The Raid
A SWAT team faces off against a mobster’s army of thugs in a tower block. This film is getting a huge amount of buzz and looks to be filled wall to wall with ridiculous action of the highest quality. Probably best to avoid if you are of a delicate disposition. Take your inhaler.

2 Days in New York
In this sequel to 2 Days in Paris the culture clash has moved to New York and Adam Goldberg has been swapped for Chris Rock. If there’s anyone who thrives in romantic comedy dramas set over a specific short time frame it is Julie Delphy.

The Source (limited release)
Women in a small village go on sex strike to encourage their men to fetch water from a distant well. The men react badly rather than doing the sensible thing and simply moving closer to the well and/or withholding their DIY skills to further enforce gender stereotypes.

Even the Rain (limited release)
Set around the production of a film about Christopher Columbus as it is disrupted by protests surrounding the privatisation of the local water supply. Not exactly the most enticing of plots and there’s not even any sex or violence, just some strong language.

The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (limited release)
Re-release of 1940s drama about, well… the life and death of Colonel Blimp.

If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle (limited release)
A teenager in prison finds love on the inside two weeks before his release. I suggest he shivs a guard to get his stay extended. Anything for love!

She Monkeys (limited release)
Two teenage girls with a fondness for equestrian vaulting share a crush and a relationship filled with physical and psychological challenges.

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After I gushed over the BBC’s hugely successful and coolly modernised Sherlock Holmes series, Sherlock I thought I should at least write my first thoughts on the little we have seen of US broadcaster, CBS’s upcoming take on the detective: the whimsically titled, Elementary.

There seems to be a lot of hesitation around the series (including from myself) but there is also something infinitely cool about the fact that Johnny Lee Miller, who (in Danny Boyle’s  2011 Frankenstein play) switched between the roles of Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s Monster with Benedict Cumberbatch nightly, making this the second time the pair of them will be ‘sharing’ a role.

In the new three-minute preview (below) we don’t seem to be offered anything gobsmackingly revolutionary or particularly interesting, but if one thing is clear it is that Elementary certainly looks like it will be quite different in look and feel from Sherlock.

I don’t know whether to start with the fact that Englishman, Miller’s Sherlock puts on an uncanny impression of David Hyde Pierce (“Niles Crane, Private Detective!”) or that Dr John Watson has sex-changed into Lucy Liu.

Past the quirkiness of Rubik’s Cubing the discovering of corpses whilst cops blather about how amazing the ‘world’s most famous detective is’ it seems evident that the show is going to also heavily revolve around the chemistry and friendship of Holmes and Joan Watson (I see what they did there) – who appear to meet in a rehab centre after Sherlock’s drug problem takes him to New York.

That chemistry between the leads is arguably one of the greatest things about the BBC’s series, with Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch’s ambiguous harmony creating excellent character-driven storytelling. Worryingly, from the trailer alone, sexual tension seems pretty apparent in Elementary. Hmm, I spy my first major qualm with the show. I don’t oppose to romantic interests in Sherlock Holmes tales, just romantic interests in Sherlock Holmes tales who aren’t Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch.

From the trailer CBS’s Sherlock Holmes looks and feels more human and therefore potentially more vulnerable than the BBC’s which could allow for some great drama if he isn’t going to always remain in a Cumberbatch-bubble of non-existent emotion. Elementary has stuck with an English Sherlock but seems to have changed just about everything else so I am ready to give it a fair chance. In all the Sherlock hype at the moment it is a shame that FOX’s long-running television series, Sherlock Holmes M.D. ends next next week, too.

Anyway, never mind my rubbish opinion, watch the trailer and decide for yourself:

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Any film that involves a piranha swimming into a woman’s lady-parts (making an excellent ‘pop’ noise as it does so) and waits patiently for a number of days for the first chance it gets to bite a man’s hoo-hah off is a good film in my book*. Yes, the Piranha franchise is back with Piranha 3DD! Do you get it? They added the second ‘D’ because on top of the three dimensions the film is in, the producers are word-playing on the fact that there is a lot of screen time for boobs too! Those comedians.

