given the option of watching a jumpy live webstream or wait three hours and watch it in prime time. For those of you who were distressed on my behalf, you can relax - I did indeed get to watch Two Broke Girls.

As always, here are my thoughts from watching it live, best described as "the incoherent nonsense I tweeted."

After berating Tim Thomas for mixing hockey and politics, I'm switching off Red Wings-Blues in favor of the #FLdebate.

Newt already has his first answer prepared: "How dare you, Brian Williams, you fucking shitbag?"

"Hey Gingrich, do you see a frigging R in my last name? I will cut you." - Zombie George Washington

Gingrich: "It was entirely my choice to be forced out of Congress."

Gingrich: "Mitt says more false things than I've had wives."

One shot of scotch for every five minutes before an issue is discussed. [editor's note: you would have enjoyed three shots.]

Santorum: The only time this was only a two-person race when I won Iowa.

Is Santorum declaring himself King of the 2006 Losers?

Romney to release his tax returns on golden tablets buried in Upstate New York.

Proposed line for Romney: "I will apologize for my success when Newt apologizes for being a shit Congressman."

Shut up, Mitt Romney! People should pay $25,000/month for historians! #IHaveAUselessBAinHistory

Romney: "And I should know about doing a lot of bad to a lot of people. Look at my business record."

Debate note: "Friend" is latin for "you fucking robot dickface."

Brian Williams: "Gentlemen, we've let this go because, holy crap, think of the ratings!"

The only current presidential candidate who can beat Barack Obama is Barack Obama.

Stimulating Houses is a new fetish reality show on TLC.

Obama at White House: "Nuts, now they're talking about the stuff I actually screwed up." #TimGeithnerIsAButtface

Brian Williams: And now may I have your reaction to Canadian PM Stephen Harper being murdered by a rogue moose?

Other world leaders going straight to hell: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong-un, Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg.

Newt Gingrich: "Americans have no desire to go to war." So the Bush administration was made up of Spaniards?

Romney: Obama's desire to get our troops out of harm's way shows how much he hates our troops.

When does Obama release his Kenyan tax returns?

George Stephanopoulos would have phrased that question as "Why are you all assholes? Huh? Mitt says you're a dick, Newt. Fight!"

If you can't take a little oil spill, then you have no right to be an American!

There are 200 languages spoken in Chicago, but they all sound silly when they say "sausage."

The most important part of the Dream Act is the provision that outlaws going to school in your underwear.

Romney: "As President, I will emulate George W Bush and pretend that not playing golf is a huge sacrifice for America."

Chicago Bulls are up by 14!!! I mean, um, yeah, totally watching the debate without distraction.

Brian Williams: "Senator Santorum, much like Terri Schiavo, NBC is on life support. Will you intervene?"

We should go back to the glory days of NASA funding. You know, back when the top marginal tax rate was 91%.

Newt Gingrich: "Next person to the moon gets a shiny quarter!"

Sorry, you only got your rocket into low-atmosphere orbit. You get a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni and a copy of our home game.

Romney: We conservatives have to have enough babies to outnumber the liberal babies.

Newt saying he helped develop supply-side economics is like me saying I'm the Blackhawks' goalie because I have 300-level tickets at the United Center.

Well, that's it for the debates. I'm kidding. Can you imagine a world without more debates? See you Thursday on CNN!

Tim Thomas, Constitutional Scholar

2012-01-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

The Boston Bruins were invited to the White House this morning to celebrate their 2011 Stanley Cup victory (for my America readers, that means hockey [for my American readers that's the thing on ice with toothless fellows]). Goalie Tim Thomas didn't attend.

Thomas issued this statement on his Facebook page:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.

This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.

Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.

Good for him. Hey, as long as we're respecting the wishes of founding fathers, perhaps Tim Thomas should emulate the founding goalies of hockey and not wear a protective mask.

Do They Want to Lose?

2012-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of President Obama promoting an easing of international tourism regulations while standing in front of Cinderella's Castle at Disney World.

The man Republicans accuse of being a king did a photo op in front of a castle. The man Republicans accuse of being an imperial president did a photo op in front of a castle. The man Republicans accuse of being an elitist did a photo op in front of a castle.

Whichever White House staffer set this up isn't qualified to be the deputy assistant spokesman for the Southeastern North Dakota Domesticated Pet Alligator Vasectomy Association. Luckily, no one in the Obama White House has to worry about a re-election campaign. Oh wait, everyone in the Obama White House has to worry about a re-election campaign.

Idiots.

