Mindy's Thoughts & Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:07:00 +0800

It's almost 2010!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 17:48:00 +0800

It's been a while since I've written something here. Life has been super hectic for me this year. There were good times and there were bad. I guess that's what life is all about. Happiness make you appreciate life more and sadness makes you stronger. 2009 was a tough year for me. I've been through a lot - physically and emotionally. Hopefully things will get better in 2010. Hoping for a more blessed year with lots of happiness, hopefully no more trials.

I just want to be happy! :)

Happy new year!!!

Life Is No Fairytale

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 4 Feb 2009 17:44:00 +0800

Listening to: Theory of a Deadman - Not Meant To Be

Life sure is no fairytale. Even though we meet that someone we want to spend our whole life with, somehow something is bound to happen. We're not really sure how things will end.

Which one should you choose?

Follow your heart even though you know something is terribly wrong. Give it another chance, no matter how deeply hurt you were.

Follow what you think is best even though your heart breaks into pieces. Just let go and move on, even if every day you feel something's missing in your life.

current ramblings of the mind

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:25:00 +0800

Listening to: Sarah Mclachlan - Angel

It's been a while since I posted something here. I realized that the only time I blog is when I am confused and emotionally drained, that's why most of my posts here are quite depressing and emotional. Having said that, I guess now you know why I am here again, pouring out what's bugging my mind and what's hurting my heart.

I thought everything was going to be blissful. Seriously, I was blissfully happy, it was radiating within me. And then suddenly, out of the blue things turned sour. To make the matter worse, the roller coaster of emotions happened during the holidays. What a perfect timing! When all I wanted during that time was just to be happy and enjoy. It's been two weeks and things are still rocky. I really don't know where this is going. Honestly right now, I just hope and pray for the best.

Maybe it is me? Maybe it's not.

Love and Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:09:00 +0800

Pain comes with loving. Then why do we continue to love? There are so many possible answers to that but I believe love is what life is all about. Even if we get hurt, we take the risk to love. We are willing to make sacrifices, no matter how huge a sacrifice it is going to be. We are prepared to give it our best shot. But no matter how much we try, some of our expectations fall short. I think it's human nature to expect but I think it is better not to expect and hope. Let people surprise us, it feels more wonderful when an unexpected happens. It's actually ten times the euphoria we feel when we get what we expect.

"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. The expected is just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives."

I learned not to expect anymore. But to be honest, I still hope and wish that maybe those things I want will happen. I know, I am still expecting but I don't judge him if he doesn't do all those things that I expect him to do. I just let him be. He is his own person, I cannot dictate what he should or should not do, where's the fun in that? And what amazes me is that he never fails to surprise me. When things get to a little confusing that I start to have doubts and I am in the verge of giving up without him knowing, he says things that comfort and reassure me.

"love you! no matter where I am you will always be in my heart baby."

Nothing is more reassuring than that. I should just learn to be more patient, understanding and just trust him.

How deep is your love?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 May 2008 19:56:00 +0800

Listening to: The Bird And The Bee - How Deep Is Your Love

These past few days or even weeks I have been in a dilemma of making a decision. My heart says yes, but my mind says just wait. There are times that I thought of just following my heart and see where it leads me. But maybe God has a better plan because every time I decide to talk about it, circumstances won't allow it. Maybe this is God's way of teaching me the virtue of patience. I am a very patient person but when the heart is involved, I can be really impatient. I've actually decided to give it a try - to be in a relationship with him. But now that decision is on hold. Waiting for what? I don't know. All I know is I really like him and he is really special to me, to the point that I am willing to take the risk and dive head on which I said before that I would never do again. But here I am again, willing to give it my all. Hoping that this time, it will work.

My friends say that I am really crazy to want to be in a long distance relationship. It's not craziness, it's actually magic. When two people who actually never met have that special connection, it's very magical. Just like he said, maybe our paths were meant to cross. I stopped believing in destiny, but now I cannot help but think, what if we were destined to meet? Imagine: In this world, there are billions of people and out of that billion we met and we actually have that special bond between us. What is the probability of that happening? 1 out of 100? 1 out of 1000? It's really rare and unbelievable. But it actually happened to us.

The questions now are, am I willing to be in a long distance relationship that some of my friends call craziness? Am I ready for all the trials and hardships that come with it? Am I ready to trust someone with my heart again? Am I prepared for the pain and the longing? Am I prepared to love again? And lastly, Is he worth all of these?

