MikeDingDong

The Apprentice Weeks 8-9 Mega Catch Up

2014-12-10T17:16:00.000+00:00

Due to various assignment deadlines, lectures and prostration, I haven’t been able to done the last 2 weeks worth of Apprentice recaps with my usual comments and berating. So here I’ll sum up my thoughts from the past 2 episodes.

Week 8:

Another week, another sprint to the fancy downstairs phone. Couldn’t Sugar just like, call one of their mobiles?

James was doomed from the start. Pretty much nailed on to be fired after lying to his team about missing out on hot tubs.

James getting the hot tub seller’s name wrong pretty much cost them the hot tub sale (and possibly led to his downfall).

Felipe telling Dan with a straight face that he won’t be selling the hot tubs. He looked like he was going to drop a brick when Dan went postal on him.

Dan and Felipe having public arguments about how to sell something. Might as well put a flipped hat near them and call it dramatic improv.

Imagine thinking that flat cap handbags aren’t at all tacky and would sell well.

Roison wanting to kill James.

Nick Hewer looking bemused on a lawnmower is easily one of the highlights of this Apprentice series.

It’s week 8 and Sanjay is somehow still in the process.

James failing to see his own errors and focus on everyone else’s. “All this negativity and going on about the past isn’t going to h-“ blah blah James. Bore off.

Week 9:

Felipe looking like he was going to cry into his cereal. He looks really lonely.

Lord Sugar looking at his candidates with disgust before making the task brief. “Aw ffs, couldn’t these morons wear better loungewear?”

Big fan of watching the candidates trying to negotiate product price. Pretty sure Dan would argue to get a better bargain out of a buy one get one free offer.

Apprentice producers trying to make an oud oil deal look like a staged drug deal.

Soloman willing to make an arse of himself via using a skeleton as a doll to make a purchase. He’s lovably endearing.

Roison’s eyes hypnotised the jeweller to bang that diamond for £50. Either that or she’s incredibly sexy.

Katie getting free rope and boasting how it was deal of the day when it was just over 1M long and couldn’t stop praising herself to realise she really should get some scissors.

I still don’t know what nigella seeds are.

Lord Sugar was outsmarted completely by Felipe’s paper skeleton and he didn’t provide full details of what was required. If Lord Sugar wanted a full size boned skeleton then he should have said so otherwise Felipe got fired for being clever. Quite harsh when previous winners have proved to be cunning, clever and always providing a successful alternative. #VamousFelipe.

Going to miss Felipe referring to himself in the third person.

The Apprentice Episode 7 - New York, We Here Baybee

2014-11-21T18:01:00.001+00:00

Product placement galore on this week's Apprentice

Judging from the last 6 weeks of this series, you would have thought this task of pitching soft drinks to America would be a great chance to exile certain candidates from Britain, Piers Morgan style. Pretty sure Dan would have been high up on this list given the contempt he holds for his rivals and his general arsehole attitude, but sadly this was purely just a task to flog some drinks to ad lovin' USA. Some had to stay in boring dull England to do the designing, drink production while the others had to fly off to the flashy US of A to pitch and create ads for their new drink.

Team Summit was fronted by Bianca who's team created an energy drink called Big Dawg, an energy drink looking like watered down blood which explained the sour taste. She dragged James and Soloman with her to New York probably because they both have the two biggest egos in the group. Team Tenacity meanwhile, led by Mark produced Aqua Fusion, a pineapple drink that wasn't particularly pretty but tasted alright I guess. Naturally everyone in the group wanted to go to New York, namely Lauren who clearly was begging to do Stateside to get a tan, so Mark begrudgingly took her and Felipe abroad.

Felipe showed he was more Uwe Boll rather than Steven Spielberg.

For someone so eager to go to America, I can't recall her actually being useful barring the time she showcased her generic American accent in the ad. I think what summed up her time on the task (and why she got sacked) was when her team was editing the ad and the billboard and she was frequently told to help someone else purely so it looked like she was doing something. If anything, she could have at least made the team cups of tea and coffee. Felipe was putting a load of effort in to make a paint by colours drinks ad that proved to be an absolute nightmare with the son actor failing to be able to catch a bottle despite playing as a basketball player. Mark keenly pressured him into actually filming something but this was pointless because the ad was still cringe worthy. Suppose what didn't help was Dan and Katie's cheap logo and dull bottle design but the first rule of The Apprentice is that you got to smile and grin while pitching shite.

However Sanjay and Roison's bottle and logo design was much better and stood out more. Bianca didn't fare too well as a leader due to her poor communication skills and her awful uninspiring advert of three people saying "I like Big Dawg". No wonder James told her she should have stayed in London. Maybe he's still holding a grudge against her for being a cockblock against him and Soloman when they were blatantly using the casting call to hit on young attractive women.

Pitching to industry experts was interesting - Big Dawg managed to impress with a solid presentation even if the product is a bit naff and laughing off any suggestions that the bone in the logo isn't actually a penis. "No it's a bone!" said Soloman, even if it still looks a bit like a penis. Aqua Fusion's pitch on the other hand was more like a lecture on bathroom hand dryers given how lively and fluid it was, completely ruining their own chances in the process. Maybe it wasn't a good idea having a presentation team that isn't 2/3 full of lawyers, after all.

"Well, at least I've got a future in US soap operas"

Into the boardroom and despite mixed results by both teams, Lord Sugar declared that Team Summit made the less mistakes and won the task. Or perhaps the fact the drink was so American, if it was a person it would be an American waving an American flag in one hand and an eagle on the other. Tenacity argued some more about how everyone else to blame, bar Felipe who stood in silence not blaming anyone or arguing. You have to give it to Felipe, he knows the best way of not looking like a twat on national TV - just don't say anything. No surprises that Lauren was fired given she didn't do much for reasons discussed earlier in this recap but Daniel managed to yet again limp away like a triple amputate cat judging how many lives he's got left.

The Apprentice Episode 6 - Mind Games

2014-11-14T19:13:00.003+00:00

The ever enthusiastic Dan

This week's task was board games, a task that was purely set up for the puns from the word Go after Lord Sugar greeted his peasants on a Battleship. GEDDIT? CUS BATTLESHIP IS A BOA- oh fucks sake. Embarrassing joke by The Apprentice writers but it did allow us to see how the candidates could handle making an entirely new and fresh board game after seeing how bad of ideas the perv camera top and an unfunny fitness video were, so on this basis it was inevitable we were going to see at least one awful board game.

I'm starting to see a recurring theme in The Apprentice this series - everytime we cut to a project manager discussion and two people back out for someone else to step in, that person turns out to be the enthusiastic loser who 10 minutes into the job realises she shouldn't have stepped in. Pamela was inevitably doomed to fail from the moment she agreed to develop the relationship game and it's no surprise she got sacked, really. James in a bid to get a chance to tug off Lord Sugar, led Team Summit and decided to go with Rosion's idea of pitching a geography game that was practically Pictionary. As we all know, there's nothing wrong with Pictionary. It's a safe bet to run with and it would have taken a cock up the size of Mars to ruin this pitch.

Human wrecking ball Bianca came close with offering product exclusively to a single store in Westminster, making the whole team wonder whether or not they should control her like a puppet and dub her voice to prevent her cocking up some more. Despite this, Soloman picked up the pieces to rescue his team's performance and James managed to lead his team quite successfully with minimal fuck ups. Although if you ignore his shutting down of Bianca or deflecting any criticism, but he was otherwise decent, the charming bastard.

If Soloman wants to be Lord Sugar's apprentice, he really needs to curb his coke addiction

Team Tenacity on the other hand drove with an idea that everyone knew was bad but hey, it's better than nothing. Potential series winner Mark managed to polish a turd so much that he managed to sell a load of games and became the team's best seller. I suppose competition wasn't that tight considering Dan moped around putting in a half arsed shift, making stereotyping question cards and only really putting an effort in to make himself look good and still insist he's a selling machine. We don't think you are mate but we're all certain you're just a massive prick. Pamela wasn't able to be an effective project manager, making me wonder if Team Summit had been watching too much Homeland and brain washed her into being shit in order to let Summit win. Given how desperate some candidates are to win, I wouldn't be surprised.