With a completely plausible and serious plot, Piranha 3DD focuses on the tragic events of what happens when a North American town is plagued by prehistoric piranha (erupting from a dead, farting cow this time around) that have managed to navigate their way through man-made pipe systems into a stripper themed waterpark named … ‘Big Wet’. Oh my.

Seriously though, gratuitous reels of naked ladies aside, Piranha 3DD genuinely does manage to form a semi-decent plot, helped massively by a likeable cast led by Danielle Panabaker and Matt Bush (who, for the record, aren’t big-boobed and dripping wet). Sure, on the whole it might be the dumbest thing ever released [this month] but where else do we get to watch Christopher Lloyd champion “laughing diarrhoea baby” on Youtube, David Hasselhoff jiggle his own double D’s or enjoy a legless Marcellus Wallace cry like a baby in a baby pool? There is nowhere else for such absurdity! So just make do with this incredibly stupid but highly entertaining pornographic drama and enjoy it for what it is: an incredibly stupid but highly entertaining pornographic drama.

Additionally, as an advocate of 2D films I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t find ‘Piranha 2DD’ anywhere, but the 3D gets the job done well enough (it was filmed entirely in the format, unlike its predecessor) so I cannot really offer up any real complaints on that front.

Piranha 3DD is a ridiculous and heart-warming (you tell me Paul Sheer and Ving Rhames don’t have chemistry) waterslide of fun that will be keeping cinemagoers out of Stripper Waterparks for a long time. Funny, inane and with quotable dialogue to rival Anchorman, Piranha 3DD is too stupid to miss. Seeing The Avengers tonight? Get yourself to this instead, dummy!

*-If it’s in the trailer, it’s not a spoiler, you Negative Nancy.

For ‘Frolicsome film and pizza with friends’ Times

For ‘Film-making as an Art’

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The Dictator
That scoundrel Sacha Baron Cohen is back with his fourth feature, the first to not feature a character from Da Ali G Show. This time Baron Cohen is playing Admiral General Aladeen, dictator of a fictional country called the Republic of Wadiya, who is summoned by the UN to discuss his nuclear program. Looking decidedly more scripted than his more recent work The Dictator appears on the surface to be easily the second best film Baron Cohen has made. Put that on your poster!

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Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake (limited release)
I’m told that Matthew Bourne’s re-interpretation of Swan Lake is a modern dance classic. I’m also told that dance is one of the few times that 3D really works. If “they” are to be believed then this 3D cinematic recording of the ballet is a must see, not least because you will finally understand Black Swan. I’m still scared of ballet, someone may have to hold my hand.

The Man with the Jazz Guitar (limited release)
“The delightful portrait of the fascinating 50s jazz musician and popular radio broadcaster, Ken Sykora, told through his vast archive of sound recordings and memorabilia.” As usual with these films I have no idea who Ken Sykora is.

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Therefore

PLEASE NOTE: All films deliberately chosen to prove whatever point I was trying to make

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M’coll Hugh Laurie and I are cooking up a project together. We will be working again soon. Sorry to be mysterious but more news when I can.

Monday, 14th May 2012 1:16 pm via Tweetbot for iOSReplyRetweetFavorite

@stephenfry

Stephen Fry

Soupy twist

ETA:

M’coll Hugh & I will be working together to voice the new animated feature of Oscar Wilde’s THE CANTERVILLE GHOST: http://t.co/x66DV3Ml

Tuesday, 15th May 2012 10:04 am via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@stephenfry

Stephen Fry

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It’s that time of year again; the Film4 Summer Screen at Somerset House line-up has been revealed with the usual mix of classic films, cult hits and UK premieres. There’s no better way to see a film than outside at night as you lie on stone floor with your friends eating a middle-class picnic.

Tickets go on sale this Friday 18th May from the Somerset House website and before you go be sure to read our Somerset House survival guide, do not go unprepared.

How anyone could resist seeing The Birds on the big screen is beyond me.

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Dark Shadows
A vampire rises from the ruins of a McDonald’s in the early 70s and moves back into his former home with a dysfunctional group of descendants. Shot in the UK with a soap opera sensibility, don’t be too surprised if William Roach makes a cameo.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home
A bit of mainstream mumblecore about a pair of brothers failing at life. Jeff, who lives at home, spends the days with his brother Pat as they follow Pat’s (potentially) adulterous wife.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
One 9-year-old’s essay about their summer vacation will apparently involve helping Mel Gibson to survive in a Mexican prison. Certainly beats “I went camping in Wales for a week”. I don’t think I’ve ever helped Mel Gibson to survive anything, shame on me.