Yet Another Fucking CNN GOP Debate

2012-01-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

It's time for some in-depth debate analysis. Nah, screw it. Newt won in the first five minutes.

I love gossipy giraffepoop as much as the next regular E! viewer, but who thought it was a good idea to start a presidential debate with "Mr. Gingrich, you're ex-wife says you a ho. Your thoughts?"

Who thought that was a good idea? Newt Gingrich. The only time anyone likes Newt is when he's angry in a debate. Every time he yells at a moderator, he gets one step closer to the White House. Last night's performance by CNN's John King seemed custom made to make Newt ruler of the universe.

Could this be what leads Gingrich to win the South Carolina primary? Or will he win because Mitt Romney loses?

Watching Mitt meltdown trying to defend not releasing his tax returns was breathtaking. Not releasing his returns is becoming less and less defensible, especially as Gingrich released his just as the debate began.

There must be some really embarrassing stuff in Mitt's mound of money matters. Newt's tax returns showed an income of $3,162,424 of which he paid $19,800 in alimony to his first wife.

What does Romney have in his cash closet that's more embarrassing than your total compensation to the wife you left for the wife you left being only .6% of your total income? I can only assume that Romney hunts humans for sports and deducts it as a charitable donation.

Whatever it is, Mitt Romney is making it clear that the details of his personal finances are more embarrassing than a second ex-wife announcing to the world that you favor open marriage.

The entertainment value can only grow from here.

My Fox News Republican Debate Thoughts

2012-01-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

Here are my initial brain poops from the Fox News Republican debate. Much of this comes from my Twitter feed. You can follow me at Mikey36012. (I only lost one follower during the debate. A new record!)

Five old white guys arguing. Happy Martin Luther King Day! What better way to celebrate the life of a the slain civil rights leader than a consortium of "wasn't life easier to comprehend before the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments" honkeys?

And by "honkeys," I mean "ofay fuckfaces."

Two minutes into the debate and my favorite candidate is Jon Huntsman because he's absent and silent.

Gingrich: "Mitt Romney shouldn't be president because Romney gets infections. I chase giraffes."

Romney: "You never want to see a company go bankrupt because you might also see my massive erection."

Perry: "I support Right to Work because I need that sign to find my way to the governor's mansion."

Santorum: "I've run a positive campaign. Unless you're gay. Or Muslim. Or foreign. Or not me."

Romney: "I have as much control over what a super PAC says as I do over my own circuitry."

As this debate is in Myrtle Beach, shouldn't Joe Francis get to ask a question? Candidates Gone Wild!

"Our first question from Twitter: which candidate is the biggest Belieber?"

Perry had a look that says, "Huh? In what state can minorities vote?"

Perry: "If Obama tries to come into South Carolina, I will point a fucking cannon at Fort Sumter myself."

Santorum: When you've been out of work for a long time, you lose skills. For example, since I've left the Senate, I've lost all ability to govern, make rational decisions, or articulate anything close to a rational argument.

Gingrich: "99 weeks is an associates degree. I assume the unemployed can afford the tuition."

Romney: "We have energy policy that doesn't exploit our natural resources. Luckily, we have a financial system that exploits everyone."

Romney: "My income tax records are too much for your puny minds to handle."

Ron Paul is advocating the elimination of the income tax. Do we go back to tariffs? Like the tariffs that led to the Nullification Crisis of 1832? Not a strong position to take in South Carolina.

Santorum: "Obama forces all black girls to get pregnant."

Gingrich: "It's more important that an 11-year old make money than learn to read."

"Who the fuck is this black guy who ain't Herman Cain? What? His name is Juan. Double plus ungood!" - the audience

Gingrich: "Food stamps are belittling because, frankly, poor people are puzzled by food."

Can we stop talking about race and ask about things that matter to white people, like jet skis and mayonnaise?

Foreign policy time! Now we can stop talking about race and start talking about blowing up brown people.

Ron Paul said "Saddam got hung" and Santorum started thinking about gay sex again.

If there's a state that loves Andrew Jackson, it's South Carolina. #NullificationCrisis #JohnCCalhoun

Romney: "Obama" negotiates with terrorists, but "we" got bin Laden.

Is Santorum arguing that Obama is too strong on terrorism?

Ron Paul is such a happy fellow. *giggle* *isolationism* *giggle* *destroy America* *giggle*

If this debate makes me miss any of the Betty White Birthday Special, I'm voting for Obama.

Is Rick Santorum having a stroke? He's not slurring speech so much as he's slurring morality.

Gingrich: "We can consolidate the 185 agencies covering poor people into one old white lady yelling 'Get a job, hippies!'"