"After failing a task, how many people should I fire?"
A - 1
B - 2
C - EVERYONE

With no real surprise, Summit steamrolled Tenacity by a margin of over £1000. While Tenacity realised why a relationship board game was a good idea, Summit got the chance to take penalties against David Seaman. For a reward, that's on par with rewarding your son who got 12 GCSE A grades with Ham and Pineapple pizza. Out of Tenacity, Pamela, Dan and Lauren were all brought back for their various cock ups, whether it be Dan's sexist game questions and general unenthusiastic behaviour or Pamela's consistent moaning. Even though Lauren got completely rinsed by Lord Sugar, Pamela got fired. Not surprising considering she chose to lead with the idea and made the car crash of an idea even worse by adding more cars into the mess.

Next week - Battle of the big egos in the Big Apple.

The Apprentice Episode 5 - Carry On Coach Trippin'

2014-11-07T23:45:00.000+00:00

Toot toot, all abroad James' banter bus

After Lord Sugar's firing spree and having to be calmed down after threatening to sack his faceless PA and Karen, he woke up at a service station smelling of booze and with a mighty hangover. Oh and to tell the teams that he wanted them to arrange coach trips and tours to try and get a load of money. Woopie, another task to see which team is less socially inept while not really trying to teach their business sense or skills.

Team Tenacity chose Oxford to tour and project manager Dan set the ticket prices at £99.50 (great value knocking off 50p clearly). Unfortunately for him he wasn't really able to sell any tickets until late on, leading to everyone wondering if anyone would mind if he was dumped in Kent and forgotten about. Sanjay meanwhile, lead Team Summit and thought Kent would be a great destination for a tour and set the relatively low price of £60 per ticket. Before James could hold another trademark fire sale, Bianca managed to sell a load of tickets on the cheap while also admitting she did it because she was desperate to sell them. Oh. Dear.

In respect of Sarah's firing, Team Tenacity came out in lemon jackets

James was definitely the face of Summit despite Sanjay's leadership, calling himself "King James" while walking around castle pointing at birds, singing nursery rhymes on the bus, telling people the tour's over before it's done and having his own special fire sale of crisps. Jemma when not hyping up her own team's efforts was giving a tour of Hever Castle in the style of Alan Partridge's tour of Bono's house; failing to think of basic facts of Henry VIII or Anne Boleyn and pointing at a real photograph of Henry VIII despite the fact you could only take photos 300 years ago if you had a time machine and a camera. Team Summit? More like Team Bus Crash on the M25. (I'm so sorry)

On the other side, Team Tenacity weren't perfect but still were good if you ignore the poor sandwiches, selling water at a high price and Felipe's coma inducing river cruise talk. Lauren was able to show off Blenheim really well with her great research and enthusiasm, Mark stepped up to the plate and lead his sub team well, making it a relevantly solid performance. Dan was ineffectual as the project manager, making me wonder whether or not he's better off making sandwiches while the big boys do a decent job.

Solomon's tactic on the task was to hit on young girls

Back to the boardroom and after both teams argued about their own failures even before it was revealed who had won, Team Summit lost by over £500. Had to laugh at the disappointment of Team Summit members then cutting to Tenacity candidates' faces going from pissed off to over the moon while Dan still looked majorly pissed off. Out of Sanjay, Bianca and Jemma, Lord Sugar decided that it was pointless to keep asking what Jemma does every week and fired her. Bet she was still kicking herself when she forgot to edit out "I'm always the one that never wins" bit out of her CV because that was inevitably going to come back to haunt her. Meanwhile back at the house, DanGate continued with everyone and 5 million viewers back home telling stop him being an egoistic lying bastard (could tell that to James too to be fair), making him look like a slopping 7 year old on the naughty step. Can't wait for the Apprentice finale where Mark has had enough of Dan's bullshit, lifts him up over his head and throws him onto his thigh, Bane style.

Next week - Board games. I wonder who will be fired next in Lord Sugar's own version of Cluedo.

The Apprentice Episode 4 - Please Don't Watch This

2014-10-31T19:29:00.005+00:00

Team Summit watching Meatspin

Moving on from chasing people around London with candles, the teams were set the task of creating a Youtube channel and getting Youtube dolla for going viral. A task perfect for a load of mid 20 year old candidates right? Just create ‘Fat man falls downstairs’ and you’ll be rolling in the view hits. Or not, as we learnt this week.

Both Teams came up with really frigid and awkward ideas that only serious try hard businessmen and women would think of. With many candidates saying “I don’t really have any experience with online videos”, this set the alarm bells ringing because how the hell do a load of young businessmen haven’t ever experienced YouTube or used it? No researching Youtube stars or thinking of those hilarious videos they saw during your uni days, it was just “right, let’s do the videos ourselves and completely forget what humour is”.

Team Summit came up with “Dare to dine”, a video channel all about cooking challenges and James looking like an idiot while Rosion tried seriously hard not to knock him out with a saucepan everytime he made a shite slapstick joke. Team Tenacity on the other hand thought that fitness videos would be a great idea to do and because Felipe came up with the idea, everyone decided they should make him the fat man in the video to be bullied and chanted “fat daddy” at for hours. What we didn't see was Felipe crying in the toilets while eating a Celebrations box.

"Yeah maybe we bullied Felipe a bit *too* much..."

10 year old business man Soloman made easy work of his team’s video, injecting the right amount of entertainment and enthusiasm into the video, which clearly spread out throughout the team. It even got Jemma talking for the first time all series, making me finally be able to give her a name rather than “glasses girl”. Their video could have easily been dragged down by James’ try hard idiot “act” or the cringe worthy unfunny-ness of the video, but hey, at least they had a rough idea of how to make a Youtube video even if they really were scraping the barrel a far bit. Although next time maybe just stick with baby biting his brother or leaking Soloman’s sex tape.

Female Ed Milliband, Ella Jade, failed to make what could have been a watchable video but instead became a montage of bullying Felipe into losing weight and regularly calling him fat. Daniel raised his hand at various points to say “this is awful guys, please can we not do this” in which everyone glared at him as if to say “yes we fucking know that but please can you help figure out Youtube’s upload system? Ta”. Then I wished he piped up again at the uploading stage because none of them realised that having a video description and tags would massively help their hit count. Oh bloody dear. What didn’t help was Steven’s typical sales pitch of introducing something as mindblowing and revolutionary with Sarah’s confusing answers to Buzzfeed's concerns about the video being offensive. Surprised Buzzfeed didn’t include Steven in a “15 people who should consider a career move” list.

Daniel gutted about not going to Iceland - he's run out of cheese.

After the two teams struggled to make two watchable videos, Team Summit’s ‘Dare to Dine’ video got more hits and were immediately flown to Iceland while their opposite team shouted at each other and Kate outta nowhere (RKO style) took down Sarah about her “women should wear short skirts and wear push up bras” comment. With scenes more awkward than a meeting between Oscar Pistolrous and Reeva Steenkamp’s parents, Sarah, Ella Jade and Steven were all back for further bullying from Lord Sugar. Fed up of Steven’s sass, Sarah’s ignorance and Ella Jade’s lack of personality, bollock head told everyone to fuck off and fired all three. Approximately at 9:55pm, up and down the country you could hear a mixture of laughter and “OH FUCKING HELL”, with further laughing at Ella-Jade-I-promise-you’s pleading to stay. Sorry love, but looking like Droopy dog isn’t going to help your case at all.

Next week - Tour buses. Destination - Failure City

The Apprentice Episode 3 - Smells Like Team Failure

2014-10-23T22:10:00.000+01:00

"SMELL MY CANDLE"

Week 3 has arrived and Lord Sugar's big task was to get the teams to create a home fragrance product to sell on market stalls and retailers. He called house fragrance products a "hot trend", a statement wrong on many levels considering fragrance plug ins and candles are a solid staple of households and after last week was about wearable tech, Lord Sugar really needs to talk to his grandchildren more about what's hot.

