My fellow Americans.

It’s with a deep sense of pride that I announce my candidacy. Yes, that’s right. I’m running for President of the United States.

Now I know what you’re thinking…

How could anyone possibly do it better? We’re already living in the golden age.

Fair point.

But let me ask you a question…

Shouldn’t we always strive for more? Or would you rather just rest on our (wildly impressive) laurels? Me, I believe in progress. And after carefully studying our society, it’s safe to say:

I know exactly what America wants.

Can I deliver this alone? Of course not. We’re all just flesh-and-blood individuals. But together we can be so much more. Please allow me a moment to humbly offer some new ideas. And if you share my dreams of a brighter future for our nation? Then maybe you’ll grant me the honor of your vote. Without further ado…

Here’s my five-point plan to make America kick ass again.

(pronounced MAKAA – say it loudly at the end, like a bird squawking)  

1 – Heal the bickering

Does anyone enjoy our election season anymore? All the arguments. Endless noise. Going on and on for months at a time. Both sides agree – it’s exhausting.

Well…

If elected, I’ll finally put an end to this excruciating process. No more months of bickering. That’s right. You’ll be able to sleep soundly in peace and quiet. Knowing our constant fighting will be over. Because now we’ll have only one BIG fight that decides our elections. An extravaganza. Yes, you guessed correctly. I’m talking about a cagematch in Madison Square Garden. Winner takes all.

Two humans, one cage.

The victor gets the presidency. The loser surrenders. And gets deported, of course. It’s a can’t miss pay-per-view event. Limited tickets available on the White House website.  

2 – Field experts, shmeild experts

Recently, I put a great deal of thought into this question – what is an expert? Is it even a real thing? Facts and “knowledge” get debated as much as opinions. There’s really only one thing we can agree on…

That our leaders always seem to be inept.

Aren’t you exhausted? I know I am. Why must we choose between two bad options? It’s almost like we’re being run by the worst of our society. Well, my government will be very different. With the best of us appointed to run America. That’s right…

I’m talking about celebrities.

You’re nodding your head furiously, right? Bingo. Who needs “knowledge” when you can have starpower? And we’re already off to a great start. After meeting with Tiger Woods over the weekend, he’s in negotiations for a role on my staff. I told him go ahead and pick any job. But, to me, Director Of Transportation feels like a great fit. It’s such a bland position. We need a superstar behind the wheel of it.

Fingers crossed.

Like me, you’ve always dreamed of seeing A-listers in charge of our government. We know them. We trust them. Obviously, the rich and famous are well-suited to be public servants. Stars, they’re just like us. For months, I tried to think of a good Director Of Intelligence. Then boom, a bolt of lightning. It came to me. We’re all thinking the same name, right? Because who doesn’t love Britney Spears? In retrospect, our smartest decisions always turn out to be the most obvious. This entire country wants to see her succeed. So, why not show our trust…

By handing her the keys to our nation’s security.

“Let me spread my wings and I will fly.”
-Susan Boyle, American Idol

3 – No new taxes

The dreaded “T-word.” Gross. Yes, taxes suck. Objectively. It’s not exactly a controversial take. But what if I told you I was planning to lower them? Oh, right. Everyone says that. So…

Why don’t I just go ahead and ELIMINATE all of your taxes?

You can go ahead and save the date for my parade. I mean, who needs taxes anyway? Not this guy. And not my America. Sure, you’ll end up paying a bit more than you do now. But I’m officially changing the name to “citizens are awesome” donations.

Way nicer ring to it than “taxes.”

Doesn’t it feel great to be complimented? You are an awesome citizen. And we sure do appreciate your financial contributions. Keep on keepin’ on. By that I mean please work a bit harder because we need more of your money.

But never forget…

We think you’re awesome.

4 – Fix the news confusion

Are you fed up with all the misinformation each day? People trying to trick you. Messing with your beautiful mind. It’s like living in a spider web of confusion. How can someone know what’s fake anymore? Or if anything is still real? Just no way to tell. Your mind stays restless. On high alert.

Until now, that is.

From this day forward, ALL news will be fake. It’s the first thing I’m signing into law. You no longer need to bang your head against the nearest wall to figure out what’s true.

Because nothing will be.

Breathe a giant sigh of relief. Exhale. Your daily confusion is gone. Everything you read or watch will be total baloney. A big, steaming pile of poppycock.    

