Just to make her feel a little involved in our little party I called her over to my cubicle for a chat one afternoon (we shall call her Liu here!)

Me: Hey Liu…do you drink?

Liu: Drink water?

Me: No do you drink…like wine or alcohol at parties? Coz I was thinking of getting us some port and some other stuff too.

Liu: Oh do you want me to get wine?

Me: You bring wine if you like and I will get some port.

Liu: Okay! Red or White please?

Me: Whatever you like. Have you ever eaten Indian food before? Can you eat spicy food?

Liu: No, is Indian food very spicy?

Me: Not very. I shall put less of spices for you. Can you eat sour food?

Liu: What is sour please?

Me: You know like lemons.

Liu: I HAVE TO EAT LEMONS? (She was looking quite shocked)

Me: No not eat lemons. We call this food Raita. It’s made of curd or yogurt and vegetables or fruits. It will taste a little like lemons…sour. Can you eat that?

Liu: Where can I get that please? (Starting to look uncomfortable)

Me: Errrrr…you may get it in some Indian restaurants maybe? (I was totally confused and unsure as to where the conversation was leading)

Liu: You want me to get it and eat it? (Looking very distressed by now)

Me: NO… no…I am asking you…would you mind trying it?

Liu: Oh but I am not sure where I can get it. (By then she was probably wondering why I wanted her to go buy some weird food out of the blue and eat it and I realized I shouldn’t have called her for chit chat.)

Me: NO you don’t have to get it from anywhere… I will make it for dinner. You try it at my place.

Liu: Oh at dinner at your place? Sure no problem…I was thinking…

She walked back to her cubicle still looking at little confused but much relieved. She kept stealing a few glances at me. I was a little overwhelmed by how close I was to falling victim to mis-communication and misinterpretation. I breathed a little easier knowing that I had not convinced a poor girl to eat lemons or go Raita hunting on a hot afternoon… funny though it sounds now.

Remembering makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes I find myself in tears sitting at my workstation, or can’t seem to stop crying in the supermarket, or laughing out loud in the cab and in the process getting the cabbie pretty worried if I might bite next. So far I haven’t been discovered but the thought of being discovered is pretty embarrassing in itself.

Like watching the 20-something couple made me travel back into my lovey-dovey days. And the flood of memories was such that I could actually write a book on it. But I won’t put all you good people through so much torture yet (may be some other time).

Another time I was looking at the album of a perfect stranger. They are two sisters who are married and far away from their parents. It all suddenly brought back memories of ‘home’. Not the one now. Not where my parents stay. But the time when we were still in school and college and fought and laughed together. Mum threatened to throw us out every second day and we all wished we would be living elsewhere… a different life, a different experience. Anything but same old home. Now all I want is to travel back just once more into that same ‘home’. Mum yelling to finish dinner, us whiling away time in front of the TV and bickering over which channel to watch, giggling over petty things, the carefree – careless life. Just once I want to travel back there to say thank you for everything that was there. And all this made me write a huge tearful scrap to the perfect stranger. Luckily the stranger didn’t worry about my sanity or even if she did she didn’t let me guess from her reply.

A journey back to those school days which we all were in such a hurry to grow out of. A journey back to the college life which we wanted to get over with so that we could get a job and move on. A journey back to so many places we can never be at but wish for once we got a second chance to return to.

Second chance – reminds me of all the things that I would do differently. Sometimes I start going back in time to undo and redo incidents. One leads to another which leads to a third and in no time I am back somewhere in my early teens trying to think of how life could be different only if I got a second chance at it now.

Then I think, may be if I did things different I wouldn’t be here.

My alter-ego replies  ” …that’s the whole point, how not be here.”

I say “…but I am happy. I know I don’t have it all, it’s far from ideal, far far from even a bit of what I had thought, but these were the people I wanted to be with… it’s a small price to pay.”

She says “…no it isn’t. If things could have been done differently there would be a lot more and may be these people too.”

Me the eternal optimist says “… ah! May be is just not good enough. At least there’s certainty today.”

I win.