Commercial break: "Did you vote for the union?" "No, did you?" "Nope. Let's give up our vacation and benefits!" "Hooray for dumb us!"

Once again, Santorum comes out in favor of the 10th Amendment, except when he disagrees with the state.

Gingrich: "I am anti-abortion unless what you want to abort is a marriage."

Romney: "It's outrageous that I can't take my ads off the air."

Did Rick Perry just challenge Obama to encourage more Mexicans to cross the border?

Gingrich: "No Child Left Behind is a failure because there's no forced slavery provision."

Fox News discussing Twitter's response to #scdebate. CNN currently polling CompuServe users.

Forget Twitter. What did eHarmony think of Mitt Romney?

I turned to CNN to find Anderson Cooper talking about breasts. I just watched five boobs for two hours. Enough!

A Statistical Message from Tim Tebow

2012-01-14T16:48:00.000-08:00

Everyone is going nuts after Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards in Denver's AFC Wild Card game victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Of course, 316 is thought to represent Tebow's favorite Bible verse, John 3:16 -

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Jesus, through his Earthly messenger Tebow, has told us through football statistics that all must follow Him. But was that his only message?

Tim Tebow played many games this season. Here are some of his other game passing stats with corresponding Bible verses:

October 9 versus San Diego: 79 yards
1 Corinthians 7:9 - But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion

October 30 versus Detroit: 172 yards
Revelation 17:2 - With her the kings of the earth committed adultery, and the inhabitants of the earth were intoxicated with the wine of her adulteries.

October 23 versus Miami: 161 yards
Judges 16:1 - One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her.

I argue that, throughout this season, Tim Tebow has been telling us to have sex. Lots of sex. Therefore, I submit that the verb "Tebow" should be a sex act. A complicated, nasty sex act.

To reiterate, TIM TEBOW WANTS YOU TO FUCK.

Rick Santorum Will Fight for Your Right to Have Uneducated Children

2012-01-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

Rick Santorum has a lot in his social conservative playbook. He's fervently pro-life. He opposes gay marriage (and three man marriage and man on dog marriage). The man is even anti-contraception. There's plenty of meat there for the traditional American Christian conservative.

All of the above is the standard fare one expects from the guy appealing to the Republican base. So where the balls did this come from? From the Wall Street Journal's Election 2012 blog:

Former Sen. Rick Santorum expanded his populist message into education Saturday, accusing President Barack Obama and others of “snobbery” for pushing all kids to go to college.

“We are leaving so many children behind,” Mr. Santorum said at a forum sponsored by the Atlantic, the National Journal and Saint Anselm College. “They’re not ready to go to [college.] They don’t want to go to college. They don’t need to go to college. I was so outraged that the President of the United States [said] every student should go to college.”

Rick Santorum is "outraged" that Barack Obama wants kids to go to college. Rick Santorum is "outraged" that Barack Obama wants kids to be educated. Rick Santorum "outraged" to the point of extreme frothiness.

It's certainly an interesting and ballsy position to take. Up until now, no candidate from any party has come out as the "stupidity as a right" candidate. Most presidential hopefuls include higher education as part of their concept of the American dream.

We are "leaving children behind" by sending them to college. They don't need college. The latest numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics will prove this right:

December 2011 unemployment rates:

Overall: 8.5%
Less than a high school diploma: 13.8%
High school graduates, no college: 8.7%
Some college or associates degree: 7.7%
Bachelor's degree or higher: 4.1%

Ok, maybe our kids have a better chance of employment with a college education, but that's not the point. The point is that Barack Obama is forcing children to go to college.

Oh, you thought that the President was simply dreaming of a future in which all children receive a higher education? Don't be so naive! Rick Santorum knows what's really happening - Barack Obama will force your children to go to college.

Not only will Barack HUSSEIN Obama force your kids to go to college, he's putting together groups, or "ed panels," that will choose which college your children will attend and what subject they shall study. This is just another attempt by Barack Hussein Obama bin Laden to tell us how to live.

Those Obamas always think they know what's best for our kids. Barack Obama wants Americans to have jobs, even though he's never had a job and has spent 98% of his presidency on vacation. Michelle Obama wants our kids to exercise and eat healthy foods, the chunky hypocrite.

It's my right as an American to raise FAT STUPID MISERABLE CHILDREN!

At least I think that's what Rick Santorum is saying.

Or he's just a fucking moron.

Happy New Election Year

2012-01-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, my little crinkle-cut store-brand chips! Welcome to 2012, the best kind of year - a presidential election year. One of the new things I love so achingly much this year is Politcio's Playbook series.