Except for what I tell you.

Which is always 100% true.

You’re living in the era of TMB. So, just do the T. And I’ll be the M.

Trust me bro.   

5 – Put an end to wars

What’s up with all the fighting? Missiles and bombs everywhere. Day after day. Can’t we all just get along? Yes we can, Rodney.

Yes. We can.

Wouldn’t you love to live in peace? I sure would. And our answer is crystal clear…

We must blow up all the other countries.

How did all of our past administrations drop the ball on this? They totally fumbled the rock. We’ve finally solved our constant fighting. Thanks to a perfect solution. With no other nations, how can there be wars? Quick, hand me a microphone to drop. At long last, you’ll have peace. And, in my second term, maybe we’ll blow up the immigrants too.

(Oh, actually, there won’t be any left)

Best. Prez. Ever.

Small fyi…you’re all needed in the military for this last war. I call it Project Elimination. Might only take a few months to wipe out these other pesky countries. I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. Some of you probably won’t make it out alive. But, hey, thanks for your service.

You’re awesome.

Dear Mom and Dad:

This is quite an occasion. Sure wish you were here. How on earth did I get to my 100^th birthday? An entire century in the books. Been sitting here dreading some big fuss. You know how I am. Thankfully, people nowadays tend to be very busy. Phones and whatnot. There is a beautiful cake here, though. Worth putting the teeth in for.

I really miss you guys.

Wasn’t it just yesterday I hopped off the school bus and into our house? Backpack heavy. Eager to dive face-first into the plate of snacks mom used to make. As if I hadn’t eaten in years. Same level of hunger each afternoon. Guess it takes a lot of fuel to run around like a maniac until sunset.

I still smile at those memories.

Everything ahead.

All of us overflowing with time.

Those days of running have long since come to a close. Not sure I could even remember how to hop. It seems like my finish line is just about here now. Hourglass down to its last few grains of sand. On this occasion, I can’t help but peek back in the rearview…

Was it all sunshine and rainbows? Not really.
Am I the best version of me I could’ve been? No.
Did my childhood dreams come true? Oh goodness, no.  
But do I at least know who I am?

Also no.

At a certain point, we get too old to lie. Even to ourselves. No more energy for that. I think time just got away from me. Weeks disappeared. Then years. Remember my graduation day? From high school? Feels closer to 8 years ago than 8 decades. This tornado of time. Pulling everything into the blur. Do you remember how all my friends would pass around their yearbooks?

They all wrote, “Never Change.”

Pretty much the nicest thing a teenager can say. Imagine if we really had that pause button. So nothing would need to change. Keeping the youth. Our endless energy. That hourglass full of sand.  

I’d still be hopping off the school bus.

Knees and back feeling fine.

We’d sit down for another meal. My old appetite. I’d catch a glimpse of you. Not as a distant memory. But together in a room again. Chatting about nothing in particular. Laughing with ease.

“Never change.”

If only.

Where does it go? A lifetime. Just one blink of the eyes and it’s in the past. Now standing at the finish line. Wishing I could express what you mean to me.  

Do you really know the impact?

I still see you all the time. It’s part of me. Mom’s eyes and dad’s mouth. It’s on my face. And in my heart.

You taught me how to walk.

How to think.  

You live in my sense of humor and wrote my sense of morals.

From the way I cook my eggs,

To my choice of religion.

More than just my strengths, it’s in the weaknesses too. Dad’s struggle to show his feelings. Mom’s temper. Both of you with two left feet.

All of that absorbed. Like a human sponge.  

You brought me into this world.

Then built mine.

It’s harder without you here. This hole inside. But, looking back, I guess I never could let you go. Not for a day. Or even a thought. I hold you so close. Reflected back in my mirror. But did I learn the wrong lesson?

“Never change.”

There it is. My big mistake. Why couldn’t I grasp the depth of love? How that word means so much more. You didn’t need me to think like you. Or be like you. Didn’t even want that. Just lacked the words to say…

“Change.”

There’s no way around it.

Find yourself, not in us.

But in you.

I couldn’t see it. Didn’t get it. Just sitting there for me all along. Your limitations didn’t need to become mine. You didn’t want your box to hold me too. How could you know the power you held? Without a crystal ball to see my future.

