Milk and Lingonberries

Sugar

2012-02-01T07:54:00.003-07:00

The past weekend was productive, relaxing, creative and just downright enjoyable. I finished work decorating my guest room. I chose papers for my latest storybook and completed four illustrations from simple to complicated. I had far too much coffee and indulged in donuts and candy and even put sugar in my coffee. What has this to do with my mother? Sugar. I found myself falling asleep on the sofa at 7:00PM. I slept in well past the 6:30 alarm. It wasn't because of the activities of the weekend. It was because of the sugar level drop in the evening. I must say that it's an interesting way to get some much needed rest but the three and a half pounds I gained in two days was not a fair exchange.

Again. What does this have to do with my tiny, 113 pound mother? Mom loved sweets. We all do but, except for Rose Marie, we all pay the price of exhaustion and weight gain.  She must have metabolized it differently. Oh sure, at some point in her life she gained a little weight and tipped the scales at maybe 140 pounds, but sugar was never an issue.

In the beginning of my stay with mom she would wake up when she smelled the coffee, come and and sit down at her bistro table, examine the selection of cookies I had placed on her Rosewood china plate and point to her coffee cup. Mom wasn't a morning person. I always waited for her to come to the table before I poured her coffee so it would be warm. The table was set with the half and half and sugar bowl, a Christian Dior china cup filled with magnesium dissolved in apple sauce, a juice glass filled with Strawberry Sunny Delight into which a large potassium pill had been dissolved and a two inch ramikin with six pills. After she had her first sip of coffee and a bit of a meringue or butter cookie she would speak. Daddy was a morning person. I am a morning person. Mom just got up early out of habit and to take her pills but her head was still reclined on the soft warm pillow of her bed.

When her pills were taken and the last of the sauce concoction swallowed she had another cup of coffee and a cookie or three. Then she went back to bed until breakfast was served at 9:30. Over time and especially the last year of her life, I would go into her room, hug her gently and whisper into her ear that coffee was ready. Sometimes she would want coffee and pills in bed but most mornings she put on her slippers and come out to join me in the kitchen. I had coffee. Without sugar. And two butter cookies.

Mom's doctor had said time and again "Whatever you're doing, just keep doing it. She's doing fine. If she wants chocolate and cookies there's not reason she shouldn't have them." So I kept on doing what I was doing.

Breakfast was always healthy. The only sugar was in the form of berries unless I made my version of Swedish pancakes. But even the pancakes were mostly eggs with a dash of flour and sugar. After breakfast she would do whatever pleased her. Sometimes after breakfast mom would have a little milk in a juice glass with a spoon of lingonberry preserves. I wouldn't.

Lunch too just simple.  Rye crisp with butter and cold cuts or boiled eggs followed by coffee and two cookies or a little mik in a juice glass with a spoon of lingonberry preserves. I wouldn't have dessert.
After dinner we had coffee and dessert. Dessert could be pound cake with whipped cream and berries or a warm apple turnover or cookies but usually it was a little milk in a juice glass with a spoon of lingonberry preserves. That was mom's favorite after dinner dessert. If we had a special dessert I would have some as well but I always made sure I left room. Otherwise I would have a butter cookie.

In between the meals, mom would have a bite of chocolate. Or some chips. So would I.   Did I mention that she weighed 113 pounds and had normal sugar levels? My sugar levels were normal as well but I always weighed 165 pounds.

Oh and bedtime. When mom was ready to go to bed, not to sleep, but to bed, I would bring her a half a juice glass of Strawberry Sunny Delight or milk with her ramikan of pills and a white Christian D'or china saucer with three or four cookies. If possible there was a meringue or two, butter cookies and sugar cookies. Mom would teasingly examine the cookies to make sure there were enough and kiss me goodnight. I didn't have bedtime cookies or chips or chocolate.

On grocery shopping days we would bring home a pastry or a donut for each of us. Later, when mom stopped coming along, I would bring home a sweet treat for us to have with coffee.

Before I went to take care of my mother, to be her body servant and cook, mom become ill. Her magnesium and potassium levels had dropped and it was decided that she could no longer live alone.  The cause was a combination of one of the pills she had long taken for high blood pressure and her diet. Mom was eating far too much starch and too little protein. She ate alone in her apartment while every one was at work. Cookies and fruit and buttered bread. Mom would make a porkchop and not finish it but would have no trouble have the potatoes and gravy. All that sugar does a have downside, even for mom.

I have always envied her sugar metabolism and I am happy that she was able to eat as she wished. Her last meal was a soft butter cookie and milk.

A New Year

2012-01-10T06:27:00.002-07:00

Even though I've not been posting to my blog regularly, I have been thinking about my mom and the tiny march of years we spent in close quarters at the end of her life. Not long ago I lost a dear friend. Axle. A two year old bundle of lab, pitbull and who knows what else. In just a couple of months he had become a buddy. We played and walked and sometimes, though not often, sat and took in the smells, smoke in the distance; dust rising from the road; pine trees. The Monday after this past Thanksgiving, just before dawn, he ran under a passing car and died.

When my mom was a little girl she a had dog named Don. He was big she said. He looked like a Saint Bernard and she used lay on him, almost ride on him. He was gentle with her. One day Don ran into the street and was run over by the wheels of a horse drawn wagon.

But I remember other stories she told me about her childhood. She grew up in a town called Kavlinge in Southern Sweden. She was a city girl but it was the early 20th century so there was a lot of the country life still going on in town. Her mom used to milk a cow that belonged to a man in town. I guess the arrangement was like picking fruit is nowadays except that maybe she would pay a small fee or do some extra milking so she could take home her share of the milk. Mom was the youngest so she would go along, but she didn't milk the cow. She played and watched and then they would walk home.

Mom was smart and athletic. "I always got Big As in gym." In Sweden there are little as and big As in the grading system. Big As of course are the best.
"I could walk on the beams and jump and run better than anyone. I was good at reading too. My sister Carla wasn't so good at reading even though she was two years older than me. I helped her and she learned."

When mom and I shared coffee and cookies in the afternoon, she would often share stories about her early life. Some were new and some I had heard before and some of those not quite as I had remembered. So it goes with retelling tales, true or not. Mom described herself as being spoiled. "I was so bad," she began. "Once my daddy spanked me and I wouldn't speak to him for a week. It was just one spank on my bottom for not listening to my mommy and he didn't want to do it but he had to. It didn't even really hurt but I was so mad. At night I used to sleep with daddy and Carla used to sleep with mommy but I went to bed with mommy instead and Carla had to sleep with daddy."

Mommy grinned. "Joanie, I was so mean. I wouldn't forgive him until he said he was sorry for spanking me. I was so bad but he was happy it was over and it was like nothing."

Even in childhood my mother was the center of her universe. A tiny sun around whom all others revolved. I don't she ever saw it like that or even thought about it for that matter. Mom just knew she was special.

Lilies

2011-11-10T06:40:00.005-07:00

There's an orange flower growing at the base of a tall pine tree on the property where the house I rent is located. It's not wild. It didn't just spring forth. Someone planted it. A lily I think. Lilies make me think of mom. She carried calla lilies on her wedding day. Long stems. She wore a tiara and a long blue dress with mutton chop sleeves and a matching shawl. Daddy wore a tuxedo. They looked like movie stars.

Her sister Carla and her husband Per stood as their witnesses. It was March 2, 1940. The wedding was at her parents house and the minister came to perform the ceremony. Although my grandmother was a cook, my father hired someone so prepare the food so that she would be free to enjoy the celebration. In Sweden, the groom carries the financial responsibility of the wedding.

Of course, I wasn't there but I can see it and hear it as I write these words. Parents, sibblings, cousins crowded into the sitting room to bare witness to the joining of these two young people. He was 24 and she was 23. The cheers and toasts and the smorgasbord. The smells of pork and herring and cardamon and freshly baked cakes; the scent of brandy and whisky; people moving from kitchen to dining room to living room catching up, making jokes, eating and drinking and celebrating the day.