Magazines are, for the most part, dead. Celebrity rags and niche interest monthlies (I'm looking at you, Horse Illustrated) will continue, but as news sources, deader than Barney Frank's porn career.

It used to be that a Newsweek or a Time would put out a quarterly political synopsis during an election cycle. That takes money. Money to print a special, large issue that no one will buy anyway because they can't figure out how to jam it in their Kindles.

Politico has stepped in with Playbook 2012: The Right Fights Back, the first in a series of short ebooks chronicling the good bits of the 2012 presidential election. Playbook 2012 is full of the political gossip that makes people like me moister than Charlie Sheen's couch.

Michele Bachmann hates making fundraising phone calls, Tim Pawlenty would rather watch a hockey game than campaign, George W. Bush was ready to support Chris Christie, the Perry campaign thinks America is one big Texas, and Mitt Romney really is a robot. These are some of the juicy tidbits you'll find in Playbook 2012. You want substantive discussion of pressing issues? Go back to Russia, commie! In America, process reigns supreme.

Happy 2012! May your political shenanigans be extra shenanigany!

Also available for Nook and through iTunes.

Turn Your Presidential Campaign Cash Into Gold!

2011-12-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

The lovely people over at MSNBC's First Read (I'm talking about you, Mark Murray, you vixen) have some updated ad numbers from Iowa. Here's what that GOP presidential campaigns and legally-not-affiliated-but-really-affiliated PACs have been spending:

Rick Perry: $5.9 million
Mitt Romney: $5 million
Ron Paul: $2.8 million
Newt Gingrich: $1.2 million
Rick Santorum: $560,00
Michele Bachmann: $181,000
Jon Huntsman: Spent 99 cents on an mp3 copy of The Association's "Dubuque Blues."

That's a whole lot of money, especially for the all but one who will ultimately fail. Isn't there a better use for all this money?

Yes! According to the Washington Post, United States treasury bonds were a great investment in 2011. Bless you, Alexander Hamilton. U.S. debt even beat gold.

May I suggest, Rep. Bachmann, that you invest your campaign cash in treasuries? In 2011, you could have turned that $181,000 into well over $200,000 instead of what it will really become: occasional commentary on FOX News.

Let's Be Substantive and Stick to the Issues

2011-12-27T11:52:00.000-08:00

From CNN:

Leonard H. "Kip" Carter, a former close Gingrich friend, backed the contention that it was Newt Gingrich who wanted the divorce.

"He (Gingrich) said, 'You know and I know that she's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president,' " Carter, who now lives in South Carolina, told CNN recently, relating the conversation he had with Gingrich the day Gingrich revealed he was filing for divorce.

Newt Gingrich is old and ugly!

I'm sorry. We're supposed to focusing on substance here.

"Santorum" means anal froth.

Once again, I apologize.

Mitt Romney is a robot.

Mea culpa. Let's get back on track.

Obama would clone himself just so he could kiss his own bottom.

I have a problem.

Bah Humbug, Congress

2011-12-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the House, every freaking creature was stirring, complaining that the other side was anti-middle class.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of gift giving. As a political junkie, there was no better gift than the two month payroll tax cut extension fight. Now that lovely trinket has been taken away from me. Boo, Congress!

Who doesn't love a yuletide Congressional melee? Now we'll have to wait for a New Years imbroglio. Which may very well happen. And be a blast.

As you'll recall, Democrats and Republicans in Congress came together to compromise upon a two month extension of the payroll tax cut, a deal John Boehner was said to have signed-off on. When the Tea Party wing of the House Republican conference we're told of this, they had a nice little meaning with the Speaker in which they, to put it lightly, tore him a huge, new, gaping bumhole.

Then came the old-school Washington brilliance. Boehner is a classic politician, well-versed in the ways of the Capitol. You talk a big game at the beginning, then quietly work with the other party in the background, get a concession or two, pass the legislation, talk a big game.

The Tea Partiers are purposely not versed in the ways of the Capitol and would rather shit all over everything than compromise one hundredth of percent from their values. In other words, they prefer to be Dalek over human.

This is a conundrum for Boehner. He makes his background deal, as always, and expects to happily present the bill to his caucus. Not these days.

So poor Boehner had to go in front of the cameras and say that he'd never agreed to such a deal. He had his Tea Party attack dog, Eric Cantor, go on every news channel and declare anything less than a one year extension dead.

No compromise! And since there will be no compromise, members of Congress might as well fly home because this House won't be a rockin'.

