mindless lampooning : [ Ink,Paper & Pencil(not necessarily in that order)]

Modi the 'Tea-total-er'

2014-03-13T11:40:00.000+05:30

To the rejuvenation seeking, a steaming cup of tea suggests a calming, centering diversion from the everyday. In our great land however,this brew stirs enough of a storm in the very same cup infusing a myriad of flavours challenging the digestive track. A few local ones are noteworthy of mention. Like the common sense numbing comical statesmanship of Rahul Gandhi, the baffling unsteady calmness of Mamta Banerjee, the consistent growling silence of the Prime Minister and the model honest corrupt practices of Ajit Chavan and Ajit Pawar. These flavours shock,please and tease, but a portioned serving of the concoction in a feeble cup soothes it all.

Peddling litres of this infusion in little feeble cups are tea vendors and if one of the pack is a current chief minister and the prospective prime minister, a sip from the pot becomes priceless. In an effort to get the right blend bubbling in the cauldron, Narendra Modi presides over a bench that scouts for the right additives. One odd strong adulteration like BS Yedurappa, he believes, will not jinx taste or taste buds.

Taking a lesson from NaMo, the streets of Bihar are traying in cups of piping hot laloo chai. However, knowing his credentials in tea brewing,there are very few takers. The average Bihari tea drinker belches with cries that the brew is fodder flavoured and fit for consumption only by starving cattle

Don’t be overwhelmed, say tea proprietors. There’s no reason for tea to seem complex.

MERKEL & OBAMA : Pelvic Diplomacy

2014-02-10T15:36:00.000+05:30

Achtung !!

Angela Dorothea Merkel had the President of the United States crooning the national anthem of his mighty country in unadulterated German.

Now, what did it take to accomplish such nerve wrecking cacophony of a supreme quality?

It all begins with a harmless American wiretap on the German chancellor's cell phone. An innocent overseas eavesdrop to steal her granny's choco chip cookie recipe. And why not ?? Americans deem it a right to know the recipe of every single cookie in the culinary world. But, in Oct 2013, Uncle Sam is caught with his hand deep inside aunt Merkels fortune cookie jar. This leaves her hurt and fuming.

To seek closure, aunt Merkel resigns to the Bavarian Alps. She finds solace in a pair of Texan skis sneaked in to the country for her strong feet to symbolically control misguided American adventurism. With Mount Blanc in the visual bubble of her aging eyes, she sets on a jaunt down the snow clad mountain. As she gathers momentum, the ski poles are tucked in between her armpits and her head leans forward to reduce drag. Many frozen moments later, her tapped cell phone buzzes, slicing hard into her harnessed focus. Irritated by the unwarranted interruption, her eyes shift for a wretched moment, only for her skis to run into a hazardous icicle.The mishap hurls the snooped political head into the wild west with uncontrolled political momentum. She lands with an earth shaking thud and a broken pelvic bone.

While the German machinery is busy mending a badly broken bone of national importance, Barack Obama chooses the instance to mend badly broken fences. The US President is one of the first to express deep felt pelvic concerns .

Has that doused the anger simmering within her excellency ? Perhaps no. Not with Victoria Nuland, the momentary queen of gaffes and a top ranking US diplomat based in Europe, who recently disparingly dismissed EU efforts to mediate the ongoing crisis in Ukraine with her golden utterance 'F@#k the EU'. 'Merkels choco chip cookies anyone ?..Obama is indeed singing the star strangled banner in German.'

Sweepstakes & the celestial broom

2014-02-07T12:12:00.000+05:30

The broom these days, is a law unto itself. After sweeping clean the streets of Delhi of political muck, the celestial cleaning gadget is now squatting pretty on these very same roads, dropping filth with greater vigour. We wonder, if the new high priest of low conduct will sweep aside the hopes that the common man has sown for him to nurture ??.
Meanwhile, the bobbing white hat army marches on....grossly out of step with the barrage of promises made to its electorate.