Where was I? And how did I get here? There I go again. My ramblings. Earlier I couldn’t stop day dreaming and now I cant stop rambling. Lucky both are my secrets. And I can’t say I don’t treasure them. Well, this is how get move from one thing to another. Sometimes I wonder if it’s age… but it’s too soon to blame it on that. I have been thinking a while and finally got to write it down. I know it’ll not make much sense to anyone. That’s just me.

In between all the wallowing in self pity and real hard work all day I do get time off here and there. Like right now. Some of the management has gone on a trip I arranged to get some of my work made easier and the rest of the management simply vanished because they didn’t go on the tour. A lucky few at work today can take it slow.

My boss didn’t show up at work and my new boss walked in and out of the office before we could blink. One of my team members is conveniently absent and the other one is happily chatting away since morning. I decided to stay off her back for the day. I had the earphone plugged to my ear since morning listening to MP3s and replying to emails of all those people I have kept waiting forever. I checked out new information about collaborations, checked the rates for advertisements and exhibitions and checked my face book a couple of times.

That’s when it struck me that I should do something productive with my free time apart from listening to a mix of old English and Hindi numbers. The first thing that popped up in my mind was Time Management  – or should I try the Art of Living stuff. The first attempt at Art of Living took a tangential path over my head so I stuck to learning a bit about managing my time for now.

Well they say I may have a personal situation and that’s why I seem to have obstacles in my life like procrastinating (Me??), have difficulty saying no (Never! I mean not really… oh may be sometimes), delegating (Well I am not too bad at that and I am learning everyday… grudgingly) and making time management decisions (Duh! Isn’t that why I am reading the article??).

They say ‘get organized now’ and then they ask me to pay $1.99 to know how. I am sure they have that information in millions for free on the internet. They want me to identify the reasons for procrastinating for another $1.99. And I always thought it’s my husband who procrastinates and I just agree with him.

From what I have seen so far managing my time will require some wallet management too. Well may be if I have some free time tomorrow I shall look at time management again and I am not procrastinating. Well not really. I just have to get back to my MP3 and clock watching.

When I saw Aadi, our little baby boy, he was a cute gurgling bundle. He didn’t do much all day. He fed, pooped, peed, gurgled, blinked, fed some more, pooped again and peed endless number of times. We would sit and watch him and wonder “Doesn’t he get bored doing nothing?” We learned to bathe him, feed him, get him to burp and put him to rest on his back. All he did in return was blink.

Slowly, our blinking bundle started exercising his limbs. Very soon he was waving his tiny paws and cycling with his legs. He even started to converse in his baby language that we kept trying to decipher. Peeing and pooping continued the same amount. But he never cried. Not unless he was wet and we delayed or he was hungry and we took our time to fix his feed. We learned early never to keep him waiting when hungry. There he had inherited from both his grandmoms and Mommy. Tempers flared if the feed was late.

He started to hold up his neck and survey his surroundings. He started following Mommy when I was in the room and moving about or talking to him. He smiled his cute toothless baby smile from time to time. He slept on daddy’s tummy and tried to grab Goofy’s paws (our puppy who inspected him in regular intervals). He would wake up early in the morning and just after his feed would start his Gym sessions. It was a treat to just watch him punching and kicking the air, getting rid of all the demons.  He would continue his conversations with the angels and sometimes include Mommy and Daddy in the chats too. All the while he kept trying to pull himself up or turn over.

One day he did manage to turn over but then got stuck. He had yet to learn turning back to his original position. He learnt a lot of protest phrases which sounded like war cries to our unpracticed ears. One such cry sounded like ‘Tuckoooo’  and we decided it was from the hours of Gothic sessions we used to have during my pregnancy. He sounded like the scavenger bird from the game we played for hours on end as we were out of options with my growing tummy.

As soon as he mastered the art of turning around he started his attempts to sit up and crawl. We were at a loss then as we were running out of pillows to keep him from toppling off the bed and couch. Crawling was closely followed by sitting up. Though he had quite a bit of struggle to do both. But the little mite was tenacious and obstinate. He learned the arts and mastered them well without much help. Even though he had to hunch on all four and will himself to move from the swaying motion, he started to crawl pretty fast in no time.