As soon as the Tea Partiers were safely away from the building, Boehner and Harry Reid passed the two month extension through "unanimous consent." That means that the bill is passed without an up-or-down vote as long as no one stands up and objects. The beautiful bit is that unanimous consent only needs a few House members or Senators present. No Tea Partiers required.

Boom! Boehner gets his deal and the ability to say Republicans are all about tax cuts for the Middle Class. All is well with the world.

Until the House members come back after Christmas. Then John Boehner is fucked.

Why Liberals Have No Friends

2011-12-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Aren’t liberals nice people? They must be. Liberals espouse tolerance and inclusion and acceptance of others. How lovely. But disagree with a liberal on a single point and you’re the most worthless pile of shit in the history of inconsequential accumulations of feces.

Liberals don’t take kindly to deviation from their preferred orthodoxy. All must fall in line fully or face the great lefty wrath. The past week has seen two events that show that liberals give no quarter to those with whom they disagree. The first of these was the death of the essayist Christopher Hitchens.

I admired Christopher Hitchens for the same reasons I admire most of the people I admire: his intelligence, wit, erudition, facility of both the written and spoken word, and phenomenal consumption of alcohol. (You’ll find that I don’t admire myself for the same reasons, especially since this sentence contains both my fourth and fifth uses of conjugates of the verb “admire.”)

Christopher Hitchens was a very public Atheist. He spent a good deal of his life as a Communist. He enjoyed swearing. He found the greatest joy in verbally ripping an ideological opponent to polemical shreds. Hitchens was also an enthusiastic supporter of the invasion of Iraq.

Above I have stated four reasons why a liberal would love Christopher Hitchens and one reason a liberal would disagree with Hitch. Therefore, he was an evil man worthy of nothing but our derision and revulsion. In liberal mathematics, 4 – 1 = 0.

When Hitchens came out as a supporter of George W. Bush and his neocon pals’ War on Terror, it surprised, to put it mildly, the fuckbuttering shit out of many of us. His vociferous denunciation of what he popularly referred to as “Islamofascism” angered many people who had previously supported him. I’ll admit that completely disagreed with him, even as I understood that his fatwa, as it were, on Islam was a child of his greater hatred of organized religion.

When a public figure dies, we are given the opportunity to examine that person’s life as a whole, free from any future changes of heart. I was quite surprised how many of my liberal friends took the occasion of Hitch’s death to forget any common ground they may have had with him and instead focused vitriol upon the political positions of his last decade.

Yes, Hitchens’s embrace of what, ironically, could be called a crusade against Islam, carried out mostly by the evangelical Christians he spent a lifetime vilifying was a shame, but let’s not forget all he did for the causes of Humanism and rationality.

The other event that so attracted left-wing sputum was Politifact’s Lie of the Year. Politifact is a website that examines the statements of prominent politicians and rates their veracity on a scale of “true” to “pants on fire.”

Most of their entries seem to cover the utterances of Republicans. This can best be explained by the fact that the GOP is America’s top producer of bullshit. Perhaps wary of being seen as a tool of the Democrats, Politifact took the occasion of year’s end to declare the lefty assertion that “Republicans want to end Medicare” the Lie of the Year. Problem is, it’s true.

Yes, the Republican’s plan continues something called Medicare, but it’s not what we know as Medicare. It’s like replacing Dick York with Dick Sargent – they look vaguely alike, but the rest of the series is going to be shit (unless Uncle Arthur shows up). The new system, instead of guaranteeing care to seniors, would give out vague vouchers that bear little relation to the rate of inflation. (NB: “Little Relation to the Rate of Inflation” was one of the worst Dick Sargent-era episodes of Bewitched.)

Politifact fumbled an argument of semantics and got caught in a bit of pandering. Is that any reason to suddenly declare them a tool of the right? “RIP Politifact” is a bit strong for a disagreement on language, don’t you think? This is hardly reason to no longer admire (six!) the work of Politfact.

Liberals, you need to find some perspective. If you disown a friend every time you find a divergence of thought, you’ll soon find yourself living a solitary life as the “legal guardian” of 27 cats, at least half of which most likely died over a year ago.

Sorry to yell, liberals. You may now go back to your Hitchensesque war on Christmas.

Christopher Hitchens 1949-2011

2011-12-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

The world is incredibly dumber without Christopher Hitchens in it.

A Strong President Would Punch John Boehner in His Orange Face

2011-12-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

Last night, Steve Kroft interviewed President Obama on 60 Minutes. This is the first 60 Minutes I've watched since Andy Rooney died. To ease the pain, I asked some kids to stand on my lawn, then I yelled at them to get off of it. I feel much better now.