KEJRIWAL & the changing game of water polo

2014-01-04T08:40:00.000+05:30

Orchestrated by the Congress,the Delhi chief ministerial chair,for many monotonous corruption seasoned years, has been thrumming the dismal antiquated (aunty-quit-ed) chant, 'Sheila....Sheila ki jawani '. This time however,the pension bound tune never struck the right chord. The cacophony was so unpopular, that the electoral belly of Delhi was pleading for tympanic mercy. The conscious mortals of the mutilated capital pleaded for change of tune and composer. The assembly elections of 2013,ushered in prospective winds of change. The new gust pushed in a much needed cleaning apparatus to sweep,scrub and swab in crevices and cavities where it was onerous to dislodge hardened filth preserved by years of miss-governance.

So, it all boils down to how the common man or woman benefits ? Take Sheila auntie for instance.Now a part of the ordinary capital flock living off a paltry party pension. She sits ministering how to optimally put to use the 20,000 litres of free water provided by the novice AAP government .There of course are these odd moments when she hoped against all hope that the people of Delhi will charitably remember her governments water generosity during the rains, when the downpour left the aam aadmi wading in waist deep puddles of efficiency. It allowed them the unique luxury of a hedonistic bath in preserved street salt and grime...many times over. Surely, that benevolence surpassed Arvind Kejriwal's post poll aqua generosity, which in comparison was a pittance. 'So what is all this ado about nothing ?', she bellows adjusting her telescopic eye wear.

Surely,the electorate turned out to be insensitive, blind to her humility and munificence.She had facilitated more free water to a person than what any other chief minister could think of bathing an obese elephant herd in. The spirit of gratitude was dead, she concluded.

Resigning to fate,the bewildered Sheila auntie,already in a state of post electoral disarray,turns to music for therapy. Chirping like a nightingale with a sore throat,her personal top of the chart track is the 1970's hit Smoke on the water.

While the septuagenarian head bangs, Delhi'ites meanwhile, are taken in by their new found sporting fascinaton - water polo. The AAP government on its part,has even decided to declare water polo as the official state sport (with floating subsidies ofcourse). All this, in the thick of a freezing North Indian winter.

Dial R..... to be routed

2013-12-12T15:57:00.001+05:30

Post the 2013 Delhi Assembly elections,the Congress party headquarters on 24 Akbar Road in the capital is abuzz with an army of spring cleaners. The con-men (read congress men for short) were literally swept away by a trendy new broom. All old school cleaners donning 'mango people' brooms have been evicted from the visual bubble of the party office. The new mantra for victory is 'to clean up by connecting to the grass root.'

It is precisely for this obnoxious reason, that palm shaped vacuum cleaners are replacing wiry, noisy old brooms. At least, the cord connects someplace, lest the grass root.
To state the obvious, one was witness to wired cleaners of different colours,textures and sizes making their way into the cosy comfort cushion laden chambers of their leaders. After all, leaders who profess about the escape velocity of planet Jupiter for the common man, do need extra terrestrial spring cleaning to connect to the grass root. Blessed we are,how earthly are our leaders ? When in dire straits, dial R...to be routed.

Jest-ice AK Ganguly

2013-12-09T03:02:00.001+05:30

A hymn on the gavel that lowered the bar
T'was assumed....

A vile'd lord of the law

decided to bear his unclean claw

Summoning an unsuspecting intern

To make merry in a tavern

the man began to paw

The intern let out a wail
the judge tucked in his tail
The court managed to frown
but
was it enough to pull him down?

TARUN TEJPAL : The CON-FUSED Sugar Daddy

2013-11-27T09:14:00.002+05:30

Pelting a bad OOMMEN !