In the mean time he had won Daddy darlings heart all over again what with saying “Babba” as his first word. They were closely followed by “Pappa”, “Dadda” (this was only for Goofy), and finally “Mamma”. Mommy was a wee bit jealous, but too happy about the important words Aadi spoke to bother much. All the while he gained more knowledge and experience in how to be from naughty to naughtier. He gave special importance to this training. His advisors here were “Babba” and “Dadda”.

By the time we were getting ready for our annual trip back home, Aadi could pull himself up and stand while holding o to things. He enjoyed his trip immensely but disappointed the ladies there. He took to both his grand dads like he knew them for ever but when it came to the grannies he refused to indulge. We thought he may be scared with so many people or overwhelmed or may be hiking up his price. Or may be he was just unsure what kind of a garb a saree is and why the women insisted on wearing it (Unlike Mommy).

He had a lot of firsts in this trip. First flight, first train travel, first time meeting Grand Dad (Mommy’s Daddy), first ime visit to both his actual homes, first taste of rice (which they didn’t give much), first taste of fish, first swing ride. There were also innumerable new aunts, uncles, grannies, grandys’, and of course Ginnie Mashi (our dog in Kolkata, India).

Obviously Aadi being the charmer that he is, didn’t keep his grannys sad. He accepted them, saree and all, towards the end of the trip, which made them sadder to let him go. He had an immensely enjoyable time back home.

Back home he settled back in no time and started working on his assignments to get from naughtier to naughtiest. He has learnt to raid Goofy’s food, ask to be fed our food, and make his nanny run around the house to get one spoonful into his mouth. Over the months I have sang ‘Aati kya Khandala’ may be a million times. Now I am so tired of the song that I refuse to sing it but use a recording. But baby sometimes insists I sing along while he eats and I have to indulge. His second favourite ‘Hattima tim tim’ without which he cant seem to fall asleep. No other poem or song will do for him but just that one. I have sang it enough number of times to have my nannies humming along now.He has also learnt to shake his tiny booty if he hears the title song of ‘Friends’ or ‘CSI’. Foot tapping numbers get him excited enough to stand and rhythmically move his little behind to the music. We are hoping he ll be a dancer or musician along with all else. His aunt already believes he ll be a great dancer, while his grand parents have decided some of his future professions too.

Just a week back he has started his wobbly walks. His first few steps were from the couch to the TV stand to get hold of the remote. But, now he indulges Mommy and Daddy if his mood permits and he isn’t too busy. If others call he prefers to crawl instead of wasting his energy. His wobble is getting stronger by the day and I plan to tape it before he breaks out into a normal walk. In the mean time he continues to break vessels, steal food, and use the telephone wire as reins to his invinsible horse.His two rabbit teeth and one other tiny little speck on the lower jaw are growing well too giving him a new weapon… bites.

He never ceases to amaze me. If I could, I would leave all my work and be with him so as not to miss a single second of his activities. Early morning waking up ritual are the best time of my day. Aadi drinks his milk and sits on Mommy’s head to look outside the window, or fishes out Mommy’s mobile to make secret long distance calls, or pokes daddy to wake up, or just sits with Goofy and talks to him while Goofy listens, fascinated, till Aadi decided to tug at his tail and ears.

Life will never be the same for us who know what we have been missing. Now that we have it, its never enough. I wonder why I ever had all those doubts and worries. But, then I had not met the love of our life – Sourjyas and Mine. He is the feeling that we ever felt for each other and was always present as the love in our hearts. Now that he is with us he makes us even stronger, no more as a couple, but, as a family.

God bless ou my little angel and may you find happiness in all that you do, all through your life. Love you forever.

My baby has grown up so fast. It seems like just yesterday when I would sit gazing at the lazy afternoon traffic and wonder what it feels like to be a Mommy. Would I feel any different? What if my baby doesn’t like me? How will I know how to look after my baby? Will it hurt during delivery?…..

There was a lot to look forward to then. Baby, Degree, New home, Job, Visiting India…

It was difficult after a while to move around and lie down. Every position was uncomfortable. Every thought was either confusing or scary. Moods were at their swinging best. Fights had become a regular affair.