In an attempt to make sure there are male candidates by the series’ half way point, the teams were mixed up. Team Tenacity’s Katie cannonballed straight into the meeting and volunteered to be project manager because she loves buying home fragrance products, probably to hide the smell of someone talking shit. She went further on and thought buying lower quality wax but selling high would be a great idea because of the MARGINS and MARGINS ARE VERY IMPORTANT GUYS which I then started to worry she bought wax so cheap that they were the causes of at least 7 house fires in London (Alfie Moon should have put that on his insurance claim form). The team produced a candle called "British Breeze" which smelt like of green tea, aloe vera and lemongrass instead of cheap lager, cigarettes and Jeremy Kyle guests.

Another week, another Steven "bitch please" face.

Team Summit was spearheaded by accountant Roisin, who is all about numbers and margins, so totalling up the sums and figures of this task likely leads to her having to take a cold shower every 2 hours. Her team produce a candle called "Beach Dreams" which most likely smelt of sand, sea and rain. Half of the team went to design the product and the other half made the samples, in which Soloman and Sanjay did the maths and instructions and Lindsay and Nurun who self relegated themselves to doing manual labour because they "wasn’t good with numbers" and weren't confident with smelling candles and reed diffusers. Really.

Onto the day of selling and both teams had mixed results in selling their products on the market and to trade customers. Katie's sub team rushed around London selling their fragrances to anyone who looked professional and classy including pubs selling her reed diffusers as "they will keep your toilets fresh for a year", a statement that trading standards will have to investigate. Meanwhile the trading sub team struggled to shift their stock, namely Sarah. After publicly having a strop about packaging, she complained about how she wasn't able to sell her candles because of their price. Weirdly no one else was having problems selling more than one candle and she was promptly told to fuck off and sell more.

Lindsay doing her best at doing nothing.

While Katie's team was strict on pricing structure, Summit completely disregarded anything about pricing plans in the same way that Roy Keane is with Sir Alex Ferguson's opinions and threw them out of the window immediately. This was music to James' ears, fresh from blow drying his armpits to sell the candles at whatever price. He doesn't play by the rules but man, he reduces his team's profit margins with minimal results. Nurun's tactic of running around asking people about her candle got to the point I'm pretty sure Roisin wanted her to fail and I started to feel bad for her. Lindsay however got none of my sympathy as she stood around the market stand doing nothing but checking the packing was still in place like the last 8 times she checked. Suppose this is what happens when you allow swimming instructors onto the show, they look so out of their depth.

In the end, Team Summit sold all their stock yet Team Tenacity had units left, they still lost by £14, making Summit all wonder what the hell Nurun and Lindsay were doing all day if they weren’t able to sell another candle. Lindsay on the spot committed seppuku and forced Lord Sugar to pity fire her and aimed his finger of doom at either Roisin, James or Nurun. Despite James' sucking up to Lord Sugar and Roisin's inability to keep product prices at a suitable level, Nurun got fired for not being able to sell enough. Two very predictable sackings this week considering the pair never looked comfortable with the tasks and just went along with their team's plans. Also makes me wonder if any of them were even suitable for the show when it looked like both women never really watched the show in the first place but to the producers' credit, watching a woman chasing people to sell a candle is pretty hilarious.

Next week - Online video channels. If no one does a FIFA FUT opening packs video, I'll be very disappointed.

The Apprentice Episode 2 – Technical Failure

2014-10-17T20:37:00.001+01:00

"This isn't going to lead to a sexual harassment case, is it?"

The series opener saw the candidates rush around London trying to sell buckets and sponges for £300 with a straight face, the teams are now doing the same again but with wearable technology instead infront of bewildered sales executives. Given it’s the second episode and how much a balls up the last task was to both teams, it was always going to go wrong, again. Oh and it did.

Both teams went into this task unsure of who to lead and it’s no surprise really. Wearable technology is still a relatively new thing and even watching it I was wondering what the hell to make and the same clearly applied to the two teams; no one wanted to lead either team and it was a case of someone begrudgely being project manager just to get it out of the way. Even after Lord Sugar heavily hinting that Robert should lead so hard that he was furiously winking at him like he was hitting on him, Scott put his balls on the line and led the men. His reason? He went to a wearable technology conference weeks before. Oh, in that case I might as well become a wine connoisseur after that wine and cheese evening I went to once. The female team now called ‘Team Tenacity’ wasn’t led by Sarah 'get yer push up bras on ladies' Dales but instead Nurun, who alike Scott had no real experience or knowledge in wearable tech. Only a few minutes in and I knew this episode was going to like like watching a train derail in slow mo.

"What the actual hell is this"

The men fumbled about with their ideas including a selfie t-shirt which would take a photo of something and display it on your shirt (basically a Teletubbie shirt) which then evolved to something I’d like to call ‘The Perv Jumper’; a shirt that had a camera to record moments to an SD card that would be playable back on your laptop for your own pleasure. As soon as this idea became a serious thing, I knew the men were going to lose and anyone agreeing with it is a moron. Therefore all the women had to do was create something that was barely functional to win this round and somehow almost cocked that up, designing a jacket that had solar panels on to charge your phone, a heat sensor so it would heat the jacket up if it were cold and some flashing blue lights on it to “stand out”. The women were also given a science lesson in how solar panels work when they all found out that the panels have to be exposed to sunlight rather than be under material which added to the confusion.

And then it just went downhill from there on. Team Summit were pitching a grey top with "on air" written in Christmas lights without any of their group realising "hold on, this idea is fucking stupid" and didn't know how to pitch it or defend it. Highlights of their pitch included these gems: "It help you get noticed", "privacy is history" and the best quote of them all by Daniel: "I wouldn't wear this in a public place". If you want to see a car crash style of a sales pitch, please watch any of their pitches to the three retailers because they all clearly despise each other, the jumper and wondering why they are bothering trying to sell a product that is effectively, shit. For a team that was fired up by Scott Braveheart's words of "smash it out of the park", it was more like watching a 30 cigarettes a day chain smoker try and inflate a balloon - tedious, painful and tiring. The ladies team however did relatively well in pitching their Swiss army knife of a jacket despite Nurun forgetting how to form a sentence when she pitched and then general concerns from the retailers about the jacket. Maybe they were concerned about the pointless lights or the exposed solar panels but at least the women all said they would buy it rather than the men who just distanced themselves so much from their jumper that they wrote up a 'I have never seen or heard of a grey jumper with a camera on it' statement with a lawyer.

These screencaps together makes it look like Daniel is hitting on James across the bar and he doesn't like it.

So despite everyone hating everyone hating the men’s perv shirt, the ladies’ jacket just won with an order of 250 units from the online retailer, leaving the men to reflect on how much they ballsed up a task like this. Robert the sockless tit was fired on the spot, showing Lord Sugar is already bored of having an extra 4 candidates this year to fire. Scott “woah woah woah woah woah woahhhhhhhhh” McCulloch for the 1224th time put his balls on the line (was starting to wish he literally was going to do this on a train line) and brought Solomon and Daniel back to the boardroom to have another go at them, yet again. Lord Sugar thought Scott's tactics of blaming and shouting at everyone coupled with poor management was worse than Dan's shockingly bad sales pitches and admitting he wouldn't wear the jumper in public so Scott got the finger (of firedness). Daniel and Solomon survive for another week and have another chance to fumble at another task - Selling perfume.

The Apprentice Episode 1 – OH MY GOD WE’RE HAVING A FIRE SALE

2014-10-16T02:15:00.001+01:00

Things can only go up from here, Dan.