YES.

Whew!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 9 May 2008 11:16:00 +0800

Listening to: Kai - Say You'll Stay

As I've been pondering and wondering over the days until my head hurt, literally, it's such a relief to finally put things out in the open with such clarity. At least now, I don't have endless days and nights of thinking and worrying. All I can really say is, "Whew! Thank God!" I am really happy that now, I don't need to assume and worry about how things are between me and him. I am very much glad that it's now official, things are clear between us, crystal clear. As I am happy, it is at the same time very overwhelming. It's like my head is in the clouds, floating. This is a first for me, and I'm savoring every moment of it. Actually, very much enjoying every single second. I hope I'll make it right this time. :)

Goodbye to you

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 5 May 2008 18:15:00 +0800

Listening to: Michelle Branch - Goodbye to you

I don't know why but many of my friends still think that I still haven't let him go completely. I have, honestly. I admit that sometimes, I still say things that make people wonder if I'm still hang up on him. But I'm not. It doesn't mean that when I say good things about him that I am still holding on to him. I just admire the guy. In fairness to him, he's been good to me. I think that's why we're still good friends right now even though things fell apart. He's been really mature all these time and I know he had me on his mind when he made those decisions. Just as my friend told me, she admires him for being honest to me and not letting me string along and get hurt much more over time. The 3 years of holding on was my choice, he clearly gave up early on. So, if there's to blame for all those times that I've suffered, it should be me not him.

Here's a line from the song which I'm listening to right now which kinda made me write this blog because I can obviously relate to it.

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

To make it clear to everyone, I have finally said goodbye. I really had let him go completely. It doesn't mean that he's not part of my life anymore, he still is - he'll always be. I am very much happy right now. And I know that he is too. It makes me glad that we both finally found that someone that makes us happy. I'm happy for him and I know that he is happy for me too. That's what is great about us, our friendship that we've shared surpasses all the things that have happened between us, we still remain friends.

Is it?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 10:51:00 +0800

Is it real? Or is it just a fantasy?

After so many sleepless nights, I finally realized that nothing is what they seem to be. I have been living in a fantasy. All made up by my own little mind. Nothing is real, it's all a dream. A dream that's so wonderful until I woke up.

When things seem to be too good to be true, maybe they are not. I thought I have learned my lesson, and yet still here I am, as stupid as I was. Stupidly believing, stupidly hoping and almost falling in love. Falling in love with someone I barely know, what's more stupid than that?

But now, I am awake. Hopefully in control of all things especially my heart.
Let him go.. He was never mine to begin with, it was all just a dream.
If he comes back, then maybe it wasn't a dream after all.

Listening to: David Cook - Always be my baby

Favorite Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 6 Apr 2008 20:31:00 +0800

Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching and live like you've never been hurt.

It's risky, falling in love. It's like a narcotic. At first, it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love.

So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and let it come in.

Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.

If you're ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too - even when you're falling.

We are too involved in materialistic things yet they don't satisfy us. The loving relationship we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.

Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.

You can never substitute material things for love, for tenderness, for gentleness.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of sufferings.

At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn't. The magic moments go unrecognized, and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything.

But love is like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a tickle of water can pass, the trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. To love is to lose control.

Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan.

Random Thoughts and Quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 6 Apr 2008 20:30:00 +0800

If people want to hate you for no reason, let them. Coz obviously they are either insecure, jealous or simply a b*tch.

Sometimes you have to just forget the rules, follow your heart and see where it takes you.. Never apologize for saying what you feel because that's like saying sorry for being real... Never regret anything you said or did because at some point, it was what you wanted... True strength is being able to hold it all together when everyone is expecting you to fall apart.

You can never teach a guy to love you the way you want to be loved.. You have to wait for him to do it in his own way, in his own time -- That's the saddest part of being a girl.. But you can never teach a girl to love the guy back the way she did before if she already grew tired and fed up understanding and waiting to be appreciated and loved the way she deserves to be loved -- That's the saddest part of being a guy.

1 thing you can't recycle is wasted time. Life is too short. Live your life well. Let's stop worrying over "what ifs". Be with people you want to be with, do the things you are eager to do, after all it's only you who'll decide how your life will turn out.

If you want pain, if you like tears, if you need sleepless nights and suffering.. find a friend.. and fall in love.