All in Good Time
British comedy about a newly wed couple who struggle to find the privacy they need to consummate their marriage. Expect the climax of the film to be the young couple checking into a Premier Inn with a wink and a smile.

Piranha 3DD
Get excited everyone, the piranhas are back! If this is anything like its predecessor then we are guaranteed one hell of a fun film where the 3D and the plot don’t take themselves too seriously. Expect boobs, blood, and naughty words.

Café de Flore (limited release)
French Canadian film telling two seemingly unconnected love stories. Described as a “mystical and fantastical odyssey on love” this is possibly a better date movie than Piranha 3DD, depending on who you’re dating.

Mitsuko Delivers (limited release)
A pregnant woman moves back to the working-class alley where she grew up in Tokyo and sorts everyone else’s lives out.

Charlie Casanova (limited release)
After killing a working girl in a hit and run, as you do, Charlie resigns himself from making decision in his life letting a pack of playing cards decide his fate instead. Ace of Spades, tequila shots. Queen of Hearts, kill a hooker.

Beloved (limited release)
Romantic musical drama starring Catherine Deneuve which spans three decades and follows a mother and daughter’s misadventures in love. Calling it a French Mamma Mia would be a stupid thing to do.

Faust (limited release)
Man sells his soul to the devil in exchange for knowledge, things end badly.

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Joss Whedon has always been a big name in my circle of friends. This is the man who brought us Buffy and Angel, the man who made the short-lived and overlooked Firefly, and the man who made Dollhouse – a series I’m still trying to forget.

Now Whedon’s Avengers is breaking box office records having just had the biggest US opening weekend of all time. Joss Whedon is suddenly king of the blockbuster, the man can do no wrong and wears a crown made entirely of frozen fanboys’ tears of joy. This achievement is all the more impressive when you consider the fact that this is Whedon’s second film as director and that his first attempt was nowhere near as successful.

Serenity has a few things in common with Avengers; featuring an ensemble cast banding together to share witty dialogue and fight the good fight against bad guys from outer space. That’s pretty much where the similarities end. Serenity had no big-name actors compared to Avengers, which hired the entire contents of IMDb. The budgets are separated by $180 million with Avengers costing the same as five and a half Serenitys. The origins of each film’s mythology are also wildly different; Avengers having had six feature films preceding it and decades of back-story in comic form, while Serenity was a spin-off from a 13 episode TV series that was never aired in full.

Joss Whedon’s talents as a film-maker have always been there. What has changed in the past seven years is that he has finally been given an audience willing to watch. When Serenity came out I was in full fanboy mode and saw the film three times before it was even released, a feat easily trumped by a number of other fans, but the general population barely noticed its appearance. In total Serenity made less than $40 million in cinemas, while Avengers has already made well over $700 million and counting.

Joss Whedon has only released two films as a director and they are barely comparable. His third bucks the trend even further, an adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing shot in black and white in a matter of days at his own house. Whedon is sure to be a success in the future but it looks like he’ll be keeping us guessing with each new film. Now where’s my Giles spin-off?

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Growing up Kevin Clash only wanted one thing; to be a puppeteer like Jim Henson from Sesame Street. After years spent making his own puppets and decades working his way through the world of puppetry Clash is living his dream. Kevin Clash is Elmo.

Told through interviews with Clash, his family and colleagues, bizarrely detailed archive footage and new footage of Clash at work on Sesame Street, making live appearances and throwing one hell of a Sweet Sixteen for his daughter, Being Elmo is a documentary lacking in sensationalism and shock revelations. Being Elmo tells a simple story of a man following his dreams and tells it well.

The resulting film is possibly one of the most heart-warming documentaries I have ever seen, I dare you not to cry at least once. Kevin Clash is a humble man who has succeeded through sheer talent and drive, putting his career ahead of everything else in his life. In Elmo he created a character who simply wants to love and you can see that reflected in the children Clash insists on meeting as Elmo personally, not letting a second puppeteer share the responsibility.