And then one day Aadi arrived. Just when we all planned a whole day of shopping and the movies and eating out to make me feel better Aadi decided to come out and be an active participant. He took us by surprise. We all went through a lot of sweating and crying for a couple of days thanks to my baby’s idea of surprise. No, we didn’t make it to shopping and day out program obviously ’cause everyone was at the hospital for the next 7 days.

Aadi felt like velvet when I kissed him for the first time in the OT and again 3 days later when they finally allowed me to hold him. My baby was so tiny and looked like no one I knew. I know his grannies kept claiming that he looked like me but I wondered how they knew, or were they just guessing and hoping it would come true?

I returned home alone, Aadi was still in hospital. For the next few days I visited him everyday at the hospital. On every visit I learned to feed, bathe and care for him. But once home, it was all a dream. Nothing had changed. It was still just us.

And then Aadi decided to come home. The matron handed me the tiny bundle after all the accumulated luggage was loaded in the car. I realized how real it all was.

I learned each movement, each action, each expression so much so that now I can say what he is about to do as soon as he starts looking around. Its been over 10 months now and soon my baby will be an year old. He is already attempting to walk very soon we ll be running after him keeping things out of his reach. Very soon he will be 10 years old and then 20. Yet everytime I see him all I can see is the little towel wrapped bundle blinking up at me for the first time.

My husband and I make a pretty crazy couple. We do the weirdest things to get a kick. Oh don’t get me wrong please. We are not that adventurous to try swinging and stuff. It’s much mellow compared to that.

With a baby and a dog to take care of we have pretty much given up our social lives. Even to catch a movie we have to think a million times and come up with a fool proof plan. I say we are weird because once upon a time we used to be party freaks and yet we seem to have grown out of it all. Won’t say we don’t get the withdrawal symptoms from time to time, but we manage because we are innovative. And we enjoy ourselves too. Or some may call it ’sad’. Yeah we sometimes get those sympathetic looks which say ‘this is why people shouldn’t have babies’.

I did crib about it for a while too, but my husband didn’t. He took it really well. That is what made me get creative again. Can’t say I regret any more.

We are both movie junkies. So our movie marathons have become quite a pastime. We keep watching movies in loads till we pass out. Well its not really just movies but documentaries and ‘Friends’ and ‘CSI’ thrown in a good measure. But movie marathons alone were getting kind of monotonous. So a few weekends back we planned our very own cocktail party. Mixing cocktails at home either by the book or from the top of the head is fun. Needless to say it was a grand gala and we were wasted by the end of it all.

There are those times when we make a whole day outing with baby and all. We usually start off with a couple of errands to run and then we run wild. Our little one is quite an adventurer. He loves to go loafing with us and minds not at all to take a nap in his pram when tired.

The best so far was our latest venture though. I know lots of people turn up their noses at the mention of Sushi. Very few people seem to enjoy it. A common misconception is about it being raw fish but that is Sashimi. Either ways we went for our star attraction ‘Wasabi’. You mix the wasabi with soy sauce and use it as a dip. If you want the real experience do not be miserly. Dip in and let it soak for a second. The kick you get when it touches your taste buds is mind blowing. I feel like a gush of wind swept me off and landed me back with a thud. Till you get that experience you have never really tasted wasabi. A lot like bungee jumping for the first time and getting pushed to a free fall from behind till you feel the tug of the rope to know u are secure but that was one hell of a flight.

A couple of kicks like that along with a few fried dumplings (Gyoza) and Enoki mushroom wrapped in fried bacon (Yum), I was ready for a bowl of the gooiest stickiest chocolate ice-cream. Sheer bliss. A treat of a lifetime. I was ready to go home.

I can’t remember when I turned into such a foodie (Thanks to my dear husband), but for experiences like this I shall never complain. Well on the other hand, no wonder I never tend to lose the extra weight I am carrying even with all that exercise.

The drive back home takes me around a short trip around a part of the city. The day just at its brink to dip into inky darkness. Sometimes I see the orange sun bidding farewell to the fresh moon, half the sky already in darkness and the other half holding on to the day that was. People hurrying home, shopping for food at the roadside stalls, trying to hail a cab, catch a bus and amidst them all a couple of youngsters so totally lost in themselves, oblivious to all the emotions and bustle around them.

