Here’s a link to this week’s audio podcast entitled “Just Because You’re You.” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

About a year or so ago I started playing a game with my two girls, Samantha (our six year old) and Rosie (our three and a half year old). The game goes like this; I ask each one of them, “How much does daddy love you?” They respond by putting one or both of their arms up into the air as high as they can and say, “This much.” Then I say, “That’s right! And how come I love you so much?” To which they say, “Just because I’m me!”

It’s a fun, sweet, and powerful game that I love playing with each of them and something I hope to continue to do for many years. I play this game as much for them as I do for myself. For the girls, I want them to know that my love and appreciation for them is not based on what they do, how they look, how well they listen, or any other conditions or expectations.

For me, I do it for two main reasons. First of all, as a father I find it challenging at times to keep my heart open and to stay connected to my love for my girls when they do or say things that upset, disappoint, or anger me. This game serves as a reminder to me that my intention is to love them unconditionally (i.e. to love them even when I don’t like them or approve of what they do). On another level, by playing this game with my girls, I feel like I’m healing something deep within me that I’ve carried around for most of my life – the belief that my value as a human being is based on certain conditional, material, or external factors (accomplishments, appearance, approval of others, status, money, outward “success,” etc.)

How about you? How much of your own worth do you place in the hands of other people’s opinions, material success, or other outside factors or influences? If you’re anything like me and many of the people I know and work with, probably quite a bit (or at least more than is probably healthy or ideal).

This belief that many of us carry that we have to do specific things, produce certain results, look a particular way (and so on), in order to be acceptable, valuable, and lovable, causes a great deal of stress, pressure, and suffering in our lives.

From a very early age most of us have been doing whatever we can (in various ways based on our personality, background, and orientation) to gain approval and love from those around us. It starts with our parents, siblings, and family members when we’re very young. As children and adolescents, it extends out to our teachers, coaches, and especially our friends. As we move into adulthood it continues to expand to include our colleagues, clients; anyone we deem “important” to our success in life.

While there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with our desire to have the respect, admiration, and appreciation of those around us or to accomplish our most important goals, we often give away our power, consciously or unconsciously, to the people, circumstances, and results (or lack thereof) in our lives.

What if we stopped doing this so much? Our true value has nothing to do with any of these external factors. At the deepest level, we’re valuable as human beings just because we’re us – not because of what we do, how we look, what people think of us, or what we produce or accomplish. What would your life look like if you got this, embodied it, and lived from this perspective?

How can you start loving, accepting, and appreciating yourself (i.e. getting your inherent value) just because you’re you? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more.

Here’s a link to this week’s audio podcast entitled “Are You Addicted to Struggle?” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

During a session I was having with my new coach last week it became clear to me that I’ve been addicted to struggle for much of my life. While I wasn’t super excited to admit this, it has actually been quite liberating to address my struggle addiction directly and to see how it impacts just about every aspect of my life and work. How about you… are you addicted to (or at least very familiar with) struggling in your own life?

As I’ve thought about it more over this past week, I realize that I have some real resistance to allowing things to come easy and that my attachment to struggling runs deep within me (as it does for so many people I know and work with). Here are some of the main “reasons” I’ve used and beliefs I’ve held for many years to justify my own struggling:

• If I don’t have to struggle for something, it doesn’t really mean all that much
• If things come easy to me, other people will get jealous, won’t like me, and/or won’t respect me
• It’s not fair for things to be easy for me (i.e. I have to struggle) - especially with so many people having such a hard time these days
• I actually get off on struggling and suffering - I’m quite familiar with it and I’ve used it as motivation to change and “succeed” for much of my life
• My ability to work hard, overcome adversity, and rise above challenges are all things my ego uses to feel superior to others
• If I don’t struggle for something, when it happens I won’t feel like I deserve it
• Struggling allows me to avoid taking responsibility for certain aspects of my life and keeps me “focused” so I get to avoid uncomfortable feelings, situations, and circumstances I don’t really want to deal with

Can you relate to any of these? Maybe you have others as well.