2013-10-29T14:39:00.000+05:30

"And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other;

and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also"

Yesterday, when the chief minister of Kerala was struck by an unholy Marxist projectile above his left eyebrow, the media went blazing on all available decipherable audio,watchable video and barely readable print. True to belief in the above prophesy,the minister chose to offer the neglected 'other brow' too. After all, this is election year and such benevolent gestures do not come in harms way when enduring a little pain in rhetoric. More so, when an array of cameras are rolling spools of sympathy to be played all over national television...... Absolutely no harm !! In fact during such an act this season the word harm is considered taboo of a higher order.

The honorable minister however, missed one significant point. The stone in our country is an unchallenged solution to many a problem. It has the potential to rewrite military doctrines. Consider how simple the economics,logistics and mathematics of this well researched projectile theory is :

See a dog, hurl a stone.

A bird perched, hurl two

A train passing by, swing a dozen

Do not like your neighbor, pelt as many

Want a separate country, bring in a truck load

Upset a politician, book a train with each wagon filled to the brim

These prophesies on stone have many takers in our land. The Kannur wing of the LDF was no different. The CPI state secretary, a loving and caring angel in red named Panniyan Raveendran solemnly declared that the dove and olive branch sporting LDF workers would never resort to such a course. How blessed we are Oh angel in red, we have only seen you shower floral petals and deodorized water on your adversaries to date. Chandy sporting a bleeding brow was hit by a flower in gentle hyperbolic motion.

Not to be let down by the display of such exemplary and divine behaviour, Chandy was quick to add “I take all problems in a positive manner.” and having said so, the other ~~cheek~~ brow was thrust out to bring to bear ' the misery for sympathy'.After all, actions are known to speak louder than words.

But the seasoned politician forgets, one simple law of conflict : The enemy's arrow follows no determined line. While he grappled with his brow, a well toned stone from the red quarry knocked hard on his head and a bump was quick to mushroom.

"BINGO on target again......." a voice was heard at a distance.

Strong arms n' twisted tails

2013-10-17T15:55:00.000+05:30

When a politician catches a cold,an array of bureaucrats around him sneeze. For the 'unchosen' few, it is a Hobsons choice. But for a gratifying majority, the bout of sneezing could start in anticipation......of a chocked nose.

A strong analogy could be drawn in the animal kingdom.The 'wag order' in mice residing in a bureau is stratified into three distinct categories.

The 'A' rat of the bureau is the ever nodding, butter spreading, share seeking variety for who, a politicians wish is his command .They are also the likely variety to savour plum appointments and stay ahead in the rodent race.

'B' rats are fence sitters. After all, which non risk taking mouse would want their cheese moved?

The last in the lot are the 'C' rats. The kind that endure 43 transfers in 15 years, hit out at the sand mafia and limp in the race to ascend and comfort.

Now, where in the human kingdom have we seen this before ??

DALAI LAMA : The unhoused monk

2012-11-28T17:04:00.000+05:30

Benjamin Netanyahu's H'air' raising strikes

2012-11-25T19:56:00.000+05:30

David Petraeus & the writing between his legs

2012-11-15T12:49:00.000+05:30

American Pie : cross 'poll-I-nation'

2012-11-09T21:22:00.000+05:30

US Presidential elections 2012 : The After Effect

A SPUR-ME-SIDE (spermicide) called GADKARI

2012-11-02T00:00:00.000+05:30

'POLI-TICKLING'

2012-10-01T15:44:00.000+05:30

The story of India's valiant ruler and the fierce opposition that threatens him.

MITT ROMNEY : Of Nitwits & eloquent follies

2012-09-22T10:44:00.000+05:30

"SILENCE PAYS MORE THAN ELOQUENT FOOLISHNESS"

To rock a boat of misery

2012-09-19T19:54:00.001+05:30

From a state of

SWALLOW AND CHERISH

To a point of

FOLLOW OR PERISH

Earlier satire and caricature references of posts from this blog:

Mamata Banerjee (In the grip of a Bengal Tigress : MUM's the word)

Dr Manmohan Singh (Manmohan Singh)

- COALPLAY -

2012-09-17T13:56:00.000+05:30

On an unusually hot and sultry September afternoon, the soot smeared and reputation charred ministerial class gathered around burning blocks of coal, lit in the Prime Ministers lackluster courtyard, desperate to keep warm from the cold feet caused by a potentially damaging CAG report.