Some won't appreciate what you say or do, but as long as you speak honestly from the heart and let them see who you really are, you'll be fine. This is not a perfect world; this is not a perfect life. So live life the way you want coz no matter what you do, people would never run out of something to say against you.

Believe that the best will happen everyday, be aware that even trials are gifts to make us strong enough to face life and trying times.

There are only a few people in this world who are born to love seriously.. you are lucky if one of that few is in love with you.

I could have -- what does this phrase mean? At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn't. The magic moments go unrecognized and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything.

Never doubt someone's love for you. If you find some imperfections, let it be. If you survived the pain, happiness is satisfying. Never find the perfect love coz love without pain is impossible.

It's sad to let a good love pass you by, just because you're too scared to be hurt. One great love comes only once in a lifetime. It may not last forever but it's the best you could ever find.

Sometimes, fate has a cruel way of putting things together. Maybe it's better if people just give up when there's no point in fighting for something anymore. When the ship has finally sailed, only a fool would go after it when it's already miles away. But sometimes, it's a lot better to be a fool to go after what we want and need rather than to regret everything in the end because we never even tried.

Wonder why the sunset is a lot more colorful than sunrise? That's one of the ironies of life -- there is "good" in goodbyes.

Sometimes, it's not love. Sometimes, you've just become so attached that you've developed a need for that person -- just a need, not love.

Falling in love is like looking at the stars, if you pick one out of the billions and stare at it long enough.. all the others just fade away.

Sometimes when you say "i'm okay", you want someone to hug you tight and say "i know you're not".

I guess love does fade. Sometimes the heart does get tired of longing and hoping. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that some things can never be and that you should be contented with things as they are. Leaving is a choice. Staying is a choice. You can never really ask someone to stay or leave. It's a choice they have to make for themselves and sometimes no matter how much you beg someone to stay or how hard you try to make someone leave, you really have no control over what they choose.

Just when the mind found answers.. the heart changed the question.

Forever

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:14:00 +0800

Listening to: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

How do we know if we found that someone we want to spend our whole life with? A friend of mine asked me that question a few days ago, and it left me wondering and pondering. How do we really know? I know it's not on how long you've been together. Even couples who've been together for 10 years break up. Some couples who've only been together for a few months, end up together. So I believe it's not a matter of time. It's finding that someone who you can't live without. But when we are in a relationship, there comes a point where we think that we can't live without that person, then eventually the relationship ends. Months and months, we're haunted of the thought that we can no longer live life without that person. We suffer, a part of us die - we become cranky and depressed. Then miraculously, we realize we can still continue on living, and we slowly forget that person. Well, we go back asking ourselves, how do we know? I think there is really no right and specific answer to that question. It really depends on the ones involved and it's definitely a matter of timing. Even when both are helplessly in love with each other, but one of them is still not ready to enter into a lifelong commitment, then it won't work. There'll be no marriage and no forever. So I think it's when both parties are ready to enter into a lifelong commitment, with or without them being helplessly in love. But I still prefer the helplessly in love part, why marry someone you're not helplessly in love with - it makes no sense. A few of us are lucky to have found that someone they're helplessly in love with and get married and live happily ever after. But for us unlucky ones, we need to tread on unsafe waters a few more times to find that someone we can't live without and who can't live without us. It's such a tedious process, with lots of heartbreaks and heartaches, buckets of tears and lots of emotional breakdowns - until we find that right person. But in the end, I believe it's worth it. How can we really experience true happiness without going through pain?

holding back

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 3 Feb 2008 21:46:00 +0800

Listening to: Penny Dai - Ai Guo

I have an utterly weird feeling that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, I really can't understand myself. Yes, I want to fall in love again. I want to love and be loved. But when things seem to be going smoothly, I do something awful to make things rocky. When things are going too well, I step back instead of moving one step forward. I know I am holding back, but why? I don't know. Maybe I am scared, scared of taking risks and end up hurting again. I wasn't like this before, I would dive head on and never hold back. Never thinking of the consequences of my choices, but now all I do is think. Don't get me wrong, I still feel things but these things scare me instead of making me excited. I don't know when his patience with me will run out. How long does he have to wait? I don't know. I just hope he can wait and not give up on me. :(

Listening to: Fish Leong - Yong Qi

Courage, we need it when we want to love. That's one thing I am lacking of right now. I need to get back my courage which I somehow left along the way of my letting go. I know this whole loving thing is not easy. I need courage to face it all. Give me back my courage for me to be able to love again...

contemplating..