Getting in touch with some of these reasons and beliefs has been both painful and eye opening at the same time. As I think, talk, and write about them - I realize how ridiculous some of them are and how much of my life’s energy I’ve been giving away to them in the process.

It’s almost like I’m walking around worried that someone’s going to say me, “Mike, you have it so easy,” and I’m preparing my defensive responses, “Oh yeah, well let me tell you how hard I work, how challenging things have been for me, and how much stuff I’ve had to overcome along the way.” What’s up with this? It’s like I’m preparing for a fight that doesn’t even exist. Do you ever do that?

While working hard, overcoming challenges and adversity, and being passionately committed to important and complex things in our lives aren’t inherently bad - resisting ease and being attached to struggle causes me and so many of us a great deal of stress, worry, and pain. And, in many cases this difficulty is totally self-induced and unnecessary.

What if we allowed things to be easier? What if we started to speak about and own the aspects of our lives that are actually easy to us and started to expect things to get even easier? What if we let go of our attachment (or addiction, as it were) to struggle? Easy doesn’t mean lazy - that we aren’t willing to work in a passionate way, or that we expect a “free ride” - it means that we’re willing to have things work out, trust that all is well, and allow life to flow in a positive and elegant way for us.

Our desire and ability to embrace ease in our life isn’t selfish, arrogant, or unrealistic - it’s profoundly optimistic (in an authentic way) and can actually enhance our ability to impact others. The more energy and attention we place on surviving, getting by, or even “striving” for success - the less available we are to give, serve, and make a difference for other people. Although it may seem counter-intuitive to us, letting go of our addiction to struggle is one of the best ways we can show up for those around us - both by our example and with our freed up positive energy.

My coach suggested that I start wearing a “struggle patch,” like a nicotine patch that people wear in their process of breaking an addiction to smoking. While at first it seemed a little ridiculous, I actually took her up on the suggestion and put on a band aid as a representation of my “struggle patch.” I’m allowing the band aid to represent my own commitment to break this addiction and it actually has been altering my perception of myself and my life. Feel free to use this technique yourself!

As Richard Bach famously stated, “Argue for your limitations and they’re yours.” What if we stopped arguing on behalf of how “hard” things are, and started to allow our life to be filled with more peace and ease, instead of perpetuating the struggle? While the idea of things authentically being easy may not be, ironically, the easiest thing for you to embrace - I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to take this on in your life and become more comfortable with it… maybe it will actually be easier than you think!

Are you addicted to struggling? How does this manifest in your life? What can you do to let go of struggle and allow things to be easier? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more.

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

How do you feel about disappointing others? How about being disappointed yourself? I’ve recently noticed how much of my conscious and unconscious attention is focused on not disappointing others, while at the same time protecting myself against being disappointed.

As I’ve been looking at this more deeply, I’m amazed by how much stress, fear, and worry I experience in my attempts to avoid the disappointment of those around me – family, friends, clients, and others. At the same time, I can see that much of this comes from my own deeper fear of being disappointed and let down. The irony, of course, is that no matter how hard I try to avoid disappointing others or being disappointed myself, it happens anyway.

By actively avoiding disappointment (of or by others), we set ourselves up for failure and pain. And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with a real sense of authenticity and peace.

What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it? It’s inevitable that we will disappoint people, especially when we live our lives in a bold, authentic, and passionate way. Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and taking care of ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and in some cases may even upset them. It is possible for us, however, to be mindful, empathetic, and aware of others, and still be true to ourselves – these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people – all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and real relationships – do make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives. So what! We end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations. We might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.

As Dr. Seuss so brilliantly said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for me and many of us, is essential and important on our journey of growth, self discovery, authenticity, and fulfillment. Making peace with disappointing others allows us to release our erroneous demands for perfection. Letting go of our fear of being disappointed by other people gives us the ability to take more risks and ask for what we truly want.