Mom said they went to the photographer's studio after the ceremony to sit for formal portraits. There was so much drinking going on that daddy had to run out for more. It was a great wedding, a good party, a beginning.

Saturday, August 02, 2008 8:53 AM

Rose Marie sent lilies to mom. Real pretty. Just because. Mom now has flowers everywhere. Rose knows I bring home fresh cut flowers for mom every week because she enjoys them. The white lillies are sitting in the middle of the dining room table now.

Saturday, August 30, 2008
It was a great wedding. Bride and groom were perfection. They looked so elegant, so polished, he in his tux and she in her white satin strapless gown. Dave died his hair blonde and Maraka has pink streaks added to her coif. Mom managed well, moving from one event to the next to make it all the way through her special dessert. Maraka had a special strawberry short cake made for mom since she knew she wouldn't enjoy the wedding cake's flavors. I believe now that mom is glad she went.

Pre-wedding was hectic but fun as I bonded with the bridesmaids who could be my daughters in a chronological sort of way. The wedding was late by about 20 minutes because guests were still coming in. Mom and Rose were in the front row on the right and I don't think she knew it was me up there standing in attendance to the bride. Jean and Bob presented the bride and sat on the left. Maraka and Dave read their own vows and did what's called a rose ceremony.

Photos taken. Back to the bridal suite. Drinks (water for me) and lots and lots of h'ordeuves. Too many. On to the reception for dinner and dancing. I danced, group dancing. It was a party and the dj went for 5 hours straight which is why he is the top dj in Hudson Valley. He and his partner go on all night.

Maraka presents the special dessert to her grandmother.

Videographers and photographers moving in surrounding the couple and getting the guests. The kids and the grownups dancing to the oldies side by side.

I have a hang over from too much food and the wild partying. It was 11:30 when I took Mom up to our room. She was good. "Maraka is so beautiful," she said."It was a nice wedding. So many people came."
We talked about the other guests, cousins of Bobby who she knew and old friends of Jean's who has moved away. "The cake was good. It was nice for Maraka to think of me. I liked that."

I told mom how proud I was of her, staying as long as she did, and that I was glad she did.

I slept with her allowing Rose a reward of a good bed to herself. Mom liked that. "If I wake up I won't feel like I'm in a strange place." she said. The older she gets the more like a child she becomes.

Otherworldly Job Assistance

2011-07-19T05:46:00.002-06:00

Most of July is come and gone. Settling in to my new home; finding out what I need as I go. No TV yet. Well I have a television but no connection. I just don't feel up to the decision. Movies and the Internet are fine. No news. No politics. I don't miss all that political chatter - all talk and no substance. It's like I live in another dimension of time and space. Sometimes.

I like my job. I like the people. I like the place. I'm getting into more regular sleep patterns which is good. I was afraid I'd be too tired to do anything after work but working on my books is easy. It's the best of both worlds. A career and an avocation. Of course not taking care of any one after work makes a difference. I was glad to help my folks and my friends-in-need but I'm grateful for this blessing of extra time. Sometimes I look around and wonder what I'm forgetting to do.

Mom and I talked about what I would do when she passed away. She knew I had to get a job. I'm just glad it wasn't at one of the *marts. It took some time but the universe had a lot of work to do to create my new position. She must have started working on it right away. Setting things in motion to create a job opening in a place where I would have a friend and feel comfortable. There was a lot to set in motion- like a Rube Goldberg puzzle-to make the marbles roll and clink and bounce in just the right way, to land in just the right places. Never underestimate the power of connections on the "other side".

Monday, July 07, 2008 10:59 AM
It's so easy for my mother to screw up my mood. Here I am working on a book, feeling good about all the positive possibilities and she says "You can get a job like Jean has."
"No.I can't. I have to stay home with you."
"No but when I die."
"When you die I'll be too old to get a job because I won't be working for so long." I stopped to think about it. "In 8 years I'll be 66. I won't make enough in Social Security so I'll have to work until I die."
"But Jean got a job.”
"Jean is 55. I'll be 66."
"Well I could live another 7 years."
“Yes or more.” I reached around her and gave mom a hug. “I don't want to talk about this or when you're going to die. I don't know how old I'll be when I can work again."
"You should do something so you can make money at home."
"That's what I'm trying to do. It just doesn't happen over night."

Saturday, July 12, 2008
We went to Bonton to return some items and mom was moaning all the way in. Poor darling is just too tired. I sat her in a chair while I did the return. Then she wanted me to show her clothes while she sat and of course they were no good because she wants velvet pants (for the wedding) and it's July. So we left and went to Target to get my pills. I couldn't leave her in the car because she wouldn't leave the door closed with the a/c running so she had to come in with me. I got my pills while she waited with the wagons and then we had coffee and lemon pound cake at Starbucks. We enjoyed that and chatted about nothing in particular. It was a good day.

Monday, July 28, 2008
How pretty my mom is looking before she goes to bed. She even looks a little younger. She has a lovely glow about her. Even though she won't go out and about unless it's to the doctor once every three months she has decided she can live to be 100. That pleases me.

Celebrations all around!

2011-06-05T10:51:00.000-06:00

As my friend and new boss, Dusty reminded, my birthday is coming up next week. I got caught up in what I hope is the beginning of my last relocation for a few years and a new job and had forgotten. Three years ago, June was a month of celebrations both great and small. We held a bridal shower for my niece, Maraka, celebrated my birthday and Father's day, the birth of our non-paying tenant groundhog's twin pups, removal of some pills from mom's daily regimen and her pronouncement of my improved cooking skills.
I guess, looking back over any period of time, even in the midst of sadness or stress you can find moments like this. Moments for celebration or even a smile. I've tried to do that. To look back and see the beauty in the moment. The tiny and great joys. Sometimes I'm even able to do it when I'm in the middle of a maelstrom. Sometimes, of course, I can't. Sometimes I just want to wallow in a few moments of "poor me". But sometimes I am fortunate enough to recognize the moments as they happen. Like the groundhog pups and mom's compliments on my cooking.

June 01, 2008
I got mom all excited about going to the shower next Sunday. She doesn't like to go out but I gave her one of my sexy blouses to go with new blue skirt and we talked about the jewelry she would wear and that Jean was bringing over a special chair for her to sit in so she wouldn't get so tired and she had to show everyone how good she looks. I'll have to repeat this conversation on Sunday morning as well but I told her if she gets tired, I’d take her home. Now she's trying on other outfits. Vanity works.

June 04, 2008
Mom commended me on the clean sink. What she was really talking about, since we both clean the sink several times a day is that the drain board was empty of dishes. It’s the little things that catch the eye when you least expect it.

June 06, 2008
Great excitement here. Yesterday mom's slippers arrived. The only kind she can wear can only be gotten via mail order and they were out of stock so it was very exciting to receive them.

June 07, 2008
Bob found an ac unit for our kitchen window so now the space is comfortable in spite of just having cooked dinner. I even turned off the fans. My wicker chair has been decorated for tomorrow’s bridal shower and mom is in bathing for the event so that she wont' be rushed tomorrow.

Then a miracle happened. My mother searched through her closet and found long-black-lined chiffon and beaded dress that she never wore and bought for sale for $5.00 several years ago. It will be perfect for the wedding and I’ll look for a jacket to go with it.

June 09, 2008
It's my birthday.

The Bridal Shower was lovely. Good food, no silly games, surprise gifts every 5 minutes to whoever's gift was opened. Mom stayed all of 45 minutes. The room was warm and loud so she didn't want to be there. It all buzzed in her ears so she couldn’t hear. I took her home and Calvin was so happy. After all, he'd been alone almost an hour. Since it was so close to the restaurant, I went back and I left just before four to give mom her pills and, of course, Calvin was there to greet me.