Kroft's first question is about income inequality. Sorry, but he's been the President for a while now and still blames George W. Bush for everything. Better opening questions include:

"Is being President too hard?"

"Do you need a nap?"

"Are you surprised by what a shitty President you've turned out to be?"

"Will you, at any point in your presidency, do something?"

"How do you deal with Harry Reid, who is a huge fucking idiot? I mean a HUGE fucking idiot. Really, an injured marmoset would be a better Senate majority leader. So, yeah, doesn't that suck?"

"You suck. Thoughts?"

This is why I'm not a reporter for 60 Minutes, Good Morning America, or Wake The Shit Up Des Moines!

Obama begins by complaining that we America has its worst income disparity since the 1920's. Why is that a bad thing? I ask this as a fat, cigar smoking man in a top hat masturbating to a photo of Florence Harding.

Steve Kroft next asks, "We're getting close to the start of a presidential campaign. Does that mean no more governing for the next year until next November?" Nice. The question is also posed toward Congress, but do any of us have faith in this man to multitask? He can't seem to handle having more than one employee at a time. (Have I mentioned that Confidence Men is a fantastic book?).

When asked if his foreign policy in the Middle East is one of appeasement, Obama responded, "Please don't say that. I don't want to make Iran mad." Just kidding.

Obama got a little badass, telling the reporter to ask Osama bin Laden whether he engages in appeasement. The reporter tried to track down bin Laden for a response, but was unsuccessful. Instead, he interviewed Stan Grossfield, an Osama bin Laden impersonator from Elyria, Ohio. Mr. Grossfield said, "I think OBL would have wanted the President to know that I am available for children's parties."

When Kroft and Obama move on to economic policy, I start getting pissed off. Obama gives a well-rehearsed answer about the Republicans standing on the sidelines hoping the economy tanks.

Why must he be so nice? The Republicans are blocking every piece of legislation that would improve the economy. Because they're a flaming bag of dicks. This is not the time to lightly admonish them for being naughty. May I recommend this response:

"Look, I want to fix the American economy, but whenever I do, the Republicans in Congress whip out their big, red, white, and blue elephant dicks and ram them right up the ass of the American economy. In a fiscal sense, John Boehner and Eric Cantor are serial rapists."

That'll get their attention.

The man we saw on 60 Minutes is man either in way over his head or scared completely shitless. Either way, he's sucking at this whole President thing. Either way, he's still better than the Heineken bottles full of lukewarm coyote jizz running on the other side.

DVR-Blogging the ABC News/Yahoo! Republican Debate

2011-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

It's decision time in Iowa. Usually, that means the choice between bacon for breakfast or lots of bacon for breakfast. Every four years, Iowans meet for a caucus. Caucus is a combination of the words caucasian and us and means "white people get together."

Last night, ABC hosted yet another Republican debate, this one co-sponsored by the Ad Nauseum Foundation. Once again, I DVR'ed the shitfest...er, I mean important political event and will know express my thoughts as I watch ("express my thoughts" is also how I refer to my bowel movements). Here we go....

George Stephanopolous is the co-moderator? I know he's the adorable face of ABC News but is it right to have a Democratic adviser to a Democratic president moderate a Republican debate? What will his first question be? "Newt, this one's for you. When your whole impeaching President Clinton thing failed, did it feel like you were a chihuahua and we were an angry Saint Bernard mounting you? A follow-up: Suck it."

Finally, the stage matches the crowd: 100% honkeys!

Diane Sawyer commends the candidates for their commitment to the presidential race. Should a presidential candidate be lauded for what is essentially a huge act of vanity? Then I would like to commend the Smothers Brothers for putting out that all-songs/no-comedy record in 1966.

How much spray tan is Romney wearing? And what's going on with his American flag lapel pin? It looks like it has a bullet hole in it. Could be a comment on what Obama does to American flags: shoots them right before banning the gun he did it with.

When Rick Perry is answering a question, Mitt Romney's facial expression and body language can only be described as "You're going to be my lady tonight."

Santorum says we have to "have oil and gas drilling going on so that manufacturing can afford to be here." Huh? Domestic oil production leads to higher manufacturing rates? By that logic, America's factories would be relocating in Saudi Arabia.

Michele Bachmann uses an entire answer to say that Obama shouldn't bankrupt social security with a payroll tax cut for lower and middle income workers. We should follow her plan which bankrupts social security with tax cuts for the rich.

When Mitt Romney is answering a question, Rick Perry's facial expression and body language can only be described as "Which Weird Al Yankovic album has that song about food?"

