Mind Over Matter...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter

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2011-03-27T08:33:00.000-04:00

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2011-03-22T18:01:00.000-04:00

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Under the Layers - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-03-21T20:51:00.000-04:00

Under the Layers - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

Mind Over Matter...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter: boundaries

2011-03-13T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mind Over Matter...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter: boundaries

Can't sleep

2011-03-13T03:53:00.000-04:00

Mood swings are out of control. Can't sleep despite how tired I am. Up at 1 a.m. doing laundry and dishes. Sleeping meds are of no use. Manic/depressed: I am all over the place. Eating disorder is playing a significant role in my life. Luckily, I do have support systems in place. Thankfully, there are many people who are willing to put up with my insanity and hang around until I work through it. So many times, I just wish that I was "normal." My mind is always so busy with all of the things I want/need to do. OCD, perfectionism, PTSD, and life in general can be overwhelming. I am grateful for the moments when my mind does calm down and I am able to rest. However, this is not one of those moments. If you are suffering, too, I am praying for an effective treatment. In the meantime, we continue our regime of medications, therapy, psychiatric visits, and following our food plans. Waiting, hoping for an answer. I think, above all, the most important thought that I have had in the past week is that when I die, I want my headstone to simply say "she made a difference." Every day, I wake up and thank God for another day. I make every attempt to add something to someone else's life--even if it is only a smile. We should all be thankful for what we do have; there is usually someone less fortunate. If everyone would take a moment to add a little kindness and then, "pay it forward," the world would be a better place.

May you find peace.

March is Nutrition Month - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-03-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

March is Nutrition Month - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

boundaries

2011-03-09T06:49:00.000-05:00

Trying to set boundaries with myself and others. This is truly difficult. I expect too much from myself. I am also an adrenaline junkie. I love that high that comes with the rush of adrenaline. It is the same feeling associated with starving and mania. So, I have 3 sisters. I am the "sister who doesn't exist." Yeah, this is a direct quote. Fits right in with the anorexia. When I have contact with them, I totally revert to childhood. Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I cannot change them. I can change me. I have set boundaries in regards to them. Today is a new day. Rejoice and be free.

Home | Examiner.com

2011-03-07T04:56:00.000-05:00

Home | Examiner.com

Eating Disorders and Your Heart

2011-02-25T03:57:00.000-05:00

Good morning! I saw the cardiologist on February 14th--ironic? My ejection fraction is between 30 and 40%. Normal value would be above 50%. This obviously is not good. No exercise and a lot more medicine. This is a direct result of my battle with ED. One thing keeps running through my mind...I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS." However, if this is the way it will be, I am dedicating my life to making a difference in anyone else's life. I am sharing my story with everyone in the hope that they can get the help that they need. I am supporting the American Heart Association and spreading the words on upcoming events to raise money for them. I am writing my latest book. Finally, I am taking care of "me." ED is ugly. If you or someone you know is suffering, please, get help.

Have a Heart - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-02-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

Have a Heart - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

Just thinking

2011-02-21T04:39:00.000-05:00

Hello to everyone! Perfection is not all that it is cracked up to be. I spend every second of every day working at every single thing. I put all of my energy into writing, working, and family. Pretty much, that leaves no time for me. I really need to work on this. I have been reading a book called "Imperfect Control." Seems helpful. Every day, it is my goal to just improve someone else's day a little. I want to touch the world. I think that today I will make that someone-me. I will try to give myself the love that I so deserve and provide myself with some self-care. It is my hope that you will do the same. Eat nutritiously, exercise moderately, meditate, and find some joy in life.

All of my love,
Angi

Heart Health: Complications of Eating Disorders - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-02-19T04:14:00.000-05:00

Heart Health: Complications of Eating Disorders - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

The best of life

2011-02-16T06:51:00.000-05:00

As you well know, on my journey to recovery, I have stumbled and even fallen. I have always had the support I have needed to get back up and carry on. However, I have had my share of bruises along the way. Currently, despite my abstinence, I am in heart failure. Huge consequence of the search for perfection through ED. This disease is UGLY! It is not glamorous. Please, I beg of you, if you are in a relationship with ED-GET HELP. If you know someone with ED, encourage and support them in getting help. It truly is a matter of life and death. Choose life. We are unique, beautiful, and special. Our differences are what make us this way. I challenge everyone to make a difference. Tell someone...even yourself, you love him/her. We are not invincible.

Pepsi Says "Get the Skinny" on Diet Pepsi - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-02-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

Pepsi Says "Get the Skinny" on Diet Pepsi - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

My Story

2011-02-12T09:40:00.001-05:00

On Monday, February 14, I will be seeing my cardiologist to find out how much damage my heart has endured as a result of my years of eating disorders. In all honesty, I am so very lucky to be alive. I wake up every single day and thank my higher power for another chance to take care of myself while helping others with this devestating disease.

