[–]Latch 1 point 6 days ago

• permalink
• report
• give gold
• reply

[–]themikelawrence[S] 4 points 7 days ago

I know, stupid of me. This movie caused me a lot of stress and anger when it came out. I figured I could watch it again for two reasons: 1. My girlfriend had never seen it and she wants to watch all of the Marvel movies leading up to the Avengers coming out. I figured if sitting through this shit pile was going to allow me to watch the Avengers without having to explain why Samuel L. Jackson has an eyepatch, than fair enough. 2. I figured that without all the hype and expectations I had before and a year and a half removed from when I last saw it, might mellow me out. Plus being in love with a wonderful woman has put me in a much happier place.

Well, it didn’t work. It still sucks. Here’s 7 reasons why

5. 3 action sequences. That’s right, the movie is 2 hours long and there are 3 action sequences. You have the Monaco fight scene which is pretty fun, the ridiculously stupid comedy fight with zero stakes between War Machine and Iron Man and the finale fight where all the drones are easily disposed of. Not to mention it ends with….

4. Whiplash being punked out like a bitch. I mean, it’s really sad. They build Whiplash up (Not that they ever call him that, he’s only known as Vanko, despite the whips) and make him look like a badass, hanging dudes, walking away from things that blow up, and asking for his boid. Real men have boids.It’s like a bird but more tough. Despite all the build up, he loses in less than two minutes in a  fight where nothing is at risk since the main threat of people being hurt at the expo has already been neutralized. He also takes off his helmet right in the middle of the fight for some reason which is  a huge thing in comic book movies. People need to get that last glimpse of the actor so the actor knows that the audience knows that the actor was in the movie. This happens all the time in comic book movies (All 3 Spider-man movies), but rarely in comic books, because sometimes the fake world that was drawn makes more sense than the one that was filmed with real actors.

3. Scarlet Johansen talks- Scarlet Johansen plays the Black Widow, one of the more complex characters in the Marvel universe with all the grace and poise of a pillow filled with apple juice. Literally, watch a pillow filled with apple juice and then watch Scarlet Johansen. One is way more compelling and it’s not the thing that does the same headscissors move eight fucking times.

2. The whole thing feels rushed and uninspired. While the first Iron Man was a refreshing wonder that felt like it was the first film to be fully entrenched in the Marvel Universe and capture all the joy and tropes of Stan Lee (and his team of artists and actual writers) this movie comes off as a complete work for hire job, a small and unnecessary cash cow and building block to further the story of the Avengers. Even Robert Downey Jr., who was exciting and whimsical in the first movie just seems like he’s phoning it in. I think this movie was a case of the studio announcing a release date while the script was still being rewritten. No one seems to be trying hard except Sam Rockwell who plays a great smarmy prick, but seeing him in the movie for 10 minutes and leaving him to go back to our exhausted hero almost makes his performance feel like a tease and reminder of how great Downey once was.

1. It’s really a movie about loving your dad-  I get that comic book heroes are heavy handed sometimes. The idea of Tony having his heart actually replaced with a new one works because of how well Downey sold it it in a natural way. What they do this time was dumb. A third of the films scenes are focused on Tony being really sick with a disease that he conveniently contracted just in time for the second film. It’s almost like his body was saying “you don’t really have a threatening antagonist so I’m going to turn against you myself”. How does Tony, super genius, cure himself? By watching old movies of his dead and seeing that the answer was always inside himself. All he had to do was accept his dad, realize that he wasn’t being pushed away as much as he was being groomed as a successor and boom, instant cure to the 90 minute disease.

Pawn Stars really brings the word star to the lowest level possible (And that word’s been tarnished from the likes of wackjobs like Fatty Arbuckle to almost anyone on dancing with the stars). Storage Wars equally smears the word” war ” and considering there’s a Cupcake Wars, War on Christmas, and the rerelease of Star Wars episode 1, I’m not sure how much more that word can take. Many people don’t even recognize Vietnam as a war, but we’re okay with using that word for fucking cupcakes. I’ve never seen eighteen year old kids go off to cupcakes just to get some money for college, but alas.

Both Storage Wars and Pawn Stars present two seedy underbellies (Storage auctions and pawn shops respectively) with nary a seed intact. There’s no underbelly either. These shows to me, while highly addictive, completely expose the reality show format while also showcasing how strong and seductive it is.