Now I’m the one who sees. As clear as day. How hard it is to leave home. Because the physical part is easy. The rest is what takes a lifetime.

I finally understand.

It’s time to step into the light.

But now I’m a hundred years old.

If I concentrate, it’s almost like being back inside the old house.

Scent of fresh-baked cookies floating through the air.

Soundtrack of laughter from the living room.

It really was the best, huh?

Weirdly, never a question we ask ourselves in the moment.

Yup, turns out I pretty much had it all. What more could anyone want? Well, maybe just a pair of clear eyes. To snap all the mental photographs. Because, looking back now, those days were my overflowing cup.

Warm blanket vibes? Check.

Silliness and fun? Absolutely.

House that felt like a home? Big time.  

Strange how we always need to lose something to see it more clearly. Why do we all need that trait? In fairness, it’s possible the “good old days” are just a figment of my imagination. We all romanticize the past. But looking back at it now…

I think maybe I was special.

Yeah, yeah…I know.

Sounds like an arrogant thing to say.  

And, to be clear, I don’t feel the same way now. But, back then? I think maybe I was. Because everyone who came into the house seemed to smile differently when they saw me. All of them. Embarrassing to admit? Sure. But it almost felt like people would gather around me. As if I grabbed their attention. They’d make some comments about my looks and whatnot. The kind of thing we take for granted in our youth. Because it all fades so fast. Somehow…it kind of just felt like I made them happy. Like maybe there was something about me. Oh, and I’ll never forget the flashy ways they helped dress me up. With such care. They made me shine so bright…it almost felt like I was glowing.

Or maybe this is all just my imagination…  

The thing is, it feels so real. Deep down, I know it was. Just gets camouflaged by the fogginess of doubt which comes with age. Our weird justifications. Because I’m torn and tattered now. Trying to convince myself that maybe life was always this hard. As if that will ease the sting of disappointment. Ease the longing.

But here’s reality…

It wasn’t just special. Those days kept getting better and better. So, do I wish that could’ve lasted? Oh yeah. Being adored. It almost started to feel like I was the star of the house. Possibly even the reason for their smiles. Come on…did I really think it would stay that way forever? Doesn’t matter now. Because time moves on. And I guess it was just a season. A glimpse that’s almost too good to be true.

Then it’s gone.

I was surrounded by so many gifts. Lit up so bright that you’d see me twinkling in the dark. Once upon a time.

And now?

Well, it’s colder out here. Feels a bit lonely. Almost starting to think I’ve been discarded. Look, I know all of us are decaying gradually. The thing is…

It doesn’t feel so gradual to me.

Been having a hard time recognizing myself these days.

But let’s not get all mushy here. Because there’s no way to possibly thank you enough for all those moments. I had it better than anyone. You brought me right into your home. Treated me like your most special guest. And it truly was the highlight of my life.

Maybe we can do it again one day?

Love Always,

Your Christmas Tree On The Curb

Thanks to big leaps in technology, I’ve been granted a gift. Frankly, it feels like a real-life miracle.

Without further ado…

I shall now begin a text conversation with my future self. Yes, you heard that correctly. I’m meeting me – exactly one year from now. How exciting is this moment? Very. But nerves are also a factor. Mostly, though, I’m just curious. What will the 2027 version of me be like? Having made my New Year’s resolutions today…how much will I have grown? What new wisdom will be shared? Well, no need to guess. Let’s find out from the source. Here we go…

——-

Hi there. This is so incredible. Is it really you?

Wassup dog.

There’s really no way to properly express myself right now. I mean, wow. Can you believe this is happening? How do we comprehend the gravity of all this? What a truly special experience.

I know, right…

Where do we even start? Tell me EVERYTHING. I still can’t believe I’m talking to the 2027 me. So, did we accomplish our goals? How did we do with the resolutions?

Hmm. Remind me of one…

Well…I mean…did we lose the 20 pounds?

LOL. Oh yeah! Twenty is a big ass number, dude.

Of course. Understandable. But did we at least cut down on our screen time? And all the social media?

Hold up, bro. Just seeing a funny post about this bear in some lady’s house.

Sure, but I really wanted to see if we cut down on the—

Gonna send you this clip. Bro, bears are crazy!

Yes, I imagine that’s quite a clip. Maybe let’s just move on to the next resolution. Have we deepened our relationships? Did I become a better listener?

