Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

“Not he is great who can alter matter, but he who can alter my state of mind.”

I’d have to agree with Emerson. Many of us think that we have control over our reactions, but the reality is we are walking around reacting much of the time. Our brain is taking in information through the various sources (eyes, ears, mouth, legs/arms, nose), translating the information, and making snap decisions of what is good or bad, right or wrong, necessary or unnecessary, urgent or non-urgent, important or unimportant.

We only learn about some of these decisions after we’ve acted on them.

Corporations know this, and they put subtle cues in the advertising that say “If you don’t have (fill in the blank), then you’ll be unhappy.”

Right after Thanksgiving, I walked into Target, and lo and behold all of the Christmas decorations were already up. Immediately I sensed an opening in me, a state of cheerfulness and a desire to shop.

There is a Pavlovian conditioning in most of us around this time that borders around spending, spending, spending.

Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, our economy can always use people spending money on it. We can also view it as a time to be generous and really give to others.

However, the real question is who is choosing your state of mind? Is it you or is it the media?

Take this as an opportunity to actively choose your state of mind, and enjoy a mindful holiday season.

Here are a few steps to make sure you are the one in control of your mind:

1. Set an intention – Take a moment to really consider how you want to be throughout the holidays. If you’re going to be with family and friends, how would you like to be with them (e.g., present, listening, playful)? The holidays may be a difficult or grieving time for you this year, if so, how can you be gentle with yourself?
2. Be present – In order to pay attention to this intention, it’s important to integrate some practice that brings you to the present moment. This might be a mindfulness practice such as coming to the breath, or maybe closing your eyes and listening to sounds, or maybe taking a moment to look at all the sights around you.
3. Make meaning – The holidays are meant to be a time of meaning. For Christmas, if it is meaningful, consider what the birth of Jesus means to you, or if that isn’t meaningful, you might consider the meaning of being in the rare experience of spending time with people you don’t see often. Or if you celebrate Kwanzaa, you might reflect upon the meaning of your African heritage and culture. No matter your spiritual background, this can be a time to just stop, reflect and make meaning from your life.
4. Don’t forget to play! – The holidays are also a time that can bring people together to have fun and play. Pick up the camera more, reconnect with old friends, read a pleasurable book, or take a 2-hour date with yourself or others and do something out of your routine that feeds you. If you find yourself in a bad mood, use these 3 steps to help break it.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Years ago when I was doing my post doctorate residency I saw a flyer for a depression group. It said “Fight Your Depression: Join Today.” In that moment, and even now, I thought that statement couldn’t be more wrong especially when the aim with overcoming depressive mood or thoughts is to come to peace, especially with oneself. Going to war with ourselves only increases our distress because as the saying goes, “what we resist, persists.”

Our conditioning can be so severe that even the thought of facing our uncomfortable feelings physically and/or emotionally leads to the automatic negative thought “I can’t do this.” Depending on your mood, that thought will seem more or less believable. In other words, a thought is not a fact but rather a product of your mood or feeling in that moment.

However, if we are able to slowly face our fears, and understand and accept this part of ourselves that feels insecure and in pain, we can begin to change our relationship to our feelings of hurt. The moment we notice we’re at war with our difficult emotions is the moment when we’re sitting in the space between stimulus and response. The choice, possibility, and freedom we experience in that space is what I call The Now Effect.

Instead of being at war with our pain, we can choose to take a radical shift and open up to it, be with it, and hold it in awareness without judging it. Practically speaking, this is a far more effective approach than feeding into our distress.

If you are experiencing an internal struggle at the moment, try making peace with yourself. Notice when your mind is littered with negative self-talk and inaccurate conclusions that “I’ll never get better; no-one can help me; I can’t help myself.” Notice any judgments and be aware that these thoughts are simply bad habits trying to maintain a status quo.

Ask yourself, “Did this thought just pop in my head automatically? If I was in a different mood would I be thinking differently?”

Acclaimed author and Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, tells us “Peace in Oneself, Peace in the World.” When I first heard this statement I thought about all the hate, antagonism, and violence on the earth and something about his statement almost seemed too simple to be true. But as I continued to sit with it and apply it to what I know about the process of psychotherapy it started to ring true.

One of the primary aims of psychotherapy is to support people in becoming at peace with themselves, so there can be an internal sense of security and freedom. It’s almost as if, more often than not, we’re at war with ourselves when stress and pain arise, and we react to these feelings as if they are enemies that need to be beaten. Instead, try to work on the practice of accepting and letting be, allowing your direct experience to be your teacher.