June 11, 2008
I’m so proud. The eye of round was delicious and will be tomorrow as well. Mom is very proud that she has taught me so well.
“You are,” she said “the only one who can make a roast as good as me.”
“I know to buy the best cut of eye of round.” I said. “You taught me that too.”
“Just a little piece of onion and one carrot,” mom said. “So the gravy’s not so sweet. Mor (her mother) used to make her food too sweet. I liked it better the way Gunnar’s mor made it.”

Mormor used to cater on a limited basis and everyone raved about her cooking. Mom, like her cooking teacher and farmor (dad’s mom), didn’t like to cook with a lot of onion and only a little sugar unless of course it was pancakes or cake.

June 16, 2008
Yesterday we grilled for Father's Day.

Our fat groundhog was actually pregnant. She lives behind Bob's shed and yesterday we saw her and two babies so now we have a family living behind the shed. Fawns have been in the backyard as well. I even managed a photo.

June 25, 2008
Mom did well at the doctor’s office. They flirted of course. Dr. Jacob and my mom. They’re shameless. It’s nice that her doctor delights in her visits. We go back in three months and in the meantime he said to keep up what we’re doing and she can have all her pills in the morning now. No more afternoon pills to make her sleepy. That made her happy. We stopped at the College Diner in New Paltz for dinner. I had shrimp and she had the stuffed flounder with a backed potato. We brought home the leftovers for tomorrows supper.

Memorial Day Weekend

2011-06-01T05:25:00.000-06:00

Mom at Maraka's Wedding Shower

Sometimes, when someone is ill over a long course of time, we know that the process of death is begun. Sometimes not. I didn't see my dad's passing coming just two days after my parents wedding anniversary. We'd had a wonderful family celebration 56 years of marriage. In spite of Daddy's age, 80, we didn't see it coming. At least I didn't. He stood up to go to the kitchen and died.

When my mom suffered a stroke on Memorial Day Saturday two years ago, I didn't see it coming. Even then, in spite of her age, I expected her to recover. It was only a few days later at the hospital that I knew the process of my mother's passing had begun that Saturday morning. Within just a few days of her, return home with hospice assistance Mommy died. This Memorial Day like last years, I thought of her. I don't know if it will always be so but right now this reverent holiday is for me the anniversary of my mother's death even though her life force didn't leave until nearly three weeks later.

Reading over the emails from the year before I realized that our everyday life was filled with the simple acts of life, sharing meals, walking the dog, laundry and snippets of conversations of nothing in particular and family milestones. I don't know if these acts are the mortar or the bricks of life and I don't suppose it matters. Except for special occasions like weddings and graduations, it is only in retrospect that any day takes on a special meaning.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Memorial Day weekend is here already although a bit early. So goes it with the Monday holidays. NYC is opening the public pools and folks are stocking up on barbecue supplies.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Rose got off to the airport at 6:00AM with Jean and I walked Calvin. He went back upstairs when Jean got back. I made coffee for mom and we both went back to sleep. We slept until almost 11:00. Felt good. I made us a brunch of pancakes and coffee and now we're resting again.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

While the rest of the family had burgers and wings for Bob’s birthday dinner last night, Maraka had steak. There was ice cream cake for dessert. Mom came up for a visit and then went down. She just wasn’t up to a late supper. I brought a burger downstairs for her and then the ice cream cake. Then we all sat out on the deck. Calvin went nuts over the neighbor's cat hanging in front of Bob's motorcycle shed so Bob threw a rock to scare it and he went back home. Then the other neighbor's beagle pup got out up to the deck and he and Calvin sniffed noses.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

It's a rainy Saturday. I'm going to shop for a couple of shower gifts for Maraka from mom and me. Mom needs a new night light for the hall. The wedding shower is next week. I like to shop from registries for young couples. It's like making dreams come true.

Mom isn't feeling well today. Same thing as usual-upset tummy. Nothing wrong but I think she used the Lidoderm patch during the night and that always makes her tummy loose. She went back to bed; didn't even want a second cup of coffee. I'll bring her home a present and an ice cream sundae from DQ. That always makes her feel good. Calvin came for an early visit. His tummy is upset as well.

Dairy Queen

2011-05-14T17:33:00.001-06:00

I saw a commercial for Dairy Queen a little while ago. It reminded me of Summer. Up north DK is only open from May to October. In Santa Fe and Florida it's a year round thing. I remember stopping by DK in Newburg on the way home from Saturday shopping to pick up a sundae for mom. It just seems that everything reminds me of someone or something these days. Getting old. Lots of memories. Mostly forgotten. And forgetting. That's part of getting old to.

05/07/2008
Rose is coming to visit on the 16th. Mom’s worried because I have to have a CTscan. My lymph nodes are swollen. I wouldn’t have told her about it if the test hadn't been rescheduled. Now she’s afraid and worried about me and about who will take care of her if I’m sick.
I told her "I will take care of you mommy. You and Jean will take care of me."
"No.." she almost laughed.
"Yes. And Calvin will take care of all of us." I hugged her and she laughed.
The reason she agreed to move to NY in the first place was because I was stricken with Crohn's disease and couldn't take care of her the way she needed me to.

She's starting to forget that she took her pills pretty much as soon as she takes them. Jean is going to check her sugar today. There is a possibility that her Seroquel can cause diabetes and that could be causing accelerated memory loss and increased exhaustion. It's like a clinic around here.

May 14, 2008
Bunny rabbit on our patio. A young rabbit was on the patio this morning, sitting in the shade of the house licking his paws like a puppy I know.

The CTscan showed nothing, including swollen lymph nodes. The doctor said it's possible that it was strained muscles. Yes. Trying to communicate with my mom strained my throat muscles. Mom's relieved now. She can go back to treating me like a servant and blaming her pills and me for everything.

I typed up the menu for the wedding. Jean bought silver paper and pink paper.

May 16, 2008
It's raining and Jean took the kids to the hospital for Dave's surgery. His hernia is going to be put up for adoption.

After our respective showers, mom and I will clean up the abode in preparation for Rose's arrival. Of course, that’s silly since she will cover all the spare space with her suitcase and clothes so you can't see any floor anyway. An extra shoebox in this apartment makes the space look cramped.

May 17, 2008
It turned into a beautiful morning. Not at all what they predicted so I'm taking Rose to New Paltz. She's getting dressed and it’s nearly 11:00AM. Actually I'm getting hungry. Mom had coffee and pills at 7:30 and made her bed and watched some TV, came out at 9:00 when Rose came down asking me frantically “Where is the coffee? Why didn’t you make coffee, Joan?” she asked. “It's 9.”
“You had the coffee at 7:30.”
“No” mom complained. “Where are my pills?”
“You took your pills at 7:30.” I said. “You can't have pills twice Poopy.”
“Oh.” Mom stopped. “That's right. I made my bed. Okay.”
“I'll make you more coffee now.”
“Okay.”
"And give you some meringue cookies."

Tulips

2011-04-30T06:38:00.002-06:00

We went to an Easter brunch, Rose Marie and I, with the family Rose Marie's son's fiance. In the end, we had an intimate table for 23 in a private room. It was nice to visit, the Shingle Creek hotel in Orlando is beautiful and the brunch was delicious and never ending. Most people, not me were having mimosas or straight champagne so I drove us home around 3:00. Cammie gave Rose Marie an Easter lily and I a chocolate bunny, Rose and I each brought home a live tulip centerpiece. I had mentioned to one of Cammie's sisters-in-law that the bulbs can be planted and they would come up the next year. Rose wanted to plant the tulips. "When the flowers die," I said. "Then I'll plant the bulbs and you'll have tulips next year." That evening I ate the ears of the chocolate rabbit. Doesn't everyone start with the ears? I thought about mom and dad. I thought about how much I miss making them Easter baskets. They loved the candy. I miss planting flowers for mom. I miss bringing her home a bouquet of flowers just because. I miss my parents. Then the news came on and someone mentioned President Obama. I miss Hillary.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I am explaining wedding showers to Mom because I was telling her that Maraka’s wedding shower is on June 8 and suddenly she is never heard of them, wedding showers.