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:49:00 +0800

Read this: Why I wouldn't settle

I can actually relate to that article, except the 30s part because I'm only in my mid-20s. But when I think of it, 30 is not that far. Lately, I've been getting those annoying questions, like why don't I have a boyfriend? When am I getting married? blah blah blah... It gets annoying at times because I myself don't know the answers to these questions. I love being single, but I also miss the companionship, those late night calls, out of the town trips, sweet text messages, holding hands and of course, hugs and kisses. But those aren't good reasons to be with just anyone. There are plenty of guys out here, but not even a single one have that spark I am looking for. I want someone who connects with me, that when I look into his eyes, my insides feel like butter, slowly melting. So what do I really look for in a guy? I have an endless list of that -- sweet and extremely romantic, thoughtful, funny, understanding, loyal, trustworthy, patient and intelligent. But what I really want is just someone who will love me with all his heart, and be with me until the end of time. Someone whose love for me is never-ending, someone who will never give up on me. I want to be with someone who makes my heart beat fast every time I look at him, and even just by thinking of him. I want someone who gives me flowers for no reason at all. I want someone who loves to surprise me (with good things, of course). I want someone who is head over heels in love with me. Why? Because when I fall in love, I give it my all, the 100% of me. I want that someone to love me as much as I love him or maybe even more. I've been jaded a couple of times which made me a bit cynical. Right now, I definitely would require a courtship stage because I skipped on that before, I fell too fast and got my heart broken just as fast as I fell in love. I am more careful with my heart now. A friend of mine just asked me how can a guy prove his love for me? Am I easily courted? Or does a guy have to go through hell just to court me? My answer to him was: If a guy have to go through hell to court me, I believe I'm worth it and I believe I deserve it. But honestly, I have a soft heart. If a guy really knows me, then I believe he won't have a difficult time courting me. I have several weaknesses, and if a guy knows them, I am doomed into falling in love -- fast. I am still hopeful that one day I would meet that someone who will make my heart flutter and will make me feel like I'm walking on the clouds. Someone who will forever heal my many-times-broken heart. Someone who will give me heaven on earth. :)

"Do you know what happiness is? It is waking up in the middle of the night, shifting blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you.. You turn around and see him in his most innocent state.. You smile, kiss his face gently so as not to wake him.. You turn around and a grin forms on your face. Then, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know it doesn't get better than that.."

valentines and flowers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 00:30:00 +0800

Valentine's day is a few weeks away. We call it a lover's day here. But how about those who don't have lovers? Shouldn't they celebrate Valentine's day too? Like me, as I currently belong to the singles group. It's been a while since I've celebrated and enjoyed Valentine's day. I actually didn't enjoy Valentine's day when I was in a relationship. I think my ex-boyfriends didn't have any romantic bone in their body. As I reminisce the past, the valentine's day I enjoyed the most was when I was still in High School. It was really memorable. I received lots of roses, which I absolutely adore, they are to die for. Well, you can say I am a roses addict. It's really one of my weaknesses. I like guys who give me roses. I find it really sweet and romantic. But I somehow find them extinct in this era. I really believe Valentine's day is all about roses and spreading love. And I also believe that every girl loves flowers. Hopefully, my better half is someone who loves to give roses and is extremely romantic and I will be in heaven. hahahaha :)

scared

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:13:00 +0800

Listening to: MYMP - So Perfect

It's been a while since I've been down this road. I am scared. I am starting to like someone, and it scares the hell out of me. I think I just don't want my heart to end up being broken again. Is this the real thing? I don't know, I hope it is. I guess I would just have to wait and find out. Hopefully, he's true to his words. A friend of mine just told me that I have trust issues. Probably. I find it hard to trust someone as easily as I did before. I guess it's because I used to trust too much but I end up being fooled. Now, things seem to be too good to be true, I just wish that every single thing is the truth. I just want to be blissfully happy because you know it's really been a while. I want to feel those tingly sensations, butterflies in my stomach, heart beating fast and those wonderful sensations that you feel when you are falling in love.

A Good Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 14:57:00 +0800

Listening to: Nicole Scherzinger's Happily Never After

Isn't life so unpredictably funny but at the same time interestingly good?