Most of us experience an influx of never-ending digital contact each day. We’ve become accustomed to a barrage of work and/or personal emails, texts, and notifications from our social media channel(s) of choice. To keep up with the steady stream and for FOMO (fear of missing out), our minds multitask to process it all, which ultimately makes us a lot more stressed and a lot less productive. I’m going to share a simple, yet very effective, approach to messaging that can change the course of your day.

During work, are you responding to email throughout the day? Maybe you’re on the go when you hear the notification on your smartphone and you fire off a response. Or maybe you’re busy working on a project, the notification beeps and you quickly change gears to answer. You may set aside time to answer a number of emails, but find yourself distracted by phone notifications or people intruding on that time. This way of relating to on-going interruptions taxes our brain and fragments our attention.

The following simple tips from my book, The Now Effect, will help you to sharpen your focus, be more effective, and feel less stressed.

Enjoy an E-mail Meditation

Set aside a specific window of time to address e-mails. Recognize that it’s natural for your mind to wander off and when it does, practicing seeing where your mind goes, spend a moment there, and then gently bring yourself back to the task at hand. This is called “See, Touch, Go.”

Be Present

When you’re not working on email, be present with the other important aspects of your work or personal life. If you’re working on a presentation, focus solely on creating that presentation. If thoughts come to your mind about other tasks, note them down quickly in your planner or task list. Try to batch process similar tasks so your attention is focused on related tasks in a sequential manner.

If you’re taking a break and talking to a friend at the proverbial water cooler, pay attention to that conversation. Don’t allow yourself to be enslaved by thoughts of what you need to work on next – enjoy the break away from your desk, then return to it refreshed and ready to refocus.

In your personal life, when you’re with your friends and family, put the phone on silent, and be with your friends and family. Don’t spend more time looking at your screen than your kids. Kids can be stressful, and it’s easy to default to a screen that seems less stressful and provides entertainment. But resist the temptation, and focus on what really matters in your life.

Reclaiming control over digital messaging is a direct path to feeling empowered and more free in your life.

Give these simple practices a try. Experiment for a week and see what you notice.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Most of us want to do things well. Some of us want to be perfect.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, at some point you need to make peace with your imperfections. If you don’t, you are destined to suffer.

I’m not intending to paint a bleak picture but the fact is we all have imperfections. Maybe we don’t have the perfect body, we don’t take tests well, or we struggle to keep houseplants alive. Whatever the flaw, the closer we come to accepting the reality of our shortcomings, the closer we move towards self-acceptance.

From an evolutionary perspective, we all just want to belong and feel secure. If we’re not accepted we’re at risk, so the mind goes into overdrive to help us be more perfect so we can “fit in” with our tribe and feel safe.

We may constantly be in search of the perfect outfit, gadget, home furnishing, or we may regularly go out of our way to say something smart to impress the right people. Or we might pick more destructive habits, abusing drugs, alcohol, or sex as a means to fit in. Underlying all of this is a subtle belief that we are not okay just as we are.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, PhD to address the two opposing notions: “I’m perfect just the way I am” and “it’s time for me to change.” DBT can help individuals to manage stress, regulate emotions, and improve their relationships, and the therapy is largely rooted in teaching self-acceptance.

How to Practice Self-Acceptance

Start by acknowledging things as they are and try to put aside your lenses of judgment. There are many opportunities to do this.

If you’re waiting in line, the moment you notice yourself feeling aggravated, stop and acknowledge the aggravation. Explore the feeling in your body and investigate the contours, spikes, and expansion of the emotion. By the time you’ve finished the exercise, you’re likely to feel less aggravated and perhaps more aware of, and empathetic toward, others around you.

If you find yourself feeling ashamed of some imperfection, acknowledge it and investigate the shame in the same way.

When you do this, you’re opening up to understand the feeling while caring about yourself at the same time. Understanding and caring are the pillars of acceptance. If you felt understood and cared about you’d feel accepted, right? That is what we’re practicing, and we can do it with a range of emotion, whether fear, anger, calm, love, joy, anxiety, or even confusion.

Every time you do this you water the seeds of self-acceptance and begin making peace with your imperfections.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Lately I’ve had a lot of aggravation in my heart.

There seems to be so much turbulence and violence, both verbal and physical, in the world. On top of that, because of the brain’s negativity bias, we’re automatically drawn to stories of fear, anger, and turmoil. The media knows this so they continuously update us with new stories about negative things.