First off, happy 10^th anniversary to The Apprentice and thank God you’ve returned for another series. Even though it’s got to the point where Lord Sugar is dangerously close to being able to field a football team full of previous winners, I’m still glad this series has returned again so I can get angry and laugh at a new batch of big headed tits in suits. Looking at the candidates so far there’s only a few memorable ones purely because they’re the loudest and more of an arse than everyone else but it’s all a pretty standard group of candidates this year; ‘woman with big eyes', 'egoistic moron', ‘man with ridiculously bad one liners’, ‘bitchy loud woman’ and 'smug arseholes' with a sprinkle of normal sounding businessmen and women here and there. One big change to the format this year is the change from 16 candidates to 20, perhaps this is to just to shake up the tried and tested (But very tried) formula that the show has followed for so many years and to give Lord Sugar a trump card to whip out whenever he’s feeling more fucked off than usual and fire a load of them but we’ll see how it pans out there.

Oh have I missed a Nick Hewer cringe cut away moment

In simple terms, the pitch for this series’ opener was quite frankly 'sell a fuck load of stuff in one day', which included t-shirts, fruit, potatoes, coffee, sausages and their dignity all to win Lord Sugar’s approval for another week before he eventually gets fed up with all of them. So being a new series and all, it kicked off with men v women and with spicy new team names. The female group played on the word decade (oooh topical) and came up with “Team decadence” even if it’s often associated with decline and falls of groups and possibly in this case the decline of their relationships together and their multiple fall(outs). Team badname appointed Sarah who basically just told everyone “sod strategy, show off your legs and chest and we’ll stroll this” even if there were cuts to some female candidates pulling their ‘We’ve made a huge mistake’ faces. The men instead went for something more mighty with “Team summit” to be all heroic and number one and went ahead and appointed Colombian Felipe to lead their group who was a bit of a clumsy oaf but hey, at least he works hard for the sugar.

Nothing new if you’re a seasoned Apprentice viewer – early wake up call at 4am, rush around to get ready for supplies and think of ideas, on the spot confusion and arguing all packed in before the 35 minute mark. Sarah being team leader thought it would be a totally amazing to slice lemons up and sell individual lemon slices for profit because she’s really keen to address that niche market of lemon suckers which basically set the tone for another episode of hapless and typical Apprentice style cock ups by both teams. This ranged from the men printing £500 worth of “BUY THIS T-SHIRT” t-shirts and leaving them at the shirt printing shop all day whereas the women didn’t have enough time to sell their “’#London” t-shirts because they were too busy arguing about who should be making coffee and also forgot to give their sub team the money to pay the shirt shop. No wonder Nick Hewer looked like he should have stayed with Rachel Riley and hosted Countdown instead.

“It’s not going to be just a potato, it’s going to be an experience” Steve – you’re selling a potato, not a vibrator.

More highlights included Mark who was very persistent about leading a sales pitch to a children’s party shop and got annoyed that James for butting in with his own pitching attempts, causing Mark ended up repeating James’ name like he had Tourette’s and apologising for his behaviour “because he’s Northern”. Yeah like that isn’t at all patronising and won’t at all cause friction within their group. Sarah and her sub team aggressively sold cleaning products to some bewildered penguin handlers for £250 (deal of the century, that) who probably only paid them to go away so security didn’t get involved.

With all the mishaps and amazing sales pitches, Team Pretentiousname won by £50 after being able to sell their t-shirts (albeit for a massive loss) at the last minute where Team Summit didn’t sell any at all because they were so keen on selling potatoes to an annoyed chef. Team Pleasethinkofabetternamenexttime went off to a VIP booth in the London Eye to point at London landmarks where the men instead pointed the blame at each other in a generic rundown café. Man, this really was a paint by colours Apprentice episode.

After some more finger pointing within the group and Lord Sugar looking more and more like football with an angry face drawn on it, Chiles was fired, a man who was effectively pointless because he couldn’t make any sales and generally sat around doing nothing. Oh and he left the shirts behind at the store, proper balls up there, Chiles. Suppose what didn’t help his case was his depressing haunting looks at the table throughout, making this an easier decision for Lord Sugar to make than who to bully on Twitter, Piers Morgan or a Children’s charity. Felipe and Robert live on to fight another day until they inevitably get scapegoated and booted out of the series and back to their cushy day jobs.

In Repsonse to "High Heels Rape Risk For Women"‏ Article

2013-01-26T20:29:00.001+00:00

Richard Graham made his view on rape pretty clear in an article published Gloucester's local paper 'The Citizen' and online. I decided to reply to the article to The Citizen and to Richard Graham (sadly) MP.

In regard to Richard Graham’s comments on the 26th January 2013, I found them shocking and to tell a woman how not to get raped is idiotic when whatever you are wearing or how much you have drank doesn’t matter. The issue with rape culture is that we should be teaching in schools and society not to rape rather than how to avoid being raped, so to hear an elected representative of the people say such comments is terrible. The updated article did not help your cause as you continued to stick to your clothes/rape correlation argument, therefore making you look further out of touch.

If Mr Graham wishes to win re-election in 2015, he should think before he speaks.

I felt it was necessary to reply to his comments due to its controversial and idiotic tone. Although I am not a member of his constituency (thank goodness), it always feels good to call out someone's bullshit. I await a response.

Sod Off NME This Is My Top 10 Nirvana Songs

2012-04-05T21:47:00.002+01:00

I was only a few months old at the time of Cobain's death. A time when I didn't recognise the value of distorted guitars blended with thumping drums and gentle bass lines but was more concerned about why I couldn't control my bowel movements. 18 years later I'm a pledged fan of his work. Nevermind has become my favourite and most treasured album, proudly sitting on my shelf. It's a band I wish I had been alive to experience while they were on the rise because the enthusiasm and excitement that journalists and music figures show when recalling Nirvana (and namely Cobain) connote how great the trio were. I watch shows like Reading '92 and MTV Live and Loud in 1993 in awe. The crowds went completely mad when the band played. I wish I was there experiencing the hysteria and hype surrounding the band.

The band means so much to me and I'm glad I stumbled upon them and given it's the 18th year since Kurt's death, I'm going to post my Top 10 Nirvana songs. Here you go.

1) Heart Shaped Box
2) Come As You Are
3) Smells Like Teen Spirit
4) You Know You're Right
5) The Man Who Sold The World (Live)
6) All Apologies
7) Rape Me
8) Aneurysm
9) Pennyroyal Tea
10) About A Girl

There you go. I didn't place SLTS because while it's an unique and generation defining song, it isn't the band's finest in my view. Commercially popular songs aren't always an artist's best. Heart Shaped Box is my favourite song because it's emotional and touches and smooths me. A lot of their songs do that, but HSB does this the most.

Now make up your own mind.

I have a Youtube.

2012-03-20T18:24:00.000+00:00

For random videos click the link below. Will be doing gameplay videos soonish when I've got a capture card and decent microphone. K?

http://www.youtube.com/user/MikeDingDong10?feature=watch

Steve Kean on Chris Samba

2012-01-19T21:35:00.000+00:00

Happy Birthday Djourou!

2012-01-18T17:47:00.000+00:00

Thierry Henry Apologises For Swearing At Arsenal Fan

2012-01-17T16:12:00.001+00:00

Luis Suarez. Hypocrite.

2012-01-06T18:27:00.003+00:00

Stumbled upon an old Daily Mail interview from March 2011. Read though it, but then I read this:

"Van Basten taught me a lot about how to play as a forward; about shooting techniques and about things that worked for him. His movement, his technique.

But from all of them I learned about remaining calm on the pitch; when in front of goal and also when being fouled. You have to try not to react; take a step back. I learned to control my attitude more."

From a Youtube search of "Luis Suarez dive".

Interviewer must have forgot to add "said Suarez as he had a large grin on his face" after that quote.

Can't forget the one against Everton either, where he rolled around on the floor as if he had his broken leg until Jack Rodwell was sent off. Probably thinks it's okay to dive because it's a friendly gesture in South America.