Being Elmo isn’t perfect. Throughout there are hints that not everything was perfect in Clash’s life as he references a divorce and we briefly hear how he regrets spending so much time with other people’s children when he has his own daughter at home. This is definitely the glossy Muppet version of Kevin Clash with any imperfection sewn up with invisible seams.

Being Elmo is all about following your dreams no matter what. What could be wrong with that?

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Silent House
Indie cinema’s latest wunderkind Elizabeth Olsen stars in this haunted house horror. The story is told in real time and with no visible cuts, the action unfold in, what looks like, a single camera take. I am guaranteed to watch this from behind my hands. I can’t wait.

Safe
Jason Statham has outdone himself. This time he is playing an ex-cage fighter protecting a young girl who is being hunted by the Russian mafia, Triads and corrupt members of the NYPD. Good grief Statham, what next? Jason Statham as a retired Ninja Geisha on the run from Aslan the lion, the reincarnation of Hitler, and his own clone?

Angel & Tony (limited release)
A Frenchman teaches a beautiful young woman how to fish. And presumably she eats for a lifetime.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai (limited release)
“A tale of revenge, honor and disgrace” involving at least one Samurai. SPOILER ALERT: He dies.

Beauty and the Beast 3D (limited release)
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Ask me nicely and I’ll sing you this new version of the classic Disney tune. Just call me Mrs. Potts.

Juan of the Dead (limited release)
Imagine Shaun of the Dead with zombie Cubans instead of a naked Peter Serafinowicz. Can you get a Cornetto in Cuba?

Goodbye First Love (limited release)
A foreign romantic drama for all you love birds out there. I remember my first love, we were four and her dad drove a milk float. Where are you now Jennifer?

Two Years at Sea (limited release)
Documentary about Jake, a man who lives alone in the middle of the forest and avoids most human contact. Field trip anyone?

Le Quai des Brumes (limited release)
French re-release from the late 1930s in which “a military deserter finds love and trouble (and a small dog) in a smoky French port city”. I wonder whether the small dog was the love or the trouble?

Dinotasia (limited release)
DINOSAUR DOCUMENTARY!!!

Monsieur Lazhar (limited release)
Comedy drama about suicide and loss from the Frenchy end of Canada. A teacher commits suicide and their replacement must help the students deal with their grief. Sounds laugh a minute.

Piggy (limited release)
Violent British feature about grief, revenge, plot twists, and “over 90 uses of strong language and seven uses of very strong language, six of which are spoken and one of which occurs in the form of graffiti on a wall.”

Clone (London West End only)
I saw Clone back when it was called Womb in 2010 and it was beautiful if more than a little bizarre. Eva Green plays a woman who impregnates herself with the clone of her dead lover, Matt Smith, after he dies. Things do not go smoothly.

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We are currently giving away copies of The Tim Burton Collection on DVD so I’ve got my grubby hands on the DVDs and put together a run-down of the collection.

The first thing to note is that this is a Warner Bros. release so there is no Nightmare Before Christmas or Edward Scissorhands to be found. Get over it.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure
Burton’s feature film debut was a big screen outing for one of children’s television’s most energetic/disturbing characters. Pee-wee’s bike is stolen so he goes on an adventure across America to get it back. Whether you like this film or not will really depend on whether you love or loathe Pee-wee himself. It’s a cult hit! But then so is High School Musical in some circles.*

Beetle Juice
Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice is not in Beetle Juice/Beetlejuice nearly as much as you’d expect. The focus is instead on the recently deceased couple, Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis, who summon Beetlejuice to scare away the new inhabitants on their former home. An eccentric comedy Beetle Juice is classic Burton and is where he really set the visual style we know, love and mock gently. Worth noting that the DVD for this was in 4:3 aspect ratio when the film should be 1.85:1, disgraceful.

Batman
Cast your mind back to when the character of Batman was not to be taken too seriously. It was a time when Batman meant gothic camp and Michael Keaton wore the rubber pointy ears. With Jack Nicholson as a terrifying Joker with a fixed wide grin this Batman is a very different interpretation to Chris Nolan’s but equally valid and a little more fun.