'God damn these blocks of coal' , cursed Mr Shriprakash Jaiswal, stoking the slow burning flame,with a hope the little blocks would burn quickly, enough to provide succor to their freezing limbs

'Thank you, I am shivering', exclaimed Dr Manmohan Singh , in gratitude for the momentary relief provided by Jaiswal , his teeth chattering and body quivering to the Governments 'scam of the season'.

Cleaning soot from the lens of his nasal bone lodged myopia corrector, the Finance Minister, Mr Chidambaram expressed dismay that concerted efforts by him to NULLIFY the heat produced by the fossilised fuel was in vain.

Insignificants like Manish Tiwari, Kapil Sibal, Digvijay Singh and Ambika Soni concurred and cursed in chorus 'death kneel to the CAG, long live the dynasty'. Both parts of the unholy chant, to the common man were forgone conclusions. As for the former,it was only a question of time that the government would render the CAG spineless and voiceless.

When a boorish regiment of brooders cry hoarse, can the adversary be far away ? By a generous measure of history,definitely not !

A resounding whisper laced with desperation, echoed from the nearby foliage.A 'large mass of deception' was attempting to unsuccessfully hide and seek attention of the desperate leg warming community.

'Pssst ...Pssst...I am here to warm my feet too..... besides expressing solidarity with you ..incognito ofcourse' pleaded a poorly hidden Nitin Gadkari. Though not a bird of the same feather, his attempt to flock uninvited with those in despair was clear.A crisis brings together strange bed fellows.

Another mundane writing on the wall for the not so shocked citizen : If you have an odd number of socks, of these,no two will make a pair.

The curious case of CHIDDY's zero

2012-09-13T15:03:00.000+05:30

Between the pious devil and the knee deep blue sea

Stood the protector of gluttonous thugs who sadly roam free

With one sweep of the broom and the tardy old wand

heaven on a platter, to hell it was pawned

For a penny under, the land was ripped of coal

for many more over, the minister sold his soul

Between Love and War

2012-08-10T10:34:00.001+05:30

In London, fortune favours a Jailbird

2012-07-31T11:21:00.001+05:30

In defying magnitude,the Commonwealth Games 2010 Organising Committee chairman, Suresh Kalmadi chose to wipe clean, soiled buttocks from all over the world, with toilet paper that cost $ 80 a roll. As a twist of 'but(t)s' , relief came in the form of counting bars in prison, in lieu of counting clean bottoms at leisure. That however did not deter his soiled hindsight from being persistent with legacy.

The analogy groomed Mr Kalmadi as an expert on all kinds of paper meant to grease palms and hinds alike.Thus the jailbird ventured from tendering toilet paper for the Commonwealth Games 2010 at New Delhi, to selling them during the 2012 Olympics at London.The business model floored the British Parliament,very much like it did floor the Indian house of chaos . Afterall,the English politicians,like their Indian counterparts, were blessed with stiff upper lips and stiffer colonial hips, both which called for an adequate stuffing of the flimsy.

Suresh bhai's hard selling waist liner only added to the bonding spirit of the games. Displayed on bumping bed boards and lumping toilet seats, the language crowned on Kalmadi rolls, a promising competitive feel.It read:-

'launder the rear for a winning headstart'

Now which participating country would leave any stone unturned in an effort to taste victory.To say the least, the ablution stone.Not taking a chance, they took to Kalmadi rolls like ~~a fish to water~~ No...a writer to paper !!! $ 80 is a small price to pay for national pride.