I know all my past posts were so utterly depressing that they kind of suck the life out of anyone reading it. I admit I was bitter, which is definitely not a good thing. Some of the posts I had were really disgustingly hurtful and just plain awful. I wallowed on the hurt and self-pity for such a long time. It took me too long to really accept things with all my heart and soul, and to just totally let it go, that it affected me, terribly. But now, I can proudly say that I have finally let go. I have started living a new life, as I excitingly look forward to a new day.

I'm taking things slowly now, one day at a time, with no expectations. No more getting head over heels in love in an instant. No more fairy tales, no more prince charming. I'm just going to face the ultimate reality from now on. Just the plain reality, no more fantasies.

Listening to: Cascada's Everytime We Touch

When things seem to be too good to be true, I can't help but be skeptical. It is maybe because of what I've experienced before, somehow it changed me. But it's a good thing though, I finally grew up. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in destiny and all those romantic stuff. But now I am more careful. I don't let myself get carried away with all those wonderful emotions that curls your toes. I still love feeling them and savor them as much as I can but I don't dwell on them like I did before.

As I've written before, I don't know if I would be able to fall in love again because I believed it was just going to be him, for all my life. But now, I think I still can. We are born to love and feel love. Even though how many times we've been hurt, we would still be able to love if we allow ourselves to. There is one good thing when we get hurt, we learn, just like I did.

New beginning..

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 12:08:00 +0800

listening to: Goo Goo Dolls - Better days

I can't believe 2008 is only a day away. A new year.. a new life.. a new beginning. It's kinda scary and exciting to start a new year. It makes one think if everything is going to be the same, if life's going to have some wonderful surprises. But, I am ready for what life may bring. Ready to finally start living life once again. I think it's about time to get hold of myself and move on with life. Finally, I am ready to let go, open my heart and love once again. Hopefully this time it would be forever.

Better Days

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Coz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Coz everyone is forgiven now
Coz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Coz everyone is forgiven now
Coz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Coz everyone is forgiven now
Coz tonight's the night the world begins again

Sickness & eBooks

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 7 Aug 2007 16:24:00 +0800

I know a couple of my friends from cyberspace noticed that I have been MIA(missing in action) from the cyberworld for quite some time. Well, I have been sick - not the feverish type of sickness but I felt dizzy most of the time. And no, I'm not pregnant! That's quite an impossibility as of the moment. I had to just lie on my bed for most of the time. As most of you know, I'm an internet addict so occasionally I try to get up to check my mails, my friendster, my myspace, my multiply, my facebook and to reply to the messages left on my YM. (So sorry to my cyberspace friends that I didn't get to reply immediately or when I suddenly went MIA..) During those boring times, I've found a way to enjoy while lying on the bed almost all day and night, E-books! My friend sent me a copy of the last installment of the Harry Potter Series which I continuously read for almost 8 hours. Then, I read all of the the Shopaholic Series which I really loved. I also read other books by Sophie Kinsella. After reading all her books, I read Meg Cabot's books, not the Princess Diaries collection which she is famous for but her Adult books. I love the way they write their books, fun and light-hearted. It's been quite a while since I read those kind of books and I miss it. Definitely miss it! So, to continue with my reading marathon, I chose another author - Rachel Gibson. Her books are more on the heavy romance side, and it's quite addicting. I already read almost all of her books. Just 2 more to go, but I can't seem to find e-books of them. So I think I'm just gonna buy the paperbacks. I think I was MIA for almost a week and a half, and during that time, all I did was read e-books. Let me see, I think I read one Harry potter book, about 7 Meg Cabot books, another 7 Sophie Kinsella books and 9 of Rachel Gibson. Whew! that's quite a lot. I think I was reading about 2-3 books per day. That's what I call an e-book reading marathon! :) Anyways, I've taken some time off from reading before I get burned out. Now, I just read the books again to get my daily fix of reading, about 1 a day - a dose for my e-book addiction. So to my cyberspace friends, I'm back! But unfortunately, I will be MIA again in a week because I'm going for a week-long vacation! :)