Oh man, this bear is in the fridge right now WTF

Uh…hello? Can you at least tell me we’ve cut down on the politics. I hope we’re not still wasting our energy on all that dra—

–Yo. Are you trying to spar with me?

Wait, what? No, I am you. Why would I want to—

–Cuz I can spar all day long. You want me to burn this down? Oh, I’ll burn this fucker to the ground! These people are crazy, bro. CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL C. So don’t press my buttons!

Ok…um…did we actually make any progress? With any of our resolutions? I’m almost afraid to ask. But are we eating more vegetables?

No doubt. Got at least 3 or 4 mushrooms on this slice right now, baby.

So, we haven’t cut down on the pizza? Is that right?

Dude. You ever wonder if bears like pepperoni?

Indeed. Good point. So, out of curiosity, how many pounds did we end up losing?

NITUYTNKSNjnsa8

Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

My bad. Got a few suds on the phone, homeboy.  

Wait, we’re drinking beer? Please tell me we’re not back to eating ice cream?

Cool, I won’t tell you. But the answer rhymes with FO SHIZZLE.

I guess it’s safe to say we didn’t get into therapy…

Bro. Reddit says mint chocolate chip is hella therapeutic.

I was really hoping we’d be on a keto diet by now.

Oh yeah, I tried keto. But then I found out the KEY to my happiness is pepperoni. And as far as the TOE part…just fyi…even our toes are a little chubby now.

This is unbelievable. You’ve accomplished none of our goals! Nothing. Zero percent of our resolutions have been achieved!

I mean, did you have a resolution about staying off the crack pipe?

WHAT??? NO!!! WE DON’T DO DRUGS!!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???

Exactly. See, things could be worse. You’ve got fat feet, not a crack habit.

Hmm…wait a minute. One of my resolutions is to look at the brighter side of life.

Boom. Mission accomplished.

Hey, by any chance, did we sign up for that great art class? Or the yoga one?

Gotta run, amigo. This bear is sitting in the chick’s hot tub!

Hold on a second. Just one final question. No offense, but…um…what happened to us?

Look, compadre. If you thought 2025 was a doozy? Better bring your best for ’26. Unless, of course, you want to end up like—

Noted. Thanks for the tip.

kjasldkjfaj9unb

‘Tis the season once again. Some say there’s magic in the air.
Well, our voyage is departing soon
Far from a day-to-day affair.

Close your eyes, now take a breath. As I grant you this one chance
Our waltz back through the hands of time
Will be a special sort of dance.

Short count to 3, then we’ll arrive. It might catch you by surprise.
Oh, for what you’ll find before you
Must be seen with softer eyes.

We’ve landed now. Your childhood home. It’s many years ago.
In these walls, the ones that shaped you
With all of life ahead to grow.

It’s Christmas Eve. The tree is up. And so is one young pair.
Both of your parents look so vibrant
Dad sports his thicker head of hair.

Mom scoots around with fervor. So much lighter on her feet
Years haven’t slowed her down just yet
As she bakes another treat.

You gasp and try to catch your breath. To see them look this way…
Have long forgotten them as youthful
Before all of life’s decay.

You rub your eyes. Compose yourself. Now moving down the hall
In the bedroom, you lie sleeping
Under posters on the wall.

Just so tiny in that blanket. Didn’t know it way back then
With a yawn, the child arises
And then grabs a favorite pen. 

Your younger self begins to write. A list of gifts and toys?
But then you get a closer look
At your mind before the noise.

“I just want us to be happy.” Is all you see upon the pad.
These words, part of a long-lost blur
Before your armor had been clad.

Back down the hall, one final glimpse. Both parents in their room. 
Must remember dad’s unwrinkled eyes
Breathe in mom’s go-to perfume.

They’ll never hear the words you shout: “Guys, these times will move so fast!
We all need to do it better,
None of this will ever last”

Clock ticking on our trip now, as you race back down the hall
To the child you were, so long ago
That’s when tears begin to fall.

After decades of the fight inside. New sensation in your heart.
There wasn’t something wrong with you
Not a single missing part.

Then, boom, your trip is over. Landing back in current life.
All the aches and pains returning too
Fifteen different types of strife.