The young couple in love transported me back to a time long ago when I would have identified with them. So much in love that all else seemed unimportant. I was full of ideals and dreams. My world was chalked in front of me. I had refused to believe the future could be anything apart from what I wanted. I thought that’s the most anyone can love.

Alas things went awry! Life changed. But not for too long. I was born to fight and survive. Resurfacing I again had the same dreams. They seemed very distant and almost impossible. Life went on but the dreams refused to fade away.

They say when you want something badly, the whole universe conspires to let you have it. It must be true ’cause beating all odds I am living the dream that I always dreamed. Thinking back the love back then seems so childish. Love has a new meaning now. It means waking up at 4 in morning everyday to feed my baby, feeding the dog at 7 in the morning even if its Saturday, cooking some difficult Bengali dishes even though all I really want to do is flop on the couch and watch tv. And cribbing and complaining and sometimes crying, knowing all the time I would do nothing different if given another option.

Today was a dream back then, but was there enough love back then to cope with today? I wonder. May be not. May be everything in life was necessary to let me know what a gift I have today. Oh the cribbing and crying is just part and parcel of it. Spices up things from time to time.

I wake up in the wee hours with my son and my dog who insist I should humour them, I crib. I bustle around taking care of all the morning rituals and start the day, I crib. By afternoon I am too tired and want to rest but can’t cause I have papers to write (and study), so I crib some more. By night, I am dog tired having tucked in the demanding brats for the day, Phew!. But my dearest husband wants to sit around for a while, again I crib.

I reminisce about those days when I woke up when I wanted to and slept when I dropped off. When I packed a few things and took off for the weekend, not a care in the world. I dream of all the lovely places that I want to be and all those fun things that I could do. I make and remake plans. And again I crib.

Somewhere deep inside I know I have what I always wanted. Its only a matter of time before things settle down and I can take my dream vacation or spend the day I want to. But what the heck! Whats wrong with cribbing a little if that gets you a pat in the head and a little cooing sympathy.

Among all that I want to do if I get some time on had, here are a few I jotted down to share:

1. First and foremost I would like to sleep for a week. Ah OK. I’ll be realistic. I would like to wake up at 6 and dive back inside the cover content that someone is there to take care of the baby and the dog. Someone will feed them and humour them. I want to be woken up with a hot morning cuppa and breakfast in bed. I want to go back to sleep for a couple of hours after a sumptuous lunch. Heaven!
2. I would love a nice massage complete with pedicure, manicure and all the extra stuffing that come with it. I just want to lie back, close my eyes, smell the aromatic oil and incense, listen to the soft instrumental, and feel all my tension and stress ebbing. Long enough so that by the end of it I feel like a new person ready to take on another couple of years of stress and hard work. Not the way it usually is with the baby wailing and maid screaming and me running helter skelter all over the house with soapy feet and mud pack on my face.
3. I have been meaning to re-watch all those old movies and episodes of friends. Its been so long since I have had a good laugh. But I haven’t progressed much from ‘meaning to’. I would love to sit down with a pile of dvds’ and watch them one after the other all day till I can watch no more. There obviously has to be an array of mouthwatering snacks and endless supply of pepsi/beer, so I wouldn’t have to go around worrying about lunch and dinner.
4. On the contrary, I would also like some peace of mind so I can read a little. There are lots of books waiting to be read. I just don’t get them home because I know I don’t have the time to read. I would love to lie down with a book like old times and read through the day and night till the last page and then sleep. Once awake I ll pick up another book to go on the same way. I so miss those days when when mum cooked all the food and made sure I was not going hungry and dehydrated.
5. Sometimes I want to go shopping and keep buying mindlessly. The last time I did this was when I was living by myself and had the whole salary to blow away, knowing I had nothing constructive to do with it. Someday I would love to do it again. Walking through the malls or the street bazaars, buying everything that holds my fancy. I don’t want the inner me asking me ‘do you really want it?’ Or ‘not another pair of shoes?’. Come on!
6. One of these days when I really have time on my hands I want to lie down on the couch with my feet up the backrest, and call my friends to have one of those long forgotten gossip sessions. Ones that make u feel like you know about half the world now and makes you smile while you go about the rest of the day. But most of the people I enjoy this session with are not available over the phone, and its not my idea of fun to sit on that hard chair and type away on the keyboard, to get hold of them all. And then spend the whole time shifting around to give some comfort to my back side.
7. Someday I would like to have enough time in my hand to go through the numerous items tucked away around the house that we last used at the age of Adam. We wear less than half the clothes that we possess. But when it comes to chucking, we lovingly put them all back in with a ‘I can still wear that one when I lose weight.’ Well, you said that last year and you have grown bigger not lost weight. And what about all those bottles and jars tucked away in the refrigerator. I look at them and wonder what they were, I put them back again when I fail to give myself an answer. I want to get rid of all of them.
8. Its been so long since I got totally drenched in the rain, just for fun. I would love to do that soon. And, not just get wet, but go swimming in the rain. I used to love to as a kid. These days rain has become a reason to skip swimming. Have to get wet anyway, then why blame the rain?
9. A lovely cloudy-breezy day. The kind that makes u want to fly. I want to hop into a car and go driving. A long drive, away from all the humdrum. Stop on the way at a road side cafe to catch a bite, sitting out in the open. And then drive along to a beach to laze around the rest of the day. Run back to the car when its just about to start pouring. And drive back home in the lashing rain amidst thunder and lightning.
10. And to top the list, when was the last romantic dinner for two? Ummm…Uhhh…lets see… don’t think it was this life. Well dear partner, how about the most romantic setting on top of the tallest building or next to the quiet evening sea? Complete with good food, our favourite wine and dessert? Sounds nice. Close your eyes and you can almost feel the excitement. May be in the near future if I am lucky enough. Or nothing wrong to dream on.