The cycle is vicious, depressing, and contagious, leading to more reactivity, and more feelings of hopelessness and fear.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Our hearts don’t need more of the same. Instead they need to be touched and soothed, and any pain acknowledged. Instead of feeling hopeless we can instead work on consciously being more open to a vision of a brighter future.

Here is a wonderful family’s rendition of singer/songwriter Matisiyahu’s song One Day.

Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders and let in the love.

Warmly,

ElishaTake a deep breath, relax your shoulders and let in the love.

One Day Lyrics

Sometimes I lay

Under the moon

And thank God I’m breathing

Then I pray

Don’t take me soon

‘Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown

But I never let it get me down

so when negativity surrounds

I know someday that it will all turn around because

all my life I’ve been waiting for, I’ve been praying for, for the people to say

that we don’t want to fight no more, there’ll be no more war, and the children will play

One day, one day, one day

One day this all will change

Treat people the same

Stop with the violence

Down with the hate

One day we’ll all be free

And proud to be

Under the same sun

Singing songs of freedom like

One day!

P.S.  We go deeper into the theme of Trust during Month 3 of my 6-month online mentorship program, A Course in Mindful Living.

Tom was part of the first fear of flying program, which was started at Pan Am in 1975. He founded SOAR in 1982; and to offer the most effective help possible, he completed graduate school to become a therapist. He spent five additional years in training at psychological institutes, finally developing a therapy that has made it possible for everyone to fly.

Today Tom talks to us about what the fear of flying is all about, how mindfulness can help, and advice for getting through your fear.

Elisha: What are the most common symptoms you see when it comes to fear of flying?

Tom: It starts with anticipatory anxiety, mostly about giving up control, and whether the flight will be turbulent. During the flight itself, there is high anxiety or panic.

Elisha: What causes someone to have a fear of flying?

Tom: When a person’s ability to regulate anxiety when facing uncertainty does not develop properly in the first eighteen months of life, the person has to compensate. They, like Linus, have security blankets such as control, avoidance, physical escape or psychological escape through dissociation. They try to control anxiety by controlling everything in their life. When they can’t assure a perfect outcome through control, they control anxiety by having a way out. Flying allows neither control nor a physical way out. So they try a psychological way out: they isolate their awareness from the experience of flight by focused awareness, dissociation, or over-medication.

Elisha: Walk us through how you use mindfulness to work with some of those symptoms?

Tom: Their strategy for emotional control is really the polar opposite of mindfulness. The first challenge is to help them understand that mental isolation is not going to work. Turbulence, a routine part of flight, presents a problem. It, like takeoff, is dynamic, and intrudes into their isolation. Takeoff only lasts a few minutes and is over. But turbulence can go on and on. With isolation their only remaining means of emotional control, when turbulence penetrates their isolation, it causes them to experience high anxiety, panic, or terror.

It is through a form of mindfulness that is now being called “reflective function” that we are able to distinguish images produced by imagination in the mind’s eye from images produced in the eye by reality. When stress hormones increase, reflective function decreases. If stress becomes too high, reflective function fails. When it does, the person goes into a state of psychic equivalence: the contents of the mind and the contents of reality are experienced as one and the same. What the person fears is happening is experienced as really happening. They are afraid the plane will fall. When stress builds up during turbulence, they experience the plane as falling, perhaps thousands of feet. This means terror.

Medication makes the problem worse. It helps reduce day-to-day anxiety by reducing reflective function so the person is less aware of things inside that cause distress. But when medication reduces reflective function in flight, the result is psychic equivalence, and terror. When the medicated person gets off the plane, they may never realize the plunge they experienced was imagination. Instead, they believed they narrowly escaped death and they were only able to live through it because of the meds. So they continue taking meds when flying until they are so traumatized by psychic equivalence that they are no longer able to fly. There is research that shows medication increases in-flight panic.

Elisha: If you were sitting across the table from someone who had to get on a plane in one week and had a deep fear of flying, what advice would you give them?

Tom: Like mindfulness, the capacity for reflective function varies. Some people have little reflective function. In the long term, reflective function can be increased by therapy. But there is a problem with reflective function; it brings awareness of things inside ones self that one does not want to be aware of.