Joey Barton Cries Wolf, People Shocked That He's Serious

2012-01-04T18:56:00.001+00:00

Joey Barton, a man famous for causing violence on and off the pitch was sent off against QPR for attacking Bradley Johnson. He believes the Norwich players conned the Referee to send him off. Let's watch.

Four incidents.

1) Lashes out at player 0:02
2) Elbow out 0:06
3) Barges into Johnson 0:10
4) Headbutts Johnson 0:12

I would say that's *quite* silly, Joey. That's violent conduct, something you're familiar with. At least you don't do this conning busin-

Oh.

Considering Barton's career is built on deceiving officials and causing trouble, this is sweet justice. Would think he would be a bit smart with all those philosophy books he reads.

Stuff I've Been Up To

2011-09-25T19:55:00.002+01:00

Over time, I either volunteer or am invited to do podcasts. At the moment, it's just been Arsenal ones, but I'm hoping to go on more over the next few months. I'll drop you lot links to episodes I'm on if you want to hear me mumble and be silly.

The Optimistic Gooner Podcast
Ep 6 - The Depression
Ep 9 - Punch A Horse When We Lose
Ep 11 - Simultaneous Handjobs

Stand Up For The Arsenal
Djourou Has Got a Wotsit On His Head!

There you go. Enjoy those podcasts and regularly listen to them, run by good people and are thoroughly enjoyable.

Torchwood: Miracle Dud

2011-09-17T00:27:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, a Welshman called Russell T Davis revived Sci-fi classic Doctor Who and then got bored of it and passed on his baby onto a much better writer, Steven Moffat. After diddling his thumbs and wondering what to do, he remembered he had Torchwood living in his basement so he decided to dust it off and spend some quality time with it. It caused fan orgasms across the fan base and I was particularly excited.

Jack and Gwen were going stateside with new characters. Oooh, new team and characters? Fair enough. Would have liked it to stay in the UK, but who cares, it's Torchwood! The series that even one fan wondered if it was better than its relative (fair enough, it's a good argument). When the time finally came and it was back on our screens, I eagerly sat down in front of the TV and put my feet up, I was genuinely excited. However, what I then watched wasn’t Torchwood at all, but rather some Americans getting a bit dramatic with Jack and Gwen tagging along as guest stars.

The premise of this latest series is posing the question “What if no one can die?” Now, if you’re a philosophical turd, you’d be loving this one with the morals; what is and what isn’t murder, what we should do with the “dead” and where we should store the coffin dodgers. Of course, this isn’t right – everyone immortal? Really? Surely not! So it’s up to Jack Harkness, Gwen “I’m Welsh, not English, you bitch” Cooper and some Americans to try and find out what’s caused it.

Given this aired two days before the 9/11 anniversary, can't help but think this was a bit inappropriate.

In this series, the regulars are back: Jack is here to kick some alien arse and change his sexuality for the billionth time, and Gwen, now with a sprog called Anwen, returns with her loveable but common husband, Rhys. The glamorous CIA shows up to help out with Rex and Esther being turned to help Torchwood, Rex is your typical tough black man with a pistol yelling “DAMN” and Esther is a book-smart lady and obviously fancied the pants off Rex.

Jack and Gwen’s chemistry was still there which was a staple of Torchwood UK as well as a running joke with Gwen’s “Oh aye, I’m Welsh, you see” moments. Problem with this, it got stale after the second episode and every time she sprouted the lines, I slumped into my chair and cringed like I was watching The Only Way is Essex cast recreate Hamlet.

Good to see Katya from Neighbours getting some work even if she has her neck snapped.

A big star on the bill was Bill Pullman playing Oswald Danes, something I thought was a great addition to the cast. He played a convicted child murderer and paedophile (or pedophile) sentenced for death but of course survived this because of the whole not dying thing. Turned out that was his ticket to fifteen minutes of fame and was seen as a prophet and given a platform to speak out of his arse. Over the series he could have been used a bit more other than to be used as the "This is a monster, hate him" character and rather something else. Den of Geek suggested that he could have been used as "a chance to take a good, hard look at how the media makes heroes out of the wrong people" which I thoroughly agree with and should have been there instead of the pointless filler in some episodes.

For a Sci-fi series that’s premise is kicking alien arse with guns and swearing, I feel quite let down. Not only do we not see what the Blessing is until the ninth episode, but there is no real alien threat. When we learnt that the category ones were off to be cooked in furnaces, I thought “Oh right, so I guess an alien gang are cooking our humans to fuel a giant laser or something, I suppose?” and was adamant that this was going to happen. But, throughout the series we saw one alien and that was it. I don’t think I’m alone on this; I’m sure others felt a bit cheated.

'ey up, Jack's Gaydar sense is tingling.

What seemed to trouble this series the most was its length - it was too long. Ten parts (rather than five like with the previous) made the series seem to go on for an eternity with just one main plot and sub-plots that could have been easily condensed into less time. The episodes could have been shorter, with BARELY ANYTHING HAPPENING in each one, including the finale. (I’m sure a few hardcore Torchwood fans have already been busily ripping out the filler and shortening the series.) In my mind a good series is like a bowel movement. Short and satisfying is the way to go, any longer and you’ll end up shooting out your internal organs.

The big reveal of the cause of all this was a big disappointment, the anticipation, the hype and mystery surrounding it made you hope that this was going to be something that was going to save the series and somehow produce a decent finale, but no. After nine episodes, we found out that the Blessing was a vagina running through the centre of the Earth. A vagina. A vagina moderating the world's life expectancy. Crikey, I felt like I was told the meaning of life was to create a cheese and pickle sandwich. But seriously, how was this not discovered before? If you have a miles long vagina running through the Earth, surely someone should have seen it? Even the Silurians didn't spot it and so they're either blind or the writers are a bit dim.

I'm sure a giant tampon would have solved this whole malarky.

Considering this was effectively a reboot (no RTD, it was one), the format could have been a lot better. Why wasn’t there a return to the single episode plots of Series 1 and 2? If this series was introducing a new audience of Americans, it would have been a lot better to do a slow, easy episode to ease the new viewers into the series rather than throwing them into the story, telling you who’s who and telling you to sit down and watch. Children of Earth was a great 5 part serial, but I always wanted to see a return to the one shot episodes that we, the proper Torchwood fans wanted, not some new viewers who have to stick on subtitles every time Gwen says anything.

So I felt alienated. A lot. Going back to previous point of it being a bit open so the Americans could gasp what was happening, it really did feel like having to explain how to use a computer an alzheimer's patient. The scenes I liked most were the scenes back home in the UK because you at least were familiar with the surroundings and way of life, whereas in the US it felt like being on Mars with the knowledge you have of the planet is off Wikipedia.

Will we see more of Torchwood? No, I personally hope we won’t. Sure it’s set up for another series with the “lol Rex is immortal” thing, the three families who own Jack and this “Plan B” setup, but we’ve just seen ten weeks of uncertainty and episodes of "urgh" and "meh”. If you want to have something continue for another series, at least make it good. Terminator Salvation had that problem, it was a anticlimactic film which was the supposed stepping stone for future instalments, but that's down the drain. I suppose RTD is praying for a miracle for this to be picked up again.

(..sorry.)

Looks Like Someone Needs To Learn What Irony Is

2011-08-16T17:15:00.006+01:00

Oh Sammy. After a long summer of transfer talk and uncertainty, you rumoured to be off to Manchester City or even Manchester United, you had to come out and angrily tweet that. Deary me, lad. You're angry at what most Arsenal fans think of you when months back, we were happily chanting your name while dancing around defences, showing off how beneficial those dance classes were as a child. Ever wondered why the fans have turned on you? Let's investigate.

First off, contract negotiations. You're refusing to sign a contract extension. You want more money and not backing down from that. You're earning £90,000 a week, French fry. My parents' annual salaries are far from that. You want £110,000 a week with a deal like Cesc Fabregas? Hold on, didn't you just have one good spell last season and after Christmas was fairly average? Do you really think you deserve more money? Of course you do, you're fuelled on money probably. You probably need a few more £20 notes to tie to your money duvet or another Ferrari because someone farted in your current car.