When we’re able to embrace disappointment, we create a sense of liberation and space that frees us up to be who we truly are and let go of our attachment with other people’s opinions. This is not always easy, but is so powerful and can be transformational.

Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your capacity to embrace disappointment in your own life:

1) Take inventory. Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life. How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed? Also, take a look at your relationship to disappointment in general – how do you feel about it?

2) Practice saying “no.” This is a great practice, especially for those of us “people pleasers” who find ourselves saying “yes” to stuff we don’t really want to do. While there is great value in being someone who is willing to say “yes” in life, there is also power in owning our “no” as well. See if you can practice saying “no” to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable. Be real and vulnerable about it – with yourself and others. And, see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests of things you don’t want to do, remove things from your plate or schedule that don’t serve or inspire you, and make peace with yourself about it. As author and coach Cheryl Richardson says, “If it’s not an absolute ‘yes,’ it’s a ‘no’.”

3) Expand and express your desires. Make a list (mental or written) of some of the most important and vulnerable desires you currently have – the things you really want, but maybe have been afraid to admit (due to a fear of being disappointed). Many of us, myself included, don’t ask for things, go for things, or express things unless we’re pretty sure we can make them happen, get them, or be sure people will respond to them in a positive way. While this makes sense, it’s also quite limiting. When you allow yourself to tap into and express your authentic desires, even if what you want doesn’t seem “possible” at the moment, you give yourself the freedom to ask, dream, and create. One of my favorite sayings is, “The answer’s always ‘no’ if you don’t ask.” Start asking!

As you delve into this, be kind with yourself. This is a big one for me and so many people I know and work with. We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives. And, most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have impacted us in a deep way. However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment – we can transform our lives and our relationships in a profound way!

How do you feel about disappointing others? How about being disappointed? What can you do to make peace with and embrace disappointment in an empowering way? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more.

Here’s a link to this week’s audio podcast entitled “It’s Okay for Things to Go Well.” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

How do you feel when things go well for you? If you’re anything like me you may have some mixed feelings about it, as odd as that seems.  While I do love it when things go well and when I’m feeling good, I also notice that sometimes it poses certain challenges for me as well.

For the past few months, things have been going quite well in my life and with my work.  And, more important, I’ve been feeling happier, more peaceful, more grounded, and more vital than I have in quite a long time.

All of these things are wonderful, yet I find myself feeling uneasy and uncomfortable with this at some level.  Even though I wrote a book called Focus on the Good Stuff and many of the themes that I speak about and write about center around being grateful, appreciative, and fulfilled in life - it can be a little tricky for me to fully embrace and experience my life when it’s going well.  Maybe you can relate to this?

What is this about? For me and those of us who may struggle with authentic “good stuff?”  For me, there are a few main things that come up and get in my way when things start to go really well.

First of all, I hear this voice in my head that says, “It’s too good to be true, it won’t last, or you’ll mess it up.”

Second of all, I worry that people won’t like me, will judge me, or will get jealous of my success or my happiness, and thus pull away from me or withhold their love, appreciation, and approval.  Connected to this feeling of separation, I also find myself worrying that if things go too well I won’t be able to relate to, connect with, or be accepted by some of the most important people and groups in my world.

Third of all, much of my learning, growth, and evolution in life has come through my own pain and suffering (i.e. “the hard way”).  Even though I’ve heard a number of teachers and mentors in my life say that we can grow more effectively and elegantly through joy, peace, and love - I find myself worrying that if things get too good, I’ll get lazy, stop actively learning, or somehow abandon my journey of personal growth, which is one of the most important things in my life.

Finally, I tend to feel guilty for my success, well being, or good fortune - especially given that so many people I know (and even more people in the world) are suffering, in pain, or dealing with both small and big challenges.  That same voice in my head says to me, “It’s not fair that things are going well for you, look at all those people who are having a hard time.”