**I will be writing a blog about my readings in a few days!**

restless

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 11:39:00 +0800

Listening to: Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

At 6 this morning, I was awaken by something. I don't know what it was, but I suddenly woke up from my slumber. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn't. Hours passed, I lay tirelessly on my bed. Then, I fell asleep, it was probably around 9 in the morning. After two hours, I finally woke up from a couple of text messages. My thought was at the moment was, Damn! I want to sleep. I haven't gotten any sleep. But it's already late in the morning so I stumbled out of bed. However, I had this weird feeling inside me, this weird sensation tingling my every bone. Was it because of the dream I had? I countlessly tried to recall my dream, but to no avail. So I ate lunch, but the feeling won't subside. My heart continued to palpitate, faster and faster. I can hear my heart beating as I was eating my lunch. What's wrong with me? Everytime I have this feeling, something is going to happen. Whether good or bad. Something truly unexpected. So I retreated to my room praying that hopefully something really good is going to happen while I was trying to catch my breath...

update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 12:31:00 +0800

It's been awhile since I've blogged something. Guess I don't have much to say or maybe, I just don't know how to say it. I've been reading my past posts and I came to a conclusion that what I've written here are quite painful. I've been unfair for focusing on too much painful memories. There were really a lot of good and wonderful memories but I think I haven't posted even one blog about it. But anyways, moving on.. I'm doing better now compared to before, way lot better. I've finally seen the light that life has to offer. I learned to enjoy one day as it comes, and not to think of the past or the future. Wherever life may lead me, I can only embrace it one day at a time. This made me live life as normal as possible without the tendencies of shutting down in the middle of the day or even breaking down late at night. I can say I've been living life. Sometimes, there are still those hurtful and very painful moments, but I don't dwell on it as much as I did before. I just let myself embrace the feeling for a couple of minutes, sometimes an hour or so. Then I forget about it, and start living life again. It is true that we can't control how a person acts towards us, we need to learn how to live with it. Whether we take it at heart, or we just let it pass and not take everything so seriously. I've learned not to take things so seriously. What the heck?! Some people are not always what we think they are. Maybe they have an alter ego or an evil twin. What matters is not whether you love the person or not, it should be how they treat you, that is what should matter. If they don't treat you right, then the hell with them.

"Never doubt someone's love for you. If you find some imperfections, let it be. If you survived the pain, the happiness is satisfying. Never find the perfect love because love without pain is impossible."

mixed emotions

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 11:12:00 +0800

I still ask myself if it was a sign, the sign I've been waiting for.. for years. Was it? I don't know. Until now, I'm still dazed and confused. It brought me to a state where I don't want to be in, again. I've passed this stage, I thought I would never go back but here I am again, wondering and hurt.

Do I just love the idea of him? Hell, no. If it was just the idea of him, why in the world am I still loving him even though it hurts so much. I should have moved on easily but why am I still holding on? Holding on to something I'm not even sure of. No, I don't love the idea of him. I love him. Period.

It pains me to hear what he said. I wanted to ask him lots of questions but I was scared. Scared of hearing things I'm not prepared to hear, or maybe things I don't want to hear. I miss the old him, the honest one that tells me everything bluntly. I don't know why he became indifferent, probably because of the distance. Oh God, I wish that we could see each other again.

How can I endure so much pain? Even I am dumbfounded by this. Maybe I love him too much. But sometimes, I get tired from all the hurt. There are times I want to give up and let go. And yet, at the end of the day, I know I still love him. Even though he's been indifferent to me, I still love him. Insane. How can that be? I don't know, I honestly don't know. The only thing I know is that I would never stop loving him. Maybe I eventually would. But now, all I know is that the only reason I can be indifferent to him is because of all the hurt and pain. Yes, I love him. I truly love him but I am also hurting, that I know.

A person of my own

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 13:24:00 +0800

This is from an anime series which I love so much, "Chobits".

As expected, there isn't anyone in this city either. Everyone was with "that". They won't awaken from the dream with "that". The time spent with "that" is a dream. A dream-like, wonderful time. "That" can make any wish come true. They make people happy by doing what they want. Because "that" is not a person. Which is why "that" can become the person's dream. But, there is one thing "that" can't do. It can become a replacement for one, but never be one. That is something I know well. I know it well because I am me. Today, I search for the person that's right for me again. A person that will like me for who I am. A person that will like me even if I can't make his dreams come true. But.. Does a person like that exist? It would be nice if that person exists. Will that person really like me and only me? Will that person really as nothing of me? If not.. If that person can't like me for who I am, then that person isn't for me. Really? Really. Does that person really exist? Really. Then where? Probably very close. I'm sure the person I can like is in a place not too far away. But.. if that person doesn't like me, what should I do? What should I do if someone that's not for me likes me? People's heart can't be erased or added just like that. That's why swaying people's decision is difficult. I already know that.. People's heart are easy to change, but there are some which you can't change. For example, the emotion of liking someone can't be changed easily. Then what should I do? Then I will have to choose. I will have to choose and deal with it.