I ran to the store for some gardening tools and some flowers for my mom. Tomorrow I will go to Lowe's for some flowers to plant. My tulips are coming up beautifully. The stems are about 8 inches high.

Mom had chicken noodle soup for dinner since she was not hungry and I had tuna salad with tomato and cucumber and Swedish pickles.
Friday, April 18, 2008

I was out for 1 ½ hours pulling up dandelion roots and I am not done yet. I had to come in to make breakfast for mom and then I took the Cipro, which are of course bothering my stomach, but it is just a few more days. I lay down for a while after and then Calvin came to visit me. I need to go out and at least figure out the arrangement of the plants.

I had fallen asleep about 9:30 last night and I awoke up to find my mother tapping my hand and sitting in the chair beside my bed, staring at my face. If this damn election is not over soon I may not make it to her 92nd birthday let alone the election in November. She came in to tell me that Hillary lost and the skinny guy won. No. It was the debate (I don’t think she understands what the debates are). I assured mom that Hillary is still running. Then she is back to tell me that Hillary won and they were playing a joke on the skinny guy.
Saturday, April 19, 2008

I looked so bad from working in the sun that even my mother left me alone, well sort of. She came in to ask if I was sleeping and then came in to make sure I was okay. She is a good mommy.

I went out early for potting soil and flower boxes. Nevertheless, Bob is going to lay topsoil so I can plant the ones I bought. Later I will buy some pansies and put them in the boxes.

I picked up some stuffed sole for dinner. I will put on some veggies for mom. We don’t’ need potatoes with this. She says she has a loose stomach just like Calvin who is still feeling poorly.
Saturday, April 19, 2008

Lots of exciting shopping going on. Gifts for the bridal party etc. Jean bought my mom a silver Brighton bag for the wedding. Maraka bought all of the bridesmaids handbags. I have a metallic pink to go with my pink bridesmaid gown. Now all I need are the shoes.

Bob could not take it any more and gave Calvin an emergency haircut. Puppy is feeling better now, came marching down the stairs, past Jean and me and went right into the kitchen. In addition, when I brought in the pills and cookies for my mom he came in and jumped on the bed. He wants the meringues but he ate something and he is still unwell. I carried him upstairs and left him there so he would not beg mom who forgets quickly that the dog could not have anything but his chicken to eat.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Today is bratwurst, Hollandaise sauce and potatoes. Mom is talking about all the dead people again. The only people left aside from family are her three nieces in Sweden... and their children and grandchildren. At 91 plus you think about those things. The other day she decided to live to 95 and asked, me if that was okay. “Yes.” I answered. “But you can change your mind and live longer if you want.” Right now, I think the only thing that holds her interest is the democratic primary elections and what are we having for dinner.

In like a lion.....

2011-03-31T10:16:00.001-06:00

Fiona resting after play.

March is nearly ended. In like a lion and out like a lamb. That's the old proverb. Not this year. Heavy rains and tornadoes in Florida. Lots of thunder storms. Yesterday I stayed with Fiona, my sister Mary's chorkie. Already six pounds of fearless puppy. She ran to the window to bark at the thunder. We played through the wind and rain. She doesn't care. No need to find shelter in her own house. Not like mom. Mom was afraid of thunderstorms. I used to sit with her and Calvin during a storm. Well, Calvin would burrow under the Queen Anne chair in mom's bedroom while she and I sat together and waited out the storm. I enjoy a good rain storm; the sound of the wind and the occasional crack of thunder. This time three years ago, March kept it's word and went out like a lamb, well a weepy lamb.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tilapia for dinner. No complaints that something was burning. I used Italian breadcrumbs to season the fish. Mom ate the whole thing. She even did the dishes.
Mom was so thrilled because the doctor’s office called and said she had a date with Dr. Jacobs tomorrow at two. A week of preparation is spent in anticipation of these appointment. She's always so nice to him and in such a good mood leaving Miss Grouchy at home. And geriatric patients are so often in pain and so grumpy and sometimes nasty that she’s a pleasure.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

She flirted with Dr. Jacob and he returned the favor. He said we could eliminate the morning Seroquel so she should be less tired after breakfast. She enjoyed the stuffed flounder at the College Diner in New Paltz and the visit to Stop and Shop for a few goodies.

Friday, March 28, 2008 1:58 PM

Sunshine is the order of the day but it's late in coming. Raindrops are falling.At least there are no storms in sight. Mom has a head cold. We had pancakes for breakfast; just had coffee. I’ve done her laundry and now I’m drying my bedding and I did the ALA ballot and walked Calvin three times. He can’t walk long so it has to be frequent and it’s rainy today. We’ll have soup and sandwiches for dinner since nothing seems to taste good to her. Her temp is almost normal now and I think while the bedding is drying I’m going to try for a nap. Her show is on so she might relax a bit.
I just finished editing Jean’s resume over coffee and she and Bob are going to the NY Car Show today and taking Maraka along. Calvin will be with us. Jean said he was too sore to walk but he needs to do more so I’m going to get the leash and I him out to the backyard. He had an ecotrin so maybe it’s already working but he’s a my feet now so I’ll wait a bit.

Saturday, March 29, 2008 5:38 PM

And it’s good that I decided to stay home and rest (got none of that) because Jean and Bob went out car shopping for a new car for Jean and who knows how long that will take. It’s been 5 hours. They forgot to mention it to me. Mom is fussy and Calvin is fussy and I keep saying “just shoot me.” My mother isn’t resting at all and is just walking between rooms complaining about them being out and her nose and her doctor was sick and the dog needs something to eat (if he eats anything else he’ll burst).

Sunday, March 30, 2008 9:06 AM

I got to sleep through most of the night all the way to 7:30. Mom was in the kitchen trying not to make too much noise and got the water in the coffee maker. She’s still complaining about being tired but she has a cold and doesn’t seem to notice that she’s not sleeping away the morning after breakfast.
I have the pork chops in the oven and the potatoes on the stove and my mom is like the kid home from school because she’s sick and has zero tolerance for any discomfort and doesn’t remember ever having had a head cold before. I think it selective memory. I’m pretty sure my mom will only eat the potatoes and gravy that I’ll be making and will taste the pork chop.

Sunday, March 30, 2008 12:16 PM

I had this really cool dream that was us, mom and me and a couple of dogs and even a cat sleeping with it’s furry ass in my face and there was a rustling and a woman next to a tree stroking and releasing hundreds of doves with pink and white feathers.

Calvin, the Pumpkin of Love

2011-03-07T08:39:00.003-07:00

Calvin, Me and Calvin's boy Tye still living in Wallkill, just a month and and a couple of weeks after Mom passed away.

Calvin and Grandma

Calvin will always be my Pumpkin of Love. Sometimes his hair had an orange cast that reminded me of the color of pumpkins. That's where my name for him came from. He was so full of love. He was my sister's pet, purchased after 9/11 as a therapy dog for my niece and to fill the void left by Max, the family's Danish Boxer. When I went to live with my mom in Wallkill NY Calvin became as big a part of my life as she. Each morning he came downstairs to visit and stay for dogie day care while everyone upstairs went to work.   I walked him regularly. He was my exercise program. Mommy snuck him cookies he shouldn't have had. But we gave him chicken and salmon and haddock and meatballs as well. We used to visit his friend Charlie a little dog of unknown breed and his owner Jack. They lived across the street. Now both Charlie and Jack are gone.

During the last few months of mom's life, Calvin insisted that we all go to her room in the late afternoon. When I went to take my nap he began going to mom's room. Then he'd come back and bark at me and stare and wait until I followed him. We napped together. I kept a small tea cup by my bedside filled with water for Calvin. When he was on my bed and thirsty, he went to my end table to his drink.