These and other limiting thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs have gotten in my way in the past, kept me stuck in struggle, and at the very least have limited my experience of joy and fulfillment.  It’s almost as if I’ve been more comfortable suffering than I have been when things are thriving.  When there are issues, dramas, challenges, pains, and other difficulties to deal with, address, heal, and overcome - I’m able to dig down deep, access my power, and rise up to meet them.  I’m ready to breakthrough this and alter it in a fundamental and profound way.  How about you?

Your version of this may look a little different than mine, but lots of people I know and work with, even those who have created a lot of outward “success” in their lives, seem to struggle to one degree or another allowing things to go really well in their lives and doing so with real peace, gratitude, and joy.

What if we did allow things to go well and did so more graciously, intentionally, and consciously.  My commitment to myself right now as I’m experiencing a period of expanded success, well being, and joy is to both appreciate it fully and allow it to expand and sustain at the same time.  Of course life has its inevitably ups and downs, ebbs and flows, and expansions and contractions - but, what if we stopped sabotaging ourselves, our success, and our fulfillment just as we began to experience it or because it got too good for us to handle?

Here are some things to focus on, think about, and practice to expand your capacity for things going well in your life:

1. Remember that it’s okay to shine. My dear friend and fellow author Lissa Rankin just wrote a beautiful blog post called “Is it safe to shine your light?” in which she talks about this exact phenomenon in a powerful way.  The more permission we give to ourselves (and those around us) to shine our “light,” the more we realize that it’s safe.  As Marianne Williamson says in her famous quote from her book A Return to Love, “…there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

2. Remind yourself that life’s not a competition.  This is a big one for me - as a former pro ball player and given the nature of my personality (I’m a 3 on the enneagram), I have a tendency to look at everything in life as a competition, even though it rarely is.  Competition is about our negative ego (thinking we are either “better than” or “less than”).  When we remember that life is not a competition, we can focus on our own unique experience and do so in a way that is real, not simply in reference to those around us - positively or negatively.

3. Take care of yourself. I’ve heard it said so many times that “happiness is an inside” job, which is true.  Oftentimes things become cliche because they are overused, but they are overused because of their universal truth.  The better job we do at taking care of ourselves and remembering that our fulfillment in life is much more about how we feel about and relate to ourselves, than it is about what others think of us or what results we produce in the world, the more likely we are to experience a true sense of joy and success.

There are a lot of things going on in the world, around us, and in our personal lives - these days and always.  Whether we’re dealing with circumstances right now that seem very challenging to us, ones that seem somewhat benign, or ones that seem overtly positive - giving ourselves permission to allow things to go well (and also to enjoy and appreciate when they do), is actually a bold and beautiful step we can take to not only enhance the quality and experience of our own lives, but that of everyone else we come into contact with as well.

How do you feel about things going well in your life?  What can you do to remind yourself and others that it’s okay for things to go well and for you to be happy? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

Something extraordinary happened at Candlestick Park in San Francisco two Saturdays ago, January 14th.  Sure it was an amazing ending to an NFL playoff game between the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints (which the Niners won in dramatic fashion, making all of us fans here in the Bay Area very happy); but the monumental win wasn’t was made it so remarkable to me.

As Vernon Davis, the tight end for the Niners who caught the game-winning touchdown, came running off the field, tears were streaming down his face.  He came to the sidelines and was embraced by his head coach, Jim Harbaugh, in a huge bear hug.  Coach Harbaugh hugged him for quite a while and spoke into his ear in what I can only imagine was an expression of authentic appreciation and celebration.  It was a beautiful and moving moment that transcended football and even sports - it was about courageous triumph, raw human emotion, and vulnerable self expression. (Click here to see the video).

Of course, I loved it - not just because I’m a huge sports fan and like to see my hometown teams win (especially after many years of not winning, in the Niners’ case), but because it highlighted something very important…the power of tears!  I also loved it because you don’t usually see a big, strong football player like Vernon Davis break down and cry in the arms of his coach in front of 70,000 fans in the stadium and millions of people watching on TV.  But he did, and it was a powerful scene and an important reminder of what it means to be human.