Part of therapy is coming to know and to accept more of what is inside. Until a person’s reflective function is robust, the amount a person needs to be protected collapse under the assault of stress hormones so they can recognize imagination and see it is not reality. Fortunately, I’ve found a way to train the amygdala to not release stress hormones when flying by linking each challenging moment of flight to a moment the amygdala regards as emotionally safe, such as what is expressed on the face of another person during a moment of empathic attunement. In such moments the amygdala lets its guard down, and stops producing the hormones that cause feelings of danger.

The amygdala is very interested in the human face. I would help them find a moment of profound connection with another person and remember the person’s face. When the moment is vividly recalled, it produces a bit of an anti-stress hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced when there is genuine attunement and empathy, such as nursing an infant, romantic foreplay, engagement, or wedding vows.

As they relive the moment, I would ask them to imagine a photograph of a plane about to land being held touching their cheek so their face and the flight scene are seen at the same time. I repeat this with each of the different flight scenes that could bring anxiety during the flight. They need to repeat the linking process until the links are established. This can be done on their own, with me on the phone, or with their therapist talking them through the steps.

Since giving up control is such an issue, meeting the person who has control makes a huge difference. I tell them to go to the boarding area early and ask the agent there to allow them on the plane at the beginning of the boarding process so, once on the plane, they can ask a flight attendant to ask the captain if they can come to the cockpit and meet the captain.

Since I can’t sit across the table with most of my clients, I use video. They first view video that explains how flying works, and then video that shows how to link a moment of empathic attunement to the challenging moments of flight. Then, I do a phone session with them to fine tune what they are doing to establish these links. And, if they get stressed at the airport, they call me on my cell phone. Therapists who have fear of flying clients can use the videos to learn how to use this method with their clients.

Thank you so much Tom for your wisdom.

To the readers: Please share your thoughts or experiences about this interview or fear of flying. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

More often than not, as soon as we open our eyes in the morning, “stories” immediately start running through our minds. Some of these stories may be relatively innocuous (prioritizing tasks for the day at work, mapping out that new route for a commute) while others might actually influence the way we see other people. We may start the day with preconceptions about our spouse or partner, our child, or a roommate based on a recent experience or interaction. And beyond the home, we may already have “stories” about our neighbors, grocery store clerks, work colleagues, the barista in our favorite coffee shop, and even complete strangers.

Looking at the surface, we may make a snap judgement that a person is beautiful, or not. We’re wired to do this, to base assumptions on appearance, but when we dismiss others in this way, we miss out on seeing the person that exists behind the body, beyond our preconceptions of who they are.

Sometimes it’s easier to operate on auto-pilot in our everyday relationships, but this tendency to automatically interpret the world can lead to disconnection, dis-ease, and unhappiness in life.

However, if we intentionally practice being more open and receptive to others, and repeatedly make an effort look beyond the surface, we can create real and lasting connection, which is an essential ingredient for enduring happiness.

I invite you to try this 4 step practice today with anyone you come in contact:

1. Put your lenses of judgment aside. Whether you believe it or not, you instantly judge someone as soon as you see them. It may be the color of their skin, their ethnicity, a memory you have of this person, or maybe the expression on their face at the moment you meet. See if you can set that aside for a moment and adopt fresh eyes.
2. Really see the person. Remind yourself that this is someone who has a history of adventures, who has experienced failure and/or trauma, someone who loves, fears, regrets, triumphs, someone who presumably has a family and friends. They have a beauty inside that they likely aren’t even aware of.
3. Ask yourself: “What does this person most deeply want?” The answer is likely within you, and it involves being treated kindly and feeling a sense of belonging.
4. Provide a gesture that feeds this need. Smile at the person. If appropriate, ask them if you can help them in some way. Listen to what they have to say. If it’s a family member or a friend, tell them you love them. There are so many ways to do this. Aim to continuously ask yourself if what you are doing is in service of connection or disconnection. It’s a simple question that can sometimes lead to important answers and actions.

The fact is, when we and others around us feel understood and cared about, a sense of acceptance and belonging arises. This breaks down barriers and makes our relationships deeper and stronger.

As Mother Teresa said, “The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging.” A moment of connection may have rippling effects across many people, in the same way that a pebble thrown into the water creates ripples of waves.

Give it a try!

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Why are bad habits so hard to break? What if the bumper sticker “Just Say No” is actually working against us? If willpower alone were the answer to breaking bad habits, we wouldn’t have drug addiction. There’s something going on in our brains when we lose self-control, but all hope is not lost.

Nora Volkow, head of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, asserts that the phrase “Just Say No!” is in fact “magical thinking.”