After mom passed away and I moved to Sante Fe, Calvin and his family joined me. In a few months we all moved up to the Four Corners area of Colorado. Calvin had a fenced in front and back yard now and he could sit on the porch all he wanted. Jean could let him out when he need to but he still liked having someone by his side while he roamed the yard.  My job search didn't go well so I relocated to live with my Florida family. The morning I left I took Calvin for his walk. I gave him is treat and brought him back to his mom, said goodbye and drove east.    That was the last time I saw Calvin.

Saturday night Calvin passed away. I believe my mom was in the light waiting for him and now he's meeting all the family dogs who came before him. No leashes, no fences, no dietary restrictions and all the dandelions he wants to eat.

I am sooooo glad it's not a major election year!

2011-03-05T11:17:00.001-07:00

What's going on in my life right now has nothing to do with elections or politics. Well unless you count the fact that I'm unemployed, the economy sucks, I'm living off relatives and a new President in office has made no change that I can tell. Well, not nationally anyway and I don't intend to credit or blame him for revolutions around the world. On the plus side we're between elections so there are no speeches and the media can't play "let's put this one in office, who cares what the people think." That last presidential election comes to mind only because in 2008 primary elections were going on and they had my mother's full attention. I went many a night unable to return to sleep because my mother woke me to ask me questions about the skinny guy, the squoggily guy and Valerie. Frankly, I prefer her names for the candidates.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 12:41 PM
Sandwiches and coffee for lunch. Quiche and chicken noodle soup for dinner. Eight cans of soup on the shelf that she won’t say yech to. Tomorrow eye of round. That’s two days of meals. Thursday I’ll make cod: I’ll poach it and smother it in béarnaise sauce. She loves it. I don't.

Now if only campaigning would come to an end. How many month's until November?
Mom is still having trouble understanding the primaries. She still doesn’t get that Obama and Clinton want to run for president as democrats and that McCain is the republican candidate. She knows he’s a Republican but she thinks it’s between the two democrats. Well, the confusion isn’t her fault. That’s how the press seems to be pushing it. I think if it were up to the “liberal” press, Barack Obama, or the skinny one as my mother likes to call him, would be inaugurated tomorrow. This is worse than the Anna Nicole Smith debacle.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 9:05
My mother is still driving me nuts about this election. When will it end! The election not my mother. My mother woke me last night while I was trying to sleep. It was because of the Mississippi election. She thinks that if the skinny one (Obama) wins the state he owns it and has to move there. I think I finally got through that it only means that people there might think he should be President. If he wins the state. I’m rooting for Hilary myself. This country needs a woman.

Homemade Soup

2011-02-27T01:04:00.003-07:00

Up at 1:30 this morning. I guess I'll be going to bed early today. I thought I would work on the blog. In a few days it will be my parents wedding anniversary and two days later the anniversary of daddy's passing. Time passes so quickly in retrospect. It seems as if the bad times, the stressful times, the healing times will never end and then they're gone. The little things, the happy events are gone in an instant. Like the day my mom liked my homemade vegetable beef soup. I remember that she especially like the carrots. They were organic baby carrots.

One day I'll make that soup again. I really enjoyed it. I haven't cooked since I left Santa Fe. Now that I'm moving in with big sister Rose Marie I guess I will. Cook again that is.

Mom, Jean, me and Gunnar on Lexington Avenue in Jersey City. I'm all dressed up for the school costume contest. Daddy is taking the photo. The real Captain Kangaroo came to judge the contest. I don't remember who won. I do remember that mom told me I was an Indian princess and the teachers kept moving me from princess to character. I don't remember where I ended up.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Today is Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary. Sixty-three years ago they married. They were married for 46 years.

Mom has been going on about what she went through when she dislocated her shoulder and had surgery at 80 and that was much worse than my broken wrist. She got over that and I’ll get over this. That's how she copes. If my pain isn’t as bad as hers was then I will certainly recover since she did. Otherwise she would be fraught with worry. What surprises me is that she doesn't remember that daddy died in the midst of all of that. She dislocated her shoulder after he turned 80 on the 14th of February. Standard surgery didn't workl and she required an artifical ball joint. She was recovering from surgery; her arm in a sling when he died on the 4th of March.

Friday, March 07, 2008

I can die happy because I made a beef vegetable soup (from scratch) and mom liked it and she’s willing to eat it tomorrow and everything, all the veggies and the beef were soft enough for her. My life is now complete.

"On the road again, got to get on the road again...."

2011-02-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

If it's Friday I must be packing. I've seen the back seat of my Saturn Ion for the first since this past October. I'll be moving in with my big sister Rose for a bit. She's moving into a new townhouse and it has stairs. My new and really cheap aerobics workout. Stayed over last night so I would be there for the furniture delivery this morning and man what a moon. She was bright and shining and awe inspiring. A blessing. Furniture and fridge were delivered and soon Rose will have a new home. All is beautiful inside as well as out.

Moving is something we did a lot of growing up and I've managed to hold up my end of the family tradition although I will admit I've carried it to the point of ridiculousness. Or maybe I'm just reliving my early childhood. I was born in Sacramento, we moved to Placerville, to San Francisco, to Boston and Jersey City by the time I was two. That was after my parents emigrated from Stockholm. Nothing sad or weepy about it. Just the facts. I am adept at packing and paring down I don't even have to think about a check list for utilities and change of address. I might even change my phone number this time.

Meanwhile, three years ago about this time, moving was a daydream and nothing like what's been going on. I thought when the time came I would know when and where and how and while I thought I did I was very obviously mistaken. Now, I'm waiting the for house to fall on my head.

2011-02-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

My left hand is stiff today. So is my arm and my shoulder for that matter. Doing lots of blogging since there have been so few articles for me to pick up at DMS.

As soon as February comes I think of Daddy. This is his birthday month. Gunnar Emanuel Valentine Hermby Mansson. What a mouthful for a baby. Born on Valentine's day. This year would have been his 95th birthday. It's been nearly 15 years since he passed. I remember we had a family party for his 80th birthday. I went to Publix for a party platter and a cake. Two weeks later on March 2 we celebrated my parents 46th wedding anniversary the same way. I don't know why. Mom wanted to do that. It's just that she didn't want anything like a party for her 45th or 40th anniversary. And Mom's arm was in a sling. She'd suffered a fall from a chair while she was dusting a fan not long after Daddy's birthday. Her left shoulder was dislocated and just wouldn't reset.

Daddy passed away on March 4th and not long after Mom had a titanium joint put in. She recuperated quickly and it never gave her any trouble. She must have known something.

* * *

Wednesday, February 13, 2008
All the pins are out of my arm. The bar has been gifted to Dave. PT starts tomorrow. I can actually bend my wrist. I'll be able to wear clothes with zippers and buttons again.
February 14, 2008 7:39 AM
Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 92. Mom forgot. She loses track. I bought flowers yesterday and I gave mom a card and chocolates for Valentine’s Day.

Friday, February 15, 2008 9:10 AM
Mom is sliding back into the “Joan will do it” mode but I still can’t wash dishes.
No cooking. Birthday dinner for Dave.
I had a two handed, almost, shower without a plastic bag and I finally got to wear my Christmas jammies. I showed them to my mom and she said “When did you get those?”
“You gave them to me for Christmas.”
“Oh. That was nice.”

I'll Keep My Fingers Crossed

2011-01-30T07:22:00.001-07:00

For the past couple of weeks or maybe the entire year, it's a short year so far, I've been living in the State of Funk. Not a great climate and living next door to Mr. Dark and Mrs. Glum, not to mention the Bleaks down the street has been downright depressing. It's this whole unemployment after a a year and a half plus since my mom passed. For the first time I looked upon leaving work and home to care for my mom as a sacrifice. Yep. Over educated. Sixty years old. No more money. Applications floating around in the ether like balloons. Every week or two I get a new rejection. No interviews. Just anonymous emails saying "thanks, but no thanks."