I've been through a lot of tough times. And even now, my heart still hurts from some of them. Really, really painful things. There was once when I have lost a valuable thing. To me, it was a terribly painful event. My heart still aches. The pain still remains because I've lost something important. Something terribly painful.. Pain, from the remaining painful events after losing a valuable person. But, I'm still searching.. Because of the pain, I am searching, for one who will like me for who I am. I am who I am.. I am that.. Therefore, I'm looking for it. Someone who will like me for who I am. Someone who I will like for who he is.. the person of my own. And, I have found that person, but that is the beginning of something more painful. It's painful to be with someone knowing that there's nothing you can do for that person. Watching that person in pain is as painful as feeling the pain. So, I disappeared from that person. Because I love him, I disappeared. But still, not being able to see that person is more painful. Not being able to be with that person is even more painful. Because I love him, I parted from him. You love him, yet you parted from him? That is for the sake of his happiness. Happiness... what is that? My happiness is only with that person. Although it's painful, although my heart will ache. Still, I love that person. Right! I have found it. My happiness.

This town is full of people. They all like someone, and are loved by someone. A lot of people, they live in different places. From all these people, that person has found me. He loved me. . .

i love you

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 22:55:00 +0800

It's been said many times that "if we love someone, we should let them know." But what if it's not as easy as that? Even though we really love someone, there are things that stop us from saying "i love you" to them. Aside from this, we sometimes get scared of telling them. Scared of what their reaction might be or what they would think. I, for one is struggling with this dilemma and I know some of you are too. Would it make it easier for us to just say what we really feel and just tell them bluntly that we love them?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 14:25:00 +0800

*Little bits and pieces included in this blog is part of Peyton's podcast*

You know what I find kind of odd, I mean other than like, dog shows and people who can eat with their feet? People who fight OVER something instead of fighting FOR something. There's a difference, you know between fighting over something or fighting for something.

Try to remember the last thing you fought over, with like, a friend, an enemy, whoever... and now, try to remember the last thing you fought for... something that meant something, no comparison, you know? The Beastie Boys say 'You gotta fight for your right to party,' the Chili Peppers want you to, 'fight like a brave,' Chuck D. says, 'Fight the power'. I turn on the TV and I see people fighting for human rights or people fighting for a bottle of water just so they don't die of thirst, and I think, at least they're fighting for something real... but fighting over boys?! It's pretty lame. Unless, I don't know, maybe what they're really fighting over is love - or at least the prospect of love, someone to love - and if that's the case, then the only thing worse then fighting over a guy is not having a guy to fight for. I used to have a guy to fight for. We didn't spend like, a ton of time together, but you know the saying, 'The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long' ? Um... well that was us... and then he was gone. But before he left, he told me to move on. I guess he didn't want to burn me with the wait, you know, but it's like Tom Petty says, 'The waiting is the hardest part.' But the heart doesn't have a kill switch, you know, part of me is afraid I'll never find a love like that again. Another part of me is afraid that I will. I guess I wonder about it a lot. Would finding someone else be a betrayal of what we had? Would it make what we had, any less real? And more so, am I kidding myself because I think that one day he'll be back? Because every time there is a knock on the door, for a split second I think, maybe it's him, you know? Or I'll be walking on the street and I'll see some guy that kinda looks like him, my heart just stops. And for a moment, he's here.

I wrote this transcript in my blog because I can undeniably relate to it. It's what I've been feeling for quite some time now. I know I've been really expressive and emotional in my entries here, and I know you all probably know how I feel deep inside, but this is exactly what I've been feeling.

The other day, I was at the riverwalk and I saw this skater kid with a t-shirt, had this Swahili Warrior song on it - it said, 'Life has meaning only in the struggle. Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the gods. So let us celebrate the struggle.' I think that's right, you know, when you stop fighting, you stop living. We all need that thing that's worth fighting for and I don't know, maybe it's a certain someone, a special place, maybe just an idea. So to all my fellow Swahili Pod Warriors out there: find your fight, and then fight like hell until your battle is won.

Just as what this says, never ever give up.