Dopamine is one of the main chemicals regulating the pleasure center of the brain. At the most basic level, it regulates motivation and sends signals to receptors in the brain saying, “This feels good!”

Whether you’re a heroin addict seeing someone you associate with using, a caffeine addict smelling coffee brewing, a smartphone addict hearing a phone ding, or hungry watching a mouth-watering food commercial, your brain rushes with dopamine.

One fascinating thing Volkow determined is that images alone can impact the rise of dopamine in our brains. So if we pass a McDonald’s and see the arches, our brain associates that with a tasty hamburger (for some) and shoots up dopamine. That good feeling from the dopamine unconsciously drives the motivation to stop in for a Big Mac. It’s a conditioned response. The same scenario can be applied for to any bad habit you may have.

What can we do?

It makes sense why many addiction centers are integrating mindfulness into their curriculum. Mindfulness practice has been shown to activate the prefrontal cortex and cool down the amygdala. This gives us the ability to widen the space between stimulus and response where choice lies, then to access possibilities and opportunities we didn’t know were there before. This is crucial when it comes to our addictive behaviors; the ability to take a step back, “think through the drink,” and recognize the various options that lie before us.

We can learn to step into this powerful pause, notice the sensation of the urge, and as the late Alan Marlatt, Ph.D. said, “surf the urge” as it peaks, crests, and falls back down like a wave in the ocean.

One place to start is to just get curious about the pull you feel to whatever you feel compulsive about. An easy one (besides some of the arguably more destructive habits like drugs or alcohol) is our phones.

Today, be on the lookout for what cues you to check your phone. Do you see someone else doing it? Are you waiting and feel uncomfortable about waiting? Is it a certain time of day or place?

Training your brain to recognize this cue can help you get some space from it to ask, “What do I really want to pay attention to right now? What matters?” As we get better at recognizing that space between stimulus and response and making the choices that run alongside our values, like riding a bike, it will start to come more naturally.

Just because our brains have been altered by our compulsive behaviors, doesn’t mean we’re destined to fall into the same habits. With the right skills, community, and support we can learn how to break out of a bad routine and into a life worth living.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Human beings have a tendency to take things for granted. We often fall foul of chasing the “shiny object” by putting our focus on what we’re lacking instead of feeling thankful for what we have right here, and right now. Sadly, this oversight often extends to this precious earth that sustains and supports us all.

While it’s wonderful that we designate a particular day each year to celebrate Earth Day, how awesome would it be if we could embrace that awareness every single day? Nurturing feelings of connection to, and gratitude for, this earth not only ensures that we respect it more, it also feels good, which boosts well-being.

I invite you to drop your shoulders, settle in, and enjoy a meditation in appreciation of this glorious Earth of ours. You can practice this today, tomorrow, and any day you feel inclined.

7-Step Meditation to Celebrate Earth Day (everyday!)

1. Start off by sitting in a comfortable position – close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths.
2. Consider what the world needs more of – kindness, reverence for nature, respect for life, safe sanctuaries for wildlife, rain forests that provide unique ecosystems to support all forms of life.
3. Consider what the world needs less of – global stress, human disconnection, over-consumption, exploitation of species, world hunger, pollution.
4. Sense your connection to this planet – remember that you were born on/to this planet and it sustains your life.
5. Use your breath – come back to the breath, sensing it coming in then going out as it’s happening, breath by breath. As you’re breathing, imagine yourself as a conduit for this planet where whatever you breathe in the planet receives, and whatever you breathe out, the planet releases. Take a moment and breathe in whatever you feel is healthy and nourishing for the earth, then breathe out, releasing what is unhealthy or depleting to the planet.
   Repeat this process – breathe in what is healthy, visualizing the earth taking this nourishment through you, and breathe out what is unwanted, as you visualize the earth releasing any toxic forces, pain, and/or suffering.
6. Rest in heart – taking a moment to go deeper, allow yourself to settle into the feeling of giving that is here, to the feeling of a grounded and open heart.
7. Bring it to a close with intention – place your hands on your abdomen or heart and consider repeating this intention back to yourself for today: May I live each moment with compassion and awareness for this precious home and the life it sustains, including my own.

Now make a commitment to yourself to live in a way that expresses deep love for the planet and all life. Allow your wellspring for loving the planet to feel limitless and acknowledge how your actions have an affect on all living things.

Know that as you do this, you are releasing your intentions into the fertile ground of pure possibility. The more you practice this, the more the bloom will flourish.