You pass by a reflection. Sure, that face now has some flaws
The toll it costs to grow this age
Can’t get back time from Mr. Claus.

Still, something big has shifted. A child reignites inside.
Says, “Drink in more love.
And share your glass.”

This old dog’s spirit hasn’t died.

It was a perfect Las Vegas weekend.

She hit every one of her football bets. Literal perfection.

As for me? I scarfed down a month’s worth of red meat, lost my voice, and almost came close to breaking even.

Good times were had. The memories shall live on. But all reminiscing is now officially paused. Because it’s time to put the ol’ game face on. Gotta check in with myself. Yup, both palms are sweaty. Breathing is elevated. That’s right…

It’s time for the trip home.

This demanding trek is not for the faint of heart. Look, if you haven’t driven from Vegas back to the west coast…

You’ve never met pure terror.

Ok, here’s the situation…

California drivers only know traffic. They have zero clue what to do with themselves when unleashed. Like, imagine if you were starving to death. And then, out of nowhere, hamburgers started raining from the sky. How would you feel? How does a human even react? That…my friends…is what it’s like when Californians see 300 miles of open desert highway.

So, how do they react?

I’ll tell you how. By driving absolutely batshit crazy. Visualize the energy of a crackhead sprinting to a pot of crack at the end of a rainbow. That’s exactly what Interstate 15 back to Los Angeles is like.

This desert drive might as well be a Formula 1 race. With no need for Ferraris or Lamborghinis. On this journey, a Honda Civic can move at the same speed. Over here, every awkward Californian becomes Vin Diesel from the Fast And Furious movies. This trip should take 5 hours. Everyone around me is trying to do it in 90 minutes.

So, I remain focused.

Eye of the tiger activated.

Game face on.

Fords and Toyotas whip past me like Usain Bolt by a turtle. I can’t even look down for a sip of water. This herculean task requires all my focus. Now an hour into the madness, I’m deep in the belly of the beast. No food or gas exits to be found. No reprieve at all. Just a whole lot of endless desert. And a collection of maniacs trying to break the speed of sound.

I haven’t spoken aloud for the past 45 minutes.  

She asks if I’m doing ok.

Apparently, I look stressed.

Like Samuel L Jackson from A Time To Kill, I yell out:
“Yes, I’m feeling stressed! And I hope they burn in hell!”

(Narrator: He was, in fact, not doing ok)

Then, suddenly, all the zooming cars come to a complete halt…

Nothing but brake lights. The entirety of Interstate 15 is now at a standstill. Our long line of lunatics in road rockets? All back to their natural habitat. Sitting in traffic. But what on earth is causing this? I mean, the I-15 is Nevada’s version of the Autobahn.

And then I realize how dark it is…

Nothing blue above me.

No clouds to be found.

Wait, this is early afternoon. What on earth is HAPPENING IN THE SKY?

I can’t describe it as anything but apocalyptic. Truly what this feels like. No other words in the dictionary for it. The entire sky is darkness and smoke. Impossible to see more than a few yards ahead.

Things stay like this for a few minutes. Until we gradually creep forward. Darkness now clearing up. And then she spots it. Points her finger at something ahead…

On the shoulder of Interstate 15 is an RV on fire. Everyone has safely escaped. But, visually, this is just incredible. Such an insane sight to behold. We’re deep in the middle of the desert looking at an RV engulfed in flames. Never seen anything like this in my life. Easily the most incredible photo opportunity of the year.

Traffic is moving a bit faster, so I quickly hand her my phone.

I ask, “Can you get this shot???”

She snaps the picture and says with more confidence than I’ve ever heard from another human:
“I got the shot.”

I start imagining all the photography competitions we’ll win. This visual is stunningly original. No way to properly describe it. But, then again, I guess a picture does speak a thousand words.  

Editor’s Note:
The following image is the picture that was taken in this moment.

I have a dream.

That little black boys and little black girls will sit at the same table with little white boys and little white girls…

While never once making eye contact.

Because no child will be able to look away from their phone.

Yes, I have a dream.

Of a world full of men and women embracing AI…

Mainly because of stock prices.

Rather than realizing it will one day cost them their jobs.

I have a dream, my brothers and sisters.

That we will ask each other how we lived without the great advances…

As we rely more and more on machines.

And eventually stop developing any skills of our own.

Oh, I have a dream today!