And then I wonder, where is the Creator in all this? I expected that when the time came getting back to work, making a living would be easy. I cherished the time with my mother. She shared her life and home with me and made a space so I could take care of her. We drove each other crazy and made each other laugh and we had a nice routine interrupted by her intense sense of smell and short term memory loss and my frustration. Then she died and I went into action expecting that my dreams would all fall into place. Evidently they were someone else's dream. Fortunately I have loving and supportive family but it does not escape my notice that they are making sacrifices for me and while there might be some karmic reason for that I feel a burden. I am fulfilling one of my dreams. I am a professional writer. I'm not writing what I expected and not making enough to live on but the experience is good and I am paying my bills. Not all of them but the ones I need most like car insurance and cell phone and gasoline. And mom always said I would write a book and get rich.
I've been feeling sorry for myself all year but writing this, remembering the past, living at least some of my dream, the idea that I've made any sacrifices is fading into oblivion and once again I cherish my past few years and am grateful that my mother shared her last years with me. And maybe this is part of the Big Plan. Maybe I'm being moved from one part of the country to another to get me into the right place at the right time. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Anyway I must be getting better. I dreamt I went down to the cellar of my mind with Skitty, one of the household cats. I felt good about it as I moved down stone steps to larger boxes and then jumping to the cold stone floor as if onto a cloud. It means I'm facing my deepest fears.

Mommy on a summer day in Wallkill. It was a good life for both of us.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Nine giant moons that turned out to be giant monster frogs that wanted to devour me as I slept last night. Sweet Dreams.
My mother was freaking because I let Jean borrow my car.
“What if she ruins it?” Mom complains. “She’s going to take it away. You know she went for two or more hours.” Mom continues.
“I’ve got good insurance.” I answer. “Jean has good insurance.” Mom worries that they will usurp my car and she and I will have no transportation. She'll be better when Jean gets back and gives me the keys.

Raise a cup of coffee to a friend.

2011-01-24T08:00:00.001-07:00

Ever had one of those days. You know the date means something but you just can't remember what? Today is or was like that for me. Today is the 6th anniversary of the passing of my dear friend, Pam Linhart. She'd been physically unwell. Some diabetes from overdosing on chocolate. The back injury from work that put her on permanent disability. But the hear attack was a surprise. A call early in the morning, the middle of the night, from the nurses station. Her son Chris was there. They needed her paperwork. Her DNR. She had it posted on her front door but when they EMTs took her out they didn't see it. I rushed to her place, to the hospital. Spoke with Chris and the nurse and the DNR spoke for Pam. She was unconscious. Not coming to again. After Chris and his wife Mary said goodbye I went in to say good bye. To perform last rites, Wiccan rites. No one else would have known how. But she was already gone. Her death mask told me that . Still, if she was watching at least she knew there were no priests or ministers. She knew she had family and friends to see her off and that the Goddess was waiting. So mote it be.

So I wonder if all the people I knew, the friends and family on the other side, I wonder. Are they getting together, taking in concerts, dancing, getting to know each other? Getting together for coffee. Coffee. That was one of the little things Pam missed because she couldn't lift a pot to make coffee any more. We tried coffee cup warmers and instant coffee, and sometimes we went out if the walk from the car to the restaurant wasn't too far. Then she could have a good cup of coffee with lots of cream. Like me. Like my folks In honor of your memory Pam,I raise a cup of coffee.

Sunday, January 13, 2008 6:44 PM

It was a lazy eat when you want kind of day. Mom and I had pancakes really late because I didn’t want to wake her. Later I had a cold cabbage roll and mom had hers heated with toast. Mom told me I was sleeping hard at midnight. She came in to look at me and I didn’t hear her talking to me. I was exhausted. And on pain meds. She does that when she wakes up to wonder around. Come in to check on me but usually she startles me awake.

Monday, January 21, 2008 8:45 AM

Meredith sent me a get well card. A good friend

Thursday, January 24, 2008 8:24 AM

Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of Pam Linhart’s death.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 5:13 PM

I get the pins out Feb. 13th. X-rays were good. Minimal swelling and the stitches came out and I can shower again. Just wrap the arm in plastic. Physical therapy begins when the bar is removed.

My mom is getting tired from helping me take care of her and me. She still feels a bit like this happened just to her.

Still living out of suitcases.....

2011-01-11T12:13:00.002-07:00

The New Year is almost two weeks old and I'm pretty much in the same place I was two years ago. Disabled and living out of suitcases, most of my worldly possessions divided between the car and my bedroom. I've pared down so much I barely remember what I sold and gave away and what I might still have. I don't even care right now but someday I'll have a place of my own again and I might actually find a need for what's there.

Like 2008 I started the year disabled. Then it was a broken wrist. Fortunately, this year, it's just a head cold that took the Mansson family like Grant took Richmond. But unlike 2008 I don't have my mom.

January 01, 2008 Happy New Year
I just managed Swedish pancakes, a little thicker so I could flip them more easily. We started off with a good breakfast for the new year. Mom slept until 10:30 after 7:30 coffee and meds. Its snowing heavily.
Mom called her other niece, Yvonne, this afternoon. Yesterday we called June and Inga. I'm hoping Yvonne understood since my mom's Swedish is worse than mine. She speaks in English and Swedish and doesn't realize it.

Thursday, January 03, 2008 8:26 AM
The meringue cookies came last night in time for mommies’ night time pills.   After I brought them to her she
came out to talk to me.
“I’m afraid jag skulla (I'm going to) die.”
“Why?”
“Dr. Jacob said I was the same as I was the last time I saw him.”
“Mommy,” I said hugging her with my good right arm, “You were very good the last time. He just means you’re as healthy as the last time he saw you.”
“Really?”
“He meant you’re doing well.”
“That’s good, Joanie.” We hugged again and I walked her back to bed.

Saturday, January 05, 2008 9:14 AM
The mommy is getting worn down by my injury. She helps with cooking and does the dishes. It doesn’t seem like much but coupled with her anxiety about her own well being it’s exhausting for her. She still feels on some level that this happened to her and so it has I guess. Lately she’s been afraid she’s dying and she has her heart set on living until 95.
Sunday, January 06, 2008 4:00 PM
We just had diner. Mom made hamburgers and so help me while she remembers how to cook them she couldn’t remember to pack the meet into a paddy first  but it tasted fine. She’s insisted on cooking because my bp is high. She’s a good mommy.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008 7:39 PM
Rose called at 7 and I overheard my mom telling her she couldn’t wait for me to be better. She’s trying but she’s a bit scared and insecure and my wacky mommy of course.

Friday, January 11, 2008 3:02 PM
Mother is here ranting about closets and my stuff being out (I put out the easy clothes so I didn’t have to drag out the boxes and why is this here (her swing cushion that she put there) so I moved it. And she doesn’t like the packages I have in the corner behind my chaise (which I can’t put away until my arm is healed because I know where I need to put things but they’re only bothering her and no one is going to get her furniture when she dies. And I have too many clothes and I (me) need to get rid of clothes and this has been going on for an hour. No wonder I have high BP. Now she’s watching her soap. She can’t help herself and she’s so impatient. This to shall pass.

And she set the heat up to 86 and I just lowered. It was 78.

So when not tormenting me about putting things away (she just wants it unseen, she doesn’t care if it’s organized, I still can’t find my measuring cup. And my father’s knife was in the China cabinet behind photos. We’ve been looking for it for months.) She was going on about dinner. We’re doing hotdogs and toast. She originally wanted to make mashed potatoes but changed her mind.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Christmas week. Seven days from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve. School is out. Mary and Gunnar and Fiona and me (a little), helping Heather and Erika out with Sophie and Casey. This morning Gunnar took Casey fishing and Sophie and Fiona and I played pirates until it was time for me to go to the office. That's what I call the library. Mary and Sophie and Fiona are playing quietly and I'm waiting for DMS to finish their upgrade so I can find some articles to write.