I keep speaking of both these shows in the same breath because they both look, feel, and sound the same. One’s on history channel and one is on A&E and yet, I don’t think there’s anything historical, artful, or entertaining  about either show. They’re just there, each episode interchangeable from the next. People come in to the pawn shop and find out their valuable stuff is worthless. People bid on storage spaces and hope worthless stuff is valuable. Experts get asked to examine questionable items (Seemingly for free, as if they’re just sitting around, waiting for a phone call, thinking “I sure hope someone calls and asks me to appraise a Ty Cobb rookie card I’ll realize is fake”). These experts will pontificate for minutes about the history (See, it’s historical!! ) in an artful and entertaining (See!!! See!!!) way, all while the pawn store guy or storage bidder (They’re different I swear), stares off into the distance, til they get to ask how much the thing is worth.

This (or these) show(s) is (are) one of the most popular things in the ratings. I’m hooked and am ashamed to say so. It doesn’t give me that fun feeling that Glee does.There’s no boisterous musical numbers or sledgehammer like gay agenda that lets you know it’s made with an actual point of view But it is watchable and reliable.The old guy will get grumpy, the young guy will feel the need to prove himself and the fat guy will look exhausted most of the time.  It’ll sometimes take five minutes for me to realize whether or not I’ve seen an episode, which is still better than Man Vs. Food where it takes me about ten (There’s also nothing as cringe inducing on these shows as there are in Man Vs. Food’s horrifically staged post-binge press conferences, where kids and adults alike ask the dumbest written questions to man who looks like he’s about to shit out of every hole).

Pawn Wars or Storage Stars or Where’s the Fucking Money works because it’s low stakes but dramatic enough to keep you interested. There’s nothing subtle or sublime but it is consistent. It’s like talking to your grandpa. You’ll learn something impractical, it’ll pass a few minutes, and you’ll realize how depressing it really all is when your done looking at it.

I’ve always been that way, coming late to trends.I had roller skates when everyone else had roller blades, and listened to a cassette player when CDs were already in vogue (Remember when you had to listen to a whole album?)

One of the downsides to this is that by the time you get to the party it’s either winding down or not what you thought it was. I genuinely miss arcade’s and the arcade experience and except that there’s no way of going back. However, after playing online it’s easy to admit that it’s not close to being the same.

After a day with this game, I’ve lost a large amount of times. Major awful ass kickings. I came home last night after what I could safely say was too many open mics and shows (sometimes that’s one) and was already tired and beat down before getting beat down way more. And it was kind of an empty feeling.

I didn’t see who was beating me. I was alone in my apartment surrounded by my defeat (and some nacho crumbs). Shookyhooks89 isn’t a person or an idea. I don’t even know what I’m losing to.

I remember going to the arcades and when I’d get thrashed there in an impressive way it was extremely impressive. I could put a face to the person who just expertly destroyed me. I’d wonder about the guys I played against, what the rest of their lives were like, if they’d already thought I sucked based on the way I looked and were that much more confident.

I also remember the joy of victory, the few times I would win. And most of the time when I won it was against people who had beaten me at every other aspect of life. But my Blanka was a little faster than their Ken (Which is who we both were socially) and so it felt like a real upset, beating someone in a game who could easily beat me up in real life at any moment they wanted to.

Now there are just screen names. Can you imagine if Rocky was decided by watching an online battle between Phillywop34 and Carlmotherfuckingweathers21?

I’m going to keep trying this online thing, try to get used to it but I think I’m beholden to the past when I at least knew what I was up against. I want to see how I’m going to die. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

It’s fine. Totally cool. When I set up the foundation to build a temple praising the greatness of the show with my glowing words, I can see you gearing up the wrecking ball to tell me how shitty it is, how gay the musical numbers (as if it’s not just one more reason to love it), how fake it is, how much older the actors are then the characters they play…I get it. Me liking Glee invalidates every negative thing I’ve ever said about anything you like. How can I say Star Wars is boring when I made a mother and a daughter serenading each other to Poker Face appointment television?They haven’t seen each other in seventeen years but they must talk about their lovin’ with their muffin and those promises, promises….

There are many arguments to why Glee sucks and I can probably pull a few out from the advantage point of someone who’s been completely let down by the show at times.You’re turned off by how over the top Lea Michele’s acting is? How about the fact that her character has been given the same two storylines over and over (she overshadows the other girls, she doesn’t know how to love). My hate’s a lot more focused than yours buddy. Blind hatred aint got nothing on 20/20 hatred.