Of a land where all are so barraged by information…

That none of us will remember how to filter out noise.  

Losing our ability to focus for longer than a few seconds.

To be sure, I have a dream.

That we shall become a land of strange cults…

Worshiping a collection of autistic billionaires.

Trusting that, yes, these cartoonlike figures will look after our best interests.

By God, I have a dream today.

Of leaders becoming more divisive than ever…

As we say a final goodbye to adulthood.

And give ourselves fully to overgrown children on a makeshift playground.

Indeed, I have a dream.

That each of us will look with gusto at the other side…

Searching for the most shocking example we can find.

So we may define the opposition as that.

I have a vivid dream.

Of a world where we are connected to one another 24 hours per day…

While still losing our sense of connection.

And not understanding why.

I have a special dream.

That, in this land, an increase in violence will no longer surprise us…

Seeing it more as a chance to chastise our “rivals.”

Rather than feeling our own heartbreak and humanity.

Let me tell you about my dream.

Of a world in which our kids live longer…

Now with all of their diseases cured.

As they feel less and less alive.  

I have a dream…

Thank you so much for coming in. Your reputation precedes you. And, quite frankly, this resume was head and shoulders above anything we expected to receive.

I’m the goat.

Um, yes indeed. Well, as you know, we hope to gain some of your expertise when it comes to connecting with younger generations–

Lowkey thirsty.

Oops, sorry. Let me get you some water. I assume Evian is acceptable? On that note, I should mention that we have a number of international clients. A growing market. By chance, do you speak any other languages?

Si.

How wonderful. So, you speak fluent Spanish?

Nah, j/k.

Apologies. Sorry, I seem to be getting a bit confused here. When you said “si,” it sounded like–

You’re extra.

Oh…thank you so much. I certainly try. Now, we did hear back from each of your professional references. And I’m not quite sure how to put this. Your reputation is – well, rave reviews is an understatement. One client called you a “wizard with words.” Multiple people referred to you as a linguistic genius–

Fire.

Certainly. Sorry, not to pry, but do you always speak in…catchphrases?

That slaps.

Oh, no no. We oppose violence – whether physical or verbal. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just…well…let’s move on. So, that was a no to foreign languages, correct?

Salty.

Hmm, I didn’t quite catch that one. But we can just skip to the meat of the questions. Are you at all familiar with our business model?

Go woke, go broke.

Well, I’m not sure our organization is…woke. I mean, our revenue stream comes mostly from cigarette sales. And, as a tobacco company, there’s no big secret to why you’re here. We need a new head of marketing. Our reputation has, uh, taken a bit of a hit. We believe a fresh, new voice will connect with the youth. And you are second to none in that respect. So, here’s the bottom line. We need you. It will be VERY good for business if we can learn how to speak to younger generations. Because they pretty much hate us right now.

No cap.

I mean, I don’t know exactly what our valuation cap is. Not off the top of my head. But I can have that information to you by the end of the day. Is that acceptable?

Mid.

Yes, precisely. We did reach mid-cap status this year. Thank you so much for doing your homework on us. I speak for the entire organization when I say we are honored you’ve taken such an interest.

I stan.

Again, wow. Just so impressive. Yes, internally we do expect Stanley to be our next CFO. But that information hasn’t been released publicly yet. May I ask how you even know that? I hope you don’t mind. Did you see it in the news somewhere?

Ok, boomer.

Um, excuse me. I do understand that one. And I can’t say I appreciate the insult. Not in my own office.

Sus.

Now, wait just a minute. Sus? Sus?? I have two children at home. Not much older than you, by the way. And they both already call me th—

Let ‘em cook.

Ok young man, that’s enough. Time for you to go. You can walk those hip jeans and fancy sneakers right out the door. I said hit the road! Get your Gen Z, too-cool-for-school energy out of here!! Pretty sure I have neckties older than you!!!

Cringe.

Um, hold on a second. Ok? If you could just…maybe…not share this story with your followers. Please. It wouldn’t be good for the company. Or for me individually…

That tracks.

So…are we ok? Can we just put this aside? Honestly, I do respect what you’ve accomplished. Just kind of lost my head for a minute. Look, I know you’re the best of the best. As Time Magazine said, you are a master of modern communication. So, please don’t leave. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and name your terms? Write down a number. Because we’d love for you to be the voice of this company. What do you think? How does that sound?