We were expecting our bundle of joy to show up around the end of March or April (2008). Likewise, we were all prepared – till the last ultra-sound test told us that things may be otherwise. My doctor prepared us for emergencies that he predicted had a high possibility of occurring. Parents and in-laws returned after warning me to take things easy. I more or less stopped going to the University. My whole day was spent resting, cooking, watching runs and re-runs of the popular TV series ‘Friends’, and playing with my puppy. I knew I had a boisterous baby on the way with the amount of soccer he played inside me.

After a pretty relaxing day on a certain weekend, we decided to go for a short walk before retiring for the day. The walk was a trifle bit uncomfortable, with the kicking more pronounced than ever before. It was 1 o’clock when I started to feel something irregular. I wasn’t absolutely sure, so I waited to confirm. When I was fairly certain I woke my husband up. We rushed to the hospital.

A call before-hand to alert the hospital had them waiting at the gate with a wheelchair. I was immediately deposited at the emergency room, which was not a pleasant experience. There was one guy with a broken leg and another woman screaming something between gasps. It was pretty unnerving when I myself had no clue what was happening to me. All through the pregnancy I had been quite scared about the final act. I had hoped it would be like the way they show in the movies where half the time the woman has no clue what happened to her till they bring a wailing bonny baby to her bed side and all is hunky-dory.

To top it all my husband had disappeared. There were no signs of the doctor. There were a bevy of people who popped in and out to ask me what seemed to be my problem. Luckily they all knew why I was occupying one of the beds. Soon, I was wheeled to a private room with an extra bed and a sofa where my husband was comfortably lounging. I was informed the doctor had given instructions and would arrive in an hour or so depending on the situation. I had no idea that today was D-day, the very day we had all been waiting for – me scared and my husband expectant, like all daddy’s, whose only job at that time is to be happy.

I wondered if they would let me go home once they had done their tests and I kept badgering my husband to ask. My husband didn’t so much as open his mouth. All he wanted to do was dive into the extra bed and go back to sleep. They asked me loads of questions, did a physical test, and then attached a monitor to my tummy to keep a tab on the little one’s heartbeat. It was all normal. They started the saline and asked me to get some sleep. My husband was already snoring.