Mitt sure took a long time to think of something he and Newt disagrees with. He came this close to responding with, "Well, I'd never touch his wife. Any of them."

And Boom!, Newt wins with "the only reason you're not a career politician is because you lost to Teddy Kennedy."

Bachmann combines her rivals into "Newt Romney." The proper response is to combine her with Sarah Palin into "Moron." Obama has responded that he looks forward to debating "Newt Rick Rick Bachmann Romney Paul." Imagine that as the title of a porn film. Enjoy that thought.

Perry is still hitting Romney, even though he's no longer the front runner. This is no longer a political strategy, this is personal.

Um, a $10,000 bet over a passage in a book? Really, Mitt? In this economy? I think we just saw the moment when the Romney campaign ended. Not taking the bet is a very smart move by Rick Perry. I found an opportunity to use "smart" and "Rick Perry" in the same sentence! Where's my prize?

Rick Santorum continues to say he can win in Pennsylvania. Funny how he lost 59-41 last time.

We come back from commercial with the question, "Should voters consider marital fidelity when making their choices for President?" which can be rephrased as "Can that whore Newt Gingrich be trusted as President to not stick his wang into the White House portrait of Bess Truman?"

10 minutes on border security and no one says anything new. Why do we keep having these things?

Ron Paul drops a reference to the Ottoman Empire. That triggers a lot of debate drinking games.

The entire foreign policy section is once again "Which Christian loves Jews more?"

The next question is about personal financial difficulties. Perfect time for Romney to have a bathroom break.

Perry's mom sewed his clothes. Paul worked his way through college. Romney saw a poor person in Mexico once.

I'm an insanely rabid political junkie but even I am getting really bored with these things. The next one should be a video game competition. First candidate to rescue the Princess wins South Carolina.

Perry suggests that Congress be part-time with half the pay to force members to get real jobs back in their districts. Governor, please name a company that will let someone work six months a year. Are we talking seasonal jobs like flipping burgers at the beach snack stand? I do not want to eat a burger cooked by John Dingell.

The candidates are asked to name one thing you've learned from the other candidates. I hope someone says, "the joys of extra-marital affairs and writing shitty counter-historical novels" or "being married to a gay guy has its drawbacks."

Santorum speaks of Gingrich.
Perry picks Paul.
Romney also lauds Paul.
Gingrich sucks off the governor of Iowa, then praises Perry and Santorum.
Paul gives a big old "Fuck you" to everyone on stage.
And Bachmann pulls out a Herman Cain "9-9-9." She then starts a 13 year friendship....

That's it. Eww, what did I just step in? Oh, that's the drool from happy Democrats.

A Gingrich Campaign Could Be Hilarious

2011-12-09T08:26:00.001-08:00

Will Newt Gingrich be the Republican nominee for 2012? I hope so because I love a good political clusterboink.

Newt's the frontrunner for a number of reasons: Herman Cain likes the ladies, Rick Perry no use brain, Mitt Romney produces more flip-flops than a windowless room full of Burmese 8 year-olds. Newt is winning not because he's Newt, but because he's not someone else.

This is not a cause for celebration within the Republican party (they save the champagne for NRA meetings). There are a lot of reasons to be unhappy with Gingrich and those reasons are popping up like a rocket-boosted toaster pastry.

"He just made everyone crazy." "[H]e went over the cliff a couple of times." "It’s very difficult to explain what a disaster he would be as president." That's enough dissension to fill a book about Newt, but those are from a short article in the National Journal. Imagine the worry they could have conveyed in a two-pager.

David Brooks of The New York Times takes what can only be described as a "big stinky poop" on Newt: "As nearly everyone who has ever worked with him knows, he would severely damage conservatism and the Republican Party if nominated." Holy conservative cow!

Gingrich will have a lot of baggage to deal with in 2012. There's the three marriages and corresponding messy break-ups and affairs; wishful historical fiction in which the Confederacy triumphs; and let's not forget that he once breathed the toxic exhalations of Princess Nancy Pelosi.

I feel so bad for Republicans in 2012. It's a really tough decision when your choices are Shitfuck McGee and Shitgee McFuck. What doubly blows is that either one is shitty enough to lose to an easily beatable incumbent.

There's still time for Trump!

--------

Just as I'm about to post, this awesome piece showed up on Wonkblog. Read it and ask yourself, if not him, who? Ron Paul? David Vitter? At least he's never been divorced.

Brokered convention, anyone? Just the thought of that makes me politically wet.