Lit.

Confession time…

I occasionally get my eyebrows threaded.

Yup, that’s right. Deal with it, manly men. Congrats on your ability to chew glass and spit out nails. I realize that you can eat fire and fart out handcrafted wooden furniture. Look, I get that you shave with a machete. And do all of it while sipping from a can of beer…

But the face I look at in the mirror each day?  

It could easily grow a massive, thick unibrow.

So, yeah, I get this taken care of every couple months.

And allow me be even more honest. I actually like going to the eyebrow place. No, wait, let me correct that. I secretly love walking in there. Why? Because it feels damn good to take care of myself. Fine, sue me. Shouldn’t we take pride in respecting oursel—

—ok, sorry, that’s actually not the reason I love walking in there.

Here’s the real truth…

The old lady who runs the place apparently thinks I’m the studliest guy around. Quite literally. I mean, she doesn’t even call me by name. Not even sure she remembers my name at this point. She just refers to me as, “Handsome.”

“Hello handsome!”

“Good to see you, handsome!”

“How are you, handsome?!”

And so on.

Not gonna lie. It feels pretty great to hear. Especially as an aging nerd with sore hamstrings and a bunch of gray in my beard. But, man, when I walk in there? It’s like Handsomefest ’97.

Cut to last week:

I take a look down at the ol’ calendar.

Boom, it’s eyebrow time.

I walk through those doors. Strutting in there as usual. Almost gliding. Even the hamstring feels great on eyebrow day. I look around at all the old ladies in their chairs. Wait, are they checking me out too? Sure seems that way. Does everyone in here think I’m a stud?

Hey, maybe that’s just called good taste.   

I grab a seat and wait my turn. Flashing my megawatt smile at all the friendly faces. Is this what it feels like to be a movie star? Nothing but adoration. Fans all around.

Welcome to Stud City.
Population: me.

I pick up a magazine as another guy walks in. Please note that I would never make fun of his appearance. That’s not who I am. But let’s just say he looks like a total mess. People would probably describe him as, “unfortunate looking.”

Sorry, bro.

You can’t all be movie stars.

The eyebrow lady takes notice of his entrance. Poor guy. But then she turns excitedly to him and says:

“Hello handsome!”

Wait, what?

Hold on a minute.

And then it dawns on me…

As my cockiness melts into panic.

While my hamstring tightens up like a rock…

Apparently, this is just the word she uses for EVERY GUY WHO WALKS IN THE DOOR. To her, all of us are “handsome.”

I sure wish I could tell you what happened next.

But I blacked out for the next 3 days.

So, to summarize, I no longer take part in the act of grooming.

I now chew glass and fart out handcrafted coffee tables.

Oh, and if you ever run into me anywhere?

Please ignore my eyebrows.

If I had a son, maybe I’d write him a letter. Might even use an “A through Z” type of format…

Allow things to affect you.
Why? Because it’ll happen regardless. So you can put up a big, exhausting fight to bury your feelings. Or not. The world around is getting more robotic. Give yourself permission to stay human.

Be an original.
Your unique “weirdness” is a superpower, as the kids say. Really take a good look around. People who are comfortable in their own skin can make some very big impacts. Don’t hide who you are. Be memorable.

Cologne – just say no.
Oh, and while you’re at it, stay away from the hard drugs. Floss your teeth. Use sunscreen. Let’s click the fast-forward button to the end of your life for a second. Wouldn’t it be nice to look back at some good choices?

Don’t be a dick.
You will make some incorrect assumptions about people. It happens. Because you’ll never really know anyone’s story. Not fully. It isn’t a journey you lived through. So, try to remember that none of us are a finished product. And give yourself that same courtesy.

Everything can change in an instant.
Your intuition is often much smarter than your brain. Really listen to your gut when it’s trying to sound the alarm.

Find more humor in your day.
Things will get heavy enough. Keep it light when you have that luxury. Hold on to the silly. Remember to have fun. And awaken your playful spirit as necessary.

Good guy vs bad guy is a story for children.  
In reality, the “good people” sometimes hurt each other. The “bad ones” can have moments of kindness. So, how do we handle that? By growing up. And realizing that human beings are more than just an adjective. You’ll never have the power to define a person. And nobody will ever own that power over you.