Still, can't hate you for your tweets.

We've had this sort of treatment from Adebayor and he was once a fan favourite, but now if you were to ask someone what he/she thinks of the man, a swear word or two will be used. Remember your old friend Gallas? He was once a favourite, but now resides in Tottenham and will be forever jeered because of his unwise career move. You'll be heading down the same path as him if you seal a deal with a rival club. To use the chants as an excuse from a move away from the club is not only disgraceful, but shows how you're a bit dim. The reason why a section of fans were chanting *that* was because of your behaviour of the summer, with you unwilling to commit your future to the team. You have created the hole you're in and you shouldn't be surprised at the fans' reaction.

A great take on an already fan favourite chant.

At least your timing was spot on. On the day Fabregas was presented as a Barcelona player, kissing the badge to an adoring audience and fan favourite Eboue on the brink of leaving, your tweet made us fans quite angry. A lot more mad since we're all emotional seeing Fabregas in a Barcelona shirt, so your tweet did little to cheer up pessimistic fans. To come out with that tweet, you've dug yourself deeper in your hole. Closer to the exit. Another superstar lost due to greed. *Sigh*.

If you're an Arsenal player, show it. Show us why we shouldn't call you a See you Next Tuesday. We will always get behind the team because we will support Arsenal whatever state the club is in. If you want the respect and love you crave, pass some of the same over to the fans. It's as simple as that. State your commitment to the cause, sign on the dotted line and repay us with your fabulous football technique and maybe, we'll start the lovely positive chants again.

Nanana nanananananananana nananananananan Nasriiii Nasriii, Samir Nasriii

But at the end of the day, don't worry Samir. If you're upset with the fans' chants, call your special friend and he'll comfort you. He'll come and he'll cradle you in his arms, listen to your problems and wash them away. Chamakh, time to get that baby oil.

How Do You Make People Suddenly Angry? Play Swagger Jagger

2011-08-03T23:44:00.003+01:00

I never really pay any attention to the X Factor. Whenever I do, it’s just me commenting how much of a sham it all is and wonder why anyone would watch it. Every week in the live televised rounds, people would clog up my Facebook and Twitter timelines with their own commentary on the karaoke contest. But a regular theme through the timelines would be the hate of individual contestants and one that was quite unpopular last year was Cher Lloyd, a 18 year old who looks like she’s chasing so many fashion trends that she’s trying to combine them all to look like she’s fallen out of various wardrobes.

Now, I’ve never really known her. I know her fashion sense is bizarre, her singing style is a collection of “ohh” and rapping and she has various tattoos for whatever reason. The other day, her video and song was officially released after days of anger from the young lady after her single was leaked, I didn’t pay attention to it since I really couldn’t give a rat’s arse over her. I was then interested in the video and single because of the reaction. “It’s a good song….if you turn the sound off” “OMG IT’S WORSE THAN REBECCA BLACK’S FRIDAY” “Sounds like a cat on helium singing with autotune lol”. That was the gist of it. So I watched and listened to it.

Cher Lloyd with her fans

Now before I say anything else, I am not a music reviewer. I’ve never really reviewed music and this is just an experiment. Here goes.

The premise of the song is a massive F you to all of her critics (or “haters” if you want to get modern) and sings it while wearing odd clothes. A quick Google search on “Swagger Jagger” would tell you that it means “a person who always cramp your style” so i.e me for example. But you really don’t need to search the song title for the meaning because the song’s topic is so easy to understand, even her fans would get it.

The only positive thing of this video is probably the SE

The song seems quite unstructured and messy, like a sandwich without the bread or butter, just the filling and it’s its own downfall. Cher has written a song that she doesn’t even know what she wants it to be; the verses is her angrily rapping down a street with bright cartoon visuals spawning from nowhere like an acid trip, the gaps in between the verses and chorus is something from an average club anthem remix, then a slow tempo chorus which Cher Lloyd exercises her vocals and actually properly singing while flirting with the camera (not sure if want) and bopping up and down with her idiotic chums. It’s a complete car crash of a song.

See, songs to me should always follow a structure of slow verse, building up to the epic chorus. It’s a formula that I believe that works and I don’t know why this song tries to do that in reverse. I feel most of the “energy” focused on the silly “lol I’m rappin’ verses and then the bridge to the slow chorus and it really doesn’t work. It was a bizarre move and signs she's just going for multiple genres, sort of like if the Now! albums were instead songs than albums.

With all these shots of Cher walking down the street, it felt like I was being yelled abuse from a chav

The real thing that did annoy me about the song was the topic. Cher Lloyd here is kicking of an hopefully unsuccessful music career with a song telling critics to bugger off and let her do her thing. Fair enough, responding to haters, what's wrong with that? Main problem - shows she cares too much about negative comments. Takes things too hard. Okay, critics do have a point with her utter poor musical style, but as a human being (lol) she shouldn't care what others think, but rather do her own thing even if it's another possible form of torture.

I guess the sad thing about this is that it's on its way to Number One. Poor how a song that's trying to be three different genres that really doesn't work will get to top of the charts despite the hatred of the song and the artist. Probably I'm exaggerating. Who knows, maybe another song will spring out of nowhere, be on top spot and make an 18 year old cry. An Amy Winehouse song is likely since she's raised in popularity ever since she died.

Booing A Preseason Friendly? That's Like Heckling A Charity Fun Run

2011-08-02T22:41:00.004+01:00

I went to the Emirates Cup on Sunday with friends to watch two matches of hopefully decent football, to taste the atmosphere and have a good time. Although I had a good day and enjoyed the matches, something stuck out like a sore thumb. Booing. At a pre season friendly. A meaningless game which saw us lose the only trophy for the first time in 3 years. Urgh. A bit much, “fans”.

I could see why fans booed - Arsenal proved that they can’t hold a lead for the billionth time, letting Henry’s New York Red Bulls grab a late equaliser after a lazy few minutes and basically handing over the Emirates Cup. It was the same old problems that hadn’t been addressed, same faults that critics were keenly able to point out, but most of all, our confidence hasn’t really changed. Fair enough, I guess. I saw that moment happening and I was annoyed like everyone else. But I never booed. That was a tad too far. If this was a competitive match against say, Wigan and we lost 4-0, that’s when I would have booed. But no, this was just pre season. This is where you mix your fringe players with your first team players with a pinch of youngsters for a test of how your team plays with different tactics, formations, etc. It’s taken not as seriously as say, a cup match, but it’s a time to get to know how well your tactics work. It was quite clear that this was a friendly.

I was gutted that we had blown it again, but to boo our lads wasn’t exactly going to do anything positive. Sure, I had spent at least £80 on train ticket from Gloucester and the match ticket, but I didn't want to. Maybe it's who I am, not exactly the harshest of people, but to boo, jeer, and insult the team is never going to rise morale. Booing an already vulnerable team isn’t going to do its confidence any good, sort of like calling a teenage girl fat based on her arse isn’t going to make her feel like eating a giant chocolate cake.

With the boos, it’s clear that the pessimism and negativity has stuck around, sort of like a bad smell. Not like there hasn’t been anything to cheer about, we’re uncertain of the futures of Nasri and Fabregas (most worryingly), let possible transfers pass by and how deadwood players are still in the squad, basically on the dole. The tournament was an opportunity for the team to put on a show for the fans, win with style and raise the spirits of the fans who are increasingly worried about the future of the team as well as the club as a whole. Clearly, we never really fulfilled those targets, but rather stumbled out drunk, wobbling all over the place. A real shame and with 2 weeks to go before the big kick off, I’m very worried for not only the player’s mentality, but the fan’s attitude.

Wait, hold on - it was a friendly? People were happily chanting "Stand up if you hate Tottenham" and even doing Mexican Waves (Bloody fun, mind) but suddenly conceding a late goal turns it into a super serious MUST WIN game? If fans came into the game on Sunday with the knowledge it was a friendly with no real competitive edge to it, then to have the cheek to boo the players off at full time is an act of stupidity and proves how serious fans are about a meaningless game in a meaningless tournament. Crikey, it's like going to special school.