Glee does anger me a lot. More than a lot of other things I’ve loved in the past. Sometimes I leave the show a confused mess, scratching my head as to why I ever cared, getting into some crazy philosophical arguments with myself. If they ever win nationals they would no longer be the underdogs, but if they keep losing all the time can I keep caring? How can Brittney be incredibly dumb to the point of believing in Santa Clause and leprechauns one second to defending her self worth as a dignified woman the next?

I don’t mind it so much though for the simple fact that the show at least makes me feel something. I leave every episode with some kind of emotion, whether it be utter happiness at how they pulled off a Willy Wonka funeral or rage over having to hear Mercedes bitch about how she’s always second banana. It’s a show that has no mediocre moments and I think that’s what is great about it. You never leave feeling indifferent. You either just watched the best or worst thing you saw that week on television. There are so many formulaic reality shows and comedies that keep running circles but Glee keeps you guessing. That Katy Perry number can go either way. Never heard a song from Wicked? Guess what bitch, you’re downloading it now!

I don’t need to defend Glee, because if you hate it and throw a slushee in it’s face you don’t deserve it anyway. I know the ritual in which I partake in, and whether or not I have dozens of people to share it with, or no one but myself, I’m good and strapped in for the long run. Except for the concerts. I could father most of the people there and I’m not even thirty yet.

Just about every time R.E.M. ever came out with an album they had broken up or the always popular “they’ve come back to form” which means they made a new song that reminded fans of the old songs.

Certainly the news of them breaking up can either make you think about the 25-plus year hall of fame career they’ve had or it’ll make you think about how shitty you’ve think they’ve been since they’ve stopped being great.

And really it’s all in how you choose to look at it. You can either be the kind of person that thinks artists only exists to make the art you like or you can be happy for what they did and for the ability they should have to hopefully enjoy the rest of their lives either making whatever personal music on their they want on their own or never making music again.

I think one of the great things about pop culture is that each fan does get to edit it in their own way. To me, the Simpsons ended at season 9 and they never went on to make that movie with all the original writers like they said they would. We can only imagine what they would’ve come up with, but maybe some things are better left to the imagination.

Ric Flair retired gracefully at Wrestlemania 24 after an instant classic with Shawn Michaels and a classy send-off the  next night. He stays retired and only makes a few brief public appearances, such as consoling Mickey Rourke for losing the Oscar to Sean Penn (Because you can’t change everything).

K.I.S.S. never reunited (or existed), Star Wars is a fun, goofy space opera trilogy full of puppets and other practical effects..Wally West and Kyle Rayner did fine jobs of replacing their predecessors as Flash and Green Lantern respectfully, and Jim Carrey sure was funnny in the 80s and showed he could act really well in both comedies and dramas, dying tragically right before his last film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was released (He’d already recorded the voiceover work for Horton Hears a Who, the only film adaptation of Dr. Seuss work to ever be released.

So goodbye R.E.M.. Your saying it now, but I think we all said it years ago.

I was thinking about Amy Winehouse this morning. I like to begin my day by thinking about dead people. “Don’t end up like her and you’ll be alright”. I listened to her song “Valerie”. I know it’s originally a cover of a song by the Zutons, but when you listen to that version, it really makes it ok to call it her song. With the help of producer Mark Ronson, who basically just Motowns everything and makes it a million times better (Listen to his remix of Lily Allen’s Smile if you disagree), she rocks it. And yes, I know I’m probably too old (or too young at this point) to say “rocks it” but she does:

I think some of the quality of it might be in the fact that she’s dead. I’d heard the song once or twice when she was alive,but now, that she’s dead it just sounds better. There are some artists like that. People who were already kind of haunting and ghost-like with their vocals before but really become more so when they could actually be ghosts. Listen to that song and tell me she might not be doing an encore of it in a Ghostbusters containment unit with Gozer and Vigo breakdancing.

Here’s my list of ten other people that sound better now that they’re dead-

10. Ronnie Van Zandt

9. Billy Holiday

8. Dimebag Darrel’s riffs

7. Nick Drake

6. Shannon Hoon

5. Amy Winehouse

4.  Cat Stevens ( Cat died so that Yussaf Islam could live)

3.Sam Cook

2. Jeff Buckley

1. Elliot Smith