It's almost 2011. I remember all the techno terror over the demise of computer systems when the year turned to 2000. Someone overthought that one. Now it's time to count down to the end of the world. Two more years to December 2012 and the Mayan doomsday. And that date will pass and we'll find something else to worry about. People. We have to find something to worry about if we don't have something already. Why can't we just enjoy the good times, the quiet times we share. We're so silly.

My wish to all of the world stop and eat the cookies fresh out of the oven. Enjoy the drizzling rain and the beautiful rainbows. See the wildflowers instead of the weeds and say please and thank you. Smile at strangers and say hello. Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 30, 2007
We just finished having breakfast eggs and tomatoes and mom is doing the dishes because it’s hard to do with one hand. Although I am able to flip the egg pretty easily and I think now that I’m getting enough dexterity in my right hand and not depending on my left hand I might be able to tackle pancakes.

Monday December 31, 2007
Just a quiet evening for me and mom and the Calvin. Jean and Bob will go out for dinner and be back by 9:00. Mom and I will go to bed and watch the festivities from our separate bed and I'll join her about 11:45 and we'll snuggle and watch the countdown and kiss for the New Year and then we'll go back to sleep.

There's a new girl in town

2010-12-22T13:03:00.002-07:00

Fiona Mansson is the newest and tiniest member of the Mansson Family. Well there is that new kitty named Wednesday living at Casey's house but technically she's a Knight. Fiona the chorkie, the designer dog full of piss and vinegar a Christmas gift to us all even though she's really sister Mary's dog. Fiona, named for the gun dealer girlfriend of Michael Weston on Burn Notice, is courageous and playful and curious and oh so loveable.

She loves to chew on fingers and toes and to play tug of war. When I see her pulling at Mary's socks in the morning she reminds me of Cookie, the Pekeginese we adopted when I was fourteen. Cookie, a male, I think the name was little sister Jean's idea. Don't remember. Cookie began his life in the kitchen where accidents were easily cleared away. In the morning when mom went in to put on the coffee and start breakfast Cookie, a tiny ball of fur would greet her and begin his morning play by pulling on the bottom of her nightgown. Cookie grew up to be a sort of mean little dog though that wasn't his fault. Mom made him a little neurotic. He loved to go for walks with me, his favorite food was calf liver and he slept in a doggie bed in the living room where he guarded us from intruders. Once, when my sister, Rose Marie, was visiting with her dog, Peke (yeah, another Pekeginese) I witnessed Cookie perform an act of kindness and my opinion of him changed forever. Cookie, who was the dominant dog, and Peke were standing in the kitchen in front of the food bowl and with his tiny nose pushed to bowl to Peke. Peke age, Cookie waited.

Mom would have loved Fiona and spoiled her rotten as she did with all of her dogs as well as Calvin, the Pumpkin of Love. Little Fi would always be fed first. People can wait. She would be cuddled and kissed and squeezed.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 7:59 AM
Lots of nice gifts for everyone. Slippers and sweaters and lotions and shoes. Bathrobes and jammies and lovely jewels. Hats and scarves and gloves to match. A 26” flatscreen tv for me from Bob.
Jean made bacon and pancakes; mom ate breakfast in bed. I had to take a xanax a couple of days ago. I just couldn’t take anymore of mom’s complaints. It’s as if she broke her arm, not me. The arm feels better and I’ll be glad to have the cast reduced on Friday. Jean’s been making dinners and mom does the dishes.

Mom and Calvin

Calvin only get's to visit a little right now. I can't walk him or help him up on the bed right now. Mom slips him cookies of course and wants me to give him cream. That's a no no. Mommy is talking about having a cat. Calvin she says stays with me, not her. I need to work on that. I'm afraid of cats.

Friday, December 28, 2007 10:10 AM
Last night I dreamt the cast fell off; there was a coffee can with screws in it. Home from the doctor's office. Need surgery. The break isn’t healing correctly. Guess I know what the dream meant.

I Curse the River of Time

2010-12-17T08:05:00.003-07:00

That's the name of the novel by Norwegian author Per Petterson. Not another Scandinavian thriller though I do like those. It's about a man trying to bridge the gap that's grown between his mother and he. Or is it him? It's a melancholy work. Most Scandinavians are melancholy writers. At least all I've ever read. But his story made me sad and I haven't even finished it yet. I'm sitting in the library cafe sipping my coffee refill and listening to wonderful Christmas music and thinking about my mom. Petterson spoke of going to the movies with his mom to see Grand Prix and his memory completely obliterated the presence of his older brother. I search my memory and in childhood it was always me and Jean, my little sister. If the older kids were along than it was a family affair but when it was just mom it was always me and Jean and mom. When we road the bus mom take the first seat next to the stranger and then Jean and then me. Next to a stranger. I didn't like sitting next to a stranger. I never liked sitting next to strangers. I wanted to sit next to my mommy.

I remember the December the year before I moved to New York. Mom had come to Florida to stay for a while and then decided she wanted to go back to New York so I took the few days vacation time I had left and booked us a fllight to the Newburgh Airport in early December. Mom wore her black leather jacket and I wore the black leather coat she had given me a few years earlier. The cabin was cold so after we had our meal, the airlines were still serving meals then, and our coffee we tried to sleep. I asked for a blanket but they didn't have any. Mom was shivering so I stood, removed my coat and turned it around slipping in my left arm so I could use the to cover mom's lap and legs. We snuggled like mother and child though I realize now that I had already become the mother.

I curse the river of time that took my mother away from me and gave me a child and then took her away.

Christmas cards

2010-12-15T08:58:00.001-07:00

Last night I was feeling really tired. Spacey. It reminded me of when I broke my wrist two years ago. The pain meds took care of the pain but my brain was muddled and I only cared about sleeping. Who wants to feel like that on purpose? I slept a lot. Until 8:00 in fact. It amazing what a good night's sleep can do or even just going back to sleep for a while if you don't have go get up. I remember mom saying "the best sleep is just before you have to get up."
It's nearly Christmas. Well it's getting to be late for me to send Christmas cards. I usually have them written and mailed by the tenth of December and I haven't even given it a second thought. I wonder if e cards count? Maybe I'll make my own. Money's a little tight but at least a home made ecard is a bit more meaningful. Still. Getting a card in the mail give the recipient something to hold onto.

December 17, 2007 6:20 PM
Mom got a letter from the last of the nieces in Sweden today and I enlarged it on the computer so mom can read it. I had trouble reading it myself because of Inga's handwriting. But I got most of it. Tomorrow when the daylight is bright my mom can read it herself.

December 19, 2007 4:38 PM
I’m on drugs for pain and about to go to bed. Yesterday morning while walking down the driveway with Calvin I slipped and broke my left wrist. I don't know how long I sat on the icy surface before I could get up. Calvin came and sat on me and watched the neighborhood. Finally, I got a grip on the pain and managed with one hand to get myself up and Cal and I made our way back into the house. Bob took me to emergency Jean stayed with mom and Calvin. It was painful but clean. I’m getting sleepy now. I was on pain meds all night yesterday and didn’t sleep much at all. Jean made dinner for mom. Mom's worried.

December 21, 2007 8:51 AM
I get to go around squeezing my right tit all day. Cheap thrill. My hand is swollen as expected but I’m no longer screaming in pain. I'm still sleeping with it and staying in an upright position. Mom goes to the doctor today. Jean will take her since I can't drive.
We had our coffee and cookies and after a while I'll make mom some eggs. I don't think I'm up to flipping pancakes yet. Mom's already getting testy. She's scared because of my injury. Scared she'll be left alone. That no one will take care of her.

Morning aroma of coffee

2010-12-07T10:46:00.001-07:00

It's about that time of year. Time to start getting food for the Christmas menu. This year since I'm with Mary and Gunnar I'll not be shopping. They got the ham this past Saturday. Mary says that she doesn't want to have Christmas but they've been buying gifts and wrapping them and thinking about the menu. Of course watching the home shows on QVC only serves to keeps your mind on holidays and cooking.