The Beginning
Who can say when it all begin. If genetics are truly responsible, the eating disorder has always been there. However, I can name some triggers that lead to the extremes that I have went to in order to have the "perfect body." First and foremost in my mind is the fact that I came from a totally dysfunctional family. Abuse was commonplace. Physical, emotional, and sexual. My mother sufferred from eating disorders as well. So, fixation on food was learned if not inherited. I was subject to comments such as "you are fat, ugly, stupid, a whore, a slut, a bitch." I was told that I would never amount to anything and that she wished I had never been born. In an extreme effort to make myself numb, my primary focus became weight loss. I felt that in a world of chaos, food and my weight were the things that I could control.Although my "relationship" with food started long before, my mom took me to a weight loss doctor when I was 13. This was the beginning of an addiction that I have battled for almost 30 years.

The Dangers

Years of binging, starving, over-exercising, and purging totally ruined my health. At age 32, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy. My heart was failing. Since then, I have dealt with dental issues and have lost many of my teeth. I have had gastric ulcers, esophageal ulcers, esophageal tears, and more. I had a prolapsed uterus due to over exercise and in part related to pregnancies. I had a prolapsed rectum related to the overuse of laxatives. I have been addicted to diet pills. All in all, this disease is UGLY! In the search for the "perfect body," I ruined the body that my higher power gave me. Over the years, I have been close to death, but thankfully, I am alive today.

Recovery
I cannot change what I have done to myself. I can change how I choose to treat myself and view myself. Yes, I still look in the mirror and see this huge monster looking back, but that is the eating disorder fighting to get back into my life. I know it is a distorted image and when it is necessary, I ask those that I trust to help me see the truth. I have been 92 pounds and I have seen 300 pounds over my adult life. You know what? The numbers didn't mean a damn thing. Happiness was never there. All that was there was a focus on a number, numbness, and isolation. It is okay to feel. Anger, fear, sadness: they get a bad rap. These feelings must be lived with. They can be useful in finding the right path. Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are necessary for cleansing the soul. There must be balance in everything. You must have sadness, anger, and fear to balance the enthusiasm, excitement, love, happiness, and invincible feelings. It is the same with health. You have to balance nutrition, exericse, spirituality.

My thoughts
I am who I am because of all the events that have preceeded me. I would not be who I am now if I did not have these experiences. I would not advise anyone else to indulge in an eating disorder to find peace. It doesn't work that way. What I am saying is that I no longer feel anger at my higher power for what has happened to me. I completely accept my responsibility in all of it. There have always been and always will be choices. The journey is a road full of twist and turns with side roads and road blocks. I have made wrong turns but somehow, found my way back. I am so very grateful to Audry, Kathie, Mia, Mark, Lilli, Bo, Scott, Ali, Diana, Jennifer, Nina, Alisha, and everyone (too many to name) who have guided, supported, and touched my life. I have learned that it is okay to open up and allow others in. Sometimes, you have to be careful about who you let in, but there are good people in the world.

Hopefully, one person will read this and it will give them the courage to seek help in whatever form they need. Don't let my mistakes be without a reason. Please, take care of yourself. If you do, somehow, other things will take care of themselves as well.

Nina: Her Definition of Recovery - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-02-11T22:26:00.000-05:00

Nina: Her Definition of Recovery - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

Good Morning, America!!!!

2011-02-09T06:43:00.000-05:00

Life is the best gift I have ever received. At the end of the month, I will be celebrating 20 years of marriage to my soulmate, Mark. I truly have been blessed. I have been writing my newspaper column and enjoying it. Writing is my passion, you know. Working on my next book. I am still in therapy. Thankful for my sponsor, my friends, my family, and my abstinence. Through meditation, I am becoming spiritually uplifted. I will be seeing my cardiologist on Monday to make sure my heart is still okay. As for work, I look forward to it. Pretty much I love every aspect of my life. Happiness has nothing to do with being perfect. It is about taking it all in and deciding how to make it work for you.

Discovering Anorexia - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

2011-02-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

Discovering Anorexia - Indianapolis Eating Disorder | Examiner.com

February is National Eating Disorder Month - Indianapolis Eating Disorder

2011-02-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

February is National Eating Disorder Month - Indianapolis Eating Disorder

National Eating Disorder Month

2011-02-02T08:29:00.000-05:00

February is the month dedicated to increasing public awareness of eating disorders. Therefore, I am doing my best to increase awarenewess and knowledge. One way that I am doing this is by creating an "event" on facebook called "National Eating Disorder Month Invitational." It is my hope to bring together people's stories of recovery, hope and strength. I want to inspire others to attain abstinence. Eating disorders are a matter of life or death. We definitely need to work together as a society to protect future generations through education and prevention. This is an area that I am extremely passionate about. After nearly 30 years of my own battles, I cannot begin to describe the peace I have found in being abstinent. I am grateful to all of those who have and continue to provide support, love, and understanding. Together, we can conquer our demons.