All efforts to shut my eyes were in vain for they popped open right back only to have them glued to the monitor. 92 – 102 – 86 – 92… it was more or less the same pattern for a while. I felt myself nodding off when my eyes fell one last time on the monitor… 24 – 36 – 20 – 0 – 0 -10 …. I yelled to my husband to call the doctor. They all came running. Checked. Re-checked. Some of them ran out while others came back running. While all this was happening (for 15 minutes or so) they refused to tell me if my baby was alright. When I was ready to scream my doctor walked in. He checked all the reports and informed my husband we were in for an emergency operation as the baby was going into foetal distress. These were all medical mambo-jumbo for me, but enough to hit the panic button.

I am not exactly a religious person. But crisis makes you turn to God. So  did I. I apologized for all the time I failed to pray to him and promised I would do so henceforth, just be with me this time. Please make sure nothing goes wrong with the little one. Please don’t let him suffer.

All this while the people dressed in white were bustling about doing their job. My husband was busy on the phone. I had been injected with a sedative which made me extremely drowsy – but I was scared to fall asleep. I was wheeled into the OT which looked pretty forbidding. No one in their right mind would want to walk in there just for fun. Someone came and said I would have to take the diamond nose pin off.  While at other times I I’m very particular about my possessions, for once I didn’t care.

The anaesthetist introduced himself and informed that even though this was going to be a cesarean birth I couldn’t have normal anesthesia as it would affect my baby. He informed further that it would be a local anesthesia through the spine. I didn’t have much faith on locals after experiences with my dentist, but I was in no position to bargain. They tied up my arms and feet against the bed and turned me around to administer the dosage for anesthesia. I felt a sharp pain and something burning down my limbs. Everything became numb as soon as the burning reached my toes. I started shivering and complained about the air-con only to be informed this was an effect of the drug administered. I lay there shivering against the steel, feeling the scalpel cut through my flesh with only a single thought  occupying my mind – “Please God let everything be alright”. The anesthetist kept his word and kept warning me in advance about the next step along with a “will hurt” and “won’t hurt”. I have never felt greater pain in my life than when the doctors were pushing the baby out. I just knew I had to get it over with. I know I screamed my lungs off as no amount of teeth clenching helped, and prayed for strength to see me through this. Suddenly, my reverie broke with feeble wails. I forgot the pain and started crying. Relief, gratitude, happiness all washing over me at the same time. The doctor smiled and held up a baby covered in blood and mucus and said “Its a boy.” I cried some more.

The anesthetist informed I could opt for a sedative now and sleep through the rest of the ordeal or see my baby when they clean him and bring him over. I thought, I have been through the worst in full consciousness, then why sleep through the better part. I opted for the latter. They sewed me up and the doctor informed me how there was not a single drop of fluid left in the amniotic sac and it was damned lucky that I  had decided to run down to the hospital. My newborn son supposedly swallowed some of that water and they were pumping it out of him. This was to cause a lot of heartache and tension later, but that’s all history now. They brought me my baby. Even though I felt half dead and was retching, I still managed to give the sleeping angel a tiny kiss. His skin felt like velvet. They carried him away and wheeled me to the ICU for a couple of hours of observation.

I thought the excitement was over and could now sleep for a while. I had no clue what was in store for the rest of the day. My husband popped in to say how much the baby looked like me and what our dear ones around the world had to say. I slept only after midnight after being awake for 24hrs. The next few days was a flurry of activities and a lot of tension what with my baby being born premature and that too having gulped down mouthfuls of the amniotic fluid.

When I think back to that night, I don’t remember the fear, pain or uncertainty. All I remember is the happiness I felt on seeing my son for the first time. It was an experience worth all the pain I endured.

A survey found that…

35% of respondents break their New Year’s resolutions by the end of January and only 23% of those surveyed don’t ever break them. Nearly 40% of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33% say they are not committed to the resolutions they set.

Phew! Facts and figures never impressed resolution makers. I am no different. I make my share of resolutions, and I don’t even wait for the 31st of December. I break them too, double fast.

I was going over the resolutions I have heard being made and broken within a few days. Me being no exception. Here are a few.