Mars Attacks!
An underrated classic piece of Sci-Fi comedy in my opinion. Mars invades earth and promptly start to kill everyone until Tom Jones comes to the rescue. Starring pretty much everyone you’ve ever heard of, including Jack Nicholson twice, this is a real joy and personal favourite. Keep walking pervert, Natalie Portman is about fourteen in this.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Not wanting to be too negative but Burton’s remake of the amazing 1971 film is absolutely awful. Johnny Depp seems to be channelling Michael Jackson via the Child Catcher. It’s just plain bad and you’d be much better off watching Gene Wilder ham it up for an hour and a half. If it ain’t broke don’t try to fix it, fail and make an unholy mess.

Corpse Bride
Burton brings together his favourite people, Depp and Bonham Carter, to play a couple who span the line between life and death in a stop-motion animation musical that somehow lacks all the charm of The Nightmare Before Christmas, which it will inevitably be compared to until we all get on with our lives, forget about films and go outside for a bit. The film is fun, but not great.

Sweeney Todd
Burton tackles Hugh Wheeler’s bloody musical with some success. Not for everyone but the gothic tone and dark humour is perfect for Tim Burton and at no point do any Oompa-Loompas try to perform hip-hop. *shudder* My only issue with this film is that Anthony Head had his musical number cut down to a small cameo. We’ll always have those four episodes of Buffy though.

It’s a mixed bag of films but I’d say that the good far outweighs the sole crime against cinema. This is a solid collection of films well worth owning on DVD, but is this the right box set for the task? It is so long as you aren’t a fiend for bonus content as just two of the films, Pee-Wee and Corpse Bride, have special features beyond trailers and scene selection.

It is worth winning a copy though? OF COURSE!

*I have “I Love Troy” socks. Who am I to talk?

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Because at one point putting a giant (American) pie into a still from The Lucky One seemed like a good move.

American Reunion
When the first American Pie film came out I was four years too young to see it. Back then it was the hit of the playground; dirty and funny enough to strike a chord with a generation. Now that we’re all grown up and the franchise is on its fourth (or possibly eighth) instalment, do the jokes hold up or will we need more than toilet humour to amuse us?

The Lucky One
Zac Efron plays a soldier who is saved from an explosion when distracted by a photograph in the sand. Convinced that the woman in the photo is his good luck charm he tracks her down when back from the war. Romance and drama ensues as Efron attempts to melt the underwear of women all over the world. Ew.

Lawrence of Belgravia (limited release)
“An intimate documentary portrait of Lawrence, the musician behind cult UK bands Felt, Denim and Go-Kart Mozart.” Lawrence is the greatest pop star who never quite made it to being famous. Well, I’ve certainly never heard of him or any of his bands but then I haven’t heard of half of these lot either.

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©2012 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. All Rights Reserved.

To celebrate the release of ‘The Tim Burton Collection’ this week, we’re giving you the chance to win one of three boxsets and take home these eight Tim Burton films; Sweeney Todd, Beetle Juice, Batman, Batman Returns, Corpse Bride, Mars Attacks!, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Sweeney Todd tells the tale of a 19th Century barber who has revenge on his mind while Beetle Juice is an obnoxious poltergeist conjured up to bedevil an oddball family. The collection also contains blockbusters Batman and Batman Returns which sees the fearless Gotham City crimestopper take on both the Joker and the Penguin.

Corpse Bride is Burton’s stop-motion animated wonder that follows Victor who is whisked away to the land of the dead to marry a mysterious corpse bride, while in Mars Attacks! the earth is invaded by mean, green invaders armed with insta-ray guns.

The collection also features Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which is Burton’s remake of the classic Roald Dahl’s children’s novel, and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure which tells the story of Pee-wee Herman as he embarks on a cross-country search for his stolen bicycle.

To enter for your chance to win this amazing collection of classic movies on DVD, all you have to do is answer the following question:

Competition closes at midnight on Monday 7th May and three winners will be chosen at random and contacted on Tuesday 8th May.

Terms and Conditions
• This prize is non-transferable.
• No cash alternatives apply.
• UK entries only
ThePrizeFinder – UK Competitions
Loquax Competitions
CompetitionsToday.co.uk
UK Competitions

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