Oh! What a feeling!!

2011-01-31T10:39:00.000-05:00

"Feel like making love" is an awesome song! In mania, There is no such thing as too much sex!! I just find myself climbing higher on the mania ladder. I feel like I can do anything. I am the bomb!! Just gotta say dieting is a lot like sex, the more you abstain, the more even the worst stuff starts to look good. I have lost almost 100 pounds. Of course, the first 80 was due to anorexia. Don't recommend that. What I wonder is when will it be enough? There are times I still feel so fat. At this rate, I will never get out of therapy. However, I am abstinent. Hope you have a great day!!!!!!

It's a wonderful life

2011-01-29T06:52:00.002-05:00

60 days of abstinence!! What an awesome feeling. I am definitely on the road to recovery. New position at work. Monday through Friday 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Very demanding, but I love it. Funny thing about workig in a prison...sometimes you can't tell the criminals from the staff. Mania slowing down. Getting some sleep.

Indiana Senator Wants Mandatory School Weigh Ins

2011-01-26T07:03:00.001-05:00

Senator Gard is rallying to make weigh ins in school mandatory in an attempt to curb obesity in our children. I can't even begin to explain my outrage. As you are well aware, I have been battling eating disorders of all varieties for about 38 years. Currently, there are approximately 8 million confirmed cases of bulimia and anorexia. There have even been cases of anorexia being diagnosed in children as young as 7 years of age. Obesity is another condition caused by eating disorders. We should NOT be focusing on the number on the scale. Instead, we should be teaching our children about the adverse effects of eating disorders, positive effects of proper nutrition and exercise, and how to have love and respect for themselves. There are many psychosocial issues underlying eating disorders. To begin with, food is one of the basic human needs. When we are babies, we are usually held when we "eat" from our bottle. In this way, we receive love and validation. Unfortunately, some of us begin to associate that love and validation with food. That is in the most simpest terms why compulsive overeaters eat. Those of us with eating disorders are searching for something that somehow, our minds believe food will give us. Restricting food, such as anorexia, is an attempt to control something. It all goes back to emotions. Perhaps, we, as a society, should be teaching our children that it is okay to feel things and express our feelings in an appropriate manner. "Boys don't cry," "Crying makes you weak," "Don't feel that way"...these phrases are frequently heard and just as harmful as anything else. Everyone needs balance. This includes physical (food and exercise), emotional, and spiritual (not to be confused with religion.) One thing that I have learned on my journey is that the scale is JUST A NUMBER. We are unique individuals. Our body shapes are not cloned. What number is specific for one may not be healthy for another. Even if the weigh ins are done in private, there will be ridicule. We are so concerned with bullying in our schools. For as long as I can remember, "being fat" has always been a target. Do we need to add fuel to that fire? Do we truly want to perpetuate the cycles of eating disorders? I don't. I want to educate the world. Food is an addiction. One that we are forced to consume 3 to 6 times a day. We cannot live without it. That would be like making an alcoholic take one drink a day, but allowing him no more. The tempation is beyond imagination. We need to provide others with the tools necessary to confront these addictions in a loving and supportive way. Yes, it needs to begin at home. I am asking that everyone join me in spreading the word. I plan to take every road I can find to ensure that my children are not weighed in school. I have educated them. I take them to their doctor's appointments. We talk. Thankfully, my children are healthy, "normal" children. No, they are not perfect. Who is? My husband often says that there was only one person who was perfect and he died on the cross---is that what you want to happen to you? We need not be perfect. We are human. Our imperfections make us who we are. We are beautiful, loving, wonderful, unique individuals that simply need to be nurtured.

Thank you for listening,
Angi

Mania?

2011-01-22T06:43:00.000-05:00

OK, here I go, again. Not sleeping enough. Mind busy. Hyper as hell. Picked up extra shifts at work. On top of the world. Invincible. Feel like I can do anything and everything. I like it. But I don't like what usually follows. Work is on lockdown. means more exercise...not good for someone with exercise bulimia. I like it too much. At least I am aware of it. Irritable with all of the idiots around me. finally, I just wanna say ."I feel the need...the need for speed."

On top of the world...

2011-01-20T06:46:00.000-05:00

I was setting on top of the world looking down on creation, and this is the only explanation I can find. Have you ever been there? So high? Then, it happens. Some incident pushes you off. Well, it is a helluva fall. So severe that I contemplated a binge/purge. I didn't give in. I simply announced my feelings and urge loudly. The food is no longer in control. It is dangerous. I deserve to be treated better and so do you. Be kind to yourself. Feel mania creeping in. Poor sleep last night. I will let you know...