Rick Perry Will Save Christmas from the Gays

2011-12-07T08:45:00.001-08:00

Rick Perry has a new ad running in Iowa:

Here's the subtext of the ad:

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

Did you know that in California, the punishment for celebrating Christmas is death? It's true. You are allowed to pray, though. As long as the prayer is "Dear Gay, make us all gay."

As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion and instead put those resources to better use: killing Muslims.

I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. We need to teach our children that our nation was founded by committed Christians. And I mean the right kind of Christians. As President, I will have the Catholic Charles Carroll's signature removed from the Declaration of Independence and replace it with Tim Tebow.

Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again. I mean America, not Faith. Faith is the name of a prostitute. You'll have to talk to Herman Cain about her. Just kidding, Herman. Love ya, brother.

I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

Stealing My Schtick

Right after finishing the above fake Rick Perry ad copy, I read this story about a fake SEIU press release claiming that the union is withdrawing its endorsement of President Obama. All you need is an email list and a dream.

Who would fall for this? It's not like the SEIU is going to endorse Mitt Romney or any of the other avowed union crushers on the Republican side. That would be like a Wallenda endorsing high winds.

Quayle for Romney

Former Vice President and National Spelling Bee champion Dan Quayle is endorsing Mitt Romney. Mitt must love that. I'm sure every GOP presidential candidate has at some point thought, "Gee, I hope I get the endorsement of an embarrassing ex-VP whose own presidential run lasted roughly 26 hours. I'll probably have to help Quayle down the stairs. I'm not sure if he ever mastered those."

Voter Fraud Will Murder Your Grandpa As He Sleeps

Stupid me switched on the FOX News this morning just in time to see a piece on voter fraud. The FOX team was talking about Republicans and the Supreme Court stealing the 2000 election, followed by an exposé on Republican mischief in Ohio in 2004.

I'm kidding. Can you imagine? The story was about the Obama campaign having as many as 150 bad signatures on a primary petition in Indiana in 2008. The story ended with the reporter looking into the camera and asking for any leads the viewers might have.

I believe he said, "If you notice any voting irregularities, like the President being a black guy, email us at FOX News."

The real address is voterfraud@foxnews.com . Feel free to bombard them with tips, like the Republican theft of the 1876 election. Sorry, Samuel Tilden.

Random Thoughts

Rod Blagojevich was contrite in court. Thanks for sucking the fun out of life, Blago.

I like the NHL realignment plan, but is adding the San Diego Chargers a good idea?

If you worry that I spend too much time calling Republicans a bunch of lying assholes, rejoice! I also think Democrats are a bunch of lying assholes - the President, for example.

RIP, Harry Morgan.

Politicians Say the Darnedest Things

2011-11-30T17:56:00.001-08:00

A few of the silly things the politicians are saying.

Mitt Romney: "Newt Gingrich is a lifelong politician."
Newt Gingrich: "No, I'm a lifelong citizen."
Barack Obama: "I'm neither! Oops. Axelrod's gonna hit me."

John McCain: "I apologize for saying that Long Island is 'sometimes regrettably' a part of the United States. But I maintain that Boston can lick its own liberal-loving ballsack."

Congressional Republicans: "Our plan pays for the $120 billion payroll tax cut extension by firing the assistant deputy co-under secretary of the interior for bear poop analysis, lower south-eastern Colorado district."

Barney Frank: "I will not see re-election in 2012. I'm exhausted. Watering down financial regulations to the point of impotence wears you down."

Mitt Romney: "I disagree with Newt Gingrich on immigration. I also disagree with Mitt Romney."

Rick Perry: "Those of you that will be 21 by November 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. If you will be 22, screw you, I'm only for the youngins!"

Rick Perry: "I apologize if that last thing I said didn't make me sound like a big enough fucking idiot. Please vote for me in the New Hampshire caucuses."

Newt Gets Endorsed (That Sounds Dirty)

2011-11-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

The New Hampshire Union Leader has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President of the United States. The influential endorsement by the major newspaper in the First Primary state is quite a coup for the former Speaker of the House.

The Union Leader gave several reasons for endorsing Gingrich:

1. He has decades of political experience.

2. He's not Mitt Romney.

3. He's capable of providing forward thinking, positive leadership.

4. He's not Mitt Romney.

5. He's shown an ability to find bipartisan solutions.

6. He's not Mitt Romney.

7. He "is by no means the perfect candidate."

8. But he's not Mitt Romney.

Here's a typical Newt Gingrich campaign stop:

GoAnimate.com: Newt Gingrich in New Hampshire by Mike

Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com. It's free and fun!

Herman Cain's Recipe for Pumpkin Pie

2011-11-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

"Cook a pumpkin pie."