But it's a time to be reasonable with the situation we're in. Of course, we should be winning games comfortably and winning trophies, but given the the state the team is in, the Premier League increasingly becoming more competitive year in, year out, it's not surprisingly that success isn't coming as natural to the team in an era of mega spending clubs. Arsenal is a big club in terms of support, not really a successful club at the moment. Fans have to lower expectations, I guess. We can't win everything, so we should rather expect a dire 1-1 draw against Blackburn but be rather surprised at thumping Manchester United 3-0.

All in and all, fans really shouldn't have booed. Doesn't really achieve much over than knocking the player's confidence and just makes out that people were taking a friendly against some bog standard US football team with Henry and Rooney's brother rather too seriously. Wouldn't be surprised if the same people played Call of Duty in the mindset that it's an actual world war.

I'm still about.

2011-07-16T00:36:00.000+01:00

Hey. I'm still around. I've had a few months of worrying, working, complementing my future and that's why this blog has been gathering dust for a while. Apologises for that, hopefully activity will pick up again soonish with a proper comeback entry.

K? Cool.

MikeDingDong's End of Season Arsenal Awards

2011-05-31T19:18:00.003+01:00

I haven't posted on the blog for a while since I've been revising, worrying about cocking up, finishing games on the Xbox, breathing and eating. I've been busy. I didn't forget this blog and during the time I've not been blogging, I have been thinking of something to do a post on. Funnily enough, it's end of the football season and I thought "Fuck it, I'm doing my own Arsenal awards" and here I am, on the bandwagon with the billion other podcasters and bloggers doing a end of season awards post. Here you go.

The Nick Clegg award for Biggest Fall From Grace

This is for a player who’s gone backwards this season. Arshavin wins this award for going backwards, failing to live up to his apparent World Class skill. He still has World Class at being a lazy meerkat of course, but his failure to pass the ball, shoot accurately has led to constant abuse from the Arsenal fans throughout the season. Did sort of redeem himself with that goal against Barcelona and his hard tackling cameo against Manchester United, but he’s been overall pants this season. Also mentions for Chamakh and Djourou for their recent dips in form.

Greatest Moment Of The Season That Arsenal Fans Will Cream Themselves Remembering Award

There’s one moment of the season that everyone will look back on and go “Ahhh, what a great time” and crack out the lube. It was of course, Arsenal 2 Barcelona 1. Going into the game, it was revenge. Messi managed to embarrass Arsenal at the Nou Camp just by farting skill and made our team cry. Barcelona employed all their unsettling tactics to tempt Fabregas to the Nou Camp and we had to do something about it. Went 1-0 down to a Villa goal after Clichy doing his usual “lol I’m a defender” technique to make Villa onside so he could score. At Half Time it looked grim. We were expected to crumble, Song was going to finally get another yellow card and get sent off and then concede a load of goals. That didn’t happen. Clichy sent a lobbed pass to Van Persie and he somehow scored on the volley despite the tight angle. Shit. We might do this, thought the Arsenal fans. Then the memorable counter attack led by Nasri, runs into the edge of the Barca penalty area to find Arshavin, who slots it in. Unbelievable. What a game, what a moment that was to be an Arsenal fan. We may have lost 3-1 at the Nou Camp in the second leg, but no one else beat Barcelona this season in the Champions League. Phwoar. Time to crack one out, here's the Arshavin goal:

Other moments worthy of a mention are going 3-0 up against Chelsea, beating Manure and Denilson announcing he was leaving.

The Silverste award for Most Naff Player of the Season

Almunia, Squillaci, Denilson have all been outstanding examples of how not to play football and cock up at the worst time. Denilson made 32 appearances with 0 goals or assists, probably due to not being able to pass forward or even be able to pass the ball, Squillaci managed to have such an underwhelming season with constantly bad performances which made us want Silverste back but the winner has to be Almunia. When he’s about, you’re never going to leave empty handed, if you’re an opposition player. He may not have played many games, but he certainly left his mark with signature moves such as failing to cover your own post, coming out of goal to clear the ball when a player can clear it, or failing to close your legs, something he has in common with Imogen Thomas.

Seems Almunia will have more time to walk his dog next season

The Andy Gray “TAKE A BOW. TAKE A BO-W” Award for Best Goal

We scored many oh la la goals this season, but Samir Nasri’s “football ballet” technique for his goals in the 2-1 win over Fulham both grab the award. A bit hard to separate the two goals because they’re both exceptionally great goals and show signs of the World Class form of the French lesbian. Other contenders is Van Persie’s near impossible volley against Barcelona, Arshavin’s finish against Barcelona, Van Persie’s sliding volley against Wigan and Bendtner’s turn and curling shot against Ipswich.

The Michael Cera Award for Most Awkward Moment of the Season

Arsenal this season have had their fair share of moments where they have just scraped a result such as the late goals against Huddersfield and Leeds but this award has to go to the moment when Manuel Almunia realised that Jens Lehmann was returning to Arsenal on a short term contract. Imagine the dressing room when Almunia and Lehmann were in there together? It must have been silent with Eboue on hand to break the silence with a light hearted joke.

Gaffe of the season That Made Arsenal Fans Get Abused For The Most By Schoolmates and Workmates Award

Only one real contender, that moment in the Carling Cup Final. That goal caused by Koscielny and Szczęsny being unable to decide who should have the ball. Christ. I was in a Xbox Live Party Chat and I got laughed at and jeered at. The next day at school, friends logged on and played that clip on the school computers. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But at least they got relegated, becoming the first team to ever win the Carling Cup then get relegated. Heh heh. Other mentions go to the Newcastle comeback game, Eboue’s trip on Lucas to give Liverpool a last minute penalty and any Almunia cock up.

L'oreal Award for Best Hairstyle

Has to be Alex Song. Song's blonde/grey hair is probably the reason why he's played so well this season and it certainly trumps Chamakh's messy mohawk/bird hairstyle.

Strut 1, 2, 3, 4 and pose.

Player That Was Moderately Better Than Last Season Award

While there has been players who seem to have gone backward rather than forward, there's been players who have improved well. I'll give this one to Łukasz Fabiański for his rise from ashes like a phoenix at the beginning of the season. When the Godfather of goalkeeping howlers got injured, fans rejoiced that Almunia wasn't going to be playing then quickly remembered that his calamity junior was going to be playing instead. Oh shit we all went. But ever since that penalty save and then World Class save against FK Partizan, he started to come out as a great Polish goalkeeper and we finally had someone that was confident enough to pull off save after save without any howlers. His season sadly ended with a shoulder injury and I feel bad for the lad after his fine performances during his stint. He'll likely be number two in the goalkeeping line up behind Szczęsny, but it'll be an interesting battle for the Number 1 spot next season. A player worthy of mention is Walcott as he's no longer that player who could run faster than anyone else and suddenly became better at crossing and finishing.

The Player Who Was Better Than All The Rest and Made Everyone Look Awful Award

Tough one this, a range of candidates for this award. I’m tempted to give this to Van Persie who has had his best goal scoring season at Arsenal, but he’s only really been around in the 2^nd half of the season and this award is for Player of the Season, not Player of the 2^nd half of the Season. He would win player of the 2^nd half of the season hands down purely because he was the player that constantly did well while everyone else were too busy booking for their summer holidays, but the winner of this award has to go to Jack Wilshere. I continually praise his no nonsense, passionate performances because he plays like he wants to play, unlike say, Denilson. He puts in 100% every game, extremely confident and had a memorable performance against Barcelona. He may not have the best shots on him (Wished he could still do this) or many goals or assists, but his effort is admirable, a great role model for younger footballers. Other contenders are Bacary LaSagna and Samir Nasri.