Have love in your life.
It doesn’t need to be a person. Just love something. Anything. You can love a dog, the beach, playing tennis, a fun book, a sad song, or whatever else. Just keep love in your life. Otherwise, what’s the point?

It’s astounding how much you’ll never know.
That goes for all of us. So, avoid ego traps about knowledge. You should never feel bad for saying, “I don’t know.” Really embrace those words. They’ll be the foundation of your lifetime hunger for learning.

Just breathe.
Learn to do this in overwhelming moments. As simple as it sounds. Even if it appears to be the most basic of basics. Life will get loud. You’ll need to know how to quiet the noise and just focus on your breath for a moment.

Kiss more.
While you’re at it, laugh more. Listen more. Move more. And say “yes” to more.  

Look out for the future you.
“What do I want– that piece of cake or a healthier body?”
Each day is packed with those kinds of questions. And not about food. Daily choices between immediate gratification and investing in the future you. Give some consideration to the old guy yet to come.

Money isn’t the root of all evil.
But unhealthy self-esteem is. Sure, you can make an enemy of some green pieces of paper. But why? Get to the root of it.

No such thing as a hot 90-year-old.
Don’t make this aging outer shell more important than it is. Focus on a person’s heart, spirit, and actions. That’s a much deeper type of beauty.

Only apologize if you mean it.
Otherwise, stop wasting their time. Every street in your town is overflowing with people whose words lack meaning. That club doesn’t need another member. Be a man who says what he means.

Play the martyr card and win sad prizes.
It’s a simple math equation. Lack of gratitude equals a surplus of unhappiness. Avoid engaging in the “Who has it harder” game. If others want to play it, make sure to lose badly.

Quit playing it so safe.
Does that mean being reckless? Of course not. But look out for your pitch. Be willing to take a big swing. To make a leap of faith when the moment is right. At some point, you have to take a chance. Or things will never change.

Remember to check in on people.
It’s such a gift to have someone to care about. So, reach out. Keep all the important birthdays in your calendar. Send sweet or funny messages. Allow your people to feel cared about. Everyone in your life will have a last day with you. And you have no idea when that’ll be.

Say thanks.
Even just to the waiter who brings you a glass of water. Or a stranger who holds the door. Express it out loud. This is a verbal reminder that nobody has to do anything for you. People have a choice. And none of the gifts you receive are promised.

Take punches head-on.
It’s unavoidable. And I wish I could spare you all of that pain. But really look around. At how some people build an identity around disguising their hurt. At the way others self-medicate because of it. All of that will only deepen a wound. Such courage is required here. Because fear wants to dominate your life. You will either look this right in the eyes or be slowly suffocated by it.

Understand that you will never be perfect.
You’ll screw things up in a big way sometimes. There will be amends to make. Forgiving yourself will often be the hardest part. You are allowed to be imperfect. Winners tend to lose more than anyone else. They just don’t give up along the way.

Value your well-being.
Can you share what you don’t have? Of course not. Think of it like hosting Thanksgiving dinner. An empty table means you can’t share a plate with your guests. But the more you have, the more you can give. So, in life, your primary job is to fill your cup. With health, happiness, and fulfillment. To pursue what makes you come alive. Now, with your cup overflowing, there’s so much that can spill over to others. That fact will never change. You cannot give what you don’t possess. Isn’t there a reason we don’t walk straight into traffic when crossing the street? What is that reason? You care about yourself. Be proud of it. Because the alternative is brutal.

When someone hurts you, be specific.
Ask yourself if it might be communication-related. An attempt to say something that just isn’t landing. So many relationships are thrown away for the wrong reasons. It’s a concept too difficult for the masses. The pattern is to get upset and react. Over and over indefinitely. Try to look closer than most. Talk things out with the people worth talking to. But, of course, if someone is trying to hurt you…that isn’t someone you need in your life.

X-rays, blood tests, and whatever is needed.
Keep all of it handled. Take care of your body. Only then will you have the good fortune of focusing on day-to-day matters. As the saying goes, “A healthy person wants a thousand things. A sick man only wants one.”

You have so much to offer.
Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Ever. Not for a single second.
Playing small will never help anyone. So, shine your light as bright as you can.

Zero percent of this planet will make it out alive.
That includes you. So, keep coming back to the most basic question of all. What do you want?