Rice pudding. I made it last year when I was in Santa Fe. I wasn't going to but Maraka asked. It was my best batch. I won't make it this year though. Maybe Jean will make it for Maraka and Bob. I've been staying out of the supermarkets. Avoiding the smells and sights of the holiday fare. But sometimes, even the early morning fragrance of that first cup of coffee puts me back with mom. I wake up thinking I need to put the coffee on and put out the cookies and go into wake her up. Then I remember. We have our morning coffee together anyway though. I wonder if they have coffee in heaven. Oh they must. It wouldn't be heaven without coffee.

Thursday, December 06, 2007 5:22 PM
I'm so tired and my mom is full of piss and vinegar. She kept complaining how her back hurt but insisted on going out and then after ten minutes in the store I couldn’t get her to stop shopping. I drew the line at milk and cream for the rice pudding. It won’t last two weeks. We did get the spiral ham and cookies and lots of other goodies. We bought rotisserie chicken to have for lunch when we got home and coffee and cake an hour later and then at 3:00PM mommy decided she wanted dinner even though she insisted she wouldn’t be hungry and didn’t want anything. I wasn’t hungry. I had some chicken and potato salad and a donut (plain) and then for dinner coffee and an orange. She ate cookies, cake, more cookies, chocolate and chicken and a sandwich and more cookies. All that exercise really gaver her an appetite!

December 10, 2007 10:11 AM
It's wet and icy out there and I damn near slipped on my butt while walking down the driveway to put my cards in the mail. There are ice cycles on the mails box and the trash container. I had to wake mom up for breakfast and I kicked up the heat so it would be blowing for her. When I’m sure she’s back in bed I’ll turn it back to 76.

'tis the season

2010-12-06T12:07:00.001-07:00

It's a sort of sad holiday season for me. No place of my own. No funds to buy gifts, at least not very many. Well, just a few for the kids, maybe. But my out of state shipping is easier. One gift to Tye goes in the mail tomorrow. One birthday gift for our December child and one Christmas gift for our only princess are waiting to be wrapped. But it's a happy season as well. If you don't count the stress of being unemployed, receiving yet another employment rejection and wondering how long it will be before I have to trade in my '07 for a junker. Not winning the lottery. Oh. I was supposed to buy a ticket wasn't I?

But on the bright side, (there's always a bright side, isnt there?) I have family and friends and a roof over my head and food and I'm getting over my seriously servere fear of felines and in less than two weeks we'll be having a furry little chorkie coming to live with us. My sister Mary is with puppy, metaphorically (?) speaking. Oh good. I have Kleenex in my bag. It's embarrassing to be quietly sobbing into my computer, nose running and strangers furtively glancing my way.

This is the second Christmas since mom passed away but the first since Mary's mom passed. This time of year can be difficult if you let it, especially if you miss some of the long time rituals like decorating, looking for just the right gifts for kids who are growing to quickly, making sure that it feels like a Swedish Christmas for my mom. Soimehow, this holiday is more difficult for me than last year. Maybe it's the unemployment.

November 14, 2007 2:38 PM

Out of state Christmas gifts wrapped.
November 18, 2007 4:12 PM
Mom finished her letters to Sweden.
November 22, 2007 8:44 AM
Happy Thanksgiving.

November 25, 2007 10:06 AM
I pulled out all of the Christmas decorations. It’s a beautiful sunny day. We had the pancakes with the blueberries, raspberries and strawberries I picked up yesterday. I put out strawberries during the day so mom can snack on them along with the cookies and the chocolate. That’s my mom.

November 27, 2007 5:17 PM
I am overcome by the Christmas spirit. Well, at least I have purchased gifts for all out of state relatives and this weekend I’ll complete the last of the New Yorkers. I ordered a couple of coffee mugs and Swedish cookies and my annual calendar for my mom and they came today so I can pack up and ship out the boxes this week but I won’t - waiting for Jean to finish up.

Food, Glorious Food

2010-11-22T12:13:00.001-07:00

With Thanksgiving fast approaching my Florida family, mostly my sister-in-law, Mary, isaking up the dinner menu. Turkey of course and ham thanks to my nephew-in-law Bobby. It's as if my mother jumped inside his body and told him we needed a ham. Of course, growing up we normally had turkey even though my mom never cared for it but often we would have ham. Ham was usually our main Christmas meal but mom loved ham, especially Danish honey-baked ham. Me to. Mom was really a great fan of pork in all of it's forms, especially pork roast. Me, not so much. Ham and bacon were my favorite form of porcine.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007 3:43 PM
I've got to say it. I don’t mean to be mean but I have to say it. Why do I bother? Before I went shopping on Saturday mom told me to buy a pork roast.
On Sunday I said, “do you want to make the pork roast tomorrow.”
“Yes.”
So on Monday we made the pork roast and then…
“The other meat we usually buy is better.”
“But this is the meat we buy for pork roasts.”
"I like the other pot roast we buy.”
“This is pork roast not pot roast. It’s pork not beef.”
The aha moment hits her between the eyes, well bumps her head anyway.
“This was pork? Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Really?”
“I have a pot roast in the freezer. We’ll have that over the weekend.”
“Well,” she said. “The gravy and potatoes are good.”
Her taste buds are going. I'm so sick of pork roast and chops. I’ll just buy an eye of round roast twice a month and she’ll never know the difference. I'll just tell her it's pork. Hehehe.

Stormy Weather

2010-11-03T10:47:00.003-06:00

We've finally gotten a decent rain here in Volusia County. The temps will drop, the lawn will be fed and except for those with SAD and fear of thunder it's almost relaxing. Sleep comes easily and much needed rest is a tonic. Listening to the rain fall on the roof of the family room in my brother and sister-in-laws house reminded me of mom. Most things remind me about mom but rain, thunder, any inclement weather depressed her or frightened her and the sound of rain on the roof could drive her to distraction. October 2007 brought just such weather. Mom had SAD (we think) and became depressed when it was raining or overcast. She was afraid of thunder and often I would comfort her by sitting with her in her bed until it passed and she could sleep.
October 2007 was a rainy sort of month.

October 11, 2007
It was one of those mornings. The drizzly autumn days of the Middle Atlantic/New England states that says stay in bed. Curl up and sleep with me. Wrap yourself in your blankets and dream. But this morning I got up before six. I enjoy this kind of day though. It’s comforting and relaxing and a day that makes no demands on you to run out and play in the sunshine just because it’s out. This day says enjoy your own company, relax into your easy chair and read that book.

Mom was depressed because of the gray skies and the dampness in the air but her blood work results came from her boyfriend the doctor. Good, Good, Good, Stable, Normal, Good. No changes needed. Yep. She’s healthier than her children. Heck. She’s healthier than half the planet and I don’t mean the old half.

In Nassau County (far far away from us there were tornado warnings). For my mother it’s get your handbag packed in anticipation of the roof being blown off the house. So I gave her a flashlight because she expected the power to go out. No tornados there or anywhere else but not anywhere near if there had been. It’s a sunless, overcast, rainy day. One of those days when the very air feels like a drizzle. It’s a little windy so she had to have the cover of the swing taken down and brought in now. The winds won’t be heavy enough to do more than lift it to another position but she’s certain that it’s going to blow the entire heavy metal structure blow away. I had to go out in the rain and take it off and put the metal braces somewhere since I don’t know where they were to begin with, one of the sheds I guess, and hung the cover to dry since it was wet. Meanwhile we had to start making the pea soup at 9 o’clock this morning so it’ll be ready about noon which is when we'll have dinner. She hasn’t laid down for a rest because she’s stirring the soup and I can’t be trusted which is fine. The rain passed and the sun came out by the time we sat down to eat and mom was feeling better. "The storm scares me Joanie."
"I know mommy." I reach over to hug her at the dinner table. "But it's gone now. It always goes away."
"That's true." She answered. "But I still don't like it."