One of the many things tears can do is remind us of our humanness, our vulnerability, our connection to one another, and to things much bigger than the specific circumstances we are facing.  We cry for different reasons and based on different emotions.  Sometimes we shed tears of pain, sorrow, loss, sadness, anger, frustration, or grief.  Other times, tears show up because of love, joy, inspiration, hope, or kindness.  Regardless of the underlying emotions and even when the reason for our tears is painful, crying often makes us feel better and is one of the most authentic expressions of emotion we experience as human beings.  Current research shows that 88.8% of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4% feeling worse.

However, many of us have a great deal of fear, resistance, and judgment about tears - both ours and those of other people.  While this tends to vary based on our age, culture, gender, and the environment in which we find ourselves, I’m amazed at how often crying is seen in such a negative way in our culture, even today.

I’m someone who loves to cry myself, although as a man I was trained early in my life, like most of the men I know, that “boys don’t cry.”  Based on this and a variety of other factors, I sometimes find it challenging to access and express my own tears.  Although when they do show up and I let them flow, they often flow passionately (I scared the guy sitting next to me on an airplane a few months ago when I was sobbing intensely while watching the wonderful movie The Help).

As I look back at some of the most important, pivotal, and transformational moments of my life, both ones I considered to be “good” and ones I considered to be “bad” at the time, tears were a part of just about all of those experiences.

How do you feel about shedding tears yourself?  Is it easy for you to cry?  Is it hard?  Are you comfortable crying in front of others?  Do you judge yourself or others for doing so?  I think it’s interesting and important for us to ask ourselves these questions and notice our relationship to tears.

While I’m not advocating that we go around crying all the time just for the sake of it.  Excessive crying can sometimes point to a more serious underlying emotional issue and/or can be done as a way to manipulate others.  I’m not talking about that either.  I’m talking about our ability to express our emotions in a real and vulnerable way, some of the time resulting in the shedding of our tears.  What if we embraced crying a bit more and let go of our negative connotations about doing so?  As Charles Dickens beautifully said, “We need never be ashamed of our tears.”

Even though we may resist, fear, and avoid crying - at work, with friends or family, with members of the opposite sex, with our children, or with anyone else, we worry it wouldn’t be “appropriate” to cry in front of, there are some real positive benefits to shedding tears.  Such as:

1) Crying is good for our physical and emotional health - Medical research now suggests that tears could actually be a way of flushing negative chemicals out of the body and doing us a world of good physically. In addition to removing toxic substances from our body, crying can also have the psychological benefit of lifting our mood and helping us to deal with painful situations.

2) Shedding tears reduces stress - Crying is thought to help reduce stress, which can have a damaging effect on our health and has been linked to a number of health problems including heart disease, high blood pressure, type-2 diabetes and obesity. According to a study by Dr. William H. Frey II, a biochemist at the St Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minnesota, crying can help to wash chemicals linked to stress out of our body, one of the reasons we feel much better after a good cry.

3) When we cry we open up, let down our guard, and connect with others in a more real and vulnerable way - Many times in my own personal life and with many of the clients I’ve worked with over the years (both individuals and groups), I’ve seen tears dramatically shift a person’s perspective, change the dynamic of an argument, and bring people together in a genuine way. Tears have a way of breaking down emotional walls and mental barriers we put up within ourselves and towards others. Crying tends to be some kind of human equalizer, because no matter the circumstance, situation, or stress we may face, our tears have a way of shifting and altering things in a beautiful, vulnerable, and humbling way.

There’s nothing wrong with our tears, even if we get a little embarrassed, uncomfortable, or even pained when they show up. As we allow them to flow through us, we not only release toxins from our body, stress from our system, and thoughts from our mind - we tap into one of the most basic and unifying experiences of being human. Crying is powerful and important - let’s have the courage to do it with pride and support each other in the healthy expression of our tears.

How often or easily are you moved to tears?  How do you feel about crying?  What can you do to empower your relationship with the tears of others and yourself? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog below.

Here’s a link to this week’s audio podcast entitled “The Benefits of Tears.” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.comC