So what if in his own country, the jailbird's travel jaunt set to peak the mountain of shame,has been castrated by judicial jurisprudence ? In London,the sporting community stood impressed (and clean of course).Danny Boyle promised to pay tribute to the cloud kissing price of the rolls in his next big performance.The British Monarchy have sc'rolls' of honour being readied to be bestowed on the Commonwealth Games 2010 organising committee. As for our man of the moment, Mr Kalmadi...Knighthood is only a 'roll' away. $ 80 anyone ?

PRANAB on a platter

2012-07-25T08:28:00.000+05:30

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” :- Orson Welles

On the 19 of July 2012, the Congress party did just that, reducing to record, the national political pastime as orchestrated flatulence.What an indigestible meal was made of a good prime ministerial candidate !

   What many are not privy to, is the little story behind this delicate gastronomic disaster that has taken days to contrive. Afterall, every grand feast good or bad, carts with it a story.

    Chef Diggy was busy sifting air in his makeshift scullery behind madams lawn when a commi de rang of questionable repute called Sibal, rushed to the floor of the kitchenette and bellowed " high time to create a masterpiece for the family." Chef Diggy was neither surprised nor shaken,but ever ready to please his masters. After all, he was the chosen one forced into both a political hiatus and a jesterly role, only to deliver the magnum opus.

   The insidious Chef and the crafty commi set to work. With the math done, the flavourings in place, the cold cuts ordered and the garnishes readied, what just did not fall in place was how to 'hunt down the game' which is to be marinated,cooked and served on a social platter. Their masters were neither hunters not connoisseurs of the taste buds, they were after all just gluttonous foodies who would chomp at anything that stood their measly way.

   Thus in wily party circles was coined the term 'sacrificial meal', where the man in the benevolent eyes of their masters was praised for having done so much for the nation and deserved a befitting retirement. He would be offered gratuity on a smouldering spit. The unsuspecting Babu moshai, also the erstwhile chairman of the Indian Statistical Institute,Kolkata, got his statistical count wrong,slipping,tripping,sliding and rolling deep into a coveted 'retirement grease trap'.

   Trimmed of matter,as enough has been said in my earlier rants, this is the third sequel in this blog devoted to the well garnished and tastefully served babu moshai. An emboldened reference to earlier posts illustrating the first citizen to be:

Press I to.. Dent
(A dig at the 2012 Presidential Elections)

PRANAB MUKHERJEE : Needs must when the devil drives

(A cynical profile of the aura that looms around the 13th President)

PISSOMANIA (piss-oh-man-yeah)

2012-07-15T08:55:00.000+05:30

'The golden trickle' is the latest health brew to have bombarded news headlines and muse punchlines alike. If one would have the privilege of being privy to reverse psychology, then what could possibly be wrong with reverse biology. After all, what goes around, comes around !!

The perfect ambassador for causes going around to come around, is the folly filled prince of attention seeking kidney discharge Swami Agnivesh.

While the medicated distillation promises to give the word cocktail a new meaning , it also threatens to relegate future broths to literal 'piddle puddles' inside their respective lodgings.

When toasting with liberal servings from the closet, the fly by night Swami saw self decorating opportunity in the punishment mooted out to a juvenile by the hostel warden of Visva Bharati University in Santiniketan. And loo behold, (literally) the man commences a rant about his urine flavourings and favourings.

Press I to.. Dent

2012-07-03T19:45:00.000+05:30

The mangled clamour outside the Presidential estate has raised a nasty pile of uneasy queries.

Lest we lesser mortals plague our jinxed minds with simple questions pertaining to daily water supply, fuel price hike and energy conservation, the presidential candidates have one worded quips that race the confused length and ambitious breadth of their wondrous little heads.

Permitted by the simple rules of satire, this illustration examines the polysemous question associated with each of our political brides men that could create a dent in marriages of convenience :

Ladies and gentlemen, the 'press-I-dent'

Afghanistan's worry

2012-05-17T01:20:00.000+05:30

IN THEIR OWN LAND....