1. Quit Smoking: This is the king of all resolutions that are broken within a max of 3 days. I have seen my father, father-in-law, husband, friends everyone go through the same routine. The resolution comes with a date from which it’s going to be history. The last smoking day is also celebrated with great ceremony. Then comes the hard part. Smoking pangs, restlessness and the hand itching towards just-one-smoke-today. Wham! All’s back to square one. I keep trying.
2. Exercise: Another one. Me being a culprit too this time. My husband has been getting thicker around the midriff and I need to work off the pregnancy fat. We start walking and continue for 3 days. Then comes the rest period and we never hit the road again. Next we started our regular swims. This time it was for almost a fortnight and then the rain gods interfered. My husband got the perfect excuse. He didn’t want us getting hit by the lightning and I too decided to finish all the pending work instead of taking a risk – so, hey! how about tomorrow? Unfortunately, the tomorrow never came. Friends proudly inform us how they have been walking and running and swimming. By the time we meet again it’s all a thing of the past. Let’s see when we start again. Sigh!
3. Eat healthy: I try, but in vain. I try to include the maximum number of fruits and veggies in the diet. A couple of days without meat and I have a complaining husband on hand who supposedly feels meat deprived and gets a craving. Ho! We are back on meaty diets. The salads and yogurt and sprouts become more of an occasional diet than a regular one. I hear the same everywhere I go. Its only my mother-in-law who has kept it somewhat simple at home, though she gives up each time her husband and son step in. I still keep trying.
4. Save money: This must be an art or some people just earn so much that they get tired spending and end up stacking. However much we try we find someway of spending all and more by the 20th of the month. I have heard the same story being repeated with most people. I had a feeling its just us or that people lie to us to make us feel good. Someday we shall have to start thinking of the rainy days.
5. Stick to the budget: Well, I try. But supermarkets and shopping malls get the horned-tailed me in a frenzy. If I think of spending a 1000 bucks I have to go armed with a min of 3k to pay the bill and walk out without being caught for shoplifting. I still have to learn how people manage to stick to there little note of things they need and not buy more, cause I invariably remember a dozen things forgot to include. In this aspect me and my husband give each other competition. And I am glad to say we have equally like minded friends and family.
6. Get organized: I read somewhere that we should keep getting rid of all the excess stuff in the house to avid clutter, cause this clutter tends to get into our minds and create more confusion. Hence, more than once I have sat down to throw away all that I don’t require and alas! I never find anything that I think is worth throwing away. Some day I have to make my priorities and get along with this job. What are my priorities again??
7. Be cool: I have a weird habit. I tend to lose my temper about small things and yet stay calm when the rest of the world panics. I still have no clue why I behave the way I do but so far all my resolutions in this field have died a horrible death. I have seen this in a couple of my friends and my mum too. We regret immediately for what we said or did, but by then its too late. I envy all those people who manage to control their wrath so well.
8. Be nice to people: I am. Whoever I deal with everyday end up saying I am nice but I don’t feel I live up to the compliment. Refer back to point 7 for this. My temper makes me say and do things that I have long tried to control, in vain. I go back and apologize and feel terrible about it. I have noticed this in others too. I have to say I am much better than all those people who do not feel any remorse after saying the meanest things. It doesn’t cost much. May be some day I shall overcome this flaw with practice.
9. Make a difference: I always felt I wasn’t born to just live a normal life and die. I want to make my presence felt. Do something that requires doing. There are some many agendas that I can think of even without trying. I don’t know when I will start. When I hear of people doing little kindness, I start wondering when it will be me. Being bogged down by work and daily pressures is an excuse for the weak and I know that’s one thing I am not.
10. Be happy: Sounds like a cliche. But, its my motto in life. I fail miserably at times and then I bounce back. A war wrecked country, a plague infested town and the people still manage a smile. I am so much better off, knock wood. Why is it such a difficult task? I try my level best and spread the word too. Happy people make me happy.

I have learnt one thing from my failed resolutions. Strengthen your conviction by identifying the ‘why’ behind your resolution. This ‘why’ will give you the bigger picture, the values which give you meaning to life. To make your work easier make your goals realistic, write them down, share it with people, track your progress. Reward yourself when you keep your promise. If you slip up start again.