AV v FPTP

2011-05-04T22:30:00.004+01:00

On Thursday ^5th May, voters will vote on the issue of using AV to elect our MPs into Parliament. If you’re completely unaware of the whole referendum (really?) or don’t have a clue what AV is, read on.

First off, Alternative Vote. Voters will get a single vote and instead of scribing a cross in the candidate of your choice, you number your candidates in preference. AV is a majority system which the winner must achieve 50% + 1 vote to win. If a candidate has the highest of the 1^st preference votes but doesn’t achieve a majority, 2^nd preferences are added on, then 3^rd preferences and so on until one candidate is the winner and he/she goes on to represent the constituency in Parliament. How do the pair compare? Let’s see.

Representation

First Past the Post isn’t a fair representational electoral system when used for an election with multiple candidates. This is because the winning candidate of a constituency could achieve 35% of the electorate’s votes and represent the constituency, but what about the remaining 65% of voters who didn’t vote for that candidate? Is this representational of a constituency where only a minority of the voters want the candidate to represent the area? AV does help resolve this problem by being a majority electoral system but a candidate can win on 2nd preferences.

Mandate

Links with representation here. A winning candidate can win with 37% of the electorate’s vote, but it isn’t so much a strong mandate when only a minority support the candidate. Only a third of elected MPs currently in Parliament won 50% of the votes, not so much a strong mandate there, eh? Since a winner under AV requires a majority of the votes to win, the MP has a greater mandate to go on and represent his/her constituency in Parliament. AV can flush out some of the “weaker” MPs.

Easy to understand?

FPTP is easy to understand; winner is candidate with most votes. AV however can seem complicated, but really isn’t when it boils down to just ranking in preference your candidates. There are far more “confusing” electoral systems than AV. AMS and it’s D’Hondt system anyone?

Tactical voting

A major flaw of FPTP is tactical voting where voters vote against a candidate and vote for the 2^nd likeliest winning candidate to attempt to block the candidate from winning the seat. Under AV, it can be partly resolved where you could for example wish for the Tory candidate to not get the seat, so you could vote the Labour candidate as your 1^st preference and the Conservative candidate last.

Equal votes

Under FPTP, if a voter doesn’t vote for the winning candidate, his/her vote is wasted. Under AV, the ability to rank in preference your candidates means that you do have an equal vote to other vote and even if you didn’t vote for Labour, Conservatives or Liberal Democrats, your 4^th or 5^th preferences still can have a say.

Democratic?

First Past the Post favours a two party system between the Labour and Conservative parties and safe seats. Under AV, it's slightly more democratic, but note I said "slight". Under AV, Liberal Democrats would benefit from the system as they're the third biggest political party and seen as an alternative party to vote for, therefore a noted second preference. The claims made that AV would benefit BNP is wrong. It would be quite extreme for the party to win a seat on fifth and sixth preferences which the No to AV campaign is making out to be something that could very well happen. Plus the BNP are campaigning against AV, so why would it benefit a party that doesn't even want the system?

Personally, if I could vote, I would vote yes. Partly because I think it’s a better electoral system but then again, any other system is. I’m all for proportional representation since it’s right for modern UK Politics and First Past the Post is a system that’s failed to stand the test of time and serves no place in UK Politics since we have multiple political parties and it’s undemocratic to use a electoral system that favours a two party system.

If AV was to be used in UK General Elections, then it would be rather a stumble than a step forward. AV is a better system, but it’s not the desired system that we, the public want. That’s why we feel cheated. We finally get a referendum on electoral reform and we get a half arsed one since it’s a compromise. To think, if the Liberal Democrats hadn’t been so weak to the Conservatives and stood their ground, we would have a referendum on STV, what everyone really wants. This feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity to get rid of the ancient First Past the Post system and we’re being offered a weak alternative. Alternative vote.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP 18: Waterloo Road Struts Its Stuff

2011-04-17T23:27:00.004+01:00

(I finally did something!)

Last episode, Lauren and Amy strolled into school looking like two girls who have seen one too many Madonna music videos and everyone pointed and laughed at how awful they looked. Karen however, decided that the kids might as well have a fashion show to express their fashion talents. Oh here we go. Ronan thought this would be a great opportunely to show off his fashion and make up skills to charm the socks off Vicki, who he snogged last episode. The young lady described it as a "I waz lyke well hung, u know like" snog but then tried to soften the blow by agreeing that it was a "friend snog". Ronan was gutted, but he's Ronan, a charming young man and he won't stop until he meets his goal. Out of the blue came his mentor, Will Mellor of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps fame, out of his shiny, fancy car with his white shirt, leather jacket and sunglasses, the sort of look that women seem to like, particularity Vicki who quivered at the knees instantly.

Adanna didn't like the whole event because it "objectified" the kids (She truly is a diet Kim) and especially after he showed up. You see, they had a bit of history in which they hooked up and you can figure out the rest and I had the sneaky feeling that some man from her past was going to pop up after she said she's been married 3 times. Anyway, the writers made Vicki a girl with low self esteem of her own appearance, but since Ronan cares about her, he got his good ol' buddy Dan to try and make her cheer up about herself (Quite cliche) and she was given a fancy dress and even some lunch! Vicki was infatuated by Dan's charms and went in for the snog with Adanna popping up to immediately think the worse, especially after the whole Bex/Hodgy affair. "I don't date kids!" he proclaimed! Crikey, an adult that doesn't like children, something that's quite rare in the Waterloo Road universe.

Couldn't help but laugh with Ronan discovered Vicki and Dan hugging when he had make up on and flashing his bare chest.

Miss McDonald stormed off and she was clearly embarrassed by the whole affair, even offending Ronan's handy work. Vicki hugged Dan as a thank you, but oh dear, cue Ronan to assume that he was trying to get it on with Vicki. She was upset and after realising how the effort that Ronan put in turning a picnic blanket into a dress, she decided to wear it and boy, she looked fab-u-lous in it. So there you go, Ronan scores the girl he wanted to take advantage of at the party. At least he did it by winning her heart, not waiting until she's pissed and a bit worse for wear.

Cesca and Jonah weren't worrying about being caught out this episode, but rather what they should do about the foetus inside Cesca. She was adamant about aborting their baby, much to the sadness of Jonah who begged that she reconsidered. But all it took to change her mind in the end was a soppy and cheesy call from her hunk to make her think twice about the abortion and for her reward, he proposed to her in the suspiciously always empty art room. Oh wow. Talk about moving too fast, Jonah. By snogging Jonah's face off, she meant yes and they celebrated by having a session in the room, but oh no, cue Ronan to pop up and be completely gob smacked about seeing his mate baring his chest and Cesca in a tank top looking all guilty. Oh aye aye, señor.

Waterloo Road pay homage to The Deer Hunter.

Denzil is up to no good with Kyle who are both doing dangerous things for money. What's the dangerous event this episode? Downing large bottles of fizzy drinks. Hardcore. One girl (Can't remember her name) opposed this reckless behaviour and couldn't see the fun in boys pissing themselves because they can't handle chugging bottles of cheap lemonade. So with the bets in, it was Harry, Denzil, Kyle and some random boy competing together to win some money and to see who has the largest bladder. Harry pulled off his signature move and so did the extra to set up Kyle v Denzil, a real Frost v Nixon duel. Kyle pissed himself so Denzil won, most to the disapproval of that girl, but he didn't care because he won some money. He did however spew up near the fashion show stage, which is a shame because if it were on the catwalk, it would have certainly livened up the show with girls in heels attempting to dodge the sick while looking like they fell out of a wardrobe of charity clothes.

Grantly reads extracts of Katie Price's new book.

Ruby was given a push from Grantly to write a novel and she attempted to write a romance novel. Grantly proof read what she did so far and from his description, we could see it was all sex with no plot, rather like your average porn film. Ruby enlisted Grantly to help her turn this bargain bin soft porn novel into a Jane Austin novel which if Grantly was writing, would have some sarky character that mutters a one liner every scene. Certainly would have liven up Pride and Prejudice.